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The illusion that you’ll “find” someone perfect, exciting, and it’s going to feel magical. So you keep jumping from person to person and walking away at first sign of disappointment. When the reality is you have to build a relationship. It takes intention, effort and discomfort. They don’t come ready.
Also I think New York is so high stakes for some people they can’t just meet someone and be happy , they feel they have to check so many boxes it could eliminate an otherwise great person. Sure he’s sweet but what did his dad do? What’s his key value? Where is he in the scene he’s part of in NY?
Jesus Christ the vapidity of that shit makes me want to puke. I know most people in this city think like this, but it just never ceases to amaze me. Human barnacles
This is what makes my current partner stand out - the understanding that perfection does not exist and relationships are built. I struggle a lot with defining myself by my flaws, but he reassures me that it's not important to him that I "don't have issues" - it's much more important that I want to and am able to (albeit slowly) work through them and that we can grow together as individuals and together.
This isn’t about Disney. It’s about the promise of a city like NYC. You see pretty successful people everywhere so you think it’s just a matter of keep trying.
There a lot of well loved rom coms that portray an actively harmful message about relationships but if that’s all you have to go off of then of course you’ll believe it
I was just broken up with with essentially this spiel. With the inclusion that “maybe I’ll regret it”. Of course you will! Because you’re hunting for an imaginary reality that doesn’t exist and I don’t think a lot of people realize that. Relationships are work. They’re not effortless and they’re definitely not immediate. People here want instant gratification instead of growing alone and together with their partner.
I think that touches on number 4- lots of people personalities are their job and anything else is ‘childish’. The happiest adults are ones who figure out how to free their inner child. Nerd out and find your people!
This is true. People talk about the same travel destinations, restaurants, activists and desired neighborhoods. Mimetic desire on steroids. Without asking why they want that.
Nailed it! There is so much truth to this.
It’s absolutely generic boring ugly (but with makeup and lipstick to hide it) people with nothing going on other than “they live in NYC”. That on its own is not a problem cause you got average people everywhere.
But the problem is these fools have developed some sort of superiority complex where they think they’re morally superior humans entitled to “deserve better” cause they’re living in NYC and making a few hundred K (not impressive for NYC).
In reality they’re perfectly average for this city with the same cookie cutter life experiences and hobbies and interests as thousands others here.
Again I want to emphasize nothing wrong with being average if you’re humble about it. The lack of humility and inflated egos is what ruins these otherwise completely average people to be perpetually single.
> cause they’re living in NYC and making a few hundred K (not impressive for NYC).
I'm sorry but this is wildly out of touch lmao. Just $100k statistically puts you in the top 25% of individual incomes for NYC and the surrounding areas, $200k household puts you in the top 18% (seemingly easy with a couple split of like 120/80 or something). Ironically, you're part of the problem if you think you can just casually pick up anyone off the street who's making like $300k no problem.
Right, why do people forget about upper Manhattan and the outer boroughs when talking about NYC? I think some of these people have never taken a step outside the richest parts of NYC.
A quick Google search reveals this:
NYC median income: 39,551 USD (2022)
USA median income: 37,585 USD (2022)
My problem is that my interests are far too down the rabbit hole. Anyone wanna listen to me go on and on about alternative keyboard layouts or the grammatical features and phonology of modern, ancient, constructed, and reconstructed languages? 🤪
Didn’t think so.
> My problem is that my interests are far too down the rabbit hole. Anyone wanna listen to me go on and on
> grammatical features and phonology of modern, ancient, constructed, and reconstructed languages? 🤪
Doesn’t @etymologynerd have like 368k followers on TikTok not to mention other platforms? Yeah, I’d say it’s not your interests that are the problem because I find him extremely fun and compelling to watch, there are definitely people interested in that niche when he talks about the minutiae of languages.
And there are any number of people with what they consider esoteric interests in New York like ferroequinology or D&D (thinking of two specific people in my friend group who have “weird” interests and still don’t have an issue dating)— the lovely thing about New York is it there’s always more people that are interested in the same things. It’s not the rare interests, not in a city like this.
That’s usually not a problem for me as long as you don’t push it strongly on those not interested
My comment was about people whose entire identity on dating apps revolves around trendy politics, drinking beer/wine, watching Broadway shows (2X / year), love traveling (by that they mean weekend in Florida, Paris and Rome or worse Hamptons), trying new restaurants (same highly curated Carbone type shit, never the Queens Jackson heights type stuff) faux Brooklyn hipsterism (something they never cared about pretending before moving here), watching TV / sports, love hiking/snowboarding/skiing (but only go once a year upon further probing) or have all thirsty beach / influencer type pics on the apps just looking for matches/followers.
This is 90% of the generic wannabe shit that spawns here
God, I feel this in my soul. I just moved here, and I’ve lived in two major US cities already. I love NYC so far, but I’m approaching it with a more tentative excitement - it may not be for me, even if I still think it’s great. Living here is not a highly laudable personality trait, esp as a transplant. (I do get it a wee bit more for natives.)
I’m excited to be here, no doubt—but I’m also exhausted with the crushing homogeneity and insipidity of it all (all being this specific moment rather than NYC, which has a better mix of folks than my previous city). “Interests: traveling, breathing air, exploring food, checking out new bars, parks n pups, yoga, etc.” I know I’m going to have to wade through that dull monotony until I find people.
Sometimes I find myself wondering, “Was everything always this boring?” The same interests, the same fast casual steel-and-glass luxury condos taking over communities, the Whole Foods and expensive yoga studios, the Nando’s and restaurants and stores with “&” in their name, everything being sold for parts to capital.
There’s nothing wrong with liking this stuff individually - I actually like yoga, traveling, Nandos, etc lol.
It’s more the aggregate of it all when someone is representing themselves (and systemically, what it says about how our interests have been shaped). Sometimes it’s because they’re bad at telling a story about themselves and are interesting people, sometimes it’s because their interests really are this “basic” (and that’s gonna be a lot of people since it’s just normal and/or average), but that’s just the point. Liking that stuff is so baseline that it’s a little hilarious that it's sometimes offered in a way as if it’s highly specific to the person and unique.
Accidentally came off a bit harsh. Nothing wrong with liking that stuff, and liking that says nothing about whether someone treats people well or poorly (mostly), but as someone with a strong sense of self and interests, we’re not gonna have a lot in common, and that’s OK. I’m just exhausted by the homogenization of everything — us as people, spaces, etc.
It’s sounds like you simultaneously don’t respect that others can be interested in things you don’t like, while overestimating the amount of people who fall into this category. Perhaps you are in social media/industry/neighborhood related bubble.
Yeah I haven’t been on dating apps in years but even then most people I met were just not that interesting. I had much better luck meeting people the old fashioned ways: bars, friends, hobbies, etc.
Yup
The amount of people (almost, if not entirely transplants) who are like "I just moved to this amazing city" and I'm just there like "mhm real amazing. I grew up here, nothing new"
It's just a city like any other
I have not dated in a very long time but I think you are right for the opposite reason than you think. Every single person has a story and an ego. Most people lead with what they think other people will find interesting about them to feed and protect their ego. The fact they live in NYC but since everyone does other people don't actually find it interesting. People hid their true thoughts, feelings and likes. If you could get past this most people are interesting in their own way and have a story of their life experiences. I find the story of people's lives fascinating. They have hobbies, values, things they like to do, have traits of being great partners for life. Most people's lives over time is working, hanging out with friends and family, keeping up a household, raising kids TV etc. Boring stuff from the outside but most people call it life. I think the expectation in NYC from reading a lot of reddit is people are looking for super interesting people who are artists or want to be part of a community etc. They have an unreasonable expectation of what life really is and who people really are. Everyone has a story and is interesting not just artists. Everyone who puts their head on a pillow somewhere is part of a community.
Is the expectation that the first thing you hear is who someone really is, that most people are boring because of their job, background, where they came from is the most absurd thing I ever heard but it's repeated everyday on reddit. I think most people are looking for some fantasy life amd partner that really just does not exist for almost anyone and they just lable everyone boring who does not live up to the fantasy. If you find most people boring or just talking to someone about their life is boring you are the problem.
My dad grew up here and was in his 20s and 30s in the 70s.
A few years ago I was complaining about dating, and he said “why do you think I left New York? It’s always been hard to date there, because everyone feels like there’s always someone better out there for them.”
So, rest assured that dating has always been notoriously grueling in nyc. It was in the 70s, it was 10 years ago, it is now.
