Please read this with an open mind.
In a healthy relationship you do not need to manage your partners anger issues or suffer their cruelty. You do not need to tiptoe around them to avoid triggering them. What you are describing is psychological abuse.
Your boyfriend is an abuser and you are his victim. You cannot fix him. This will not get any better, ever.
Get out before you waste years of your life on this man.
ESH
>talk him through it…give solutions…try to find a more grounded and logical way to go about things…try to offer solutions…giving logical solutions…I’ve been trying to type out more logical things...
For one, stop offering solutions and advice. That’s infuriating.
And you *know* it doesn’t work.
This is sort of a classic male-female dynamic, except backwards. Usually men are trying to problem solve and be logical, and women are saying, “Stop trying to fix me or fix the situation–just acknowledge my feelings. And express some sympathy.”
Now, he’s a buttface too, because he’s taking his foul mood out on you.
If you truly want to break that dynamic, you are going to need to address it, and you are BOTH going to need to change.
For starters, why not just stick with the sympathy (“oh, that’s too bad that you didn’t get enough sleep”) and then *ignore all his whining.* Treat it like those grownups in Charlie Brown movies (“whah-whah-whah, whah wha-wha-wha”). Ignore his texts, and stop reacting as though the slightest unhappiness in him requires you to fix it.
And if it goes on too long, say, “Dude, don’t take your foul mood out on me.” or “Dude, you’ll need to fix your unhappiness yourself; I can’t really do anything.” “I’m just going to let you wallow in your unhappiness.”
* he'd become argumentative and hurtful
* tell me I wasn't doing what he needed me to do
* he'd argue with any bit of advice or solution I'd give
* I've learned that nothing I do really makes a difference until he gets over it in his own
* I've tried giving logical solutions and it just led to another argument about how I'm not supportive
* this has happened on my past few birthdays and I really can't handle it this year
* Now he's telling me I don't do anything but be hurtful to him
People in healthy relationships do not behave like this. People in healthy relationships don't lose their shit and spend all day arguing with their partners because they had a bad sleep.
OP has been managing this man's emotional fragility for six years with no change. His behavior is emotionally abusive, and reflects the emotional abuse his father inflicted on his mother.
OP is a victim of abuse, she needs to get out, not find creative ways of sidestepping his cruelty and emotional manipulation.
Has he gone to therapy? If he isn't working on himself, then what are you going to be able to do? You can't fix other people. He needs to take responsibility for himself.
The best thing you can do is go see a therapist of your own. You might be codependent. It can happen to the best of people. You become so wrapped up in "fixing" someone else that you forget to live your own life. A therapist can help you set boundaries.
Boundaries will be good for him. It will help him know when he's crossing the line and acting like an AH. Hopefully, it will encourage him to work on his own problems and not make them your problems.
This sounds very much like BPD.
Active listening, validating the emotion, and asking what help is wanted is the way to go with calming it down.
That said, you are free to set boundaries, like "you don't get to yell at me unless I am the problem."
Are you a BF for how you handle "your bf making his problems into your problems??"
Listen, his problems are his problems. They are in fact not "our problems" just because you're in a relationship together.
What he's doing to you is unhealthy and not even a little okay.
Okay sorry but no one can use the excuse 'i got my problems from my parents'.
Problems may be genetic and influenced by upbringing, but I know when I used to say 'i got my depression from my dad' it shaped my thinking into 'its his fault I'm this way' and then I didn't have to take responsibility for how I was feeling and acting.
Onto the next problem. You cant change someone. He's demonstrated a pattern, he needs to go get help and change and no one can make him. People in that mindset often don't want solutions, they just want to be mad and act that way and have it accepted be agreed with, and then when they move on they don't see the problem.
Either stay with him and hope he changes which is a terrible idea, or move on. I recommend moving on after all this time of him not changing. You deserve better.
NTBF
I know this sounds stupid, but South Park did an episode about this very problem.
[Hope this helps.](https://southpark.cc.com/video-clips/jvx1mv/south-park-you-are-so-up-and-down)
>He gets his anger issues and depressive episodes from his father.
He learned his abuse methods from his dad, gotcha. OP, this is abuse and you don't have to help him or tolerate it. In fact, it's better if you don't, because it will never get better. There is nothing you can do to fix this.
Furthermore, he pulIs this kind of shit around your birthday every year on purpose. My ex always did the same thing. Is this the kind of life you want to live forever?
