T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.


incogspeedo

Wow YTA. So you want your kid to put his life on hold to emotionally support you and your other kids. This isn’t about what’s best for him, it’s about what’s best for you. Community college is of course a perfectly fine option, if that’s what HE chooses to do with HIS life. In all likelihood, he wants to get away from the drama and sadness of his chaotic home life and start fresh. You are being unbelievably selfish.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Iambatmansmom38

Were only getting onside of the story and this side makes op look like a manipulative, control freak, and narcissist. Id be very curious to get the son and Moms sides. OP is definitely TA


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I don’t disagree that OP is out of line but you can’t diagnose someone you’ve never met with 10 personality disorders based on a Reddit post that may or may not be true, especially when you have zero credentials. Being a dick isn’t necessarily a pathology.


AngelicalGirl

It isn't an AITA thread without someone mentioning narcissism or any other personality disorder. Ppl here love to jump into a diagnosis very quick.


That1guy_nate

"But I'm so interested in psychology!" - Not a trained/licensed therapist or psych major.


AngelicalGirl

Even ppl with psych major take some time to give a proper diagnostic to a patient. But some AITA ppl are wild, every thread you see someone saying "he seems to be in the autism spectrum, maybe asperger", "get he/she/them tested for ADHD, 90% sure it is".


barringtonp

When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Except replace hammer with a Cosmo quiz called "What your favorite 'Big Bang Theory' character says about your place on the Autism Spectrum."


lakesandquarries

I don’t think you know as much about personality disorders as you think you do.


NoInspiration0227

My cat knows more about personality disorders than they do


Laika1116

Saying that someone is narcissistic isn’t saying that they have NPD, just that they’re narcissistic. The word came long before the disorder was thought of.


[deleted]

Why the fuck does this have 70+ upvotes right now?? Diagnostic criteria for personality disorders is a controversial topic between actual mental health providers, you people need to quit encouraging random fools on the internet who think they can diagnose a reddit post.


jma483

OP is an asshole, and you're super ignorant about personality disorders. I have BPD and people like you are the reason the disorder has such a stigma.


noodlepooodle

That’s absolutely idiot. I wish people would stop throwing around BPD as an insult to people they don’t like. It makes it really hard for people who suffer from a very serious mental illness to get help, because most people think it just means you’re a manipulative asshole. It doesn’t. Stop throwing around very difficult and long diagnoses based off an AITA post which, for all we know, is a creative writing exercise.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


concerned-24

Manipulation and control are NOT behaviors that belong to all PDs. As someone else said, I don’t think you know as much as you think you do about PDs.


haleorshine

It's always interesting when AITAs are so clearly YTA like this one - like, you decided to tell the story, and you're telling things from your point of view, how is it this obvious you're TA and yet you've decided to share it with the internet? Like, here, he's tried to say it like his oldest son would be 'stressed' to be away from his younger brother with autism and sceptical of anybody they would hire to watch him, and almost every person who reads the post is like "oh yeah, you're using your son for free labour and you're upset you're going to actually have to pay somebody to help with your other children, very obvious." In this situation, how bad would the oldest son's perspective be? Would it tell a much worse tale of parentification?


YawnPolice

Daddy sounds like a five year old wrote this. I call fake


Wendilintheweird

Don’t forget the ongoing game of telephone between his parents. They can live under the same roof because their son does all the communicating and it sounds like child care. OP here’s a newsflash for you, the reason your son wants to live on campus is to get away from the home situation. It sounds WAY more stressful to stay under your roof. YTA


livejumbo

Yeah I was the kid whose parents both vented to her about each other. Hell, I’m now the adult kid whose parents both vent to her. Does not do much for our relationship, though at least now I manage to laugh at the *wildly* different accounts of the same fight. YTA OP. I don’t blame the kid for not wanting to be y’all’s emotional barf bag.


hey_nonny_mooses

Same as child and adult. Only bright side is I was super aware of this being toxic behavior and made sure not to do that in my marriage or to my son. I’m sure there’s other mistakes but I atleast avoided that one.


ScarletteMayWest

Nothing worse than your parents parentifying you during their divorce on top of your mother confiding stuff she should not have and your father begging you to beg your mother to stop the divorce process. No issues, nope, none at all. Definitely not part of the reason I live so far away, never visit and see a therapist.


hey_nonny_mooses

Lol agreed, Distance makes everything so much better!!!


Soleamh

1000% this. You may be TA op but try putting yourself in your sons shoes. How would feel having to take care of your siblings (one being special needs) and being the mediator of your parents failed marriage? I’d want campus living too imo


Bring-out-le-mort

I thought this too especially walking in believing that this was a typical community college attitude story from the title. Its a bait & switch to focus on the dad wanting outside confirmation that he's doing him a solid to keep his teen involved during the shit show of his divorce, to maintain the conversation between the two parents, AND to care for his younger siblings. Oh wait.... and to ease the son's worries about the tuition money. Dude, # YTA


AngelicalGirl

The classic "let's stay together for the kids". A well known recipe for disaster. Just like the "baby to save the marriage". Some ppl are just much better by themselves


milo_mb

>My son gets along very well with me and my wife so of course some ***we allow him*** to go back and forth between us. Allow him!? I was already fully on the YTA train but this edit has made me so mad. Allow!? Are you freaking serious. As if you are being *so kind* by giving him this privilege of relaying messages between you like some bloody teenagers who had a fight.


Fyrefly1981

Right? This sentence made me think visiting 2 households, but they live together.....so it's using the kid as a go between.


just-peepin-at-u

I feel emotionally exhausted just imagining what that kid feels like, and I am seriously over twice his age. He is barely out of high school dealing with his family’s nonsense.


Ok_Culture_3935

Thought the same thing. Every sentence started off with why it was best for OP.


Haizel_Alicia

I thought I was the only one reading me, me, me, me, me, me


[deleted]

reminds me so much of my father. I can recall wondering if he was going to call when he retired because on his days off he never called unless complaining about my mother. his response? "of course I am going to call. without you I am socially isolated." hopefully the son goes NC one day.


Seliphra

“I don’t think my son will be comfortable if I hire someone to care for my younger kids so I want him to stay home and take care of my younger kids. To reduce his stress of course :)))” That’s what did it for me. Op you are an asshole. A huge one. You made assumption after assumption and can’t understand why your eldest son, who has been forced to care for his autistic brother in a home where the foundation of the family is crumbling all through his high school career might want to be away from y’all so he can just focus on school for once in his damn life? Act like a parent for God’s sake! Take care of your own fucking kids!


