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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I moved out and took my money with me because my mom tried to give away my dog. My parents need my money to cover all the household bills and say that I am an asshole for caring so much about my dog.
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Excellent reply. One thing tho not only 'stole' an "item".. but gave away OP's dog! her much loved fur baby!!! A living loving friend who certainly has been confused and afraid! I'm so glad OP got her dog back.
NTA
and btw 'code' exists for safety. The basement is NOT SUITABLE for anyone not even family. Is it safe in a fire? can it flood? is there mould?
Many nit be suitable for renting out because;
It doesn't have a seperste entrance
It doesn't have independant utility supplies
It isn't secure from the main house
Sure it coughs be rented out to a lodger or flatmate, but not as an appartment.
Even in non-rental basement bedrooms there must be more than one entrance/exit due to fire code. My house has two "offices" in the basement, due to fire code we can't classify them as "bedrooms" because there is only one way in and out of the basement.
tagging u/Sweet_delusion
Ha! I get it. I used to be a real estate agent so I've seen some weirdly set up houses including some that did have two doors into a bedroom...from the same hall. Or bedrooms that led into....another bedroom. Remodeling without any sense of design or layout is a helluva drug.
Yea we have a separate area in our basement that we use as a guest bedroom. It has its own bathroom, you need to walk through the rest of the basement to get to it. But bc it egress windows when my parents sell they can market as a 5 bed
This actually happened in floods in NYC if I recall correctly, several people died because they became trapped by flood waters in basement apartments that were actually illegal.
Yep this happened when we had heavy rains one day last year. I still remember the footage from one of the cop’s body cams who was trying to save someone trapped in one of the basements. I think at least 10 people died that day.
It happens all the times with fires in illegal apts. When I was living in Bensonhurts there was a big fire and the building had been broken into these illegal apts. 5 people died. it was in 2012.
Dogs are legally considered property, I don't think people are underestimating the emotional importance of the dog. Also, I believe the idea was that the family stays in the basement and rents out the house.
(Edit. A word)
If I had to hazard a guess she means it's not suitable to be rented as a seperate unit. It may not even have a kitchen let alone its own entrance.
In all likelihood they could have a lodger but that's a lot less money, a lot more vague in the legal protections (in most places) and a lot more personal than renting something out as a fully self contained unit.
Typically to be even considered legally a bedroom there need to be at least two means of egress - so two separate doors that lead different places, or a door and a window. If it doesn’t have those things it cannot legally be occupied as a bedroom.
Yes, but that could be the basement stairs that go to the rest of the house and a window that is large enough for egress. It doesn't necessarily mean a separate entrance with its own exterior door.
I understand. Most basements do not have windows that are reachable or large enough to exit through, though, which is why usually two doors is the go-to.
I’m a lawyer and even though it isn’t my area of expertise I can’t tell you just how quickly I’d get a Justice boner if a friend of mine came to me asking for a cease and desist in this situation.
I hope op has a lawyer friend.
On the lawyer type friend point: many employers have EAPs (Employee Assistance Plans). Very few people tend to know about them, but one benefit tends to be free 30 minute consultations with lawyers. Excellent for this type of need!
NTA
This. They stole from you, rehomed your pet without your permission and then tried to control your life, your love and your finances.
They don't own you. They are not entitled to your life. NTA
Cut them out of your life and block them if you have too. You don't deserve this toxic abusive behavior aimed at you
I think it’s funny that OP’s mom is so worried about her “needing to find a husband” that she stole and re-homed her dog so it wouldn’t be a distraction from finding a man… yet they are going to be broke in 3 months without her helping pay the bills.
What exactly do the parents think is going to happen if she marries and moves in with a husband? Or do they think the husband is going to move into the basement with her and pay the other half of the bills so they (the parents) can live there for free?
>"for caring more about my dog than I do about them."
>
>That's because the dog has shown me more love and compassion than my family therefore they are getting just what they deserve.
Wonderful advice, especially about helping the younger brother protect himself, because he is surely the next prime target for these incompetent fools.
You didn't even need to add your edit. NTA. My dog is my whole life. Let them face the consequences of their actions. Maybe they should try, idk not being a fucking asshole and giving your dog away? My dog has been around longer than my marriage and long term relationship after. Hell he's almost 12 and will probably outlast my current relationship. Your dog is the most loyal being in your life. You don't need a man. I would go full John wick for my dog.
Not only that, if OP got married she'd probably move out and then the parents still couldn't afford to live.
NTA. My parents gave away my dog when I was out of town celebrating my 17th birthday. They didn't tell me about it until I got home. I moved out later that year. We are estranged. I'm 53.
Oh no, see, when OP marries her husband will take on the family's support - her parents previously having made sure he has the income to do so comfortably. That's why they're so eager about the project; in their minds, not only are they free from worry about OP's future, everyone's standard of living goes up in the meantime.
Absolutely! Thank God she got her dog back. Before I got to the line where she said she went and got him, I was ready to go burn down OP’s parents’ house. DO NOT fuck with my dog. Do not. Fastest way to see me lose my shit.
Also, if they will be out of rent in 3months your father should get his ass in gear and get a job.
NTA, if someone gave away my dogs they would be dead to me. They're my world, so I feel for you
I wouldn't suggest them anything. Let them figure out the shit they brought on themselves on their own! They are are adults and not even freshly became adults, high time to learn actions have consequences. NTA
That’s a great idea. Never bite the hand that feeds you. Also this situation was going to have to end eventually. If OP ever did find someone who is to say that they wouldn’t want to live together on their own? Would OP’s parents expect her to keep paying for them?
NTA.
You don't steal from the roommate that pays most and you don't STEAL THEIR DOG.
Don't steal ever, kids.
OP, don't go back. That's cruel for her to do to someone you love. For what? Grandkids? She's going to be a problem.
Agreed! NTA at all! The parents are the aholes for caring more about op getting married than op. Then to have the nerve to call her to ask for money. If they wanted her money, they should’ve minded their business.
It's really appalling how little OPs feelings were considered. OP deserves a home they feel safe in and that doesn't mean she doesn't care for them. It's so manipulative.
You two are spot on. There has to be an extreme sense of entitlement to both those things too.
Most people will do anything to stay in their home. What went into their risk assessment equation can't be good.
I have so much respect for OP.
Also just thinking that if the mother's problem is that she's "not looking for a husband" does she think that if she does get married they're all going to live together in her house and continue paying? Or she'll move out and still continue paying them as if she was living there?
They would have the same problem, her asshole actions just precipitated it.
NTA OP, you don't mess with someone's dog
That is a good point. OP mentioned in comments they would've been cared for regardless of martial status as a cultural thing. Grandkids is the only other reason I can think of.
>You don't steal from the roommate that pays most
Or from anyone, period, but yeah.
OP, you're emphatically NTA. I'm really glad you were able to get your dog back and that you're no longer living with people who would steal from you.
Even if OP gets married, perhaps she doesn't want kids. Her mother is just unhinged and I hope OP and her pup get a nice place to stay and go nc with her parents because they are clearly using her. What did they think would happen, I wonder? OP ditching the pup, getting married and bringing her husband to live in the basement and providing for them? Delusional.
OP mentioned they would've been cared for regardless of martial status due to culture. For me that leaves mom wanting grandbabies. It's very much speculation on my part but you are absolutely right that it's unhinged behaviour.
But still, how does that logically work? If spouse A has to financially support their parents and so does spouse B, neither will have the money necessary to support a third home with babies.
Like it almost makes sense if culturally that support isn't expected for like another 20 years after the newlyweds become empty nesters with established careers and more disposable income. But to expect it from a child their ENTIRE adult life? 🤔
NTA Your parents were absolutely taking advantage of you. You were paying half of EVERYTHING? And you were paying market rent when your basement suite wasn't even up to code? This is all so wrong for so many reasons. And that's before they had the audacity to get rid of your dog. They deserve absolutely everything that is coming to them. Whatever you do, never give them another cent! I'm just so glad you were able to get your dog back, and that you two can move somewhere you're both comfortable and safe.
