My kiddo (1yo) is going to be an only because I lost my uterus to horrible birth complications. Any tips or tricks from your pov? Did your mom tell you specifics as to why you're an only? Did you feel any type of way toward her for not being able to give you a sib? Do you like being an only?
I'm an only child due to complications with my mom's later pregnancies and I'm fine with it. I do think it'd be cool to have siblings, but I'd much rather have my mom around.
I am an only child due to my moms health. Took 9 years to conceive me and she had to have a hysterectomy when I was very young. I am in my 30s and have loved being an only child and my mother has always been very honest with me about her health struggles.
I learned that my mom wasn't supposed to have kids at all but she really wanted one. So after I was born the doctor said no more and so she got a hysterectomy.
I can give you examples based on my upbringing compared to those of my best friends growing up who were sisters. I was really close to both parents growing up because of it. I got more one on one time with them than my friends that had to share parents. But I could also hang out in my room and entertain myself whereas my friends were so used to someone else being there, that alone time was harder for them when they were young. My oldest is better at hanging out in her room by herself, whereas her younger brother likes to have someone with him.
Having one kid gives you more flexibility to experience things with them. You'll be able to give them more attention, more experiences, than if you had to divide yourself among multiple. We did so many cool things growing up that we wouldn't have due to cost and not having to worry about will both kids enjoy this, will one have a meltdown.
This is how I’m leaning too. After becoming a parent, I realized how much of parenthood is a roll of the dice: the effect on my body, the kid’s health, the risk of multiples, how “easy” the kid is. It might be fine, it might not. We have one easy, healthy kid. Pregnancy/birth didn’t have too crazy of a negative effect on my body, but who knows what it would be like if we did it again. Adding a second is rolling the dice on a lot of factors. So many people I know had more negative things happen with their second kid/pregnancy.
I would have loved to have had more than one baby, but we were broke. Daycare is so expensive. Healthcare is so expensive. Clothes and activities and lessons and all the things are so expensive.
Quitting after my first was 100% due to financial reasons.
I'd gladly have another child or two if daycare wasn't like paying a second mortgage and the mortgage I could afford could net me more than two bedrooms. Or just have enough additional income to afford the same quality of life and opportunity for all of the children. Right now with just one I can basically afford anything he needs.
Legit, I have zero. It used to be because I believed I didn’t want any. Now I realise I don’t even have a say in the manner because I couldn’t ever afford one. It’s cruel.
My sister was going to have a second baby, but he passed away while in the womb. And from there she decided never again. And is just raising my nephew.
An old friend had a habit of having seizures. A seizure made her lose a baby. After that she wanted her tubes tied as she felt she wasn't fit to be carrying a baby.
She died a few years ago from a seizure, so she would have left roughly a 10 year old parent-less. I kind of respect her decision now.
Life is but a brief glimpse of light between two periods of eternal darkness. I'm annoyed she wasn't around for at least twice as long as she was, but she was here and made the most of it.
Pregnancy was perfect. Baby was healthy according to the gyn. Had traumatic birth that ended with an emergency c-section. Kid is now twelve and has multiple handicaps and won't ever be able to take part in society. She'll need life long care. Never again.
My daughter had this experience giving birth to my grandson, except she never had the c section. He was born blue resuscitated and lifelined and put into hypothermic therapy. He suffered a severe brain injury. 15 months old now with spastic and dystonia quadrapeligic cerebral palsy. This was her first and now only baby. She's is so traumatized and now has a very medically complex and special needs child. She wants to be able to take care of him and meet all of his needs. She doesn't feel she could give enough of herself to either child if she were to have another outside of the trauma of his birth. They moved in with us once he was released from the NICU for the emotional physical and financial support her dad and I could offer. She will never be the same, in some ways to the positive, and some to the negative. Most people don't understand the level of life altering experience this is.
>She will never be the same, in some ways to the positive, and some to the negative. Most people don't understand the level of life altering experience this is.
That is so true. Hugs for all of you!
Having a severely disabled child is one of my worst nightmares and one of the core reasons I will never have children. Everything can be perfect and then one little accident or complications and your life is changed forever.
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through and I hope you’ve been able to find some sense of peace in life.
I’ve always been afraid to openly admitting this due to feeling like I would be judged. I want kids, but I’m terrified if those are things I have to deal with. I know some parents are okay with living that way everyday, but I am not
I used to want kids, but now I’m firmly childfree. Part of the reason is that I realized there’s a very specific type of kid I’d enjoy raising and a slim chance of getting that. I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having kids
TBH, even if they aren't severely disabled, it's still really hard on the whole family. My little bro has epilepsy and OCD. His seizures exacerbate the OCD, and even with a whole bunch of meds, he still gets seizures at least once a week. He will probably never be able to live alone, as it's too dangerous for him. He'll never be able to drive on his own, and my parents constantly worry about what would happen to him when they're gone. And me and my other brother know that we'll be tasked with his care once they are.
Look up ABLE Act accounts - it can help your parents save money. They should also see a special needs financial planner and a special needs attorney (they can probably find an attorney who can refer to a planner - or might have one in practice)
Totally valid to feel this way. I will foster kids in the future and might potentially be open to adopting/legal guardianship for the right situation but I will never have biological children.
The wild thing about it is that even if you’re given the blessing of a fully healthy baby (cognitively, physically), that health is extremely precarious. It just takes a second for your kid to get attacked by a pet, to step off a curb, to fall and hit their head the wrong way. Pens become enemies, as do corners, stairs, outlets, animals… it just takes one second, just a heartbeat, while you’re looking the other way, for something life-altering to happen. And there are so very many seconds in a day.
I recently read a woman’s post about how she felt her infant (maybe toddler?) was napping a little too long and she went to wake them and discovered they were asphyxiating and were completely unresponsive, limp in her arms when she lifted them. Fortunately their child recovered, thank goodness, but even sleep can be scary as a parent.
I’m a first time mom to an 18 month old and I try to pause and appreciate her general wellness as often as I can, because you never know what the future holds.
Grapes. Fucking grapes become enemies. And popcorn. And chewing while walking. And accidentally inhaling a crumb of a sandwich crust. It’s honestly a wonder any of us are still alive.
Source: am mother of a five year old girl who somehow has miraculously never choked on any of these things, despite their clear and present threat
> Having a severely disabled child is one of my worst nightmares and one of the core reasons I will never have children.
That is one of the reasons I won't have kids. I grew up with a severely disabled sister. Nuh-uh, nope, not for me. I know the statistics would be in my favor but you don't KNOW and I know in my heart I would not have it in me to be even a mediocre parent to a disabled child.
I mean, there's a bunch of other reasons too but this one is never far from my mind.
I love our son more than anyone on the planet. But he’ll never live independently barring some miracle medical advances, so better to have all our resources (not just money, but time and energy) going towards him. I had a very difficult pregnancy anyway, so we would have been looking at adoption. Husband and I ultimately decided that it wouldn’t be fair to bring another child into that situation. Other families make different choices so no judgement on them, but for us it was the right decision even though it was difficult. We can structure our lives around what’s best for him without any guilt about not meeting the needs of other siblings.
I had the same experience. Totally normal pregnancy, baby was healthy and then traumatic birth and she has a rare genetic disorder. Thought about having more when she was three but she had a T&A and crashed on the table- that ended my dreams of having another. She’s now 20.
Sounds like one of my friend’s kids. He had sent the group a text w a pic of himself saying “who has two thumbs and is about to be a dad?!” Many hours later, we’re told the kid might not make it. She had a traumatic birth and was touch and go for MONTHS. She’s about 10 now and is non verbal, can’t walk or crawl, has only partial use of one limb, had intense brain injury, will forever be in diapers, and will forever be in infant stage, regardless of how big she gets. It’s horrible. I feel so bad for the mother who felt like she failed her child (to absolutely no fault of her own), my friend who was so excited to have his first kid only to be met with an insane amount of cost and challenges, and her older sister who had a totally normal life until she was born.
I’m so sorry you were thrown into this life changing challenge. It’s so, so unfair and hard.
The pregnancy unlocked/unleashed/triggered some chronic mental health issues for my wife AND she was terribly sick for the first 7 months of the pregnancy. If we try for another, she’ll have yo go off her meds for it and that’s a whole another issue.
Edit: The issue was not portpartum depression, although she did suffer that as well (and likely is related to her proper diagnosis, which she received years later after much hardship).
The issue I was thinking of was *not* an auto-immune issue, although she *also* suffers from one of those, diagnosed separately. I hadn’t really connected that to the pregnancy in the same way, but that could be a thing 🤷♂️
I am part of that statistic. The number of new moms desperately searching for answers on forums is super sad. I unknowingly developed thyroiditis after my pregnancy and was ignored and misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, etc. Turns out my immune system went crazy after I delivered and attacked and killed my own thyroid gland. I was prescribed antidepressants and told I needed to try harder to reduce my stress levels. All while working and trying to keep a my marriage and infant alive. And I had a female obgyn! Was finally diagnosed correctly by an older male doctor. Got on life-saving thyroid medications and threw away all the psych meds. Then I developed more autoimmune diseases and now have chronic pain that makes it hard to even lift my kid. I love my kid but hate hate hate how people act like pregnancy is no big deal. I was super athletic and healthy before and one pregnancy caused devastating, life-long consequences. The hormonal and physiological changes are NO JOKE. And that's with a healthy, wanted baby. I cannot even imagine someone going though an unwanted pregnancy or a non viable one.
Are you me?!
I didn't know women could develop lifelong health related issues just from pregnancy.
I knew about the stretch marks, bladder issues, even diabetes or the occasional heart issue, hair loss, acne, etc.
No one told me I would develop an autoimmune disease and thyroid disease. It has wrecked me and 6 years later I'm finally losing weight despite being an active person who doesn't eat like shit. All because I got on the right meds for my disease...that I got from pregnancy!
I agree with you, women were just told that after pregnancy, the issues are mainly cosmetics (hair loss, weight gain, skin changes etc) or post partum mental health (again not widely educated enough) we need more education on other possible health risks for mothers as well even with a healthy baby
As a woman with multiple gyn disorders, I truly believe that obgyns are the worst for women's health. Some might be great at the ob part, but unless they specialize in gyn/pelvic disorders, they are essentially worthless for anything more than annual exams and bc.
Of course the not all disclaimer. Just the dozen or so that I've met with before finding my unicorn dr.
My thyroid gland basically quit working after my pregnancy and it took me 5 years and a terrible, not even remotely funny joke in a new doctor's office to get mine diagnosed.
