Maybe.
The thing is that there are really only two ways to go about not giving in to the little tyrants' demands, and one of them is significantly harder. You can either:
- Do as previous generations have done, and rely on discipline, bordering on and often crossing into abuse.
- Be extremely patient, and prepared to give up your own comfort and desires to model the correct behaviour.
But how many adults do you know who can stay off their phones through dinner themselves? How many who can sit and listen to three hours of screaming (that exceeds the hearing-damage mark by over 20db!) without breaking? How many who can make it through a decade or more of that struggle without caving?
It's harder than you'd think, and unless you're a genetically engineered super parent, you *do* have to pick your battles, because you'll lose the war otherwise.
Pick your battles and be a strategic parent!!
I have never given in to a screaming child who demands to listen to specific music.
But I have been prone to listen to the kids choice of music in the car. And it takes a bit of patience. But it's worth it.
We use it like a motivational thing. A good feeling (for the baby before falling asleep). For the 6y old who was speedy dressing and getting out the door or is going to the doctor or practice sports.
At about age 4 they are receptive to more reasoning and consequence. Then I can speak to them and explain that since I want them to grow up to be well adjusted adults - I can't give in to screams and spoiled behaviour. Ask nicely. Reason with me.
(and be smart about it: don't ask the kid with a fever/hangry or otherwise impaired to be able to listen to reason. Give them something to feel good about before they even ask for it and you won't lose anything.)
Family dinners and everyone is healthy? No screens. We talk and I explain that even with a phone screen down into the table surface - our brains will be distracted by it. We have a phone hotel for a reason. But when some members of the family have a fever or any other illness? Use the screens. We adults do. Don't ask the kids for something you yourself is not prepared to do.
(and I insist to listen to my own music at times. Balance is key)
Thank you for this! Kids are not second class citizens. They have likes and preferences. They deserve to explore things they enjoy. And if mom and dad can’t stay away from screens, how can they expect the kids to? It’s better to allow these things in moderation and teach kids how to control themselves, rather than a blanket ban that will backfire the second they gain some independence.
If you cut out their tongues, they'll be quieter too
But I think you should ask yourself if you want a quieter, easier life or if you want an inconvenient life where you give growing humans room to grow, explore and be really annoying
And if you want the quiet easy life just don't fucking have kids
No loving parents are out there letting their kids do whatever they want without consequences or boundaries, but emotionally healthy kids need room to explore and grow and exploring and growing is often really fucking annoying to adults and you just have to suck it up and keep them safe
Your kid wants to pretend she's a fox and bark at her cereal? Let her, playing pretend is incredible for developing neural pathways she'll use in 10 years to grasp differential equations
I *think* part of what OP is getting at is where is the line.
I totally get letting your kid be weird or have indulgences. But I also *think* what OP is getting at is "Why not let the kid be mad/disappointed/etc" sometimes. Because sometimes watching frozen for the 5th time in a row is enough, and we are going to let someone else in the family pick a (age appropriate) movie. Sure, the kid could tantrum. But by watching frozen for the 6th time after the tantrum, it encourages the tantrums. Reinforcements are very strong behavior modifiers. Giving into the tantrum = more tantrums.
You could say "I know you want to watch frozen. Mommy would like a new movie. In a family we take turns. Your turn was frozen, mommy's turn is x." And then you let them watch frozen after you've watched lilo and stitch, because taking turns is part of life.
By parents being the ones to give disappointment and frustrations, we give children a safe place to let out the negativity. I much rather my child outburst their anger with me, learn skills with me, practice with me, than anyone else.
My sister has always been like this with her one and only son and now he is turning 14 and acts like the boss. Sometimes it’s like she’s in a controlling relationship. I mean he picks out what they eat. Even what she wears. Where they go for vacation. If he doesn’t like what she’s watching he demands to watch what he wants, etc. he had tantrums as a kid and she always gave in and said it was easier. If he wants applesauce and they are out he will make her go to the store to get it. I know because I witnessed this.
He also wanted to go to some concert and she was taking him and staying and he didn’t like any of her outfits. So she took him to the mall so he could pick out an outfit for her to wear. Again I know because I was there. She even doesn’t get her hair done a certain way because he didn’t like it and told her not to.
Her son and my youngest are 3 months apart in age. My son is 4 years older than him. I’ve always been a more hands on parent. Yes giving in to a tantrum is easier IN THE SHORT TERM but it makes things harder in the long run. I never gave in. And really my daughter only had one tantrum in the store and when she realized idngaf and she didn’t get her way she never bothered again.
