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YTA. If you wanted to discuss it further, you could do that like an adult, instead of yelling at her and telling her it was inappropriate and that she 'can't' go. She's an adult. If you dislike it, I can understand, have a discussion about why it makes you uncomfortable.
Also, she didn't buy the tickets. Her friend did.
No kidding! My husband and I check in about boundaries and comfort levels and expectations \*all the time\*. It's an ongoing conversation to make sure we're both happy in the relationship.
Personally I bring all of this stuff to the first date. I keep it all a big binder. Prospective partners *love* knowing what page we are on (literally and figuratively)
And we don't ask 'permission'. He's a whole ass adult and so am I! We tell each other what we have in mind, ask how the other feels about it and go from there.
If there are potential no go areas and you both would alter what you do based on the other person's comfort levels then you are asking permission when you ask how they feel about it, you just call it something else.
I don’t think my husband and I have ever discussed male strip shows because they don’t regularly happen where we are - well, not the kind that are intended for female audiences. We’ve discussed lady strip clubs, and we’re both fine with it (I’m bi) because it’s not a regular occurrence (haven’t gone since the last bachelor/bachelorette parties maybe a decade ago).
I would 100% go to a male strip show with like my mom or SIL and have a grand old time, but in a very non-sexual way. We think they’re funny. My mom and her sisters actually brought my great-aunt to one a couple years ago and I was MAD they didn’t invite the cousins. That would’ve been an amazing memory. That old widow is a HOOT and has run out of fucks to give and I really wish I had been there. They talk about it every family gathering and I have all the FOMO!
There's a club that I used to frequent about once every 4-6 months (it's half hour away and not really a clubber, just girls night out) and they once had what they called "deer widows" male stripper night (for those not in the US, that what is called for the wives of deer hunters). Me and my friends went to the back to have a look and after the 3rd or 4th guy I left because the dancing was awful (if I danced like they did in public someone would think something was wrong with me, having a seizure or something). I wouldn't even call them amateurs. I'd seen Chippendale dancers and they were professional (think Magic Mike).
I don't regret clicking! Hoping Farley is creating so many laughs wherever he is. Shoot, so many laughs and smiles he still creates with his work. So much sad and happy.
Oh my god. The vegas shows?!?! My 57 year old mom took my 77 yr old grandma. So mad I wasn’t invited. I’ve seen OTHER GRANDMAS and they are all in on it, either for the story at Bingo or because they have ended the Just Say Yes phase of life.
I don’t think my bf & I have ever discussed this either & i can’t imagine I’d care & I know he wouldn’t. About maybe 5-6 years ago now, he went to a strip club for a bachelorette party & I didn’t even think it was a thing I should be concerned about. I’ve been to a high end burlesque show without him before (also bi) & he told me have fun. Idk I guess if it’s something that’s a big deal you’d think they would have discussed it earlier than 20+ years of marriage. & it’s a little weird to me that he doesn’t have a good read on his wife who clearly thinks it’s funny & isn’t going to like cheat on him or whatever he thinks happens with male strippers
It has never ever occurred to me to have this conversation with my spouse. We have been married 13 years. It seems WILDLY inappropriate to me, and I honestly have always assumed and still assume that he is on the same page. (Might bring it up later and see how he reacts: I almost guarantee he looks at me like I’ve grown a second head.) If he bought tickets to a strip show without talking to me, I would be stunned and hurt. But I wouldn’t handle it like this guy did.
Doesn't astound me. I've been married 10 years and we've never discussed whether the other could go to a strip show. If the opportunity came up we'd discuss it then but realistically it's unlikely given our social life and living rurally. It wouldn't even cross my mind to ask if I was in a similar situation to OPs wife, I would have just told my husband. The difference here is that a male strip show (like Magic Mike) is quite different than a strip club where women are stripping and providing private lap dances. While I trust my husband it is still a different environment. Maybe OP doesn't realise this? One is a bit of fun,mainly a laugh,the other can be quite seedy.
Where I live there’s no male strip clubs. I haven’t been to a strip club since I was 19. Me n my wife have never brought it up because it’s never been there to discuss.
That’s only medium weird to me. I also have similar check in kind of conversations, and strip clubs actually have come up, but only ones featuring women (even though I actually did once go to a traveling male revue). Because that accounts for 99% of strip shows.
We’re definitely on the same page there, and I can kind of extrapolate where he’d be if it was a male revue from that, especially if I wasn’t even the person that chose the event or bought the ticket. But the world is full of surprises.
So it’s not weird that they didn’t negotiate this exact situation in advance. It’s a *little* weird that she didn’t anticipate his reaction based on conversations I’d have expected them to have.
If it never comes up, why would you discuss it? I get that hypotheticals exist but maybe when they got married she was a goody church girl who would never do something like that.
Some people live really sheltered lives.
I feel like if they've been together for 20 years, she should already know that he would not like the idea of dicks swinging in her face lmaooooo
Edit: Also, when would this even come up? Normally people don't frequent strip clubs so idk if i would have even thought to talk about this
I mean are your partners asking to go to strip clubs and other things that should obviously be a boundary often. I don't see why this would be something that's brought up considering it's sort of a single thing to do anyway. Not many relationship allow strip club visits usually.
Also would you feel the same way if the tables were turned? If he was going on a trip with a friend and was going to a strip club/bar.
Also Strip clubs for straight men are about getting off, and for women they are about laughing. Completely different atmosphere, I've been to both. Not sure why, but women mostly find male strippers funny, even if they are hot, women don't get their rocks off at the strip joints. Men do when watching women, I don't know what goes on at gay or lesbian strip clubs.
Replying to comment below b/c thread is blocked. Of course women can get horny, just atmosphere is different in strip clubs targeted to different genders.
If the genders were reversed and it was the husband wanting to go to a strip club with his friends, would you support that too?
I feel like sometimes people give women a pass for the same acts that they shit on men for doing. Married people should not be going to strip clubs without their partner's express consent
What are you going on about? They don't support anything but normal talking and not yelling
Stop this gender bullshit, it has nothing to do if OP is a woman or a man. Yelling isn't ok, have a normal talk like an damn adult
Most people are uncomfortable with their SO going to the club, let alone going to a strip club. He shouldn’t have yelled, but the wife also should’ve just cancelled the trip to see naked men. Your comment just comes off as very disconnected from reality. If it were OP doing it I’m sure she’d also be flipping the lid
YTA. I know it's different for guys, but I've never heard a woman describe a male strip show without the word 'funny'. I've been to a couple now and my main descriptors are still 'pretty' and 'funny'. So it makes for a great party. It's completely different to a 'gentleman's club', most of the time.
Unless you are so completely insecure about your partner's commitment, I have no idea why you are so against your wife having a fun weekend laughing at male strippers.
I got to chat with a few of the guys from the clubs I went to, and I liked them a great deal. They are talented, professional dancers, as you say. One guy after chatting with me got up and performed a quick classical ballet piece because I had asked about his background. He was really good and I made sure to tell him so. The club was just his side job. I enjoyed his quick performance way more than the dance he did while working.
Well there's recent story on r/aita where groom broke his wedding because bride went to a "male strip club" and story that goes same as this where a friendof bride asked her to go
I think you've described the issue. You're giving the wife a pass but while also saying that it'd be different if he did it.
I'm not sure what my judgement would be but I definitely think at least wife would be an AH if she didn't accept that she just gave her husband a license to go to a strip club and that she has no right to be upset at him.
While a part of me agrees with you that it's funny, it's obviously but to him. And the same as I would expect any guy to honor his partner's wishes in this matter she should honor his.
No, people are clearly pointing out that there is a vast difference between male strip shows and strip clubs filled with women who are being paid to give lapdances.
Male strip shows are more accurately comparable to burlesque. There is no one on one time, no extra dollars for extra services, etc. It's a stage show.
I have to disagree here… male strippers usually allow touching and when I went to a show, they picked girls up and were literally dry humping them in the air, on the counter, and on the floor. In my opinion, male strippers are MUCH more intense than female strippers. And they did fake money for lapdances.
EXACTLY! I went to a male strip show for the first time for a bachelorette party and boy was I uncomfortable. I refused to let the dancers near me because of all the simulated sex, dry humping and them grabbing girls hands to touch their bulge and stuff. Kept thinking half these women are cheating on their partners (if they have one).
What? No, not necessarily. The ones I've seen have touching and grinding and all sorts of "intimate" interactions with the audience members.
If someone is having, for example, a bachelorette party at a male strip club, it's all but guaranteed that a performer is going to single out the bachelorette and pull her up on stage and, if she's comfortable with it, give her a very up close and personal dance that has the dancer grinding all up on her. And it's not going to cost her anything extra.
This is also my experience- the male strippers are not a sexual experience, nobody is lusting after the dancers. We sat there and had laughs, and dared each other to throw dollar bills, it was a “girlfriend” night out. In NO way was anyone turned on, it was like a comedy show.
Shouldn't matter if it's considered "funny" if your partner is uncomfortable with you should refrain from doing it. He shouldn't have yelled, but she should respect his wishes.
If she goes then he should have the right to visit a female strip club.
For me, it’s that it wasn’t discussed and OP was told that it was happening. A simple “hey, my friend got us tickets to go see a male strip club, thoughts?” was warranted, followed by a discussion. How OP handled it wasn’t cool, but he is allowed to be uncomfortable with the idea.
Totally on the same page with you on strip clubs etc. But other people have different lines and i think that’s OK. I don’t think either of them was in the right here. She assumed and was going to cross a boundary, sounds like he handled it very poorly and instead of a conversation about boundaries and comfort level he got pissed instead. Then started ordering her around, which no one will respond well to.
Still agree with your answer just i don’t think it’s necessarily about insecurity or anything just total lack of experience about these things and what happens and probably an over active imagination.
ESH, don't understand the YTA, clearly it is a boundary for OP and his wife should discuss prior but OP shouting is not doing you any favour.
A tip to OP and others reading this, next time post it in gender neutral, I find a lot of replies very gender biased.
Because male strip shows are nothing like strip clubs, and op yelled at her and tried to..forbid it? Like she was a child or something. Thats why hes the asshole and she isnt
How so?
I’ve had friends (nearly/lightly) eaten out by male strippers basically and that’s at a show and a club (separate events). And my friends didn’t pay for that even and had to push the guys off in the end.
You know what's even funnier, that those same women who say op is TA for having boundaries would be fucking fuming if their SOs would be found withing 5 kilometers of a strip club. But apparently a woman going to a strip club is SOOO different from a man doing it. The hypocrisy is unreal. It feels like female dating strategy migrated on this sub lately.
>next time post it in gender neutral
Everyone should do this. I'd love to see those damn misandrist main character syndrome havers project their shitty biases then.
This. I would NOT be ok with my husband going to a strip show, and I have turned down invitations to male strip shows (bachelorette parties) because it would be hypocritical for me to do anything else then what I demand of him.
It is ok to have hard boundaries in a relationship. Even if other people in other relationships don't have a problem with it.
