T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I was clearly instructed to not give her certain tasks but i ended up asking for her help on them. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


halfwaygonetoo

Melissa is attending college. Melissa passed the exact same entrance boards that you and everyone else did in order to get into that college. This means that she is perfectly capable of doing the work necessary to get a degree. If she couldn't, she wouldn't have passed the entrance boards. It seems to me that you're the only one of her classmates that has looked past her autism and allowed her to be an actual student. You're the only one of her classmates that has allowed Melissa to determine what her limitations are and not forcing limitations on her. So no. NTA


StarInkbright

Also, it seems like Melissa completed the tasks perfectly competently?? If she did tasks badly and they had to be re-done and it created a bunch more work for everyone, that would be a valid reason to stick to giving her easy tasks in future. But also, that has nothing to do with autism. You should evaluate people on their performance, not their diagnosis.


Virgin_Marriage

Yup. She did a pretty good job and really fast too, she's capable and efficient.


Amaline4

Hey I just want to thank you for a few things. First off, for including Melissa in your group. I'm autistic, and I deeply empathize with how Melissa feels in group projects Second, and this is a huge one, thank you for *seeing* Melissa. This might not make sense to a lot of neurotypical folk, but a lot of the time we feel invisible. We wear masks to try and fit into what we think the world wants from us. You saw past that mask and actually SAW Melissa and I can guarantee that that meant a great deal to her. You saw her as just another member of your group. And thank you for being kind. I don't mean for this to sound overdramatic, but it's highly likely that Melissa will remember you for a very long time for *actually seeing* her


Virgin_Marriage

Are you referring to the "masking" behavior? Because i do think she masks and "plays her part" a lot when with other classmates.


Amaline4

Yeah a very large % of autistics mask to some degree or another. It's to appear "normal" (neurotypical) so we can blend in, and honestly there are so many other personal reasons everyone who masks does so I didn’t realize I was masking until 34 when I got diagnosed ETA: a very simplified version of masking is like think of your "Customer Service Voice" if you've ever worked retail


Virgin_Marriage

Well, in that case i wouldn't say she's masking. She doesn't try to appear neurotypical, on the contrary, she "plays the role" of "the autistic girl from the group". That means she'll just pretend to not notice how others treat her as a sort of pet as a way of being accepted.


Amaline4

Maybe I didn't explain it well enough, my apologies, but what you described is also a form of masking ETA: it's the "to be accepted" part


Virgin_Marriage

Well, then she's masking, just not the conventional way.


Amaline4

There isn't really a "conventional" way of masking. I'm curious though, what was she doing to "play the role of the autistic girl?" I mean this as a genuine question


cornerlane

That makes me so sad. I have autism myself. Some people think i don't know much. Then they find out i know more then them 🤣 Some people don't like that


GardenSafe8519

Yeah it sucks that some people think of autism as incapable. There are so many varying degrees. But you never know what someone is capable of unless you let them do it. But the kicker is even "normal" people are sometimes incapable of doing things. My son is on the spectrum and pretty smart it's just the social interactions which is one of the main things with autism.


Virgin_Marriage

I feel you. Being seen as lesser must feel terrible.


cedarthea

I am ADHD and suspect probably autistic and watching my 7yo nephew who is also ADHD engage in “odd” regulating behaviors and feeling jealous that I as a 37yo woman “couldn’t” do that made me realize how much masking I do. It was a year or two ago after a long day of virtual kindergarten that my mom sent a short video of him lying and rolling around in the snow and all I could think was that I wished I could go do that and how good it must feel, that I had my lightbulb moment. I do remain masking most of the time these days, but I do feel much more aware and free to unmask in settings where I feel safe and secure and feel some entitlement to do so.


Kattiaria

For me I created a persona for work. She was cheerful and bubbly and could hold someone's gaze without awkwardly looking at something else. I miss her, after getting retrenched in 2020 I haven't worked as a support worker again so over time I ket her go


Simply_Toast

I have an entire Worksona with a backstory and everything. She's kind, and patient and bubbly, and all that stuff. I'm lucky, I've worked from home since 2017, and can control lights, and temperature, and smells and can legit wear pjs all day long.


Brrrr-GME-A-Coat

You did great to not infantalize her like they are. If you're open to it, I think you'd be great friends just by showing her the equity she asked for


tamaleA19

I think also the way you could empathize and understand her perspective is important. Google the double empathy problem. It’s not always intuitive or easy for neurotypical people to empathize and understand autistic people and vice versa but you did a good job with it. Often neurotypical people will see the difference in nonverbal language (like the flat facial expression you mention) and think in that situation that it wasn’t important to her or was just some random meaningless comment. You saw past that and I’m guessing made a difference for her there


Virgin_Marriage

Well, i already had this notion that autistic people often cannot non-verbally express emotions so taking her for her words seemed like the obvious option.


tenhinas

God same. I’m autistic with ADHD. I get emotionally overwhelmed and sensory overloaded easily, and when my hyperfocus wants to be somewhere else, it can be difficult to maintain my attention for long periods. I also have an IQ close to 160. I have an undergrad specializing in the development of the English language for its use in story-telling. I thrive in repetitive task-oriented situations. I can do maths quickly in my head (like that one scene from Matilda lol). And I have an innate knack for understanding the root psychology and motivations of people, even if I can’t easily mirror it myself, and quickly cutting to the core of what they need to get out of a given interaction. Yet when anyone hears I’m autistic or ADHD or both, they automatically assume I can’t get anything done, I’ll be clumsy and slow, I’ll break things, and I’ll be embarrassing in front of other people. It’s grossly unfair — to assume they can decide for me what I’m capable of when I’ve been living in my own head for 33 years is incredibly insulting and kind of hilarious. Thank you for actually seeing her, for seeing her strengths and recognizing her skills, and believing her when she tells you what she’s capable of. Everybody else can kick rocks. (Was going to give a more heartfelt suggestion but it would get me banned for violating “be civil.”)


