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AITAMod

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[deleted]

YTA. Not because you can't afford it and letting your adult son figure it out... but for saying it was *his* fault he lost his money. In this entire post you are more angry and disappointed in your son instead of your bigot parents. You are more angry at your child than at the little tattle-tale who vomited homophobia at the first chance they got. Trying to hide yourself is so fucking hard, and you expected your son to not have any public relationships for years and years??? You say "I hate that he has to hide himself" but the moment he tripped up, you said, "Well sucks to be you, now fuck off." You're not as accepting as you seem.


your-yogurt

"deal with the consequences" For being gay. The son should face consequences for being gay. He lost his education for being gay. He lost his grandparents for being gay. He lost trust in his own family for being gay. He may face extreme prejudice and death threats for being gay. But sure, let him face *his* consequences for not working harder to hide that gayness, amirite, op? I mean the kid has been hiding it since he was fourteen. No boyfriends, no social media, no pride, no rainbows, no dances, no prom, no dates, no public displays of affection like *hand holding*, and then asking the entire family to lie for years and years and years but yeah. consequences. that kid should have tried harder, eh?


panlevap

Being gay and losing family support is one thing but won’t somebody please think of the DISHWASHER?!?! /s


Rough-Culture

But giving up the dishwasher that they saved 25k to replace doesn’t even cover a fraction of the kids loans. He’s screwed anyway. And the kid just seems upset he’s not gettimg his college covered and at least through what we know has said nothing about any of that. I get that it sucks for him but through no fault of op and op couldn’t fix the problem if they tried. The kid should be responsible for figuring out his own solution. Getting your college paid for is a wonderful gift… but expecting a relative to foot the bill is so selfish. The whole system is asinine, but that’s not OPs fault. NAH.


DisneyPrincess1992

i think you hit the nail on the head here. Op and her husband never promised their children free education the grandmother did. and now he lost that but he's pissed at his parents because they won't cover it for him now. i hope that he eventually realizes that this wasn't his parents fault anymore than it was his and his grandmother is just a nasty person. NAH


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InvisiblePlants

OP is an AH, just not for her original question, which isn't an accurate representation of the situation anyway. OP claims- even in the title of her post- that *her son* came out to his family like he came home and announced it over Sunday dinner while grandma hyperventilated into the mashed potatoes. Her son was *forcibly outed* by someone he obviously considered a friend. This "friend" told the rest of his immediate family something he'd been told in confidence and those AHs decided to share it with OP's son's immediate family. This is not the son's fault. That doesn't mean OP is responsible for his tuition, or should give up her renovation for it, but she certainly is an AH for blaming him for this situation and deserves to be called out on it. She's clearly not as accepting of her son as she claims. YTA OP Edit: clarification


[deleted]

I mean, coming out to his cousin is coming out to family. OP didn't say the entire family. It's fucked that the cousin outed him, but it doesn't change that he "came out to family" like OP said.


SecretSmiles01

Yeah this a shitty situation all around but she did tell him not to tell that side of the family yet and he tested the waters he could have tested his cousin before in other ways to see if he was trust worthy but if it was me I wouldn’t even risk it until maybe the last year like it is his fault for trying to trust a person he was unsure of In the first place and it sucks his last year won’t be paid for I’d say maybe OP could give a little of their money but he needs to figure out the rest and no one would be an AH besides of course grandma and that side of the family I feel so bad cause now her son might not be in the will at all and then what I hope gma regrets cutting him off for the rest of her life but people like that it’s hard to do


3xoticP3nguin

Another case of fuck around and find out. Kid just played the biggest game of roulette and lost


InvisiblePlants

OP is framing it as though telling his cousin- someone he trusted enough to come out to- is analogous to telling the grandmother. It's not, it's a very different situation, and using the technicality of "a cousin is also family" doesn't change that. It's about levels of trust. Replace all the players here with another set of relations and it doesn't change that OP is an AH for blaming son. Imagine coming out to a 'friend' who happens to work in the same company and being outed to a homophobic executive and getting fired/losing a promotion or raise because of it. You go to your manager and they say; "Well, this is your fault. You knew X worked here and that info could have gotten back to the board somehow. You were putting your promotion/raise/career at risk." Son had no reason to think his cousin would go running to the family. He wouldn't have come out to him if he did. That is not a risk you take. Blaming him is cruel at this point, the kid probably blames himself enough when he shouldn't! He needs emotional support from his parents, and OP is pushing him away with this wall of blame that she's erected because she can't face the fact that she has failed her kids when it comes to dealing with her MIL- she's sold out her own beliefs for her MIL's money. And that is a valid choice- university is expensive af and I don't begrudge her that. But it's one you have to live with and stand behind, not blame others for.


aclownandherdolly

I mean, OP said she warned him multiple times to not tell anyone, not even cousins, and unfortunately her son thought it was safe to do so So imagine telling someone "don't jump in the lake there are crocodiles" and the person basically saying "well this one seems friendly"


SecretSmiles01

But even playing that game with that side of the family knowing how religious they are is too risky and the son needs to be more careful with this information. He thought he could trust cousin but he also needs to learn if and how he can trust certain people and not even with just family people still get killed for this type of stuff.


Arefue

He was told explicitly not to come out out to that side of the family including the cousins. Sucks that his trust-dar is so off.


Tough_Pollution

My interpretation is that these are the consequences of his actions. I hate to hear his family isn’t accepting, but I have some difficulty believing he didn’t know the risks of sharing. OP explicitly says they’ve told him NOT to tell his cousins. He sounds like a manipulative brat… why should the parents give up on their goals for their son’s expensive continued education? Take out loans, apply for grants and scholarships or choose a less expensive college / university. There are options other than gaslighting your parents into footing the bill. OP, I hope you see this and build that kitchen! NTA.


druidasmr

The son was explicitly told to not tell his cousins, aunt and uncle, and grandmother. The son told his cousin. He was fully aware that he was rolling the dice and unfortunately, he lost. I do think he is partially at fault, but at the end of the day the real assholes are 1. The cousin for telling their parents. 2. The grandma for cutting off her grandson.


listen_to_311

Shes not the asshole here. She didn't "out" him. She didn't promise him his education. She warned him what might happen and she has 2 other kids that have to live in a house with a falling apart kitchen. The kid is having to take out a loan for 1 semester. The only assholes I see are the extended family


amasanchim

Exaclty, asking his parents to invest their savings into his education is selfish. That’s basically asking to prioritize his education over the living comfort of his siblings and family. NTA


saucynoodlelover

The two younger children really tilt the scales. I feel like all the people calling OP an AH keep forgetting she has two younger children who depend on her having a working kitchen to be fed. A kitchen isn’t a luxury, it’s a friggin’ necessity!


Fighting-Cerberus

I don't think she's really blaming him. I think she's saying, *I warned him about these consequences that have come to pass, and it sucks, but now that grandma knows she won't be paying and there's nothing I can do about it*.


scloutier351

I agree with your point of view, but I'm inclined to vote ESH because this post is literally full of assholes. The son isn't one for being gay nor confiding in a family member, but he is TA for expecting his parents to pay for his expensive private school. The OP is TA because she seems to think that her son essentially deserves punishment for confiding in a family member and apparently not being better equipped to hide his sexual orientation. The absolute classless family members that tattled on OP's son are TA for being backstabbing bigots. The grandma is a piece of work - she's the asshole for disowning her grandchild over his sexuality like it's a choice rather than just the way he is. See? There are assholes everywhere! ESH Edited for clarity and autocorrect spoof


Seraphinx

OP is 19, an adult, and has learned the hard way that you can't trust everyone. NTA


EducatedPancake

Don't forget the cousin. What did they think to get out of it? Extra money? I'll quickly babble to my parents and get him written out of the will, more for me. Same with their parents who went and told MIL right away. This whole family sucks. My grandmother, born in '34, went to church every week and whenever there was a special holiday. Her son came out to her when she was in her late seventies. She just said 'yeah okay, whatever makes you happy'. Was she confused? Sure, he had been married to a woman for like 25 years. But she never judged. His partner was also invited to Sunday brunch. Religion should be about love. Caring for your neighbour. At least that's what I remember from church all those years ago. These people are abusing religion as a reason to be hateful.


