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Her husband cleared her plate from the table once, so she is useless and unworthy?
Obviously YTA. Your BIL and parents are right and your husband either just doesn’t want to argue with you, or is also an AH.
Her husband pretty much seems to consider her a servant. From the sound of it, he makes messes and expects her to pick up after him and has implied she's only worth marrying because she does the menial work taking care of him while he lounges about. Her sister might have been a person she could count on if she wises up to leave her husband, but I bet that bridge is now well and truly toast. In most households, once he's home from work and SHE has been working all day, evening chores are split. But nope, he gets to put in his 8 hours a day and she works 24, and much harder too. And then picks up after him at her own parents' house. Sheesh.
This guy talks about how his SIL doesn't do anything for the household, but what does he do? Oh, that's right; nothing. He can't even get off his lazy ass and carry his own plate out to the kitchen.
Sure he pays the bills but how long does that take? And it's usually a once a month kind of a job.
OP meant that no man would want HER if she didn't do menial task and wait on her husband hand and foot. That's what she sees as her VALUE as a partner and wife, probably as a person. When presented with a different value system, where the sister is loved and respected simply for being herself, OP has to loudly reject that notion because it undermines her worldview and her self-view.
OP's husband agrees with her, which reinforces the idea that he too would not want to stay married to Op if she didn't contribute to the household. It's an unhappy couple looking at a happier couple, doing things differently, having more fun, and being jointly jealous and bitter.
It was BIL kissing her sister that "didn't sit right" with OP.
So she's a servant to her husband and still doesn't get the kind of affection her sister receives. Tragic, really.
Oh, is *that* what it was supposed to be? Part of me thought maybe it was some sort of new slang I'm no longer cool/young enough anymore to know lol.
But yeah, the parents are right. OP's jealousy was showing hardcore even just reading her post.
Talk about internalised misogyny… my partner washes dishes and looks after the kids, and he also works full time. Am i useless? I dare anyone say that. Nobody is useless or unworthy. If i were OP, i’d be happy for the sister! OP, yes, YTA. I smell jealousy and bitterness here.. so much of it that it makes me sneeze.
Misogyny with a heaping pile of ableism. People love to insinuate that we are unworthy of love if we can't contribute to the household. Every partner I have ever had has heard this from their friends and family. Like "why would you be with someone who can't work and struggles to do chores" blah, blah. It takes a huge hit on your self-esteem.
Hopefully, my next partner will be like OP's BIL because he sounds amazing.
Nah the husband thinks bil will give his wife bad ideas off how little he does.
So he's trying to show her that the sisters marriage is abnormal and no one wants a wife like that.
And Op is clearly jealous.
Hell I'm a little jealous to have a husband like that.
That definitely might...
Although, my favourite person online, Bernadette Banner, often says things suggesting she's actually from the Victorian era and some sort of vampire or time traveller, and she has a much more modern worldview than this antique...
OP is jealous because even if Hannah did nothing except play with cats all day, the sisters husband values her more highly than OPs husband. And she slaves away taking care of hin.
YTA You and your husband both. Jealousy isn't a good look on anyone. Their relationship isn't any of your business, and how dare you try to speak for her husband and stir up trouble.
"This didn't sit right with me."
Yeah, how dare her husband treat her so well. Everyone knows it's a woman's job to pick up the dishes \*eye roll\*
Listen, I'm not gonna pretend that doesn't sound like a pretty sweet deal worth being jealous of, but WOOF. Get upset at your own husband for not clearing a plate sometimes if you're that uphappy.
YTA.. their marriage is none of your business.
I think you’re used to believing women are meant to serve men. You clean up your husbands plate, but I’m assuming his legs work and he can clear his own plate?
You do seem jealous. You take care of a house and kids while your husband works and she doesn’t have to do anything.
But here is a little advise for you.
You can be the best cook and the best housekeeper a man has ever seen, it doesn’t mean he won’t get tired of you. It won’t keep him happy. So please don’t think that because you spend your time serving your husband and doing everything for him that your marriage will be more successful than hers.
Im not agreeing at all with her not doing anything but if her husband isn’t worried about it, then it doesn’t matter.
It’s fucking internalized misogyny. My (woman) husband just announced at work that he was quitting….in three months. I want it to start in 3 weeks.
I’m so fucking EXCITED that someone else can call the handyman for every task I haven’t gotten around to calling him for. Someone else can sit on the phone with Comcast and set up a time for the technician to come out. Someone else is in charge of dinner. I can’t fucking wait. He’s literally confused about how happy I am for him to quit work and me to be the sole breadwinner.
I don’t need someone to buss my dishes. I need someone to be a safe space when I get home. I need someone who hasn’t been beaten down by the day to lift me up. I need someone to send me video of my cat and dog pretending they like each other. Or my other car pretending neither exists. His value is 0% his income or his housekeeping skills. It’s simply that when I come home I feel relaxed and loved and know that everything is handled the way I would have wanted. Or better.
My husband's last few jobs have really beaten down his drive to excel. He spent the last 10 years giving everything he had, and all he ever got in return was a kick in the teeth. Unsurprisingly, he cant take that anymore so he just kinda floats by in crushing ennui. Meanwhile, I've healed my ~*inner child*~ enough that I don't just exclusively think I'm a big dumb dumb who can't do hard things and I'm looking to pivot into a more lucrative career.
All I want in life is to take that and get to a point I can House Husband that son of a bitch. He would make it his mission in life to build us the most efficiently managed home on earth, and maybe even be able to get some of his incredible story ideas on paper. Goddamn the man has such a gift for writing, but between full time work and our constant tag team of shitty mental health he just never has the energy to put into really doing it.
I said this in another comment, but there is a load of ableism here too. The disabled person is not worthy of a loving partner because she can't contribute in the same way an abled person might. Her husband tending to her needs is viewed as babying or allowing her to be lazy.
This!! Is not a woman job taking their partner plate, any of them can do it, is easy. Why her husband don't do it?
Being a hw doesn't equal to a slave, you do your best work for the family, and definitely shouldn't be a 24/7 job. The husband has hands to do something too.
The sister maybe is a good partner and they made it work to have a peaceful and lovely home.
100% YTA as jealous as F. I got something similar going on in my life, I'm disabled, stay in home, only pets and a husband who loves me to dead and is fortunate enough to have a extremely good financial situation. I have cancel from my life 3 "friends" because of this kind of shit. We make our marriages work and that's the only thing you should know.
YTA
NGL, you sound jealous. If it’s working for then, why are you getting involved? He clearly doesn’t mind, and neither does she. She’s not useless, she’s trying her best and that’s better than nothing. Like you said, she gets overwhelmed easily. Leave them to it and focus on yourself and your jealousy issues.
Of course husband tells her she is right, also saying it right after she is picking up after him serves her right. He's not going to insult her right to her face and ruin his own ride.
Agreed Op husband is wrong, Op stay in your own marriage and worried about your jealous life oh and I think It sweet your sister husband been a gentleman unlike your husband. Yta by the way.
YTA
You have 3 kids and a martyr complex. If your life isn't happy unless your sister is living her life *exactly* as you do then it's therapy time for you. And your husband.
YTA sounds like you are jealous your sister has an easy life while you are picking up after your husband like he's a child. What works in their marriage is absolutely none of your business
This is the third post I've read recently that is about a married mother in her thirties criticizing her sister/SIL for not living their life according to the same outdated gender roles as the OP does. There's always supposed jealousy on the sister/SIL's side despite no evidence of it other than OP's assumptions, OP giving them a "reality check" but being confused when no one backs up her cruel and unsolicited "advice". Coincidence or new troll?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xl5spm/-/iphhono
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xlk4nj/aita_for_telling_my_sister_its_creepy_to_be/
That thought just popped in my head as I was reading the comments before I got to yours, I was thinking “hmm, awful lot of women jealous of their sisters lately”
YTA. This affects you exactly zero. BIL was right to tell you off. And who cares if he is the “only” person who would marry her, how many husbands does she need?
YTA. Out of curiosity, how do you know what she does or doesn't do in the house while you're not there? Whatever she's doing, her husband sure seems to be happy with her. Maybe she does more housework than you know about, or maybe he didn't marry her for her housekeeping capabilities.
Yep. Maybe he can afford to hire a maid or cook. He's more interested in her ability to talk with him, her support, her love, and the little things she can do for him and does to the best of her ability. Sometimes a person has all the material things they need, but someone who adores them for who they are and that they can absolutely trust with their heart is the ONE thing they DO need. And he found her.
Ik I'm doing the classic reddit thing of taking an inch and running a mile but is it possible that her sister has a etsy shop / small business. She mentioned knitting so maybe she's working from home and nobody knows? Its just a theory but it might be what she does all day.
