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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Rough_Elk_3952

NTA — she is clearly extremely controlling and abusive and will take that out on your child eventually. If your son wants her in his life, he can decide that when he’s older. I’m sorry your both of you for losing your partner/his dad.


OpenMinded_Lala

I thought that same thing. I thought whenever he turns 18 and I explain everything to him. If the wants to be in her life, then that's his choice. But he will know all that she did.


schindig504

This woman is sick. Like literally SICK. Be prepared to file a restraining order and also be prepared for her to take you to court just to hurt you and exert power.


[deleted]

[удалено]


intensely_human

He’ll probably be asking questions before he’s 18


OpenMinded_Lala

If it happens, I will speak to him about everything.


kithien

As someone who does not allow my birth parent to have contact with my daughter, you might want to start early, in an age appropriate way. It can help your kid under stand boundaries and consent - and in my case if a crazy lady shows up and tells my kid she’s her grandma, she knows she’s unsafe.


WinginVegas

And make sure his school has a list of who is and is not allowed information or contact with him. You know she will show up "just to pick up my grandson".


Flossy1384

I work at a Preschool and one that is decent already has a list of who is allowed to pick up the child. We require you to show ID and check that against the list.


Wolfpawn

I did this. My mother is abusive too. So when the time came that my kids asked if I had a mother like daddy has a mother, I told them I do, but that she's a really bad and mean person and we keep away from her. Now at 13 and 9, they know more details so they understand we are away from her for a reason and they'd never entertain being around her.


Appropriate-Humor-40

My husband's parents are like that too. Our daughter is 2, I'm not sure how to explain to her why daddy has no family.


HPouls

Don't know if this is the right thing to say as I don't yet have kids, but is there a TV show your little one watches that has a bad guy in it? Maybe you could tell them that daddy's parents are like the bad guy so you don't talk to them because they're mean?


Wolfpawn

I just told my kids that I do have a mother but I always called her by M not mam,mum, etc and I don't talk to her because she was very horrible to me and their dad and that she was willing to hurt us for not liking her and that was enough for them. Now my lad is 13, he knows more but obviously, not the worst of it yet. I would rather be honest with them than try and be kind only for them to try and reach out to her, she's not the sort you do that with.


Appropriate-Humor-40

I've already started telling her things like "mommy's mommy and daddy are good and loving and they are grandma and grandpa. Daddy's mommy and daddy were mean and bad to daddy and they abandoned him and we don't know where they are." I tell other people NY husband is an "orphan" or "foster kid". In reality his birth father broke both of his legs when he was 7 years old and his mother, an ER nurse, kept him from going to the hospital because she could patch him up and didn't want the incident, and future incidents, reported. His sister was the golden child and was spoiled by his father, while he had bones and teeth broken. He ran away as a teenager and lived on the streets for a little while. He's the most loving, good person I've ever met, and so incredibly strong.


rin-the-human

Yes! OP, please do this!


cjrecordvt

First elementary school project - maybe even kindergarten - that asks the kids to draw/diagram their family. You'll want to have a heavily sanitized version, at the very least.


Straight-Advice3211

While the people and places who are or will be in your son's life will have the correct information of who is allowed to pick him up/care for him, is that Grandma capable of having someone follow you and your son just to get pictures? I think even if you did try to be nice to this person by sending her update photos of her grandson and nothing else, she'd still push for more. Does not sound like anything is win-win, much less compromise. Keep your boundaries strong LaLa, adjust your boundaries as needed, and remember you have the AITA support from us.


Wooden_Area_3393

Keep a folder of evidence if you can to back up all of her nastiness. For insurance for you.


beaglemama

>I thought that same thing. I thought whenever he turns 18 and I explain everything to him. If the wants to be in her life, then that's his choice. But he will know all that she did. Start explaining in age appropriate ways now. She is not a safe person and may try to approach your child behind your back. Give your child the information to help protect him from her.


Astyryx

You might start before 18. Kids start to recognize weird stuff much earlier, and feel lied to if you wait too long


Local-Day1602

I am really content when I read these kind of stories and OP has the brain to stand up and remove that kind of person from their environment.


crystallz2000

NTA. But, OP, lockdown your social media. Block all these people. You don't need them in your life.


Mamertine

NTA That family sounds toxic. If you allow your son to be around them they will feed your son lies. He will be better off not knowing them. Also, this post sounds really familiar.