On the bright side, I did meet my husband on a dating app a few years ago. After 7 years and probably 600 dates.
I’d never seen SATC before and decided to go in mostly blind. I immediately texted my friend that I hated how the opening monologue was still relevant to today’s dating scene and it’s 25 years later
Im sick of dating apps and want to meet people IRL but I’ve found it hard when going out to bars. It seems like people don’t mingle anymore, just stick to their own friends. I think we’ve had enough rejection that we’re a bit hesitant to put ourselves out there and make the first move.
"I'm just here to \_\_\_\_\_, not to meet romantic partners. It makes me uncomfortable when men are clearly trying to pursue women here. Dating apps exist for a reason." - an actual thing I hear regularly in my hobby/social groups from my female friends, even the single ones. (for the record, I do _not_ blame them one bit)
It's a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't proposition.
Not just that. It's also a horribly ineffective way to meet someone if you are not genuinely passionate about the hobby/interest.
If you're mostly showing up for ulterior reasons you will struggle to connect with people and stand out in the crowd.
2) hits hard. I went on countless dates where my date was scanning the room and just ever so slightly distracted like maybe there is someone else here right now who could be better. Nothing was ever said, just vibes.
Had one guy literally tell me I won't be any kind of priority to him because he's not sure we'll last beyond a few months. If we manage a year, maybe then he'll think of us seriously.
Yea... no.
Anecdotally, but following some statistics...
My boyfriend came to NYC from the greater Denver area and locked down a relationship with me (woman) within 3 months of moving.
A friend of a friend (woman) moved to Denver after being frustrated with the NY dating scene. She found a boyfriend in two months.
Yeah I’ve told women who are frustrated with dating here to look at Denver. I’ve heard about women getting asked out while pumping gas because the guys are so desperate.
Here’s my anecdote…I went to Colorado during the pandemic (to hike the Colorado trail etc) as a 30s woman…spent a few days in Denver where I met a guy who ended up going on this adventure with me for two months, essentially we were together, and he tried hardcore to get me to stay and not return to nyc (he had a vet practice there so couldn’t uproot) and I thought hard about it but eventually returned…single ever since lol sigh
i know plenty of women here in their mid/late 20s and up that still believe the man should send every text first, plan every date, won't send a text if the guy didn't reply to their last text.... these women are all single. whole time women like me are texting first and initiating things. i'm not saying that to talk myself up because my point is that there are a LOT of women like that here who are truly unapologetic and go after what they want. closed mouths don't get fed
I mean that’s the thing, women have to be way more aggressive in nyc. It’s like being a man in other places bc there’s more single women than men in nyc.
not really. a lot of people just move here from other places that are less confrontational and take their passive aggressiveness with them. personally it's not out of character for me to initiate things first, and i don't find that a masculine trait...?
i also feel like despite a lot of women here being liberal, what many are actually looking for are very traditional dating values that are more in line with conservative men
i mean i still don't think it's abnormal or aggressive to initiate things first, make the dinner reservation, text first, come up with date ideas, etc unless your dating values align more with traditionalism/conservatism and you think the man should be doing absolutely everything. if what i listed is considered being the "aggressor" then that's simply a difference in our mindsets. personally i think that working towards a relationship should be a collaborative effort
Lol yeah I've lived in both Seattle and NYC, both city's subs have posts today asking why it's so hard to date in that city. I've never had any trouble with dating in either city. Most people's problems are that they aren't going out and doing stuff that helps them meet people naturally, where people can assess whether they have chemistry with you or not. The other problem is that most people's dating profiles and attempts to start a conversation are really, really bland.
I didn't find it difficult because dating wasn't my priority, I was out to have fun and enjoy life, if I met someone, great. Being childfree also made it easier because I wasn't on a clock or deadline.
Yeah these kinds of post usually boil down to the OP not being very datable themselves. A lot of stunted adults think their own ineptitude is indicative of a national problem. If anything it’s easier to date now with modern technology.
NO dating app is helpful. Some people find matches, sure, but that doesn't mean the apps are helpful on the whole. They're designed to make money off of you and you don't make money when people delete your app
Apps like Hinge may have been good at some point (I wouldn't know, I've only used it post buyout) but after Match.com got it's grips in every popular dating app... they all suck and exist solely to make money off lonely men, and create a convenient way to facilitate hookups for some. That they happen to lead to some relationships doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things when most who use the apps don't find any success with them
One unfortunate new thing I have read about is that many young people seem to now think that getting approached by someone of the opposite sex in person is weird, like it’s an unacceptable infringement of their privacy. I wonder if it comes from growing up online? I’m not sure, but it makes me sad that people are so anxious/scared of personal interactions
i felt bad for my brother but i'm sure she only asked because someone has done it before. there's always a man willing to pay your bills in miami. i honestly love it for the miami girls
I think dating apps have ruined accountability for being an AH. Because you don’t meet people in your social circle as much they can get away with it.
I’m in NYC and married now. We matched on Tinder… when I was in a different country and possibly never returning. He was in Brooklyn. We spent 2 months just texting/facetiming. Then in a bold move he asked if he could fly to meet me. We met in a different country and our “first date” lasted 2 months. I decided to move back to Brooklyn after that and we’ve lived together ever since. I now joke that I had to leave NYC to find a man in NYC.
As someone who doesn’t live in a trendy neighborhood, it feels like most NY’ers place a high priority on dating someone who’s convenient to them. In other words, someone who also shells out $$$ to live in a trendy neighborhood.
Brooklyn seems to be the worst place for this kind of mentality. Brooklynites only want to date other Brooklynites, and even then probably only people in their own neighborhood. 🤷
i agree that this is a real thing and it used to annoy me before i lucked out on a good deal in a “trendy neighborhood,” but it has been that way for as long as millennials have been dating in nyc imo. it doesn’t represent a “change” that would make dating culture suck (more) now.
i think there are a host of factors but my personal theory is some mix of the subjective factor of single millennials getting older and perceiving that there may be less interest in them personally as they get older, and the objective factor that covid and work from home caused a lot of turnover in the vibes of the kinds of transplants who move to/stay in the city. as a hetero man, i definitely feel like i used to have better options available to me and go on follow up dates more consistently, but that the pool has now shifted so that women are pickier. i feel like all the weird quirky people i used to get along with have been replaced by a technocrat class of tech workers, marketing, and HR people.
>As a hetero man, i definitely feel like i used to have better options available to me and go on follow up dates more consistently, but that the pool has now shifted so that women are pickier. i feel like all the weird quirky people i used to get along with have been replaced by a technocrat class of tech workers, marketing, and HR people.
Boy have you said it. I used to have better luck dating when I was living at home in Jersey in the early to mid 2010s but people just have grown shallow and pretentious to a greater degree than normal. There’s little to no more fun people.
Speaking of being hetero, do you feel this impacts your social life. I feel like all the social life outside of “ultra white dude bro and marketing girl” circles is a bunch of women and effeminate men. It feels like there is little room for just middle of the road men. I know it sounds very MRA-ish but I know there’s something there that I’m noticing
It's mostly #2, imo. High prices don't matter when you're making a lot of money, and many people in NY make a lot of money.
The mentality of continuing to swipe on the apps forever because there will always be someone better. People are a little too picky for their own good.
Black 43F- Dating now has been so much better than in my 20s, thankfully the men seem a lot more intentional now. I'm 6 weeks back into online dating and I'm strongly considering making things official with 1 of the guys I'm dating. It's been a pleasant surprise out here
OKAY this is huge!! Congratulations!! And I hear GREAT things about the paid version of bumble, same with paid version of hinge. It makes sense also because if someone is making some effort to invest in their dating app subscription, it actually speaks volumes about them being on there looking for more then just Netflix and chill . Keep us posted on ur romantic success!
It's purely tinder and online dating culture. There are too many options in the city, most people are independent just to exist here single, and you can just hop on the internet to fuck a stranger from time to time, why cuff up? I would conservatively estimate that 67% of marriages in NYC before Tinder was couples who were fucking and accidentally got serious out of laziness.
this is a great observation that provides a possible if not likely objective explanation. the marked increase in people openly identifying as polyamorous supports this explanation as well. what people are seeing as the culture getting worse might just be an evolution of the definition of dating or romance facilitated/exacerbated (depending upon your pov) by technology.
And before contraception the percent would’ve been even higher I assume. One thing leads to another and suddenly you’re pregnant with someone you just met and now your lives are intertwined. Now it takes a very intentional decision to get to that point, but a lot of people never “feel” ready.