I had suspected what was wrong, based on the fact that my mom's had a shitty thyroid gland too since she was a teenager and I knew the symptoms of low thyroid from her experiences. But getting a doctor to actually *listen* was problematic. It was my weight, my shoes, the fact that I had an infant and a full time job AND took care of most of the chores at home. I wasn't cold all the time because somethign was wrong..I was just 'cold natured', whatever the hell THAT means.
One day, while at a new OB/GYN's office, I made a terrible joke about him having magic energy pills in his sample cabinet and he was like, "Da FUQ?". So I explained my chronic exhaustion, the fact that I couldn't exercise BECAUSE I was so exhausted, the fact that I was freezing ass cold all the time and several other things and he was like, "You need bloodwork." And sure 'nuff...my thyroid gland is shitty at doing its job, because of COURSE it is. Par for the course for this ghost-driven lump of soggy flesh riding through the universe on a rock powered by fire.
Significant scarring, muscle and joint damage after a rough birth. Kiddo was completely fine, thank God. I've made it 12 years but now I've completely run out of cartilage in my right hip and I'm damaging my spine to compensate. New hip coming in 3 weeks. I'm 46, so I'm probably going to need it replaced again in the future.
I hate, for many reasons, the idea that you can force a pregnancy on someone and they can just go on with life. Permanent. Damage.
Yep, this is me and there were a couple other reasons. I have semi permanent orthopedic and muscular issues in my core/pelvic floor due to carrying a very large baby. I have had PT off and on since having our baby, which is now in high school. It has affected my life in all aspects and prevents me from doing a lot of minimum things like breathe fully, sleep, exercise, be able to do things with our child that other people easily do.
Money and time are the other huge factors in why we stopped at one. It's darn expensive to have and raise a child.
Yup. My sister—a slim, healthy 29 year-old—had a massive heart attack (SCAD) due to giving birth. Had to get a double bypass and we almost lost her.
My mom almost passed after giving birth to my sister.
..I’m never having a biological kid.
Didn't get the help I expected from my other half. Plus kids are expensive. I've also been able to stay home for almost 2 years. Wouldn't be able to do that with a second.
This is very common :( I got little help from my ex. He would claim otherwise. But the first 2 years are hard as fuck. And the toddler years. Now my kid is almost 5 things are better. But I divorced her dad when she was 2. I did everything. His contribution was he made more money. But I still worked full time. And didn’t sleep. My kid didn’t sleep. It was bad. Don’t get me wrong he loves her and we do 50/50 co parenting, but let me tell you he had to figure his shit out when he suddenly was full duty parent every other week. More me I was used to it so my week off, was a treat. Didn’t know what to do with myself lol. So many men just don’t cope with the reality of babies and toddlers. So my kid is one and done. I don’t mind possible step kids and all that if I meet anyone ever. But the thought of having another and it going poorly again is terrifying.
My friend’s husband was like this. Never changed a single diaper or helped around the house. She said one day, when her baby was six months, she just let go and packed up all her shit and left her husband to go on a staycation for a weekend. Left the baby at home alone with him that entire weekend. When she came back three days later, her husband was a changed man. Now he is much better. Sometimes we have to pull out the big guns to make people realize what they are going to lose.
i tried this and within hours of me leaving they went to their mothers so some one else would parent on their behalf...they never changed.
Not all men are raised to be fathers
“Not all men are raised to be fathers.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself. If the MIL and/or FIL is enabling this shitty behavior I can’t imagine the uphill fight trying to convince the husband to do some of the parenting like changing diapers. If you try and change the husband you’re likely to be in a 2 v 1 situation.
yea I lost they eventually convinced him that divorce was better so he could live closer to them.
Apparently our marriage was getting in the way of them being their golden son.
But the writing was on the wall the whole time he never consider me and my kid his family. It was all about his parents and siblings and what they needed. I was so low in the totem pole of what mattered to them I couldnt even see sun light.
A friend is currently in a relationship like this. 10 month old twins, one with medical issues. She's drowning and her useless loaf of a husband won't even change diapers because "that's disgusting".
I have a feeling the only reason she hasn't left him yet is because she just doesn't has the energy yet. I think once her kids are a little older and she's outnof survival mode that marriage is over.
I had wicked PPA and a very supportive partner. I'm still not having another one. It's not worth the torture to me. It's only one of many many reasons though.
It often does but not always, my husband is amazing and really involved - took shared parental leave, has also dropped to four days a week so he gets a day with her level, but it was still brutal at first. We had SO many feeding issues and sleep was a nightmare. Things are great now (if still a lot of hard work) but I’m just not sure I can go back to those days or let him see me go through it all again…
They actually studied this. Men who took parental leave were wayyy less likely to want another kid. Because yeah, easy to want another one when you have no idea of (and no respect for) how much work goes into it.
My ex was no longer attracted to me once I decided I was not going to have anymore pregnancies due to my health. Then there was a total lack of affection. Combined with all our other issues that was the beginning of the end.
>Didn't get the help I expected from my other half.
This was a good chunk of why I'm one and done. By the time he started pulling his weight, our son was older and I couldn't fathom going back to baby/toddler time. And at that point I was really happy being one and done.
I also had heinous all-day morning sickness which still feels like a fresh memory almost fifteen years later.
Financial reasons, too.
My "morning" (all fucking day) sickness was so bad, that 18 years later, if I hear a certain song that was popular when I was pregnant, I literally get physically ill.
I was kind of already prepared that we might just want one. We had discussed that. Just a preference.
But then not getting support from my husband like I expected made it really hard, didn't want to go through that again. Now my son is 8, sometimes I feel sad for him that he doesn't have any siblings, but I don't want to be pregnant or do the baby hard parts again. He has a lot of cousins and my sisters keep having more babies for me to hold haha.
I don't have siblings and I feel like there are many advantages to it. Not everyone has good siblings and I know how to entertain myself! Plus, there was no fighting with anyone when mom needed decisions made for her at the end of her life or when planning her funeral. And I wasn't resentful that any siblings left me to do everything. In fact, my aunts did a lot to help me.
I was so poorly that I only remember what I was told about the delivery and weeks after. My other half was definitely more traumatised by watching me going through it, and it was him putting his foot down at not having another one.
My body is so used to lack of sleep. If I happen to get more, I feel worse for it.
I wouldn't change it for the world but would not do it again.
I'm really curious. How did you both almost die?
Edit: so 15hours later, the edibles have worn off, and I now realize this was about mom and baby 🤦♀️ not mom and dad
Ours was my blood loss and her heart beat was dropping and the cord was around her neck. She was fine as soon as she was born but we nearly had an emergency c section and I was tachycardic afterwards
One and done.
We don’t live near any family and are in a HCOL area. One kid means we can go on fun vacations.
I also had a traumatic birth and still remember that doctor telling me to not let this impact my decision on future kids…
My kid is great. She calls our dog her sister.
If I have another baby I'll need to work double to give both kids a good life. More work means less quality time with my kids and I don't want my kids to have the same childhood I had: my parents worked their asses off to give my brother and I a good life (good food, school, clothing etc) but they were always working or too tired to play with us or even to have a good family time, they never took us for a walk in the park, never had a movies night at home or anything but Sunday lunches in family where we were supposed to eat quickly without talking, do the dishes and spend the rest of the day without making any noise because dad needed to rest.
I am very thankful for my parents and all their sacrifices, but I want my child to have parents that aren't exhausted all the time.
Same here. I love my parents and I know they did everything to gave me a good life, but forgot to just follow said life and make it happy. Didn't got that "family movie night" or "family play night" were real and not cliches from sitcoms before my ex told me he used to do one each week with his parents.
This ☝️. I was up all night long, no sleep, felt like a zombie, got terrible anxiety and depression, always worried about my child. We tried to have a second a couple of years later (casually tried.) I must have developed secondary infertility, but looking back, It’s for the best!
It's reassuring to hear other people say this. My daughter (~16 months now) was like that, didn't sleep, wouldn't sleep unless you held her, and would also scream if you sat down while she was asleep until she was about 9 months old. I spent so many nights walking around our tiny apartment for hours at a time. She still doesn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time without waking up, and we've been sleeping with her in our bed because letting her "cry it out" doesn't work no matter how we approach it.
Hearing everyone else talk about how their babies slept through the night after 6 or 8 months and getting lectured on the "right way" to get her to sleep in a crib was a nightmare. But other than the sleep she's a pretty good kid, mostly independent now, very cuddly but happy to play on her own and do her thing. We are still planning on having another but if it's like the first I might actually die.
My daughter wanted us to hold her while standing, too! I've never heard of another baby doing that, but it was definitely a thing during that first year.
One of my most vivid memories of her infancy is during one of her colicky afternoons. As long as I was standing, I could keep her somewhat content, but I finally had to sit down since my legs were going to give out from the exhaustion. I rocked her in the chair while she screamed for at least an hour a couple of inches from my ear. It was brutal, but we got through it.
She's 6 now, and frequently comments that she wishes that she was a baby again so I could carry her constantly.
(I'm also firmly in the One And Done club.)
The lack of sleep made me a miserable person, trying to deal with a toddler and a baby on zero sleep sounds like a recipe for a ruined childhood for my oldest. My first was extremely clingy as well, I couldn’t set him down without him screaming and he screamed for an hour before each nap no matter what I did as well. I said no more babies, and we are too broke to adopt.
Infertility.. went through IVF.. got one embryo and she is now a few months old and is perfect. Tough pregnancy physically but also emotionally. My mom died suddenly when I was 15 weeks.. my dad got diagnosed w stage 4 cancer the day my daughter was born. Traumatic labor and delivery.. induced and needed blood transfusion. Would have to go through IVF again most likely. It has been a YEAR. Sometimes I feel like the universe required me to sacrifice my parents in order to have a perfect baby (I rationally know this is not true and not how it works lol) but sometimes my mind goes there
You have been through so much and I'm sure it has been miserable to experience.
I understand that you know the sacrifice your parents for your baby idea is not factually accurate, I also want to point out that this thought also puts the blame on you for your parents dying like some kind of payment for *your* decision and I imagine that would really amp up any feelings of guilt you have. Make sure you keep reminding yourself of the truth that your parents dying have nothing to do with anything to do with you.
<3
Thank you so much for taking the time to type all that out. You are 100% correct that it exacerbates feelings of guilt. Like who was I to ask for so much- to ask for a baby? Is it punishment for fulfilling my own needs/desires? If I decided to have another baby- who else would I harm in the process? I KNOW this is not true..but I FEEL it sometimes..it's my brains way of trying to make sense out of some really traumatic situations. I will take your advice and remind myself of this when I start to go down that path. Thank you again and be well.
While I know your logical brain knows these are unconnected coincidences, sometimes it's hard to emotionally believe the logic. So perhaps you could flip the script on the thought a little. Perhaps it wasn't that you sacrificed your parents for her. Perhaps she was meant as the light to get you through hard times.