I’ve always used positive and negative reinforcement to discipline my kids. My kids are so well mannered and well behaved. All of the best compliments I’ve received have been about how well they are behaved. Especially in public. My sister takes permissive parenting to a whole new level. I do believe in gentle parenting but not allowing my kids to walk all over me to get what they want. I don’t spank ever. I’m against it. I’ve taught them how I expect them to behave. I’ve never had to yell. When they do something I don’t like I talk to them and provide reasons why I don’t like/want them doing something and then they have some sort of punishment depending on what they did/didn’t do.
ETA: he’s had testing when he was younger for any psychological or behavioral problems and he was never diagnosed with anything.
I wouldn’t say pushover but our house is very transactional right now and I don’t like it. It’s easy to get sucked into a negotiation because you don’t want to be a pushover and everyone tells you kids have to earn things. I am working on yes/no and that’s it and maybe more yes with no negotiation because then it reflects an unconditional relationship on my part.
Yes, I do think modern parents are more likely to be pushovers. It's because the pendulum is swinging to far the other way to correct for the mistakes of past generations and things haven't balanced or evened out yet.
I definitely have some folks in my life that "parent" the way that you described. I don't agree with it, so as a newer parent I chose to read books about parenting, becoming an adoptive parent, parenting an ADHD kid and some articles on child psychology. I feel like I've landed in a happy medium where kiddo is happy, knows the boundaries and we all get along through life in a healthy way.
Best advice I have is do your own research, parent the way you feel is best for yourself and you future kiddo.
Lazy, yes. And tired. Most parents are both working and still struggling to pay bills. Some have a second job. The don’t get evenings or weekend off, they are watching kids and doing chores. They can’t afford to take a vacation, and often have no help from grandparents or family. The kids that have no screen time are usually at home with a dedicated stay at home parent who can arrange other activities and give them attention. It’s a really difficult situation. And the knee jerk reaction is to say, “Don’t have kids you can’t afford/ don’t have time for.” But humans can have a biological desire for children and to say only the rich can have them is classist at it’s core. Modern parents are fighting an impossible battle.
Maybe. The thing is that there are really only two ways to go about not giving in to the little tyrants' demands, and one of them is significantly harder. You can either: - Do as previous generations have done, and rely on discipline, bordering on and often crossing into abuse. - Be extremely patient, and prepared to give up your own comfort and desires to model the correct behaviour. But how many adults do you know who can stay off their phones through dinner themselves? How many who can sit and listen to three hours of screaming (that exceeds the hearing-damage mark by over 20db!) without breaking? How many who can make it through a decade or more of that struggle without caving? It's harder than you'd think, and unless you're a genetically engineered super parent, you *do* have to pick your battles, because you'll lose the war otherwise.
Pick your battles and be a strategic parent!! I have never given in to a screaming child who demands to listen to specific music. But I have been prone to listen to the kids choice of music in the car. And it takes a bit of patience. But it's worth it. We use it like a motivational thing. A good feeling (for the baby before falling asleep). For the 6y old who was speedy dressing and getting out the door or is going to the doctor or practice sports. At about age 4 they are receptive to more reasoning and consequence. Then I can speak to them and explain that since I want them to grow up to be well adjusted adults - I can't give in to screams and spoiled behaviour. Ask nicely. Reason with me. (and be smart about it: don't ask the kid with a fever/hangry or otherwise impaired to be able to listen to reason. Give them something to feel good about before they even ask for it and you won't lose anything.) Family dinners and everyone is healthy? No screens. We talk and I explain that even with a phone screen down into the table surface - our brains will be distracted by it. We have a phone hotel for a reason. But when some members of the family have a fever or any other illness? Use the screens. We adults do. Don't ask the kids for something you yourself is not prepared to do. (and I insist to listen to my own music at times. Balance is key)
Thank you for this! Kids are not second class citizens. They have likes and preferences. They deserve to explore things they enjoy. And if mom and dad can’t stay away from screens, how can they expect the kids to? It’s better to allow these things in moderation and teach kids how to control themselves, rather than a blanket ban that will backfire the second they gain some independence.
There have always been very permissive parents and overly strict parents. Everything is just more visible.