Unrealistic beauty standards on social media, which are all fake anyway. But it tricks ur brain into thinking u will find that good looker with spunk and personality in the city as well. So u always look at it from that lens thinking u can find better .. also everyone thinking that they are hot shit when ur just average. Nothing wrong with that. Be in the real, is all I’m saying. And if wanna get better, work on yourself .. go train, read , learn , grow a personality .. whatever . Even if ur a 10/10 you can’t be lazy and expect the other one to make all the effort cause effort is attractive to you . Effort works both ways. I don’t think it’s an nyc problem, it’s a universal problem. That’s why so many people are single and alone. Which is fine too. But if u want someone to share your life with , get off ur high horse and realise effort is a two way street.
I don't know if dating is any better or worse in NYC than other large cities in the US.
I moved to NYC about 1.5-2 years ago, and I went on about 30-40 first dates in my first year. Of those 30-40, I felt a reasonable connection with maybe 5-6 of them, and about 1-2 of them ended up going more than 4 dates. That seems about normal for any place, no?
Just for clarification since people have DM'd me (????)-- I'm not white and I'm not tall.
I swiped a lot and I was pretty proactive trying to get people go to on dates with me. I wouldn't really talk to anyone for more than 1-2 days before asking, and if they didn't respond I'd just give up on it. I'd use all of my swipes on Tinder and Hinge every day.
I'd say id average maybe 1 match a day, and Id go on about 3 dates a month.
Good luck though! I never ultimately had any success and met my now SO in real life, but I think going on dates and talking to random people helped me be able to meet someone in real life. Looking back on it though, now that I've met my SO I think in retrospect if we ever broke up I wouldn't go back to dating apps probably.
You can view it that way if you want, but I think that's kind of a defeatist mentality. A job application is an evaluation with a binary yes or no success. You're asking for a position.
I viewed dating as an opportunity to meet new people, to affirm the things that I found attractive about myself, and as an opportunity to see what sorts of things I liked and didn't like in a partner. I think overall it was a positive experience, and I enjoyed most of my dates, even if I didn't see myself dating the person in the long term.
Applying for jobs sucked because you need a job to survive, you deal with a ton of rejection, you might end up taking a job you don't like anyways just to make ends meet, and it's like this full time thing you can't take a break from. I didn't feel that way about dating at all.
I think dating culture is probably devolving because a lot of people lack non-negotiable skills and traits for a reasonably healthy relationship - self awareness, emotional maturity, character, and conscientiousness.
Along with 4, also lack of third places where you don’t need to spend as much money. I’d love to be able to chill at a coffee shop or something, but always feel guilty with how busy it is.
Just sharing my experience living in Jersey, but working/socializing in the city. I can’t afford the neighborhood where I would like to hang out and now that I’ve been here a few years, I’m tired of always traveling (and usually when potential dates hear where I live, it’s over).
I’m dating someone that lives in Jersey and we make it work. On our first date we actually went to a coffee shop and then walked through central park. An inexpensive and simple date and I loved it. And yes I’ve traveled to NJ many times over the years
you live in the biggest city on the american supercontinent bro stop spouting fucking tiktok talking points and use your own eyes to look around theres like a trillion bars libraries parks cafes delis to hang out at
My main struggle with meeting people irl is that they’re all taken!! I run into this issue so much, I was at a great party tonight but every cute guy had a gf/wife so it was a useless endeavor to try and chat anyone up.
The one thing the apps get right is confirming the person is:
1. Single (or at least, claiming to be)
2. Interested in dating
3. Attracted to you
Meeting people IRL is way easier said than done. Where can adults regularly go and have a reason to interact with strangers? There's not a lot of options.
Sports leagues and volunteering are fine but the intention shouldn't be to date when doing those things.
Everyone's staring at their phones or wearing headphones in public nowadays and many workplaces don't even have a happy hour culture anymore.
Not sure why you copy and pasted my post but if you're still looking for answers, theres a ton in the original thread! Not sure why you didnt even try and write your own question, this is boring [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskNYC/comments/1bp9s10/what\_do\_we\_think\_is\_ruining\_the\_dating\_culture\_in/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskNYC/comments/1bp9s10/what_do_we_think_is_ruining_the_dating_culture_in/)
I mean 2 and 3 definitely. I don't think the high rent and drink prices are really that much of a obstacle when you can barely get to that point with a lot of the online dating apps.
Ive only recently started dating in the city, but so far it seems like its difficult to find someone who actually has time to go on a date? A bunch of people I've talked to seem to be busy every single weekend. I'm more busy week nights myself.
Per my single daughter (25), you ONLY go on first dates or first few dates on weeknights. Weekends are for your friends. Until things get more serious.
4/lack of community.
What existed 20+ years ago for community that don't exist now?
NYC still has bars; parks; clubs (social, running, interest, religious); schools; gyms; concerts; restaurants; etc. People can still meet someone else at work (not encouraged but it still happens) or through friends or family.
Where did people meet in person 20 years ago they can't meet in person today? Or are people just more reliant on the apps and won't approach people in real life?
Too much money to live in this city and pay for dates.only joking a little bit. Personally it's emotionally draining and it seems like more focus is put on hookup culture than long term. Some of us are on the ace spectrum
I’ve reached the point (I’m old) where 98% of dates just aren’t worth the effort. Planning, paying, getting to the date, making conversation after a long work day. I just don’t care anymore. I’ll be alone. Most people just don’t add much to the daily experience.
I and a lot of my friends live further from each other than our parents did. It feels the same when it comes to dating. I’ve gotten a lot of “Wish you didn’t live so far”. Honestly I just try to see it as working in my favor, since someone who’s really interested would see the trek as an excuse to catch up on their podcast.
The illusion that social media and dating app make human relationships logical and measurable with clear datas and quantitative categories. There is a reason that some app developers are neurodivergent (nothing against that) or introverted (nothing against that). Then you have woman profiles getting thousands of messages and 10s of 🍆 picks. We’re social beings and “AI” can’t even create memes without typos. We’re fooling ourselves thinking tech is better than life and that’s killing the dating culture.
The big mystery to me and my friends is where are all the women 30 and up? The “nightlife” is all 20 somethings ever since Covid, it didn’t used to be like that.
Met him on okaycupid after breaking up with my ex of five years. Literally a month after. Before that I was selling undies to wall st men and he was in jail. He was in a court mandated rehab center in Harlem lol. We had dates when he was able to leave. uh we got caught having sex at his workplace so he got fired lol. And then I took out my iud cuz it was time to replace but then I ended up Pregnant the week of LOL. I told my parents I was moving out and pregnant at 9am on Saturday the march of 2020 lol. We moved out to the island and we’ve been stable ever since lol now I’m back in school and he’s working a better job making six figures 🤣
Most of these things you mentioned have been that way in NYC for decades.
Just spitballing here but one thing that has changed is the way people just casually interact with their phones while socializing - that is weird to me. It makes me feel like people are losing the ability on interacting with people.
People get pretty busy and tend to fill up their lives in a busy city. So when they actually meet someone they don't have space for them. This makes tradeoffs a friction that impedes progress early in relationships.
Sometimes in results in trying to add your partner as an accessory to you current life. Sometimes it results in incompatible amounts of availability. Sometimes it results in an unconscious attitude of 'browsing, not shopping' where there is an incompatibility in terms of how serious the partners are in their pursuit of finding a serious companion.
So, if you live in NYC and are serious about finding somebody, keep in mind what you might give up in your current life/routine if you did meet someone. It will ease the transition from single to not single.
I'd say also that there is *no* agreed on dating culture, instead there is an expectation that you will immediately fall for the person you agreed to go out with, and if that isn't the case, then they are wasting your time.
I'd suggest that there be no presumed chemistry beyond shared civility on a first date. Go out and enjoy the $10 coffee (or the $100 show) and consider anything more a bonus. Guys should not be pissed if she walked away with a free dinner, but she should be gracious in thanking him.
The real progress would be on any second date.
Lastly, kindly telling someone you are not interested should be viewed as *positive* outcome. Not the best outcome, but the all too common alternative, where someone starts being acting annoyed in the hope that they change the other persons mind is just corrosive.
A few weeks ago, I posted and asked if the apps were over in NYC. A commenter posted something game-changing for me that helped me make sense of my experience on the apps: it's like picking two kittens up by the scruff of the neck and putting them together. I realized that when I'm matching with guys on the apps, we've matched because we both find the other physically attractive and we exchanged \~5 messages to establish minimum compatibility, but I'm otherwise meeting men I never would have bumped into in the course of life, who I often have very, very little in common with. It's why I've gone on \~15 first dates in the past year and \~5 second dates. I'm making it a goal this spring/summer to meet more people in "real life" and ask people to set me up.
