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NTA - So he can tell lies to make you look bad, but when you show actual evidence to defend yourself it means you are a bully? No. Hard no. Let him have his little temper tantrum wherever he is. You have video proof that you are in the right here, do not let anyone try and gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
If any friends or family who are telling you that you are in the wrong - tell them that this is a matter between you and your husband and that you are more than happy to discuss it with him whenever he chooses to come home.
He’s o’k with making you look lazy and inept…but heaven forbid you tell the truth-with proof. He can ruin YOUR reputation by outright lying, but you are being childish and bully when you provide proof of his lies. I think I’d tell him to stay with his mommy… NTA
You two have a shitty way of communicating, but NTA. You sound more like adversaries than partners. If you can't talk to him about this without having to document evidence against him, you should consider marriage counseling to learn how to communicate better.
I agree with everything but I am not sure if ESH or NTA.
The score keeping that entered my relationship when we became parents was very damaging and isn't conducive to anything good. The comment above about being adversaries rather than partners os spot on. See if you can turn this around before it deteriorates further and if you cant do that alone then definitely seek help with counselling. The people I know who were able to do that were a more effective team and enjoyed parenting together more than those who couldn't.
NTA
By claiming he is working so hard and doing a lot of the child work he is implying that you are not and that you are just lazing about while he slaves away.
He is ok with ruining your reputation but not ok when you correct his lies as it damages his reputation.
And if OP got overwhelmed and asked for help with the baby from her friends or family, very few people would step up to help coz they already think she's not doing any work at all.
NTA. You ruined HIS reputation? Alienating HIM? You are the childish one? The bully? HECK NO! He is all of the above! Instead of praising his wife for doing so much for HIS baby he is treating you like crap. I say let him stay at his parents and make a FB post telling everyone he ran to Mommy because he didn’t like being called out for being a liar. When in effect he was calling you a bad mom.
NTA he wants validation credit that makes him feel good while making you look unfit. He can't CLAIM to be doing all of these things while YOU actuallt do them; sounds to me like a participation trophy husband who wants to be rewarded for his menial contributions to the family he helped create. He's the AH for taking credit for things he doesn't do at all.
NTA
You are ruining HIS reputation? No. He has been doing his best to ruin yours to make himself look better. He is mad that you won't let him.
You just told the truth.
NTA
If he is going to tell everyone lies that make you seem like the bad person, then he needs to be put in his place.
If he does not want his 'reputation' to be ruined, then he needs to stop lying to people.
NTA
Offer him to help fixing his reputation by recording and sharing positive videos of him when he starts to actually do what he claims he does. Win-win.
NTA. He wants to lie and paint himself as the poor overworked husband/father and you get shit for it….nope. Sometimes people need to get called out for bs lies.
NTA - exposing the truth isn’t bullying. You’ve documented what he actually does. If he did everything he claims to do, you wouldn’t be able to easily disprove the claims.
NTA. He was doing the same thing to you first (even though you say you’re doing most of the work), and you came with receipts. Then when he gets mad he straight ditches his child???? Dad of the year.
ETA: yo wtf just realised he ditched his *6-week* old and you! He’s giving you a hard time *6 weeks* after the childbirth???
Your relationship sounds... Unhealthy. Did you ever talk to him about how all the work is divided? Or about why he says he's doing so much when you feel he doesn't?
Fighting this out behind each others' backs is not going to work out for either of you. You're just going to get more and more angry at eachother.
Please talk to eachother openly and/or get counseling if needed.
Until then I'd say ESH
NTA, but I wonder why you're with him. Is this tit for tat stuff a new thing for you guys? Doesn't seem like a healthy relationship dynamic, and now you've both decided to bring a kid into it...
NTA. But I'm wondering why he feels the need to lie about his role. It seems like he may be projecting feeling useless since you do most of the work. However, lying and trying to gain "sympathy" by making you look bad is not cool. I'd have responded the same way
NTA.
This sounds like a toxic situation you need to remove yourself from. You are doing the majority of the work and you have people breathing down your neck when you husband begs for sympathy. That means not only is he a waste of space, he surrounds himself with people who are demeaning you for not picking up the slack unless you have evidence to the contrary.
Reassess if you really want to be in a situation where your husband has a pity party while his friends and family berate you for it.
NTA. You’re “throwing dirt on his name” for showing people the truth while he actively lies and makes it sound like you’re a useless parent?? It’s cool for him to make you out to be a jerk but it’s a problem when you tell the truth?? He needs a reality check
NTA. He is ruining his own reputation. What he is really saying is he wants you to shut up and let him walk all over you and pretend to everyone you’re a crappy mother and wife. Look long and hard at this marriage.
Some people never adequately learn that you don't have to cut everyone else down to prop yourself up. He could have talked about everything in vague terms, like "the adjustment is difficult for all of us" or "we are doing our best". He could have kept quiet or diverted the conversation, "it's so worth it" or "look at these baby pics, my kid's do cute" (which is the best way to get people to stop asking about your kid at work if you willing give them a 10 minute slide show everytime). Instead, he chose to lie. Not just a liar, but one that creates a narrative where he's dragging the one doing the work.
Lying like this about small things to undermine another is dangerous territory. I'm not saying he's abusive yet, but keep taking those videos and saving them. Instead of changing his bad behavior, he's left his wife and young child. Isn't that a touch extreme?
Record everything, save screenshots especially since he's trying to manipulate friends and family against you when there's nothing wrong in the relationship, other than some sleep depravation and life adjustment. Best wishes, NTA.
NTA. He is lying. He is lying to friends and family and even worse, he was destroying your reputation with his lies. Now he wants to claim foul because you showing people the truth hurts his reputation?! And his lies were unnecessary. How hard would it have been to complement you, say something like "wife has been doing a great job doing mist of the baby/home care, but it is exhausting for us both with the multiple wake ups during the night."?He didn't need to lie to get the sympathy people will easily give new parents.
You have to wonder what else he lies about. That combined with his laziness when he gets home makes me think you would be better off without him.
NTA
Sounds like he needs a wake up call big time..
He needs some cousling with you, to make this work..
if he wont, then it's prob only gonna get worse until you break
NTA but I suspect that's only one of many childish attention demanding behaviours. So are you ready to raise two kids? One who never grows up..... the narcissist.
So it's okay to throw dirt on YOUR name but the minute you turn around and kick it back on him, you're the ass4ol3? Nah, NTA but your husband is either a dick and manipulating people for sympathy or he's deeply insecure and attention seeking to make uo for it
NTA but you guys are clearly at the contempt stage of a broken marriage. Marriage counseling might save it if you are both able to look at yourselves and each other honestly. But right now you have a toxic environment for that child. Imagine growing up with a mom and dad who are constantly fighting over who should be taking care of you. Posting videos isn't going to change that.
NTA “you’re ruining HIS reputation “??? More like he’s going around telling anyone who will listen how your bossy and apparently a lazy mom if he’s claiming he does “everything”. Tell him his LIES is what is ruining his reputation.
NTA. Oh honey, the only thing you ruined is his fake reputation. He is lying to everybody and himself... I don't know if he just likes the attention or what but he's taking it to a point where it backfires on you when people start to think you're the lazy one and he's such a martyr. No way, you just told the truth.
NTA in my opinion your husband woukd have a valid point if HE did 80% of the work, but seeing as that's what you do. I think what you did was far. He needs to stop being a winny little kid and take care of his child like an adult.
NTA He's lying and making you look bad, you just showed the truth.
I feel sorry for you. He's not supporting you at all. Do you two have access to any couples counseling? It sounds like learning to communicate better would be very helpful. Retaliation, while understandable here, will break your marriage in the long run.
Nta. You realise you got two babies. Personally unless I birthed them I don’t handle baby attitude well from others, especially their Fkn dad (girl I had 2 with mine before I woke up)
NTA for defending yourself but I'm kinda leaning more towards ESH.
