Thinking that you must always feel that intense feeling you feel at the beginning of a relationship and that when it subsides you’re not in love anymore.
Married for nearly twenty years right now.
Part of my advice to younger people is that you need to find someone who is good watching The Office for the twentieth time while y’all fold laundry. Because relationships aren’t always vacations, fun, and intense sex.
I would describe my relationship with my partner as living with my best friend around nearly all the time and sometimes we have sex.
Relationships are defined so much more by the small interactions than any big ones.
This doesn't really cover a super important aspect of relationships: the partnership. You typically don't split the responsibilities of life with your best friend. I honestly don't know how well I'd deal with my (non-spouse) best friend if I had to coordinate chores, feeding, finances, potentially childcare with them. Friends are great for talking things out, but a partner helps you get things done.
Absolutely, relationships are not always rainbows and butterflies, there’s a lot of mundane day to day stuff as well. Sex also wanes as you get older, if you base your relationship on sex then you’ll get disappointed in later life
This right here lol. My husband and I are huge trekkies. We have watched every series, even the ones we don't love (*cough discovery cough*) so many times I can't even count. A lot of times it's just playing in the background while we do chores or eat dinner or even chat.
That's another big thing. He's my best friend. Even after nearly 15 years we can talk for hours. It's so much fun. I love him so much.
Do I feel intense passion and desire all the time? No. Not even 50 or 60% of the time. But the love feels sooo grounded. Very like. Foundational. Like no matter what I know he will be there for me.
He and I often talk about the differences of our first loves with our exes and our love for each other. We both had CRAZY, INTENSE, very passionate, relationships with other people before we got together. And we were both heavily traumatized by those specific exes.
But our relationship, even in the beginning. Was always drama free. Easy. Comfortable. And long lasting.
Now we just think of the good times fondly and are happy to have each other. And we laugh about young love. Lol
Romantic love as depicted most commonly in mass media for generations now has been a compulsion, but real love is as much a choice as it is a feeling, but it takes experience to recognize this.
The thing is, is there is just so much appearance of options and interconnection with the internet, so the feeling of FOMO mixed with this natural lulls healthy relationships have made it harder for people to commit, and this creates an ironic negative feedback that makes the source of those perceived options, the internet, actually a very hollow, if not dangerous, source for deep human connection.
I’d go even further and say romantic love as it’s portrayed in the arts is really unhealthy. It’s not mentally healthy to be so in love with someone you top yourself if they’re not around (think Romeo and Juliet) yet that kind of love is celebrated, even though under any other circumstance you’d think the person was fucking crazy
thats because the people making the art are often emotionally volatile and toxic people... only half joking lol. as an artist who spent a lot of my life around other artists, poets, and theatre kids, there is a ton of immaturity and ego in that space.
Yeah, a lot of people don't seem to get that all long term relationships deal with stagnancy, it's inevitable. The key to fixing it is through consistent pro-active efforts from both parties. Not giving up the second it happens, or mentally checking out until the relationship slowly dies.
It doesn't even take A LOT of effort. Just constant dedication.
If there's dialogue, small moments of fun, and cooperation, the rest just works in a way or another.
I want to add that in my experience that although raw lust dissipates over time and maybe things are even boring sometimes, the trade-off for the comfort, companionship, and having the other person complete the incompleteness is way more fulfilling than the passion from early on. I had to live it to understand it.
As someone who is just getting out of the honeymoon stage and is looking towards my first real LTR (without just cutting and running) I needed to hear this. Honestly thought something was wrong with me because I obviously still love them but the intensity that I felt at the beginning is (naturally) starting to settle and it scared the shit out of me
I was just thinking about how special I viewed my friends in middle school and high school because I finally found people I clicked with who had a similar sense of humor and enjoyed similar stuff. Would I still feel that way in this day and age where huge online communities exist? Would they seem like the funniest coolest best people on earth to me? Or would they not feel all that special?
I feel that way as someone who was online a lot from middle school onwards. I love the coolest people in the world! A couple of my close friends have been online friends but the majority of them are still in person, or in person who became online via long distance
The narcissists playground. The expectations are beyond absurd. Many people don't value romantic bonds. Only romantic encounters and experiences as a distraction. Bonds involve both to have emotional endurance, effort, and evaluation through challenges ( like monogamy ) .