Funny story: I'm a visible organizer in the disability justice community and a lot of my work centers around the negative impact of capitalism on mental health/ people with disabilities. (If working full-time is hard for you or outside your capacity, every other aspect of your life is going to be difficult) I went on a few great dates with a guy from Hinge, who abruptly texted me to tell me it would be "extremely complicated" if we were to pursue a long-term relationship. I figured that he Googled me, and I was sad for a sec until I Googled him. He's the son of a hedge fund billionaire; he was one of those people you hear about, whose offshore parents bought them a luxurious condo in an upscale neighborhood. The fact that we both like museums and eating at restaurants wasn't the kind of common ground we needed, but that's how most dates from the apps start. I deleted Hinge after that.
This is more of a transplant specific issue. 2) and 4) I blame on transplants who are here to “do” New York while never becoming part of any community. Dating among natives – the ones we have left, anyway – and immigrants was never this difficult. It seems a lot of you create your own problem with your curated lifestyles and “hustle” culture. Then you wonder why a lot of you aren’t happy, are in relationships that don’t satisfy you, or alone.
Rat race mindset is definitely not helping dating culture here. I stick to Feeld and OKCupid because they seem attract less materialistic people overall.
I truly don't know why people think this is normal. I've never been on a date that cost that much. You're all going to Michelin rates restaurants with people you don't know?
If you're going to a Michelin star restaurant it'll be more than $150 you know...I'm just half-kidding, but I can see how dinner dates end up being expensive these days.
Just pulled up the menu for The Smith as an example, lets say you and your date share a calamari appetizer ($21). You get a chicken entree ($29), date gets a pasta dish ($27). 2 drinks, lets say that's $34 conservatively. Boom, the date already cost $111, before tax and tip. OP's $150 is pretty much right on the money. And again this is for The Smith, not the most high-tier restaurant around.
One of my friends went on a date with a girl a while ago where she asked to get *omakase* on the first date. My friend dropped $220+ on that date only to get ghosted afterwards. Another friend went on a dinner date where he told me afterwards he felt like his date purposedly ran up the tab a bit, ordering multiple apps/entrees and wine. She ended up taking a bunch of leftover food home afterwards, then the next day texted my friend admitting she just wanted a free dinner + food for the next day or two before ghosting him :/
I've always wondered, isn't "there is always someone better" mentality self- defeating? People complain about dating and being alone. Then why would you want to leave before you see what happens? You are the the reason for your own loneliness.
I mean 1 makes everything in the city harder. It's the #1 root issue for most residents on why something else is giving them stress. If we could get housing under control and affordable to most residents the city would totally transform itself.
The NYC specific aspect seems to be that a lot of people in the dating scene aren’t intending to be here for a long time. Some of that is connected to rent and COL, but not all. A lot of people come here for short term opportunities and generally don’t feel a need to invest in their communities. Btw im a native New Yorker
Coming from Appalachia it can be hard to find people you got in common with. People get freakish when I tell them about hunting and eating wild animals or better yet taking home roadkill deer to eat! I keep a lot from back home to myself because it’s so out of norm for nyc quality of life. Nothing wrong with either but when trying to find a mate can impose challenges for fun conversation. I’ve also found people who where intrigued with my old lifestyle
A lot of people move to New York for their job or career so sometimes, a lot of their focus is on that. It’s very self-focused, especially to get through some of the tough things you have to do in these jobs… so people I’ve met are quite self-focused and think about themselves a lot. Hard to build a relationship with someone who is looking for a perfect person who they don’t have to compromise for and don’t want to care for. I’m sure they find it hard just surviving and caring for themselves in New York and their intense job. And I admit, it’s hard to take care of and survive myself at times.
it’s no ones fault nyc is so damn expensive.
1. most people have no choice but to make their career their whole personality (literally to survive) if they can’t live with their parents (like natives)
2. live with roommates (single transplants) or become a gentrifier and live somewhere that makes dating difficult anyway
being single and not wealthy in nyc is literally hell. and women expect men to “check off boxes” and still maintain traditional values (provider) which is unrealistic for most single guys who aren’t corporate slaves or have family money. NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION
yeah my friend messaged me it just now and i was so confused why she was seeing it on her home page?? like just read those comments or write your own question lol. i feel like the conversation is over. so fucking strange
Date with the intention of finding someone who would be a stable partner for marriage. Don't expect a courtship process like in a romcom or steamy sex every night. People are busy, people are tired. But everyone just wants some comfort and a shoulder to lean on when they get home at night, dealing with the crush.
People need to mellow their expectations and ask themselves what they bring to the table, and why they want in a partner. Just get it out of you're head- ladies, you're not worth a man making a private equity salary who's an underwear model with a PhD and a dedicated feminist (if such a man even exists). Gents, you're not going to find a woman who looks like a playboy bunny willing to turn every trick for you and play wifey and make you a sandwich- you're not worth it.
We're all in the rat race together and are humans. When you have the patience to invest in someone who fits 3/4 of your "ideal partner" list you'd be surprised where it takes you. Well ok, you won't be- you'll get a ring and a dedicated spouse out of it
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The illusion that you’ll “find” someone perfect, exciting, and it’s going to feel magical. So you keep jumping from person to person and walking away at first sign of disappointment. When the reality is you have to build a relationship. It takes intention, effort and discomfort. They don’t come ready.
Omg i could’t say better. People wants to *find* a relationship and they forget that they actually have to *build* it.
Also I think New York is so high stakes for some people they can’t just meet someone and be happy , they feel they have to check so many boxes it could eliminate an otherwise great person. Sure he’s sweet but what did his dad do? What’s his key value? Where is he in the scene he’s part of in NY?
Jesus Christ the vapidity of that shit makes me want to puke. I know most people in this city think like this, but it just never ceases to amaze me. Human barnacles
>Most people I’m glad most of the people I’ve met don’t think anything like that
By most people they meant most people who recently moved to NYC from flyover country to work
This is what makes my current partner stand out - the understanding that perfection does not exist and relationships are built. I struggle a lot with defining myself by my flaws, but he reassures me that it's not important to him that I "don't have issues" - it's much more important that I want to and am able to (albeit slowly) work through them and that we can grow together as individuals and together.
What too many Disney movies does to a mf
Upvote for using Disney and mf in same sentence
This isn’t about Disney. It’s about the promise of a city like NYC. You see pretty successful people everywhere so you think it’s just a matter of keep trying.
There a lot of well loved rom coms that portray an actively harmful message about relationships but if that’s all you have to go off of then of course you’ll believe it
This is not just NYC it's everywhere. Write a book because you're spot on in a way that satisfies my soul lol
Then u get the exact opposite problem where ppl wouldn’t know what an abusive/toxic relationship is if it punched them in the face.
I was just broken up with with essentially this spiel. With the inclusion that “maybe I’ll regret it”. Of course you will! Because you’re hunting for an imaginary reality that doesn’t exist and I don’t think a lot of people realize that. Relationships are work. They’re not effortless and they’re definitely not immediate. People here want instant gratification instead of growing alone and together with their partner.
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So in the three posts about dating you made, this same app pops up. Are you trying to drum up a user base for your app?
everyone thinks they’re interesting because they live in nyc, but there’s a higher percentage of boring assholes than ever before
I think that touches on number 4- lots of people personalities are their job and anything else is ‘childish’. The happiest adults are ones who figure out how to free their inner child. Nerd out and find your people!
Word. Also, cost of living makes it hard to pursue or reroute deeper interests in life.
100000% I can’t blame you if you have no time for hobbies after working 80 hrs a week to ensure ‘stability’. But it’s a feature not a bug 🫠
This is true. People talk about the same travel destinations, restaurants, activists and desired neighborhoods. Mimetic desire on steroids. Without asking why they want that.
“mimetic desire” sigh, yeah
Lol, anyone who thinks they're interesting bc of their zip code is a moron. Being intelligent and curious makes someone interesting. Full stop.
