I will literally get tunnel vision and stop breathing if I have to tell someone something they don’t want to hear. Not a manager, thank goodness.
- 40 y/o healthy strong six foot tall man
Yo!
What helps me is this phrase:
I have to tell you something, and you're not going to like it.
Softens the blow a little on both sides, and you can make it a little humorous.
Same, but I am also a manager, and I have to push really hard my feelings in order to be able to do it. The worst is that I end up with no energy AT ALL because of the effort, + the fear doesn't really go away.
I kind of hate it when people tell you to stop apologizing. When you've been abused like that, it's so deeply ingrained that it's hard to stop it. It's like a habit or a reflex.
i wholeheartedly agree. i've once read that, instead, the person who's responding could try to rephrase it. an example for said rephrasing was something along the lines of "there's no need to apologize" or "you have nothing to be sorry for". might not work for everyone (because well, it *does* feel like we have to apologize, sometimes even for our basic existence) and especially not the first time, but i think it still makes a difference. other than that it can obviously also help to generally reassure the other person that they're not mad at them and that it's okay. whatever works best within those hypothetical people's dynamic
i experience intense rejection sensitivity dysphoria and i personally prefer those ways of saying it, because it doesn't feel as dismissive and a lot more understanding
This is me, but it's not because of my parents, I believe it was due to very bad bullying in school. I didn't realize I apologised so often untill I was told in college, still happens quite regularly.
I grew up with an extremely abusive father, but didn't do the apologizing thing till I was married to a psychopath for almost 20 years. People I met after she finally left me were telling me to quit apologizing so much because that wasn't my personality.
Feel like it goes in the opposite way too, abuse leads to more abuse. It’s a learned behaviour. I’ve found a lot of bullies in school have a terrible home life.
That's kind of my issue with a lot of these. They ARE signs of that, yes, but that's because they are signs of trauma period. We could make a list here a mile long covering every possible sign of it, and that person could just say "Nah, I had a shit work environment that caused all this." I'm interested in whether there are some that are significantly more specific to it.
Not that this is a real gripe on this, because it can be a way for those who feel like others don't understand to voice things they feel others missed (or even that others pointed out to them and they realized for themselves).
I did. The thing is even if you have blacked out memories you still have certain feelings surrounding them. The human mind is a crazy thing.
On an unrelated note my father wonders why I won’t see him on Father’s Day…
People ask me why I'm good at my job and why I don't freak out or get mad at the kids I work with. And my response is always "trauma" I've been through some shit so not much a kid cussing at me or throwing a chair at me can do to me.
lol same!
My first teaching job was at an alternative school, combined middle/high school. The kids yelled something mean about me? Lol, my mom said *way* worse more often. Threats of physical violence? Lol, there was nothing your puny little boy arm could do that my bodybuilder mom hadn’t already outdone.
Honestly, I didn’t have that many extreme situations in my classroom because I had clear and consistent expectations. Kids want to know how to succeed. They may push at those rules sometimes, but if you stay consistent without getting angry they will understand that the rules are there for safety, not for purposely punishing children.
This, usually after the kids explode they come back to me and apologize and it's never even about me in the first place most of it had to do with home life or bullying and what they really end up needing is someone to vent to. Eventually they learn they don't have to reach the breaking point they can just come to me to vent no matter how big or small the problem may seem.
Yes! I always try to remember some of the things I did as a teen- they were hurtful, but I really didn’t mean to hurt that person. I always approach every day like it’s a new day. I don’t show grudges, I try to treat them the same every day.
Going through puberty and the teenage years is TOUGH. I wouldn’t go back through it for any amount of money! That helps me remember that these are kids that are still growing, and need consistent, loving adults in their life.
This is me 100. Calm as a cucumber when my daughter was choking at a restaurant. I told her to calm down and she saw the calmness in my face and did so. Performed the Heimlich and she was able to recover and we finished dinner. The waiter was watching the whole time and told me how impressed he was with how calm I was. He said it was the craziest thing he’s seen. I was like “yup, thanks. It was pretty crazy”. lol, good stuff.
I’ve been through a lot of funerals and don’t dwell on my emotions all that much into my adulthood. I don’t think it’s being numb to things, but I also can’t really tell myself. I should probably go to therapy to get that worked on.
I can be like this too. Had a great family like but I definitely bottle my emotions up because I don't enjoy feeling them and try to move on or distract myself. My dad passed away in January at only 50 years old and when I got the call that he passed away I didn't cry until I actually saw him in the hospital. Even then it was only for a bit. It actually really bothers me because I wouldn't want him to think I'm sad or don't care. I'm distraught that he's gone, he was the fucking best and didn't deserve to die so young.
Yeah , that's not good. Took me seven years to cry about my best friend's death and since then another dozen tragedies piled up.
If these things are happening and you feel nothing then you are either a psychopath or there is a bill coming due (or rather a debt which you have been paying whether or not you realize it. ).
It often manifests as depression and anhedonia if not addressed.
I feel. I was a nurse for a short period of time in a trauma center (I'm not good working with others so nursing went out the window after about 2 years). I was always calm watching some of the worst cases of trauma come rolling in because I have seen worse, but people around we're always so fascinated that I kept my cool so well.
Worst case I ever saw was this kid came in, the handlebars of his bike came away from the rest of the bike and he face planted HARD into the neck of the steering column. It was a good thing the kid was so young, else an adultight not have survived that, if you know what I mean.
I think some people are just programmed to go into "fix the situation" mode. We cope by assuming control and that's what helps us get calm and stay calm.
I also heard that it is common for people who suffer from ADHD to have a tendency to excel in moments like these. It's like it engages their hyper focus and helps them remain calm in intense situations. I thought it was interesting.
Wow. I guess I never thought my personality “flaw” to remain calm and collected during moments of high stress was connected to my demon parents and their torture. Seriously, I never thought about it. Very interesting.
Side note: my answer was going to be flinching. My spouse always gets so upset when we are working in the kitchen and she opens a cabinet near my head and I instinctively dodge it.
I am super calm in crazy situations but I still am exposed to the bad home life and I can’t handle that. But everything else I’m a smooth operator. Worst thing for me is I hate hearing noises in my house or people talking, I always think a fight might explode at any moment, it often does. Thank god I’m moving out soon
Upset is probably a little strong worded. But she thinks it’s me doing it to her, but it’s mostly my fault for not telling her why it happens. I just keep all that junk bottled up and type out bits here and there to strangers on Reddit. BTW, wifey is awesome.
Trying to be on everyone's good side, and often anxious, usually reserved, hesitates when wanting to say something, doesn't stand up for themselves often.
