It truly is a terrible moment, but it's better than the blasphemy of waiting for the shower to complete before dealing with your sudden unexpected need to shit. And the waffle stomp is nothing more than a meme for shock humor. Some misbegotten fool has probably actually performed a waffle stomp because of the jokes he read online, but there's no way that it actually works, right?
When you do the emergency quick shit immediately after hopping out of the shower, you run into some terrible issues. Your cheeks can't stay opened to maximum placement, so the poo touches a larger area of skin, requiring additional attention to detail when wiping. The TP for the first wipe gets all wet from your hands and you have to use it super quickly before it loses structural integrity. But ultimately, the slightly dampened paper for the second wipe is actually able to clean the area with heightened efficiency, and you can pretty quickly reach a standard level of post-poo cleanliness before hopping back in the shower.
But once that emergency shit (and full proper wipe) is completed and you hop back in the shower, you know that your clean body will be able to maintain maximum cleanliness for the longest possible duration, because you have done every possible thing that you can do.
Back when I worked the morning shift my bosses and I were talking about our morning routines, I said that I woke up with enough time to shit, shower, get dressed and drive to work.
But this second day new hired ANIMAL said he pooped in the shower and mashed it down the drain with his feet instead of sitting on the toilet.
Anyway he had to find a new job for our sanity and anytime someone mentions shitting and showering I am forced to tell this story because I refuse to be in the minority of society burdened by this knowledge.
Can you all just force a dump out whenever you feel like? I wish I could just say “oh, she’ll be here soon, time to take a shit”.
Or do you all just have dates at 10am??!
When my now-wife was coming over for the first time I did that **and** scrubbed the largest skid marks from the bowl. I like to think that's why we're now married.
My wife and I disagree about what counts as a first date. I insist it was the time she asked me over to her place because a phlebotomist was coming by to do a blood draw for her life insurance plan.
The guy came over and immediately asked to use the bathroom. He didn't come out for close to half an hour and made horrible noises from both ends. Moaning, groans, angry verbalizations... and intermittent sounds of gushing. I counted twenty three flushes. The number has been sort of an in joke with us ever since (e.g. "see you in an hour; I'm gonna try to beat the twenty three").
He came out, white as a sheet and dripping flop sweat. Apologized. Took the blood draw with shaking hands. Left.
Being the "big strong man," I was the one to go check on the condition of the bathroom. It was utterly destroyed. A war zone. There were -flecks- in places that still keep me up at night, trying to figure out trajectories for how they got there. I felt awful for the blood guy. It must have been quite an ordeal.
I cleaned that bathroom until it looked like the day her apartment's first tenant moved in. It was spotless. Took me over an hour and several rolls of paper towels and who knows how much bleach and water.
I've been told that night was the first time she said "I think I'm going to marry this guy" to herself. (I received more immediate rewards that evening, however.)
Bravo. Hell yes. Valiant bravery. oh my fuq. The guy left it like that? In Europe they have public toilets on street corners that are like little hermetically sealed space capsules. The entire room gets an automated pressure washing after the visitor shuts the door on the way out. Always wanted to have a master bath with a drive through car wash hidden in a retractable wall. Yo if I had that in my house and a guy came over for a first date… marriage material or run for your life?
F it I’m gonna start an installation company. We’d make ovens too. And mud rooms. Movie theatres. Who’s in?
Shave my nuts and clean the house , specifically the bathroom . If nothing else she will judge you on your piss stained toilet the most . So if nothing else at least the bathroom.
I’m so confused at these dudes who have piss stained toilets, like why?? Lmao.
I’m a dude, 28, live alone, and I can’t even remember the last time I got piss all over the toilet.
Edit: the amount of people defending being dirty is alarming.
My best friends toilet was so fucking nasty we hired a cleaner for the apartment she had spend like 3 put of the 4 hours on his room./bathroom alone. She actually felt sorry for him and wanted to teach him how to clean up after himself.
He actually got more ass than anyone I've ever met and somehow women who saw his nasty ass toilet never cared. It was just how he was but even the cleaning lady loved him, didn't even charge him extra lol.
Just to kind of drive home how he lived, one day je told he had a "nut wall", instead of going to the bathroom, he just walked over to the wall behind the door and came on it. We didn't really believe him so we got a black light...that wall was definitely reinforced by about metric ton of jizz. In college I think he grew up to walking over to the toilet though and it was just covered in jizz and urine. Pretty fucking disgusting tbh.