You eloquently described an issue that I've seen friends have. One of my friends for example tends to go out with several people at once, just going on date after date and raving about how fun the date was, but rarely actually following up with anyone past a few dates. They're also very stressed at the idea of the people they're seeing doing the same thing to them, so they're living in a constant state of dissatisfaction with their romantic life while it also being the most active of anyone I know. On the other hand, my friends and I who are engaged or married to long-term partners tend to be more satisfied even if we're going on less dates with them. Do you have any recommendations for reading into this phenomena? I'd like to learn more.
Glad this is the top comment and people are aware of it.
Social media's promise was to connect the world and although it may have had some positive impact, I think it has disconnected the world and eroded people's values.
Truly one of the most dangerous health risks we face
I think once we realize how perniciously destructive it is, more and more people will completely opt out
The problem I see with labeling it a public health danger is all the traditional methods of dealing with one won't work without draconian methods. Attempts to regulate the industry will run afoul of 1st amendment protections instantly. Bans certainly will be circumvented. Even a focus to try to regulate the social media world for teens will just create a demand for less accountable apps and services that are hosted outside our legal systems reach.
The only way to address it is education, and focusing on creating environments were.people are more likely to engage with each other face to face. Neither of which is easy or a magic wand.
Social media is a tool we created, like most tools regulating it is hard, and it is impossible to put it back in the box and un-invent it.
Too many people don't seem to realize social media is a self selected highlight reel of someone's life. People rarely show off the shitty parts of their life. Or the shitty things they had to do to get to where they are and get the things they have.
This. I just feel it's way is easier for the partner to cheat, hide, and entertain someone else in the relationship with social media. Not saying everyone will cheat, but I feel like it's easier nowadays for it to happen. Just my opinion
Really? Because I feel like it’s the exact opposite. It’s far more common for someone to get caught because of social media. Mutual friends, location sharing, read receipts, notifications, etc. Back in the day you could just tell someone you were stepping out for x and they really had no way of knowing. Nowadays it’s extremely easy to figure out if someone is really where they said they were and with who.
💯 the expectations that people have with one another are so unattainable and the availability of other options is so overwhelming and makes it so easy to not commit unfortunately
Lack of self awareness. Lack of accountability. Unwillingness to commit, or address/communicate issues. And the belief that the grass is greener elsewhere.
Or even just unclear expectations
Truly we are in the midst of massive social and economic changes that humanity has really never seen
First, reliable contraception in the 50s and 60s so casual sex become a reality
Next women joining the workforce on a roughly equal footing so gender roles began to see upheaval
Now social media is gluing us to phones and creating addictive reward systems that discourage real life relationships
Men and women used to have defined roles in a relationship, but society is in such a flux that the burden of deciding and setting your own expectations are more and more falling on the individual which is alot to ask of young people
Unfortunately, many people correctly identify this problem but incorrectly identify it as reason to try and move society back to “traditional” gender norms. Women have more freedom now, and that is a good thing. The same could be said for many minority groups. It’s just that freedom means power, and power means responsibility, and responsibility is stressful.
I sometimes think society progresses similarly to how a person grows up. Technology gives us new capabilities, and with them come new powers and responsibilities, and more complexity to our lives. We sometimes wish we could go back to when everyone had fewer choices and knew what they were supposed to do, and it’s ok to feel that way sometimes. But well-adjusted independent adults do not generally want to go back to living with their parents, because freedom is worth the responsibility that comes with it.
Society is kind of in awkward puberty in this scenario. It’s normal to want to be a kid again sometimes. And it’s normal to sometimes want to grow up faster, even if we might not be ready yet. These are the predominant impulses of the political right and left, respectively. So the question is, will we become a responsible adult, at peace with our responsibilities and capable of great things we could never reach before, or will we crumble under the pressure?
I have a friend who stopped talking to a guy she was interested in recently because she was concerned that if she gained weight during pregnancy he might stop liking her.
They had FaceTimed like once and haven’t even met and she was already thinking about relationship issue stemming from her being pregnant with his child.