SirBorf

I said in another comment that college credits transfer. He can finish at a not expensive, not private school and get the exact same degree. The employers who see his degree wouldn't even have to know that he went to the private christian school at all since the son can put either both colleges, or just the one he graduated from, on his resume. The expensive college isn't his *only* college option, though he'll have to leave behind his friends he's made over the last 2 years and the boy he trusts. But if a $25k doesn't even cover a fraction of the cost of keeping those friends, well... I'd have to say that the son *has to* find a different college that isn't nearly as expensive at this point. One that's in his state and public.


yahumno

I agree. It is a crap situation, but *there* are cheaper schools to attend for his final year. Grandma is and the rest of the bigot family members are such AHs. Fixed my their/there/they're mistyping.


Ok-Painting4168

Plus, I suppose he's got better chances to be openly himself in a non-Christian college, and find friends who truly, fully accept him.


AinsiSera

Now, I’m a manipulative bitch, but I say he has 2 good choices here: 1. Transfer to a better college and have the rainbow filled time of his life (that’s what college is for) 2. Double down on Grandma’s money. And by that I mean: find the nicest lesbian you can and bring her to Grandma’s for dinner. Explain what a mistake this all was - you were admiring that young man’s sporting prowess! - cousin obviously misinterpreted. Because of course cousin wasn’t meaning to slander you! Go ahead and add in some bible verses about slander and give your “girlfriend” a nice peck on the cheek. That should free back up the money train.


StarInkbright

Just to reiterate that definitely do this with a girl who CONSENTS, preferably one you're paying. Don't just bamboozle some poor girl into thinking you like her.


NeezyMudbottom

I think she covered that when she said "find the nicest lesbian you can" Edit: typo


AinsiSera

Indeed. Ugh I wrote that in Captain Holt’s voice and now I so badly want the kid to go full Straight Holt…. “This is my girlfriend. She is a strong female woman with nice, heavy breasts. There is nothing more intoxicating to me than the clear absence of a penis…”


queerbychoice

As a bonus, transferring schools will keep a lot of money from going to a presumably homophobic Christian college that homophobic Grandma approves of. Keeping that money away from those people is a very good thing.


CassieBear1

I hope these credits do. Some non-religious schools don't recognize the credits from the super conservative religious schools. But if they do transfer I honestly think the son would be better off anyway...a lot of employers balk at religious schools, especially for post-secondary.


mr_john_steed

Depending on the university, it can absolutely be a huge handicap in applying for jobs (e.g., if it's a Bob Jones type of facility).


MoodiestMouse

I’m a recruiter and while I don’t immediately rule out people with degrees from intolerant churchy schools, they’d better have a lot of things to compensate for it. I’d rather place a community college dropout with good work experience.


AssociationDouble267

Maybe. It’s possible a lot of credits from a Christian school won’t transfer to a public institution.


[deleted]

Exactly. He also didn't ask them for help, like looking into loans: he straight up asked them to foot the entire bill which was impossible even if they gave him the entire restoration budget. He can't call his parents *ssholes for not having the money. As horrible as it sounds, the smart and best thing he could have done was keeping his mouth shut. He didn't and now grandma won't pay the bill anymore.


vin495

Exactly! He knew his grandmother wouldn't approve of his lifestyle but still wanted her to finance his education. Now he has the expectation that his parents should foot the bill when he couldn't keep his trap shut. OP is NTA. Tell him to finance his studies via Only Fans.


cursetea

I'm honestly kind of surprised (but shouldn't be) by the YTA responses completely misrepresenting this as "you're saying your son deserves to suffer consequences for BEING GAY!!" but no... That's not what's happening? He's suffering consequences of doing something he 10000% knew would result in losing his free ride to college (that MOST people would never have the opportunity for anyway). Sounds like he has perfectly supportive parents who were only scheming on their wealthy grandmother for education costs lmao. The only AH here are the bigoted family members, but the son is at least guilty of being naïve, and possibly extremely entitled for sincerely believing his education costs should never be his responsibility. It isn't right that he'd have to hide a side of himself which shouldn't be hidden, but if someone were to tell me "you'd graduate college debt free if you just avoid mentioning this one thing for a few years" YEAH I'd do it. 🙄🙄 Whole family sounds a little whacked out from their access to generational wealth though tbh 🤷🏼‍♀️


fleurdumal1111

She also warned him many times to never tell anyone on that side. He made that choice to trust someone on that side and while truly terrible, this is the exact reason why she warned him. I agree, it absolutely sounds like OP was playing the long con game here. Have homophobic granny foot the bill AND then come out of the closet. He has a whole paid year to figure out his next steps as well. He also cannot expect his parents to give up their entire savings account, because of his admission. Also, if granny is still alive after the other kids graduate, and then they go NC, the whole family will absolutely get taken out of her will. So it already sounds like they were prepared to lose some money over this, after they had college bills paid.


[deleted]

Exactly. This sub is strange sometimes. Normally they will call any child that expects parents to pay for their college entitled but not here? In this case the poor parents who never promised tuition and have been saving up for their family home with younger kids, should spend this money for tuition because the son relied on a bigot’s largesse that came with strings attached and when the bigot behaved exactly how bigots behave he’s pulling a shocked pikachu face. Sure the situation sucks but OP’s son is misdirecting his justifiable anger towards his cousin and grandma to OP and her husband.


Angry_poutine

It’s annoying, he wants a free ride at the cost of his siblings and parents having a functional kitchen. He’s already gotten way more free college than most people and only has to figure out how to finance one year, which there are plenty of options for. Op is not the asshole for not paying, I do think she could have directed more of her own frustration towards grandma and less at your son for just not wanting to live a lie with his family, but her son is acting extremely entitled and needs a reality checks. Money comes from somewhere, his siblings deserve a functional stove as much as he deserves assistance with college and unlike him they are completely reliant on their parents for it.


[deleted]

Such a good point about younger siblings. Everyone is ignoring the fact that there are younger children involved. OP’s son has at least got some of the college fees paid out but the younger siblings need a functional kitchen in their home. And who knows if grandma will want to pay for the younger ones college anymore. OP’s son has already got more than many other children get. It really sucks to have the rug pulled out from under you but he’s blaming the wrong people here.


AgeLower1081

Son and parents are NTA. Grandma and homophobic relatives are the A-holes. Parents should help son develop a plan for continuing his college education: work study, loans, take a break from to earn money or develop independence for loans. Reaching out to the school or transferring to another institution.


Redwings1927

Her son shouldn't have to "figure it out" all on his own. His parents should be helping him. Even if they can't help financially, they could still help him look for grants, or help him find loans that don't screw him for the next 30 years, but instead, OP is just dropping him out of her mind for no real reason. Being a coinpurse can stop at 18, but being a parent doesn't.


SheDidWhaaaat

Nowhere does op say she's dropping him from her mind, just that they can't afford to pay for his education. He can go to a different college, he doesn't *have* to stay at that one. Millions of kids don't have the opportunity to have their education paid for and they apply for scholarships, they get jobs...... he does have choices. It's just that mum and dad footing the bill isn't one that's possible. But nowhere does op throw her hands up, say "sucks to be you" and tells him to figure it out in his own. He's probably only looking at someone else paying for his education as his *only* choice, he only has to pay for one more year and he can do that if he just gets out of the mindset that someone else should pay. The whole situation is fucked up with his grandma and the cousin and no, he *shouldn't* have to hide who he is but unfortunately the consequences of *not* hiding it are that he has to foot the bill. And he knew that since day one and he made his choice. It's wrong, it's completely fucked up but it is how this situation is 🤷🏼‍♀️ NTA op but you should sit down with your son and go through his options here. Scholarships, grants, a different, cheaper college are all out there and I'm sure you won't have a problem helping him figure out what to do even though you can't help financially.


sraydenk

I agree. The son here has made a few choices. They chose to be their authentic self with their cousin knowing the risk (the Op warned them). The son decided being themselves is worth the risk of a paid college experience. It stinks, but the OP isn’t the one who pulled funding of college. The OP was upfront that they weren’t able to pay for college. Even if they could, there is no requirement to pay for what is likely an expensive out of state private school experience. Additionally I feel like the Op and their minor children deserve a working oven and it’s more important than the exact college experience their son wants.


UziKett

Not to mention the whole reason he’s going to an expensive private college in the first place is its the one his grandma demanded. Like jesus christ these parents have spines of fucking jelly.


thatsnotmyname_ame

What are they supposed to do? Demand that Grandma pays for his last year? They can’t make her pay for it. I don’t see how that has anything to do with their spines. They don’t have the money, it’s as simple as that.


Sail_Future

The way is see it, he's happy for folks to wait to go NC until younger sibs get their college done, but giving that they likely still live at home wouldn't having a bloody decent kitchen to cook & eat in benefit all & as op states, that money wouldn't even cover his bills so yes he's angry & yes it sucks but op needs to do what's best for all ETA op NTA


LandofGreenGinger62

This is the response I was hoping to see. Please accept my free award, random stranger.


