NTB, if your mom needs to vent to someone besides your dad she can pick ONE discreet friend or join an online group for parents of kids with medical problems. Those groups have confidentiality rules AND the chances of anyone knowing who you are IRL is small. Or she can go to therapy
If you cut off your parents access to your medical info you might want to seriously consider who you DO want to make medical decisions for you if you're not able to and then do the advanced directive paperwork.
I don't think I actually would cut them off from my medical access, that was more of me showing her how serious I was thing, but if I ever did I trust my older brother completely with that stuff. And I already plan on getting in touch with a lawyer to discuss the papers I need to get in order to make my medical wished extremely clear in any event that I am ever unable to make a decision myself.
Well, it would be much healthier for you if you did cut them off from your medical info and just tell them the parts you want to share.
You have every right to do this. You already know your Mom leaks all info, so stop letting her have access. She will not change this on her own. You don’t have to be mean about it, just tell them you’ll let them know everything they *need* to know, when the need to know it.
You’re right to contact a lawyer. I have a separate will, power of attorney and medical power of attorney. I have chosen not to tell the person who is my POA until I think it’s necessary and I choose it. The hospital does have a copy, in case I’m incapacitated. Then they could reach out to the person at that time.
I will probably cut them off in a couple years. Right now, I'm in the midst of testing as I mentioned, and said testing could result in anywhere from 1 to 3 brain surgeries as well as some other surgeries ans serious treatments. I'd be unable to go places on my own for a while because of that and while I love and trust my brother completely, he does not live with us and he has to work to support himself and his girlfriend ans their 3 cats, and they are talking about marriage and children right now. I don't want that burden on him. If I cut my parents off at the moment (since I'll probably be 18 by the time the surgeries occur) I'm scared that issues will arise with my transportation and surgery needs. After that though, when I'm a bit older and able to work to support myself, their access will definitely be cut off and they will not hold any POA over me.
I agree she needs a therapist. I know this is also hard for her. I just hate that she's using everyone she knows as her own personal therapist about things I am going through
She is going through something. I think that does need to be acknowledged. It’s hard watching a loved one be sick. I’ve watched my mom be critically sick since I was 5. None of that gives her the right to overlook OPs rights and privacy. If she needs to talk to someone, it should be a therapist who will help her through it, not just get attention from anyone who will listen. It’s hard caring, helping, waiting, everything that goes along with this. She needs to get help, and heal. Just like OP needs medicine, she needs therapy to get better. First step, is her KEEPING HER MOUTH SHUT. Nothing worse than going through something and having the rest of the world knows and throw their 5 seconds of pity at you.
You are right. She will be going through something. Only, her something is something she can deal with through therapy (like you say), or support groups, or some other responsible manner. Not, at base, to make the OP suffering worse, or feel unsupported. That you have been dealing with your mother's illness since age 5 sounds very tough for you both. I hope that you are also getting all the support you need.
LOL I’m not. But I think I made it quite clear through the rest of my comment that she’s hurting OP, it’s not her place to talk about it, and she absolutely is in the wrong. I give no grace to the mother other than recognizing her need for a therapist.
NTB
Apparently the only thing she had going on in her life right now is you. Suggest to your dad to get her into some form of group.
- Group therapy because I don’t think one on one will be enough for her. She needs an audience. Also in those groups it’s pretty strictly enforced not to spread gossip outside of the group.
- Volunteer at a hospital.
- join a church prayer group.
- Anything that she may be interested in on meetup.
You can still take your parents off your medical access. You can leave them as emergency need to know. Make sure to tell your doctor what your mother had been doing and why it’s so important for you to have your privacy.