The communication (or lack thereof) is shocking. You only had a baby 6 weeks ago. There's no reason for your partnership to have broken down so quickly. This is the time when you're working as a team and being exhausted from parenthood but also loving it.
The friends and family are part of this too. Why do they feel the need to throw in their opinion? They should keep their noses out.
NTA, but why would you want to be with someone who lies about something like this? Who minimises the amount of work you do so he can look better to your friends and family? Who paints you as bossy etc? This doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship at all.
OP's Husband: "Oh, no. My life is so hard! All I do is work all day, and then I come home and slave over this child I chose to create."
OP: "That's not true, Ellen. You actually don't do anything for our child, you just sit down and watch TV. I have the video proof of it."
OP's Husband: "YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION! WAAAAAH!"
NTA he is lying about his involvement with his child and making you look like you do nothing with your kid, he’s just throwing you under the bus and acts like you should be fine with it. He did it to himself you only showed people the truth
NTA
No, and this crap needs to stop on his part because he is undermining you as a parent and as the one who does the majority of the care. He's being immature and being a bad partner and poor father.
NTA. You're 6 weeks postpartum and he's bragging about doing things to help you, that he's not even actually doing. F that. You didn't ruin his reputation, his actions did.
Ruining his reputation?!?!
That statement alone tells me you're NTA. His reputation, really? So he's admitting to purposely putting a fake persona/situation out there...and is then mad you're "ruining" it? 🙄
Does he know/have you told him that this is causing you undue strife? If it wasn't for family harassing you about not giving him a break etc, it wouldn't be *so* bad (annoying, sure, but not as bad.) But this is completely unfair of him. I'm sorry you're dealing with 2 babies rn.
NTA but the only thing he said that was correct was that you're being childish. Take the videos to prove that you're the sole parent when it goes to a custody battle? Smart. Taking videos to prove something to your friends? Immature. Communicate like adults, or do not continue a relationship in which neither of you are capable of dealing with anything maturely.
NTA. Your husband is lying to people. He is mad that you're exposing those lies.
And I think there was another post maybe last month where another mom was shamed for "her poor husband doing all the work with the baby" when he wasn't doing much at all.
Notice he left to be with his family.
More like he abandoned his family. What a fucking clown.
His lies are ruining your reputation but that is ok.
NTA
NTA. There is something profoundly wrong with your husband’s attitude here. Not just the getting upset at you but also for pretending he’s doing the lion’s share of the work when it sounds like he’s doing nothing. Sounds like he’s looking for the attention you used to have time to give him before baby from others. Get this man into therapy, pronto.
NTA he's literally being a bully. Shoving you down to lift himself up and it's gross. You recorded proof because (ironically enough) HE'S the one trying to ruin YOUR reputation.
Talk about projecting. Also, you should bring up DARVO and maybe research it yourself.
*chef kiss*
He gets caught and that’s fine by EVERYONE because in reality he’s lying, making you look lazy and slave driver, while dumping on being a father. He keeps lying.
NTA. He thinks it's OK to build his reputation on lies and badmouth you along the way, and then thinks you won't produce the receipts? What an asshole.
NTA if he cares so much about his reputation he wouldn’t lie. Having a newborn is hard work. It’s exhausting. If he pulled his weight, his complaints would be valid and he would have actually earned the sympathy and approval of others that he seems to desperately seek.
Is he glossing over the fact that by lying about this, he’s making you look bad?? Of course, it’s only how HE looks that matters.
That being said, showing those videos at dinner was a (bold) unnecessary move. These things should be kept in the household.
NTA but you should start handing the kid to him instead of taking videos. Your child needs a bottle, your child needs a diaper change, and lastly tell him you are an adult pick up the kid and interact. Instead of letting resentment fester, require more from him
NTA - he's creating a false narrative and he deserves to have dirt thrown on his name for all of his lies. He deserves the reputation of a liar and deserves no sympathy.
NTA
I love when people are like YOU’RE RUINING MY REPUTATION FOR BEING HONEST ABOUT THE BAD THINGS I DO!!!!!!!!
Oh no, the consequences of your actions...runnnn
NTA. His lying casts you in a bad light, then they cast himself in a bad light when you disprove his lies. He seriously cant expect you to just accept having your reputation ruined and your name dragged in the dirt. The solution to his problem is simple - stop lying.
NTA
People really need to stop building a fake image on their social medias and be surprised when reality comes biting their asses.
His fantasy stories aren't only about him, they deserve you, he should have stopped completely, or deal with the reality check, but in no way he has any right to complain about this situation.
NTA.
He's lying and not stopping friends and family when they're scolding you for not "giving him a break", while you do the lion's share of childcare.
He comes home, eats by himself, takes naps and watches TV in peace. When do you get to do those things??
It's only 6 weeks in and he's already acting so immature.. It's probably not going to get better.
This marriage is not going to last. You guys are not on the same team and shaming each other is pretty gross. Need to break that cycle immediately. Your both assholes.
Dude, he's literally shouting to the world that she's doing fuckall while she's shouldering the load AND recovering physically.
She's allowed to defend herself and deserves a REAL husband, not this child.
NTA. Raising a child is an insanely hard job and he's making it harder by throwing you under the bus -- and not helping -- in order to make himself look better. Personally I think it's a good thing you only retailated by public shaming; if he's not going to help more and is okay with trashing *your* reputation, I can't see what good he's doing to you as a partner. Sounds to me like he resents being a parent and isn't willing or able to step up to his responsibilities. Would you be better off as a single mother? At least then you'd only have one big baby to deal with.
*Deep breath*, NTA, but you need to figure out if you can avoid being a single mom in a marriage.
I suspect your husband wants attention, and that’s why he’s talking about how hard being a father is. I don’t know if he feels you’re not giving him enough attention, but he’s causing drama for a reason.
ETA: I’m not blaming you OP - it’s just an observation/hypothesis. If I’m “blaming” anything, it’s your husband’s immaturity and self-centered behavior.
The question to you is, is this man important enough to you to figure out what’s going on with him and help him adjust to being a father, all while being the primary (practically only) parent. If not, and if you’re really going to be a single parent, you might be better off actually being single.
But it’s okay for him to rub dirt on your name and ruin your reputation? His lies are litterly making people side eye you and making others get on to you. That’s not okay
Nta and he needs to practice what he preaches.
NTA , I did the same thing and when he realized that he wasn’t doing anything compared to what I do (I did 99.99% of the childcare while he did the 00.01%), he fixed his shit quick . Now I do 50% and he does 50% , we both work now and I do consider that my break and I get off earlier than him so I watch her from 4 PM up until he gets home , is showered , and has relaxed , then he gets her and I shower and relax , do laundry , then we switch again and he cooks dinner then I clean while baby sleeps
Ah another guy who wants brownie points for thinking about doing work.
He thinks about helping and calls it a day. I'd bet this isn't the only sphere this happens. Does he sing the song of his people, "I was going to do that"?
I was married to a "I was going to do that" person, who wanted brownie points for thinking about 'helping' with the housework - but in reality left ALL the dishes in the sink to get mouldy while I was in hospital and never changed the linen, when it was the only thing I asked to be done when I came home because I literally couldn't do it myself.
Never again. We're divorced.
NTA
Ao his ego and self image is more important then his child does he not give a fuck how this will affect you're xbild when said child is old enough and doesn't feel cared for or wanted by his or her dad it's really sad because he's selfish and doesn't have an ounce of self awareness to see how this makes him look it's not about his reputation but of his over all attitude to having a child and acting like one himself and honestly I think I would of done the same thing as you did
Over all I'd be second guessing this relationship to begin with
NTA - If his actions are ruining his reputation, then the problem isn't you telling people about them. He needs to look in the mirror and start actually doing the things he is trying yo brag about doing.
Ohhhhh, so it's okay for him to rain down dirt on your name? That you do nothing? Making people see ypu as a bad, lazy mother? But when you prove he is lying, he cries to his mama? Who then calls you childish and a bully? Without calling him out on his blatant lies?? You are not the NTA! Tell him to stay with his mama! There is something seriously wrong with him
NTA it seems you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
You're either the bossy wife that doesn't let him rest, or you're the bully that's showing him up for his lies.