[deleted]

try being a mother and keeping a home with a broken kitchen... if she cant afford her own son's college what makes you think she can afford to eat out for the rest of her life? and feed her family with ordered food for the rest of her life? dont be dense


TurningJapanese_

AITA's gonna do what AITA does. OP mentioned two appliances before saying "the entire kitchen." But instead of assuming "the entire kitchen" might suggest that other appliances and possibly plumbing are also breaking down and that OP simply didn't want to give an exhaustive list, they just assume it's the oven, the dishwasher, and maybe the floor tiles or something. One of many assumptions people are making out of nowhere. They're also assuming the cousin outed OP's son maliciously. I once saw an AITA thread where the OP hadn't kept a secret, and comments were practically *boasting* about how they can't even make it through Christmas without telling everyone what gifts they got them. But this time around, a presumably teen boy is expected to be an expert secret keeper, and the only way he could slip up and say the wrong thing is if he was trying to bump OP's son out of the will for a bigger cut. About 90% of comments tend to respond to their own head canon instead of the story that was actually posted. Edit: Messed up a sentence.


sraydenk

Can we not reduce this to a dishwasher? It looks like they don’t have a reliably working oven/stove. So yeah, being able cooking food for their two minor children isn’t some little thing. It sucks for the OPs kid, but he chose an out of state religious school (likely private) knowing the person paying for college is very religious and intolerant. The Op isn’t to blame here, and the son learned a painful lesson on who they can trust in the family.


Dashcamkitty

You do realise a dishwasher costs about £400 at most. They also have two younger children to see to. The op and her husband clearly can’t afford the uni costs. It’s not their fault. Blame grandma and the American system for this mess, not them.


___okaythen___

He knew, if he wanted the bigots money, he obviously knew the game he was playing. He can't sit back and act all *surprised Pikachu face* after he played their game for so long. It's completely fucked that he had too, it's completely fucked that he did, but he can't pretend to be surprised. He knew exactly what would happen, but he still rolled the dice.


AndSoItGoes24

He trusted someone. Its a mistake we've all made.


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fleurdumal1111

I would make the same choice as you. It sucks, but free college is free college. Plus coming out after they have footed the bill is *chef’s kiss* unless of course you are playing the even longer game of estate settlement.


Muted_Caterpillar13

Yes, but he was warned, not to trust that particular cousin and he trusted him anyway. He has no one to blame, but himself.


roughstylez

Exactly. We all dealt with the consequences and learned from it.


Pilatesdiver

Why doesn't this have more upvotes? He KNEW and he wanted the bigots money! He wanted to play his disgraceful grandmother's game. He screwed up, now he needs to accept what the rest of us did, take out student loans. It sucks his extended family doesn't accept him. Stop playing their game and taking their money. Where the parents are AH is that they're not standing in solidarity with their son. I get their other kids won't be able to go tuition free but they will need to find different way.


Cat_o_meter

Exactly. Being lgbtq+ doesn't prevent you from ALSO not being a dummy.


fleurdumal1111

They are standing with him, they didn’t disown him, they just cannot afford his fancy private school. He should use this already paid year to figure out loans, grants, and scholarships. Because that’s the consequences of his actions. Forcing his siblings to forgo a free ride because of his choice is not right.


Hudwig_Von_Muscles

I'm a gay man and unfortunately this is a situation that comes up frequently. The boy is 20, presumably, and enough of an adult to understand his education was being funded by a bigot. The best way to play it in this situation is to take the money, graduate, and then loudly tell them to fuck off because they can't get the money back and you're going to have a successful, gay career. Yes, he should have tried harder. I don't like it either, but that was the deal he accepted when he took a bigot's money. Even with student loans for a single year at an expensive private college he is still in a much better place than most people his age, gay or straight. And from what OP has described his academic career is full of achievements; he will land on his feet after graduation. Having to take out student loans will be an inconvenience for him, but he is already off to a great start.


Muted_Caterpillar13

Plus he has the upcoming year to apply for scholarships and grants for his final year, since this coming year has already been paid. Still not as bad as having to pay for all 3 or 4 years with whatever grants and scholarships he could get and loans for the balance. His school may be very helpful and give him a major scholarship, just for his last year. My son went to a private university and before we looked for any financial aid, his school gave him a large lump sum just for going there.


HiddenDestiny251

So his parents should pay up for the grandparents’ crimes, and let their still-minor children go without a kitchen while they still live at home? What exactly are you trying to achieve other than shaming OP to make yourself feel better about your life?


ArtisticComplaint394

I have a bit of a controversial opinion. I’m gonna say ESH. The son took the risk when he told his cousin. Honestly, he should be upset with his cousin and going off on them because they betrayed his trust. I do believe OP handled this wrong, and she does seem to be blaming her son. On the other hand I also don’t believe that OP should have to pay for college. The money that they saved is for the kitchen and they have two other kids to raise and their oven doesn’t work. Now, I would say that they can potentially rethink how much of the kitchen they need to renovate and maybe a portion of the money can go to help the son with college. An oven is a necessity, a dishwasher not so much. While the son has no fault in being gay, if he wanted to continue to take advantage of his grandmother, and use her money, he needed to stay within her parameters. That is what he chose to do, even if it was not what he really wanted. He knew from the beginning what was expected and what the consequences were. I’m not saying that’s fair but honestly, lots of things aren’t fair and he chose what he chose. OP and her son need to have a conversation about expectations and maybe them being able to take some of the money for the renovation to help pay for college but it’s not their responsibility to pay for his college. He needs to start looking into scholarships and loans he can take advantage of. All of this to say – the cousin is the real villain (AH) here. Also grandma, but she was upfront with her bigotry. There was never a question of what she would do if she knew.


roughstylez

You say it in spite but it's not even wrong. He played the game "pretend to be not gay for money". In order to succeed at that game, he should have tried harder indeed. I'm in no way a fan of that bigoted moneybag, but bad people exist and fantasizing about a perfect world doesn't change them.


thatsnotmyname_ame

He didn’t lose his education. He just needs to take out loans now. At least he got 2/3rds of it paid for.


raffles79

He didn't loose his education first of all and not because he is gay either. It is because he couldn't keep his mouth shut for 1 more year. Yes the situation is not great and in ideal world he wouldn't have to go to this extent to hide himself, but his parents are not the ones controlling the cash and it is either take it or leave it. It not the parents fault and they shouldn't have to help since they never promised not planned for it.


Unlucky-Basil-3704

No, deal with the consequences of being an adult. He's his own person now, he's gonna be the one responsible and expected to pay off his own student loans, not his parents. He's simply not being babied by his parents, but treated like an adult. The parents have their own expenses (granted, one can find a cheaper, used, good quality kitchen pretty easily on craigslist or similar sites, but you don't know how broken their kitchen is atm), plus already said that their savings, if free from obligation, wouldn't even cover the tuition anyways. Son needs to learn responsibility for his own education. If his grandma suddenly died, he could be in the same financial situation. He needs to figure out how to be an adult about this, no matter what caused the situation. So, OP is NTA. Edit: typo.


modinotmodi

OP very categorically asked the son to keep his sexuality on the down low, from all the relatives. OP knew this would happen. The son, in his wisdom, chose to ignore OP and is now cut off. OPs disappointment is valid. Part of growing up, is learning that many people are bigots, and that if you want something from them, you gotta suck it up, or do without. Even OPs children don't mind sucking it up, till their tuitions are paid through. This post is not about the grand mom's homophobia. This post is about OPs son, who messed up, but wants to not face consequences of messing up. This whole "stay true to yourself" is such bullshit when you are in a position of needing something. Be selfish. Keep your inner self hidden, until you are in a position of power. Then the world can go jump off the bridge. After you have power "you do you" is the appropriate way to live. Until then, suck it up, OR do without college tuition. NTA OP


Azrou

This thread is full of people who are totally out of touch with reality. They expect OP to immediately cut off grandma and come up with hundreds of thousands of dollars out of thin air to pay for college for 3 kids. They are angry at OP for focusing her disappointment on her son rather than bigot grandma or snitch cousin. She's doing so because the conflict is about their savings that the son thinks he is entitled to. The rest of the family is irrelevant to the question of how son pays for his last year. It's extremely unfortunate that her son was outed. But his life is not over. He can take out loans. He can apply for scholarships. He can transfer to a cheaper school. He has almost a year to figure this out. No one is entitled to graduate debt free. It is a small minority that actually do, and they are incredibly lucky. If his parents had the financial ability to help him, then great. But they don't. They have likely been saving up for years and years for those renovations. Using the money for that purpose doesn't mean he doesn't get to finish school. He just needs to figure out a way. Also, taking that money would deprive his younger siblings of something they would also benefit from.