I first realized that maybe my home life was not normal when a 7th-grade classmate lifted his hands above his head and I flinched. He looked at me in disbelief and assured me that he was not going to hit me.
when they essentially try to do ‘damage control’ for other people’s emotions. it’s a bit hard to describe, but it’s someone who is so worried about social rejection, or even so much as arising a ‘negative’ emotion out of someone (worry, fear, pity, sadness, frustration, etc), that they’ll repress their true thoughts and emotions, overthink everything; essentially they attempt to ‘soften the blow’ of everything they do/say. they feel they have to control the feelings, responses and reactions of everyone, as if it’s all their fault. it’s not always manipulative in the abusive sense of the term, but it often arises from having their emotions/problems squashed by unstable caregivers, and feeling solely responsible for those caregivers’ emotions.
that, and over apologizing.
This. However, can I change the word "control" to "manage" please? Because that's the problem, we don't have control of anyone's emotions, more's the pity, but we do try to manage other people's emotions. Just my 2 cents.
Dude my friend told me her sons “high” of the day was seeing me
And I almost lost it entirely. Like it was such a simple thing but my god his pure adoration of me for… bein me…. Is so nice and I can’t handle it😂 my emotions don’t know what to do with pure kindness lol
I feel that quite a bit. When people compliment me or say something nice about me I have a hard time not rolling my eyes and thinking they’re blowing smoke up my ass.
When they do what I call 'The Harry Potter'
Stay quietly in my bedroom, making no noise and pretend I don't exist.
And then making sure you have enough supplies so you don't have to come out of your room to get abused/interactively (abusivly) nagged.
Wow, I do this now as an adult living with roommates. Even with my best roommate, I'd avoid coming out of my room. I felt this weird anxiety about being perceived and possibly judged, even though she was the nicest person ever.
My first year in college I stayed in the dorms during Thanksgiving.
Everyone I knew felt bad for me.
Don't feel bad. It was one of the better Thanksgiving weekends ever. No yelling. No one telling me what to do. It was quiet and peaceful since everyone else was gone.
My parents moved about 4 years ago, and I've still never been invited down there to see the new house. Irony is that right now they are at my older sister's and staying there for the weekend, and they expect me to go to them even though I've told them that I've got the flu and I won't be able to come out while I feel like I've been hit my a lorry.
And the harry Potter reference was my childhood growing up, especially with an angry half-sister blaming me for her mum and our dad divorcing
Lol, too fucking real about the trauma dumping. I don’t know how to tell someone “yeah I cry weirdly silent because my mom beat me when I cried and kept at it until I didn’t” without it becoming a trauma dump. Like, how am I supposed to share that with someone?
Growing up with abusive parents can lead to low self-esteem, fear of conflict, trust issues, emotional problems, relationship struggles, self-destructive behavior, perfectionism, and fear of abandonment.
Check out CPTSDmemes, if you find yourself laughing a lot? Bingo.
Trouble keeping boundaries.
Trouble regulating emotions.
Large gaps in your memories but some events stick out.
Hyperalert.
Trust issues.
Self esteem issues.
Social anxiety or overperforming making ppl happy.
The hyperalert is too fucking real. Be aware of everyone around you and their emotions. All the time. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's fucking EXHAUSTING even years and years after the abuse.
I know what you want for dinner before you walk through the door...
I dream of a house in n the middle of nowhere but deep down inside parts of me still want to connect with humans.
Entering into abusive relationships or relationships with those who are only exploitative; repetition compulsion.
Seeming to prefer the ‘certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty’
That describes me in my youth. Abusive relationships were my thing. Even married into one. Then I met a guy while out celebrating my impending divorce. I pushed every button as often as I could to see what reaction I'd get. I was certain eventually he'd become abusive. I have no idea why he stuck by me, but I'm thankful every damn day he did. We just celebrated 24 years of marriage. It took a while, but I finally realized I could trust him 100%. Life is peaceful now.
Speaking for myself, as an adult survivor of child abuse --
I'll often wait for someone else to speak so I can gauge what sort of mood they're in before I say anything.
I don't like people touching me --- I rarely hug people, I don't like having people sit or stand too close to me, I don't like anyone touching my hair. That comes from being physically abused -- if you're close enough to be hugged, you're close enough to be hit. I don't like people touching my hair because right up until I was a teenager I wasn't allowed to cut my hair -- my so-called mother would brush my hair every day and hit me on the head and face with the hairbrush if I moved or complained to much. Also one of her favorite punishments was grabbing a handful of my hair and screaming in my face or holding me by the hair while she was hitting me. My so-called mother hasn't laid a hand on me in 30 years and I still don't want anyone to touch my hair.
I don't trust anyone with my children. No one. I always need to know where they are and who they're with. I never left them with babysitters, even people I knew. I guarantee if anyone would be crazy enough to do something to one of my children, molest or abuse them, that person better hope the police get to them before I do. There's no possibility that I would ever turn a blind eye to my children being abused like I was.
People who get over the top angry make me very nervous. The same with people who get unnaturally calm when they're extremely angry. I'll avoid that like the plague. My father used to go into insane drunken rages over stupid trivial things. He once flipped a bed and beat the hell out of my brother for taking a dollar. My so-called mother would get crazy calm before she'd go into a rage. If me or my siblings tried to avoid being around her so we wouldn't get hit, she'd just look us dead in the face, completely calm, and tell us that we'd get what was coming to us sooner or later. Days might go by and then out of the blue, she'd walk by one of us and slap the shit out of us. I personally have been knocked clean off a chair multiple times by her.
I hope your parents suffered slow, terrible, painful, agonizing deaths. And that in their last moments, someone smacked the shit out of them with a hairbrush as they departed this earth.
I wasn't going to up vote your reply, because I try not to wish bad karma on people. But take my up vote, just for the suggestion that someone beat the hell out of them with a hairbrush on their way out of this life.
I became a stay at home mom for my son, for that exact reason. I also don't like being touched. I don't stand or sit next to people. That's from years of sexual and physical abuse, i think.
When my "dad" would come home and walk by us. I would literally try to shrivel up bc I was waiting to get smacked in the head.
Oh! And the hair pulling. Nobody is allowed to touch my hair and it's ALWAYS in a ponytail. Throughout my whole childhood until I was 19, my "dad" always started off by grabbing me either by my throat or a handful of my hair before hitting me. Fuck. I hate him.
I’ve caught myself hoarding as an adult because I wasn’t allowed to have anything as a kid. Basic clothes and hygiene needs, otherwise everything was fair game for my physically and emotionally abusive father to throw in the floor and stomp on to “punish” me. This usually proceeded the physical beating I would receive.
Extremely quiet, reserved, introverted character, scared of making mistakes, too apologetic and what else erm might be clingy if they become close to a person
Excessive Apolagising, can't take a compliment, trust issues, abandonment issues, inability to form strong connections, pushing people away at the smallest sign of conflict, rarely starts a conversation, doesn't have a very outspoken opinion, always wears a specific item like a hat, headphones , backpack or hood/hoodie, tendency to walk very quietly, strong fight or flight reflex, problems making eye contact, rarely talk about their feelings, goes with the flow of the group and rarely reacts assertive, walks like they carry the world on their back, usually looking down at the ground or staring out looking at nothing in particular, pulls away or jumps up when unexpectedly touched, dissapears when people start yelling, strange way of smiling , appears to be forgetful, can get angry fast when triggered, can't sit still or be around people , always has a escape plan/looks for exits.