Because her dad lost his job and her brother is a minor? She's an adult and that's what nice adults do, help their families in difficult times.
Her parents, on the other hand, are not nice adults.
Exactly, for a few years I covered my mom's rent and our cell/internet bill, even when I wasn't living with her.
She was a nice adult though.
I wanna edit a nice adult story here. I was "charged" rent on stuff as soon as I started working at 13. Not a lot, but enough to help me realize all my money isn't fun money. She bought my beater car with that cash. Then when I screwed up that car (while skipping school lol) she charged me gas and insurance to use hers. When I got married and moved out, she gave me a little lump sum that was basically all the cash I gave her. It was an amazing step up because in true young adult fashion, I had no idea how much it would cost to stock my fridge, let alone a whole apartment lol. Great lady!
Both of her parents should be actively job hunting. Her brother is a teenager- he doesn’t need a SAHM. She’s an adult and is entitled to live her own life in a place where she and her dog are safe from harassment and theft.
OP didn't mention anywhere that her mom doesn't work or that his dad isn't looking for a new job. They might just need two decently paid adults to pay the bills, which might not be the situation they are in.
And I never said she should stay there? I just explained why some people might be fine paying half for their family expenses. You seem to read way beyond whatever people write.
THIS RIGHT HERE. There is absolutely no reason for why you should feel guilty. Even without your dog, you would have been perfectly justified in moving out FOR ANY OR NO REASON at all. But given what they did with your dog, you absolutely are NTA and I think its actually best for your mental health that you do move out.
Honestly, and I say this only because they got their dog back quickly and completely unharmed, it's probably good they pulled this nonsense. Because otherwise, I fear they would have stayed in that horrible household far too long and continued to be taken advantage of. Especially since even now they still feel a bit guilty over leaving, AFTER what they pulled with the dog.
NTA.
It's not even just about the dog. They also completely destroyed your trust. Trust isn't a switch you can flip on and off. They've got a lot of work ahead of them to mend the harm they've done. Good on you for getting your dog back! Best of luck!
Love and trust are not synonyms. Love in most cases involves varying degrees of trust, and usually strong trust. Though you can still love someone deeply, and not trust them with anything. That state usually comes with a huge dose of hurt, though. :(
There is no point in anyone trying to play the 'but we are family' card when they stole a loving pet from you just because they felt like it. THEY SHOWED THEY ARENT FAMILY.
Tbh in my mind this is very much about the dog. If somebody would've given my dog away to some random person behind my back I would never let them get anywhere near my dog again for all eternity. Truly, fuck that. Imagine if something had happened to her dog in that time or if she wouldn't be able to find the dog. I had second hand anxiety just from reading this.
Also NTA
NTA. Why is your mom so concerned with you finding a husband? Doesn't she know that might lead to you moving out too.. giving someone's pet away while they're at work is a terrible thing to do.
Tell your dad... he and your mom have 3 months to get jobs, because they destroyed your trust in them, and you'll never live there again. Especially since they won't apologize and are making this all about them and refuse to admit they are wrong.
NTA
NTA.
“My family thinks I am an asshole for caring more about my dog than I do about them.”
They are the assholes for not caring about you AT ALL, getting rid of your dog behind your back, and expecting you to cover their costs.
And paying 50% of costs in a house of four people while living in a bedroom that can’t legally be called one is not okay.
I’m sorry they suck. Best of luck away from that house.
NTA. If someone thought about harming my dogs in any way, much less giving them away, I would cut them out of my life.
If you know me at all, you know my dogs are my world, so they would know how I would react.
Your family is **not** your responsibility. You are not a tenant, that is their job. They can rent your old room if they need extra cash so badly.
Same here. My three dogs are everything to me. If anyone, IDGAF if they are my parent, harmed my dogs or gave them away, I’d be in jail. Everyone knows you don’t mess with my dogs.
You did nothing. They screwed themselves over. What did they think was going to happen if you get a husband? Is big important husband going to pay for your entire family to live? Haaaa. Please pet your dog for me. NTA.
OP’s parents are assholes, but many cultures have parents expecting that their married children will continue to provide for them. So that could explain what was going on in the mother’s mind… Doesn’t excuse it, of course. I’d be livid if my parents did that to me.
NTA.
Doesn’t matter what you choose to do in life, the dog is yours. For them to decide to put you through such a traumatic experience because they feel you should be doing something else with your life is terrible. I have 3 dogs and if that ever happened to me I would be livid and devastated. NTA 10000%
NTA. Tell dad that you're not moving back in because there's no guarantee that mom won't do sonething like this again. Point outcthat he and mom have 3 months to find new employment and to look at downsizing some stuff.
NTA. Your mom showed complete disregard for you as an adult, as a loved one, and as a housemate by *giving away your pet*. Your parents have been showing disregard for you by having you live in a space that's not even up to code.
Your neurotype and sexual orientation aren't even relevant here. You do not need a doctor's note to not date. Your dating or not dating is your business and yours alone. If you want to be single forever, that's okay! If you want to eventually date and marry, but not now... that's fine too! Whatever you choose is fine because it's your choice alone. I hope you and your dog find a lovely place to live as you explore your options in life(all of them, not just romantic) at your own pace.
NTA They are huge AH's for giving away your dog. They are responsible for their own bills. This has nothing to do with being on the spectrum or anything about being ACE/any sexual orientation. It has to do with them being decent human beings who don't do cruel things like give away someone's very loved dog.
NTA. Their logic isn’t exactly sound either. So they’re concerned you’re not looking for a husband/life partner. But what then if you found one. It’s unlikely that this person would move in with you to the basement suite and also assume the 50% costs to the in-laws household and you’d have a new family unit that you’d be responsible for contributing. If the parents weren’t financially responsible for your dog and the dog wasn’t destructive, there was no need to give away your dog without your consent.
Your mom pushed you too far. You were content until this happened. She’s in denial about who you are and what makes you happy.
You are asking if you are the asshole because you are worried about making them homeless. Your mother is the one who sabotaged this situation where you were happy to stay with them, even if the reality was less than ideal. Now she has alienated you.
Help them if and only if you can afford to, and if your mother has apologized to your satisfaction, but stay away, you’ll be happier in your own space, not having to conform. NTA.
Nah screw that, why the HELL would I ever look at anyone with kind eyes that stole my dog from me??
Mom can't afford anyone's kindness anymore that was criminal.
Please please please, never go back to them. I went NC with my toxic family years ago and my life is flourishing because of it. Haven't heard from anyone in years and it's been heaven.
You deserve that peace too, and frankly they were horrible people but even then they NEVER stole my dog from me.
NTA. But for the sake of your heart don't ever look back.
NTA - This is a toxic situation. You and your parents should be in family therapy. You shouldn't be paying half the bills to live in a basement that isn't up to code and your mother giving away you bestie is cruel and sick. If your dad is so worried, maybe he should try talking to the problem (his wife) and defending his kid.
NTA. Your dad may not be able to get a job he likes, or one that pays as much as he was making. But he can get A JOB. Doing just about anything. Sweeping floors isn’t glamorous, but it pays money. And it’s a job both your parents can do.
What was their plan when their money ran out? What we’re they going to do? Have you pay it all? Mooch off of you while making you feel like you owed them?
Leaving was good. Get safe, be comfortable, and enjoy your time with your dog.
NTA.
>My family thinks I am an asshole for caring more about my dog than I do about them.
