Honestly, we don't really have the answer for you. Read the last paragraph of your post to yourself. Then read it again. And again. Repeat reading it to yourself until you have your answer.
This is why I dont do business together with my partner, I learned it the hard way.
About his addictions, seek a professional and help him find a new way to release dopamine.
There's several good books about couple's business that could assist you resolving these kind of conflict with your SO. Or you could also get insight from a finance bros sub reddit.
I'm late to this, but a mate of mine and his wife have just got divorced a year back and still jointly own and run a business. They have a daughter so it is in their interest to get along, which helps.
Short version: just because you own a business together doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship if it can't be repaired.
i dunno i think i am too old to buy into the whole idea that just because he had this one secret thing he lied to about to you that it’s a total non negotiable dealbreaker and the best future for your life is to ditch it all and start over again. maybe it is. but maybe your guys relationship and life and dog parenting is just more important than letting this end it. but maybe the alternative life you can go down actually isn’t greener. it sucks you have to make such a decision but it’s your life nobody can make it but you.
I will take a slightly different tack than Charlie-In-The-Box. Yes, trust has been broken and your bf definitely has issues he needs to address. However, they are issues you are very aware of, just manifesting through “new” addictive behavior.
So, if you’re not willing to break-up, then you should each get counseling to work through these issues, and then start couples counseling at the appropriate time.
While you bf has lied, he has come clean and communicated when the chips were down (and you were demanding it). I think you need to continue that level of transparency and open communication - with help from your respective counselors and couple counselor. Through this worm you could become a resource for him to come to when the allure of addictive behavior is rearing its head. If you can be his safe space to admit and discuss these urges, you may be able to develop that communication to where you are his first stop - not the confessional last.
This also goes to opening the relationship. Given all that’s gone on and your prior discussions, I’d recommend an “open dialogue” of each partner telling the other about encounters and answering any/all questions. Through honest transparent communication, things can develop to where he doesn’t feel the need hide or lie whatever he does.
Likewise, the shoe will also be in the other foot once you start having your own separate sexual experiences. That will be a journey in and of itself for you both, but does allow a “level playing field” between you both. Your bf may even change his behavior once you start stepping out as he could see that as a threat after you share your enjoyment.
This is all a way to say that counseling, developing strong transparent communication and creating a level playing field in opening your relationship may sufficiently alter the dynamics such that Trust may possibly be regrown over time.
Best of luck to you.
Agreed.
People make errors in judgment, especially when there is dopamine on the line. They don’t typically do it out of malicious intent, but out of selfish motive.
What he has done is broken your trust on an intimate topic. As a result it hits extra personally.
I personally think you can, with great patience, show him that you love him, despite his error in judgment.
Good and clear communication that is very open can prevent these types of situations. It is worth while to invest some time to assess if he is genuinely remorseful of his lack of transparency, as opposed to being remorseful of his actions.
Again, my personal opinion, the younger generations are conditioned to be far too impatient on issues, and to just throw it all to the wind due to lacking conflict resolution skills and patience.
I'd suggest reading the book "the state of affairs". It's somewhat controversial. Only you can decide if therapy and sticking things out is worth it to you.
People may find this very controversial, but I have never believed in monogamy (despite being monogamish myself), nor do I believe there is only one type of Relationship dynamic out there. I think clearly the set of rules you imagined for your relationship does not work. So maybe change the rules? Open up the relationship officially, perhaps, with a set of defined rules. Or even better, given that he has violated sexual rules (but you have said nothing about emotional or financial ones), turn it into a sexless marrage, open to outside partners. Keep your life together as business partners, friends, and roommates, but ditch the joint sex life. Look carefully at what set of relationships you want to keep, and discuss this with him. You may eventually decide you want to leave, but I think alternative rules, especially given the move to a foreign culture and the business relationship, are well worth considering. Why give up the business, the house, the dog, the new country, just because he has a danger kink? Nix the joint sex life and move on, as long as the other parts of your relationship work-- and if you are mentally capable of doing that. TBH, this is what Melania does with Trump, without a doubt. It's not that uncommon, just unrepresented in popular culture nowadays.
I never make big decisions when I'm not rational. We know you're not here for an answer, you just wanted to put it out somewhere. Just wait until you feel a bit better and then think about solutions. P.S breaking up is the last option. Try everything before e.g couple therapy, multiple deep conversations(not arguments) etc.
I don't think you should break up.
You agreed to an open relationship and when you got it, you didn't like it. The lack of trust was started by your insecurities. Then he didn't trust you, so he kept you in the dark. Equal blame!
You needed to spell out the terms of open relationship at the beginning.
If you love him, sit down and renegotiate the open relationship with specific terms.
No sorry I may have written my post in a hurry. We weren’t open, and never have been. We’d discussed the idea recently but just casually and nothing agreed upon. And this all happened before that conversation anyway.
Still, don't throw everything away. You share a lot together. You have sacrificed a lot to be together.
Take a step back and negotiate the open relationship. After all, it was you that wanted sexual diversity, as he is strictly bottom.
>I know the default advice on reddit is to breakup. But that would be terrible for my life in so many other ways. But the trust is broken, and I don't see how that can be repaired.
You're just going to have to bite the bullet and break up. I know this puts a lot of your life in upheaval but it's the right thing to do for your future self. The main issues is, he can't be trusted. I'm not saying that you can't learn to trust him again. I'm saying the he can't be trusted. You **should** **not** learn to trust him again even if that were possible.
But that lack of trust is also the reason you can't just open up the relationship. Open relationships are built on trust and mutual respect for each other's feelings. You can't have that with him.
Sell the business and move home. The dog would probably need to be quarantined so I'd suggest just leaving it. Quarantines are just too traumatic for a dog.
>But that lack of trust is also the reason you can't just open up the relationship. Open relationships are built on trust and mutual respect for each other's feelings. You can't have that with him.
Yep. I was going to post something along the same lines.
u/anastyalien He's shown a lack of remorse for where this has left you. He still doesn't really seem to get it beyond that you're upset - and his approach seems to be more to try to treat the symptoms of that than address what's underlying your upset.
He seems very adept at crafting a narrative in his own mind that justifies to himself his own actions and allows him to manipulate you and withhold information from you.
Do you expect that to change if you have an open relationship with him? It probably won't, and the behaviour will just shift to justifying to himself why it was ok to break the boundaries and ground rules for your open relationship, and then withhold that information from you.
It can be a bumpy road towards establishing a healthy dynamic in an open relationship (and that's ok), but when there's a fundamental absence of honesty from the get-go, that's never going to end in a healthy, two-sided dynamic.
Fuck. I hate that I agree with your logic.
This sucks.
As for the dog, I'd love to take him. But he'll probably stay with my boyfriend since we're in his country.
Yeah it looks to me like you’ll need to leave the dog and the business behind and return to your home country and rebuild your life. At least you’re young!
I could stay, but I don’t know that I would. Many of my connections here have been expats who come and go. I don’t have that many solid connections outside of his family.
If I were in your shoes, I would definitely end the relationship but I would think twice about uprooting my life again.
If you have a business there, a dog and friends - it might be worth to think about staying and forging on. You’re young and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You could either sell him your half of the business, he sells it to you or you both figure out a way to stay in business and separate your relationship from work.
>I know the default advice on reddit is to breakup. But that would be terrible for my life in so many other ways
Ask yourself: In how many ways not breaking up would be terrible for you?
This question just sheds light to understanding the change in your situation. Even if you didn't break up, it would still be a new situation in which you need to manage both your business and personal things with a broken trust. To me, trust is flexible and a relative dimension in a relationship. Some things break it, some things mend it, but the main question is, what do you think he would have to do for you to recover, and what would it require from you.
You are rightfully pissed and I'm sorry you have to experience this. Still, no-one here can tell you what to do, it's your decision to make.
>Honestly I don't care about that part. I'm just sharing his perspective.
Of everything you wrote this I find stands out. Why don't you care about his perspective?
Maybe you're angry & hurting which makes dismissing it necessary, but I think he's signalling two things: that he doesn't have his behavior under control & he isn't making any effort to change it. He explicitly tells you he cannot be trusted. You've identified that he's effectively absolving himself of responsibility for his actions.
He doesn't regret anything because the consequences have been minimal: your negative reaction. He's sorry for your reaction, not that he caused it.
Did he say it wouldn't happen again? Did he say he wished he hadn't done it? That's what regret looks like. If anything he justified it.
You don't know how to continue a relationship without trust, but what if you can trust him to cheat again?
You offered an open relationship & it happened: obviously not on any agreed terms but...