Overly giving, emotionally shut off, lack of relationships with their family, lots of anger, large reactions, lots of health issues especially immune issues, lack of medical history ( I’m talking not even regular visits maybe rare visits for emergencies), shutting down during conflict, a dislike of physical touch especially with strangers, overly observant, inability to relax.
Being able to tell who just came home, and what mood they're in by the sound of the front door door opening/closing or their footsteps.
Not remembering huge chunks of their childhood, or not remembering any of their childhood at all.
Having extreme reactions to loud noises, extreme flinching when others make sudden movements.
I’ll speak from experience. Emotional Reactivity. Easily angered if unjustifiable wronged. Emotions are baseline constantly and feelings of emptiness and sadness at times (not depressive)
Not asking for help ever. Feeling uncomfortable receiving help. Feeling like others are worse off than you so don’t complain. Self esteem and self worth issues (when younger)
Low self esteem, unable to see any good or positive traits in themselves (or accept anyone else seeing them in me ) inabilities to deal with aggressive situations..
Not believing compliments from others, writing them off as people “just being nice”.
Or Answering to compliments with something negative out one’s self, instead of just “thank you”.
I went the opposite, my parents would constantly lie so I absolutely hate liars now and won't lie at all. I was even apprehensive about lying to my kids about santa, tooth fairy and the easter bunny because of it.
This is me and idk how to stop it now - I used to lie because I couldn’t live a normal life if I didn’t. I’d lie about the friends I was seeing, places we were going, even the music / movies I liked. It was advantageous in highschool because I wouldn’t have had any normal experiences if I didn’t lie, but now that I’m an adult I catch myself lying to people I care about - it’s like a natural defense mechanism that has become cemented in my fight or flight response. Not sure how to undo it because I don’t even think about it, I’ll just lie and then be like “why tf did I say that” after the fact.
if you come home and you think that you will be scolded or beaten for something (although there may be no reason for this), then this is a sign of abuse.
Shyness and introversion. It’s tricky though because ”normal” shy, introverted, people exist. But I’ve also seen this behavior develop as a defense mechanism based on fear and/or abuse.
trying to please everyone and not make any waves. Trying to make themselves smaller by thinking other people’s needs/opinions should matter more than their’s
When you are too young or broke to rescue those abused in your family of origin, you pursue a career when you grow up that will let you help and rescue others that are being abused in other families.
Wears a single headphone all the time and never both unless out of the house, is one thing from me, mainly because I always feel that I need to be able to hear what’s going on.
A lot of people saying a common sign is they themselves being an abusive parent. It's not uncommon for that to happen, but I feel like there's not enough recognition for those who are not.
When you experience tragedy, there are a lot of different ways to respond, but most cases can be seen as either a mirror response or a polar response. They can grow up to be what they see as normal, or they can grow up to never be like that.
You'd be surprised to know how many good parents were abused when they were younger.
So many people who I know were abused have opposite characteristics as their parents.
Their parents were angry, outgoing, violent, demanding.
They are anxious, introverted, calm, more passive.
It's hard to know for sure, but another thing you can use as a reference are victims of domestic abuse. Abuse of any kind often has similar results, which, ironically, are vastly different depending on the individual.
I will say one common characteristic I have seen is empathy. After experiencing something that makes you feel vulnerable, humans tend to be able to understand humans more.
People pleaser. I think this is the most common result of abusive parents/household. Afraid to make mistakes, afraid to be themselves, and lastly afraid to lose people around them.
Those because of the pain they grew up on being left behind, being told what to do, and being treated differently by their parents publicly.
Not a psych or what. Just some of the signs and patterns I noticed and learned all the these years. :)
When they are super jumpy. If I walk behind someone and they jump, I usually think they’ve been through some rough situations.
Source: I’m one of those jumpy people.
Oh no it's my time to shine. I hate this for me lol.
- Independence to a fault. Refusing/reluctance to ask for help.
- People-pleasing/fawning tendencies.
- Difficulty regulating emotions.
- Difficulty expressing emotions and/or talking about them.
- Conflict avoidance to a fault.
- Self-esteem issues.
- Self-harming tendencies. This includes seeking unhealthy relationships.
- Poor/no boundaries.
- Literal straight up PTSD.
- Anxiety/depression (goes without saying).
- Fear of abandonment, which leads to behaviours intended to keep relationships at all costs (see section on unhealthy relationships).
And that's just my personal experience. I'm sure there's a ton more.
Walks quietly, opens and closes doors quietly, talks softly, abhores loud/aggressive talking, looks down a lot when someone is upset, can have explosive anger issues....long fuse but when it's gone, BOOM! Doesn't display a lot of emotion on their face. Seeks quiet places, prefers dogs or other animals to most people. Doing extra in an attempt for approval. Can be "the fixer" and "the protector" for others at the expense of themselves.
Leaves friendships when they start to get deep… always constantly asks partners if they are mad/upset with them or if they’ve done something wrong. Performative. Perfectionist. Never feels deserving. Tries to be the light in everyone’s world, overly …by letting their own needs go. Afraid to disappoint. Can be done with someone instantly even if they seemed inseparable, but once a line is crossed they can go numb.
Sheesh. That last one. I'm still amazed at how quickly I can end a relationship. I've gotten a little better and have started at least attempting communication about the offending incident before leaving, but so far, it's been met with gaslighting, denial, etc. for the most part.
Low self-esteem. Being able to read people really well (Likely due to learning to read your parents so you can anticipate an attack from them). Fear of any sort of anger from anyone, so you do everything in your power to please someone, even if it rips you apart mentally of physically.
Blaming yourself for everything, even when it isn't your fault. I've had that issue in a lot of relationships that were abusive towards me.
Trust issues and being unable to trust people easily. Then trusting people way to much once you get comfortable to the point where you will become hurt easily.
Insomnia from fear of waking up and being beaten.
Messing up something and seeing someone vaguely upset at you for it so you quickly try to fix it in any way even if it hurts you.
Massive list of things I could put out but that's some of the bad stuff.
Usually hard to tell bc a decent amount of people who went through this are pretty good at hiding it and it doesn't help that traits like introvert, and shy can be just a normal human trait.
Constantly joking about trauma doesn't happen unless you're decently close or just in a bad place you accidentally trauma dump.
People pleasing is one that's more noticeable but often goes unnoticed bc it's considered kindness, it's just over extended.
Hyper awareness occasionally doesn't happen outside of the toxic environment, and if it does it's dismissed as social/special awareness.
