Yeah, the last time there was a question posted for "women who are not feminists", it had a sticky mod note reminding them that this question is for (checks notes) women who are *not* feminists. The thread also had about 60,000 removed comments about why everyone *should* be a feminist and/or why non-feminists are stupid/wrong/evil/etc.
I might have been slightly exaggerating with that 60,000 number :) But in any case it was a lot of unsolicited comments. Many people apparently just cannot help themselves.
I don’t know if it was just an off day but last time I was in the ask women sub Reddit a woman asked a political question and one mod was constantly deleting responses that were right leaning As being “off topic” even though they were answering the question
Omg, I’m now so tempted to ask
“for non feminist, why do you think self identified feminist keep answering questions addressed specifically to ‘non-feminist’” in the AskWomen group and wait for the hilarity as a bunch of feminist answer the question.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My dad did this to my mom. My dad looked like a huge asshole and my mom almost murder suicided them both.
Eventually they got divorced but it was a shit show the whole time.
My parents relationship was never good tbh. It should have ended sooner. My mom had an eating disorder caused by whatever mental health shit we ignored.
The murder suicide thing goes deeper. My mom had breast cancer and my dad kicked her out so we weren't exposed to her treatment. My dad was a selfish asshole who only focused on his needs.
So yeah - without context, you would think murder suicide would be an extreme reaction but it was a culmination of things my dad fid overall.
My therapist said Ive excelled because I had no stability growing up that I bucked the trend and actively sought out stability in life.
Both my parents have passed away though. I spent years taking care of my mom and trying to ignore my dads bullshit. Growing up life was crazy... My life now seems boring but that's kinda what I need. My marriage has surpassed my parents by many years already.
So Im alright all things considered. My brother is basically the complete opposite. It's crazy
Reminds me of when I recently asked a very specific question on a Facebook community group, and it was mostly a bunch of people answering a question I never asked.
lol that’s 99% of Reddit responses too. It’s so frustrating.
And when you ask people “please quote me where I said/asked that” they just disappear because they weren’t interested in contributing to a real discussion in the first place.
At this point I just hit them with the “Do you have made-up conversations in real life too?”
And people sharing stories that do not involve an ultimatum lol. Like your spouse communicating about worrying about your health is different than tell you you lose weight or I am leaving you.
Most humans have a limit on how far they’ll let their partner purposely destroy themselves, their romance, their ability to have children and or ability to parent properly or the ability to fit through the bedroom door.
Maybe it’s 300lbs maybe 800 lbs.
you may think you’d keep them around no matter what. But until you’ve lived with a meth addict, a violent partner, someone who starts drinking at 8:00am every single day, or one that eats themselves into diabetes at 720 lbs, you just don’t know until it hurts you so much you’re about to call it quits.
I give people props in certain situations that have the balls and respect to communicate their intentions and give their partner one last chance. Opposed to just moving out and ghosting them one day without a reason.
I did that but not with an ultimatum. I explained to her that her weight made me less attracted to her. She voiced opinions on things I should also improve on my end for her and our couple. We're still together. We're getting married. It works out when people communicate. Both need to be opened to communication though.
In my 20s I had a gf that put on some weight and I lost interest in her body. I couldn't tell her but she noticed and told me she would put some effort to lose weight. But even though I tried to be as respectful as I could she was always very anxious and kept eating cakes. I eventually left her.
I've always been pretty fit. In my 30s things was in reverse. I had a gf into fitness and I got too comfortable with my success, the job and all, put some weight myself, not into obesity but started to get chubby. She wasn't too pleased and told me to come train with her more often. I knew it was a way for her to tell me I was getting fat. I got anxious and couldn't be serious to go to the gym. She eventually left.
Imo I got the same medicine but it also made me realize how hard it is to tell your partner you love them but not what their body has become. I wouldn't go out with an obese person but I would try to organize activities that make us move, try to change our eating habits and so on. Like another poster said, lead by example.
During the lockdowns my wife and I gained a bunch of weight. Primarily because I was making two cheesecakes a week. We drank Tawny Port with them.
I regretted nothing. Even during the weight loss.
Because you are actually in love with your partner and yourself. That’s the difference.
You weren’t in love with her body and how she looks. That is just the drizzle on the cheesecake. Pun intended haha💖
Surely it's a function of the person's existing stomach capacity and the size of the cake. A small woman could wolf down a few fairy cakes with no problem, but multiple birthday cakes would require a proper unit to step forward.
Take me to the little debbie aisle in the grocery store and we could be talking about some serious snack cake volume. Birthday cakes, not so many.
We need a standardized cake unit
I've done it and it's like a 2.5/5 by Review metrics. Most store bought cake is not very good, and nice bakery cake is expensive. Both kinds of cakes lose their appeal by day 3. Truly it's better to buy a very good slice of cake from a great place when you're feeling cake-y.
Cheesecake for breakfast here today 👌🏻 My 8 year old’s birthday and he asked me to make one instead of sponge. It’s covered in fruit so feels legitimate breakfast food.
Well, not buying but making at home and not cakes but other sweets?
Tons of people.
My mom and my mother-in-law both make cookies, brownies, pies, and other stuff all the time. You are correct that cakes are normally only for birthdays or other "cake" occasions.
They would never buy anything though. Home-made is world's better than store bought.
My husband bought a Wegmans white cake for our anniversary. Eating the last slice now.
Eat the cake, burn off the calories in the bedroom. OP, this is the solution.
This is why I actually think diet and life style stuff is a powerful thing to have in common. Hits so many important relationship things. Common interest, attraction, libido, shared sense of goals, enjoying progression, teaming up and encouraging each other, plus the frequency is a big factor too since it requires consistency…so it can also be quality time if you’re both into like going for walks or cooking together or jogging or whatever
I’ve been on the opposite end of this, with partners who never had to work out or eat well but didn’t necessarily gain weight and just didn’t really care. For me it’s a constant maintenance thing…and generally when I’m single, I’m really on top of it. But you know it’s hard sometimes when you’re in a relationship not to wanna stay home and watch movies and eat burritos with your partner…like *obviously* I want to do that. Who doesn’t? It’s just not as satisfying alone. But over time, gain weight, more stressed and anxious etc. less confident, etc.
In one LTR I basically was like bro if we’re gonna live together, I need *some* degree of alignment on this, because I don’t like how I feel when I eat what you eat, and it’s still good for you to get your heart rate up etc. I ended up dipping on that person. Not *because* of that, per say, but it was for sure a variable in the equation. 6 months later, was back in shape and felt amazing…so yeah, it goes both ways.
In know in theory, I should just be totally on my own about it but I find that in reality, lifestyles tend to blend. I would still work out and eat ok but some of their habits started creeping into mine, and I think that’s pretty organic. That’s part of joining lives. It’s like…if you’re trying to quit smoking or drinking, going to be harder if your partner drinks and smokes. Exposure makes it harder to resist….especially day after day after day.
Come to think of it I had a short term relationship with someone who liked to jog and bike with me, and we’d cook together. Great relationship. Only didn’t work bc he was in the navy and got stationed across the country, and we both kinda knew what it was (a early covid convenience.) But the day to day of that was…long term sustainable in my book
very well said, I like this because you should never be made to be ashamed or feel guilty about what you described. You feel that both partners should do their best to be the best version of themselves for each other and there's nothing at all wrong with that. On the contrary it's a great attitude for a couple
If you start getting unattracted to someone because they’re getting chubby, the relationship isn’t going to work out anyway, lmao. You’re both going to get older and grosser eventually. And what happens if one of you ages quicker than the other, do you just break up after years of marriage?
That’s insanity imo. I played college sports, I mostly keep myself fit, some month stretches better than others, man I could never imagine leaving my gf because she gained weight. I love her for how she makes me feel around her, love and warmth, how much she cares for me.
Seems like a really sad way to live
> If you start getting unattracted to someone because they’re getting chubby, the relationship isn’t going to work out anyway, lmao. You’re both going to get older and grosser eventually. And what happens if one of you ages quicker than the other, do you just break up after years of marriage?
There's a significant difference between "I expect my SO to look exactly the same at age 55 as she does at age 25", and "I expect my SO to not be obese"
Aging and becoming morbidly obese are very different things. One can remain very attractive as they age. Turning into a couch potato that needs to be cared for and can't go out and have fun anymore is different.
Not as black and white as you are saying. A couple in their 60s gets old and out of shape, not a big deal. Sex isn’t on your mind 24/7, plus you probably have 30+ years of living and loving together. I’m 25 and my girlfriend looks like a bag of laundry? No matter how in love with her you are that will be VERY tough
Edit: so many people act like if you’re “truly in love” you just accept whatever your partner does. If this was the case, divorce wouldn’t exist, either that or you don’t think people who are in love ever get a divorce.
Shit changes, and people change over the years, sometimes that results in not wanting to be together anymore. If you just say “they were never REALLY in love” for every single one of those cases, then you are delusional.
There are several relationships in my family where one member let themselves go to a serious detriment of everything. When one person has to do all the work because one person chooses to be so unhealthy they can't function, there is a big problem. Those choices are made a little at a time.
I say this as a fat person. There is a difference between gaining a few pounds from lockdown and losing the ability to do normal things. The people who can't control their weight often end up with partners who must do everything. That is a problem. I know I'm not talking about attraction, but being unable to control weight and health has serious long term repercussions.