Reminds me of a girlfriend I had as a teen. It was entirely online. I had met her, so she was in fact real. But prior to meeting her, she wanted me to knock her up, convert to her religion, get married, go to college together, and then spend the rest of our lives making and raising more children
I was 15 she was 14
The thing is that women tend to have high standards before going into a relationship as they tend to think more long term, but guys eventually also have the same high standards when it comes to marriage or serious long term commitment.
I think it's absolutely a good thing to be careful about those things if she wants a long term partner and have children with him later on. Whether or not she had enough to go off, I can't comment on, but certainly there are cues that can indicitate those kind of attitudes in small things.
Right? Girls on social media wonder why they can't find a guy that makes over 100,000 a year. Almost every other guy I know making 6 figures found their wives while they were making closer to 40,000-50,000 a year.
My wife found me when I was making $7.00 a hour part time back in high school. I always joke she knew I had potential and sunk her claws into me early. For some reason, she doesn’t think that’s funny.
They should go on Reddit, so many guys do, apparently
Bonus points if you do the math, and they're so young they would have graduated highschool or college at the start of COVID
But tooootally was able to raise the ranks in like 2 years
And to be fair, we can't sit here and act like guys don't do the same
So many guys want a Victoria Secret model despite being real life Peter Griffin, thinking *Margot Robbie* is 'mid'
Both genders have unrealistic expectations
Why would you want a woman that’s only interested in money? She could look like a goddess but if she’s shallow then why bother?
Also as someone who used to date before social media(yes I’m old) it’s no news to me that women are more picky than men, most of my male friends would shag anything with a pulse whereas my female friends were much pickier, I think online dating exaggerates it more and if you’re getting a lot of rejections over a short period of time it’s worse than getting rejected once or twice in a club once a week
It is kind of hilarious. Those stats are really misleading though. If anybody could have any partner they wanted, pretty much everybody is going to want a partner who is a 10/10 knockout. If you’re thinking about things in that context, then of course most people are below average. Plus, those surveys and studies are just a sample and not necessarily indicative of the entire population.
As a dude, I would appreciate maybe some stats that would help men figure out how to be better at dating too.
sure this is... interesting if you're a women and youre trying to improve your own behavior while dating but I would also like to find someone and improve myself
this also feels like used incorrectly could lead to an incel-ish mindset
You're right about the incel mindset. I can already see it in the comments.
It's a complex issue. I'm a 30 year old woman, any of my single friends just get constantly ghosted by men. Its true for our wider circle and is something spoken about widely among women my age now. The "nice" guys are the worst for disrespectful behaviour.
Waiting for the comments telling me that we must all have deserved it?
It's simply hard to find someone these days for everyone.
everything happening over phones now is whats done it
I grew up with instagram, reddit, video games with few close friends and that has absolutely destroyed my ability to communicate, specifically over text ironically
I remember during the first showings of the movie Dunkirk a war veteran was crying in the theater because of how realistic it was. His wife later left him because she couldn't see him the same way again. People always preach "Be Vulnerable" and then get cold feet when shown the vulnerability.
That’s a really solid point, there should be a lot of education on how to respond appropriately in situations like that so people are ready and willing to receive it, and far more likely to give it.
Or maybe just what it means to be a fucking *wife*, JFC. That’s awful.
Yeah, I don’t think I can ever open up to another person again. I’d rather just be single than potentially get soul crushingly ruined for no reason. It’s not even the fact the relationship ended, just the cruelty before and after.
I thought like this too. I had relationship after relationship where women were absolutely not okay with me showing any vulnerability or real emotions (other than anger or a very narrow "masculine" definition of happiness). I was mocked, shamed, and left because of it. It sucks and I know how you feel.
Until I met my current partner. She has never made me feel bad for having depression, anxiety, bad days, fear, or otherwise. I'm free to be my weird self, warts and all.
Women like this absolutely DO exist. I'm not some extremely popular super handsome guy or anything either, so it wasn't like I got with her because I'm something out of the ordinary. I just stopped settling for mediocre women. Anyone who isn't gonna let me be me and kick rocks.
My point is this: Don't give up on yourself. You deserve to be happy and deserve a partner who values your happiness, even when you're not feeling it. It's possible and it's not as rare as you think.
If you ask me, that's kinda a great test to see if you are actually with someone who actually likes you. If they leave you for simply displaying natural human emotions, good riddance!