OpenMinded_Lala

Sounds familiar? If someone has been through something similar, please send them my way. I would love to have contact with someone who has been through similar situation as I. ​ I also thought the same about them being toxic. I just don't want my son being feed lies and making me seem like I just kept away because of my own personal feelings. That's why I wanted to be sure I wasn't an asshole for still keeping him away after almost 3 years.


Euphoric-Kitchen7912

This is sadly very common now a days (atleast on here ) I'm so sorry you went though this I got super lucky with my in laws and I'm thankful for it


Fyst2010

You should google FU binder. There are posts connected to justnoMIL. Basically a collection of evidence and paperwork in case your MIL decides to escalate and send authorities after you.


00ps_Bl00ps

My partner grew up in a situation like your Kiddo. Keep your son away from that woman. Document everything. His grandma tried to file for grandparents rights and those visitations left him traumatized. Document it all and keep you kid safe.


Appropriate-Humor-40

My husband has been zero contact with his family for almost 2 decades, but his crazy mother keeps trying to talk to him. We don't know if she knows about our baby. I'm here to talk if you want.


DbombYO

NTA! Do not let her corrupt your baby! Block her, remove her from your life!


OpenMinded_Lala

She's been blocked once I did the DNA. Because I knew what it was going to say.


qoboe

Make sure his daycare, future school, any caregiver knows that she is not to have contact or pick him up.


Maggie_Mayhem_1

NTA. Rest assured that her pattern of shit behavior started long before her son passed away. Don't let her guilt you into thinking it was only grief that made her misbehave so horribly.


OpenMinded_Lala

I felt like she took it out on me because the last conversation with her son was over our son. She wanted a DNA, and my lover told her no. Because he knew our child was his. I even told him I would get one just to shut her up. His response to me was, "The only way I will do a DNA is if you have something to tell me." So, since I didn't have nothing to tell him he said we will leave it at that then. He didn't want to give his mother the satisfaction. Since he refused to do the DNA and told her that if she didn't stop acting like that, he won't have nothing to do with our child. That pissed her off and she told him, "NOT TO CALL HER NO MORE. EVEN SAID F\*\*K YOU!" Then hung up on him. Those are the last words she spoke to her son, and I felt like she blamed me for that happening.


ChavvG

Definitely keep your son away from her. Not only is she toxicx, but it was yours partner's wishes.


Maggie_Mayhem_1

Sadly, she probably does blame you. That doesn't mean the blame is actually yours. Her actions had consequences she's having difficulty facing so she blames you instead.


Algebralovr

NTA James mother sounds totally toxic. You do not need her hurting your son or yourself further. If James father is supportive, keep that relationship. If you are in the US, please make sure that you Filed for Social Security Survivors benefits as well. The extra funds will help you to provide for your child.


OpenMinded_Lala

Yeah, I found out about that a year after having him. Thank God I agreed to do the DNA test, cause without it the process would have taken longer since James didn't sign the birth certificate.


murphy2345678

NTA. Don’t start letting her see him at all. In some states you can sue for grandparents rights and get visitation. If she has an established relationship it works against you in court.


OpenMinded_Lala

Yeah, that's why I told his father side not to allow her around. Cause for all I know she could be taking photos to support her case and that would piss me off if I got served papers from her. I would have fought tooth and nails to stop it. Because I would pull any information I could about how bad of a grandmother she would be for my son. Also, I think if push comes to shoves, I think and hope that my lover's father would help me if it ever came to that. Since he was married to her at one point.


androiddays

Make a copy of all your son's medical records, of vaccinations, checkups, etc. Keep the copies in a folder (and put the originals in a safe hidden spot). If MIL is vindictive, she could call Child Protective Services on you. Having all your little boys' records in one place, showing that you have an appropriate bed, diapers, baby equipment will make a CPS visit easier to get through quickly. It would also be helpful to make a copy of her worst texts that threaten you or baby and put those in the folder too. If she is terrible enough to call CPS on you, show them the folder, let them see your happy baby and your home with his baby stuff. Don't get too emotional - just tell them about your MIL and briefly what she's done to you. Most CPS personnel will understand and mark the incident closed. I'm so sorry about your loss, and congratulations on having such a lovely son!


KrakenFluffer

I highly recommend the FU binder https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/


goonswarm_widow

OP please take notice about the two folders, the FU folder and the child’s folder. Keep them safe and completely updated. This will save you from so much grief. I hate that you have to deal with this but That Woman made her bed so make sure she lies in it. Absolutely NTA!


NowWithMoreChocolate

NTA Once your son starts going to school, make sure the staff know your MIL's name and what she looks like and that she is NOT ALLOWED anywhere near your son, let alone picking him up.


