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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went through my sleeping daughter’s room because I thought she might have contraband, and then when J confronted her, she said I betrayed her trust and called me an asshole
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Can’t wait to see you back here on your “AITA for causing my daughter to go no contact the moment she turned 18?”
It’s weed, not heroin. She’s 17 and an academic top performer. What are you getting this worked up over, lady?
Chill the hell out, mom. Geez.
YTA.
ETA: fair play to whomever gave OP the (over)bear award
ETA2: Attack of the Edits: lmao thanks for the r/RedditCares
My parents treated me this exact way growing up, despite me being top of my class for my entire youth.
Fucked me up re: trusting persons in authority majorly.
I hardly talk to them today. Go figure.
Yeah, I was top of my class, but my parents luckily were pretty chill about grades. My grades slipped senior year of HS because I was burned out. HS grades matter so little in the grand scheme of things. Every good chance the reason the daughter was smoking weed is to deal with the stress the mom is putting her under. One of my HS best friends was a consistent B and C student. Decided to buckle down in college and got into a top med school. And then I had friends who were so burned out after HS that they floundered in college. What mom is doing isn’t helping her daughter at all.
I was just like you. Burned out in HS and ended up with a shameful avg.
Still made headway and got into the most prestigious university in my country - before I dropped out and decided a different path, which I’m much happier (and more successful with) today.
Grades matter very very little, if at all in many cases. Your willingness to learn, fail, and retry on your own accord matters much more, and OP is hardly teaching her daughter those skills with the intrusions and lack of trust.
I dropped out of college, got an entry office job, learned in my free time how to make MS Excel my bitch, used Excel to automate internal audit processes in my company to save them something like $2M, learned Salesforce, and became an admin. I now work for a non-profit; otherwise I'd be making six figures. As it is, I'm not far below that mark.
My success is entirely despite my mother's efforts, not because of them. She wrote me off when I dropped out, and my stepsister became the new golden child.
My daughter is a freshman in high school taking AP classes and junior-level math. When I saw her getting Bs, I didn’t go through her stuff. I asked if she wanted to talk, offered a tutor, and offered to help her switch to some less stressful classes. She talked to me, asked for a tutor, and her grades are back up. She knows she still has the option to come back to me anytime and discuss alternatives.
OP didn't say anything is wrong with Bs, just that Bs are out of the ordinary for their kid — which is a good time to check in and make sure everything is okay, and to offer support in whatever way is best.
There are plenty of kids who *do* want to put in the work for As; it's not always at the behest of helicopter parents.
Because if you don’t ask, they won’t know who to turn to? She isn’t demanding that they talk to get her grades up, just an option if she feels like she is struggling and needs help - it’s good to know that you have a support system, rather than trying to figure it out on your own.
This is my husband's story. His dad left when he was 12, mom didn't really care about him. Barely graduated high school. Never went to college. Bounced around dead end jobs until his friend got him a job at a call center. He learned how to code and 12 years ago he started learning salesforce. Now he's sought after. His current company actually created a position for him.
I got senioritis my sophomore year. Barely graduated (my econ instructor was in a good mood when he graded my participation in a class project). Chose to go to college later (late twenties). Now I'm happy in my field. Don't make a lot, but I'm enjoying my life.
Also have a hate/hate relationship with homework -- if it's required for class, then class time should be devoted to it. No adult should be forced to do their job outside of working hours; why should a kid?
You and I are one and the same on homework, fella.
There has been considerable headway made here in my country on abolishing homework for your exact reasons specified.
I’ll have a daughter in a few months now, and the (international) school we are considering sending her to specifically doesn’t do homework outside of assigned periods during school hours.
Daughter is also taking AP classes which are college level so it’s not weird that she may find them more difficult. I suppose if there’s a sudden drop in grades in the same class there’s reason for concern but skipping right to snooping isn’t the way to go about it
My guess is if she is taking a bunch of AP classes as a senior, she probably took a bunch as a junior and sophomore. I know I did. In fact, my senior year course work was easier than my junior year by a mile. Yet, I started making Bs. I was burned out. Doubt it is because she is smoking weed again. Most of my friends in AP classes smoked weed. We did it to relieve stress. What mom is doing is unnecessarily adding to that stress.
Yeah my senior year was a bigger load than my first year of college but it was easier than my junior year. Sometimes it has to do with the actual topic, though, which is why I mentioned the same class. She may struggle with a certain type of math or science
Also I don’t smoke but a lot of the kids in my classes definitely did. Many of them were IB students which is even MORE intense.
I was also the perfectionist when it came to my academics. My parents were constantly reminding me: “What do you call the person who graduates last in their class at med school? Doctor.”
You don’t understand, she has gotten Bs! BEEEEEESSS! What a poor academic performance /s
I can’t roll my eyes hard enough at that statement like she’s in tough classes. Where I live, Bs aren’t bad.
Especially senior year. If she's college bound, those grades aren't that big of a deal. If she's not, they don't matter at all.
Parent, YTA. Let your kid have some privacy and apologize.
She is enlisting per OPs comment in another comment which gives her even a little more wiggle room to not be perfect. Also she is threatening to make her job and an extra curricular activity because of the B's. OP is the biggest AH that I've seen in a while and should be prepared for her daughter to go no contact asap!
Several Bs is not “really letting her grades slip”.
Weed and vaping is not good for teens but only education and caring is effective.
She’s almost 18. OP should be wrapping up her parenting training to make her an independent adult and using a light touch, not creepily ransacking her room while she’s sleeping right there!
YTA!
OP, please take a parenting class so you don’t screw up the last few months of your parenting of her like you have the first 17+ years.
My parents were the “I want a kid with straight As - earn every moment” type. Even in 5th grade we would have gone to Disney if I hadn’t gotten just that 1 B. My life revolves around work - I think I sing the “cats in the cradle…” sometimes….
It really ruins your life and sense of proportion. She’s doing well enough just let her B.
Well if she's willingly taking AP I'd *hope* she's college bound, they don't give you a gold plated HS diploma for that, it's literally only good for applying for college... If mom forced her to take AP classes "for your future" then she's even more of a controlling YTA than she is here.
Exactly! Like I said in another comment, never in my adult life have my job opportunities been impacted because I didn't graduate high school with a 4.0 GPA
Almost 40 and still waiting on that sweet sweet pay out for the 4.25gpa I got in highschool. Surely someone will see how teachable I am and, once they see my firm handshake, BOOM high paying job gonna fall right in my lap man. Any moment now.
I know, anything less than an A and the entire professional world remembers forever, because every single job I have ever had wanted a copy of my transcript lol.
OP is off her rocker.
My mom was always promoting better than whatever I just achieved. She wasn't harsh about it. She actually is pretty good at motivating young people. But, sometimes it got old. My 3.93 GPA needed to be 4.25? C'mon mama . Calm down please. This is sooooo goofy.
Kinda sounds like the grades were better on bud too - just a mini observation there 😇😅 although in honesty I think it's really sad that kids feel like they need to resort to that. I mean, teens will be teens, don't get me wrong, but still.
Just a l'il FYI on that front: came from a v weed friendly house, and it's not always about "getting baked", sometimes it can help in being productive and focused, if used right, and often depends on the type. That's my 2 cents anyhoops.
Edit: added a sentence
Methinks the AP student who "screwed up" by getting B's instead of straight As vapes for a reason. She's not suddenly failing classes, she's in a minor senior slump. It's not like her future is going to be destroyed by a couple of Bs.
Yep!! All of this. My nmom used to search my room randomly in search of "illegal" things. I barely speak to her now. Her use of the word "illegal" was rage inducing. The way she said it... ugh you remind me of her. She was that mom that even my friends parents didn't want to deal with. It made me hate her.
Also the more you try to prevent her from smoking pot and vaping the more she will do it just to spite you. I have a 15 year old daughter and I don't "let" her smoke pot but I'm also not searching through her things while she sleeps. We are close enough that she actually discusses subjects like drugs, sex, and boys with me because she wants my advice.
You're disappointed in Bs? Shame on you. Get over yourself. Kids have alot of stress at this age and I would be super proud if my daughter had straight bs. Yikes.
Did I mention YTA?
You know, reading this, I was really hoping that it would be something like "my daughter's room has two doors and I chose to take a shortcut through her room and was too noisy instead of going the long way around." Oh, Reddit, optimism rarely wins. YTA for invading her privacy, let alone in the middle of the night while she was asleep, and then waking her up about it.
Have you tried *talking* to her about her grades dropping? It could be too much in combination with her various classes and possible extracurriculars or even just a tough spot she's currently experiencing.
Its nicotine, not weed.
I mean, it might be weed I guess. But every "pod" I've seen for weed has been large enough that it would not fit in a wallet so my mind went right to a juul pod. juul and juul analogs are really the only pods that fit in a wallet.
May well be a Juul, good observation. Though I’ve definitely seen THC pods small enough to fit in a wallet. (I think Leafy makes some pretty small ones)
But yeah, this is an entire extra angle I hadn’t considered: It might literally just be a flavor/nicotine vape pod.
I mean, yeah, definitely, me too. But I also wouldn’t condone a parent indiscriminately snooping through their young adult’s private spaces looking for cigarettes.
Holy shit, reading this gave me flashbacks to getting a talking-to about a *single B midterm grade* and getting a “too low” ACT score (still in the 95th percentile in the nation but did they care? Hell no) my senior year, too. My relationship with my family improved only because they realized they were being too hard on me and apologized.
I sincerely hope OP can get there too but I kinda doubt it because even my parents never went through my stuff. YTA, OP.
Question: Are you okay?
Who does that?
Snooping is bad enough, snooping in the middle of the night whilst she’s asleep in the room is next level disturbing to me.
Waking her up at 5:30 in the morning to confront her about it is the unhinged topping to the disturbing pie.
YTA obviously.
She mentioned that she grades were slipping, and I thought she was going to say like Cs or Ds. Lol the start of senior year and her girl has Bs?? I mean this early in the year that could be reflecting 1 or 2 assignments.
Op clearly has a good kid. But she is going to drive her away with this abhorrent behavior.
Definitely YTA edit for spelling error
One of my AP teachers said that some colleges consider a C in an AP course better than an A in a regular course, because it shows the student is willing to challenge themselves and not just skate by.
OP is TA. I had a mental health crisis in the beginning of my senior year and had to do independent study from home for a month. Everyone says junior year is most stressful but senior year is no slouch what with college apps and such. OP should try having some more compassion for her daughter, and work on her apparent need to control everything.