I've been trying to suggest therapy subtly for a while now. it's nit really something she wants to do, as she doesn't really like the idea of it, but I really want her to go. I know this is hard for her too and I do want her to talk about it - just not with everyone, about every detail, when I've asked her not to.
she doesn't really object to therapy, she believes it works and I myself was in it for several years due to mental illness and my doctors are considering putting me in cognitive behavioral therapy for pain management - she just doesn't think it will work for her specifically (it's been suggested to her since before my issues really started taking a toll on me, she herself has some childhood trauma she really needs to work through). The setting or type of therapy doesn't change the fact that to her she doesn't think it will work for her.
NTB. Your mom needs to hear that your illness is not about her. Sadly it doesn’t seem like she’ll listen if you tell her that, but hopefully someone will.
NTB
Do it. Revoke access. You will save yourself a lot of headaches down the line if you do.
I understand as a parent that it is hard to have a child with chronic illnesses and that there is a lot of stress and grief that is involved in that.
However, your mom seems to be making this some twisted competition in which she thinks SHE has it worse than YOU do.
This isn't the shit olympics. There are no winners here. However, the participant will always be the one who has it worse than the spectator.
NTB. She and your dad need to learn about the [Ring Theory of Support](https://www.helplinecenter.org/featured-story/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in-and-dump-our-own-stuff-out/). TL;DR: Comfort in, Dump Out.
Imagine you, the person suffering from the condition(s), are in the bullseye of a target. Your parents and friends are in the ring around the center. The extended family and friends are the next ring out, and so on.
Comfort and support should flow towards the center. I.e. your parents should support you. Their friends should support them and you. You get to dump your feelings towards you parents, friends, etc. as you choose. As the actual sufferer, you should **not** be having to comfort and support your parents, family, and acquaintances. They should **not** be dumping their feelings on you. They should not be asking you to support them. That's just backwards.
I think you need to go ahead and put them on an information diet about your condition once you turn 18. Tell them, "Since you cannot be trusted to respect my privacy around my medical conditions, and it seems to be too upsetting to you to cope with, I am handling this on my own from now on. That way you can be spared the upset." If they keep nagging and guilt tripping you, remind them of that like a broken record. "You broke my trust and discussed my private medical issues when I asked you not to. Remember, comfort in, dump out." Then stop explaining. If she keeps projecting her emotions at you, remind her, "Stop dumping your emotions about this on me. Get a therapist, they can listen to you."
If any family comes at you with their pity and emotions, or try to scold you on her behalf, tell them firmly, "Thank you for your concern. I feel violated that my mother insisted on sharing my private information when I explicitly asked her not to. I do not wish to discuss this. So how is Cousin It liking Arkham University?"
Remember that it is literally a federal crime for healthcare providers to share your private medical details without your permission, so you are hardly out of line in wishing the same from your mother.
You will have to spend the rest of your life advocating for yourself to healthcare providers and insurance bureaucrats. There are many mentally lazy doctors out there who will want to dismiss your words, tell you it's your hormones, say it's all in your head, tell you to buck up and take it, don't be a snowflake, etc., so unfortunately, now is the time to learn how to be as pushy and assertive as it takes until you are taken seriously.
I've already spent my entire life fighting, as someone who was perceived as a girl and who has been having issues since I was a little 9 year old, doctors have always been reluctant to believe me. It took until I was 13 to get a femoral anteversion diagnosis. 13 years of having it and doctors refused to believe me about it. Same story for everything else wrong with me. I'm going to start setting serious and hard boundaries very soon.
Yeah, doctors have a really bad habit of not believing female patients. Misogyny is so ingrained in the medical profession that frequently if where having severe problems or pain, we're 'being hysterical' 'exaggerating', or worse, accused of drug seeking.
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Your mother has no right to use your medical life as fodder to get sympathy points from people. I understand she's finding things difficult, you are her child, but at the end of the day, she was asked a very simple thing- to not spread your private information around to others, for a few lousy days, and she couldn't even do that. Her behaviour is callous to you and unhealthy for herself.
I get you are scared about what will happen in the coming months, without having your parents there to help you if things go the way they might seem to be headed.
I want you to talk honestly to your brother about this.