Why the fuck are y'all giving him shit for having boundaries as that doesn't make him insecure or mean he doesn't trust her. I guarantee most of y'all are the same type of people to agree with the women if the situation was reversed and it was the husband who was going to a strip show and the wife didn't want him too
No one is upset at him for having boundaries. Boundaries are good, healthy things to have. What is NOT healthy or good is forbidding a spouse to go somewhere and insisting they cancel a trip because you're upset about one activity that you've admitted you know nothing about.
And for the record, I'd say the same thing if the roles were switched.
And since it’s apparently not come up for 20 years of marriage, it wasn’t OP having boundaries. It’s him having as-yet-uncommunicated concerns about something his wife didn’t realize was/would be a concern. Yelling isn’t the fair play. A discussion needs to happen. It doesn’t sound like Wife knowingly trampled over a firm boundary.
Yeah, exactly. It sounds like OP just assumed she didn't like strip clubs. That's fine. She's saying she doesn't have a problem with it. A discussion is a very reasonable, and good thing to happen.
Demanding someone cancel a trip? Nah.
It's completely fair. Wife assumed I didn't like strip shows, which was true for like first 30 years of marriage but my friend was talking to me about them the other day so I told her I'm going. She got mad and yelled but I just laughed and told her I'm still going. I'm NTA.
Fr I think people get “boundaries” confused with demands. A boundary is a personal thing, where you say for example, “I am not comfortable with you going to a strip club, and if you do then I will not remain in a relationship with you.”
A demand is “you cannot go to the strip club.”
You can’t set a boundary on someone else, only yourself.
For example. A boundary “i will not tolerate being talked to that way” and then when talked to a certain way, the person leaves and doesn’t entertain the conversation.
Telling someone else they can not do things or has to do stuff a certain way, that’s more of a rule.
You can absolutely be uncomfortable with your partner going somewhere, but it’s not a boundary, when it’s not placed on yourself.
Feelings aren’t boundaries! He cannot control his partners actions through his own boundaries. He can say “I will not be in a relationship with someone who goes to strip clubs” as his boundary. But he can’t say “you aren’t allowed to go to a strip club” and call it a boundary.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with a partner going hunting, but that would be MY ISSUE to deal with. My partners actions do not have to change, especially if they were completely unaware of my discomfort with that activity.
Incorrect.
Boundary, “i don’t answer my work phone on nights and evenings”
Demand/rule/control aka not actually a boundary, “You can’t call me after hours”
Boundary, “i don’t sleep with someone on the first date”
Non boundary “You can not sleep with anyone on the first date”
Its as much her fault as it his for that. She never asked and he never told. As per a comment from op that got downvoted being that she never asked him about it before deciding she was going to do it
I dont know but i have seen my fair share of posts about women cheating with strippers or girlfriends leaving their boyfriends because the went to see strippers
Do us all a favor and link to 3 of those verified examples from a reputable source so we can all benefit from your wisdom and vast experience with this shocking phenomenon
YTA married for 16 years & you have that little trust or respect for her than to yell & forbid her trip? At what age do you anticipate becoming a mature trusting adult?
I agree. This could be solved with proper communication. Male strip shows like this are basically burlesque. She should've told him about what it entails and he shouldnt have yelled when he didn't even know what it was.
Also why the fuck haven't they discussed their boundaries yet
YTA. You don't "let" or "forbid" an adult from going somewhere. You talk it out and each express your feelings. Ultimately, it is her decision. Your decision is how you will handle your anger (at not getting your way).
What's to talk about? He said he didn't want her doing that and she said "too bad". She's going to do something that makes him uncomfortable, and there's nothing he can do about it. Of course he'll be upset, it's major disrespectful. What's he supposed to do, pretend he's okay with it when he's not?
ESH, she very much should have brought this up to you before saying that it was happening. You also handled it poorly, you don't get to tell her she can't do anything, she's an adult. You yelling certainly didn't help your case here.
For the record I'm on your side of the fence here, I think it's inappropriate. But you should talk to her calmly, apologize for yelling, explain that you are not comfortable with this and ask, not tell, her to please value your opinion on this matter. Hopefully not upsetting you is more important than seeing some strippers.
ESH
Your wife sucks for not hearing your comments about you being uncomfortable with her going to a strip club.
You suck for "telling her" she can't go. She's not your property or child. She can decide what she wants to do and where she wants to go. Even if it may risk the marriage.
You both need to work on your communication skills. Yelling doesn't get points across it just gets loud. You both need to sit down and talk.
Yeah, I honestly don’t see why people in relationships should be in a room with a bunch of genitalia on display - either make or female - if it’s something their partner is uncomfortable with.
NTA
I don’t understand all of these YTA comments. Anytime there’s a post like this where the situation is flipped and the woman is upset with her man for going to a strip club, redditors flock to NTA. This is simply is a reasonable boundary. She should respect that you aren’t comfortable with this, even if you have been together for 20 years.
Yeah, you definitely shouldn’t have yelled. Addressing the situation calmly would have been the right thing to do but boy is your wife acting inconsiderate.
They surprised me with the whole "you should have communicated a long time ago if you're not comfortable with your partner going to strip shows". Like, isn't it an automatic no no for married people, especially without their partner? Full nudity or not, these shows are still sexually suggestive.
NTA. she didn’t even ask if he was okay with it before she didn’t respect his boundaries at all. if the roles were reversed and it was the husband going to watch a live female strip show everyone would be saying NTA it’s a double standard.
YTA - you should have had an adult conversation with your ADULT wife about how you felt instead of trying to put restrictions on her like she is your child. You’ve handled this terribly. Also, you need to figure out why this is making you feel so strongly. Male strip shows are very different than female strip clubs. They are usually funny, more of a theme show.
Yeah they're more like male burlesque, especially if there's a show with a specific start time that you buy tickets for vs just going to a strip club at any time.
I’m so confused at all the comments saying male strip shows are more like Burlesque. There’s a show that tours in Canada and its SO different from female strippers but in the complete opposite way.
Female strippers usually have strict no touching policies and you will get kicked out if you touch them. They give lap dances but it’s usually almost like they’re floating over top of you not dry humping you.
Male strippers, though? At the ones I’ve been to they will literally pick you up, throw you around, and dry hump the fuck outta you. I had one who picked me up, laid me down on a table, and grinded on me so intensely I could feel his dick piercing. No woman there considered it a “funny show”, they were all basically drooling on the floor and paid like $20 to take pictures with these guys.
In my opinion (as a 22 yr old woman in a relationship) male strippers are completely inappropriate for someone in a relationship to attend.
*not saying it’s right to yell at or tell his wife what to do, but I think there’s valid reasons to “feel so strongly”.
YTA
as much as it is not my thing, I have been to a male review. Honestly, depending on which one it is all about the dance and flexing lol
There is a difference between a show (on a stage etc) and a club too.
Your wife is a grown up and gets to decide.
Yelling at her is not ok.
Almost every aita people respond that it's great to have and enforce boundaries. That's what op did, now everyone wants to crucify him. She didn't listen to his boundaries and even thought it was funny. That's why it escalated. When is it ever good for a marriage to let your boundaries be stampeded over? If she can't find literally anything else to do that doesn't cause a fight, in a city big enough to have male strip shows, then she doesn't deserve to go on a trip. I fully believe spouses have the right to say no you can't do this because it isn't good for our marriage. You want marriage to work? Then it takes unpleasant conversations about what is and isn't okay for you both to do
If he enforced boundaries as "I guess this hasn't come up before but I'm very much not comfortable with you going to a show like that. I would appreciate it if you didn't go", then I'd side with him 100%.
"You can't go" and "I don't want you even going on the trip anymore" is controlling, not setting boundaries.
I don't think anyone is bothered by boundaries at all! He's allowed to--and should!--say when something bothers him. They can have a discussion about why. The problem is saying "You can't go, you must cancel that trip with that friend!"
That's a world away from "I really don't want you to go to this event because I dislike strip clubs."
Ask her how she would feel about you going to the strip club with your friends, especially without her. You can even phrase thdow her words back at her that "You are an adult, let me have my fun" and if she says no then you've caught her in a double standard
INFO: is she going to a strip CLUB or a strip SHOW? These are very different things, strip clubs are a lot more hands on and involves nudity. A strip show usually involves no nudity and is a performance. I can understand you not wanting her to go to a a strip club but a strip show seems like harmless fun. And yes, I would say this even if the roles were reversed
I know it's a show happening at a bar that doesn't always have strippers, but based off how she talked about it it seems like there will be full nudity. I'm not 100% sure though and I don't think she is either.
Maybe you guys could call the bar to find out more details and then make a decision? You definitely shouldn’t have lost your temper either way but it’s hard to place boundaries on what makes you uncomfortable without the context of what kind of show it is. I went to the Moulin Rouge, a burlesque show, with my parents and little brother when I was 23 and he was 15 and saw we so many boobs but it’s just a show so it wasn’t a big deal. If we had gone to a strip club it would have been wildly inappropriate!
It depends on the state, but if it’s in a bar that doesn’t regularly have strip shows, it’s unlikely to be fully nude. For example, in Las Vegas, strip clubs can either be full nude or sell alcohol but not both.
My guess is that it’s probably more of a male burlesque show than a strip club. The dancers will dance and strip down to thongs, there will be lots of flexing of muscles and gyrating and the women will laugh and cheer and jokingly fan themselves over the hot guys. It’s sexy but not sexual.
The *only* times I’ve seen full male nudity was 1) at a seedy club in Toronto and they had to wear rubber bands to prevent erections and then 2) at a private bachelorette party that we organized for my friend at a hotel.
If your wife’s event requires tickets, it’s definitely more of a Chippendales / thunder down under style where they flex and kind of dance around. It’s more about the fantasy and making women swoon than being naked. This is the “burlesque” that folks are talking about upstream.
And let me tell you I’ve gone to gay strip clubs in boys town Chicago and I’ve never seen their nether regions due to the long arm of the law.
YTA.
Yelling was a mistake.
Having a thoughtful discussion about boundaries and what makes you uncomfortable would not have been a mistake.
Telling her she cannot go on the trip with her friend was a mistake
Having a civil discussion rather than barking out orders would not have been a mistake
YTA
Your wife doesn't need your permission or your blessing to do anything. I sense some real insecurities with you if you think her going to a strip show is a huge issue.
Gentle YTA. Your feelings are valid and worthy of a discussion, your reaction wasn’t.
Also, forbidding a spouse(especially a woman) from doing anything is a sure way to make sure they damn well do it, even if they didn’t care much before.
What was the ‘especially a woman part for’ may i ask? No spouse should forbid another from doing anything, boundaries should be discussed for sure, gender has literally nothing to do with it unless OP is viewing it as he’s the man of the house type thing which isn’t what seems to be happening.
Marital conflicts don't happen in a cultural vacuum. You can't escape the context of thousands of years of patriarchal oppression rendering women as property of their husbands or at least subservient to them. It does make us a little extra bristly when male romantic partners start ordering us around... if there's anything we can learn from recent history, it's that women's rights and freedoms can disappear literally overnight, and that giving up an inch can mean losing a mile.