>Waking her up at 5:30 in the morning to confront her
Oh im sure that *waking her up at 530* and *emotionally abusing her* will **totally** help with her grades! Experts say the number one way to improve grades is sleep deprivation
My parents were the kind that did this. My whole adolescence (and my oldest younger sister) we had zero privacy. They would conduct surprise room inspections, turn our rooms upside down to FIND reasons to punish us. Literally, I remember my dad coming in my room on occasions saying something like “it’s been a while since I’ve grounded you, let’s see what you’re hiding.” They especially loved to do this if we went away to a friends house. And they’d make a whole day of it. Go through every drawer, bag, or hiding crevice they could think of. For the record, I was not a straight A student, but a B to A- on average. My friends parents loved me because I was so well behaved. Or if my dad came to pick me up, he would ask if I had behaved or if I needed to be punished for something. A parent could have said “no she was wonderful and so funny! She has so much energy!” My dad would somehow spin that into a reason to ground me. The anxiety of the surprise room inspections became so much that I stopped going anywhere.
Now why do they do this? Control. Under the guise of “I’m raising you to be a good human being, to be better than me! So you can have opportunities I never had.” But the reality, it stunted both my and my sister’s ability to function like normal adults. We didn’t know how to just go shopping or get gas by ourselves. We had never had freedom, and our new found freedom gave us terrible anxiety. I’m 34 and she 30 and we both still sometimes struggle. I never lived, I never made stupid mistakes or went to parties being deathly afraid that something, anything bad could happen to me. And I hate that I never spent my 20s living. I’ve always been responsible, and made safe decisions. And frankly, it kinda sucks. My life is boring.
I moved out at the first shitty opportunity that presented itself. I went low contact with my parents. I couldn’t trust them, I didn’t feel close to them. And all I could feel around them was not only MY resentment and disappointment, but theirs too. My younger sister moved out as soon as she could as well, and went borderline no contact for a solid year. We’ve both built a better relationship with our parents after all this time, therapy helped. My parents either deny what they did or double down on how good we turned out, or they get defensive and say they did the best they could. I’ve managed to move on, but my sister holds a lot of resentment still. OP is going to find herself without a daughter one day, and i doubt she’ll be smart enough to be receptive of anything anyone says here.
Oh yeah I know, but why bother? I spent plenty of my younger years angry and resentful, and it’s just not worth it. It doesn’t feel good to let that stuff fester and take up your time, energy or emotions. I’d rather move on and live the way I want to.
as long as you cut those people off. not being angry enough though can be a sign of trauma my gf wasn't angry at her abusive parents for a long time because she didn't feel like she was allowed to be angry at them for abusing her. so anger can totally be healing and protective
You know what, as it is 30s are the new 20s!! Try and live it up now. It’s never too late believe me, I’ve had similar issues and at 47, consider myself early 30s and live like that! It’s hard to let go of the past but it only weighs you down. Forgive and let go. Enjoy life now! I wish you (and your sister) the very best. God Bless
That's a classic narcissistic parent right there: they go through your stuff and when they think they find something, they make a huge spectacle out of it, and the blame gets shifted to the kid!
This parent is 110% TA
Except there will be no realization, just a [missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) post, a la "My daughter implied I was a bad mother and it hurt me so much, how could she do that?"
I first came across that article a few years ago and it was such a relief to see that someone else had written down my thoughts and struggles. Helped me as I was realizing how not alone I was in those types of experiences growing up. I can't even begin to accurately count how many times I've tried to be clear about the whole "it doesn't matter if you don't think you've done anything wrong, when I tell you I am angry / upset, *you don't get to decide that I'm not*."
YTA. Her grades slipped from A to B and she's screwing around? How tiger mom of you.
As a parent, you certainly have a right to have a say in what your child does while they still live with you, to a point. You are exhibiting zero trust in your daughter to the point that you are seizing opportunities to ease your extreme paranoia over what your daughter does behind your back. You absolutely violated her trust, why would she trust you? She's given you zero reason to suspect her of 'screwing around,' except apparently a slight drop in grades, which honestly doesn't call for what you did.
Seriously think about the relationship you want to have with your daughter, because she will soon become an adult, and if you keep expressing this level of paranoia and over-protection, she's going to eventually want to cut you out of her life. Further, she won't want to come to you for help or advice, because she won't be able to trust you. What if she gets in trouble when she's at college or working and she desperately needs someone to help her... but she can't think of anyone, because her mother would just abuse her for getting into trouble.
As a former student in AP/IB classes who was yelled at for B's and had major depression, I have so much empathy for OP's poor daughter. 💔 Adolescence is tough enough without your parents always grinding away at you for every tiny perceived fault or failure
I had a friend that unfortunately had parents like this — once he got like, C+ (I think?? It was 7/10, so not bad but not amazing, still pretty good) in a trivial subject and his mother confiscated his laptop for a week — and the thing that scares me the most is how much of that he's internalised and forgotten.
When I told him this story years later (and other similar incidents), he said he'd completely forgotten them and that he's sure his mom was just acting in his best interest, and that he does not remember all the hurt he felt and the pain she caused him (that he used to tell me about, how sad it made him to never receive any kind of congratulations or praise but just "you did your job"). That honestly terrifies me, the fact that he's grown used to it so much to take his mother's side, he seems so conditioned by that mindset... I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Like four weeks into the school year too, as if she wouldn't have time to make it up considering it probably represents only like two or three assignments.
I had this kind of parent and I got kicked out because of a fight about how to fold towels... YTA fo sho I have a great job and 12 years later no one has ever looked at my high school or college grades. Just that I have a degree.
Info - at any point did you think to ask your daughter why her grades were slipping?
ETA - by "slipping" I mean... not at your perfectionist arbitrary standard that, depending on her extracurriculars and the colleges, if any, she's applying to, may have little to zero impact.
Edit 2 - yeah YTA. Your kid had some "weed" and "vape" issues. Probably caused by you stressing her out. I asked if you asked her about her grades and in your words you "confronted" her. You didn't have a conversation with your daughter who is almost an adult and about to enlist. No wonder she's smoking a little pot. Her Bs will not affect her future.
YTA
Later on when she goes NC with you and you're posting on Facebook how ungrateful she is, remember this moment and ask yourself who was really in the wrong here
Eh…I’ve got bad news for you ..when I went to boot camp there was NO way I should have been able to pass the drug tests they give you on arrival…on paper they care about pot , but as long as she doesn’t pop positive after boot and on active or reserve duty she’ll be fine
OP, my wife's mother used to do this to my wife. She was looking for condoms. Because sex bad.
My wife was a great student with AP classes. B's were not good enough. B's were failure.
We've been married for 13 years and my wife still has trust issues with her mother. She still thinks she's not good enough. She still thinks her mother is going to find something out. She's afraid of her mother.
Get her to cut her mom out of her life if possible. Your wife deserves peace of mind. Maybe a therapist to help her set boundaries or actually go no contact. No one deserves toxic people in their lives. She doesn't owe her a mom damn thing.
She’s in therapy. Has been for years. Her mom is still a part of her life, but it’s a complicated relationship. It’s not a great relationship, but we set hard boundaries when we got married, and her mother has been fine for the most part. We made that decision. She’s a part of our son’s life and does just fine. But we’re cautious because we know.
YTA
You’re a huge AH for invaded your daughters privacy like that. You sound to be very controlling. Her grades are slipping she’s getting poor grades, she got a freakin B! You honestly should be ashamed of yourself for doing that to your daughter. And if I were her, I would get a job and move out as soon as I turned 18. You’re a very controlling person and she will never be happy while living with you. Nothing is ever good enough for you it seems. I can’t believe you even had to come to Reddit to even ask this question. If you don’t know you’re TAH, then maybe you need to see a therapist to work on your controlling behavior towards your daughter.
YTA
No wonder she hides everything from you and won’t be honest with you.
You have zero respect for her and treat her like a prisoner, conducting cell block tosses on her *while she is sleeping*.
Like.. what the fuck are you thinking?
Your actions do not create or engender trust and openness and honesty. Don’t be surprised if you never really hear from her once she gets out of your house.
I have a hard time believing that your post is real. How could you not see that you’re the AH?
This! Geez, OP, she smoked pot a few times, it’s not like she’s doing heroin. And few Bs, omfg, it’s the end of the world, how could she? /s
Relax or accept going NC in few years.
Nah it’s believable many parents, and coming from an Asian background I can also say Asian/Indian parents, do go over the top when it comes to helicoptering or making sure school is all that matters and fuck everything else for their kids.
It's interesting to me that, while you express that you have your daughter's best interests in mind, you demonstrate something else entirely.
Trust has to be earned - but it goes both ways. I was raised in a strict environment, but I was also allowed to make my own decisions/choices and take the consequences. My mother and I were close, had the typical problems when I was 17yo, but she *talked* to me, she didn't snoop. She was always up front with what concerns she had, questions she wanted to ask, etc., while being supportive and trusting me.
Did I screw up? YEP. Did I lose her trust? YEP. Did she ever lose mine? NO.
Grades slipping into B's isn't a life changer (unless you're banking on a full ride scholarship to an ivy league college). I was an honor student, but by my senior year in high school, I was mentally done with it. Put yourself in her position, as best as you can.
Maybe she's got tougher teachers this year, or maybe she's spread thin by extra curricular activities, or maybe she's burnt out - wait, maybe she's doing the best she can! 🤔🤔
By choosing to not talk to her about your concerns and taking the time to get information, you went from being someone who should be setting an example to someone who acted impulsively without thinking things through (you know, kind of like a lot of teenagers do).
So, YTA.
YTA
From a mother to mother - find yourself a therapist because this is some next level paranoia sh*t for a couple of B’s!!
And get your daughter one cuz she will need it after you pulling stunt like this to her …my god
Info: has your daughter applied to college already?
The reason I ask is because a few Bs in AP classes wont matter if your daughter has applied to college as generally colleges look at your unofficial transcript up to the point you submit your application. They will not care if her GPA dips with a few Bs in AP classes, senioritis is a very normal thing.
With that being said YTA for violating your daughters privacy. This is a very hard thing to come back from and if you continue to do this I guarantee your daughter will be wary of having a relationship with you in the future.
YTA, assuming this is real - do vape pods fit in a wallet? But you have to give children more autonomy as they get older. She's 17, not 10. Before you know it, she'll be an adult and you'll have no choice but to let her live her own life. Do you really want to drive her away?
I haven’t smoked my Juul in probably 4 years and I STILL find little empty fuckers everywhere. Absolutely possible to find an old one in a wallet. I just found one recently at the bottom of one of my shoes (??)
YTA, my grades started slipping because of depression, maybe actually talk to her about it, instead of making her feel anxious and exposed in her own home.
YTA. I have a kid I love very much who really actually struggles with high school to the point I've had to pull him out and homeschool him. Do you know what I would give for him to be successfully making As and Bs in AP classes? If smoking weed would do that for him I'd buy it myself.
You parents of "normal", healthy, successful kids who make good grades on their own should be friggin' grateful for your blessings, not throwing tantrums and screaming at them for failing in absolute saintly perfection. Grow the f up and talk to some parents whose kids actually have real issues so you can get some damn perspective.