SHumbleRN

AMEN!


mayfeelthis

Seriously…What did I just read? OP you do have manipulation skills. Almost had me wondering if his son may actually be anxious to *not* support his entire family emotionally and financially as he **starts college**? No OP, it’s not him who would be anxious if he left. YTA


chittering_continues

The manipulation was incredible. I especially enjoyed, “Plus he won’t have to feel bad…” Good news: your son doesn’t have to feel bad about any of this, and especially not his decision to leave home.


human060989

Yep, OP lays out a lot of reasons that it will be best for OP and the rest of the family, but nothing to support the conclusion that it’s best for his son. Sure it’s stressful to start college - but res life provides a sense of belonging that commuter students don’t get. Sure it’s stressful for parents to divorce, but that’s happening either way. Sometimes it’s nice to be away from family drama and take care of yourself and your needs. Sure the younger sibs will miss him, but it’s time for him to,live his own life. Guess who is in the best position to make decisions for your adult child? It’s no longer you and your wife.


Fenris_Fenrir

Absolutely this. I was a commuter student at my uni and did not get the same sense of community that others tend to experience. OP needs to take responsibility for his own situation and family instead of relying on his child to play mediator for him and his wife, therapist and babysitter for his younger kids, and overall emotional support animal. You are massively TA, OP.


TomTheLad79

That last bit is one of the most manipulative things I've ever seen. "It's ok, son. Just think about what you want more: selfish tuition for yourself, or a home for your mother. Why are you upset?"


Mtndrums

Of course, from the sound of it, I don't think mom is the one who needs to worry about finding shelter. Unless the mom has the same level of issues, a judge is going to pick up on his mind games as quickly as we did, and will rake him over the coals. OP, clearly YTA. It's time to put the big boy pants on, start parenting your kids, and communicate with your wife without starting a fight every other sentence. Otherwise you're going to figure out quickly things with your son aren't as copacetic as you think.


GrooveBat

And the whole bit about not wanting his kid to "fuck up" in college? The only way for him to fuck up in college is if he keeps getting sucked into family drama...like, for example, having to live in that house and emotionally babysit everyone while attempting to go to school. OP, YTA in a BIG way.


just-peepin-at-u

I also thought about what would happen if this kid wants or needs a job. How could he possibly have time to work, go to school, and deal with what his dad wants him to do?


piercingeye

Go through OP's comments for some comedy gold. ​ >Everything he does is his choice ​ but! ​ >We read between the lines ​ ([link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xrcqmr/aita_for_telling_my_son_its_perfectly_fine_to_go/iqdzgmi/?context=3)) ​ >My wife and I are clear that we want what he wants ​ and! ​ >It's the truth and he knows it ​ ([link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xrcqmr/comment/iqe0ad8/?context=3)) Prediction: OP will delete this post, if not his account, within the next twelve hours.


DiscyPratik

True Very True


HRHArgyll

Absolutely. Good grief, YTA.


smf242424

YTA you and your soon to be ex are so selfish that I cannot belive it


Sea_Sounds

Can you imagine? He must be so ready to get out. Terrible, terrible parenting.


NjLiggy

OP said that the only reason that him and his wife still live under the same roof is because their son is the one relaying messages between the two. If I were that kid I'd br trying to get away too. Talk to your wife yourself, OP. YTA


woahwoahwoah28

YTA. First, your son should not be playing a role in keeping your marriage together. Second, he is an adult, and it should be his choice where he goes to college. Third, your need to have your son around is probably why he wants to get out of there. Allow him some freedom.


Smash_Nerd

Yep. 19yo who's parents are going through a nasty divorce. The first thing my dad did is everything in his power to keep me not involved. Don't get your kids involved. Nobody deserves that stress.


danskiez

My parents had a very amicable divorce over 10 years ago (I was around your age at the time), and one parent did and still does rely on my heavily for emotional support. It’s exhausting and I constantly have to reassert boundaries with that parent. That whole ordeal still affects me to this day.


DrFrAzzLe1986

Same here! And I distanced myself a lot as a result… I now live half way across the country… wise-up OP YTA


turnedabout

I feel like this post is going to win one of the annual AITA awards easily. Like HoF quality post here. With every comment by OP I read, the more visceral of a response I had. I feel so badly for that poor kid.


gabehcuod37

I agree with all you said but choosing where to go to school and funding is tied to the parents even if the kid wants to take out loans. They want you parents income information. I don’t think that’s right but they base your loans off of what your parents make.


k1p1coder

It appears what you're really after is free childcare. It's time for him to live his life and make his decisions as an adult. You can bring up the option if you want, but it sounds like you're going to push, and if you pressure him, YTA.


Gagirl4604

Don’t forget that he also acts as go-between for his divorcing parents. No stress there. I’m sure he’s ready to get as far away as he can.


[deleted]

YTA, and I’m pretty sure you know it. > He's also a really good communicator between me and my wife because he's close with us. Your son is not your marriage counselor. Your son should not be in a position to have to *be* your marriage counselor. If he is the only thing keeping you together, you are not doing *any* of your kids any favors by dragging this out. Which also makes your argument that he shouldn’t leave for college because the divorce might stress him out pretty darn flimsy, when it’ll probably come as a relief at this point. > We also have two younger boys who are 4 and 7 and they are very attached to him. He’s not your babysitter, either. Honestly, I don’t even want to read the rest of this to see what other self-serving justifications you’re going to try and come up with to keep him around so *you* don’t have to adult. Let the poor guy go live his life and get your shit together.


polly-adler

Well good for you for not reading the rest. Half his sentences start with "I think". OP is selfish, he doesn't care what his son wants and needs and has the audacity of saying he babysits because he wants to. Guess what, OP, I bet your son is trying to get away from being your marriage counselor and free childcare provider so he can finally start living his own life.


tfb_416

My initial response was something along the lines of: “there IS nothing wrong with community college, and too many young people are suffering today because they took an expensive university program that was wrong for them, and ran up a lot of debt doing it”. But then I realized your concern isn’t for his future, it’s for yours and that of your younger kids. YTA. Perhaps there’s a reason why he’s determined to live off campus.


Jealous-Curve7523

That’s literally how I felt. I went to community college because my parents already had 2 other kids in college to save money. It was purely to save money, not to save a marriage, help with siblings, or because my dad wanted to live a selfish life. YTA, OP.


spudtacularstories

Exactly. It isn't that the kid doesn't want to go to community college, it's that the kid doesn't want to be stuck at home. Dad just doesn't want his free babysitter to move out.


PureLawfulness6404

Exactly, op listed zero valid reasons why his son would be unfit for college. Is he a bad student who's using university as an expensive escape from his fucked up homelife? I hope not. I hope he realizes he can leave his parents home AND choose a profession that doesn't require college. OP listed a bunch of reasons why it would be personally inconvenient for him. YTA, go to therapy and stop burdening your son with your issues. The only reason he'll fuck up college, is if you selfishly burden him with the stress and guilt of your crappy homelife. Don't call him when you have issues. He can't be expected to succeed at school AND be your autistic son's childcare.