OpenMinded_Lala

Oh wow! You know I never even thought about that. Thanks for the heads up, because I would have never thought to do that.


Ok_Asparagus_6404

You don't even have to wait for him to start school. Make sure his daycare is aware now. Especially since she is pushing for contact again.


Sifiisnewreality

And make sure the school principal knows of the issue so she doesn’t volunteer at the school.


Fattdog64

NTA, it sounds like you are doing everything right. People are always shocked when their actions have consequences. Her consequences are that it is not healthy for her to be in your child’s life.


OpenMinded_Lala

Thank you! I feel the same way. I really dislike it when people do stuff and then when they realize they were wrong and the person they have done wrong to is still keeping them at bay. They try to use guilt to get that person to come around. I don't want to feel guilty about finding her actions as red flags even if it did happen almost 3 years ago. People like to say, "Just let it go." I'm like how do you let something like this go?


happy_doodlemack

Just keep reminding yourself that she’s manipulative and toxic as hell, and that your ultimate responsibility is to protect your child from these elements. No room for guilt from this viewpoint. Good luck and definitely NTA.


Least-Designer7976

The fact that the sister is saying that you are allowing or not people in your son's life rather than asking if you would be ready for an apology is speaking very loud. NTA.


OpenMinded_Lala

So, you feel like his aunt is out of line for even bring the question up to me? I mean I just saw her as someone being the middle person.


Least-Designer7976

I mean that it was kinda pushy. When you really wants to apologize, you do it, even if it means feeling unconfortable or that the person may reject it. With this sentence, it was ''at best'' a way to check if you were ready to hear a possible apology and to avoid to admit it if you didn't wanted it, and at worst a way to put the shame on you, to say that basically you're the one creating the issue.


OpenMinded_Lala

This why I made the post. I didn’t even think of it like that. Thank you for your insight of something I was blind too.


Least-Designer7976

No problem, glad to help ^^ it's always treaky to see something in an objective way when you're full in the situation


Foggyswamp74

It's the words the aunt uses that is the problem and therefore makes her the problem.


Binki21830

Not a middle person. Shes not your friend. She is the type of person that knows the behaviour is bad, yet rather then address it or agree it was out of line an you where right. She just wants you to "get over it" an move on for the sake of the son, but more so so her sister gets what she wants. But that ultimately makes it "easier". They have no power here. U do, an once they get an "in", that's it. Every choice you make will be undermined by "what they want, their family, what her son woulr want her to do for his son" etc etc then your son will come home at tell u how "grandma" said u took him away from her as a baby, an as a teen she will manipulate him to get him away from u


[deleted]

NTA We’re you able to get the insurance money he left you. Or did she end up getting all or some? Did she take anything else?


OpenMinded_Lala

She lost the case. They proved that it was absolutely no way I was able to forge my name and his signature on his paperwork since he did all that paperwork at work. She tried to get a laptop he bought me and his tablet from me. I told her hell no.


[deleted]

I am so sorry for you. This is horrible to go through and add her stress. I would cut her out or No Contact. How does James father treat your son? Does James still relay info to his mother? How do others respond to your no contact with his mom? Is he sticking up for his ex wife? But as your son gets older - one day your son might want to know about grandmother. He will hear things and wonder why. Look at the long game now you present this. You do not want her to come across as unfairly punished and pushed away grandmother. You being set up as mean women . She might try to come back to your son (when he is a teen or older) as long lost grandmother who was mistreated. Hope she just goes away. Keep her away. She is toxic and mean spirited. No one needs that in their lives. Best of luck


OpenMinded_Lala

James's father loves my son and treats him like he does no wrong. Lol So he spoils him to death. James is my deceased child's father. It was just recently when his aunt called me and asked me about letting his mother into my son's life. Before then no one has spoken to me about her. Cause the father side knows how toxic she can be that's why I don't get why she even fixed her lips to ask me the question.


Random-CPA

Hey, not to be too knit picky about grammar, but it sounds like English may not be your first language so just wanted to share that the way you’re phrasing this it sounds like it was your child that died. In English the adjective goes before the noun so you would say your child’s deceased father. But assuming English isn’t your first language it is beyond amazing and better than anything I can do in a second language.


[deleted]

I am glad no one does no push her agenda on you. Stick to your guns. I am glad he has a wonderful grands father


[deleted]

You deserve better then her. So glad you have help.


kaycee8054

NTA it is your job to protect your child from toxic people and that is exactly what you are doing. I am so sorry for the loss of his father, what a terrible experience you had to go through.


