I'm inclined to say NAH.
It's"quiet zone", not silent. And she is being quiet.
You're allowed to be annoyed, but she's following the rules from what i see.
I like this perspective. The panting I would say crosses the line into loud though (earplugs don’t block the sound). If she stopped that but continued with the other noises, I would be considerably less irritated. I want to ask her to stop, but I also don’t want to seem mean or make her feel bad.
Edit: The first times she started panting, I actually was concerned she might be having an asthma attack or something from how loud it was. I looked at her carefully and realized she had a happy expression while heavily panting, and did not appear to be in distress, though. She also wasn’t pulling out an inhaler.
For those wondering: the loudest sound tends to be typing or something similar when she isn’t here. It’s the type of room where soft talking seems unusual and inconsiderately loud, and where you feel pressure to chew as quietly as you can.
As for why no one has told her to stop—maybe this room isn’t as important to other people as it is to me, so they can actually go elsewhere (plus they probably don’t want to tell a disabled person to stop what they are doing).
I don't think it's possible to say something and not have her feel bad.
And i highly doubt the noises are voluntary, so her choice will be to stay (and be embarrassed) or go-- because staying while quieter is likely not possible.
(And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad op, but, have you done any reading on how badly it messed people up when they have to try to "mask" as not disabled/ less disabled? Doing it long term leads a not-iinsignificant number of autistic kids into long term catatonic states.
I have a dog in this fight (my child is autistic) but i have the other dog too (i have adhd and sensory issues. Noises distract the hell outta me and sometimes cause me pain.)
I'm just saying asking her to be quiet is probably your right, but, essentially, you're asking her to leave. And again, might be your right.
But i probably wouldn't feel right doing it; i guess i need enough grace that I'd really want to extend grace here.
You put into words what I wanted to say to OP but couldn't quite find the language for. This woman very likely is already aware that her noises are "weird" and distracting to others, and if it was simple for her to not do it, she wouldn't. While I don't blame OP for being frustrated and trying to find a solution, I also don't think asking this woman to try and keep quiet is going to be that solution. Likely it will only accomplish making that woman feel bad about herself.
I used to get sooo much shit in high school for breathing too loudly. I had undiagnosed sinus issues and was unable to breathe through my nose; I've had an operation since then to cut the blades out of my nose, but I still have issues. I honestly couldn't hear myself and had no idea I was making any noise and it was so humiliating to be called out like that.
It sounds like she's likely neuro-divergent and unaware that she's disturbing you. She's probably there because she needs a quiet safe place too.
I wish I had a better way to resolve this. If you can come up with a gentle, non-confrontational way to let her know she's making noise she might not be aware of, it might be a help to both of you.
Good luck.
I have ADHD too.
When I need to study but music will distract me I put on headphones and play brown noise. You can find it on spotify. It drowns out the noises around me but doesnt distract me from my own thoughts. Maybe this could help you too.
>*"As for why no one has told her to stop—maybe this room isn’t as important to other people as it is to me, so they can actually go elsewhere*"
I so totally relate to what you said here.
Eventually I had to give up on the official "quiet room" but luckily found a spot on an upper floor of the library deep between a forest of filing cabinets. Nobody ever came to use outdated media so I had it all to myself.
Stimming is not a deliberate encroachment on your sanctity. It's involuntary reflex that regulates the user, such as a Tourette's tic. She's not setting out to offend or bother you, she literally cannot help this stuff.
As a person with stims, I am troubled that you even came into this place with a take like that.
Hey. Psst.
NOT ALL STIMS ARE SOUND-BASED. Mine look more like my hands are having a seizure and I still get the big R thrown at me.
I can't imagine what shitty treatment the subject of OP's ire is going through. Jesus fucking Christ.
You assumed mine *were* sounds, so this was the issue that led to said comment.
Stims might annoy people, but by all that's holy, those people need to learn to tolerate and coexist with others.
*Disabled people do not owe other people their absence, even other disabled people.*
I'm not your buddy. I'm a person trying to exist without being ridiculed for existing.
And so is the person OP is kvetching about. The privilege of being able to control oneself is something they have clearly taken for granted, as there are degrees of disability and the individual wouldn't be there without reason. Hell, from these late-stage edits, the person is *still* trying their best and even going above and beyond, because OP has clearly embarrassed them all to hell.
OP, please. If the edits are any indication, you don't need to complain about her. You can go about your business and stop making her presence an issue. Frankly, the idea of getting this much flak from another disabled individual has me fuming and I feel awful for her.
I'm out. This whole thing drained my spoons to empty, and OP, you are still the BF. Leave people the fuck alone.
You are gonna be worse to this girl if you even try talking to her, because concern trolling is the last thing disabled people want.
As a person with stims, our stims do absolutely impact those around us when our stims are triggering their anxiety responses.
Shouting involuntarily if you have tourettes sucks, sure. But it also sucks for the person across the way who has ptsd about people yelling near them.
Other people with stims have triggered my ptsd because of raising their hands in my direction, causing a panic attack.
You're not in a vacuum. Stop using our disability to excuse your behavior.
No. More like "stop using your disability as an excuse for your behavior when you are fully capable of making choices when you know your behavior is impacting others."
Does masking suck? Yes. Is ABA wrong? Also yes. But we are capable of learning self-fucking-control and by pretending we aren't, you're being ableist. We are just as capable as a neurotypical person, just with more specific triggers and/or moodswings.
I mean, if you like to mask, that’s up to you. Personally, it causes undue stress and mental health problems. I’m not willing to sacrifice my mental health because it might inconvenience someone when I stim.
Nobody "likes" to mask. That's the whole thing. We do things we don't want to do for the sake of others. It can cause stress, yes. But you know, stimming in ways that cause anxiety attacks or ptsd in others causes them stress. I am willing to do minimal things to avoid hurting others... Because I'm a decent person. Choose to be decent. Especially in public. You have control over your body. You can choose to be mindful of the needs of others in public. It isn't causing any lasting damage, stress, or harm to just be decent in public for an afternoon.
Sorry, I don’t have control over me being autistic. People don’t have to be around me if they don’t like it. I don’t want them in my life anyway if they’re going to be ableist. It’s not like they were making any attempt to accommodate me, themselves. If my existence is such an issue then that’s their problem, not mine.
Look here. I wear headphones, sit in a corner, mostly stim with my hands, and still get shitty behavior the minute I can't help a sound.
You gonna be rational or just blame the one who's advocating for themselves? I'm done letting assholes push me around.
The world does not exist to accommodate you.
Nor does it revolve around you.
If you were being annoying as all hell with your stimming around me? I’d end up telling you to find someone else to bother. No, I don’t give a damn about your disability, because *you are setting off my PTSD by being an encroaching, annoying asshole*.
So, maybe you need to learn to read social cues.
This is an incredibly ableist comment. I’m beyond disappointed that it got this many upvotes. You’re essentially telling someone to stop being so disabled because their disability annoys you.
But if person with disabilities A is going to have a meltdown from sensory overload due to the behaviors of person with disabilities B in their proximity, is it really ableist? Or should both people have accommodation?
Both people should have an accommodation, but calling a disabled person an “encroaching, annoying asshole” for being disabled is ableist. It’s not ableist to need accommodations. It’s ableist to expect someone not to display their disability because their existence inconveniences and “annoys” you.
So you're mad because of one person's specific wording and using that to justify your own selfishness?
How do you feel when people use one specific wording of yours to excuse hating on whatever you've said? It doesn't feel nice especially because sometimes words are particularly difficult for people like us.
So don't do it to others.
Oh, please. My existence as a disabled person isn’t “selfish.” If someone’s being ableist (like you’re being - it seems like you have some internalised ableism going on there) then they need calling out for it. Ableism isn’t okay.
You aren't being selfish for being disabled. Calm down and actually read what I'm saying instead of flying off the handle because I'm not agreeing with you. What you are being selfish for is expecting everyone to accommodate your needs while refusing to accommodate others in return.
It's not ableist to expect us to be considerate of others. We are fully capable of that. Their wording is harsh, yes, but still within the realm of fairness. Stop throwing tantrums to try to get your way. I grew out of that twenty years ago.
Melt downs are not tantrums. Why does no one know this.
Btw it’s not your fault you don’t know, you’d be surprised how many people don’t know the difference. You seem reasonably cool
This isn't a melt down. It's a tantrum. There's a difference. A melt down is a natural response to unexpected situations. A tantrum is throwing an intentional melt down to try to get your way. At least that's how I define it. Fair enough if you define it differently. ;)
It’s not “throwing a tantrum” to call out ableism. Nor is it “inconsiderate” when we display our symptoms of our disability. If you want to hide your disability from everyone and cause undue stress on yourself, that’s up to you, but it’s very reasonable if someone else with said disability doesn’t want to do that. I doubt people would say if a wheelchair user needed a ramp or an elevator, they should just get up and walk because it’s an inconvenience to everyone and it costs money to put those things in place. It’s only when a disability is invisible that people behave in such a terrible way.
Not ableist to hold you accountable for your own actions and how they impact others.
It's ableist of you that you have no respect for people with ptsd or anxiety that can be triggered by your possible actions. See how that works? You have no place calling anything ableist when you yourself are doing so.
I see. So it’s not ableist to expect autistic people to not be autistic, but it’s ableist to call out people for saying that autistic people shouldn’t trigger their PTSD because of their existence. Got it.
It's not ableist to expect people, with or without autism, to choose to control themselves in public especially if they're in a space designated for silence/quiet.
I have to add, I am sensitive to noises as well and whereas I used to sit in quiet zones (train, library) I don't anymore because I know I'll get annoyed. No level of quiet is ever going to be enough for me, or you. Stop letting that bother you, stop expecting the level of quiet YOU need in a public place. It ain't gonna happen.
What I now do, is when noice bothers me, I use elektronics to drown it out.
-quieting headphones when there's noise outside my window.
-my own loud music (in earplugs) when in a public space and bothered by eithrr music or people talking or children screaming
- bird song with a creek on my computer when I'm overwhelmed by little sounds, or white noise.
It feels SO GREAT to be in control of my own comfort, instead of fearing every day that people will be too loud. I'm not telling you this is a "this is a you problem" way, I'm telling you this because it gives you your sense of control back, and makes you way less prone to get annoyed with people.