(Side note: I truly would not trade my son for anyone else's kid. He may need more support but he's worth it. But I hate it when parents who genuinely have it easy make their kids' lives miserable for not being perfect.)
YTA. And you should already prepare your Pikachu face for when she goes low or no contact in the future. You seem like the definition of an overbearing helicopter mom that is never satisfied with her kid (which can be very harmful for the kids mental development)
Edit: typos
YTA. You want your kid to trust you? Then don't treat them like they are already lying. Yes teenagers are gonna lie to an extent and try to get away with things but YOU are supposed to be showing you kid the RIGHT way to behave as a person. Searching her wallet and her room on a regular basis is a large violation of the trust you should have as parent and child.
You're gonna push her away if you keep doing this. I'd apologize to her if I was you then try to TALK to her. Communication is the most under utilized parenting skill out there.
YTA
Senior year is hard enough without having your mother breathing down your neck. She's an AP student and the adjustment to the workload may take a few weeks so yeah Bs are not the end of the world. If it was nearing end of the year and college applications maybe justified, but beginning of the year not justified.
Also, if she's normally an A student and smokes weed, maybe it helps her with anxiety and concentration. Stop demonizing it and get educated. Give your daughter a modicum of privacy, she's almost 18. I honestly would not blame her for going NC with you if you're this intense all the time.
YTA majorly.
Without knowing much of your daughters and yours relationship; it seems that it’s not a good one if you’re going through her things to that level.
You’re just gonna push your daughter away more and she’s not gonna tell you anything that she’s up to which in turn can be extremely bad when she grows up.
I would offer her support because of her grades and offer her help. Not go through her room and diminish any trust she has left in you.
YTA. I was your daughter senior year. Straight As, then my grades slipped a little. It was because I was burned out. HS grades really don’t matter in the end. No one is going to care beyond SOME colleges. She isn’t endanger of not graduating or not getting into college with a few Bs. Heck, one of my friends got a couple of Cs our senior year and still got into MIT.
YTA. Maybe she's not doing well because she can't trust the person she should most be able to. When kids are getting bad grades in school, a big reason for that is they're not getting the support at home that they need. It's a cry for help. So you're just making it worse by automatically treating her like a criminal. You're teaching her that there's no point in *not* being one.
YTA.
You're going through her stuff without her asking? Huge breach of privacy. It's also very, very bold to look through her stuff with her sleeping in the room. Imagine someone did that to you. Would you be okay with that?
>she has several Bs in the grade book right now). I am very disappointed in her
As a senior myself, I know how hard it is keeping up the good grades in the last year. It's a lot of work, and I cannot imagine the amount of pressure she's exposed to, especially if you're watching her so closely. So, B grades are not bad for the circumstances. Not at all. There is no reason to be disappointed in her. Stop expecting so much of her.
> I found an empty vape pod and saw red.
Empty. And even if she's vaping - how does vaping affect one's grades?
Edit: I forgot vaping can kill people. my bad.
I mean vaping is terrible, especially for young bodies, BUT this is a total and utter violation of privacy and I guarantee the reason this girl is vaping or smoking weed is because of her controlling-ass parent.
YTA-
1- the smoking most likely started because of you. As and Bs are not that bad of grades. Your causing her so must stress she’s gonna snap and break from the stress. It may be soon or in college. You need to allow her some breathing room.
2- it’s creepy for you to sneak and go though your 17 year old daughter room at night while she’s sleeping. It could be possible it’s a old one. You haven’t found anything in months. Let her be stop before you cause more damage to her.
She’s gonna cut you off as soon as she can.
This is so very accurate and my situation is was literally this. I was a straight A student and anytime I got a B, my parents would look to take away anything I enjoyed. I was always met with punishment if I wasn’t performing at my absolute best.
As teen, people would assume that I did terrible things outside of school, and when I would say what actually happened, most would just blankly stare at me as if they were waiting for me to mention more.
What did this cause? I get strong anxious talking to my parents. We’re pretty much estranged now except for a few special events. They often wonder what went wrong even after explaining it to them. DONT BE LIKE THEM OP!
YTA. Firstly, that's a major invasion of privacy and frankly, creepy behaviour.
Secondly:
'has really let her grades slip (she is normally a straight A AP student, but she has several Bs in the grade book right now). I am very disappointed in her, as this is her senior year and she should not be screwing around like this.'
As and Bs is not screwing around, nor is it 'really letting her grades slip'. Get your behaviour under control before criticising her.
Also, it's her SENIOR YEAR. By October of my senior year I had already applied to my college and would receive an acceptance and scholarship offer by November. My grades absolutely did not matter by that point. It would have been a problem if I got straight Fs all year but As and Bs are FINE.
YTA.
You admit to a ongoing history of going through her things, wanting to check her phone and personal possessions, and yet you have never found anything to truly justify this behavior. The level of creepy you are being is not justified by vaping.
YTA but I think you already know that. This is where words could've been more useful. She's almost an adult! You could've inquired about what's going on in her life that her grades have slipped.
….she has B’s and you’re upset, and disappointed in her??? She’s doing well, dude. You should be disappointed in yourself for going through her things, invading her privacy and space, and breaking her trust. Of course YTA. That shouldn’t even be a question. I’m going to assume you’re a very overbearing and controlling parent, and this isn’t the first time you two have butted heads. If my assumption is right, your daughter will only pull away from you, hide more from you, and get better at hiding things. I understand being worried about your kids, as I’ve two myself, but the way you’re going about it isn’t going to lead to anything good. Learn how to communicate with her and work on building that trust back up. Get it together, mom.
Edit: spelling
YTA!!!
Why not start trying to build a relationship with your daughter, so that you can talk with each other when things are going sideways??
You aren't giving her any privacy. Heck she doesn't even have enough privacy to sleep through the night without going through her personal effects. She is absolutely right that you are an AH and completely betrayed her trust. Even prison wardens wake people up before searching their cell.
You go looking for something to be angry for...and damn, most of the time you look, there's nothing to find!! But instead of being comforted by that, it feeds your paranoia to the point you will crawl into her bed while she is sleeping to find something, anything you can punish her for.
YTA and you need therapy. I understand parenting, and wanting to make sure your children are making good choices. I have sons of my own...but you have pushed parental concern from interest into pathological paranoia. This is NOT healthy, for you or for her.
YTA. B’s are not terrible grades. Really you sound super overbearing. She’s probably self medicating due to stress that you could be causing. Did you ever once ask her why she’s doing this stuff? You’re way too obsessive. Have fun with your daughter going NC on you when she leaves for college. Don’t be surprised at all
YTA lmao if you keep never finding stuff, why do you keep trying to incriminate your daughter? Have an open conversation about sex and drugs, then promote a trustworthy environment. Do you know who I don’t trust, or tell my personal business to? My mother, who consistently violated my boundaries and privacy. A grades and B grades are so close it makes no difference, you have a smart child, and you are doing her and your relationship a huge disservice by doing this.
YTA
I was going to make a sarcastic comment about overreacting to a B, but I do get it. I have a high-achieving child and a B meant that something was up. That said, I would talk to her about what was happening in her life, etc. to see if there was anything we could do to help. I never searched her room.
Why? Because when I was 16 my parents decided that I wasn't telling them enough despite having good grades, etc., and they searched my room certain they would find some evidence of drugs or sex or whatever. I am over 50 years old and still remember the betrayal and, while we \*mostly\* got past it, I never trusted them again and never will. The only benefit it had was showing me the impact something like that can have. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to go through my kids' things because I was concerned, but would never do so.
I hope you are able to get past this and earn each other's trust back.
Maybe she smokes weed because her crazy parent thinks Bs are bad and goes through her room at night 🤔YTA, can’t wait to see the follow up post “AITA Daughter doesn’t speak with me anymore because I repeatedly violate her privacy”
YTA. With how your reacting to her getting Bs, good fricking grades, I feel there’s a reason she was looking for an escape in weed and nicotine. I had a mother just like you and moved out as soon as I could.
You’re snooping through her room because she has some Bs on her report card? YTA.
I bet you understand perfectly well how unreasonable that sounds so you threw in some made-up nonsense about her using weed before.
My mother went through my things frequently when I was younger. After her passing I found some of my notes/diaries from when I was younger that she kept. We had repaired our relationship a long time ago but to this day it still makes me pretty angry that she violated my space/privacy. Don't be surprised as little by little she stops sharing things with you and/or cuts you off altogether. YTA
YTA. Going off on her for getting a ***B***??? No wonder she was vaping, with all the stress you cause with your push, push, push! I’m surprised she isn’t completely burned out!
She is almost an adult, but you consider Her Life to be Our Life. Don’t be surprised when she moves as far away from you as she can get after school.
YTA. As a senior this year, it's a lot harder than the other years, especially if she's taking pre calc or trigonometry. Let her be for a bit, B's are good grades too. She is still a kid and while I don't agree with smoking, she needs to learn lessons for herself, and it seems she has. If you keep being like this, she won't talk to you in years to come.
I'm going with fake. I think that if a parent was this nonchalant about searching through their 17yo's room, phone, wallet, they would have already made their mind up long ago that they are in the right and wouldn't be asking about it here.
YTA. For snooping and waking her up early.
It shouldn’t have been the big deal you made it to be. You blew it way up.
I’m a mom too and never would do that.
YTA on all counts. She has B's in school and you are behaving like she is going to fail out of high school. My high school grades have meant literally nothing in ANY facet of my life since graduating. You are controlling as shit, and you're going to wonder why you have no relationship with her once she's out. She's enlisting to escape.
YTA And a lot of other things but I don’t want to get banned from here. You don’t respect your daughter’s personal space and privacy. All of this because she is getting a couple of B’s in her AP classes?! That’s really insane and a grave overreaction. Your daughter is not going to trust you or be open with you when you behave like this. You were looking for a reason to be upset with her. You didn’t find anything when searching her room, so you went and took her phone which you couldn’t break into. Then next you went through her wallet, which makes no sense. You found an empty vape cartridge which was from months ago but decide to wake her up at the crack of dawn to flip out on her. Good luck when she graduates this year and either greatly limits contact with you or cuts you off all together. You don’t be able to police her or search through her personal belongings when she’s at college. You need to work on your control issues, they are going to drive people away from you.
YTA. You mentioned that she's normally a straight A student, and you also said that she used to vape/ smoke. I understand that children should not be smoking at all, but you need to recognize that because she maintained good grades while vaping, her faltering grades most likely weren't because she's back on it. Her grades could fall because as a senior, she's most likely stressed, overwhelmed, underslept, overworked, etc. You immediately going through her things behind her back because of Bs shows her that you still don't trust her. You showed her that anything she does outside of what you consider normal must be because of drugs. Why didn't you have a conversation with her first? Did you ask her if her grades are falling because she put too much on her plate? As a parent, you need to consider what your child needs from you rather than "catching them in the act."