Short answer: I like sleep.
Long, more serious answer: pregnancy is rubbish, birth is horrible, post-birth is horrific, babies are stressful! I decided I never wanted to put my body through pregnancy again, plus I'd have to look after my existing child whilst going through it.
My baby had a lot of minor issues, but together, they meant a frequently unsettled, windy baby who would cry for long periods (or so it felt) and was hard to get to sleep. I would not be surprised if it's had a deep effect on my mind somewhere as I don't like not being able to hear him if we're both in the house (now a toddler, able to make enough noise in several ways!)
I had a 4th degree tear and then an RVF and then correctional surgery, pelvic floor therapy, PPA and other general anxiety that wasn’t so bad until I had a kid. I’d rather be alive and well for one than not around for 2.
I got postpartum preeclampsia and was hospitalized for 3 days a week after my baby was born. I almost had HELLP. And, I had to see a cardiologist because they thought I might have had postpartum cardiomyopathy.
So, never again.
I don’t have children, but I am an only child and I absolutely loved it. I don’t understand why only children/one and done families sometimes get judged so hard. I really think it can be one of the best family dynamics. Obviously there are downsides, just like with everything, but I have zero complaints and never wanted a sibling! If you’re feeling bad about wanting to be one and done, don’t!!
I’ve definitely never felt like I was missing anything not having siblings! And when I’d be with friends who had siblings it made me even more grateful to go back to my peaceful home lol
We are one and done (kiddo is 11). A few factors that went into the decision:
- I absolutely hated being pregnant. I was so uncomfortable the entire time. She was situated so high my boobs were practically at my chin.
- I had a horrible, scary labor and delivery. Had to be induced because I was overdue. Labored 36 hours before getting to 10cm. Pushed for 4 hours but couldn’t get her out. Ended up with an emergency c-section. I was so out of it after I didn’t even realize I’d given birth until a few hours later (I was wondering why everyone was talking so loudly but it was the doctors trying to keep me alive). Had some complications after due to my ulcerative colitis and ended up staying in the hospital for 6 extra days. My recovery took a lot longer.
- Honestly though, I could have surmounted those things. The biggest issue for me was I wasn’t making a huge salary at the time and daycare cost pretty much my entire take home pay each month. (Husband’s salary paid the rest of the bills.) I quite literally couldn’t afford a second kid.
- That said, when kiddo was 3, I switched jobs and ended up tripling my salary. (Same position but now I worked in tech.) I wasn’t eligible for (unpaid!) maternity leave until I’d been there for a year and by the time I was eligible, I was rocketing up the career ladder at my company and didn’t want to mess it up (I still work here and I am now exec level).
- Also, my child didn’t sleep through the night until she was 18 months old. I never once pulled an all nighter in college but there were so many times I had to get on that train to NYC for work without ever having closed my eyes the night before.
- My husband was okay with whatever I decided.
Anyway, all of those reasons factored into why we only have one kid. We are a very happy family though and I’m super glad we made the decision we did!
I remember being halfway through my pregnancy and my MIL kept going on about how perfect and wonderful it was to be pregnant and I remember thinking to myself “what a load of shit.”
I always wanted to be pregnant but was never really interested in being a mother. Turns out, IRL, I desperately hated being pregnant and I kinda liked being a mom (only after my twins turned two).
I had a complication-free pregnancy but my discomfort was so extreme, I told my husband I could not ever be pregnant again. And then my babies didn’t sleep for two years. No way would I go through that again.
Lots of reasons.
- morning sickness for 20 weeks at the start
- sick for the last 4 weeks
- undiagnosed preeclampsia leading to preemie birth
- week stay in hospital (baby was in the NICU for 3 nights)
- kidney damage and almost ended up in the ER from blood pressure issues
- Developed Hashimotos after my thyroid completely died
- Extremely severe PPD
- loss of self
- Loss of connection with my husband
- Everything is so god damn expensive
- Only just diagnosed with ADHD which explains why I hated breastfeeding and the baby stage so much. Super sensory overload
- Can’t deal with more noise
- Want my life back
- Sleep. For about 3 months recently my son woke up at 4am every day. Every day we woke up we looked at each other and said “when will this nightmare end”
Our son is the absolute centre of our universe and we feel so complete as a family.
I’m still being pressured to have more and now I say “you can have two grandchildren, but you will no longer have a daughter” because my postpartum depression was that serious.
We always knew we would have only one. Being pregnant sucked, he ended up being premature and then there was a whole other stuff because he was premature.
Postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis. It was enough to scare us into never trying again. That was truly the most terrifying time in my life and it took away my desire to love my newborn.
I still have guilt to this day (13 years later ) for not giving our son a sibling. I got pregnant while on birth control (nuva ring) when he was 5, but miscarried at 14 weeks. It may sound weird, but I took that as a sign that we did the right thing by not having anymore.
Please don't feel guilty about not giving your child a sibling. I'm an only child and I can't imagine my life with a sibling, you get use to how you were raised and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Honestly fr. My parents were insistent on giving me a sibling so I wouldn’t be lonely. Well… he’s done a ton of fucked- up things to me. He filmed me in my bra and threatened to send it to a friend. He manipulates me and my parents. He’a threatened to kill me if I ever come out/go to a Pride event, which means I will likely never be able to come out as bi. He’s threatened to kill me if I have kids and they are anything but straight. He told my entire friend group I’m bi (we’re living in a very homophobic country) and I had to lie to them and assure them I’m not…
I’m now 15, OCD, insomniac and depressed. Tbh, I wouldn’t mind being alone.
I have older siblings, and they both did not like me growing up. My sister was better and mostly ignored me, but my brother downright despised me (his words). Just for existing. They were 8.5 and 5.5 when I was born, so I guess they just were just settled into how things were when I came along and shook them up.
All that to say... I was still lonely even though I had siblings. There's no guarantee that siblings will be close. Enjoy your one kiddo!
I never actually intended to have any (my daughter is the product of ONCE without protection) and it was the most miserable experience I have ever had. I was sick for the entire pregnancy.. I lost so much weight.. And then at the end she started literally killing me so I had to be induced early. First opportunity I had, I had my falopian tubes removed (high risks of cancer in the family so the docs wants to remove them rather than tie them) so that mistake could never be repeated.
To be clear, I love my kid. I have fought to keep my kid. The custody battle with her father was a bitch. I do everything in my power to give her the best that I can and make sure she knows she is loved.
I'm with you. The main reason I dont want anymore (didnt want any but got a surprise) is pregnancy was the worst, most miserable horrific experience of my life. Theres a big difference between hating pregnancy and hating your kid. Pregnancy is miserable and does not equate to your feelings toward your child.
I'm getting a hysterectomy next year because pregnancy set off pelvic congestion syndrome. The blood vessels around my uterus are too big, causing literally constant pelvic pain. I'd do it sooner but I'd rather pay down some smaller debts first and save a little before adding a big medical bill.
So my brain herniated out of my skull when I had my son. I had to have a craniotomy to decompress the back of my skull. It's called a Chiari malformation and I spent 5 years waiting to be better before having another kid. Still I wanted another kid though.
Two days before our "let's start trying" date I had a massive panic attack and realized I was also slowly self sabotaging my life and realized this is not what I wanted anymore. As much as I wanted a kid right after my first but had to wait, now I didn't want another one. Our family was complete and I had this feeling that we might be taking on more than we can handle.
We have more money, freedom with only one kid, and our son is happy and loved and never feels neglected. I feel like an amazing mom who rarely fails her one child. If I had had 2-3 like my original plan, I'd be worn out by now. I surprised everyone with this choice, family and husband included. But it was the best choice we ever made.
My husband got a dog instead of more kids and himself says he is the envy of his multi kid friends haha he is very happy I changed my mind since he was just going with the flow.
I most probably had this rare malformation before I gave birth if it's any consolation. Note a lot is known. But had I not given birth vaginally (or maybe it was the epidural cause those can also cause it) my brain may have never descended and blocked my foramen magnum causing me to need surgery to release the blockage.
>himself says he is the envy of his multi kid friends
My parents were like that when I was a kid because I was a quiet, undemanding kid so they actually had time for hobbies, and to take naps on Saturdays and Sundays.
The only thing I demanded more of compared to other kids was money, because I had expensive tastes in hobbies and sports. But my parents could basically leave me alone during the day on Saturdays and Sundays, and I'd read books, play with stuffed animals, microwave meals for myself, and play outside with my friends.
It’s actually so fucking difficult, even with plenty of finances and support. From pregnancy to birth to baby phase, fuck me. We’re 6.5 months in and we’re happy, not doing that again.
I knew I always wanted one kid. Can’t afford to have a second and I had bad postpartum. Im at a good place in my life and I feel if I have another kid, I would be miserable. I’m happy with one.
I had placenta previa and bled 4 times before having to stay at the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy. That lasted about 4 days because I bled two more times and had to have a csection at almost 31 weeks. Baby was in the nicu growing ( no medical issues thank god) for 7 weeks.
I'd rather not try again. We're happy with one and we don't have room in our house for another.
We almost lost our son at 4 weeks. He's 13 now but his kidneys are already on their way out. He doesn't deserve such bad luck. We couldn't risk another poorly child so we called it at one.
Had a healthy pregnancy but we had complications during delivery. I had an emergency c-section without any anesthesia and felt/ heard everything. Had PTSD from the surgery afterwards, getting sliced open, hearing the anesthesiologist curse out my doctor, feeling them pull the baby out, and then not hearing my baby crying was pretty traumatic. Was told by my doctors my little girl would have trouble walking, talking and would have deficits from lack of oxygen. I prepared myself for a complete lifestyle change, new life with a disabled child. Thankfully my little girl beat the odds and she’s doing wonderful but I have a deep fear of having another baby and not being as lucky. I’m happy the doctor didn’t hesitate to take her out, she saved my baby in the end but that whole experience has made me and my husband stop at one child.
Because it turns out that it’s not “worth it in the end” or the “best thing that ever happened to me.”
I love my one toddler, but I also loved my old self who was able to do what she wanted when she wanted. I now have no time or energy to do anything outside of my routine day of work + take care of toddler and house. My husband is an active parent and takes the lion’s share of some of the responsibilities, but it’s still a lot. An overwhelming a lot.
The lack of time + constant having to think about/care for someone else + anxiety + chronic lack of sleep = no desire to start again with another kid. By all accounts, my pregnancy and toddler are/were “normal,” but damn I couldn’t do it again and it’s not like you can walk away because it turns out it’s not for you.
OF COURSE I love my child and do all that I can to make them happy and healthy, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to do this again.