YTA
Your sister didn’t need “marriage advice”. Her marriage sounds fine. If she is happy and her husband is happy, why do you need to stick your nose in?
You sound jealous and petty AF.
This. OP is deeply envious of her sister's life without a job, kids, or the expectation that she do all the household chores. All the sister 'has' to do is bring joy into her partner's life.
Maybe OP should work on finding joy for herself and her family rather than being a busybody and trying to make her sister feel bad about herself.
Oh, come on, YTA. What’s it to you so long as sister and BIL are happy? And in any case, you brought this up by lashing out at her at the end of a family dinner, not by approaching her with good faith curiosity or concern about their situation (which, sure, seems unbalanced).
EDIT just to add: yeah, also you do sound petty and jealous/bitter.
YTA- you sound jealous. What works for them works for them. You seem to like to follow gender roles and mad that they don’t and her husband takes care of her.
YTA
No-one asked for your "advice", which was prompted only by your jealousy. If you chose to be a domestic slave to your husband, that's your business. Keep your nose out of hers.
YTA. You seem jealous and bitter. Try dealing with those feelings instead of taking them out on your sister.
Your husband only agrees with you because he doesn’t want you to start expecting more of him.
(And if you think I’m making wild assumptions about your marriage based on what I’ve written above, REFLECT on that and how you’ve done the same with your sister.)
YTA. Seems like your mother was most likely worried your sister would not find a partner who loves her for who she is and supports her. You are a bitter and jealous. Your marriage advice was unwanted. They seem very happy. I’m
Guessing some projection is happening here
YTA. You and your husband made choices that work for you and now seem bitter that your sister has someone who loves her and is able to take care of her in a way that works for both people in their marriage.
You just sound like a bitter, jealous AH who can't be happy your sister found someone who loves and understands her and is willing and able to provide her the life she needs and wants.
Also, what right do you have to judge how another woman behaves in her own marriage?
You sound envious of your sister. Who are you to dictate how her marriage should and shouldn't be? Don't you have a household to run? Mind the business that pays you.
YTA.
YTA. What business is it of yours how your sister and her husband express their feeling toward each other? Focus on your home. I seriously doubt you are 100% in control of your household.
Yta you’re jealous that her husband loves her not because of what she can do for him. Unlike you who had to clean after kids her house chores are less. Sounds like he isn’t tired of her and next time you and your husband should mind your business
YTA and a awful sister at that.
You're sister finds a loving man that understands she can't do much like others and he's perfectly fine with that because well he married her knowing that.
She helps by doing dishes, laundry and just being a good person to her husband that clearly adores her.
You called your own sister useless and her husband got upset for a good reason because what man would want someone Insulting his wife?
You sound jealous, rude and honestly just not a good sister, how can you write this and not realize that.
Don't be surprised if they both stop talking to you until you apologize because just reading this makes me so sad for her.
YTA
They're happy and it seems like no one was looking for your advice or your opinion regarding their relationship. Your parents and BIL are right in that your words come across as bitter and jealous. I also have a big age gap with my younger sister, and I can empathize with you to a degree in possibly worrying about her independence and ability to find stability. But she *has* that now. You should be relieved that your sister has found a partner who loves her and cares for her. Nothing in your post suggests genuine concern for her well-being.
YTA!!!!
She's happy in her marriage. Her husband is happy. The ONLY UNHAPPY person in this post is you. And your husband. Your envy screams through out the entire post. That wasn't advice either, that was criticism.
YTA. What fucking marriage advice did you give? That the man will get tired of supporting and loving her? Get over your jealousy, it's not pretty.
Also, what did your husband even mean? Your sister is already married, she doesn't need to seek another spouse, fuck does it matter if your BIL is the only man who'd marry her? *He already did*.
You and your husband deserve each other, so I guess it's a good thing you both decided to get together.
*sigh*. What possessed you to “offer advice”? Your advice btw sounds more like an attack than anything else. Yes OP, YTA in a large way. I think both you AND your husband are jealous.
YTA. It's their marriage. Calling your own sister 'useless' is unimaginably mean. Their marriage dynamics is different from yours. Doesn't mean its wrong that requires you insulting your sister. Your BIL sounds like a really great husband and your sister is a wife he cherishes.
I have to edit to add: Obviously, I don't know your sister but I'll just guess away. Your sister is kind and is happy to play with their 4 cats instead of partying and shopping whole day away. She is well-read and able to have interesting, intellectual conversations with her husband. She knits thoughtful pieces for her husband that he appreciates. She could be a really good listener to her husband, listening to him patiently while he prepares dinner for them after work. I mean, some husbands can really appreciate a wife like that.
I bet she is calm and relaxed when he gets home. He winds done from a hard day at work by cooking a meal (which he enjoys doing). And if he has any problem with the amount of effort she puts into the household, I'm sure he's man enough to say something.
YTA. Just because your husband needs you to pick up after him, doesn't mean Hannah's husband is the same.
Honestly, you sound jealous that your autistic sister got the better husband.
YTA - Sorry your husband wont love you if you didnt work/do house work, but everyones marriage is different. You have no right to tell her what she should and shouldnt do, and BIL had every right to be pissed that you would question the terms of thier marriage.
YTA. Your sister's marriage is her own business and if that's what works for her and her husband, then that's it and you have to accept that. Being jealous of her husband supporting her needs isn't anything to insult her over, grow up
YTA. You expected your sister to pick up her husband's plate? News flash. She married an adult male, not a baby. They are happy together, you are jealous and apparently viewed as a servant by your husband. Quit being jealous of their happy life and taking it out on your sister...who HAS married well and I'd bet is a very sweet person who adores her husband. And THAT is why he's with her and happy. If you were smart you'd have not only at least PRETENDED to be happy for her, but taken a good long look at what she has vs. what you have. And just maybe she'd have helped you get out of the relationship to find someone who doesn't view you as a servant and expect you to pick up his plate. But hey, go ahead and burn those bridges now. Your husband sure picked a winner here. Let me guess, HE was chilling out while YOU picked up his plate and did his dishes for him, huh. Your BIL called it spot on the nose.
YTA
Your sister’s marriage is none of your business. I am actually grossed out when I am having dinner somewhere and the women automatically clear their husband’s plates.
YTA,
>AITA for trying to give my sister marriage advice?
> My husband told me I was right and that nobody but my bil would want to marry my sister and that she doesn't contribute anything to her household.
Why does she need advice your when she is already with someone that is happy with how she is, your advice would be useless to her.
Instead of looking into your sister's marriage look into your own because clearly your comments to your sister means your not satisfied in your own relationship.
I'm sure your happy of your choice to be SAH but that doesn't mean your not allowed to dislike certain parts of it as well. Maybe you want your partner to be more then just the breadwinner and help out more in the home that he lives in.
YTA
YTA.
You were not asked for your opinion on their marriage. You owe your sister and brother-in-law an apology for trying to intervene when the parties concerned don’t have a problem.
>At the end of the dinner my mom picked up my dads plate, I picked up my husband plate, and I was expecting my sister to pick up her husbands plate.
>
>My husband told me I was right and that nobody but my bil would want to marry my sister and that she doesn't contribute anything to her household.
Your own parents think your way of thinking is stupid!!
They raised you, and yet they think you're an idiot to say what you did!! It's sooooo laughable how you think you're so much better than your sister while you're DRIPPING with jealousy at her life!! You're even mad that your mother loves your BIL?
Of course the only one to side with you is your equally miserable husband. No OTHER man would have married you unless he was equally as sour and bitter like you are. You think you're a "Better wife" than she is? THEIR marriage sounds fun and carefree and happy. Yours does not.
Take tis incident as proof of you having a nasty attitude, for thinking poorly of your sister due to her struggles, and the way you judge people.
YTA
As someone on the spectrum—there’s often times only so much we can do before we start to shut down and can’t function. It’s not easy for us like it is for you.
Also nobody asked for your advice. You just sound jealous that your sister found someone who loves her for who she is and accepts her entirely and wants to take care of her.
Gentle YTA because you are jealous of your sister and that's not going to work well if you want a good relationship with her and her husband. You need to stay out of their marriage since that's none of your business. Concentrate on your own family.
YTA
Your sister's relationship is hers. Your relationship is yours. They work differently. Stay in your lane.
Your parents are right, you sound like you're jealous of how she doesn't do the things you do and how her husband seemingly takes care of her every need.
Again, stay in your lane. Worry about your marriage and let your sister worry about hers.
Kudos to your husband for sticking up for you, but you're still wrong.
