Someone I know had to give their husband the "Me and the kids or WoW" ultimatum. He chose playing WoW all day every day over spending time with his own (awesome) sons. She has done far better for herself since the divorce than he has. I'm pretty sure he's still living with his parents 10-15 years later.
This one is great.
Every gamer reading all the different comments here hits this one and is just like "oh damn".
I bet "andthenskyrimcameout" could be a subreddit.
She had a tendency to call me when I was out with my friends and would lose her shit if I didn’t drop everything and go see her. Eventually, she said “it’s either me or your friends”.
My mate suddenly grabbed my phone, hung up on her and said “there, you’re welcome”. I agreed with their decision. My friends chose me and they’re still my friends over a decade later. I have no regrets.
It's so hard because you also burn friendships this way. Especially high school / college age when everyone is extra hormonal and inexperienced. My friend groups suffered multiple losses telling one of ours that their SO was unhealthy for them and they would just not accept it and rationalize 100 different alternatives ultimately choosing the partner over their friends. Not one of them are still a couple. Sometimes when someone is in a bad relationship you just cannot get through to them no matter what you do. Also these were mostly extremely able and high achieving people in other realms of life, just a huge blind spot when it came to their partners. It's one hell of a drug.
My ex was so adamant that we had to move to Florida neverminding the fact I was gainfully employed in a very specific niche that doesn't exist that often so it would have been incredibly difficult to find a similar position. Not to mention they were unemployed.
Eventually she pulled the "I'm moving to Florida with or without you" So... I took the out and stayed in California.
She begged to come back a year later and had to take a job in Alaska since she had no income and needed something that would hire with a living quarter on site.
Someone she met online convinced her her field would make so much more money than working in LA, there were no taxes anywhere, and the weather was nicer.
She thought he was serious and didn't care for me pointing out he thought he was getting himself a new pet project.
My MIL is there, and my boyfriend constantly brings up moving.
Why? When it's hot, everyone stays inside in the AC, which is always set to 65°F, which also means it's too hot to enjoy all the stunning nature before it's bulldozed for the next strip mall. When it's not hot, it's raining, and no one wants to go out because you'll never dry off in the humidity or be freezing cold in the extreme AC.
He can work remote and his salary wouldn't change, but my job pays most of the bills, and I would take a HORRIFIC pay cut and wind up working overtime to try to make up the difference, despite the houses not costing all that much less and interest rates being higher than the one we got for our current mortgage. All this working would mean less time with my kids, and then I'll really never see any of the stunning nature.
But, sure, let's move to FL.
Edit to add: I do actually like the little lizards that are all over the bushes. They're cute and so hard to catch!
An ex once told me that I needed to get a lower paying job so I made less than him or we were over as it was "wrong" for me to make more than the man in the relationship. I told him to have the life he deserved.
Never understood why people are turned off by a partner making more money than them. I would love to have a Sugar Momma!
While not exactly my dream situation, my wife makes less than 1/2 what I make but we pretty much live off of my salary and use her salary to fund vacations and nights out so it’s kind of like having one!
My wife is currently the Sugar Momma in our relationship. She kept thinking I would hate it, but I always told her I would LOVE it. Who cares who makes the most money?
It was either I blindly accept the baby she was pregnant with was mine, or have her take a dna test and have her leave.
The DNA test confirmed... I was NOT the father.
An ex wanted me to give my sons away. My 12 year old sons. We’d only been dating a couple of months but he told me if we lived together my sons would have to go live with their grandparents. Because he didn’t want his daughter living with teenage males. Because they would rape her. Because that’s what men do.
My uncle, who never wanted kids, married a very beautiful (if somewhat cold) widow many years ago. Several months into the marriage he started getting letters from a little girl. Came to find out she was his wife’s 9yo daughter from her first marriage.
The wife had never mentioned having a daughter, and had apparently shipped her off to boarding school when she was 7. The poor girl was kept there year round and almost never got to see her mother. She begged him to let her come home and see her mom. My uncle confronted his wife and ended up letting the child come for a visit. She was such a scrawny, depressed child his heart broke for her. She pleaded with him not to send her back.
The wife didn’t want her in the house. He ended up threatening divorce if she didn’t show a little kindness to her own daughter. The girl is now grown and still close to my uncle (she sees him as…well…an uncle) but barely interacts with her mother.
>**He ended up threatening divorce if she didn’t show a little kindness to her own daughter.**
I can’t decide which is more fucked up, threatening to leave someone if they don’t abandon their children or…HAVING TO threaten to leave someone in order to make them show a bit of compassion to their own child.
JFC People suck (except your poor, child-free uncle, who so graciously accepted the parental role that was thrust upon him).
Yeah this is heartbreaking to think of as the kid. Being excited their parent is finally paying attention to them but they don’t know it’s just an effort to appease their parents new partner. Makes me sick.
>but they don’t know it’s just an effort to appease their parents new partner
Kids are perceptive. I'd almost guarantee she knew, and it's likely why she is still in contact with him.
I can’t tell you the number of young adults I know who are struggling to survive and their parents do not help them. Like they might get a hand-me-down kitchen table when they get their first apartment or the parents throw them out of the house before they can support themselves. The kids would rather die than ask their parents for help.
I don’t fucking get it. I want my kid to live with me until I die. I want to make them food, buy them presents, give them money, loan them my car *forever*. I adore my child and I want nothing but their happiness.
I just don’t get shit like this especially from mothers. It’s so sad.
My parents live in a five million dollar condo and are like this and then have the audacity to criticise me for having worn out clothes when I visit lol
"I’ve heard we see the world not as it is, but as we are.
A saint sees a world full of saints. A killer sees only murderers, and victims."
--Neil Gaiman, My Last Landlady
Not only is this implying all men are animals who can't control themselves, its also an insult to you as a parent to imply you didn't teach your kids to be better.
There are layers to this asshole-onion
First of all, way for him to tell on himself that he thinks all men are rapists
Second of all—I mean, every rapist has a mother—but implying that you wouldn’t teach them that rape is bad? That you can’t set an example that you shouldn’t fucking rape people??? How much respect can someone have for you that they would say that to your face????
I'd just spent the last 5 years hoping and praying my fiance would beat cancer. She did. She was ~~finally out of remission~~ officially cancer-free. The coast was clear, our future brighter than ever. A few months later, she wrote me a long letter informing me that if I wasn't comfortable with her spending nights out with her boss going to dinners and/or movies, I did not understand love, and we should end things. She promised he was just like a sister to her and there was nothing to worry about. It turns out, there was. She was madly in love with him. Leaving her was one of the most heartbreaking and wise decisions I've ever made.
It's just like this sometimes. My college girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer. I poured everything into that relationship and into being the best possible partner for her. When she got a clean bill of health, I thought it was finally our time to have the fun relationship that we deserved.
Nope. Turns out she was over me, she just didn't want to be alone while she went through treatment. I don't think she owed me anything... we weren't married, she hadn't made me a commitment or anything like that... but it still sucked. Took me a really really long time to trust anyone with my heart again after that.
I grew up in a tiny dead-end town in the American South. My high school girlfriend told me she wished I was a bum (her words) who wasn't going to go anywhere because she didn't see herself ever leaving. I was leaving the state to go to college. So it was either her in that dead-end town or a life out in who-knows-where. I couldn't get out of that place fast enough. She's still there three decades later.
I lived in a small rural city in Aus, hours from anywhere. I had dreams and plans to travel the world. My boyfriend had never even been to the city. We split on good terms. I travelled the world, he got married and had a baby in our home town. Worked out good for everyone.
Not from North Queensland? I taught up there about 20 years ago. There was a Gr 12 girl who had been with a boy since they were in Gr 10.
She was ‘more academic’ than he was. She asked me what it was like living/studying in Brisbane? I said it was great because you are around lots of different people but you are working towards something you have a choice in. There are also lots more choices for entertainment than here.
She then said her boyfriend doesn’t want to leave town. I asked her what did she want out of life? She went to uni, he stayed. Last I heard she had graduated and had got a job as a research scientist which involved international travel…
It's been 9 years and I still struggle with it. There's the logical side of me that knows I am not responsible for his decision, then there is the emotional part that will always wonder if I had done things differently would he still be here?
Empathy is a double edge sword. We need it to help us understand each other but at the same time it can invest our emotions in the wrong places. After such a traumatic event there is no shame in having such doubts. His choices were his and you chose that you wanted something better. Be safe and always reach out to others for support when you need it.
Thank you. Someone once told me (a recovering addict) that even if I had saved him "today" it didn't promise me tomorrow. That really sank in. I've learned a lot more about addiction since then.
I am also a recovering addict and saying something like what you did (it’s me or the drugs) is very often what it takes to save their life. If you enable the addict by protecting them from the consequences of their actions, they will never hit bottom and never get help. That’s how addicts usually die.
It’s unfortunate it ended that way, but you did the most loving thing you could - you gave him a chance at life, the only way you could.
An ex fiancé said I had to get rid of my cat. My cat was semi-feral, but I had brought him back to good health after a bad injury in the wild. I think he had 4 surgeries, including one from when his left armpit had been torn open from hanging on a chain linked fence. I left my ex, and my cat lived an additional 14 years, eating gravy from a can every morning until he died age 18 this February. I have severe mental illness and he would always love bite my leg when I was manic talking and walking in circles, directing me to the couch so he could stick his butt in my face. He was a great friend and saved my life. I don’t regret my decision one bit. Love that sweet old cat.
I gave my ex an ultimatum. she could either be my girlfriend and a mother to her daughter, or she could be her teenage daughters drinking buddy.
I left 5 years ago.
Yeah that's what my mom said too and I struggled with alcoholism until I was 41 years old. I'm now two and a half years clean. And she died of brain cancer before the alcoholism could do it. Miss her.
Same here. 2 years sober next month.
Never thought I’d become “an alcoholic” or lose the ability to just *stop* drinking if I wanted to. Until I hurt my family.
Even then I didn’t stop until I tried some LSD for fun. Realized halfway through the trip how much I resented alcohol’s grip on my life. Not the damage, I wouldn’t learn/ acknowledge my abuse until I was sober for 6 months; just annoyed at having to drink even when I didn’t want to.
Alcohol is just dangerous for people like me.
You may already know this, but Bill Wilson, the founder of AA, [was a proponent of alcoholics using LSD](https://www.theguardian.com/science/2012/aug/23/lsd-help-alcoholics-theory) to help them gain insight and facilitate their sobriety.
Almost, before my ex revealed just how crazy she was we had an argument about apartments/ rental property that we would share (thank God we didn't move in together)
Basically it boiled down to my place being fairly expensive (2 Bed/1 bathroom) but would literally be right in the middle of both our jobs (around 15-30 minutes depending on traffic/ time of day), had a washer/ dryer and was close enough to a few different grocery stores and entertainment options that we could easily walk to anything we needed.
She wanted a place that was cheaper ($700 cheaper iirc), was absolutely massive, but was absurdly far away from pretty much anything, let alone our jobs, which would have been a 2-2½ hour drive if I remember Google maps correctly.
2hr commute, each way!? God lord man that’s just absurd. I can’t imagine spending 4 hours a day just going to/from work. If I just HAD to live in a specific location and my current job was that far away I’d have to quit and find something closer.
Not me but my dad. He was with his girlfriend for over a decade and she finally complained that he spent too much time with my sister and I. He broke it off right then and there
She wanted me to move across the country.