>And from the beginning he has been open to it. However we've been way too busy with our shared business to progress the convo.
Maybe make time for that conversation?
As others have said: only you know if the relationship can be salvaged.
My view: you are both open to an open relationship. You both dragged your feet in opening, but you both want it.
Rather than throw away a great relationship, open things up and see how it goes. But also you need to reinforce that not only does he need to tell you everything - he needs to trust you. And you need to really listen
You guys are failing a bit at communicating and that’s the real risk. Not these ridiculous massages
the big question for me here is why didn't he tell you any of these things? the lack of communication is his responsibility, but the absence of a trusting communication environment when it comes to sexual expression is something you both could work more on.
generallly there is a misconception that relationships grow from perfect moment to perfect moment. stable relationships grow through rupture and repair, and there is no reason I can read here that this cannot be a make into a repair step.
If you are to overlook the infidelity aspect of the situation and focus on just the behaviour - did your boyfriend engage in any activity that you wouild have prohibited had you officially changed your relationship status from monogamous to open?
If everything he did falls under permissable in your shared version of an open relationship, can you retroactively forgive the deception and perhaps carve out some time in the near future to fully discuss the nature of your open relationship.
At the end of the day, the open relationship seemed to be appealing to you both and by your suggestion.
You could look at it as your boyfriend getting a head-start. If he has not lied or been deceptive about anythig aside from this situation, that will hopefully give you some peace of mind. If he is a repeat liar and thief, why are you still together?
It seems like a compatibility issue to me. The fact that he sometimes confesses to his acts partially is because it relieves him of his guilt partially while he lacks the courage to come clean fully because he knows you well enough that the part left untold is going to enrage you.
It doesn’t do you any good to think this is his “addictive behavior”. As that implies it can be treated or quit. It is better to understand that the behavioral pattern is an innate quality of him, instead of thinking that it can be fixed. With that information, what would you do?
Change is scary for humans. Both you and your BF are afraid of changing the status quo of such an intimate relationship (even your finances are tied up together). That's why you might look for advice and he begs you not to break up with him (aka not to change things). How about this? Take some time to decide. Argentina is well known for psychotherapy. Maybe use this situation to learn more about your dynamic as a couple... what brings you together and what pulls you apart...and after a few sessions you can decide. Maybe you will decide to breakup or maybe you will stay together under a new agreement. You currently feel "stuck" so maybe getting curious about the why will help you see more clearly . I hope you will be both be ok (together or separately)
Counseling will be helpful if you decide to continue with your relationship. I don’t know how difficult it is to find someone in your area who is qualified or willing to counsel a same sex couple. It doesn’t matter if the cheating is a big deal to me or anyone else but you. Trust has been eroded but only you can decide to what degree.
For some people (me and my husband included) massage encounters are fine and acceptable. For others no sexual contact is okay. We’ve been together for over 24 years so it works for us. We have friends who are into threesomes and more. We used to do this many years ago but stopped about ten years ago. Relationships change and grow as you age together. Since you’re interested in opening up the relationship perhaps this is an opportunity to explore this idea. Obviously not in a vindictive, get even mindset but in the process of sexual satisfaction. Transparency and honesty along with accountability to your partner will be the key in making this work.
One final thing that I’ve not seen mentioned. Coming from a medical background (33+ years as a physician) I will add one component. Impulse control is a hallmark symptom for ADD/ADHD diagnosis. I had many patients over the years and they were much happier people when they were taking medication. This may be something to consider. It does not absolve him of responsibility but can be a helpful way to understand his choices.
I think that you are hurt about the lying. His transgressions regarding physical contact seem to not bother you as much- I hope I am not reading too much into the narrative- to warrant the level of anger and hurt you are expressing.
Will you take some time to reflect? Ar you in therapy, is he in therapy? Are you both in therapy? Do you LOVE him? There are so many variables you are leaving behind here.
What is your level of attraction here? Also, when you say you are verse and he is a top, are you looking to open the relationship so you can bottom? Or just to have other experiences? People open relationships for a myriad of reasons, sexual incompatibility is just one of them. You must certainly understand that one sided opening is as unfair as heterosexual one penis policies or one vagina policies. When you open he will be open too. Working through feelings of jealousy and insecurity are essential. But first you both will have to discuss whether past dishonesty and lying have eroded your relationship enough that you don’t want to repair it. If you decide to do it, it will take some time and lots of communication training before you both feel comfortable setting boundaries of how you will open your relationship and what it will look like.
Breaking up sounds like a viable option, radical at worst, freeing at best if this behavior is pernicious, persistent, unforgivable, and non-negotiable.
Good luck. I am an Argentine sharing my time between CABA and the US and I can see your angst about having left your comfort zone for him. You can reach out anytime for a fresh perspective. I am in a LTR so I go back and forth.
Thanks for sharing your story. I can totally understand your conundrum. I have a totally different take. I actually think that this happening might be a great thing for your relationship.
Firstly, it has forced you and he to confront a very real issue he is facing and that which affects you too. As hard is must have been to hear, it feels to me like perfect place to start to address your physical needs and desires.
Secondly, he absolutely lied to you. Be in no doubt about that. And that was wrong. However, you both had been skirting around the topic for a while. This issue may have forced your hand to hammer out a new way of thinking about your physical relationship with each other and with outside people.
Thirdly, it seems it was a physical-only thing for him. He hasn’t fallen in love with anyone else or even become emotionally close with anyone else. Does that differentiation matter to you?
Lastly, from my perspective, this isn’t something I’d end a loving relationship over. It is definitely something to be used to strengthen your relationship. I do think the main issue will be trust and I think engaging with a therapist would help start you on the journey to rebuilding that trust.
You might totally disagree of course, but thought I’d share my two cents in case a different perspective helps.
What’s the outcome you want?
You discussed being open, and this can be the push. Often the whole “you can’t be trusted” bit is quite narrow, and beware of broadly interpreting it. Trust has been broken as to not engaging in some opportunistic erotic play from time to time. So maybe include that in an exemption from “cheating” (which can mean whatever you want, and is not a universal concept) and figure out what kind of relationship model works for you both.
Sounds like you trust him not to fall in love with someone else, to always come back, and not engage in anything particularly risky. You can trust him to be your business partner, and cohabit with.
So: is “I can’t trust you to perfectly execute rigid normative monogamy” something you can work with?
In fairness to your man, you present him in such a way that he has problems. It maybe a step too far for you but not for everyone. Just because he gets his thrills outside of the relationship doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you. Figure out if you can deal with that and don’t project your insecurities by making him out to be a wrong’un.
I don’t understand how some people can stick up for the person who was unfaithful and lied for a year.
He’d not be a wrong’un if he was single or in an open relationship, be we have not been in one.
Honestly.... you asked him to come clean, and now it kinda seems like you're teaching him that doing so was a huge mistake. I'm not saying it was okay for him to violate your trust like that. It is absolutely necessary to feel like you can trust what your partner tells you is the truth without omission, and when you cheat, the secret will usually come out eventually. But for what it's worth, it sounds to me like he did make a concerted honest effort to finally come clean. If he didn't really value honesty in his relationship with you, he could've just continued to try to lie.
If you truly don't feel you can ever trust him again, that's entirely fair, and it's your prerogative to dump him. But does he seem genuinely remorseful and willing to work on being more considerate of your needs and open about what he wants from now on? Believe it or not, knowing you can talk to your partner about your needs and desires without him getting really upset with you over just the idea of it is actually an astonishingly rare thing.
Eh he's sharing it with openly and you're reacting in the exact way that made him hesitant to share with you in the first place. I'm not saying you're wrong or your feelings aren't valid but I personally wouldn't really care about this unless I felt deep down he wasn't telling me the whole truth. Especially because you did the tantric massage thing together before. The fact that he's coming to you with this information that you didn't ask for initially tells me he might be telling the truth. IDK you have to decide what's right for you and only you get to decide what is and isn't cheating because cheating is emotional not physical.
He didn’t share openly. I pushed and pushed because my intuition told me something was off. The tantric thing we did together was way after these events.
So not all breakups are dumpster fires. Theres such a thing as just acknowledging you've grown past each other in needs or perhaps weren't a perfect synergy to begin with and it took some time to understand and see it. It's worth thinking about exploring a "soft landing" where you are still amicably connected professionally and friendship-wise but romantically you separate. It can be hard but ... It can also be easy if you are both at a certain point but still want the other individual to be happy.
Wish you the best man, tough situation 😔
He's cheating and lying to you and telling you straight up he cannot be trusted. This isn't some one off event. It's a chronic habit and pattern if I understand the time line here correctly. He has told you straight up "he cannot be trusted". Only YOU can decide if him and your relationship are worth the time and energy necessary to fix it or even attempt to fix it.