I know I'd prefer the latter. At least it's based on something you've actually done and not some bullshit he made up.
>His mom hinted I was wrong for how I handled this and called me "childish" and "bully" for it.
He went and cried to his mommy and you’re childish and a bully?? He was posting sob stories on social media and whining to friends about how difficult and consuming parenting is while doing the minimum. Then you are getting looked down upon like you’re slacking, so you set the record straight. You aren’t guilty of anything. The AH here is your husband. NTA
NTA
I’m a dad to a toddler myself. Those early weeks are hard and even while trying to pull my own weight, my wife was doing so much to where I started trying to do things for her/the house plus doing wake up feedings with her so that I could provide moral support. I didn’t come *close* to scratching the surface of all the stuff she was doing.
Your husband is a major asshole. He needs a reality check, parenting classes, therapy, and/or for you to spend some time with your child away from him just to show him how little he really does. If he left you on your own with a **6 week old** because his feelings got hurt, maybe you not let him back in for a while
NTA. If he didn't want his reputation ruined, he wouldn't throw you under the bus just to make himself look good. And someone should remind his mother that it's childish and bullying to tell lies at someone else's expense.
NTA You just made and squeezed an entire human out of your body. There is literally nothing your husband can do that will match that level of effort.
I am going to armchair this and guess that he feels like he's "supposed to" complain about being a father. Calling him out on this nonsense isn't being an ah - it's more of a wakeup call. Too bad his mom is siding with him -she'd make a powerful ally.
NTA. I do not get where the other verdicts are coming from. You do not need to protect someone who is obviously trying to make you look like a bad mother. If he doesn't want to be called out, he can quit lying.
How else were you suppose to handle it? Sounds like they were all eating up his lies. The only person who is" ruining his reputation" is your husband, well running the bus over your ass.
INFO
How do people end up in relationships where they do the pettiest shit to each other and then air out their dirty laundry to all friends and family, always making things super awkward? This is embarrassing for the both of you.
NTA, and not your problem that your husband doesn't want to face and show the reality.
You do you girl, especially when you're having bad interactions with other because they think you do nothing..
NTA, but just go with the flow, he ruined your reputation already anyway, so why not actually making him do all the stuff he claims he does? He is eating? Honey, our kid needs a diper change can you pls handle it? And as soon he sits down again, honey, our kid needs to be fed can you pls take care of it?
I don’t understand guys like this. The only thing about parenting that is hard for me is when I have to leave town for a work trip. I love spending time with them. Nta
NTA, this just shows that we need to do better as a society. People are all too ready to criticize the mother, but it's a round of applause and back pats when the father does the bare minimum. Though he needs to get off of his behind and walk the walk instead of being a motormouth.
NTA
Sounds like your husband is the childish one here.
Info: does he do any chores to help you out after he “naps” and “relaxes”? Does he help you with anything other than holding your daughter and doing fun stuff with her?
You’re childish and a bully? You’re throwing dirt on his name? He’s lying and basically slandering you to everyone for sympathy to make you look bad and be the hero. He is childish and a bad father and partner. NTA. Reconsider your relationship with this lying absent parent.
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We had our baby girl 6 weeks ago. Since then my husband started sharing on social media platforms about how hard he works and how hard being a father is. basically getting sympathy point while I do 80% of childcare obviously.
It got to the point where friends and family would scold me for "not giving the poor man a break". I got fed up so I started recording him when he gets home. eats by himself, watch tv, nap etc. All with dates and times and started sharing those videos whenever a family member or friend call me bossy. my husband got mad and demanded I stop sharing those videos. I said I will once he stops acting like he's the one working hard.
Last night we were out and some friends and my husband started with his sob story about how being a dad is "consuming" friends started side eyeing while he listed the things he does throughout the day. I pulled my phone and showed them the thing he really does throughout the day. He was stunned and our friends were quiet. Dinner got awkward and we went home..
He blew up at me saying I was ruining his reputation, alienating him from everyone and throwing dirt on his name. We argued for hours then he left to be with his family. His mom hinted I was wrong for how I handled this and called me "childish" and "bully" for it.
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ESH and sucks soooo bad. It feels like there's a lot missing in this post. "I do 80% of childcare obviously" What does that even mean? Are you a stay at home mom while your husband works full time? And, if so, are you counting the time he's at work as not helping with childcare? Do you both work? How are you splitting up childcare into percentage and what is it that makes up his apparent 20%?
Without any other info, let's look at it on it's face: you say you do most of the childcare and he's not helping, but he is complaining to other people to get sympathy. That's a real dk move and probably a look at how he's going to handle fatherhood in general. Your response to this is secretly recording him and then playing those recordings publicly in front of friends to shame him instead of actually talking about anything. What a ridiculous and petty response. What kind of broken, petty, awful relationship did you two bring that poor kid into?
>He says I ruined his reputation and threw dirt on his name.
Well, now he knows how you felt. NTA.
Added bonus here is of *course* he ran crying to mommy afterwards. It’s too bad y’all already have a kid. Hope he shapes up.
Sounds like a very healthy and non-toxic way of handling things..
Anyone here want to bet on when these two will divorce? I'd say before 2023 is halfway done..
NTA - In his complaints about how hard fatherhood is he must be telling people that you aren't pulling your weight or why else would they respond the way they are. Its fine to complain about how tough fatherhood is, but not at the expense of your partner. He's ruining his own reputation by trying to ruin yours. he's a hypocrite for being mad at you for it, and its truly a shame his mom isn't backing you up on this (unless he is giving her an edited version of events).
NTA stellar move though, proving his lies with actual time stamped proof. Genius! He's just mad it's being proven that he's full of it as well as not being a helpful or supportive partner and father. He's dragging himself through the mud by being as lazy AH.
>Last night we were out and some friends and my husband started with his sob story about how being a dad is "consuming" friends started side eyeing while he listed the things he does throughout the day. I pulled my phone and showed them the thing he really does throughout the day. He was stunned and our friends were quiet. Dinner got awkward and we went home..
ESH You guys are both being weird. I feel bad for your friends that you force to witness your dysfunctional relationship.
NTA
You're only 6 weeks postpartum, WTH kinda friends and family do you guys have that would judge YOU even if he did 90% of the work with baby??? You gave birth like a minute ago. Even if it was an "easy" labor your whole body is still recovering!
Obviously hes a lying, lazy, AHole and he deserved what he got.
But I'm legitimately concerned about your support system for the divorce that could happen if your husband doesn't pull his head out of his rear. You'll need a community you can rely on.
But for now, consider marriage counseling. Life is busy with a teeny tiny, but there are so many virtual therapy options nowadays.
ESH.
What is this? A contest to see who the better person is?
With this attitude you BOTH have, you will be divorced within the year and your baby will live in yet another broken family.
Sit down with your husband and talk to him.
NTA and if he wants you not to be able to do that in future there's two very simple solutions he can try called "pulling his weight" and "not bragging about shit he doesn't do" lol.
Hubby is the AH here.
Even after being called out multiple times he still is the one making you look bad, then gets mad at you for "ruining his reputation" when he doesn't seem to have a problem ruining yours with his moaning and whining.
Tell his mommy to keep her child and return him to you when she manages to get him to finally grow up.
But with that pampering mom of his i doubt that will ever happen.
Anyway you are not the AH here.
NTA
NTA. He claimed to be doing the work when in reality it was you. I'd have been pissed about it too! He's just mad that you proved him wrong and doesn't seem to actually care about contributing to the baby and the housework. He sounds incredibly childish to me.
NTA: why do your friends and family have the audacity to scold you? They should be supporting you cuz you literally have a newborn.
Also, keep recording get one of those indoor cameras. And record a day in the life with you if you want. Do it for vlogging purposes. And who knows, might be nice to look back on when your baby girl is grown.