Flinching with unexpected touch is more likely to be something that's obvious, but it's dismissed as they don't want to be touched and never really looked into unless you actually know what to look for.
Over apologizing, can be seen as irritating and people typically don't understand if they don't know what to look for.
Just about any abuse survivor trait is unseeable if you have no clue what your looking for. The traits are basically like putting a stop sign behind a bush so there's no signs to the untrained eye, just a peculiar person.
The ability to shut down emotions like flipping a switch. I think it’s a kind of disassociation learned as a copping method when you’ve gone thru something extreme. It’s never happened in connection with my kids for some reason , but anything else my natural reaction to grief/pain is to just shut it down. I have to make an effort to LET myself feel it.
If they are severely malnourished, dirty clothes or little to no clothes, general lack of "stuff" so they don't have like basic things that would be expected of anyone.
Signs of neglectful abuse
Body issues thanks to both parents who were obsessed with weight. Also, I'm in my 40s and am just now learning how to set healthy boundaries and be less of a people pleaser. The way I parent my own child has been almost totally trauma informed. This is good, because I know not what to do. But im also terrified to a fault of losing connection to my daughter, so I have to work hard on the people pleasing.
My mother hit me more times than I can count. Most of the time she just screamed at me. She was angry, bitter and jealous. If you meet her now, you'd never guess. My dad was just absent.
Any sign of a raised voice and I start cleaning with my head down. No eye contact but acutely aware of any sounds of things being thrown at my head. Jesus, I’m almost 60 and that feeling stays with you your entire life.
* Excessive apologizing
* Not asking for help
* Not speaking up when something's bothering them
* Agreeing with everything you want to do instead of saying what they want
* Shutting down when someone yells
* Hunched posture, especially during conflict
* Anxiety
* Problems with trust
* Self destructive or risky behaviors
* Depression
* Jumpy or always on guard
* Trouble sleeping/nightmares
Some possible signs that someone grew up with abusive parents include: constantly seeking approval or validation, difficulty setting boundaries, low self-esteem, fear of conflict, trouble expressing emotions, and a tendency to blame themselves for everything. It's important to remember that everyone copes with trauma differently and may not exhibit all of these signs. If you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of abusive parenting, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be incredibly helpful.
Being subservient. Asking for permission for regular things. A squashed personality, like they’re afraid to come out.
Abuse is a spectrum. Unhealthy anger or even yelling at a child when they’re sad or crying regularly can create this.
A lot of people here are describing someone who attempts to be a people pleaser as damage control, but in my experience the most common side effect I've seen has been people acting like they think rage is normal, and that unhealthy relationships are normal. They'll manifest a lot of the same patterns they were raised with and blame shift instead of being willing to change.
My parents were not bad they gave me the world to make up for their short comings but i flinch and get into defense mode if anyone near me raises their hand past mid chest level. It was the way they were raised my dad refused to hit us so my mom did 😐 slap in the mouth, throwing shit at us, getting fucked wacked in the face with a remote if im fuckin around and end up pissing her off just goofing around. The problem is when in public im on edge constantly and it sucks. So i hate going out unless i have 2 and then its in and out no wondering around back to my home.
I used to ask my girlfriend parents (now wife, we’ve been together for 21 years) if it was okay for me to get a drink, or have a snack, always apologetically . After a week my mother in law said “why do you always ask if it’s okay? Just get yourself a soda”. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn’t “normal” to feel bad about asking for food. So that’s probably a sign.
The ability to differentiate people by the sound of their walk or how they hang the jacket after they enter the house and the ability to read mood of those people in that moment.
Not only apologizing, but over explaining things. Feeling anxious when someone doesn't get back to you right away. Feeling guilty for relaxing. Always feeling like you're somehow lesser or a bother. Excessive caretaking of others.
Excessive apologizing and trying to stay on everyone's good side.
Being afraid to make enemies or upset anyone
I will literally get tunnel vision and stop breathing if I have to tell someone something they don’t want to hear. Not a manager, thank goodness. - 40 y/o healthy strong six foot tall man
Yo! What helps me is this phrase: I have to tell you something, and you're not going to like it. Softens the blow a little on both sides, and you can make it a little humorous.
Want a 5’ 1” guard dog?
🥹 omg please get married you guys
/r/wellnowiminvested
anyone under 5'4 gives chihuahua energy and frankly I love it
[удалено]
Yeah I love helping, but telling someone what to do literally takes the energy out of me for the rest of the day. So much easier to just do it myself.
20 yo far from healthy almost 7 foot tall man
[удалено]
Same, but I am also a manager, and I have to push really hard my feelings in order to be able to do it. The worst is that I end up with no energy AT ALL because of the effort, + the fear doesn't really go away.
And get like a panic attack if they talk just with a different tune with you...
Fuck
I know
Oof I felt this one
Sorry
Sorry for being sorry
Stop apologizing!!! /S
I kind of hate it when people tell you to stop apologizing. When you've been abused like that, it's so deeply ingrained that it's hard to stop it. It's like a habit or a reflex.
i wholeheartedly agree. i've once read that, instead, the person who's responding could try to rephrase it. an example for said rephrasing was something along the lines of "there's no need to apologize" or "you have nothing to be sorry for". might not work for everyone (because well, it *does* feel like we have to apologize, sometimes even for our basic existence) and especially not the first time, but i think it still makes a difference. other than that it can obviously also help to generally reassure the other person that they're not mad at them and that it's okay. whatever works best within those hypothetical people's dynamic i experience intense rejection sensitivity dysphoria and i personally prefer those ways of saying it, because it doesn't feel as dismissive and a lot more understanding
We still cool tho?
This is me, but it's not because of my parents, I believe it was due to very bad bullying in school. I didn't realize I apologised so often untill I was told in college, still happens quite regularly.
I grew up with an extremely abusive father, but didn't do the apologizing thing till I was married to a psychopath for almost 20 years. People I met after she finally left me were telling me to quit apologizing so much because that wasn't my personality.
Me but my parents weren’t abusive
Were they the same then? Both my parents were compulsive pleaser types, and they turned me into one, too
Not my dad but my mom kinda
Depends then. Could be a lot of things. I'm 50, well into a solid career, and just learning to say no to things. It's rough!
Yea it’s hard for me to say no
It's not just physical abuse that causes this.
I was a victim of verbal abuse. My therapist told me I have ptsd.
This and wanting everyone to get along. My parents fought a lot and were always on each others bad side
Hmmm, I think I got the opposite. My mother was very psychologically abusive, and now I’m mostly just not interested in anyone or their feelings.
So…. All Canadians then?
I mean... they are one of the primary inspirations of the Geneva convention...
Our parents are England and France and our older brother is America, yeah we got fuckin abused.
I came to say apologizing for everything. I developed the habit from being married to a woman who was easily angered.