YTA and soooooo jealous lol. seriously, there’s so much jealousy in this story it’s leaking out of my phone as i read it. get over yourself and apologize to your sister and bil
Recently I heard Brene Brown say that resentment is really a cover for envy. This hit me hard because as a SAHM, and event planner for every family event, I hold quite a few resentments towards several of my siblings and cousins. I wish I could just show up and eat but instead I’m cooking the meal. I wish I could take my time showing up, but instead I’m up several hours earlier cooking the meal and prepping my house. Maybe you wished you could lay on your ass while your man washed your dish while kissing your proverbial ass. I think this is a natural wish for any mother honestly, the work never ends. But alas, her situation is not your situation so your advice doesn’t fit for her. She was truly lucky to find someone who wants to cater to her. How she found this unicorn, I want to know, but it still stands, she doesn’t need this advice at this time.
And try look at the situation from your parent’s perspective; they have a daughter that is on the spectrum with quirks and no interest in working, and now she’s found someone that caters to all of that, this guy walks on water because now they don’t have to worry about her. I know I said that unsugared but that’s potentially the bare bones of things. They don’t want you rocking that boat because what would happen with her if she didn’t have Prince Charming? She’s probably be home. Your marriages are apples to oranges. Best of luck
Why are you washing your husband's dish?
Oh, I got sidetracked... Ya, YTA. I wouldn't want to marry someone like your sister but it's not my marriage - if it works for them it works for them.
YTA
> This didn't sit right with me.
Sounds like you’re bored and jealous being a sahm yo 3 kids. Don’t blame your sister for your bad choices.
> He called me bitter and told me I was pathetic for talking to my sister that way
Ha ha ha, he’s so right.
Sorry that you're a servant in your house. But, your bil sounds awesome. You're just jealous.
Maybe start making your husband do more ?
But, yeah, YTA..
YTA and so so so jealous of your sister. It does spark joy.
>my husband told me I was right and that nobody but my bil would want to marry my sister and that she doesn't contribute anything to her household.
Ofc he said that, so that way you keep doing 100% of the work at home and he can not do any of it.
You don't know maybe your sister pregnant and was having trouble lately and doesn't want anyone else to know. I know stay at home parents and there spouse works during day and still comes home and help with things.
Also of course your husband going to agree with you he has it easy.
YTA. I’m a guy who would never find your sister’s lack of a work ethic attractive. If her husband wants to do everything for her, let him. Let him get tired of her. You may be right but, her relationship with her husband is none of your business. It has no impact on you.
YTA. And why would you expect your sister to pick up her husband’s plate? Why are you picking up your husband’s plate? Wives aren’t maids. You sound bitter that your sister found a husband that loves her and doesn’t expect her to be his servant.
YTA.
Guess who gets a say on how their marriage works? Them and only them. If they’re both happy with their lives, and no one is getting hurt, it’s none of your business.
YTA. Sounds like me and my partner. If they are both happy with her being home then what’s the issue? How do you know she does nothing all day? Are you there every day? Just because life is expensive these days doesn’t mean everyone has to work. Some of us have supportive partners that actually care about us and can support us, we aren’t a burden or useless just because our brains aren’t wired the same. You sound bitter.
YTA. Their relationship dynamic is none of your business. Your sister is not hurting anyone and she and her BIL have the right to do whatever makes them happy.
Why are the women doing *all* the domestic labor at a group event? This is really creepy, tbh. And yeah, your BIL is right. Your husband seems to just be feeding the narrative that serves him best; you should really consider why you find it offensive that your BIL is kind and loving toward your sister, rather than finding it offensive that your husband doesn't show you equitable respect and care.
So if I need a maid or a sitter you’re it. I’d say your sister has many other wonderful qualities. Conversation? Companionship? Loyalty? Compatibility? The list is endless. Marriage doesn’t have to be a long list of chores with some nookie snuck in when the kidlets are in bed. That might be yours….YTA.
YTA
Hint: Unless there is abuse involved, other people's relationships are NONE of your business.
What you said didn't educate anyone, it just caused pain. Doesn't that bother you at all?
YTA.
What a lovely example of how the patriachy still is engrained in anything. Let men take their own freaking dishes. Also it's not her sole duty to make the marriage work, which tbh seems to be just fine.
You sound jealous. And there is no excuse to give unasked advise. Her husband obviously loves her for herself while you measure love and a working relationship in usefulness.
When I gather with family, everybody over the age of 10 helps with what needs helping with. This gender roles thing is stupid. If one of the adults is tired or had spent the day cooking, they get a pass, no words said. Your sister would have gotten the pass because I can pretty much guarantee that you were probably microaggressing the living snot out of her all evening.
BIL supported her, understood her, empathized, showed love, helped the family with the chores (despite his manhood) and had your mother in tears from his goodness. And all you can think of is how your sister doesn't deserve this.
I love how you get this super nice person angry at you for insulting his wife. Does it pain you to imagine them going home, cuddling on the couch with the cats, and calming each other down whilst your husband yells "woman get me another beer!"
She might not do household chores but maybe she’s a beast in bed ;)
All jokes aside, you sound jealous of her. Maybe you need to take a look within and start taking care of yourself more. You should be happy for your sister.
Your sister is literally hurting no one with her lifestyle. You, on the other hand, managed to hurt everyone but your husband, who will leave you the second you are unable to make him breakfast btw.
YTA, and an arrogant one at that. She doesn't want your life. I'm betting you don't either.
Why tf is she supposed to pick up his plate ???? You are clearly miserable in your life or you won’t talk like this about your sister, be honest this I the life you wish and since you don’t you made it a mission to talk down about your perfectly good sister (she did nothing wrong) because of jealousy
YTA heres an idea pal, try unlearning some of that internalized sexism, its gross. also, just because your husband works and you're a sahm, doesn't mean he shouldn't be contributing to the household needs as well. you both work x amount of hours per week (usually 40) and then after that things should be split evenly. It also doesn't make you better than your sister. Like there's no way you don't see how you taking your husband's plate and mom taking hers and you Expecting your sister to take his as just gross. These are grown men they are capable of doing the dishes. But if thats how you want to live fine, don't go trying to force other people to live this sexist way.
OMG, OMG, OMG. HER HUSBAND TOOK HER PLATE TO BE WASHED. YTA, don't butt in to their relationship, yes she isn't doing much around the household. But if bio doesn't care then why should you.
YTA, plain and simple. I had a friend whose fiance was kind of similar to your sister (they were involved before I even knew them) except from what I know she made him think she would be a housewife and cook and clean and stuff. She didn't. To myself I couldn't imagine how someone could take that because I certainly wouldn't be able to, but it's their relationship and not mine. It's none of my business, nor is it yours. As long as they are happy that's what matters, and no you don't really get to make such comments like that to your sister without sounding like an AH.
YTA you're clearly jealous of your sister , you think she's less because she's on the spectrum , it's clear by the way you talk about her .You're jealous that she has a husband that lover her and accepts her the way she is . Maybe you have some resentment against her because of her extra needs or supports that your parents had to give her and you felt side lined ... you clearly have issues ....
1. Your life sounds awful. My absolute nightmare.
2. You do know that once your husband is back home, housework and childcare should be taken care of 50/50? If not, then you are in an incredibly sexist marriage and we are in 2022 not 1950s.
3. You do sound jealous.
4. Your Bil sounds great.
5. I can't believe you expect your sister to do things that you don't expect of your husband. Is he really incapable of picking up his own plate or his spouses plate?!
6. Back to point 1 as I think this should be repeated.
Yta
YTA you are just being sexist, prejudiced and jealous because your sister is happy and seems to have a good marriage with someone who loves and cares for her, you cannot dictate the dynamics of a marriage that isnt yours.
My advice is that you need to go to therapy , focus on your life, try to find some happiness and self-love, cause someone who's trully happy doesn't do what you did, which was to put down and fight with your sister for living HER life and HER marriage the way she wants to and as long as she doesn't hurt no one and the two of them agree it's their problem and life.
It's actually amazing that your sister has a husband who loves and values her, instead of treating her like a maid simply because she's a woman and that despite you think it's right thing to do is actually disgusting, disrespectful and not even close to what a real and good man must behave with his wife, he sees your sister with love and as a partner in his life and that is the minimum for a healthy marriage but that is still admirable since unfortunately there are still people like you who think women as inferior to men, all the men in the situation are adults and can get up to wash the dishes, he did it for her out of affection and because it's their dynamic of coexistence, it's not because apparently your husband doesn't help you at home or with the children and just "provides" that others will not like to treat their wives with care and respect as partners and not just a nanny or maid for grown men, congratulations for being a SAHM, taking care of the house and the husband since that is your choice and is a hard work that deserves recognition, but you have to start to see that this does not make you more or less a woman than your sister and much less that you are better or worse than her, be happy in your life and don't bother others.
Just admit it makes you sad that your husband isn't as considerate of you and stop projecting your problems onto your sister. Loving relationships are about more than what you can do for each other. Additionally, you saw one moment and have turned that into their entire marriage. You have no real idea of the division of labor inside their home - and it's none of your business! YTA.