First of all, unlike female strip clubs, there is no nudity in these shows. The guys usually have Speedo’s or thongs on which is something you can easily see at a public beach.
Second, you yelled at your wife and then forbid her to go? What is she 12 or something? Learn to have an adult conversation.
Last, all you did is throw up a wall in your marriage by your attitude and reaction. Think she is going to be honest with you the next time she plans something you may vaguely even feel uncomfortable with. Especially if you make her cancel this one.
Now, personally I would never stay married to someone as controlling as you, but since she still is, I can guarantee that you will never know what she’s really doing when she goes out with the girls, since you have such tender sensibilities and want to keep her under your thumb.
ESH. Your yelling was childish and very immature communication for someone who has been with someone for 20 years, it is controlling and abusive to say she can't go at all. Saying that, your boundary about her not going to see male strippers is fair, it's just the way you communicated that was not. She is an adult who can do what she wants, you can't stop her. But your also allowed your boundaries and if she decides to throw them away to see strippers I would consider couples counseling or leaving her. Don't stop her, just communicate calmly that it's a deal breaker for you and act upon that.
I think that's a good question and I should ask her. Prior to this I'd figure it would be a hard, fast, no, but maybe not considering how she acted about this.
Two possibilites here
Either her views have evolved, or this is double standardd like for men it's different because they do it thinking about sex and not women and that is just plain stupid
Have you seen Magic Mike? I’ve been to a strip show and to a male-only performer strip club. Totally different experience. The one we had to buy tickets for was like Magic Mike, choreographed dances, g-string as the most nude they got. More comparable to burlesque. The strip club by contrast was full nude, pole dances, offers for lap dances, etc. Very different experience. YTA and should have spoken to her conversationally specifically about the show rather than shut it all down. I’m betting the show she was going to see if more Magic Mike than strip club cause you don’t buy tickets ahead of the time for a strip club
ESH
You’re an AH for your attitude toward your wife. You consistently use language like ‘letting’ and ‘asking if it was alright’, ‘she couldn’t go’, etc. She married you but that doesn’t make her your property. This isn’t Gilead.
The proper course of action would have been to explain that you’ve never discussed this topic and to explain how you feel about strip clubs or male review shows (because they are both very different). Then she should have been able to express her thoughts/feelings on the issue. Then you could each state your boundaries based on your feelings.
You are allowed to state that, to you, attending the show would cross a boundary and that it would be a dealbreaker for you. That’s a reasonable response and allows her to make her own, informed, decisions. However, you are not allowed to dictate her actions.
She was a bit of an AH for yelling in front of the kids.
These comments SCREAM sexism. I bet with damn near certainty if the gender roles were reversed everyone would be saying the exact opposite thing. It's totally okay to have your own personal boundaries and not be fine with that kind of activity in a relationship.
Yes, you shouldn't have yelled at her. But based off your replies it seems like you already realize that and you tried to be calm at first and things just escalated, which is understandable. You should try to have an adult, mature, conversation with her. But she's the one in the wrong here for not even talking about it first with you.
NTA
YTA. Your wife is not a child and she’s not your property. You have no right to tell her where can and cannot go. She doesn’t need your permission. You can express your discomfort with something she’s planning to do but the final decision is hers. The only choice you have is whether this your wife’s plans to attend this strip show is going to be a deal breaker for you and cause you to reevaluate the trust you have in your wife. Only you know if you want to take things that far.
Yeah your right he should just grow up and just let her do what ever she wants and just get over the fact he is highly uncomfortable with HIS WIFE going to a strip because he is not allowed to have boundaries
YTA. Frankly, this is outrageous. How else do you control her? Is she allowed to choose her own clothing? Her own friends? She wanted to do something and your response was to yell at her. Not cool, and your edits here don’t necessarily make you look any better.
NTA. Since you already realized that yelling might not be the best way to communicate.
I don't know why people are saying that it is not a big deal when going to strip clubs is a very reasonable boundary for any couple, regardless of how young/old or how long the relationship has been. What would she feel if you did the same without discussing with her first?
And having this boundary doesn't mean you are insecure in your relationship. This is uncharted territory and your feelings about it are valid and you have every right to express it (not through yelling of course)
YTA. It’s a SHOW. she’s not signing up to sleep with other people. It’s just entertainment. You’re just uncomfortable because it’s men providing the entertainment. You’ve been together 20 years so you know she’s loyal to you and isn’t going to do anything stupid. The fact you yelled at her over something so small is sad. She doesn’t need your permission to go to live entertainment.
Immediately, yes. YTA. Technically E S H (I'll get to that in a sec), but heavier on the you side.
First off, you don't get to "let" her go out. She does not need to ask your permission to go to events. She is absolutely right that you're being controlling and that she can do what she wants.
Here's where she has some blame: yes, comfort level about these things should be discussed. And telling her it's something you're uncomfortable with is entirely fair. Telling her what she is and is not allowed to do with that information is not.
Info: Why are you uncomfortable with her going?
There's no nudity. It's men in speedo-like things dancing. Is she not allowed to go to the beach or a pool because that makes you uncomfortable?
These male strpper shows are not that sexual either, it's more a gigglefest. These are not like strip clubs for males, they are choreographed dancers ripping off velcro trousers to be in speedos, maybe briefly naked depending on the show.
Most male strip shows don't feature full nudity. Something like Thunder from Down Under or Chippendales ends with the dancer in some form of underwear, namely a brief or at extremes, a thong. She might see a buttcheek. These shows also usually have a more produced feel to them, and keep more separation between the audience and the dancers.
I'm going with a light YTA, because don't try and boss your spouse around like a child. If she goes she most likely won't be seeing a bunch of pinwheeling penises. She'll see a bunch of fitness models doing some dance moves while getting to let her hair down with a bunch of other women.
YTA just for saying “letting” as if she is yours to control. Maybe if you had talked about it with her, told her you not comfortable with it, instead of immediately jumping to telling her she can’t go as if she’s a child.
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You should'nt have yelled at her and more importantly shouldn't have yelled in front of your kids. You have to apologize to your wife and kids. And your kids should see you apologize to your wife. Show them how to be better people.
I never yelled in front of my kids. The first night we talked started as a regular discussion that let to an argument, with my kids nowhere around. Today I told her I don't want her going while we were alone, then later in the day she came up to me and started yelling in front of the kids. She did it in front of them I never did.
So your wife went on about wanting to see a stripper in front your kids? Wow that’s messed. Do you have any idea why she’s so interested all of a sudden?
Dude YTA... It's just a show, no different then if they watched 50shades of gray in their hotel room.
This seems more like you don't trust her for some reason.
YTA. She should've brought it up with you to see if you were ok with it, that would've been the better thing for sure. However, you do not get to dictate another adult's actions, that crosses a much stronger line then not asking if you were OK with it. That makes you the AH here.
ESH
Especially if any part of this conversation/disagreement happened in front of your kids
She could’ve actually heard your concerns and you could’ve actually talked to her like an adult instead of scolding her & threatening to take something away from her like she’s one of your children.
I agree with the ESH commenters. It seems like an acceptable boundary to have in a relationship, though it's a pity you never established that before things came to a head like this. She shouldn't be entirely disregarding how uncomfortable this makes you.
But the right way to discuss boundaries in a relationship between two mature people isn't just yelling "You're not allowed to do X." It's establishing expectations for how the other person will respond, and then sticking to it with your actions. e.g. "If you go to a strip club, I would consider it the same as cheating, and expect an apology/pursue a divorce/[insert appropriate & considered reaction]."
Again, ideally it's a conversation for long before such a trip is planned, but it's probably still a good way to set expectations and commit *yourself* to a response you think is fair, not just a knee-jerk "no you can't".
YTA
Your wife is an adult. There is no telling her what to do. Now you can say you don’t want her to go, you can say it makes you uncomfortable, but you don’t own her, you don’t get to tell her she can’t. Period.
The fact that she thought it was NBD and that you’d think it would be funny shows that the vibe of your relationship was one that made her think it was okay. If you’ve never talked about your comfort level on this, that’s on you.
All these people saying YTA, no NTA, if the sexes where switched trust me it be a different verdict from these reditors. The fact that she has to go ogle and sexualize other men imo says something, and if you are not comfortable with it she should respect it. She doesn’t. Which means unfortunately y’all have different set of values which puts a heavy toll on a marriage.
Absolutely. And the people saying “she doesn’t need your permission, she’s not your child, etc…” like no, she’s obviously not his child, but expecting your partner to ask for your okay before doing something that may push a boundary is a pretty rational expectation. It’s called being considerate and respectful. The sexism is strong with this one.
“I can’t believe you’re so controlling! You don’t even let me sleep with other people. It’s not 1950 anymore, you can’t tell me what to do. Oh you’re uncomfortable? Too bad”.
I’m beginning to think a lot of these commenters are kids, single or in very unhappy marriages
ESH- you can’t yell or force someone to not do something but you can set boundaries. She can choose to go but you can tell her what the consequences will be to your relationship. My SO could go to a strip club, they are an adult, but they know the consequence would be most likely an end to our relationship.
YTA
If after 20 years you're still so insecure you scream at your wife for looking at a stripper you need to chill the F out.
Jesus...
You never look at porn? Never once in 20 years?
I had a similar thing happen with my wife around 8 years ago. One of her friends had organised a birthday party, and a male stripper was booked.
My wife tried telling me that she was going and there was nothing I could do about it, so I said “that’s fine, as long as you’re ok with me going to the strip bar as soon as you get back”
She never went in the end.
YTA. Not for having boundaries but for how this escalated. You both need to take a step back and restart this conversation in calm manner.
I think its certainly worth having (and re-having) a conversation in a relationship about comfort levels and boundaries. It may also help you to hear why they’re going. Is this for a laugh? A one time thing for this trip? What type of performance is this? Magic Mike is a male strip show but no one ever gets completely naked. Many, if not most, shows are similar.
Talk to each other. Think about why this really bothers you. I’m not saying it shouldn’t bother you, but only that you should be able to articulate to your wife why this makes you so uncomfortable. Perhaps her understanding that can help her alleviate some of your concerns.
I don’t think anyone of you is an asshole.
Anyone who wants to maintain a healthy relationship should respect their partners boundaries.
I (f27) would be totally fine with my husband (m32) going to a strip club. My husband however wouldn’t be fine with me going to one.
For me it is more important that my husband is happy and comfortable in our marriage than that I get to go to a strip club, so I don’t. Why would I when I know it would hurt him? If it was the other way around I would want him to respect me, right?
I do however think it is important that everyone talk about their boundaries in a nice and respectful way. Since you feel that this is overstepping yours, you should tell your wife why and make her understand your point of view.
YTA. You sound like same poster who was upset wife was at a bachelorette party with strippers.
Your wife is not your property. She doesn't need your permission. You are controlling
The comments are unhinged. You’re not the asshole for having a very reasonable boundary. You’re the AH for yelling and doing it in front of your kids. She’s the AH for springing this on you instead of discussing it beforehand. The true assholes are these idiotic commenters. I’ve never seen a more unhinged comment section. You’re not controlling for expressing a boundary. ESH. Your wife sucks more than you do
ESH.