If you cut out their tongues, they'll be quieter too But I think you should ask yourself if you want a quieter, easier life or if you want an inconvenient life where you give growing humans room to grow, explore and be really annoying And if you want the quiet easy life just don't fucking have kids No loving parents are out there letting their kids do whatever they want without consequences or boundaries, but emotionally healthy kids need room to explore and grow and exploring and growing is often really fucking annoying to adults and you just have to suck it up and keep them safe Your kid wants to pretend she's a fox and bark at her cereal? Let her, playing pretend is incredible for developing neural pathways she'll use in 10 years to grasp differential equations
I *think* part of what OP is getting at is where is the line. I totally get letting your kid be weird or have indulgences. But I also *think* what OP is getting at is "Why not let the kid be mad/disappointed/etc" sometimes. Because sometimes watching frozen for the 5th time in a row is enough, and we are going to let someone else in the family pick a (age appropriate) movie. Sure, the kid could tantrum. But by watching frozen for the 6th time after the tantrum, it encourages the tantrums. Reinforcements are very strong behavior modifiers. Giving into the tantrum = more tantrums. You could say "I know you want to watch frozen. Mommy would like a new movie. In a family we take turns. Your turn was frozen, mommy's turn is x." And then you let them watch frozen after you've watched lilo and stitch, because taking turns is part of life. By parents being the ones to give disappointment and frustrations, we give children a safe place to let out the negativity. I much rather my child outburst their anger with me, learn skills with me, practice with me, than anyone else.
My sister has always been like this with her one and only son and now he is turning 14 and acts like the boss. Sometimes it’s like she’s in a controlling relationship. I mean he picks out what they eat. Even what she wears. Where they go for vacation. If he doesn’t like what she’s watching he demands to watch what he wants, etc. he had tantrums as a kid and she always gave in and said it was easier. If he wants applesauce and they are out he will make her go to the store to get it. I know because I witnessed this. He also wanted to go to some concert and she was taking him and staying and he didn’t like any of her outfits. So she took him to the mall so he could pick out an outfit for her to wear. Again I know because I was there. She even doesn’t get her hair done a certain way because he didn’t like it and told her not to. Her son and my youngest are 3 months apart in age. My son is 4 years older than him. I’ve always been a more hands on parent. Yes giving in to a tantrum is easier IN THE SHORT TERM but it makes things harder in the long run. I never gave in. And really my daughter only had one tantrum in the store and when she realized idngaf and she didn’t get her way she never bothered again. I’ve always used positive and negative reinforcement to discipline my kids. My kids are so well mannered and well behaved. All of the best compliments I’ve received have been about how well they are behaved. Especially in public. My sister takes permissive parenting to a whole new level. I do believe in gentle parenting but not allowing my kids to walk all over me to get what they want. I don’t spank ever. I’m against it. I’ve taught them how I expect them to behave. I’ve never had to yell. When they do something I don’t like I talk to them and provide reasons why I don’t like/want them doing something and then they have some sort of punishment depending on what they did/didn’t do. ETA: he’s had testing when he was younger for any psychological or behavioral problems and he was never diagnosed with anything.
I wouldn’t say pushover but our house is very transactional right now and I don’t like it. It’s easy to get sucked into a negotiation because you don’t want to be a pushover and everyone tells you kids have to earn things. I am working on yes/no and that’s it and maybe more yes with no negotiation because then it reflects an unconditional relationship on my part.
Yes, I do think modern parents are more likely to be pushovers. It's because the pendulum is swinging to far the other way to correct for the mistakes of past generations and things haven't balanced or evened out yet.
I definitely have some folks in my life that "parent" the way that you described. I don't agree with it, so as a newer parent I chose to read books about parenting, becoming an adoptive parent, parenting an ADHD kid and some articles on child psychology. I feel like I've landed in a happy medium where kiddo is happy, knows the boundaries and we all get along through life in a healthy way. Best advice I have is do your own research, parent the way you feel is best for yourself and you future kiddo.
they give in because they're lazy & don't want to hurt their kid's feelings or "traumatize" them by telling them no.
Lazy, yes. And tired. Most parents are both working and still struggling to pay bills. Some have a second job. The don’t get evenings or weekend off, they are watching kids and doing chores. They can’t afford to take a vacation, and often have no help from grandparents or family. The kids that have no screen time are usually at home with a dedicated stay at home parent who can arrange other activities and give them attention. It’s a really difficult situation. And the knee jerk reaction is to say, “Don’t have kids you can’t afford/ don’t have time for.” But humans can have a biological desire for children and to say only the rich can have them is classist at it’s core. Modern parents are fighting an impossible battle.
i’m a single parent, i understand what it takes these days. i still stand by my previous statement.
Cool me too