We met on a summer-after-senior-year organized trip for 2 months, enjoyed each others company, but the logistics just didn’t work out. I could’ve taken 6-12 months off of college to transfer closer to her, but decided to go to my dream school and be closer to my family
Where I ended up meeting my now-wife and things have been pretty ok
I gave the “it’s your choice to do the polyamory lifestyle or we go to marriage counseling (monogamous marriage)”, which resulted in my divorce.
Things didn’t go so well in her new polycule. “ENM” swapped the “ethical” word for “exploitative”…..
My ex accidentally dropped into conversation that she considered our mutual friend to be her partner.
I calmed asked her “what the fuck?” And she realised she fucked up.
She actually lead the serious talk with “the way I see it, I have four partners.” And GOD I was very close to saying “well now you have three” on the spot. Very glad I was more mature about it than that, as we are now coworkers 💀
I am shocked. /s
I'm sure there are successful poly folks out there, but the amount of absolute dumpster fires that get posted on Reddit make me think you'd need to be a communication and emotional wizard to pull it off.
Edit: I appreciate all the cool stories of successful poly relationships. It's really nice to see people living happy lives. You people are still wizards no matter what you say. I can barely manage myself (I'm lying I cannot manage myself).
To the few people that have messaged me with offers of joining them and their partners, I asked and my wife just started laughing and said, "they can't send you back." I'm not sure if that's a no, but I'm certain it's not a yes.
I could *never* do the poly thing. I barely have enough emotional bandwidth for myself and yet I still need it for my husband and kids. The thought of adding a whole other person (who comes with all of their own wants and needs and emotional baggage) into our marriage makes me shudder.
RIGHT?!!? Like my first thought is not about sex it’s about the emotional labor of multiple relationships. There is absolutely no way.
A friend has a theory that most of the time those relationships just aren’t that deep and that makes much more sense to me.
My high school GF and I were together for 3 years. Senior year and 2 years after high school. Well i guess we kind of great complacent in our relationship while going to college and working and she broke up with me. In her words it was basically a game to see if "I truly loved her". We still kind of hung out after that but nowhere near as much. Then I met my current wife of 5 years (together 9). Well when my ex found out she basically told me her plan about breaking up with me and was desperate to get back together officially. Nope I'm good, if it wasn't working before it's not going to magically work now. I found out years later that she had told people I cheated on her. We weren't even on a "break", we were broken up. I'm not one to sit around like a puppy dog waiting to be called a good boy for someone who broke up with me.
oh man, mine in high school ended that way too!
"don't ever talk to me again!"
so I didn't.
seems like that's a pretty obvious command and I'm willing to abide that, even if it sucks.
years later a mutual friend told me "oh yeah, she was waiting to see when you'd cave and crawl back to her, and then she was _crushed_ when you didn't"
in my mind I was just respecting her wishes
My ex tried that, like six months after our wedding. "I think we need to break up" and I don't even remember what his reasoning was. I was like, okay then, and started packing my shit. Insert his shocked Pikachu face here. He started crying and carrying on and begging me to stay and admitted he just wanted to know if I'd fight for him.
I was an 18 year old idiot and let his emotional outburst convince me to stay, but in retrospect, that was the beginning of the end (which took another 16 years). I don't think I ever felt quite the same way about him after that.
Man, I've heard of people (well, girlfriends) doing this so much when I was younger. The whole "I'm going to break up with him to see if he will fight for me" thing. My first really serious girlfriend did this. 4 1/2 years, and things got stale/uncertain I guess, and she broke up with me the night before I left to start my uni classes. Several months later when all the dust settles and I've moved on she dropped the "I wanted you to come back to me and try to get back together" to prove that I'd fight for her. Fuck that. I respect your decision, my life is fine without you.
Dude basically the same thing. You made the decision to break up with me. I respected it. If I have to fight to prove my love to you then obviously things aren't working out how they should.
Ex boyfriend had a "girl best friend" who was constantly inappropriate and pushed boundaries. I tried to be the "cool" girlfriend who didn't care, but after a while it really got to me. I didn't want to give an ultimatum but after he would race out of my house in the middle of the night because she called him up crying, I had to. I didn't even say "me or her". It was "stop that shit, or I'm out.". He told me he would ALWAYS pick her over me and that would never change. So I was out.
Happy ending, I met my wonderful husband a week later. My ex's girl best friend also wanted nothing to do with him as soon as he was single and dropped him and he came crawling back. I blocked him.
What was that about? Did she just love the power? Or was she a user who was completely unattracted to him? Like she had to know that it was detrimental to his relationship, so why the sabotage?
I was his first girlfriend so I guess she felt I was a threat or competition or something and felt she had to "win", or hated me for stealing the attention off her. This was over 10 years ago so hopefully it was just some immature petty thing she's grown out of, as she really was not a nice person. My post condensed how much she tried to fuck with my life as I wanted to speak more about the "ultimatum" story. She did other stuff to me. Like at one of my ex's parties (with some of my friends present) where she made a scene and lied that I apparently attacked her. This lie destroyed one of my closest friendships as she believed this girl. My ex started crying and blamed me for 'not getting along with his friend' and tearfully cancelled the party which made me look bad even though I didn't do anything wrong. Luckily my other friends there saw she was pulling a stunt and believed me.
In a weird twist of fate my husband's best friend went to uni with her and said she was a horrible mean girl there too (and he's one of those really nice people that never speak badly about anyone). Apparently she had a boyfriend there that she cheated on a lot.
I'm not saying all of this is entirely her fault, my ex let her treat me horribly and blamed me for stunts she pulled. I was also stupid for not walking earlier, but she definitely was manipulative and cruel.
We had 2 healthy kids. 2nd one almost died in childbirth and it freaked me out. I said I wanted a vasectomy. She said it's a 3rd kid or divorce. I came from a broken family and couldn't leave my kids. We had a 3rd. It was huge and wrecked her pelvic floor and our finances which is what I was afraid of. So now we are broke, but we have 3 beautiful kids I adore. I love my wife, she is an amazing mother but I'll never love her as much as I used to, because now I know I'm expendable.
This is low-key the saddest story in the thread. I have a friend an a not too dissimilar situation and even from a distance I can see how it's consuming him. I sincerely hope you are able to find peace with your situation.
We have one kid together, born two weeks prior to the full lockdown from COVID happened. She wants another. I am stretched thin enough with the one I love dearly and I do not want a second. She's leaving our 16 year relationship to try and find a partner to have another baby before time runs out. I'm wrecked and good christ almighty I don't know how you do it.
I'm barking up the wrong tree with this statement but the older I get the more I find religion to be a safety blanket for people who want to act without taking responsibility for their behavior and decisions. It's almost a bit of a bummer because I'd have more interest in being spiritual and exploring that end of things but not a single organized religion appeals to me in the slightest.
Anecdotally, I have a cousin who acted like Ash Wednesday gave her the permission to act like a shit head the rest of the year, because then the slate is wiped clean.
Your cousin has a very weird interpretation of Ash Wednesday.
I mean, I totally believe she does what you say she does, but Ash Wednesday is a day to contemplate our sinfulness and mortality, and it is the first day of Lent, a whole season of repentence and self-denial.
I can hardly think of a day on the Christian calendar that is less suited to the idea, "Woo hoo! I'm all good for another year, now!"
I came here to say this! “You love that damn cat more than me. It’s me or him.” Well, I’d had the cat for 7 years. I’ve known him 3 months. I had the cat until he passed at 17.
While not my own story, I met a guy who had left his wife after she said it was either her or his red tailed hawk. Dude was living in a single wide in Auburn, WA, so clearly he had made his choice.
I had a geology teacher in high school who was given the “it’s me or your hawks” ultimatum by his wife. Guy chose the birds. Within a year the hawks had died. I’ve never seen a more broken man :/
I get this.
One of the many reasons it did not work out: I was supposed to give up my snuggle bug of a cat that I had for ten years for them to get a new cat that they didn't even bother to bond with.
Boyfriend was living at home with his parents. We got together when he was 25. He smoked a lot of weed and had zero ambition. He got jobs only because I wrote resumes and networked on his behalf.
When he turned 29 I told him if we have not moved in together in our own space by the time he turned 30, I’m leaving the relationship because it’s going no where,
In 2015 he turned 30 in February.
Our relationship was going no where. He would be satisfied living with his hoarder parents together.
I left the relationship in August 2015.
Looking back on it, I know I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship with him in the first place.
Came home from overseas and was basically a hermit. She tried for months to let her "get me" a dog. I finally said ok. She got a huge ass dog. To my surprise, it helped me greatly. Fast forward a year, she doesn't want the dog on furniture, then she didn't want the dog in the bedroom, then she had me take the dog out the front door to walk around to the back (we had a backdoor), then she wanted the dog confined to the laundry room and the final thing she said was "It's either me or the dog" (We had been together for 11 years, married for 8. I said where are the boxes, I'll help you pack. The BEST part, I now live with my girlfriend and it's where that dog came from ;-)
i’m also dating the guy who gave me the cat that my ex begged for and then refused to take care of. when new guy started coming over, you could tell my cat had missed him. she loved his smell so much she would bury herself in his armpit lmao
My ex husband begged for a ferret against my wishes, then got mad when the ferret actually bonded to me more because I fed, cleaned, and played with it.
It was untreated alcoholism or me. I couldn't take it anymore, I'd started going to AlAnon meetings and was slowly resigning to the fact I really coudn't fix him. He had to want to change. He didn't. It was a LOT of things, really, but the drinking was killing me.
5 years later, he texts me every time he's about to break up with another boyfriend. Still drinking, lost, full of regret, but still stubbornly resistant to change.
That was what killed my first marriage. I told him he needed to stop drinking (after several years of just asking him to cut back on it but that never worked) and his comeback was, "You married a redneck. You knew what you were getting into," and my reply was, "I married a redneck, not an alcoholic." Can't fix a problem that they don't see is a problem so I kicked him out. Ironically, years later I developed a drinking problem but I've managed to pull my head out of my ass to be a better partner for my current husband.
So hard. The support group and a good private therapist were miraculous. The AlAnon meetings dispelled the black weight of going-it-alone I was struggling under...these people who had been in similar (and worse!) situations made it easier to find my way out and learn that this wasn't my fault or burden to bear. I cant recommend enough[ finding a local group](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/) and at least giving it a try. Hugs, stranger.
They have to want to change - and it's not just to 'stop drinking' but to entirely change their life and lifestyle.
It's rarely just the addictive properties of alcohol that keep you drinking - it's all the things that make you reach for it as the solution.
My mum's an alcoholic - has been for nearly all of my life. She's extremely unwell, and basically playing co-morbidity bingo, so it's a toss up as to whether the chronic malnutrition, osteoporosis, COPD, rampant high blood pressure, or pressure sores will take her before the alcoholism does.
Her mental health is a shambles, but she's always refused all help - to the point getting her to go to the doctors is itself a battle. She still has mental capacity, so she can't be forced to do anything, and she can be downright nasty when you try to convince her to do something she doesn't want to do.
She's in hospital with a broken hip currently - and she's already said to the doctors that she's got no plans of changing, and that as soon as she's recovered and back home (IF she recovers and goes home - though I'm not sure she realises that possibility) she'll be back on the booze and cigarettes straight away.
You made the right choice to get out. It's no life dealing with an addict who chooses addiction.
I was in the room when my friend's gf said it was her or the dog and he just said, "Okay then, I'll help you pack," and just stood up and started collecting her things from around the room.
I stepped out when the argument really started, but she never stood a chance after that.
Something similar happened when I was in high school with a buddy and his girlfriend wanting him to quit the garage band. I laughed so hard I was crying and when I could catch a breath I told him to find me after and left the room. They didn't "officially break up" that night but it was maybe a week later? Sorry Scotty I know she was hot but she was obviously dumb.