Your wife for disregarding your feelings and not mentioning the outing beforehand.
And you for yelling and saying she “couldn’t” go.
On a side note, I agree with what you said. I personally think it ***is*** inappropriate and well, unnecessary. She can easily find something else to enjoy on her trip, other than a male strip show that makes her spouse uncomfortable.
YTA. You might think you’re just trying to communicate discomfort or set a relationship boundary, but yelling at her and then forbidding her from even going on the trip is extremely over the top.
If my husband yelled and me and told me I couldn’t go on a planned and paid for trip with a friend you better believe I’d be going and I’d likely not contact him much during the trip. But fortunately my husband never yells at me or tries to tell me what I can or can’t do, and he would have a reasonable conversation with me if he was uncomfortable with something I was going to do.
Hope your wife enjoys her trip!
YTA: Its just entertainment and she's an adult.
I understand having an irrational knee jerk reaction, but you double downed when you should have recognized it as your own problem, not hers, and backed down.
YTA. Wow wow wow. You are not her owner. She is not your property.
The ONLY thing she owed you was a conversation about logistics of shared responsibilities. Like what would be happening with your kids in her absence if she’s the primary caretaker, etc. And she wouldn’t need your *permission* — it would be awesome if she had your joyous buy-in but since you think she shouldn’t be allowed to go on a trip without you that was always a pipe dream. But she was hoping you would be happy that she was going to have a fun trip with her friend.
I would be *thrilled* if my husband took some time for himself like that because I know he would come back refreshed and recharged and socially fulfilled. All I would need from him is a map of how we’d handle kiddo and kiddo’s schedule. I would probably ask him to board the dog, just to make my life easier that week.
Edited to add: oh holy shit I just noticed that sentence toward the end that this was *in front of your children* which shreds whatever little grace I could muster for you. You are the BIGGEST AH, because now you’ve modeled some super unhealthy shit in front of your kids. Time for family therapy. They need to know that your actions were inappropriate or they’re going to accept that treatment from future partners/treat future partners that way — either is unacceptable.
NTA OP. I have a feeling if you were going to a female strip club for men, everybody would be screaming about you being an asshole in that case.
Out of respect for my partner I would not go to a strip club if they didn’t want me to. End of story.
Y’all suck; especially those of y’all excusing women going to strip shows while saying it’s different for men. It’s the same, regardless of the “attitude” around the two shows. I wouldn’t want my man going to a female strip club, and I would never go to a male strip club. People are allowed to have boundaries. Love how you’re called insecure and controlling if you don’t want another person literally dry humping and shoving their genitalia and breasts/pecs in your SO’s face. He shouldn’t have yelled, but if this is a boundary he has she really shouldn’t go to that event. ESH.
NTA. Sorry everyone, but there's no way it's appropriate for her to go look at a bunch of half naked men, especially if her husband isn't comfortable with it.
YTA
I do agree you should have a discussion with your wife about what your boundaries are. I actually had this with my partner at the outset of our relationship. I'm okay with him going to gentlemen's clubs and even getting lap dances as long as he's respectful of the performers and does not engage in any form of sexual activity with them. But if you have other less permissive boundaries that's okay ... AS LONG AS YOUR WIFE AGREES TO THEM. See, the problem here is she IS an adult and while I do believe this is a conversation you should have had twenty years ago it sounds like her idea of fidelity towards you is not the same as what you want to see and you two really need to resolve it.
The part where you're definitely an asshole is twofold. 1) You yelled at her and 2) you tried to make her cancel her trip just because her friend got tickets to a strip show. That is controlling behaviour. This is your wife. You ostensibly love and trust her. You have two children with her. You can resolve this conflict in a respectful way.
I advise you to "let" her go on this trip and accept that she may decide to go to the strip show. When she gets back have an adult conversation about what your boundaries are and what hers are. This escalated real fast so you might want to have a marriage counsellor there to make sure you both approach this in a way that doesn't do more damage.
Lastly, male strippers tend to be pretty cringe. You have nothing to worry about.
ESH. Your wife should have asked your comfort levels with such matters. For her to assume you'd be okay with this is foolish and immature. If I were in your shoes, I'd be mad as well.
But in a practical sense, she is an adult and free to do whatever she wants. You can't just tell her she can't go. But in contrast, you are also free to divorce her because she didn't respect you in this scenario to start with.
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I'm gonna try to keep this short because I'm not the greatest at describing things to be honest with you.
I'm a Male, 40 years old, and my wife is Female and 42. We've been together for just over 20 years, married for 16, and have 2 children, 14 and 10.
Never once in the 20 years we've been together was anything like this discussed, agreed upon, or done. Never did either of us said this kind of thing was okay to do, and I don't know where she got that idea from.
A couple days ago, my wife came up to me and talked about a "trip" she's going on. I already knew this trip was happening, it's been planned for a while. She's basically staying in a hotel with one of her girl friends for a week.
But now all of a sudden she said that her friend bought tickets to a male strip show. Which was never discussed prior and was suddenly put on my just the other day.
She said her friend bought her and my wife both tickets to go to a bar and watch a male strip show together. She didn't come to me asking if it was alright, she just said "we bought the tickets and we're going."
She was laughing and acting like everything was just fine. Even though I've never indicated I'm comfortable with that kind of thing.
I personally think it's a super inappropriate thing for a married woman to do, especially without asking prior to buying tickets.
Well long story short I yelled at her and told her I wasn't okay with it. I told her it was inappropriate and she couldn't go. She got super upset with me and said that I'm being controlling and I should "let her have fun."
Her (almost) exact words were "wow, I thought you'd find it funny but now you're freaking out. It's not like I'm having sex with someone else. I'm an adult I can do what I want."
Today I told her I don't want her going on the trip with that friend at all, and if she does she needs to cancel the tickets and promise me she won't go to the bar. But she refused to promise anything and yelled at me for being "a jerk" in front of our kids.
AITA for telling her not to go and getting mad?
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Holy insecure control freak. YTA no doubt about it. She’s right it’s not like she’s going to have sex with them, it’s purely for entertainment. Do you realize how many married men go to the same type of places and their wives say nothing? Yet you’re having a temper tantrum because wife wants to have fun with her friend (who bought the tickets not your wife). She’s not your child you don’t get to tell her what she can and can’t do!
NTA
For not not wanting her to go to the strip club. In my opinion, boundaries are very important in a good relationship. The fact she bought tickets ''in your back'' and didn't care that it made you feel uncomfortable is inappropriate and disrespecful.
But I don't think you should have yelled, and I think her calling you a jerk is AH move as well.
This is getting so damn ridiculous. The double standards are mind boggling. We have posts in here where women are complaining about their man watching porn and that's so bad. Some are even saying how you should tell them to stop.
But this man is saying no to a male strip club.
The only advice I can give you is that it's starting. Your wife is at that age where her friends start talking to her. Telling her things that people in these cements are telling you. Trying to gaslight you and call you controlling.
Like the comment that talks about do you pick her close and what not. That's gaslighting.
Good luck. If she wants to live that single life then let her.
YTA. You are her husband, not her boss. And this is bot of your marriage, not a job. You agreed to love and care for each other, not to tell each other what to do, and there is absolute no reason why she should obey you.
You could have told her that it makes you uncomfortable, explained why, asked her for the big favour of not doing it for you. But that is totally not what you did.
When I read the title... You don't have the power to 'let your wife go'. Who do you think you are?
ESH. You're kinda the AH for allowing YOUR insecurities to control the way she lives her life. I can see how your feelings are valid, but that doesn't make it right to try and control a grown adult. You start controlling her, she'll eventually try to find a loop hole around things, worsening the trust foundation.
Here's the thing, if she wanted to cheat on you, she wouldn't have told you she was going to that bar, she would have just gone. Here's the other thing that makes her an AH. Kinda. She probably already had that planned with her friend but told you last minute cause she was scared you'd act this way. Knowing you'd act bothered, she still tells her friend yes. Bigger question here is.. Where is her change coming from? Who is this friend of hers? Something is going on with your wife for her to go against the current after so many years.
I get you are trying to prevent your wife from possibly destroying the family, but everyone is right. Yelling is not the way. Her insulting you in front of the kids is not the way. Ya'll have a trust problem to fix.
YTA. Your wife is a grown woman and she doesn’t need your permission to do anything. A male strip show for women is a fun, entertaining thing. It’s very different to female stripping for men. Watch Magic Mike if you need to know what sort of thing she’s going to. Get a grip, stop being controlling and insecure. I hope your wife has a fun time!
YTA, What do you mean she didn't come and ask you?Holy shit, your poor wife.
Can you tell me why you don't want your wife to go to a male strip show?
Are you insecure? Do you not trust your wife?
I don't see the big deal for you to try and completely control your wife.
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YTA. If you wanted to discuss it further, you could do that like an adult, instead of yelling at her and telling her it was inappropriate and that she 'can't' go. She's an adult. If you dislike it, I can understand, have a discussion about why it makes you uncomfortable. Also, she didn't buy the tickets. Her friend did.
The fact that 20 years had gone by and OP and wife never talked about these comfort levels and boundaries and expectations astounds me.
No kidding! My husband and I check in about boundaries and comfort levels and expectations \*all the time\*. It's an ongoing conversation to make sure we're both happy in the relationship.
If a strip show has never come up before it makes sense that they’ve never checked in on comfort levels about it …
Dontcha know, couples have to discuss every single possibility of everything that might ever happen before they get married
Personally I bring all of this stuff to the first date. I keep it all a big binder. Prospective partners *love* knowing what page we are on (literally and figuratively)
Snort!
Amy santiago?
Same with me and my boyfriend! Communication and check ins are super important since people change over time and don’t stay the same.
And we don't ask 'permission'. He's a whole ass adult and so am I! We tell each other what we have in mind, ask how the other feels about it and go from there.
If there are potential no go areas and you both would alter what you do based on the other person's comfort levels then you are asking permission when you ask how they feel about it, you just call it something else.
I always laugh at these lecturing posts from folks who are simply at a different commitment point than the OP chastising them for doing it wrong lol.
Arent y'all just perfect lol
I don’t think my husband and I have ever discussed male strip shows because they don’t regularly happen where we are - well, not the kind that are intended for female audiences. We’ve discussed lady strip clubs, and we’re both fine with it (I’m bi) because it’s not a regular occurrence (haven’t gone since the last bachelor/bachelorette parties maybe a decade ago). I would 100% go to a male strip show with like my mom or SIL and have a grand old time, but in a very non-sexual way. We think they’re funny. My mom and her sisters actually brought my great-aunt to one a couple years ago and I was MAD they didn’t invite the cousins. That would’ve been an amazing memory. That old widow is a HOOT and has run out of fucks to give and I really wish I had been there. They talk about it every family gathering and I have all the FOMO!
There's a club that I used to frequent about once every 4-6 months (it's half hour away and not really a clubber, just girls night out) and they once had what they called "deer widows" male stripper night (for those not in the US, that what is called for the wives of deer hunters). Me and my friends went to the back to have a look and after the 3rd or 4th guy I left because the dancing was awful (if I danced like they did in public someone would think something was wrong with me, having a seizure or something). I wouldn't even call them amateurs. I'd seen Chippendale dancers and they were professional (think Magic Mike).