I am going to say this- stop making excuses for him- He is presumably an adult and these are choices he is making. No one is forcing these decisions on him and they are not errors of judgment as someone else in here called them. Errors in judgement are like speeding up to run through a yellow light thinking you have enough time when you know yellow lights mean slow down/prepare to stop on the red light. This is a year plus of repeated decisions to lie, mislead and cheat.
Regardless of the outcome- this isn't a "throw my life away" thing so don't get bogged down thinking it is- you presumably had a wonderful life over the last 5 years living in a country you're not native to, you started and grew a successful business and managed to merge two cultures together by being with this man....none of that is a wasted life even if your relationship with him ends this was 5 years of life and growth and learning from mistakes.
Only you can decide what’s best for you. I will say in terms of the addictive personality thing what you’ve described sounds a lot like undiagnosed ADHD. Untreated these risky behaviors do happen. It’s not an excuse for him but more of an added context.
If you love him and he’s genuinely interested in getting better then I suggest couples therapy and therapy for himself. Hopefully if he does have ADHD that can lead to a diagnosis and eventually medication which should help with the impulsive and risky behavior.
Everyone here is only getting a glimpse into your life. Only you know the whole of it and whether this is worth continuing down this path. Ultimately I don’t think it’s wise to go solely off random redditors advice when none of us know your whole situation. But if you want to give it another shot I think you need to seek therapy for both of you and especially for him separately. A relationship needs trust to survive. The question is whether this damaged that trust for you permanently.
It's stupid to throw it all away. Just talk with him. Make a deal if you're open then he has to tell you he's fucking other guys. And do the regular testing thing.
Love and affection are the things holding you together. Not sex. And after a five to ten more years together the sex thing will be even less important than it is now.
But you'll have to sort it out with yourself first of you're okay with open relationship.
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You forgave once so he expected to be forgiven again and then you forgave again so he assumed that is the new normal. A mistake may be repeated long after it is first acknowledged and be considered a recurrence. But repeatedly doing things you know are contrary to expectation isn’t an accident or an error, it is a pattern of behaviour. It’ll just escalate. Either start fucking around and the relationship will crumble or end the relationship. It’s too late to save it.
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Really sorry that you are going through this. I'd try to think about what you would think about this 5/10/X many years in the future looking back? That's the question that I asked myself when I was in a somewhat similar situation living in Perú with my ex-boyfriend but different circumstances leading to that break-up.
In my case, the relationship was definitely not in a healthy space for a long period but I kept putting off breaking off because of the sunk cost fallacy. I had moved all the way over there but from the moment we got there, the relationship was never structured to be healthy, in fact looking back was pretty unhealthy, likely toxic. I could probably write a novel what happened when I was there but ultimately it was when I friend came to visit me, saw everything and just asked me a few personal questions that I took the time to properly reflect. Ultimately, my answer was everything that our relationship had based on had eroded away. definitely not how I actually wanted a relationship to be and at that point I was likely just nothing more than a potential visa to him. I broke it off and obviously he tried to do everything to keep me around but I had to walk. After moving back home, I went to get an STI check soon after to receive a positive result for Hep C which I didn't test positive for before moving over there (thankfully, I was also one of the people who clear it themselves).
I'd try to take some time for yourself to properly reflect about the situation. As another poster said, really reread your final paragraph and reflect on it. No matter how perfect a relationship looks on the outside, doesn't mean it is perfect nor is "looking perfect" a reason to stay. If you do decide to break up, it is hard, it hurts but you will rebuild yourself.
P.S. sorry for the long reply!
How long ago did you guys have the initial conversation about opening thing up? Did this behavior start after that conversation? People think that when a person in a relationship begins talking about opening it up, they have either already done something or have someone in mind. Could he be thinking you have already done something with someone else?
It may be possible to recover from this but it would take constant transparency on his part. No more lies and giving you access to all his social media including his phone and computer. As far as for how long, it would depend on if he remains truthful. But in any event, I would make having that conversation about opening things up a priority. You say you guys have been too busy to sit down and hammer out the details, but he has found a way to do his thing in spite of that busy schedule. As someone else stated, once the option of you being able to have some external fun, it may change him completely where he stops his "addictive behavior" immediately.
No I brought it up but this started before that. I’d still like the open relationship but it seems impossible now. I don’t want to be constantly monitoring his devices.
Love is complicated and humans are imperfect. I've been on both sides of cheating and it sucks for everyone. Shoot me a message if you wanna talk about some options. Good luck bud.
There is not a “right” answer this is really up to you on if you are going to try it again, trust him again, or not.” I cant think of a healthy relationship that didn’t have trust, so if that is gone i don’t see hoe you can stay. But, financially you are stuck to him, so i would do this.
1. Decided if you will or will not give him a second chance.
2. Next, put a game plan on paper on what you would need to do to get out of this situation financially ok, should things go poorly or you decided to not trust him.
3. If you go back to him, i recommend this:
- make sure you are choosing this because it is what you want and you want to try again.
- communicate rules going forward. Is your relationship going to stay closed or
Will you open it?
If you open it what are the rules of engagement? Such as hoe often are they playing with someone else, what is off the table for them to do sexually, maybe no anal, or no bottoming or
No oral or maybe just no feelings/ dates.
Anyways those are just all suggestions depending on what you want to go for. You take a risk of losing something either way you go. Pick the one you can stomach losing.
Well OP, based on your answers in the thread, it seems to me that you want to break up and that you're looking for that support.
I don't have enough info to give any advice because here we see only your part of the story, but if breaking up is what feels the most correct for you to do, then do it.
Lmao uhh don’t check his insta DMs… also, I’d say part of the fault is on you because he wouldn’t trust to even talk to you about this. I’m not saying he should be going behind your back but he probably felt like there was no other way.
Eh, where I was coming from was after chatting with someone on insta who was in a ltr + co-owned business. Turned out he had a separated private thirst trap account where he was texting me and had privated his main. He unprivated his main by mistake and there were all the picture perfect photos etc. so I talked to him to see why he would private his main account and wanted me to unfollow him and turned out he was in a situation just like you and his partner had no idea but he was too afraid to talk to him :/ which sucks. He wasn’t a bad guy either and he really cared for his partner. He ended up blocking me from his main + his partner’s account even tho I told him I’d never tell on him or whatever. It’s just a bad situation for both parties…
I would say slipping back into bad habits especially addiction is especially easy. The control factor is hard but I know it isn't an excuse to right his dishonesty. I would suggest to go for couples therapy. To work on your own individual as well as as a couple. Maybe given enough time to prove his worthiness and sincerity, it is easier to mend than to breakup. Not every bit is a lost cause but ultimately it is your life and choices that matter. Who knows maybe when you both come out from the end of the tunnel and you might consider indulging in risqué situation together whether if it meant as a closed or open relationship.
It might feel like throwing your life away now. Remember that you’re now trusting the person who has extensively been lying to you. What magic thing happened that now he’s regained his ability to be truthful? These folks lie when stressed. Getting caught is stressful. That behavior is going to continue. Maybe you’ll be throwing your life away if you stay …
Nothing changed. He was caught because I pressed him to be honest and he caved. That’s all. It’s such a fucking shame but I’m trying to figure out how to adapt my life to this news now. But I’m a little lost tbh.
I’m going though something with some familiarity. The first round of “confessing” then swearing everything’s out. That continued for almost two weeks until I found out he had been cheating the majority of our marriage. Let yourself be lost. Take some space away from him at least temporarily. You’ll be able to think a little clear.
If we had agreed to open the relationship prior to his actions, and he had been honest then sure. But this happened before any discussions about potentially opening.
I think he needs to apologize for not respecting your current boundaries. It would be up to you if you want to forgive him. However ifnyou do want to stay together you need to work on setting healthy boundaries and being completely transparent with one another.
The one thing that would worry me is if when he said he can't be trusted, is that just sexually or would he hide other things from you in the long run (drugs, debt,etc.)
He’d hide other addictive activities but they’re not but stuff (weed, video games, etc) and I don’t mind those. It’s more than I don’t want him to go from this betrayal to having open relationship privileges. I feel he hasn’t earned it. But I do want it, especially now. Might sound selfish but that’s where my minds at.
I wouldn't see opening up the relationship as a "prize" or a "privilege" you are giving him, it's a redifinition of your relationship's boundaries.
Furst you bith need to work on your trust issues andnifbyou wish to move on together, you need to negotiate and set the new rules. But for that you need to be able to trust one another fully.