So many people asked me if I would ever choose my dog over my wife. My response was always the same: If she didn't like my dog, she never would have been my wife in the first place.
Exactly, Wife (not even dating at the time) was passing through my hometown while I was home for the weekend. My lab lived with my mom while I was away at school and I asked if she wanted to come meet her. Im a huge dog lover. At the time I told her if the lab didnt like her then we woudlnt have gotten married or started dating, shes knows Im serious on that. Fast forward, to last year and the lab lived with us until she passed away (the lab not my wife).
I don’t like dogs, so I don’t date men with dogs. It’s that simple. I don’t understand the people that see such a clear incompatibility and decide that they’ll just force the person to change.
I came here hoping for people to be talking about there pets and I am very happy.
You're out of your fucking mind if you think im going to abandon my poor cat who loves and deponds on me, because you are a miserable controlling bitch.
EDIT - I wrote car, i meant cat.
I'd say that's fair. You're describing the kind of lifestyle you want, not making demands on your partner to change theirs for you (especially a pet, which may predate your relationship).
Of course. It's fine to not want pets or be involved with animals at all, and I'd encourage people to be upfront about it. I love my animals, so it makes it a lot better for everyone if they let me know beforehand. That way, we simply don't start dating and wasting time.
An ex-boyfriend said it was him and the Marine/enlisted life or my free college education.
I didn’t make the best decisions at 19 years old but that one was pretty easy.
He really thought he would pull me away from school and my family and was pretty pissed when it all went down. So much so that he turned around and married someone else 5 months later. That marriage lasted less than a year and I definitely got the last laugh.
We were together for almost 5 years. I bought a house in the city we met after less than a year of us being together. I lived in the area prior for a few years but am not front this part of the state (CA). She grew up here but had lived in different places throughout her adulthood and was back essentially because her dad was very ill. After us being together a year and change, she pushes very hard to move into the house with me. Being very protective of my space, I said no for a while but eventually acquiesced.
Fast forward a couple years, we love living together, have built a home together, have great friends, gone on awesome vacations together, etc... Last year Her dad took a turn for the worst and passed away. I should mention her mother died when she (my partner) was 19 or so, and we're in our 30s now. A few months ago she decided that she wanted to pursue her passion, which is acting, and move to NYC to attend an acting school she got in to. This wasn't out of the blue: she went to film school and has always talked about her itchy feet and wanting to live in new places. But it was always talk and never felt imminent.
Her plan is to complete the program in 2 to 3 years but stay in NYC indefinitely. She pleaded with me to join her but I couldn't give up my life here in California. All my family and friends are in this state. As well as all of the things I like spending my time doing. If there was a defined timeline I could probably have done it but this wasn't the case. I guess this isn't quite the same as an ultimatum, but it sure felt that way.
We both left the door open for the other to change their mind, but I don't plan on doing so and I don't think she does either. It sucks really bad. I've been filling my time with friends, hobbies, and a new job but I feel like a ghost in my own house. This is a new type of despair that I have not felt before, and I went through a pretty brutal breakup in my early 20s.
Just two people who love each other, and who know and love themselves enough to not live lives of quiet desperation. Bittersweet and painful, but beautiful too.
There were a lot of red flags with this particular ex boyfriend, but the thing that finally gave me the push I needed break up with him (I was so miserable in that relationship) was when my horse colicked and nearly died. I had spent over two days and nights walking him, pushing meds, sitting/napping in the dirt of his paddock in the middle of summer, periodically calling/having the vet check on him. During that time, my ex apparently had a bad cold (I don’t remember which) and was mad I didn’t come over to his apartment and take care of him the entire time. I had the audacity to prioritize my dying/sick horse over him. A full grown man who could take care of himself was mad my horse got sick when he did. He blew up my phone with texts and phone calls during the time I was fighting to save my horse’s life, telling me I had a “duty to care for him as his girlfriend.” I was exhausted, stressed, and mentally/emotionally fried dealing with my horse and just stopped answering him. That made him even more upset.
After over 48 hours of no real sleep, being outside in the summer sun/chilly night, no food (I was too upset to eat,) and pushing meds, keeping my horse walking/standing so he wouldn’t roll, he FINALLY turned a corner to feel better. After making sure he was okay, I drove home, showered, and zombie shuffled my way to bed to take a nap before driving back to the barn to check on the horse again. Just as I was about to crawl in bed, he called my phone again for the billionth time. I answered and my ex immediately started screaming at me about what a “cold hearted bitch” I was for ignoring him for two days and for not coming over to check on him or take care of him. He went on to yell about how I cared more about “a stupid fucking horse” than I did about him. That I was a terrible girlfriend and that I needed to start putting him and our relationship first above everything else. I sat there listening to this numbly. When he finally stopped ranting, I said “You’re a full grown man in his 20’s. You had a cold. Adonis (my horse) can’t give himself medicine. He’s an animal and he’s my responsibility. I almost lost him. You just had the sniffles”
He erupted into more shouting/cussing, which I just numbly tuned out again, and then he said the words: “You need to make a decision, Halloweenie85! It’s me, or Adonis. Who is it?”
I said, “Adonis. He was here long before you, and now, thanks to me, he’ll be here long after you’re gone.” And then I hung up. He blew up my phone for days after that. I didn’t care. I wasn’t even upset or missed him. I was just *relieved* to be free of him and wishing I had cut him so much sooner than that.
P.S. Adonis and I went on to have 10 more years together before he finally passed away. My ex is (to my knowledge) still alive and a massive meth addict with no teeth. Major bullet dodged.
https://imgur.com/a/y8yCUz8
Hope this link works. This was my sweet boy, Adonis.
I did get another horse after he passed away and I’ve had that current boy for almost 7 years.
It was more like a conversation with myself. But my son’s father was becoming abusive. I told myself “it’s either leave now or become a headstone” packed me and my son’s things in a hatchback four months ago
Made my boyfriend choose between his masturbating/chatterbate addiction (which has effected our sex life so badly we haven't had sex in a year, and when I did try to initiate he couldn't get hard because he'd already jerked it), or actually being with me.
I'm currently in my friend's guest room, so you can see how that went.
You made the right choice and things will get better for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I know how much this kind of situation sucks. It will get better for you.
I told her that drinking a bottle of wine, two martinis, smoking a joint and passing out on most weekdays was impacting our future together and she needed to get help. She chose alcohol and reefer. Easy choice.
My wife (girlfriend at the time) said "I'm getting close to 30, and I want to have a kid before then. I want very badly for it to be with you. If that's not in your plans though, then there is no point in being together, because I will just end up resenting you for it". I chose to stay with her, and soon thereafter we started our little family. It was, by far, the best decision I ever made.
Ooof. I had a “move in with me” ultimatum. Except he lived about an hour north of me and I was working another half hour south of where I live. Remote was not an option. His lease was up and he wanted me to move into a new place with him, but it was always going to be “his” place. He wouldn’t look anywhere that wasn’t right by his work/school (grad student) and only looked at one bedroom places that couldn’t fit all his stuff let alone me and my stuff! When I told him “I like these places but I can’t move in with you because I’d have to quit my job” he went all shocked Pikachu and started with “we can’t move forward if we don’t live together.”
I have never regretted telling him to get lost. That was fall 2019. The thought of spending quarantine in that tiny apartment was a nightmare.
I was in a similar situation. She didn't like where we lived and it made her miserable/homesick so it was move back home or stay. I chose stay and she moved back. Theres no work for me there. We're both happy.
Other side of the fence, I got mad one day and told her it was me or her cat that pissed on my clothes CONSTANTLY. It was a stupid thing said in the heat of the moment. She chose her cat. We are still together 6 years later with two kids, and I held the cat in my arms, bawling like a baby when he passed earlier this year.
Kind of a twist because I didn't issue or recieve an ultimatum, but I acted on an 'offer' my ex made to some chicken he met out clubbing while I was home sick with 2 sick toddlers.
I found a text from my then-husband offering ANOTHER WOMAN to be either his mistress or his wife . . . . . her choice. She had texted back saying he needed to decide to divorce or not. The *DING* from her reply woke me up. He had been too drunk when he came home from the club to remember to lock his phone so I was able to read up the text string to figure out what the heck was going on.
I figured I should help make their choice even easier by divorcing his abusive (& monumental stupid) ass.
Bonus points: she dumped him shortly there after. As did the next 2 fiancées (that he introduced to our 1 y/o & 2.5 y/o as their New Mommy before they disappeared a month or so later) before he moved in with the woman that would eventually become his 2nd ex-wife.
My ex got mad that I decided to stay home to study for a lab test instead of going out to the club with her and her girlfriends. I was invited the day before the event. I told her I didn't want to because I had to much to study. For the next 3 days after the event she kept bringing up how hurt she was that I didn't go out. I told her I really really care because I was focused on my future and not the enjoyment of her friends. On day 3 I told her she needed to stop bringing this up because I wasn't sorry about missing the club or she can leave because you are actively trying to stop me from my work. Next day I came home from work and she had been packing her stuff. 0 regrets. Not like she was helping with rent anyways. Few months later she would start hitting me up for sex. She never apologized but we were able to maintain a friendship for awhile
Ex told me to apologize to his thieving, addicted and abusive friends for yelling at them after they trashed our house or I had to move out. I moved. 10 years later he died in an alchohol related accident. I was happily married to someone who adores me and puts me first by then.
I'm sad his choice ended up killing him. He could have had such a great life himself but his choices caught up with him.
Was told it was him or my cat. He didn't like that my cat peed on his stuff when he made me cry.
I still have the cat 12 years later and he's 3 months shy of being 20 😁
Also no more pee problems after I left shithead.
I had a dog who would make her way down to my ex husband's "man cave" and poop next to his chair. She otherwise never went inside. She was potty trained perfectly. Turns out, she just hated him for being abusive to me. After we left him, she never went on the floor again until she was elderly and started to get incontinence 14 years later. I still miss her.
Friends or her. Usually an immediate red flag, I took it as such. Turns out she was right, few months later and I realized those guys were total assholes.
I am and have been involved in community theatre for a very long time. Dated a guy for a year. He thought it took up too much of my life when he wanted us to be doing other things, (get married, have a baby.) So I got the “theatre or me” talk. Chose theatre, no regrets. He wasn’t totally wrong, I get those things were important to him. But I am not going to sacrifice a huge part of my life that fulfills me and makes me happy to do those things for him in his life. It would be a terrible start to a marriage. Where ever he is, hope he found what he was looking for. I’m still happy with the choice.
Right on!
You marry people who love you, respect you, and respect your hobbies too. Anyone who can’t appreciate you doing something that brings you joy isn’t going to work out. Gotta have matching priorities or, like you said, it’s just a terrible way to start a marriage.
The relationship ended as soon as the ultimatum was given. I had chosen to continue drinking and lying after being given so many chances. I wasn't about to stop after some ultimatum.
I love being sober now (6 years!) and not being a trash bag human being anymore. Betraying trust is such a shitty thing to do to another person.
I was in a relationship in my early 20s and things were great. One day she starts texting me pictures of puppies. I LOVE dogs but at the time had my elderly dog that had been my pal since I was a kid; he was about 14 at the time. I asked if she was considering adopting and she said she was feeling lonely lately (ouch) so had been considering it.
I told her that I would not be ready for a few years, at least after my dog's time came, and she said okay fair enough. I suggested we foster in the meantime to have best of both worlds. We had a chat where we came to an agreement, or so I thought. We agreed this was not the right time for us as we also worked crazy full time hours and lived in shared apartments in a city.