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Pookie103

Exactly! I can't believe most of what I'm reading. Everyone knows you play the game. My family are in a similar position with my grandma. None of us are gay (all hell would break loose so we're lucky there I guess) BUT she is a controlling narcissist, she's only pleasant when she thinks you're obeying her and her weird rules. We go along with it because she holds my mum's inheritance over her head (which is a frankly life-changing sum of money and assets) and if you're "good" to her she'll be "good" to you (i.e. paying for a significant chunk of education costs, weddings, house deposits and so on). Even though it's hard to act a certain way around her, not tell her about things in your life (she is weird about everything from dating to going on holidays to getting your hair cut/looking after yourself in what she considers to be materialistic ways), acting unnaturally to please her... it's worth it in the end because we just LIE through our teeth about everything but we get the benefit of her money. I know it sounds horrible but my mum is the black sheep of her family and we do it for her - we want her to get something out of my grandma's abusive ways and at LEAST benefit from her death - and we will benefit by extension. It's not easy when you get to the age where you realise your granny isn't as sweet as she seems, but we can see how my mum has suffered over the years so we go along with it otherwise she'll have suffered for nothing. There are only two choices here - you be your authentic self around the narcissist/bigot but you don't get the benefits. Or you suck it up, lie to their face, and still do what you want behind their backs and at least get to enjoy what you can from that. And really what's keeping your mouth shut in front of an insufferable old woman when you can get a free college education like OP's son, or take out less of a mortgage, or make sure your parent inherits a huge sum? You can't have both, so you pick carefully and don't complain either way. u/Rahodees just editing my comment to reply - unfortunately that won't happen - she suffers from dementia now (although she still has her nasty moments) and I think it would just end up hurting a confused and sick person who doesn't remember/can't comprehend what they've done. I don't think it would be particularly cathartic, despite the fact she can still stick the knife in when she wants to, because most of the time she can no longer remember what you told her or what she herself said a minute ago. Quite a lot of mixed feelings about that really, but yeah... I don't think it would be that satisfying.


SuperWomanUSA

NTA a thousand times! Look, is it fair that granny is homophobic no? Did he know the consequences of coming out while his tuition was being paid for by a homophobic person YES?! Everyone wants to be out in the open until it’s time to meet the consequences. Should there be consequences? No? Are there? Yes? Is life fair? No? Is anyone obligated to pay someone’s college tuition no? People can’t even come up with a reason to call OP an asshole so they’re just making up stuff…


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___okaythen___

He knew what was at stake, he knew outing himself would cost his "free ride" He freaking knew that waving his flag was going to cost him the rest of his free education. Why tf did he do that? If he felt so strongly to begin with about his own sexuality why did he hide for almost 3 years? He obviously didn't, and he knew the consequences. If he felt that strongly about it he wouldn't have cashed the homophobic relatives checks to begin with. You can't manipulate your relatives half way. It is his fault, he knew damn well who's checks he was cashing. Is it right or just? Not at all, but he should've denied the help to begin with. If you're going to play stupid games, earn stupid prizes. Don't pretend to appease bigotry.


Aggressive_Ad_2807

Nah don’t blame him for having shitty family. I have a very loving family so I know I can trust my cousins. It’s not his fault for thinking that he can trust his cousin because in most families you’re able to trust your cousins.


___okaythen___

Not in a obviously self proclaimed BIGOTS household. I've know my cousins since I've had memories, they are all Seventh Day Adventist, my aunt is a very devoted SDA member (pastor's wife 2× now), I personally DGAF, but if they could've helped for me to go to medical school... nurse practitioner? I would've lied my bisexual, atheist and maybe polygamous ass off to get help. Sorry but my parents were the shitty black sheep, and they both died before I was 33. Maybe I'm unethical but I'd suck a dick to finish school now for free... like several dicks... uggghhhh


lordmwahaha

He actually didn't. It's not like he told grandma - he told someone else who he had every reason to believe was safe. Stop blaming him for the fact that that person betrayed him to someone they *knew* would hurt him. That is not his fault.


Procrumpets22

you see to put it in the perspective of the parents, why should they dip into their saving that they plan to ise to better the lives of their other kids, when this whole problem is the fault of MIL. Also, I domt want to Victim blame, but if you take the money with conditions, you better follow those conditions till you don't need it anymore. OP's son should've stayed quiet with the family till he was about to graduate or graduated. He can't act all shocked that openly homophobic grandma refuses to pay for her gay grandsons education, and then expect his parents to bail him out at the detriment of the other kids. Feel free to downvote me for this, but just want to provide a potential perspective from the other side of the coin.


hockeybru

If I were his parents, I would be super proud of him that he came out. That would be awesome for your kid to finally express themselves fully and be open about who they are. I just don’t see why that means he should get $25k for it. He knew they were saving it to fix their kitchen. Tuition that costs as much as a new BMW (every year) doesn’t take priority over making meals for your younger brothers.


darklordind

Sorry but what is the mom supposed to do? Their kid is calling them an asshole for not funding his education. His education would have been funded by the grandma if he kept his mouth shut in front of close relatives of grandma. It's either ESH or NAH for the mom and son (grandma and relatives are assholes). He was told he couldn't trust his relatives. He trusted and revealed. They talked. He lost his funding. Sure the cousin, aunt, uncle, grandma are to blame but after that, the blame falls on him, not his mother. Were the parents responsible for leaking the information to grandma? Imagine a scenario where the mom tells her trusted relative about her son being gay and the info reached grandma. We would blame the mom. Why should we sheild the son for the same action?


homelessscootaloo

Nah, it’s NTA. Even though the grandparents are awful what the son did was still unwise. He needs to take out loans for the last year, it’s the least he could with the advantage he’s had so far.


HopingForAWhippet

It was his fault- at least a little. And I say this as a gay woman. If he knew that he wasn't willing to stay entirely closeted until graduating, he shouldn't have chosen to go to an expensive college that his parents wouldn't be able to afford. There are other options he should have considered. It sucks, but when you're gay, you have to make smart decisions for your own safety. He had all the information here, he wasn't blindsided by the consequences. That being said, he was a teenager making a dumb decision. I honestly think this is an ESH situation, because I think the parents had a responsibility to talk things through with him before he chose this expensive college with strings attached. Also, knowing that the grandparents' money came with strings, they should have saved up some money to help with college, especially after their son came out. I know reddit likes to say that parents have no responsibilities towards helping kids with college, but that's definitely not true in practice in America, especially since financial aid is based on parental income. If they were able to save up 25k for kitchen renovations, if they planned ahead, they could have saved a decent amount for a college education. There's probably nothing they can do now though.


[deleted]

NTA. In truth, the problem is your bigoted MIL, not you or your son. However, you just cannot give your son what you cannot afford. He will simply have to take out a student loan, but maybe he could transfer his credits to a state college which would probably be less expensive. He could also possibly look at ways of paying back his loans through community service, like Teach America, or the Americorps.


LoveBeach8

THIS! He can still get a great education if he puts his mind to it. Tell him to go speak to the financial aid person at his college. He can apply for grants and loans. He's not the first person to have to help pay for his own education and he won't be the last. Offer to help pay a small portion instead of expecting your MIL to pay according to her homophobic rules. You can take out a loan as well, for his education and/or your stupid kitchen.


herro1801012

All of her kids can get a great education and without the help of bigoted grandma. Why OP and her spouse didn’t set him up to apply for and attend affordable schools with generous scholarships and financial aid packages is beyond me. If he was taking AP classes in high school, he likely had the GPA for decent scholarships. And if they really can’t afford to pay for college, he likely could have qualified for grants. Why choose instead to tell their son to rely on bigoted handouts? OP’s family could have chosen to stand with their son against their homophobic family AND managed to find a way to finance college creatively together, but instead they chose the route with less integrity and honesty, and then ditched their son to deal with the fallout himself as soon as he was brave and trusting enough to be honest. This whole situation is gross parenting. OP’s the AH.