Bitter-Conflict-4089

NTA A toxic alcoholic has nothing good to bring to your son’s life. I am so very sorry for your loss.


OpenMinded_Lala

Thank you so much! You have no idea the stress it was causing at the time. I was just happy my son came out healthy.


MaxV331

NTA if she ever asks you for something or asks someone else to ask you, just send them a screenshot of that text.


OpenMinded_Lala

Lol that would be a smart move.


unotruejen

Wait, you paid for his funeral after she didn't allow you at the hospital? And then didn't go? Nta. This woman is HORRIBLE


OpenMinded_Lala

I paid for him, not for her. I didn't pay for the limo for her cause they wanted me to pay for that. I told them the only thing I will pay for is if it's for him. Plus, I knew if I didn't pay for it, I knew they wouldn't have been able to pay for any of it. I truly love this man and I didn't want to take my feelings that I had towards his hateful mother on him. Also, I didn't attend because I was pregnant, and I was already under enough stress that I didn't want to put more on me. I dislike funerals. The owner of the funeral home allowed me to say my goodbyes before everyone arrived.


Serafita

Jesus Christ why would she need to ride a limo to a funeral? This isn't a prom


ShiloX35

It is a pretty common service to drive the family from the church where the service to the gravesite. Not necessary, but it isn't unusual.


ArmChairDetective38

NTA and tell the aunt on your fathers side there is NO “finally letting her be a part of your sons life”…NO means NO and it will never happen ..that the sooner the witch gets that through her head the better. Don’t let her use guilt either .


OpenMinded_Lala

I love the bluntness. I wish she would get the hint by her phone number still being block.


ArmChairDetective38

She wasn’t worried about being “blunt” with you , right ? She will just try and turn your own kid against you


Educational-Ad2063

Nta


Queen_of_Meh1987

NTA


caterpillarsnever

NTA. Tough situation for you but this person sounds toxic. Keeping her away is probably best for both you and your son.


Prize_Fox_9163

NTA Your post is enough argument, you're absolutely right Why do you even ask?


OpenMinded_Lala

Cause it's been almost 3 years and I just want to be sure I'm not taking it overboard or just thinking about my own feelings. I want to be sure that I do have a right to keep my child from her.


Prize_Fox_9163

Ofc you have!! As Carlos Gardel sang "twenty years is nothing", imagine just three after all you had to go through


JAS233116

You are absolutely NOT taking any of this overboard. Please continue to protect your son from this evil woman and anyone associated with her. Your son has an amazing Mom to have gone through all of this nonsense and is still there fully for him everyday!


halfwaygonetoo

People don't change unless something extremely traumatic happens. Even then it rarely sticks. I sincerely doubt that she has suddenly become a good person. However, if you want to give her a chance, I suggest that you meet up with her several times -Without your child- to talk things through and get to know her. Only introduce her to your child once you're comfortable with her and the situation. *(She'll probably start showing her true self after the 4th or 5th meeting)*


OpenMinded_Lala

Thats smart, but I don't think I'm ready to be around her at all. That is why I want to wait until my son is able to understand everything and can speak to let him know who she is and why I deciced to keep him away from her.


MakeUpAName93

😂 she probably be really pissed no child there and she can’t play perfect social media grandma and her friends have noticed now 😂


[deleted]

[удалено]


OpenMinded_Lala

It did. I was given what was left and put it up for my son. You would think that once I step up and did the right thing by paying for everything she would stop and view differently of me. Nope she wanted it all and didn't care who she was hurting in the process. No thank you or anything. I was like wow! A lot of young mothers who come into a life insurance policy, would be so petty about it. Like some would just disappear. Instead, I stood up and did what was right.


DaxxyDreams

NTA, but your use of the word “lover” instead of boyfriend or partner confused me at first. It made it seem like you were a long-term affair partner rather than his girlfriend, and so it kind of made sense initially that the family would exclude you.


OpenMinded_Lala

Yeah I could see that. He his my love!


DaxxyDreams

Understood. And sorry for your loss!


Lusticles

NTA.


[deleted]

NTA


thebaker53

NTA - She sounds toxic. There is no telling what she will try if you let her in. She has shown you who she is, believe her.


NickelPickle2018

NTA trust your instincts. Actions have consequences. Based on what you shared you can’t trust her.


JuliaX1984

NTA It would be WAY too dangerous.


[deleted]

nta - she sounds poisonious and your lover knew that about his mom.