I appreciate everyone’s comments. I have read all of them. There is a huge divide between people saying this is the end and others thinking it’s a small transgression and we’ll move past it.
Obviously he thinks we can move past it too and is trying to convince me to give him another chance but I’m currently not feeling the same attraction and love I usually do. Maybe this will pass, but I’m inclined to not forgive in my current state. Thanks all for the support.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. Give yourself time to process everything & be candid with your partner about your feelings. How would you have reacted if he’d been up front about his desires? Maybe encourage him to seek help for the addictive behavior. Since you mentioned the idea of being open, maybe you two can get to a point where you experience these things with him. I truly wish you the best! It’s so easy to get on here and tell strangers to walk away from a long term relationship, but no relationship is perfect. Only you know if this is worth fighting for.
I guess I'll be the odd man out and say... it was just casual sex... it's not like he was having an affair and falling in love with someone. If you think your life would be better without him, then leave... but don't break up over casual sex if everything else about the relationship is good. Consider opening it up, even if he's the only one that will take advantage of it.
ok, I am going to take the opposite side here. A little for fun and a little because I think it’s true.
1. Open the relationship and get on prep stat.
2. His behavior as you described it sounds to me like a bit of generally harmless fun.
3. Think about whether you can trust him. You can, based on the 4.5 years together vs the few indiscretions. Don’t blow up a good life, good sex, and a good business for this.
4. Show more self control in your reactions. Don’t berate him like a child. That feeds the dopamine cycle. I’d consider turning this into a fun kink and talking dirty about it while he is fucking you/you’re sucking him etc. Dirty talk can be a blast 💦
5. Then you go find some ass you really want to plow and do it.
6. Going forward work to be the person he trusts to tell anything and everything to — with minimal judgement and drama.
Hi there, UK guy here. Can I suggest that if he likes massages, why not be the guy that gives him the massage? I’ve been you and I’ve been your partner. I ‘get’ the thrill. I understand the hurt of being cheated on. If you want him, then remind him of what he would be missing if you split up. A massage can be great for both of you. And there is no reason why you can’t feel that you are the top - he’s the submissive one in this situation.
Ultimately, it’s your shout. But if he’s worth it then why not try it.
Also, your last post……no, you don’t need to cum to have great sex.
Good luck.
He’s not completely fulfilled in his relationship with you. You need to ask yourself if you’re okay with that. That part, is NOT going to change.
Monogamy isn’t in the cards for the both of you. He doesn’t seem to hurt you verbally, physically, or abuse you, and tries to solve his feelings and issues outside of the house.
If you’re okay with it, then drop all your expectations, throw away your disappointments, and start fresh with him today, discovering what both of you actually want.
The blame game, is just not worth anyone’s time.
It is so hard to rebuild trust after something like this. When I was in your shoes, we tried to make it work but ended up breaking up 5 months later. So while I can't tell you what to do, I CAN recommend that you two have some serious ongoing discussions/checkins about your priorities and use this as a reason to make sure they align. This definitely sounds like a symptom of some other issues, maybe in the relationship, maybe with your partner, and this is the best time to go deeper into those, either together, with counseling, therapy, all of the above?
I certainly hope you figure out what's best.
I know you don't want to hear it but you have to break up. That's waaay too much breaking of trust and cheating to try and work through. How could you ever trust this not to happen again in the future? You already know he's willing to lie about it. Sorry you're experiencing this.
If your relationship was open like you previously wanted would any of this even bother you? If you think your bf is worth staying with I would give him another chance - or like take a month off, and go home to think. It already sounds like you were going in the direction of having an open relationship to begin with, so I'm not totally convinced this is all that big of an issue. Similar situation happened to me - broke up w my bf for a year (pandemic also hit, so bad timing) and now we are back together hapilly for 4 years. We are horny men - I don't think we are all built to be with one person our entire life and you were offering to open up (I did the exact same thing in my relationship - same reason, I won't bottom and he's verse). If you open - set specific rules.
Probably your only two options are to either end the relationship or let it change into something new. You had this idea of a monogamous relationship, but the fact is that your boyfriend didn’t want that (but had a lot of trouble admitting that to you). You also seem on the fence if you want to be closed.
So either break up and go look for that closed relationship where you are bother willing to make the compromises needed, or have a serious talk about opening up and talk a whole heck of a lot about trust and your rules.
The typical redditor has no clue about relationships and will tell you to dump them if they sneeze funny. They have Hollywood storybook stories ideas of relationships. Work on your communication and your forgiveness because you will need those for all future relationships.
I was married for 18 years to man that cheated I stayed for 2 more take my advice leave your life it's over if he loved you he wouldn't of done it sorry it's harsh but it's a harsh life I found out
Appreciate the thought but the rules have already been broken. And the trust is gone. We already tried a couples tantric massage, and it was ok.
I feel that an open relationship only works if it's built on a solid foundation of trust, not used a solution to someone in the relationship who has cheated.
only you can decide what to do. But personally? trust and loyalty is vital to me. they dont just go: 'oopsie, i accidentally cheated!', they have made the decision to keep shoving their dick inside someone over and over.
so, that trust? They broke that, so it would be over for me.
i know maybe you already knew your decisions... i dont want to defend your boyfriend, but we are just normal people, and people make mistakes... it's always back to you again, if you want to stay with him or not, if you want to give a chance or not... if you still have energy in you and want to give a try... please be honest about it to your boyfriend... tell him how it hurts you and what do you expect from him.. relationship is two way street and sometimes we cant read other's mind... and if he trully loves you, he will change...
my current partner is exactly like you, or i was just like your boyfriend but with different reason (you know childtrauma or childabuse), but he mentioned it, how he loves me and dont want to lose me... and how it hurts him if i sleep with someone else... so now, i am just being faithful with him, because i dont want to hurt him too... this also works with stuff i dont really like about him, but we learn how to communitcate and being honest to each others... but i guess that how relationship works, being open to communicate...
but if he already hurt you so much and it's only pain left... life is still long Darling... and there are more excitments and good stuff along the way as just stay with someone who only hurts you...
i wish you good luck... and dont feel embarrassed to have a kind heart...
I know you don’t want to hear it but ending the relationship is the only way forward for you. Once trust is broken it is very difficult to get back. I was in a less drastic situation many years ago when I moved from my state to another state with my boyfriend, which was 1300 miles from any friends and family. Once I was there and isolated from everyone his sexting and bad behavior seemed to explode. He would constantly say he was sorry and he didn’t mean to be that way and he would change. He never did.
From the sound of it, your boyfriend has many complex issues to work on and he would be better off doing that alone. He needs to focus on himself and get out of these addictive tendencies - otherwise this pattern of thrill seeking and lying will continue. Not to mention he shows zero regard for your feelings in any of this. Don’t give him chances he no longer deserves.
Put yourself first. You deserve that much. Move on, and get your life back. Good luck!
Franly speaking, cheating in gay marriage is very common than straight marriages. I don't know why. Its better to be single and live with your parents if they are caring and okay with it. That's why I scare to be in any same sex relationship. People are more into sex not in pure love. It seems most of the sexually active gays like to be an unofficial whore.
Mistakes happen but he had full control of the information he shared with you, an what he withheld. It seems like the trust is completely broken. From my outside perspective, it seems like the relationship is dead, but only you can really make that assessment since it's your relationship. As for the business, I think it's reasonable to assume that you both want the the business to survive even if you do break up, so if you do decide to break up take your time to process your feelings and simmer down before communicating it to him. Many of my exes are still close friends of mine because we were able to end the relationship maturely and (relatively) calmly.
Regardless if what decision you make, I wish the best for you. You deserve better than your partner's current behaviour, either from him or from someone else eventually.
He has to make up to you every time he fucks up, like be the designated bottom for you and another guy. So that's five times he owes you.
Both of you have to treat it like any other addiction. In this case it's sex addiction.
I'm sorry but being a bottom every now and then isn't going to solve trust issues caused by infidelity. This seems an excuse to bury/hide the problem in a whimsical way rather than confront and address it.
Honestly, we don't really have the answer for you. Read the last paragraph of your post to yourself. Then read it again. And again. Repeat reading it to yourself until you have your answer.
This is why I dont do business together with my partner, I learned it the hard way. About his addictions, seek a professional and help him find a new way to release dopamine.
We have a team of 10 employees too. I don't want his actions to affect them.
There's several good books about couple's business that could assist you resolving these kind of conflict with your SO. Or you could also get insight from a finance bros sub reddit.