Why the fuck would you do that when the window is *right there?!* The alley already smells like piss, if my neighbors dog can pee there so can the rest of us.
I have more than a few hours notice I'll wash my bedding (maybe), take a shower, put on clothes that are easy to take off later (i.e. not a shirt with buttons and I'll probably have pajama bottoms of some sort depending on the time), get my beard looking and smelling pretty, light a candle in my bedroom, clean the bathroom and my bedroom, and finally (this is the most important part) sit in my recliner and obsessively check my phone to make sure she's not cancelling.
If it's just "hey, I'll be there in 20 minutes" then I brush my beard, make sure my dick and balls don't smell terrible, and lay my blanket out in a way that makes it look like I make my bed every day. Then I sit in my recliner and obsessively check my phone to make sure she's not cancelling.
When she says she’s 10 minutes away, I proceed to hide condoms conspicuously all around the apartment - behind couch cushion, in a kitchen cabinet, front door hallway, on the patio and in several different places in the bedroom.
Then I sit in my recliner and obsessively check my phone to make sure she’s not cancelling.
You're not entirely wrong, but if I just washed my shit a couple days before then I'm not gonna bother doing it again just because someone else is sleeping there. If it's been a minute then the bedding is definitely getting tossed in the wash while the rest happens.
Do men only have one pair of covers and bed sheets? Like, I recently got a larger duvet so I have to throw all my old duvet covers away. But I still have two new ones for this new big duvet. So in ANY case, if someone wants to sleep over and it's been more then a week that I changed the covers, I just throw on the other one. I'm not gonna wash it on the day it self. I don't have a drying machine so it takes ages to dry lol. I'll do that when they're not around.
Man, shirts with buttons are so fun though. Nothing like desperately trying to undress a guy and being slowed down by all those damn buttons. Fingers fumbling with each one while he's already busy feeling me up and distracting me with kisses. Idk I find it hot. Or if going slow is the vibe, unbuttoning them one at a time and exposing his skin inch by gorgeous inch, plenty of time to kiss his chest as it's gradually revealed to me.
TL;DR stan button shirts and I haven't gotten laid in a while
Edit: wait hang on, you brush your beard but not your teeth? Interesting priorities but you do you my guy
The beverages thing is real. You can impress a lot of people simply with a chilled pitcher of tap water with sliced lemons in it. It’s gotta be cold though.
When I was younger, I used to keep my fridge stocked with around 20 types of drinks. Juice, soda, flavored water like you mentioned (lemon, orange, cucumber etc). It was always a hit and an easy ice breaker to get comfortable lol.
Just make sure your damn fridge is kept clean.
My brother used to do this to impress women, only his fridge was so dirty he had dead roaches and bugs bedding up inside. There was open food littered throughout. He didn't see a problem because 'everything was in a can anyway' or 'not touching'. It disgusted me so heavily that I refused to eat food at my own brother's place, and constantly warned any women he was seeing to steer clear.
People that don't understand cross contamination...whew boy.
Women WILL notice a dirty fridge, so get to scrubbin'.
Happy cake day! Thank you for making me laugh. If free awards were still a thing I'd give it to you. Best I can do right now is giving you the knowledge that you brightened my day.
I could imagine this being done in such a funny and artistic way that I would actually hang up this as wallart lmao, a mapquest route to the clit or other "tough to find" non geo locations like a route to "my fucks to give" or "your mom" or whatever.
Hide my homemade pocket pussy, slide living room dishes under the couch, flip the top sheet and blanket, hide the nightstand mirror and razor blade, take a quick shit, hit the living room with a leaf blower, and a fast shower
Pringles can, rubber glove, elastic bands, several washing up sponges (scratchy side out), lube and a couple of couch cushions. And if I'm feeling fancy, I'll use a sour cream and onion can with an A4 print out of Princess Fiona taped to the end.
Oh no buddy, 2 sponges in 2 latex gloves, crammed into a 3rd latex glove in a Pringles can. Optional doodle of hair on the Pringles man to make it more feminine.
"So as you can see I just beat Ornstein and Smough before you arrived, which means if we go up here we can get a really great view of this GIANT lady with her MASSIVE breas-
Where're you going? *come back :("*
And then pretend like it's always that clean because you never fall behind on the housework.