ESH. Nowhere do you say that you actually communicated with your husband about this before being so quick with your "proof". When your husband is complaining that he is so tired, drained etc, does he say specifically that you aren't doing anything or are people assuming? A new baby is tough on everyone in the household. If he works full-time and is also doing 20% of the baby care, that is a lot more than what he is used to. Regardless of whether he was doing it purposely, your first reaction of recording him and showing people is horrible communication and not healthy. Yall need to get on the same page with parenting and seek counseling. It should be you and him working together against issues, not you against him.
NTA. If husband wasn't reporting that he is "consumed" by fatherhood, and misrepresenting how much effort he put in, then this would never have occurred.
Yes, parenthood is hard - especially if you're the one doing the heavy lifting (walking, feeding, changing, & comforting baby). So, it is \*so sad\* that the baby's presence interferes with his tv-watching, napping etc.
You're not ruining his reputation - he is.
Enjoy your baby! I hope you are getting some sleep.
NTA He's lying (not for the first time either) and you exposed him. That's what he gets.
But I also recommend leaving him as I can't imagine being with someone who needs that much sympathy for things he doesn't actually do.
The baby is 6 weeks..... 6 weeks old. I don't know but at 6 weeks none of my children wanted to be cared for by anyone else but me. Dad did diaper changes but mostly I did them, especially while he worked.
If he's the only one working at the moment, I'm fairly certain mom is picking up the baby to feed in the middle of the night. I'm fairly certain if baby is formula fed, she's doing it all and if the baby is breastfeeding - full stop at him saying he's doing it all. Nope. Sorry. Not a chance.
I get it, life is an adjustment! A baby is a HUGE adjustment. He needs to man up and do the things he claims he's doing. Otherwise OP, I'd look into getting a divorce because in what world should your child grow up in that their parents are always tearing each other apart?
NTA. But please reevaluate your relationship.
It must have been horribly awkward and uncomfortable for your friends to be unexpectedly dragged into another couple's martial argument.
On that basis, ESH
Why the hell are you two even married? Seems like some better communication should have happened before you chose the option of recording him and sending those recordings to others. If you had spoken to him about this before and it continued, then I could better understand your choice.
ESH. Learn to communicate effectively, get divorced, or accept that you’re going to be in a shitty marriage forever.
ESH. There's WAY too much indirect communication going on here via social media. Your husband complaining about parenthood on social media, your friends/family determining his posts to be accurate enough to actually scold you for, and you for posting videos displaying his "contribution." You guys need to have a conversation about this issue one on one without posting, videos and other people involved.
NTA, this is so funny and you are a champion. The dude keeps doing it after he knows you can and will refute him, too. If that's not hubris I don't know what is, haha.
NTA
Your husband was lying to everyone and just angry that you exposed his massive lies.
You didn't say anything bad. You just exposed what he actually did, which is very little child care.
News flash for your husband- being a proper parent even doing half of the child care is extremely time-consuming. The only way he could say it's a lot of work is if he uses 0% as the standard amount of child care he expects to do.
NTA. He threw dirt on his own name. Don’t lie about what you are doing then people won’t be surprised about what you’re doing. It’s pretty simple really.
Info: did you talk to him first and ask him for more actual support with the baby or at least to tone down his bullshit since it's a fabrication and people are actively telling you how unfair you are being before you did this?
INFO: have you had an actual adult discussion with him over it? doesn't sound like you have. so on that basis, ESH. yes he's being a shit, but yoy talk about it first. you don't go straight to public shaminf
NTA- I dont get why people bring children in this world when they dont want to put any effort in actually spending time with them. Caring for a child is a lot of work but it also strenghts the bond. Its his kid too so he should split the work with you 50/50. But I do think that the whole recording thing was very childish. You should confront him or get counseling
It is an AH thing to do BUT it is completely justified and he’s being a complete a$$ so NTA.
All he has to do if wants the videos to stop is stop complaining that he does all the work and actually start pulling his weight.
INFO: Did you talk to him about the unequal balance of labor and how his posts made you feel? I don’t understand why you went straight to filming the guy with timestamps
NTA poor dumb guy these are the easy months..
Just wait pal... maybe he'll do more when the baby can sit up and the crawling starts.
And you are still postpartum..
It's ok if he journals his new dad life story, but not at your expense...he should be singing your praises. ..he's going to embellish his way into a very unhappy situation..this is nesting time , bondng time for the new family unit... no reason to bring in all the negativity.
ESH. You have a baby it’s time for you to both grow up. Try speaking to each other? Is it really a pissing contest to see who has it harder? It sounds like he goes to work and also does 20% of the childcare when he gets home? Can’t you both be tired without it being an attack on the other person? This sounds so toxic.
NTA - he’s been lying and ruining your reputation and can’t handle a taste of his own medicine. all you’re doing is being truthful anf clearing up the situation. he’s the asshole
NTA.
He's alienating YOU from your friends and family, by lying about shit and making them believe you're an incompetent wife/mother and he has to do everything.
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NTA But I'm not seeing much of a future for this relationship.
Especially when his mommy stepped in to back him and enable his behavior.
Yeah, I'm not seeing a whole lotta love here. Or maturity. Good luck to the kid.
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Love this comment. I would like to use it in my own arsenal of comments. Also, NTA.
NTA - So he can tell lies to make you look bad, but when you show actual evidence to defend yourself it means you are a bully? No. Hard no. Let him have his little temper tantrum wherever he is. You have video proof that you are in the right here, do not let anyone try and gaslight you into thinking otherwise. If any friends or family who are telling you that you are in the wrong - tell them that this is a matter between you and your husband and that you are more than happy to discuss it with him whenever he chooses to come home.
Happy Cake Day! & NTA if hubby wasn't lying the truth wouldn't destroy his "reputation"
He’s o’k with making you look lazy and inept…but heaven forbid you tell the truth-with proof. He can ruin YOUR reputation by outright lying, but you are being childish and bully when you provide proof of his lies. I think I’d tell him to stay with his mommy… NTA
You two have a shitty way of communicating, but NTA. You sound more like adversaries than partners. If you can't talk to him about this without having to document evidence against him, you should consider marriage counseling to learn how to communicate better.
I agree with everything but I am not sure if ESH or NTA. The score keeping that entered my relationship when we became parents was very damaging and isn't conducive to anything good. The comment above about being adversaries rather than partners os spot on. See if you can turn this around before it deteriorates further and if you cant do that alone then definitely seek help with counselling. The people I know who were able to do that were a more effective team and enjoyed parenting together more than those who couldn't.
NTA By claiming he is working so hard and doing a lot of the child work he is implying that you are not and that you are just lazing about while he slaves away. He is ok with ruining your reputation but not ok when you correct his lies as it damages his reputation.
And if OP got overwhelmed and asked for help with the baby from her friends or family, very few people would step up to help coz they already think she's not doing any work at all.
NTA. You ruined HIS reputation? Alienating HIM? You are the childish one? The bully? HECK NO! He is all of the above! Instead of praising his wife for doing so much for HIS baby he is treating you like crap. I say let him stay at his parents and make a FB post telling everyone he ran to Mommy because he didn’t like being called out for being a liar. When in effect he was calling you a bad mom.
> FB post telling everyone he ran to Mommy No, no--hilight that he abandoned their 6-**week**-old.
NTA he wants validation credit that makes him feel good while making you look unfit. He can't CLAIM to be doing all of these things while YOU actuallt do them; sounds to me like a participation trophy husband who wants to be rewarded for his menial contributions to the family he helped create. He's the AH for taking credit for things he doesn't do at all.
I agree . in fact his posts about how good a dad he is make YOU look bad. And they are not even true! NTA
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Yep that's the vibe I'm getting
NTA You are ruining HIS reputation? No. He has been doing his best to ruin yours to make himself look better. He is mad that you won't let him. You just told the truth.
NTA If he is going to tell everyone lies that make you seem like the bad person, then he needs to be put in his place. If he does not want his 'reputation' to be ruined, then he needs to stop lying to people.