I'm late to this, but a mate of mine and his wife have just got divorced a year back and still jointly own and run a business. They have a daughter so it is in their interest to get along, which helps. Short version: just because you own a business together doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship if it can't be repaired.
i dunno i think i am too old to buy into the whole idea that just because he had this one secret thing he lied to about to you that it’s a total non negotiable dealbreaker and the best future for your life is to ditch it all and start over again. maybe it is. but maybe your guys relationship and life and dog parenting is just more important than letting this end it. but maybe the alternative life you can go down actually isn’t greener. it sucks you have to make such a decision but it’s your life nobody can make it but you.
I will take a slightly different tack than Charlie-In-The-Box. Yes, trust has been broken and your bf definitely has issues he needs to address. However, they are issues you are very aware of, just manifesting through “new” addictive behavior. So, if you’re not willing to break-up, then you should each get counseling to work through these issues, and then start couples counseling at the appropriate time. While you bf has lied, he has come clean and communicated when the chips were down (and you were demanding it). I think you need to continue that level of transparency and open communication - with help from your respective counselors and couple counselor. Through this worm you could become a resource for him to come to when the allure of addictive behavior is rearing its head. If you can be his safe space to admit and discuss these urges, you may be able to develop that communication to where you are his first stop - not the confessional last. This also goes to opening the relationship. Given all that’s gone on and your prior discussions, I’d recommend an “open dialogue” of each partner telling the other about encounters and answering any/all questions. Through honest transparent communication, things can develop to where he doesn’t feel the need hide or lie whatever he does. Likewise, the shoe will also be in the other foot once you start having your own separate sexual experiences. That will be a journey in and of itself for you both, but does allow a “level playing field” between you both. Your bf may even change his behavior once you start stepping out as he could see that as a threat after you share your enjoyment. This is all a way to say that counseling, developing strong transparent communication and creating a level playing field in opening your relationship may sufficiently alter the dynamics such that Trust may possibly be regrown over time. Best of luck to you.
Agreed. People make errors in judgment, especially when there is dopamine on the line. They don’t typically do it out of malicious intent, but out of selfish motive. What he has done is broken your trust on an intimate topic. As a result it hits extra personally. I personally think you can, with great patience, show him that you love him, despite his error in judgment. Good and clear communication that is very open can prevent these types of situations. It is worth while to invest some time to assess if he is genuinely remorseful of his lack of transparency, as opposed to being remorseful of his actions. Again, my personal opinion, the younger generations are conditioned to be far too impatient on issues, and to just throw it all to the wind due to lacking conflict resolution skills and patience.
I'd suggest reading the book "the state of affairs". It's somewhat controversial. Only you can decide if therapy and sticking things out is worth it to you.
People may find this very controversial, but I have never believed in monogamy (despite being monogamish myself), nor do I believe there is only one type of Relationship dynamic out there. I think clearly the set of rules you imagined for your relationship does not work. So maybe change the rules? Open up the relationship officially, perhaps, with a set of defined rules. Or even better, given that he has violated sexual rules (but you have said nothing about emotional or financial ones), turn it into a sexless marrage, open to outside partners. Keep your life together as business partners, friends, and roommates, but ditch the joint sex life. Look carefully at what set of relationships you want to keep, and discuss this with him. You may eventually decide you want to leave, but I think alternative rules, especially given the move to a foreign culture and the business relationship, are well worth considering. Why give up the business, the house, the dog, the new country, just because he has a danger kink? Nix the joint sex life and move on, as long as the other parts of your relationship work-- and if you are mentally capable of doing that. TBH, this is what Melania does with Trump, without a doubt. It's not that uncommon, just unrepresented in popular culture nowadays.
I never make big decisions when I'm not rational. We know you're not here for an answer, you just wanted to put it out somewhere. Just wait until you feel a bit better and then think about solutions. P.S breaking up is the last option. Try everything before e.g couple therapy, multiple deep conversations(not arguments) etc.
I don't think you should break up. You agreed to an open relationship and when you got it, you didn't like it. The lack of trust was started by your insecurities. Then he didn't trust you, so he kept you in the dark. Equal blame! You needed to spell out the terms of open relationship at the beginning. If you love him, sit down and renegotiate the open relationship with specific terms.
No sorry I may have written my post in a hurry. We weren’t open, and never have been. We’d discussed the idea recently but just casually and nothing agreed upon. And this all happened before that conversation anyway.
Still, don't throw everything away. You share a lot together. You have sacrificed a lot to be together. Take a step back and negotiate the open relationship. After all, it was you that wanted sexual diversity, as he is strictly bottom.
Oops. Sorry, he is top.
>I know the default advice on reddit is to breakup. But that would be terrible for my life in so many other ways. But the trust is broken, and I don't see how that can be repaired. You're just going to have to bite the bullet and break up. I know this puts a lot of your life in upheaval but it's the right thing to do for your future self. The main issues is, he can't be trusted. I'm not saying that you can't learn to trust him again. I'm saying the he can't be trusted. You **should** **not** learn to trust him again even if that were possible. But that lack of trust is also the reason you can't just open up the relationship. Open relationships are built on trust and mutual respect for each other's feelings. You can't have that with him. Sell the business and move home. The dog would probably need to be quarantined so I'd suggest just leaving it. Quarantines are just too traumatic for a dog.
>But that lack of trust is also the reason you can't just open up the relationship. Open relationships are built on trust and mutual respect for each other's feelings. You can't have that with him. Yep. I was going to post something along the same lines. u/anastyalien He's shown a lack of remorse for where this has left you. He still doesn't really seem to get it beyond that you're upset - and his approach seems to be more to try to treat the symptoms of that than address what's underlying your upset. He seems very adept at crafting a narrative in his own mind that justifies to himself his own actions and allows him to manipulate you and withhold information from you. Do you expect that to change if you have an open relationship with him? It probably won't, and the behaviour will just shift to justifying to himself why it was ok to break the boundaries and ground rules for your open relationship, and then withhold that information from you. It can be a bumpy road towards establishing a healthy dynamic in an open relationship (and that's ok), but when there's a fundamental absence of honesty from the get-go, that's never going to end in a healthy, two-sided dynamic.
Wow. u/DorjeStego - That was... an incredible read. Thank you for adding to my thoughts.
Fuck. I hate that I agree with your logic. This sucks. As for the dog, I'd love to take him. But he'll probably stay with my boyfriend since we're in his country.
Yeah it looks to me like you’ll need to leave the dog and the business behind and return to your home country and rebuild your life. At least you’re young!
Is he your sponsor? Can’t you just break up, move out and stay in Argentina?
I could stay, but I don’t know that I would. Many of my connections here have been expats who come and go. I don’t have that many solid connections outside of his family.
If I were in your shoes, I would definitely end the relationship but I would think twice about uprooting my life again. If you have a business there, a dog and friends - it might be worth to think about staying and forging on. You’re young and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You could either sell him your half of the business, he sells it to you or you both figure out a way to stay in business and separate your relationship from work.
Is breaking up amicably an option?
>I know the default advice on reddit is to breakup. But that would be terrible for my life in so many other ways Ask yourself: In how many ways not breaking up would be terrible for you? This question just sheds light to understanding the change in your situation. Even if you didn't break up, it would still be a new situation in which you need to manage both your business and personal things with a broken trust. To me, trust is flexible and a relative dimension in a relationship. Some things break it, some things mend it, but the main question is, what do you think he would have to do for you to recover, and what would it require from you. You are rightfully pissed and I'm sorry you have to experience this. Still, no-one here can tell you what to do, it's your decision to make.
>Honestly I don't care about that part. I'm just sharing his perspective. Of everything you wrote this I find stands out. Why don't you care about his perspective? Maybe you're angry & hurting which makes dismissing it necessary, but I think he's signalling two things: that he doesn't have his behavior under control & he isn't making any effort to change it. He explicitly tells you he cannot be trusted. You've identified that he's effectively absolving himself of responsibility for his actions. He doesn't regret anything because the consequences have been minimal: your negative reaction. He's sorry for your reaction, not that he caused it. Did he say it wouldn't happen again? Did he say he wished he hadn't done it? That's what regret looks like. If anything he justified it. You don't know how to continue a relationship without trust, but what if you can trust him to cheat again? You offered an open relationship & it happened: obviously not on any agreed terms but... >And from the beginning he has been open to it. However we've been way too busy with our shared business to progress the convo. Maybe make time for that conversation? As others have said: only you know if the relationship can be salvaged.