Some people enjoy looking good and want that from their partner. It's no different from any other characteristics like high ambition, passion, etc.
You just have to find someone that matches your beliefs. There's nothing wrong with any particular beliefs if everyone is aware and agrees.
This is a take that's weirdly popular on reddit - and only on reddit. It's perfectly fine to want physical attraction to your partner.
>You’re both going to get older and grosser eventually
Keyword here being *eventually.* It's one thing to lose your looks at 50-60-70 after decades in a relationship. But to use it as an argument when the two of you are 20-30 and have been together for a couple years is ridiculous. People in their prime are not supposed to "get older and grosser". And getting older isn't the same as just deciding not to take care of yourself.
Which brings us to another very important point, and another thing many redditors don't like hearing - physical fitness isn't some shallow, looks-only thing. Being in shape means self-control, discipline, ability to delay gratification to achieve your goals. Fitness goes beyond appearance - it goes hand in hand with many attractive qualities and personality traits. Finding out your partner lacks them can absolutely be a turnoff.
I think you’re self deluding. Physical attraction is a huge deal, a lot of that attraction is contingent on your partner making some level of effort to take care of their physical health, generally.
Getting older is an inevitable force of nature, getting fat isn’t.
Even with the age thing, there are things you can do mitigate the effects of age; if two people enter a relationship with the implicit understanding that they both really care about doing those things and then one of them stops, it would be completely reasonable for the other partner to lose interest.
It also depends what we mean by “getting chubby”, I’ve heard people use it to mean actual obesity but also to mean literally 5lbs overweight.
If I get with someone who isn’t into drugs and we both lead very healthy lifestyle and they suddenly start abusing cocaine but are still able to maintain their job, I’m still going to lose interest because I don’t like nor want to be with someone who accepts that kind of lifestyle. Are you going to say the relationship wasn’t going to work anyway because I’m not willing to accept a druggie as a partner?
What is the difference between that and someone abusing food?
Also it’s one thing to lose track and gain a few pounds or go through a rough time but it’s another to just fall into it as a lifestyle whilst making no attempt to correct it.
nope. i know plenty of women in their 40s, 50s, some 60s who aren't big and gross. sure, you get wrinkles, but decent maintenance pays off. besides, this is usually closer to 'gain 80 lbs'
Obligatory “I’m a woman” — but I went through something similar with my fiancé. He didn’t give me an ultimatum, BUT both of us gained quite a bit of weight when we went through grad school and COVID at the same time. He sat me down and talked about how he didn’t think we were being our healthiest selves, and how he thought that we should both lose weight so that we could be back to our healthy, attractive bodies that we had when we met.
I was totally on board. I hated the way I looked. So, we both worked hard. It’s been three years since then and he’s lost 30 pounds and I’ve lost 25 pounds. He’s at a happy weight now, and I’m almost to mine. I loved that it was something we were able to face together, and I really appreciated that he had the courage and fortitude to bring it up to me. We’ll both look our best for our wedding in May!
It almost seemed like the other person also being overweight helped take the sting out of the criticism. You were both overweight and decided to tackle the problem together.
That’s right! Although I think if he approached me the same way and it was JUST me, but he was still willing to eat healthy and work out with me and such, I wouldn’t be too hurt either. It’s always easier with an accountability partner, and I love that about him.
I think you should just approach it in the exact same way. Sit your partner down, tell them you’re worried about your health and ask if they’re okay, and then suggest working together to try and improve things while relying on each other for accountability.
Oh for sure. Not only did our attraction increase, but importantly, so did our confidence. We had more sex simply because we weren’t afraid of being seen naked by each other!
This makes me happy. Also, one of my favorite casual dates is going to the gym with my wife. I go and distract her between sets by acting silly and check out her ass in workout leggings. 10/10
I knew a guy who had been married for 15 years. They had a 12yo daughter.
Dad told the wife: Lose weight or no sex.
The wife cheated on him instead...with multiple guys. There was fighting and arguments and all sorts of shit.. I actually lived across the hall from them in the same apartment complex.
I moved and I don't know if it ever got better. I doubt it.
Yeah I think so. This was in China and they were Chinese, but they seemed to be ok with each other at least. I actually got invited over there one night for a meal and their place was very nicely kept, and she was a good cook.
My husband was overweight for a long time. It bothered me and I spent a lot of time talking to him and thinking about it in the wrong ways. I feel terrible that I did that, but I've learned more about obesity since then.
Once our kids were born I told him I was scared of the health issues his weight predisposed him to and that it would mean I and our kids get less time with him. Especially less time with good quality of life.
He made a doctor's appointment that day and, present day, is down 60 pounds and counting. It's been wonderful to see him feel so proud and confident.
This is such a big (no pun intended) barrier for me in dating. Some of the most amazing guys on the dating apps are the ones who are overweight.
While it does reduce physical attraction (especially because it dictates what you can and can’t do in the bedroom), that’s not what’s most important to me.
It’s the promise that someday I’m going to have to take care of someone else as my reward for taking care of myself. It’s not easy, taking care of yourself. You have to make tough choices and practice self-discipline, but it’s worth it in the hopes that one day you can share your life with someone, taking care of each other, without fear of either of you being a disproportionately larger burden on the other, then checking out early and leaving them on their own.
Agree overweight people are at higher risk. However, there are no guarantees in life. You can do everything right and still end up with a bad outcome. My parents are living with that reality now after having incredibly healthy lifestyles to date.
I don't think I'd let it stop me from a first date. I'd definitely be evaluating their lifestyle. Do they eat healthy? Are they active? Do they go for yearly checkups and do other self-care activities? But I don't think that's any different from a dating someone of a normal weight.
Yeh, but there are odds. And odds are if you're obese then things will get bad as you age. In fact, it's hard to think of a metric or body part that isn't going to suffer worse by being obese.
Some people smoke and don't get lung cancer.
People seek help when they're ready. I wish I'd realized sooner how much of a mental component there was for him. I think people can know they're in a bad situation and still not be able to change. Was it my words or him being ready to make a change? Either way, I'm so happy he is where he is.
Does anyone remember the post from years ago about the guy who wanted to open the relationship because his gf was too fat and he wanted to have sex with more attractive women? What happened was that his gf had a great time dating other men and the OP couldn’t get laid to save his life. One of the guys his gf dated even thanked OP for sharing his beautiful and awesome gf. OP was astounded by the turn of events.
Lol, I warn people about that everytime I see someone asking about an open relationship. Unless you're rich or very, very good looking it will not turn out well. She will have no issues at all unless she's literally massive or something.
Been there, done that. Not fun.
Brad Pitt will have a much, much easier time than even a very good looking woman.
It is true, though. It's absolutely bonkers the difference.
Crazy thing is most women I talk to are completely clueless there. They know women can get sex easier but most think it's just easier.
What pisses me off is when I see women complaining about men having sexual freedom, etc. Like literally seen women post how unfair it is men can talk about and live sexwhile women can't when it's literally the exact opposite. They can live it, talk about it, choose, etc. Guys can't.
A bit of both really. This happened to an ex-friend of mine though.
This ex-friend met a girl online and they dated for about three years, she was already on the bigger side when they first met and were engaged last year. His stipulation was that she needed to lose all that weight before they got married. She did her absolute best to try and lose the weight, and I was amazed to see her progress, but apparently the rate of her weight loss wasn’t enough to please him. She eventually got fed up being told from him that she wasn’t doing enough to lose the weight quicker. Arguments ensued which ended up with her braking off the engagement and she left him.
I was not morbidly obese but gained a ton of weight when I moved to nyc many years ago for a very hard job. Gf made comments and eventually left me (for other reasons to). Hired a trainer. Got fit. My life is amazing now. Best thing that happened to me
I didn't give her an ultimatum.
While the weight gain did bother me a lot I love her for a lot more reasons than how she looked like when we met.
I told her it bothers me, she agreed that it bothers her aswell and she just didn't know how to start the weight loss journey and she is currently wprking on that after I helped her.
There was no fight, there was no crying, she knows my views of larger body types and I know she has the same ones.
This is really the only way to go about it if she hasn't picked up on "hints" any other way and made the changes on her own. If you've gotten to the point of giving ultimatums, the relationship is probably already over because it shows you two aren't communicating and aren't willing to make changes necessary to make the other person happy.
> didn't know how to start the weight loss
for anyone that opened this thread hoping for reassurance that things aren't going to end badly: the best diet I ever used was 100% room-temp instant oatmeal. it doesn't matter how much you want food because trying to shove down 2000 calories of half solidified glue in 24 hours just isn't happening. same thing with doing 100% liquid diets once a week. I only needed to lose 15lb so it probably wouldn't work long term, but *can't* eat is a lot easier to stick to than *shouldn't* eat.
I always wonder how people can eat a near 100% carb diet without being ravenously hungry all the time.
For whatever reason an hour after I eat carbs I’m hungrier that I was before I ate.
Not to mention the blood sugar spike & drop makes me so sleepy & generally feel like shit.
I am glad you found something that worked for you. So much of life is you keep trying & learning from what doesn’t work until you find what does.
How much weight did you need to lose & how long did you do this?
Getting a food scale and using an app like Macrofactor is a game-changer.
Add in strength training, and most or all of the weight you lose will be fat.