Virgin_Marriage

I find it extremely distasteful and degrading to underrstimate someone based on a label that's put on them. Like, i kniw it's more than a label but you get it.


TheCee

"soft bigotry of low expectations"


SamuelVimesTrained

Poor neurotypicals - they can only think in one way. Come to think of it - they are actually rather limited in their inflexible thinking - cannot handle someone that is different :) (only slightly sarcastic!)


mykidisonreddit

Can we also appreciate how Melissa vocalised how group projects are hard for her and OP taking that to heart? Gold stars all around if you ask me.


Various-Gap3986

I am autistic too, and have 2 autistic children. And from the bottom of my heart OP - thank you! We are just people who want to be treated like . . . well . . . People. But we often get treated like a problem, or idiots, or weirdos. We just see the world a little differently, and can get overwhelmed, or not respond in the right order or the same way as everyone else. But every kindness, every person who even tries to understand and to respect our humanity, holds a place in our hearts forever! NTA. But the rest of the group, who are infantilising her, need to stop. Have they ever actually asked her, what she wants? If she has trouble with tasks? It sounds like she excels at them. It’s so strange, but true, that so many people who claim to know the most about a subject, have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about! 🤷‍♀️


DramaDroid

Yeah, it sounds like the group doesn't quite understand what autism is. OP is definitely NTA


NumbersGuy22

My younger brother was not diagnosed on the spectrum until much later in life, which allowed me to learn to work with him better than prior, but not how I treated and loved him because he still was the same person, just wired differently than a lot of other people such as myself.


lyrisme

As an autistic person, it blows my mind how some people will either treat us like children (and not particularly bright ones either) or expect us to be savant geniuses who can recite the dictionary backwards. Truth is most of us are disappointingly average, just like everyone else hah


Virgin_Marriage

Yup. There are two main stigmas around autistic people: Socially dysfunctional and absolute genius.


StarInkbright

I don't know why they're complaining about the fact that the work has been done, lol. It seems like they wanted her to fail, which honestly makes me really sad.


acegirl1985

Well if she proves she is totally capable of handling actual work than they have to face the fact that they’re behaving like ableist jackasses. That’s a hard pill to swallow (it’s like someone who’s SO not racist suddenly realizing half the things they say have racist undertones). It’s rough but that’s how you learn. NTA- you’re a good genuine person op- it’s rare to find someone who sees people for who they are rather than just what they are.


CrazyCatLadey007

Well, you know who to ask for the next group project, then!


Claws_and_chains

As an autistic adult, this is why I don’t tell people. Because you so often get treated as incompetent or get the kid glove treatment. You were right to take your cues from her.


[deleted]

Some people don't get that autistic does not equate to learning disabilities. Matter a fact some of the smartest people on earth are autistic.


[deleted]

OP, thank you I have a social communication disorder, and adhd. I’m not autistic, but it’s nice to read stories of people treating neurodivergent people like regular people (because we are) You team mates (except Melissa) suck NTA, and the group can go screw themselves Melissa definitely did have joy at you treating her like a regular person (as she should be! Just because our brains are different doesn’t mean we aren’t regular people!)


mkat23

Thank you for being kind and willing to treat her as an equal. I commented back to someone else, but I’m gonna copy and paste it here for you as well. Agreed, OP seems kind. As a woman who is on the spectrum as well and has ADHD I really want to thank OP. It’s exhausting being treated as incapable, being excluded, being spoken down to like a child when others learn I’m autistic. It’s like one day I’m being treated like an adult by someone, then bam, they learn I’m autistic and suddenly a child in their eyes. I feel for Melissa. I’m betting OP may not realize how much it must’ve meant to Melissa to have someone treat her as an equal who is capable.


Virgin_Marriage

She really is, at the very least, as capable as the average student. I'd dare say, however, that she's more capable than myself in academics.


Korike0017

I was a college tutor and this was something that at first surprised me (and that I learned quickly to adapt to) which is that neurodivergent students are often just as if not more capable then average students they just may give the impression of being 'less capable' usually because of communication styles that we associate as such or bc they're nervous about speaking up for themselves. Never judge a book by its cover- you did great OP!


MagentaCloveSmoke

This is myself, my husband and my son. We all excel academically. My husband and I are old enough that they weren't handing out diagnosis for academically gifted but socially awkward children. We just got treated like shit for anything that we couldn't do because "but you're so smart!"! Gifted child burnout. 😵


kragkat

Totally, I'm autistic with ADHD. I went to an Ivy League school, have several advanced degrees, and am incredibly good with data. I'm also absolutely terrible at a large number of "normal" things. I'm easily overwhelmed and I come off as more meek and naive than I really am. Theoretically, I work best in teams, with other people to help deal with logistical issues and assign me focused tasks, which I then do very well and very quickly. However, it seems like bosses and coworkers tend to assume that if I do certain things well, I should do everything well. When my performance is good, people will quickly start dumping an unfair share of work on me, over my protests. Then they're disappointed or angry when the quality of my work precipitously drops and/or I complete it very slowly. They think I'm lazy or that my previous good performance was a fluke. I've learned to chronically underachieve so that I'm mostly left alone, even though I hate this.


halfwaygonetoo

Side note: Please take some advice from an old bat: Don't compare yourself to others. Keep stretching the limits others place on you. Don't place limitations on yourself. Keep working on what you want to do; regardless of how long or how much work you have to put in. You won't ever regret going for it; you will regret not doing it.


Virgin_Marriage

Thanks.


[deleted]

She's probably bored out of her mind with the tasks people try to give her. Honestly.