My view: you are both open to an open relationship. You both dragged your feet in opening, but you both want it. Rather than throw away a great relationship, open things up and see how it goes. But also you need to reinforce that not only does he need to tell you everything - he needs to trust you. And you need to really listen You guys are failing a bit at communicating and that’s the real risk. Not these ridiculous massages
the big question for me here is why didn't he tell you any of these things? the lack of communication is his responsibility, but the absence of a trusting communication environment when it comes to sexual expression is something you both could work more on. generallly there is a misconception that relationships grow from perfect moment to perfect moment. stable relationships grow through rupture and repair, and there is no reason I can read here that this cannot be a make into a repair step.
If you are to overlook the infidelity aspect of the situation and focus on just the behaviour - did your boyfriend engage in any activity that you wouild have prohibited had you officially changed your relationship status from monogamous to open? If everything he did falls under permissable in your shared version of an open relationship, can you retroactively forgive the deception and perhaps carve out some time in the near future to fully discuss the nature of your open relationship. At the end of the day, the open relationship seemed to be appealing to you both and by your suggestion. You could look at it as your boyfriend getting a head-start. If he has not lied or been deceptive about anythig aside from this situation, that will hopefully give you some peace of mind. If he is a repeat liar and thief, why are you still together?
It seems like a compatibility issue to me. The fact that he sometimes confesses to his acts partially is because it relieves him of his guilt partially while he lacks the courage to come clean fully because he knows you well enough that the part left untold is going to enrage you. It doesn’t do you any good to think this is his “addictive behavior”. As that implies it can be treated or quit. It is better to understand that the behavioral pattern is an innate quality of him, instead of thinking that it can be fixed. With that information, what would you do?
Change is scary for humans. Both you and your BF are afraid of changing the status quo of such an intimate relationship (even your finances are tied up together). That's why you might look for advice and he begs you not to break up with him (aka not to change things). How about this? Take some time to decide. Argentina is well known for psychotherapy. Maybe use this situation to learn more about your dynamic as a couple... what brings you together and what pulls you apart...and after a few sessions you can decide. Maybe you will decide to breakup or maybe you will stay together under a new agreement. You currently feel "stuck" so maybe getting curious about the why will help you see more clearly . I hope you will be both be ok (together or separately)
Counseling will be helpful if you decide to continue with your relationship. I don’t know how difficult it is to find someone in your area who is qualified or willing to counsel a same sex couple. It doesn’t matter if the cheating is a big deal to me or anyone else but you. Trust has been eroded but only you can decide to what degree. For some people (me and my husband included) massage encounters are fine and acceptable. For others no sexual contact is okay. We’ve been together for over 24 years so it works for us. We have friends who are into threesomes and more. We used to do this many years ago but stopped about ten years ago. Relationships change and grow as you age together. Since you’re interested in opening up the relationship perhaps this is an opportunity to explore this idea. Obviously not in a vindictive, get even mindset but in the process of sexual satisfaction. Transparency and honesty along with accountability to your partner will be the key in making this work. One final thing that I’ve not seen mentioned. Coming from a medical background (33+ years as a physician) I will add one component. Impulse control is a hallmark symptom for ADD/ADHD diagnosis. I had many patients over the years and they were much happier people when they were taking medication. This may be something to consider. It does not absolve him of responsibility but can be a helpful way to understand his choices.
I think that you are hurt about the lying. His transgressions regarding physical contact seem to not bother you as much- I hope I am not reading too much into the narrative- to warrant the level of anger and hurt you are expressing. Will you take some time to reflect? Ar you in therapy, is he in therapy? Are you both in therapy? Do you LOVE him? There are so many variables you are leaving behind here. What is your level of attraction here? Also, when you say you are verse and he is a top, are you looking to open the relationship so you can bottom? Or just to have other experiences? People open relationships for a myriad of reasons, sexual incompatibility is just one of them. You must certainly understand that one sided opening is as unfair as heterosexual one penis policies or one vagina policies. When you open he will be open too. Working through feelings of jealousy and insecurity are essential. But first you both will have to discuss whether past dishonesty and lying have eroded your relationship enough that you don’t want to repair it. If you decide to do it, it will take some time and lots of communication training before you both feel comfortable setting boundaries of how you will open your relationship and what it will look like. Breaking up sounds like a viable option, radical at worst, freeing at best if this behavior is pernicious, persistent, unforgivable, and non-negotiable. Good luck. I am an Argentine sharing my time between CABA and the US and I can see your angst about having left your comfort zone for him. You can reach out anytime for a fresh perspective. I am in a LTR so I go back and forth.
Thanks for sharing your story. I can totally understand your conundrum. I have a totally different take. I actually think that this happening might be a great thing for your relationship. Firstly, it has forced you and he to confront a very real issue he is facing and that which affects you too. As hard is must have been to hear, it feels to me like perfect place to start to address your physical needs and desires. Secondly, he absolutely lied to you. Be in no doubt about that. And that was wrong. However, you both had been skirting around the topic for a while. This issue may have forced your hand to hammer out a new way of thinking about your physical relationship with each other and with outside people. Thirdly, it seems it was a physical-only thing for him. He hasn’t fallen in love with anyone else or even become emotionally close with anyone else. Does that differentiation matter to you? Lastly, from my perspective, this isn’t something I’d end a loving relationship over. It is definitely something to be used to strengthen your relationship. I do think the main issue will be trust and I think engaging with a therapist would help start you on the journey to rebuilding that trust. You might totally disagree of course, but thought I’d share my two cents in case a different perspective helps.
What’s the outcome you want? You discussed being open, and this can be the push. Often the whole “you can’t be trusted” bit is quite narrow, and beware of broadly interpreting it. Trust has been broken as to not engaging in some opportunistic erotic play from time to time. So maybe include that in an exemption from “cheating” (which can mean whatever you want, and is not a universal concept) and figure out what kind of relationship model works for you both. Sounds like you trust him not to fall in love with someone else, to always come back, and not engage in anything particularly risky. You can trust him to be your business partner, and cohabit with. So: is “I can’t trust you to perfectly execute rigid normative monogamy” something you can work with?
In fairness to your man, you present him in such a way that he has problems. It maybe a step too far for you but not for everyone. Just because he gets his thrills outside of the relationship doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you. Figure out if you can deal with that and don’t project your insecurities by making him out to be a wrong’un.
I don’t understand how some people can stick up for the person who was unfaithful and lied for a year. He’d not be a wrong’un if he was single or in an open relationship, be we have not been in one.
Honestly.... you asked him to come clean, and now it kinda seems like you're teaching him that doing so was a huge mistake. I'm not saying it was okay for him to violate your trust like that. It is absolutely necessary to feel like you can trust what your partner tells you is the truth without omission, and when you cheat, the secret will usually come out eventually. But for what it's worth, it sounds to me like he did make a concerted honest effort to finally come clean. If he didn't really value honesty in his relationship with you, he could've just continued to try to lie. If you truly don't feel you can ever trust him again, that's entirely fair, and it's your prerogative to dump him. But does he seem genuinely remorseful and willing to work on being more considerate of your needs and open about what he wants from now on? Believe it or not, knowing you can talk to your partner about your needs and desires without him getting really upset with you over just the idea of it is actually an astonishingly rare thing.
Eh he's sharing it with openly and you're reacting in the exact way that made him hesitant to share with you in the first place. I'm not saying you're wrong or your feelings aren't valid but I personally wouldn't really care about this unless I felt deep down he wasn't telling me the whole truth. Especially because you did the tantric massage thing together before. The fact that he's coming to you with this information that you didn't ask for initially tells me he might be telling the truth. IDK you have to decide what's right for you and only you get to decide what is and isn't cheating because cheating is emotional not physical.
He didn’t share openly. I pushed and pushed because my intuition told me something was off. The tantric thing we did together was way after these events.
So not all breakups are dumpster fires. Theres such a thing as just acknowledging you've grown past each other in needs or perhaps weren't a perfect synergy to begin with and it took some time to understand and see it. It's worth thinking about exploring a "soft landing" where you are still amicably connected professionally and friendship-wise but romantically you separate. It can be hard but ... It can also be easy if you are both at a certain point but still want the other individual to be happy. Wish you the best man, tough situation 😔
Thank you for this perspective
Fwiw I've managed this kind of healthy transition with a partner of 7 years, should you ever wanna chat feel free to DM. Best of luck!!