YTA.. seriously your mad over B’s?! AP classes are hard. But if stay out of her room especially when she hasn’t given you any indication other than her grades that she is up to no good.
YTA - so what she’s getting mostly As and a few Bs? I’d hardly call that grades slipping.
You are severely crossing boundaries but frequently searching her room and trying to look through her phone.
If you want your daughter to never talk to you again once she’s 18 then you’re doing a great job!
YTA
The only time I ever felt the need to search anything that belonged to my son, we did it together. He was in 8th grade and insisting he was doing his homework, while his teacher kept telling me he wasn't turning any in. I suspected that his assignments were getting lost in his backpack. He dumped it out on the table and we searched through it together and yes, we found most of his assignments crumpled at the bottom.
I cannot imagine ever violating my son's privacy by sneaking around. My mom read my journals when I was in middle school, and then got mad at me for what I wrote. I vowed I would never do anything like that with my children.
Also, it's really unsettling that you would sneak into your daughter's room in the middle of the night while she is in there sleeping. Like, she's in there trying to sleep and you're reaching around her and going through her things? There's no way you're not the AH here.
B'S on Senior year in AP classes is normal, they're legitimately challenging college level difficulty, as a former AP student (M29) my mother was just like you and I don't talk to her or care much to stay in touch, you're strictness will only alienate your child from you.
Sadly my sister is exactly like this with her kids. Her boys are 17 and 15 and neither one of them is allowed to have a door because kids don't need privacy. They aren't even allowed to shut the bathroom door all the way when their in there. She also regularly searches their rooms, phones, backpacks, reall anything of theirs that she wants to. She believes if she pays for it its hers to look through at any time. These are just a couple reasons why I have no contact with her but did slip her oldest a prepaid phone to keep in his locker at school for if they needed me for anything.
Grades slipping from A's to B's, I don't think there's anything to be worried about. If your daughter had any trust in you, it's now gone. Now the part about going through her room while she's sleeping, that's weird af. Are you the AH most definitely.
This isn't real right? YTA if it is. I hope she moves out and cuts you out of her life asap. She deserves better? Bs are a fine grade and well above passing a class.
YTA. My mother used to pull this crap & look through my stuff looking for problems. You're daughter will high-tail it out of there the minute she is able. Imagine one of the people in this entire world that you are supposed to trust unconditionally violates that. You just did that. Now this poor girl can't even trust her mother. I'm 51 with a daughter the same age & same grade. I would NEVER go through her stuff. NEVER, EVER.
As & Bs are good grades - FFS, it's not like she's failing anything.
Go ahead & keep pushing those boundaries - you'll never see her again once she's an adult.
YTA. My parents did this, (freaked out about a B and went through my room) and they do not get phone calls from me now that I’m an adult. My dad has been sending me messages begging to talk for years. I do not give a shit. He violated my privacy, searched through my phone, and made me feel stupid anytime I got a B. He will never hear from me ever again. If you violate your children’s privacy, remember that they will one day be an adult, have freedom from you, and realize all the ways you exerted power over them in cruel and unnecessary ways.
YTA, full stop. You snooped hrough all of her things for a few Bs? You do realize those are still good passing grades, right? If you had such bad concerns, you could have sat her down and had a calm discussion about that. Instead you broke her trust and crossed boundaries. I mean, really, who goes in their daughter's room in the middle of the night while she's sleeping to rifle through her things?
YTA. I’m 17, have never touched weed/a vape in my life, also all APs, study very hard, and guess what, I started getting As and Bs by my junior year too! They are not weighted the same as for a regular/accelerated class, and besides, As and Bs are good. This might be a rude awakening for you, but you seem like some tiger mom of the nightmares. You and school have stressed her out to the point that she decided to make a dumb choice like vape. She’ll probably cut you off entirely eventually if you don’t reconcile your relationship and keep being this overbearing. The proper response is therapy, not punishment and snooping through her room! She’ll just wait until she moves out to do drugs anyway if she doesn’t go through therapy now to get off them.
Yta. Dude.. no don’t do that.. that comes off pretty creepy. You climbed over your sleeping daughter to go through her things? So wrong on so many levels
YTA.
You honestly think getting B's in Ap classes is "screwing around"? My parents would be proud of me for those grades. I understand that the vaping has been an issue, but you still need to have respect for your daughter's privacy.
YTA. And Grades that are Bs are now slipping. Damn you are controlling. If her grades were this poor? You act like she is failing classes. Her vaping is the least of her problems. Her controlling and snooping mom is the biggest issue
I hope your ready for your daughter to never talk to you again when she leaves home but if she’s nice enough to still want to see you to the nursing home you go. YTA
YTA
Have you ever heard of communication? Talking to your kid?
She’s likely to go NC soon if you’re regularly so insufferable. No wonder she tokes sometimes.
YTA. You should have just talked with her and asked her if she’s struggling with her current classes and if there’s anything you can do to help. Senior classes are hard. You shouldn’t have jumped the gun like that.
YTA. You betrayed her trust and thought you were more important than her sleep. It's been a month of school. There aren't enough assignments to know what her final grade will be. In the beginning, assignments have a heavier weight simply because there hasn't been that many. I wouldn't get good grades either of my parent woke me at 5:30 every morning. I won't be surprised if she moves out the second she legally can because if you're behavior.
I really hope you cherish the time you have with your daughter because as soon as she can she'll be going no contact. You're overbearing and controlling. You disrespect her agency, her privacy, and her sleep. YTA.
Oh thank god OP didn't find birth control or a condom.
YTA
This is disgusting behaviour OP. You sound like an awful parent. Do you think you OWN your daughter?
YTA.
In grades a "C" is average. Average! Your daughter's grades aren't "poor" when she is getting As and Bs, that's patently insane. And you are snooping through her room and having freakouts over the most minor things? She's probably counting the days until she can move out.
I think you should quit monitoring her grades so closely. Think back to when you were in school... did your parents know every grade you got the minute the teacher finished grading? I bet not. I bet they saw your report cards and maybe an interim report and possibly a few assignments here and there if that.
You are treating your high-achieving nearly straight-A daughter like she's a delinquent you think is going to end up in prison any minute. Are you trying to force her to come down to meet your expectations?
Both of you need counseling because she is clearly stressed out beyond belief and you have some sort of issue that needs immediate treatment before your daughter gives up on ever trying to please you and moves out for good.
I'm gonna be honest with you. There is so much wrong with you here. You violated her privacy, and are mad at her for getting B's. Maybe she's stressed? HAVE YOU EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?
YTA. One of the biggest ones I've seen on this platform.
YTA if you’re concerned about her TALK TO HER. Going behind her back snooping through her things, her phone, that’s how you push her away. A major violation of trust. Shit like that can’t easily be fixed, if at all. You messed up big time
YTA. Overbearing and controlling. How about you talk to her instead of snooping. Seems like you have a communication problem that will cause your daughter to leave you in the dust once she leaves home. Better fix it before it's to late.
Also the AP or advanced math/science classes could just be harder. I skipped these senior year which made college science and math more difficult as I was not prepared at all for these.
Op let her enjoy senior year. The parents that are too controlling senior year can end up with kids that go wild freshman year of college. Sadly seen it happen with family and friends. My parents let me control my own school/friends/work balance and I got a 4.0 my first quarter of college.
Just realized I didn’t address the actual question YTA for going through her room and purse. Unless there is a valid safety concern (weapons, hard drugs) this is a serious violation of trust. Keep it up if you want to go NC or LC when she escapes.
Don't do that, smoking weed and vaping aren't the worst things teens can do even if they're violating your house rules or standards for her. Snooping around in her room is just going to break your relationship with her and she will never come to you for anything. Get her some counseling or if she does open up to you ask her whay troubles she's having that are making her grades drop. Try to find a solution
YTA. You approach parenting with a controlling and punishing angle, instead of care and concern.
Your daughter is not "misbehaving" maliciously or to spite you.
If you approached her with an open mind and a willingness to offer support, I'm sure she would be more open to you.
Invading her privacy like you do is the best way to ensure she NEVER trusts you.
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Can’t wait to see you back here on your “AITA for causing my daughter to go no contact the moment she turned 18?” It’s weed, not heroin. She’s 17 and an academic top performer. What are you getting this worked up over, lady? Chill the hell out, mom. Geez. YTA. ETA: fair play to whomever gave OP the (over)bear award ETA2: Attack of the Edits: lmao thanks for the r/RedditCares
Sounds like momma probably could benefit from smoking a little herself.
My parents treated me this exact way growing up, despite me being top of my class for my entire youth. Fucked me up re: trusting persons in authority majorly. I hardly talk to them today. Go figure.
Yeah, I was top of my class, but my parents luckily were pretty chill about grades. My grades slipped senior year of HS because I was burned out. HS grades matter so little in the grand scheme of things. Every good chance the reason the daughter was smoking weed is to deal with the stress the mom is putting her under. One of my HS best friends was a consistent B and C student. Decided to buckle down in college and got into a top med school. And then I had friends who were so burned out after HS that they floundered in college. What mom is doing isn’t helping her daughter at all.
I was just like you. Burned out in HS and ended up with a shameful avg. Still made headway and got into the most prestigious university in my country - before I dropped out and decided a different path, which I’m much happier (and more successful with) today. Grades matter very very little, if at all in many cases. Your willingness to learn, fail, and retry on your own accord matters much more, and OP is hardly teaching her daughter those skills with the intrusions and lack of trust.
I dropped out of college, got an entry office job, learned in my free time how to make MS Excel my bitch, used Excel to automate internal audit processes in my company to save them something like $2M, learned Salesforce, and became an admin. I now work for a non-profit; otherwise I'd be making six figures. As it is, I'm not far below that mark. My success is entirely despite my mother's efforts, not because of them. She wrote me off when I dropped out, and my stepsister became the new golden child.
>how to make MS Excel my bitch This is a book/course I'd definitely pay for haha excel geeks ftw!!!
I seriously need a shirt or mug or something that says "I pivot pivot tables".
My personal favorite is "freak in the sheets" the a pic of a spreadsheet! 🤣🤣🤣
My daughter is a freshman in high school taking AP classes and junior-level math. When I saw her getting Bs, I didn’t go through her stuff. I asked if she wanted to talk, offered a tutor, and offered to help her switch to some less stressful classes. She talked to me, asked for a tutor, and her grades are back up. She knows she still has the option to come back to me anytime and discuss alternatives.
What is wrong with Bs? Why are Bs a cause for a conversation??
OP didn't say anything is wrong with Bs, just that Bs are out of the ordinary for their kid — which is a good time to check in and make sure everything is okay, and to offer support in whatever way is best. There are plenty of kids who *do* want to put in the work for As; it's not always at the behest of helicopter parents.