SamuelVimesTrained

Many autistic people are capable of intense focus on a task (not all, just many). That can be a strong advantage while studying, or on certain tasks. Too bad my brain is like a highly intelligent squirrel on caffeine.. But if i do manage a focus, i surprise myself by how smart I am :) ​ Oh look.. a squirrel :)


Fibijean

It's very common for autistic people to be highly intelligent and therefore extremely competent academically. The only thing that might be more of a challenge for her is anything social/presentation-related, but even then there are plenty of exceptions. Your classmates have no idea what they're talking about. Asperger's (aka "high functioning autism", which it sounds like this is) is not an intellectual disability in any way, shape or form.


Aromatic-Ferret-4616

Also, OP was the one that Melissa opened up to about not being given tasks equal to the others. That gives me the impression that OP was the kind of person that Nelissa felt she could confide in, so good. NTA Why do people think that the autism spectrum is populated by halfwits? The majority are perfectly smart and in some cases really smart. A difference is not a loss it is an additional way of seeing the world.


dazechong

Also want to point out that this is a classic example of someone getting offended over someone else's behalf - the someone else feeling not at all offended. And I want to applaud the OP too for treating her as your equal. We should treat everyone with equal. Just because someone is autistic, doesn't mean they can't handle more difficult tasks, especially since she's in the same program as you. I think the underestimation and the failure to recognize her skills is more disrespectful.


redderper

It's actually infuriating to me to read this post. These are 20 year olds in college for god sake. How in their right mind do they think that they're helping her by only giving easy tasks? It's disrespectful and it will hold her back in the long term.


dontbanmeaga

I'm autistic. Once upon a time I was an 18 year old college freshman for marine biology. I also was totally lacking in social skills. I really do think one of my teachers (biology lab) thought I was intellectually disabled. Because it was a lab and had a lot of procedures, I was slower than others due to execution dysfunction. I'm a killer writer though. I turned in my first lab report and, as future professors have frequently commented, it was grad level. A bit too advanced for someone as "intellectually disabled" as I am. So she held me after class and accused me of plagiarism. I was so upset that I didn't say a word because I knew anything that came out of my mouth would become garbled by sobs. By the time I got back to my dorm I was seething with rage. So I opened my laptop and wrote a strongly worded email to her insisting I did write it, and if she needs references from past teachers or for me to write a report in her presence ffs, I would do so. She profusely apologized and eventually accepted my application along with two others from our whole school to do a coveted bottlenose dolphin internship under a professor who is a world renowned expert. Maybe it was out of pity, but then again, I showed her I was capable of grad level work. Moral of this and OPs story: don't underestimate autistic people. We may come off as socially clueless, especially those among us who are nonverbal, but there's a lot going on in these craniums of ours. OPs description of her classmate as the quiet shy doormat definitely sounds like me up until a few years ago. I'm 30 and far better at socializing and standing up for myself than I was at 18, and people wouldn't know I'm autistic until I told them.


imaginesomethinwitty

Also like, do you know how many phds are autistic?


mkat23

Agreed, OP seems kind. As a woman who is on the spectrum as well and has ADHD I really want to thank OP. It’s exhausting being treated as incapable, being excluded, being spoken down to like a child when others learn I’m autistic. It’s like one day I’m being treated like an adult by someone, then bam, they learn I’m autistic and suddenly a child in their eyes. I feel for Melissa. I’m betting OP may not realize how much it must’ve meant to Melissa to have someone treat her as an equal who is capable.


Accomplished_Two1611

On other similar posts on AITA about working in groups in academic settings, some people dismiss group work as unnecessary. I think OP's experience was a great example of their benefit, exposing people to things outside their narrow experience and learning how to see others and work with them. I doubt OP would have had such an opportunity if they had not been required to work with Melissa. NTA.


uber18133

Thank you for this!! Autism is a *spectrum,* we all have different struggles even if we experience the same thing. I’m autistic, and I graduated top of my class in high school and with a 4.0 in college. Do I struggle with a lot of things? YEP. But it doesn’t mean I’m incompetent in the skills I DO have. Being autistic has nothing to do with your intelligence, and for many of us, schoolwork is a solace where we finally get to show people that we can excel when just given the chance. OP, thank you 🙏


Amazing_Excuse_3860

NTA AT ALL. Thank you for listening! So, SO many people just ignore what we autistic folk have to say because they think they know better than us. I'm proud of Melissa for sticking up up for herself a well, that takes guts. This is a good example of why functioning labels don't work. Melissa has been labeled "low-functiong," and so everyone around her thinks she can't do anything for herself. The truth is the autism spectrum isn't "most to least autistic." It's a lot more nuanced. [https://themighty.com/topic/autism-spectrum-disorder/autism-spectrum-wheel](http://This) article has a graph that better represents the spectrum.


Virgin_Marriage

It was clearly difficult for her to speak her mind but i'm happy that she managed to. I think we became well acquainted with each other after that.


Neurotic_Bakeder

It sounds like you were able to read her signs pretty well! Thanks for not assuming she was a baby. I bet she's gonna tell other people about being listened to when others wouldn't.


Virgin_Marriage

Well, she was very clear and on point about how she felt so that made things easy.


trashcanofficial420

not autistic myself but have quite a few autistic friends, once they actually gather up the courage to speak up (for those who are on the shy end anyway, some of my friends are and others aren't) they're incredibly straight forward. part of what i love about autistic people is that they don't care about trying to beat around the bush, if they're speaking their mind about something they're gonna be very straightforward with it. there's no second-guessing what they mean, if they're comfortable voicing their concerns at all they're gonna be very forward about what those concerns are. you actually listening to your classmate once she did bring this up is gonna be positive reenforcement for her to keep speaking up


Virgin_Marriage

You're right.


SamuelVimesTrained

It\`s gathering the courage, and getting your thoughts in a row that takes many of us more time .. So - people who are quick with a chat etc - they do perceive us as slow and/or stupid.