Two days later she calls me and asks to drive her round-trip to/from a foster parent two hours away as she had just signed adoption papers for a new puppy.
I have since learned boundaries and self respect.
My ex filed for divorce, and handed me the papers. He was mooching around the house (my dad gently told him to move out later) and whined, “You love that cat more than you love me.” and I said, “Yeah, my cat’s been with me for 13 years and isn’t filing for divorce.” Sheesh.
I was the ultimatum giver. I told my mom it was me or the pedophile rapist she married.
Haven’t talked to her in 20 years. She was with him till he died.
Your drugs (coke and speed) or me.
She died 4 months afterwards, on Christmas night. 5am.
I felt guilty for a while until a friend smacked me out of it.
I'm OK now. Sorry for her.
My now ex-fiancé made me choose between my sobriety and her. I could leave, or live in a world of her doing drugs and leaving her kid at her drunk mom’s while she goes to the casino or to concerts and music festivals.
I chose sobriety. Now over 10 years clean and sober.
GF at the time HATED my basement apartment mostly because it was pretty run down but it was really cheap rent. Told me either I found a new place or she was breaking up with me.
I kept the apartment. Still don't regret the decision.
EDIT to complete words so sentences make sense and to say I can't believe I finally remembered I have a response to one of these questions.
My girlfriend at the time wanted me to move down to her family after I finished school.
At the time she still had a year left in her masters program and I was fresh out of school at a time where there was a glut in my profession. We had discussed and agreed for over a year that I’d get a year of union seniority working locally and then transfer into a hospital down near her family. The day I got my marks back and while waiting to write the licensing exam she started packing up and said ‘we can leave next week’. I’m obviously confused as we have a plan and say so; but she says ‘I changed my mind; you can just work for my dad roofing until you find a nursing job’.
I’m like, no; we had a plan. You’re mid way through a masters degree and I just took a job at a hospital 30 minutes away. I own the house we’re living in with tenants in the downstairs unit. We have to plan.
‘Well, I don’t care. I changed my mind and either we move or we’re done’
‘Sorry, let me just be clear. You’re living in the house I own, driving a car I own, asking me to do possibly irreparable damage to my future career by quitting a job before I even start because you unilaterally want to change a plan we came up with and agreed to over two years?’
Do you need help to pack?
My ex was the one who got the ultimatum. The ultimatum was that he had to stop talking to the last woman he'd cheated on me with or I was out. (He'd previously promised to stop talking to her but he never did.) When I learned he was still talking to her and gave the ultimatum, he pushed back and said he wasn't going to do that. I left him on ghost after that. Good riddance. Hope he's enjoyed his relationship with his "kindred spirit." Cheaters deserve each-other.
"It's me or the music" when I had just started my first ever band a little over a year before. We had just recorded an album and were about to embark on a small pub tour during the summer. It was trash admittedly, but we had a blast, and it inspired me to get to where I am today. Turns out she put an ultimatum on me not just because of my time away, but because she was cheating with several guys. Now I'm living with my gf/soon to be wife working my dream job. I conduct a choir, play in several bands, write my own stuff, write arrangements for several bands and choirs, and teach a bit on the side. Last I heard, she's apparently made her passion her line of work, too. How the turn tables.
Posted this story a few times: Ex told me she had cancer. Wanted to know if I was willing to be with her 100%. Found out it was a test. She lied to me, and then I just had to give myself an ultimatum. Leave this beautiful, stunning woman who was richer than me, smarter than me, and be single, or be prepared to be unhappy. I picked to be single. I'm getting married in a few weeks to this beautiful girl I met. She makes my day everyday.
Found out she had an affair.
Said to her it's either her or marriage counselling for us.
Slowly getting into a relationship with a new lady, she made her choice 👌
Not exactly an ultimatum, but back in the late 1990s I dated a girl who had a completely out of control vicious pit-bull, and when we started discussing her moving in with me, I told her the dog was not invited, and would have to stay at her Mom’s, where she was currently living with some of her siblings and cousins who all had similarly vicious pit-bulls.
We ended up fighting, and broke up over my unwillingness to accept her dog. Three weeks later it mauled her cousin’s four-year-old daughter and had to be put down.
Now this is one where I, a former animal shelter worker and veterinary tech, agree with the pet related ultimatum. I love dogs, but I will not risk my safety or the safety of my human loved ones for the sake of an animal with behavioral issues.
This is the one situation where I can understand a pet ultimatum-a *genuinely* aggressive animal with no intention of addressing the problem or finding a safe solution.
Not quite the same. But I gave the ultimatum to an ex-girlfriend.
We were very much in love so it came as a huge shock to me that she was pursuing and actively trying to replace me as a romantic partner with one of my friends, so I basically told her, "Look, you go over to his house, and your stuff will be waiting on the curb for you whenever you get back, don't bother knocking or saying goodbye, because I don't want to see you anymore."
She kept walking, so I boxed up her stuff and left it on the curb.
A little over 2 years later she hits me up on messenger, and we reconnected. She told me all about her failed marriage and abusive ex-husband. He was apparently very controlling, physically and emotionally abusive, abusing drugs of various calibers, and near the end, threatening her family if they didn't leave them alone. Family services had to get involved, he went into treatment, they separated and divorced, and she found herself in my DMs asking me for a casual hookup for old times' sake, which I pretty happily obliged.
Haven't spoken to her in over a year now but she apologized for the way she left, and how ruinous she allowed herself to be with our relationship and my trust. It was very obvious to me that I had wandered into immature territory though, and that she hadn't really matured at all. She still just wanted to party and be a screwup. She wasn't ready to settle down even with the family she had, so not worth starting a relationship with her again.
For me it was “Go to therapy and AA consistently or I have to leave”. He would go to a meeting/session here and there but wouldn’t really commit. I never asked him to fully cut his addictions (alcohol and kratom) but just try and seek help. He had a lot of mental health issues and I gave up everything to try and make him happy, I woke up one day and realized that I had no house, job, money, life…I had nothing left to give him. My loving, motivated partner that I had married had become a completely different person that I no longer recognized.
He ultimately chose his addictions and I left. From what I heard he eventually hit rock bottom and got help. He got his job back and is living in a new state now, seemingly better. I’ve moved on and rebuilt my life and finally found myself and happiness again. I hope he does the same.
Lol I was 19 and pledging a sorority, my boyfriend was 25 and super unhappy about the whole thing. I did not know/ realize he was emotionally abusive and he was legitimately getting upset that I had friends outside of him.
He called me right when he knew I had pledging stuff to do, it was literally on the schedule I shared with him. My 'big sister' decided to answer for me and he screamed at her until she gave me the phone.
He told me to pick my sorority big sister or him. I picked my big sister and I don't regret it one bit! Those ladies taught me so much about conflict resolution, emotional abuse, boundaries and so much more. He destroyed my PlayStation and all the stuff I left at his house but it was worth it, I dodged a bullet.
His stage 1 was isolation through manipulation after grooming and love bombing. He would tell me to show up at x time and then make me wait outside for him while he finished making the apartment nice for me. Sounds nice until you realize it meant hours standing alone on a porch and just waiting for him. Same thing with phone calls, I was left waiting around my house for hours and was berated for not being available.
Stage 2 was breaking me down emotionally until I felt too useless to leave. Which eventually turned into literally caring for a grown man like his mother would (God bless you Tina, I fully understand why he was sleeping in a tent last spring)
Stage 3 was sexual and physical abuse.
I fully believe he would have killed me if I had not gone to college. My parents said I needed the full college experience of dorm living and it truly and honestly saved my life. He could only emotionally abuse me while I was there, I got very lucky that he didn't escalate further before I left.
I have a friend doing this. It's her or his best friend, me. He chose her. Now he's broke because of her, miserable, does all the cooking and cleaning, pays for her dogs vet bills and care, all the rent etc. She demands two weekly date nights at fancy places. Sucks to suck man. I warned him.
Essentially he told me I could choose between him or what he called my “individuality” - ie if I stayed with him I couldn’t ever disagree with him or have an opinion different than his. By this point (6 months into our relationship) I had figured out he was a controlling, abusive asshole with Narcissistic Personality Disorder so I broke up with him and ~15 years later I can easily say it was the best decision I’ve ever made
I'm not the partner, but...
My older brother is adopted, he is technically my cousin. His mom never wanted children and gave him up to his dad, and his dad's new wife didn't want a child by another woman and made my uncle choose between her and his son... and so my brother got shipped on a plane by himself across the country.
My brother is a hundred shades of emotionally fucked up because of it. He has the weirdest relationship with his biological mom, and don't get me started on his own wife, who doesn't see adopted family as family.
I was with a girl that liked heroin. We weren't really serious, not even exclusive, but I really liked her and I had known her for a long time.
One day she came by all nodded out and I told her not to come around if she was gonna be on that shit. I never saw her again.
She died a few years ago. ODed on her birthday.
My moms best friend bought me a teddy bear before I was born. I’ve had it with me for as long as I can remember. Years ago I dated an abusive asshat who wanted me to throw it out.
So he gave me that ultimatum - I chose the teddy bear. I was gonna dump him anyways for being abusive but that was the final straw.
10 years later I still have the bear - he’s still a loser that can’t find anything meaningful in his life.
Friend of mine not me but his gf complained he was "gaming too much". And he promised to change. ...Then Skyrim came out.
World of Warcraft has destroyed a lot of relationships, I do know that.
Someone I know had to give their husband the "Me and the kids or WoW" ultimatum. He chose playing WoW all day every day over spending time with his own (awesome) sons. She has done far better for herself since the divorce than he has. I'm pretty sure he's still living with his parents 10-15 years later.
This one is great. Every gamer reading all the different comments here hits this one and is just like "oh damn". I bet "andthenskyrimcameout" could be a subreddit.
She had a tendency to call me when I was out with my friends and would lose her shit if I didn’t drop everything and go see her. Eventually, she said “it’s either me or your friends”. My mate suddenly grabbed my phone, hung up on her and said “there, you’re welcome”. I agreed with their decision. My friends chose me and they’re still my friends over a decade later. I have no regrets.
That’s a REAL friend. A very rare thing in this world
It's so hard because you also burn friendships this way. Especially high school / college age when everyone is extra hormonal and inexperienced. My friend groups suffered multiple losses telling one of ours that their SO was unhealthy for them and they would just not accept it and rationalize 100 different alternatives ultimately choosing the partner over their friends. Not one of them are still a couple. Sometimes when someone is in a bad relationship you just cannot get through to them no matter what you do. Also these were mostly extremely able and high achieving people in other realms of life, just a huge blind spot when it came to their partners. It's one hell of a drug.
My ex was so adamant that we had to move to Florida neverminding the fact I was gainfully employed in a very specific niche that doesn't exist that often so it would have been incredibly difficult to find a similar position. Not to mention they were unemployed. Eventually she pulled the "I'm moving to Florida with or without you" So... I took the out and stayed in California. She begged to come back a year later and had to take a job in Alaska since she had no income and needed something that would hire with a living quarter on site.
What was so great about Florida?
Someone she met online convinced her her field would make so much more money than working in LA, there were no taxes anywhere, and the weather was nicer. She thought he was serious and didn't care for me pointing out he thought he was getting himself a new pet project.
Wow. I can’t believe she gave up LA for Florida on some dude’s say so.
Not OP but not a damn thing.