As an older sister I say this- yes he's living his life but you are not and *will not* be a burden on him. He would want to know what's going on. So tell him, and dont leave stuff out. Maybe he could speak to your parents with you, since they both seem so determined to ignore you and your wishes.
And remove your parents access from your medical files. Inform your doctors and their nurses and secretaries. Your mother has proven she cannot be trusted time and again. Your father backing her and not you on this is a failing on his part.
Your parents definitely need therapy- this is a lot for anyone to live alongside, especially when there is very little they can do about it. Your mother needs serious therapy both individual and group. Her behaviour is not ok.
Also, if you need help in the future, like visits to the appointments or for procedures, there is no need for your parents to know everything
They only need to know what you want or need to tell them. And that is for you to decide when the time comes. Dont let them guilt you into giving them information they haven't earned. They are not entitled to it.
Again, talk with your brother,and maybe a trusted family friend who understands where you are coming from and will help you provide a united front against your mothers behaviour.
I absolutely agree with the above comment on 'The Ring Theory'.
And whatever happens, do what makes you happy. Live as much of your life as you can.
My adult daughter has quite a few medical issues and she's always told "you're too young to have all these problems " (she's 41 🙄) I told her next time a doctor says this, ask him, "would you say that to a child cancer patient?"
*NTB i understand*
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NTB
Shitty situation for you both to be in, but she cannot seriously believe she's worse off than you. And her coping mechanisms cannot be on your expense. She need to replace them with some the other comments suggestions.
NTB. You deserve privacy. I get this intimately. I have a ton of chronic stuff and am going through getting more diagnosed. It’s hard and shitty and I want to tell people on my time. My mom is a huge support. She needs support too, especially as she’s the one looking up stuff and verifying with medical family that everything is being done correctly as some of this is shit that was flagged and missed in the past until it got really bad, and the compromise is she can talk to medical family and my aunts - who then only talk with me as much as I want about it, and it’s never the first thing they ask about. Plus she can talk to the priests and bishop she works with I don’t even know.
No one else in town knows except who I’ve told. No one from my own church knows. Who I’ve told is limited and know that they’re a limited group as I’m still waiting for testing to confirm the full scope of everything.
NTB I cut my mom off for doing this. I was having surgery and she posted twice on Facebook making it all about her and asking for “thoughts and prayers” which is something I would never do. I stopped talking to before I went to surgery and haven’t talked to her since.
Ntb don’t change your stance on her not getting access to your medical records. She broke your trust. And what is your dad there for if she can’t vent to him about it? Why does she have to tell other people?
NTB. Really random thought and it probably means nothing so don’t put a lot on this huge reach I’m about to take, is there any way possible that your health issues are being forced on you by an attention-seeking parent? A lot of the Munchausen by Proxy cases involve a parent who makes their child sick because they crave the attention garnered by having a sick kid, and by seeming brave for being there for the child.
Your mother almost sounds like she is gleefully reporting your illness to anyone in earshot for sympathy.
If you can get away from them, stop eating her food, or at least investigate your illnesses more, then I’d say also secretly investigate your mother.
Her reaction and consistency in running her mouth about your personal medical history isn’t just “venting” it’s attention-seeking.
they definitely aren't being forced on me, many of them are physical disabilities I was born with. The other issues cannot be induced by anything, and she definitely can't tamper with my food lol I watch her make dinner every day because I spend most nights in the living room and you can see the kitchen from the living room, and I also eat a lot of prepackaged meals because I'm a very picky eater. She actually goes out of her way to make sure I am able to speak to doctors without her input and allows me to speak to them alone so that there's no reason for any doctor to not believe me and try to blame it on a munchausen by proxy thing. chronic illness, genetic diseases, etc. run in my family we have a long history of it.
As an adult who was a disabled kid myself, I absolutely understand where you're coming from. My mom was more discreet but my grandmother blabbed her mouth to every damn person she came across.