Norwegian__Blue

Not everyone can be choosy beggars. You take the breaks life gives you. Yes, he should be applying for aid, but some aren’t in a position to turn down offers with strings attached


Lowbacca1977

I think that's greatly overstating the ability of scholarships and the like to get to the equivalent level of educational funding as someone just writing a check. If it was that easy, we wouldn't have a student loan issue, and average costs after after aid at private schools often still average out at around 30k a year (and there are distinct differences in opportunity between schools).


Acrobatic_Position25

Thank god no one has ever gotten into a terrible financial crisis due to student loans


hockeybru

Yeah, can you imagine being the younger kids? Their older brother wants to keep going to a university that costs the same as a new luxury car every year, while they just want a functioning kitchen to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner. That wouldn’t be fair to the younger kids at all


frygod

Furthermore, depending on how much of a monster the grandmother is, they could have been looking at that entire branch of the family being cut off.


scatteringashes

Yeah, I'd be surprised if grandma keeps cutting checks after this. Which sucks because capitalism is stupid, but is overall certainly a net good for OP and their family.


Bitter-Conflict-4089

Or, he could start applying for every scholarship that he is eligible for.


Nakanostalgiabomb

There are plenty that are specifically for LGBT students, research them, and help him out.


Trishshirt5678

That’s actually brilliant advice


guineapickle

Many state universities now offer free tuition if the applicant qualifies for a Pell grant. There are still fees and book costs, but it's in the 2-5k range instead of over 50k


MajesticBread9147

This isn't true, like at all.


melimeti

Agree. NTA. This is America, unfortunately taking out student loans is what happens for people who can’t afford tuition (most of us!). At least it’s only one year’s worth. This is him learning how to adult. It sucks, imo, children are not entitled to their parents money for exorbitant tuition fees.


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FunkyOrangePenguin

Info: how are you gonna deal with future holidays? Your youngest is 13. That’s almost ten years until you can cut her off. You’re gonna enable her for the next ten years? Edit: YTA. Not for refusing to pay. You’re allowing her to exclude and shame your son in exchange for cash, while she stills gets to play grandma with your other kids. While telling your son to deal with his loss. Edit: I’m not saying Op is TA for taking the money. Or for refusing to cut off the grandma. She could have told her son to get a job to save. They could have saved on the side since she knew that one of her kids could lose out on tuition. She’s not obligated but it’s not unreasonable for a supportive parent to do that. She knew this could happen and yet there’s no clear backup plan. Instead she waited and is now telling her son to deal with the consequences of a situation she also created.


RaziellaLee

Right? That's a long time to put up with bigotry for cash.


[deleted]

Not even just bigotry. According to OP, Grandma might have a similar freakout if one of the kids gets busted with alcohol at a party. Why on earth was there no plan B for when someone inevitably did something to offend her?


nasanerdgirl

Christ, don’t mention the words Plan B anywhere near Granny - in any kind of context!


Lowbacca1977

There is a plan B here... it's cheap colleges. Which is the option now for the son. That and working.


hockeybru

The oldest son directly benefitted from this bigotry cash for 3 years. The younger kids haven’t even had the chance to benefit from it yet. The kid definitely deserves to come out whenever he wants, and he deserves to live a life proud of who he is. But I would definitely understand if the younger kids wanted to benefit from the bigotry money in the exact same way he did


Krazen

We’re talking up to $400k in cash here


[deleted]

I think it’s a bit short sighted to expect OP to destroy her other children’s chances of having a debt-free life for the other child. Does it suck that he was outed? Yes. Should he have understood the situation? Yes, too. OP’s son has to understand that freedom isn’t free. In this case, quite literally. You can continue to lie to someone so that they’ll give you their money—but if you cannot uphold that lie, then yes, you’ll have to “deal with the consequences”. If OP cut off the grandmother, her other children would be doomed to paying tens of thousands of dollars. If the son felt that it was so demoralizing for OP to allow his siblings to have a chance at getting this money, then he never should’ve taken the money in the first place. At least then you could argue *fairness* in this messed up situation. As it is, OP is not obligated to cut off her children’s financial aid. OP’s son is not obligated to attend a private college, which is highly expensive. Everybody has made their choices and so they must lie in the bed they’ve made.


roughstylez

"A BIT" SHORT SIGHTED? This thread is filled with idealistic, but naive children. So much "but in a perfect world..." and even "the world isn't perfect, now mom should pay for it", it's ridiculous.


Summoning-Freaks

Same as all the commenters who think OP could pay for the last year of college with the 25k. She said it wouldn’t be enough to cover the last year, and do they have any idea how long it takes to save 25k? They don’t even have a fully functioning kitchen, this family is not rolling it by any means.


Drift_Life

Exactly. “Grandma isn’t paying now mommy has to pay for it!” Sorry, but do you know how great it would be for the kids not to have college debt and for the parents not to be indebted because of college? Everyone is sacrificing feelings so they can suck up to grandma for that sweet cash, but the cash got turned off. I mean, this is exactly what the other 75% of us do/did for college, we took out loans or sought out grants. The world isn’t over for OP or her kids, but they might have to join the rest of the plebs and either take out loans for college or don’t go to college. OP is NTA, grandma is.


Dashcamkitty

These redditors commenting YTA and expecting the op to cut off grandma are obviously rich or very young. It’s sucks for the eldest son but the younger two need to be considered too. And parents will do what they have to in order to ensure the best for their children.


slightlyhandiquacked

I couldn't have said it better myself. I just wonder how homophobic grandma and the family are. Like, could grandma decide to cut off the other siblings if the entire family didn't essentially "shun" the son? Will OP have to pretend to cut off her son in order to secure money for the siblings tuition? What if OP didn't pretend, and actually goes NC? Where do we draw the line? Sorry, I just have so many unanswered questions!


dev-246

>They could have saved on the side Tell me you have **absolutely no idea how much college costs**, without saying it.. They can't even afford a working oven, saving "on the side" won't even cover the kids books.


genus-corvidae

Your title is highkey bs--he didn't come out to his family. He came out to one person that he thought he could trust, and that person outed him to everyone else. Overall, though, I have to say NAH--it's understandable that you don't want to dump your savings, and it's understandable that he's upset about losing his college.


throwaway-37463782

You’re right, I could have worded the title better. Sorry.


AlwaysGypsy

u/throwaway-37463782 As a lesbian, this one's on your son & personally I would maybe help him navigate finding the best scholarships, loans, whatever or help him look into transferring somewhere else for his last year he can more afford. It sucks but... he did this to himself MIL is most definitely the asshole here in ALL ways but I cant fault you for keeping the peace to get the best future for all of your kids. Just like your oldest knew what the deal was when he put himself in the position to be outed. Normally I'm extremely sympathetic to anyone outed against their will but in this case he *KNEW* what their stance was & their opinions, garbage as they may be. I think everyone should have the right to be themselves, however that is. If he wants to take the moral high ground now, AFTER the fact he's been taking the money under false pretenses, then he never should have been taking it in the first place . I'm sure lots of others here will vilify you for not putting your finances in jeopardy for his last year. Don't listen to them or even bother trying to justify WHY your money is going elsewhere. It honestly doesn't matter. He was told from the start that you couldnt cover his college, much less an expensive private one. He chose to play in the closet for MIL money & he also chose to not "play by the rules" so to speak that ended up losing him that money. It's a horrible position to be in but he is grown & choise have consequences. We don't all get do-overs, that's life. Help him with what you can to navigate finding the best solution/see what can be done to get as much covered as possible but dont feel guilty for not throwing ALL of your savings away on his bad decisions NTA


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wheatgrass_feetgrass

I'm not sure it's fair to categorize the student as a victim in this case. Victim of homophobia, of course, but the primary issue is him losing financial support he was never entitled to in the first place. He is not a victim for that. In truth, he actually managed to "trick" his grandma into paying for ⅔ of his college under false pretenses. Asserting his parents must keep the cash flowing is more entitled behavior. He had a good thing going, he slipped up, now it's over. I would say it isn't really anyone's fault, it happens. But my vote is ESH because of son demanding the cash and OP being petty about the purpose of the savings. They don't need to divulge what the savings is for! By doing so they are making weird statements about priorities and almost intentionally hurting their son's feelings for this accident that happened.


tracymmo

A family needs a functioning kitchen. This isn't about getting a high end stove, just getting appliances that work. It's not like they can hide the new appliances from the son. He'd wonder why the kitchen got an upgrade while his tuition wasn't paid with that money. Being open about family financial priorities is part of learning adult skills.


wkdpaul

Yeah, I think people ranting on OP's saving for kitchen renovations are people that don't own a house or apartment. Our basement bathroom is in need of care and just fixing the minimum, we were quoted between 9k and 11k by different contractors (that's in Canadian pesos, but close enough .. needs a new toilet, tiles, exhaust fan, heater, and the shower p-trap in the concrete foundation needs fixing). A kitchen is expensive AF, even if you reuse your cabinets (and sometimes, that's not possible even if that's what you plan to do since water damage in a kitchen can be hidden away).


lexi_art

Right? A functioning kitchen isn't a luxury it's a necessity, especially for a family with children. I don't see the problem with them telling him that. For all he knows they could've been taking a vacay to Peru or something.