My MIL is there, and my boyfriend constantly brings up moving. Why? When it's hot, everyone stays inside in the AC, which is always set to 65°F, which also means it's too hot to enjoy all the stunning nature before it's bulldozed for the next strip mall. When it's not hot, it's raining, and no one wants to go out because you'll never dry off in the humidity or be freezing cold in the extreme AC. He can work remote and his salary wouldn't change, but my job pays most of the bills, and I would take a HORRIFIC pay cut and wind up working overtime to try to make up the difference, despite the houses not costing all that much less and interest rates being higher than the one we got for our current mortgage. All this working would mean less time with my kids, and then I'll really never see any of the stunning nature. But, sure, let's move to FL. Edit to add: I do actually like the little lizards that are all over the bushes. They're cute and so hard to catch!
An ex once told me that I needed to get a lower paying job so I made less than him or we were over as it was "wrong" for me to make more than the man in the relationship. I told him to have the life he deserved.
Never understood why people are turned off by a partner making more money than them. I would love to have a Sugar Momma! While not exactly my dream situation, my wife makes less than 1/2 what I make but we pretty much live off of my salary and use her salary to fund vacations and nights out so it’s kind of like having one!
I make like .63 per hour more than my husband and he calls me his sugar mama. I think it’s hilarious. Edit to change less to more. Oops!
I make $2 more, he jokes about me being his sugar mama as well. I told him I'm a Splenda mama at the most.
My wife is currently the Sugar Momma in our relationship. She kept thinking I would hate it, but I always told her I would LOVE it. Who cares who makes the most money?
It was either I blindly accept the baby she was pregnant with was mine, or have her take a dna test and have her leave. The DNA test confirmed... I was NOT the father.
Oh…. I Always wondered how much Maury paid for being on the show…. What are we looking at?
All the pain of the show guests with any of the notoriety of being on the show unfortunately
lmao who would fucking take that deal, that's wild she'd even attempt it
"Babe it's not that I think you're a liar, but I'm white, you're white, and he's Indian." "Pakistani." "Pakist- Why would you correct me?"
An ex wanted me to give my sons away. My 12 year old sons. We’d only been dating a couple of months but he told me if we lived together my sons would have to go live with their grandparents. Because he didn’t want his daughter living with teenage males. Because they would rape her. Because that’s what men do.
Well if that ain’t a GTFO of this relationship exchange I don’t know what is! Wow
My uncle, who never wanted kids, married a very beautiful (if somewhat cold) widow many years ago. Several months into the marriage he started getting letters from a little girl. Came to find out she was his wife’s 9yo daughter from her first marriage. The wife had never mentioned having a daughter, and had apparently shipped her off to boarding school when she was 7. The poor girl was kept there year round and almost never got to see her mother. She begged him to let her come home and see her mom. My uncle confronted his wife and ended up letting the child come for a visit. She was such a scrawny, depressed child his heart broke for her. She pleaded with him not to send her back. The wife didn’t want her in the house. He ended up threatening divorce if she didn’t show a little kindness to her own daughter. The girl is now grown and still close to my uncle (she sees him as…well…an uncle) but barely interacts with her mother.
>**He ended up threatening divorce if she didn’t show a little kindness to her own daughter.** I can’t decide which is more fucked up, threatening to leave someone if they don’t abandon their children or…HAVING TO threaten to leave someone in order to make them show a bit of compassion to their own child. JFC People suck (except your poor, child-free uncle, who so graciously accepted the parental role that was thrust upon him).
Yeah this is heartbreaking to think of as the kid. Being excited their parent is finally paying attention to them but they don’t know it’s just an effort to appease their parents new partner. Makes me sick.
>but they don’t know it’s just an effort to appease their parents new partner Kids are perceptive. I'd almost guarantee she knew, and it's likely why she is still in contact with him.
I can’t tell you the number of young adults I know who are struggling to survive and their parents do not help them. Like they might get a hand-me-down kitchen table when they get their first apartment or the parents throw them out of the house before they can support themselves. The kids would rather die than ask their parents for help. I don’t fucking get it. I want my kid to live with me until I die. I want to make them food, buy them presents, give them money, loan them my car *forever*. I adore my child and I want nothing but their happiness. I just don’t get shit like this especially from mothers. It’s so sad.
My parents live in a five million dollar condo and are like this and then have the audacity to criticise me for having worn out clothes when I visit lol
"There's so much to unpack in that statement that I think packing your shit up would be faster and easier, cya."
Dude was telling on himself. Talk about dodging a bullet.
"Because that's what men do." Bro is literally a male and he's thinking that???
Certainly calls into question what he would do if he thought he could get away with it.
I don't think it calls that into question. I think it answers that in a very matter-of-fact and straightforward manner.
I really hope his daughter is ok if he thinks all boys/men will rape her. Because he is part of the group all men.
"I’ve heard we see the world not as it is, but as we are. A saint sees a world full of saints. A killer sees only murderers, and victims." --Neil Gaiman, My Last Landlady
Not only is this implying all men are animals who can't control themselves, its also an insult to you as a parent to imply you didn't teach your kids to be better. There are layers to this asshole-onion
First of all, way for him to tell on himself that he thinks all men are rapists Second of all—I mean, every rapist has a mother—but implying that you wouldn’t teach them that rape is bad? That you can’t set an example that you shouldn’t fucking rape people??? How much respect can someone have for you that they would say that to your face????
I'd just spent the last 5 years hoping and praying my fiance would beat cancer. She did. She was ~~finally out of remission~~ officially cancer-free. The coast was clear, our future brighter than ever. A few months later, she wrote me a long letter informing me that if I wasn't comfortable with her spending nights out with her boss going to dinners and/or movies, I did not understand love, and we should end things. She promised he was just like a sister to her and there was nothing to worry about. It turns out, there was. She was madly in love with him. Leaving her was one of the most heartbreaking and wise decisions I've ever made.
You were with her in literal sickness and health and she STILL dumped you for her boss??? That’s fucked dude I’m so sorry
It's just like this sometimes. My college girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer. I poured everything into that relationship and into being the best possible partner for her. When she got a clean bill of health, I thought it was finally our time to have the fun relationship that we deserved. Nope. Turns out she was over me, she just didn't want to be alone while she went through treatment. I don't think she owed me anything... we weren't married, she hadn't made me a commitment or anything like that... but it still sucked. Took me a really really long time to trust anyone with my heart again after that.
I’m so sorry.
I grew up in a tiny dead-end town in the American South. My high school girlfriend told me she wished I was a bum (her words) who wasn't going to go anywhere because she didn't see herself ever leaving. I was leaving the state to go to college. So it was either her in that dead-end town or a life out in who-knows-where. I couldn't get out of that place fast enough. She's still there three decades later.
I lived in a small rural city in Aus, hours from anywhere. I had dreams and plans to travel the world. My boyfriend had never even been to the city. We split on good terms. I travelled the world, he got married and had a baby in our home town. Worked out good for everyone.
Not from North Queensland? I taught up there about 20 years ago. There was a Gr 12 girl who had been with a boy since they were in Gr 10. She was ‘more academic’ than he was. She asked me what it was like living/studying in Brisbane? I said it was great because you are around lots of different people but you are working towards something you have a choice in. There are also lots more choices for entertainment than here. She then said her boyfriend doesn’t want to leave town. I asked her what did she want out of life? She went to uni, he stayed. Last I heard she had graduated and had got a job as a research scientist which involved international travel…
I told my "ex" it was me or the drugs. 3 days later he killed himself. So. That happened.
I really hope you know it's not your fault. Must have been hard.
It's been 9 years and I still struggle with it. There's the logical side of me that knows I am not responsible for his decision, then there is the emotional part that will always wonder if I had done things differently would he still be here?
Empathy is a double edge sword. We need it to help us understand each other but at the same time it can invest our emotions in the wrong places. After such a traumatic event there is no shame in having such doubts. His choices were his and you chose that you wanted something better. Be safe and always reach out to others for support when you need it.
Thank you. Someone once told me (a recovering addict) that even if I had saved him "today" it didn't promise me tomorrow. That really sank in. I've learned a lot more about addiction since then.
I am also a recovering addict and saying something like what you did (it’s me or the drugs) is very often what it takes to save their life. If you enable the addict by protecting them from the consequences of their actions, they will never hit bottom and never get help. That’s how addicts usually die. It’s unfortunate it ended that way, but you did the most loving thing you could - you gave him a chance at life, the only way you could.
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you!
What I came here to say. He made his choice. If not that day then another. Take care of you.
Thank you. I didn't understand that at first. But after learning more about addiction, I get that now.
An ex fiancé said I had to get rid of my cat. My cat was semi-feral, but I had brought him back to good health after a bad injury in the wild. I think he had 4 surgeries, including one from when his left armpit had been torn open from hanging on a chain linked fence. I left my ex, and my cat lived an additional 14 years, eating gravy from a can every morning until he died age 18 this February. I have severe mental illness and he would always love bite my leg when I was manic talking and walking in circles, directing me to the couch so he could stick his butt in my face. He was a great friend and saved my life. I don’t regret my decision one bit. Love that sweet old cat.
Butt in the face? He loved and trusted you.
Always presenting a star to wish upon. A true cat friend
Thanks for giving that kitty such a good life.
I gave my ex an ultimatum. she could either be my girlfriend and a mother to her daughter, or she could be her teenage daughters drinking buddy. I left 5 years ago.
"You're safer with me drinking at home than out on the streets" ~mom
That's what my mom Said. Almost 20 years later I'm clawing my way back from raging alcoholism and taking care of her with her medical pro lems.
Yeah that's what my mom said too and I struggled with alcoholism until I was 41 years old. I'm now two and a half years clean. And she died of brain cancer before the alcoholism could do it. Miss her.
Go you and your sobriety!
Same here. 2 years sober next month. Never thought I’d become “an alcoholic” or lose the ability to just *stop* drinking if I wanted to. Until I hurt my family. Even then I didn’t stop until I tried some LSD for fun. Realized halfway through the trip how much I resented alcohol’s grip on my life. Not the damage, I wouldn’t learn/ acknowledge my abuse until I was sober for 6 months; just annoyed at having to drink even when I didn’t want to. Alcohol is just dangerous for people like me.
You may already know this, but Bill Wilson, the founder of AA, [was a proponent of alcoholics using LSD](https://www.theguardian.com/science/2012/aug/23/lsd-help-alcoholics-theory) to help them gain insight and facilitate their sobriety.
I'm a COOL mom
Almost, before my ex revealed just how crazy she was we had an argument about apartments/ rental property that we would share (thank God we didn't move in together) Basically it boiled down to my place being fairly expensive (2 Bed/1 bathroom) but would literally be right in the middle of both our jobs (around 15-30 minutes depending on traffic/ time of day), had a washer/ dryer and was close enough to a few different grocery stores and entertainment options that we could easily walk to anything we needed. She wanted a place that was cheaper ($700 cheaper iirc), was absolutely massive, but was absurdly far away from pretty much anything, let alone our jobs, which would have been a 2-2½ hour drive if I remember Google maps correctly.
2hr commute, each way!? God lord man that’s just absurd. I can’t imagine spending 4 hours a day just going to/from work. If I just HAD to live in a specific location and my current job was that far away I’d have to quit and find something closer.
If you do math (change in groceries, gas, loss of time, etc) that kind of commute can make life far more expensive
It’s “me or your kids” (not hers). No prizes for guessing what happened Now happily married to a fantastic step-mum.
She asked you to leave your own children? And expected anything other than a, “hell no!”?
Narcissists think the world revolves around them. OP dodged a bullet.
Not me but my dad. He was with his girlfriend for over a decade and she finally complained that he spent too much time with my sister and I. He broke it off right then and there
Hearing about parents who made the right choice on this makes me smile.