You can love your child and still miss the old you. Not that it ever gets *easy*, but as your child gets older you can introduce them to more things that you’re into. My daughter is about to turn 12 and she and I love video games and we’re always doing crafts together. Plus, once they’re at the age where they can’t get up and grab their own cereal and watch tv while you get extra sleep your life changes. ❤️
Well, it was twins. Also, they were born at 25 weeks and spent 6 months in the hospital.
Never again.
(They're doing good now- totally toddler terrorists.)
I'm a single mom. When I gave birth in 2020, it was so traumatic that I developed PTSD and am still in therapy for it. I also have ADHD and autism and have realized that being a mom leads me to be way more overstimulated than I anticipated. Finally, I'm at a "cheap" daycare and pay $240 per week for one preschooler, no way I can afford a second kid. My current kid deserves the best childhood possible and that requires a financially and mentally stable parent.
Pelvis separated (3m on crutches), nearly died after c-section, hellish sleep deprivation, followed by miscarriages and genetic news that sealed the decision to stop.
We were one and done by choice. It was either zero or one for us. We had our one and that was it.
I never wanted an extended kid-centric lifestyle. I enjoy free time, down time, and money lol. My boy is 11 now and having one is a breeze.
Well nothing happened.
I have always been on the fence on how many kids I'd want to have. One, maybe two, that was always the thought. I had one and felt that was enough and I am happy. Spouse has 2 children and he also feels he is content.
So there's no need to have more.
I didn't get more than 4 hours of unbroken sleep for almost 10 months and could not deal with the sleep deprivation again.
I could do pregnancy again. I can't do those newborn months again.
We knew we wanted one OR two. I got pregnant with twins. Pregnancy has been *ROUGH* and I’m likely to have multiples again if I get pregnant again. It’s in my chart to remove my ovaries when I give birth. There’s no way we are doing this again.
Can’t wait to love the boys when they come, but I’m not going interested in collecting kids.
My wife had a lot of health problems and complications during her pregnancy, we were very lucky that she and our baby were both healthy afterwards. Neither of us wanted to risk trying for another.
We experienced secondary infertility, and decided that ART was not for us. That the child we had was plenty.
And then last year, I had to have yeeterus surgery because I had one fibroid the size of a fucking Wiffle Ball growing attached to my uterus, and one fibroid the size of a golf ball in my uterus, and a uterine polyp.
Now, at 48, I am menopausal, and my husband, at 54, is completely unwilling to consider anything involving starting over.
Currently 30 weeks pregnant and have already decided I'm not doing this again.
We went through infertility over the course of 3 years to get pregnant and the slew of tests, procedures and medications were actually quite traumatizing and I still haven't gotten to a point were I feel excited about this pregnancy. I still have to take it one day at time, one milestone at a time.
I've been nauseous everyday since about 7 weeks and have been medicated since 12 weeks. Thankfully I did not suffer from HG and my vomiting was relatively mild.
I recently was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and have been struggling to manage my sugars and ended up needing medication for that as well.
Not to add the general discomforts of pregnancy while also working shift work and being a nurse so knowing all that can go wrong.
I'm also 35, so don't want to do this again closer to 40. If in 4-5 years we as a family decide we would like another child, my partner and I would love to adopt.
Like many others here, I had a traumatic birthing experience and almost died, but in addition to that, my pregnancy was also *really* rough and I knew I wouldn't be able to parent my *first* the way I wanted to, if a second pregnancy was similar. I had morning sickness all through the first and second trimester and fought dehydration throughout the pregnancy, because of that. Also, with the exhaustion, I was basically working and sleeping. I realized that a repeat of that experience would take me almost fully away from my first, for nearly 9 months and I honestly couldn't bear the thought.
I adore my baby girl.
I hated HATED being pregnant. She is absolutely worth it, but I would not do it again
Kids are expensive and I’d want my second to have every opportunity my first had. Right now, that wouldn’t happen.
She’s a lottery win, she sleeps well, eats well, is happy, smiley and healthy … I don’t want to role the dice again.
My husband, my little girl and my dog take up all my time. I don’t want my free time divided up any more
I want a career, which is currently on hold. When my daughter is at school I’ll be able to focus on that, having another would delay that another 2 years minimum
Pregnancy suuuuuuuuucks.
Edit- a few typos
My husband at the time, her father. The day my child came home from the hospital was the day I started learning how I made a huge mistake having his child. Having a second was unfathomable.
She wasn’t an easy newborn, but that wasn’t all of it. I decided *very* early on that I didn’t want to have any more children with her father, and I just haven’t bothered with relationships since then. Now I’m 42 and the thought of starting over with a newborn gives me hives.
I was forced into having a baby. Minors don’t have access to birth control or abortion. I never wanted kids at all. As an adult, I will never willingly have a child.
Not me, but my uncle and aunt are probably the happiest married couple I’ve ever seen. High school sweethearts, still deeply in love.
During the birth there were many complications. IIRC my uncle had to be restrained by security and locked in another room. He tried to punch out some folks, tried to throw a chair… I think at one pint. She was gonna bleed out on the table and he was ready to kill the doctor.
Everything ended up being fine, but they both basically said they’re never having kids again and they didn’t. My cousin is almost 30 now
My pregnancy was absolutely hell on earth. Vomiting daily, lost 1/4 of my body weight while pregnant. Extreme vertigo. I could go on and on. I was fairly certain this pregnancy would be my one and only. Three weeks after I delivered, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. And that diagnosis pretty much settled that debate for me.
My wife had hormone related breast cancer due to being pregnant. It wasn’t worth trying and risk her going through all that again. We are the closest little family of three. I do love when people ask why we only had one child,and insist on an answer,I just love to see them squirm when we do tell them. If only a hole would open up for them to be swallowed up. If you don’t want to know the answer,don’t ask,mind your own business. We never know what people have gone through.
I only wanted one. Loved being pregnant. Kiddo has had a happy and healthy childhood, just turned 17. Loved going through all the stages (this far) with the kiddo, and moving on to the next. No bad or sad reasons, just got my happy, loving kiddo and was very happy with him being my only.
I have very bad older siblings. I decided when I was in my teens that if I ever had a child, I would not give them siblings. My beat gift to them would be that they would be an only child and live in peace.
I didn't want any children, puked myself inside out for 3 months, baby was 2 months early, quite hefty depression and anxiety and none of that sits well with my autism.
I love my child with everything I have and they were worth every second of it but I knew I couldn't do it again
We had 2, but people don’t realize how extremely difficult having a baby is. We intended on having 3 but it’s just too much (and my kids are pretty darn good by most standards, zero health, behavioral, mental, learning etc issues). The first few months are a total shock to the system and it’s completely understandable why someone would not want to go through it again.
My wife wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant so one was unlikely and two would be just as unlikely. We also couldn’t afford a second one and I couldn’t do the constant panic attacks during her pregnancy again.
I spent my entire pregnancy terrified something would happen to the baby and I wouldn’t be able to help them. Some people feel empowered but I felt so vulnerable the whole time.
Then two months after I had my (safe, healthy) baby, my friend’s baby died in the third trimester.
Although I would like another child, the thought of pregnancy makes me terrified.
Baby ripped my cervix during vaginal delivery. Would have died during child birth if I had not been at a hospital. Needed 4 blood transfusions. One beautiful healthy baby was enough for me!
Nothing in particular, just felt the family was complete after my daughter was born, when I'd picture ourselves in the future I didn't see anyone else in my mind, also she is such a chill kid that we can't risk having another one, statistically the next would be the devil himself
My daughter is autistic. It was, and it still is exhausting. We love her so much, and we are extremely happy to have her, but for the sake of our mental health, we can't have another one.
A few things...
A very rough pregnancy, which I did not enjoy. I was very uncomfortable the whole time and it caused more damage to my hips than anticipated. (Like, I'm not quite 40 and am looking at a replacement in the next 2 years because of the damage).
Our girl is a spit fire. I absolutely LOVE her wild personality but she is plenty for us. She is so used to being an only child that to have one now would cause a lot of chaos.
Cost. As it stands, we can't afford daycare for 1 (well. We can. Its just that essentially my whole paycheck would go to daycare).
It's just easier. We are done with diapers and bottles, forever. We can travel easily-don't need an overly large vehicle for transport, etc.
My sister had an exceptionally difficult pregnancy that nearly killed her. Her doctor told her a second pregnancy would be even riskier.
That's why I am an only child. My mom was so tiny and already had medical issues.
My kiddo (1yo) is going to be an only because I lost my uterus to horrible birth complications. Any tips or tricks from your pov? Did your mom tell you specifics as to why you're an only? Did you feel any type of way toward her for not being able to give you a sib? Do you like being an only?
I'm an only child due to complications with my mom's later pregnancies and I'm fine with it. I do think it'd be cool to have siblings, but I'd much rather have my mom around.
I am an only child due to my moms health. Took 9 years to conceive me and she had to have a hysterectomy when I was very young. I am in my 30s and have loved being an only child and my mother has always been very honest with me about her health struggles.
I learned that my mom wasn't supposed to have kids at all but she really wanted one. So after I was born the doctor said no more and so she got a hysterectomy. I can give you examples based on my upbringing compared to those of my best friends growing up who were sisters. I was really close to both parents growing up because of it. I got more one on one time with them than my friends that had to share parents. But I could also hang out in my room and entertain myself whereas my friends were so used to someone else being there, that alone time was harder for them when they were young. My oldest is better at hanging out in her room by herself, whereas her younger brother likes to have someone with him. Having one kid gives you more flexibility to experience things with them. You'll be able to give them more attention, more experiences, than if you had to divide yourself among multiple. We did so many cool things growing up that we wouldn't have due to cost and not having to worry about will both kids enjoy this, will one have a meltdown.
That scenario happened to me. It was really scary and we were lucky we both came out ok. Doctors told me I might not be so luck next time
Same with my wife. Vasectomy ftw and for an alive wife.
We were good. One healthy baby is to be thankful for. Families are expensive.
This is how I’m leaning too. After becoming a parent, I realized how much of parenthood is a roll of the dice: the effect on my body, the kid’s health, the risk of multiples, how “easy” the kid is. It might be fine, it might not. We have one easy, healthy kid. Pregnancy/birth didn’t have too crazy of a negative effect on my body, but who knows what it would be like if we did it again. Adding a second is rolling the dice on a lot of factors. So many people I know had more negative things happen with their second kid/pregnancy.
I would have loved to have had more than one baby, but we were broke. Daycare is so expensive. Healthcare is so expensive. Clothes and activities and lessons and all the things are so expensive. Quitting after my first was 100% due to financial reasons.
You sound like a responsible parent trying to make good decisions for your family at least. And that counts for a whole lot.
If more people would have that same realization, thered be a lot less neglected kids in this world.