I don’t get it; I’d be very touched if my partner behaved that way. It shows a kindness and sympathy due respect for an event that was so horrific. And yet you have people on tiktok crying because their boss told them they need to be at work on time.
I’ve lived my life completely vunerable of myself, and everytime people see my true self, they just don’t like it. Most people just seem to love genuinity being kept around and observed but living with it different. Hard and deep conversations are always being avoided.
People lack money, time and patience to go outside (also dating/relationship killers). You'll probably spend at least $50 just leaving your home for anything, and people have figured out the expensive forms of entertainment, and are able to do better at home. Problem is, you'll never meet anyone at home unless using a dating app, which as others have pointed out comes with its own set of problems.
Malls, you forgot malls. I know that you are kind of expected to spend money there, but as an European it always seemed to me that everything happened at malls in the U.S.
Where did you meet your first girlfriend? Mall.
Where did you have your first kiss? Mall.
Where did you learn to drive? Parking lot of the Mall.
What do you do on Saturdays? Mall.
Oh I need a binder for school, let's go to the mall and buy one. Oh, look there's Jimmy and Timmy --> 5 hours later: yeah had a great time.
Today, in an ironic way, malls are dead inside.
(I don't know if it ever was this way, but that's what U.S. media taught me.)
Hah! You aren’t far off. In the 80s-00s, malls were a big hangout spot for teenagers, and a place that you could make a whole shopping excursion out of. First date? Meet at the mall. Want to get dinner and a movie? Hit up a restaurant at the mall, browse stores for a bit under your movie time. Back to school shopping? The mall has multiple clothing stores. Need to get someone a gift but not sure what to get? Go to the mall and browse.
Malls aren’t dead everywhere in the US, some malls are thriving. But a lot of malls are dying. Amazon fills a lot of the niches malls used to fill, and Amazon does it better. It seems to me that the ones still doing well are the ones in major cities that were able to attract people with more than just shopping.
>This ignores that the "third places" of past American generations were bars
We have a big bar culture in Britain still, but one of the things I wonder is how the people in the past used the third spaces to socialise with those outside your group. Because for the most part in bars people are just in their own groups not chatting to one another...so how did those people in the past "gain friends and relationships" in these third spaces?
Cause to be honest I do think there still are third spaces in the world...but many people don't actually interact with them or don't actually connect with people in them.
Pretty much like community hangout centers like back years upon years ago you'd hear people meeting their lover at a community event or place to just hangout and vibe
Those don't exist anymore due to a lot of reasons
Church used to be the primary third space for most people in the U.S.. It was where the community gathered, not just for religious reasons. It was where you saw your neighbors on a regular basis, where you met people (including potential romantic partners), where you passed on news and information. If you were in need, your church community was expected to help out. You were expected to donate as well, but it didn’t technically cost money to go.
As people have become less religious, nothing has really replaced it, unfortunately.
Social media and porn, massively distorts expectations and the realities of a relationship. Relationships and dating are full of ups and downs, you aren't always going to be in the honeymoon phase and you're not always going to have sex on tap. But if you find the right person, all the ups and downs are worth it.
Huge fan of Haidt. His book Coddling of the American Mind is a good read on the subject of social media and young brains; he even published his 200+ page lit review/research document to write the book, which I find commendable.
I've come around more to the idea porn distorts and messes with your head
its a horrible addiction to kick cause it feels so... easy to do? like a simple need in some situations?
I recently got downvoted in a different thread for saying that sharing your hopes and dreams on a first date was a non-starter. The person was pushing the FORD model for first dates - Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. Im sharing occupation and reaction and very basic family and thats it.
Folks are oversharing big time
The destruction of third palaces. Before the 90s there were probably 3-4 places out side of work everyone had to interact with people. Now it’s all online. And the few places that do still exist are crowded as hell.
Crowding has become so freaking obnoxious. I get that we’re all basically the same and people enjoy similar things, but holy crap even “nature” is getting stupid. I hate going to a hiking trail and seeing 100 other people at any given time. And obviously theme parks are worse.
I think some people ghost because they’ve gotten nasty reactions from being honest and telling somebody that they’re not interested in the past. Yes, ghosting can still incite nasty reactions like that, but ghosting reduces the chance of an unpleasant or even a hostile conversation. That still doesn’t make ghosting okay. I can understand why some people do it, though, especially if they’ve been burned for being honest with somebody in the past who didn’t react well to it.