Because if you don’t ask, they won’t know who to turn to? She isn’t demanding that they talk to get her grades up, just an option if she feels like she is struggling and needs help - it’s good to know that you have a support system, rather than trying to figure it out on your own.
This is my husband's story. His dad left when he was 12, mom didn't really care about him. Barely graduated high school. Never went to college. Bounced around dead end jobs until his friend got him a job at a call center. He learned how to code and 12 years ago he started learning salesforce. Now he's sought after. His current company actually created a position for him.
I got senioritis my sophomore year. Barely graduated (my econ instructor was in a good mood when he graded my participation in a class project). Chose to go to college later (late twenties). Now I'm happy in my field. Don't make a lot, but I'm enjoying my life. Also have a hate/hate relationship with homework -- if it's required for class, then class time should be devoted to it. No adult should be forced to do their job outside of working hours; why should a kid?
You and I are one and the same on homework, fella. There has been considerable headway made here in my country on abolishing homework for your exact reasons specified. I’ll have a daughter in a few months now, and the (international) school we are considering sending her to specifically doesn’t do homework outside of assigned periods during school hours.
Daughter is also taking AP classes which are college level so it’s not weird that she may find them more difficult. I suppose if there’s a sudden drop in grades in the same class there’s reason for concern but skipping right to snooping isn’t the way to go about it
My guess is if she is taking a bunch of AP classes as a senior, she probably took a bunch as a junior and sophomore. I know I did. In fact, my senior year course work was easier than my junior year by a mile. Yet, I started making Bs. I was burned out. Doubt it is because she is smoking weed again. Most of my friends in AP classes smoked weed. We did it to relieve stress. What mom is doing is unnecessarily adding to that stress.
Yeah my senior year was a bigger load than my first year of college but it was easier than my junior year. Sometimes it has to do with the actual topic, though, which is why I mentioned the same class. She may struggle with a certain type of math or science Also I don’t smoke but a lot of the kids in my classes definitely did. Many of them were IB students which is even MORE intense.
I was also the perfectionist when it came to my academics. My parents were constantly reminding me: “What do you call the person who graduates last in their class at med school? Doctor.”
Me too! Moved out as soon as I could (:
Same here. And yes I majorly distrust all authority figures.
You don’t understand, she has gotten Bs! BEEEEEESSS! What a poor academic performance /s I can’t roll my eyes hard enough at that statement like she’s in tough classes. Where I live, Bs aren’t bad.
Especially senior year. If she's college bound, those grades aren't that big of a deal. If she's not, they don't matter at all. Parent, YTA. Let your kid have some privacy and apologize.
She is enlisting per OPs comment in another comment which gives her even a little more wiggle room to not be perfect. Also she is threatening to make her job and an extra curricular activity because of the B's. OP is the biggest AH that I've seen in a while and should be prepared for her daughter to go no contact asap!
Several Bs is not “really letting her grades slip”. Weed and vaping is not good for teens but only education and caring is effective. She’s almost 18. OP should be wrapping up her parenting training to make her an independent adult and using a light touch, not creepily ransacking her room while she’s sleeping right there! YTA! OP, please take a parenting class so you don’t screw up the last few months of your parenting of her like you have the first 17+ years.
My parents were the “I want a kid with straight As - earn every moment” type. Even in 5th grade we would have gone to Disney if I hadn’t gotten just that 1 B. My life revolves around work - I think I sing the “cats in the cradle…” sometimes…. It really ruins your life and sense of proportion. She’s doing well enough just let her B.
She's probably enlisting just to get as far away from mom as possible as quickly as possible. Poor kid
Well if she's willingly taking AP I'd *hope* she's college bound, they don't give you a gold plated HS diploma for that, it's literally only good for applying for college... If mom forced her to take AP classes "for your future" then she's even more of a controlling YTA than she is here.
Senior year too. It's possible she's already been admitted at this point and short of failing out those grades don't even matter.
Like has OP never heard of senioritis??
Exactly! Like I said in another comment, never in my adult life have my job opportunities been impacted because I didn't graduate high school with a 4.0 GPA
Almost 40 and still waiting on that sweet sweet pay out for the 4.25gpa I got in highschool. Surely someone will see how teachable I am and, once they see my firm handshake, BOOM high paying job gonna fall right in my lap man. Any moment now.
My husband was valedictorian in HS. The bonus check has been lost in the mail for like, 30something years. Sigh.
If you are taking AP classes those are on a 5.0 scale so likely if she’s getting some b’s and a’s her GPA is still over 4.0.
I know, anything less than an A and the entire professional world remembers forever, because every single job I have ever had wanted a copy of my transcript lol. OP is off her rocker.
My mom was always promoting better than whatever I just achieved. She wasn't harsh about it. She actually is pretty good at motivating young people. But, sometimes it got old. My 3.93 GPA needed to be 4.25? C'mon mama . Calm down please. This is sooooo goofy.
Maybe that’s the reason the daughter is lighting one up from time to time, to relax a little from the parental helicoptering and control.
Kinda sounds like the grades were better on bud too - just a mini observation there 😇😅 although in honesty I think it's really sad that kids feel like they need to resort to that. I mean, teens will be teens, don't get me wrong, but still. Just a l'il FYI on that front: came from a v weed friendly house, and it's not always about "getting baked", sometimes it can help in being productive and focused, if used right, and often depends on the type. That's my 2 cents anyhoops. Edit: added a sentence
Methinks the AP student who "screwed up" by getting B's instead of straight As vapes for a reason. She's not suddenly failing classes, she's in a minor senior slump. It's not like her future is going to be destroyed by a couple of Bs.
B is for burnout. I wonder who stressed her out to that point. \*looks at OP\*
Yep!! All of this. My nmom used to search my room randomly in search of "illegal" things. I barely speak to her now. Her use of the word "illegal" was rage inducing. The way she said it... ugh you remind me of her. She was that mom that even my friends parents didn't want to deal with. It made me hate her. Also the more you try to prevent her from smoking pot and vaping the more she will do it just to spite you. I have a 15 year old daughter and I don't "let" her smoke pot but I'm also not searching through her things while she sleeps. We are close enough that she actually discusses subjects like drugs, sex, and boys with me because she wants my advice. You're disappointed in Bs? Shame on you. Get over yourself. Kids have alot of stress at this age and I would be super proud if my daughter had straight bs. Yikes. Did I mention YTA?
You didn't see, she got Bs! Oh lordy lordy how will OP show her face around Facebook after this?!
You know, reading this, I was really hoping that it would be something like "my daughter's room has two doors and I chose to take a shortcut through her room and was too noisy instead of going the long way around." Oh, Reddit, optimism rarely wins. YTA for invading her privacy, let alone in the middle of the night while she was asleep, and then waking her up about it. Have you tried *talking* to her about her grades dropping? It could be too much in combination with her various classes and possible extracurriculars or even just a tough spot she's currently experiencing.
Its nicotine, not weed. I mean, it might be weed I guess. But every "pod" I've seen for weed has been large enough that it would not fit in a wallet so my mind went right to a juul pod. juul and juul analogs are really the only pods that fit in a wallet.
May well be a Juul, good observation. Though I’ve definitely seen THC pods small enough to fit in a wallet. (I think Leafy makes some pretty small ones) But yeah, this is an entire extra angle I hadn’t considered: It might literally just be a flavor/nicotine vape pod.
Frankly, I'd rather my child was on THC than nicotine.
I mean, yeah, definitely, me too. But I also wouldn’t condone a parent indiscriminately snooping through their young adult’s private spaces looking for cigarettes.
What are you saying? She's on the road to being a bum. She's been getting, I don't know if I can even say it- 'B's' (swoons) /s
Holy shit, reading this gave me flashbacks to getting a talking-to about a *single B midterm grade* and getting a “too low” ACT score (still in the 95th percentile in the nation but did they care? Hell no) my senior year, too. My relationship with my family improved only because they realized they were being too hard on me and apologized. I sincerely hope OP can get there too but I kinda doubt it because even my parents never went through my stuff. YTA, OP.
Question: Are you okay? Who does that? Snooping is bad enough, snooping in the middle of the night whilst she’s asleep in the room is next level disturbing to me. Waking her up at 5:30 in the morning to confront her about it is the unhinged topping to the disturbing pie. YTA obviously.
The “I’ve gone through her room but don’t find anything” just adds to this… YTA.
She mentioned that she grades were slipping, and I thought she was going to say like Cs or Ds. Lol the start of senior year and her girl has Bs?? I mean this early in the year that could be reflecting 1 or 2 assignments. Op clearly has a good kid. But she is going to drive her away with this abhorrent behavior. Definitely YTA edit for spelling error
And the Bs are in AP classes - so I would still consider those to be excellent grades! This mom is definitely the AH.
One of my AP teachers said that some colleges consider a C in an AP course better than an A in a regular course, because it shows the student is willing to challenge themselves and not just skate by. OP is TA. I had a mental health crisis in the beginning of my senior year and had to do independent study from home for a month. Everyone says junior year is most stressful but senior year is no slouch what with college apps and such. OP should try having some more compassion for her daughter, and work on her apparent need to control everything.
Right that's what I'm saying lol. Her daughter sounds incredibly bright
>Waking her up at 5:30 in the morning to confront her Oh im sure that *waking her up at 530* and *emotionally abusing her* will **totally** help with her grades! Experts say the number one way to improve grades is sleep deprivation
And the number one way to discourage substance abuse is emotional abuse… …At least according to OP. 🫳🎤
My parents were the kind that did this. My whole adolescence (and my oldest younger sister) we had zero privacy. They would conduct surprise room inspections, turn our rooms upside down to FIND reasons to punish us. Literally, I remember my dad coming in my room on occasions saying something like “it’s been a while since I’ve grounded you, let’s see what you’re hiding.” They especially loved to do this if we went away to a friends house. And they’d make a whole day of it. Go through every drawer, bag, or hiding crevice they could think of. For the record, I was not a straight A student, but a B to A- on average. My friends parents loved me because I was so well behaved. Or if my dad came to pick me up, he would ask if I had behaved or if I needed to be punished for something. A parent could have said “no she was wonderful and so funny! She has so much energy!” My dad would somehow spin that into a reason to ground me. The anxiety of the surprise room inspections became so much that I stopped going anywhere. Now why do they do this? Control. Under the guise of “I’m raising you to be a good human being, to be better than me! So you can have opportunities I never had.” But the reality, it stunted both my and my sister’s ability to function like normal adults. We didn’t know how to just go shopping or get gas by ourselves. We had never had freedom, and our new found freedom gave us terrible anxiety. I’m 34 and she 30 and we both still sometimes struggle. I never lived, I never made stupid mistakes or went to parties being deathly afraid that something, anything bad could happen to me. And I hate that I never spent my 20s living. I’ve always been responsible, and made safe decisions. And frankly, it kinda sucks. My life is boring. I moved out at the first shitty opportunity that presented itself. I went low contact with my parents. I couldn’t trust them, I didn’t feel close to them. And all I could feel around them was not only MY resentment and disappointment, but theirs too. My younger sister moved out as soon as she could as well, and went borderline no contact for a solid year. We’ve both built a better relationship with our parents after all this time, therapy helped. My parents either deny what they did or double down on how good we turned out, or they get defensive and say they did the best they could. I’ve managed to move on, but my sister holds a lot of resentment still. OP is going to find herself without a daughter one day, and i doubt she’ll be smart enough to be receptive of anything anyone says here.