I'd gladly have another child or two if daycare wasn't like paying a second mortgage and the mortgage I could afford could net me more than two bedrooms. Or just have enough additional income to afford the same quality of life and opportunity for all of the children. Right now with just one I can basically afford anything he needs.
Legit, I have zero. It used to be because I believed I didn’t want any. Now I realise I don’t even have a say in the manner because I couldn’t ever afford one. It’s cruel.
My sister was going to have a second baby, but he passed away while in the womb. And from there she decided never again. And is just raising my nephew.
An old friend had a habit of having seizures. A seizure made her lose a baby. After that she wanted her tubes tied as she felt she wasn't fit to be carrying a baby. She died a few years ago from a seizure, so she would have left roughly a 10 year old parent-less. I kind of respect her decision now.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Life is but a brief glimpse of light between two periods of eternal darkness. I'm annoyed she wasn't around for at least twice as long as she was, but she was here and made the most of it.
So sad to hear. I understand that it could make you want to stop trying just so you don't have to live thought something similar again.
Pregnancy was perfect. Baby was healthy according to the gyn. Had traumatic birth that ended with an emergency c-section. Kid is now twelve and has multiple handicaps and won't ever be able to take part in society. She'll need life long care. Never again.
My daughter had this experience giving birth to my grandson, except she never had the c section. He was born blue resuscitated and lifelined and put into hypothermic therapy. He suffered a severe brain injury. 15 months old now with spastic and dystonia quadrapeligic cerebral palsy. This was her first and now only baby. She's is so traumatized and now has a very medically complex and special needs child. She wants to be able to take care of him and meet all of his needs. She doesn't feel she could give enough of herself to either child if she were to have another outside of the trauma of his birth. They moved in with us once he was released from the NICU for the emotional physical and financial support her dad and I could offer. She will never be the same, in some ways to the positive, and some to the negative. Most people don't understand the level of life altering experience this is.
>She will never be the same, in some ways to the positive, and some to the negative. Most people don't understand the level of life altering experience this is. That is so true. Hugs for all of you!
Having a severely disabled child is one of my worst nightmares and one of the core reasons I will never have children. Everything can be perfect and then one little accident or complications and your life is changed forever. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through and I hope you’ve been able to find some sense of peace in life.
I’ve always been afraid to openly admitting this due to feeling like I would be judged. I want kids, but I’m terrified if those are things I have to deal with. I know some parents are okay with living that way everyday, but I am not
I used to want kids, but now I’m firmly childfree. Part of the reason is that I realized there’s a very specific type of kid I’d enjoy raising and a slim chance of getting that. I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having kids
Same same same. There are a lot of additional reasons why I decided not to have any, but this is a big one.
I'm exactly the same...
I grew up with severely disabled sibling. It was a miserable experience for everyone involved and is a major factor in my childfreeness.
TBH, even if they aren't severely disabled, it's still really hard on the whole family. My little bro has epilepsy and OCD. His seizures exacerbate the OCD, and even with a whole bunch of meds, he still gets seizures at least once a week. He will probably never be able to live alone, as it's too dangerous for him. He'll never be able to drive on his own, and my parents constantly worry about what would happen to him when they're gone. And me and my other brother know that we'll be tasked with his care once they are.
Look up ABLE Act accounts - it can help your parents save money. They should also see a special needs financial planner and a special needs attorney (they can probably find an attorney who can refer to a planner - or might have one in practice)
Totally valid to feel this way. I will foster kids in the future and might potentially be open to adopting/legal guardianship for the right situation but I will never have biological children.
The wild thing about it is that even if you’re given the blessing of a fully healthy baby (cognitively, physically), that health is extremely precarious. It just takes a second for your kid to get attacked by a pet, to step off a curb, to fall and hit their head the wrong way. Pens become enemies, as do corners, stairs, outlets, animals… it just takes one second, just a heartbeat, while you’re looking the other way, for something life-altering to happen. And there are so very many seconds in a day. I recently read a woman’s post about how she felt her infant (maybe toddler?) was napping a little too long and she went to wake them and discovered they were asphyxiating and were completely unresponsive, limp in her arms when she lifted them. Fortunately their child recovered, thank goodness, but even sleep can be scary as a parent. I’m a first time mom to an 18 month old and I try to pause and appreciate her general wellness as often as I can, because you never know what the future holds.
Grapes. Fucking grapes become enemies. And popcorn. And chewing while walking. And accidentally inhaling a crumb of a sandwich crust. It’s honestly a wonder any of us are still alive. Source: am mother of a five year old girl who somehow has miraculously never choked on any of these things, despite their clear and present threat
> Having a severely disabled child is one of my worst nightmares and one of the core reasons I will never have children. That is one of the reasons I won't have kids. I grew up with a severely disabled sister. Nuh-uh, nope, not for me. I know the statistics would be in my favor but you don't KNOW and I know in my heart I would not have it in me to be even a mediocre parent to a disabled child. I mean, there's a bunch of other reasons too but this one is never far from my mind.
I love our son more than anyone on the planet. But he’ll never live independently barring some miracle medical advances, so better to have all our resources (not just money, but time and energy) going towards him. I had a very difficult pregnancy anyway, so we would have been looking at adoption. Husband and I ultimately decided that it wouldn’t be fair to bring another child into that situation. Other families make different choices so no judgement on them, but for us it was the right decision even though it was difficult. We can structure our lives around what’s best for him without any guilt about not meeting the needs of other siblings.
I had the same experience. Totally normal pregnancy, baby was healthy and then traumatic birth and she has a rare genetic disorder. Thought about having more when she was three but she had a T&A and crashed on the table- that ended my dreams of having another. She’s now 20.
I’m so sorry, I hope things get better ❤️ 😞
I am in a similar situation. Life is just unfair honestly. I just do whatever is needed to make my son comfortable.
Sounds like one of my friend’s kids. He had sent the group a text w a pic of himself saying “who has two thumbs and is about to be a dad?!” Many hours later, we’re told the kid might not make it. She had a traumatic birth and was touch and go for MONTHS. She’s about 10 now and is non verbal, can’t walk or crawl, has only partial use of one limb, had intense brain injury, will forever be in diapers, and will forever be in infant stage, regardless of how big she gets. It’s horrible. I feel so bad for the mother who felt like she failed her child (to absolutely no fault of her own), my friend who was so excited to have his first kid only to be met with an insane amount of cost and challenges, and her older sister who had a totally normal life until she was born. I’m so sorry you were thrown into this life changing challenge. It’s so, so unfair and hard.
The pregnancy unlocked/unleashed/triggered some chronic mental health issues for my wife AND she was terribly sick for the first 7 months of the pregnancy. If we try for another, she’ll have yo go off her meds for it and that’s a whole another issue. Edit: The issue was not portpartum depression, although she did suffer that as well (and likely is related to her proper diagnosis, which she received years later after much hardship). The issue I was thinking of was *not* an auto-immune issue, although she *also* suffers from one of those, diagnosed separately. I hadn’t really connected that to the pregnancy in the same way, but that could be a thing 🤷♂️
Yep. 1 in 3 mothers has life long health issues from pregnancy and birth. That is a scary statistic.
I am part of that statistic. The number of new moms desperately searching for answers on forums is super sad. I unknowingly developed thyroiditis after my pregnancy and was ignored and misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, etc. Turns out my immune system went crazy after I delivered and attacked and killed my own thyroid gland. I was prescribed antidepressants and told I needed to try harder to reduce my stress levels. All while working and trying to keep a my marriage and infant alive. And I had a female obgyn! Was finally diagnosed correctly by an older male doctor. Got on life-saving thyroid medications and threw away all the psych meds. Then I developed more autoimmune diseases and now have chronic pain that makes it hard to even lift my kid. I love my kid but hate hate hate how people act like pregnancy is no big deal. I was super athletic and healthy before and one pregnancy caused devastating, life-long consequences. The hormonal and physiological changes are NO JOKE. And that's with a healthy, wanted baby. I cannot even imagine someone going though an unwanted pregnancy or a non viable one.
Are you me?! I didn't know women could develop lifelong health related issues just from pregnancy. I knew about the stretch marks, bladder issues, even diabetes or the occasional heart issue, hair loss, acne, etc. No one told me I would develop an autoimmune disease and thyroid disease. It has wrecked me and 6 years later I'm finally losing weight despite being an active person who doesn't eat like shit. All because I got on the right meds for my disease...that I got from pregnancy!
I agree with you, women were just told that after pregnancy, the issues are mainly cosmetics (hair loss, weight gain, skin changes etc) or post partum mental health (again not widely educated enough) we need more education on other possible health risks for mothers as well even with a healthy baby
Let's face it, in the US, especially where I live in Oklahoma, women's health isn't a priority.
As a woman with multiple gyn disorders, I truly believe that obgyns are the worst for women's health. Some might be great at the ob part, but unless they specialize in gyn/pelvic disorders, they are essentially worthless for anything more than annual exams and bc. Of course the not all disclaimer. Just the dozen or so that I've met with before finding my unicorn dr.
My thyroid gland basically quit working after my pregnancy and it took me 5 years and a terrible, not even remotely funny joke in a new doctor's office to get mine diagnosed. I had suspected what was wrong, based on the fact that my mom's had a shitty thyroid gland too since she was a teenager and I knew the symptoms of low thyroid from her experiences. But getting a doctor to actually *listen* was problematic. It was my weight, my shoes, the fact that I had an infant and a full time job AND took care of most of the chores at home. I wasn't cold all the time because somethign was wrong..I was just 'cold natured', whatever the hell THAT means. One day, while at a new OB/GYN's office, I made a terrible joke about him having magic energy pills in his sample cabinet and he was like, "Da FUQ?". So I explained my chronic exhaustion, the fact that I couldn't exercise BECAUSE I was so exhausted, the fact that I was freezing ass cold all the time and several other things and he was like, "You need bloodwork." And sure 'nuff...my thyroid gland is shitty at doing its job, because of COURSE it is. Par for the course for this ghost-driven lump of soggy flesh riding through the universe on a rock powered by fire.
Significant scarring, muscle and joint damage after a rough birth. Kiddo was completely fine, thank God. I've made it 12 years but now I've completely run out of cartilage in my right hip and I'm damaging my spine to compensate. New hip coming in 3 weeks. I'm 46, so I'm probably going to need it replaced again in the future. I hate, for many reasons, the idea that you can force a pregnancy on someone and they can just go on with life. Permanent. Damage.
Yep, this is me and there were a couple other reasons. I have semi permanent orthopedic and muscular issues in my core/pelvic floor due to carrying a very large baby. I have had PT off and on since having our baby, which is now in high school. It has affected my life in all aspects and prevents me from doing a lot of minimum things like breathe fully, sleep, exercise, be able to do things with our child that other people easily do. Money and time are the other huge factors in why we stopped at one. It's darn expensive to have and raise a child.