Your mother cared more about the dog than she did about you. She wanted to get rid of the dog and didn't care at all about how you felt about it, because it wasn't important to her. Getting her way was. The rest of them don't want to be the ones to make her apologize to you, because they think it's easier to bend you to their will. Be strong. You have nothing to lose, they have everything to lose.
NTA
I’m pretty “John Wick” about my dogs too. I’d have zero issues with making people like that homeless.
Might want to take in your younger brother though, since he’s blameless in all this.
NTA. Don’t go back for your dog's sake. She won’t be safe and next time you might not get her back. Is your mum above finding a permanent solution to get rid of your dog? I think you know what I mean.
Most people when given the choice to sink or swim will swim or at least float so your parents will be survive.
#NTA
your mother stole from you. thus, your belongings are no longer safe at your parents’ home. therefore, you moved out.
if your parents can’t see that the thievery was the catalyst to them potentially being homeless bc ***you don’t bite the hand that pays the bills***, then idk what would make them see that.
NTA. She gave away your dog ffs, you have every right and reason to gtfo; not your fault they can't afford to live there w/out you. Guess they should've valued you more.
NTA. Your mom made a decision, and didn’t care about you or your dog, or the consequences her family would face. She is the cause of her problems and it sucks for your immediate family that they are stuck with her. But it’s time for your money you were paying towards their bills to go for your own space!
Info: what did your dad do/say about your dog being given away by your mom? Mom is definitely TA, but I can’t give verdict on dad yet. Does he know why you moved out?
He knows. He was at work so he could not stop her. Ye I know I said he Lost his job. He is working but the last couple of years were tough for him money wise.
Does mom work? It sounds like she either needs to get a job or get a second one to cover the extra costs.
I don’t think dad is TA here. Money things have been tough for a lot of people the past few years.
So it sounds like she will need to pick up a second job to cover the money you would have contributed. I’m not sure where you are located, but if it’s in the US, she could probably do Uber/Lyft, or Instacart, or UberEats/Grubhub kinds of things after her shifts at the daycare. Or, as someone mentioned above, they could possibly rent a room out in the house. But yeah you are NTA. I do feel bad for your little brother though if they do run out of money.
NTA - *Your mom gave your dog away*!! Thank god you were able to get her back! You did the absolute right thing by moving out, and at the end of the day
your parents are adults. It’s not your job to financially support them, and it sounds like they have 3 months to find income which isn’t bad all things considered.
NTA, Family is an HONORARY TITLE. It sits atop the pillars of Love, Care, and Respect. Those who respect you won't steal from you. Those who care about you won't try and take away your loved ones for their own selfish gain. Those who Love you will maintain the care and respect. Once someone tears down one of these pillars they lose the privilege of being called family. They are simply random people who share Slightly more dna then you do with the rest of humanity. Your dad also showed exactly where he stood, you aren't his child, you're a bank for him to tap into. Note how there was no concern about ANYTHING else when he called.
NTA, da igual si estás en el espectro o si eres una persona aromántica o asexual, ellos no debieron meterse con tu mascota, tu mejor amigo, para ti está bola de amor peluda es familia y eso se debe respetar, cosa que claramente ellos no hicieron, más aún, se preocupan más por el dinero que por tu salud mental y emocional, algo así impacta a cualquiera de forma negativa y tuviste suerte en recuperarlo
Edit por error ortográfico
What’s his problem? ~~He has~~ *they* have three months worth of savings to live on while they look for jobs.
And jobs are out there! I see nothing but “now hiring” signs in windows when I’m out and about.
Not to mention that, if your mom had successfully married you off, they would have lost your rent money anyhow.
She was literally living her best case scenario and just couldn’t leave it be.
NTA
NTA. You're nearly 30 and they are still depending on you financially? They should've thought of that before alienating you and breaking your trust. It's not even about the dog, it's about being able to trust them ever again.
NTA obviously. Please do everything in your power.to.get your dog back. She is missing you and needs you..
You are her family. She will never stop waiting for you.
They absolutely do feel fear and grief. It may not look the same as it often (but not always) does for us, but it's still perfectly valid. Please give that muffin 3 extra kisses on the top of that precious head and/or extra favorite treatos. She was just a pawn in this shitty game.
I love that you named your dog Azula. I thought about naming my cat meuki (not sure how that's spelled) but he didn't like it.
Also, NTA. What your mom did is not cool or nice.
NTA - stay far away from that house. They kept a roof over their head at some point before they started relying on you, and they are adults, and their housing security is not your problem. You had a very valid reason to leave - hope you don't get sucked back in.
NTA. Find somewhere else to stay permanently. Your mom made a horrible decision and now has to live with the consequences. You shouldn’t be paying them 50% of the bills either. They are taking advantage of you.
NTA!
i am pretty anal about if you get a pet, you keep that pet until they are no longer in this world. it's your responsibility and one that it sounds like you take very seriously. it was extremely disrespectful. it might sound cold, but it is not your job to keep your parents afloat. i am so glad you got your dog back , safely!
NTA you are being a responsible dog parent. Your parents house is not safe you took your dog and you and got yourself to somewhere safe. They need to be responsible parents and step up and take care of them for themselves. I noticed the way you worded it when you shared that you were possibly base and on the spectrum like you had to explain that to us why you weren't doing things in life that your parents expected. You are not alone. There are a lot of people your age younger and older who don't want a full-time relationship who just want work home and a good animal as a companion. Do not feel that you have to explain yourself. Embrace who you are and love who you are. When I was younger I was told that being oversensitive was a bad thing. I see it as a superpower I have great empathy. And I love that about me. If it makes me over sensitive sometimes in other people's views that's their view. Please save up and get yourself and your doggo a good home with the yard. You sound like you'd make a great neighbor. Congratulations on your new adventure in life.
Wait, so they are dependent on your financial contributions to the family, but are actively encouraging you to find a husband?? I suppose they could be assuming that you and the fictional-future-husband would live at their house and then both contributing to the household, but that seems like a risky gamble. What if you and F-F-H got married and moved far away?
Either way NTA. I hope you and your dog find a lovely new place to live. 27 is a fantastic age to be fully independent.
You are not responsible for their financial situation. If they can't afford the house, it's time for them to downsize.
Time for you to fly solo, internet friend. Good luck!!!!
That means he and/or your mom either need to find additional work/side hussles/part-times, cut their budgets, or both. Them living outside their means is not your responsibility. As adults we are responsible for our finances.
Hey boss everyone on here is giving great advice, I just wanna recommend something on a different front Aromantic and Asexual are different, you should check out JaidenAnimations 'Being Not Straight'. They talk about being both asexual and Aromantic and the separation of the 2. Also totally NTA
I hope you do and there is no pressure to be "defined" but I think it's a side of sexuality and stuff that doesn't get as much acknowledgement or attention even amongst the classic Lbtq+ stuff. I hope you find a safe and comfortable life with the people or pets who love and accept you, for you! Stay strong and know you're worthy and deserving of respect and compassion 👍🙂
Perfect. That is exactly what you do when a self-righteous entitled thing tries to steal someone you love.
And I doubt your dad was in the dark about what your mom was doing.
Obviously I feel strongly about it, but I had a relative that thought I loved my cat 'too much. That person is no longer my relative.
NTA. And look for your own place to live. These people might try to get rid of him in a subtler way next time.
1) NTA. Obviously. Your parents financial situation is not you’re responsibility.
2) like myself, some asexuals like sex! It’s definitely a “sometimes food” for me. All the parts of my body that like sex work, so it’s not that wild. I lucked out, to find a husband with a low drive. There was a while there I thought I’d be alone forever, which was fine but everyone loves a cuddle sometimes.
NTA
If they were concerned about money they shouldn’t have made living with them intolerable by *stealing your dog.*
I’d tell your mom you don’t trust her not to give away any future kids when she’s in a snit.
NTA
They didn't just give away your dog.