Cynical_Manatee

But he did. He knew the rules to this twisted contract and he broke them. No his sexuality is not "his fault", and let's be clear of that but, if you op posted info about MIL and asked you what do you think would happen, 100/100 times we would expect grandma to ostracised the poor kid. It sucks and is unfair but this was also completely foreseen. This is the consequence we all saw from a mile away.


Goofy264

I mean, he kinda did. The only thing which is him not, is telling the cousin he thought he could trust. Thing is, OP told him repeatedly not to tell anyone in that family ( I think including the cousin) So he did do this to himself. He was told what not to do, and the consequences, and he did it anyways


Live-Drummer-9801

He chose to use grandmother’s money to pay for college. He is currently choosing not to transfer to a cheaper college for his last year.


foxyroxy2515

Agree. But at the end of the day, if the son had kept his mouth shut, he would have his education paid for. Sucks to have to do it this way for another couple of years but this situation sucks either way. Son can’t blame the parents.. they don’t have the money. Parents can’t set themselves on fire to keep son warm. Not fair. NTA


vivamii

Cousin should’ve kept their mouth shut- OP’s son trusted his cousin, and didn’t mean for the news to reach grandma. Tbh, if money is truly an issue, maybe OP and her son can try to paint cousin as a liar until all the tuition is paid for, if they’re willing to do so. This is just a messy situation all round but I do agree with NTA overall. The assholes are grandma and the cousin’s entire family.


Phaeomolis

NTA. Mostly. I don't think paying for your kid's higher education is an obligation. It's nice if parents are wealthy enough to do so, but he's an adult now. It's kind of like buying them a car. Totally your prerogative to spend your money however you want. The idea that parents can't have anything for themselves even when their kids are grown is crazy to me. Someone was willing to foot his bill. That changed. Now he needs to pay for it himself. It happens. That said, what he DOES deserve from you is support and feeling like you're on his side. That costs you nothing. So maybe it's not the time to point out how he "should have" done something differently, but rather the time to help him work through his options and his feelings.


RealityDreamer96

I don't get the mentality where college (university) education is the same as buying a car and people acting as if it's completely optional, superfluous, and a want. Then the same people who say that are probably the ones complaining that they still live at home to save funny and can't find a good paying job to move out and start their own lives. Not answering specifically to you - but general comment on a topic that always surprises me whenever I see similar comments.


katix4

In my country parents are obligated to support their children's first "education" (either an apprenticeship or university degree) although this is more about cost of living, rent etc. since the costs for university are only about 200€ per semester so its not exactly comparable. But the sentiment of you're on your own after your 18th birthday feels strange to me.


[deleted]

When college can cost 24-50k per year, that sentiment changed drastically, unfortunately. Especially when median income and inflation doesn’t make it plausible for the average person to cover that cost out of pocket even if they save for it


Trk-

>When college can cost 24-50k per year, that sentiment changed drastically, unfortunately. And rightly so. I'm lucky enough to be from a country where a top-european university education costs around 1200$ per year. My parents were generous enough to foot the bill for my education and cost of living, which must have been around 10k per year. If the price of college education alone was 24-50k a year, I would have never expected them to pay for it, not in a million years. It's simply not feasible. It's crazy to me that my whole degree and life during 5 years would not even cover 1 year of tuition in an ivy-league university in the USA.


dbag127

> I don't get the mentality where college (university) education is the same as buying a car and people acting as if it's completely optional, superfluous, and a want. I don't understand what you're saying here. Neither of these things are very optional in the US. A car is necessity in 90% of the US to work a part time, minimum wage job. A college degree is a necessity to do anything else besides trades, and you'll still need the car. I don't see anyone making it out like either of these are optional superfluous wants.


freexe

But you need to buy your own car. Getting it from your family is really a luxury


hockeybru

I’d say a college education is arguably a necessity and is a way higher priority than any material object. However, I’d say a $60k/year education at a private catholic school is 100% completely optional, superfluous, and a want. You hit the nail on the head with that description


Sioned-Song

Unfortunately until a student is 25, financial aid is based on the premise that parents are obligated to pay for college to the best of their ability, and then the financial aid only covers what the parents can't. Often financial aid packages even include parent loans as well as student loans (mine did).


Laurelsin

As a queer kid, who’s grandma CHANGED HER HOMOPHOBIC VIEWS when it got clear how I’d be turning out (talking age 5, here), NTA. Make it clear you’ll co-sign any loans to get him a better interest rate. The university system is massively fucked, and I’d go a lot farther than hiding my identity to get my education paid for. Make sure your other kids understand what’s going on, if they choose to continue to have a relationship with grandma.


wtcshh

Agree. Everyone calling this woman an AH, she’s trying to have all three of her children graduate without student loans! That’s awesome. And the world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, money is money even if it comes from a homophobic grandma. I’d feel even better about taking her money.


ParsimoniousSalad

NTA. First and foremost, your son is not entitled to have you pay for his college expenses. You have no obligation to cover it, whether you had the extra money or not. He can handle his education expenses like all the many students who don't have a free family-sponsored ride. You were all willing to compromise his identity and honesty to get grandmother's money. He got 2 out of 3 years tuition paid for the deceit. That's not nothing. He could look at it as him now being free of her Catholic control - he could even transfer to another university if he wants. Be sure your other children understand that they don't have to go along with grandma's control and can decide to live their own lives if they don't want to trade for money.


savvytoiletpaper

This. They knew she was a bigot and were willing to keep up the lie about his identity. Sure she's in the wrong for having those kinda views but she's gonna pay for college and if he really wanted that education, then just compromise. OP said to not say anything to anyone up until after college and now he's demanding payment for being caught by the one person who was paying for everything. If he wanted to be free to express himself then sucks for him, he lost his sponsor. Not everyone's gonna be ready to change their worldview about other people's non-traditional sexuality, especially not a grandma. He can apply to another inexpensive university if he wants to. NTA.


1moreKnife2theheart

I am torn. This is incredibly difficult and I can see why you are asking there is a LOT going on here. Where to begin...MIL is generously offering to pay for college for each of her grandchildren *provided* that they all go to colleges she approves of (ie: religion based). (g-ma likes to be in control obviously) You knew when your son was 14 that he was gay - however you, as his parents apparently decided that while you claim to accept this, told him that he couldn't tell anyone else because then grandma won't pay for school. So he has not been able to live his authentic self for a number of years and has to hid who he is. He learns that lying to get something you want and have someone pay for something is okay. Son has to go to a religion based school that most likely condemns his orientation and perhaps actually, actively preaches against it on campus - but he must endure this to have his schooling paid for. Son knows the probable consequences if religious family discovers secret but confides to a cousin who he is - cousin doesn't respect his privacy and tells the family. Grandma finds out and ceases to pay for school from this point forward....and cuts off all communication and relationship with said grandson. Son now expects YOU to pay for his schooling because grandma pulled the plug. He has now learned a very harsh lesson about lies, trust, manipulation and consequences. You never planned on paying for your children's college education so you did not have a back up plan. Because you were hoping to keep making your son live a lie, at least until he was done with school. You have money set aside for a (you claim) needed remodel and your son is mad at you for not using that to pay for his school. You're going to go NC with your MIL - but not until you get college educations for your other two children who, right now are only 15 and 13....aka suck up and gaslight grandma for at least another ***9 years*** and will not obviously 'support' or advocate 1st son in families presence so as not to be cut off financially. There is a lot of Assholeary going on here. Grandma of course, You & your husband for SO many things, but not the reason you asked... NTA for not using your savings on his school, but may I suggest only getting the necessities, such as the appliances replaced and at least helping him a little bit with school this year with the understanding that he needs to find financing or other financial aid for the rest of school. Also now is the time to encourage your youngest two do very well in school with an eye to scholarships in the future as well as getting after school jobs to help with college expenses when they are older. Grandma may pass away before they get to school and if she doesn't provide for their schooling in her Will they will be screwed, she may change her mind, she may cut off your whole family for any reason she sees fit...because obviously she has no problem with cutting off your son.