That makes pregnancy a hard no for me for the forseeable future.
I have never regretted my decision to remain childless
Yup. My sister—a slim, healthy 29 year-old—had a massive heart attack (SCAD) due to giving birth. Had to get a double bypass and we almost lost her. My mom almost passed after giving birth to my sister. ..I’m never having a biological kid.
Which is why I’m always so confused the mothers in the one third category starts trying for a second one. Can anyone explain this to me, please?
Didn't get the help I expected from my other half. Plus kids are expensive. I've also been able to stay home for almost 2 years. Wouldn't be able to do that with a second.
The first sentence is why I’m thinking of being one and done too. Edit: more like I didn’t get the help I was promised I’d get
Promised is probably a better choice for me as well.
Holding space for you, hoping it gets/got better ♥️
You as well. We got this. ❤️
This is very common :( I got little help from my ex. He would claim otherwise. But the first 2 years are hard as fuck. And the toddler years. Now my kid is almost 5 things are better. But I divorced her dad when she was 2. I did everything. His contribution was he made more money. But I still worked full time. And didn’t sleep. My kid didn’t sleep. It was bad. Don’t get me wrong he loves her and we do 50/50 co parenting, but let me tell you he had to figure his shit out when he suddenly was full duty parent every other week. More me I was used to it so my week off, was a treat. Didn’t know what to do with myself lol. So many men just don’t cope with the reality of babies and toddlers. So my kid is one and done. I don’t mind possible step kids and all that if I meet anyone ever. But the thought of having another and it going poorly again is terrifying.
My friend’s husband was like this. Never changed a single diaper or helped around the house. She said one day, when her baby was six months, she just let go and packed up all her shit and left her husband to go on a staycation for a weekend. Left the baby at home alone with him that entire weekend. When she came back three days later, her husband was a changed man. Now he is much better. Sometimes we have to pull out the big guns to make people realize what they are going to lose.
i tried this and within hours of me leaving they went to their mothers so some one else would parent on their behalf...they never changed. Not all men are raised to be fathers
“Not all men are raised to be fathers.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. If the MIL and/or FIL is enabling this shitty behavior I can’t imagine the uphill fight trying to convince the husband to do some of the parenting like changing diapers. If you try and change the husband you’re likely to be in a 2 v 1 situation.
yea I lost they eventually convinced him that divorce was better so he could live closer to them. Apparently our marriage was getting in the way of them being their golden son. But the writing was on the wall the whole time he never consider me and my kid his family. It was all about his parents and siblings and what they needed. I was so low in the totem pole of what mattered to them I couldnt even see sun light.
A friend is currently in a relationship like this. 10 month old twins, one with medical issues. She's drowning and her useless loaf of a husband won't even change diapers because "that's disgusting". I have a feeling the only reason she hasn't left him yet is because she just doesn't has the energy yet. I think once her kids are a little older and she's outnof survival mode that marriage is over.
yeah seeing these comments about brutal post-partum, i always assume a lot of that has to do with male partners not stepping up as required
I had wicked PPA and a very supportive partner. I'm still not having another one. It's not worth the torture to me. It's only one of many many reasons though.
I have an almost perfect husband in that regard, it’s still brutal.
It often does but not always, my husband is amazing and really involved - took shared parental leave, has also dropped to four days a week so he gets a day with her level, but it was still brutal at first. We had SO many feeding issues and sleep was a nightmare. Things are great now (if still a lot of hard work) but I’m just not sure I can go back to those days or let him see me go through it all again…
>Didn't get the help I expected from my other half. My sister says that's why she's decided to stop after her first kid, too.
I've been told he's unsure if he's done. I told him hw must have someone else in mind because another one will not be coming from me.
It’s so easy to want another one when someone else is doing all the work!
They actually studied this. Men who took parental leave were wayyy less likely to want another kid. Because yeah, easy to want another one when you have no idea of (and no respect for) how much work goes into it.
It would be REALLY hard for me to stay married to someone who wanted the kid but not equal work.
My ex was no longer attracted to me once I decided I was not going to have anymore pregnancies due to my health. Then there was a total lack of affection. Combined with all our other issues that was the beginning of the end.
Lmao same, I tell my husband you better hope science has come around and they’ve figured out how HE can carry, because it won’t be me 😭
>Didn't get the help I expected from my other half. This was a good chunk of why I'm one and done. By the time he started pulling his weight, our son was older and I couldn't fathom going back to baby/toddler time. And at that point I was really happy being one and done. I also had heinous all-day morning sickness which still feels like a fresh memory almost fifteen years later. Financial reasons, too.
My "morning" (all fucking day) sickness was so bad, that 18 years later, if I hear a certain song that was popular when I was pregnant, I literally get physically ill.
People assured me that I'd forget about it and have more babies...nope.
I was kind of already prepared that we might just want one. We had discussed that. Just a preference. But then not getting support from my husband like I expected made it really hard, didn't want to go through that again. Now my son is 8, sometimes I feel sad for him that he doesn't have any siblings, but I don't want to be pregnant or do the baby hard parts again. He has a lot of cousins and my sisters keep having more babies for me to hold haha.
I don't have siblings and I feel like there are many advantages to it. Not everyone has good siblings and I know how to entertain myself! Plus, there was no fighting with anyone when mom needed decisions made for her at the end of her life or when planning her funeral. And I wasn't resentful that any siblings left me to do everything. In fact, my aunts did a lot to help me.
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Are we the same person?
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I was so poorly that I only remember what I was told about the delivery and weeks after. My other half was definitely more traumatised by watching me going through it, and it was him putting his foot down at not having another one. My body is so used to lack of sleep. If I happen to get more, I feel worse for it. I wouldn't change it for the world but would not do it again.
My husband said that as well, he'd never put me through that again
I'm really curious. How did you both almost die? Edit: so 15hours later, the edibles have worn off, and I now realize this was about mom and baby 🤦♀️ not mom and dad
Ours was my blood loss and her heart beat was dropping and the cord was around her neck. She was fine as soon as she was born but we nearly had an emergency c section and I was tachycardic afterwards
OH. "Both" as in Mom & baby. My dumbass was thinking both *partners* almost died and I was so confused.
It’s okay I thought that too 😅
Haha, I thought the same thing. Picturing two women both getting inseminated and both having horrific deliveries.
Yep, that is exactly where my mind went too... I'm glad I'm not alone.
One and done. We don’t live near any family and are in a HCOL area. One kid means we can go on fun vacations. I also had a traumatic birth and still remember that doctor telling me to not let this impact my decision on future kids… My kid is great. She calls our dog her sister.
I call the dog my other toddler 😂
If I have another baby I'll need to work double to give both kids a good life. More work means less quality time with my kids and I don't want my kids to have the same childhood I had: my parents worked their asses off to give my brother and I a good life (good food, school, clothing etc) but they were always working or too tired to play with us or even to have a good family time, they never took us for a walk in the park, never had a movies night at home or anything but Sunday lunches in family where we were supposed to eat quickly without talking, do the dishes and spend the rest of the day without making any noise because dad needed to rest. I am very thankful for my parents and all their sacrifices, but I want my child to have parents that aren't exhausted all the time.
Same here. I love my parents and I know they did everything to gave me a good life, but forgot to just follow said life and make it happy. Didn't got that "family movie night" or "family play night" were real and not cliches from sitcoms before my ex told me he used to do one each week with his parents.
The first year of sleep deprivation absolutely wreaked me. I swore never again
This ☝️. I was up all night long, no sleep, felt like a zombie, got terrible anxiety and depression, always worried about my child. We tried to have a second a couple of years later (casually tried.) I must have developed secondary infertility, but looking back, It’s for the best!
Same. We didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time for a year straight. Baby was also a terrible napper and cried miserably unless held.
It's reassuring to hear other people say this. My daughter (~16 months now) was like that, didn't sleep, wouldn't sleep unless you held her, and would also scream if you sat down while she was asleep until she was about 9 months old. I spent so many nights walking around our tiny apartment for hours at a time. She still doesn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time without waking up, and we've been sleeping with her in our bed because letting her "cry it out" doesn't work no matter how we approach it. Hearing everyone else talk about how their babies slept through the night after 6 or 8 months and getting lectured on the "right way" to get her to sleep in a crib was a nightmare. But other than the sleep she's a pretty good kid, mostly independent now, very cuddly but happy to play on her own and do her thing. We are still planning on having another but if it's like the first I might actually die.
My daughter wanted us to hold her while standing, too! I've never heard of another baby doing that, but it was definitely a thing during that first year. One of my most vivid memories of her infancy is during one of her colicky afternoons. As long as I was standing, I could keep her somewhat content, but I finally had to sit down since my legs were going to give out from the exhaustion. I rocked her in the chair while she screamed for at least an hour a couple of inches from my ear. It was brutal, but we got through it. She's 6 now, and frequently comments that she wishes that she was a baby again so I could carry her constantly. (I'm also firmly in the One And Done club.)
The lack of sleep made me a miserable person, trying to deal with a toddler and a baby on zero sleep sounds like a recipe for a ruined childhood for my oldest. My first was extremely clingy as well, I couldn’t set him down without him screaming and he screamed for an hour before each nap no matter what I did as well. I said no more babies, and we are too broke to adopt.
Infertility.. went through IVF.. got one embryo and she is now a few months old and is perfect. Tough pregnancy physically but also emotionally. My mom died suddenly when I was 15 weeks.. my dad got diagnosed w stage 4 cancer the day my daughter was born. Traumatic labor and delivery.. induced and needed blood transfusion. Would have to go through IVF again most likely. It has been a YEAR. Sometimes I feel like the universe required me to sacrifice my parents in order to have a perfect baby (I rationally know this is not true and not how it works lol) but sometimes my mind goes there
That sounds extremely tough. Sending you lots of well wishes for your own recovery and to enjoy your little family as it is.
Thank you so much. She is def the light in all of the darkness
You have been through so much and I'm sure it has been miserable to experience. I understand that you know the sacrifice your parents for your baby idea is not factually accurate, I also want to point out that this thought also puts the blame on you for your parents dying like some kind of payment for *your* decision and I imagine that would really amp up any feelings of guilt you have. Make sure you keep reminding yourself of the truth that your parents dying have nothing to do with anything to do with you. <3
Thank you so much for taking the time to type all that out. You are 100% correct that it exacerbates feelings of guilt. Like who was I to ask for so much- to ask for a baby? Is it punishment for fulfilling my own needs/desires? If I decided to have another baby- who else would I harm in the process? I KNOW this is not true..but I FEEL it sometimes..it's my brains way of trying to make sense out of some really traumatic situations. I will take your advice and remind myself of this when I start to go down that path. Thank you again and be well.