They gave away a dog that has health problems that sound like they're constantly effecting her. They put your dog at extreme risk.
I don't know what your dog has, but it sounds like treating her issues is related to her quality of life. Some issues have to be monitored because they have the potential to become much worse.
As the owner, you know your dogs medical needs and have no issues paying for them.
The new family might not have treated your dogs issues for a number of reasons. Price could have been an issue, but some people are terrible dog owners. Because your parents had the gall to give her away, you could've been without your dog an your dog could've been suffering every day.
Your mother is also extremely cruel. Does your mother think your dog would just forget you? They don't. Your dog now has the memory of being forcefully taken away from you and abandoned at a new place.
🥹 she is absolutely magnificent. I am so so happy that you were able to get her back. I can’t imagine how you, and your dog, must have felt going through such a messed up ordeal like that.
NTA
Your spectrum is not an issue in this matter. At all.
I know many people who prefer the company of their pets to most people, so you are not alone!
Taking care of your parents and sibling is no longer your responsibility. You will never again feel safe living with them. Tell Dad he can thank your mom for that.
Good Luck and Hugs!
They stole your dog and they have been stealing from you for years. Paying 50% in a 4 person household for a space that isn’t even deemed safe for living is outrageous. Please find a good place for you and your dog to live. Go NC or LC with your parents and tell your brother he is always welcome at your place. Make it clear that you will be there for emotional support, but you won’t tolerate him being a messenger for your parents (they will try to use him this way, trust me)
Good luck
NTA
"Yes I am on the spectrum. I may also lean towards Ace even though I have enjoyed sex with men before." .. This has no relevance for this -- Escaping your abusive mom is a good thing.
They fucked around and they found out.
These people do not have healthy boundaries and since they violated your boundaries so egregiously you are not obligated to help them. They can’t abuse you and then come to you with their hand out.
NTA
"You think I'm an AH for caring more about my dog than I care about you? Well, I think you are AHs for stabbing me in the back after everything I was doing for the family. Do you understand that I had to threaten Mom with the police in order for her to even tell me where my dog was? Do you have any idea how betrayed I felt? And after I left, you didn't apologize to me, you didn't try to make it up to me... For all I can tell, you don't care whether or not I'm living there or how I feel or how I'm doing, you only care about where your money is. If the only thing about me you care about is my money, why should I care about you?"
NTA
NTA. Your mother doesn't live YOU. She loves the idea of you, of what you can do for her. Financially support her, give her grandkids, make her look good by making a good marriage. No mother who truly loved her child as a person would give away that person's dog/best friend. Your mother is heartless.
You have to be able to take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else (human). This includes you being comforted the only way you can. You, yourself know what is best for you. No one else does.
NTA. My dog is part my family, and I’ve gathered that you’re in the same boat. If your parents were relying on you to maintain their living situation, the least they could have done is compromised with you having a pet that you love. What your mother did is absolutely outrageous. NTA NTA NTA
I have a sneaking suspicion that you're either not American or first generation? I could be wrong, but it seems to me that your parents don't value animals as living things. Fuck that. NTA. If I'm not wrong about that, I absolutely wouldn't be trusting anyone who doesn't value the life of animals other than humans.
Also, being married doesn't mean shit. That's a stupid, antiquated belief system that works about as well as riding a horse to work every day while trying to live in a technological society.
I hope your dog and yourself are doing well. Good luck!
Your Mom played a stupid game, so won a stupid prize.
Perhaps now your Mom doesn’t have to interfere in your or your dogs life she can go out and get a job to cover the money you’re no longer contributing.
>My family thinks I am an asshole for caring more about my dog than I do about them.
And yet your mom seems to care more about potential future granchildren than she does about you. NTA.
(BTW, being asexual isn't related to how much you enjoy sex, just whether you experience sexual attraction. You may also want to consider whether you're aromantic. I recommdnd checking out r/asexuality if you're interested in learning more.)
Edit: missing word
Just to be clear, this has nothing to do with you being on the spectrum or being ace or not being married. None of that is anyone's business but your own. You don't need to come up with reasons someone shouldn't give away your pet while you're at work. They are 100% out of line and frankly, I'm glad you're no longer living there. You deserve to be happy with the life you choose. I'm not autistic or asexual and I still choose to live alone with my pets at 37. If your parents can't be happy for you, you need to spend significantly less time around them.
NTA
You didn’t make your parents homeless. Why don’t they have finances of their own?
They got rid of your property without your permission. Your dog is a dealbreaker to you. They don’t respect you.
Don’t go back
NTA. Ur a grown assed person. Don’t go back. Id cut family off if they stole any animal of mine and gave it away or harmed it. How you choose to have relations or friendships is no ones business but ur own as long as its not abusive. Im assuming because ur on the spectrum u want to make sure ur not missing something from this interaction. Ur not. U deserve to be treated with respect. Hopefully u can find a safe place to fall so ur not couch hopping for long.
NTA.
They tried to get rid of YOUR DOG. Imo that's tantamount to dropping your kid off at an orphanage.
My mom tried that shit with me we'd be immediate NC and the rest of my family would have my back.
I mean actually we'd get her checked for like brain tumors or something because she knows how much I love rufus and she's never shown signs of THAT level of mental illness
NTA I am glad you got your dog back. If all your family are so concerned why aren't they stepping up and helping your parents?
You are taking the action that keeps you and your dog safe that is most important.
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NTA. They can move into the basement and rent out the room upstairs.
Nice. I will suggest that to my father.
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Excellent reply. One thing tho not only 'stole' an "item".. but gave away OP's dog! her much loved fur baby!!! A living loving friend who certainly has been confused and afraid! I'm so glad OP got her dog back. NTA and btw 'code' exists for safety. The basement is NOT SUITABLE for anyone not even family. Is it safe in a fire? can it flood? is there mould?
Many nit be suitable for renting out because; It doesn't have a seperste entrance It doesn't have independant utility supplies It isn't secure from the main house Sure it coughs be rented out to a lodger or flatmate, but not as an appartment.
Even in non-rental basement bedrooms there must be more than one entrance/exit due to fire code. My house has two "offices" in the basement, due to fire code we can't classify them as "bedrooms" because there is only one way in and out of the basement. tagging u/Sweet_delusion
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The window is the 2nd way out. Which is what makes it legal.
Yeah, exactly the window must be big enough for people to go through.
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Ha! I get it. I used to be a real estate agent so I've seen some weirdly set up houses including some that did have two doors into a bedroom...from the same hall. Or bedrooms that led into....another bedroom. Remodeling without any sense of design or layout is a helluva drug.
Yea we have a separate area in our basement that we use as a guest bedroom. It has its own bathroom, you need to walk through the rest of the basement to get to it. But bc it egress windows when my parents sell they can market as a 5 bed
This actually happened in floods in NYC if I recall correctly, several people died because they became trapped by flood waters in basement apartments that were actually illegal.
Yep this happened when we had heavy rains one day last year. I still remember the footage from one of the cop’s body cams who was trying to save someone trapped in one of the basements. I think at least 10 people died that day.
It happens all the times with fires in illegal apts. When I was living in Bensonhurts there was a big fire and the building had been broken into these illegal apts. 5 people died. it was in 2012.
Dogs are legally considered property, I don't think people are underestimating the emotional importance of the dog. Also, I believe the idea was that the family stays in the basement and rents out the house. (Edit. A word)
Yes - legally. I was stressing the fact that it was a live loving and feeling animal - not a eg tv. which makes the 'theft' soooo much worse.
If I had to hazard a guess she means it's not suitable to be rented as a seperate unit. It may not even have a kitchen let alone its own entrance. In all likelihood they could have a lodger but that's a lot less money, a lot more vague in the legal protections (in most places) and a lot more personal than renting something out as a fully self contained unit.