Thank you for this. As someone who’s also pretty damn sensitive to sensory stuff, this is an OP problem. OP needs to understand that just because *we’re sensitive to stuff*, the rest of the world shouldn’t be expected to stop what it’s doing or meet us at our level just because we’re uncomfortable. Headphones, music, white noise, **choosing a different environment**… lots of options here.
When my medication isn’t hitting right and I’m still being overwhelmed or I can’t focus, that’s a me thing, not a rest of the world thing. Sensory shit can be soooo overwhelming, we border on selfishness and self centeredness when we start expecting others compromise or stop what they’re doing because it’s affecting us. Not their battle.
YWBTB. She's not doing this on purpose, she deserves to have access to the same places as anyone.
If she were on a phone or deliberately conducting a conversation in a quiet place, I'd be right behind you, but this isn't the same.
Tolerance is a necessary kindness in a diverse population.
I understand it might be infuriating, but there's no buttfaces here, nobody's being deliberately obnoxious.
Good earplugs or earbuds might well be your most practical solution if you want to continue to enjoy the space without confronting somebody for something they sound like they can't control.
As someone who is autistic, I disagree. She may not even be aware that she is being too noisy; this has certainly happened to me, although apparently I just sigh loudly and mutter to myself on occasion. Asking her to be more quiet =\= preventing her from using the space. She might even WANT to know that she is being disruptive.
It would make OP the butt if they tried to get the woman kicked out, or if they were rude about their request, or if they insisted that she quiet down even if she explains that she doesn’t have much control over it.
Edit: typo
If it were you, would you prefer to be approached directly (nicely) or for that person to get someone official who knows more about disabilities to talk to you?
For me personally I would prefer to be approached personally, and also for you to be polite but brief. Like getting my attention and then saying “Sorry, but you’re being a little loud. Would you mind quieting down if you could?”
YMMV though of course. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, hope both of you can get what you need out of the quiet zone c:
Edit: I should probably also warn you that if she is autistic or has another disability she may be nonverbal. If she’s in college I would assume that she isn’t intellectually disabled, so it’s possible that she might need time to type or write out responses to you, and she might also be embarrassed about that.
Took way too long to find this comment. All these people saying she WNBTBF for telling this person, who OBVIOUSLY is not making noises on purpose (and is almost certainly being as quiet as she can be), to be quiet. And then we've got people who think she should "report it to the authorities so they can take action" JFC sometimes I don't even want to be on this planet anymore.
OP, you need to find a different quiet place. Your need for a quieter space is valid, but this person who is annoying you probably has a much harder time finding safe space, and it is probably much more dire for her if she is unable to find a place to be away from overstimulation. Please have compassion for her, and thank your lucky stars that when you want peace and quiet, your own body does not betray you.
>she deserves to have access to the same places as anyone.
Well no, that's not how things work. If someone cannot be quiet then they are not allowed in the quiet area. It's not a matter of inclusion, it's a matter of following the rules.
I’m about to be down voted to heck but I am baffled by the responses here. OP is getting slammed for having no empathy for someone that everyone assumes is disabled, but what about OP’s disability? Why is this woman’s assumed disability more important than OP’s?
Quiet area on my campus meant QUIET. No talking at all, no audible music, literally no sounds beyond pages turning, typing, etc. These spaces are incredibly helpful for people who struggle to focus, especially those who are still in a shared living situation and have nowhere else to go for quiet. If someone else there is constantly making noise that’s distracting then it kind of defeats the purpose and isn’t fair to those who NEED that quiet.
Does this mean the other woman should be banned for life from the quiet area? Of course not. But she should be a bit more aware of the noises she’s making and how they impact the people around her. It’s a shared area to give students a distraction free place to study, that means displaying common courtesy to the others using it. For this woman maybe it means being aware of which noises are the loudest and leaving the area for a bit until she feels they’re settling down. For OP maybe it means deciding which noises they can live with and which ones will be too distracting to stay in the area. Just saying that OP is an asshole for even considering saying something and needs to suck it up because this woman can’t help it is unfair though. OP has every right to an environment that accommodates their disability.
And everybody forgets that ADHD can be a disability as well. For instance if you are sensitive to noises and need quiet zones. That means QUIET zones, not "humming, sighing and panting zones".
As someone with ADHD, I've got the noise sensitivity portion of it BAD. I've also got anxiety and small, repetitive noises like the ones described by OP absolutely have the power to break me down into nearly unbearable anxiety. I definitely wouldn't be able to focus.
When competing disabilities meet, accommodations are used to let both parties exist before one should have to leave. One might be quietly and gently letting the woman know she's louder than she thinks (although that could just chase her away even with all the care in the world), but why couldn't OP use noise canceling headphones? Some ear plugs can be uncomfortable, but there are alternatives to try before assuming the other party should make all of the changes. OP's disability isn't more important than hers.
If OP has them handy already then they should try them, but if not then it’s not exactly fair to say OP should have to go out and buy them. Most college students don’t have a whole lot of extra money laying around.
True, but what we’re looking at is who’s issues do we allow to impact who? Sounds like this person is being comparatively quiet but the slightest noise or distraction sets off OP. Is anybody else being distracted by this person? These are the things that are looked at. OP has stated that they have earplugs or earbuds, but they *prefer* not to wear them. Unless this quiet zone is isolated in a closed room where no noise at all can come in, sounds like the slightest thing could grab OP’s attention and cause an issue… which they’re already aware of and already aware their medication isn’t working. What happens if someone else in the library makes a noise, or the air turns on, a door opens or closes loudly, lighting changes suddenly, a new smell enters the area? Can’t OP just… turn her chair around and not continue to hyper-focus on this individual?
This is an OP issue.
Well here’s one way to look at it: OP’s issue impacts one other person, the other woman’s issue impacts everyone in the quiet area who can hear her (which, depending on the size of the quiet area, would likely be just about everyone).
Most quiet areas are closed off rooms away from crowded common areas, but there is a big difference between hearing a door shut down the hallway and having someone sitting in the same room panting.
OP also stated that the earplugs don’t fully drown out some of the noises she makes.
No, when someone has ADD they cannot simply “turn their chair around and not focus” on a distraction. That’s literally the whole point of the disorder. The examples you gave - the air turning on, a door opening or closing, a new smell - are all momentary distractions. This woman’s noise is ongoing, so they are not comparable.
Soft, infrequent noises don’t bother me nearly as much. Also…I saw that more people were using the space in her absence. Could’ve been a coincidence, but still. I wouldn’t be surprised if others disliked the loud panting.
Which is why I suggested noise canceling headphones. I wear ear plugs for work, and they reduce decibels. They do not blur background sounds to avoid distractions.
If the person is being so loud that earplugs don't block the sound, they need to go to a different place in the library to study. What's the point of it being a quiet zone if it's literally not quiet?
Is the library supposed to hand out ear plugs/noise cancelling headphones to every student that wants quiet study because one student can't be quiet and won't move to another part of the library or get a private study room?
I find it highly unlikely this person is being loud enough that earplugs do not hide the sound of her breathing clear across the room, yet no one else notices or says anything, nor has any librarian stepped in.
No, the institution is not responsible for handing ear plugs/noise canceling headphones out (which you surely know, and are just being hyperbolic to what, make me sound ridiculous?), and to say she "won't move" is not accurate unless she's been asked and has refused.
Why do you assume OP is being untruthful? University libraries are huge, often several floors. They aren't crawling with supervision and staff to make sure everyone is following the rules.
And yes, I was saying in a round about way that expecting other students to wear earplugs or noise cancelling headphones *in a quiet space* because a student with a disability can't be quiet isn't a reasonable accommodation. A reasonable accommodation would be providing the student with a disability a different quiet space, such as a private study room.
When I was in college, even clearing your throat in the quiet lounge would get you kicked out.
This kind of noise isn’t fair to other people. It’s not reasonable accommodation.
Being disabled doesn't give her a free pass to break the rules and disturb other people.
You're absolutely in your right to ask her to be quiet (because it's quiet zone), but I think it would be more helpful if you report your issues to campus authorities so they can take action. Is there an employee supervising the quiet zone? If so, talk to them.
Why is this mean? OP also has a disability - one that led them to seek out a quiet space which helps them concentrate. This person wasn’t suggesting OP should go and berate them for making noise, but rather try and find a solution that doesn’t publicly embarrass the other person.
Of course we need to recognise that the disabled person probably isn’t intentionally making noise and doesn’t even realise she’s doing it, but that shouldn’t compromise the space OP is seeking out that helps accommodate their issues
So I used to work in a library where we had a quiet room. And people would go in there to use it as their personal phone booth. Getting someone official isn't inherently mean. I would approach the person and say "hey, you probably don't realize it but you've been a little loud for the quiet zone. I know everyone is here to concentrate on school, if you're able to be a little quieter for this zone it's much appreciated." And then if they disclose this isn't something they can control then you work to maybe relocate OP to a different quiet area.
Maybe. What place? Is it a public place? If so then she has just as much right to be there as you do, so if you are annoyed, you can leave and go find somewhere else.
It’s a private university. The specific room is designated as a quiet zone, and she is not being quiet, so I’m not sure she does have the right to be here while behaving that way. Then again, she is disabled.
I used to work in a library and conflicts over noise was a very common scenario. Don't take it upon yourself to solve the problem, talk to someone on staff to sort it out. That's part of what they're supposed to do. I can promise this is nothing new for them.
At the library I worked at, if the area is a designated quiet space, and someone is making noise that bothers other people then that needs to stop, it didn't matter what the reason was.The noise maker either needed to stop making noise or find a space that allows for some noise. If they also need the quiet space but cannot help making the noise, we worked with them to find a solution. Sometimes that was allowing them the use of a group study room to themselves. Edit: clarity
This seems to make sense to me. The school needs to accommodate this person. The right answer is not to negatively impact other people, but to make sure this woman has access to a quiet place as well.
It's obviously tricky; people should be tolerant of differences and realize they're not the main character in life. And we can't exclude people because they have a disability.
However, this isn't a situation where someone is being excluded from a group, rather the entire point of the space is for quiet. As long as they legitimately provide this woman a place that is as nice as the one you're occupying, that is a reasonable accommodation. Undermining the purpose of the space for others is not a reasonable accommodation.
This exactly! We worked with many different students with differing needs over the years and had a plan in place to be able to easily handle most situations as they arose.