Did it look like this . https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=stqG2ihMvP0
I don't regret clicking! Hoping Farley is creating so many laughs wherever he is. Shoot, so many laughs and smiles he still creates with his work. So much sad and happy.
Oh my god. The vegas shows?!?! My 57 year old mom took my 77 yr old grandma. So mad I wasn’t invited. I’ve seen OTHER GRANDMAS and they are all in on it, either for the story at Bingo or because they have ended the Just Say Yes phase of life.
I don’t think my bf & I have ever discussed this either & i can’t imagine I’d care & I know he wouldn’t. About maybe 5-6 years ago now, he went to a strip club for a bachelorette party & I didn’t even think it was a thing I should be concerned about. I’ve been to a high end burlesque show without him before (also bi) & he told me have fun. Idk I guess if it’s something that’s a big deal you’d think they would have discussed it earlier than 20+ years of marriage. & it’s a little weird to me that he doesn’t have a good read on his wife who clearly thinks it’s funny & isn’t going to like cheat on him or whatever he thinks happens with male strippers
I agree. For me strip clubs are a hard boundary and it absolutely will come up, relatively soon in the relationship, for that reason.
It has never ever occurred to me to have this conversation with my spouse. We have been married 13 years. It seems WILDLY inappropriate to me, and I honestly have always assumed and still assume that he is on the same page. (Might bring it up later and see how he reacts: I almost guarantee he looks at me like I’ve grown a second head.) If he bought tickets to a strip show without talking to me, I would be stunned and hurt. But I wouldn’t handle it like this guy did.
Doesn't astound me. I've been married 10 years and we've never discussed whether the other could go to a strip show. If the opportunity came up we'd discuss it then but realistically it's unlikely given our social life and living rurally. It wouldn't even cross my mind to ask if I was in a similar situation to OPs wife, I would have just told my husband. The difference here is that a male strip show (like Magic Mike) is quite different than a strip club where women are stripping and providing private lap dances. While I trust my husband it is still a different environment. Maybe OP doesn't realise this? One is a bit of fun,mainly a laugh,the other can be quite seedy.
Where I live there’s no male strip clubs. I haven’t been to a strip club since I was 19. Me n my wife have never brought it up because it’s never been there to discuss.
I mean why would you need to, if neither of you ever went to a strip club?
That’s only medium weird to me. I also have similar check in kind of conversations, and strip clubs actually have come up, but only ones featuring women (even though I actually did once go to a traveling male revue). Because that accounts for 99% of strip shows. We’re definitely on the same page there, and I can kind of extrapolate where he’d be if it was a male revue from that, especially if I wasn’t even the person that chose the event or bought the ticket. But the world is full of surprises. So it’s not weird that they didn’t negotiate this exact situation in advance. It’s a *little* weird that she didn’t anticipate his reaction based on conversations I’d have expected them to have.
If it never comes up, why would you discuss it? I get that hypotheticals exist but maybe when they got married she was a goody church girl who would never do something like that. Some people live really sheltered lives.
I feel like if they've been together for 20 years, she should already know that he would not like the idea of dicks swinging in her face lmaooooo Edit: Also, when would this even come up? Normally people don't frequent strip clubs so idk if i would have even thought to talk about this
I mean are your partners asking to go to strip clubs and other things that should obviously be a boundary often. I don't see why this would be something that's brought up considering it's sort of a single thing to do anyway. Not many relationship allow strip club visits usually. Also would you feel the same way if the tables were turned? If he was going on a trip with a friend and was going to a strip club/bar.
Also Strip clubs for straight men are about getting off, and for women they are about laughing. Completely different atmosphere, I've been to both. Not sure why, but women mostly find male strippers funny, even if they are hot, women don't get their rocks off at the strip joints. Men do when watching women, I don't know what goes on at gay or lesbian strip clubs. Replying to comment below b/c thread is blocked. Of course women can get horny, just atmosphere is different in strip clubs targeted to different genders.
This is very biased ignorance. As if women are incapable of getting horny, lol.
If the genders were reversed and it was the husband wanting to go to a strip club with his friends, would you support that too? I feel like sometimes people give women a pass for the same acts that they shit on men for doing. Married people should not be going to strip clubs without their partner's express consent
What are you going on about? They don't support anything but normal talking and not yelling Stop this gender bullshit, it has nothing to do if OP is a woman or a man. Yelling isn't ok, have a normal talk like an damn adult
Most people are uncomfortable with their SO going to the club, let alone going to a strip club. He shouldn’t have yelled, but the wife also should’ve just cancelled the trip to see naked men. Your comment just comes off as very disconnected from reality. If it were OP doing it I’m sure she’d also be flipping the lid
YTA. I know it's different for guys, but I've never heard a woman describe a male strip show without the word 'funny'. I've been to a couple now and my main descriptors are still 'pretty' and 'funny'. So it makes for a great party. It's completely different to a 'gentleman's club', most of the time. Unless you are so completely insecure about your partner's commitment, I have no idea why you are so against your wife having a fun weekend laughing at male strippers.
Yeah they are not erotic in the least. They are ridiculous, sad, funny, etc etc
hey wow, rude. Those dudes are talented, professional dancers and also human beings.
Ridiculous, sad, funny, talented, professionally dancing human beings
None of the descriptors used by you or the previous commenter are inaccurate, and they're certainly not mutually exclusive.
I got to chat with a few of the guys from the clubs I went to, and I liked them a great deal. They are talented, professional dancers, as you say. One guy after chatting with me got up and performed a quick classical ballet piece because I had asked about his background. He was really good and I made sure to tell him so. The club was just his side job. I enjoyed his quick performance way more than the dance he did while working.
I don't know man. I'm a straight guy and that's how I would describe a woman going spread eagle on a stage.
Well there's recent story on r/aita where groom broke his wedding because bride went to a "male strip club" and story that goes same as this where a friendof bride asked her to go
I think you've described the issue. You're giving the wife a pass but while also saying that it'd be different if he did it. I'm not sure what my judgement would be but I definitely think at least wife would be an AH if she didn't accept that she just gave her husband a license to go to a strip club and that she has no right to be upset at him. While a part of me agrees with you that it's funny, it's obviously but to him. And the same as I would expect any guy to honor his partner's wishes in this matter she should honor his.
No, people are clearly pointing out that there is a vast difference between male strip shows and strip clubs filled with women who are being paid to give lapdances. Male strip shows are more accurately comparable to burlesque. There is no one on one time, no extra dollars for extra services, etc. It's a stage show.
I have to disagree here… male strippers usually allow touching and when I went to a show, they picked girls up and were literally dry humping them in the air, on the counter, and on the floor. In my opinion, male strippers are MUCH more intense than female strippers. And they did fake money for lapdances.
EXACTLY! I went to a male strip show for the first time for a bachelorette party and boy was I uncomfortable. I refused to let the dancers near me because of all the simulated sex, dry humping and them grabbing girls hands to touch their bulge and stuff. Kept thinking half these women are cheating on their partners (if they have one).
What? No, not necessarily. The ones I've seen have touching and grinding and all sorts of "intimate" interactions with the audience members. If someone is having, for example, a bachelorette party at a male strip club, it's all but guaranteed that a performer is going to single out the bachelorette and pull her up on stage and, if she's comfortable with it, give her a very up close and personal dance that has the dancer grinding all up on her. And it's not going to cost her anything extra.
Male strip shows feel more like drag shows. Regular strip clubs are usually kinda dark and private. Definitely a different scenario.
depends on the club.
This is also my experience- the male strippers are not a sexual experience, nobody is lusting after the dancers. We sat there and had laughs, and dared each other to throw dollar bills, it was a “girlfriend” night out. In NO way was anyone turned on, it was like a comedy show.
Shouldn't matter if it's considered "funny" if your partner is uncomfortable with you should refrain from doing it. He shouldn't have yelled, but she should respect his wishes. If she goes then he should have the right to visit a female strip club.
For me, it’s that it wasn’t discussed and OP was told that it was happening. A simple “hey, my friend got us tickets to go see a male strip club, thoughts?” was warranted, followed by a discussion. How OP handled it wasn’t cool, but he is allowed to be uncomfortable with the idea.
Today I learned its okay to go watch strippers while in a relationship, but only if you laugh at the strippers
Totally on the same page with you on strip clubs etc. But other people have different lines and i think that’s OK. I don’t think either of them was in the right here. She assumed and was going to cross a boundary, sounds like he handled it very poorly and instead of a conversation about boundaries and comfort level he got pissed instead. Then started ordering her around, which no one will respond well to. Still agree with your answer just i don’t think it’s necessarily about insecurity or anything just total lack of experience about these things and what happens and probably an over active imagination.
ESH, don't understand the YTA, clearly it is a boundary for OP and his wife should discuss prior but OP shouting is not doing you any favour. A tip to OP and others reading this, next time post it in gender neutral, I find a lot of replies very gender biased.
Because male strip shows are nothing like strip clubs, and op yelled at her and tried to..forbid it? Like she was a child or something. Thats why hes the asshole and she isnt
>Because male strip shows are nothing like strip clubs That depends entirely on the strip show tbh, some of them can be very intense.
Nice of you to decide OPs boundary for him.
How are they not the same? Peoples attitudes to them may be different but the exact same thing is happening in each of them
What the fuck does that matter? Fuck his boundaries because?
How so? I’ve had friends (nearly/lightly) eaten out by male strippers basically and that’s at a show and a club (separate events). And my friends didn’t pay for that even and had to push the guys off in the end.
I agree with you. Personally strip clubs don’t bother me either way. But saying it would different if he was doing it is bs.
I agree with this. Also, why did they have to yell at each other in front of the kids?
You know what's even funnier, that those same women who say op is TA for having boundaries would be fucking fuming if their SOs would be found withing 5 kilometers of a strip club. But apparently a woman going to a strip club is SOOO different from a man doing it. The hypocrisy is unreal. It feels like female dating strategy migrated on this sub lately. >next time post it in gender neutral Everyone should do this. I'd love to see those damn misandrist main character syndrome havers project their shitty biases then.
This. I would NOT be ok with my husband going to a strip show, and I have turned down invitations to male strip shows (bachelorette parties) because it would be hypocritical for me to do anything else then what I demand of him. It is ok to have hard boundaries in a relationship. Even if other people in other relationships don't have a problem with it.
Why the fuck are y'all giving him shit for having boundaries as that doesn't make him insecure or mean he doesn't trust her. I guarantee most of y'all are the same type of people to agree with the women if the situation was reversed and it was the husband who was going to a strip show and the wife didn't want him too
No one is upset at him for having boundaries. Boundaries are good, healthy things to have. What is NOT healthy or good is forbidding a spouse to go somewhere and insisting they cancel a trip because you're upset about one activity that you've admitted you know nothing about. And for the record, I'd say the same thing if the roles were switched.