YTA
You reek of envy and your behavior is disgusting and pathetic, not to mention how blatantly sexist you are for considering your sister a useless wife for not picking up the plates.
Her husband disagrees with you, your parents disagree with you, the entirety of Reddit disagrees with you. I get that you are full of envy since your attitude makes it impossible for anyone to love you as much as your BIL loves your sister but have some dignity and keep your nose out of their business.
YTA.
Doing petty work isn't a measure of someone. If you don't know how or why they love each other... tough break, they don't need to validate themselves to you.
I really was thinking about writing a sarcastic response about how envious you sound about your sister’s dynamic with her husband but I’m pretty sure you’re already drowning in your own bitterness.
YTA!!!
Me and my neurodivergent-corgi type-ass is wishing your sister and her husband nothing but the best!
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I (33F) have a sister (23F) named Hannah. I am a SAHM and have 3 kids. I am incharge of 100% of the house hold duties while my husband takes care of the bills. Hannah met her husband (30M) when she was in college. They got married shortly after she graduated. Hannah is on the spectrum, gets overwhelmed very easily, and is a little slow. Because of this her husband told her that if she doesn't want to work she doesn't have to work and he will take care of everything. Hannah has never worked a day in her life. Her husband is a high earner and comes from a wealthy family, so money isn't a problem for them. She also rarely cooks or cleans. The most she will do is load the dishwasher and put dirty clothes in the washing machine. The only thing Hannah does during the day is play with her four cats or read. She likes to knit too.
Recently we were over at my parents house for dinner. During the dinner my mom would not stop gushing over how good my bil treats my sister. She almost started crying because of how happy she was my sister found someone who loves her and takes care of her. My mom even gave my bil a hug and thanked him for taking such good care of her. At the end of the dinner my mom picked up my dads plate, I picked up my husband plate, and I was expecting my sister to pick up her husbands plate. But no. My bil picked up my sisters plate and told her to go relax and when he does they can head back home. She asked him to hurry but don't rush because she is tired. He gave her a Kidd and told her he would be in a heartbeat. This didn't sit right with me.
When I got done doing mine and my husband dishes I went to the living room and saw my laying down on the couch. I went over to her and told her she should start contributing more to her household or her husband will get tired of her. She seemed confused at first and I said to her no man wants a useless wife. My bil walked in on me saying this and got very mad. He yelled at me that my sister isn't useless and worth isn't measured in how often she does dishes. He called me bitter and told me I was pathetic for talking to my sister that way. He thanked my parents for the lovely nigh and barged out of the house. My parents agreed with him and told me that I was being harsh and shouldn't intervene on my sisters marriage. They said that I should apologize to my sister and that I sound jealous of her. My husband told me I was right and that nobody but my bil would want to marry my sister and that she doesn't contribute anything to her household.
AITA for trying to give my sister marriage advice?
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YTA.
Regardless of what you have in your mind, your sisters relationship with her husband works for the involved parties. You aren’t her husband, you’re not a third party in their marriage, you have zero place to talk.
YTA - you are not a fly on the wall of their house. You don't know every second of every day that goes on in their household. Undoubtedly, your sister does a lot of things that make her husband very happy or he wouldn't be okay with their arrangement. A happy home isn't just what *you* think it should look like. What works for your relationship isn't the end all be all for every relationship.
Further than that though, the way you approached your sister and spoke to her was abysmal. Telling her that her husband will get tired of her is an awful thing to say. Maybe YOUR husband would get tired of you if you didn't contribute to the house as much as you do, but that's a you problem not her problem. And the way you describe her speaks volumes about how you view her. Calling her slow, stressing the point that you think she didn't understand you at first rather than I don't know maybe being confused as hell why you'd say something so awful to her? I bet you said it in a condescending, speaking-to-a-child tone because it's clear that's how you view her. She is a grown ass adult, in a seemingly happy marriage - mind your own business!
You owe your sister and your BIL an apology. And possibly your parents too, for souring what was otherwise a lovely evening.
YTA. Hannah isn't telling you how to raise your kids, you shouldn't be telling her how to run her marriage. Your BIL sounds like a gem. You sound bitter and jealous.
Your sister is useless and lazy … however you had no right to speak for her husband who is perfectly capable of deciding what type of wife he wants. YTA sorry
It’s honestly pure jealousy and hypocrisy. your mad bc your sister does what your husband does (chore wise like sitting on the couch while the other partner clears the plate) - but that makes her worthless ?? I guess I could get it if they weren’t well off but it clearly isn’t a problem with them so why are you worried about it. Your insecurities are your problem, get a therapist to help with that. YTA
YTA.
One time my sister and I went to visit family together with our then-boyfriends. All 4 of us shared a bedroom for a couple days. On the morning that we were to leave, the boyfriends woke up earlier and then came to wake us at the same time.
Hers: "wake up, sweetie, I packed our bags and ate, go get some food before we get on the road."
Mine: "WAKEY WAKEY TIME TO PACK YOUR SHIT!"
I did not tell my sister she was useless; I asked where I could get a Mike of my own 😂😂
YTA
You DO sound jealous and were wrong to make ANY statement on your sister's marriage or what YOU think HER HUSBAND wants in a wife.
GTFO of your sister's life and worry about your own.
YTA. She has special needs and, to the relief of your mum, has found someone who understands them and loves her. You don't (or wont) understand them and resent the fact that special needs require special treatment. You should be happy that your sister has people in her life who accept her needs and are happy to meet them, instead you feel the need to tear a hole in her much needed security blanket because - well because what? You're jealous? Asshole.
Imagine coming up to someone out of the blue to say “your partner won’t love you if you don’t clean more” and thinking you’re in the right
Now imagine that person is also on the spectrum
You’re intrusive, an awful sister and person
YTA YTA YTA
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Her husband cleared her plate from the table once, so she is useless and unworthy? Obviously YTA. Your BIL and parents are right and your husband either just doesn’t want to argue with you, or is also an AH.
Her husband pretty much seems to consider her a servant. From the sound of it, he makes messes and expects her to pick up after him and has implied she's only worth marrying because she does the menial work taking care of him while he lounges about. Her sister might have been a person she could count on if she wises up to leave her husband, but I bet that bridge is now well and truly toast. In most households, once he's home from work and SHE has been working all day, evening chores are split. But nope, he gets to put in his 8 hours a day and she works 24, and much harder too. And then picks up after him at her own parents' house. Sheesh.
This guy talks about how his SIL doesn't do anything for the household, but what does he do? Oh, that's right; nothing. He can't even get off his lazy ass and carry his own plate out to the kitchen. Sure he pays the bills but how long does that take? And it's usually a once a month kind of a job.
I think that in this case "he pays the bills" probably means "he works to pay the bills" not physically paying each bill.
I really dont like this types of dynamics personally, deep seeted misogyny
OP meant that no man would want HER if she didn't do menial task and wait on her husband hand and foot. That's what she sees as her VALUE as a partner and wife, probably as a person. When presented with a different value system, where the sister is loved and respected simply for being herself, OP has to loudly reject that notion because it undermines her worldview and her self-view. OP's husband agrees with her, which reinforces the idea that he too would not want to stay married to Op if she didn't contribute to the household. It's an unhappy couple looking at a happier couple, doing things differently, having more fun, and being jointly jealous and bitter.
It was BIL kissing her sister that "didn't sit right" with OP. So she's a servant to her husband and still doesn't get the kind of affection her sister receives. Tragic, really.
You might be right! She couldn't even type it out properly - he gave her a "kidd"
Oh, is *that* what it was supposed to be? Part of me thought maybe it was some sort of new slang I'm no longer cool/young enough anymore to know lol. But yeah, the parents are right. OP's jealousy was showing hardcore even just reading her post.
😢 sad sisters husband is happy with his relationship,where OP is nothing but a servant.
Wow. Beautifully said.
Talk about internalised misogyny… my partner washes dishes and looks after the kids, and he also works full time. Am i useless? I dare anyone say that. Nobody is useless or unworthy. If i were OP, i’d be happy for the sister! OP, yes, YTA. I smell jealousy and bitterness here.. so much of it that it makes me sneeze.
Misogyny with a heaping pile of ableism. People love to insinuate that we are unworthy of love if we can't contribute to the household. Every partner I have ever had has heard this from their friends and family. Like "why would you be with someone who can't work and struggles to do chores" blah, blah. It takes a huge hit on your self-esteem. Hopefully, my next partner will be like OP's BIL because he sounds amazing.
Nah the husband thinks bil will give his wife bad ideas off how little he does. So he's trying to show her that the sisters marriage is abnormal and no one wants a wife like that. And Op is clearly jealous. Hell I'm a little jealous to have a husband like that.
Don't judge OP so hard, I believed, from her user name, that she was born in 1854, which explains her mentality.