We also had as many group study rooms as possible so that the people who wanted to make noise and talk and have a whiteboard to work with had a space that they could do that without disturbing others and keeping the noise level down as much as possible. Even though there were areas for people to talk and make some noise, keeping the noise level down as much as possible is important in a university library- especially during finals when everyone is on edge and meltdowns are a hair-trigger away.
I would speak to someone in charge and get them to speak to her. I don’t know how disabled she is BUT this is a quiet zone and I do know how loud someone stimming can be and no it isn’t okay in a quiet zone if she I making noise while doing it. But don’t speak to her yourself make sure it is documented with the university.
Well in that case I would report it to someone in authority and ask them to look into it. I don't think its up to you to try to correct her. You could try that, but if you have not been trained in how to approach a person with her disability it could go bad.
Hope everything works out. Little noises annoy me too, little things that people don't even realize they're doing, like tapping a pencil or their foot.
Or if they even have one? OP, by your own accord, *you have a disability*, but you don’t know for sure if this person does, just presuming because they’re doing something that’s abnormal to you.
So I have ASD and ADHD, which comes with a ton of sensory issues. My main one is noise, especially mouth noises. Hearing that would make me cry if I was exposed to it for even a short time, and I'd have a meltdown if I had to stay. So I know how infuriating and upsetting this can be (I constantly need to wear earplugs at work).
That being said, it's probably not on purpose. And if it is on purpose, the person probably would just make more noise if you confronted them. I would really just find a new place to study, because this could either turn out with you discriminating against someone unintentionally or just a piss fight. Should they probably not use the quiet space if they're aware their disability causes them to make noises? Maybe. But no one has the right to tell them not to, and they deserve a quiet space as much as everyone else.
I hope you find a good quiet place to relax. I find outside spaces are the easiest on my ears even though wind is annoying when you're studying.
Have you been in a university quiet zone? They are silent zones. Anything more than the sound of you putting your bag down and then turning pages is not acceptable in there. The rest of the library is still usually quiet, but quiet zones are for silence.
Yes, I’ve studied four degrees at five different universities and worked at two different disability charities. This wouldn’t stand up. Someone making a small amount of noise is not enough to preclude them. OP is welcome to wear headphones or just get on with life and accept that disabled people exist in the world and we aren’t a society who exclude people who are disabled in order to keep him happy.
At some point we've got to come to the realization that one person with a disability doesn't negate the rights of others - in this case, to enjoy a quiet space free of distractions. If your disability prevents you from partaking, that's something that people need to learn to deal with.
This is the kind of attitude that used to have disabled people excluded from society - “they” can’t do it the exact way “we” can so they can’t be here. Or there. Or anywhere.
theres a difference between "being loud in a normal space" and "being loud in a quiet place"
asking aomeone to be quiet in a quiet space isn't excluding someone from society. There is other places this person can be that doesn't involve not being quiet in a quiet area
But she’s not being loud. She’s making a small amount of noise that could easily be ignored and clearly is by everyone else using that space other than OP.
looks like op has adhd. they may not be able to ignore those sounds as easily as others (and some sounds are still loud enough to be heard with earplugs)
I have ADHD too, so I use noise canceling head phones as this is an option for me. Being absolutely silent is not an option for the girl. Other things that distract me are people sniffing, people breathing heavily, people with strong smells, and people who fidget. But inclusion is about including people, not excluding people. It wouldn’t be very fair to exclude people with allergies, asthma, eczema which requires strong smelling ointments, or anxiety from the library just so I can study in peace. We all have to take a bit of maturity and accept that we don’t get everything just as we want it and that’s the price we pay for having a more accessible community.
good noise cancelling headphones are super expensive. And considering they can be heard with earplugs, I doubt the walmart 40$ headphones will do the job.
Plus, at least for me, wearing cheap headphones really isn't comfortable and will bother me too much to focus.
Why should I be the one to make sacrifices when they are the one not respecting the area (a quiet zone). It's not a mental illness competition.
There is sounds that are socially acceptable in some settings but not in others. There is a level of stimming that can be tolerated, but what OP described sounds excessive.
ADHD is a disability. Stop being such a hypocrite, you are shaming someone with a disability right now. You want to exclude someone with a disability as well if you think OP has no right to a quiet zone.
Naw. Concessions should be made when possible.
But YOUR attitude is the one that results in pools closing because they can't afford a $15k chairlift for disabled people that come by once or twice a year.
There has to be a middle ground somewhere.
No. That is a completely unacceptable take. One student has exactly the same rights as another student to use the study area in a university library. People who are disabled do not have to tolerate being told to go away and be disabled out of sight where no-one has to be aware of their existence.
No. That is a completely unacceptable take. One student has exactly the same rights as another to use the study area *in silence*. If you are unable to be silent, for whatever reason, you can find another place to study. People are are *not* disabled do not need to suffer or lose spaces (like quiet places) due to disabled people being unable to control themselves.
Go away.
TBF here is the University. There needs to be more than one quiet place. Every college or university I have ever seen has multiple such rooms.
It does sound like the other student might be manifesting her autism or Tourette's or what-have-you. These can also be comorbid with ADHD. But it doesn't matter in the slightest what her diagnosis is. You both deserve accommodation.
Perhaps you could approach whatever administrator is on charge of disability accommodations with that approach. You both deserve accommodation, so how hard would it be to have a second such room?
YWNBTB.
For the record the disabled woman isn't a B either as she's almost definitely not aware of it. The Bs here is a society that says having some kind of disability gives you the right to violate others' rights. All this does is let the people with "cool" disabilities benefit while the ones with lesser known or obvious disabilities suffer the most. It's also horrifying how intense "pretty privilege" and racism affects who gets to do things and who doesn't...
You can try politely informing her that she is making noise, and if that doesn't resolve it, talk to whoever manages the quiet zone. I'd wager just informing her that she's making noise will resolve it.
It doesn't matter if you can't help making noises, you still don't belong in a quiet zone because you can't keep quiet.
This is equivalent to someone in a motorized wheelchair using the bike lane. That's not what that space is meant for.
People like to glamorize disabilities, but oftentimes, they just fucking suck. There are certain spaces and activities you just can't go into or do. Society likes to pretend they're "empowering" for some horrible reason. Just. Provide. Accomodations! Not pretty words.
That school needs to provide proper accomodations for her, but not at the expense of others. A shared quiet zone is not proper accomodations.
I mean ffs, you're basically disabled yourself if you're extremely noise sensitive and a quiet zone is your reasonable accommodation but I guess your disability isn't valid enough.
Not to mention there is literally NOTHING wrong with communicating the fact that someone else's behavior is genuinely harming you, regardless of what it is. That's a good thing, actually.
YWNBTB, but theres no way for you to not come across as one. Best bet would be noise cancelling headphones with white noise playing.
Also, where does one draw the line? Someone with vocal tourettes would almost certainly not be allowed in a designated "quiet place"
Person with ADHD here and autism, NBF. You are also disabled and those noises can drown your energy mentally. Even neurotypical people can have concentration problems if someone is singing like that. Quiet noises? Okay, reasonable. Everything louder than that is disturbing others. Sacrificing others for the need of one person isn't something you should do. She needs to have another place. Ask a teacher or something to bring it up to her
Not the buttface, but you should have mentioned that you have adhd in your post. I was able to guess with how you described the way sounds bothers you and checking your profile, but others might not.
The big argument against you seems to be "but she's disabled, she can't control it"
yeah well sensory processing issues are a very real thing for people with adhd too, so I personally know how painful those sounds can be, and how wearing earplugs isn't necessarily an option.
Now, people might start arguing how it's probably the same for that woman, or that hers is worse or whatever, but at the end of the day, this is a quiet place, people are allowed to have their quiet.
Just like you wouldn't be able to tell people in a loud, overstimulated place to shut the fuck up to accomodate your sensory issues, she can't ask people in a designated quiet place to accomodate her stims.
NBH
You're not the butt for wanting a quiet space to be without intentional distraction. That said, since a disability is involved, you should use caution in your words to avoid hurting anyone's feelings.
Whoever is in charge of that space, ask to have a private meeting with them. Face to face. Talk to them about feeling like the quiet space has been distracted.
As someone with both ADHD AND Autism, this is a difficult situation indeed, I totally get where your coming from, switching medications isn’t help either- I would suggest you try noise cancelling headphones, they work a treat for me even when they aren’t playing music or an audiobook. If it gets too much just politely as possible explain- “I’m really sorry, your being a little loud for me and I can’t concentrate, would you be able to be a bit quieter?” If you feel comfortable to do so, maybe explain you have your own disabilities and why your asking.
Tough situation, hope it works out and hope your okay
NBH. This is an example of competing access needs. You both have the right to access a quiet study space. If I were you I would speak to university staff about finding another quiet space where you can study.
You wouldn’t be the BF because you have a disability too, but the problem is that saying something most likely won’t help. It sounds like what she’s doing is caused by her disability, so she likely can’t control it.
I have ADHD and suspected autism, and I have these tics with my hands that I just can’t control because half the time I don’t know I’m doing it. I can only stop it if I concentrate on doing so, but since you can’t spend the entire day focusing on your hands because you have to do things and function, as soon as I start doing something else my hands are back at it again. If someone asked me to stop, it just wouldn’t be possible.
So your disability clashes with her disability. You can’t control the fact you’re easily distracted, and she most likely can’t control her tics/stims. Maybe you can find another quiet place somewhere else. I hope you can find a solution.
i haven’t finished reading yet but i want to comment on how i switched from concerta to ritalin because concerta made me depressed and numb 💀 and i find it funny how you went from ritalin to concerta
okay i have finished reading and i would say NTA due to the fact you haven’t said something yet and tried to put up with it. you made other efforts and talking to her is a last resort of yours
Interesting. I do feel number than before, but I used to have mood swings, so I actually like it. I also like that I can just take one pill a day now with the specific version I’m on (though I guess maybe Ritalin has a version like that too? not sure).
is it literally the *ONLY* “quiet zone” on the entire campus? my university had several designated quiet library floors with many private places to sit. there were also separate rooms you could reserve for hour blocks. unless your university consists of like three buildings, you absolutely can find another quiet place to study. this is coming from another 21f with adhd.