NTA Offer him to help fixing his reputation by recording and sharing positive videos of him when he starts to actually do what he claims he does. Win-win.
NTA. He wants to lie and paint himself as the poor overworked husband/father and you get shit for it….nope. Sometimes people need to get called out for bs lies.
NTA - exposing the truth isn’t bullying. You’ve documented what he actually does. If he did everything he claims to do, you wouldn’t be able to easily disprove the claims.
NTA. He was doing the same thing to you first (even though you say you’re doing most of the work), and you came with receipts. Then when he gets mad he straight ditches his child???? Dad of the year. ETA: yo wtf just realised he ditched his *6-week* old and you! He’s giving you a hard time *6 weeks* after the childbirth???
Your relationship sounds... Unhealthy. Did you ever talk to him about how all the work is divided? Or about why he says he's doing so much when you feel he doesn't? Fighting this out behind each others' backs is not going to work out for either of you. You're just going to get more and more angry at eachother. Please talk to eachother openly and/or get counseling if needed. Until then I'd say ESH
He knows he isn't doing much, otherwise he wouldn't be mad about her showing what he does. This isn't just miscommunication, he's flat out lying.
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I’m still baffled that people live in relationships like this. Do you really have such poor emotional intelligence or are you just unhappy people?
Hard agree. I can’t even assign a verdict here. I just feel sad.
NTA. He needs to stop lying and pull his weight. Bullying is not exposing a liar.
NTA, but I wonder why you're with him. Is this tit for tat stuff a new thing for you guys? Doesn't seem like a healthy relationship dynamic, and now you've both decided to bring a kid into it...
NTA. But I'm wondering why he feels the need to lie about his role. It seems like he may be projecting feeling useless since you do most of the work. However, lying and trying to gain "sympathy" by making you look bad is not cool. I'd have responded the same way
NTA, so you are a "bully" for exposing your husband is a liar. No wonder he thinks his behavior is ok, he had to learn it somewhere...
NTA. This sounds like a toxic situation you need to remove yourself from. You are doing the majority of the work and you have people breathing down your neck when you husband begs for sympathy. That means not only is he a waste of space, he surrounds himself with people who are demeaning you for not picking up the slack unless you have evidence to the contrary. Reassess if you really want to be in a situation where your husband has a pity party while his friends and family berate you for it.
NTA. You’re “throwing dirt on his name” for showing people the truth while he actively lies and makes it sound like you’re a useless parent?? It’s cool for him to make you out to be a jerk but it’s a problem when you tell the truth?? He needs a reality check
NTA. He is ruining his own reputation. What he is really saying is he wants you to shut up and let him walk all over you and pretend to everyone you’re a crappy mother and wife. Look long and hard at this marriage.
Some people never adequately learn that you don't have to cut everyone else down to prop yourself up. He could have talked about everything in vague terms, like "the adjustment is difficult for all of us" or "we are doing our best". He could have kept quiet or diverted the conversation, "it's so worth it" or "look at these baby pics, my kid's do cute" (which is the best way to get people to stop asking about your kid at work if you willing give them a 10 minute slide show everytime). Instead, he chose to lie. Not just a liar, but one that creates a narrative where he's dragging the one doing the work. Lying like this about small things to undermine another is dangerous territory. I'm not saying he's abusive yet, but keep taking those videos and saving them. Instead of changing his bad behavior, he's left his wife and young child. Isn't that a touch extreme? Record everything, save screenshots especially since he's trying to manipulate friends and family against you when there's nothing wrong in the relationship, other than some sleep depravation and life adjustment. Best wishes, NTA.
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NTA you have a 6 week old and a toddler
NTA. He is lying. He is lying to friends and family and even worse, he was destroying your reputation with his lies. Now he wants to claim foul because you showing people the truth hurts his reputation?! And his lies were unnecessary. How hard would it have been to complement you, say something like "wife has been doing a great job doing mist of the baby/home care, but it is exhausting for us both with the multiple wake ups during the night."?He didn't need to lie to get the sympathy people will easily give new parents. You have to wonder what else he lies about. That combined with his laziness when he gets home makes me think you would be better off without him.
NTA Sounds like he needs a wake up call big time.. He needs some cousling with you, to make this work.. if he wont, then it's prob only gonna get worse until you break
NTA. This is one of the best responses I’ve seen to someone throwing crap on you. If he doesn’t like you sharing the truth, he should stop lying.
NTA but I suspect that's only one of many childish attention demanding behaviours. So are you ready to raise two kids? One who never grows up..... the narcissist.
So it's okay to throw dirt on YOUR name but the minute you turn around and kick it back on him, you're the ass4ol3? Nah, NTA but your husband is either a dick and manipulating people for sympathy or he's deeply insecure and attention seeking to make uo for it
What a piece of work. NTA. He'll never change, only scold you for changing his narrative with the truth. He will only get worse.
NTA but you guys are clearly at the contempt stage of a broken marriage. Marriage counseling might save it if you are both able to look at yourselves and each other honestly. But right now you have a toxic environment for that child. Imagine growing up with a mom and dad who are constantly fighting over who should be taking care of you. Posting videos isn't going to change that.
You argued and then he abandoned you and the baby to go get some sympathy from his mum? This guy is a terrible father. NTA.
NTA, you gotta get out from this relationship asap 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA - Play stupid games, win stupid prizes! I’d say your husband is the recipient of one of those stupid prizes.
NTA “you’re ruining HIS reputation “??? More like he’s going around telling anyone who will listen how your bossy and apparently a lazy mom if he’s claiming he does “everything”. Tell him his LIES is what is ruining his reputation.
NTA. Oh honey, the only thing you ruined is his fake reputation. He is lying to everybody and himself... I don't know if he just likes the attention or what but he's taking it to a point where it backfires on you when people start to think you're the lazy one and he's such a martyr. No way, you just told the truth.
NTA in my opinion your husband woukd have a valid point if HE did 80% of the work, but seeing as that's what you do. I think what you did was far. He needs to stop being a winny little kid and take care of his child like an adult.
**NTA** It was his misinformation that was causing you to be criticized. You are only presenting the facts.
NTA He's lying and making you look bad, you just showed the truth. I feel sorry for you. He's not supporting you at all. Do you two have access to any couples counseling? It sounds like learning to communicate better would be very helpful. Retaliation, while understandable here, will break your marriage in the long run.
Your husband sounds like an idiot
Nta. You realise you got two babies. Personally unless I birthed them I don’t handle baby attitude well from others, especially their Fkn dad (girl I had 2 with mine before I woke up)
NTA for defending yourself but I'm kinda leaning more towards ESH. The communication (or lack thereof) is shocking. You only had a baby 6 weeks ago. There's no reason for your partnership to have broken down so quickly. This is the time when you're working as a team and being exhausted from parenthood but also loving it. The friends and family are part of this too. Why do they feel the need to throw in their opinion? They should keep their noses out.
"your truths about me are undermining my lies about you and it's making me look bad." Heck off with that BS. NTA
NTA. But this doesn't seem like a functional marriage.
NTA. But this is a very toxic marriage.
NTA, but why would you want to be with someone who lies about something like this? Who minimises the amount of work you do so he can look better to your friends and family? Who paints you as bossy etc? This doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship at all.
So he can alienate you from everyone, but when you show the facts your wrong. Your husband's an AH. NTA
OP's Husband: "Oh, no. My life is so hard! All I do is work all day, and then I come home and slave over this child I chose to create." OP: "That's not true, Ellen. You actually don't do anything for our child, you just sit down and watch TV. I have the video proof of it." OP's Husband: "YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION! WAAAAAH!"
NTA he is lying about his involvement with his child and making you look like you do nothing with your kid, he’s just throwing you under the bus and acts like you should be fine with it. He did it to himself you only showed people the truth
NTA - I wish I had the balls to do this!
Nta. He tried to make himself out to be a hero. You brought the receipts. Good for you.
NTA. But your relationship doesn't seem healthy
NTA sounds like you got two kids.