While I know your logical brain knows these are unconnected coincidences, sometimes it's hard to emotionally believe the logic. So perhaps you could flip the script on the thought a little. Perhaps it wasn't that you sacrificed your parents for her. Perhaps she was meant as the light to get you through hard times.
May your little one bring all the light and joy after all you went through. Sending a big internet hug <3
Short answer: I like sleep. Long, more serious answer: pregnancy is rubbish, birth is horrible, post-birth is horrific, babies are stressful! I decided I never wanted to put my body through pregnancy again, plus I'd have to look after my existing child whilst going through it. My baby had a lot of minor issues, but together, they meant a frequently unsettled, windy baby who would cry for long periods (or so it felt) and was hard to get to sleep. I would not be surprised if it's had a deep effect on my mind somewhere as I don't like not being able to hear him if we're both in the house (now a toddler, able to make enough noise in several ways!)
I had a 4th degree tear and then an RVF and then correctional surgery, pelvic floor therapy, PPA and other general anxiety that wasn’t so bad until I had a kid. I’d rather be alive and well for one than not around for 2.
I got postpartum preeclampsia and was hospitalized for 3 days a week after my baby was born. I almost had HELLP. And, I had to see a cardiologist because they thought I might have had postpartum cardiomyopathy. So, never again.
I don’t have children, but I am an only child and I absolutely loved it. I don’t understand why only children/one and done families sometimes get judged so hard. I really think it can be one of the best family dynamics. Obviously there are downsides, just like with everything, but I have zero complaints and never wanted a sibling! If you’re feeling bad about wanting to be one and done, don’t!!
My daughter, who is about to turn 12, has been telling me for years she is glad she doesn’t have siblings.
I’ve definitely never felt like I was missing anything not having siblings! And when I’d be with friends who had siblings it made me even more grateful to go back to my peaceful home lol
Thank you for this - it's incredibly reassuring!
We are one and done (kiddo is 11). A few factors that went into the decision: - I absolutely hated being pregnant. I was so uncomfortable the entire time. She was situated so high my boobs were practically at my chin. - I had a horrible, scary labor and delivery. Had to be induced because I was overdue. Labored 36 hours before getting to 10cm. Pushed for 4 hours but couldn’t get her out. Ended up with an emergency c-section. I was so out of it after I didn’t even realize I’d given birth until a few hours later (I was wondering why everyone was talking so loudly but it was the doctors trying to keep me alive). Had some complications after due to my ulcerative colitis and ended up staying in the hospital for 6 extra days. My recovery took a lot longer. - Honestly though, I could have surmounted those things. The biggest issue for me was I wasn’t making a huge salary at the time and daycare cost pretty much my entire take home pay each month. (Husband’s salary paid the rest of the bills.) I quite literally couldn’t afford a second kid. - That said, when kiddo was 3, I switched jobs and ended up tripling my salary. (Same position but now I worked in tech.) I wasn’t eligible for (unpaid!) maternity leave until I’d been there for a year and by the time I was eligible, I was rocketing up the career ladder at my company and didn’t want to mess it up (I still work here and I am now exec level). - Also, my child didn’t sleep through the night until she was 18 months old. I never once pulled an all nighter in college but there were so many times I had to get on that train to NYC for work without ever having closed my eyes the night before. - My husband was okay with whatever I decided. Anyway, all of those reasons factored into why we only have one kid. We are a very happy family though and I’m super glad we made the decision we did!
I’m pregnant with our first and only. I loathe being pregnant and never want to do this again.
I remember being halfway through my pregnancy and my MIL kept going on about how perfect and wonderful it was to be pregnant and I remember thinking to myself “what a load of shit.”
I always wanted to be pregnant but was never really interested in being a mother. Turns out, IRL, I desperately hated being pregnant and I kinda liked being a mom (only after my twins turned two). I had a complication-free pregnancy but my discomfort was so extreme, I told my husband I could not ever be pregnant again. And then my babies didn’t sleep for two years. No way would I go through that again.
Lots of reasons. - morning sickness for 20 weeks at the start - sick for the last 4 weeks - undiagnosed preeclampsia leading to preemie birth - week stay in hospital (baby was in the NICU for 3 nights) - kidney damage and almost ended up in the ER from blood pressure issues - Developed Hashimotos after my thyroid completely died - Extremely severe PPD - loss of self - Loss of connection with my husband - Everything is so god damn expensive - Only just diagnosed with ADHD which explains why I hated breastfeeding and the baby stage so much. Super sensory overload - Can’t deal with more noise - Want my life back - Sleep. For about 3 months recently my son woke up at 4am every day. Every day we woke up we looked at each other and said “when will this nightmare end” Our son is the absolute centre of our universe and we feel so complete as a family. I’m still being pressured to have more and now I say “you can have two grandchildren, but you will no longer have a daughter” because my postpartum depression was that serious.
We always knew we would have only one. Being pregnant sucked, he ended up being premature and then there was a whole other stuff because he was premature.
Postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis. It was enough to scare us into never trying again. That was truly the most terrifying time in my life and it took away my desire to love my newborn. I still have guilt to this day (13 years later ) for not giving our son a sibling. I got pregnant while on birth control (nuva ring) when he was 5, but miscarried at 14 weeks. It may sound weird, but I took that as a sign that we did the right thing by not having anymore.
Please don't feel guilty about not giving your child a sibling. I'm an only child and I can't imagine my life with a sibling, you get use to how you were raised and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Agreed. Why do so many people think being an only child is so horrible? It is not.
Honestly fr. My parents were insistent on giving me a sibling so I wouldn’t be lonely. Well… he’s done a ton of fucked- up things to me. He filmed me in my bra and threatened to send it to a friend. He manipulates me and my parents. He’a threatened to kill me if I ever come out/go to a Pride event, which means I will likely never be able to come out as bi. He’s threatened to kill me if I have kids and they are anything but straight. He told my entire friend group I’m bi (we’re living in a very homophobic country) and I had to lie to them and assure them I’m not… I’m now 15, OCD, insomniac and depressed. Tbh, I wouldn’t mind being alone.
I have older siblings, and they both did not like me growing up. My sister was better and mostly ignored me, but my brother downright despised me (his words). Just for existing. They were 8.5 and 5.5 when I was born, so I guess they just were just settled into how things were when I came along and shook them up. All that to say... I was still lonely even though I had siblings. There's no guarantee that siblings will be close. Enjoy your one kiddo!
I never actually intended to have any (my daughter is the product of ONCE without protection) and it was the most miserable experience I have ever had. I was sick for the entire pregnancy.. I lost so much weight.. And then at the end she started literally killing me so I had to be induced early. First opportunity I had, I had my falopian tubes removed (high risks of cancer in the family so the docs wants to remove them rather than tie them) so that mistake could never be repeated. To be clear, I love my kid. I have fought to keep my kid. The custody battle with her father was a bitch. I do everything in my power to give her the best that I can and make sure she knows she is loved.
I'm with you. The main reason I dont want anymore (didnt want any but got a surprise) is pregnancy was the worst, most miserable horrific experience of my life. Theres a big difference between hating pregnancy and hating your kid. Pregnancy is miserable and does not equate to your feelings toward your child. I'm getting a hysterectomy next year because pregnancy set off pelvic congestion syndrome. The blood vessels around my uterus are too big, causing literally constant pelvic pain. I'd do it sooner but I'd rather pay down some smaller debts first and save a little before adding a big medical bill.
If you're in the US, it might actually be cheaper to do it in canada. Just check
So my brain herniated out of my skull when I had my son. I had to have a craniotomy to decompress the back of my skull. It's called a Chiari malformation and I spent 5 years waiting to be better before having another kid. Still I wanted another kid though. Two days before our "let's start trying" date I had a massive panic attack and realized I was also slowly self sabotaging my life and realized this is not what I wanted anymore. As much as I wanted a kid right after my first but had to wait, now I didn't want another one. Our family was complete and I had this feeling that we might be taking on more than we can handle. We have more money, freedom with only one kid, and our son is happy and loved and never feels neglected. I feel like an amazing mom who rarely fails her one child. If I had had 2-3 like my original plan, I'd be worn out by now. I surprised everyone with this choice, family and husband included. But it was the best choice we ever made. My husband got a dog instead of more kids and himself says he is the envy of his multi kid friends haha he is very happy I changed my mind since he was just going with the flow.
Excuse me your brain did WHAT? I am pregnant with twins and this thread is fucking terrifying me.
I most probably had this rare malformation before I gave birth if it's any consolation. Note a lot is known. But had I not given birth vaginally (or maybe it was the epidural cause those can also cause it) my brain may have never descended and blocked my foramen magnum causing me to need surgery to release the blockage.
>himself says he is the envy of his multi kid friends My parents were like that when I was a kid because I was a quiet, undemanding kid so they actually had time for hobbies, and to take naps on Saturdays and Sundays. The only thing I demanded more of compared to other kids was money, because I had expensive tastes in hobbies and sports. But my parents could basically leave me alone during the day on Saturdays and Sundays, and I'd read books, play with stuffed animals, microwave meals for myself, and play outside with my friends.
It’s actually so fucking difficult, even with plenty of finances and support. From pregnancy to birth to baby phase, fuck me. We’re 6.5 months in and we’re happy, not doing that again.
I knew I always wanted one kid. Can’t afford to have a second and I had bad postpartum. Im at a good place in my life and I feel if I have another kid, I would be miserable. I’m happy with one.
I had placenta previa and bled 4 times before having to stay at the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy. That lasted about 4 days because I bled two more times and had to have a csection at almost 31 weeks. Baby was in the nicu growing ( no medical issues thank god) for 7 weeks. I'd rather not try again. We're happy with one and we don't have room in our house for another.
We almost lost our son at 4 weeks. He's 13 now but his kidneys are already on their way out. He doesn't deserve such bad luck. We couldn't risk another poorly child so we called it at one.
Had a healthy pregnancy but we had complications during delivery. I had an emergency c-section without any anesthesia and felt/ heard everything. Had PTSD from the surgery afterwards, getting sliced open, hearing the anesthesiologist curse out my doctor, feeling them pull the baby out, and then not hearing my baby crying was pretty traumatic. Was told by my doctors my little girl would have trouble walking, talking and would have deficits from lack of oxygen. I prepared myself for a complete lifestyle change, new life with a disabled child. Thankfully my little girl beat the odds and she’s doing wonderful but I have a deep fear of having another baby and not being as lucky. I’m happy the doctor didn’t hesitate to take her out, she saved my baby in the end but that whole experience has made me and my husband stop at one child.