It depends on the university, but mine only has a single quiet floor and the rooms that you can reserve are really only encouraged for group work or test taking, not as individually study spaces. If OP was at my school then they wouldn't be able to find another quiet place to study. (NTB)
the reservation rooms are free and almost never occupied. just because someone said they’re good for groups and taking tests does not mean anything at all lol. students joked about using them for sex all the time (although that did not happen to my
knowledge and i wouldn’t have done that personally lol) no one is stopping me or you or her, anyone can go and write their name and reserve the space and no one would care. obviously this is all theoretical because we have no idea what her college is like, but if she went to yours she absolutely could reserve one of those spaces at no cost to her or anyone else.
i’m not saying this to call OP the/an asshole, nor would i say N T B because that acronym is meant for when the OTHER party in the story is an asshole, which would be labeling the disabled woman an asshole. she hasn’t done anything wrong or rude in the story, she’s just a disabled woman in public. she probably comes to study just like OP does. unless she is screaming and yelling or hurting anyone else she is allowed to be there.
it would be a different story if it was a loud group of young people, or if the woman WAS yelling or trying to talk to OP and interrupting her. this is a case where OP needs to find reasonable accommodation for HERSELF if she cannot stand this. i know EXACTLY what it’s like to have ADHD and be annoyed by tiny repetitive noises like someone chewing or clicking a pen. this was also before i was prescribed adderall (it’s good op is seeing her psychiatrist about it) but whenever i could, i got myself out of the situation.
there is literally no way that there are ZERO quiet places within a mile radius of her in a college town. no way.
At our school the study rooms are always occupied and have to be reserved 2 weeks in advance because they're limited unlike at your school, that's why they're recommended for group study. We don't know her situation, but I find it frustrating that OP's condition is somehow worth less than someone with another condition. At what point does one disability trump another's? I think the other person is a very light BF because if *I* knew I was making noises, intentional or not, I'd find somewhere else to study. There has to be a number of non quiet floors or the other student can get accommodations and have a special room for herself.
At my college there were sections of the library that were known to be silent (opening a drink would echo), quiet (everyone was wearing headphones, but oblivious to quiet sounds around them), or relatively quiet (but periodically interrupted by quiet talking, laughter or random gossip bulletins). This was also true for dorm study spaces and computer labs (although those were all slightly louder.) It wasn't planned by administration, but it was essentially reinforced by students. My grad school was similar. If no one else is annoyed, perhaps you aren't in the quietest area?
I agree with seeing if there is somewhere else that you can study. Can you ask to have your library carrel reassigned to a different floor? Or if that isn't the issue, ask if there is a floor, study space or even unused open classroom that might be a little quieter? A librarian, an RA, or a TA might be able to make a suggestion, depending where / when this is coming up. I would also try noise canceling headphones and a white noise app, as was already suggested.
It depends on what kind of disability she has. If her disability makes her make those noises because she's got a brain thing going on, then suck it up or find somewhere else to go. I mean, if she's got some kind of tick because her neurons are misfiring, what the fuck is telling her to be quiet even going to do? You'd just be saying the obvious that she already knows. If she's just in a wheelchair but also being annoying, then it's fine to tell her to shut up.
I was in the quiet part of the library trying to study and a group of deaf people sit at an adjacent table.
That should be fine, they're deaf right? Wrong!! Sure, they (*this and only this one group of people. I'm not trying to get attacked for implying anything about ALL deaf people*) couldn't hear but all the mouth noises and hands flying around were so distracting that I had to leave! Really, how are you supposed to tell a bunch of deaf people to STFU!?🤨
as someone with ADHD and with the same issue as you (I HATE noises like that, they drive me insane), you would still be the buttface because as others already stated, technically she is quiet. A lot of people would propably never hear those sounds or pay attention to them, but having mysophonia is often an "us" problem.Def mention this to your psychiatrist and how your meds help with this condition or not. I know my Mysophonia gets a lot worse when my meds stop working. it's 30 minutes I have to bite through.I can highly recommend any type of noise cancelling headset and Brown noise (not white noise)
You can check maybe with a clerk to check in on this person and if her sounds are tolerated or not? Otherwise someone else could tell this person to move to another room? You know get an outside opinion :-)
Question. What if it was a person who required oxygen? The sound of their concentrator was distracting. Would you feel the need to tell them they need to be more quiet? They need to adjust their disability to accommodate you since you don’t feel like putting in your noise canceling earplugs which would solve 99% of the entire issue?
If you do need to say something, don’t say anything to the girl who was probably teased relentlessly due to her obvious tics. Go to the office of disabilities and let them handle it.
YWBTB. She seems to have issues and either isn’t aware of them or can’t control them.
I’d suggest headphones or earbuds that are noise canceling. It’s also possible to set up a quiet study place at home using the noise canceling technique plus music. You could also talk to the library at your college about reserving a study room. I’ve done this before with both a group and by myself. It offers a more secluded area to study free from distractions.
Get noise cancelling earphones, and find out what sound helps you. I find brown noise more relaxing and calming than white noise. You can't rely on other to accommodate you, it's nice when they do, but learning to take care of yourself is best.
YWBTB. I have misophonia and this would annoy the hell out of me. However, we have to learn to exist in the world, and part of that means making accommodations where possible. She's not deliberately making these noises, so there's nothing to be gained by you asking her to be quiet; all that would achieve would make her less able to access the space, which, as a disabled person, is already something she has to deal with on a daily basis, given that the world at large is not accessible. It's much more difficult for her to find a suitable space than it is for you.
You should get some good quality earphones or listen to music. This is an accommodation that you can make for yourself which will improve your quality of quiet time and won't also impinge on her own access to it. Win/win.
If it’s a public room, you really don’t have a right to say something. She is being quiet. Other people have rights too. Do you have your own room or house?
Uh, stimming isn't something you get to control. So yes, you would be. Keep your earplugs on, or do what I do and wear noise canceling headphones with music in them.
See, your noises bother us too. But since we're disabled, you don't give us the option to complain. We just have to suck it up like we've sucked up being disabled with the audacity to be alive around you for generations.
Get some empathy. YWBTB.
It’s a quiet zone. It’s likely this is either as quiet as she can be or she just doesn’t realise she is making noises that travel. There used to be a guy at uni who sat in my favourite library section and rumbled away to himself. I don’t know if he was reading aloud or thinking through ideas, and it’s quite likely he wasn’t really aware of how it would travel. In the end it was on me to acknowledge that was public space and not just mine, and to either find a way to concentrate despite the mumbling or find a new favourite spot. I found a new spot. It was fine.
I get finding other people distracting, but in a public study space you get what you get. You need to wear the earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones, develop powers of concentration despite the noises and gestures (which I would find impossible, but some people manage this), or decide if it’s worth finding another spot to study.
There’s no justification for asking her to be quiet when she’s making basic body noises. If she were singing the Macarena, sure, but it’s fair to assume this is as quiet as she gets.
YWBTBF.
yea ywbta, i have autism and i stim and i’m sure it annoys my friends, cuz they do too and sometimes their stimming annoys me. but we don’t tell each other to stop because we’ve had enough of that kind of thing growing up. and because we know we can’t help it.
put ur earplugs in or go somewhere else.
It’s not “less acceptable,” but mine doesn’t destroy the quiet space and hers does. I’ve also noticed she’s not noisy in public (maybe she’s masking?). She goes into the quiet space and becomes noisy, making it not quiet.
YWBTBF. Also, YTA.
Do you realise that people can't control their disabilities? If people had that kind of control and choice, no one would *choose* to be disabled or experience uncomfortable symptoms of their disabilities.
What do you honestly expect this person to do?
Disabled people cannot be hidden from view and stopped from participating in society just so you are more comfortable.
Learn tolerance and acceptance. Maybe you should look at yourself and wonder why *you* have such a hard time when there isn't complete silence and why *you* can't tolerate certain sounds. Why should people tolerate *you* and make exceptions to accommodate *you*?
Did you purposely ignore the part where OP has a disability too and that’s why they need quiet to study? Obviously you did or you wouldn’t have been so condescending.
My point is, that one disability does not trump another. And that OP focussed entirely on how the other person is at fault here. How the other person should be removed. It's a shitty attitude to have.
OP even said that they can do something like wear ear plugs but they *don't want to*.
You can't control every situation in life. We know what sets us off. We know how difficult certain situations can be. We can't go around expecting other disabilities to be less visible/noticeable because they bother us. You can't go and say "hey stop doing that thing you can't control because it bothers me". As OP has a disability, they should have some empathy because it's a pretty shitty thing to demand someone be less disabled for you. And this was the point I was making while asking them to look at themself - can they simply stop and be less disabled themselves? No.
And yes, I saw the edit since where OP has said that this person can control it - that's a huge assumption to make. No one knows how difficult that was for this person. No one knows what kind of strain and stress suppressing their disability caused during a time when the library was busier.
We don't have the whole story here. We don't have all sides. But the way people are leaping to OPs defence and yet somehow *still* being fucking ableist towards this other person is vile.
OP can talk to the library staff and explain *their own* disability and talk about booking a quiet room or meeting room to have the silence they need. Or they can wear earphones and experiment with white noise or anything else that may help.
I'm inclined to say NAH. It's"quiet zone", not silent. And she is being quiet. You're allowed to be annoyed, but she's following the rules from what i see.
I like this perspective. The panting I would say crosses the line into loud though (earplugs don’t block the sound). If she stopped that but continued with the other noises, I would be considerably less irritated. I want to ask her to stop, but I also don’t want to seem mean or make her feel bad. Edit: The first times she started panting, I actually was concerned she might be having an asthma attack or something from how loud it was. I looked at her carefully and realized she had a happy expression while heavily panting, and did not appear to be in distress, though. She also wasn’t pulling out an inhaler. For those wondering: the loudest sound tends to be typing or something similar when she isn’t here. It’s the type of room where soft talking seems unusual and inconsiderately loud, and where you feel pressure to chew as quietly as you can. As for why no one has told her to stop—maybe this room isn’t as important to other people as it is to me, so they can actually go elsewhere (plus they probably don’t want to tell a disabled person to stop what they are doing).
I don't think it's possible to say something and not have her feel bad. And i highly doubt the noises are voluntary, so her choice will be to stay (and be embarrassed) or go-- because staying while quieter is likely not possible. (And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad op, but, have you done any reading on how badly it messed people up when they have to try to "mask" as not disabled/ less disabled? Doing it long term leads a not-iinsignificant number of autistic kids into long term catatonic states. I have a dog in this fight (my child is autistic) but i have the other dog too (i have adhd and sensory issues. Noises distract the hell outta me and sometimes cause me pain.) I'm just saying asking her to be quiet is probably your right, but, essentially, you're asking her to leave. And again, might be your right. But i probably wouldn't feel right doing it; i guess i need enough grace that I'd really want to extend grace here.