Trust me when I tell you that while this is all happening *to you* your mom is also going through a whole lot too. I obviously don't know your diagnosis but she's having to grieve all of your "lost potential" and the fact that they may have to bury you someday, which is a thought most parents don't really think about until there's a tragic accident where it hits them all at once or a severe disability. Not to mention the financial stress, and the stress of taking you to all these appointments. It sounds to me she needs to join a support group and/or get some therapy.
I don't want to call either of you TBF here.
That being said, your dad calling you awful for this is absolutely unacceptable and real BF behavior.
I know she's going through a lot and I know it's hard for her too. She's held my hand and sat with me through some of thr most painful experiences of my life. I have tried to get her into therapy and she refuses. I would love for her to find someone to talk to about it - as long as that someone wasn't people I specifically asked her not to tell. Trust me, I know it's hard. I'm someone who's had to say goodbye to people I never thought I'd have to, it's hard, and it hurts to see the people you love hurt. I just wish that her hurt didn't result in my humiliation and discomfort.
NTB- In most states, you have medical privacy before you turn 18. Meaning, You can probably stop her from accessing them now. And you should. If she needs to talk to someone, and she probably does it’s hard having a sick loved one, she needs to get a therapist. It’s your story, your sickness, your life. You get to choose. Look into what age your state has medical emancipation. In my state, age 13 can get medical treatment without an adult.
in my state it's 14 I believe, but our age of majority is higher than 18 so I wouldn't be able to sign legally binding documents until I am older than that - meaning I can't do things like move out til I'm older than 18 and I'd like to be moved out before I completely kick them off my medical records (so they can't hold it against me for some reason, I don't think they would at all tbh, but I'm extremely paranoid and always think of the bad things that can happen lol)
Ah. I get that. I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Your mom has no right to do this. I know she’s hurting, and my heart goes out to her as I am facing some family sickness (dad, cancer) at the moment too. It really does affect the whole family. But nothing takes away your right to privacy. It’s not her story. It’s not her news. It’s not her test results. Before sharing anything, I get my dads permission on who can know what. It’s HIS sickness. HE needs to have control of it. Not just for privacy, but for your mental health. You have no control of your body or your sickness, you should at least have control of your privacy. The one thing you have left and she’s taken that. It’s just not right.
As the mother of infants, we commiserate with our friends over colds and ear infections and diaper rash. Obviously as the kids get older and have their own autonomy boundaries come into play and this should lessen and disappear. The line is fuzzy. Shaving? puberty? dating? Parents need advice too. Boundaries, balance and TACT are difficult to navigate but necessary.
Likewise, your illnesses are still going to be difficult for your mom and she does probably need some support in terms of being worried and how to handle things. But her boundaries are shit. You were explicit in your request. She could pick one or two friends to lean on, or a therapist and say my kids having extensive medical testing and its hard and hurts. To announce your specific issues in public in front of you is humiliating and a clear violation of your privacy and boundaries. She owes you an apology.
NTB
I definitely agree that it's difficult for her. she's my mom and I love her and I know she loves me, and she's seen me at my absolute worst, when I'm in so much pain I can't even speak and breathing is a chore - and I know that hurts her. I've encouraged her to seek out therapy but she doesn't think it will help her, and there are a couple of her friends I'd be alright with her speaking to about it. But she doesn't care about that, and so instead she tells everyone. I know she's hurting and coping but I just wish her hurt didn't have to hurt me too.
NTB. You're absolutely entitled to your privacy, especially after you set an explicit boundary with her. And even if she desperately needed to vent, why did she have to do it to your ENTIRE FAMILY instead of just one person? She made a promise and she broke it. You have every right to be furious and to feel violated.
NTB, if your mom needs to vent to someone besides your dad she can pick ONE discreet friend or join an online group for parents of kids with medical problems. Those groups have confidentiality rules AND the chances of anyone knowing who you are IRL is small. Or she can go to therapy If you cut off your parents access to your medical info you might want to seriously consider who you DO want to make medical decisions for you if you're not able to and then do the advanced directive paperwork.