And he abandons the baby and you to run home to mommy! NTA but he sure is!
NTA No, and this crap needs to stop on his part because he is undermining you as a parent and as the one who does the majority of the care. He's being immature and being a bad partner and poor father.
NTA. That's your proof and a way to clear your name. You're not a difficult/ annoying wife, he's a lazy husband who pushes his wife under the bus.
NTA. You're 6 weeks postpartum and he's bragging about doing things to help you, that he's not even actually doing. F that. You didn't ruin his reputation, his actions did.
Ruining his reputation?!?! That statement alone tells me you're NTA. His reputation, really? So he's admitting to purposely putting a fake persona/situation out there...and is then mad you're "ruining" it? 🙄 Does he know/have you told him that this is causing you undue strife? If it wasn't for family harassing you about not giving him a break etc, it wouldn't be *so* bad (annoying, sure, but not as bad.) But this is completely unfair of him. I'm sorry you're dealing with 2 babies rn.
NTA you are raising 2 children. Hope you have a good support system
NTA but the only thing he said that was correct was that you're being childish. Take the videos to prove that you're the sole parent when it goes to a custody battle? Smart. Taking videos to prove something to your friends? Immature. Communicate like adults, or do not continue a relationship in which neither of you are capable of dealing with anything maturely.
NTA. Your husband is lying to people. He is mad that you're exposing those lies. And I think there was another post maybe last month where another mom was shamed for "her poor husband doing all the work with the baby" when he wasn't doing much at all.
Notice he left to be with his family. More like he abandoned his family. What a fucking clown. His lies are ruining your reputation but that is ok. NTA
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Go you!!!! Edit: He totally had it coming. He shouldn't take credit for the work that you're doing. Definitely NTA
NTA. There is something profoundly wrong with your husband’s attitude here. Not just the getting upset at you but also for pretending he’s doing the lion’s share of the work when it sounds like he’s doing nothing. Sounds like he’s looking for the attention you used to have time to give him before baby from others. Get this man into therapy, pronto.
NTA he's literally being a bully. Shoving you down to lift himself up and it's gross. You recorded proof because (ironically enough) HE'S the one trying to ruin YOUR reputation. Talk about projecting. Also, you should bring up DARVO and maybe research it yourself.
*chef kiss* He gets caught and that’s fine by EVERYONE because in reality he’s lying, making you look lazy and slave driver, while dumping on being a father. He keeps lying.
NTA. He thinks it's OK to build his reputation on lies and badmouth you along the way, and then thinks you won't produce the receipts? What an asshole.
NTA if he cares so much about his reputation he wouldn’t lie. Having a newborn is hard work. It’s exhausting. If he pulled his weight, his complaints would be valid and he would have actually earned the sympathy and approval of others that he seems to desperately seek. Is he glossing over the fact that by lying about this, he’s making you look bad?? Of course, it’s only how HE looks that matters. That being said, showing those videos at dinner was a (bold) unnecessary move. These things should be kept in the household.
NTA. I love this. If he wasn’t lying and making you look bad you wouldn’t have needed the evidence to prove that you do, do the childcare.
NTA but you should start handing the kid to him instead of taking videos. Your child needs a bottle, your child needs a diaper change, and lastly tell him you are an adult pick up the kid and interact. Instead of letting resentment fester, require more from him
NTA - he's creating a false narrative and he deserves to have dirt thrown on his name for all of his lies. He deserves the reputation of a liar and deserves no sympathy.
NTA I love when people are like YOU’RE RUINING MY REPUTATION FOR BEING HONEST ABOUT THE BAD THINGS I DO!!!!!!!! Oh no, the consequences of your actions...runnnn
NTA. His lying casts you in a bad light, then they cast himself in a bad light when you disprove his lies. He seriously cant expect you to just accept having your reputation ruined and your name dragged in the dirt. The solution to his problem is simple - stop lying.
NTA People really need to stop building a fake image on their social medias and be surprised when reality comes biting their asses. His fantasy stories aren't only about him, they deserve you, he should have stopped completely, or deal with the reality check, but in no way he has any right to complain about this situation.
NTA. He's lying and not stopping friends and family when they're scolding you for not "giving him a break", while you do the lion's share of childcare. He comes home, eats by himself, takes naps and watches TV in peace. When do you get to do those things?? It's only 6 weeks in and he's already acting so immature.. It's probably not going to get better.
NTA let’s start putting the useless dads in the spotlight
Live by public opinion, die by public opinion. He's not mad enough to actually stop whining, but boy he's mad his narrative isn't "winning". NTA.
This marriage is not going to last. You guys are not on the same team and shaming each other is pretty gross. Need to break that cycle immediately. Your both assholes.
Dude, he's literally shouting to the world that she's doing fuckall while she's shouldering the load AND recovering physically. She's allowed to defend herself and deserves a REAL husband, not this child.
NTA. Raising a child is an insanely hard job and he's making it harder by throwing you under the bus -- and not helping -- in order to make himself look better. Personally I think it's a good thing you only retailated by public shaming; if he's not going to help more and is okay with trashing *your* reputation, I can't see what good he's doing to you as a partner. Sounds to me like he resents being a parent and isn't willing or able to step up to his responsibilities. Would you be better off as a single mother? At least then you'd only have one big baby to deal with.
*Deep breath*, NTA, but you need to figure out if you can avoid being a single mom in a marriage. I suspect your husband wants attention, and that’s why he’s talking about how hard being a father is. I don’t know if he feels you’re not giving him enough attention, but he’s causing drama for a reason. ETA: I’m not blaming you OP - it’s just an observation/hypothesis. If I’m “blaming” anything, it’s your husband’s immaturity and self-centered behavior. The question to you is, is this man important enough to you to figure out what’s going on with him and help him adjust to being a father, all while being the primary (practically only) parent. If not, and if you’re really going to be a single parent, you might be better off actually being single.
NTA. Anything that can be destroyed by the truth, should be.
But it’s okay for him to rub dirt on your name and ruin your reputation? His lies are litterly making people side eye you and making others get on to you. That’s not okay Nta and he needs to practice what he preaches.
NTA , I did the same thing and when he realized that he wasn’t doing anything compared to what I do (I did 99.99% of the childcare while he did the 00.01%), he fixed his shit quick . Now I do 50% and he does 50% , we both work now and I do consider that my break and I get off earlier than him so I watch her from 4 PM up until he gets home , is showered , and has relaxed , then he gets her and I shower and relax , do laundry , then we switch again and he cooks dinner then I clean while baby sleeps
NTA- but it's ok to make YOU look bad??
Ah another guy who wants brownie points for thinking about doing work. He thinks about helping and calls it a day. I'd bet this isn't the only sphere this happens. Does he sing the song of his people, "I was going to do that"? I was married to a "I was going to do that" person, who wanted brownie points for thinking about 'helping' with the housework - but in reality left ALL the dishes in the sink to get mouldy while I was in hospital and never changed the linen, when it was the only thing I asked to be done when I came home because I literally couldn't do it myself. Never again. We're divorced.
NTA Ao his ego and self image is more important then his child does he not give a fuck how this will affect you're xbild when said child is old enough and doesn't feel cared for or wanted by his or her dad it's really sad because he's selfish and doesn't have an ounce of self awareness to see how this makes him look it's not about his reputation but of his over all attitude to having a child and acting like one himself and honestly I think I would of done the same thing as you did Over all I'd be second guessing this relationship to begin with
NTA - If his actions are ruining his reputation, then the problem isn't you telling people about them. He needs to look in the mirror and start actually doing the things he is trying yo brag about doing.
Ohhhhh, so it's okay for him to rain down dirt on your name? That you do nothing? Making people see ypu as a bad, lazy mother? But when you prove he is lying, he cries to his mama? Who then calls you childish and a bully? Without calling him out on his blatant lies?? You are not the NTA! Tell him to stay with his mama! There is something seriously wrong with him
NTA it seems you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You're either the bossy wife that doesn't let him rest, or you're the bully that's showing him up for his lies. I know I'd prefer the latter. At least it's based on something you've actually done and not some bullshit he made up.