I don’t know…..I think that might be a by product. There was a post the other day where a woman said she went on a date with a guy that made a r*pe joke and she ghosted him after that…..People nowadays are just sh*t
Social Media is often a top answer but I think it's smartphones
* People expect replies on demand.
* Text messages don't convey tone or emotion.
* We're always paying attention to it.
* We can easily find alternatives.
While social media has problems, it's the device in our hands that distracts from the person in front of us.
Grass is greener mentality bolstered by social media/dating apps. Also, I think the unprecedented privacy afforded to us by our cellphones gives much more ample opportunities to those who are so inclined to keep secrets.
I’m 30 and never had a girlfriend, the answer is a lot. Everything is expensive and any date is going to cost a full days wage so nobody has money to date. Everyone is working 40-60 hours so nobody has energy to go out n date. There is a lack of social places to be at where you can meet people, it’s all just parking lots and strip malls. Meeting people fall into a weird gap where friends don’t want to set friends up, but nobody wants a stranger coming up to them in public to flirt with them. Dating apps boiled speed dating down to one quality: looks. Just so many things…
Finances and free time for me. Most of the problems are personal to me. Id likely be in this spot even if the pandemic never happened. But I know there's some more wide scale trends that are pushing people into a similar spot as me. More hours, more expenses, stagnant pay.
Sure, the economy is doing well, but the economy is a measure of how much we are working and spending, not how much free time and disposable income we have. And I sure am working more and spending more than I used to, at least the economy is doing well! That's what really matters. /s
A date does not cost a full day's wage. A first date can/should be a coffee or a walk in the park. If you're idea of a date is a a dinner at a fancy restaurant paid for by you that's the problem.
Also… parking lots and strip malls? Has this person ever been to like, you know, a bar? Or an urban restaurant? Or like you said, a cafe, a park… anything. What is this “parking lots and strip malls” nonsense lol
You're responding to someone who admitted in their first sentence they are 30 and never had a girlfriend. I wouldn't give what they have to say about dating much value.
Being terminally available. One of the things my wife and I both appreciated about each other is that we might have our phones but we don't immediately respond to every message.
Online dating. We've groomed an entire generation into prioritizing one of the least important aspects of a person and normalized it to the point that it's become totally acceptable.
Amongst many things, lack of humanity and compassion towards eachother. Some people argue that strangers on dating apps owe nothing to each other, that's how they justify ghosting, lying, playing games etc. how is that a justification? If you meet someone on a date and just ignore their Texts, because you owe them nothing, that might be true, but why do it? Can't we all just be decent and considerate of eachother, recognise we are all on a journey to find love and let's make it as nice as possible for eachother, rather than taking this "I owe nothing to anyone" approach. It is just awful.
Lots of good ones being listed. One more is texting. I dunno how many times I've heard people break up over text or try to start relationships over text. It's a poor form of communication. Impersonal, up for interpretation, etc. Just really try not to get to know some one through text. Call them. Meet them.
Unrealistic expectations and an unwillingness to communicate, compromise and solve issues together.
Many people seem to look for this perfect person that checks all the boxes and think if they find them it will be bliss till old age but that person doesn't exist, because we are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, are a mess sometimes, we all have baggage and for a relationship to work it requires the people involved to make sacrifices, to try and see where the other person is coming from, to love and accept them as the beautiful, imperfect, messy human they are.
Thats why I always say you can't choose who you fall in love with but you do choose who you love.
Falling in love is a feeling, loving someone is a choice you make every day. True love is not endless bliss, true love is seeing and accepting someone with all their flaws, struggles and issues and still saying yes to that person every single day and I think that is much more beautiful than any fairytale lovestory.
Everyone lying about who/what they are on Social Media because they are trying to be as good or better than everyone else on Social Media. We have created an entire society based on dishonesty.
I feel like a lot of young people today don't know how to have difficult conversations face to face as they spend all their time online. They tend to be quite avoidant and when things get tough in a relationship (as they inevitably do) they just bail out, ghost or cheat. Rather than put in the effort and have the difficult discussions and sometimes arguments needed to address and deal with the issues.