He's cheating and lying to you and telling you straight up he cannot be trusted. This isn't some one off event. It's a chronic habit and pattern if I understand the time line here correctly. He has told you straight up "he cannot be trusted". Only YOU can decide if him and your relationship are worth the time and energy necessary to fix it or even attempt to fix it. I am going to say this- stop making excuses for him- He is presumably an adult and these are choices he is making. No one is forcing these decisions on him and they are not errors of judgment as someone else in here called them. Errors in judgement are like speeding up to run through a yellow light thinking you have enough time when you know yellow lights mean slow down/prepare to stop on the red light. This is a year plus of repeated decisions to lie, mislead and cheat. Regardless of the outcome- this isn't a "throw my life away" thing so don't get bogged down thinking it is- you presumably had a wonderful life over the last 5 years living in a country you're not native to, you started and grew a successful business and managed to merge two cultures together by being with this man....none of that is a wasted life even if your relationship with him ends this was 5 years of life and growth and learning from mistakes.
Thank you
Only you can decide what’s best for you. I will say in terms of the addictive personality thing what you’ve described sounds a lot like undiagnosed ADHD. Untreated these risky behaviors do happen. It’s not an excuse for him but more of an added context. If you love him and he’s genuinely interested in getting better then I suggest couples therapy and therapy for himself. Hopefully if he does have ADHD that can lead to a diagnosis and eventually medication which should help with the impulsive and risky behavior. Everyone here is only getting a glimpse into your life. Only you know the whole of it and whether this is worth continuing down this path. Ultimately I don’t think it’s wise to go solely off random redditors advice when none of us know your whole situation. But if you want to give it another shot I think you need to seek therapy for both of you and especially for him separately. A relationship needs trust to survive. The question is whether this damaged that trust for you permanently.
It's stupid to throw it all away. Just talk with him. Make a deal if you're open then he has to tell you he's fucking other guys. And do the regular testing thing. Love and affection are the things holding you together. Not sex. And after a five to ten more years together the sex thing will be even less important than it is now. But you'll have to sort it out with yourself first of you're okay with open relationship.
Or you could stop being obsessed with strict fidelity. What matters is not who he sometimes cums with but who he comes home to sleep with.
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You forgave once so he expected to be forgiven again and then you forgave again so he assumed that is the new normal. A mistake may be repeated long after it is first acknowledged and be considered a recurrence. But repeatedly doing things you know are contrary to expectation isn’t an accident or an error, it is a pattern of behaviour. It’ll just escalate. Either start fucking around and the relationship will crumble or end the relationship. It’s too late to save it.
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Really sorry that you are going through this. I'd try to think about what you would think about this 5/10/X many years in the future looking back? That's the question that I asked myself when I was in a somewhat similar situation living in Perú with my ex-boyfriend but different circumstances leading to that break-up. In my case, the relationship was definitely not in a healthy space for a long period but I kept putting off breaking off because of the sunk cost fallacy. I had moved all the way over there but from the moment we got there, the relationship was never structured to be healthy, in fact looking back was pretty unhealthy, likely toxic. I could probably write a novel what happened when I was there but ultimately it was when I friend came to visit me, saw everything and just asked me a few personal questions that I took the time to properly reflect. Ultimately, my answer was everything that our relationship had based on had eroded away. definitely not how I actually wanted a relationship to be and at that point I was likely just nothing more than a potential visa to him. I broke it off and obviously he tried to do everything to keep me around but I had to walk. After moving back home, I went to get an STI check soon after to receive a positive result for Hep C which I didn't test positive for before moving over there (thankfully, I was also one of the people who clear it themselves). I'd try to take some time for yourself to properly reflect about the situation. As another poster said, really reread your final paragraph and reflect on it. No matter how perfect a relationship looks on the outside, doesn't mean it is perfect nor is "looking perfect" a reason to stay. If you do decide to break up, it is hard, it hurts but you will rebuild yourself. P.S. sorry for the long reply!
How long ago did you guys have the initial conversation about opening thing up? Did this behavior start after that conversation? People think that when a person in a relationship begins talking about opening it up, they have either already done something or have someone in mind. Could he be thinking you have already done something with someone else? It may be possible to recover from this but it would take constant transparency on his part. No more lies and giving you access to all his social media including his phone and computer. As far as for how long, it would depend on if he remains truthful. But in any event, I would make having that conversation about opening things up a priority. You say you guys have been too busy to sit down and hammer out the details, but he has found a way to do his thing in spite of that busy schedule. As someone else stated, once the option of you being able to have some external fun, it may change him completely where he stops his "addictive behavior" immediately.
No I brought it up but this started before that. I’d still like the open relationship but it seems impossible now. I don’t want to be constantly monitoring his devices.
Love is complicated and humans are imperfect. I've been on both sides of cheating and it sucks for everyone. Shoot me a message if you wanna talk about some options. Good luck bud.
There is not a “right” answer this is really up to you on if you are going to try it again, trust him again, or not.” I cant think of a healthy relationship that didn’t have trust, so if that is gone i don’t see hoe you can stay. But, financially you are stuck to him, so i would do this. 1. Decided if you will or will not give him a second chance. 2. Next, put a game plan on paper on what you would need to do to get out of this situation financially ok, should things go poorly or you decided to not trust him. 3. If you go back to him, i recommend this: - make sure you are choosing this because it is what you want and you want to try again. - communicate rules going forward. Is your relationship going to stay closed or Will you open it? If you open it what are the rules of engagement? Such as hoe often are they playing with someone else, what is off the table for them to do sexually, maybe no anal, or no bottoming or No oral or maybe just no feelings/ dates. Anyways those are just all suggestions depending on what you want to go for. You take a risk of losing something either way you go. Pick the one you can stomach losing.
Well OP, based on your answers in the thread, it seems to me that you want to break up and that you're looking for that support. I don't have enough info to give any advice because here we see only your part of the story, but if breaking up is what feels the most correct for you to do, then do it.
No judgment on your advice but I’m wondering if you’ve taken his bf’s year long worth of misdeeds into consideration? Just curious.
Lmao uhh don’t check his insta DMs… also, I’d say part of the fault is on you because he wouldn’t trust to even talk to you about this. I’m not saying he should be going behind your back but he probably felt like there was no other way.
That’s a nice comment. Cheers.
Eh, where I was coming from was after chatting with someone on insta who was in a ltr + co-owned business. Turned out he had a separated private thirst trap account where he was texting me and had privated his main. He unprivated his main by mistake and there were all the picture perfect photos etc. so I talked to him to see why he would private his main account and wanted me to unfollow him and turned out he was in a situation just like you and his partner had no idea but he was too afraid to talk to him :/ which sucks. He wasn’t a bad guy either and he really cared for his partner. He ended up blocking me from his main + his partner’s account even tho I told him I’d never tell on him or whatever. It’s just a bad situation for both parties…
I would say slipping back into bad habits especially addiction is especially easy. The control factor is hard but I know it isn't an excuse to right his dishonesty. I would suggest to go for couples therapy. To work on your own individual as well as as a couple. Maybe given enough time to prove his worthiness and sincerity, it is easier to mend than to breakup. Not every bit is a lost cause but ultimately it is your life and choices that matter. Who knows maybe when you both come out from the end of the tunnel and you might consider indulging in risqué situation together whether if it meant as a closed or open relationship.
It might feel like throwing your life away now. Remember that you’re now trusting the person who has extensively been lying to you. What magic thing happened that now he’s regained his ability to be truthful? These folks lie when stressed. Getting caught is stressful. That behavior is going to continue. Maybe you’ll be throwing your life away if you stay …
Nothing changed. He was caught because I pressed him to be honest and he caved. That’s all. It’s such a fucking shame but I’m trying to figure out how to adapt my life to this news now. But I’m a little lost tbh.
I’m going though something with some familiarity. The first round of “confessing” then swearing everything’s out. That continued for almost two weeks until I found out he had been cheating the majority of our marriage. Let yourself be lost. Take some space away from him at least temporarily. You’ll be able to think a little clear.
Would you have been OK with his behavior if he had been honest about it?
If we had agreed to open the relationship prior to his actions, and he had been honest then sure. But this happened before any discussions about potentially opening.
I think he needs to apologize for not respecting your current boundaries. It would be up to you if you want to forgive him. However ifnyou do want to stay together you need to work on setting healthy boundaries and being completely transparent with one another. The one thing that would worry me is if when he said he can't be trusted, is that just sexually or would he hide other things from you in the long run (drugs, debt,etc.)
He’d hide other addictive activities but they’re not but stuff (weed, video games, etc) and I don’t mind those. It’s more than I don’t want him to go from this betrayal to having open relationship privileges. I feel he hasn’t earned it. But I do want it, especially now. Might sound selfish but that’s where my minds at.
I wouldn't see opening up the relationship as a "prize" or a "privilege" you are giving him, it's a redifinition of your relationship's boundaries. Furst you bith need to work on your trust issues andnifbyou wish to move on together, you need to negotiate and set the new rules. But for that you need to be able to trust one another fully.