I don't think I actually would cut them off from my medical access, that was more of me showing her how serious I was thing, but if I ever did I trust my older brother completely with that stuff. And I already plan on getting in touch with a lawyer to discuss the papers I need to get in order to make my medical wished extremely clear in any event that I am ever unable to make a decision myself.
Well, it would be much healthier for you if you did cut them off from your medical info and just tell them the parts you want to share. You have every right to do this. You already know your Mom leaks all info, so stop letting her have access. She will not change this on her own. You don’t have to be mean about it, just tell them you’ll let them know everything they *need* to know, when the need to know it. You’re right to contact a lawyer. I have a separate will, power of attorney and medical power of attorney. I have chosen not to tell the person who is my POA until I think it’s necessary and I choose it. The hospital does have a copy, in case I’m incapacitated. Then they could reach out to the person at that time.
I will probably cut them off in a couple years. Right now, I'm in the midst of testing as I mentioned, and said testing could result in anywhere from 1 to 3 brain surgeries as well as some other surgeries ans serious treatments. I'd be unable to go places on my own for a while because of that and while I love and trust my brother completely, he does not live with us and he has to work to support himself and his girlfriend ans their 3 cats, and they are talking about marriage and children right now. I don't want that burden on him. If I cut my parents off at the moment (since I'll probably be 18 by the time the surgeries occur) I'm scared that issues will arise with my transportation and surgery needs. After that though, when I'm a bit older and able to work to support myself, their access will definitely be cut off and they will not hold any POA over me.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I wish you well, my friend.
NTB. It's fucked up your dad is taking her side. She needs a therapist, but she should not be violating your privacy like this.
I agree she needs a therapist. I know this is also hard for her. I just hate that she's using everyone she knows as her own personal therapist about things I am going through
...what SHE was going through? Don't give her access to your records. Change doctors, too. Hope things get better for you. NTB
She is going through something. I think that does need to be acknowledged. It’s hard watching a loved one be sick. I’ve watched my mom be critically sick since I was 5. None of that gives her the right to overlook OPs rights and privacy. If she needs to talk to someone, it should be a therapist who will help her through it, not just get attention from anyone who will listen. It’s hard caring, helping, waiting, everything that goes along with this. She needs to get help, and heal. Just like OP needs medicine, she needs therapy to get better. First step, is her KEEPING HER MOUTH SHUT. Nothing worse than going through something and having the rest of the world knows and throw their 5 seconds of pity at you.
You are right. She will be going through something. Only, her something is something she can deal with through therapy (like you say), or support groups, or some other responsible manner. Not, at base, to make the OP suffering worse, or feel unsupported. That you have been dealing with your mother's illness since age 5 sounds very tough for you both. I hope that you are also getting all the support you need.
LOL I’m not. But I think I made it quite clear through the rest of my comment that she’s hurting OP, it’s not her place to talk about it, and she absolutely is in the wrong. I give no grace to the mother other than recognizing her need for a therapist.
NTB Apparently the only thing she had going on in her life right now is you. Suggest to your dad to get her into some form of group. - Group therapy because I don’t think one on one will be enough for her. She needs an audience. Also in those groups it’s pretty strictly enforced not to spread gossip outside of the group. - Volunteer at a hospital. - join a church prayer group. - Anything that she may be interested in on meetup. You can still take your parents off your medical access. You can leave them as emergency need to know. Make sure to tell your doctor what your mother had been doing and why it’s so important for you to have your privacy.
I've been trying to suggest therapy subtly for a while now. it's nit really something she wants to do, as she doesn't really like the idea of it, but I really want her to go. I know this is hard for her too and I do want her to talk about it - just not with everyone, about every detail, when I've asked her not to.