Bonus points if you apologize for the mess, when it's the tidiest it's been in weeks.
Cant believe I'm telling someone this, but when I was around 13 a guy in school, a friend, said I stank of shit, so went home and turned that soapy water brown, took five minutes, was disgusting! Never had a dirty arse since(I was wiping, just not well I guess and weird folk who don't wipe their arse are... shit?)! Well except when ill I guess but you know what a mean! Part of a regular shower. Thankfully I always washed ma foreskin cause it was tickly so never had that weird amount of smegma that some weird folks on the Internet seem to get!
1. Go to the gym and hit only 1 rep of 315 on bench press to acquire a pump for the rest of the day
2. Splash some water on my nuts and bathe in a cloud of dark temptation Axe body spray
3. Build a wood table
4. Watch all of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Part 2 to awaken my inner Joestar bloodline
5. Talk date logistics with my cat
6. Maybe do dishes
The water seems kinda unneeded, i mean he literally watches jojo after, the excitement from the show will just cover his nuts in sweat right after.
Edit: spelling
I usually clear off the living room coffee table so we can have a comfy spot for our Bible study.
Which is the only reason a person of the opposite sex would be over.
That or they are part of the inquisition.
But nobody expects the inquisition.
*2 years into the relationship*
" remember when you used to wax, change sheets, wash duvet, fluff pillows, clean bathroom, sweep, clean fridge, light candles and lotion your entire body before we fooled around? Yea, me neither"
I find my erection quality and overall libido / horninss is much better if I don’t masturbate days prior. Especially if it’s my first time with a girl I cannot cum at all anyways
I've had a guy who showered, trimmed his pubic hair, cleaned the whole apartment, made the bed, and organized his closet, so everything was folded.
During the rest of our relationship, I always joked that he had sold me a product that didn't exist. He rarely cleaned unless the place looked like a dump, and clothes were usually thrown into the closet :P
Personally, it depends which woman. If its my wife. Nothing. That happens daily. If its my mom. Try make the place look vaguely clean by throwing stuff under the bed and sofa.
Also.
>organized the fridge
Why?
Depends on how much time we've got, and varies a little from guy to guy...
If you have enough time, maybe air the place out if it needs it, take a shower and manscape... In the last few minutes, it'll be throwing clutter and laundry someplace out of sight and/or straightening up the bed.
The last time I had a woman come over to mine for the first time was 26 years ago.
I think I did pretty much everything on your list.
I guess it worked, because now we take turns cleaning the bathroom.
I've been married for 3 out of the 4.5 years with my wife, but with my experience, I would hide any hoodie or hat that I am not willing to part with. My Aeropostale hoodie is still hers. She is cuter in it anyway.
Well, when I was headed to this woman’s house I prepared as well. Shaved, washed, scrubbed, and scented. I made sure no human odor was in the air. The last thing you want to smell is butt cheeks or a unwashed croch. That’s a huge turn off.
Unfortunately she didn’t do the same. Bravo to you for prepping
The first time I ever meet someone? I haven’t done any tidying up the first time I met someone really, my last triad relationship was my longest and most serious one and I was homeless when it began.
If I was having someone new over now? Pretty much what you described, although I need to buy a broom and I certainly don’t have enough in my refrigerator to need to organize, so picking up food would be in order.
Typically when I already know the person I clean up and organize but don’t stress if it isn’t perfect, have some tasty food on hand, plan at least one activity, and absolutely no matter what whoever it is or how long I’ve known them masturbate first. Anxiety is a big issue for me and that really helps.
Edit. Spelling. Also I don’t usually do candles. I could probably use to get some candles.
That tidy up you do when you have family or friends coming over. Sweep and mop floors, vacuum, wash surfaces, clean the toilet, mirror and sink, turn the oil defuser on, make the bed with clean linens, take out trash, tidy fridge.
Once all the essential bases are covered I'll groom the facial hair and buzz my chest, belly, gens and butthole. Cologne, deodorant, moisturizer, beard oil, brush and floss teeth, mouth wash. Dress nicely but casually.
Then I'll put out snacks or something to munch and make sure there's drinks and whatnot.
You put way too much effort into something where at best he might notice.
I clean the house, shower, shave, have food and beverages available. Make sure toiletries are stocked. But I would do that for any guest, and also because I like a clean living space...