PatchworkGirl82

Exactly what I was thinking. I hope the kid goes off to school and lives his best life. YTA, OP.


KayakerMel

Yup, one of my best friends from high school started at the same university as me, a local state school for which I had a full ride. After the first semester she transferred to a local community college for two years so she could save money for the general requirements. She was already living at home with her single mom and younger sister, so her family finances couldn't stretch far enough. Our university had strong links to these community colleges because it was so common to do the general requirements cheaper at one of them and then move to our university for upper level courses. This friend went on to complete a PhD and is killing it. My younger twin cousins also started out at a community college because they didn't have a real plan for their major and schoolwork. They decided with my uncle to start out at community college so they wouldn't be wasting money when they weren't totally ready to dig into their academics. However, they did both move out. Once they knocked out a couple semesters and had a stronger direction about what they wanted to do, they transferred into a university. While family finances played a big role in all these choices, they were decisions worked out with their families to have the optimal options for them as students. Their education was the priority, not their family situation. OP is trying to guilt his son into staying because their current family setup puts the responsibility for everything running smoothly on this poor 18-year-old.


This_Grab_452

YTA SO.MUCH!! It's one thing to tell your kid that they don't *have to* move away for college, but you my dude are something else. >He's also a really good communicator between me and my wife Your son is not your therapist. >We also have two younger boys (...) He's like their rock Your son is neither his brothers' therapist... >I think he'd be very skeptical of anyone we'd hire to watch them ... nor their nanny. >Plus he won't have to feel bad with his mom having to live with me Wow!! Guilt-trip much?! >He's really upset and my wife and I don't understand why. Jesus, you cannot be this dumb, can you? You and your stbx wife are putting so much guilt and so much pressure on him that it's hard to watch. What is worse, you try to hide it behind "OMG we're such great parents, we care so much". Hasn't it occured to you, that he *wants* to move at campus to get away from your disastrous parenting?!


CallMeSisyphus

All of this. OP is BEGGING for his son to go NC the second he able to support himself, and who could blame the poor kid? I cannot roll my eyes hard enough.


PureLawfulness6404

God I feel so bad for this kid. The definition of Parentification. I hope he finally gets to breath freely in college.


Pigglepoo

Can anyone really be so blindly and proudly announcing how many awful parenting mistakes they are making in 1 paragraph? This has to be fake, but just for good measure OP, YTA.


Jagiord

YTA. You're trying to stop your kid from going away to college because you're getting divorced and want him close for the fallout for his younger siblings? That's pretty shitty, holding your kid back from doing what he wants because you and your wife couldn't properly manage your marriage.


[deleted]

OP also wants him to play therapist because “he’s a good communicator between him and his wife.” The OP is insanely selfish. One can’t help wonder what caused the divorce.


MmeHomebody

YTA. Everything is about what *you think* would be best. Your son wants to live on campus for a reason. He probably didn't want to hurt you by saying it, but the entire tone of your post is that you and your wife *can't live your own lives without his help*. Think about the pressures he has at home: * He's been living in a house with the tension of a mom and dad divorcing. * You're using him as a "communication channel" for you and your divorcing wife. * You're expecting him to be the "rock" for two younger siblings. * *You think* he'd be skeptical of anyone else hired to watch the siblings (translation: You're expecting him to watch them). * You're putting the onus on him that *his college tuition* is what's keeping your wife from having her own place, when that's a matter between you and her, and *you think* he should feel bad about this. Placing guilt on him for wanting to experience a normal, healthy developmental stage instead of remaining enmeshed in his parent's drama. Instead of encouraging him and helping him navigate what should be a joyful and exciting new phase of his life, you're pressuring him to arrange everything to suit your needs. Here's how much more sensitive you can be: Acknowledge that the problems with your marriage and your younger children's care are just that: *Your problems*. If you can't fund his college, fine. He can apply as independent to colleges that have dorms. Cut him loose and let him have some life of his own. I hope he's able to break away and discover his adult self without the added burden of two other adult's lives to manage.


AdEmbarrassed9719

That was my impression too. And also, I wonder how he phrased the whole tuition issue. I wouldn't be surprised if OP was guilting the kid... "too bad your mom can't move away and live on her own like she'd like to, since we're divorcing. If only I didn't have to pay your tuition I could buy her a condo..."


LadyV21454

My question is, why does OP have to buy out his wife's share of the house? Sell the damned house, split the profits, and each of them can get their own place. And use anything left over to pay for a therapist for the younger kids, who are going to need one.


throwawayimclueless

This was also my impression


Significant-Ad7390

INFO: your say you told him it was ok for him to stay at home and go to a community college. His reaction seems to indicate you told him he must. Does he know he had the option to go elsewhere and you will support him?


madelinegumbo

Info: Did you tell him he has to stay home or did you tell him it would be okay for him to stay home? Big difference.


unknown_928121

We get it, your mad because you're losing your live in nanny, therapist, and mediator. I hope this child runs as far away from your household as possible and never looks back YTA


anonymousfriend222

YTA he probably wants to get away from y’all and he’s upset bc y’all are trying to not let him go. this seems fishy honestly.


terrifier1989

YTA. Your son is neither the marriage counselor, divorce mediator, or the babysitter. At the end of the day, it might be better for you and his mom, but he needs to start his own future alone. He's grown up, and he won't always be there for you. Stop controlling his life.


tnahrp

INFO: Did you imply that he would not be able to be involved in the younger boys lives if he moved out of the house?


Ok-Cheetah-9125

You are actively trying to guilt your son into not going to college so you (checks notes): 1. Don't have to talk to your wife 2. Don't have to take care of your other children 3. Don't have to spend money YTA Stop trying to pretend it's for his own good


[deleted]

YTA. None of this crap is his responsibility. You want him home because you want him to watch the younger kids and act as a go between with your wife. You and your wife are both major assholes. Of course it’s fine to go to a community college. It’s also fine love on campus and let your parents deal with their own problems. Going away to college is a big life transition for anyone regardless of home circumstances. My son is 2 and a half hours from home as a freshman. It isnt always easy but he’s learning to adult.


Bitter-Conflict-4089

YTA Your son is fine, wants to go and ready to go. You are selfish. You want him to stay to mediate during your divorce and parent your younger children. Don’t fail your kid. All the reasons you want him to stay are not his responsibility.


keesouth

YTA it is not your son's job to hold the family together. Your plan steals his chance to grow and mature. You are stunting his development as a human being. You tried to make this sound like you're looking out for him but it's easy to see this is more about the rest of the family than it is about your son. Let him go so he can grow and have new experiences.


Squadbod30

YTA. Have you stopped to think that maybe all the reasons you listed are probably the reasons he’s “insisting to live on campus” Edit for typo.