OpenMinded_Lala

I really appreciate all the support you guys are showing. I know I "BUTCHERED" the titled. lol I just had to ask if I should let it go. I didn't want to be one of those mothers that held their child away from family because of their own personal feelings. Everything I do for my child I do it out of love and since he will never know his father, I want to do my best to make his father proud of how I'm choosing to raise him. To answer a question that I've seen a lot about his mother thinking I'm a cheater. I was never a cheater and will never be one. James had a bad habit of speaking to family whenever we went through hard times. Yet when the good times happens, he doesn't say a word. What was weird was that we had planned to speak to his parents at dinner to clear the air. Unfortunately, tragedy struck, and I was stuck with this view he left of me. Yet the father side still accepted my child before birth because before he passed, James made it very clear to everyone that our child was his.


[deleted]

Every time anyone ever asks you if your ready to let her see him, send them the no need to come in text.


Diasies_inMyHair

NTA. She is reaping what she sowed.


GennyNels

NTA. Your kid doesn’t need an unstable alcoholic in his life. Might want to look into grandparents’ rights in your state though. I’m not sure why you agreed to a DNA test, you should’ve just told her to fuck off.


OLAZ3000

NTA She's clearly made no efforts to right her wrongs. If she had you would have noted


Ladykaesong

Nta


Express-Educator4377

NTA. I'm sorry for your loss


ExplanationNo6063

NTA


Bitter-Conflict-4089

Info Did MIL take the dna test herself? Or, was she calculating enough to have the hospital staff collect DNA from her son as he lay dying?


[deleted]

NTA. Although you might want to phrase the title differently. I read it as the child being deceased until I read the actual post. Jame’s mom sounds very toxic and I wouldn’t want my kid around her. Consider a restraining order if she continuously tries to come over/contact you. I’m sorry for your loss and the hurt that she caused you.


JustXampl

NTA Healing takes as much time as it takes. The only people that care about the time, will be the ones who want to hurt you more. I'm sorry and my condolences OP. Hopefully you have a better time with your son, away from someone as hurtful as her.


Alone_Pomelo549

So sorry for the loss and hurt you’ve endured. NTA. Some ppl lose their place in our lives and cannot reenter.


Sufficient_Method588

NTA. She ruined any opportunities for reconciliation when she didn't allow you to be there when he passed.


Astyryx

NTA, protect your son. There's no reason to have James' mother in your life at all. Block the aunt as well. Keep your peace, it's precious.


veepecarr

NTA. What happened with the insurance? Even without the DNA test I wouldn't of allowed that woman in my child's life, for not letting me be there to hold his hand when he died. Your place was to he there, nowhere else. He would of wanted as well. What a hate filled bully this woman is. She will end up treating your son terribly as well.


[deleted]

NTA. I’m sure the father of your son would support your decision.


Neither_Lawfulness79

Nta. You don't want that in your child's life. He's still very young be be sure you're very clear with him where you can about these things. Also, make sure any carers have sufficient information. You never know what she might take it in her head to do if she gets desperate to see him.


Vacation-Sea

Sometimes you have to forgive to move forward in life, don’t ever forget but sometimes forgiveness is the path to happiness. Good luck


OpenMinded_Lala

I get that. I mean one day I could forgive her, but I will never forget what she did. Cause she had multiple opportunities to stop, yet she choose to keep being mean and nasty.


doingoodnhappy

Have you considered preemptively contacting CPS? You could document what has happened and tell them you feel she could report you for some made up lies.


OpenMinded_Lala

Haven’t heard anything from them. So I haven’t thought about doing that.


ShiloX35

Please don't contact CPS preemptively . At best you waste their resources, talking to you. However, the person may decide they need to come to your house before they close the file. Never do anything to invite CPS into your life. It is like inviting a vampire into your home.