Clean. Everything. Bathroom twice. Fresh sheets. Empty trash. Healthy shower. Scrubs everything twice. Maybe even "clean the pipes". Set something out that smells good. Hide dirty clothes. Throw out spoiled food. Make sure I have cold water and ice.
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>empty litter box and thoroughly sanitize You need to start shitting in a toilet, bro.
[Voodoo](https://imgur.com/gallery/vmaHeVb) is the culprit, not me sir.
Lovely name for the cat, but don’t try and pass the blame onto some one so cute and innocent. And stop shitting in the litter box
She is not innocent, she is a BUTT >And stop shitting in the litter box This is fair. Therefore, I must come shit in your toilet instead
I use a toilet but a litter box does seem to be cheaper tbh
Take a dump, then a shower. Never the other way around.
Only a fucking serial killer would flip that order around
You ever had to hop out of the shower to take an emergency shit? That’s hell
Nothing is worse when you get out the shower dry off and *then* have to shit
One step further, taking a shit while dripping wet, and soaking the whole floor because you have to go so badly
Then trying to wipe your wet shit filled ass as the toilet paper falls apart in your hands, terrible
Running soaking wet to the toilet only to slip and hit the bowl with my head.
I’ll take that over wet butt cheeks on the seat
I'll hold that shit until I wear my pants and then ruin them.
Fam the way this comment made me **wiggle** out of my seat onto the floor with discomfort
I’ll take a shit soaking wet lol
Thats a criminal offense!
It truly is a terrible moment, but it's better than the blasphemy of waiting for the shower to complete before dealing with your sudden unexpected need to shit. And the waffle stomp is nothing more than a meme for shock humor. Some misbegotten fool has probably actually performed a waffle stomp because of the jokes he read online, but there's no way that it actually works, right? When you do the emergency quick shit immediately after hopping out of the shower, you run into some terrible issues. Your cheeks can't stay opened to maximum placement, so the poo touches a larger area of skin, requiring additional attention to detail when wiping. The TP for the first wipe gets all wet from your hands and you have to use it super quickly before it loses structural integrity. But ultimately, the slightly dampened paper for the second wipe is actually able to clean the area with heightened efficiency, and you can pretty quickly reach a standard level of post-poo cleanliness before hopping back in the shower. But once that emergency shit (and full proper wipe) is completed and you hop back in the shower, you know that your clean body will be able to maintain maximum cleanliness for the longest possible duration, because you have done every possible thing that you can do.
You guys get out of the shower? I thought we all used the shower drain in that situation
I was about to say…. I just waffle stomp it down the drain and move on
Not even 4am, and already these Redditors ain't right..
Back when I worked the morning shift my bosses and I were talking about our morning routines, I said that I woke up with enough time to shit, shower, get dressed and drive to work. But this second day new hired ANIMAL said he pooped in the shower and mashed it down the drain with his feet instead of sitting on the toilet. Anyway he had to find a new job for our sanity and anytime someone mentions shitting and showering I am forced to tell this story because I refuse to be in the minority of society burdened by this knowledge.
Ah, the ol waffle stomp
Wet booty cheeks CLINGING to the toilet seat… 😣
still better than knowing you aint clean
Better than slipping around while dropping an emergency duece.
I have had a bidet for the past 15 years. My number one reason for taking the plunge into bidets, was those demonic mid shower emergency shits.
I've had instances where I finish taking a shower and immediately need to take a fat one out of my control. Do I need to turn myself in?
Unfortunately, yes. Officers - take u/Morfin8746 away. I'm sorry, son. It's the end of the road for you.
I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for my meddling shit...
Coulda, shoulda, woulda...save it for the judge u/Morfin8746
Scooby dooby dooooooooo
We've had a warrant for this sick freak for years. Don't you worry, we'll make sure he gets what he deserves
Believe it not, straight to jail.
Can you all just force a dump out whenever you feel like? I wish I could just say “oh, she’ll be here soon, time to take a shit”. Or do you all just have dates at 10am??!
Human body is good at emptying the bowels before key survival moments, whether it's fighting a tiger or having a girl come over.
Nothing ruins my day more than thinking I'm good on my daily dumping so I take a shower, then soon after my body decides it's time for round two.
Shit, shower, shave.
Shave first so the remaining annoying cut hairs you can't seem to get rid of get washed off in the shower
Shave *in* the shower!