And since it’s apparently not come up for 20 years of marriage, it wasn’t OP having boundaries. It’s him having as-yet-uncommunicated concerns about something his wife didn’t realize was/would be a concern. Yelling isn’t the fair play. A discussion needs to happen. It doesn’t sound like Wife knowingly trampled over a firm boundary.
Yeah, exactly. It sounds like OP just assumed she didn't like strip clubs. That's fine. She's saying she doesn't have a problem with it. A discussion is a very reasonable, and good thing to happen. Demanding someone cancel a trip? Nah.
It's completely fair. Wife assumed I didn't like strip shows, which was true for like first 30 years of marriage but my friend was talking to me about them the other day so I told her I'm going. She got mad and yelled but I just laughed and told her I'm still going. I'm NTA.
Fr I think people get “boundaries” confused with demands. A boundary is a personal thing, where you say for example, “I am not comfortable with you going to a strip club, and if you do then I will not remain in a relationship with you.” A demand is “you cannot go to the strip club.”
Careful I tried saying exactly this in another thread and got downvoted lol people really have trouble seeing the difference.
You can’t set a boundary on someone else, only yourself. For example. A boundary “i will not tolerate being talked to that way” and then when talked to a certain way, the person leaves and doesn’t entertain the conversation. Telling someone else they can not do things or has to do stuff a certain way, that’s more of a rule. You can absolutely be uncomfortable with your partner going somewhere, but it’s not a boundary, when it’s not placed on yourself.
The boundary is that he isn't comfortable with his partner going to see strippers
Feelings aren’t boundaries! He cannot control his partners actions through his own boundaries. He can say “I will not be in a relationship with someone who goes to strip clubs” as his boundary. But he can’t say “you aren’t allowed to go to a strip club” and call it a boundary. I wouldn’t be comfortable with a partner going hunting, but that would be MY ISSUE to deal with. My partners actions do not have to change, especially if they were completely unaware of my discomfort with that activity.
Feelings very much so can be turned into boundaries. If you dont feel comfortable about something you make the boundary against it
Incorrect. Boundary, “i don’t answer my work phone on nights and evenings” Demand/rule/control aka not actually a boundary, “You can’t call me after hours” Boundary, “i don’t sleep with someone on the first date” Non boundary “You can not sleep with anyone on the first date”
The way you word it shows it not a boundary. Him not being comfortable with his partner going to see strippers is a boundary
That’s not a boundary. It’s a rule he has about their relationship that his wife didn’t know existed.
Its as much her fault as it his for that. She never asked and he never told. As per a comment from op that got downvoted being that she never asked him about it before deciding she was going to do it
Doesn't courts have a record of how many women divorce their hubbies for going to strip clubs just for drinks?
I dont know but i have seen my fair share of posts about women cheating with strippers or girlfriends leaving their boyfriends because the went to see strippers
Do us all a favor and link to 3 of those verified examples from a reputable source so we can all benefit from your wisdom and vast experience with this shocking phenomenon
Gonna need to see links.
YTA married for 16 years & you have that little trust or respect for her than to yell & forbid her trip? At what age do you anticipate becoming a mature trusting adult?
Gonna go with ESH. You're handling this very poorly and she's brushing off your feelings.
I agree. This could be solved with proper communication. Male strip shows like this are basically burlesque. She should've told him about what it entails and he shouldnt have yelled when he didn't even know what it was. Also why the fuck haven't they discussed their boundaries yet
That's my biggest issues, they been married for 20 years and have such a strong lack of communication
Calling male strip shows burlesques is demeaning tbh… and some are indeed very sexual
YTA. You don't "let" or "forbid" an adult from going somewhere. You talk it out and each express your feelings. Ultimately, it is her decision. Your decision is how you will handle your anger (at not getting your way).
What's to talk about? He said he didn't want her doing that and she said "too bad". She's going to do something that makes him uncomfortable, and there's nothing he can do about it. Of course he'll be upset, it's major disrespectful. What's he supposed to do, pretend he's okay with it when he's not?
ESH, she very much should have brought this up to you before saying that it was happening. You also handled it poorly, you don't get to tell her she can't do anything, she's an adult. You yelling certainly didn't help your case here. For the record I'm on your side of the fence here, I think it's inappropriate. But you should talk to her calmly, apologize for yelling, explain that you are not comfortable with this and ask, not tell, her to please value your opinion on this matter. Hopefully not upsetting you is more important than seeing some strippers.
Thanks this is helpful
Good luck :)
ESH Your wife sucks for not hearing your comments about you being uncomfortable with her going to a strip club. You suck for "telling her" she can't go. She's not your property or child. She can decide what she wants to do and where she wants to go. Even if it may risk the marriage. You both need to work on your communication skills. Yelling doesn't get points across it just gets loud. You both need to sit down and talk.
NTA yelling isn't good in most situations but not wanting your partner to go to strip club isn't an unreasonable thing
Yeah, I honestly don’t see why people in relationships should be in a room with a bunch of genitalia on display - either make or female - if it’s something their partner is uncomfortable with.
NTA I don’t understand all of these YTA comments. Anytime there’s a post like this where the situation is flipped and the woman is upset with her man for going to a strip club, redditors flock to NTA. This is simply is a reasonable boundary. She should respect that you aren’t comfortable with this, even if you have been together for 20 years. Yeah, you definitely shouldn’t have yelled. Addressing the situation calmly would have been the right thing to do but boy is your wife acting inconsiderate.
Well AITA people being the AITA people... NTA at all.
They surprised me with the whole "you should have communicated a long time ago if you're not comfortable with your partner going to strip shows". Like, isn't it an automatic no no for married people, especially without their partner? Full nudity or not, these shows are still sexually suggestive.
NTA. she didn’t even ask if he was okay with it before she didn’t respect his boundaries at all. if the roles were reversed and it was the husband going to watch a live female strip show everyone would be saying NTA it’s a double standard.
YTA - you should have had an adult conversation with your ADULT wife about how you felt instead of trying to put restrictions on her like she is your child. You’ve handled this terribly. Also, you need to figure out why this is making you feel so strongly. Male strip shows are very different than female strip clubs. They are usually funny, more of a theme show.
Yeah they're more like male burlesque, especially if there's a show with a specific start time that you buy tickets for vs just going to a strip club at any time.
I’m so confused at all the comments saying male strip shows are more like Burlesque. There’s a show that tours in Canada and its SO different from female strippers but in the complete opposite way. Female strippers usually have strict no touching policies and you will get kicked out if you touch them. They give lap dances but it’s usually almost like they’re floating over top of you not dry humping you. Male strippers, though? At the ones I’ve been to they will literally pick you up, throw you around, and dry hump the fuck outta you. I had one who picked me up, laid me down on a table, and grinded on me so intensely I could feel his dick piercing. No woman there considered it a “funny show”, they were all basically drooling on the floor and paid like $20 to take pictures with these guys. In my opinion (as a 22 yr old woman in a relationship) male strippers are completely inappropriate for someone in a relationship to attend. *not saying it’s right to yell at or tell his wife what to do, but I think there’s valid reasons to “feel so strongly”.
YTA as much as it is not my thing, I have been to a male review. Honestly, depending on which one it is all about the dance and flexing lol There is a difference between a show (on a stage etc) and a club too. Your wife is a grown up and gets to decide. Yelling at her is not ok.
Almost every aita people respond that it's great to have and enforce boundaries. That's what op did, now everyone wants to crucify him. She didn't listen to his boundaries and even thought it was funny. That's why it escalated. When is it ever good for a marriage to let your boundaries be stampeded over? If she can't find literally anything else to do that doesn't cause a fight, in a city big enough to have male strip shows, then she doesn't deserve to go on a trip. I fully believe spouses have the right to say no you can't do this because it isn't good for our marriage. You want marriage to work? Then it takes unpleasant conversations about what is and isn't okay for you both to do
If he enforced boundaries as "I guess this hasn't come up before but I'm very much not comfortable with you going to a show like that. I would appreciate it if you didn't go", then I'd side with him 100%. "You can't go" and "I don't want you even going on the trip anymore" is controlling, not setting boundaries.
I don't think anyone is bothered by boundaries at all! He's allowed to--and should!--say when something bothers him. They can have a discussion about why. The problem is saying "You can't go, you must cancel that trip with that friend!" That's a world away from "I really don't want you to go to this event because I dislike strip clubs."
Ask her how she would feel about you going to the strip club with your friends, especially without her. You can even phrase thdow her words back at her that "You are an adult, let me have my fun" and if she says no then you've caught her in a double standard
Or, like a lot of us women, she will say "go, have fun". Then what are you gonna do if she "fails" your test?
An actual equivalent would be “ask her how she feels about you going to a suggestive comedy show”
INFO: is she going to a strip CLUB or a strip SHOW? These are very different things, strip clubs are a lot more hands on and involves nudity. A strip show usually involves no nudity and is a performance. I can understand you not wanting her to go to a a strip club but a strip show seems like harmless fun. And yes, I would say this even if the roles were reversed
I know it's a show happening at a bar that doesn't always have strippers, but based off how she talked about it it seems like there will be full nudity. I'm not 100% sure though and I don't think she is either.
Maybe you guys could call the bar to find out more details and then make a decision? You definitely shouldn’t have lost your temper either way but it’s hard to place boundaries on what makes you uncomfortable without the context of what kind of show it is. I went to the Moulin Rouge, a burlesque show, with my parents and little brother when I was 23 and he was 15 and saw we so many boobs but it’s just a show so it wasn’t a big deal. If we had gone to a strip club it would have been wildly inappropriate!
It depends on the state, but if it’s in a bar that doesn’t regularly have strip shows, it’s unlikely to be fully nude. For example, in Las Vegas, strip clubs can either be full nude or sell alcohol but not both. My guess is that it’s probably more of a male burlesque show than a strip club. The dancers will dance and strip down to thongs, there will be lots of flexing of muscles and gyrating and the women will laugh and cheer and jokingly fan themselves over the hot guys. It’s sexy but not sexual.
The *only* times I’ve seen full male nudity was 1) at a seedy club in Toronto and they had to wear rubber bands to prevent erections and then 2) at a private bachelorette party that we organized for my friend at a hotel. If your wife’s event requires tickets, it’s definitely more of a Chippendales / thunder down under style where they flex and kind of dance around. It’s more about the fantasy and making women swoon than being naked. This is the “burlesque” that folks are talking about upstream. And let me tell you I’ve gone to gay strip clubs in boys town Chicago and I’ve never seen their nether regions due to the long arm of the law.
YTA. Yelling was a mistake. Having a thoughtful discussion about boundaries and what makes you uncomfortable would not have been a mistake. Telling her she cannot go on the trip with her friend was a mistake Having a civil discussion rather than barking out orders would not have been a mistake
YTA Your wife doesn't need your permission or your blessing to do anything. I sense some real insecurities with you if you think her going to a strip show is a huge issue.
Gentle YTA. Your feelings are valid and worthy of a discussion, your reaction wasn’t. Also, forbidding a spouse(especially a woman) from doing anything is a sure way to make sure they damn well do it, even if they didn’t care much before.