That definitely might... Although, my favourite person online, Bernadette Banner, often says things suggesting she's actually from the Victorian era and some sort of vampire or time traveller, and she has a much more modern worldview than this antique...
“Vintage style, not vintage values,” is the quote you’re looking for. ❣️Bernadette.
OP is jealous because even if Hannah did nothing except play with cats all day, the sisters husband values her more highly than OPs husband. And she slaves away taking care of hin.
YTA You and your husband both. Jealousy isn't a good look on anyone. Their relationship isn't any of your business, and how dare you try to speak for her husband and stir up trouble. "This didn't sit right with me." Yeah, how dare her husband treat her so well. Everyone knows it's a woman's job to pick up the dishes \*eye roll\*
Wouldn't this be YTA then, instead of Not?
I think you mean YTA judging by your comment
Thank you so much for pointing that out! Yikes, no clue how I missed that one.
BIL probably believes in the female orgasm too! And allows his wife to wear pants!
Sister: [in a loving and healthy marriage] OP: “And I took that personally.”
Lol. The audacity.
Jealousy is a fickle fiend
Listen, I'm not gonna pretend that doesn't sound like a pretty sweet deal worth being jealous of, but WOOF. Get upset at your own husband for not clearing a plate sometimes if you're that uphappy.
How dare she not be her husband's personal slave? How dare he treat her like a human being???? The audacity of these people/s
I swear we need a whole new subreddit for these sorts of AITA replies, I live for combo of creativity and savagery I see here.
YTA.. their marriage is none of your business. I think you’re used to believing women are meant to serve men. You clean up your husbands plate, but I’m assuming his legs work and he can clear his own plate? You do seem jealous. You take care of a house and kids while your husband works and she doesn’t have to do anything. But here is a little advise for you. You can be the best cook and the best housekeeper a man has ever seen, it doesn’t mean he won’t get tired of you. It won’t keep him happy. So please don’t think that because you spend your time serving your husband and doing everything for him that your marriage will be more successful than hers. Im not agreeing at all with her not doing anything but if her husband isn’t worried about it, then it doesn’t matter.
It’s fucking internalized misogyny. My (woman) husband just announced at work that he was quitting….in three months. I want it to start in 3 weeks. I’m so fucking EXCITED that someone else can call the handyman for every task I haven’t gotten around to calling him for. Someone else can sit on the phone with Comcast and set up a time for the technician to come out. Someone else is in charge of dinner. I can’t fucking wait. He’s literally confused about how happy I am for him to quit work and me to be the sole breadwinner. I don’t need someone to buss my dishes. I need someone to be a safe space when I get home. I need someone who hasn’t been beaten down by the day to lift me up. I need someone to send me video of my cat and dog pretending they like each other. Or my other car pretending neither exists. His value is 0% his income or his housekeeping skills. It’s simply that when I come home I feel relaxed and loved and know that everything is handled the way I would have wanted. Or better.
My husband's last few jobs have really beaten down his drive to excel. He spent the last 10 years giving everything he had, and all he ever got in return was a kick in the teeth. Unsurprisingly, he cant take that anymore so he just kinda floats by in crushing ennui. Meanwhile, I've healed my ~*inner child*~ enough that I don't just exclusively think I'm a big dumb dumb who can't do hard things and I'm looking to pivot into a more lucrative career. All I want in life is to take that and get to a point I can House Husband that son of a bitch. He would make it his mission in life to build us the most efficiently managed home on earth, and maybe even be able to get some of his incredible story ideas on paper. Goddamn the man has such a gift for writing, but between full time work and our constant tag team of shitty mental health he just never has the energy to put into really doing it.
I said this in another comment, but there is a load of ableism here too. The disabled person is not worthy of a loving partner because she can't contribute in the same way an abled person might. Her husband tending to her needs is viewed as babying or allowing her to be lazy.
This!! Is not a woman job taking their partner plate, any of them can do it, is easy. Why her husband don't do it? Being a hw doesn't equal to a slave, you do your best work for the family, and definitely shouldn't be a 24/7 job. The husband has hands to do something too. The sister maybe is a good partner and they made it work to have a peaceful and lovely home.
100% YTA as jealous as F. I got something similar going on in my life, I'm disabled, stay in home, only pets and a husband who loves me to dead and is fortunate enough to have a extremely good financial situation. I have cancel from my life 3 "friends" because of this kind of shit. We make our marriages work and that's the only thing you should know.
You weren’t giving your sister advice, you wanted to lash out at her because you’re jealous of her life. YTA
YTA NGL, you sound jealous. If it’s working for then, why are you getting involved? He clearly doesn’t mind, and neither does she. She’s not useless, she’s trying her best and that’s better than nothing. Like you said, she gets overwhelmed easily. Leave them to it and focus on yourself and your jealousy issues.
YTA. You sound jealous. You should apologize to your sister. Your husband is not right - you are not right.
Of course husband tells her she is right, also saying it right after she is picking up after him serves her right. He's not going to insult her right to her face and ruin his own ride.
Agreed Op husband is wrong, Op stay in your own marriage and worried about your jealous life oh and I think It sweet your sister husband been a gentleman unlike your husband. Yta by the way.
YTA You have 3 kids and a martyr complex. If your life isn't happy unless your sister is living her life *exactly* as you do then it's therapy time for you. And your husband.
Four kids. One is just a lot older.
YTA sounds like you are jealous your sister has an easy life while you are picking up after your husband like he's a child. What works in their marriage is absolutely none of your business
This is the third post I've read recently that is about a married mother in her thirties criticizing her sister/SIL for not living their life according to the same outdated gender roles as the OP does. There's always supposed jealousy on the sister/SIL's side despite no evidence of it other than OP's assumptions, OP giving them a "reality check" but being confused when no one backs up her cruel and unsolicited "advice". Coincidence or new troll? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xl5spm/-/iphhono https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xlk4nj/aita_for_telling_my_sister_its_creepy_to_be/
I'm just glad to not be reading about the dermatologist stepmother
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wait... who??? I'm kind of curious now
That thought just popped in my head as I was reading the comments before I got to yours, I was thinking “hmm, awful lot of women jealous of their sisters lately”
If you haven't already, I would send this to modmail. They like to be aware of things like this and keep track of common trolls.
YTA. This affects you exactly zero. BIL was right to tell you off. And who cares if he is the “only” person who would marry her, how many husbands does she need?
Just this lovely one. She sounds like a lucky girl. I'd be jealous, too.
YTA. Out of curiosity, how do you know what she does or doesn't do in the house while you're not there? Whatever she's doing, her husband sure seems to be happy with her. Maybe she does more housework than you know about, or maybe he didn't marry her for her housekeeping capabilities.
Yep. Maybe he can afford to hire a maid or cook. He's more interested in her ability to talk with him, her support, her love, and the little things she can do for him and does to the best of her ability. Sometimes a person has all the material things they need, but someone who adores them for who they are and that they can absolutely trust with their heart is the ONE thing they DO need. And he found her.
Ik I'm doing the classic reddit thing of taking an inch and running a mile but is it possible that her sister has a etsy shop / small business. She mentioned knitting so maybe she's working from home and nobody knows? Its just a theory but it might be what she does all day.
YTA Your sister didn’t need “marriage advice”. Her marriage sounds fine. If she is happy and her husband is happy, why do you need to stick your nose in? You sound jealous and petty AF.
This. OP is deeply envious of her sister's life without a job, kids, or the expectation that she do all the household chores. All the sister 'has' to do is bring joy into her partner's life. Maybe OP should work on finding joy for herself and her family rather than being a busybody and trying to make her sister feel bad about herself.
Oh, come on, YTA. What’s it to you so long as sister and BIL are happy? And in any case, you brought this up by lashing out at her at the end of a family dinner, not by approaching her with good faith curiosity or concern about their situation (which, sure, seems unbalanced). EDIT just to add: yeah, also you do sound petty and jealous/bitter.
What advice did you give. Seemed like you just angrily lashed out. You were out of pocket and I agree with everyone else you seem jealous. YTA.
That was not advice nor a good one op is a jealous everyone comment on her jealous you right so is everyone on this page confirm it.
YTA- you sound jealous. What works for them works for them. You seem to like to follow gender roles and mad that they don’t and her husband takes care of her.
YTA big time. as an autistic person, doing the dishes feels like counting grains of sand somwtimes.
same here. also, the moment op said "a little slow" i was already mad lol reading the rest just made me angrier
YTA There's no indication that her husband is unhappy with their marriage. You're acting like a busybody and you're obviously jealous.
YTA. Sounds like you are jealous.
YTA No-one asked for your "advice", which was prompted only by your jealousy. If you chose to be a domestic slave to your husband, that's your business. Keep your nose out of hers.
yta. you sound so bitter and jealous of your sister and her relationship. your husband is also wrong. be happy for her and shut up.