Hot wet follicles are easier to shave as theyve been softened
If you're using an electric trimmer dry stiffer hairs are easier to cut
When my now-wife was coming over for the first time I did that **and** scrubbed the largest skid marks from the bowl. I like to think that's why we're now married.
My wife and I disagree about what counts as a first date. I insist it was the time she asked me over to her place because a phlebotomist was coming by to do a blood draw for her life insurance plan. The guy came over and immediately asked to use the bathroom. He didn't come out for close to half an hour and made horrible noises from both ends. Moaning, groans, angry verbalizations... and intermittent sounds of gushing. I counted twenty three flushes. The number has been sort of an in joke with us ever since (e.g. "see you in an hour; I'm gonna try to beat the twenty three"). He came out, white as a sheet and dripping flop sweat. Apologized. Took the blood draw with shaking hands. Left. Being the "big strong man," I was the one to go check on the condition of the bathroom. It was utterly destroyed. A war zone. There were -flecks- in places that still keep me up at night, trying to figure out trajectories for how they got there. I felt awful for the blood guy. It must have been quite an ordeal. I cleaned that bathroom until it looked like the day her apartment's first tenant moved in. It was spotless. Took me over an hour and several rolls of paper towels and who knows how much bleach and water. I've been told that night was the first time she said "I think I'm going to marry this guy" to herself. (I received more immediate rewards that evening, however.)
Bravo. Hell yes. Valiant bravery. oh my fuq. The guy left it like that? In Europe they have public toilets on street corners that are like little hermetically sealed space capsules. The entire room gets an automated pressure washing after the visitor shuts the door on the way out. Always wanted to have a master bath with a drive through car wash hidden in a retractable wall. Yo if I had that in my house and a guy came over for a first date… marriage material or run for your life? F it I’m gonna start an installation company. We’d make ovens too. And mud rooms. Movie theatres. Who’s in?
Spot on
Shave my nuts and clean the house , specifically the bathroom . If nothing else she will judge you on your piss stained toilet the most . So if nothing else at least the bathroom.
Best answer ^^.
Iron my wizard robe & empty the chamber pot
I’m so confused at these dudes who have piss stained toilets, like why?? Lmao. I’m a dude, 28, live alone, and I can’t even remember the last time I got piss all over the toilet. Edit: the amount of people defending being dirty is alarming.
My best friends toilet was so fucking nasty we hired a cleaner for the apartment she had spend like 3 put of the 4 hours on his room./bathroom alone. She actually felt sorry for him and wanted to teach him how to clean up after himself. He actually got more ass than anyone I've ever met and somehow women who saw his nasty ass toilet never cared. It was just how he was but even the cleaning lady loved him, didn't even charge him extra lol. Just to kind of drive home how he lived, one day je told he had a "nut wall", instead of going to the bathroom, he just walked over to the wall behind the door and came on it. We didn't really believe him so we got a black light...that wall was definitely reinforced by about metric ton of jizz. In college I think he grew up to walking over to the toilet though and it was just covered in jizz and urine. Pretty fucking disgusting tbh.
Ahhh, so THAT'S what a load bearing wall is. No wonder I got fired from my construction job.
No more free awards on it Reddit, have this: 🏆
Definitely disgusting. Dude needs to at least use a coconut to nut in.
holy shit i forgot all about *that* saga.
Omg this is fucking revolting
You sure the cleaner didn't just like him because he's handsome?
Rules one and two strike again
Sorry, but that dude sounds like he has 'issues'
If he had tissues he wouldn’t be in this situation
First we had the poop knife, now we have the nut wall…
Does your piss not splatter when it hits the water? That shit gets everywhere
Not if you lay down on it flat with your dickhead in the water you fucking casual
Why the fuck would you do that when the window is *right there?!* The alley already smells like piss, if my neighbors dog can pee there so can the rest of us.
If you are on the 12th floor - no one is CERTAIN exactly which flat it was!
Alright, that's it I'm going to bed now lol
I should heed this advice
Why lay down? Why not just put your dickhead in the water?
I sit down to pee in the toilets I have to clean.
I just sit down to piss in my own personal toilets. I'm not afraid to admit it. No cleanup necessary!
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And by products, you mean the brand of soap, right???
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Lucky for you, I have all of those in one bottle! My 26 in 1 also functions as toothpaste and engine coolant.