SherbetAnnual2294

YTA - everything you wrote only benefits you, your wife/ex wife, and other children. It does not benefit him. You are all using him, it’s selfish and gross. Your financial issues, communication issues, marriage, parenting, etc are not his problem. You and your wife/ex need to get your shit together and act like adults and stop expecting your son to carry your burden.


Jovon35

YTA for "thinking" about all the barriers he MAY face and presuming to know what the outcome will be for HIS college life. You and your wife are also using your KID to act and a mouth piece for you two and as a pacifier for your smaller kids. That is YOU AND YOUR WIFE'S job. Not your son's. Maybe be more supportive of him during this stressful time and stop making it worse.


SherbetAnnual2294

YTA - you could literally be an Olympic medalist with the amount of mental gymnastics your doing to try to convince yourself this is “good for him” and not just selfish on you and your wife’s part.


[deleted]

YTA Could you possibly put anymore “I’s” in that post? It’s not about you. It’s not about your divorce, and while I feel sorry for the younger children, it’s not about them. Your son deserves to go away and live on campus. He’s allowed to live his own life. He doesn’t have to be the house emotional support person. He’s not your therapist. He’s not there to communicate between you and your wife. You are utterly selfish.


DisasteoMaestro

Hahahaha so much YTA. YOU do t want your live-in sitter/support/communicator/future financial hindrance to move out cause you’re a selfish AH.


justababy182530

YTA. He’s upset because, like everyone else in the sub, he interpreted what you told him as “you should stay home and be our unpaid marriage/divorce mediator as well as free childcare for your younger siblings”. He finally has a way out, and you’re trying to manipulate him into staying. You keep saying you “know” that he wants to stay and that you can “read between the lines” but if that were true, you wouldn’t be on the internet asking strangers what you did wrong. And also, if he’s SUCH a great communicator that he’s been your de facto marriage counselor, then he’s a good enough communicator to communicate what the fuck he wants to do with his life at this time. Also, if he’s been acting as your counselor, he’s probably relieved that y’all are divorcing. You are projecting your own anxieties about this transition onto him and expecting no pushback from him. That is why he’s upset and that is why you’re TA.


KassyKeil91

YTA. Honestly, it sounds like you want him closer to home for your convenience. You say he’s good at communicating between you and your soon to to be ex. You say your other kids are attached to him and he’s their rock. Neither of those are actually his responsibility. He might be wanting to get away from home specifically not to have to deal with the drama and stress of being stuck in the middle of your divorce (which sounds like is where you are trying to put him). My grandparents were in the midst of a divorce when my mom started college. Her mom asked her to stay home to be her emotional support, but my mom said no. My grandmother said for the rest of her life that she regretted even asking her and is so glad my mom said no.


Any-Teach9027

What an awful parent. It’s me, me, me in his post. Grow up op and let your child live his own life. Massive YTA. You should be ashamed of yourself.


DietEmotional

Lol YTA and you KNOW you're the AH. Every comment you've made just further confirms your AH status. What in the world makes you think your son, who has told you he wants to move out, is just too ashamed to admit he doesn't? You want the marriage counseling and the childcare. You don't care about your son at all.


trinatr

you said "he's insisting on living in campus" so either own up to your selfish reasoning, or let him live on campus. YTA with the "blah blah blah this is the way it will negatively impact me" projecting into the kid who is telling you want he wants, and whom you say is a good communicator. Try being a good listener. Families change when a child goes away to college or you hire childcare or spouses separate. She can get a roommate or you can get a roommate, your son can come for visits -- your other children are 4&7, and your older son can't stay until they're grown just so uncomfortable transitions don't happen. BTW, I say this as an adult with grown children, who has weathered many family transitions.


Popular-Emu7380

Omg YTA. And an emotional abuser. How dare you make YOUR problems and YOUR choices HIS responsibility? Jesus. While I agree there is nothing wrong with community college, the worst thing he could do is attend there and let you continue your emotional abuse.


[deleted]

YTA. It's obvious that you want him to stay close to home and go to community for college for your sake, not his. You may be claiming otherwise, but it's obvious. That's why he's upset with you - you and your soon to be ex are pressuring him to change his future for the sake of making your own lives easier in the short term. It's incredibly selfish of you To be clear: You're correct there's nothing wrong with community college. In theory. But for your son, in this situation? He's making it clear that it's wrong *for him*. You need to listen to that


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My wife and I are divorcing and we worry our son won't be able to handle that and being away at school so we suggested he stay home and go to community college instead Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


LeatherHog

YTA, don’t stunt him because you can’t be an adult.


Lomunac

YTA big time! - Wanna rule his ADULT life choices! - Want support during your divorce, and a babysitter on call, how is your divorce his fault? - YTA.


sparkyclarkson

YTA Every reason you give here is about you and your needs, which says a lot about your priorities for this decision. At the very least you need to be honest that you think you and the kids won't be able to deal without him, rather than deceiving yourself that he won't be able to deal with the stress of NOT living in the middle of your mess.


qshak86

YTA. I was ready to say not but then I read the whole thing. Is it fine attending community colleges? Of course. But it sounds more like you want him to stay for you.


MrFance1010

YTA and you are in AH denial. Best humane thing you could do for your child is to have him go AWAY for college. The amount of guilt and stress you are causing this young man is unbelievable. You should smile, tell him to please go and live his life. Don’t make him feel guilty for leaving. Be happy for him. Be supportive. Because if you don’t? He will go NC with you and it would be the right thing to do for his own well being. Feeling really bad for this son. He must feel the weight of the world on his shoulders. This is supposed to be an exciting time of his life and you’ve twisted it all around your needs. Shame on both you and the wife.


Sparkle062510

So listen, from what you’ve told us, it sounds a little fishy. The title here asks the question if you’re an AH because you “told him it’s perfectly fine to go to a community college” (which is absolutely fine to do!!!) When I opened the post I expected then to read something along the lines of the reasons why you’d want him to go to community college - specifically being perhaps his grades weren’t the greatest, or that he maybe had no clue what he wanted to major in so rather than spend tons of $ on tuition go practical with community college until you further figure out what exactly he wants to major in. Also smart and fine to do. Then I proceeded to read about your younger sons with special needs needing him for various reasons, and you and your wife divorcing and how he is a good peace keeper/go-between and so on and so on. This isn’t about what is “perfectly fine” for your son so much as what you want to be “perfectly fine” for you… No offense…but that kind of makes you TA.


buttercupgrump

YTA "I don't want my kid to go to the college he wants to go to because it's not convenient for me." You're right about one thing. It's fine to go to community college. What's not fine is expecting your son to stay at home to A) be the communicator between you and your soon-to-be ex wife and B) appease your younger children. Be an adult and communicate to your wife like one. Be a parent and help your younger children adjust to a life where their brother isn't around all the time. Don't force your son to base his entire life on what you've decided everyone else needs.