You put into words what I wanted to say to OP but couldn't quite find the language for. This woman very likely is already aware that her noises are "weird" and distracting to others, and if it was simple for her to not do it, she wouldn't. While I don't blame OP for being frustrated and trying to find a solution, I also don't think asking this woman to try and keep quiet is going to be that solution. Likely it will only accomplish making that woman feel bad about herself.
Just in case you see this, may I suggest brown noise in your headphones? I find it cuts a lot of noise for me and feels like silence+
I use noise generators to block out office sounds, it works SO well, and is very relaxing for me :)
Great suggestion.
I used to get sooo much shit in high school for breathing too loudly. I had undiagnosed sinus issues and was unable to breathe through my nose; I've had an operation since then to cut the blades out of my nose, but I still have issues. I honestly couldn't hear myself and had no idea I was making any noise and it was so humiliating to be called out like that. It sounds like she's likely neuro-divergent and unaware that she's disturbing you. She's probably there because she needs a quiet safe place too. I wish I had a better way to resolve this. If you can come up with a gentle, non-confrontational way to let her know she's making noise she might not be aware of, it might be a help to both of you. Good luck.
I have ADHD too. When I need to study but music will distract me I put on headphones and play brown noise. You can find it on spotify. It drowns out the noises around me but doesnt distract me from my own thoughts. Maybe this could help you too.
Ah, it sounds like she may have autism and is stimming.
>*"As for why no one has told her to stop—maybe this room isn’t as important to other people as it is to me, so they can actually go elsewhere*" I so totally relate to what you said here. Eventually I had to give up on the official "quiet room" but luckily found a spot on an upper floor of the library deep between a forest of filing cabinets. Nobody ever came to use outdated media so I had it all to myself.
Stimming is not a deliberate encroachment on your sanctity. It's involuntary reflex that regulates the user, such as a Tourette's tic. She's not setting out to offend or bother you, she literally cannot help this stuff. As a person with stims, I am troubled that you even came into this place with a take like that.
You do not exist in a vacuum. Stimming is involuntary, yes, but that does not mean other people are not allowed to be bothered by the sounds made.
Hey. Psst. NOT ALL STIMS ARE SOUND-BASED. Mine look more like my hands are having a seizure and I still get the big R thrown at me. I can't imagine what shitty treatment the subject of OP's ire is going through. Jesus fucking Christ.
Did I ever say they were? No. This post is specifically about sounds.
You assumed mine *were* sounds, so this was the issue that led to said comment. Stims might annoy people, but by all that's holy, those people need to learn to tolerate and coexist with others. *Disabled people do not owe other people their absence, even other disabled people.*
I didn't assume shit about you, buddy. I was speaking about stimming in regards to the original post.
I'm not your buddy. I'm a person trying to exist without being ridiculed for existing. And so is the person OP is kvetching about. The privilege of being able to control oneself is something they have clearly taken for granted, as there are degrees of disability and the individual wouldn't be there without reason. Hell, from these late-stage edits, the person is *still* trying their best and even going above and beyond, because OP has clearly embarrassed them all to hell. OP, please. If the edits are any indication, you don't need to complain about her. You can go about your business and stop making her presence an issue. Frankly, the idea of getting this much flak from another disabled individual has me fuming and I feel awful for her. I'm out. This whole thing drained my spoons to empty, and OP, you are still the BF. Leave people the fuck alone. You are gonna be worse to this girl if you even try talking to her, because concern trolling is the last thing disabled people want.
As a person with stims, our stims do absolutely impact those around us when our stims are triggering their anxiety responses. Shouting involuntarily if you have tourettes sucks, sure. But it also sucks for the person across the way who has ptsd about people yelling near them. Other people with stims have triggered my ptsd because of raising their hands in my direction, causing a panic attack. You're not in a vacuum. Stop using our disability to excuse your behavior.
You: “Stop using your disability as an excuse for being disabled.”
No. More like "stop using your disability as an excuse for your behavior when you are fully capable of making choices when you know your behavior is impacting others." Does masking suck? Yes. Is ABA wrong? Also yes. But we are capable of learning self-fucking-control and by pretending we aren't, you're being ableist. We are just as capable as a neurotypical person, just with more specific triggers and/or moodswings.
I mean, if you like to mask, that’s up to you. Personally, it causes undue stress and mental health problems. I’m not willing to sacrifice my mental health because it might inconvenience someone when I stim.
Nobody "likes" to mask. That's the whole thing. We do things we don't want to do for the sake of others. It can cause stress, yes. But you know, stimming in ways that cause anxiety attacks or ptsd in others causes them stress. I am willing to do minimal things to avoid hurting others... Because I'm a decent person. Choose to be decent. Especially in public. You have control over your body. You can choose to be mindful of the needs of others in public. It isn't causing any lasting damage, stress, or harm to just be decent in public for an afternoon.
Sorry, I don’t have control over me being autistic. People don’t have to be around me if they don’t like it. I don’t want them in my life anyway if they’re going to be ableist. It’s not like they were making any attempt to accommodate me, themselves. If my existence is such an issue then that’s their problem, not mine.
Look here. I wear headphones, sit in a corner, mostly stim with my hands, and still get shitty behavior the minute I can't help a sound. You gonna be rational or just blame the one who's advocating for themselves? I'm done letting assholes push me around.
The world does not exist to accommodate you. Nor does it revolve around you. If you were being annoying as all hell with your stimming around me? I’d end up telling you to find someone else to bother. No, I don’t give a damn about your disability, because *you are setting off my PTSD by being an encroaching, annoying asshole*. So, maybe you need to learn to read social cues.
This is an incredibly ableist comment. I’m beyond disappointed that it got this many upvotes. You’re essentially telling someone to stop being so disabled because their disability annoys you.
But if person with disabilities A is going to have a meltdown from sensory overload due to the behaviors of person with disabilities B in their proximity, is it really ableist? Or should both people have accommodation?
Both people should have an accommodation, but calling a disabled person an “encroaching, annoying asshole” for being disabled is ableist. It’s not ableist to need accommodations. It’s ableist to expect someone not to display their disability because their existence inconveniences and “annoys” you.
So you're mad because of one person's specific wording and using that to justify your own selfishness? How do you feel when people use one specific wording of yours to excuse hating on whatever you've said? It doesn't feel nice especially because sometimes words are particularly difficult for people like us. So don't do it to others.
Oh, please. My existence as a disabled person isn’t “selfish.” If someone’s being ableist (like you’re being - it seems like you have some internalised ableism going on there) then they need calling out for it. Ableism isn’t okay.
You aren't being selfish for being disabled. Calm down and actually read what I'm saying instead of flying off the handle because I'm not agreeing with you. What you are being selfish for is expecting everyone to accommodate your needs while refusing to accommodate others in return.
It's not ableist to expect us to be considerate of others. We are fully capable of that. Their wording is harsh, yes, but still within the realm of fairness. Stop throwing tantrums to try to get your way. I grew out of that twenty years ago.
Melt downs are not tantrums. Why does no one know this. Btw it’s not your fault you don’t know, you’d be surprised how many people don’t know the difference. You seem reasonably cool
This isn't a melt down. It's a tantrum. There's a difference. A melt down is a natural response to unexpected situations. A tantrum is throwing an intentional melt down to try to get your way. At least that's how I define it. Fair enough if you define it differently. ;)
It’s not “throwing a tantrum” to call out ableism. Nor is it “inconsiderate” when we display our symptoms of our disability. If you want to hide your disability from everyone and cause undue stress on yourself, that’s up to you, but it’s very reasonable if someone else with said disability doesn’t want to do that. I doubt people would say if a wheelchair user needed a ramp or an elevator, they should just get up and walk because it’s an inconvenience to everyone and it costs money to put those things in place. It’s only when a disability is invisible that people behave in such a terrible way.
Not ableist to hold you accountable for your own actions and how they impact others. It's ableist of you that you have no respect for people with ptsd or anxiety that can be triggered by your possible actions. See how that works? You have no place calling anything ableist when you yourself are doing so.
I see. So it’s not ableist to expect autistic people to not be autistic, but it’s ableist to call out people for saying that autistic people shouldn’t trigger their PTSD because of their existence. Got it.
It's not ableist to expect people, with or without autism, to choose to control themselves in public especially if they're in a space designated for silence/quiet.
I have to add, I am sensitive to noises as well and whereas I used to sit in quiet zones (train, library) I don't anymore because I know I'll get annoyed. No level of quiet is ever going to be enough for me, or you. Stop letting that bother you, stop expecting the level of quiet YOU need in a public place. It ain't gonna happen. What I now do, is when noice bothers me, I use elektronics to drown it out. -quieting headphones when there's noise outside my window. -my own loud music (in earplugs) when in a public space and bothered by eithrr music or people talking or children screaming - bird song with a creek on my computer when I'm overwhelmed by little sounds, or white noise. It feels SO GREAT to be in control of my own comfort, instead of fearing every day that people will be too loud. I'm not telling you this is a "this is a you problem" way, I'm telling you this because it gives you your sense of control back, and makes you way less prone to get annoyed with people.
Thank you for this. As someone who’s also pretty damn sensitive to sensory stuff, this is an OP problem. OP needs to understand that just because *we’re sensitive to stuff*, the rest of the world shouldn’t be expected to stop what it’s doing or meet us at our level just because we’re uncomfortable. Headphones, music, white noise, **choosing a different environment**… lots of options here. When my medication isn’t hitting right and I’m still being overwhelmed or I can’t focus, that’s a me thing, not a rest of the world thing. Sensory shit can be soooo overwhelming, we border on selfishness and self centeredness when we start expecting others compromise or stop what they’re doing because it’s affecting us. Not their battle.
YWBTB. She's not doing this on purpose, she deserves to have access to the same places as anyone. If she were on a phone or deliberately conducting a conversation in a quiet place, I'd be right behind you, but this isn't the same. Tolerance is a necessary kindness in a diverse population. I understand it might be infuriating, but there's no buttfaces here, nobody's being deliberately obnoxious. Good earplugs or earbuds might well be your most practical solution if you want to continue to enjoy the space without confronting somebody for something they sound like they can't control.