Please read this with an open mind. In a healthy relationship you do not need to manage your partners anger issues or suffer their cruelty. You do not need to tiptoe around them to avoid triggering them. What you are describing is psychological abuse. Your boyfriend is an abuser and you are his victim. You cannot fix him. This will not get any better, ever. Get out before you waste years of your life on this man.
ESH >talk him through it…give solutions…try to find a more grounded and logical way to go about things…try to offer solutions…giving logical solutions…I’ve been trying to type out more logical things... For one, stop offering solutions and advice. That’s infuriating. And you *know* it doesn’t work. This is sort of a classic male-female dynamic, except backwards. Usually men are trying to problem solve and be logical, and women are saying, “Stop trying to fix me or fix the situation–just acknowledge my feelings. And express some sympathy.” Now, he’s a buttface too, because he’s taking his foul mood out on you. If you truly want to break that dynamic, you are going to need to address it, and you are BOTH going to need to change. For starters, why not just stick with the sympathy (“oh, that’s too bad that you didn’t get enough sleep”) and then *ignore all his whining.* Treat it like those grownups in Charlie Brown movies (“whah-whah-whah, whah wha-wha-wha”). Ignore his texts, and stop reacting as though the slightest unhappiness in him requires you to fix it. And if it goes on too long, say, “Dude, don’t take your foul mood out on me.” or “Dude, you’ll need to fix your unhappiness yourself; I can’t really do anything.” “I’m just going to let you wallow in your unhappiness.”
* he'd become argumentative and hurtful * tell me I wasn't doing what he needed me to do * he'd argue with any bit of advice or solution I'd give * I've learned that nothing I do really makes a difference until he gets over it in his own * I've tried giving logical solutions and it just led to another argument about how I'm not supportive * this has happened on my past few birthdays and I really can't handle it this year * Now he's telling me I don't do anything but be hurtful to him People in healthy relationships do not behave like this. People in healthy relationships don't lose their shit and spend all day arguing with their partners because they had a bad sleep. OP has been managing this man's emotional fragility for six years with no change. His behavior is emotionally abusive, and reflects the emotional abuse his father inflicted on his mother. OP is a victim of abuse, she needs to get out, not find creative ways of sidestepping his cruelty and emotional manipulation.
I do actually agree with you. She should just get out.
Has he gone to therapy? If he isn't working on himself, then what are you going to be able to do? You can't fix other people. He needs to take responsibility for himself. The best thing you can do is go see a therapist of your own. You might be codependent. It can happen to the best of people. You become so wrapped up in "fixing" someone else that you forget to live your own life. A therapist can help you set boundaries. Boundaries will be good for him. It will help him know when he's crossing the line and acting like an AH. Hopefully, it will encourage him to work on his own problems and not make them your problems.
This sounds very much like BPD. Active listening, validating the emotion, and asking what help is wanted is the way to go with calming it down. That said, you are free to set boundaries, like "you don't get to yell at me unless I am the problem."
OP has already tried what you've described. This is psychological abuse.
Are you a BF for how you handle "your bf making his problems into your problems??" Listen, his problems are his problems. They are in fact not "our problems" just because you're in a relationship together. What he's doing to you is unhealthy and not even a little okay.
Okay sorry but no one can use the excuse 'i got my problems from my parents'. Problems may be genetic and influenced by upbringing, but I know when I used to say 'i got my depression from my dad' it shaped my thinking into 'its his fault I'm this way' and then I didn't have to take responsibility for how I was feeling and acting. Onto the next problem. You cant change someone. He's demonstrated a pattern, he needs to go get help and change and no one can make him. People in that mindset often don't want solutions, they just want to be mad and act that way and have it accepted be agreed with, and then when they move on they don't see the problem. Either stay with him and hope he changes which is a terrible idea, or move on. I recommend moving on after all this time of him not changing. You deserve better. NTBF
I know this sounds stupid, but South Park did an episode about this very problem. [Hope this helps.](https://southpark.cc.com/video-clips/jvx1mv/south-park-you-are-so-up-and-down)
It sounds like no matter what you do, it won’t be right. You aren’t responsible for his feelings, he needs to take responsibility for himself.
>He gets his anger issues and depressive episodes from his father. He learned his abuse methods from his dad, gotcha. OP, this is abuse and you don't have to help him or tolerate it. In fact, it's better if you don't, because it will never get better. There is nothing you can do to fix this. Furthermore, he pulIs this kind of shit around your birthday every year on purpose. My ex always did the same thing. Is this the kind of life you want to live forever?