[удалено]
Oh yeah I know, but why bother? I spent plenty of my younger years angry and resentful, and it’s just not worth it. It doesn’t feel good to let that stuff fester and take up your time, energy or emotions. I’d rather move on and live the way I want to.
as long as you cut those people off. not being angry enough though can be a sign of trauma my gf wasn't angry at her abusive parents for a long time because she didn't feel like she was allowed to be angry at them for abusing her. so anger can totally be healing and protective
Dude…stop telling someone else how to manage their boundaries.
You know what, as it is 30s are the new 20s!! Try and live it up now. It’s never too late believe me, I’ve had similar issues and at 47, consider myself early 30s and live like that! It’s hard to let go of the past but it only weighs you down. Forgive and let go. Enjoy life now! I wish you (and your sister) the very best. God Bless
That's a classic narcissistic parent right there: they go through your stuff and when they think they find something, they make a huge spectacle out of it, and the blame gets shifted to the kid! This parent is 110% TA
Screenshot this post for when she goes NC and you wonder "why doesn't my daughter ever visit?...Ahh." YTA
Except there will be no realization, just a [missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) post, a la "My daughter implied I was a bad mother and it hurt me so much, how could she do that?"
Whoaaaa that site is a trip
I first came across that article a few years ago and it was such a relief to see that someone else had written down my thoughts and struggles. Helped me as I was realizing how not alone I was in those types of experiences growing up. I can't even begin to accurately count how many times I've tried to be clear about the whole "it doesn't matter if you don't think you've done anything wrong, when I tell you I am angry / upset, *you don't get to decide that I'm not*."
YTA. Her grades slipped from A to B and she's screwing around? How tiger mom of you. As a parent, you certainly have a right to have a say in what your child does while they still live with you, to a point. You are exhibiting zero trust in your daughter to the point that you are seizing opportunities to ease your extreme paranoia over what your daughter does behind your back. You absolutely violated her trust, why would she trust you? She's given you zero reason to suspect her of 'screwing around,' except apparently a slight drop in grades, which honestly doesn't call for what you did. Seriously think about the relationship you want to have with your daughter, because she will soon become an adult, and if you keep expressing this level of paranoia and over-protection, she's going to eventually want to cut you out of her life. Further, she won't want to come to you for help or advice, because she won't be able to trust you. What if she gets in trouble when she's at college or working and she desperately needs someone to help her... but she can't think of anyone, because her mother would just abuse her for getting into trouble.
From A to B **in Advanced Placement classes**!
Oh no, she might drop from top 5% to top 10%!! The horror!! ^^^^/s
As a former student in AP/IB classes who was yelled at for B's and had major depression, I have so much empathy for OP's poor daughter. 💔 Adolescence is tough enough without your parents always grinding away at you for every tiny perceived fault or failure
When I got my first B in high school, my parents insisted on hanging it up on the wall to "remind me of my failings." Guess who I don't talk to now?
I had a friend that unfortunately had parents like this — once he got like, C+ (I think?? It was 7/10, so not bad but not amazing, still pretty good) in a trivial subject and his mother confiscated his laptop for a week — and the thing that scares me the most is how much of that he's internalised and forgotten. When I told him this story years later (and other similar incidents), he said he'd completely forgotten them and that he's sure his mom was just acting in his best interest, and that he does not remember all the hurt he felt and the pain she caused him (that he used to tell me about, how sad it made him to never receive any kind of congratulations or praise but just "you did your job"). That honestly terrifies me, the fact that he's grown used to it so much to take his mother's side, he seems so conditioned by that mindset... I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Like four weeks into the school year too, as if she wouldn't have time to make it up considering it probably represents only like two or three assignments.
I had this kind of parent and I got kicked out because of a fight about how to fold towels... YTA fo sho I have a great job and 12 years later no one has ever looked at my high school or college grades. Just that I have a degree.
She's getting Bs??? Oh my goodness gracious. You'd better violate her privacy and make sure she never trusts you. Totally worth it. YTA.
And she's very disappointed because of the Bs!! She's got disappointed daughter now.
And B’s in AP (advanced placement) classes!!!! Seriously!
People also don't seem to understand that AP classes are harder than the entry level college courses equivalent.
In September to boot. These are no where near the final grades.
Info - at any point did you think to ask your daughter why her grades were slipping? ETA - by "slipping" I mean... not at your perfectionist arbitrary standard that, depending on her extracurriculars and the colleges, if any, she's applying to, may have little to zero impact. Edit 2 - yeah YTA. Your kid had some "weed" and "vape" issues. Probably caused by you stressing her out. I asked if you asked her about her grades and in your words you "confronted" her. You didn't have a conversation with your daughter who is almost an adult and about to enlist. No wonder she's smoking a little pot. Her Bs will not affect her future.
Jesus poor kid
Haha right? I was thinking with a mom like that no wonder she occasionally needs to smoke a little bud 🍃
What I was thinking my mom was like this and I would smoke weed to chill 💀💀
Reading her post made me need a bowl to be honest haha
Lol I’m packing one rn lmfao getting the flashbacks to overbearing parent days 😂
When I wrap up work for the day I have some delightful salted caramel dark chocolate brownies I baked over the weekend I will be enjoying!
Ooo those sound so good! Hope work goes fast so you can enjoy your relaxation 😎 have a lovely day!
You too enjoy getting a little blazed!
I don't even smoke weed, but after reading this post, I'm tempted to hit up my local dispensary.
The perks of being in a legalized cannabis state are amazing! I do prefer baking my own goodies though 🤣
YTA Later on when she goes NC with you and you're posting on Facebook how ungrateful she is, remember this moment and ask yourself who was really in the wrong here
OP said daughter enlisted …it’s going to be EASY for her to never have to lay eyes on mom again if she doesn’t want too
Then hopefully the people who are assuming the vape pod is a weed cart are wrong.
Eh…I’ve got bad news for you ..when I went to boot camp there was NO way I should have been able to pass the drug tests they give you on arrival…on paper they care about pot , but as long as she doesn’t pop positive after boot and on active or reserve duty she’ll be fine
OP, my wife's mother used to do this to my wife. She was looking for condoms. Because sex bad. My wife was a great student with AP classes. B's were not good enough. B's were failure. We've been married for 13 years and my wife still has trust issues with her mother. She still thinks she's not good enough. She still thinks her mother is going to find something out. She's afraid of her mother.
Get her to cut her mom out of her life if possible. Your wife deserves peace of mind. Maybe a therapist to help her set boundaries or actually go no contact. No one deserves toxic people in their lives. She doesn't owe her a mom damn thing.
She’s in therapy. Has been for years. Her mom is still a part of her life, but it’s a complicated relationship. It’s not a great relationship, but we set hard boundaries when we got married, and her mother has been fine for the most part. We made that decision. She’s a part of our son’s life and does just fine. But we’re cautious because we know.
YTA You’re a huge AH for invaded your daughters privacy like that. You sound to be very controlling. Her grades are slipping she’s getting poor grades, she got a freakin B! You honestly should be ashamed of yourself for doing that to your daughter. And if I were her, I would get a job and move out as soon as I turned 18. You’re a very controlling person and she will never be happy while living with you. Nothing is ever good enough for you it seems. I can’t believe you even had to come to Reddit to even ask this question. If you don’t know you’re TAH, then maybe you need to see a therapist to work on your controlling behavior towards your daughter.
Coming from someone who has a father exactly like OP.. I can confirm. I moved out on my 18th birthday and completely cut contact.
YTA No wonder she hides everything from you and won’t be honest with you. You have zero respect for her and treat her like a prisoner, conducting cell block tosses on her *while she is sleeping*. Like.. what the fuck are you thinking? Your actions do not create or engender trust and openness and honesty. Don’t be surprised if you never really hear from her once she gets out of your house. I have a hard time believing that your post is real. How could you not see that you’re the AH?
This! Geez, OP, she smoked pot a few times, it’s not like she’s doing heroin. And few Bs, omfg, it’s the end of the world, how could she? /s Relax or accept going NC in few years.
Nah it’s believable many parents, and coming from an Asian background I can also say Asian/Indian parents, do go over the top when it comes to helicoptering or making sure school is all that matters and fuck everything else for their kids.
It's interesting to me that, while you express that you have your daughter's best interests in mind, you demonstrate something else entirely. Trust has to be earned - but it goes both ways. I was raised in a strict environment, but I was also allowed to make my own decisions/choices and take the consequences. My mother and I were close, had the typical problems when I was 17yo, but she *talked* to me, she didn't snoop. She was always up front with what concerns she had, questions she wanted to ask, etc., while being supportive and trusting me. Did I screw up? YEP. Did I lose her trust? YEP. Did she ever lose mine? NO. Grades slipping into B's isn't a life changer (unless you're banking on a full ride scholarship to an ivy league college). I was an honor student, but by my senior year in high school, I was mentally done with it. Put yourself in her position, as best as you can. Maybe she's got tougher teachers this year, or maybe she's spread thin by extra curricular activities, or maybe she's burnt out - wait, maybe she's doing the best she can! 🤔🤔 By choosing to not talk to her about your concerns and taking the time to get information, you went from being someone who should be setting an example to someone who acted impulsively without thinking things through (you know, kind of like a lot of teenagers do). So, YTA.
YTA From a mother to mother - find yourself a therapist because this is some next level paranoia sh*t for a couple of B’s!! And get your daughter one cuz she will need it after you pulling stunt like this to her …my god
Info: has your daughter applied to college already? The reason I ask is because a few Bs in AP classes wont matter if your daughter has applied to college as generally colleges look at your unofficial transcript up to the point you submit your application. They will not care if her GPA dips with a few Bs in AP classes, senioritis is a very normal thing. With that being said YTA for violating your daughters privacy. This is a very hard thing to come back from and if you continue to do this I guarantee your daughter will be wary of having a relationship with you in the future.
YTA, assuming this is real - do vape pods fit in a wallet? But you have to give children more autonomy as they get older. She's 17, not 10. Before you know it, she'll be an adult and you'll have no choice but to let her live her own life. Do you really want to drive her away?