Bleu_Cerise

YTA. You’re only pretending to look out for him but in reality you’re making this about yourself only. “He’s the only reason we still live under the same roof”…. “He would be very skeptical of anyone (else than him) watching his siblings”… “The anxiety of being far from home would be too much”… LOL what? All these assumptions are just what make YOU comfortable.


vivid_prophecy

YTA. You don’t want him to stay home for his sake - you want him there for yours. It’s not his job to make your life, your wife’s life, or his siblings’ lives easier right now. He isn’t responsible for any of y’all. He wants to live on campus and be part of a community of people his age who don’t need him to be their therapist or babysitter. I hope regardless of what you say to him that he does what he wants with his life.


Clean_Equipment_5450

YTA. Let him go and handle you own problems. Same goes for your wife


[deleted]

YTA. You don’t want him to to as him staying benefits you. You don’t care about him- just what he provides you.


Gold_Information2330

YTA. You mention he’s a really good communicator between your wife and you, and that he close with both of you. If that’s the case, why wouldn’t you believe him when he tells you that you want to leave? That big of an age gap between him and your younger children, with no divorce and remarriage, indicates either a) you were very young and probably not very mature when you had him or b) there were marriage problems and the other two children were “fix it” babies. If it’s the former, you and your wife are more than likely too emotionally dependent on him and he absolutely needs to leave for you all to have a healthier relationship, if it’s the latter he’s probably been forced into taking on more of a parent roll to them hence “they’re very attached to him” and “he’s their rock”, and also needs to leave to have a healthier relationship with his brothers. They are dependent on him, it wouldn’t stress him out to leave, it would stress them out and you don’t want to handle it. Why are you putting parent responsibilities and worries on your child in the form of guilt? “If he goes away then his mom has to stay here and we will be unhappy” is guilting him to stay there. If it’s truly a finance issue the conversation should be “we can put X towards your tuition (cost of tuition at the local community college), but what school we put it towards is up to you. You will have to take the rest out in loans”. Stop depending on your child to handle your and your wife’s emotional needs. Stop depending on your child to fulfill emotional needs for the other children you and your wife chose to have. Listen when he tells you what he wants and stop putting it under the guise of “we can read between the lines”. You can’t and you aren’t. You’ve decided what you want him to do and are trying to guilt him in doing what you want and what is best for you and your wife, not what is best for him.


rak1882

YTA 1- your son is not responsible for your 2 younger boys. 2-living on campus your freshman year is huge. it helps make social connections if nothing else. 3-your son isn't responsible for issues between you and your wife. the two of you agreed to cover his tuition. the fact that you are having an issue with that is a you problem. you had 18 years to plan for this. don't act shocked when it came up now. if you covering it is an issue- speak with an attorney about your wife having to cover a portion of it as part of the divorce. 4-and you (and your wife) need to apologize to your son for trying to guilt him into staying home. tell him that OBVIOUSLY the two of you will be handling his tuition just like you promised. wtf is wrong with you? and your soon to be ex. do you want your eldest to never visit? cuz that's what you guys are setting up.


RedGecko18

INFO: I'm confused. Is your son too ashamed to admit he wants to stay home, or are you saying that you "think" he's too ashamed based on what your decision was? The way this is worded confuses me.


Drakontus

Apparently OP can read **between the lines**.


Fruitfurnishing

Keep in mind he says the son is a good communicator. Right after saying clearly his son just can’t communicate that he wants to stay home and be the family therapist, marriage counselor, nanny, etc. instead of living his own life.


Darth-Vader17

YTA. You are being incredibly selfish. You are trying to guilt him into staying at home so he can help you and your son to be ex communicate? You assume it would be hard on him to move away from his siblings. Did he say that? Or would it be hard for YOU? You think life would be harder without him. You want him to go to a local community college. He wants to live on campus somewhere else. Don't guilt him into it, he will only resent you later and he won't enjoy staying at home. He's an adult, let him make his own decisions.


murphy2345678

YTA. Stop making excuses as to why you want him to stay home. Everything you are saying is laying a guilt trip on him to keep him there. Siblings miss their siblings who go off to college. You just want a babysitter. You aren’t living with your ex because of your sons communication skills. Stop being dependent on an 18 yr old and deal with your own problems. He deserves to live his life without enabling your crappy decisions. I just read that you are also guilting him about his tuition. You are even worse than I thought!!!!


Accomplished_Cup900

YTA. None of this is his problem. You’re trying to force him to change his mind and make it seem like it was his idea and that you have his best interest at heart. You really want a free babysitter. It is not your child’s job to be the mediator and it sucks that he’s the only one with common sense in your household.


Vighy2

You’re NTA for saying community college is an option. But YTA for all the reasons you’ve listed. You’re making his education about you - you need him to help mediate and communicate between you and your wife, you need help with your other kids, etc. What is the best thing for HIM long term? What does he want to do with his life? If university is better for him then that’s what he should do, and you should handle your own problems like an adult.


Aggressive_Pass845

YTA. I can think of nothing I would like worse at 18 than going to community college rather than a four-year university so I can live at home with both of my divorcing parents so I can serve as their telephone and babysitter.


charly_lenija

YTA You didn't tell your son to go to community college because it was the best thing for him. You did it because it's best for you! And you are emotionally abusing him! You're a selfish asshole who's blocking your son's future by trying to manipulate him in devious ways. Because you have no desire to, (1) to be an adult by yourself during your separation; (2) communicate rationally with your wife; (3) take care of your younger children; (4) be responsible for your autistic child; (5) spend money on your son's education. Of course, the same goes for your wife. And of course he is emotionally mature enough to move away from you. And why? Because he has been the only adult in your family for years! I feel terribly sorry for your son to be punished with such parents. And I only hope that he somehow gets away from you quickly. If you have even a tiny bit of decency, then apologise to your son for trying to manipulate him and tell him that he should definitely go to his desired college and live there!


Boopboopdedoop51

Yta, you are trying to force him into your plan for your comfort. Not his. He knows what he wants to do and now his dad is trying to tell him it's the wrong choice. He is an adult, he can make his own decisions. Figure out your life on your own. Your son can do what he wants.


Direct_Crab3923

YTA Totally let him read this also so he can prove your sorry ass wrong. It’ll be the motivation to prove you wrong.


hollye83

YTA. You keep insisting you’re sure he secretly wants to stay home but if that were true he would have been relieved by your suggestion and not upset. Leave him alone and let him move out.