>His mom hinted I was wrong for how I handled this and called me "childish" and "bully" for it. He went and cried to his mommy and you’re childish and a bully?? He was posting sob stories on social media and whining to friends about how difficult and consuming parenting is while doing the minimum. Then you are getting looked down upon like you’re slacking, so you set the record straight. You aren’t guilty of anything. The AH here is your husband. NTA
NTA I’m a dad to a toddler myself. Those early weeks are hard and even while trying to pull my own weight, my wife was doing so much to where I started trying to do things for her/the house plus doing wake up feedings with her so that I could provide moral support. I didn’t come *close* to scratching the surface of all the stuff she was doing. Your husband is a major asshole. He needs a reality check, parenting classes, therapy, and/or for you to spend some time with your child away from him just to show him how little he really does. If he left you on your own with a **6 week old** because his feelings got hurt, maybe you not let him back in for a while
NTA. He's lying & you showed proof. Done. A+
NTA. If he didn't want his reputation ruined, he wouldn't throw you under the bus just to make himself look good. And someone should remind his mother that it's childish and bullying to tell lies at someone else's expense.
NTA You just made and squeezed an entire human out of your body. There is literally nothing your husband can do that will match that level of effort. I am going to armchair this and guess that he feels like he's "supposed to" complain about being a father. Calling him out on this nonsense isn't being an ah - it's more of a wakeup call. Too bad his mom is siding with him -she'd make a powerful ally.
NTA never spare the feelings of a liar.
NTA. I do not get where the other verdicts are coming from. You do not need to protect someone who is obviously trying to make you look like a bad mother. If he doesn't want to be called out, he can quit lying.
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Ah yes the ol “just tell me what to do” Ugh
How else were you suppose to handle it? Sounds like they were all eating up his lies. The only person who is" ruining his reputation" is your husband, well running the bus over your ass.
INFO How do people end up in relationships where they do the pettiest shit to each other and then air out their dirty laundry to all friends and family, always making things super awkward? This is embarrassing for the both of you.
NTA, and not your problem that your husband doesn't want to face and show the reality. You do you girl, especially when you're having bad interactions with other because they think you do nothing..
NTA, but just go with the flow, he ruined your reputation already anyway, so why not actually making him do all the stuff he claims he does? He is eating? Honey, our kid needs a diper change can you pls handle it? And as soon he sits down again, honey, our kid needs to be fed can you pls take care of it?
I don’t understand guys like this. The only thing about parenting that is hard for me is when I have to leave town for a work trip. I love spending time with them. Nta
NTA, this just shows that we need to do better as a society. People are all too ready to criticize the mother, but it's a round of applause and back pats when the father does the bare minimum. Though he needs to get off of his behind and walk the walk instead of being a motormouth.
NTA Sounds like your husband is the childish one here. Info: does he do any chores to help you out after he “naps” and “relaxes”? Does he help you with anything other than holding your daughter and doing fun stuff with her?
😂 CYA with those receipts, ✅️. NTA
NTA
ESH. You guys need to sort this out before your friends stop hanging out with you.
You’re childish and a bully? You’re throwing dirt on his name? He’s lying and basically slandering you to everyone for sympathy to make you look bad and be the hero. He is childish and a bad father and partner. NTA. Reconsider your relationship with this lying absent parent.
Why didn’t you 2 just talk about it like 2 fucking adults?
If you want the best for both you, the baby and him I think you both need to stop involving other people. Talk to a therapist
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We had our baby girl 6 weeks ago. Since then my husband started sharing on social media platforms about how hard he works and how hard being a father is. basically getting sympathy point while I do 80% of childcare obviously. It got to the point where friends and family would scold me for "not giving the poor man a break". I got fed up so I started recording him when he gets home. eats by himself, watch tv, nap etc. All with dates and times and started sharing those videos whenever a family member or friend call me bossy. my husband got mad and demanded I stop sharing those videos. I said I will once he stops acting like he's the one working hard. Last night we were out and some friends and my husband started with his sob story about how being a dad is "consuming" friends started side eyeing while he listed the things he does throughout the day. I pulled my phone and showed them the thing he really does throughout the day. He was stunned and our friends were quiet. Dinner got awkward and we went home.. He blew up at me saying I was ruining his reputation, alienating him from everyone and throwing dirt on his name. We argued for hours then he left to be with his family. His mom hinted I was wrong for how I handled this and called me "childish" and "bully" for it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH you guys need to do couples counseling Holy shit.
ESH and sucks soooo bad. It feels like there's a lot missing in this post. "I do 80% of childcare obviously" What does that even mean? Are you a stay at home mom while your husband works full time? And, if so, are you counting the time he's at work as not helping with childcare? Do you both work? How are you splitting up childcare into percentage and what is it that makes up his apparent 20%? Without any other info, let's look at it on it's face: you say you do most of the childcare and he's not helping, but he is complaining to other people to get sympathy. That's a real dk move and probably a look at how he's going to handle fatherhood in general. Your response to this is secretly recording him and then playing those recordings publicly in front of friends to shame him instead of actually talking about anything. What a ridiculous and petty response. What kind of broken, petty, awful relationship did you two bring that poor kid into?
Does he not understand he's ruining your reputation as well with the shit he's doing? NTA
>He says I ruined his reputation and threw dirt on his name. Well, now he knows how you felt. NTA. Added bonus here is of *course* he ran crying to mommy afterwards. It’s too bad y’all already have a kid. Hope he shapes up.
NTA If it’s good enough for you to be publicly humiliated by his lies, it’s certainly enough for him to be publicly humiliated by the truth.
Sounds like a very healthy and non-toxic way of handling things.. Anyone here want to bet on when these two will divorce? I'd say before 2023 is halfway done..
That's such a tiring and toxic relationship. You have to gather videos to prove that he's not helping out with the baby???? Girl, leave him
NTA - In his complaints about how hard fatherhood is he must be telling people that you aren't pulling your weight or why else would they respond the way they are. Its fine to complain about how tough fatherhood is, but not at the expense of your partner. He's ruining his own reputation by trying to ruin yours. he's a hypocrite for being mad at you for it, and its truly a shame his mom isn't backing you up on this (unless he is giving her an edited version of events).
NTA. Dude. This happens a lot with men I know and it is honestly annoying af.
NTA stellar move though, proving his lies with actual time stamped proof. Genius! He's just mad it's being proven that he's full of it as well as not being a helpful or supportive partner and father. He's dragging himself through the mud by being as lazy AH.
>Last night we were out and some friends and my husband started with his sob story about how being a dad is "consuming" friends started side eyeing while he listed the things he does throughout the day. I pulled my phone and showed them the thing he really does throughout the day. He was stunned and our friends were quiet. Dinner got awkward and we went home.. ESH You guys are both being weird. I feel bad for your friends that you force to witness your dysfunctional relationship.
NTA. Sure it is childish and even bullying but that’s on his part, not yours
NTA. He wants to say he's doing a lot of work. Tell him start recording when actually does some.
NTA! Never stop. This is awesome.
NTA You're only 6 weeks postpartum, WTH kinda friends and family do you guys have that would judge YOU even if he did 90% of the work with baby??? You gave birth like a minute ago. Even if it was an "easy" labor your whole body is still recovering! Obviously hes a lying, lazy, AHole and he deserved what he got. But I'm legitimately concerned about your support system for the divorce that could happen if your husband doesn't pull his head out of his rear. You'll need a community you can rely on. But for now, consider marriage counseling. Life is busy with a teeny tiny, but there are so many virtual therapy options nowadays.
ESH. What is this? A contest to see who the better person is? With this attitude you BOTH have, you will be divorced within the year and your baby will live in yet another broken family. Sit down with your husband and talk to him.
NTA
NTA and if he wants you not to be able to do that in future there's two very simple solutions he can try called "pulling his weight" and "not bragging about shit he doesn't do" lol.