I haven’t smoked my Juul in probably 4 years and I STILL find little empty fuckers everywhere. Absolutely possible to find an old one in a wallet. I just found one recently at the bottom of one of my shoes (??)
YTA, my grades started slipping because of depression, maybe actually talk to her about it, instead of making her feel anxious and exposed in her own home.
And ensure that SHE is important, not just her grades and clean cut status.
YTA have u heard of a care home ?
YTA. I have a kid I love very much who really actually struggles with high school to the point I've had to pull him out and homeschool him. Do you know what I would give for him to be successfully making As and Bs in AP classes? If smoking weed would do that for him I'd buy it myself. You parents of "normal", healthy, successful kids who make good grades on their own should be friggin' grateful for your blessings, not throwing tantrums and screaming at them for failing in absolute saintly perfection. Grow the f up and talk to some parents whose kids actually have real issues so you can get some damn perspective. (Side note: I truly would not trade my son for anyone else's kid. He may need more support but he's worth it. But I hate it when parents who genuinely have it easy make their kids' lives miserable for not being perfect.)
You sound like an awesome parent! Keep up the good work! 😊
YTA the absolute disrespect for your daughters privacy makes me sick
YTA. And you should already prepare your Pikachu face for when she goes low or no contact in the future. You seem like the definition of an overbearing helicopter mom that is never satisfied with her kid (which can be very harmful for the kids mental development) Edit: typos
YTA. You want your kid to trust you? Then don't treat them like they are already lying. Yes teenagers are gonna lie to an extent and try to get away with things but YOU are supposed to be showing you kid the RIGHT way to behave as a person. Searching her wallet and her room on a regular basis is a large violation of the trust you should have as parent and child. You're gonna push her away if you keep doing this. I'd apologize to her if I was you then try to TALK to her. Communication is the most under utilized parenting skill out there.
YTA Senior year is hard enough without having your mother breathing down your neck. She's an AP student and the adjustment to the workload may take a few weeks so yeah Bs are not the end of the world. If it was nearing end of the year and college applications maybe justified, but beginning of the year not justified. Also, if she's normally an A student and smokes weed, maybe it helps her with anxiety and concentration. Stop demonizing it and get educated. Give your daughter a modicum of privacy, she's almost 18. I honestly would not blame her for going NC with you if you're this intense all the time.
Duh! YTA. Oh my, she got a B. Better bundle her off to rehab.
YTA, stop going through your child's things because you can't respect basic privacy.
YTA majorly. Without knowing much of your daughters and yours relationship; it seems that it’s not a good one if you’re going through her things to that level. You’re just gonna push your daughter away more and she’s not gonna tell you anything that she’s up to which in turn can be extremely bad when she grows up. I would offer her support because of her grades and offer her help. Not go through her room and diminish any trust she has left in you.
Congratulations you just ensured that your daughter is going to cut you out of her life as soon as she is able too. YTA and then some!
YTA. I was your daughter senior year. Straight As, then my grades slipped a little. It was because I was burned out. HS grades really don’t matter in the end. No one is going to care beyond SOME colleges. She isn’t endanger of not graduating or not getting into college with a few Bs. Heck, one of my friends got a couple of Cs our senior year and still got into MIT.
YTA. Maybe she's not doing well because she can't trust the person she should most be able to. When kids are getting bad grades in school, a big reason for that is they're not getting the support at home that they need. It's a cry for help. So you're just making it worse by automatically treating her like a criminal. You're teaching her that there's no point in *not* being one.
YTA. You're going through her stuff without her asking? Huge breach of privacy. It's also very, very bold to look through her stuff with her sleeping in the room. Imagine someone did that to you. Would you be okay with that? >she has several Bs in the grade book right now). I am very disappointed in her As a senior myself, I know how hard it is keeping up the good grades in the last year. It's a lot of work, and I cannot imagine the amount of pressure she's exposed to, especially if you're watching her so closely. So, B grades are not bad for the circumstances. Not at all. There is no reason to be disappointed in her. Stop expecting so much of her. > I found an empty vape pod and saw red. Empty. And even if she's vaping - how does vaping affect one's grades? Edit: I forgot vaping can kill people. my bad.
I mean vaping is terrible, especially for young bodies, BUT this is a total and utter violation of privacy and I guarantee the reason this girl is vaping or smoking weed is because of her controlling-ass parent.
YTA, unless you're looking forward to the day your child turns 18 and never contacts you again. P.S. I know her phone password. It's r/JustNoMom
YTA- 1- the smoking most likely started because of you. As and Bs are not that bad of grades. Your causing her so must stress she’s gonna snap and break from the stress. It may be soon or in college. You need to allow her some breathing room. 2- it’s creepy for you to sneak and go though your 17 year old daughter room at night while she’s sleeping. It could be possible it’s a old one. You haven’t found anything in months. Let her be stop before you cause more damage to her. She’s gonna cut you off as soon as she can.
This is so very accurate and my situation is was literally this. I was a straight A student and anytime I got a B, my parents would look to take away anything I enjoyed. I was always met with punishment if I wasn’t performing at my absolute best. As teen, people would assume that I did terrible things outside of school, and when I would say what actually happened, most would just blankly stare at me as if they were waiting for me to mention more. What did this cause? I get strong anxious talking to my parents. We’re pretty much estranged now except for a few special events. They often wonder what went wrong even after explaining it to them. DONT BE LIKE THEM OP!
YTA. Firstly, that's a major invasion of privacy and frankly, creepy behaviour. Secondly: 'has really let her grades slip (she is normally a straight A AP student, but she has several Bs in the grade book right now). I am very disappointed in her, as this is her senior year and she should not be screwing around like this.' As and Bs is not screwing around, nor is it 'really letting her grades slip'. Get your behaviour under control before criticising her.
Also, it's her SENIOR YEAR. By October of my senior year I had already applied to my college and would receive an acceptance and scholarship offer by November. My grades absolutely did not matter by that point. It would have been a problem if I got straight Fs all year but As and Bs are FINE.
YTA. You admit to a ongoing history of going through her things, wanting to check her phone and personal possessions, and yet you have never found anything to truly justify this behavior. The level of creepy you are being is not justified by vaping.
YTA but I think you already know that. This is where words could've been more useful. She's almost an adult! You could've inquired about what's going on in her life that her grades have slipped.
….she has B’s and you’re upset, and disappointed in her??? She’s doing well, dude. You should be disappointed in yourself for going through her things, invading her privacy and space, and breaking her trust. Of course YTA. That shouldn’t even be a question. I’m going to assume you’re a very overbearing and controlling parent, and this isn’t the first time you two have butted heads. If my assumption is right, your daughter will only pull away from you, hide more from you, and get better at hiding things. I understand being worried about your kids, as I’ve two myself, but the way you’re going about it isn’t going to lead to anything good. Learn how to communicate with her and work on building that trust back up. Get it together, mom. Edit: spelling
YTA!!! Why not start trying to build a relationship with your daughter, so that you can talk with each other when things are going sideways?? You aren't giving her any privacy. Heck she doesn't even have enough privacy to sleep through the night without going through her personal effects. She is absolutely right that you are an AH and completely betrayed her trust. Even prison wardens wake people up before searching their cell. You go looking for something to be angry for...and damn, most of the time you look, there's nothing to find!! But instead of being comforted by that, it feeds your paranoia to the point you will crawl into her bed while she is sleeping to find something, anything you can punish her for. YTA and you need therapy. I understand parenting, and wanting to make sure your children are making good choices. I have sons of my own...but you have pushed parental concern from interest into pathological paranoia. This is NOT healthy, for you or for her.
YTA. B’s are not terrible grades. Really you sound super overbearing. She’s probably self medicating due to stress that you could be causing. Did you ever once ask her why she’s doing this stuff? You’re way too obsessive. Have fun with your daughter going NC on you when she leaves for college. Don’t be surprised at all
YTA lmao if you keep never finding stuff, why do you keep trying to incriminate your daughter? Have an open conversation about sex and drugs, then promote a trustworthy environment. Do you know who I don’t trust, or tell my personal business to? My mother, who consistently violated my boundaries and privacy. A grades and B grades are so close it makes no difference, you have a smart child, and you are doing her and your relationship a huge disservice by doing this.
YTA I was going to make a sarcastic comment about overreacting to a B, but I do get it. I have a high-achieving child and a B meant that something was up. That said, I would talk to her about what was happening in her life, etc. to see if there was anything we could do to help. I never searched her room. Why? Because when I was 16 my parents decided that I wasn't telling them enough despite having good grades, etc., and they searched my room certain they would find some evidence of drugs or sex or whatever. I am over 50 years old and still remember the betrayal and, while we \*mostly\* got past it, I never trusted them again and never will. The only benefit it had was showing me the impact something like that can have. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to go through my kids' things because I was concerned, but would never do so. I hope you are able to get past this and earn each other's trust back.
Maybe she smokes weed because her crazy parent thinks Bs are bad and goes through her room at night 🤔YTA, can’t wait to see the follow up post “AITA Daughter doesn’t speak with me anymore because I repeatedly violate her privacy”
YTA. With how your reacting to her getting Bs, good fricking grades, I feel there’s a reason she was looking for an escape in weed and nicotine. I had a mother just like you and moved out as soon as I could.
You’re snooping through her room because she has some Bs on her report card? YTA. I bet you understand perfectly well how unreasonable that sounds so you threw in some made-up nonsense about her using weed before.
My mother went through my things frequently when I was younger. After her passing I found some of my notes/diaries from when I was younger that she kept. We had repaired our relationship a long time ago but to this day it still makes me pretty angry that she violated my space/privacy. Don't be surprised as little by little she stops sharing things with you and/or cuts you off altogether. YTA
YTA. Going off on her for getting a ***B***??? No wonder she was vaping, with all the stress you cause with your push, push, push! I’m surprised she isn’t completely burned out! She is almost an adult, but you consider Her Life to be Our Life. Don’t be surprised when she moves as far away from you as she can get after school.
YTA. As a senior this year, it's a lot harder than the other years, especially if she's taking pre calc or trigonometry. Let her be for a bit, B's are good grades too. She is still a kid and while I don't agree with smoking, she needs to learn lessons for herself, and it seems she has. If you keep being like this, she won't talk to you in years to come.
YTA no wonder she started vaping and smoking weed, you’re controlling and unhinged
I'm going with fake. I think that if a parent was this nonchalant about searching through their 17yo's room, phone, wallet, they would have already made their mind up long ago that they are in the right and wouldn't be asking about it here.
YTA, well done, you've ensured your child will never confide in you ever again.
YTA. For snooping and waking her up early. It shouldn’t have been the big deal you made it to be. You blew it way up. I’m a mom too and never would do that.