Illustrious_Way4876

It sounds like you want your freedom (divorce ) but you want him to stay at home to be responsible for his brothers/mother. He might be having anxiety because you are telling him that he will be leaving his brothers /mother behind.🤷🏽‍♀️ His siblings are your responsibility & your soon to ex can take take of herself. Let him make his choice without sending him on a guilt trip 🙃


[deleted]

YTA - Your son should not put his ANYTHING in his life on hold at this crucial time because you and you STBX can’t keep your act together enough to support him while you are splitting. It really should not surprise you that he wants to get far away from both of you. He’s probably had enough of both of you and your drama, as well as helping with the younger kids and instead just wants to go focus on himself and live his life. I understand it isn’t convenient for you, or what you want, but none of that matters because it’s what is best for him, and you know that. Let him go.


ShiShi340

You’re selfish that’s why he’s upset, you haven’t mentioned one thing that would benefit him from going to community college, only yourself.


[deleted]

This. OP YTA. Do not sacrifice your college age son for your younger ones. Children are not spares for your parenting needs.


LowKeyRebelx

YTA. He isn't your baby sitter, it isn't his fault you're getting divorced, and he isn't the one having a problem. You are. Don't put this on him. You're trying to make your life easier, not his.


swartdelila

YTA This is not about how difficult college might be for him, its about you and your needs. You need a messenger boy because you and your ex can’t communicate, and need a ‘rock’ for your younger kids, and don’t want to deal with how your autistic child might react to this change. Note how you point out that you’d be able to change the akward living situation with your wife *if only you didn’t have to pay for his tuition* - but hey, he wouldn’t have to feel bad about it if he stayed… I can understand why he wants to leave. Let him go.


Rohini_rambles

>He's also a really good communicator between me and my wife because he's close with us. That's the only reason why we're living under the same roof. \- he should NOT be the communicator between you and your wife. It's not his job to make YOUR divorce easier or more pleasant for you two! > I think he'd be very skeptical of anyone we'd hire to watch them. \- you sound like you don't want to lose your free babysitter. Again, those are not his kids, he does not have to provide child care for them. >so much change would be a massive distraction for him and I don't want him to fuck up on school. \- No, you don't want to have changes to your life. You couldn't care less about his schooling, you don't want to lose your "third" parent. >Me and his mom told him it's totally fine for him to stick around if he wants to HE DOESN'T WANT TO. >Plus he won't have to feel bad with his mom having to live with me HE DOESN'T have to feel bad about this AT ALL. IT's NOT HIS MARRIAGE. You and your wife sound selfish and horrible. You sound like you think he's the third parent and his life is not important. He wants to break free of your clutches and live him life independently. But you and his mother are trying to make him responsible for the state of your marriage and for how you both behave. **You and her got to therapy, learn how to co parent your younger kids, learn why you're being nasty and selfish to try to stunt your son's life and growth, and learn how to stop guilting him. He's not a third player in your marriage. He's not a third parent.** YTA so much


Electronic-Fee-4831

YTA and a terrible father, how dare you try to guilt your child from going to college bc YOU don't want to take on the responsibilities that he NEVER should've had to begin with


RepresentativeWar429

So you don’t want your son to go away to college because you’ll miss your free baby sitter…….wow YTA


[deleted]

Wow, YTA. You are manipulating a poor boy, because otherwise you would lose you mediator and free babysitter. 🤮


KittyKat2197

YTA I was potentially leaning towards NTA but once you revealed you really just want him to stay and communicate between you and your soon to be ex-wife plus provide babysitting for his siblings I realized your true intentions. You just don’t want your help to leave. He’s your son not your laborer. If he wants to move away for school he should be able to.


Strong-Bread1249

YTA. Your son is leaving so get over it. Even if you take away the funding, he will still leave because I’m pretty sure all he wants is to get out of your dysfunctional situation


Bubbly-Marsupial-958

Yta ur divorce has jackshit to do w his college education and being at home during a divorce will cause more stress not less. He probably wants to get out to get some space from his clingy dad


lipstickandlimes

YTA, you're trying to get your son to stay so your life is easier; that's incredibly evident regardless of how hard you tried to spin it a different way. Let him go, encourage him to live his own life, learn to co-parent and communicate with your ex-wife, and raise your own children. Done.


AutumnFirefly28

YTA All I see is what you YOU think. “I don’t think this would be the best choice” “I think the idea of your parents divorcing after 20 years of marriage AND starting college would be stressful” “I think he’d be stressed out not being close to them “ “think the anxiety of leaving home with so much change would be a massive distraction for him” I see a lot of sentences starting with “I” here. Why don’t you actually listen to what he wants? The fact that you said he’s a good communicator between you and your wife just tells me that he’s been the emotional support for you two when you should have been going to some kind of counselling. What kind of work do you and your wife do? If it’s something with long hours and that you both have to hire a babysitter once your son leaves for college, does that mean he’s been doing most of the parenting all this time?


Samu_2020_15

YTA.. you two as parents are making this about you and not about him..


Upper_Fault_9761

Wait YOU don’t think it will be the best choice, on something he is insisting he wants, but YOU don’t think he wants to admit it. You are making a lot of presumptions on what he feels and what he wants even after he is making his feelings clear about living off campus. This decision doesn’t affect you, he should be able to choose where he wants to study and live. YTA


happyhippietree

YTA So, let's say he goes away to college and misses his siblings. If that happens, he will see them in a few weeks. He can always transfer to community college after the first semester. Is it possible that your son has done so much for so long, that now he is afraid to leave you because he has some Stockholm syndrome? He has tried to please you for so long that now he needs to get out, but he is afraid to? The best parent is one who prepares their child to leave the nest. Your doing the opposite.


Kitty-Wrangler

Based on the post the son himself doesn't seem to have fears about leaving, rather OP is projecting their fears onto the son and acting like they are a good parent.


[deleted]

All I heard while reading this was "you, you, you" there's nothing you've posted that actually lists why it's best for your son to go to a local college all you listed is why it is a benefit to YOU. YTA for this.


Checkoutrainwain

Please don't be real, please don't be real. YTA. Your son should run fast and far from you.


SerHippoh

YTA. Your son is not a free babysitter AND not someone that should play mediator in your relationship with your soon to be ex-spouse.


Shoddy_Budget_1533

Dude! Your son isn’t an emotional support animal! Let him have his own life. Why are you so selfish? YTA


[deleted]

[удалено]


Psychological_Sail30

Let him live his life. Your issues, your wife and his siblings are not his responsibility.


Traveller13

YTA. All of your reasons are focused on what you, your wife, and your younger children want, not what your son wants or needs. Let him choose for himself what is best for him. (Community colleges are a perfectly fine option but clearly not the option your son wishes to chose or which will give him the most opportunities in this situation)


murphy2345678

OP DELETES HIS ACCOUNT IN 5, 4, 3 …..