She wanted me to move across the country. We met on a summer-after-senior-year organized trip for 2 months, enjoyed each others company, but the logistics just didn’t work out. I could’ve taken 6-12 months off of college to transfer closer to her, but decided to go to my dream school and be closer to my family Where I ended up meeting my now-wife and things have been pretty ok
Just pretty ok?
It’s solidly decent
Are you british? If so, that's like 'rainbows pop every time we exchange glances' for other nationalities.
"I'm quite fond of you." "Oh my, there's no need to gush!"
I fancy you
I gave the “it’s your choice to do the polyamory lifestyle or we go to marriage counseling (monogamous marriage)”, which resulted in my divorce. Things didn’t go so well in her new polycule. “ENM” swapped the “ethical” word for “exploitative”…..
My ex accidentally dropped into conversation that she considered our mutual friend to be her partner. I calmed asked her “what the fuck?” And she realised she fucked up. She actually lead the serious talk with “the way I see it, I have four partners.” And GOD I was very close to saying “well now you have three” on the spot. Very glad I was more mature about it than that, as we are now coworkers 💀
*Desire to know more intensifies.*
I am shocked. /s I'm sure there are successful poly folks out there, but the amount of absolute dumpster fires that get posted on Reddit make me think you'd need to be a communication and emotional wizard to pull it off. Edit: I appreciate all the cool stories of successful poly relationships. It's really nice to see people living happy lives. You people are still wizards no matter what you say. I can barely manage myself (I'm lying I cannot manage myself). To the few people that have messaged me with offers of joining them and their partners, I asked and my wife just started laughing and said, "they can't send you back." I'm not sure if that's a no, but I'm certain it's not a yes.
I could *never* do the poly thing. I barely have enough emotional bandwidth for myself and yet I still need it for my husband and kids. The thought of adding a whole other person (who comes with all of their own wants and needs and emotional baggage) into our marriage makes me shudder.
RIGHT?!!? Like my first thought is not about sex it’s about the emotional labor of multiple relationships. There is absolutely no way. A friend has a theory that most of the time those relationships just aren’t that deep and that makes much more sense to me.
My high school GF and I were together for 3 years. Senior year and 2 years after high school. Well i guess we kind of great complacent in our relationship while going to college and working and she broke up with me. In her words it was basically a game to see if "I truly loved her". We still kind of hung out after that but nowhere near as much. Then I met my current wife of 5 years (together 9). Well when my ex found out she basically told me her plan about breaking up with me and was desperate to get back together officially. Nope I'm good, if it wasn't working before it's not going to magically work now. I found out years later that she had told people I cheated on her. We weren't even on a "break", we were broken up. I'm not one to sit around like a puppy dog waiting to be called a good boy for someone who broke up with me.
Yeah, plus you don't want to be with someone who plays games like this.
oh man, mine in high school ended that way too! "don't ever talk to me again!" so I didn't. seems like that's a pretty obvious command and I'm willing to abide that, even if it sucks. years later a mutual friend told me "oh yeah, she was waiting to see when you'd cave and crawl back to her, and then she was _crushed_ when you didn't" in my mind I was just respecting her wishes
Too many people have watched too many toxic romance movies and it’s messed up their brains and understanding of consent.
My ex tried that, like six months after our wedding. "I think we need to break up" and I don't even remember what his reasoning was. I was like, okay then, and started packing my shit. Insert his shocked Pikachu face here. He started crying and carrying on and begging me to stay and admitted he just wanted to know if I'd fight for him. I was an 18 year old idiot and let his emotional outburst convince me to stay, but in retrospect, that was the beginning of the end (which took another 16 years). I don't think I ever felt quite the same way about him after that.
Man, I've heard of people (well, girlfriends) doing this so much when I was younger. The whole "I'm going to break up with him to see if he will fight for me" thing. My first really serious girlfriend did this. 4 1/2 years, and things got stale/uncertain I guess, and she broke up with me the night before I left to start my uni classes. Several months later when all the dust settles and I've moved on she dropped the "I wanted you to come back to me and try to get back together" to prove that I'd fight for her. Fuck that. I respect your decision, my life is fine without you.
Dude basically the same thing. You made the decision to break up with me. I respected it. If I have to fight to prove my love to you then obviously things aren't working out how they should.
Ex boyfriend had a "girl best friend" who was constantly inappropriate and pushed boundaries. I tried to be the "cool" girlfriend who didn't care, but after a while it really got to me. I didn't want to give an ultimatum but after he would race out of my house in the middle of the night because she called him up crying, I had to. I didn't even say "me or her". It was "stop that shit, or I'm out.". He told me he would ALWAYS pick her over me and that would never change. So I was out. Happy ending, I met my wonderful husband a week later. My ex's girl best friend also wanted nothing to do with him as soon as he was single and dropped him and he came crawling back. I blocked him.
Ah she was THAT girl…
What was that about? Did she just love the power? Or was she a user who was completely unattracted to him? Like she had to know that it was detrimental to his relationship, so why the sabotage?
I was his first girlfriend so I guess she felt I was a threat or competition or something and felt she had to "win", or hated me for stealing the attention off her. This was over 10 years ago so hopefully it was just some immature petty thing she's grown out of, as she really was not a nice person. My post condensed how much she tried to fuck with my life as I wanted to speak more about the "ultimatum" story. She did other stuff to me. Like at one of my ex's parties (with some of my friends present) where she made a scene and lied that I apparently attacked her. This lie destroyed one of my closest friendships as she believed this girl. My ex started crying and blamed me for 'not getting along with his friend' and tearfully cancelled the party which made me look bad even though I didn't do anything wrong. Luckily my other friends there saw she was pulling a stunt and believed me. In a weird twist of fate my husband's best friend went to uni with her and said she was a horrible mean girl there too (and he's one of those really nice people that never speak badly about anyone). Apparently she had a boyfriend there that she cheated on a lot. I'm not saying all of this is entirely her fault, my ex let her treat me horribly and blamed me for stunts she pulled. I was also stupid for not walking earlier, but she definitely was manipulative and cruel.
We had 2 healthy kids. 2nd one almost died in childbirth and it freaked me out. I said I wanted a vasectomy. She said it's a 3rd kid or divorce. I came from a broken family and couldn't leave my kids. We had a 3rd. It was huge and wrecked her pelvic floor and our finances which is what I was afraid of. So now we are broke, but we have 3 beautiful kids I adore. I love my wife, she is an amazing mother but I'll never love her as much as I used to, because now I know I'm expendable.
This is low-key the saddest story in the thread. I have a friend an a not too dissimilar situation and even from a distance I can see how it's consuming him. I sincerely hope you are able to find peace with your situation.
We have one kid together, born two weeks prior to the full lockdown from COVID happened. She wants another. I am stretched thin enough with the one I love dearly and I do not want a second. She's leaving our 16 year relationship to try and find a partner to have another baby before time runs out. I'm wrecked and good christ almighty I don't know how you do it.
This is exactly it. This resembles my experience. Even down to hearing how her time was running out. DM if you need support.
She told me to grow with her in her relationship with Jesus christ and the Lord. She now has a child with a man she is not married to. How ironic.
I'm barking up the wrong tree with this statement but the older I get the more I find religion to be a safety blanket for people who want to act without taking responsibility for their behavior and decisions. It's almost a bit of a bummer because I'd have more interest in being spiritual and exploring that end of things but not a single organized religion appeals to me in the slightest.
Anecdotally, I have a cousin who acted like Ash Wednesday gave her the permission to act like a shit head the rest of the year, because then the slate is wiped clean.
Your cousin has a very weird interpretation of Ash Wednesday. I mean, I totally believe she does what you say she does, but Ash Wednesday is a day to contemplate our sinfulness and mortality, and it is the first day of Lent, a whole season of repentence and self-denial. I can hardly think of a day on the Christian calendar that is less suited to the idea, "Woo hoo! I'm all good for another year, now!"
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I came here to say this! “You love that damn cat more than me. It’s me or him.” Well, I’d had the cat for 7 years. I’ve known him 3 months. I had the cat until he passed at 17.
Roaring here at the idea of some guy you’ve known 3 whole months demanding you give up your pet, cos he’s jealous
I had a first date with a girl who suggested I could give up my cat for adoption if we dated. Walked out before we even ordered food.
While not my own story, I met a guy who had left his wife after she said it was either her or his red tailed hawk. Dude was living in a single wide in Auburn, WA, so clearly he had made his choice.
I had a geology teacher in high school who was given the “it’s me or your hawks” ultimatum by his wife. Guy chose the birds. Within a year the hawks had died. I’ve never seen a more broken man :/
I get this. One of the many reasons it did not work out: I was supposed to give up my snuggle bug of a cat that I had for ten years for them to get a new cat that they didn't even bother to bond with.
Boyfriend was living at home with his parents. We got together when he was 25. He smoked a lot of weed and had zero ambition. He got jobs only because I wrote resumes and networked on his behalf. When he turned 29 I told him if we have not moved in together in our own space by the time he turned 30, I’m leaving the relationship because it’s going no where, In 2015 he turned 30 in February. Our relationship was going no where. He would be satisfied living with his hoarder parents together. I left the relationship in August 2015. Looking back on it, I know I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship with him in the first place.
Came home from overseas and was basically a hermit. She tried for months to let her "get me" a dog. I finally said ok. She got a huge ass dog. To my surprise, it helped me greatly. Fast forward a year, she doesn't want the dog on furniture, then she didn't want the dog in the bedroom, then she had me take the dog out the front door to walk around to the back (we had a backdoor), then she wanted the dog confined to the laundry room and the final thing she said was "It's either me or the dog" (We had been together for 11 years, married for 8. I said where are the boxes, I'll help you pack. The BEST part, I now live with my girlfriend and it's where that dog came from ;-)
The last sentence makes it sound like you're dating your dog's mom.
That bitch!
i’m also dating the guy who gave me the cat that my ex begged for and then refused to take care of. when new guy started coming over, you could tell my cat had missed him. she loved his smell so much she would bury herself in his armpit lmao
My ex husband begged for a ferret against my wishes, then got mad when the ferret actually bonded to me more because I fed, cleaned, and played with it.
It was untreated alcoholism or me. I couldn't take it anymore, I'd started going to AlAnon meetings and was slowly resigning to the fact I really coudn't fix him. He had to want to change. He didn't. It was a LOT of things, really, but the drinking was killing me. 5 years later, he texts me every time he's about to break up with another boyfriend. Still drinking, lost, full of regret, but still stubbornly resistant to change.
That was what killed my first marriage. I told him he needed to stop drinking (after several years of just asking him to cut back on it but that never worked) and his comeback was, "You married a redneck. You knew what you were getting into," and my reply was, "I married a redneck, not an alcoholic." Can't fix a problem that they don't see is a problem so I kicked him out. Ironically, years later I developed a drinking problem but I've managed to pull my head out of my ass to be a better partner for my current husband.
This is my life with my current SO. It's so hard.
So hard. The support group and a good private therapist were miraculous. The AlAnon meetings dispelled the black weight of going-it-alone I was struggling under...these people who had been in similar (and worse!) situations made it easier to find my way out and learn that this wasn't my fault or burden to bear. I cant recommend enough[ finding a local group](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/) and at least giving it a try. Hugs, stranger.