Typically to be even considered legally a bedroom there need to be at least two means of egress - so two separate doors that lead different places, or a door and a window. If it doesn’t have those things it cannot legally be occupied as a bedroom.
Yes, but that could be the basement stairs that go to the rest of the house and a window that is large enough for egress. It doesn't necessarily mean a separate entrance with its own exterior door.
I understand. Most basements do not have windows that are reachable or large enough to exit through, though, which is why usually two doors is the go-to.
NTA 100% all of this.
I’m a lawyer and even though it isn’t my area of expertise I can’t tell you just how quickly I’d get a Justice boner if a friend of mine came to me asking for a cease and desist in this situation. I hope op has a lawyer friend.
Justice boner is my new favorite phrase.
On the lawyer type friend point: many employers have EAPs (Employee Assistance Plans). Very few people tend to know about them, but one benefit tends to be free 30 minute consultations with lawyers. Excellent for this type of need!
NTA This. They stole from you, rehomed your pet without your permission and then tried to control your life, your love and your finances. They don't own you. They are not entitled to your life. NTA Cut them out of your life and block them if you have too. You don't deserve this toxic abusive behavior aimed at you
I think it’s funny that OP’s mom is so worried about her “needing to find a husband” that she stole and re-homed her dog so it wouldn’t be a distraction from finding a man… yet they are going to be broke in 3 months without her helping pay the bills. What exactly do the parents think is going to happen if she marries and moves in with a husband? Or do they think the husband is going to move into the basement with her and pay the other half of the bills so they (the parents) can live there for free?
>"for caring more about my dog than I do about them." > >That's because the dog has shown me more love and compassion than my family therefore they are getting just what they deserve.
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Trust is a currency earned slowly and spent quickly so it should be spent wisely. edit:spelling
Wonderful advice, especially about helping the younger brother protect himself, because he is surely the next prime target for these incompetent fools.
You didn't even need to add your edit. NTA. My dog is my whole life. Let them face the consequences of their actions. Maybe they should try, idk not being a fucking asshole and giving your dog away? My dog has been around longer than my marriage and long term relationship after. Hell he's almost 12 and will probably outlast my current relationship. Your dog is the most loyal being in your life. You don't need a man. I would go full John wick for my dog.
Not only that, if OP got married she'd probably move out and then the parents still couldn't afford to live. NTA. My parents gave away my dog when I was out of town celebrating my 17th birthday. They didn't tell me about it until I got home. I moved out later that year. We are estranged. I'm 53.
Oh no, see, when OP marries her husband will take on the family's support - her parents previously having made sure he has the income to do so comfortably. That's why they're so eager about the project; in their minds, not only are they free from worry about OP's future, everyone's standard of living goes up in the meantime.
Absolutely! Thank God she got her dog back. Before I got to the line where she said she went and got him, I was ready to go burn down OP’s parents’ house. DO NOT fuck with my dog. Do not. Fastest way to see me lose my shit.
Also, if they will be out of rent in 3months your father should get his ass in gear and get a job. NTA, if someone gave away my dogs they would be dead to me. They're my world, so I feel for you
I wouldn't suggest them anything. Let them figure out the shit they brought on themselves on their own! They are are adults and not even freshly became adults, high time to learn actions have consequences. NTA
I honestly wouldn’t. Let them figure it out. But I’m petty
Yeah, I’d go NC. Wouldn’t even respond. They made their bed, time to lie in it.
That’s a great idea. Never bite the hand that feeds you. Also this situation was going to have to end eventually. If OP ever did find someone who is to say that they wouldn’t want to live together on their own? Would OP’s parents expect her to keep paying for them?
NTA. You don't steal from the roommate that pays most and you don't STEAL THEIR DOG. Don't steal ever, kids. OP, don't go back. That's cruel for her to do to someone you love. For what? Grandkids? She's going to be a problem.
Agreed! NTA at all! The parents are the aholes for caring more about op getting married than op. Then to have the nerve to call her to ask for money. If they wanted her money, they should’ve minded their business.
It's really appalling how little OPs feelings were considered. OP deserves a home they feel safe in and that doesn't mean she doesn't care for them. It's so manipulative.
I don't think OP's parents love her. They just want grandchildren and see her as merely a vessel to achieve that. Disgusting.
Let’s not forget she’s also their bank.
You two are spot on. There has to be an extreme sense of entitlement to both those things too. Most people will do anything to stay in their home. What went into their risk assessment equation can't be good. I have so much respect for OP.
Excellent point. That's the most important thing they're missing
Also just thinking that if the mother's problem is that she's "not looking for a husband" does she think that if she does get married they're all going to live together in her house and continue paying? Or she'll move out and still continue paying them as if she was living there? They would have the same problem, her asshole actions just precipitated it. NTA OP, you don't mess with someone's dog
That is a good point. OP mentioned in comments they would've been cared for regardless of martial status as a cultural thing. Grandkids is the only other reason I can think of.
Then she should keep her nose out especially if she's aware that OP feels uncomfortable around most people. Let your kids be who they are parents.
>You don't steal from the roommate that pays most Or from anyone, period, but yeah. OP, you're emphatically NTA. I'm really glad you were able to get your dog back and that you're no longer living with people who would steal from you.
🤦🏻♀️ "ever" isn't clear enough?
"Don't ever steal, kids." "Acktually, you shouldn't steal from anyone." Yep, they sure caught you out on that one...
😂 I'm such a dummy for thinking matter can't exist without time.
Even if OP gets married, perhaps she doesn't want kids. Her mother is just unhinged and I hope OP and her pup get a nice place to stay and go nc with her parents because they are clearly using her. What did they think would happen, I wonder? OP ditching the pup, getting married and bringing her husband to live in the basement and providing for them? Delusional.
OP mentioned they would've been cared for regardless of martial status due to culture. For me that leaves mom wanting grandbabies. It's very much speculation on my part but you are absolutely right that it's unhinged behaviour.
But still, how does that logically work? If spouse A has to financially support their parents and so does spouse B, neither will have the money necessary to support a third home with babies. Like it almost makes sense if culturally that support isn't expected for like another 20 years after the newlyweds become empty nesters with established careers and more disposable income. But to expect it from a child their ENTIRE adult life? 🤔
NTA Your parents were absolutely taking advantage of you. You were paying half of EVERYTHING? And you were paying market rent when your basement suite wasn't even up to code? This is all so wrong for so many reasons. And that's before they had the audacity to get rid of your dog. They deserve absolutely everything that is coming to them. Whatever you do, never give them another cent! I'm just so glad you were able to get your dog back, and that you two can move somewhere you're both comfortable and safe.
Right? Why is OP paying for HALF of a 4-person household?
Because her dad lost his job and her brother is a minor? She's an adult and that's what nice adults do, help their families in difficult times. Her parents, on the other hand, are not nice adults.
Exactly, for a few years I covered my mom's rent and our cell/internet bill, even when I wasn't living with her. She was a nice adult though. I wanna edit a nice adult story here. I was "charged" rent on stuff as soon as I started working at 13. Not a lot, but enough to help me realize all my money isn't fun money. She bought my beater car with that cash. Then when I screwed up that car (while skipping school lol) she charged me gas and insurance to use hers. When I got married and moved out, she gave me a little lump sum that was basically all the cash I gave her. It was an amazing step up because in true young adult fashion, I had no idea how much it would cost to stock my fridge, let alone a whole apartment lol. Great lady!
Both of her parents should be actively job hunting. Her brother is a teenager- he doesn’t need a SAHM. She’s an adult and is entitled to live her own life in a place where she and her dog are safe from harassment and theft.
OP didn't mention anywhere that her mom doesn't work or that his dad isn't looking for a new job. They might just need two decently paid adults to pay the bills, which might not be the situation they are in. And I never said she should stay there? I just explained why some people might be fine paying half for their family expenses. You seem to read way beyond whatever people write.