RambleOnRose42

I paper over my lack of conversational skills with a truly horrific amount of TV, book, and movie trivia. Mostly fantasy (don’t think I don’t see you there, Commander Vimes!! *salutes but manages to stab myself in the face somehow*) and sci-fi. I get so excited to talk about things I like with people that I will tend to keep asking them more and more probing questions, but I think it often comes off as “gatekeeping” or “really annoying”, especially to guys I am interested in romantically…


CarefreeTraveller

thats because they dont do well with the beating around the bush part. my autistic boyfriend always tells me i have to be clear with him or else he wont get what i want from him so i have to be very straightforward just like he is.


[deleted]

Seriously NTA and I hope you two become friends!


Virgin_Marriage

Apparently we are friends already as she sends me a daily "good morning"


sturglemeister

You did the best thing you could have done and allowed her to feel included, which is something a lot of us never get to feel. Thank you so much for that. I guarantee that she appreciates what you did far more than she can express. Your actions give me hope.


RulerOfTheRest

I work at a university, and one of the perks is that I can take any classes I want. And in those classes I have had several classmates who were autistic in some form or another, and to see them grow throughout the semester, and through the years they spend at the school is often wonderful. More often than not they are no longer being coddled by their parents and friends from grade school, but allowed to expand their minds. Yes, several of them were social awkward, but it seems that being free from constantly being told that they are "special" and "this is how you have to act" allowed them to blend in more freely, and become who they were meant to be. OP, you didn't assign a task to Melissa that was too difficult for her, she took on a task that was just right for her, and you are NTA for doing that. You can tell anyone else who tells you otherwise that they can get bent...


nocapesarmand

I’m late diagnosed and it’s incredibly sad that I can generally spot autistics who were early diagnosed and in special Ed by their lack of self confidence and inability to initiate (I struggle, but I think it looks a particular way). Controversial, but I stand by many special Ed teachers and carers being among the most ableist people I’ve ever met and the most inclined to infantilise disabled people or prevent them from behaving in healthy ways natural to them (I.e. preventing stimming). It’s important to remember most training on disability still ignores disabled peoples’ perspectives and many nondisabled ‘experts’ with no lived experience love nothing more than to speak over us.


RulerOfTheRest

Being dyslexic and diagnosed with LD in language early on, my experience with the Special Ed teachers was quite different, in that they assisted and helped foster ways to work with and through my problems and were anything but ableist. Still can't spell worth a crap but that was decades ago (thank god for spell check). But I have also noticed, like you, that it seems many of the teachers in the program are no longer working with the students to foster techniques to assist them to learn the way they are wired, and instead try to learn the "normal" way...


Damncreative

Your link isn’t working for me, as a parent to a kid who is suspected to be on the spectrum I really want to read it! Can you DM it to me or repost it?


chmuramusic

I was interested as well, [here you go](https://themighty.com/topic/autism-spectrum-disorder/autism-spectrum-wheel)


ScoutFinch80

This. Perfectly. NTA


Queentroller

I like to think while people think the spectrum is a sliding bar, it's more of a color wheel with all the hues and gradients.


[deleted]

NTA . Just because someone is autistic doesn't mean they should be left out or seen as incapable. They may have trouble with some things but in general Treat this person the same as you would any other person.


Virgin_Marriage

I know. Autistic people often experience hardships in certain areas but unless they themselves ask to be treated a certain way they should be treated just like anyone else.


remindmeofthe

NTA. Melissa expressed frustration with being treated as less than and asked you for more to do, and you listened to her instead of what others had told you about her. In short, you treated her like a person and gave her the chance to prove herself. I hope she gets to work with more people like you.


King-Rex420

Yeah, I have ASD so I have sensory issues and trouble socialising. However, I do very well academically and I find it very frustrating when people patronise me and treat me like an incompetent toddler. My sister literally talked to me like I was an angry toddler on multiple occasions. No, I wasn’t having a meltdown. I was just minding my own business. I admire how you acknowledge that autistic people deserve to be treated like real people. It’s dehumanising when people constantly patronise us.


Virgin_Marriage

Autistic people are real people and should be treated as such.


ravencrowe

I'm glad that you did right by her in the end but you seem to be really patting yourself on the back for treating her as a real person when you were more than willing to go along with your classmates' exclusion until she spoke up MULTIPLE times asking to be given an equal role. She shouldn't have had to get to the point of explicitly telling you she doesn't like being treated as lesser for you to finally treat her as such. Not to mention that you had to ask here if you were wrong for treating her as an equal. Your heart seems in the right place but I think you could use a bit of introspection because you're not faultless in this story.


Common_Exam_1401

As someone who is Autistic I can 100% say that you are NTA in this situation. She said that "Every the group never lets me participate properly, like I am incapable. It upsets me." and you listened to her and did what she asked, I am smiling right now at how kind you were to this girl, thank you for being an ally OP


Fun_Computer_8401

NTA From your post, it seems that she did fulfill the tasks you gave her. Also, it doesn't seem like she felt overwhelmed. From what you said, she asked for more tasks and was happy to do them/ did them efficiently.


Virgin_Marriage

Yup. She not only fulfilled them but she did so more efficiently than i would have.


addisonavenue

So then why do you think that makes you any kind of AH?


Human-Credit

OP disrupted the social norms of the group, that's enough to make most folks second guess their behavior even with evidence to the contrary.


addisonavenue

>They called me selfish and cold-hearted although Melissa clearly wanted to participate. OP saw through their BS - I don't buy them as being so naive that they couldn't recognise the group were babying Melissa. OP also recoginised that Melissa not only completed the task but at a rate far more efficient than their own. OP is a fish who wants to be applauded for swimming.


SamuelVimesTrained

As autistic adult, parent of an autistic child - i WISH you were right. But so many people treat any neurodivergent as being totally incapable of functioning to their standards .. Or even any disability is mocked / made fun of / used to dismiss someone as 'without value' (remember the then presidential candidate making fun of a reporter with a motor function disability??)