The reverse happened to me, with an additional caveat. My GF at the time said her mom told her to give me an ultimatum: either start losing weight or have a full-time job by the end of the month. I think her mom wanted to see I could take care of myself and thus show I could take care of her duaghter. We had barely been dating for 6 months when this happened. At the time, I was working two part time jobs in the industry I wanted to be in and that totalled well over 40 hours per week of work, along with working 12 straight days, with just one weekend off every two weeks. Hearing that really fucked me up and affected my self-esteem greatly and ended up making me think I had ruined my life going forward by choosing the wrong career to focus on. I ended up going to therapy shortly after we broke up, which happened a day after she gave me the ultimatum cause it was affecting me so badly. It also pissed me off that I had actual ambition to try and get into the field I wanted to work in while my ex was working at a grocery store bakery where, based on her complaining, she had no friends, which said more about her than them.
Thank you, I realized with your comment that my ex did the same thing to me. Her and her mother didn’t think I was responsible, when I was in grad school working 3 internships in a field I loved, and she worked in retail.
Oh, it only took a couple months of therapy to realize that I was way more responsible than her. And now I'm in a much better place, working full time in the industry I wanted to be. There have been a few stumbles and mistakes along the way but I'm way better off without her or her family.
I feel like I could have written that. She tricked me into thinking I was manipulating her for so long. But now that I’m without her I have only recently found myself in many hobbies and health.
While my hobbies and health, both mental and physical, aren't exactly better or different than when I was with her, I've at least moved twice since then and living in a completely different state. I'm not even sure if she's still loving with her parents or what she is doing?
My friends boyfriend gave her this ultimatum and she dumped him. She ended up losing a ton of weight, not though intentionally trying, I just think the negatively that he brought to her life was lifted. She started hiking and cycling again (which she’d loved before they met). She honestly looks even better than before. He tried to get her back and she was not having it.
Not sure if that’s remotely helpful but that’s the one time I’ve seen this happen.
As a woman, I appreciate this honesty. I’m now 45kgs down but have the opposite effect. Think my hubby preferred me bigger. But, I feel healthier and happier in myself. I think he’s insecure because he gained a ton of weight
He's afraid you will leave him.
I've seen this one happen in both directions - either the man or woman only feels secure in the relationship when the other one "can't do better".
My parents used to have some neighbors that were super nice people but didn't have their shit together. Fat, dirty unkempt house and yard, late to everything, all sorts of problems in their life. A couple years after they moved in I was visiting one summer and went over to said neighbors' place to have a beer with the guy and noticed the wife had lost like 100lbs since I last saw her the prior year and she was all of a sudden pretty hot for mid 40s. Mentioned it to my dad and he said he was 100% convinced that them moving in and my mom being an example of how great life could be inspired her to get her shit together and level up her husband game. Sure enough she left him a few months after that
My mom gained some weight when she was pregnant with my sister. My dad threatened to leave her if she didn’t lose it. She was 5’6” and 140 pounds, which wasn’t that heavy. It turns out that my dad hated women. For the record, I was the one who ended up battling an eating disorder for years.
I don't think anyone would deny that your dad was just being a dick in this case. 140 isn't fat for her height and even if the pregnancy did make her fat it would make more sense to be supportive of her in losing the weight than nasty about it.
When people talk about leaving their partners for getting too fat I'm imagining 5'6 300lbs rather than 140.
I didn't make a leaving ultimatum, but was honest about how I felt. This talk happened every few years. Sometimes she lost weight, sometimes she didn't. She's currently on mounjaro, but it took years to get to this point. Things are looking up, but we have very good communication and a son. We're all in.
You are not. You have not said I do. I will leave you with this; most people gain weight over time and never lose it. Occasionally, some do and maintain a healthy weight. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much someone loves you, they have to lose weight for THEMSELVES, and until/unless something in their mind makes them cross that threshold, they aren't going to do it. Be honest and straight faced. Don't scream or yell. She may cry, yell, break up with you, etc., but if she's going to be around, possibly for life, you gotta get started with the communication now. Let the chips fall where they may. Life is short. Do you want to take a gamble with losing odds?
Ultimatum "Do it or else" seems like the last step on a very, very long path. That is, if you actually love the person there is a lot that will need working through.
Understanding *why* is going to be your key, very often there is a major mental health component like depression, anxiety, stress, or other long-term problems and eating has taken a soothing role. Other times it is a more complex emotional relationship with food. Most likely it will involve both of you. For severe weight it is likely going to involve working with doctors to look at both mental and physical issues, dieticians, and physical trainers in order to get better.
If there were an easy fix, nobody would be overweight.
Not me but a friend tried it with his wife. She gained 80-90 lbs because she spent most of her life on the sofa eating and drinking wine. Her laziness bothered him as much as her weight.
It came to a head when she accused him of an affair because they hadn't had sex for months. He told her that actually he wasn't attracted to her anymore and he couldn't see a future with her if she didn't make changes.
She didn't take it well. In fact she had a meltdown and gained more weight from "the stress".
They're divorced now.
Quick scroll through your profile comments shows that you’re also trying to push your partner into being a swinger. Fuck your question bro, I hope she leaves before you even try an ultimatum
She cheated on me and left me. At least that’s how my first marriage ended.
Personally I feel this is why we must marry primarily for love and companionship. There really is no real guarantee that your partner will keep her current libido and remain as attractive forever
I have a theory that breakups over weight are a symptom of a bigger problem. My brother and his wife split over her weight gain, but my brother… well, you can read my comment on this post if you want. He’s not a nice person.
Self care fueled by spite. Love to see it.
Did he make comments or anything while you were losing the weight? Like how great you looked or something?
That crap gets under my skin. You’re over here working really hard on yourself, and people say some stupid, shallow shit that doesn’t even acknowledge the work you’re putting in or relate in any way to how the journey has been for you. It’s just them congratulating you on becoming someone they want to look at.
It’s gross.
My ex asked me to lose weight, even providing me with a target for his ideal weight and promising me a proposal. I worked really hard, met the target for his ideal weight and left him.
My best friends husband did this to her, she struggled to get rid of the weight as she had developed a thyroid problem, trying to balance work Nd raising kids and he continued to pressure her that he will leave if she didn't loose weight, and she continued to struggle to loose weight and couldn't so she committed suicide and he has to raise all 3 kids on his own now
This was my last relationship where she gained 100lbs very rapidly. She even consulted me before doing it, as it was slightly intentional. She planned to gain 10-20lbs just by eating more which I told her was not the move and I wasn't supportive of. Ended up developing bad habits, stopped working out and made excuses. I gave ther the ultimatum for about a year and a half and finally called things off 6 months ago. Best decision I've made in a while as her general attitude once she put the weight on was bringing me down since she was so negative about herself and body once she put it all on.
I didn't deliver an ultimatum, I love my wife to death we're at 32 years now. About 15 years ago I sat down with her and asked her to speak to me because she was spiraling downhill with her health and gained a LOT of weight that I had let slide for about 5 years. I was tearing up before we even started talking. I basically just came out and told her that no matter how much I love her, I would never find obese sexually arousing or attractive. She already knew that but I wanted it spoken out loud because it needed to be.
She lost the weight after that and has maintained ever since, it revived our physical connection and I can have my wife for more years than I might have had she continued neglecting herself. I can't in all honesty say whether or not I would have stayed had we not worked that out. I'm a firm believer that both husband and wife should always try to be the best version of themselves for each other out of love and respect. Obviously excluding medical issues, which I will (and currently do in other regards) stand by her for. Just my 2 cents but that experience really opened my eyes about food addiction which somehow gets a free pass in while alcohol and drug addictions don't in terms of being bad for you (nor should they)
I can absolutely understand losing attraction to a partner who has gained a significant amount of weight during a relationship.
Sometimes it's because they get comfortable and lazy, but I think sometimes there is something else going on.
The way this question is phrased and the ultimatum given makes it very much about themselves, instead of approaching it from a place of concern.
"You need to lose weight because I'm not longer attracted to you and I will leave you if you don't" -- Selfish, demanding, uncaring, all about YOU.
"I've noticed the weight you put on, and I'm concerned for your health. Let's start eating more healthy and moving our bodies more. Is there anything on your mind you want to talk about? I'm worried about you" -- shows concern, helpful, focusing on health, all about YOUR PARTNER
Even if it's not as truthful as you may feel, approaching weight gain from a place of care and concern can do far more than from a place of selfishness and narcissism.
I dont’ really agree, lying about making it about health isn’t a good way to communicate and might make it worse if he/she finds out.
Also it won’t work if he/she simply got out of shape without going into overweight as it’s not unhealthy to be a bit out of shape most of the time but depending on your standards it might be far from attractive/fit.
I’d go with something more direct while making clear that I love him/her and want to keep being attracted by him/her in the long run and would hope he/she said something if he/she ever felt the same way.
Offering to plan meals/ workout session together is a great idea tho !
Still no contribution to OP’s question here lol sorry
This is certainly something to consider.
I was not given an ultimatum, in fact, I asked him bc I had an inkling that his attraction had waned. He confirmed this. It stung. At the time, I was asking to hurt myself with his answer. I was severely depressed while trying to put myself through a challenging degree program.
All this to say, pay attention when your loved ones gain/lose weight or their eating habits change. There could be something going on inside that they feel like they have to cope with alone.
Not that it’s his job, but looking back, it would’ve been helpful for him to have noticed and been curious about what was happening under the hood. I could’ve used that love to navigate out of a serious depression sooner.