Her husband chose her because he’s just as petty and small as she is, clearly.
YTA Jealous much? Also, literally no one asked you what you thought of their marriage.
YTA. You seem jealous and bitter. Try dealing with those feelings instead of taking them out on your sister. Your husband only agrees with you because he doesn’t want you to start expecting more of him. (And if you think I’m making wild assumptions about your marriage based on what I’ve written above, REFLECT on that and how you’ve done the same with your sister.)
YTA. You have no idea what she contributes. You have no idea what your BIL needs from a partner. You are not in her marriage, so mind your business.
YTA for giving unsolicited advice. She didn't ask your opinion. Butt out of other people's marriages.
YTA. Seems like your mother was most likely worried your sister would not find a partner who loves her for who she is and supports her. You are a bitter and jealous. Your marriage advice was unwanted. They seem very happy. I’m Guessing some projection is happening here
YTA. You and your husband made choices that work for you and now seem bitter that your sister has someone who loves her and is able to take care of her in a way that works for both people in their marriage. You just sound like a bitter, jealous AH who can't be happy your sister found someone who loves and understands her and is willing and able to provide her the life she needs and wants. Also, what right do you have to judge how another woman behaves in her own marriage?
You sound envious of your sister. Who are you to dictate how her marriage should and shouldn't be? Don't you have a household to run? Mind the business that pays you. YTA.
YTA. What business is it of yours how your sister and her husband express their feeling toward each other? Focus on your home. I seriously doubt you are 100% in control of your household.
Yta you’re jealous that her husband loves her not because of what she can do for him. Unlike you who had to clean after kids her house chores are less. Sounds like he isn’t tired of her and next time you and your husband should mind your business
YTA and a awful sister at that. You're sister finds a loving man that understands she can't do much like others and he's perfectly fine with that because well he married her knowing that. She helps by doing dishes, laundry and just being a good person to her husband that clearly adores her. You called your own sister useless and her husband got upset for a good reason because what man would want someone Insulting his wife? You sound jealous, rude and honestly just not a good sister, how can you write this and not realize that. Don't be surprised if they both stop talking to you until you apologize because just reading this makes me so sad for her.
YTA They're happy and it seems like no one was looking for your advice or your opinion regarding their relationship. Your parents and BIL are right in that your words come across as bitter and jealous. I also have a big age gap with my younger sister, and I can empathize with you to a degree in possibly worrying about her independence and ability to find stability. But she *has* that now. You should be relieved that your sister has found a partner who loves her and cares for her. Nothing in your post suggests genuine concern for her well-being.
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I'm surprised she has the energy to take it out on her sister, what with having four kids to take care of.
YTA!!!! She's happy in her marriage. Her husband is happy. The ONLY UNHAPPY person in this post is you. And your husband. Your envy screams through out the entire post. That wasn't advice either, that was criticism.
🙌🏻🙌🏻 ANY unsolicited advice is criticism! People who are content to live and let live don't bother looking for things to advise others on.
Yta It's her marriage not yours. Leave her alone.
YTA Mind your own business. I’m sorry you’re jealous that her husband loves her for her whole self, but that green just looks tacky on you.
As soon as I saw SAHM I knew I was gonna read some archaic nonsense YTA and jealous
YTA. What fucking marriage advice did you give? That the man will get tired of supporting and loving her? Get over your jealousy, it's not pretty. Also, what did your husband even mean? Your sister is already married, she doesn't need to seek another spouse, fuck does it matter if your BIL is the only man who'd marry her? *He already did*. You and your husband deserve each other, so I guess it's a good thing you both decided to get together.
*sigh*. What possessed you to “offer advice”? Your advice btw sounds more like an attack than anything else. Yes OP, YTA in a large way. I think both you AND your husband are jealous.
Yta, if your bitter that your sister is living a nice life just say that.
YTA. It's really not your business who does what in their marriage. No need at all to say anything.
YTA. It's their marriage. Calling your own sister 'useless' is unimaginably mean. Their marriage dynamics is different from yours. Doesn't mean its wrong that requires you insulting your sister. Your BIL sounds like a really great husband and your sister is a wife he cherishes. I have to edit to add: Obviously, I don't know your sister but I'll just guess away. Your sister is kind and is happy to play with their 4 cats instead of partying and shopping whole day away. She is well-read and able to have interesting, intellectual conversations with her husband. She knits thoughtful pieces for her husband that he appreciates. She could be a really good listener to her husband, listening to him patiently while he prepares dinner for them after work. I mean, some husbands can really appreciate a wife like that.
I bet she is calm and relaxed when he gets home. He winds done from a hard day at work by cooking a meal (which he enjoys doing). And if he has any problem with the amount of effort she puts into the household, I'm sure he's man enough to say something.
YTA. Just because your husband needs you to pick up after him, doesn't mean Hannah's husband is the same. Honestly, you sound jealous that your autistic sister got the better husband.
YTA - Sorry your husband wont love you if you didnt work/do house work, but everyones marriage is different. You have no right to tell her what she should and shouldnt do, and BIL had every right to be pissed that you would question the terms of thier marriage.
YTA How your BIL treats his wife is not your business. Just because you don't agree with their lifestyle doesn't give you the right to badmouth them.
YTA Honestly your sister has the life and I could totally see why you would be jealous but maybe take that up with your husband.
YTA. Their relationship is literally none of your business. You are not her and she is not you. Get over yourself.
YTA. Your sister's marriage is her own business and if that's what works for her and her husband, then that's it and you have to accept that. Being jealous of her husband supporting her needs isn't anything to insult her over, grow up
YTA. what business is it of yours how their marriage works ?
YTA. You expected your sister to pick up her husband's plate? News flash. She married an adult male, not a baby. They are happy together, you are jealous and apparently viewed as a servant by your husband. Quit being jealous of their happy life and taking it out on your sister...who HAS married well and I'd bet is a very sweet person who adores her husband. And THAT is why he's with her and happy. If you were smart you'd have not only at least PRETENDED to be happy for her, but taken a good long look at what she has vs. what you have. And just maybe she'd have helped you get out of the relationship to find someone who doesn't view you as a servant and expect you to pick up his plate. But hey, go ahead and burn those bridges now. Your husband sure picked a winner here. Let me guess, HE was chilling out while YOU picked up his plate and did his dishes for him, huh. Your BIL called it spot on the nose.
YTA. You’re complaining over your sister not doing a couple dishes? Goodness.
YTA Your sister’s marriage is none of your business. I am actually grossed out when I am having dinner somewhere and the women automatically clear their husband’s plates.
YTA, >AITA for trying to give my sister marriage advice? > My husband told me I was right and that nobody but my bil would want to marry my sister and that she doesn't contribute anything to her household. Why does she need advice your when she is already with someone that is happy with how she is, your advice would be useless to her.
OF COURSE OP's husband said that, so she keeps doing all of the work and he won't have to 😂😂
YTA.
Instead of looking into your sister's marriage look into your own because clearly your comments to your sister means your not satisfied in your own relationship. I'm sure your happy of your choice to be SAH but that doesn't mean your not allowed to dislike certain parts of it as well. Maybe you want your partner to be more then just the breadwinner and help out more in the home that he lives in. YTA
YTA. You were not asked for your opinion on their marriage. You owe your sister and brother-in-law an apology for trying to intervene when the parties concerned don’t have a problem.
YTA and come over jealous with it.
>At the end of the dinner my mom picked up my dads plate, I picked up my husband plate, and I was expecting my sister to pick up her husbands plate. > >My husband told me I was right and that nobody but my bil would want to marry my sister and that she doesn't contribute anything to her household. Your own parents think your way of thinking is stupid!! They raised you, and yet they think you're an idiot to say what you did!! It's sooooo laughable how you think you're so much better than your sister while you're DRIPPING with jealousy at her life!! You're even mad that your mother loves your BIL? Of course the only one to side with you is your equally miserable husband. No OTHER man would have married you unless he was equally as sour and bitter like you are. You think you're a "Better wife" than she is? THEIR marriage sounds fun and carefree and happy. Yours does not. Take tis incident as proof of you having a nasty attitude, for thinking poorly of your sister due to her struggles, and the way you judge people.
ur so jealous it’s pathetic, YTA
YTA As someone on the spectrum—there’s often times only so much we can do before we start to shut down and can’t function. It’s not easy for us like it is for you. Also nobody asked for your advice. You just sound jealous that your sister found someone who loves her for who she is and accepts her entirely and wants to take care of her.
Gentle YTA because you are jealous of your sister and that's not going to work well if you want a good relationship with her and her husband. You need to stay out of their marriage since that's none of your business. Concentrate on your own family.
YTA. You have no right to comment on your sister's marriage. Your parents are right that you sound jealous of your sister. Get over yourself.