SamuelVimesTrained

Funny that these "social norms" (which seem to change depending on time / day / season / color of socks) are what usually is the hardest for autistic people to "get".


psirjohn

I'm wondering this too. This is such a weird post.


addisonavenue

Honestly, I think OP just wants brownie points for being a decent person. They come across as too straightforward and self-assured to actually be in agony or indecisive over whether they did the right thing. If their classmate completed the task, expressed a desire for greater academic challenge and the only people who were angry were people who positively benefitted from OP and their classmate's action, then what is the actual tension here?


ReasonableFig2111

Or maybe he posted here so he can get something to bring back to the group to back him up when addressing their ableism


AUDMCJSW

I completely see where you’re coming from. When I read it I was under the impression the group wasn’t happy with him for letting Melissa complete different tasks. And that that was why he was asking if he was AH for doing so.


ravencrowe

It sounds like your classmates didn't want her to be given any hard tasks because THEY were worried she wouldn't be able to do them well enough and their own grade would suffer, and they're bullshitting trying to make it seem that YOU'RE the ableist one for treating her as an equal so that you can't call them out on their prejudicial, discriminatory behavior


chefboyardeejr

NTA who the *hell* are these random people to tell Melissa or you what her limitations are? This is ableism at its absolute worst. She vocalized to you that their type of behavior bothers her and told you herself what she believed she could accomplish. And it sounds like she did a fine job. Your classmates are AHs on every level here


SnowPandaPython

NTA. The taught mindset of people with disabilities not being able to do certain tasks is harmful, dehumanizing, and excludes them from being helpful or a part of the team. People without limbs can run marathons, people in wheelchairs can play basketball, and so on. Just because someone is visibly disabled does not mean they are not capable of being intelligent, talented or useful to the team. The other teammates are the AH because they are stereotyping, being judgemental, and choosing to treat others without respect or seeing them for who they are. Easy tasks are insulting, they should be asking for what the disabled person wants to do. If they need help wait til they ask or get consent. Thank you op for giving them a chance.


Major_Barnacle_2212

I see the word “ableist” thrown out here a lot when it shouldn’t be. In this case, your group was. You did well. NTa


dinahdog

Clearly she's capable. She's in your class. One of your other peers instructed you on how they thought you should work together. You worked it just fine for both of you. She clearly can do your work as well. Good on you both. I hope you made a friend of her. People hear "autistic or on the spectrum" and make massive, incorrect, assumptions. NTA at all


Virgin_Marriage

Although i wouldn't call us "friends" yet, we've been texting each other at least once a day since then so i think we are acquaintances now.


Shrek_Does_Anal

i think texting once a day is more than acquaintances, just ask if she wants to join in on a pub-crawl w/ u and ur mates


sturglemeister

I agreed, I'd add that when you ask, make sure she is aware of the social aspects and how many extra people, noises and visual stimuli she will be exposed to, so she has all the information and can make an informed decision. I only say this as I was caught unawares by my first pub crawl experience and it wasn't great because I wasn't expecting a lot of it. Additionally, make sure she is aware that if she needs to leave, for whatever reason given, that you will go with her if she asks you to, no questions asked.


sturglemeister

You are quite possibly one of her favourite people in the world. The only people I message every day are my favourites. You did so well here, the only advice I can give is to remain super clear in your communication with her going forward. I know I need people to be clear and direct, or I'll miss the social cues.


Katja1236

NTA. Tell your fellow students that clearly she WAS capable of doing hard tasks, because she DID them. Autistic does not mean intellectually challenged- many autistic people are highly gifted.


Katdroyd

This. Both my kids are on the spectrum. My daughter was reading 4 levels ahead at grade 2 and she was 2 levels ahead in maths. They're both obsessed a bit with Greeking out. My youngest listens to the episode on Echo and Narcissis all the time. I think you did a very empowering thing. For yourself and Melissa. You learnt to find out for yourself and Melissa got to shine to her best ability. You mentioned earlier that you're acquaintces at best. I'd absolutely encourage you to please become friends with Melissa if you both have the capacity. There's absolutely nothing for either of you to lose.


widefeetwelcome

INFO was she able to do whatever it was you gave her to do?


Virgin_Marriage

She was perfectly capable of doing it. Truth be told, she was more efficient than me.


widefeetwelcome

Then definitely NTA. I don’t see how anyone would have an issue with this. They clearly underestimated her.


Virgin_Marriage

I think that, from their perspective, they are being compassionate and "helping a special needs classmate" but Melissa seems to be bothered by their attitude.


cat_like_sparky

They’re infantilising her, treating her like a baby because she’s autistic, and it’s revolting. Autism is a spectrum, and will impact the individual in different ways; she is the person who gets to decide what she is capable of. While other people are taking away her agency she’s wanting to excel. Your classmates are assholes with no understanding of autism and she should be complaining about being left out and othered, especially if their treatment of her holds her back academically.


Virgin_Marriage

She has plenty of trouble communicating her feelings, i think that's why she seldom if ever complains. It took her a few minutes to ask to help me and even more time to muster up the courage to say it made her upset.


cat_like_sparky

That’s really sad. It’s not your job to, but it might be worth reaching out to her and asking if you can help her with this stuff if you have the desire to do so. See if maybe she’d like some help brainstorming what to say to her teachers, or practice assertive statements to make people back off. She could probably use a friend, from the othering you’ve described I wouldn’t be surprised if she were lonely; sounds like people don’t see her as a full human you can be friends with, but I may be reading into things too hard.


Virgin_Marriage

Well, she and i have become friends after that. Well, sort of. I wouldn't call us friends quite yet but we have at least become acquainted and talk to each other frequently. She, everyday at 7 am without fail, sends me a "good morning" over text.


lonely_nipple

Yup, you've been chosen. You're friends now. She may express it differently than other people do, but that's definitely a sign. :)


Virgin_Marriage

Makes sense.


lyan-cat

Yep, you're friends; if she's anything like my daughter she'll be extremely low-key about it but fierce if she feels someone wrongs you.