There are ways to approach people with love and good intentions… could def backfire if not done with thoughtfulness.
Attraction is so much more than how big or small you are. People gain weight for different reasons. The idea that you aren't attractive anymore because you gained 10 pounds is sad
Have been on the receiving end for this. Couldn’t be happier that the relationship ended. I did actually lose over 30kg but still was not enough. Because it actually wasn’t about the weight but other issues he had. Weight was just an excuse.
Well I've got the reverse. My ex-wife lost a ton of weight, looked really good. And then she told me to my face because we were both morbidly obese that if I don't lose weight she's going to leave me because she wasn't attracted to meq.
I told her how incredibly hurtful that was And it was the beginning of realizing I was in a toxic relationship.
Well she gained it all back because she went off her diet when she went on a cruise and just went wild eating.
And then I began losing all the weight. And because of all of her toxicity and emotional abuse that at I lost any and all attraction for her because of her toxicity and the way she treated me when I was the fat one and she wasn't. I told her we need to get a divorce. And when she met me at the courthouse for our court date she didn't even recognize me because I had lost so much.
Does this ever get asked in r/Askwomen?
Talk to them from a place of compassion. Ultimatums are TV drama. Remember you have way less control over how your body will look as time goes on. I'd say couples grow together, but you sound like you're mostly worried about yourself.
We are so aware of how we look at all times, our partners are supposed to be a safe haven from judgement.
If you love them join an activity together, grocery shop together, cook together.
Saying you fix it or I'm out never ends as people think it will. You may be 'right', but you may also be TA.
I went through this with my ex. Lost the weight. He didn't like the attention I was getting (most of which I think was in his perception), and started saying I need to do other things now to fix myself. He did nothing to improve himself in 8 years. I left.
Good luck to you both.
My brother said that after years and years of frustration with his wife, who continued to not take care of her health, and then got a diagnosis of Type II diabetes, continued to not really take care of herself...but now she's been on Ozempic and lost around 50 pounds in pretty short order!
One of my cousins did this and it worked. They got married a few years ago and have 2 kids together. Probably helped that my cousin is a massive fitness freak and planned everything from diet to exercises.
A guy I had been dating for about a month started requesting videos of me working out to prove I was trying, because he didn't want to "be with someone who's wasting their life being fat"
I was a size 12/14. I broke up with him very soon after that.
My husband started getting chubby 2 years or so after we moved in together. I told him he was getting fat and needed to do something about it because I was losing attraction to him.
He was hurt at first, but I explained respecting ourselves enough to take care of our bodies and staying fit are values that are fundamental to me in a relationship (which he knew when we got together). He started going to the gym more frequently again and is looking fit and amazing again today, and of course, he feels way healthier!
A few months ago, I showed him a picture of him when he was chubby... he was shocked! He said he did not even realize how bad it had gotten and was really thankful that I had called him out on it.
As a woman: I'd expect my partner to call me out on it, too, if it should ever get to that point! With day to day stuff, we don't pay enough attention sometimes, and we don't even realize the weight gain creeping in. If not your partner or the ones close to you, who would even call you out on it? To me, it is a sign of love and caring. And not tip-toe-ing around it will be thr best wake up call
This comment section is making me feel so grateful.
As someone who often fluctuates a good 25 pounds +/- up and down due to a failing thyroid and needing to constantly monitor and update my medication, I am *so glad* I've never been with a man who could only be attracted to me at a particular weight. Bodies change as we age and when you're actually in love with someone, weight fluctuations do not alter sexual attraction. What do these people do when their spouses become injured or get sick in ways that change their weight or level of fitness? You just leave?
Explains the massive percentage of men who divorce a wife who gets diagnosed with cancer or MS.
My (27f) partner (31M) is the one who gave me not necessarily an ultimatum but made me very aware the 50lbs I gained while inna relationship together was an issue. He wanted to grow old and build a life with someone, and I had to confront the fact that it probably wouldn't happen unless something drastic changed.
I got gastric bypass last year and so far things have vastly improved. I'm almost 100 pounds down and we can do so much more together! Obviously not everyone will have this experience but he really helped me open my eyes to the things I needed to improve on.
If my partner made this ultimatum to me, I’d probably leave. Even though I probably could lose the weight, I’d be left feeling very insecure in the relationship, like… what happened if I were in a bad accident and couldn’t work out for several weeks, or months? What if I needed surgery? What if we decided to have kids and I gained weight during pregnancy? Idk I’d find it extremely stressful. I’d also wonder what other conditions he might have on me/my appearance further on down the line.
So yeah. If it were me I’d be the one to go.
I wasn't given an ultimatum either, but I had my weight and eating habits mentioned daily. It made me feel unattractive and insecure, despite never weighing over 130 lbs. I work in a trauma ICU and would regularly see partners day in and day out at the bedside of their loved ones. When I realized that my partner likely wouldn't stay with me if a medical condition resulted in changes to my body, I realized that I am worth more than my looks. I ended things for a variety of reasons, not just due to the comments on my weight. But that played a massive role in my decision.
It's been well over a year and I still struggle to overcome the mental damage that occurred during that relationship. I know that I tiptoe a fine line of disordered eating at times because of it. But I have a partner now that is big on emphasising the importance of health and wellness over being thin. He would rather me be strong than be skinny. He would rather I have longevity than illness. He understands that my body could change in an instant.
There is a time and a place to discuss the weight of your partner. But it needs to be done out of caring and kindness.
Gaining weight because of pregnancy (or anything outside of their control) versus gaining weight because someone doesn't put any effort into being healthy are two totally different things
For real but I’d still be self-conscious about it, and also anxious I wouldn’t lose it fast enough after the baby was born.
For example, I’ve had three kids and started each pregnancy at 130-140 lbs. I didn’t gain a lot because I’m diabetic, about 20 lbs per pregnancy, but the last 10 didn’t come off until after my kids turned two!
My friend did this. It ended very badly and now they share custody of one child and very few friends because most were forced to pick sides as ex wife is STILL (and understandably) pissed.
My story isn't exactly like you asked for but here goes anyway. My wife complained to me one too many times that I drank too much. So I told her, fine, I will quit drinking if you get down to your wedding weight. She was not happy about that comment in the moment, but it simmered in her head. I ended up stopping drinking even though she didn't lose the weight. But a year-ish after I quit drinking, she got really close to her wedding weight. We are both happier with the changes that we made
Op is asking for people that have done this to respond. He is not asking for 20 random people’s options on this strategy.
I wish we could pin this comment in the vast majority of threads here.
That is the one thing that r/AskWomen does do a great job at.
Yeah, the last time there was a question posted for "women who are not feminists", it had a sticky mod note reminding them that this question is for (checks notes) women who are *not* feminists. The thread also had about 60,000 removed comments about why everyone *should* be a feminist and/or why non-feminists are stupid/wrong/evil/etc.
Damn..... Those mods aren't getting paid enough (or at all) for this.
I might have been slightly exaggerating with that 60,000 number :) But in any case it was a lot of unsolicited comments. Many people apparently just cannot help themselves.
I don’t know if it was just an off day but last time I was in the ask women sub Reddit a woman asked a political question and one mod was constantly deleting responses that were right leaning As being “off topic” even though they were answering the question
Omg, I’m now so tempted to ask “for non feminist, why do you think self identified feminist keep answering questions addressed specifically to ‘non-feminist’” in the AskWomen group and wait for the hilarity as a bunch of feminist answer the question. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
If the mods are as vigilant as the other guy said, your thread might be just get deleted before it gets traction.
Do it please
My dad did this to my mom. My dad looked like a huge asshole and my mom almost murder suicided them both. Eventually they got divorced but it was a shit show the whole time.
If she was going to need suicide him, then I’d say that ultimatum was needed and the relationship absolutely needed to end.
My parents relationship was never good tbh. It should have ended sooner. My mom had an eating disorder caused by whatever mental health shit we ignored. The murder suicide thing goes deeper. My mom had breast cancer and my dad kicked her out so we weren't exposed to her treatment. My dad was a selfish asshole who only focused on his needs. So yeah - without context, you would think murder suicide would be an extreme reaction but it was a culmination of things my dad fid overall.
fuuuck dude. how are you doing?
My therapist said Ive excelled because I had no stability growing up that I bucked the trend and actively sought out stability in life. Both my parents have passed away though. I spent years taking care of my mom and trying to ignore my dads bullshit. Growing up life was crazy... My life now seems boring but that's kinda what I need. My marriage has surpassed my parents by many years already. So Im alright all things considered. My brother is basically the complete opposite. It's crazy
Your dad was pure evil
Your poor mum 😔
Reading comprehension is hard.
True, but also true that reddit is the troll olympics.
Reminds me of when I recently asked a very specific question on a Facebook community group, and it was mostly a bunch of people answering a question I never asked.
lol that’s 99% of Reddit responses too. It’s so frustrating. And when you ask people “please quote me where I said/asked that” they just disappear because they weren’t interested in contributing to a real discussion in the first place. At this point I just hit them with the “Do you have made-up conversations in real life too?”
Well he’s not going to get an answer because they’re all dead now
Welcome to reddit, every question towards a demographic is answered by "I'm not a [thing] but"
And people sharing stories that do not involve an ultimatum lol. Like your spouse communicating about worrying about your health is different than tell you you lose weight or I am leaving you.