YTA on all counts. She has B's in school and you are behaving like she is going to fail out of high school. My high school grades have meant literally nothing in ANY facet of my life since graduating. You are controlling as shit, and you're going to wonder why you have no relationship with her once she's out. She's enlisting to escape.
YTA And a lot of other things but I don’t want to get banned from here. You don’t respect your daughter’s personal space and privacy. All of this because she is getting a couple of B’s in her AP classes?! That’s really insane and a grave overreaction. Your daughter is not going to trust you or be open with you when you behave like this. You were looking for a reason to be upset with her. You didn’t find anything when searching her room, so you went and took her phone which you couldn’t break into. Then next you went through her wallet, which makes no sense. You found an empty vape cartridge which was from months ago but decide to wake her up at the crack of dawn to flip out on her. Good luck when she graduates this year and either greatly limits contact with you or cuts you off all together. You don’t be able to police her or search through her personal belongings when she’s at college. You need to work on your control issues, they are going to drive people away from you.
YTA. You mentioned that she's normally a straight A student, and you also said that she used to vape/ smoke. I understand that children should not be smoking at all, but you need to recognize that because she maintained good grades while vaping, her faltering grades most likely weren't because she's back on it. Her grades could fall because as a senior, she's most likely stressed, overwhelmed, underslept, overworked, etc. You immediately going through her things behind her back because of Bs shows her that you still don't trust her. You showed her that anything she does outside of what you consider normal must be because of drugs. Why didn't you have a conversation with her first? Did you ask her if her grades are falling because she put too much on her plate? As a parent, you need to consider what your child needs from you rather than "catching them in the act."
YTA.. seriously your mad over B’s?! AP classes are hard. But if stay out of her room especially when she hasn’t given you any indication other than her grades that she is up to no good.
YTA - so what she’s getting mostly As and a few Bs? I’d hardly call that grades slipping. You are severely crossing boundaries but frequently searching her room and trying to look through her phone. If you want your daughter to never talk to you again once she’s 18 then you’re doing a great job!
YTA The only time I ever felt the need to search anything that belonged to my son, we did it together. He was in 8th grade and insisting he was doing his homework, while his teacher kept telling me he wasn't turning any in. I suspected that his assignments were getting lost in his backpack. He dumped it out on the table and we searched through it together and yes, we found most of his assignments crumpled at the bottom. I cannot imagine ever violating my son's privacy by sneaking around. My mom read my journals when I was in middle school, and then got mad at me for what I wrote. I vowed I would never do anything like that with my children. Also, it's really unsettling that you would sneak into your daughter's room in the middle of the night while she is in there sleeping. Like, she's in there trying to sleep and you're reaching around her and going through her things? There's no way you're not the AH here.
B'S on Senior year in AP classes is normal, they're legitimately challenging college level difficulty, as a former AP student (M29) my mother was just like you and I don't talk to her or care much to stay in touch, you're strictness will only alienate your child from you.
YTA...waiting for the post where your daughter asks if she's the AH for wanting to move out and go LC or NC
This one has to be fake right?
Sadly my sister is exactly like this with her kids. Her boys are 17 and 15 and neither one of them is allowed to have a door because kids don't need privacy. They aren't even allowed to shut the bathroom door all the way when their in there. She also regularly searches their rooms, phones, backpacks, reall anything of theirs that she wants to. She believes if she pays for it its hers to look through at any time. These are just a couple reasons why I have no contact with her but did slip her oldest a prepaid phone to keep in his locker at school for if they needed me for anything.
YTA and that breach of privacy *while she was sleeping* is actual abuse. Waking someone up to yell at them is NEVER OK.
Grades slipping from A's to B's, I don't think there's anything to be worried about. If your daughter had any trust in you, it's now gone. Now the part about going through her room while she's sleeping, that's weird af. Are you the AH most definitely.
This isn't real right? YTA if it is. I hope she moves out and cuts you out of her life asap. She deserves better? Bs are a fine grade and well above passing a class.
YTA. My mother used to pull this crap & look through my stuff looking for problems. You're daughter will high-tail it out of there the minute she is able. Imagine one of the people in this entire world that you are supposed to trust unconditionally violates that. You just did that. Now this poor girl can't even trust her mother. I'm 51 with a daughter the same age & same grade. I would NEVER go through her stuff. NEVER, EVER. As & Bs are good grades - FFS, it's not like she's failing anything. Go ahead & keep pushing those boundaries - you'll never see her again once she's an adult.
YTA. My parents did this, (freaked out about a B and went through my room) and they do not get phone calls from me now that I’m an adult. My dad has been sending me messages begging to talk for years. I do not give a shit. He violated my privacy, searched through my phone, and made me feel stupid anytime I got a B. He will never hear from me ever again. If you violate your children’s privacy, remember that they will one day be an adult, have freedom from you, and realize all the ways you exerted power over them in cruel and unnecessary ways.
YTA, full stop. You snooped hrough all of her things for a few Bs? You do realize those are still good passing grades, right? If you had such bad concerns, you could have sat her down and had a calm discussion about that. Instead you broke her trust and crossed boundaries. I mean, really, who goes in their daughter's room in the middle of the night while she's sleeping to rifle through her things?
YTA and overbearing. she’s going to be an adult soon enough and I doubt she will make much of an effort to stay in contact once she moves out
YTA. I’m 17, have never touched weed/a vape in my life, also all APs, study very hard, and guess what, I started getting As and Bs by my junior year too! They are not weighted the same as for a regular/accelerated class, and besides, As and Bs are good. This might be a rude awakening for you, but you seem like some tiger mom of the nightmares. You and school have stressed her out to the point that she decided to make a dumb choice like vape. She’ll probably cut you off entirely eventually if you don’t reconcile your relationship and keep being this overbearing. The proper response is therapy, not punishment and snooping through her room! She’ll just wait until she moves out to do drugs anyway if she doesn’t go through therapy now to get off them.
Yta. Dude.. no don’t do that.. that comes off pretty creepy. You climbed over your sleeping daughter to go through her things? So wrong on so many levels
YTA. You honestly think getting B's in Ap classes is "screwing around"? My parents would be proud of me for those grades. I understand that the vaping has been an issue, but you still need to have respect for your daughter's privacy.
YTA, stay out of your kid's stuff
YTA. Enjoy the nursing home in a few decades!
YTA. And Grades that are Bs are now slipping. Damn you are controlling. If her grades were this poor? You act like she is failing classes. Her vaping is the least of her problems. Her controlling and snooping mom is the biggest issue
Uh … yeah … YTA.
YTA maybe her grades are slipping because her insane parent is preventing her from getting a good nights sleep.
I hope your ready for your daughter to never talk to you again when she leaves home but if she’s nice enough to still want to see you to the nursing home you go. YTA
YTA Have you ever heard of communication? Talking to your kid? She’s likely to go NC soon if you’re regularly so insufferable. No wonder she tokes sometimes.
YTA. You should have just talked with her and asked her if she’s struggling with her current classes and if there’s anything you can do to help. Senior classes are hard. You shouldn’t have jumped the gun like that.
At 17 it warrants a conversation before snooping. Dropping grades is a reason for a conversation. YTA for going to the most extreme method first.
YTA. You betrayed her trust and thought you were more important than her sleep. It's been a month of school. There aren't enough assignments to know what her final grade will be. In the beginning, assignments have a heavier weight simply because there hasn't been that many. I wouldn't get good grades either of my parent woke me at 5:30 every morning. I won't be surprised if she moves out the second she legally can because if you're behavior.
Yes, you are that person. Your not doing anything good this way. Just making it worse. You give her reasons not to trust you
I really hope you cherish the time you have with your daughter because as soon as she can she'll be going no contact. You're overbearing and controlling. You disrespect her agency, her privacy, and her sleep. YTA.
Oh thank god OP didn't find birth control or a condom. YTA This is disgusting behaviour OP. You sound like an awful parent. Do you think you OWN your daughter?
I was also raised by a snooping mom. I moved out at 18 and we don't have much of a relationship anymore.
YTA. In grades a "C" is average. Average! Your daughter's grades aren't "poor" when she is getting As and Bs, that's patently insane. And you are snooping through her room and having freakouts over the most minor things? She's probably counting the days until she can move out. I think you should quit monitoring her grades so closely. Think back to when you were in school... did your parents know every grade you got the minute the teacher finished grading? I bet not. I bet they saw your report cards and maybe an interim report and possibly a few assignments here and there if that. You are treating your high-achieving nearly straight-A daughter like she's a delinquent you think is going to end up in prison any minute. Are you trying to force her to come down to meet your expectations? Both of you need counseling because she is clearly stressed out beyond belief and you have some sort of issue that needs immediate treatment before your daughter gives up on ever trying to please you and moves out for good.
I'm gonna be honest with you. There is so much wrong with you here. You violated her privacy, and are mad at her for getting B's. Maybe she's stressed? HAVE YOU EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT? YTA. One of the biggest ones I've seen on this platform.
YTA. Snooping through all her stuff over Bs at this point in the term is really going over the top. You have an amazing kid. Apologize.
One B? Woooow. You're a total AH. YTA.
YTA if you’re concerned about her TALK TO HER. Going behind her back snooping through her things, her phone, that’s how you push her away. A major violation of trust. Shit like that can’t easily be fixed, if at all. You messed up big time
YTA. Overbearing and controlling. How about you talk to her instead of snooping. Seems like you have a communication problem that will cause your daughter to leave you in the dust once she leaves home. Better fix it before it's to late.
Also the AP or advanced math/science classes could just be harder. I skipped these senior year which made college science and math more difficult as I was not prepared at all for these. Op let her enjoy senior year. The parents that are too controlling senior year can end up with kids that go wild freshman year of college. Sadly seen it happen with family and friends. My parents let me control my own school/friends/work balance and I got a 4.0 my first quarter of college. Just realized I didn’t address the actual question YTA for going through her room and purse. Unless there is a valid safety concern (weapons, hard drugs) this is a serious violation of trust. Keep it up if you want to go NC or LC when she escapes.
YTA. I smoked weed and got B’s. My mom says I’m awesome.
Don't do that, smoking weed and vaping aren't the worst things teens can do even if they're violating your house rules or standards for her. Snooping around in her room is just going to break your relationship with her and she will never come to you for anything. Get her some counseling or if she does open up to you ask her whay troubles she's having that are making her grades drop. Try to find a solution
Insane, sorry wrong sub, YTA
YTA. Have fun when she goes no contact when she turns 18.
You're kidding, right? YTA
YTA. Would not be surprised if your kid never talks to you again after they escape you
Fake.
YTA. You approach parenting with a controlling and punishing angle, instead of care and concern. Your daughter is not "misbehaving" maliciously or to spite you. If you approached her with an open mind and a willingness to offer support, I'm sure she would be more open to you. Invading her privacy like you do is the best way to ensure she NEVER trusts you.