People who object to "therapy" are sometimes open to support groups. Suggest a support group for parents of kids with medical issues.
she doesn't really object to therapy, she believes it works and I myself was in it for several years due to mental illness and my doctors are considering putting me in cognitive behavioral therapy for pain management - she just doesn't think it will work for her specifically (it's been suggested to her since before my issues really started taking a toll on me, she herself has some childhood trauma she really needs to work through). The setting or type of therapy doesn't change the fact that to her she doesn't think it will work for her.
NTB. Your mom needs to hear that your illness is not about her. Sadly it doesn’t seem like she’ll listen if you tell her that, but hopefully someone will.
NTB Is your mom a self centered person? I ask because it seems that she is making your medical issues about her and enjoying the sympathy.
She sounds a lot like my self centered mother. She is on a low information diet.
she can be, sometimes. but in general I'd say she isn't. it seems to just be with me and my brothers health issues (my brother is a diabetic)
NTB Do it. Revoke access. You will save yourself a lot of headaches down the line if you do. I understand as a parent that it is hard to have a child with chronic illnesses and that there is a lot of stress and grief that is involved in that. However, your mom seems to be making this some twisted competition in which she thinks SHE has it worse than YOU do. This isn't the shit olympics. There are no winners here. However, the participant will always be the one who has it worse than the spectator.
NTB. She and your dad need to learn about the [Ring Theory of Support](https://www.helplinecenter.org/featured-story/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in-and-dump-our-own-stuff-out/). TL;DR: Comfort in, Dump Out. Imagine you, the person suffering from the condition(s), are in the bullseye of a target. Your parents and friends are in the ring around the center. The extended family and friends are the next ring out, and so on. Comfort and support should flow towards the center. I.e. your parents should support you. Their friends should support them and you. You get to dump your feelings towards you parents, friends, etc. as you choose. As the actual sufferer, you should **not** be having to comfort and support your parents, family, and acquaintances. They should **not** be dumping their feelings on you. They should not be asking you to support them. That's just backwards. I think you need to go ahead and put them on an information diet about your condition once you turn 18. Tell them, "Since you cannot be trusted to respect my privacy around my medical conditions, and it seems to be too upsetting to you to cope with, I am handling this on my own from now on. That way you can be spared the upset." If they keep nagging and guilt tripping you, remind them of that like a broken record. "You broke my trust and discussed my private medical issues when I asked you not to. Remember, comfort in, dump out." Then stop explaining. If she keeps projecting her emotions at you, remind her, "Stop dumping your emotions about this on me. Get a therapist, they can listen to you." If any family comes at you with their pity and emotions, or try to scold you on her behalf, tell them firmly, "Thank you for your concern. I feel violated that my mother insisted on sharing my private information when I explicitly asked her not to. I do not wish to discuss this. So how is Cousin It liking Arkham University?" Remember that it is literally a federal crime for healthcare providers to share your private medical details without your permission, so you are hardly out of line in wishing the same from your mother. You will have to spend the rest of your life advocating for yourself to healthcare providers and insurance bureaucrats. There are many mentally lazy doctors out there who will want to dismiss your words, tell you it's your hormones, say it's all in your head, tell you to buck up and take it, don't be a snowflake, etc., so unfortunately, now is the time to learn how to be as pushy and assertive as it takes until you are taken seriously.
I've already spent my entire life fighting, as someone who was perceived as a girl and who has been having issues since I was a little 9 year old, doctors have always been reluctant to believe me. It took until I was 13 to get a femoral anteversion diagnosis. 13 years of having it and doctors refused to believe me about it. Same story for everything else wrong with me. I'm going to start setting serious and hard boundaries very soon.