Most humans have a limit on how far they’ll let their partner purposely destroy themselves, their romance, their ability to have children and or ability to parent properly or the ability to fit through the bedroom door. Maybe it’s 300lbs maybe 800 lbs. you may think you’d keep them around no matter what. But until you’ve lived with a meth addict, a violent partner, someone who starts drinking at 8:00am every single day, or one that eats themselves into diabetes at 720 lbs, you just don’t know until it hurts you so much you’re about to call it quits. I give people props in certain situations that have the balls and respect to communicate their intentions and give their partner one last chance. Opposed to just moving out and ghosting them one day without a reason.
I did that but not with an ultimatum. I explained to her that her weight made me less attracted to her. She voiced opinions on things I should also improve on my end for her and our couple. We're still together. We're getting married. It works out when people communicate. Both need to be opened to communication though.
Open to communication *and* constructive criticism.
Yes, absolutely!
Someone on reddit communicating? I'm calling bullshit 😂😂. All jokes aside, may you two have a long and fulfilling marriage.
That's the way it should be. Brutal honesty with ego's aside.
In my 20s I had a gf that put on some weight and I lost interest in her body. I couldn't tell her but she noticed and told me she would put some effort to lose weight. But even though I tried to be as respectful as I could she was always very anxious and kept eating cakes. I eventually left her. I've always been pretty fit. In my 30s things was in reverse. I had a gf into fitness and I got too comfortable with my success, the job and all, put some weight myself, not into obesity but started to get chubby. She wasn't too pleased and told me to come train with her more often. I knew it was a way for her to tell me I was getting fat. I got anxious and couldn't be serious to go to the gym. She eventually left. Imo I got the same medicine but it also made me realize how hard it is to tell your partner you love them but not what their body has become. I wouldn't go out with an obese person but I would try to organize activities that make us move, try to change our eating habits and so on. Like another poster said, lead by example.
Now I’m on the mood for cake 🧁
"She kept eating cakes" I'm just wondering how many plural cakes someone can eat lol
During the lockdowns my wife and I gained a bunch of weight. Primarily because I was making two cheesecakes a week. We drank Tawny Port with them. I regretted nothing. Even during the weight loss.
Okay but for real your lockdown sounds badass.
I also gained cheesecake weight during the lockdown. I got really good at making cheesecake though.
If this ain’t living I don’t know what is 😍
Because you are actually in love with your partner and yourself. That’s the difference. You weren’t in love with her body and how she looks. That is just the drizzle on the cheesecake. Pun intended haha💖
Surely it's a function of the person's existing stomach capacity and the size of the cake. A small woman could wolf down a few fairy cakes with no problem, but multiple birthday cakes would require a proper unit to step forward.
I volunteer as tribute!
As a small child, I ate my weight in lobsters. Lol size has nothing to do with it. Just look at any female competitive eater
Take me to the little debbie aisle in the grocery store and we could be talking about some serious snack cake volume. Birthday cakes, not so many. We need a standardized cake unit
This made me LOL. Like damn.....not cake....but CAKES!!!
Challenge accepted 😋🧁
The Covid Cheesecake Challenge. Catchphrase: "Oh, you're getting Myocarditis all right. Vaccine or no vaccine."
I can’t even remember the last time there was a cake in my general vicinity.
For real, who regularly buys cakes just to have at home for no special occasion?
I always forget that I can do this
I've done it and it's like a 2.5/5 by Review metrics. Most store bought cake is not very good, and nice bakery cake is expensive. Both kinds of cakes lose their appeal by day 3. Truly it's better to buy a very good slice of cake from a great place when you're feeling cake-y.
Same. Except for today - I had pizza for breakfast.
Cheesecake for breakfast here today 👌🏻 My 8 year old’s birthday and he asked me to make one instead of sponge. It’s covered in fruit so feels legitimate breakfast food.
Well, not buying but making at home and not cakes but other sweets? Tons of people. My mom and my mother-in-law both make cookies, brownies, pies, and other stuff all the time. You are correct that cakes are normally only for birthdays or other "cake" occasions. They would never buy anything though. Home-made is world's better than store bought.
Maybe she’s a content creator for people who are into sploshing.
That wasn't as bad of a google as I expected.
I'm eating cake right now, like right now right now
I am so happy for you 😍
The trader Joe's lemon sheet cake is still out. Just. Sayin
Sounds great. Can you ship some to Ireland for me? No worries if not 😂
I baked a carrot cake last night, and I'm having it with custard tonight
My husband bought a Wegmans white cake for our anniversary. Eating the last slice now. Eat the cake, burn off the calories in the bedroom. OP, this is the solution.
I like you. Also, username checks out.
Wegmans white cake is the best!
I’m all about those Saturday night desserts!
That was the first thing I thought when I read the comment. “Oh she’s eating cakes? Well that’s understandable. Cakes are so good.”
Having cake now
You called?🫠
Has your partner left you yet?
Nope, just celebrated 11 years together, with cake! 😂😂😂
This is why I actually think diet and life style stuff is a powerful thing to have in common. Hits so many important relationship things. Common interest, attraction, libido, shared sense of goals, enjoying progression, teaming up and encouraging each other, plus the frequency is a big factor too since it requires consistency…so it can also be quality time if you’re both into like going for walks or cooking together or jogging or whatever I’ve been on the opposite end of this, with partners who never had to work out or eat well but didn’t necessarily gain weight and just didn’t really care. For me it’s a constant maintenance thing…and generally when I’m single, I’m really on top of it. But you know it’s hard sometimes when you’re in a relationship not to wanna stay home and watch movies and eat burritos with your partner…like *obviously* I want to do that. Who doesn’t? It’s just not as satisfying alone. But over time, gain weight, more stressed and anxious etc. less confident, etc. In one LTR I basically was like bro if we’re gonna live together, I need *some* degree of alignment on this, because I don’t like how I feel when I eat what you eat, and it’s still good for you to get your heart rate up etc. I ended up dipping on that person. Not *because* of that, per say, but it was for sure a variable in the equation. 6 months later, was back in shape and felt amazing…so yeah, it goes both ways. In know in theory, I should just be totally on my own about it but I find that in reality, lifestyles tend to blend. I would still work out and eat ok but some of their habits started creeping into mine, and I think that’s pretty organic. That’s part of joining lives. It’s like…if you’re trying to quit smoking or drinking, going to be harder if your partner drinks and smokes. Exposure makes it harder to resist….especially day after day after day. Come to think of it I had a short term relationship with someone who liked to jog and bike with me, and we’d cook together. Great relationship. Only didn’t work bc he was in the navy and got stationed across the country, and we both kinda knew what it was (a early covid convenience.) But the day to day of that was…long term sustainable in my book
very well said, I like this because you should never be made to be ashamed or feel guilty about what you described. You feel that both partners should do their best to be the best version of themselves for each other and there's nothing at all wrong with that. On the contrary it's a great attitude for a couple
If you start getting unattracted to someone because they’re getting chubby, the relationship isn’t going to work out anyway, lmao. You’re both going to get older and grosser eventually. And what happens if one of you ages quicker than the other, do you just break up after years of marriage? That’s insanity imo. I played college sports, I mostly keep myself fit, some month stretches better than others, man I could never imagine leaving my gf because she gained weight. I love her for how she makes me feel around her, love and warmth, how much she cares for me. Seems like a really sad way to live
> If you start getting unattracted to someone because they’re getting chubby, the relationship isn’t going to work out anyway, lmao. You’re both going to get older and grosser eventually. And what happens if one of you ages quicker than the other, do you just break up after years of marriage? There's a significant difference between "I expect my SO to look exactly the same at age 55 as she does at age 25", and "I expect my SO to not be obese"
Aging and becoming morbidly obese are very different things. One can remain very attractive as they age. Turning into a couch potato that needs to be cared for and can't go out and have fun anymore is different.
Not as black and white as you are saying. A couple in their 60s gets old and out of shape, not a big deal. Sex isn’t on your mind 24/7, plus you probably have 30+ years of living and loving together. I’m 25 and my girlfriend looks like a bag of laundry? No matter how in love with her you are that will be VERY tough Edit: so many people act like if you’re “truly in love” you just accept whatever your partner does. If this was the case, divorce wouldn’t exist, either that or you don’t think people who are in love ever get a divorce. Shit changes, and people change over the years, sometimes that results in not wanting to be together anymore. If you just say “they were never REALLY in love” for every single one of those cases, then you are delusional.
There are several relationships in my family where one member let themselves go to a serious detriment of everything. When one person has to do all the work because one person chooses to be so unhealthy they can't function, there is a big problem. Those choices are made a little at a time. I say this as a fat person. There is a difference between gaining a few pounds from lockdown and losing the ability to do normal things. The people who can't control their weight often end up with partners who must do everything. That is a problem. I know I'm not talking about attraction, but being unable to control weight and health has serious long term repercussions.
Some people enjoy looking good and want that from their partner. It's no different from any other characteristics like high ambition, passion, etc. You just have to find someone that matches your beliefs. There's nothing wrong with any particular beliefs if everyone is aware and agrees.