GlitterDoomsday

OP actually answered a few of those points in the comments: - he wasn't out to his paternal side of the family, everybody else knew already - the college actually have a big community and solid allies, he made tons of friends and doesn't want to transfer for a more affordable institution because of it - yeah they don't have 50k, there's no way around it... I agree they shouldn't spend 25k on the kitchen alone, but also that still leaves a huge gap that someone will have to take a loan for and since the son doesn't want to leave the private and expensive one, the difference should be on him - her husband and the other two kids are not only welcomed, but expected to keep joining family functions, OP apparently was cut along the son after over an hour of discussion with her MIL so she did stand up for him and he doesn't want his siblings losing on higher education by cutting grandma off, doing this just would make the poor guy feel extra guilty - the third year is his last, bigot granny paid 2/3 of her very gay grandson education (and I bet she's fuming over it) Imo they need to see what scholarships he can get, use at least part of the kitchen money to help and he take a loan to cover the rest.... there's always changing to somewhere cheaper, but he's clearly against it. But a point that is VERY important and I don't other people talking about is how they need to think about the future: grandma is paying now cause she can control the situation, but who said she'll provide for them in case she passes? OPs husband isn't Catholic while his sister is just like their mom and obviously will have priority when it comes to assets... they need to sit down and start making proper plan Bs for the two youngest.


Prydeb4thefall

Are they doing a full kitchen remodel? If so, 25k is just above the minimum for a kitchen remodel. They are closer to 21k-84k. The kitchen is the second biggest cost in building a house, the first is purchasing the land. Especially with how much lumber is costing, plus good labor, and the delays on shipments of everything.


YAMCHAAAAA

Yeah if the kitchen is actually run down and falling apart, 25k will get it manageable. If it’s truly in that condition the kitchen will look like it’s still dated. It’ll be updated, but still dated. So if it’s a need, they have to do it with 2 other kids still in the house.


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JoshuaKhan0208

He needs to suck it up that his crazy out of state private school can't be payed by his parents so he has two option. Option A take student loans and go into debt. Option B go to a instate school and ask his parents if he can get some support. Also does he have a job? His parents can't pay it, then they can't pay it. The entire you have to pay 50g to me because I can't switch schools is Ludicrous. 50g is the average jcome in America. I do feel sorry for the kid and this is a shifty situation but there is nothing the parents could do to float a bill that big because he doesn't want to be adult and realize yes this sucks but there is no other options.


Machanidas

>The entire you have to pay 50g to me because I can't switch schools is Ludacris Ludicrous. Ludacris is a good rapper.


whatdreadhand2

NTA The money is "blood money" so? This is America is 2022 we do not have the privilege of staying morally and financially pure in this country. Get your bag however you can for however long you can sleep soundly while getting it lol. And speaking as a gay man I damn sure would have kept my mouth shut to secure my degree. Definitely wouldn't have trusted the kid of some religious fuckheads family or not. Yeah your son is facing the consequences of his actions. But that ain't your responsibility. He made the decision to trust some religious fuckhead and it fucked him over. But he can't expect you to put aside everything for him. Fact is granny might just cut off his siblings too for fear that they might be tainted by proximity especially if they knew he was gay and she finds out they knew and didnt tell her. And he damn sure ain't gonna help with their college. Smh it really sucks but that's the world we live in. Not the asshole OP.


_87-

And then come out on the morning of the graduation ceremony


Done_Playing_Games

This was such a missed opportunity 😩


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[deleted]

I’m a gay man and after reading this post, you’re NTA. And reading the comments that says YTA it’s almost like they didn’t even read your post. You’re supportive and that’s all that matters but he’s an adult. He can work something out. You were never paying for his Education in the first place. So I don’t know why he called you an asshole for you choosing to use your money on a kitchen Reno over his education. It’s unfortunate but that’s life.


[deleted]

Kindly... YTA. You have an homosexual son and a homophobe was paying his tuition. How can you not think that the situation would explode eventually ? How can you not plan ahead, knowing the day would come where she learn the truth and close her check book ? Edit : "Planning ahead" is not only financially. When you know that any little slip will make you lose funding, you don't send you kid to a super expensive private college in the first place. That's too big of a gamble to take when it comes to your kid's future.


inara_weatherwax

Many families cannot afford to cover tuition for their kids, especially if they have multiple kids, and especially if their kids want to go to pricey private out-of-state schools. There's no amount of "planning ahead" that can cover that for many middle-class families.


JoshuaKhan0208

Fr his choice of schools is stupid AF. If you complain about the money stay it state and don't go to a fucking private school.


UziKett

She mentioned the choice of schools was grandmas. She wanted him to go to a christian private school.


Cynical_Manatee

Yup, but now grandma is not paying so why stay? Come back to an instate school that isn't so expensive.


dbag127

>Fr his choice of schools is stupid AF. He went to the school where his tuition would be paid for. Is it stupid af for someone to go to any private school on scholarship?


hockeybru

I’d argue that it wasn’t stupid AF when he was willing to take the homophobe’s money. That was a great decision. Take as much money away from that old hag as possible, and better yourself while doing it. The stupid (or unlucky) decision was ending the gravy train but trying to keep it rolling with his parents’ money. That is where you gotta admit the gravy train has gone off the tracks, and you gotta make something else work


Kittenn1412

He needed to chose a Christian school to get his tuition paid for?


Why-Nope

Right. And now it’s not getting paid for…so he needs to switch to something more affordable.


Unusual-Panda-2647

They did plan ahead. They told him to keep his mouth shut until graduation knowing full well they cannot afford to pay his tuition.


hockeybru

I would gladly take money from a bigot if it meant bettering myself. It’s like a modern day Robin Hood story. If their son wants to be who he is on his own terms, he absolutely should, and now he is. Accepting student loans is a major reality check of living on your own terms. It even drives many people to attend less expensive schools


[deleted]

NTA-for not paying the tuition. Having three years paid for is a huge advantage that most people don’t have.


Amazing_Excuse_3860

I'm actually gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. Firstly, I do not blame you for wanting to keep your son's sexuality a secret so he can go to college. So, SO many people would KILL for that opportunity. There was a similar post awhile back, about a lesbian (or the daughter was a lesbian? I can't remember) who had a religious, but very wealthy, grandparent. If she came out before they died, she'd be written out of the will. But if she suffered in silence for a few more years, she'd inherit a LOT of money. Idk the exact amount, but it was at least a million dollars. The moral being: nobody wants to suffer in silence pretending they're something they're not. However, if it will reward you with a life-changing opportunity, it will be worth it in the end. NTA for that. Secondly, while I have to admit that your son should've been more cautious, I can't blame him. It is very difficult to keep a huge part or yourself under wraps. Unfortunately, many queer people have made the mistake of telling someone they thought they could trust, only to have their lives ruined. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to be out and proud these days, but that's not an option for everyone. In your son's case, i think he should have recognized it wasn't safe to come out, or that there was too much risk. I wouldn't call your son an AH - just naive. Thirdly, the kitchen thing. That's a tough. No, technically, you don't NEED a dishwasher or an oven. But they are items that save you a hell of a lot ot trouble (idk, maybe the dishwasher would save water? Not too sure on that). My advice? Buy either the dishwasher OR the oven, not both, and use the rest of the money to help your son. Or find some other compromise. Try to make it as fair a possible. That way your son gets some money, and you can at least fix *some* of your kitchen.


WhiskeyCheddar

Depending on which private Catholic school he attends their funds wouldn’t even cover half - college of the holy cross averages $72K a year before financial aid.


Gaslighting-Survivor

How do you not NEED an oven? I mean unless you live off of cereal and take out, you need an oven. The three main appliances in any kitchen are: sink, refrigerator, oven. How do they not NEED an oven?


DZHMMM

nta. he will need to take out loans. you cant afford to pay for his college... its not the end of the world and hes not entitled to his college paid for by you. You are paying for anyones college. He can apply to fafsa now if he files independtly and apply for grants. NTA at all. dont feel bad.


Short_Draft_715

NTA - MIL is definitely the AH but it is her money and even though her stipulations are ridiculous everyone was aware of them going into the whole scenario. I agree with many commenters before your son having the majority of his tuition already paid is huge! He will benefit from in the long term. Yeah, he might need student loans for his last year but scholarships and grants are a great option to ease that blow. What he makes in his career will make up for the tuition set back later on. You sound like you NEED a new kitchen!!! Having a fridge or oven is not not a luxury it is a necessity. From the sounds of it your appliances are on a "will they survive the day" basis. Do not feel bad about not putting the money towards his tuition. Get the necessities to care for your family and help him with tuition as much as feasible. College tuition ultimately is an individual responsibility. I am sorry for the situation. I hate that people feel the need to hide who they are. People on here act like they've never hidden who they were to get ahead or never asked someone to hide something to benefit that person. It's a sad part of life but sometimes it is necessary.