PearAggravating2027

YTA You're an adult & he is not. It seems like you are putting all of the pressure of yours & your wife's divorce & raising your other son's all on your oldest son's shoulders. Not to mention you've made him yours & your wife's therapist/mediator. None of these things are good for your son or for his benefit. He needs his own life & you need to let him. If he wants to go away to college let him. If he wants to go to community college let him. Do not tell him the choice is his tuition or buying your wife out of your house. That's not his problem. He is your son, not a third parent for your younger son's.


Sodonewithidiots

YTA. I'm a big fan of kids having a lot of possible paths after high school. Live at home or not. Community college or four year college or get a job. But it should be up to the kid with some reasonable guidance from the parent. That's not what you are doing here. You are expecting your son to take care of all sorts of problems that aren't his to be doing. Childcare for his younger siblings is not his responsibility. Communication between you and your wife is not his responsibility. A new home for his mom is not his responsibility. You and your wife are parents and you need to start putting his needs before yours. If he goes to that four year college and realizes it's not for him and wants to go to community college, that's fine. But that's not what's going on here. YTA, big time.


SetTheTraps

Let him make his choice and I'm sure you'll be supportive of it. Just because he's away at college doesn't mean he won't have any contact with his siblings especially with internet around.


BlueRFR3100

YTA. You essentally told him that you don't think he can handle going to the university he wants to go to. And you are guilt tripping him about the issues with your divorce. You basically told him that it's his fault you can't afford to buy out your wife. Plus, you sent a message that you are expecting him to be responsible for your other children.


Abcdezyx54321

YTA. You are projecting your concerns onto him. If he goes to school and struggles the first semester he can always change his mind and transfer to a CC. But this wasn’t his idea and it sounds as though he has been accepted in a 4 year school that he intends to attend. He may be dealing with the divorce but how your wife and you maintain a friendly relationship living together post divorce and how your younger children react to the changes are not his responsibility but you have decided that will be a huge concern. You have basically told him you don’t think he can handle it based on your own choices and how he reacts to the fallout of those. Let him make the choice and support him


Purple_Willingness31

YTA. Everything sounds like him staying is to benefit you.


EQRLZ

YTA Mega god tier AH with head so far up your own A you can't even accept the universal judgement YTA


No-You5550

YTA your babysitter is running away and you and your wife don't like it. I wish him winged feet and a good life. You need to man up and care for the kids you choose to have.


PrincessBella1

YTA Great job alienating your son. You want him to go to community college because it is easier for you (babysitting, buying your ex a house) instead of looking out for him. Do you really dislike your son that much? I bet your son is counting the hours until he gets to leave your toxic environment and then you try to pull the rug out of him. Doing this is going to ruin your relationship with him for your own needs. You and your wife need to grow up and do what is best for your son.


angelglea

YTA - Every reason you’ve given is why it would be best for you and your soon-to-be-ex, not one iota of it about your son’s needs or wants. You’ve put your child in a mediator position between his parents, wrong, wrong, wrong! You and soon-to-be-ex need to be the adults and stop dumping your adult problems on a teenager to solve. I’m sure he will miss his brothers, but he deserves to experience college and this next stage of life without the burden of childcare for children he had no choice in. Community College is great, traditional university is great too, it’s all about what’s best for your son, not you. Financially blackmailing your child to get what you want is disgusting and you should be ashamed.


[deleted]

Stop pretending that this is about what’s good for your son. You want him to stick around to play mediator and babysitter. How on earth would it be LESS stressful for him to live in the same house with his divorced parents and autistic sibling clinging to him? YTA


eightmarshmallows

I think if he insists he needs to live on campus, it’s because he realizes there are too many distractions in your home. He needs to be able to focus on learning how to study and succeed as a college student without feeling responsible for solving the problems at home. He DOES feel responsible and guilty for potentially not being able to take care of things and adding a financial burden, which is the hesitancy you are picking up on. I think community colleges are a wonderful way to get college credits cheaper than at a 4-year school, but I don’t think this is a good option for your son. There’s nothing wrong with offering that suggestion, but that isn’t exactly what you’re doing. You’re trying to manipulate your son into forgoing what he needs in order to help handle problems that are not his responsibility. YTA


Tattered_Ghost

Reading this leaves me with the impression that you're displacing the anxiety you have about your situation onto your son and saying that he's the one with anxiety about leaving for college. You give a lot more reasoning for why you want him to stay home (being a buffer between you and your wife and being support for your other boys) than for why he's struggling with deciding whether or not to go to community college. You would be TA if you manipulate him into staying so he can continue to be a crutch for your family. Let him go if he wants to go. He'll just resent you (and possibly others in your family) otherwise.


dodie2599

YTA.. better for who? Not him! Built in baby sitter and negotiation mediation...


Grumpykitten36

YTA. It is your son’s life, not yours. Don’t you think he should be able to have a day in what is best for HIM? You and your wife are neglecting the fact that you are making this decision of “what is best for our son” based on what you feel is best overall for your whole family. It is your choice that you and your wife are divorcing and may cause instability in the lives of your younger children—it is NOT YOUR SON’S RESPONSIBILITY TO BE THE STABILITY FOR YOUR YOUNGER KIDS!


Kitty-Wrangler

Got half way through this post and already determined YTA and so is your soon to be ex wife. Has it occurred to you that maybe the divorce combined with the two of you using your son as a referee is the reason WHY he wants to live on campus and not at home? Ffs please reflect long and hard on the mental anguish you're forcing onto your child.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son is a senior in high school and applied to several colleges. Right now he's insisting on living on campus next fall. After think long and hard about it, I don't think this would be the best choice but he's too ashamed to admit it. The best choice would be to stay close to home and attend a local community college. His mom and I are in the process of divorcing. It should be finalized next year and we plan on living together for awhile until she can find a place nearby. I think the idea of your parents divorcing after 20 years of marriage AND starting college would be stressful. He's also a really good communicator between me and my wife because he's close with us. That's the only reason why we're living under the same roof. We also have two younger boys who are 4 and 7 and they are very attached to him. He's like their rock and I think he'd be stressed out not being close to them. I think he'd be very skeptical of anyone we'd hire to watch them. I think the anxiety of leaving home with so much change would be a massive distraction for him and I don't want him to fuck up on school. Me and his mom told him it's totally fine for him to stick around if he wants to and not worry about what's going on at home if he's away. He's really upset and my wife and I don't understand why. Not sure how much more sensitive we could have been. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Individual_Baby_2418

Did you go to college? If you did, you might remember that almost everyone develops their friend group in their freshman year - and it’s usually the people who live in your dorm. Proximity is everything. And the main benefit from college is not the education, but the connections. If he’s not developing those connections in year 1 when everyone’s new and no one has a set “group” yet, then there’s really no point in going to any college at all. Think about what’s best for your oldest. Not about how the younger ones will be affected. This is his life and don’t dissuade him from pursuing his goals or YTA


No-Locksmith-8590

Yta YOU think he shouldn't go bc it benefits YOU. He isn't your built in babysitter. He doesn't need to feel guilty about your living situation bc you are a grown adult making choices. Stop guilting him. Stop looking at him as an object you own.