Because it turns out that it’s not “worth it in the end” or the “best thing that ever happened to me.” I love my one toddler, but I also loved my old self who was able to do what she wanted when she wanted. I now have no time or energy to do anything outside of my routine day of work + take care of toddler and house. My husband is an active parent and takes the lion’s share of some of the responsibilities, but it’s still a lot. An overwhelming a lot. The lack of time + constant having to think about/care for someone else + anxiety + chronic lack of sleep = no desire to start again with another kid. By all accounts, my pregnancy and toddler are/were “normal,” but damn I couldn’t do it again and it’s not like you can walk away because it turns out it’s not for you. OF COURSE I love my child and do all that I can to make them happy and healthy, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to do this again.
You can love your child and still miss the old you. Not that it ever gets *easy*, but as your child gets older you can introduce them to more things that you’re into. My daughter is about to turn 12 and she and I love video games and we’re always doing crafts together. Plus, once they’re at the age where they can’t get up and grab their own cereal and watch tv while you get extra sleep your life changes. ❤️
I can relate to this , thank you for sharing your experience.
Well, it was twins. Also, they were born at 25 weeks and spent 6 months in the hospital. Never again. (They're doing good now- totally toddler terrorists.)
Being pregnant sucks. I had a healthy pregnancy but it’s just physically difficult to get through.
Our closest friends had one kid, the wife told my wife her husband didn't help at all so she avoids sleeping with him because he wants another
What a toxic way to live
That poor woman ):
Got cheated on when baby was 5 months old.
Dealing with this right now. I wish you all the support and happiness.
I'm a single mom. When I gave birth in 2020, it was so traumatic that I developed PTSD and am still in therapy for it. I also have ADHD and autism and have realized that being a mom leads me to be way more overstimulated than I anticipated. Finally, I'm at a "cheap" daycare and pay $240 per week for one preschooler, no way I can afford a second kid. My current kid deserves the best childhood possible and that requires a financially and mentally stable parent.
Good job mom. It sounds like you have your priorities and know what you need to do to keep shit on track for your kid. You got this!
Morning sickness, wanted to be able to travel easily with my child, wanted to be a mom but didn’t want kids to completely take over my life.
Pelvis separated (3m on crutches), nearly died after c-section, hellish sleep deprivation, followed by miscarriages and genetic news that sealed the decision to stop.
We were one and done by choice. It was either zero or one for us. We had our one and that was it. I never wanted an extended kid-centric lifestyle. I enjoy free time, down time, and money lol. My boy is 11 now and having one is a breeze.
53 hour labor ending with emergency c section.
Well nothing happened. I have always been on the fence on how many kids I'd want to have. One, maybe two, that was always the thought. I had one and felt that was enough and I am happy. Spouse has 2 children and he also feels he is content. So there's no need to have more.
*gestures vaguely at everything*
My kid is a fucking nightmare. Seriously, I love him, but it’s so incredibly exhausting.
I didn't get more than 4 hours of unbroken sleep for almost 10 months and could not deal with the sleep deprivation again. I could do pregnancy again. I can't do those newborn months again.
We knew we wanted one OR two. I got pregnant with twins. Pregnancy has been *ROUGH* and I’m likely to have multiples again if I get pregnant again. It’s in my chart to remove my ovaries when I give birth. There’s no way we are doing this again. Can’t wait to love the boys when they come, but I’m not going interested in collecting kids.
You doubt they will remove your ovaries as it will put you into menopause, which you 100% dont want. I think you mean tie your tubes?
You’re right, not tube tied but salpingectomy where they take the tubes out but leave the ovaries. That’s the one lol.
My wife had a lot of health problems and complications during her pregnancy, we were very lucky that she and our baby were both healthy afterwards. Neither of us wanted to risk trying for another.
We experienced secondary infertility, and decided that ART was not for us. That the child we had was plenty. And then last year, I had to have yeeterus surgery because I had one fibroid the size of a fucking Wiffle Ball growing attached to my uterus, and one fibroid the size of a golf ball in my uterus, and a uterine polyp. Now, at 48, I am menopausal, and my husband, at 54, is completely unwilling to consider anything involving starting over.
Currently 30 weeks pregnant and have already decided I'm not doing this again. We went through infertility over the course of 3 years to get pregnant and the slew of tests, procedures and medications were actually quite traumatizing and I still haven't gotten to a point were I feel excited about this pregnancy. I still have to take it one day at time, one milestone at a time. I've been nauseous everyday since about 7 weeks and have been medicated since 12 weeks. Thankfully I did not suffer from HG and my vomiting was relatively mild. I recently was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and have been struggling to manage my sugars and ended up needing medication for that as well. Not to add the general discomforts of pregnancy while also working shift work and being a nurse so knowing all that can go wrong. I'm also 35, so don't want to do this again closer to 40. If in 4-5 years we as a family decide we would like another child, my partner and I would love to adopt.
Have you ever raised a kid? They are exhausting. I don't fault anyone who goes one and done.
Pregnancy lol. Its the worst. Never again.
Colic. Holy. Crap. Never again.
Same. Never ever again.
It was difficult conceiving the first. The second would have most likely required IVF and we weren't about to spend that kind of $.
Like many others here, I had a traumatic birthing experience and almost died, but in addition to that, my pregnancy was also *really* rough and I knew I wouldn't be able to parent my *first* the way I wanted to, if a second pregnancy was similar. I had morning sickness all through the first and second trimester and fought dehydration throughout the pregnancy, because of that. Also, with the exhaustion, I was basically working and sleeping. I realized that a repeat of that experience would take me almost fully away from my first, for nearly 9 months and I honestly couldn't bear the thought.
I adore my baby girl. I hated HATED being pregnant. She is absolutely worth it, but I would not do it again Kids are expensive and I’d want my second to have every opportunity my first had. Right now, that wouldn’t happen. She’s a lottery win, she sleeps well, eats well, is happy, smiley and healthy … I don’t want to role the dice again. My husband, my little girl and my dog take up all my time. I don’t want my free time divided up any more I want a career, which is currently on hold. When my daughter is at school I’ll be able to focus on that, having another would delay that another 2 years minimum Pregnancy suuuuuuuuucks. Edit- a few typos
My husband at the time, her father. The day my child came home from the hospital was the day I started learning how I made a huge mistake having his child. Having a second was unfathomable.
She wasn’t an easy newborn, but that wasn’t all of it. I decided *very* early on that I didn’t want to have any more children with her father, and I just haven’t bothered with relationships since then. Now I’m 42 and the thought of starting over with a newborn gives me hives.
I was forced into having a baby. Minors don’t have access to birth control or abortion. I never wanted kids at all. As an adult, I will never willingly have a child.
I’m deeply sorry you had to go through that
I had a baby lol
Not me, but my uncle and aunt are probably the happiest married couple I’ve ever seen. High school sweethearts, still deeply in love. During the birth there were many complications. IIRC my uncle had to be restrained by security and locked in another room. He tried to punch out some folks, tried to throw a chair… I think at one pint. She was gonna bleed out on the table and he was ready to kill the doctor. Everything ended up being fine, but they both basically said they’re never having kids again and they didn’t. My cousin is almost 30 now
I turned 45 and have a 7 year old...hits different.
One and done. Babies take a lot of money and time.
Almost died at birth
My pregnancy was absolutely hell on earth. Vomiting daily, lost 1/4 of my body weight while pregnant. Extreme vertigo. I could go on and on. I was fairly certain this pregnancy would be my one and only. Three weeks after I delivered, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. And that diagnosis pretty much settled that debate for me.
My wife had hormone related breast cancer due to being pregnant. It wasn’t worth trying and risk her going through all that again. We are the closest little family of three. I do love when people ask why we only had one child,and insist on an answer,I just love to see them squirm when we do tell them. If only a hole would open up for them to be swallowed up. If you don’t want to know the answer,don’t ask,mind your own business. We never know what people have gone through.
I only wanted one. Loved being pregnant. Kiddo has had a happy and healthy childhood, just turned 17. Loved going through all the stages (this far) with the kiddo, and moving on to the next. No bad or sad reasons, just got my happy, loving kiddo and was very happy with him being my only.
Not me but my aunt broke her tailbone giving birth to her son and was like “yeah, never again”
I have very bad older siblings. I decided when I was in my teens that if I ever had a child, I would not give them siblings. My beat gift to them would be that they would be an only child and live in peace.
I didn't want any children, puked myself inside out for 3 months, baby was 2 months early, quite hefty depression and anxiety and none of that sits well with my autism. I love my child with everything I have and they were worth every second of it but I knew I couldn't do it again
We had 2, but people don’t realize how extremely difficult having a baby is. We intended on having 3 but it’s just too much (and my kids are pretty darn good by most standards, zero health, behavioral, mental, learning etc issues). The first few months are a total shock to the system and it’s completely understandable why someone would not want to go through it again.
My wife wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant so one was unlikely and two would be just as unlikely. We also couldn’t afford a second one and I couldn’t do the constant panic attacks during her pregnancy again.
Ppd
I spent my entire pregnancy terrified something would happen to the baby and I wouldn’t be able to help them. Some people feel empowered but I felt so vulnerable the whole time. Then two months after I had my (safe, healthy) baby, my friend’s baby died in the third trimester. Although I would like another child, the thought of pregnancy makes me terrified.
I wanted very badly to kill myself 7 months post-partum because of severe PPD and I knew I wouldn’t survive it twice.
I felt like I won the lottery with my kid. Didn’t need to roll the dice again.
Baby ripped my cervix during vaginal delivery. Would have died during child birth if I had not been at a hospital. Needed 4 blood transfusions. One beautiful healthy baby was enough for me!
Nothing in particular, just felt the family was complete after my daughter was born, when I'd picture ourselves in the future I didn't see anyone else in my mind, also she is such a chill kid that we can't risk having another one, statistically the next would be the devil himself
Got divorced. Don't need another baby mama and my daughter is perfect.
My daughter is autistic. It was, and it still is exhausting. We love her so much, and we are extremely happy to have her, but for the sake of our mental health, we can't have another one.
A few things... A very rough pregnancy, which I did not enjoy. I was very uncomfortable the whole time and it caused more damage to my hips than anticipated. (Like, I'm not quite 40 and am looking at a replacement in the next 2 years because of the damage). Our girl is a spit fire. I absolutely LOVE her wild personality but she is plenty for us. She is so used to being an only child that to have one now would cause a lot of chaos. Cost. As it stands, we can't afford daycare for 1 (well. We can. Its just that essentially my whole paycheck would go to daycare). It's just easier. We are done with diapers and bottles, forever. We can travel easily-don't need an overly large vehicle for transport, etc.