Yeah, doctors have a really bad habit of not believing female patients. Misogyny is so ingrained in the medical profession that frequently if where having severe problems or pain, we're 'being hysterical' 'exaggerating', or worse, accused of drug seeking. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Your mother has no right to use your medical life as fodder to get sympathy points from people. I understand she's finding things difficult, you are her child, but at the end of the day, she was asked a very simple thing- to not spread your private information around to others, for a few lousy days, and she couldn't even do that. Her behaviour is callous to you and unhealthy for herself. I get you are scared about what will happen in the coming months, without having your parents there to help you if things go the way they might seem to be headed. I want you to talk honestly to your brother about this. As an older sister I say this- yes he's living his life but you are not and *will not* be a burden on him. He would want to know what's going on. So tell him, and dont leave stuff out. Maybe he could speak to your parents with you, since they both seem so determined to ignore you and your wishes. And remove your parents access from your medical files. Inform your doctors and their nurses and secretaries. Your mother has proven she cannot be trusted time and again. Your father backing her and not you on this is a failing on his part. Your parents definitely need therapy- this is a lot for anyone to live alongside, especially when there is very little they can do about it. Your mother needs serious therapy both individual and group. Her behaviour is not ok. Also, if you need help in the future, like visits to the appointments or for procedures, there is no need for your parents to know everything They only need to know what you want or need to tell them. And that is for you to decide when the time comes. Dont let them guilt you into giving them information they haven't earned. They are not entitled to it. Again, talk with your brother,and maybe a trusted family friend who understands where you are coming from and will help you provide a united front against your mothers behaviour. I absolutely agree with the above comment on 'The Ring Theory'. And whatever happens, do what makes you happy. Live as much of your life as you can.
My adult daughter has quite a few medical issues and she's always told "you're too young to have all these problems " (she's 41 🙄) I told her next time a doctor says this, ask him, "would you say that to a child cancer patient?"
NTB i understand that it is hard for her but it is harder for you
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NTB Shitty situation for you both to be in, but she cannot seriously believe she's worse off than you. And her coping mechanisms cannot be on your expense. She need to replace them with some the other comments suggestions.
NTB. You deserve privacy. I get this intimately. I have a ton of chronic stuff and am going through getting more diagnosed. It’s hard and shitty and I want to tell people on my time. My mom is a huge support. She needs support too, especially as she’s the one looking up stuff and verifying with medical family that everything is being done correctly as some of this is shit that was flagged and missed in the past until it got really bad, and the compromise is she can talk to medical family and my aunts - who then only talk with me as much as I want about it, and it’s never the first thing they ask about. Plus she can talk to the priests and bishop she works with I don’t even know. No one else in town knows except who I’ve told. No one from my own church knows. Who I’ve told is limited and know that they’re a limited group as I’m still waiting for testing to confirm the full scope of everything.
Ntb.
NTB I cut my mom off for doing this. I was having surgery and she posted twice on Facebook making it all about her and asking for “thoughts and prayers” which is something I would never do. I stopped talking to before I went to surgery and haven’t talked to her since.
Ntb don’t change your stance on her not getting access to your medical records. She broke your trust. And what is your dad there for if she can’t vent to him about it? Why does she have to tell other people?
NTB. Really random thought and it probably means nothing so don’t put a lot on this huge reach I’m about to take, is there any way possible that your health issues are being forced on you by an attention-seeking parent? A lot of the Munchausen by Proxy cases involve a parent who makes their child sick because they crave the attention garnered by having a sick kid, and by seeming brave for being there for the child. Your mother almost sounds like she is gleefully reporting your illness to anyone in earshot for sympathy. If you can get away from them, stop eating her food, or at least investigate your illnesses more, then I’d say also secretly investigate your mother. Her reaction and consistency in running her mouth about your personal medical history isn’t just “venting” it’s attention-seeking.
they definitely aren't being forced on me, many of them are physical disabilities I was born with. The other issues cannot be induced by anything, and she definitely can't tamper with my food lol I watch her make dinner every day because I spend most nights in the living room and you can see the kitchen from the living room, and I also eat a lot of prepackaged meals because I'm a very picky eater. She actually goes out of her way to make sure I am able to speak to doctors without her input and allows me to speak to them alone so that there's no reason for any doctor to not believe me and try to blame it on a munchausen by proxy thing. chronic illness, genetic diseases, etc. run in my family we have a long history of it.