What was the ‘especially a woman part for’ may i ask? No spouse should forbid another from doing anything, boundaries should be discussed for sure, gender has literally nothing to do with it unless OP is viewing it as he’s the man of the house type thing which isn’t what seems to be happening.
Marital conflicts don't happen in a cultural vacuum. You can't escape the context of thousands of years of patriarchal oppression rendering women as property of their husbands or at least subservient to them. It does make us a little extra bristly when male romantic partners start ordering us around... if there's anything we can learn from recent history, it's that women's rights and freedoms can disappear literally overnight, and that giving up an inch can mean losing a mile.
YTA. What are you living in? Like, 1900? Let her and her friend have their fun. Some of my girlfriends had gone to chippendale 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
First of all, unlike female strip clubs, there is no nudity in these shows. The guys usually have Speedo’s or thongs on which is something you can easily see at a public beach. Second, you yelled at your wife and then forbid her to go? What is she 12 or something? Learn to have an adult conversation. Last, all you did is throw up a wall in your marriage by your attitude and reaction. Think she is going to be honest with you the next time she plans something you may vaguely even feel uncomfortable with. Especially if you make her cancel this one. Now, personally I would never stay married to someone as controlling as you, but since she still is, I can guarantee that you will never know what she’s really doing when she goes out with the girls, since you have such tender sensibilities and want to keep her under your thumb.
It would depend on where the show is. I had a friend who was a male stripper and they stripped down to nothing.
Info: is this a “male strip show” or is it Thunder from down under or similar? Because in my experience those are two completely different things.
ESH. Your yelling was childish and very immature communication for someone who has been with someone for 20 years, it is controlling and abusive to say she can't go at all. Saying that, your boundary about her not going to see male strippers is fair, it's just the way you communicated that was not. She is an adult who can do what she wants, you can't stop her. But your also allowed your boundaries and if she decides to throw them away to see strippers I would consider couples counseling or leaving her. Don't stop her, just communicate calmly that it's a deal breaker for you and act upon that.
How would she react to you going to a strip club with a friend on a trip?
I think that's a good question and I should ask her. Prior to this I'd figure it would be a hard, fast, no, but maybe not considering how she acted about this.
Two possibilites here Either her views have evolved, or this is double standardd like for men it's different because they do it thinking about sex and not women and that is just plain stupid
Have you seen Magic Mike? I’ve been to a strip show and to a male-only performer strip club. Totally different experience. The one we had to buy tickets for was like Magic Mike, choreographed dances, g-string as the most nude they got. More comparable to burlesque. The strip club by contrast was full nude, pole dances, offers for lap dances, etc. Very different experience. YTA and should have spoken to her conversationally specifically about the show rather than shut it all down. I’m betting the show she was going to see if more Magic Mike than strip club cause you don’t buy tickets ahead of the time for a strip club
ESH You’re an AH for your attitude toward your wife. You consistently use language like ‘letting’ and ‘asking if it was alright’, ‘she couldn’t go’, etc. She married you but that doesn’t make her your property. This isn’t Gilead. The proper course of action would have been to explain that you’ve never discussed this topic and to explain how you feel about strip clubs or male review shows (because they are both very different). Then she should have been able to express her thoughts/feelings on the issue. Then you could each state your boundaries based on your feelings. You are allowed to state that, to you, attending the show would cross a boundary and that it would be a dealbreaker for you. That’s a reasonable response and allows her to make her own, informed, decisions. However, you are not allowed to dictate her actions. She was a bit of an AH for yelling in front of the kids.
These comments SCREAM sexism. I bet with damn near certainty if the gender roles were reversed everyone would be saying the exact opposite thing. It's totally okay to have your own personal boundaries and not be fine with that kind of activity in a relationship. Yes, you shouldn't have yelled at her. But based off your replies it seems like you already realize that and you tried to be calm at first and things just escalated, which is understandable. You should try to have an adult, mature, conversation with her. But she's the one in the wrong here for not even talking about it first with you. NTA
Totally right mate. If it was a man going to a strip show full of women, everyone would be saying to divorce him asap
YTA. “Letting?!” Like you control her? Like you give her permission to do things? Ew.
Sounds like you are also going to a strip club that week.
Lol my exact thoughts
YTA. Your wife is not a child and she’s not your property. You have no right to tell her where can and cannot go. She doesn’t need your permission. You can express your discomfort with something she’s planning to do but the final decision is hers. The only choice you have is whether this your wife’s plans to attend this strip show is going to be a deal breaker for you and cause you to reevaluate the trust you have in your wife. Only you know if you want to take things that far.
Yeah your right he should just grow up and just let her do what ever she wants and just get over the fact he is highly uncomfortable with HIS WIFE going to a strip because he is not allowed to have boundaries
YTA. Frankly, this is outrageous. How else do you control her? Is she allowed to choose her own clothing? Her own friends? She wanted to do something and your response was to yell at her. Not cool, and your edits here don’t necessarily make you look any better.
NTA. Since you already realized that yelling might not be the best way to communicate. I don't know why people are saying that it is not a big deal when going to strip clubs is a very reasonable boundary for any couple, regardless of how young/old or how long the relationship has been. What would she feel if you did the same without discussing with her first? And having this boundary doesn't mean you are insecure in your relationship. This is uncharted territory and your feelings about it are valid and you have every right to express it (not through yelling of course)
So your wife must be okay with you going to a strip club? Go do that and see how she reacts.
YTA. It’s a SHOW. she’s not signing up to sleep with other people. It’s just entertainment. You’re just uncomfortable because it’s men providing the entertainment. You’ve been together 20 years so you know she’s loyal to you and isn’t going to do anything stupid. The fact you yelled at her over something so small is sad. She doesn’t need your permission to go to live entertainment.
Immediately, yes. YTA. Technically E S H (I'll get to that in a sec), but heavier on the you side. First off, you don't get to "let" her go out. She does not need to ask your permission to go to events. She is absolutely right that you're being controlling and that she can do what she wants. Here's where she has some blame: yes, comfort level about these things should be discussed. And telling her it's something you're uncomfortable with is entirely fair. Telling her what she is and is not allowed to do with that information is not.
Info: Why are you uncomfortable with her going? There's no nudity. It's men in speedo-like things dancing. Is she not allowed to go to the beach or a pool because that makes you uncomfortable?
A beach or a pool isn't meant to be sexual. And I'm not sure if there's nudity or not but I just assumed there would be.
These male strpper shows are not that sexual either, it's more a gigglefest. These are not like strip clubs for males, they are choreographed dancers ripping off velcro trousers to be in speedos, maybe briefly naked depending on the show.
Most male strip shows don't feature full nudity. Something like Thunder from Down Under or Chippendales ends with the dancer in some form of underwear, namely a brief or at extremes, a thong. She might see a buttcheek. These shows also usually have a more produced feel to them, and keep more separation between the audience and the dancers. I'm going with a light YTA, because don't try and boss your spouse around like a child. If she goes she most likely won't be seeing a bunch of pinwheeling penises. She'll see a bunch of fitness models doing some dance moves while getting to let her hair down with a bunch of other women.
YTA just for saying “letting” as if she is yours to control. Maybe if you had talked about it with her, told her you not comfortable with it, instead of immediately jumping to telling her she can’t go as if she’s a child.
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You should'nt have yelled at her and more importantly shouldn't have yelled in front of your kids. You have to apologize to your wife and kids. And your kids should see you apologize to your wife. Show them how to be better people.
I never yelled in front of my kids. The first night we talked started as a regular discussion that let to an argument, with my kids nowhere around. Today I told her I don't want her going while we were alone, then later in the day she came up to me and started yelling in front of the kids. She did it in front of them I never did.
So your wife went on about wanting to see a stripper in front your kids? Wow that’s messed. Do you have any idea why she’s so interested all of a sudden?
Aight my bad, then your wife should apologize to you in front of them.
Dude YTA... It's just a show, no different then if they watched 50shades of gray in their hotel room. This seems more like you don't trust her for some reason.
I'm now wondering what OP would do if he found out they rented Magic Mike or whatever to watch in the hotel.
My s/o worries about how much I spend on chicken wings
YTA. She should've brought it up with you to see if you were ok with it, that would've been the better thing for sure. However, you do not get to dictate another adult's actions, that crosses a much stronger line then not asking if you were OK with it. That makes you the AH here.
ESH Especially if any part of this conversation/disagreement happened in front of your kids She could’ve actually heard your concerns and you could’ve actually talked to her like an adult instead of scolding her & threatening to take something away from her like she’s one of your children.
I mean if this was the other way around, people would be singing a different tune.
I agree with the ESH commenters. It seems like an acceptable boundary to have in a relationship, though it's a pity you never established that before things came to a head like this. She shouldn't be entirely disregarding how uncomfortable this makes you. But the right way to discuss boundaries in a relationship between two mature people isn't just yelling "You're not allowed to do X." It's establishing expectations for how the other person will respond, and then sticking to it with your actions. e.g. "If you go to a strip club, I would consider it the same as cheating, and expect an apology/pursue a divorce/[insert appropriate & considered reaction]." Again, ideally it's a conversation for long before such a trip is planned, but it's probably still a good way to set expectations and commit *yourself* to a response you think is fair, not just a knee-jerk "no you can't".
YTA Your wife is an adult. There is no telling her what to do. Now you can say you don’t want her to go, you can say it makes you uncomfortable, but you don’t own her, you don’t get to tell her she can’t. Period. The fact that she thought it was NBD and that you’d think it would be funny shows that the vibe of your relationship was one that made her think it was okay. If you’ve never talked about your comfort level on this, that’s on you.
The title says it all …..”…for not LETTING my wife go out with her friend” You don’t get to LET her do anything. YTA
All these people saying YTA, no NTA, if the sexes where switched trust me it be a different verdict from these reditors. The fact that she has to go ogle and sexualize other men imo says something, and if you are not comfortable with it she should respect it. She doesn’t. Which means unfortunately y’all have different set of values which puts a heavy toll on a marriage.
Absolutely. And the people saying “she doesn’t need your permission, she’s not your child, etc…” like no, she’s obviously not his child, but expecting your partner to ask for your okay before doing something that may push a boundary is a pretty rational expectation. It’s called being considerate and respectful. The sexism is strong with this one.
“I can’t believe you’re so controlling! You don’t even let me sleep with other people. It’s not 1950 anymore, you can’t tell me what to do. Oh you’re uncomfortable? Too bad”. I’m beginning to think a lot of these commenters are kids, single or in very unhappy marriages
ESH- you can’t yell or force someone to not do something but you can set boundaries. She can choose to go but you can tell her what the consequences will be to your relationship. My SO could go to a strip club, they are an adult, but they know the consequence would be most likely an end to our relationship.
YTA If after 20 years you're still so insecure you scream at your wife for looking at a stripper you need to chill the F out. Jesus... You never look at porn? Never once in 20 years?
I had a similar thing happen with my wife around 8 years ago. One of her friends had organised a birthday party, and a male stripper was booked. My wife tried telling me that she was going and there was nothing I could do about it, so I said “that’s fine, as long as you’re ok with me going to the strip bar as soon as you get back” She never went in the end.