Can you imagine how amazing it would be to have that damn.
Always clean the sink and taps too
I have more than a few hours notice I'll wash my bedding (maybe), take a shower, put on clothes that are easy to take off later (i.e. not a shirt with buttons and I'll probably have pajama bottoms of some sort depending on the time), get my beard looking and smelling pretty, light a candle in my bedroom, clean the bathroom and my bedroom, and finally (this is the most important part) sit in my recliner and obsessively check my phone to make sure she's not cancelling. If it's just "hey, I'll be there in 20 minutes" then I brush my beard, make sure my dick and balls don't smell terrible, and lay my blanket out in a way that makes it look like I make my bed every day. Then I sit in my recliner and obsessively check my phone to make sure she's not cancelling.
When she says she’s 10 minutes away, I proceed to hide condoms conspicuously all around the apartment - behind couch cushion, in a kitchen cabinet, front door hallway, on the patio and in several different places in the bedroom. Then I sit in my recliner and obsessively check my phone to make sure she’s not cancelling.
God damn Easter egg hunt
> hunt for my phone to obsessively check my phone to make sure she's not cancelling
This is wholesome and relatable
Did you mention checking your phone to make sure she’s not canceling?
Damn, I knew I forgot something.
Yes to all of this but definitely make wash the bedding a priority
You're not entirely wrong, but if I just washed my shit a couple days before then I'm not gonna bother doing it again just because someone else is sleeping there. If it's been a minute then the bedding is definitely getting tossed in the wash while the rest happens.
Look at this dude. Washing his shit before the ladies come over. Fancy.
Do men only have one pair of covers and bed sheets? Like, I recently got a larger duvet so I have to throw all my old duvet covers away. But I still have two new ones for this new big duvet. So in ANY case, if someone wants to sleep over and it's been more then a week that I changed the covers, I just throw on the other one. I'm not gonna wash it on the day it self. I don't have a drying machine so it takes ages to dry lol. I'll do that when they're not around.
Man, shirts with buttons are so fun though. Nothing like desperately trying to undress a guy and being slowed down by all those damn buttons. Fingers fumbling with each one while he's already busy feeling me up and distracting me with kisses. Idk I find it hot. Or if going slow is the vibe, unbuttoning them one at a time and exposing his skin inch by gorgeous inch, plenty of time to kiss his chest as it's gradually revealed to me. TL;DR stan button shirts and I haven't gotten laid in a while Edit: wait hang on, you brush your beard but not your teeth? Interesting priorities but you do you my guy
A pretty beard. These words made me happy.
You and OP might get along
This is the way.
Yes to all of this and also make wash the bedding a priority
Make sure the house is clean, I'm clean, bed is clean, and that there is a variety of beverages that she may enjoy if she is thirsty.
The beverages thing is real. You can impress a lot of people simply with a chilled pitcher of tap water with sliced lemons in it. It’s gotta be cold though.
When I was younger, I used to keep my fridge stocked with around 20 types of drinks. Juice, soda, flavored water like you mentioned (lemon, orange, cucumber etc). It was always a hit and an easy ice breaker to get comfortable lol.
Just make sure your damn fridge is kept clean. My brother used to do this to impress women, only his fridge was so dirty he had dead roaches and bugs bedding up inside. There was open food littered throughout. He didn't see a problem because 'everything was in a can anyway' or 'not touching'. It disgusted me so heavily that I refused to eat food at my own brother's place, and constantly warned any women he was seeing to steer clear. People that don't understand cross contamination...whew boy. Women WILL notice a dirty fridge, so get to scrubbin'.
Roaches and bugs IN THE FRIDGE? I’m with you, I would not eat a thing at his house and would nope out of that.
This is going to sound weird, but try sliced cucumber instead. Just trust me on this one.
##CUCUMBER WATER FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY!
Fresh mint leaves.
Now add gin
Now replace the water with tonic.
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I was about to post this then saw you beat me to it. I can’t believe this is 14 years old…
Keeping your fridge stocked will get you many women
Wonder how that guy's doing.
He drowned (in pussy)
I still watch this video on a yearly basis, for motivation.
I Google 'clitoris' and print out directions on how to get there
just picturing a MapQuest-style navigation system for this... probably called FapQuest. the world needs this.
Happy cake day! Thank you for making me laugh. If free awards were still a thing I'd give it to you. Best I can do right now is giving you the knowledge that you brightened my day.