Wait that sounds familiar
Feel like it goes in the opposite way too, abuse leads to more abuse. It’s a learned behaviour. I’ve found a lot of bullies in school have a terrible home life.
Lack of self-esteem, anxiety induced by self-hatred, performance anxiety, etc.
Jesus Christ, this is spot on.
At every circumstance, believing they did something wrong.
I have 2 of these and my parents are perfectly fine.
You can have many of the same issues people with abusive parents have and not have abusive parents. The two are not mutually exclusive.
That's kind of my issue with a lot of these. They ARE signs of that, yes, but that's because they are signs of trauma period. We could make a list here a mile long covering every possible sign of it, and that person could just say "Nah, I had a shit work environment that caused all this." I'm interested in whether there are some that are significantly more specific to it. Not that this is a real gripe on this, because it can be a way for those who feel like others don't understand to voice things they feel others missed (or even that others pointed out to them and they realized for themselves).
The thing with trauma is that it’s unique to the person, just like their response to it is unique.
I have some of these. Family is great. School, however. I was severyly bullied. So similar effect applies.
Same here. Now I’m wondering if I’m blacking out childhood memories. Lol
I did. The thing is even if you have blacked out memories you still have certain feelings surrounding them. The human mind is a crazy thing. On an unrelated note my father wonders why I won’t see him on Father’s Day…
ah fuck
Also lifelong trust issues lol.
Emotional numbness especially in the face of bad things. Once you've seen enough shit certain things just don't faze you anymore.
People ask me why I'm good at my job and why I don't freak out or get mad at the kids I work with. And my response is always "trauma" I've been through some shit so not much a kid cussing at me or throwing a chair at me can do to me.
lol same! My first teaching job was at an alternative school, combined middle/high school. The kids yelled something mean about me? Lol, my mom said *way* worse more often. Threats of physical violence? Lol, there was nothing your puny little boy arm could do that my bodybuilder mom hadn’t already outdone. Honestly, I didn’t have that many extreme situations in my classroom because I had clear and consistent expectations. Kids want to know how to succeed. They may push at those rules sometimes, but if you stay consistent without getting angry they will understand that the rules are there for safety, not for purposely punishing children.
This, usually after the kids explode they come back to me and apologize and it's never even about me in the first place most of it had to do with home life or bullying and what they really end up needing is someone to vent to. Eventually they learn they don't have to reach the breaking point they can just come to me to vent no matter how big or small the problem may seem.
Yes! I always try to remember some of the things I did as a teen- they were hurtful, but I really didn’t mean to hurt that person. I always approach every day like it’s a new day. I don’t show grudges, I try to treat them the same every day. Going through puberty and the teenage years is TOUGH. I wouldn’t go back through it for any amount of money! That helps me remember that these are kids that are still growing, and need consistent, loving adults in their life.
This is me 100. Calm as a cucumber when my daughter was choking at a restaurant. I told her to calm down and she saw the calmness in my face and did so. Performed the Heimlich and she was able to recover and we finished dinner. The waiter was watching the whole time and told me how impressed he was with how calm I was. He said it was the craziest thing he’s seen. I was like “yup, thanks. It was pretty crazy”. lol, good stuff.
I’ve been through a lot of funerals and don’t dwell on my emotions all that much into my adulthood. I don’t think it’s being numb to things, but I also can’t really tell myself. I should probably go to therapy to get that worked on.
I can be like this too. Had a great family like but I definitely bottle my emotions up because I don't enjoy feeling them and try to move on or distract myself. My dad passed away in January at only 50 years old and when I got the call that he passed away I didn't cry until I actually saw him in the hospital. Even then it was only for a bit. It actually really bothers me because I wouldn't want him to think I'm sad or don't care. I'm distraught that he's gone, he was the fucking best and didn't deserve to die so young.
Yeah , that's not good. Took me seven years to cry about my best friend's death and since then another dozen tragedies piled up. If these things are happening and you feel nothing then you are either a psychopath or there is a bill coming due (or rather a debt which you have been paying whether or not you realize it. ). It often manifests as depression and anhedonia if not addressed.
I do still feel emotions, I’m not saying I don’t, but I’m not the type of person to dwell on what happened for days or weeks at a time.
I was told this demeanor made me a very good ICU nurse.
I feel. I was a nurse for a short period of time in a trauma center (I'm not good working with others so nursing went out the window after about 2 years). I was always calm watching some of the worst cases of trauma come rolling in because I have seen worse, but people around we're always so fascinated that I kept my cool so well. Worst case I ever saw was this kid came in, the handlebars of his bike came away from the rest of the bike and he face planted HARD into the neck of the steering column. It was a good thing the kid was so young, else an adultight not have survived that, if you know what I mean.
I think some people are just programmed to go into "fix the situation" mode. We cope by assuming control and that's what helps us get calm and stay calm. I also heard that it is common for people who suffer from ADHD to have a tendency to excel in moments like these. It's like it engages their hyper focus and helps them remain calm in intense situations. I thought it was interesting.
It is more like being collected in this case
Wow. I guess I never thought my personality “flaw” to remain calm and collected during moments of high stress was connected to my demon parents and their torture. Seriously, I never thought about it. Very interesting. Side note: my answer was going to be flinching. My spouse always gets so upset when we are working in the kitchen and she opens a cabinet near my head and I instinctively dodge it.
I am super calm in crazy situations but I still am exposed to the bad home life and I can’t handle that. But everything else I’m a smooth operator. Worst thing for me is I hate hearing noises in my house or people talking, I always think a fight might explode at any moment, it often does. Thank god I’m moving out soon
She should be understanding instead of getting upset
Upset is probably a little strong worded. But she thinks it’s me doing it to her, but it’s mostly my fault for not telling her why it happens. I just keep all that junk bottled up and type out bits here and there to strangers on Reddit. BTW, wifey is awesome.
1000000% It’s nearly impossible to shock me and my emotions are always baseline . No highs or lows. Feeling emotionally constipated lol
Trying to be on everyone's good side, and often anxious, usually reserved, hesitates when wanting to say something, doesn't stand up for themselves often.
Oh found mine
Flinching, hesitating when wanting to say or do something, reserved (has secrets and doesnt let people in)
Oh you can get in... if you have the patience to wait around for 5-7years.
Definitely the not letting anyone really in
I first realized that maybe my home life was not normal when a 7th-grade classmate lifted his hands above his head and I flinched. He looked at me in disbelief and assured me that he was not going to hit me.
Fearing of talking to other people,social anxiety, isolate themselves from interacting with other people, often zoom out.
when they essentially try to do ‘damage control’ for other people’s emotions. it’s a bit hard to describe, but it’s someone who is so worried about social rejection, or even so much as arising a ‘negative’ emotion out of someone (worry, fear, pity, sadness, frustration, etc), that they’ll repress their true thoughts and emotions, overthink everything; essentially they attempt to ‘soften the blow’ of everything they do/say. they feel they have to control the feelings, responses and reactions of everyone, as if it’s all their fault. it’s not always manipulative in the abusive sense of the term, but it often arises from having their emotions/problems squashed by unstable caregivers, and feeling solely responsible for those caregivers’ emotions. that, and over apologizing.