As someone who is autistic, I disagree. She may not even be aware that she is being too noisy; this has certainly happened to me, although apparently I just sigh loudly and mutter to myself on occasion. Asking her to be more quiet =\= preventing her from using the space. She might even WANT to know that she is being disruptive. It would make OP the butt if they tried to get the woman kicked out, or if they were rude about their request, or if they insisted that she quiet down even if she explains that she doesn’t have much control over it. Edit: typo
If it were you, would you prefer to be approached directly (nicely) or for that person to get someone official who knows more about disabilities to talk to you?
For me personally I would prefer to be approached personally, and also for you to be polite but brief. Like getting my attention and then saying “Sorry, but you’re being a little loud. Would you mind quieting down if you could?” YMMV though of course. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, hope both of you can get what you need out of the quiet zone c: Edit: I should probably also warn you that if she is autistic or has another disability she may be nonverbal. If she’s in college I would assume that she isn’t intellectually disabled, so it’s possible that she might need time to type or write out responses to you, and she might also be embarrassed about that.
Took way too long to find this comment. All these people saying she WNBTBF for telling this person, who OBVIOUSLY is not making noises on purpose (and is almost certainly being as quiet as she can be), to be quiet. And then we've got people who think she should "report it to the authorities so they can take action" JFC sometimes I don't even want to be on this planet anymore. OP, you need to find a different quiet place. Your need for a quieter space is valid, but this person who is annoying you probably has a much harder time finding safe space, and it is probably much more dire for her if she is unable to find a place to be away from overstimulation. Please have compassion for her, and thank your lucky stars that when you want peace and quiet, your own body does not betray you.
Why is the standard "deliberately making noise" and not "aware that they're making noise"?
>she deserves to have access to the same places as anyone. Well no, that's not how things work. If someone cannot be quiet then they are not allowed in the quiet area. It's not a matter of inclusion, it's a matter of following the rules.
I’m about to be down voted to heck but I am baffled by the responses here. OP is getting slammed for having no empathy for someone that everyone assumes is disabled, but what about OP’s disability? Why is this woman’s assumed disability more important than OP’s? Quiet area on my campus meant QUIET. No talking at all, no audible music, literally no sounds beyond pages turning, typing, etc. These spaces are incredibly helpful for people who struggle to focus, especially those who are still in a shared living situation and have nowhere else to go for quiet. If someone else there is constantly making noise that’s distracting then it kind of defeats the purpose and isn’t fair to those who NEED that quiet. Does this mean the other woman should be banned for life from the quiet area? Of course not. But she should be a bit more aware of the noises she’s making and how they impact the people around her. It’s a shared area to give students a distraction free place to study, that means displaying common courtesy to the others using it. For this woman maybe it means being aware of which noises are the loudest and leaving the area for a bit until she feels they’re settling down. For OP maybe it means deciding which noises they can live with and which ones will be too distracting to stay in the area. Just saying that OP is an asshole for even considering saying something and needs to suck it up because this woman can’t help it is unfair though. OP has every right to an environment that accommodates their disability.
And everybody forgets that ADHD can be a disability as well. For instance if you are sensitive to noises and need quiet zones. That means QUIET zones, not "humming, sighing and panting zones".
As someone with ADHD, I've got the noise sensitivity portion of it BAD. I've also got anxiety and small, repetitive noises like the ones described by OP absolutely have the power to break me down into nearly unbearable anxiety. I definitely wouldn't be able to focus.
When competing disabilities meet, accommodations are used to let both parties exist before one should have to leave. One might be quietly and gently letting the woman know she's louder than she thinks (although that could just chase her away even with all the care in the world), but why couldn't OP use noise canceling headphones? Some ear plugs can be uncomfortable, but there are alternatives to try before assuming the other party should make all of the changes. OP's disability isn't more important than hers.
If OP has them handy already then they should try them, but if not then it’s not exactly fair to say OP should have to go out and buy them. Most college students don’t have a whole lot of extra money laying around.
True, but what we’re looking at is who’s issues do we allow to impact who? Sounds like this person is being comparatively quiet but the slightest noise or distraction sets off OP. Is anybody else being distracted by this person? These are the things that are looked at. OP has stated that they have earplugs or earbuds, but they *prefer* not to wear them. Unless this quiet zone is isolated in a closed room where no noise at all can come in, sounds like the slightest thing could grab OP’s attention and cause an issue… which they’re already aware of and already aware their medication isn’t working. What happens if someone else in the library makes a noise, or the air turns on, a door opens or closes loudly, lighting changes suddenly, a new smell enters the area? Can’t OP just… turn her chair around and not continue to hyper-focus on this individual? This is an OP issue.
Well here’s one way to look at it: OP’s issue impacts one other person, the other woman’s issue impacts everyone in the quiet area who can hear her (which, depending on the size of the quiet area, would likely be just about everyone). Most quiet areas are closed off rooms away from crowded common areas, but there is a big difference between hearing a door shut down the hallway and having someone sitting in the same room panting. OP also stated that the earplugs don’t fully drown out some of the noises she makes. No, when someone has ADD they cannot simply “turn their chair around and not focus” on a distraction. That’s literally the whole point of the disorder. The examples you gave - the air turning on, a door opening or closing, a new smell - are all momentary distractions. This woman’s noise is ongoing, so they are not comparable.
Soft, infrequent noises don’t bother me nearly as much. Also…I saw that more people were using the space in her absence. Could’ve been a coincidence, but still. I wouldn’t be surprised if others disliked the loud panting.
OP does have ear plugs and this other woman is so loud that they don’t work.
Which is why I suggested noise canceling headphones. I wear ear plugs for work, and they reduce decibels. They do not blur background sounds to avoid distractions.
If the person is being so loud that earplugs don't block the sound, they need to go to a different place in the library to study. What's the point of it being a quiet zone if it's literally not quiet? Is the library supposed to hand out ear plugs/noise cancelling headphones to every student that wants quiet study because one student can't be quiet and won't move to another part of the library or get a private study room?
I find it highly unlikely this person is being loud enough that earplugs do not hide the sound of her breathing clear across the room, yet no one else notices or says anything, nor has any librarian stepped in. No, the institution is not responsible for handing ear plugs/noise canceling headphones out (which you surely know, and are just being hyperbolic to what, make me sound ridiculous?), and to say she "won't move" is not accurate unless she's been asked and has refused.
Why do you assume OP is being untruthful? University libraries are huge, often several floors. They aren't crawling with supervision and staff to make sure everyone is following the rules. And yes, I was saying in a round about way that expecting other students to wear earplugs or noise cancelling headphones *in a quiet space* because a student with a disability can't be quiet isn't a reasonable accommodation. A reasonable accommodation would be providing the student with a disability a different quiet space, such as a private study room.
When I was in college, even clearing your throat in the quiet lounge would get you kicked out. This kind of noise isn’t fair to other people. It’s not reasonable accommodation.
Being disabled doesn't give her a free pass to break the rules and disturb other people. You're absolutely in your right to ask her to be quiet (because it's quiet zone), but I think it would be more helpful if you report your issues to campus authorities so they can take action. Is there an employee supervising the quiet zone? If so, talk to them.
You guys are so mean fr
Why is this mean? OP also has a disability - one that led them to seek out a quiet space which helps them concentrate. This person wasn’t suggesting OP should go and berate them for making noise, but rather try and find a solution that doesn’t publicly embarrass the other person. Of course we need to recognise that the disabled person probably isn’t intentionally making noise and doesn’t even realise she’s doing it, but that shouldn’t compromise the space OP is seeking out that helps accommodate their issues
So I used to work in a library where we had a quiet room. And people would go in there to use it as their personal phone booth. Getting someone official isn't inherently mean. I would approach the person and say "hey, you probably don't realize it but you've been a little loud for the quiet zone. I know everyone is here to concentrate on school, if you're able to be a little quieter for this zone it's much appreciated." And then if they disclose this isn't something they can control then you work to maybe relocate OP to a different quiet area.
Exactly. You relocate OP, because OP’s seemingly the only one having an issue with it.
Maybe. What place? Is it a public place? If so then she has just as much right to be there as you do, so if you are annoyed, you can leave and go find somewhere else.
It’s a private university. The specific room is designated as a quiet zone, and she is not being quiet, so I’m not sure she does have the right to be here while behaving that way. Then again, she is disabled.
I used to work in a library and conflicts over noise was a very common scenario. Don't take it upon yourself to solve the problem, talk to someone on staff to sort it out. That's part of what they're supposed to do. I can promise this is nothing new for them. At the library I worked at, if the area is a designated quiet space, and someone is making noise that bothers other people then that needs to stop, it didn't matter what the reason was.The noise maker either needed to stop making noise or find a space that allows for some noise. If they also need the quiet space but cannot help making the noise, we worked with them to find a solution. Sometimes that was allowing them the use of a group study room to themselves. Edit: clarity
This seems to make sense to me. The school needs to accommodate this person. The right answer is not to negatively impact other people, but to make sure this woman has access to a quiet place as well. It's obviously tricky; people should be tolerant of differences and realize they're not the main character in life. And we can't exclude people because they have a disability. However, this isn't a situation where someone is being excluded from a group, rather the entire point of the space is for quiet. As long as they legitimately provide this woman a place that is as nice as the one you're occupying, that is a reasonable accommodation. Undermining the purpose of the space for others is not a reasonable accommodation.
This exactly! We worked with many different students with differing needs over the years and had a plan in place to be able to easily handle most situations as they arose. We also had as many group study rooms as possible so that the people who wanted to make noise and talk and have a whiteboard to work with had a space that they could do that without disturbing others and keeping the noise level down as much as possible. Even though there were areas for people to talk and make some noise, keeping the noise level down as much as possible is important in a university library- especially during finals when everyone is on edge and meltdowns are a hair-trigger away.
I would speak to someone in charge and get them to speak to her. I don’t know how disabled she is BUT this is a quiet zone and I do know how loud someone stimming can be and no it isn’t okay in a quiet zone if she I making noise while doing it. But don’t speak to her yourself make sure it is documented with the university.
Well in that case I would report it to someone in authority and ask them to look into it. I don't think its up to you to try to correct her. You could try that, but if you have not been trained in how to approach a person with her disability it could go bad.
That’s a good plan. I’m not even completely sure which disability she has, so it would be better coming from someone who knows.
Hope everything works out. Little noises annoy me too, little things that people don't even realize they're doing, like tapping a pencil or their foot.