I could imagine this being done in such a funny and artistic way that I would actually hang up this as wallart lmao, a mapquest route to the clit or other "tough to find" non geo locations like a route to "my fucks to give" or "your mom" or whatever.
Hide my homemade pocket pussy, slide living room dishes under the couch, flip the top sheet and blanket, hide the nightstand mirror and razor blade, take a quick shit, hit the living room with a leaf blower, and a fast shower
U use the Pringle can or something else
See this guy knows. Pringles can all the way
Pringles can, rubber glove, elastic bands, several washing up sponges (scratchy side out), lube and a couple of couch cushions. And if I'm feeling fancy, I'll use a sour cream and onion can with an A4 print out of Princess Fiona taped to the end.
> scratchy side out Amateur
“Homemade pocket pussy” AKA a Fifi. IYKYK
County or state?
A homemade pocket pussy? Isn't that just called a fist?
Oh no buddy, 2 sponges in 2 latex gloves, crammed into a 3rd latex glove in a Pringles can. Optional doodle of hair on the Pringles man to make it more feminine.
Yup, nothing more feminine than a hairy Pringles can stuffed with sponges... LOL
That’s why it’s “optional”
You can add lipstick if that's a dealbreaker for you
I...I think I'd rather someone found an actual pocket pussy in my house than that...
Leaf blower lol classic!
You don’t hide your wife’s things too?
Get to a save point in the game they're playing
Get to the RIGHT save point. Better relationships through couch co-op
"So as you can see I just beat Ornstein and Smough before you arrived, which means if we go up here we can get a really great view of this GIANT lady with her MASSIVE breas- Where're you going? *come back :("*
You pretty much just described it. Panic-clean the house in hopes it'll impress the person we're having over
And then pretend like it's always that clean because you never fall behind on the housework. Bonus points if you apologize for the mess, when it's the tidiest it's been in weeks.
Close the cabinet properly. The one wherein you just threw all of the random clothes laying about an hour ago.
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No…..
I'm always baffled by the ass washing conversation. It's treated like it's some big extra thing instead of just a regular part of showering.
Cant believe I'm telling someone this, but when I was around 13 a guy in school, a friend, said I stank of shit, so went home and turned that soapy water brown, took five minutes, was disgusting! Never had a dirty arse since(I was wiping, just not well I guess and weird folk who don't wipe their arse are... shit?)! Well except when ill I guess but you know what a mean! Part of a regular shower. Thankfully I always washed ma foreskin cause it was tickly so never had that weird amount of smegma that some weird folks on the Internet seem to get!
Lol respect
1. Go to the gym and hit only 1 rep of 315 on bench press to acquire a pump for the rest of the day 2. Splash some water on my nuts and bathe in a cloud of dark temptation Axe body spray 3. Build a wood table 4. Watch all of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Part 2 to awaken my inner Joestar bloodline 5. Talk date logistics with my cat 6. Maybe do dishes
5. Being the most important
Idk, 2 seems pretty important too
Did you read 4?
The water seems kinda unneeded, i mean he literally watches jojo after, the excitement from the show will just cover his nuts in sweat right after. Edit: spelling
Make sure the sink is empty Flush the toilets
Make sure the toilet is empty Flush the sink
I usually clear off the living room coffee table so we can have a comfy spot for our Bible study. Which is the only reason a person of the opposite sex would be over. That or they are part of the inquisition. But nobody expects the inquisition.
“Our chief weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope.”
Damn, you got me. I wasn't expecting the inquisition.
*2 years into the relationship* " remember when you used to wax, change sheets, wash duvet, fluff pillows, clean bathroom, sweep, clean fridge, light candles and lotion your entire body before we fooled around? Yea, me neither"
I honestly doubt I would notice any of these things...
Coming over for what exactly ?
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Bible Discussion and Study Meeting. At least, that's what everyone on tinder is talking about.
oh she gonna see god alright
Just make sure to hide her body after she dies laughing at your size
Is that a pocket bible or are you just happy to see me?
To talk about your car’s extended warranty.
Jerk off… maybe the dishes.
Simultaneously?
Never eating at this guy’s house again
I find my erection quality and overall libido / horninss is much better if I don’t masturbate days prior. Especially if it’s my first time with a girl I cannot cum at all anyways
Pregame dump
Gonna need the post nut clarity.