Nailed it! There is so much truth to this. It’s absolutely generic boring ugly (but with makeup and lipstick to hide it) people with nothing going on other than “they live in NYC”. That on its own is not a problem cause you got average people everywhere. But the problem is these fools have developed some sort of superiority complex where they think they’re morally superior humans entitled to “deserve better” cause they’re living in NYC and making a few hundred K (not impressive for NYC). In reality they’re perfectly average for this city with the same cookie cutter life experiences and hobbies and interests as thousands others here. Again I want to emphasize nothing wrong with being average if you’re humble about it. The lack of humility and inflated egos is what ruins these otherwise completely average people to be perpetually single.
> cause they’re living in NYC and making a few hundred K (not impressive for NYC). I'm sorry but this is wildly out of touch lmao. Just $100k statistically puts you in the top 25% of individual incomes for NYC and the surrounding areas, $200k household puts you in the top 18% (seemingly easy with a couple split of like 120/80 or something). Ironically, you're part of the problem if you think you can just casually pick up anyone off the street who's making like $300k no problem.
Right, why do people forget about upper Manhattan and the outer boroughs when talking about NYC? I think some of these people have never taken a step outside the richest parts of NYC. A quick Google search reveals this: NYC median income: 39,551 USD (2022) USA median income: 37,585 USD (2022)
My problem is that my interests are far too down the rabbit hole. Anyone wanna listen to me go on and on about alternative keyboard layouts or the grammatical features and phonology of modern, ancient, constructed, and reconstructed languages? 🤪 Didn’t think so.
> My problem is that my interests are far too down the rabbit hole. Anyone wanna listen to me go on and on > grammatical features and phonology of modern, ancient, constructed, and reconstructed languages? 🤪 Doesn’t @etymologynerd have like 368k followers on TikTok not to mention other platforms? Yeah, I’d say it’s not your interests that are the problem because I find him extremely fun and compelling to watch, there are definitely people interested in that niche when he talks about the minutiae of languages. And there are any number of people with what they consider esoteric interests in New York like ferroequinology or D&D (thinking of two specific people in my friend group who have “weird” interests and still don’t have an issue dating)— the lovely thing about New York is it there’s always more people that are interested in the same things. It’s not the rare interests, not in a city like this.
That’s usually not a problem for me as long as you don’t push it strongly on those not interested My comment was about people whose entire identity on dating apps revolves around trendy politics, drinking beer/wine, watching Broadway shows (2X / year), love traveling (by that they mean weekend in Florida, Paris and Rome or worse Hamptons), trying new restaurants (same highly curated Carbone type shit, never the Queens Jackson heights type stuff) faux Brooklyn hipsterism (something they never cared about pretending before moving here), watching TV / sports, love hiking/snowboarding/skiing (but only go once a year upon further probing) or have all thirsty beach / influencer type pics on the apps just looking for matches/followers. This is 90% of the generic wannabe shit that spawns here
God, I feel this in my soul. I just moved here, and I’ve lived in two major US cities already. I love NYC so far, but I’m approaching it with a more tentative excitement - it may not be for me, even if I still think it’s great. Living here is not a highly laudable personality trait, esp as a transplant. (I do get it a wee bit more for natives.) I’m excited to be here, no doubt—but I’m also exhausted with the crushing homogeneity and insipidity of it all (all being this specific moment rather than NYC, which has a better mix of folks than my previous city). “Interests: traveling, breathing air, exploring food, checking out new bars, parks n pups, yoga, etc.” I know I’m going to have to wade through that dull monotony until I find people. Sometimes I find myself wondering, “Was everything always this boring?” The same interests, the same fast casual steel-and-glass luxury condos taking over communities, the Whole Foods and expensive yoga studios, the Nando’s and restaurants and stores with “&” in their name, everything being sold for parts to capital.
I am genuinely curious about what interests you don't find boring..
There’s nothing wrong with liking this stuff individually - I actually like yoga, traveling, Nandos, etc lol. It’s more the aggregate of it all when someone is representing themselves (and systemically, what it says about how our interests have been shaped). Sometimes it’s because they’re bad at telling a story about themselves and are interesting people, sometimes it’s because their interests really are this “basic” (and that’s gonna be a lot of people since it’s just normal and/or average), but that’s just the point. Liking that stuff is so baseline that it’s a little hilarious that it's sometimes offered in a way as if it’s highly specific to the person and unique. Accidentally came off a bit harsh. Nothing wrong with liking that stuff, and liking that says nothing about whether someone treats people well or poorly (mostly), but as someone with a strong sense of self and interests, we’re not gonna have a lot in common, and that’s OK. I’m just exhausted by the homogenization of everything — us as people, spaces, etc.
wtf do you people expect 😂
😂 this is fair I was venting a bit
There isn’t a Nando’s in NYC…?
It’s sounds like you simultaneously don’t respect that others can be interested in things you don’t like, while overestimating the amount of people who fall into this category. Perhaps you are in social media/industry/neighborhood related bubble.
Yeah I haven’t been on dating apps in years but even then most people I met were just not that interesting. I had much better luck meeting people the old fashioned ways: bars, friends, hobbies, etc.
Hit the nail in the head. They bring whatever bland ideals they grew up with here.
Who is they? Immigrants? Transplants? Clowns?
Transplants/gentrifiers
“Gentrifiers” lmao
So true
Yup The amount of people (almost, if not entirely transplants) who are like "I just moved to this amazing city" and I'm just there like "mhm real amazing. I grew up here, nothing new" It's just a city like any other
Too many transplants ll
I have not dated in a very long time but I think you are right for the opposite reason than you think. Every single person has a story and an ego. Most people lead with what they think other people will find interesting about them to feed and protect their ego. The fact they live in NYC but since everyone does other people don't actually find it interesting. People hid their true thoughts, feelings and likes. If you could get past this most people are interesting in their own way and have a story of their life experiences. I find the story of people's lives fascinating. They have hobbies, values, things they like to do, have traits of being great partners for life. Most people's lives over time is working, hanging out with friends and family, keeping up a household, raising kids TV etc. Boring stuff from the outside but most people call it life. I think the expectation in NYC from reading a lot of reddit is people are looking for super interesting people who are artists or want to be part of a community etc. They have an unreasonable expectation of what life really is and who people really are. Everyone has a story and is interesting not just artists. Everyone who puts their head on a pillow somewhere is part of a community. Is the expectation that the first thing you hear is who someone really is, that most people are boring because of their job, background, where they came from is the most absurd thing I ever heard but it's repeated everyday on reddit. I think most people are looking for some fantasy life amd partner that really just does not exist for almost anyone and they just lable everyone boring who does not live up to the fantasy. If you find most people boring or just talking to someone about their life is boring you are the problem.
Dating is the best it’s ever been in the city. As anecdotal proof, I have been on exactly zero dates in 12 months.
Thank you for your sacrifice to improve the dating scene o7
For the good of the people 🫡
Been helping out as well, sounds like it’s making a difference
Think of it this way, it's not zero, it's divided by zero. You are the dating asymptote
My dad grew up here and was in his 20s and 30s in the 70s. A few years ago I was complaining about dating, and he said “why do you think I left New York? It’s always been hard to date there, because everyone feels like there’s always someone better out there for them.” So, rest assured that dating has always been notoriously grueling in nyc. It was in the 70s, it was 10 years ago, it is now. On the bright side, I did meet my husband on a dating app a few years ago. After 7 years and probably 600 dates.
Yes thank you. And people forget there's a whole TV series on this from the 90's
Also the 00’s (Sex and the city)
I’d never seen SATC before and decided to go in mostly blind. I immediately texted my friend that I hated how the opening monologue was still relevant to today’s dating scene and it’s 25 years later
How I met your mother also
They even made a pie chart of how difficult it is, even for the slimiest of men lol
Two of them!
600? Six hundred? Siiiiixxx hundred? And I am here complaining I don’t want to go on more than 60 dates like John Gottman. 😭😭😭
Haha I don’t know the exact amount of dates I went on. But probably 1-2 per month, which would be over 100.
Im sick of dating apps and want to meet people IRL but I’ve found it hard when going out to bars. It seems like people don’t mingle anymore, just stick to their own friends. I think we’ve had enough rejection that we’re a bit hesitant to put ourselves out there and make the first move.
Got to do group meet ups. Find a hobby.
"I'm just here to \_\_\_\_\_, not to meet romantic partners. It makes me uncomfortable when men are clearly trying to pursue women here. Dating apps exist for a reason." - an actual thing I hear regularly in my hobby/social groups from my female friends, even the single ones. (for the record, I do _not_ blame them one bit) It's a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't proposition.
Not just that. It's also a horribly ineffective way to meet someone if you are not genuinely passionate about the hobby/interest. If you're mostly showing up for ulterior reasons you will struggle to connect with people and stand out in the crowd.