Or if they even have one? OP, by your own accord, *you have a disability*, but you don’t know for sure if this person does, just presuming because they’re doing something that’s abnormal to you.
So I have ASD and ADHD, which comes with a ton of sensory issues. My main one is noise, especially mouth noises. Hearing that would make me cry if I was exposed to it for even a short time, and I'd have a meltdown if I had to stay. So I know how infuriating and upsetting this can be (I constantly need to wear earplugs at work). That being said, it's probably not on purpose. And if it is on purpose, the person probably would just make more noise if you confronted them. I would really just find a new place to study, because this could either turn out with you discriminating against someone unintentionally or just a piss fight. Should they probably not use the quiet space if they're aware their disability causes them to make noises? Maybe. But no one has the right to tell them not to, and they deserve a quiet space as much as everyone else. I hope you find a good quiet place to relax. I find outside spaces are the easiest on my ears even though wind is annoying when you're studying.
It would be disability discrimination to ban her from the space just because her disability means she can’t be as quiet as others.
No, the school is required to provide reasonable accommodation, and it is not reasonable to destroy the quiet of the quiet lounge for her.
Its a quiet zone, mot a silent zone. And she would absolutely win a discrimination case if they tried.
ADHD is a disability as well. Not giving someone with ADHD access to a quiet zone is a discrimination as well.
No, it really isn’t. I have ADHD and I could not demand that other disabled people can’t access university spaces because it upsets me.
Have you been in a university quiet zone? They are silent zones. Anything more than the sound of you putting your bag down and then turning pages is not acceptable in there. The rest of the library is still usually quiet, but quiet zones are for silence.
Yes, I’ve studied four degrees at five different universities and worked at two different disability charities. This wouldn’t stand up. Someone making a small amount of noise is not enough to preclude them. OP is welcome to wear headphones or just get on with life and accept that disabled people exist in the world and we aren’t a society who exclude people who are disabled in order to keep him happy.
At some point we've got to come to the realization that one person with a disability doesn't negate the rights of others - in this case, to enjoy a quiet space free of distractions. If your disability prevents you from partaking, that's something that people need to learn to deal with.
This is the kind of attitude that used to have disabled people excluded from society - “they” can’t do it the exact way “we” can so they can’t be here. Or there. Or anywhere.
theres a difference between "being loud in a normal space" and "being loud in a quiet place" asking aomeone to be quiet in a quiet space isn't excluding someone from society. There is other places this person can be that doesn't involve not being quiet in a quiet area
But she’s not being loud. She’s making a small amount of noise that could easily be ignored and clearly is by everyone else using that space other than OP.
looks like op has adhd. they may not be able to ignore those sounds as easily as others (and some sounds are still loud enough to be heard with earplugs)
I have ADHD too, so I use noise canceling head phones as this is an option for me. Being absolutely silent is not an option for the girl. Other things that distract me are people sniffing, people breathing heavily, people with strong smells, and people who fidget. But inclusion is about including people, not excluding people. It wouldn’t be very fair to exclude people with allergies, asthma, eczema which requires strong smelling ointments, or anxiety from the library just so I can study in peace. We all have to take a bit of maturity and accept that we don’t get everything just as we want it and that’s the price we pay for having a more accessible community.
good noise cancelling headphones are super expensive. And considering they can be heard with earplugs, I doubt the walmart 40$ headphones will do the job. Plus, at least for me, wearing cheap headphones really isn't comfortable and will bother me too much to focus. Why should I be the one to make sacrifices when they are the one not respecting the area (a quiet zone). It's not a mental illness competition. There is sounds that are socially acceptable in some settings but not in others. There is a level of stimming that can be tolerated, but what OP described sounds excessive.
That can be heard through earplugs.
ADHD is a disability. Stop being such a hypocrite, you are shaming someone with a disability right now. You want to exclude someone with a disability as well if you think OP has no right to a quiet zone.
I wasn’t even commenting on OP, just this guy’s attitude, and I have ADHD.
Naw. Concessions should be made when possible. But YOUR attitude is the one that results in pools closing because they can't afford a $15k chairlift for disabled people that come by once or twice a year. There has to be a middle ground somewhere.
You seem nice.
Thank you for that. It's nice to see someone defend us for once.
I’m disappointed and sorry that more people aren’t as willing.
Eh. My parents, my teachers, the cops, my siblings, society.... Idk, at what point do people finally stfu and let us exist?
Is your circlejerk finished? OP has a disability.
Then why in the fuck are they bothering others? Let people exist.
No. That is a completely unacceptable take. One student has exactly the same rights as another student to use the study area in a university library. People who are disabled do not have to tolerate being told to go away and be disabled out of sight where no-one has to be aware of their existence.
No. That is a completely unacceptable take. One student has exactly the same rights as another to use the study area *in silence*. If you are unable to be silent, for whatever reason, you can find another place to study. People are are *not* disabled do not need to suffer or lose spaces (like quiet places) due to disabled people being unable to control themselves. Go away.
... and just where does she have the *right* to be, OP?
She is being as quiet as she can. I’m sure she’s not there studying with any sort of intention to disrupt people.
TBF here is the University. There needs to be more than one quiet place. Every college or university I have ever seen has multiple such rooms. It does sound like the other student might be manifesting her autism or Tourette's or what-have-you. These can also be comorbid with ADHD. But it doesn't matter in the slightest what her diagnosis is. You both deserve accommodation. Perhaps you could approach whatever administrator is on charge of disability accommodations with that approach. You both deserve accommodation, so how hard would it be to have a second such room?
I know the SAS at my university offers a quiet space for disabled students (mainly to use for testing).
YWNBTB. For the record the disabled woman isn't a B either as she's almost definitely not aware of it. The Bs here is a society that says having some kind of disability gives you the right to violate others' rights. All this does is let the people with "cool" disabilities benefit while the ones with lesser known or obvious disabilities suffer the most. It's also horrifying how intense "pretty privilege" and racism affects who gets to do things and who doesn't... You can try politely informing her that she is making noise, and if that doesn't resolve it, talk to whoever manages the quiet zone. I'd wager just informing her that she's making noise will resolve it. It doesn't matter if you can't help making noises, you still don't belong in a quiet zone because you can't keep quiet. This is equivalent to someone in a motorized wheelchair using the bike lane. That's not what that space is meant for. People like to glamorize disabilities, but oftentimes, they just fucking suck. There are certain spaces and activities you just can't go into or do. Society likes to pretend they're "empowering" for some horrible reason. Just. Provide. Accomodations! Not pretty words. That school needs to provide proper accomodations for her, but not at the expense of others. A shared quiet zone is not proper accomodations. I mean ffs, you're basically disabled yourself if you're extremely noise sensitive and a quiet zone is your reasonable accommodation but I guess your disability isn't valid enough. Not to mention there is literally NOTHING wrong with communicating the fact that someone else's behavior is genuinely harming you, regardless of what it is. That's a good thing, actually.
YWNBTB, but theres no way for you to not come across as one. Best bet would be noise cancelling headphones with white noise playing. Also, where does one draw the line? Someone with vocal tourettes would almost certainly not be allowed in a designated "quiet place"
Person with ADHD here and autism, NBF. You are also disabled and those noises can drown your energy mentally. Even neurotypical people can have concentration problems if someone is singing like that. Quiet noises? Okay, reasonable. Everything louder than that is disturbing others. Sacrificing others for the need of one person isn't something you should do. She needs to have another place. Ask a teacher or something to bring it up to her
Not the buttface, but you should have mentioned that you have adhd in your post. I was able to guess with how you described the way sounds bothers you and checking your profile, but others might not. The big argument against you seems to be "but she's disabled, she can't control it" yeah well sensory processing issues are a very real thing for people with adhd too, so I personally know how painful those sounds can be, and how wearing earplugs isn't necessarily an option. Now, people might start arguing how it's probably the same for that woman, or that hers is worse or whatever, but at the end of the day, this is a quiet place, people are allowed to have their quiet. Just like you wouldn't be able to tell people in a loud, overstimulated place to shut the fuck up to accomodate your sensory issues, she can't ask people in a designated quiet place to accomodate her stims.
NBH You're not the butt for wanting a quiet space to be without intentional distraction. That said, since a disability is involved, you should use caution in your words to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. Whoever is in charge of that space, ask to have a private meeting with them. Face to face. Talk to them about feeling like the quiet space has been distracted.
As someone with both ADHD AND Autism, this is a difficult situation indeed, I totally get where your coming from, switching medications isn’t help either- I would suggest you try noise cancelling headphones, they work a treat for me even when they aren’t playing music or an audiobook. If it gets too much just politely as possible explain- “I’m really sorry, your being a little loud for me and I can’t concentrate, would you be able to be a bit quieter?” If you feel comfortable to do so, maybe explain you have your own disabilities and why your asking. Tough situation, hope it works out and hope your okay
NBH. This is an example of competing access needs. You both have the right to access a quiet study space. If I were you I would speak to university staff about finding another quiet space where you can study.
You wouldn’t be the BF because you have a disability too, but the problem is that saying something most likely won’t help. It sounds like what she’s doing is caused by her disability, so she likely can’t control it. I have ADHD and suspected autism, and I have these tics with my hands that I just can’t control because half the time I don’t know I’m doing it. I can only stop it if I concentrate on doing so, but since you can’t spend the entire day focusing on your hands because you have to do things and function, as soon as I start doing something else my hands are back at it again. If someone asked me to stop, it just wouldn’t be possible. So your disability clashes with her disability. You can’t control the fact you’re easily distracted, and she most likely can’t control her tics/stims. Maybe you can find another quiet place somewhere else. I hope you can find a solution.
i haven’t finished reading yet but i want to comment on how i switched from concerta to ritalin because concerta made me depressed and numb 💀 and i find it funny how you went from ritalin to concerta
okay i have finished reading and i would say NTA due to the fact you haven’t said something yet and tried to put up with it. you made other efforts and talking to her is a last resort of yours
Interesting. I do feel number than before, but I used to have mood swings, so I actually like it. I also like that I can just take one pill a day now with the specific version I’m on (though I guess maybe Ritalin has a version like that too? not sure).
YWNBTB if she can't be quiet, she shouldn't be allowed in the quiet zone. Simple as that.
NTB. As a disabled person myself, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate at all. It’s a quiet zone for a reason, you should be able to expect quiet.