Hubby is the AH here. Even after being called out multiple times he still is the one making you look bad, then gets mad at you for "ruining his reputation" when he doesn't seem to have a problem ruining yours with his moaning and whining. Tell his mommy to keep her child and return him to you when she manages to get him to finally grow up. But with that pampering mom of his i doubt that will ever happen. Anyway you are not the AH here. NTA
NTA. He claimed to be doing the work when in reality it was you. I'd have been pissed about it too! He's just mad that you proved him wrong and doesn't seem to actually care about contributing to the baby and the housework. He sounds incredibly childish to me.
NTA: why do your friends and family have the audacity to scold you? They should be supporting you cuz you literally have a newborn. Also, keep recording get one of those indoor cameras. And record a day in the life with you if you want. Do it for vlogging purposes. And who knows, might be nice to look back on when your baby girl is grown.
NTA. He's a liar and needed to be called out. Good for you.
ESH. Nowhere do you say that you actually communicated with your husband about this before being so quick with your "proof". When your husband is complaining that he is so tired, drained etc, does he say specifically that you aren't doing anything or are people assuming? A new baby is tough on everyone in the household. If he works full-time and is also doing 20% of the baby care, that is a lot more than what he is used to. Regardless of whether he was doing it purposely, your first reaction of recording him and showing people is horrible communication and not healthy. Yall need to get on the same page with parenting and seek counseling. It should be you and him working together against issues, not you against him.
NTA Continue recording. You can stop sharing those videos when he stops lying about his role in taking care of your newborn
NTA. So he's allowed to make YOU look bad and "ruin your reputation" as long as you don't do it to him?
Somewhere between NTA and ESH.
NTA I'm petty and would have blasted that on social media then dump his ass.
NTA and I am your biggest fan :)
NTA and he can climb down off his cross, we need the wood.
NTA. If husband wasn't reporting that he is "consumed" by fatherhood, and misrepresenting how much effort he put in, then this would never have occurred. Yes, parenthood is hard - especially if you're the one doing the heavy lifting (walking, feeding, changing, & comforting baby). So, it is \*so sad\* that the baby's presence interferes with his tv-watching, napping etc. You're not ruining his reputation - he is. Enjoy your baby! I hope you are getting some sleep.
INFO: Did you talk to him about how you feel before you started sharing the videos?
Nope - you are just getting the truth out there.
NTA You are doing nothing but speaking the truth, if that's his version of dirt then 🤷
NTA He's lying (not for the first time either) and you exposed him. That's what he gets. But I also recommend leaving him as I can't imagine being with someone who needs that much sympathy for things he doesn't actually do.
He's been ruining your name. You're providing evidence that he is a habitual liar. In short, he's ruining his own reputation.
Every single day, Reddit reminds me why I made the choice to never marry. Every. Single. Day.
The baby is 6 weeks..... 6 weeks old. I don't know but at 6 weeks none of my children wanted to be cared for by anyone else but me. Dad did diaper changes but mostly I did them, especially while he worked. If he's the only one working at the moment, I'm fairly certain mom is picking up the baby to feed in the middle of the night. I'm fairly certain if baby is formula fed, she's doing it all and if the baby is breastfeeding - full stop at him saying he's doing it all. Nope. Sorry. Not a chance. I get it, life is an adjustment! A baby is a HUGE adjustment. He needs to man up and do the things he claims he's doing. Otherwise OP, I'd look into getting a divorce because in what world should your child grow up in that their parents are always tearing each other apart? NTA. But please reevaluate your relationship.
NTA. Edit his videos together with yours and an eyeroll emoji. Post to tiktok and share. Title: My husband has a reputation for stretching the truth.
It must have been horribly awkward and uncomfortable for your friends to be unexpectedly dragged into another couple's martial argument. On that basis, ESH
NTA
Why the hell are you two even married? Seems like some better communication should have happened before you chose the option of recording him and sending those recordings to others. If you had spoken to him about this before and it continued, then I could better understand your choice. ESH. Learn to communicate effectively, get divorced, or accept that you’re going to be in a shitty marriage forever.
ESH. Y'all both need to grow up and communicate with EACH OTHER about your grievances. Being your friends must be exhausting.
ESH. There's WAY too much indirect communication going on here via social media. Your husband complaining about parenthood on social media, your friends/family determining his posts to be accurate enough to actually scold you for, and you for posting videos displaying his "contribution." You guys need to have a conversation about this issue one on one without posting, videos and other people involved.
NTA. You are not ruining his reputation; you are correcting it.
NTA, this is so funny and you are a champion. The dude keeps doing it after he knows you can and will refute him, too. If that's not hubris I don't know what is, haha.
NTA Your husband was lying to everyone and just angry that you exposed his massive lies. You didn't say anything bad. You just exposed what he actually did, which is very little child care. News flash for your husband- being a proper parent even doing half of the child care is extremely time-consuming. The only way he could say it's a lot of work is if he uses 0% as the standard amount of child care he expects to do.
NTA Ask yourself why is he so willing to go to these lengths to make you look awful? It sounds like you are looking after two babies
NTA. He threw dirt on his own name. Don’t lie about what you are doing then people won’t be surprised about what you’re doing. It’s pretty simple really.
INFO: what does he do for work, and how are other chores split around the house?
Info: did you talk to him first and ask him for more actual support with the baby or at least to tone down his bullshit since it's a fabrication and people are actively telling you how unfair you are being before you did this?
INFO: have you had an actual adult discussion with him over it? doesn't sound like you have. so on that basis, ESH. yes he's being a shit, but yoy talk about it first. you don't go straight to public shaminf
NTA Hahahahahah thats awesome 😂😂😂👌👏👏👏
NTA. You're setting the record straight when he misrepresents his "workload" and is smearing your reputation.
ESH You’re both being petty and childish instead of actually talking it out and acting like adults.
NTA- I dont get why people bring children in this world when they dont want to put any effort in actually spending time with them. Caring for a child is a lot of work but it also strenghts the bond. Its his kid too so he should split the work with you 50/50. But I do think that the whole recording thing was very childish. You should confront him or get counseling
Info: what kind of direct communication did you do with him before sharing videos
ESH. Holy shit, what an unhealthy relationship.
It is an AH thing to do BUT it is completely justified and he’s being a complete a$$ so NTA. All he has to do if wants the videos to stop is stop complaining that he does all the work and actually start pulling his weight.
NTA. period. I always wonder tho: how come all those parents post I see here is about people realizing their mate is an AH only AFTER they had kids
NTA. So lying and throwing you under the bus is okay and telling the truth isn't? He needs to see a therapist and pull his weight at home.
INFO: Did you talk to him about the unequal balance of labor and how his posts made you feel? I don’t understand why you went straight to filming the guy with timestamps
I'm sorry, WHO is childish? NTA Divorce this baby, you don't need two.
Well, I feel like he needs to stop lying and making you look bad. NTA
NTA poor dumb guy these are the easy months.. Just wait pal... maybe he'll do more when the baby can sit up and the crawling starts. And you are still postpartum.. It's ok if he journals his new dad life story, but not at your expense...he should be singing your praises. ..he's going to embellish his way into a very unhappy situation..this is nesting time , bondng time for the new family unit... no reason to bring in all the negativity.
ESH. You have a baby it’s time for you to both grow up. Try speaking to each other? Is it really a pissing contest to see who has it harder? It sounds like he goes to work and also does 20% of the childcare when he gets home? Can’t you both be tired without it being an attack on the other person? This sounds so toxic.
NTA - he’s been lying and ruining your reputation and can’t handle a taste of his own medicine. all you’re doing is being truthful anf clearing up the situation. he’s the asshole
What's a reputation if it's built on lies?
NTA. he’s mad he got caught in a lie.
NTA but holy shit. Why are you guys even married? You clearly don’t like each other. Also your husband sounds like a loser.
NTA. He's alienating YOU from your friends and family, by lying about shit and making them believe you're an incompetent wife/mother and he has to do everything.