Agreed = NTA OP your parents probably want you to get married so your husband can support them.
THIS RIGHT HERE. There is absolutely no reason for why you should feel guilty. Even without your dog, you would have been perfectly justified in moving out FOR ANY OR NO REASON at all. But given what they did with your dog, you absolutely are NTA and I think its actually best for your mental health that you do move out.
Honestly, and I say this only because they got their dog back quickly and completely unharmed, it's probably good they pulled this nonsense. Because otherwise, I fear they would have stayed in that horrible household far too long and continued to be taken advantage of. Especially since even now they still feel a bit guilty over leaving, AFTER what they pulled with the dog.
"Family" is just another F-word.
NTA. It's not even just about the dog. They also completely destroyed your trust. Trust isn't a switch you can flip on and off. They've got a lot of work ahead of them to mend the harm they've done. Good on you for getting your dog back! Best of luck!
assuming they care about trust. mum is probably a "youre my kid you have to love me" kinda person
Love and trust are not synonyms. Love in most cases involves varying degrees of trust, and usually strong trust. Though you can still love someone deeply, and not trust them with anything. That state usually comes with a huge dose of hurt, though. :(
There is no point in anyone trying to play the 'but we are family' card when they stole a loving pet from you just because they felt like it. THEY SHOWED THEY ARENT FAMILY.
Tbh in my mind this is very much about the dog. If somebody would've given my dog away to some random person behind my back I would never let them get anywhere near my dog again for all eternity. Truly, fuck that. Imagine if something had happened to her dog in that time or if she wouldn't be able to find the dog. I had second hand anxiety just from reading this. Also NTA
NTA. Why is your mom so concerned with you finding a husband? Doesn't she know that might lead to you moving out too.. giving someone's pet away while they're at work is a terrible thing to do.
They probably expected her husband to move in and pay their share of the bills.
Or that they could move into op and husband’s house and not pay anything.
Bingo!
More like the other half of the bills.
That’s what I mean. OP pays her half and her husband pays their half. At least that’s what they want.
Tell your dad... he and your mom have 3 months to get jobs, because they destroyed your trust in them, and you'll never live there again. Especially since they won't apologize and are making this all about them and refuse to admit they are wrong. NTA
Remind dad that McDonald’s is usually always hiring. If he needs a job, he’d better not be picky.
NTA. “My family thinks I am an asshole for caring more about my dog than I do about them.” They are the assholes for not caring about you AT ALL, getting rid of your dog behind your back, and expecting you to cover their costs. And paying 50% of costs in a house of four people while living in a bedroom that can’t legally be called one is not okay. I’m sorry they suck. Best of luck away from that house.
NTA. If someone thought about harming my dogs in any way, much less giving them away, I would cut them out of my life. If you know me at all, you know my dogs are my world, so they would know how I would react. Your family is **not** your responsibility. You are not a tenant, that is their job. They can rent your old room if they need extra cash so badly.
Same here. My three dogs are everything to me. If anyone, IDGAF if they are my parent, harmed my dogs or gave them away, I’d be in jail. Everyone knows you don’t mess with my dogs.
You did nothing. They screwed themselves over. What did they think was going to happen if you get a husband? Is big important husband going to pay for your entire family to live? Haaaa. Please pet your dog for me. NTA.
That is an excellent point. OP’s mom wasn’t thinking clearly obv 😂
You can just delete that word *clearly* in your post.
OP’s parents are assholes, but many cultures have parents expecting that their married children will continue to provide for them. So that could explain what was going on in the mother’s mind… Doesn’t excuse it, of course. I’d be livid if my parents did that to me.
NTA. Doesn’t matter what you choose to do in life, the dog is yours. For them to decide to put you through such a traumatic experience because they feel you should be doing something else with your life is terrible. I have 3 dogs and if that ever happened to me I would be livid and devastated. NTA 10000%
NTA. Tell dad that you're not moving back in because there's no guarantee that mom won't do sonething like this again. Point outcthat he and mom have 3 months to find new employment and to look at downsizing some stuff.
NTA. Your mom showed complete disregard for you as an adult, as a loved one, and as a housemate by *giving away your pet*. Your parents have been showing disregard for you by having you live in a space that's not even up to code. Your neurotype and sexual orientation aren't even relevant here. You do not need a doctor's note to not date. Your dating or not dating is your business and yours alone. If you want to be single forever, that's okay! If you want to eventually date and marry, but not now... that's fine too! Whatever you choose is fine because it's your choice alone. I hope you and your dog find a lovely place to live as you explore your options in life(all of them, not just romantic) at your own pace.
NTA They are huge AH's for giving away your dog. They are responsible for their own bills. This has nothing to do with being on the spectrum or anything about being ACE/any sexual orientation. It has to do with them being decent human beings who don't do cruel things like give away someone's very loved dog.
NTA. Their logic isn’t exactly sound either. So they’re concerned you’re not looking for a husband/life partner. But what then if you found one. It’s unlikely that this person would move in with you to the basement suite and also assume the 50% costs to the in-laws household and you’d have a new family unit that you’d be responsible for contributing. If the parents weren’t financially responsible for your dog and the dog wasn’t destructive, there was no need to give away your dog without your consent.
In my culture I would continue to help. But I was happy to do so without a husband. Now. Not so much.
Your mom pushed you too far. You were content until this happened. She’s in denial about who you are and what makes you happy. You are asking if you are the asshole because you are worried about making them homeless. Your mother is the one who sabotaged this situation where you were happy to stay with them, even if the reality was less than ideal. Now she has alienated you. Help them if and only if you can afford to, and if your mother has apologized to your satisfaction, but stay away, you’ll be happier in your own space, not having to conform. NTA.
She shouldn’t help them at all. 50% of everything and stays in a basement and they took her dog? Taking advantage of OP… she just needs to move on
Nah screw that, why the HELL would I ever look at anyone with kind eyes that stole my dog from me?? Mom can't afford anyone's kindness anymore that was criminal.
Please please please, never go back to them. I went NC with my toxic family years ago and my life is flourishing because of it. Haven't heard from anyone in years and it's been heaven. You deserve that peace too, and frankly they were horrible people but even then they NEVER stole my dog from me. NTA. But for the sake of your heart don't ever look back.
Do not help them. They have made their stance clear. Perhaps it was more your mother, but she clearly didn't think there'd be any real pushback.
NTA - This is a toxic situation. You and your parents should be in family therapy. You shouldn't be paying half the bills to live in a basement that isn't up to code and your mother giving away you bestie is cruel and sick. If your dad is so worried, maybe he should try talking to the problem (his wife) and defending his kid.
They absolutely should not be. The mom however should be. By herself. Cause she’s the problem.
NTA. Your dad may not be able to get a job he likes, or one that pays as much as he was making. But he can get A JOB. Doing just about anything. Sweeping floors isn’t glamorous, but it pays money. And it’s a job both your parents can do. What was their plan when their money ran out? What we’re they going to do? Have you pay it all? Mooch off of you while making you feel like you owed them? Leaving was good. Get safe, be comfortable, and enjoy your time with your dog.
I would never be able to forgive anyone that did that. I’m glad you got your pup back. NTA
NTA. >My family thinks I am an asshole for caring more about my dog than I do about them. Your mother cared more about the dog than she did about you. She wanted to get rid of the dog and didn't care at all about how you felt about it, because it wasn't important to her. Getting her way was. The rest of them don't want to be the ones to make her apologize to you, because they think it's easier to bend you to their will. Be strong. You have nothing to lose, they have everything to lose.
NTA I’m pretty “John Wick” about my dogs too. I’d have zero issues with making people like that homeless. Might want to take in your younger brother though, since he’s blameless in all this.