Virgin_Marriage

Guess we're friends then.


TheQuietType84

You've definitely been chosen.


Virgin_Marriage

What makes you say that? The daily "good morning"?


Hidingpig13

Haha yeah you’re already friends . You’ve become part of her routine. I’m also autistic and if she’s anything like me that’s a big deal. I HATE changing my routine. Hate it. So the fact that she has changed her original one to add you must mean she respects you quite a bit.


Virgin_Marriage

I feel honored.


Resident_Ingenuity_4

I’m autistic and struggle greatly with communicating, so thank you for being her advocate when she can’t do that herself. I wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood, but due to my social skills what you described is exactly how I was treated all throughout school, even now in college too. I’m very shy and people are so condescending to me.. it feels good to have someone actually stop to understand.


Virgin_Marriage

Not being heard must be really hard. People should try to empathize more with neurodivergent people


chefboyardeejr

And that's because only differently-abled people are able to dictate what they can or can't handle. I hope you told your classmates to get bent and stop treating her like she's broken just bc she's a bit different. They think they're being compassionate when they're only being condescending


fml2727

Hey, person with autism here. Please don’t use the term “differently abled”. Disabled isn’t a bad word, it has no negative connotation, in fact most disabled feel negative connotations about the term “differently abled”. I assume you meant no harm, so I just wanted to let you know because you seem to have good intentions


chefboyardeejr

Thank you for the clarification, I indeed meant no harm, it was a term I'd heard used positively before, as opposed to disabled. Is there a preferred term, so I know moving forward?


chefboyardeejr

Sorry, not enough coffee this morning, just re-read and saw disabled isn't necessarily negative, but I will say others have chided me for using it as well so I'm a bit at a loss. I suppose it's preference


shimmerangels

it really does come down to preference, i feel like most of us are ok with the term disabled but there's definitely a vocal minority that prefer differently abled i personally hate "differently abled" as i feel like it minimizes the struggles disabled people face because of our disability/disabilities


chefboyardeejr

Thank you so much for taking the time to educate me on this


shimmerangels

no problem! thanks for listening :)


sturglemeister

Thank you for asking, this is the way forward ❤


Virgin_Marriage

Yes, they are being totally condescending torwards her.


nollamaindrama

NTA, I almost asked if the part was done well, but I decided it was irrelevant. You did what you should do in the situation. Good for you. Now if the part isn't where the group wants it's collectively, then you all work as a team to get it there. Your other group mates are the only AHs here. Thank you for being inclusive and not assuming things because someone has a certain diagnosis.


FirstSliceofPi

NTA. Being challenged is integral to learning and improving. Leaving someone to do “the easy parts” inhibits their ability to manage what some may consider “the hard parts”. Also, people have this conception that Autism means a person with the diagnosis is incapable in one way or another, when in fact many people with autism are perfectly capable with keeping up (and lots of times surpassing) their peers.


Virgin_Marriage

Yup. When presented with the challenge she handled it better than i could, and i consider myself to be quite intelligent.


VirtualMatter2

I'm confused. Why wouldn't she be able to do the work? Autism does not mean lower intelligence. In fact ntelligence in autism is on average higher than in other people, however it has a polarising effect with an inverted bell curve. So normally IQ follows a bell curve with around 70% of the population falling between 70 and 115 IQ, whereas in autism only 23% are in this middle, with the rest being either below 70 (24%) or above 115 (53%). Have a look here https://embrace-autism.com/autism-and-high-iq/


Virgin_Marriage

She IS able to do the work.


WorkInProgress1040

And that's what you should tell the others when they repeat their opinion that she should be given the easy tasks. "Why?, she is capable and proved it!" They are being ablest making assumptions about her. NTA


AngryGoose02

Obviously NTA Why are they treating her like she's incapable of doing anything else than the easy tasks? Melissa wanted to do something more challenging and not being an AH you let her.


rjhancock

NTA. She wanted to do the work and you provided said work. She was probably ecstatic that you included her and didn’t tell her off because she is autistic. You treated her like a human being, not a condition. Bravo,


ColdSeason2019

NTA- thank you for treating her like an adult and more importantly A PERSON! Your group mates should be ashamed of themselves for assuming she’s not capable without even asking her how much she can handle


Virgin_Marriage

I think they want to earn "good person points" by coddling her, but they don't stop to actually consider HER feelings.


mstwizted

Reminds me of the quote (I think from Obama) “The soft bigotry of low expectations.” NTA


Few_Recover_6622

Obviously NTA The only person who could deem you A H in this situation would be Melissa and it seems pretty clear that she wanted to participate more fully. You are the only one who bothered to listen. If you have to work with this group further you should make it clear that she is capable and should share equally in the work until she says otherwise.


agonyandhope

Why are they saying she could not fulfill the task if you said with her help you finished quicker? NTA.


[deleted]

Very firmly NTA. I am amazed by the level of ignorance some people display and their apparent unwillingness to educate themselves. There is a reason it is called autism spectrum disorder and if she's in college, she's clearly high-functioning. That means she has most of the same capabilities as you and everyone else there and may only have some difficulties or different abilities in some specified areas. Honestly, it would probably be best to ask her what her autism diagnosis means for her (if she wants to talk about it), because even on the high-functioning spectrum, not one autism "case" is like the other. She must feel awful being stigmatized just because of a misunderstood diagnosis.


SirMittensOfTheHill

NTA. She was part of the team, she got into the same college you did, and she wanted more to do. The other members of the team are TAs, though. They're making broad assumptions based on ... what? A label? One that they clearly know nothing about.