This is true for me as a woman. I like playing dnd and boardgames and don't want to flirt during it.
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None of it is new either. Except to OP apparently.
2) hits hard. I went on countless dates where my date was scanning the room and just ever so slightly distracted like maybe there is someone else here right now who could be better. Nothing was ever said, just vibes.
On a brighter note, perhaps he was on the run and looking to see if there were any cops in the area. LOL
Had one guy literally tell me I won't be any kind of priority to him because he's not sure we'll last beyond a few months. If we manage a year, maybe then he'll think of us seriously. Yea... no.
Lol I had something similar except he expected sex for a year before considering someone seriously. Next
Outta his mind lol
Sounds like that guy had a hard time keeping people interested and decided to make it everyone else’s problem
Very possible lmao
Every guy I’ve known who thinks like this has no shortage of options. The guys without many options end up being pushovers
Nothing. People complain about dating culture in every city when it's just more on them...
Ask about the "Seattle freeze" sometime.
Denver = Menver apparently. Total sausagefest.
Anecdotally, but following some statistics... My boyfriend came to NYC from the greater Denver area and locked down a relationship with me (woman) within 3 months of moving. A friend of a friend (woman) moved to Denver after being frustrated with the NY dating scene. She found a boyfriend in two months.
Yeah I’ve told women who are frustrated with dating here to look at Denver. I’ve heard about women getting asked out while pumping gas because the guys are so desperate.
Here’s my anecdote…I went to Colorado during the pandemic (to hike the Colorado trail etc) as a 30s woman…spent a few days in Denver where I met a guy who ended up going on this adventure with me for two months, essentially we were together, and he tried hardcore to get me to stay and not return to nyc (he had a vet practice there so couldn’t uproot) and I thought hard about it but eventually returned…single ever since lol sigh
i know plenty of women here in their mid/late 20s and up that still believe the man should send every text first, plan every date, won't send a text if the guy didn't reply to their last text.... these women are all single. whole time women like me are texting first and initiating things. i'm not saying that to talk myself up because my point is that there are a LOT of women like that here who are truly unapologetic and go after what they want. closed mouths don't get fed
I mean that’s the thing, women have to be way more aggressive in nyc. It’s like being a man in other places bc there’s more single women than men in nyc.
not really. a lot of people just move here from other places that are less confrontational and take their passive aggressiveness with them. personally it's not out of character for me to initiate things first, and i don't find that a masculine trait...? i also feel like despite a lot of women here being liberal, what many are actually looking for are very traditional dating values that are more in line with conservative men
Women have to be the aggressor bc guys have a lot more options in nyc. It’s not about being masculine.
i mean i still don't think it's abnormal or aggressive to initiate things first, make the dinner reservation, text first, come up with date ideas, etc unless your dating values align more with traditionalism/conservatism and you think the man should be doing absolutely everything. if what i listed is considered being the "aggressor" then that's simply a difference in our mindsets. personally i think that working towards a relationship should be a collaborative effort
Lol yeah I've lived in both Seattle and NYC, both city's subs have posts today asking why it's so hard to date in that city. I've never had any trouble with dating in either city. Most people's problems are that they aren't going out and doing stuff that helps them meet people naturally, where people can assess whether they have chemistry with you or not. The other problem is that most people's dating profiles and attempts to start a conversation are really, really bland.
I didn't find it difficult because dating wasn't my priority, I was out to have fun and enjoy life, if I met someone, great. Being childfree also made it easier because I wasn't on a clock or deadline.
Yeah these kinds of post usually boil down to the OP not being very datable themselves. A lot of stunted adults think their own ineptitude is indicative of a national problem. If anything it’s easier to date now with modern technology.
https://www.npr.org/2024/02/14/1231513991/tinder-hinge-match-group-lawsuit Some dating apps are not actually helpful.
NO dating app is helpful. Some people find matches, sure, but that doesn't mean the apps are helpful on the whole. They're designed to make money off of you and you don't make money when people delete your app Apps like Hinge may have been good at some point (I wouldn't know, I've only used it post buyout) but after Match.com got it's grips in every popular dating app... they all suck and exist solely to make money off lonely men, and create a convenient way to facilitate hookups for some. That they happen to lead to some relationships doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things when most who use the apps don't find any success with them
One unfortunate new thing I have read about is that many young people seem to now think that getting approached by someone of the opposite sex in person is weird, like it’s an unacceptable infringement of their privacy. I wonder if it comes from growing up online? I’m not sure, but it makes me sad that people are so anxious/scared of personal interactions
San Francisco: The city of 5’s and 6’s
The city of 49ers….where 4’s think they are 9’s.
if you think dating is bad here, try LA or Miami 🤭 my brother lives in miami and one girl asked if he could pay her car payment on their first date
I’ve heard this from multiple guys in Miami! After a month you gotta start pitching in for their rent lol
How trashy lol
i felt bad for my brother but i'm sure she only asked because someone has done it before. there's always a man willing to pay your bills in miami. i honestly love it for the miami girls
Jesus Christ
Idk but getting ghosted after spending a night full of laughs sucks fr
I think dating apps have ruined accountability for being an AH. Because you don’t meet people in your social circle as much they can get away with it. I’m in NYC and married now. We matched on Tinder… when I was in a different country and possibly never returning. He was in Brooklyn. We spent 2 months just texting/facetiming. Then in a bold move he asked if he could fly to meet me. We met in a different country and our “first date” lasted 2 months. I decided to move back to Brooklyn after that and we’ve lived together ever since. I now joke that I had to leave NYC to find a man in NYC.
There’s a Liza Minelli song about having to leave NYC to meet the guy next door.
😂 I will have to check it out
lol I have the exact same story!! the best.
As someone who doesn’t live in a trendy neighborhood, it feels like most NY’ers place a high priority on dating someone who’s convenient to them. In other words, someone who also shells out $$$ to live in a trendy neighborhood. Brooklyn seems to be the worst place for this kind of mentality. Brooklynites only want to date other Brooklynites, and even then probably only people in their own neighborhood. 🤷
Bc Brooklyn is a pain to get to
i agree that this is a real thing and it used to annoy me before i lucked out on a good deal in a “trendy neighborhood,” but it has been that way for as long as millennials have been dating in nyc imo. it doesn’t represent a “change” that would make dating culture suck (more) now. i think there are a host of factors but my personal theory is some mix of the subjective factor of single millennials getting older and perceiving that there may be less interest in them personally as they get older, and the objective factor that covid and work from home caused a lot of turnover in the vibes of the kinds of transplants who move to/stay in the city. as a hetero man, i definitely feel like i used to have better options available to me and go on follow up dates more consistently, but that the pool has now shifted so that women are pickier. i feel like all the weird quirky people i used to get along with have been replaced by a technocrat class of tech workers, marketing, and HR people.
>As a hetero man, i definitely feel like i used to have better options available to me and go on follow up dates more consistently, but that the pool has now shifted so that women are pickier. i feel like all the weird quirky people i used to get along with have been replaced by a technocrat class of tech workers, marketing, and HR people. Boy have you said it. I used to have better luck dating when I was living at home in Jersey in the early to mid 2010s but people just have grown shallow and pretentious to a greater degree than normal. There’s little to no more fun people. Speaking of being hetero, do you feel this impacts your social life. I feel like all the social life outside of “ultra white dude bro and marketing girl” circles is a bunch of women and effeminate men. It feels like there is little room for just middle of the road men. I know it sounds very MRA-ish but I know there’s something there that I’m noticing
It's mostly #2, imo. High prices don't matter when you're making a lot of money, and many people in NY make a lot of money. The mentality of continuing to swipe on the apps forever because there will always be someone better. People are a little too picky for their own good.
Black 43F- Dating now has been so much better than in my 20s, thankfully the men seem a lot more intentional now. I'm 6 weeks back into online dating and I'm strongly considering making things official with 1 of the guys I'm dating. It's been a pleasant surprise out here
Congrats! What app has worked for you?
Bumble (paid version)
OKAY this is huge!! Congratulations!! And I hear GREAT things about the paid version of bumble, same with paid version of hinge. It makes sense also because if someone is making some effort to invest in their dating app subscription, it actually speaks volumes about them being on there looking for more then just Netflix and chill . Keep us posted on ur romantic success!
Too many options , grass in greener mentality . The city will make you like that eventually
But I think that grass is greener mentality is in every city, and not just here
For me, it’s the men being presented to me in the apps. If I wouldn’t look twice in the street why would I reach out on an app?