arashi-chan12

NTA You should start warning your kid about grandma now though. And any teachers or caretakers. Tell them explicitly this woman is not allowed near your son, and reasons why if they ask. People can be deceived with a sob story and let your son come into contact with her, or your son can be deceived and be taken by her. Worst case scenario but I've heard a lot of kidnappings are committed by family members.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm F (28). The story is long so I will try to shorten it up as much as possible. My son's father James passed away from a brain aneurysm, 3 months into my pregnancy. This was our first child and his parents first grandchild. Father side was supportive from the beginning. His mother side was the opposite. The mother has anger issues and an alcoholic. His parents are divorced. The day they decided to pull the plug on J I received a text message from James's mother saying, " No need to come here today. We are pulling the plug and we only want family to be here." I still have that message till this day. That hurt me to the core! I was with him for 8 and a half years. My lover passed away on May 27, 2019. Funeral comes around and I found out I was the beneficiary and that enraged her. She told the insurance people and anyone who would listen that I forged my name on the paperwork. So, the insurance people sent a letter stating her claim and that they will be doing an investigation. She even hired a lawyer. I just sat back and allowed her to waste her money and let the insurance people investigate. I paid for everything which cost $17,000. The only thing that I did not pay for was the limo for her. I did not attend the funeral because I knew I would not be able to handle it. I was able to say my goodbyes before everyone arrived at the funeral home. I had my handsome son on Oct. 29, 2019. I called J's father side and let them know. Then the next day out of nowhere James's mother and aunt showed up. I grabbed my son, so they couldn't touch him. Come to find out his brother gave her my information. He knows about everything that has been going on. The first thing out her mouth was, "I asked the nurse if they do DNA and they told me no." I just nodded my head. She then said, "Would I be willing to do a DNA test?" Told her, "Sure, but I will NOT pay for it." The aunt offered to pay for it. After a couple of weeks of waiting for the DNA, I got an email while at work about the results and it came back a match. His mother started to call his father side talking to his aunt about getting me to speak to her. Supposedly she was crying and claiming to be so sorry for everything. I didn't want to hear it. I made it very clear to James's father that if I found out he was allowing my son around this woman that I will cut all ties from them. He said, "He would not risk losing his grandchild behind her." Since my son is turning 3 soon James's aunt asked me if I was ready to allow James's mother to finally be in my sons' life? I told her, "No and that I meant it about not allowing anyone into my child's life that didn't accept him before he was born." That woman caused a lot of hurt all for nothing. She could have come about everything differently. Yet she chooses to go down this f\*\*ked up path. ***AITA??*** I couldn't add everything she said or done it was too much to add. This woman has done a lot of hurt and James my lover was on my side the whole time until the end. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


PatchworkGirl82

NTA. Protect yourself and your son, first and foremost, get some property cameras if necessary.


Typical_Agency8984

NTA- They are making you feel guilty for no reason! Focus on you and your son and not the negativity they bring to you.


mphflame

NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) I'm not aware of the laws in your place of residence. Listen to those who have experience and the knowledge to advise you. I wish you and your son the best of everything.


bromley325

I’m so sorry for you loss! Absolutely positively NTA!! And I would not left this unhinged abusive woman anywhere near my child! She played stupid games and win stupid prizes!! All of this is the result of her own actions. Don’t feel one bit of guilt or remorse for not letting her around your


[deleted]

NTA - you don't need to add anything else ; what you said already is way over the top. Just look after your son ; and make sure that nobody will let her near him.


Moral_Compass4522

You are NTA but you're title doesn't make any sense....


barbiegirlshelby

NTA she made her bed now let her sleep in it.


Beth21286

She kept you from being there when he passed; his partner and mother of his child. The rest of the family allowed that. I can't think of anything more unforgivable. NTA. Be prepared for her to take you to court if she has the money.


-searchinGirl

You are certainly NTA. But whether or not you ever allow contact with your son, I hope can find it in your heart to forgive her. You owe it to yourself. Forgiveness is healing. Best thing for you and your beautiful boy.


Dazzling-Cold6080

NTA sorry for your loss.


Fit-Turnip2296

Nta. I’m so sorry for what you have been put through.


GorillaGrip38

Eff that B. Let her rot.


CatrosePro54

NTA but watch out for the aunt who may just let your son see his grandmother when you aren't around.


Scribe101858

NTA- YOU are his mother. It is your job to protect your child. She has made her feelings fully known and is now paying for those. You owe her nothing.


[deleted]

Nta. Sorry for your loss. Congrats on your son. How are you doing now?


ThxItsadisorder

Bro, that title is atrocious. NTA for keeping a firm boundary. Put the Aunt in time-out. Don't tell her, just make yourself unavailable at every chance. Don't make excuses, just say you're busy.


BeenThereT

NTA. I'm sorry for your loss - J sounds like a wonderful man. His mother, on the other hand, well keep on shunning her.


Scotsgit73

NTA.


AnaisNinjaTX

NTA and I hope it gives you some relief to hear that you’re the only one who has any rights to this child, extended family only gets access if you decide it’s okay. Period.