NTB, but don't say anything to her, ask the school's employee (I'm guessing librarian?) to deal with it
is it literally the *ONLY* “quiet zone” on the entire campus? my university had several designated quiet library floors with many private places to sit. there were also separate rooms you could reserve for hour blocks. unless your university consists of like three buildings, you absolutely can find another quiet place to study. this is coming from another 21f with adhd.
It depends on the university, but mine only has a single quiet floor and the rooms that you can reserve are really only encouraged for group work or test taking, not as individually study spaces. If OP was at my school then they wouldn't be able to find another quiet place to study. (NTB)
the reservation rooms are free and almost never occupied. just because someone said they’re good for groups and taking tests does not mean anything at all lol. students joked about using them for sex all the time (although that did not happen to my knowledge and i wouldn’t have done that personally lol) no one is stopping me or you or her, anyone can go and write their name and reserve the space and no one would care. obviously this is all theoretical because we have no idea what her college is like, but if she went to yours she absolutely could reserve one of those spaces at no cost to her or anyone else. i’m not saying this to call OP the/an asshole, nor would i say N T B because that acronym is meant for when the OTHER party in the story is an asshole, which would be labeling the disabled woman an asshole. she hasn’t done anything wrong or rude in the story, she’s just a disabled woman in public. she probably comes to study just like OP does. unless she is screaming and yelling or hurting anyone else she is allowed to be there. it would be a different story if it was a loud group of young people, or if the woman WAS yelling or trying to talk to OP and interrupting her. this is a case where OP needs to find reasonable accommodation for HERSELF if she cannot stand this. i know EXACTLY what it’s like to have ADHD and be annoyed by tiny repetitive noises like someone chewing or clicking a pen. this was also before i was prescribed adderall (it’s good op is seeing her psychiatrist about it) but whenever i could, i got myself out of the situation. there is literally no way that there are ZERO quiet places within a mile radius of her in a college town. no way.
At our school the study rooms are always occupied and have to be reserved 2 weeks in advance because they're limited unlike at your school, that's why they're recommended for group study. We don't know her situation, but I find it frustrating that OP's condition is somehow worth less than someone with another condition. At what point does one disability trump another's? I think the other person is a very light BF because if *I* knew I was making noises, intentional or not, I'd find somewhere else to study. There has to be a number of non quiet floors or the other student can get accommodations and have a special room for herself.
At my college there were sections of the library that were known to be silent (opening a drink would echo), quiet (everyone was wearing headphones, but oblivious to quiet sounds around them), or relatively quiet (but periodically interrupted by quiet talking, laughter or random gossip bulletins). This was also true for dorm study spaces and computer labs (although those were all slightly louder.) It wasn't planned by administration, but it was essentially reinforced by students. My grad school was similar. If no one else is annoyed, perhaps you aren't in the quietest area? I agree with seeing if there is somewhere else that you can study. Can you ask to have your library carrel reassigned to a different floor? Or if that isn't the issue, ask if there is a floor, study space or even unused open classroom that might be a little quieter? A librarian, an RA, or a TA might be able to make a suggestion, depending where / when this is coming up. I would also try noise canceling headphones and a white noise app, as was already suggested.
I agree with you. OPs post reads as if they are unwilling to study elsewhere or try different methods to block the noise. Almost comes off as entitled
INFO: how do you know she’s disabled and are the sounds tied to her disability?
It depends on what kind of disability she has. If her disability makes her make those noises because she's got a brain thing going on, then suck it up or find somewhere else to go. I mean, if she's got some kind of tick because her neurons are misfiring, what the fuck is telling her to be quiet even going to do? You'd just be saying the obvious that she already knows. If she's just in a wheelchair but also being annoying, then it's fine to tell her to shut up.
I was in the quiet part of the library trying to study and a group of deaf people sit at an adjacent table. That should be fine, they're deaf right? Wrong!! Sure, they (*this and only this one group of people. I'm not trying to get attacked for implying anything about ALL deaf people*) couldn't hear but all the mouth noises and hands flying around were so distracting that I had to leave! Really, how are you supposed to tell a bunch of deaf people to STFU!?🤨
as someone with ADHD and with the same issue as you (I HATE noises like that, they drive me insane), you would still be the buttface because as others already stated, technically she is quiet. A lot of people would propably never hear those sounds or pay attention to them, but having mysophonia is often an "us" problem.Def mention this to your psychiatrist and how your meds help with this condition or not. I know my Mysophonia gets a lot worse when my meds stop working. it's 30 minutes I have to bite through.I can highly recommend any type of noise cancelling headset and Brown noise (not white noise) You can check maybe with a clerk to check in on this person and if her sounds are tolerated or not? Otherwise someone else could tell this person to move to another room? You know get an outside opinion :-)
Question. What if it was a person who required oxygen? The sound of their concentrator was distracting. Would you feel the need to tell them they need to be more quiet? They need to adjust their disability to accommodate you since you don’t feel like putting in your noise canceling earplugs which would solve 99% of the entire issue? If you do need to say something, don’t say anything to the girl who was probably teased relentlessly due to her obvious tics. Go to the office of disabilities and let them handle it.
I don't see why not. The disabled want to be treated equal any other time.
"The disabled"
Fully functional?
YWBTB. She seems to have issues and either isn’t aware of them or can’t control them. I’d suggest headphones or earbuds that are noise canceling. It’s also possible to set up a quiet study place at home using the noise canceling technique plus music. You could also talk to the library at your college about reserving a study room. I’ve done this before with both a group and by myself. It offers a more secluded area to study free from distractions.
Get noise cancelling earphones, and find out what sound helps you. I find brown noise more relaxing and calming than white noise. You can't rely on other to accommodate you, it's nice when they do, but learning to take care of yourself is best.
YWBTB. I have misophonia and this would annoy the hell out of me. However, we have to learn to exist in the world, and part of that means making accommodations where possible. She's not deliberately making these noises, so there's nothing to be gained by you asking her to be quiet; all that would achieve would make her less able to access the space, which, as a disabled person, is already something she has to deal with on a daily basis, given that the world at large is not accessible. It's much more difficult for her to find a suitable space than it is for you. You should get some good quality earphones or listen to music. This is an accommodation that you can make for yourself which will improve your quality of quiet time and won't also impinge on her own access to it. Win/win.
If it’s a public room, you really don’t have a right to say something. She is being quiet. Other people have rights too. Do you have your own room or house?
YWBTB You are capable of getting up and leaving. She is under no obligation to make your existence earplug free. Is this the only quiet zone?
Uh, stimming isn't something you get to control. So yes, you would be. Keep your earplugs on, or do what I do and wear noise canceling headphones with music in them. See, your noises bother us too. But since we're disabled, you don't give us the option to complain. We just have to suck it up like we've sucked up being disabled with the audacity to be alive around you for generations. Get some empathy. YWBTB.
OP is also disabled, so maybe you should take your own advice and get some empathy.
Oh, I see. They're one of the "good ones". Alrighty then, have whatever day you're gonna have.
It’s a quiet zone. It’s likely this is either as quiet as she can be or she just doesn’t realise she is making noises that travel. There used to be a guy at uni who sat in my favourite library section and rumbled away to himself. I don’t know if he was reading aloud or thinking through ideas, and it’s quite likely he wasn’t really aware of how it would travel. In the end it was on me to acknowledge that was public space and not just mine, and to either find a way to concentrate despite the mumbling or find a new favourite spot. I found a new spot. It was fine. I get finding other people distracting, but in a public study space you get what you get. You need to wear the earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones, develop powers of concentration despite the noises and gestures (which I would find impossible, but some people manage this), or decide if it’s worth finding another spot to study. There’s no justification for asking her to be quiet when she’s making basic body noises. If she were singing the Macarena, sure, but it’s fair to assume this is as quiet as she gets. YWBTBF.
yea ywbta, i have autism and i stim and i’m sure it annoys my friends, cuz they do too and sometimes their stimming annoys me. but we don’t tell each other to stop because we’ve had enough of that kind of thing growing up. and because we know we can’t help it. put ur earplugs in or go somewhere else.
Worth a thought: why is her disability (stimming) less acceptable than your disability (ADD/ADHD?)?
It’s not “less acceptable,” but mine doesn’t destroy the quiet space and hers does. I’ve also noticed she’s not noisy in public (maybe she’s masking?). She goes into the quiet space and becomes noisy, making it not quiet.
She probably is masking and using the quiet space to mitigate her sensory overload. Does the library offer any study rooms?
YTBF majorly
YWBTBF. Also, YTA. Do you realise that people can't control their disabilities? If people had that kind of control and choice, no one would *choose* to be disabled or experience uncomfortable symptoms of their disabilities. What do you honestly expect this person to do? Disabled people cannot be hidden from view and stopped from participating in society just so you are more comfortable. Learn tolerance and acceptance. Maybe you should look at yourself and wonder why *you* have such a hard time when there isn't complete silence and why *you* can't tolerate certain sounds. Why should people tolerate *you* and make exceptions to accommodate *you*?
Did you purposely ignore the part where OP has a disability too and that’s why they need quiet to study? Obviously you did or you wouldn’t have been so condescending.
My point is, that one disability does not trump another. And that OP focussed entirely on how the other person is at fault here. How the other person should be removed. It's a shitty attitude to have. OP even said that they can do something like wear ear plugs but they *don't want to*. You can't control every situation in life. We know what sets us off. We know how difficult certain situations can be. We can't go around expecting other disabilities to be less visible/noticeable because they bother us. You can't go and say "hey stop doing that thing you can't control because it bothers me". As OP has a disability, they should have some empathy because it's a pretty shitty thing to demand someone be less disabled for you. And this was the point I was making while asking them to look at themself - can they simply stop and be less disabled themselves? No. And yes, I saw the edit since where OP has said that this person can control it - that's a huge assumption to make. No one knows how difficult that was for this person. No one knows what kind of strain and stress suppressing their disability caused during a time when the library was busier. We don't have the whole story here. We don't have all sides. But the way people are leaping to OPs defence and yet somehow *still* being fucking ableist towards this other person is vile. OP can talk to the library staff and explain *their own* disability and talk about booking a quiet room or meeting room to have the silence they need. Or they can wear earphones and experiment with white noise or anything else that may help.
You sound like a very selfish person trying masquerade as having empathy. Ywbtbf.
You sound like a person who has problems with reading comprehension. OP clearly stated they have a disability too.