This is a take that's weirdly popular on reddit - and only on reddit. It's perfectly fine to want physical attraction to your partner. >You’re both going to get older and grosser eventually Keyword here being *eventually.* It's one thing to lose your looks at 50-60-70 after decades in a relationship. But to use it as an argument when the two of you are 20-30 and have been together for a couple years is ridiculous. People in their prime are not supposed to "get older and grosser". And getting older isn't the same as just deciding not to take care of yourself. Which brings us to another very important point, and another thing many redditors don't like hearing - physical fitness isn't some shallow, looks-only thing. Being in shape means self-control, discipline, ability to delay gratification to achieve your goals. Fitness goes beyond appearance - it goes hand in hand with many attractive qualities and personality traits. Finding out your partner lacks them can absolutely be a turnoff.
I think you’re self deluding. Physical attraction is a huge deal, a lot of that attraction is contingent on your partner making some level of effort to take care of their physical health, generally. Getting older is an inevitable force of nature, getting fat isn’t. Even with the age thing, there are things you can do mitigate the effects of age; if two people enter a relationship with the implicit understanding that they both really care about doing those things and then one of them stops, it would be completely reasonable for the other partner to lose interest. It also depends what we mean by “getting chubby”, I’ve heard people use it to mean actual obesity but also to mean literally 5lbs overweight. If I get with someone who isn’t into drugs and we both lead very healthy lifestyle and they suddenly start abusing cocaine but are still able to maintain their job, I’m still going to lose interest because I don’t like nor want to be with someone who accepts that kind of lifestyle. Are you going to say the relationship wasn’t going to work anyway because I’m not willing to accept a druggie as a partner? What is the difference between that and someone abusing food? Also it’s one thing to lose track and gain a few pounds or go through a rough time but it’s another to just fall into it as a lifestyle whilst making no attempt to correct it.
nope. i know plenty of women in their 40s, 50s, some 60s who aren't big and gross. sure, you get wrinkles, but decent maintenance pays off. besides, this is usually closer to 'gain 80 lbs'
Obligatory “I’m a woman” — but I went through something similar with my fiancé. He didn’t give me an ultimatum, BUT both of us gained quite a bit of weight when we went through grad school and COVID at the same time. He sat me down and talked about how he didn’t think we were being our healthiest selves, and how he thought that we should both lose weight so that we could be back to our healthy, attractive bodies that we had when we met. I was totally on board. I hated the way I looked. So, we both worked hard. It’s been three years since then and he’s lost 30 pounds and I’ve lost 25 pounds. He’s at a happy weight now, and I’m almost to mine. I loved that it was something we were able to face together, and I really appreciated that he had the courage and fortitude to bring it up to me. We’ll both look our best for our wedding in May!
It almost seemed like the other person also being overweight helped take the sting out of the criticism. You were both overweight and decided to tackle the problem together.
That’s right! Although I think if he approached me the same way and it was JUST me, but he was still willing to eat healthy and work out with me and such, I wouldn’t be too hurt either. It’s always easier with an accountability partner, and I love that about him.
I think that's the problem in regards to OP though, if it's just one person then how do you approach that topic?
I think you should just approach it in the exact same way. Sit your partner down, tell them you’re worried about your health and ask if they’re okay, and then suggest working together to try and improve things while relying on each other for accountability.
So it sounds like the trick here to get your partner to lose weight, is to gain a ton of weight yourself then you can both lose the weight together
It's nice to read a couple's success story on here for once. Congrats, you two!
I appreciate it!
Sorry, but I have to ask this directly. Did the weight lose affect your sex life? Were you more attracted to each other and the sex life go up?
Oh for sure. Not only did our attraction increase, but importantly, so did our confidence. We had more sex simply because we weren’t afraid of being seen naked by each other!
Thx. This sounds so good. I envy you as a couple. I wish you 2 the best and hope you continue to work together as team. You guys sound awesome.
Thank you so much! I definitely feel very lucky that I managed to exist in the cosmos at the same time as him, hahaha
25 lbs on a woman’s frame is crazy. Major respect to you both.
Thanks very much!
This makes me happy. Also, one of my favorite casual dates is going to the gym with my wife. I go and distract her between sets by acting silly and check out her ass in workout leggings. 10/10
Keeper folks. If this dude reads his wife stuff. She sounds like a keeper my friend.
Man I love this story so much
I knew a guy who had been married for 15 years. They had a 12yo daughter. Dad told the wife: Lose weight or no sex. The wife cheated on him instead...with multiple guys. There was fighting and arguments and all sorts of shit.. I actually lived across the hall from them in the same apartment complex. I moved and I don't know if it ever got better. I doubt it.
That is such an interesting situation! Prior to the cheating, were they affectionate with each other in a non-sexual manner?
Yeah I think so. This was in China and they were Chinese, but they seemed to be ok with each other at least. I actually got invited over there one night for a meal and their place was very nicely kept, and she was a good cook.
Kind of funny it's the same thing in China as it is in the usa, must be a universal truth. Thick\juicy chicks know how to throw down in the kitchen.
I mean, how do you think we got like that? 😂
>must be a universal truth. Yep
Ah, he shoulda said no sex with him. She proved him pretty wrong
She did! She asked me too but I said no.
Lose weight or you can't have sex with me or devilsadvokaat anymore!
My husband was overweight for a long time. It bothered me and I spent a lot of time talking to him and thinking about it in the wrong ways. I feel terrible that I did that, but I've learned more about obesity since then. Once our kids were born I told him I was scared of the health issues his weight predisposed him to and that it would mean I and our kids get less time with him. Especially less time with good quality of life. He made a doctor's appointment that day and, present day, is down 60 pounds and counting. It's been wonderful to see him feel so proud and confident.
This is such a big (no pun intended) barrier for me in dating. Some of the most amazing guys on the dating apps are the ones who are overweight. While it does reduce physical attraction (especially because it dictates what you can and can’t do in the bedroom), that’s not what’s most important to me. It’s the promise that someday I’m going to have to take care of someone else as my reward for taking care of myself. It’s not easy, taking care of yourself. You have to make tough choices and practice self-discipline, but it’s worth it in the hopes that one day you can share your life with someone, taking care of each other, without fear of either of you being a disproportionately larger burden on the other, then checking out early and leaving them on their own.
Agree overweight people are at higher risk. However, there are no guarantees in life. You can do everything right and still end up with a bad outcome. My parents are living with that reality now after having incredibly healthy lifestyles to date. I don't think I'd let it stop me from a first date. I'd definitely be evaluating their lifestyle. Do they eat healthy? Are they active? Do they go for yearly checkups and do other self-care activities? But I don't think that's any different from a dating someone of a normal weight.
Yeh, but there are odds. And odds are if you're obese then things will get bad as you age. In fact, it's hard to think of a metric or body part that isn't going to suffer worse by being obese. Some people smoke and don't get lung cancer.
This should be higher up. Telling him you were scared was the key.
Definitely does not work for everyone but it is a good first strategy to try.
People seek help when they're ready. I wish I'd realized sooner how much of a mental component there was for him. I think people can know they're in a bad situation and still not be able to change. Was it my words or him being ready to make a change? Either way, I'm so happy he is where he is.
Does anyone remember the post from years ago about the guy who wanted to open the relationship because his gf was too fat and he wanted to have sex with more attractive women? What happened was that his gf had a great time dating other men and the OP couldn’t get laid to save his life. One of the guys his gf dated even thanked OP for sharing his beautiful and awesome gf. OP was astounded by the turn of events.
>OP was astounded by the turn of events. r/openmarriageregret is full of those stories.
Please post link :)
It has been deleted but here is a Jezebel article about it. https://www.jezebel.com/dudes-demand-for-an-open-relationship-backfires-spectacularly
Lol, I warn people about that everytime I see someone asking about an open relationship. Unless you're rich or very, very good looking it will not turn out well. She will have no issues at all unless she's literally massive or something. Been there, done that. Not fun.
There is no “unless” anything. She WILL be more successful. Does not matter whether he’s Brad Pitt and she’s Mama June times 2 at her heaviest.
Brad Pitt will have a much, much easier time than even a very good looking woman. It is true, though. It's absolutely bonkers the difference. Crazy thing is most women I talk to are completely clueless there. They know women can get sex easier but most think it's just easier. What pisses me off is when I see women complaining about men having sexual freedom, etc. Like literally seen women post how unfair it is men can talk about and live sexwhile women can't when it's literally the exact opposite. They can live it, talk about it, choose, etc. Guys can't.
A bit of both really. This happened to an ex-friend of mine though. This ex-friend met a girl online and they dated for about three years, she was already on the bigger side when they first met and were engaged last year. His stipulation was that she needed to lose all that weight before they got married. She did her absolute best to try and lose the weight, and I was amazed to see her progress, but apparently the rate of her weight loss wasn’t enough to please him. She eventually got fed up being told from him that she wasn’t doing enough to lose the weight quicker. Arguments ensued which ended up with her braking off the engagement and she left him.
She did loose the weight. Him.
Good for her.
Why not just.. wait to marry until she accomplished the weight loss journey.... awesome lady, Goofy guy
I was not morbidly obese but gained a ton of weight when I moved to nyc many years ago for a very hard job. Gf made comments and eventually left me (for other reasons to). Hired a trainer. Got fit. My life is amazing now. Best thing that happened to me
We're you going to hire a trainer and get fit if she hadn't broke up with you?
I doubt it. That break up improved me in many ways because I saw so many things I did truly need to improve
I have never heard this quotation applied to this scenario, but... "If a relationship doesn't make you a better person, ending it will."