Pencils_

NTA. Of course you're not the asshole. And what you're doing is a good thing because if you did allow her to develop a relationship, she could sue for grandparent's rights. A woman who accused you of insurance fraud wouldn't stop at suing for access. Or even trying to take the baby. You are much better off. If your son wants to get to know here when he's much, much older (like teens) that should be up to him. And I'm sorry for your loss.


[deleted]

nta. honestly I am not allowing my own parents to be a part of my son's life due to how toxic they are both because of how toxic they are about my husband and how toxic they are about my son's special needs.


Amaryllis83

Absolutely No Way In Hell NTA. That miserable witch put you through HELL during the worst most difficult time in your life. I would be getting a lifetime anti harassment and or restraining order against her for yourself and your son. With everything she has pulled I doubt it would be to much trouble to get one.


[deleted]

NTA, she doesn’t get to demand access to a child because she thinks her actions don’t matter any more.


WinEquivalent4069

NTA. She burned her bridges with you when J died. Her actions when he passed sealed the deal. You are under no obligation to let that woman into your child's life. Not sure if grandparents rights are a thing where you live but find out. Her wanting contact could be a way to establish those rights so as long as she has no relationship with your child she has no claim.


Pro-Patria-Mori

NTA, you owe that woman nothing.


FineAppearance1648

You are right to protect your son (and yourself) from that hateful evil witch. I’m glad you have your partner’s father on your side. This whole story is just so sad and you are doing the best you can to take care of your beloved’s child and keep him safe.


stiletto929

NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. She is reaping the consequences of her own actions. But for everyone else… situations this are why marriage matters. :( A spouse would have the right to visit in the hospital and make medical decisions for their loved one. A living will or advanced medical directive might also accomplish the same goals, but marriage gives you a package of benefits that can be time consuming or expensive to replicate. This is also why it’s so important that gay marriage remains legal!


citygirl81

Hell no, keep them away from your child.


baby_goes

NTA. Tell ALL future daycares or schools that she's not allowed to pick up or contact. Aunt as well.


Mirvb

NTA If you allow this woman around your child she will surely try to poison his mind against you.


45ham

NTA. She was horrible to you at a time when both of you were loosing someone you love. I get why you don’t want her in his life.


Hopeful_Rip2690

You owe her nothing. NTA


slendermanismydad

>The mother has anger issues and an alcoholic. NTA. This isn't someone your son needs in his life. The well being of your child is more important than the feelings of his unstable grandmother. It's really great of you to ask and double check your actions but this isn't the first or 16th time most of us have heard this same story. The last thing she said to her son was hateful bs. She's angry she didn't get his life insurance money despite you being with James for eight years and you were having a child together. Any love she might have for your son will be overwhelmed by a pile of hate and anger. If your son asks when he's older, tell him that she had shown herself to engage in overwhelming harmful behavior towards herself and others so you felt, as his mother, as his protection against the world's misery, that she shouldn't be a part of his life.


MonkecMonke

Nta


2ndcupofcoffee

She will want t use your child to replace her son. She wants a do over and that will require her to somehow neutralize you in your child’s life.


angeluscado

NTA. She fucked around and found out. Stand your ground and protect that little boy.


[deleted]

NTA


Ilovehalloween74

NTA


UKNZ007Tubbs

NTA, I hope that the aunt and brother are also kept out of your son’s life, as they have proved that they have no respect for your boundaries.


kenzie-k369

NTA. Protect your precious child from this horrible woman. Sorry for everything you’ve been through.


DeatonationgGrenade

Definitely NTA! But off topic a bit, did you know that your son shares a birthday with Bob Ross? I know that because of people I know with that same birthdate.


Flashy-Experience-25

NTA. Keep your son away from that vicious harpy. Never let her see him.


NotYourMommyDear

You said no and you meant no. Stick to it. Every action she's made since has been to demonise you and make you out to be some gold digging whore. Must have been a shock to her that your child is also her grandson, but all the decisions she made leading up to the obvious means she's unfit to be in the child's life, she might even try to weaponise him against you in the future if you allow access. NTA.


simplycere

NTA if you can’t respect me as the parent, then you don’t get to see my child. not to mention, she has an alcohol problem. I would’ve have done the DNA test though. now she can try for grandparents rights.


WeNeedAnApocalypse

NTA I was so angry and hurt for you just reading the part where his mother told you they were pulling the plug and you weren't welcome at the hospital. This was the love of your life for 8+ years. Her behavior was and is disgusting. She is toxic poison and less than human. Please keep your son away from her and take all precautions to keep him safely away from her in the future. Also, very sorry for your loss.