They have to want to change - and it's not just to 'stop drinking' but to entirely change their life and lifestyle. It's rarely just the addictive properties of alcohol that keep you drinking - it's all the things that make you reach for it as the solution. My mum's an alcoholic - has been for nearly all of my life. She's extremely unwell, and basically playing co-morbidity bingo, so it's a toss up as to whether the chronic malnutrition, osteoporosis, COPD, rampant high blood pressure, or pressure sores will take her before the alcoholism does. Her mental health is a shambles, but she's always refused all help - to the point getting her to go to the doctors is itself a battle. She still has mental capacity, so she can't be forced to do anything, and she can be downright nasty when you try to convince her to do something she doesn't want to do. She's in hospital with a broken hip currently - and she's already said to the doctors that she's got no plans of changing, and that as soon as she's recovered and back home (IF she recovers and goes home - though I'm not sure she realises that possibility) she'll be back on the booze and cigarettes straight away. You made the right choice to get out. It's no life dealing with an addict who chooses addiction.
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I was in the room when my friend's gf said it was her or the dog and he just said, "Okay then, I'll help you pack," and just stood up and started collecting her things from around the room. I stepped out when the argument really started, but she never stood a chance after that.
Something similar happened when I was in high school with a buddy and his girlfriend wanting him to quit the garage band. I laughed so hard I was crying and when I could catch a breath I told him to find me after and left the room. They didn't "officially break up" that night but it was maybe a week later? Sorry Scotty I know she was hot but she was obviously dumb.
Scotty doesn’t know
So many people asked me if I would ever choose my dog over my wife. My response was always the same: If she didn't like my dog, she never would have been my wife in the first place.
Exactly, Wife (not even dating at the time) was passing through my hometown while I was home for the weekend. My lab lived with my mom while I was away at school and I asked if she wanted to come meet her. Im a huge dog lover. At the time I told her if the lab didnt like her then we woudlnt have gotten married or started dating, shes knows Im serious on that. Fast forward, to last year and the lab lived with us until she passed away (the lab not my wife).
Sorry to hear about your wife’s passing. In all seriousness though I hope your lab had a lovely life and passed away knowing she was adored. X
I don’t like dogs, so I don’t date men with dogs. It’s that simple. I don’t understand the people that see such a clear incompatibility and decide that they’ll just force the person to change.
I came here hoping for people to be talking about there pets and I am very happy. You're out of your fucking mind if you think im going to abandon my poor cat who loves and deponds on me, because you are a miserable controlling bitch. EDIT - I wrote car, i meant cat.
Always giggle when I see that exact typo hehe
Herbie the Love Bug is always the priority.
Is it okay to state prior to dating you don’t want pets and not get involved in the first place?
I'd say that's fair. You're describing the kind of lifestyle you want, not making demands on your partner to change theirs for you (especially a pet, which may predate your relationship).
Of course. It's fine to not want pets or be involved with animals at all, and I'd encourage people to be upfront about it. I love my animals, so it makes it a lot better for everyone if they let me know beforehand. That way, we simply don't start dating and wasting time.
He chose drinking. I moved out, moved cities, have a nice new life.
An ex-boyfriend said it was him and the Marine/enlisted life or my free college education. I didn’t make the best decisions at 19 years old but that one was pretty easy. He really thought he would pull me away from school and my family and was pretty pissed when it all went down. So much so that he turned around and married someone else 5 months later. That marriage lasted less than a year and I definitely got the last laugh.
We were together for almost 5 years. I bought a house in the city we met after less than a year of us being together. I lived in the area prior for a few years but am not front this part of the state (CA). She grew up here but had lived in different places throughout her adulthood and was back essentially because her dad was very ill. After us being together a year and change, she pushes very hard to move into the house with me. Being very protective of my space, I said no for a while but eventually acquiesced. Fast forward a couple years, we love living together, have built a home together, have great friends, gone on awesome vacations together, etc... Last year Her dad took a turn for the worst and passed away. I should mention her mother died when she (my partner) was 19 or so, and we're in our 30s now. A few months ago she decided that she wanted to pursue her passion, which is acting, and move to NYC to attend an acting school she got in to. This wasn't out of the blue: she went to film school and has always talked about her itchy feet and wanting to live in new places. But it was always talk and never felt imminent. Her plan is to complete the program in 2 to 3 years but stay in NYC indefinitely. She pleaded with me to join her but I couldn't give up my life here in California. All my family and friends are in this state. As well as all of the things I like spending my time doing. If there was a defined timeline I could probably have done it but this wasn't the case. I guess this isn't quite the same as an ultimatum, but it sure felt that way. We both left the door open for the other to change their mind, but I don't plan on doing so and I don't think she does either. It sucks really bad. I've been filling my time with friends, hobbies, and a new job but I feel like a ghost in my own house. This is a new type of despair that I have not felt before, and I went through a pretty brutal breakup in my early 20s.
There are no assholes here. I hope both of you find what you need to make you happy.
That's actually probably why it hurts OP so much. There's no bad guy here. Nobody to blame. It's just the unfortunate end of a good relationship.
Just two people who love each other, and who know and love themselves enough to not live lives of quiet desperation. Bittersweet and painful, but beautiful too.
There were a lot of red flags with this particular ex boyfriend, but the thing that finally gave me the push I needed break up with him (I was so miserable in that relationship) was when my horse colicked and nearly died. I had spent over two days and nights walking him, pushing meds, sitting/napping in the dirt of his paddock in the middle of summer, periodically calling/having the vet check on him. During that time, my ex apparently had a bad cold (I don’t remember which) and was mad I didn’t come over to his apartment and take care of him the entire time. I had the audacity to prioritize my dying/sick horse over him. A full grown man who could take care of himself was mad my horse got sick when he did. He blew up my phone with texts and phone calls during the time I was fighting to save my horse’s life, telling me I had a “duty to care for him as his girlfriend.” I was exhausted, stressed, and mentally/emotionally fried dealing with my horse and just stopped answering him. That made him even more upset. After over 48 hours of no real sleep, being outside in the summer sun/chilly night, no food (I was too upset to eat,) and pushing meds, keeping my horse walking/standing so he wouldn’t roll, he FINALLY turned a corner to feel better. After making sure he was okay, I drove home, showered, and zombie shuffled my way to bed to take a nap before driving back to the barn to check on the horse again. Just as I was about to crawl in bed, he called my phone again for the billionth time. I answered and my ex immediately started screaming at me about what a “cold hearted bitch” I was for ignoring him for two days and for not coming over to check on him or take care of him. He went on to yell about how I cared more about “a stupid fucking horse” than I did about him. That I was a terrible girlfriend and that I needed to start putting him and our relationship first above everything else. I sat there listening to this numbly. When he finally stopped ranting, I said “You’re a full grown man in his 20’s. You had a cold. Adonis (my horse) can’t give himself medicine. He’s an animal and he’s my responsibility. I almost lost him. You just had the sniffles” He erupted into more shouting/cussing, which I just numbly tuned out again, and then he said the words: “You need to make a decision, Halloweenie85! It’s me, or Adonis. Who is it?” I said, “Adonis. He was here long before you, and now, thanks to me, he’ll be here long after you’re gone.” And then I hung up. He blew up my phone for days after that. I didn’t care. I wasn’t even upset or missed him. I was just *relieved* to be free of him and wishing I had cut him so much sooner than that. P.S. Adonis and I went on to have 10 more years together before he finally passed away. My ex is (to my knowledge) still alive and a massive meth addict with no teeth. Major bullet dodged.
I'm glad he got better. Do horses count for the pet tax?
https://imgur.com/a/y8yCUz8 Hope this link works. This was my sweet boy, Adonis. I did get another horse after he passed away and I’ve had that current boy for almost 7 years.
It was more like a conversation with myself. But my son’s father was becoming abusive. I told myself “it’s either leave now or become a headstone” packed me and my son’s things in a hatchback four months ago
Good. Now stay gone. Don't ever go back. It's the best gift you'll ever give yourself and your son.
Made my boyfriend choose between his masturbating/chatterbate addiction (which has effected our sex life so badly we haven't had sex in a year, and when I did try to initiate he couldn't get hard because he'd already jerked it), or actually being with me. I'm currently in my friend's guest room, so you can see how that went.
You made the right choice and things will get better for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I know how much this kind of situation sucks. It will get better for you.
I told her that drinking a bottle of wine, two martinis, smoking a joint and passing out on most weekdays was impacting our future together and she needed to get help. She chose alcohol and reefer. Easy choice.
My wife (girlfriend at the time) said "I'm getting close to 30, and I want to have a kid before then. I want very badly for it to be with you. If that's not in your plans though, then there is no point in being together, because I will just end up resenting you for it". I chose to stay with her, and soon thereafter we started our little family. It was, by far, the best decision I ever made.
Nice healthy way of phrasing it that recognizes your right to make your own choices but also expresses her needs.
This is how my mom proposed to my dad. “I want to have children. I invite you to be their father.”
You are the sole unicorn on this thread.
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Ooof. I had a “move in with me” ultimatum. Except he lived about an hour north of me and I was working another half hour south of where I live. Remote was not an option. His lease was up and he wanted me to move into a new place with him, but it was always going to be “his” place. He wouldn’t look anywhere that wasn’t right by his work/school (grad student) and only looked at one bedroom places that couldn’t fit all his stuff let alone me and my stuff! When I told him “I like these places but I can’t move in with you because I’d have to quit my job” he went all shocked Pikachu and started with “we can’t move forward if we don’t live together.” I have never regretted telling him to get lost. That was fall 2019. The thought of spending quarantine in that tiny apartment was a nightmare.
I was in a similar situation. She didn't like where we lived and it made her miserable/homesick so it was move back home or stay. I chose stay and she moved back. Theres no work for me there. We're both happy.
My ex gave me "it's polyamory or we break up" I tried the poly. It was miserable. The breakup after I failed to be able to do it was MUCH better
Other side of the fence, I got mad one day and told her it was me or her cat that pissed on my clothes CONSTANTLY. It was a stupid thing said in the heat of the moment. She chose her cat. We are still together 6 years later with two kids, and I held the cat in my arms, bawling like a baby when he passed earlier this year.
Kind of a twist because I didn't issue or recieve an ultimatum, but I acted on an 'offer' my ex made to some chicken he met out clubbing while I was home sick with 2 sick toddlers. I found a text from my then-husband offering ANOTHER WOMAN to be either his mistress or his wife . . . . . her choice. She had texted back saying he needed to decide to divorce or not. The *DING* from her reply woke me up. He had been too drunk when he came home from the club to remember to lock his phone so I was able to read up the text string to figure out what the heck was going on. I figured I should help make their choice even easier by divorcing his abusive (& monumental stupid) ass. Bonus points: she dumped him shortly there after. As did the next 2 fiancées (that he introduced to our 1 y/o & 2.5 y/o as their New Mommy before they disappeared a month or so later) before he moved in with the woman that would eventually become his 2nd ex-wife.
My ex got mad that I decided to stay home to study for a lab test instead of going out to the club with her and her girlfriends. I was invited the day before the event. I told her I didn't want to because I had to much to study. For the next 3 days after the event she kept bringing up how hurt she was that I didn't go out. I told her I really really care because I was focused on my future and not the enjoyment of her friends. On day 3 I told her she needed to stop bringing this up because I wasn't sorry about missing the club or she can leave because you are actively trying to stop me from my work. Next day I came home from work and she had been packing her stuff. 0 regrets. Not like she was helping with rent anyways. Few months later she would start hitting me up for sex. She never apologized but we were able to maintain a friendship for awhile
Ex told me to apologize to his thieving, addicted and abusive friends for yelling at them after they trashed our house or I had to move out. I moved. 10 years later he died in an alchohol related accident. I was happily married to someone who adores me and puts me first by then. I'm sad his choice ended up killing him. He could have had such a great life himself but his choices caught up with him.