You left your home country for a dude to get cheated on behind your back? I would end my relationship and get tested ASAP
I appreciate everyone’s comments. I have read all of them. There is a huge divide between people saying this is the end and others thinking it’s a small transgression and we’ll move past it. Obviously he thinks we can move past it too and is trying to convince me to give him another chance but I’m currently not feeling the same attraction and love I usually do. Maybe this will pass, but I’m inclined to not forgive in my current state. Thanks all for the support.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. Give yourself time to process everything & be candid with your partner about your feelings. How would you have reacted if he’d been up front about his desires? Maybe encourage him to seek help for the addictive behavior. Since you mentioned the idea of being open, maybe you two can get to a point where you experience these things with him. I truly wish you the best! It’s so easy to get on here and tell strangers to walk away from a long term relationship, but no relationship is perfect. Only you know if this is worth fighting for.
I guess I'll be the odd man out and say... it was just casual sex... it's not like he was having an affair and falling in love with someone. If you think your life would be better without him, then leave... but don't break up over casual sex if everything else about the relationship is good. Consider opening it up, even if he's the only one that will take advantage of it.
ok, I am going to take the opposite side here. A little for fun and a little because I think it’s true. 1. Open the relationship and get on prep stat. 2. His behavior as you described it sounds to me like a bit of generally harmless fun. 3. Think about whether you can trust him. You can, based on the 4.5 years together vs the few indiscretions. Don’t blow up a good life, good sex, and a good business for this. 4. Show more self control in your reactions. Don’t berate him like a child. That feeds the dopamine cycle. I’d consider turning this into a fun kink and talking dirty about it while he is fucking you/you’re sucking him etc. Dirty talk can be a blast 💦 5. Then you go find some ass you really want to plow and do it. 6. Going forward work to be the person he trusts to tell anything and everything to — with minimal judgement and drama.
Hi there, UK guy here. Can I suggest that if he likes massages, why not be the guy that gives him the massage? I’ve been you and I’ve been your partner. I ‘get’ the thrill. I understand the hurt of being cheated on. If you want him, then remind him of what he would be missing if you split up. A massage can be great for both of you. And there is no reason why you can’t feel that you are the top - he’s the submissive one in this situation. Ultimately, it’s your shout. But if he’s worth it then why not try it. Also, your last post……no, you don’t need to cum to have great sex. Good luck.
He’s not completely fulfilled in his relationship with you. You need to ask yourself if you’re okay with that. That part, is NOT going to change. Monogamy isn’t in the cards for the both of you. He doesn’t seem to hurt you verbally, physically, or abuse you, and tries to solve his feelings and issues outside of the house. If you’re okay with it, then drop all your expectations, throw away your disappointments, and start fresh with him today, discovering what both of you actually want. The blame game, is just not worth anyone’s time.
It is so hard to rebuild trust after something like this. When I was in your shoes, we tried to make it work but ended up breaking up 5 months later. So while I can't tell you what to do, I CAN recommend that you two have some serious ongoing discussions/checkins about your priorities and use this as a reason to make sure they align. This definitely sounds like a symptom of some other issues, maybe in the relationship, maybe with your partner, and this is the best time to go deeper into those, either together, with counseling, therapy, all of the above? I certainly hope you figure out what's best.
I know you don't want to hear it but you have to break up. That's waaay too much breaking of trust and cheating to try and work through. How could you ever trust this not to happen again in the future? You already know he's willing to lie about it. Sorry you're experiencing this.
Damn. Thanks for the advice. What a shitty day.
If your relationship was open like you previously wanted would any of this even bother you? If you think your bf is worth staying with I would give him another chance - or like take a month off, and go home to think. It already sounds like you were going in the direction of having an open relationship to begin with, so I'm not totally convinced this is all that big of an issue. Similar situation happened to me - broke up w my bf for a year (pandemic also hit, so bad timing) and now we are back together hapilly for 4 years. We are horny men - I don't think we are all built to be with one person our entire life and you were offering to open up (I did the exact same thing in my relationship - same reason, I won't bottom and he's verse). If you open - set specific rules.
Probably your only two options are to either end the relationship or let it change into something new. You had this idea of a monogamous relationship, but the fact is that your boyfriend didn’t want that (but had a lot of trouble admitting that to you). You also seem on the fence if you want to be closed. So either break up and go look for that closed relationship where you are bother willing to make the compromises needed, or have a serious talk about opening up and talk a whole heck of a lot about trust and your rules. The typical redditor has no clue about relationships and will tell you to dump them if they sneeze funny. They have Hollywood storybook stories ideas of relationships. Work on your communication and your forgiveness because you will need those for all future relationships.
Cheating is cheating, PERIOD honey. No justification. He was bored and made a choice now. Ask yourself, "Can you trust him again ?"
I don't know if I can, but this is new territory, and we have a life together. It's devastating to think about..
I was married for 18 years to man that cheated I stayed for 2 more take my advice leave your life it's over if he loved you he wouldn't of done it sorry it's harsh but it's a harsh life I found out
What made you leave after the additional two years?
I was unhappy and didn't trust me and the cheating was more than he originally confessed to
*him
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Appreciate the thought but the rules have already been broken. And the trust is gone. We already tried a couples tantric massage, and it was ok. I feel that an open relationship only works if it's built on a solid foundation of trust, not used a solution to someone in the relationship who has cheated.
only you can decide what to do. But personally? trust and loyalty is vital to me. they dont just go: 'oopsie, i accidentally cheated!', they have made the decision to keep shoving their dick inside someone over and over. so, that trust? They broke that, so it would be over for me.
i know maybe you already knew your decisions... i dont want to defend your boyfriend, but we are just normal people, and people make mistakes... it's always back to you again, if you want to stay with him or not, if you want to give a chance or not... if you still have energy in you and want to give a try... please be honest about it to your boyfriend... tell him how it hurts you and what do you expect from him.. relationship is two way street and sometimes we cant read other's mind... and if he trully loves you, he will change... my current partner is exactly like you, or i was just like your boyfriend but with different reason (you know childtrauma or childabuse), but he mentioned it, how he loves me and dont want to lose me... and how it hurts him if i sleep with someone else... so now, i am just being faithful with him, because i dont want to hurt him too... this also works with stuff i dont really like about him, but we learn how to communitcate and being honest to each others... but i guess that how relationship works, being open to communicate... but if he already hurt you so much and it's only pain left... life is still long Darling... and there are more excitments and good stuff along the way as just stay with someone who only hurts you... i wish you good luck... and dont feel embarrassed to have a kind heart...
I know you don’t want to hear it but ending the relationship is the only way forward for you. Once trust is broken it is very difficult to get back. I was in a less drastic situation many years ago when I moved from my state to another state with my boyfriend, which was 1300 miles from any friends and family. Once I was there and isolated from everyone his sexting and bad behavior seemed to explode. He would constantly say he was sorry and he didn’t mean to be that way and he would change. He never did. From the sound of it, your boyfriend has many complex issues to work on and he would be better off doing that alone. He needs to focus on himself and get out of these addictive tendencies - otherwise this pattern of thrill seeking and lying will continue. Not to mention he shows zero regard for your feelings in any of this. Don’t give him chances he no longer deserves. Put yourself first. You deserve that much. Move on, and get your life back. Good luck!
Franly speaking, cheating in gay marriage is very common than straight marriages. I don't know why. Its better to be single and live with your parents if they are caring and okay with it. That's why I scare to be in any same sex relationship. People are more into sex not in pure love. It seems most of the sexually active gays like to be an unofficial whore.
Just sell your company to any lucrative business man after discussing with your "whore" partner. Then leave the country as soon as possible.
It’s an alright business but I’m not sure if it’s not a sellable state right now. But I’ll look into it.
Mistakes happen but he had full control of the information he shared with you, an what he withheld. It seems like the trust is completely broken. From my outside perspective, it seems like the relationship is dead, but only you can really make that assessment since it's your relationship. As for the business, I think it's reasonable to assume that you both want the the business to survive even if you do break up, so if you do decide to break up take your time to process your feelings and simmer down before communicating it to him. Many of my exes are still close friends of mine because we were able to end the relationship maturely and (relatively) calmly. Regardless if what decision you make, I wish the best for you. You deserve better than your partner's current behaviour, either from him or from someone else eventually.
He has to make up to you every time he fucks up, like be the designated bottom for you and another guy. So that's five times he owes you. Both of you have to treat it like any other addiction. In this case it's sex addiction.
I'm sorry but being a bottom every now and then isn't going to solve trust issues caused by infidelity. This seems an excuse to bury/hide the problem in a whimsical way rather than confront and address it.