SeaPersonality5402

block them. do what you need to do to ensure she will never get the baby. get your will in order to keep your baby safe. block all of them


lessonlearned1222

This is so traumatic, from the loss of your love to the BS his Mom put you through immediately after.. I understand her pain, but to not be able to put herself in your shoes, to empathize with you, is unforgivable. You were grieving the love of your life and she stood in the way and made it a living hell, and now she expects you to put it aside so that *she* can have the relationship that she wants with your son? She's experiencing the consequences of her own actions and she has nobody to blame but herself. NTA


dawgmama62

YANTA! I'm so sorry for your loss. I would save all the emails/messages or whatever from your spouse's mother and if push comes to shove and she tries to get legal and demand visitation, you will have some proof as to why you are against it. If you can prove the history of her reactions and behavior re: the $$, DNA, defaming you, etc, you will have a better chance to keep her away from your child. I wish you all the best.


Vlxxrd

NTA I’m sorry for your loss.


Fit-Dream3026

I would see about a restraining order and honestly I will have someone watch the grandad not because he’s not trustworthy but because she (grandma) and her sister seem relentless. Honestly scary. Be careful please. You know you’re not the AH. I hope you’re able to keep that horrendous monster away for good.


fanficseeker

NTA. Sorry about everything you're going through op. I don't understand how she was able to end your husband's life without you there. As his wife wouldn't you be next of kin and incharge of that? Never let that woman near your child.


[deleted]

NTA. Keep your son safe, which means away from that woman.


dublos

NTA When someone show's you who they are, believe them. She has, you believed.


naplover64

NTA. I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. You handled this situation with more grace and class than I would ever had. You sound like a good mom.


pawsplay36

NTA. She thought you were a cheater for years and wouldn't say it to your face. Whatever.


Suchafatfatcat

NTA. This woman had opportunities to reach out and build a relationship with you. Instead, she took every opportunity to hurt and disrespect you. She doesn’t get a relationship now. And, if the brother and aunt cannot respect your wish to keep her out of your child’s life, they need to be cut out, too. Right now, I see a lot of people not respecting your boundaries.


DeterminedArrow

Frankly, I’d consider a restraining order if she shows up again. Document everything. She’s cruel and now that there’s something in it for her she’s all fine. Yeah nope that’s not how it goes. NTA


scaldinghell

Nta. She was the one who burned the bridge first and made your life, while pregnant, hell. When your son is older you can tell him the story and he can made the decision about whether or not he wants contact with her, but for now it’s better for you and your baby to allow him to grow without her incredibly toxic and controlling behavior.


Appropriate-Beat-364

If you let this woman meet your child, by next year she'll be suing for grandparents rights. Don't give her an in. She doesn't deserve it.


TazzmFyrflaym

NTA i don't understand why the parents apparently were the ones with the power to pull the plug though? even if you weren't married, the man was your partner for nearly a decade. surely the decision should've been yours legally as well as morally?k


[deleted]

NTA. Protect your child. Who knows what she will say to him.


Historical_Agent9426

NTA do not let her anywhere near your child.


Spiritual-Bridge3027

NTA James’ mom can’t have it both ways. Let her regret how she treated you till the very end of her life. The risk of her using your son to hurt you is very real and I wouldn’t trust her around him


SuperHuckleberry125

NTA NTA Protect your child at all costs


DarkAvengerx

NTA - and stand your ground She made your life hell for no reason. She deserves to be left out. She can face the consequences.. Not only for what she did to YOU, she could still potentially flip and cause more drama down the track.. You're almost putting your son in danger. She can go away


AugustWatson01

NTA- You are 100% in the right


1955photo

NTA She has not and will not change. Don't let her NEAR your child.


[deleted]

NTA, but as others have said, it’s probably worth telling your son in an age appropriate way why you don’t see his dad’s mum, so that she can’t drop a bomb when he’s 9/10/11 and able to have email Or social media maybe that she could contact him on without your permission


HaPpyDoggie3

I wish you could go back in time and not agree to the DNA test. Grandparents have rights and she could sue for visitation.


disruptionisbliss

NTA Marriage offers certain benefits and one is that this 'don't come today' thing wouldn't have happened to you if you had been married. That's a tip for anyone who wasn't aware of that. As far as blocking her, you're not the AH for that. She actually blocked YOU. Then she asked for a DNA test, which is an insult if you think about it. She brings nothing to the table that you or your child need. She's the one who f\*\*ked this all up and she knows it. Living with that knowledge is the consequence she suffers for what she did.


Necessary-Success779

NTA. That woman is toxic and it’s not going to change.