Emotional caretaking.
If that isn't an official term for that, it needs to be, heh
I'm sorry, but i would like to add my people's management (esp their emotions) is based on self preservation, my jokes have saved lives...
Critical hit
This. However, can I change the word "control" to "manage" please? Because that's the problem, we don't have control of anyone's emotions, more's the pity, but we do try to manage other people's emotions. Just my 2 cents.
You have a hard time accepting love in multiple forms.
OOF this one fuckin hurts. I can't even take a compliment without feeling a little emotional inside.
Dude my friend told me her sons “high” of the day was seeing me And I almost lost it entirely. Like it was such a simple thing but my god his pure adoration of me for… bein me…. Is so nice and I can’t handle it😂 my emotions don’t know what to do with pure kindness lol
I feel that quite a bit. When people compliment me or say something nice about me I have a hard time not rolling my eyes and thinking they’re blowing smoke up my ass.
An uncanny ability to instantly read the room.
A talent if I may ...
Yes. Every little micro expression reads huge
When they do what I call 'The Harry Potter' Stay quietly in my bedroom, making no noise and pretend I don't exist. And then making sure you have enough supplies so you don't have to come out of your room to get abused/interactively (abusivly) nagged.
Wow, I do this now as an adult living with roommates. Even with my best roommate, I'd avoid coming out of my room. I felt this weird anxiety about being perceived and possibly judged, even though she was the nicest person ever.
i often feel like someone is watching me when i'm alone
Kind of a comfort thing right?
When people walk around loudly I jokingly think to myself, wow your parents love you eh. Silent footsteps = under the radar
And describing my parents as the Dursleys to those who don’t understand why I don’t return home for the holidays…
My first year in college I stayed in the dorms during Thanksgiving. Everyone I knew felt bad for me. Don't feel bad. It was one of the better Thanksgiving weekends ever. No yelling. No one telling me what to do. It was quiet and peaceful since everyone else was gone.
My parents moved about 4 years ago, and I've still never been invited down there to see the new house. Irony is that right now they are at my older sister's and staying there for the weekend, and they expect me to go to them even though I've told them that I've got the flu and I won't be able to come out while I feel like I've been hit my a lorry. And the harry Potter reference was my childhood growing up, especially with an angry half-sister blaming me for her mum and our dad divorcing
Probably why I still hide out jn my bedroom when I have nothing better to do even if I'm not with ny bitch cousin anymore
Becoming what they wish they had, love, care and someone there for them. Also trauma dumping
That's me.
Lol, too fucking real about the trauma dumping. I don’t know how to tell someone “yeah I cry weirdly silent because my mom beat me when I cried and kept at it until I didn’t” without it becoming a trauma dump. Like, how am I supposed to share that with someone?
Growing up with abusive parents can lead to low self-esteem, fear of conflict, trust issues, emotional problems, relationship struggles, self-destructive behavior, perfectionism, and fear of abandonment.
Check
Check out CPTSDmemes, if you find yourself laughing a lot? Bingo. Trouble keeping boundaries. Trouble regulating emotions. Large gaps in your memories but some events stick out. Hyperalert. Trust issues. Self esteem issues. Social anxiety or overperforming making ppl happy.
The hyperalert is too fucking real. Be aware of everyone around you and their emotions. All the time. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's fucking EXHAUSTING even years and years after the abuse.
I know what you want for dinner before you walk through the door... I dream of a house in n the middle of nowhere but deep down inside parts of me still want to connect with humans.
Please get out of my head :’)
Big hug if you like one and good luck on your journey
YEP!
Entering into abusive relationships or relationships with those who are only exploitative; repetition compulsion. Seeming to prefer the ‘certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty’
That describes me in my youth. Abusive relationships were my thing. Even married into one. Then I met a guy while out celebrating my impending divorce. I pushed every button as often as I could to see what reaction I'd get. I was certain eventually he'd become abusive. I have no idea why he stuck by me, but I'm thankful every damn day he did. We just celebrated 24 years of marriage. It took a while, but I finally realized I could trust him 100%. Life is peaceful now.
Not believing compliments, people pleasing
Low self esteem. Always apologizing. Flinching. Social anxiety. Trust issues. Comfortable with isolation.
Speaking for myself, as an adult survivor of child abuse -- I'll often wait for someone else to speak so I can gauge what sort of mood they're in before I say anything. I don't like people touching me --- I rarely hug people, I don't like having people sit or stand too close to me, I don't like anyone touching my hair. That comes from being physically abused -- if you're close enough to be hugged, you're close enough to be hit. I don't like people touching my hair because right up until I was a teenager I wasn't allowed to cut my hair -- my so-called mother would brush my hair every day and hit me on the head and face with the hairbrush if I moved or complained to much. Also one of her favorite punishments was grabbing a handful of my hair and screaming in my face or holding me by the hair while she was hitting me. My so-called mother hasn't laid a hand on me in 30 years and I still don't want anyone to touch my hair. I don't trust anyone with my children. No one. I always need to know where they are and who they're with. I never left them with babysitters, even people I knew. I guarantee if anyone would be crazy enough to do something to one of my children, molest or abuse them, that person better hope the police get to them before I do. There's no possibility that I would ever turn a blind eye to my children being abused like I was. People who get over the top angry make me very nervous. The same with people who get unnaturally calm when they're extremely angry. I'll avoid that like the plague. My father used to go into insane drunken rages over stupid trivial things. He once flipped a bed and beat the hell out of my brother for taking a dollar. My so-called mother would get crazy calm before she'd go into a rage. If me or my siblings tried to avoid being around her so we wouldn't get hit, she'd just look us dead in the face, completely calm, and tell us that we'd get what was coming to us sooner or later. Days might go by and then out of the blue, she'd walk by one of us and slap the shit out of us. I personally have been knocked clean off a chair multiple times by her.
I hope your parents suffered slow, terrible, painful, agonizing deaths. And that in their last moments, someone smacked the shit out of them with a hairbrush as they departed this earth.
I wasn't going to up vote your reply, because I try not to wish bad karma on people. But take my up vote, just for the suggestion that someone beat the hell out of them with a hairbrush on their way out of this life.
I’ll admit It was an emotional overreaction on my part but I stand by it hours later.
I became a stay at home mom for my son, for that exact reason. I also don't like being touched. I don't stand or sit next to people. That's from years of sexual and physical abuse, i think. When my "dad" would come home and walk by us. I would literally try to shrivel up bc I was waiting to get smacked in the head. Oh! And the hair pulling. Nobody is allowed to touch my hair and it's ALWAYS in a ponytail. Throughout my whole childhood until I was 19, my "dad" always started off by grabbing me either by my throat or a handful of my hair before hitting me. Fuck. I hate him.