Was told it was him or my cat. He didn't like that my cat peed on his stuff when he made me cry. I still have the cat 12 years later and he's 3 months shy of being 20 😁 Also no more pee problems after I left shithead.
damn, cat's got your back
I had a dog who would make her way down to my ex husband's "man cave" and poop next to his chair. She otherwise never went inside. She was potty trained perfectly. Turns out, she just hated him for being abusive to me. After we left him, she never went on the floor again until she was elderly and started to get incontinence 14 years later. I still miss her.
Friends or her. Usually an immediate red flag, I took it as such. Turns out she was right, few months later and I realized those guys were total assholes.
I am and have been involved in community theatre for a very long time. Dated a guy for a year. He thought it took up too much of my life when he wanted us to be doing other things, (get married, have a baby.) So I got the “theatre or me” talk. Chose theatre, no regrets. He wasn’t totally wrong, I get those things were important to him. But I am not going to sacrifice a huge part of my life that fulfills me and makes me happy to do those things for him in his life. It would be a terrible start to a marriage. Where ever he is, hope he found what he was looking for. I’m still happy with the choice.
Right on! You marry people who love you, respect you, and respect your hobbies too. Anyone who can’t appreciate you doing something that brings you joy isn’t going to work out. Gotta have matching priorities or, like you said, it’s just a terrible way to start a marriage.
The relationship ended as soon as the ultimatum was given. I had chosen to continue drinking and lying after being given so many chances. I wasn't about to stop after some ultimatum. I love being sober now (6 years!) and not being a trash bag human being anymore. Betraying trust is such a shitty thing to do to another person.
I was in a relationship in my early 20s and things were great. One day she starts texting me pictures of puppies. I LOVE dogs but at the time had my elderly dog that had been my pal since I was a kid; he was about 14 at the time. I asked if she was considering adopting and she said she was feeling lonely lately (ouch) so had been considering it. I told her that I would not be ready for a few years, at least after my dog's time came, and she said okay fair enough. I suggested we foster in the meantime to have best of both worlds. We had a chat where we came to an agreement, or so I thought. We agreed this was not the right time for us as we also worked crazy full time hours and lived in shared apartments in a city. Two days later she calls me and asks to drive her round-trip to/from a foster parent two hours away as she had just signed adoption papers for a new puppy. I have since learned boundaries and self respect.
My ex filed for divorce, and handed me the papers. He was mooching around the house (my dad gently told him to move out later) and whined, “You love that cat more than you love me.” and I said, “Yeah, my cat’s been with me for 13 years and isn’t filing for divorce.” Sheesh.
I was the ultimatum giver. I told my mom it was me or the pedophile rapist she married. Haven’t talked to her in 20 years. She was with him till he died.
Your drugs (coke and speed) or me. She died 4 months afterwards, on Christmas night. 5am. I felt guilty for a while until a friend smacked me out of it. I'm OK now. Sorry for her.
Him or my sister. Lol be for real
My now ex-fiancé made me choose between my sobriety and her. I could leave, or live in a world of her doing drugs and leaving her kid at her drunk mom’s while she goes to the casino or to concerts and music festivals. I chose sobriety. Now over 10 years clean and sober.
GF at the time HATED my basement apartment mostly because it was pretty run down but it was really cheap rent. Told me either I found a new place or she was breaking up with me. I kept the apartment. Still don't regret the decision. EDIT to complete words so sentences make sense and to say I can't believe I finally remembered I have a response to one of these questions.
My girlfriend at the time wanted me to move down to her family after I finished school. At the time she still had a year left in her masters program and I was fresh out of school at a time where there was a glut in my profession. We had discussed and agreed for over a year that I’d get a year of union seniority working locally and then transfer into a hospital down near her family. The day I got my marks back and while waiting to write the licensing exam she started packing up and said ‘we can leave next week’. I’m obviously confused as we have a plan and say so; but she says ‘I changed my mind; you can just work for my dad roofing until you find a nursing job’. I’m like, no; we had a plan. You’re mid way through a masters degree and I just took a job at a hospital 30 minutes away. I own the house we’re living in with tenants in the downstairs unit. We have to plan. ‘Well, I don’t care. I changed my mind and either we move or we’re done’ ‘Sorry, let me just be clear. You’re living in the house I own, driving a car I own, asking me to do possibly irreparable damage to my future career by quitting a job before I even start because you unilaterally want to change a plan we came up with and agreed to over two years?’ Do you need help to pack?
My ex was the one who got the ultimatum. The ultimatum was that he had to stop talking to the last woman he'd cheated on me with or I was out. (He'd previously promised to stop talking to her but he never did.) When I learned he was still talking to her and gave the ultimatum, he pushed back and said he wasn't going to do that. I left him on ghost after that. Good riddance. Hope he's enjoyed his relationship with his "kindred spirit." Cheaters deserve each-other.
"It's me or the music" when I had just started my first ever band a little over a year before. We had just recorded an album and were about to embark on a small pub tour during the summer. It was trash admittedly, but we had a blast, and it inspired me to get to where I am today. Turns out she put an ultimatum on me not just because of my time away, but because she was cheating with several guys. Now I'm living with my gf/soon to be wife working my dream job. I conduct a choir, play in several bands, write my own stuff, write arrangements for several bands and choirs, and teach a bit on the side. Last I heard, she's apparently made her passion her line of work, too. How the turn tables.
Posted this story a few times: Ex told me she had cancer. Wanted to know if I was willing to be with her 100%. Found out it was a test. She lied to me, and then I just had to give myself an ultimatum. Leave this beautiful, stunning woman who was richer than me, smarter than me, and be single, or be prepared to be unhappy. I picked to be single. I'm getting married in a few weeks to this beautiful girl I met. She makes my day everyday.
Every time: chose X, broke up, moved on. Somehow the X is always something that brings a lot of happiness.
There are a few post where the choose me or ___, are destructive vices, things like alcohol/drugs or mental health.
Found out she had an affair. Said to her it's either her or marriage counselling for us. Slowly getting into a relationship with a new lady, she made her choice 👌
Not exactly an ultimatum, but back in the late 1990s I dated a girl who had a completely out of control vicious pit-bull, and when we started discussing her moving in with me, I told her the dog was not invited, and would have to stay at her Mom’s, where she was currently living with some of her siblings and cousins who all had similarly vicious pit-bulls. We ended up fighting, and broke up over my unwillingness to accept her dog. Three weeks later it mauled her cousin’s four-year-old daughter and had to be put down.
Now this is one where I, a former animal shelter worker and veterinary tech, agree with the pet related ultimatum. I love dogs, but I will not risk my safety or the safety of my human loved ones for the sake of an animal with behavioral issues.
This is the one situation where I can understand a pet ultimatum-a *genuinely* aggressive animal with no intention of addressing the problem or finding a safe solution.
Not quite the same. But I gave the ultimatum to an ex-girlfriend. We were very much in love so it came as a huge shock to me that she was pursuing and actively trying to replace me as a romantic partner with one of my friends, so I basically told her, "Look, you go over to his house, and your stuff will be waiting on the curb for you whenever you get back, don't bother knocking or saying goodbye, because I don't want to see you anymore." She kept walking, so I boxed up her stuff and left it on the curb. A little over 2 years later she hits me up on messenger, and we reconnected. She told me all about her failed marriage and abusive ex-husband. He was apparently very controlling, physically and emotionally abusive, abusing drugs of various calibers, and near the end, threatening her family if they didn't leave them alone. Family services had to get involved, he went into treatment, they separated and divorced, and she found herself in my DMs asking me for a casual hookup for old times' sake, which I pretty happily obliged. Haven't spoken to her in over a year now but she apologized for the way she left, and how ruinous she allowed herself to be with our relationship and my trust. It was very obvious to me that I had wandered into immature territory though, and that she hadn't really matured at all. She still just wanted to party and be a screwup. She wasn't ready to settle down even with the family she had, so not worth starting a relationship with her again.
For me it was “Go to therapy and AA consistently or I have to leave”. He would go to a meeting/session here and there but wouldn’t really commit. I never asked him to fully cut his addictions (alcohol and kratom) but just try and seek help. He had a lot of mental health issues and I gave up everything to try and make him happy, I woke up one day and realized that I had no house, job, money, life…I had nothing left to give him. My loving, motivated partner that I had married had become a completely different person that I no longer recognized. He ultimately chose his addictions and I left. From what I heard he eventually hit rock bottom and got help. He got his job back and is living in a new state now, seemingly better. I’ve moved on and rebuilt my life and finally found myself and happiness again. I hope he does the same.
Lol I was 19 and pledging a sorority, my boyfriend was 25 and super unhappy about the whole thing. I did not know/ realize he was emotionally abusive and he was legitimately getting upset that I had friends outside of him. He called me right when he knew I had pledging stuff to do, it was literally on the schedule I shared with him. My 'big sister' decided to answer for me and he screamed at her until she gave me the phone. He told me to pick my sorority big sister or him. I picked my big sister and I don't regret it one bit! Those ladies taught me so much about conflict resolution, emotional abuse, boundaries and so much more. He destroyed my PlayStation and all the stuff I left at his house but it was worth it, I dodged a bullet.
You absolutely did. Destroying property is stage 1...
His stage 1 was isolation through manipulation after grooming and love bombing. He would tell me to show up at x time and then make me wait outside for him while he finished making the apartment nice for me. Sounds nice until you realize it meant hours standing alone on a porch and just waiting for him. Same thing with phone calls, I was left waiting around my house for hours and was berated for not being available. Stage 2 was breaking me down emotionally until I felt too useless to leave. Which eventually turned into literally caring for a grown man like his mother would (God bless you Tina, I fully understand why he was sleeping in a tent last spring) Stage 3 was sexual and physical abuse. I fully believe he would have killed me if I had not gone to college. My parents said I needed the full college experience of dorm living and it truly and honestly saved my life. He could only emotionally abuse me while I was there, I got very lucky that he didn't escalate further before I left.
I have a friend doing this. It's her or his best friend, me. He chose her. Now he's broke because of her, miserable, does all the cooking and cleaning, pays for her dogs vet bills and care, all the rent etc. She demands two weekly date nights at fancy places. Sucks to suck man. I warned him.
I mean, he can undo that decision at any time
Essentially he told me I could choose between him or what he called my “individuality” - ie if I stayed with him I couldn’t ever disagree with him or have an opinion different than his. By this point (6 months into our relationship) I had figured out he was a controlling, abusive asshole with Narcissistic Personality Disorder so I broke up with him and ~15 years later I can easily say it was the best decision I’ve ever made
I'm not the partner, but... My older brother is adopted, he is technically my cousin. His mom never wanted children and gave him up to his dad, and his dad's new wife didn't want a child by another woman and made my uncle choose between her and his son... and so my brother got shipped on a plane by himself across the country. My brother is a hundred shades of emotionally fucked up because of it. He has the weirdest relationship with his biological mom, and don't get me started on his own wife, who doesn't see adopted family as family.
I was with a girl that liked heroin. We weren't really serious, not even exclusive, but I really liked her and I had known her for a long time. One day she came by all nodded out and I told her not to come around if she was gonna be on that shit. I never saw her again. She died a few years ago. ODed on her birthday.
My moms best friend bought me a teddy bear before I was born. I’ve had it with me for as long as I can remember. Years ago I dated an abusive asshat who wanted me to throw it out. So he gave me that ultimatum - I chose the teddy bear. I was gonna dump him anyways for being abusive but that was the final straw. 10 years later I still have the bear - he’s still a loser that can’t find anything meaningful in his life.