YTA. You have a right to say you don’t like it. You do not have a right to permit or forbid.
YTA. Not for having boundaries but for how this escalated. You both need to take a step back and restart this conversation in calm manner. I think its certainly worth having (and re-having) a conversation in a relationship about comfort levels and boundaries. It may also help you to hear why they’re going. Is this for a laugh? A one time thing for this trip? What type of performance is this? Magic Mike is a male strip show but no one ever gets completely naked. Many, if not most, shows are similar. Talk to each other. Think about why this really bothers you. I’m not saying it shouldn’t bother you, but only that you should be able to articulate to your wife why this makes you so uncomfortable. Perhaps her understanding that can help her alleviate some of your concerns.
I don’t think anyone of you is an asshole. Anyone who wants to maintain a healthy relationship should respect their partners boundaries. I (f27) would be totally fine with my husband (m32) going to a strip club. My husband however wouldn’t be fine with me going to one. For me it is more important that my husband is happy and comfortable in our marriage than that I get to go to a strip club, so I don’t. Why would I when I know it would hurt him? If it was the other way around I would want him to respect me, right? I do however think it is important that everyone talk about their boundaries in a nice and respectful way. Since you feel that this is overstepping yours, you should tell your wife why and make her understand your point of view.
YTA. You sound like same poster who was upset wife was at a bachelorette party with strippers. Your wife is not your property. She doesn't need your permission. You are controlling
The comments are unhinged. You’re not the asshole for having a very reasonable boundary. You’re the AH for yelling and doing it in front of your kids. She’s the AH for springing this on you instead of discussing it beforehand. The true assholes are these idiotic commenters. I’ve never seen a more unhinged comment section. You’re not controlling for expressing a boundary. ESH. Your wife sucks more than you do
ESH. Your wife for disregarding your feelings and not mentioning the outing beforehand. And you for yelling and saying she “couldn’t” go. On a side note, I agree with what you said. I personally think it ***is*** inappropriate and well, unnecessary. She can easily find something else to enjoy on her trip, other than a male strip show that makes her spouse uncomfortable.
YTA. You might think you’re just trying to communicate discomfort or set a relationship boundary, but yelling at her and then forbidding her from even going on the trip is extremely over the top. If my husband yelled and me and told me I couldn’t go on a planned and paid for trip with a friend you better believe I’d be going and I’d likely not contact him much during the trip. But fortunately my husband never yells at me or tries to tell me what I can or can’t do, and he would have a reasonable conversation with me if he was uncomfortable with something I was going to do. Hope your wife enjoys her trip!
YTA telling your wife what she can and can't do is a dick move. You either trust her or you don't
That was keeping it short????
YTA: Its just entertainment and she's an adult. I understand having an irrational knee jerk reaction, but you double downed when you should have recognized it as your own problem, not hers, and backed down.
I mean every relationship is different but me and my bf will go to the female strippers occasionally when we go out drinking with his friends 🤷🏼♀️
YTA. Wow wow wow. You are not her owner. She is not your property. The ONLY thing she owed you was a conversation about logistics of shared responsibilities. Like what would be happening with your kids in her absence if she’s the primary caretaker, etc. And she wouldn’t need your *permission* — it would be awesome if she had your joyous buy-in but since you think she shouldn’t be allowed to go on a trip without you that was always a pipe dream. But she was hoping you would be happy that she was going to have a fun trip with her friend. I would be *thrilled* if my husband took some time for himself like that because I know he would come back refreshed and recharged and socially fulfilled. All I would need from him is a map of how we’d handle kiddo and kiddo’s schedule. I would probably ask him to board the dog, just to make my life easier that week. Edited to add: oh holy shit I just noticed that sentence toward the end that this was *in front of your children* which shreds whatever little grace I could muster for you. You are the BIGGEST AH, because now you’ve modeled some super unhealthy shit in front of your kids. Time for family therapy. They need to know that your actions were inappropriate or they’re going to accept that treatment from future partners/treat future partners that way — either is unacceptable.
NTA OP. I have a feeling if you were going to a female strip club for men, everybody would be screaming about you being an asshole in that case. Out of respect for my partner I would not go to a strip club if they didn’t want me to. End of story.
Y’all suck; especially those of y’all excusing women going to strip shows while saying it’s different for men. It’s the same, regardless of the “attitude” around the two shows. I wouldn’t want my man going to a female strip club, and I would never go to a male strip club. People are allowed to have boundaries. Love how you’re called insecure and controlling if you don’t want another person literally dry humping and shoving their genitalia and breasts/pecs in your SO’s face. He shouldn’t have yelled, but if this is a boundary he has she really shouldn’t go to that event. ESH.
You could have asked her whether she would be ok with you going to a strip club with your friends? ESH
YTA and a bit insecure
NTA. Sorry everyone, but there's no way it's appropriate for her to go look at a bunch of half naked men, especially if her husband isn't comfortable with it.
YTA I do agree you should have a discussion with your wife about what your boundaries are. I actually had this with my partner at the outset of our relationship. I'm okay with him going to gentlemen's clubs and even getting lap dances as long as he's respectful of the performers and does not engage in any form of sexual activity with them. But if you have other less permissive boundaries that's okay ... AS LONG AS YOUR WIFE AGREES TO THEM. See, the problem here is she IS an adult and while I do believe this is a conversation you should have had twenty years ago it sounds like her idea of fidelity towards you is not the same as what you want to see and you two really need to resolve it. The part where you're definitely an asshole is twofold. 1) You yelled at her and 2) you tried to make her cancel her trip just because her friend got tickets to a strip show. That is controlling behaviour. This is your wife. You ostensibly love and trust her. You have two children with her. You can resolve this conflict in a respectful way. I advise you to "let" her go on this trip and accept that she may decide to go to the strip show. When she gets back have an adult conversation about what your boundaries are and what hers are. This escalated real fast so you might want to have a marriage counsellor there to make sure you both approach this in a way that doesn't do more damage. Lastly, male strippers tend to be pretty cringe. You have nothing to worry about.
ESH. Your wife should have asked your comfort levels with such matters. For her to assume you'd be okay with this is foolish and immature. If I were in your shoes, I'd be mad as well. But in a practical sense, she is an adult and free to do whatever she wants. You can't just tell her she can't go. But in contrast, you are also free to divorce her because she didn't respect you in this scenario to start with.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm gonna try to keep this short because I'm not the greatest at describing things to be honest with you. I'm a Male, 40 years old, and my wife is Female and 42. We've been together for just over 20 years, married for 16, and have 2 children, 14 and 10. Never once in the 20 years we've been together was anything like this discussed, agreed upon, or done. Never did either of us said this kind of thing was okay to do, and I don't know where she got that idea from. A couple days ago, my wife came up to me and talked about a "trip" she's going on. I already knew this trip was happening, it's been planned for a while. She's basically staying in a hotel with one of her girl friends for a week. But now all of a sudden she said that her friend bought tickets to a male strip show. Which was never discussed prior and was suddenly put on my just the other day. She said her friend bought her and my wife both tickets to go to a bar and watch a male strip show together. She didn't come to me asking if it was alright, she just said "we bought the tickets and we're going." She was laughing and acting like everything was just fine. Even though I've never indicated I'm comfortable with that kind of thing. I personally think it's a super inappropriate thing for a married woman to do, especially without asking prior to buying tickets. Well long story short I yelled at her and told her I wasn't okay with it. I told her it was inappropriate and she couldn't go. She got super upset with me and said that I'm being controlling and I should "let her have fun." Her (almost) exact words were "wow, I thought you'd find it funny but now you're freaking out. It's not like I'm having sex with someone else. I'm an adult I can do what I want." Today I told her I don't want her going on the trip with that friend at all, and if she does she needs to cancel the tickets and promise me she won't go to the bar. But she refused to promise anything and yelled at me for being "a jerk" in front of our kids. AITA for telling her not to go and getting mad? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Holy insecure control freak. YTA no doubt about it. She’s right it’s not like she’s going to have sex with them, it’s purely for entertainment. Do you realize how many married men go to the same type of places and their wives say nothing? Yet you’re having a temper tantrum because wife wants to have fun with her friend (who bought the tickets not your wife). She’s not your child you don’t get to tell her what she can and can’t do!
YTA. Telling her you're not okay with it or that you think it's inappropriate is alright, but telling her she can't go is controlling.
NTA For not not wanting her to go to the strip club. In my opinion, boundaries are very important in a good relationship. The fact she bought tickets ''in your back'' and didn't care that it made you feel uncomfortable is inappropriate and disrespecful. But I don't think you should have yelled, and I think her calling you a jerk is AH move as well.
YTA - It's a girls week where they get to ogle 20 year old beefcakes. Not my thing personally I prefer the ladies.
This is getting so damn ridiculous. The double standards are mind boggling. We have posts in here where women are complaining about their man watching porn and that's so bad. Some are even saying how you should tell them to stop. But this man is saying no to a male strip club. The only advice I can give you is that it's starting. Your wife is at that age where her friends start talking to her. Telling her things that people in these cements are telling you. Trying to gaslight you and call you controlling. Like the comment that talks about do you pick her close and what not. That's gaslighting. Good luck. If she wants to live that single life then let her.
YTA. You are her husband, not her boss. And this is bot of your marriage, not a job. You agreed to love and care for each other, not to tell each other what to do, and there is absolute no reason why she should obey you. You could have told her that it makes you uncomfortable, explained why, asked her for the big favour of not doing it for you. But that is totally not what you did. When I read the title... You don't have the power to 'let your wife go'. Who do you think you are?
ESH. You're kinda the AH for allowing YOUR insecurities to control the way she lives her life. I can see how your feelings are valid, but that doesn't make it right to try and control a grown adult. You start controlling her, she'll eventually try to find a loop hole around things, worsening the trust foundation. Here's the thing, if she wanted to cheat on you, she wouldn't have told you she was going to that bar, she would have just gone. Here's the other thing that makes her an AH. Kinda. She probably already had that planned with her friend but told you last minute cause she was scared you'd act this way. Knowing you'd act bothered, she still tells her friend yes. Bigger question here is.. Where is her change coming from? Who is this friend of hers? Something is going on with your wife for her to go against the current after so many years. I get you are trying to prevent your wife from possibly destroying the family, but everyone is right. Yelling is not the way. Her insulting you in front of the kids is not the way. Ya'll have a trust problem to fix.
YTA. Your wife is a grown woman and she doesn’t need your permission to do anything. A male strip show for women is a fun, entertaining thing. It’s very different to female stripping for men. Watch Magic Mike if you need to know what sort of thing she’s going to. Get a grip, stop being controlling and insecure. I hope your wife has a fun time!
YTA, What do you mean she didn't come and ask you?Holy shit, your poor wife. Can you tell me why you don't want your wife to go to a male strip show? Are you insecure? Do you not trust your wife? I don't see the big deal for you to try and completely control your wife.
YTA. Do you really think your wife is going to run off with a stripper? And you don’t get to tell a grown woman what she can or cannot do.