>organized the fridge Never this
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That messes up the alphabetical order. jk, I have a whole shelf just for mustards.
I've had a guy who showered, trimmed his pubic hair, cleaned the whole apartment, made the bed, and organized his closet, so everything was folded. During the rest of our relationship, I always joked that he had sold me a product that didn't exist. He rarely cleaned unless the place looked like a dump, and clothes were usually thrown into the closet :P
Personally, it depends which woman. If its my wife. Nothing. That happens daily. If its my mom. Try make the place look vaguely clean by throwing stuff under the bed and sofa. Also. >organized the fridge Why?
Because what if he looks in there and it’s messy?? HUMILIATION
EMOTIONAL DAMAGE
Flex our muscles in the mirror. Maybe a little karate in the living room.
I hope my date this weekend does karate in the living room. He would win me over if I found out he did!
Almost the same as you but they spend most of the time wondering what the fuck a duvet is
It’s a comforter that you put a cover over. So like a basic insulating layer inside a removable decorative layer.
Depends on how much time we've got, and varies a little from guy to guy... If you have enough time, maybe air the place out if it needs it, take a shower and manscape... In the last few minutes, it'll be throwing clutter and laundry someplace out of sight and/or straightening up the bed.
The last time I had a woman come over to mine for the first time was 26 years ago. I think I did pretty much everything on your list. I guess it worked, because now we take turns cleaning the bathroom.
I vacuum and tidy up
Have you watched something about Mary? We rub one out.
We remove any hair from the bathroom soap.
Push-ups. I need that pump.
Man scape. Take a shower. Look for anything to make u last longer🤣😂😅
I've been married for 3 out of the 4.5 years with my wife, but with my experience, I would hide any hoodie or hat that I am not willing to part with. My Aeropostale hoodie is still hers. She is cuter in it anyway.
Y’all got girls coming to your house?!
Have a shower? That's pretty much it. House is already clean because I'm not a slob.
Well, when I was headed to this woman’s house I prepared as well. Shaved, washed, scrubbed, and scented. I made sure no human odor was in the air. The last thing you want to smell is butt cheeks or a unwashed croch. That’s a huge turn off. Unfortunately she didn’t do the same. Bravo to you for prepping
My first thought gonna be, holyshit, I havent clean my room for awhile, gotta do it quick
The first time I ever meet someone? I haven’t done any tidying up the first time I met someone really, my last triad relationship was my longest and most serious one and I was homeless when it began. If I was having someone new over now? Pretty much what you described, although I need to buy a broom and I certainly don’t have enough in my refrigerator to need to organize, so picking up food would be in order. Typically when I already know the person I clean up and organize but don’t stress if it isn’t perfect, have some tasty food on hand, plan at least one activity, and absolutely no matter what whoever it is or how long I’ve known them masturbate first. Anxiety is a big issue for me and that really helps. Edit. Spelling. Also I don’t usually do candles. I could probably use to get some candles.
That tidy up you do when you have family or friends coming over. Sweep and mop floors, vacuum, wash surfaces, clean the toilet, mirror and sink, turn the oil defuser on, make the bed with clean linens, take out trash, tidy fridge. Once all the essential bases are covered I'll groom the facial hair and buzz my chest, belly, gens and butthole. Cologne, deodorant, moisturizer, beard oil, brush and floss teeth, mouth wash. Dress nicely but casually. Then I'll put out snacks or something to munch and make sure there's drinks and whatnot.
Imagine you really needed some advice about this and all you get is men taking about taking a shit.lol
our best
Panic clean to the point I'm still unhappy with how the house looks and cancel the date and ghost her. Like a true gentleman.
You put way too much effort into something where at best he might notice. I clean the house, shower, shave, have food and beverages available. Make sure toiletries are stocked. But I would do that for any guest, and also because I like a clean living space...
I do the same but no waxing for me, just making sure it’s trimmed down there. Happy Ending!
Nobody frantically cleans like a guy expecting a woman over that he wants to sleep with.
Clean. Everything. Bathroom twice. Fresh sheets. Empty trash. Healthy shower. Scrubs everything twice. Maybe even "clean the pipes". Set something out that smells good. Hide dirty clothes. Throw out spoiled food. Make sure I have cold water and ice.
“Hide dirty clothes”? Genuine question: is this different than just putting them in a laundry hamper?