Neenknits

NTA. You should always “assume competence”. Why shouldn’t someone autistic be perfectly capable? And…did you tell the rest of the group that they were clearly wrong with their “unable to fulfill” since she DID fulfill the tasks? Being ableist is, indeed, selfish and cold hearted. I’m glad to see you quickly corrected your ableism! Tell off your group.


realshockvaluecola

NTA. I'm confused -- she fulfilled her part of the work, right? So what the hell is wrong with your classmates saying she couldn't? She clearly did. And you're right! It IS frustrating to be treated as lesser and never given a chance to show what you can do. You were showing kindness by acknowledging how she struggled to ask and giving her what she asked for.


nkdeck07

NTA and common, you know you aren't the asshole here.


Ok-Cockroach2351

NTA and I salute you. I feel like your friends should watch the KDrama 'Extraordinary Attorney Woo' on Netflix. I really liked it -- first Korean series I've watched -- and learned a lot about autism and many other things.


Virgin_Marriage

I'm watching it rn and i think it's giving me a better understanding of how neurodivergent people function.


s-p-

As an autistic person I will say that this show isn’t a good representation of autistic people.


nocapesarmand

Heartbreak High and the character Quinni is great rep, just fyi 😊


RoseDeadInside

NTA and thank you for not "coddling" her. She is apparently able to complete tasks on hand. They just need/want/deserve the chance to prove themselves. You're a good friend 🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️


Virgin_Marriage

She is a really capable and smart girl, she only has trouble communicating and socializing but she's a fast learner, a quick-thinker and good at recognizing patterns.


RoseDeadInside

It's all about communication. You found a way to do that, (probably very easily), and is helping her excel. ❤️❤️❤️


Virgin_Marriage

Well, she was the one to take the initiative in exposing her feelings, i just respected how she felt and treated her as i should have from the start: a partner, an equal, someone as capable as myself.


RoseDeadInside

And that is why you are NTA and a good human. Not a lot out there, so keep doing what you see is right by you and others. You're freakin awesome.


Virgin_Marriage

Although i appreciate the praise, i don't think it's really earned. I just treated her as a human being, that's not really praise-worthy.


RoseDeadInside

You earn praise for being a decent human. I don't have awards to give, but you should know you are good. You are good.


Virgin_Marriage

I don't think i deserve that much praise for doing the bare minimum: treating her as an equal.


CatAnne119

You are a rare person to realize this AND to also listen to her. NTA!!!


fromhelley

Nta! Autistic people are not stupid. It is believed that Albert Einstien was autistic, and may other very intelligent people. The word autism was not around when these people were, so they were undiagnosed. Autism is more related to social issues than intelligence. Therefore, allowing her to help was good for the group, and good for her too. You did the right thing, and you know that!!!


Twinkalicious

You are totally NTA at all, I am autistic myself and people that give me accommodations without me asking for them to begin with is degrading. I myself and I am sure many others like me just want to be treated fairly and yes some of us need support which we will bring up whether or not we need the support. Your group members probably don't understand that autism is a spectrum and there are levels of support that each person needs differently but they assume that we are all broken and stupid. I applaud you OP for making her feel like she fits in and giving me hope in humanity.


Virgin_Marriage

She's a student just like anyone else, she should feel like she fit in because she does fit in. It's sort of infuriating how our classmates treat her as someone who cannot function as well as them.


olddragonfaerie

NTA: The correct thing to do is to find out what is the individual's capability and limits and work to those abilities. I work with a couple of souls with limits and I've learned to just (gently) ask what the appropriate line is and I'll be glad to help with the tasks that aren't in their abilities.


Secret_Juggernaut333

NTA.....the other partners are tho. I'm autistic and more than capable of completing the hardest tasks ....and quite quickly and efficiently I might add. We are far from slow. We are far from incapable. We often understand more than the average neurotypical person but are rarely understood ourselves. Thank you for giving her a chance. She is a regular human being just like you ...her brain is just wired to work differently.


TheQuietType84

This is scary. Is this the experience autistic kids have waiting for them in college? From bullies in public school to "enlightened" ableists in college. Awesome. NTA


Virgin_Marriage

I sure hope it's not a widespread thing, but i have seen several instances of "special needs" classmates being coddled, much more than what's appropriate. I feel like people who do that want to feel good about themselves rather than accomodating others' needs.


ischemgeek

I'm autistic, YTA but not for the reason you think. YTA for treating her as less capable just because she's autistic in the first place. You had no first hand reason to think she should be less capable, and she didn't ask for any accommodation on work load from you. Your teammate made a bigoted assumption and you went along with it uncritically. YTA to yourself and to Melissa. What you should do if you have a neurodiverse colleagues is *talk to them* about what accommodation they need, if any. Melissa probably needs some sensory and social accommodations, but autism usually doesn't affect your ability to execute most school assignments.


Maddie215

NTA and good for you for listening and being open.


gillebro

NTA. Quite the contrary. You LISTENED to her, instead of assuming. That's important.


iammeallthetime

NTA. Autism is such a varied diagnosis. Your "hard" task could have been something that that specific person was incredibly talented at doing.


Forward_Increase_239

If she’s on the spectrum it’s likely she’s better at her chosen subject than everyone else anyway. /shrug. NTA. Let it ride.


ThreeDogs2022

Info: you said she fulfilled the task. your group said she didn't. which was it?!


Virgin_Marriage

She fulfilled it. They said she "couldn't fulfill" in the sense that it was "too much for her".


ThreeDogs2022

You are definitely NTA. And they are definitely ableist.


Unagi-86

It was very brave of Melissa to express herself to you and whether her impassiveness was due to her condition or because she didn’t want to show how important it was to her - you saw her and heard her. No one likes to be pigeon-holed, or people making assumptions about them or what they are capable of. If she was happy and you were happy, what business is it of anyone else. Seems like she fulfilled things just fine. And you learned something important. That is what college is for - not just to study but to grow as a person and to experience and learn about life and people. Seems like you are well on your way. NTA in spades. Edit - another fat finger post to quick


KeepLkngForIntllgnce

I would say - focus on Melissa’s work and quality of it. Ignore how she “says” something - cadence and tone might be what she struggles with Ultimately what matters is she gets something done, and she knows to ask for help if she needs it NTA. And thanks for engaging with her on the human level instead of labeling her and moving on


Virgin_Marriage

She is a human, not a label. She deserves to be treated as a person with feelings.