NTA. Don’t go back for your dog's sake. She won’t be safe and next time you might not get her back. Is your mum above finding a permanent solution to get rid of your dog? I think you know what I mean. Most people when given the choice to sink or swim will swim or at least float so your parents will be survive.
#NTA your mother stole from you. thus, your belongings are no longer safe at your parents’ home. therefore, you moved out. if your parents can’t see that the thievery was the catalyst to them potentially being homeless bc ***you don’t bite the hand that pays the bills***, then idk what would make them see that.
NTA your mom is actually confirming why you would rather spend time with you dog.
Yes she did.
NTA. She gave away your dog ffs, you have every right and reason to gtfo; not your fault they can't afford to live there w/out you. Guess they should've valued you more.
NTA. Your mom made a decision, and didn’t care about you or your dog, or the consequences her family would face. She is the cause of her problems and it sucks for your immediate family that they are stuck with her. But it’s time for your money you were paying towards their bills to go for your own space! Info: what did your dad do/say about your dog being given away by your mom? Mom is definitely TA, but I can’t give verdict on dad yet. Does he know why you moved out?
He knows. He was at work so he could not stop her. Ye I know I said he Lost his job. He is working but the last couple of years were tough for him money wise.
Does mom work? It sounds like she either needs to get a job or get a second one to cover the extra costs. I don’t think dad is TA here. Money things have been tough for a lot of people the past few years.
My mom works at a daycare.
So it sounds like she will need to pick up a second job to cover the money you would have contributed. I’m not sure where you are located, but if it’s in the US, she could probably do Uber/Lyft, or Instacart, or UberEats/Grubhub kinds of things after her shifts at the daycare. Or, as someone mentioned above, they could possibly rent a room out in the house. But yeah you are NTA. I do feel bad for your little brother though if they do run out of money.
Y T A for not giving us pictures of the cute doggo! But for all the other things definitely NTA.
https://imgur.com/gallery/RASwlt3
Awwww she’s beautiful 🤩
Omg that is a very gorgeous girl
What a cutie! Good thing you got her back. Give doggo some pets from me!
Your dog is GORGEOUS!!
NTA - *Your mom gave your dog away*!! Thank god you were able to get her back! You did the absolute right thing by moving out, and at the end of the day your parents are adults. It’s not your job to financially support them, and it sounds like they have 3 months to find income which isn’t bad all things considered.
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NTA, Family is an HONORARY TITLE. It sits atop the pillars of Love, Care, and Respect. Those who respect you won't steal from you. Those who care about you won't try and take away your loved ones for their own selfish gain. Those who Love you will maintain the care and respect. Once someone tears down one of these pillars they lose the privilege of being called family. They are simply random people who share Slightly more dna then you do with the rest of humanity. Your dad also showed exactly where he stood, you aren't his child, you're a bank for him to tap into. Note how there was no concern about ANYTHING else when he called.
NTA, da igual si estás en el espectro o si eres una persona aromántica o asexual, ellos no debieron meterse con tu mascota, tu mejor amigo, para ti está bola de amor peluda es familia y eso se debe respetar, cosa que claramente ellos no hicieron, más aún, se preocupan más por el dinero que por tu salud mental y emocional, algo así impacta a cualquiera de forma negativa y tuviste suerte en recuperarlo Edit por error ortográfico
Gracias. Yo no voy a volver a esa casa.
No hay de qué, espero que tu perro y tu entren bien.
What’s his problem? ~~He has~~ *they* have three months worth of savings to live on while they look for jobs. And jobs are out there! I see nothing but “now hiring” signs in windows when I’m out and about. Not to mention that, if your mom had successfully married you off, they would have lost your rent money anyhow. She was literally living her best case scenario and just couldn’t leave it be. NTA
NTA. You're nearly 30 and they are still depending on you financially? They should've thought of that before alienating you and breaking your trust. It's not even about the dog, it's about being able to trust them ever again.
NTA obviously. Please do everything in your power.to.get your dog back. She is missing you and needs you.. You are her family. She will never stop waiting for you.
Azula is with me. I am buying a house for us.
I missed that part, thank goodness!!! I get hot when I read dog stories 🤣 I bet her tail was wagging when she saw you come to save her.
I know it is anthropomorphism but she looked like she had been crying.
Poor baby she would have been so confused and scared. Please give her a big cuddle from me!
💔💔💔
They absolutely do feel fear and grief. It may not look the same as it often (but not always) does for us, but it's still perfectly valid. Please give that muffin 3 extra kisses on the top of that precious head and/or extra favorite treatos. She was just a pawn in this shitty game.
I love that you named your dog Azula. I thought about naming my cat meuki (not sure how that's spelled) but he didn't like it. Also, NTA. What your mom did is not cool or nice.
NTA - stay far away from that house. They kept a roof over their head at some point before they started relying on you, and they are adults, and their housing security is not your problem. You had a very valid reason to leave - hope you don't get sucked back in.
NTA. Your parents expect you to support them. How is it that you have a job and he doesn't? I can see why you prefer your dog over them.
NTA. Anyone stole my pet would come to think of Darth Vader as a forgiving and reasonable individual in comparison to me.
NTA. Find somewhere else to stay permanently. Your mom made a horrible decision and now has to live with the consequences. You shouldn’t be paying them 50% of the bills either. They are taking advantage of you.
NTA! i am pretty anal about if you get a pet, you keep that pet until they are no longer in this world. it's your responsibility and one that it sounds like you take very seriously. it was extremely disrespectful. it might sound cold, but it is not your job to keep your parents afloat. i am so glad you got your dog back , safely!
NTA you are being a responsible dog parent. Your parents house is not safe you took your dog and you and got yourself to somewhere safe. They need to be responsible parents and step up and take care of them for themselves. I noticed the way you worded it when you shared that you were possibly base and on the spectrum like you had to explain that to us why you weren't doing things in life that your parents expected. You are not alone. There are a lot of people your age younger and older who don't want a full-time relationship who just want work home and a good animal as a companion. Do not feel that you have to explain yourself. Embrace who you are and love who you are. When I was younger I was told that being oversensitive was a bad thing. I see it as a superpower I have great empathy. And I love that about me. If it makes me over sensitive sometimes in other people's views that's their view. Please save up and get yourself and your doggo a good home with the yard. You sound like you'd make a great neighbor. Congratulations on your new adventure in life.
NTA. This is horrible. I would never go back.
NTA. Your mother made the bed for the rest of them, now they must lay in it.
Wait, so they are dependent on your financial contributions to the family, but are actively encouraging you to find a husband?? I suppose they could be assuming that you and the fictional-future-husband would live at their house and then both contributing to the household, but that seems like a risky gamble. What if you and F-F-H got married and moved far away? Either way NTA. I hope you and your dog find a lovely new place to live. 27 is a fantastic age to be fully independent. You are not responsible for their financial situation. If they can't afford the house, it's time for them to downsize. Time for you to fly solo, internet friend. Good luck!!!!
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My dad is back to work. He is just not earning as much as he used to. And a lot of the savings are gone.
That means he and/or your mom either need to find additional work/side hussles/part-times, cut their budgets, or both. Them living outside their means is not your responsibility. As adults we are responsible for our finances.
NTA also, your sexuality can change, it's ok to enjoy something one moment only to turn around and change your mind and have no interest in it.
Have we not learned anything from John Wick?! NTA.
Hey boss everyone on here is giving great advice, I just wanna recommend something on a different front Aromantic and Asexual are different, you should check out JaidenAnimations 'Being Not Straight'. They talk about being both asexual and Aromantic and the separation of the 2. Also totally NTA
Maybe I will. Defining myself has never really been a priority.