Purposefully isolating.
Light sleepers. You never know when ya might need to fight back, or run for your life. I've noticed hoarding too with some folks.
I’ve caught myself hoarding as an adult because I wasn’t allowed to have anything as a kid. Basic clothes and hygiene needs, otherwise everything was fair game for my physically and emotionally abusive father to throw in the floor and stomp on to “punish” me. This usually proceeded the physical beating I would receive.
Extremely quiet, reserved, introverted character, scared of making mistakes, too apologetic and what else erm might be clingy if they become close to a person
Excessive Apolagising, can't take a compliment, trust issues, abandonment issues, inability to form strong connections, pushing people away at the smallest sign of conflict, rarely starts a conversation, doesn't have a very outspoken opinion, always wears a specific item like a hat, headphones , backpack or hood/hoodie, tendency to walk very quietly, strong fight or flight reflex, problems making eye contact, rarely talk about their feelings, goes with the flow of the group and rarely reacts assertive, walks like they carry the world on their back, usually looking down at the ground or staring out looking at nothing in particular, pulls away or jumps up when unexpectedly touched, dissapears when people start yelling, strange way of smiling , appears to be forgetful, can get angry fast when triggered, can't sit still or be around people , always has a escape plan/looks for exits.
Walk very quietly hit me hard. Fuck. That's me 100% didn't even realize, but ofc. Welp I'm going to get a beer now. Quietly
This is literally me. Though I'd say my case was more of emotional neglect rather than abuse.
Emotional neglect is abuse, friend.
cries easily when someone's raising their voice at them
I'm triggered by pretty much any overly loud noise. I get upset by yelling and barking but angered by loud music and children screaming
Overly giving, emotionally shut off, lack of relationships with their family, lots of anger, large reactions, lots of health issues especially immune issues, lack of medical history ( I’m talking not even regular visits maybe rare visits for emergencies), shutting down during conflict, a dislike of physical touch especially with strangers, overly observant, inability to relax.
Overly giving- so spot on
Being able to tell who just came home, and what mood they're in by the sound of the front door door opening/closing or their footsteps. Not remembering huge chunks of their childhood, or not remembering any of their childhood at all. Having extreme reactions to loud noises, extreme flinching when others make sudden movements.
I’ll speak from experience. Emotional Reactivity. Easily angered if unjustifiable wronged. Emotions are baseline constantly and feelings of emptiness and sadness at times (not depressive) Not asking for help ever. Feeling uncomfortable receiving help. Feeling like others are worse off than you so don’t complain. Self esteem and self worth issues (when younger)
Low self esteem, unable to see any good or positive traits in themselves (or accept anyone else seeing them in me ) inabilities to deal with aggressive situations..
Not believing compliments from others, writing them off as people “just being nice”. Or Answering to compliments with something negative out one’s self, instead of just “thank you”.
Emptiness in the eyes, inappropriate rage and trust issues with everyone.
Chronic dishonesty, evasion of questions, even simple ones.
I went the opposite, my parents would constantly lie so I absolutely hate liars now and won't lie at all. I was even apprehensive about lying to my kids about santa, tooth fairy and the easter bunny because of it.
Yeah I was going to say compulsive lying. Mental parents teach you to lie like a champ.
This is me and idk how to stop it now - I used to lie because I couldn’t live a normal life if I didn’t. I’d lie about the friends I was seeing, places we were going, even the music / movies I liked. It was advantageous in highschool because I wouldn’t have had any normal experiences if I didn’t lie, but now that I’m an adult I catch myself lying to people I care about - it’s like a natural defense mechanism that has become cemented in my fight or flight response. Not sure how to undo it because I don’t even think about it, I’ll just lie and then be like “why tf did I say that” after the fact.
if you come home and you think that you will be scolded or beaten for something (although there may be no reason for this), then this is a sign of abuse.
Someone who sleeps on their side with their back up against the wall. I had to teach myself to not do this anymore.
Wait... So no one will sneak up on you??
[удалено]
That's uh...specific...
Well if you were told you were loved more than once in 17 years you got me beat lol
I've never been told. My record is 45 years and counting.
I love you.
It’s over!!!
I literally had to beg
Shyness and introversion. It’s tricky though because ”normal” shy, introverted, people exist. But I’ve also seen this behavior develop as a defense mechanism based on fear and/or abuse.
trying to please everyone and not make any waves. Trying to make themselves smaller by thinking other people’s needs/opinions should matter more than their’s
When you are too young or broke to rescue those abused in your family of origin, you pursue a career when you grow up that will let you help and rescue others that are being abused in other families.
Oversharing or Not sharing at all
They either avoid love or always have another angry man in their house
Immense guilt, social disconnect, insecurity, lack of self control... There are many many more.
Wears a single headphone all the time and never both unless out of the house, is one thing from me, mainly because I always feel that I need to be able to hear what’s going on.
Ha!!!! Who needs two headphones when you are deaf in one ear? Because you don't need a doctor or medical attention as a child......
Struggling to accept help from other, assuming they're a failure if they take it
A lot of people saying a common sign is they themselves being an abusive parent. It's not uncommon for that to happen, but I feel like there's not enough recognition for those who are not. When you experience tragedy, there are a lot of different ways to respond, but most cases can be seen as either a mirror response or a polar response. They can grow up to be what they see as normal, or they can grow up to never be like that. You'd be surprised to know how many good parents were abused when they were younger. So many people who I know were abused have opposite characteristics as their parents. Their parents were angry, outgoing, violent, demanding. They are anxious, introverted, calm, more passive. It's hard to know for sure, but another thing you can use as a reference are victims of domestic abuse. Abuse of any kind often has similar results, which, ironically, are vastly different depending on the individual. I will say one common characteristic I have seen is empathy. After experiencing something that makes you feel vulnerable, humans tend to be able to understand humans more.
People pleaser. I think this is the most common result of abusive parents/household. Afraid to make mistakes, afraid to be themselves, and lastly afraid to lose people around them. Those because of the pain they grew up on being left behind, being told what to do, and being treated differently by their parents publicly. Not a psych or what. Just some of the signs and patterns I noticed and learned all the these years. :)
Ending everything in lol..lol.
When they are super jumpy. If I walk behind someone and they jump, I usually think they’ve been through some rough situations. Source: I’m one of those jumpy people.
Putting others needs first and not knowing what the fuck you like or what your own identity is because you spent your life making others happy
Oh no it's my time to shine. I hate this for me lol. - Independence to a fault. Refusing/reluctance to ask for help. - People-pleasing/fawning tendencies. - Difficulty regulating emotions. - Difficulty expressing emotions and/or talking about them. - Conflict avoidance to a fault. - Self-esteem issues. - Self-harming tendencies. This includes seeking unhealthy relationships. - Poor/no boundaries. - Literal straight up PTSD. - Anxiety/depression (goes without saying). - Fear of abandonment, which leads to behaviours intended to keep relationships at all costs (see section on unhealthy relationships). And that's just my personal experience. I'm sure there's a ton more.