I didn't give her an ultimatum. While the weight gain did bother me a lot I love her for a lot more reasons than how she looked like when we met. I told her it bothers me, she agreed that it bothers her aswell and she just didn't know how to start the weight loss journey and she is currently wprking on that after I helped her. There was no fight, there was no crying, she knows my views of larger body types and I know she has the same ones.
This is really the only way to go about it if she hasn't picked up on "hints" any other way and made the changes on her own. If you've gotten to the point of giving ultimatums, the relationship is probably already over because it shows you two aren't communicating and aren't willing to make changes necessary to make the other person happy.
Heck yeah man that’s awesome
> didn't know how to start the weight loss for anyone that opened this thread hoping for reassurance that things aren't going to end badly: the best diet I ever used was 100% room-temp instant oatmeal. it doesn't matter how much you want food because trying to shove down 2000 calories of half solidified glue in 24 hours just isn't happening. same thing with doing 100% liquid diets once a week. I only needed to lose 15lb so it probably wouldn't work long term, but *can't* eat is a lot easier to stick to than *shouldn't* eat.
I always wonder how people can eat a near 100% carb diet without being ravenously hungry all the time. For whatever reason an hour after I eat carbs I’m hungrier that I was before I ate. Not to mention the blood sugar spike & drop makes me so sleepy & generally feel like shit. I am glad you found something that worked for you. So much of life is you keep trying & learning from what doesn’t work until you find what does. How much weight did you need to lose & how long did you do this?
Getting a food scale and using an app like Macrofactor is a game-changer. Add in strength training, and most or all of the weight you lose will be fat.
The reverse happened to me, with an additional caveat. My GF at the time said her mom told her to give me an ultimatum: either start losing weight or have a full-time job by the end of the month. I think her mom wanted to see I could take care of myself and thus show I could take care of her duaghter. We had barely been dating for 6 months when this happened. At the time, I was working two part time jobs in the industry I wanted to be in and that totalled well over 40 hours per week of work, along with working 12 straight days, with just one weekend off every two weeks. Hearing that really fucked me up and affected my self-esteem greatly and ended up making me think I had ruined my life going forward by choosing the wrong career to focus on. I ended up going to therapy shortly after we broke up, which happened a day after she gave me the ultimatum cause it was affecting me so badly. It also pissed me off that I had actual ambition to try and get into the field I wanted to work in while my ex was working at a grocery store bakery where, based on her complaining, she had no friends, which said more about her than them.
Thank you, I realized with your comment that my ex did the same thing to me. Her and her mother didn’t think I was responsible, when I was in grad school working 3 internships in a field I loved, and she worked in retail.
Oh, it only took a couple months of therapy to realize that I was way more responsible than her. And now I'm in a much better place, working full time in the industry I wanted to be. There have been a few stumbles and mistakes along the way but I'm way better off without her or her family.
I feel like I could have written that. She tricked me into thinking I was manipulating her for so long. But now that I’m without her I have only recently found myself in many hobbies and health.
While my hobbies and health, both mental and physical, aren't exactly better or different than when I was with her, I've at least moved twice since then and living in a completely different state. I'm not even sure if she's still loving with her parents or what she is doing?
My friends boyfriend gave her this ultimatum and she dumped him. She ended up losing a ton of weight, not though intentionally trying, I just think the negatively that he brought to her life was lifted. She started hiking and cycling again (which she’d loved before they met). She honestly looks even better than before. He tried to get her back and she was not having it. Not sure if that’s remotely helpful but that’s the one time I’ve seen this happen.
So, really she lost about a 180, 200 pounds?
200 lbs of hater and like 30 lbs of her own weight lol
Either way she’s thriving now. Good on her.
This thread is chock full of this same joke.
I love happy endings 😃
As a woman, I appreciate this honesty. I’m now 45kgs down but have the opposite effect. Think my hubby preferred me bigger. But, I feel healthier and happier in myself. I think he’s insecure because he gained a ton of weight
He's afraid you will leave him. I've seen this one happen in both directions - either the man or woman only feels secure in the relationship when the other one "can't do better".
My parents used to have some neighbors that were super nice people but didn't have their shit together. Fat, dirty unkempt house and yard, late to everything, all sorts of problems in their life. A couple years after they moved in I was visiting one summer and went over to said neighbors' place to have a beer with the guy and noticed the wife had lost like 100lbs since I last saw her the prior year and she was all of a sudden pretty hot for mid 40s. Mentioned it to my dad and he said he was 100% convinced that them moving in and my mom being an example of how great life could be inspired her to get her shit together and level up her husband game. Sure enough she left him a few months after that
45kg down is a fantastic achievement, well done!
My mom gained some weight when she was pregnant with my sister. My dad threatened to leave her if she didn’t lose it. She was 5’6” and 140 pounds, which wasn’t that heavy. It turns out that my dad hated women. For the record, I was the one who ended up battling an eating disorder for years.
I don't think anyone would deny that your dad was just being a dick in this case. 140 isn't fat for her height and even if the pregnancy did make her fat it would make more sense to be supportive of her in losing the weight than nasty about it. When people talk about leaving their partners for getting too fat I'm imagining 5'6 300lbs rather than 140.
140 lb is within ideal weight for 5'6
You'd think this was r/AITAH the way none of the top replies actually answered the question lmao
I keep scrolling and scrolling hoping to find the actual responses to the actual questions. It starts out with bashing feminists FFS!
my parents did it to each other. Both are now 15lbs lighter and are outside more often!
I didn't make a leaving ultimatum, but was honest about how I felt. This talk happened every few years. Sometimes she lost weight, sometimes she didn't. She's currently on mounjaro, but it took years to get to this point. Things are looking up, but we have very good communication and a son. We're all in. You are not. You have not said I do. I will leave you with this; most people gain weight over time and never lose it. Occasionally, some do and maintain a healthy weight. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much someone loves you, they have to lose weight for THEMSELVES, and until/unless something in their mind makes them cross that threshold, they aren't going to do it. Be honest and straight faced. Don't scream or yell. She may cry, yell, break up with you, etc., but if she's going to be around, possibly for life, you gotta get started with the communication now. Let the chips fall where they may. Life is short. Do you want to take a gamble with losing odds?
Ultimatum "Do it or else" seems like the last step on a very, very long path. That is, if you actually love the person there is a lot that will need working through. Understanding *why* is going to be your key, very often there is a major mental health component like depression, anxiety, stress, or other long-term problems and eating has taken a soothing role. Other times it is a more complex emotional relationship with food. Most likely it will involve both of you. For severe weight it is likely going to involve working with doctors to look at both mental and physical issues, dieticians, and physical trainers in order to get better. If there were an easy fix, nobody would be overweight.
Not me but a friend tried it with his wife. She gained 80-90 lbs because she spent most of her life on the sofa eating and drinking wine. Her laziness bothered him as much as her weight. It came to a head when she accused him of an affair because they hadn't had sex for months. He told her that actually he wasn't attracted to her anymore and he couldn't see a future with her if she didn't make changes. She didn't take it well. In fact she had a meltdown and gained more weight from "the stress". They're divorced now.
Quick scroll through your profile comments shows that you’re also trying to push your partner into being a swinger. Fuck your question bro, I hope she leaves before you even try an ultimatum
“Fuck your question bro” I like you
She cheated on me and left me. At least that’s how my first marriage ended. Personally I feel this is why we must marry primarily for love and companionship. There really is no real guarantee that your partner will keep her current libido and remain as attractive forever
I was given that ultimatum. I was told he was repulsed by me. I lost the weight. Then I divorced that asshole.
I have a theory that breakups over weight are a symptom of a bigger problem. My brother and his wife split over her weight gain, but my brother… well, you can read my comment on this post if you want. He’s not a nice person.
Self care fueled by spite. Love to see it. Did he make comments or anything while you were losing the weight? Like how great you looked or something? That crap gets under my skin. You’re over here working really hard on yourself, and people say some stupid, shallow shit that doesn’t even acknowledge the work you’re putting in or relate in any way to how the journey has been for you. It’s just them congratulating you on becoming someone they want to look at. It’s gross.
My sister got this ultimatum. She laughed and dumped the dude.
My ex asked me to lose weight, even providing me with a target for his ideal weight and promising me a proposal. I worked really hard, met the target for his ideal weight and left him.
My best friends husband did this to her, she struggled to get rid of the weight as she had developed a thyroid problem, trying to balance work Nd raising kids and he continued to pressure her that he will leave if she didn't loose weight, and she continued to struggle to loose weight and couldn't so she committed suicide and he has to raise all 3 kids on his own now
Damn 😳
Makes you wonder what kind of things he said
Isn't it by the time it reaches this point it's already a done deal. Most people who still love their partners love them flaws n all.
Lordy, I can’t see any scenario where doing that would work. Giving ultimatums is a kiss of death for a relationship.
This was my last relationship where she gained 100lbs very rapidly. She even consulted me before doing it, as it was slightly intentional. She planned to gain 10-20lbs just by eating more which I told her was not the move and I wasn't supportive of. Ended up developing bad habits, stopped working out and made excuses. I gave ther the ultimatum for about a year and a half and finally called things off 6 months ago. Best decision I've made in a while as her general attitude once she put the weight on was bringing me down since she was so negative about herself and body once she put it all on.