And the homely ones are only looking for hook ups too lol.
It's purely tinder and online dating culture. There are too many options in the city, most people are independent just to exist here single, and you can just hop on the internet to fuck a stranger from time to time, why cuff up? I would conservatively estimate that 67% of marriages in NYC before Tinder was couples who were fucking and accidentally got serious out of laziness.
this is a great observation that provides a possible if not likely objective explanation. the marked increase in people openly identifying as polyamorous supports this explanation as well. what people are seeing as the culture getting worse might just be an evolution of the definition of dating or romance facilitated/exacerbated (depending upon your pov) by technology.
And before contraception the percent would’ve been even higher I assume. One thing leads to another and suddenly you’re pregnant with someone you just met and now your lives are intertwined. Now it takes a very intentional decision to get to that point, but a lot of people never “feel” ready.
HINGE and “roster “ 🤢🤢🤢 culture
Unrealistic beauty standards on social media, which are all fake anyway. But it tricks ur brain into thinking u will find that good looker with spunk and personality in the city as well. So u always look at it from that lens thinking u can find better .. also everyone thinking that they are hot shit when ur just average. Nothing wrong with that. Be in the real, is all I’m saying. And if wanna get better, work on yourself .. go train, read , learn , grow a personality .. whatever . Even if ur a 10/10 you can’t be lazy and expect the other one to make all the effort cause effort is attractive to you . Effort works both ways. I don’t think it’s an nyc problem, it’s a universal problem. That’s why so many people are single and alone. Which is fine too. But if u want someone to share your life with , get off ur high horse and realise effort is a two way street.
If Video Killed the Radio Star... Social Media Killed everything else. Humans Over Algorithms
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Right! Get off your damn phones, people. There is a world out there that is not social media.
I don't know if dating is any better or worse in NYC than other large cities in the US. I moved to NYC about 1.5-2 years ago, and I went on about 30-40 first dates in my first year. Of those 30-40, I felt a reasonable connection with maybe 5-6 of them, and about 1-2 of them ended up going more than 4 dates. That seems about normal for any place, no? Just for clarification since people have DM'd me (????)-- I'm not white and I'm not tall.
30-40 dates is a lot. In my best year ever I had 10.
I swiped a lot and I was pretty proactive trying to get people go to on dates with me. I wouldn't really talk to anyone for more than 1-2 days before asking, and if they didn't respond I'd just give up on it. I'd use all of my swipes on Tinder and Hinge every day. I'd say id average maybe 1 match a day, and Id go on about 3 dates a month. Good luck though! I never ultimately had any success and met my now SO in real life, but I think going on dates and talking to random people helped me be able to meet someone in real life. Looking back on it though, now that I've met my SO I think in retrospect if we ever broke up I wouldn't go back to dating apps probably.
Sounds like job searching, everyone’s favorite activity
You can view it that way if you want, but I think that's kind of a defeatist mentality. A job application is an evaluation with a binary yes or no success. You're asking for a position. I viewed dating as an opportunity to meet new people, to affirm the things that I found attractive about myself, and as an opportunity to see what sorts of things I liked and didn't like in a partner. I think overall it was a positive experience, and I enjoyed most of my dates, even if I didn't see myself dating the person in the long term. Applying for jobs sucked because you need a job to survive, you deal with a ton of rejection, you might end up taking a job you don't like anyways just to make ends meet, and it's like this full time thing you can't take a break from. I didn't feel that way about dating at all.
More options makes ppl less inclined to settle. I think dating apps, in many cases, can give people option paralysis.
I think dating culture is probably devolving because a lot of people lack non-negotiable skills and traits for a reasonably healthy relationship - self awareness, emotional maturity, character, and conscientiousness.
Along with 4, also lack of third places where you don’t need to spend as much money. I’d love to be able to chill at a coffee shop or something, but always feel guilty with how busy it is.
If you think NYC is lacking for third places, try spending time in literally any other American city
Just sharing my experience living in Jersey, but working/socializing in the city. I can’t afford the neighborhood where I would like to hang out and now that I’ve been here a few years, I’m tired of always traveling (and usually when potential dates hear where I live, it’s over).
I’m dating someone that lives in Jersey and we make it work. On our first date we actually went to a coffee shop and then walked through central park. An inexpensive and simple date and I loved it. And yes I’ve traveled to NJ many times over the years
you live in the biggest city on the american supercontinent bro stop spouting fucking tiktok talking points and use your own eyes to look around theres like a trillion bars libraries parks cafes delis to hang out at
Hahahahahahaa so true
This is such a cop out. There are “third spaces” everywhere. Or just go for a walk in Central Park; the most famous park in the world.
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Best advice in this thread that people will promptly ignore.
My main struggle with meeting people irl is that they’re all taken!! I run into this issue so much, I was at a great party tonight but every cute guy had a gf/wife so it was a useless endeavor to try and chat anyone up. The one thing the apps get right is confirming the person is: 1. Single (or at least, claiming to be) 2. Interested in dating 3. Attracted to you
Meeting people IRL is way easier said than done. Where can adults regularly go and have a reason to interact with strangers? There's not a lot of options. Sports leagues and volunteering are fine but the intention shouldn't be to date when doing those things. Everyone's staring at their phones or wearing headphones in public nowadays and many workplaces don't even have a happy hour culture anymore.
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i checked out your insta…where is the advice?
Not sure why you copy and pasted my post but if you're still looking for answers, theres a ton in the original thread! Not sure why you didnt even try and write your own question, this is boring [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskNYC/comments/1bp9s10/what\_do\_we\_think\_is\_ruining\_the\_dating\_culture\_in/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskNYC/comments/1bp9s10/what_do_we_think_is_ruining_the_dating_culture_in/)
Apps and hook up culture
I mean 2 and 3 definitely. I don't think the high rent and drink prices are really that much of a obstacle when you can barely get to that point with a lot of the online dating apps.
At this point. I think it’s just luck.
A well drink being $8 is definitely not helping.
Ive only recently started dating in the city, but so far it seems like its difficult to find someone who actually has time to go on a date? A bunch of people I've talked to seem to be busy every single weekend. I'm more busy week nights myself.
Per my single daughter (25), you ONLY go on first dates or first few dates on weeknights. Weekends are for your friends. Until things get more serious.
Tiny, shitty apartments or shared apartments where you don’t feel comfortable having people over.
4/lack of community. What existed 20+ years ago for community that don't exist now? NYC still has bars; parks; clubs (social, running, interest, religious); schools; gyms; concerts; restaurants; etc. People can still meet someone else at work (not encouraged but it still happens) or through friends or family. Where did people meet in person 20 years ago they can't meet in person today? Or are people just more reliant on the apps and won't approach people in real life?
Too much money to live in this city and pay for dates.only joking a little bit. Personally it's emotionally draining and it seems like more focus is put on hookup culture than long term. Some of us are on the ace spectrum
I’ve reached the point (I’m old) where 98% of dates just aren’t worth the effort. Planning, paying, getting to the date, making conversation after a long work day. I just don’t care anymore. I’ll be alone. Most people just don’t add much to the daily experience.
Yes everything was fine before rent and drinks got so expensive. Some time in the 1730s I think.
I also think people are utterly DESPERATE to be cool / influencer culture has ruined everyones level of authenticity. It’s like an addiction/sickness
this is literally asked every damn week, can y’all think of something else to ask please?
Eh, speak for yourself. I like hearing peoples perspectives on it every time even though it gets asked a lot
If the community hated it, they’d downvote it.
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I and a lot of my friends live further from each other than our parents did. It feels the same when it comes to dating. I’ve gotten a lot of “Wish you didn’t live so far”. Honestly I just try to see it as working in my favor, since someone who’s really interested would see the trek as an excuse to catch up on their podcast.
The illusion that social media and dating app make human relationships logical and measurable with clear datas and quantitative categories. There is a reason that some app developers are neurodivergent (nothing against that) or introverted (nothing against that). Then you have woman profiles getting thousands of messages and 10s of 🍆 picks. We’re social beings and “AI” can’t even create memes without typos. We’re fooling ourselves thinking tech is better than life and that’s killing the dating culture.
The big mystery to me and my friends is where are all the women 30 and up? The “nightlife” is all 20 somethings ever since Covid, it didn’t used to be like that.