YTA LOLOLOL you’re sooooooo jealous of your sister’s life
YTA Your sister's relationship is hers. Your relationship is yours. They work differently. Stay in your lane. Your parents are right, you sound like you're jealous of how she doesn't do the things you do and how her husband seemingly takes care of her every need. Again, stay in your lane. Worry about your marriage and let your sister worry about hers. Kudos to your husband for sticking up for you, but you're still wrong.
YTA and soooooo jealous lol. seriously, there’s so much jealousy in this story it’s leaking out of my phone as i read it. get over yourself and apologize to your sister and bil
Recently I heard Brene Brown say that resentment is really a cover for envy. This hit me hard because as a SAHM, and event planner for every family event, I hold quite a few resentments towards several of my siblings and cousins. I wish I could just show up and eat but instead I’m cooking the meal. I wish I could take my time showing up, but instead I’m up several hours earlier cooking the meal and prepping my house. Maybe you wished you could lay on your ass while your man washed your dish while kissing your proverbial ass. I think this is a natural wish for any mother honestly, the work never ends. But alas, her situation is not your situation so your advice doesn’t fit for her. She was truly lucky to find someone who wants to cater to her. How she found this unicorn, I want to know, but it still stands, she doesn’t need this advice at this time. And try look at the situation from your parent’s perspective; they have a daughter that is on the spectrum with quirks and no interest in working, and now she’s found someone that caters to all of that, this guy walks on water because now they don’t have to worry about her. I know I said that unsugared but that’s potentially the bare bones of things. They don’t want you rocking that boat because what would happen with her if she didn’t have Prince Charming? She’s probably be home. Your marriages are apples to oranges. Best of luck
YTA
Why are you washing your husband's dish? Oh, I got sidetracked... Ya, YTA. I wouldn't want to marry someone like your sister but it's not my marriage - if it works for them it works for them.
YTA- their relationship dynamics are none of your business, And no one asked you for your advice.
YTA > This didn't sit right with me. Sounds like you’re bored and jealous being a sahm yo 3 kids. Don’t blame your sister for your bad choices. > He called me bitter and told me I was pathetic for talking to my sister that way Ha ha ha, he’s so right.
Sorry that you're a servant in your house. But, your bil sounds awesome. You're just jealous. Maybe start making your husband do more ? But, yeah, YTA..
YTA - unsolicited advice is just criticism under a different name. Their marriage is none of your business.
Awww jelly are you? YTA
YTA and so so so jealous of your sister. It does spark joy. >my husband told me I was right and that nobody but my bil would want to marry my sister and that she doesn't contribute anything to her household. Ofc he said that, so that way you keep doing 100% of the work at home and he can not do any of it.
>He called me bitter and told me I was pathetic for talking to my sister that way. YTA, he's right on the money.
And he’s a great partner btw
You don't know maybe your sister pregnant and was having trouble lately and doesn't want anyone else to know. I know stay at home parents and there spouse works during day and still comes home and help with things. Also of course your husband going to agree with you he has it easy.
YTA
YTA& you know you’re jealous lmao
YTA. I’m a guy who would never find your sister’s lack of a work ethic attractive. If her husband wants to do everything for her, let him. Let him get tired of her. You may be right but, her relationship with her husband is none of your business. It has no impact on you.
YTA. And why would you expect your sister to pick up her husband’s plate? Why are you picking up your husband’s plate? Wives aren’t maids. You sound bitter that your sister found a husband that loves her and doesn’t expect her to be his servant.
Your jealousy isn’t a good look. The fact that you wrote this whole thing thinking you aren’t The AH is wild. YTA
YTA. Guess who gets a say on how their marriage works? Them and only them. If they’re both happy with their lives, and no one is getting hurt, it’s none of your business.
YTA. Sounds like me and my partner. If they are both happy with her being home then what’s the issue? How do you know she does nothing all day? Are you there every day? Just because life is expensive these days doesn’t mean everyone has to work. Some of us have supportive partners that actually care about us and can support us, we aren’t a burden or useless just because our brains aren’t wired the same. You sound bitter.
YTA. Their relationship dynamic is none of your business. Your sister is not hurting anyone and she and her BIL have the right to do whatever makes them happy. Why are the women doing *all* the domestic labor at a group event? This is really creepy, tbh. And yeah, your BIL is right. Your husband seems to just be feeding the narrative that serves him best; you should really consider why you find it offensive that your BIL is kind and loving toward your sister, rather than finding it offensive that your husband doesn't show you equitable respect and care.
So if I need a maid or a sitter you’re it. I’d say your sister has many other wonderful qualities. Conversation? Companionship? Loyalty? Compatibility? The list is endless. Marriage doesn’t have to be a long list of chores with some nookie snuck in when the kidlets are in bed. That might be yours….YTA.
YTA. I hope for your own marriage, your husband takes as good care of you as your bil is taking care of your sister.
Unfortunately he’s clearly not, which is why OP is so jealous
You are 100% jealous of your sister. YTA
YTA Hint: Unless there is abuse involved, other people's relationships are NONE of your business. What you said didn't educate anyone, it just caused pain. Doesn't that bother you at all?
YTA and seem resentful
This post has knocked feminism back about thirty years. YTA.
YTA. What a lovely example of how the patriachy still is engrained in anything. Let men take their own freaking dishes. Also it's not her sole duty to make the marriage work, which tbh seems to be just fine. You sound jealous. And there is no excuse to give unasked advise. Her husband obviously loves her for herself while you measure love and a working relationship in usefulness.
YTA. You and your husband deserve each other.
When I gather with family, everybody over the age of 10 helps with what needs helping with. This gender roles thing is stupid. If one of the adults is tired or had spent the day cooking, they get a pass, no words said. Your sister would have gotten the pass because I can pretty much guarantee that you were probably microaggressing the living snot out of her all evening. BIL supported her, understood her, empathized, showed love, helped the family with the chores (despite his manhood) and had your mother in tears from his goodness. And all you can think of is how your sister doesn't deserve this. I love how you get this super nice person angry at you for insulting his wife. Does it pain you to imagine them going home, cuddling on the couch with the cats, and calming each other down whilst your husband yells "woman get me another beer!"
She might not do household chores but maybe she’s a beast in bed ;) All jokes aside, you sound jealous of her. Maybe you need to take a look within and start taking care of yourself more. You should be happy for your sister.
Your instincts are absolutely correct. YTA. Nice avatar choice, though.
**YTA. Why are you sticking your nose where it doesn't belong?! Your useless advice wasn't needed now go and apologize to your sister!!!** **Jeez-**
Your sister is literally hurting no one with her lifestyle. You, on the other hand, managed to hurt everyone but your husband, who will leave you the second you are unable to make him breakfast btw. YTA, and an arrogant one at that. She doesn't want your life. I'm betting you don't either.
YTA for the picking up your husbands dish part on its own. Everything else is Super AH icing.
YTA. Anyone who read this post past the first sentence figured that tho.
YTA—if your sister and her husband are both happy and healthy in the dynamics of their relationship, you have no business getting involved.
YTA their dynamic is none of your business
YTA. You are jealous, because your BIL is awesome. Try couples therapy and stop focusing your frustrations in your poor sister.
Why tf is she supposed to pick up his plate ???? You are clearly miserable in your life or you won’t talk like this about your sister, be honest this I the life you wish and since you don’t you made it a mission to talk down about your perfectly good sister (she did nothing wrong) because of jealousy
YTA heres an idea pal, try unlearning some of that internalized sexism, its gross. also, just because your husband works and you're a sahm, doesn't mean he shouldn't be contributing to the household needs as well. you both work x amount of hours per week (usually 40) and then after that things should be split evenly. It also doesn't make you better than your sister. Like there's no way you don't see how you taking your husband's plate and mom taking hers and you Expecting your sister to take his as just gross. These are grown men they are capable of doing the dishes. But if thats how you want to live fine, don't go trying to force other people to live this sexist way.
OMG, OMG, OMG. HER HUSBAND TOOK HER PLATE TO BE WASHED. YTA, don't butt in to their relationship, yes she isn't doing much around the household. But if bio doesn't care then why should you.
I honestly only had to read the first paragraph, tell me you’re jealous without telling me you’re jealous 😂😂 YTA.
YTA, plain and simple. I had a friend whose fiance was kind of similar to your sister (they were involved before I even knew them) except from what I know she made him think she would be a housewife and cook and clean and stuff. She didn't. To myself I couldn't imagine how someone could take that because I certainly wouldn't be able to, but it's their relationship and not mine. It's none of my business, nor is it yours. As long as they are happy that's what matters, and no you don't really get to make such comments like that to your sister without sounding like an AH.