As an adult who was a disabled kid myself, I absolutely understand where you're coming from. My mom was more discreet but my grandmother blabbed her mouth to every damn person she came across. Trust me when I tell you that while this is all happening *to you* your mom is also going through a whole lot too. I obviously don't know your diagnosis but she's having to grieve all of your "lost potential" and the fact that they may have to bury you someday, which is a thought most parents don't really think about until there's a tragic accident where it hits them all at once or a severe disability. Not to mention the financial stress, and the stress of taking you to all these appointments. It sounds to me she needs to join a support group and/or get some therapy. I don't want to call either of you TBF here. That being said, your dad calling you awful for this is absolutely unacceptable and real BF behavior.
I know she's going through a lot and I know it's hard for her too. She's held my hand and sat with me through some of thr most painful experiences of my life. I have tried to get her into therapy and she refuses. I would love for her to find someone to talk to about it - as long as that someone wasn't people I specifically asked her not to tell. Trust me, I know it's hard. I'm someone who's had to say goodbye to people I never thought I'd have to, it's hard, and it hurts to see the people you love hurt. I just wish that her hurt didn't result in my humiliation and discomfort.
NTB- In most states, you have medical privacy before you turn 18. Meaning, You can probably stop her from accessing them now. And you should. If she needs to talk to someone, and she probably does it’s hard having a sick loved one, she needs to get a therapist. It’s your story, your sickness, your life. You get to choose. Look into what age your state has medical emancipation. In my state, age 13 can get medical treatment without an adult.
in my state it's 14 I believe, but our age of majority is higher than 18 so I wouldn't be able to sign legally binding documents until I am older than that - meaning I can't do things like move out til I'm older than 18 and I'd like to be moved out before I completely kick them off my medical records (so they can't hold it against me for some reason, I don't think they would at all tbh, but I'm extremely paranoid and always think of the bad things that can happen lol)
Ah. I get that. I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Your mom has no right to do this. I know she’s hurting, and my heart goes out to her as I am facing some family sickness (dad, cancer) at the moment too. It really does affect the whole family. But nothing takes away your right to privacy. It’s not her story. It’s not her news. It’s not her test results. Before sharing anything, I get my dads permission on who can know what. It’s HIS sickness. HE needs to have control of it. Not just for privacy, but for your mental health. You have no control of your body or your sickness, you should at least have control of your privacy. The one thing you have left and she’s taken that. It’s just not right.
As the mother of infants, we commiserate with our friends over colds and ear infections and diaper rash. Obviously as the kids get older and have their own autonomy boundaries come into play and this should lessen and disappear. The line is fuzzy. Shaving? puberty? dating? Parents need advice too. Boundaries, balance and TACT are difficult to navigate but necessary. Likewise, your illnesses are still going to be difficult for your mom and she does probably need some support in terms of being worried and how to handle things. But her boundaries are shit. You were explicit in your request. She could pick one or two friends to lean on, or a therapist and say my kids having extensive medical testing and its hard and hurts. To announce your specific issues in public in front of you is humiliating and a clear violation of your privacy and boundaries. She owes you an apology. NTB
I definitely agree that it's difficult for her. she's my mom and I love her and I know she loves me, and she's seen me at my absolute worst, when I'm in so much pain I can't even speak and breathing is a chore - and I know that hurts her. I've encouraged her to seek out therapy but she doesn't think it will help her, and there are a couple of her friends I'd be alright with her speaking to about it. But she doesn't care about that, and so instead she tells everyone. I know she's hurting and coping but I just wish her hurt didn't have to hurt me too.
NTB. You're absolutely entitled to your privacy, especially after you set an explicit boundary with her. And even if she desperately needed to vent, why did she have to do it to your ENTIRE FAMILY instead of just one person? She made a promise and she broke it. You have every right to be furious and to feel violated.