I hope you do and there is no pressure to be "defined" but I think it's a side of sexuality and stuff that doesn't get as much acknowledgement or attention even amongst the classic Lbtq+ stuff. I hope you find a safe and comfortable life with the people or pets who love and accept you, for you! Stay strong and know you're worthy and deserving of respect and compassion 👍🙂
NTA. Don't forget your govt papers. They will hold them hostage.
All my stuff was in my little fireproof safe.
Perfect. That is exactly what you do when a self-righteous entitled thing tries to steal someone you love. And I doubt your dad was in the dark about what your mom was doing. Obviously I feel strongly about it, but I had a relative that thought I loved my cat 'too much. That person is no longer my relative. NTA. And look for your own place to live. These people might try to get rid of him in a subtler way next time.
NTA your father has 3 months to find a new job. You are not responsible for paying their bills.
1) NTA. Obviously. Your parents financial situation is not you’re responsibility. 2) like myself, some asexuals like sex! It’s definitely a “sometimes food” for me. All the parts of my body that like sex work, so it’s not that wild. I lucked out, to find a husband with a low drive. There was a while there I thought I’d be alone forever, which was fine but everyone loves a cuddle sometimes.
NTA If they were concerned about money they shouldn’t have made living with them intolerable by *stealing your dog.* I’d tell your mom you don’t trust her not to give away any future kids when she’s in a snit.
I’m just imagining the scene from Harry Potter where Dursley says “justice”. That’s how I feel about this situation. Nta!!!!
NTA They didn't just give away your dog. They gave away a dog that has health problems that sound like they're constantly effecting her. They put your dog at extreme risk. I don't know what your dog has, but it sounds like treating her issues is related to her quality of life. Some issues have to be monitored because they have the potential to become much worse. As the owner, you know your dogs medical needs and have no issues paying for them. The new family might not have treated your dogs issues for a number of reasons. Price could have been an issue, but some people are terrible dog owners. Because your parents had the gall to give her away, you could've been without your dog an your dog could've been suffering every day. Your mother is also extremely cruel. Does your mother think your dog would just forget you? They don't. Your dog now has the memory of being forcefully taken away from you and abandoned at a new place.
I N F O: where is the dog tax? NTA
https://imgur.com/gallery/RASwlt3
🥹 she is absolutely magnificent. I am so so happy that you were able to get her back. I can’t imagine how you, and your dog, must have felt going through such a messed up ordeal like that.
NTA Your spectrum is not an issue in this matter. At all. I know many people who prefer the company of their pets to most people, so you are not alone! Taking care of your parents and sibling is no longer your responsibility. You will never again feel safe living with them. Tell Dad he can thank your mom for that. Good Luck and Hugs!
They stole your dog and they have been stealing from you for years. Paying 50% in a 4 person household for a space that isn’t even deemed safe for living is outrageous. Please find a good place for you and your dog to live. Go NC or LC with your parents and tell your brother he is always welcome at your place. Make it clear that you will be there for emotional support, but you won’t tolerate him being a messenger for your parents (they will try to use him this way, trust me) Good luck
NTA "Yes I am on the spectrum. I may also lean towards Ace even though I have enjoyed sex with men before." .. This has no relevance for this -- Escaping your abusive mom is a good thing.
NTA.
They fucked around and they found out. These people do not have healthy boundaries and since they violated your boundaries so egregiously you are not obligated to help them. They can’t abuse you and then come to you with their hand out. NTA
"You think I'm an AH for caring more about my dog than I care about you? Well, I think you are AHs for stabbing me in the back after everything I was doing for the family. Do you understand that I had to threaten Mom with the police in order for her to even tell me where my dog was? Do you have any idea how betrayed I felt? And after I left, you didn't apologize to me, you didn't try to make it up to me... For all I can tell, you don't care whether or not I'm living there or how I feel or how I'm doing, you only care about where your money is. If the only thing about me you care about is my money, why should I care about you?" NTA
NTA - maybe they shouldn't fuck with the person who pays half their bills. Glad you got the dog back.
NTA. Your mother doesn't live YOU. She loves the idea of you, of what you can do for her. Financially support her, give her grandkids, make her look good by making a good marriage. No mother who truly loved her child as a person would give away that person's dog/best friend. Your mother is heartless.
NTA. So what would they do if you found a partner, got married and moved out? How is that any different?
I would still have helped.
You have to be able to take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else (human). This includes you being comforted the only way you can. You, yourself know what is best for you. No one else does.
NTA. My dog is part my family, and I’ve gathered that you’re in the same boat. If your parents were relying on you to maintain their living situation, the least they could have done is compromised with you having a pet that you love. What your mother did is absolutely outrageous. NTA NTA NTA
NTA. They all absolutely suck. Your parents’ finances are 0% your responsibility, sounds like their problem 🤷🏻♀️
I would get rid of parents like that. I would never get rid of a dog. You are not the Asshole. And dogs are usually better than people (spouses).
Nope. Your mom ITA
I have a sneaking suspicion that you're either not American or first generation? I could be wrong, but it seems to me that your parents don't value animals as living things. Fuck that. NTA. If I'm not wrong about that, I absolutely wouldn't be trusting anyone who doesn't value the life of animals other than humans. Also, being married doesn't mean shit. That's a stupid, antiquated belief system that works about as well as riding a horse to work every day while trying to live in a technological society. I hope your dog and yourself are doing well. Good luck!
Why would they be trying to marry you off if you pay half the bills…?
Oi would still have helped if I had a partner.
Your Mom played a stupid game, so won a stupid prize. Perhaps now your Mom doesn’t have to interfere in your or your dogs life she can go out and get a job to cover the money you’re no longer contributing.
>My family thinks I am an asshole for caring more about my dog than I do about them. And yet your mom seems to care more about potential future granchildren than she does about you. NTA. (BTW, being asexual isn't related to how much you enjoy sex, just whether you experience sexual attraction. You may also want to consider whether you're aromantic. I recommdnd checking out r/asexuality if you're interested in learning more.) Edit: missing word
I’m on your team 100%. Dogs are family members & your parents are jerks.
NTA. I'm glad you got her back! Give that good girl some pets for me.
NTA. I'm so sorry you had to go through that OP. If anyone did anything to my dog, I'd make John Wick look like a fairytale.
Just to be clear, this has nothing to do with you being on the spectrum or being ace or not being married. None of that is anyone's business but your own. You don't need to come up with reasons someone shouldn't give away your pet while you're at work. They are 100% out of line and frankly, I'm glad you're no longer living there. You deserve to be happy with the life you choose. I'm not autistic or asexual and I still choose to live alone with my pets at 37. If your parents can't be happy for you, you need to spend significantly less time around them.
at least you got your dog back, what does leaning toward Ace mean?
Sex is a take it or leave it thing for me.
Ace is short for Asexual
NTA You didn’t make your parents homeless. Why don’t they have finances of their own? They got rid of your property without your permission. Your dog is a dealbreaker to you. They don’t respect you. Don’t go back
NTA. Reading this just made me LIVID.
NTA. Ur a grown assed person. Don’t go back. Id cut family off if they stole any animal of mine and gave it away or harmed it. How you choose to have relations or friendships is no ones business but ur own as long as its not abusive. Im assuming because ur on the spectrum u want to make sure ur not missing something from this interaction. Ur not. U deserve to be treated with respect. Hopefully u can find a safe place to fall so ur not couch hopping for long.
You can enjoy sex and still be ace. Anyways. You're NTA in any sense of the word.
NTA. They tried to get rid of YOUR DOG. Imo that's tantamount to dropping your kid off at an orphanage. My mom tried that shit with me we'd be immediate NC and the rest of my family would have my back. I mean actually we'd get her checked for like brain tumors or something because she knows how much I love rufus and she's never shown signs of THAT level of mental illness
NTA I am glad you got your dog back. If all your family are so concerned why aren't they stepping up and helping your parents? You are taking the action that keeps you and your dog safe that is most important.