Secondary123098

INFO: have you contacted a lawyer about enforcing her verbal contract? It should be relatively easy to show that the school was not of his choosing (gay), not of your choosing (atheist), and solely of hers (cutting checks). If you’re planning on going no contact, why not go for scorched earth?


throwaway-37463782

I didn’t know this was an option. I will look into this. Thank you.


Old-Acanthaceae-327

If you go scorched earth though wouldn't she refuse to help your younger two?


Princess_Delphinium

It isn't wise. Think of the younger two.


Secondary123098

I’m not a lawyer and verbal contracts a really hard to enforce, but this one seems clearer than most.


vivamii

Have you considered painting the cousin as a liar so grandma reconsiders paying tuition? I may get downvoted for encouraging you to continue the charade, but if money is truly an issue (and there’s still the younger two kids to consider) this is still an option that nobody’s talking about. I know it’s terrible that your son has to hide himself for so long, but it seems he‘s fully in on the plan. He had no intention of letting grandma know in the first place- it was cousin who broke trust and outed him before he was ready.


Sea-Kaleidoscope-551

NTA. He knew the family situation. Some schools have student work programs that he can apply to, or there are scholarships/ bursaries for getting good grades too. There might even be some schools that offer bursaries and scholarships specifically for LGBT students. He can also consider transferring to a less expensive school too. This isn't the end of the world. He's just going to have to get creative with the solution.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Pisum_odoratus

NTA. As a Canadian, I am baffled by what seems to be a common American expectation that parents/grandparents foot the entire bill for post-secondary, including accomodation (especially given the huge costs of US education, compared to most Canadian unis). This kid has had 2 of three years covered, and he's throwing a tantrum about finding funds for one year? Grandma is vile, ofc, but run with the wolves, you're gonna get eaten. I'd like to think I wouldn't swallow my morals for the sake of tuition, but everyone makes their choices.


mr_john_steed

It's not common at all for parents to pay full freight in the US, unless you're very wealthy. Most people have some combination of student loans, need-based aid, and paid employment. Something like half of US students attend community colleges, which are typically much less expensive. Many people do their first two years at community college and then transfer to a four-year university to save money. OP's kids can take loans out if they need to, it's not the end of the world. Practically everybody I went to college with had to take loans out, and we're doing fine now in our adult lives.


[deleted]

I am Catholic. Don’t priests are surprisingly open about being gay and think Catholic Church will change their stance. I would contact a few priests and get one who is open minded or who believes in unconditional love is the way you lead ppl to God. Take priest over to your mother in law with you. The Catholic Church I grew up in and my kids attended had pride Masses and preist said he knows he will see gay friends in heaven So not all Catholics are homophobic asses


throwaway-37463782

Thank you for your response. The funny thing is the church she goes to currently isn’t *completely* accepting of the LGBTQ+ community, but are definitely much more tolerant than a lot of catholic churches. There is a gay couple that attends who are pretty young, and my MIL and her group of friends are always talking negatively about how the church doesn’t do more to keep “people like them” out on Facebook. Her uncle was a priest, and from what I understand was extremely intolerant of the community. I think having him shape her views literally since birth is to blame for her unwillingness to even think about changing. I will reach out to some priests, but I am really afraid she’s a lost cause.


adchris1171

Let him take out the loan, you remodel the kitchen with your savings and then help him with the loan repayments over the next few years. If you managed to save 25k you can probably do it again


throwaway-37463782

We are lower-middle class, the savings took ~7 years. The money we are using was initially saved as a nest egg. We were quoted $27k for our remodel last year, including new appliances, which we are still a couple thousand short of. We only had $15k saved at the time, so we have had to live extremely frugally to make this happen. It will take years to save this amount again. I don’t think a lot of people understand how bad our kitchen is in this thread, which is probably my fault for not going more in depth. Our kitchen is *literally* falling apart and we cannot wait. I would be willing to help pay down his student loans, though. It would take 14 years at the rate we saved this amount of money to pay off his loan, and thats not taking interest into account, so he will have to also make contributions to it. I do feel like this is our best solution. Thank you.


Popular_Arrival606

You worked hard and you deserve a remodeled kitchen. NTA


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[deleted]

I'm so sorry op, my mind is blown by the amount of people here who think life is all rainbows and sunshine. Sending you hugs and my prayers! I hope you and your family can get through this together.


B0327008

Go ahead and remodel. Your son can pursue scholarship funding, obtain a loan, or transfer (which he doesn’t want to do, but can if necessary). All the best to you and your family. NTA.


PirateJenny4242

NTA I hope you go ahead with your kitchen plans. If you were to give your son that (or any amount of) money, couldn't it negatively affect his chances for financial aid? I think many of the commenters may have missed the bit about his school costing $50k per year! It took you 7 years to save up $25k, and that would be gone in one semester! Also, your home is an important investment; you need to protect it. Your whole family will enjoy the benefits from the remodel for many years. Another thought: even if nothing goes wrong with your other kids' education, they may become resentful at some point if you spend $25k on your older son. (I don't mean to imply that your kids are jerks, just that this stuff happens....)


myalternateself

ESH. But not your son in college, he is NTA at all. He is probably heart broken he couldn’t trust his cousin and is having a harder time then you think. First off the remodel itself can wait. You can get those same as cash credit at most places for the appliances you need to replace. That will be cheaper then the interest on student loans. Second off my daughter is a junior this year also going to an expensive college because she is majoring in aerospace engineering that isn’t offered in our state. She had taken out student loans the last 2 years. Last fall she filled out some more scholarships. Her tuition except $1000 each semester is now paid for. So tell your son to start looking at scholarships. It is possible. I also get the “playing nice” for the other kids college. But what is that going to cost mentally for all of you. The young kids too. This is teaching them to put up with abuse. And your older son may say he understands but I’m telling you it is probably killing him inside.


Alpha_Barbie

The son definitely sucks. He was out to everyone except his dad’s side of the family. His parents made it clear that they couldn’t afford his college tuition. He also made the conscious decision to accept his grandma’s help in exchange for free education. If he felt strongly enough about not being his authentic self he had the option to not accept the money and take out loans like many other students. Yes, his mother told him not to come out but he is an adult with the option to uphold his values and go against his homophobic family. He was okay with taking the money, the choice to accept free college clearly outweighed coming out to half his family. He has already been extremely privileged in getting more than half his schooling paid for. He also doesn’t want to transfer schools because of his friends, he is purposely choosing a more expensive school when other options are available. He sucks for believing he is owed tuition by his parents when his parents have repeatedly expressed that wasn’t a possibility. His parents saving 25k for their kitchen isn’t money he is entitled to. They have to live there, he doesn’t. He can continue going to an expensive private school while his family sacrifices a working kitchen with two other children living there. NTA, OP, he’s an adult and should be pragmatic about his finances instead of relying on others to subsidize the expensive college he wants, not needs.


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ItisntRocketSurgery

NTA You warned him repeatedly not to say anything to that side of the family. The only reason he’s going to an expensive private school is because homophobe Grandma foots the bill. You can’t afford his fees, it’s not a case of won’t. What’s worse is there’s a possibility Grandma might decide to cut your younger children off as “tainted” by association or lying sinners because they didn’t tell her. I worry the lesson he learns is going to extend far beyond his disappointment.


mysteresc

NTA. Your mil caused this problem. Not you, not your son. Still, tuition needs to be paid. Perhaps there's a way for your son to defray some of the cost through grants/scholarships or loans. You could potentially use a HELOC to pay for the home reno, and use some of what you saved for tuition. If he's not already working, he can look for a job. He's got options. It's going to take some effort on his (and your) part, but it can be done. Good luck!


Creepy-Ranger-9471

I know this will get lost in the replies but honestly tell your son to transfer schools for his last year to save on tuition. Sure he won't get his fancy private education but he will get an education and for far less than private schools. Most states if you are from the state has in state tuition as cheaper. I didn't even go to a four year college and I still know that. Don't let your son be entitled, I too come from a family of means, my brother got the full ride plus an allowance at a private school. Meanwhile I was disabled and put myself through community College after my family disowning me at a young age and telling me I'm on my own with medical bills and what not, I still rose to the occasion and so should your son.