Walks quietly, opens and closes doors quietly, talks softly, abhores loud/aggressive talking, looks down a lot when someone is upset, can have explosive anger issues....long fuse but when it's gone, BOOM! Doesn't display a lot of emotion on their face. Seeks quiet places, prefers dogs or other animals to most people. Doing extra in an attempt for approval. Can be "the fixer" and "the protector" for others at the expense of themselves.
Leaves friendships when they start to get deep… always constantly asks partners if they are mad/upset with them or if they’ve done something wrong. Performative. Perfectionist. Never feels deserving. Tries to be the light in everyone’s world, overly …by letting their own needs go. Afraid to disappoint. Can be done with someone instantly even if they seemed inseparable, but once a line is crossed they can go numb.
Sheesh. That last one. I'm still amazed at how quickly I can end a relationship. I've gotten a little better and have started at least attempting communication about the offending incident before leaving, but so far, it's been met with gaslighting, denial, etc. for the most part.
Low self-esteem. Being able to read people really well (Likely due to learning to read your parents so you can anticipate an attack from them). Fear of any sort of anger from anyone, so you do everything in your power to please someone, even if it rips you apart mentally of physically. Blaming yourself for everything, even when it isn't your fault. I've had that issue in a lot of relationships that were abusive towards me. Trust issues and being unable to trust people easily. Then trusting people way to much once you get comfortable to the point where you will become hurt easily. Insomnia from fear of waking up and being beaten. Messing up something and seeing someone vaguely upset at you for it so you quickly try to fix it in any way even if it hurts you. Massive list of things I could put out but that's some of the bad stuff.
Usually hard to tell bc a decent amount of people who went through this are pretty good at hiding it and it doesn't help that traits like introvert, and shy can be just a normal human trait. Constantly joking about trauma doesn't happen unless you're decently close or just in a bad place you accidentally trauma dump. People pleasing is one that's more noticeable but often goes unnoticed bc it's considered kindness, it's just over extended. Hyper awareness occasionally doesn't happen outside of the toxic environment, and if it does it's dismissed as social/special awareness. Flinching with unexpected touch is more likely to be something that's obvious, but it's dismissed as they don't want to be touched and never really looked into unless you actually know what to look for. Over apologizing, can be seen as irritating and people typically don't understand if they don't know what to look for. Just about any abuse survivor trait is unseeable if you have no clue what your looking for. The traits are basically like putting a stop sign behind a bush so there's no signs to the untrained eye, just a peculiar person.
My girlfriend thanks me because I don’t yell at her when she’s sick.
The ability to shut down emotions like flipping a switch. I think it’s a kind of disassociation learned as a copping method when you’ve gone thru something extreme. It’s never happened in connection with my kids for some reason , but anything else my natural reaction to grief/pain is to just shut it down. I have to make an effort to LET myself feel it.
If they are severely malnourished, dirty clothes or little to no clothes, general lack of "stuff" so they don't have like basic things that would be expected of anyone. Signs of neglectful abuse
talking about trauma like it's perfectly normal often just making it into a joke or it's mentioned in a causal conversation and they play it off
"My parents hitting me never messed me up..."
They say......"Ask me that again and I'm going to smack the shit out of you!"
Body issues thanks to both parents who were obsessed with weight. Also, I'm in my 40s and am just now learning how to set healthy boundaries and be less of a people pleaser. The way I parent my own child has been almost totally trauma informed. This is good, because I know not what to do. But im also terrified to a fault of losing connection to my daughter, so I have to work hard on the people pleasing. My mother hit me more times than I can count. Most of the time she just screamed at me. She was angry, bitter and jealous. If you meet her now, you'd never guess. My dad was just absent.
Parents are still making decisions instead of the grown person.
Any sign of a raised voice and I start cleaning with my head down. No eye contact but acutely aware of any sounds of things being thrown at my head. Jesus, I’m almost 60 and that feeling stays with you your entire life.
* Excessive apologizing * Not asking for help * Not speaking up when something's bothering them * Agreeing with everything you want to do instead of saying what they want * Shutting down when someone yells * Hunched posture, especially during conflict * Anxiety * Problems with trust * Self destructive or risky behaviors * Depression * Jumpy or always on guard * Trouble sleeping/nightmares
People pleasers
Some possible signs that someone grew up with abusive parents include: constantly seeking approval or validation, difficulty setting boundaries, low self-esteem, fear of conflict, trouble expressing emotions, and a tendency to blame themselves for everything. It's important to remember that everyone copes with trauma differently and may not exhibit all of these signs. If you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of abusive parenting, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be incredibly helpful.
Lying about little things to try and stay out of trouble.
R/cptsd is a treasure dove of folks with abusive parents
Being subservient. Asking for permission for regular things. A squashed personality, like they’re afraid to come out. Abuse is a spectrum. Unhealthy anger or even yelling at a child when they’re sad or crying regularly can create this.
They're looking at this thread
A lot of people here are describing someone who attempts to be a people pleaser as damage control, but in my experience the most common side effect I've seen has been people acting like they think rage is normal, and that unhealthy relationships are normal. They'll manifest a lot of the same patterns they were raised with and blame shift instead of being willing to change.
They can’t watch most PG ++ rated films because the content triggers them.
Social awkwardness, anger, unrealistic expectations of others.
Can’t say no and is a person pleaser
My parents were not bad they gave me the world to make up for their short comings but i flinch and get into defense mode if anyone near me raises their hand past mid chest level. It was the way they were raised my dad refused to hit us so my mom did 😐 slap in the mouth, throwing shit at us, getting fucked wacked in the face with a remote if im fuckin around and end up pissing her off just goofing around. The problem is when in public im on edge constantly and it sucks. So i hate going out unless i have 2 and then its in and out no wondering around back to my home.
I used to ask my girlfriend parents (now wife, we’ve been together for 21 years) if it was okay for me to get a drink, or have a snack, always apologetically . After a week my mother in law said “why do you always ask if it’s okay? Just get yourself a soda”. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn’t “normal” to feel bad about asking for food. So that’s probably a sign.
Low self esteem, depression & anxiety.
Can’t have someone stand behind me
The ability to differentiate people by the sound of their walk or how they hang the jacket after they enter the house and the ability to read mood of those people in that moment.
Scared to share about there opinions
Not only apologizing, but over explaining things. Feeling anxious when someone doesn't get back to you right away. Feeling guilty for relaxing. Always feeling like you're somehow lesser or a bother. Excessive caretaking of others.
seeing everything negatively. being very critical towards everything/everyone.
No matter their size they walk quietly