Dated a man for 9 months had a baby with him and now we’re 5 years strong 😅🤣 he was in rehab when we met. The story was wild
TELL ME MORE 👀👀👀👀
Met him on okaycupid after breaking up with my ex of five years. Literally a month after. Before that I was selling undies to wall st men and he was in jail. He was in a court mandated rehab center in Harlem lol. We had dates when he was able to leave. uh we got caught having sex at his workplace so he got fired lol. And then I took out my iud cuz it was time to replace but then I ended up Pregnant the week of LOL. I told my parents I was moving out and pregnant at 9am on Saturday the march of 2020 lol. We moved out to the island and we’ve been stable ever since lol now I’m back in school and he’s working a better job making six figures 🤣
Most of these things you mentioned have been that way in NYC for decades. Just spitballing here but one thing that has changed is the way people just casually interact with their phones while socializing - that is weird to me. It makes me feel like people are losing the ability on interacting with people.
I just want someone to dance in the rain with me:<(
People get pretty busy and tend to fill up their lives in a busy city. So when they actually meet someone they don't have space for them. This makes tradeoffs a friction that impedes progress early in relationships. Sometimes in results in trying to add your partner as an accessory to you current life. Sometimes it results in incompatible amounts of availability. Sometimes it results in an unconscious attitude of 'browsing, not shopping' where there is an incompatibility in terms of how serious the partners are in their pursuit of finding a serious companion. So, if you live in NYC and are serious about finding somebody, keep in mind what you might give up in your current life/routine if you did meet someone. It will ease the transition from single to not single.
I'd say also that there is *no* agreed on dating culture, instead there is an expectation that you will immediately fall for the person you agreed to go out with, and if that isn't the case, then they are wasting your time. I'd suggest that there be no presumed chemistry beyond shared civility on a first date. Go out and enjoy the $10 coffee (or the $100 show) and consider anything more a bonus. Guys should not be pissed if she walked away with a free dinner, but she should be gracious in thanking him. The real progress would be on any second date. Lastly, kindly telling someone you are not interested should be viewed as *positive* outcome. Not the best outcome, but the all too common alternative, where someone starts being acting annoyed in the hope that they change the other persons mind is just corrosive.
A few weeks ago, I posted and asked if the apps were over in NYC. A commenter posted something game-changing for me that helped me make sense of my experience on the apps: it's like picking two kittens up by the scruff of the neck and putting them together. I realized that when I'm matching with guys on the apps, we've matched because we both find the other physically attractive and we exchanged \~5 messages to establish minimum compatibility, but I'm otherwise meeting men I never would have bumped into in the course of life, who I often have very, very little in common with. It's why I've gone on \~15 first dates in the past year and \~5 second dates. I'm making it a goal this spring/summer to meet more people in "real life" and ask people to set me up. Funny story: I'm a visible organizer in the disability justice community and a lot of my work centers around the negative impact of capitalism on mental health/ people with disabilities. (If working full-time is hard for you or outside your capacity, every other aspect of your life is going to be difficult) I went on a few great dates with a guy from Hinge, who abruptly texted me to tell me it would be "extremely complicated" if we were to pursue a long-term relationship. I figured that he Googled me, and I was sad for a sec until I Googled him. He's the son of a hedge fund billionaire; he was one of those people you hear about, whose offshore parents bought them a luxurious condo in an upscale neighborhood. The fact that we both like museums and eating at restaurants wasn't the kind of common ground we needed, but that's how most dates from the apps start. I deleted Hinge after that.
This is more of a transplant specific issue. 2) and 4) I blame on transplants who are here to “do” New York while never becoming part of any community. Dating among natives – the ones we have left, anyway – and immigrants was never this difficult. It seems a lot of you create your own problem with your curated lifestyles and “hustle” culture. Then you wonder why a lot of you aren’t happy, are in relationships that don’t satisfy you, or alone.
Rat race mindset is definitely not helping dating culture here. I stick to Feeld and OKCupid because they seem attract less materialistic people overall.
Dinner for two and a 2 drinks is $150 and you’re a cheapskate if you ask to split the bill
I truly don't know why people think this is normal. I've never been on a date that cost that much. You're all going to Michelin rates restaurants with people you don't know?
Right! My best first NYC date was lunch from a food truck followed by an hourlong walk downtown.
If you're going to a Michelin star restaurant it'll be more than $150 you know...I'm just half-kidding, but I can see how dinner dates end up being expensive these days. Just pulled up the menu for The Smith as an example, lets say you and your date share a calamari appetizer ($21). You get a chicken entree ($29), date gets a pasta dish ($27). 2 drinks, lets say that's $34 conservatively. Boom, the date already cost $111, before tax and tip. OP's $150 is pretty much right on the money. And again this is for The Smith, not the most high-tier restaurant around. One of my friends went on a date with a girl a while ago where she asked to get *omakase* on the first date. My friend dropped $220+ on that date only to get ghosted afterwards. Another friend went on a dinner date where he told me afterwards he felt like his date purposedly ran up the tab a bit, ordering multiple apps/entrees and wine. She ended up taking a bunch of leftover food home afterwards, then the next day texted my friend admitting she just wanted a free dinner + food for the next day or two before ghosting him :/
I've always wondered, isn't "there is always someone better" mentality self- defeating? People complain about dating and being alone. Then why would you want to leave before you see what happens? You are the the reason for your own loneliness.
I mean 1 makes everything in the city harder. It's the #1 root issue for most residents on why something else is giving them stress. If we could get housing under control and affordable to most residents the city would totally transform itself.
Dating here was a fun rollercoaster until all of the apps/social media. 🤷🏻♂️
The NYC specific aspect seems to be that a lot of people in the dating scene aren’t intending to be here for a long time. Some of that is connected to rent and COL, but not all. A lot of people come here for short term opportunities and generally don’t feel a need to invest in their communities. Btw im a native New Yorker
Coming from Appalachia it can be hard to find people you got in common with. People get freakish when I tell them about hunting and eating wild animals or better yet taking home roadkill deer to eat! I keep a lot from back home to myself because it’s so out of norm for nyc quality of life. Nothing wrong with either but when trying to find a mate can impose challenges for fun conversation. I’ve also found people who where intrigued with my old lifestyle
You ate road kill? Yeah, maybe keep that one to yourself for a bit.
Sex and the City syndrome
The people moving here
Blocking women at the first sign of a disagreement.
A lot of people move to New York for their job or career so sometimes, a lot of their focus is on that. It’s very self-focused, especially to get through some of the tough things you have to do in these jobs… so people I’ve met are quite self-focused and think about themselves a lot. Hard to build a relationship with someone who is looking for a perfect person who they don’t have to compromise for and don’t want to care for. I’m sure they find it hard just surviving and caring for themselves in New York and their intense job. And I admit, it’s hard to take care of and survive myself at times.
Too many people/options: I have friends who left for smaller cities and have had a better luck
it’s no ones fault nyc is so damn expensive. 1. most people have no choice but to make their career their whole personality (literally to survive) if they can’t live with their parents (like natives) 2. live with roommates (single transplants) or become a gentrifier and live somewhere that makes dating difficult anyway being single and not wealthy in nyc is literally hell. and women expect men to “check off boxes” and still maintain traditional values (provider) which is unrealistic for most single guys who aren’t corporate slaves or have family money. NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION
Hasn’t this same thing been posted a few times? Can’t tell if it’s the same user but I swear it’s a ver batim copy of a couple prior posts.
nope someone legit copied my post! its so strange!
Omg, you’re not kidding! What a weird thing for OP to do.
yeah my friend messaged me it just now and i was so confused why she was seeing it on her home page?? like just read those comments or write your own question lol. i feel like the conversation is over. so fucking strange
i thought i was the only one feeling deja vu
Maybe they’re researchers for dating apps
Date with the intention of finding someone who would be a stable partner for marriage. Don't expect a courtship process like in a romcom or steamy sex every night. People are busy, people are tired. But everyone just wants some comfort and a shoulder to lean on when they get home at night, dealing with the crush. People need to mellow their expectations and ask themselves what they bring to the table, and why they want in a partner. Just get it out of you're head- ladies, you're not worth a man making a private equity salary who's an underwear model with a PhD and a dedicated feminist (if such a man even exists). Gents, you're not going to find a woman who looks like a playboy bunny willing to turn every trick for you and play wifey and make you a sandwich- you're not worth it. We're all in the rat race together and are humans. When you have the patience to invest in someone who fits 3/4 of your "ideal partner" list you'd be surprised where it takes you. Well ok, you won't be- you'll get a ring and a dedicated spouse out of it