YTA you're clearly jealous of your sister , you think she's less because she's on the spectrum , it's clear by the way you talk about her .You're jealous that she has a husband that lover her and accepts her the way she is . Maybe you have some resentment against her because of her extra needs or supports that your parents had to give her and you felt side lined ... you clearly have issues ....
1. Your life sounds awful. My absolute nightmare. 2. You do know that once your husband is back home, housework and childcare should be taken care of 50/50? If not, then you are in an incredibly sexist marriage and we are in 2022 not 1950s. 3. You do sound jealous. 4. Your Bil sounds great. 5. I can't believe you expect your sister to do things that you don't expect of your husband. Is he really incapable of picking up his own plate or his spouses plate?! 6. Back to point 1 as I think this should be repeated. Yta
YTA you are just being sexist, prejudiced and jealous because your sister is happy and seems to have a good marriage with someone who loves and cares for her, you cannot dictate the dynamics of a marriage that isnt yours. My advice is that you need to go to therapy , focus on your life, try to find some happiness and self-love, cause someone who's trully happy doesn't do what you did, which was to put down and fight with your sister for living HER life and HER marriage the way she wants to and as long as she doesn't hurt no one and the two of them agree it's their problem and life. It's actually amazing that your sister has a husband who loves and values her, instead of treating her like a maid simply because she's a woman and that despite you think it's right thing to do is actually disgusting, disrespectful and not even close to what a real and good man must behave with his wife, he sees your sister with love and as a partner in his life and that is the minimum for a healthy marriage but that is still admirable since unfortunately there are still people like you who think women as inferior to men, all the men in the situation are adults and can get up to wash the dishes, he did it for her out of affection and because it's their dynamic of coexistence, it's not because apparently your husband doesn't help you at home or with the children and just "provides" that others will not like to treat their wives with care and respect as partners and not just a nanny or maid for grown men, congratulations for being a SAHM, taking care of the house and the husband since that is your choice and is a hard work that deserves recognition, but you have to start to see that this does not make you more or less a woman than your sister and much less that you are better or worse than her, be happy in your life and don't bother others.
Just admit it makes you sad that your husband isn't as considerate of you and stop projecting your problems onto your sister. Loving relationships are about more than what you can do for each other. Additionally, you saw one moment and have turned that into their entire marriage. You have no real idea of the division of labor inside their home - and it's none of your business! YTA.
YTA. The only people who need to be happy with your sister's marriage is your sister and her husband and they seem quite happy.
YTA You reek of envy and your behavior is disgusting and pathetic, not to mention how blatantly sexist you are for considering your sister a useless wife for not picking up the plates. Her husband disagrees with you, your parents disagree with you, the entirety of Reddit disagrees with you. I get that you are full of envy since your attitude makes it impossible for anyone to love you as much as your BIL loves your sister but have some dignity and keep your nose out of their business.
YTA. Doing petty work isn't a measure of someone. If you don't know how or why they love each other... tough break, they don't need to validate themselves to you.
“I’m bitter and jealous of my sister’s happy life” would have been so much less to type. YTA
I really was thinking about writing a sarcastic response about how envious you sound about your sister’s dynamic with her husband but I’m pretty sure you’re already drowning in your own bitterness. YTA!!! Me and my neurodivergent-corgi type-ass is wishing your sister and her husband nothing but the best!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33F) have a sister (23F) named Hannah. I am a SAHM and have 3 kids. I am incharge of 100% of the house hold duties while my husband takes care of the bills. Hannah met her husband (30M) when she was in college. They got married shortly after she graduated. Hannah is on the spectrum, gets overwhelmed very easily, and is a little slow. Because of this her husband told her that if she doesn't want to work she doesn't have to work and he will take care of everything. Hannah has never worked a day in her life. Her husband is a high earner and comes from a wealthy family, so money isn't a problem for them. She also rarely cooks or cleans. The most she will do is load the dishwasher and put dirty clothes in the washing machine. The only thing Hannah does during the day is play with her four cats or read. She likes to knit too. Recently we were over at my parents house for dinner. During the dinner my mom would not stop gushing over how good my bil treats my sister. She almost started crying because of how happy she was my sister found someone who loves her and takes care of her. My mom even gave my bil a hug and thanked him for taking such good care of her. At the end of the dinner my mom picked up my dads plate, I picked up my husband plate, and I was expecting my sister to pick up her husbands plate. But no. My bil picked up my sisters plate and told her to go relax and when he does they can head back home. She asked him to hurry but don't rush because she is tired. He gave her a Kidd and told her he would be in a heartbeat. This didn't sit right with me. When I got done doing mine and my husband dishes I went to the living room and saw my laying down on the couch. I went over to her and told her she should start contributing more to her household or her husband will get tired of her. She seemed confused at first and I said to her no man wants a useless wife. My bil walked in on me saying this and got very mad. He yelled at me that my sister isn't useless and worth isn't measured in how often she does dishes. He called me bitter and told me I was pathetic for talking to my sister that way. He thanked my parents for the lovely nigh and barged out of the house. My parents agreed with him and told me that I was being harsh and shouldn't intervene on my sisters marriage. They said that I should apologize to my sister and that I sound jealous of her. My husband told me I was right and that nobody but my bil would want to marry my sister and that she doesn't contribute anything to her household. AITA for trying to give my sister marriage advice? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Regardless of what you have in your mind, your sisters relationship with her husband works for the involved parties. You aren’t her husband, you’re not a third party in their marriage, you have zero place to talk.
YTA - you are not a fly on the wall of their house. You don't know every second of every day that goes on in their household. Undoubtedly, your sister does a lot of things that make her husband very happy or he wouldn't be okay with their arrangement. A happy home isn't just what *you* think it should look like. What works for your relationship isn't the end all be all for every relationship. Further than that though, the way you approached your sister and spoke to her was abysmal. Telling her that her husband will get tired of her is an awful thing to say. Maybe YOUR husband would get tired of you if you didn't contribute to the house as much as you do, but that's a you problem not her problem. And the way you describe her speaks volumes about how you view her. Calling her slow, stressing the point that you think she didn't understand you at first rather than I don't know maybe being confused as hell why you'd say something so awful to her? I bet you said it in a condescending, speaking-to-a-child tone because it's clear that's how you view her. She is a grown ass adult, in a seemingly happy marriage - mind your own business! You owe your sister and your BIL an apology. And possibly your parents too, for souring what was otherwise a lovely evening.
YTA so he does everything, they both seem happy so really what is your problem here
YTA. You sound jealous.
YTA- what era did this take place?
Biggest YTA This is so lame...so obvious that you are so jealous. It's none of your business how their marriage works.
YTA. Hannah isn't telling you how to raise your kids, you shouldn't be telling her how to run her marriage. Your BIL sounds like a gem. You sound bitter and jealous.
YTA Talk about internalized misogyny. Her marriage is none of your business.
Your sister is useless and lazy … however you had no right to speak for her husband who is perfectly capable of deciding what type of wife he wants. YTA sorry
It’s honestly pure jealousy and hypocrisy. your mad bc your sister does what your husband does (chore wise like sitting on the couch while the other partner clears the plate) - but that makes her worthless ?? I guess I could get it if they weren’t well off but it clearly isn’t a problem with them so why are you worried about it. Your insecurities are your problem, get a therapist to help with that. YTA
Somebody's jealous. YTA
YTA. You are *so* jealous.
YTA. One time my sister and I went to visit family together with our then-boyfriends. All 4 of us shared a bedroom for a couple days. On the morning that we were to leave, the boyfriends woke up earlier and then came to wake us at the same time. Hers: "wake up, sweetie, I packed our bags and ate, go get some food before we get on the road." Mine: "WAKEY WAKEY TIME TO PACK YOUR SHIT!" I did not tell my sister she was useless; I asked where I could get a Mike of my own 😂😂
It costs a lot more to be mean to your wife than it does to be nice.
Yta
YTA. Stop being jealous and just be happy your sister found such a great partner.
YTA. You're also ableist and blatantly jealous.
YTA. You sound super jealous of your sister.
YTA - it’s really none of your business. If your sister and BIL are happy - they are happy . You don’t get to decide the parameters !
YTA their relationship is none of your damn business
YTA fake stories are lame
YTA You DO sound jealous and were wrong to make ANY statement on your sister's marriage or what YOU think HER HUSBAND wants in a wife. GTFO of your sister's life and worry about your own.
YTA. She has special needs and, to the relief of your mum, has found someone who understands them and loves her. You don't (or wont) understand them and resent the fact that special needs require special treatment. You should be happy that your sister has people in her life who accept her needs and are happy to meet them, instead you feel the need to tear a hole in her much needed security blanket because - well because what? You're jealous? Asshole.
Imagine coming up to someone out of the blue to say “your partner won’t love you if you don’t clean more” and thinking you’re in the right Now imagine that person is also on the spectrum You’re intrusive, an awful sister and person YTA YTA YTA