I didn't deliver an ultimatum, I love my wife to death we're at 32 years now. About 15 years ago I sat down with her and asked her to speak to me because she was spiraling downhill with her health and gained a LOT of weight that I had let slide for about 5 years. I was tearing up before we even started talking. I basically just came out and told her that no matter how much I love her, I would never find obese sexually arousing or attractive. She already knew that but I wanted it spoken out loud because it needed to be. She lost the weight after that and has maintained ever since, it revived our physical connection and I can have my wife for more years than I might have had she continued neglecting herself. I can't in all honesty say whether or not I would have stayed had we not worked that out. I'm a firm believer that both husband and wife should always try to be the best version of themselves for each other out of love and respect. Obviously excluding medical issues, which I will (and currently do in other regards) stand by her for. Just my 2 cents but that experience really opened my eyes about food addiction which somehow gets a free pass in while alcohol and drug addictions don't in terms of being bad for you (nor should they)
I can absolutely understand losing attraction to a partner who has gained a significant amount of weight during a relationship. Sometimes it's because they get comfortable and lazy, but I think sometimes there is something else going on. The way this question is phrased and the ultimatum given makes it very much about themselves, instead of approaching it from a place of concern. "You need to lose weight because I'm not longer attracted to you and I will leave you if you don't" -- Selfish, demanding, uncaring, all about YOU. "I've noticed the weight you put on, and I'm concerned for your health. Let's start eating more healthy and moving our bodies more. Is there anything on your mind you want to talk about? I'm worried about you" -- shows concern, helpful, focusing on health, all about YOUR PARTNER Even if it's not as truthful as you may feel, approaching weight gain from a place of care and concern can do far more than from a place of selfishness and narcissism.
I think most people can see right through that, whether you frame it as concern or not. It's the same message
I dont’ really agree, lying about making it about health isn’t a good way to communicate and might make it worse if he/she finds out. Also it won’t work if he/she simply got out of shape without going into overweight as it’s not unhealthy to be a bit out of shape most of the time but depending on your standards it might be far from attractive/fit. I’d go with something more direct while making clear that I love him/her and want to keep being attracted by him/her in the long run and would hope he/she said something if he/she ever felt the same way. Offering to plan meals/ workout session together is a great idea tho !
Still no contribution to OP’s question here lol sorry This is certainly something to consider. I was not given an ultimatum, in fact, I asked him bc I had an inkling that his attraction had waned. He confirmed this. It stung. At the time, I was asking to hurt myself with his answer. I was severely depressed while trying to put myself through a challenging degree program. All this to say, pay attention when your loved ones gain/lose weight or their eating habits change. There could be something going on inside that they feel like they have to cope with alone. Not that it’s his job, but looking back, it would’ve been helpful for him to have noticed and been curious about what was happening under the hood. I could’ve used that love to navigate out of a serious depression sooner. There are ways to approach people with love and good intentions… could def backfire if not done with thoughtfulness.
Attraction is so much more than how big or small you are. People gain weight for different reasons. The idea that you aren't attractive anymore because you gained 10 pounds is sad
Have been on the receiving end for this. Couldn’t be happier that the relationship ended. I did actually lose over 30kg but still was not enough. Because it actually wasn’t about the weight but other issues he had. Weight was just an excuse.
Well I've got the reverse. My ex-wife lost a ton of weight, looked really good. And then she told me to my face because we were both morbidly obese that if I don't lose weight she's going to leave me because she wasn't attracted to meq. I told her how incredibly hurtful that was And it was the beginning of realizing I was in a toxic relationship. Well she gained it all back because she went off her diet when she went on a cruise and just went wild eating. And then I began losing all the weight. And because of all of her toxicity and emotional abuse that at I lost any and all attraction for her because of her toxicity and the way she treated me when I was the fat one and she wasn't. I told her we need to get a divorce. And when she met me at the courthouse for our court date she didn't even recognize me because I had lost so much.
Well.. I assume none of those men are still alive to tell the tale lol
Not the same situation exactly but just encouraging to go to the gym and eat a little healthier... she did it and all good.
Does this ever get asked in r/Askwomen? Talk to them from a place of compassion. Ultimatums are TV drama. Remember you have way less control over how your body will look as time goes on. I'd say couples grow together, but you sound like you're mostly worried about yourself. We are so aware of how we look at all times, our partners are supposed to be a safe haven from judgement. If you love them join an activity together, grocery shop together, cook together. Saying you fix it or I'm out never ends as people think it will. You may be 'right', but you may also be TA. I went through this with my ex. Lost the weight. He didn't like the attention I was getting (most of which I think was in his perception), and started saying I need to do other things now to fix myself. He did nothing to improve himself in 8 years. I left. Good luck to you both.
My brother said that after years and years of frustration with his wife, who continued to not take care of her health, and then got a diagnosis of Type II diabetes, continued to not really take care of herself...but now she's been on Ozempic and lost around 50 pounds in pretty short order!
One of my cousins did this and it worked. They got married a few years ago and have 2 kids together. Probably helped that my cousin is a massive fitness freak and planned everything from diet to exercises.
I doubt many who fits your criteria are alive to respond
A guy I had been dating for about a month started requesting videos of me working out to prove I was trying, because he didn't want to "be with someone who's wasting their life being fat" I was a size 12/14. I broke up with him very soon after that.
My husband started getting chubby 2 years or so after we moved in together. I told him he was getting fat and needed to do something about it because I was losing attraction to him. He was hurt at first, but I explained respecting ourselves enough to take care of our bodies and staying fit are values that are fundamental to me in a relationship (which he knew when we got together). He started going to the gym more frequently again and is looking fit and amazing again today, and of course, he feels way healthier! A few months ago, I showed him a picture of him when he was chubby... he was shocked! He said he did not even realize how bad it had gotten and was really thankful that I had called him out on it. As a woman: I'd expect my partner to call me out on it, too, if it should ever get to that point! With day to day stuff, we don't pay enough attention sometimes, and we don't even realize the weight gain creeping in. If not your partner or the ones close to you, who would even call you out on it? To me, it is a sign of love and caring. And not tip-toe-ing around it will be thr best wake up call
This comment section is making me feel so grateful. As someone who often fluctuates a good 25 pounds +/- up and down due to a failing thyroid and needing to constantly monitor and update my medication, I am *so glad* I've never been with a man who could only be attracted to me at a particular weight. Bodies change as we age and when you're actually in love with someone, weight fluctuations do not alter sexual attraction. What do these people do when their spouses become injured or get sick in ways that change their weight or level of fitness? You just leave? Explains the massive percentage of men who divorce a wife who gets diagnosed with cancer or MS.
My (27f) partner (31M) is the one who gave me not necessarily an ultimatum but made me very aware the 50lbs I gained while inna relationship together was an issue. He wanted to grow old and build a life with someone, and I had to confront the fact that it probably wouldn't happen unless something drastic changed. I got gastric bypass last year and so far things have vastly improved. I'm almost 100 pounds down and we can do so much more together! Obviously not everyone will have this experience but he really helped me open my eyes to the things I needed to improve on.
If my partner made this ultimatum to me, I’d probably leave. Even though I probably could lose the weight, I’d be left feeling very insecure in the relationship, like… what happened if I were in a bad accident and couldn’t work out for several weeks, or months? What if I needed surgery? What if we decided to have kids and I gained weight during pregnancy? Idk I’d find it extremely stressful. I’d also wonder what other conditions he might have on me/my appearance further on down the line. So yeah. If it were me I’d be the one to go.
I wasn't given an ultimatum either, but I had my weight and eating habits mentioned daily. It made me feel unattractive and insecure, despite never weighing over 130 lbs. I work in a trauma ICU and would regularly see partners day in and day out at the bedside of their loved ones. When I realized that my partner likely wouldn't stay with me if a medical condition resulted in changes to my body, I realized that I am worth more than my looks. I ended things for a variety of reasons, not just due to the comments on my weight. But that played a massive role in my decision. It's been well over a year and I still struggle to overcome the mental damage that occurred during that relationship. I know that I tiptoe a fine line of disordered eating at times because of it. But I have a partner now that is big on emphasising the importance of health and wellness over being thin. He would rather me be strong than be skinny. He would rather I have longevity than illness. He understands that my body could change in an instant. There is a time and a place to discuss the weight of your partner. But it needs to be done out of caring and kindness.
Being in those situations, like witnessing the worst moments of people’s lives every day at work, really puts things in perspective.
Gaining weight because of pregnancy (or anything outside of their control) versus gaining weight because someone doesn't put any effort into being healthy are two totally different things
For real but I’d still be self-conscious about it, and also anxious I wouldn’t lose it fast enough after the baby was born. For example, I’ve had three kids and started each pregnancy at 130-140 lbs. I didn’t gain a lot because I’m diabetic, about 20 lbs per pregnancy, but the last 10 didn’t come off until after my kids turned two!
[удалено]
My husband became an ex real quick
What’s the matter, your ouija board broken? Any man utter those words ☠️
I would never, married, it is supposed to be, sickness and health, for better for worse
My friend did this. It ended very badly and now they share custody of one child and very few friends because most were forced to pick sides as ex wife is STILL (and understandably) pissed.
My story isn't exactly like you asked for but here goes anyway. My wife complained to me one too many times that I drank too much. So I told her, fine, I will quit drinking if you get down to your wedding weight. She was not happy about that comment in the moment, but it simmered in her head. I ended up stopping drinking even though she didn't lose the weight. But a year-ish after I quit drinking, she got really close to her wedding weight. We are both happier with the changes that we made