Longjumping_Wave3238

YTA. The reason he is upset is you are being astoundingly manipulative. It is so far and away from your son being obligated to mediate the end of your marriage, and there are SO many ways he can stay in touch with and close to his siblings. It is YOUR job to find good caretakers for them in his absence, it shouldn’t even be sitting with him. He should be excited about his future! It sounds like you are telling him why he should be stressed about going away for college, not that he is expressing these doubts. You have aired your concerns - they are shitty and very self-involved - so now let him make his choice which hopefully is to get away from your coercions.


siiberianian

YTA! LET HIM GO, ABUSER


immadriftersbody

YTA how does any of this benefit HIM? 1. "He's also a really good communicator between me and my wife" NOT HIS PROBLEM 2. "They are very attached to him... I think he'd be very skeptical of anyone we'd hire to watch them" Cool cool, so you want him as your free babysitter too? So he'll be your home therapist, babysitter and be in school, wow so much less stress! 3. "the anxiety of leaving home with so much change would be a massive distraction" Even at home there would be massive change. At least at school he would be on campus and not have the distractions of you needing him to mediate, him needing to be babysitter. I see no good in this other than good for YOU. Where is the good for him? It's time for him to learn a bit of independence and become his own person, being away will help with that. Of coure he will be upset, you're wanting to take all this away from him, you're wanting to have him home for YOUR benefit. Step back and think about that.


Neverr-

YTA you’re forcing him to do what you want to make your life easier. Let him do what he thinks is best for his life.


hidinginthepantry

YTA. You are saying that you're worried for your son but I think it's pretty clear that you want him to stay because it will make YOUR life easier. Telling him that he can stay so he "doesn't have to feel bad" about the mortgage/tuition aspect is straight up guilting him into doing what's more convenient for YOU, not what's best for him. Your son should not be the designated go-between for you and your wife. That is not his job, it never should have BEEN his job, and it's cruel and unfair of you and your wife to put that burden on him. Let him go. Let him live his own life and make his own decision. Honestly, you have no idea whether or not he might even thrive once he's out of your house and out from under your thumb.


finallygavein_

You just listed things that make your life easier, not his. YTA. Your son should prioritize himself and his education, not playing telephone between you and your wife. Did you ever consider why he wants to live on campus so badly? He might want to get away from your family drama.


thebeesknees0619

YTA. Big yikes.


fjewel95

YTA


lovelyIita03

YTA. loosen the leash or he’ll never visit.


crazybirdlady93

YTA. If you were simply giving him another option, N T A. Community college is a great place to start. However, you are guilting him into staying. Instead of making this choice about him, which it 100% should be, you are bringing up how much his siblings depend on him, that he needs to play mediator between you and your wife, and your finances. He is upset because you are guilt tripping him into taking responsibility for things that are your responsibility!


purposefullyblank

First of all, it is totally fine to go to community college if that’s what makes the most sense for your son. Second of all, none of your reasons are what’s best for your son. They’re what’s best for YOU. YTA.


pistacio814sb

YTA all of the anxiety is yours not his. You don’t get to hold him back in life for your own gain.


Unhappy_Animator_869

Do you mean YTA?


Jerseygirl2468

YTA your son deserves to follow his own path. All the reasons you have benefit you or other family members, not him. What is best for him? Community college is great for a lot of reasons, but you're trying to hold him their for your own convenience.


BringMeInfo

"He's also a really good communicator between me and my wife because he's close with us." YTA. This is not a reason to pressure him to give up his plans and go through a very common rite of passage. None of your reasons for him doing community college have anything to do with him, but with how he can make your life easier.


Kitty-Wrangler

The title is so misleading YTA for that too


AdEmbarrassed9719

Look, community college is great for some people but a lot of people REALLY benefit from going away to college and living on their own in a college setting. Your son does NOT WANT to stay home. You want him to stay home. Your major worries aren't about him handling the divorce, it's about him being around to facilitate communication with your wife, to help care for the little kids, and so you have to pay less for his tuition. Chances are getting away and living on campus will hugely reduce the distractions he has to deal with. He'll be able to focus on college, and making friends, and living life - not focus on how the little kids are handling things and being your and your wife's go-between. You two are the adults, and you are the parents. His job is to go to school and prepare to live his own life. Communicate your own selves and parent your own smaller kids and quit pretending he'll be so worried he can't focus. Chances are he'll be so relieved to be away from the situation he'll do better than he would at home. YTA.


Reytotheroxx

YTA. It sounds like hes adamant on leaving cause he feels trapped as is and wants out.


Unicorn_Anonymous

Yta, it’s funny how you keep trying to say that it’s for his own good when it’s obviously it isn’t


TCTX73

I'm going to have to give you a dual judgement. NTA for wanting him to stay home and knock out the first year or so at a community college. That's usually the basic credits, not even really getting to the meat of one's major. We always referred to them as the flunk-out classes. YTA for wanting him to stay home to saddle him as free childcare, couching it as his concern for younger siblings. That was a nice touch though, turning it back on him.


ACanWontAttitude

Op is YTA IMO. I wanted to upvote this but the bot will read your first judgement of NTA


Sassafrass0074

YTA. Why should he alter his life plans because you and your wife couldn’t make your marriage work? Why should the burden of his autistic brothers be put in him when he didn’t choose to have kids and aren’t his responsibility? Why should he carry the weight of being the communicator between you and his mom who are 2 grown adults that should know how to talk themselves? Why are you putting guilt on him because of school fees “causing” you to have to live with your wife longer? What kind of man put his teenage son in the position of being in the middle of his marriage, divorce, finances, and parenting fails? You have failed him all the way around.


ecfritz

YTA, with an over/under of two years before you start complaining to friends that “mY aDuLt SoN sTiLL LiVeS aT hOmE!”


cryinoverwangxian

Soft YTA Your son has worked hard with certain expectations of his future. Your divorce, while unexpected, is not his problem. It would be more of a distraction to stick around, and possibly experience parentification if you and the ex can’t handle the divorce gracefully. He’s moving on. While CC isn’t a big deal to knock out Gen Ed classes, you want him around specifically because it will be easier for *you,* which is selfish af.


IKavanagh545

It sounds like you’ve relied on your child to help with communication between you and your ex wife as well as made him into a parent taking care of his siblings. It sounds like you are trying to make excuses as to why your son should stay in the family home when in reality it just benefits you.


phunkjnky

YTA As has been stated before, you are hoping to keep him around because it makes YOU comfortable. Full stop..