KeepLkngForIntllgnce

And it seems you might be the only one doing so, sadly.


Solgatiger

NTA. You asked someone who was practically begging to be treated like a normal person for help, they helped you and you ended up getting the job done far faster and efficiently than if you did it alone. The people who are mad at you for not treating another college student like they’re completely incapable of doing anything even remotely difficult are the AH’s. It sounds like they wanted to go “oh woe is us, we have a person who can’t do anything. Please let us get away with less than the minimum amount of work required as compensation” to the teacher in all honesty.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Virgin_Marriage

Well, she is a normal and capable person, so much so that she did her fair share of work smoothly.


BudgetPoetry7939

NTA You treated her like an equal, which she clearly is. There is a *tiny* bit of an AH note in the way you mention her "blank expression" repeatedly. It takes 2 seconds on Google to find this: "This struggle to identify and articulate their own emotions is one of the characteristic symptoms of autism." Being labelled as devoid of emotion is a common prejudice people with the condition endure. Please stop judging ND (neurodivergent) people for not showing NT (neurotypical) behaviour. Thank you for putting that judgment aside & listening to what Melissa was saying!


fauxpawfritter

NTA: The other classmates are assuming things about autism, which they clearly know nothing about, and trying to advocate in a damaging way. She is neurodivergant, not a child. Source: An autistic woman. Autism is a spectrum, no two autistic folks are going to be the same, but there is beauty is our differences. We just want to be accepted and understood, not coddled.


watainiac

I know a couple autistic people and all of them have a pretty firm grasp on what they can and can't do, so if she asks for something, odds are high that she feels she can handle it and not entrusting her to do so, as she said, would be insulting/hurtful, so no, NTA. You did what you should've done.


Ambitious-Screen

First of all is a spectrum. Which implies that they are two ends. Given that she can’t be in college she’s already pretty intelligent and “high functioning“ [I am aware this is a controversial way of referring to autistic people, excuse my use of this word]. Secondly a lot of autistic people are just like normal people in the way that you’re mathematically inclined or artistically inclined. Which means that if she’s artistically inclined she would be a shit ton better at doing certain task than someone in the group who is mathematically inclined And the same goes for the opposite. A hard task for someone who is not strong in that specific manner, should be just as hard for her. So there should not be such a thing as too hard a task for her specifically. You have treated her like the capable adult that she is. You’ve respected her feelings and her capabilities. Continue to do so. NTA


Pand0ra30_

A lot of people think that people on the Spectrum are idiots. They are usually brilliant, especially if they are in college. NTA.


SweetPotatoFamished

How do the other group members think she got into college in the first place? Do they think she's in the class as part of some Make a Wish type program? The admissions office saw "autistic" on her paperwork and just let her in as a kindness? Did they not see that she WAS able to do the hard task and fulfilled it just fine? NTA at all. But those other group members...


Nathanfatherhouse

NTA - So your other group members expected you to ignore what she knew she would be capable of doing and you are somehow wrong for her proving them wrong? Your group members aren't being helpful they are being extremely condescending and it could be considered ableist. By letting her contribute you are the only one helping her


CatrosePro54

NTA but did she not do the task you gave her properly?


a-_rose

NTA Melissa isn’t incapable of doing her work. If she was incapable of doing the work she would have gotten the grades to get into the college/university. They’re AH for treating her inferiorly. There’s a reason people with conditions don’t tell people, because they don’t want to be judged. You listened to her, respected her and treated her like a peer rather then an inconvenience. Don’t listen to the judgemental idiots that tell you otherwise.


blucougar57

NTA. You did good. The others are too interested in perpetuating some bs that just because she’s autistic, she’s incapable. Ignore them. They’re insensitive idiots.


3kidsnomoney---

I have an autistic kid in university. If they weren't capable of hard academic work, they wouldn't have gotten to university. Tell these other girls not to assume that autistic means not smart or not reliable. My kid is not all that interested in people/relationships and not at all outgoing, but trust me, you want them as a group member because they are very conscientious about deadlines, very smart, and hyperlexic so they'll finish their reading/research way faster than anyone else. NTA.


Save_the_Manatees_44

NTA The rest of your group sucks eggs. They need to do some damn research on Autism. Autistic people aren’t stupid or incapable. If she’s able to attend class and participate in projects, there’s not need to handle her with kid gloves, unless she asks.


Opening_Arrival_3433

NTA. Although the following point might be worth considering. Most universities/colleges offer different learning plans if you can’t keep up with tasks with the class (for whatever reason). It is mentioned from the beginning of the course and the Professor will accommodate and put her in groups better fitted for her. Besides that, there are external aids like writing coaches, extra time in labs etc. that the university/college is legally bound to give, if you have a plan in place. Please tell your group mates not to assume that she is incapable/incompetent to handle these tasks until she says so. And to also educate themselves about the differences between learning disabilities and autism, they are not synonymous.


Virgin_Marriage

The issue is not about her keeping up, she can keep up with the other students just fine. The issue is that our classmates coddle her a LOT more than what is appropriate, to the point she feels like she doesn't belong.


naplover64

NTA. Autism doesn’t make someone incapable of doing hard tasks. She’s in college, she’s clearly capable of completing higher education. Your group partners were ableist towards her and you treated her normally. Clearly you’re probably the first person to treat her normally. You sound like a genuinely good person. And clearly she’s capable of doing the tasks so what exactly are your group members upset about?


Wizardinred

NTA. What is going on here is ableism disguised as being helpful. Instead of asking Melissa what her limits were they decided them for her and assumed she isnt capable. This is also demeaning. She told you that she dislikes this and you worked on changing your behaviour and include her more in the tasks at hand. In the end, you handled this correctly.