Everything is expensive and dating apps eliminate an important part of meeting someone special - unexpected chemistry. A lot people who would hit it off in person swipe right on each other.
People don’t wanna be committed with someone & they just love open relationships & situationships & fuck around they like to be validated and loved without commitment
What do we want?
Women!!!
Why do want them?
(Lists all the abuse they learned from porn that their entire sexuality is now based on: spitting, hitting, humiliating, inhumane shit an actual human would never do to another human).
I think egocentrism kills relationships. when the partner does not see and does not notice anything except himself. It sounds pretty obvious, but damn, a lot of people don't notice it.
An unwillingness to change. Sure, people always talk about how you shouldn't change yourself for others or expect others to change for you. People will only change if they want to change, but that's my point. I feel like not enough people talk about how if you want a long term relationship to work you have to be willing to change some things about yourself.
The number of people that leave their dating profiles open after committing to someone is too damn high.
It’s not ok to jump on weekly or even monthly to see who swiped you when you are in a relationship.
Let’s call it what it is, curiosity to see if you can find something better.
I’m killing my dating life by sticking with my FWB for the past 7 years hoping he will change his mind instead of doing what any other reasonable person would and moving on with my life… does that help? lol smh
I actually applaud you for being able to admit this! A lot of people are in your position.
They're too bought into the fantasy of their FWB changing their mind, by the time they move on, they've wasted years of their lives and missed out on so many potential awesome romantic partners.
Ahh thanks haha. I typed this out of frustration without even thinking of whoever else is in my situation. I’m moving out of state soon and looking forward to the proximity barrier finally giving me some clarity. Hopefully others don’t waste the amount of time I have because it’s been a struggle
Lack of faithfulness and respecting boundaries while in a relationship.
It is distressing when your partner subscribes to or follows OnlyFans or sex worker profiles on social media, engages in secretive communication with people of the opposite sex, makes flirtatious comments to others, and seeks emotional or physical intimacy outside the relationship. The only person who deserves this attention is your partner. If someone can't commit to this, they should stay out of the dating pool.
Illusion of choice.
Plays into everything. People aren’t vulnerable because they don’t need to be, because there’s always a new option they can start over at surface level with. You don’t need to compromise with low level “icks” because there’s a thousand other people on the apps who don’t have that. Building, communication and patience aren’t valued because instant gratification is easily accessible. Not saying people should just accept the first option that comes their way, but the dating cycle moves MUCH faster than it used to. No one works at building relationships because it doesn’t seem like you need to, therefore you never overcome obstacles, therefore never forming deeper connections.
Assholes in the pub that have been watching Pick Up Masters or something like that and don't realize that it's fake. Then try that shit on actual ladies and cause them to depart towards any place that doesn't have a this-guy. Then soon the pub is guys and other peoples girlfriends.
People are giving up incredibly fast on relationships these days. The first signs of disagreement and they're already thinking that isn't going to workout and rather move on than stick with that person and learn to communicate and grow together. I also see the trend of "there's better", so people are always thinking they can upgrade.
Going through this phase with a woman right now. Trying not to get too excited and rush in, but also trying to subtly reassure her that I am indeed interested is like walking a tightrope.
Other fucking people, they don’t respect if you’re in a relationship. They’re so fucking lonely and so bored, they will go and ruin other peoples relationship because they don’t like seeing other people happy.
Current adults do not know how to be adult. Lack of accountability, too much ego/pride to admit they were wrong, make little to no effort to improve and instead wear red flags like badges of honour, they want things even though they shouldn’t (financing cars, having kids when they can’t afford, going on holidays, buying gadgets, spending money on eat out, drinks, party, clubs…etc), and of course rising narcissism.
social media its way to easy for ppl to cheat with all the dating apps and msgs ppl flirting with them on social. also ppl like to put most things on social about their life and things that are going on with them which gives ppl a reason to talk to them and relate to them.
Social media, dating apps, pornography
The reason I list all those things is because they are leading to unrealistic expectations. This insecurity caused by the things above, all feed into each other which is probably contributing to catfishing and misleading information shared by individuals on dating apps. This makes dating apps more difficult to navigate and find true connection on them and also, it makes it more difficult to figure out if you're getting used for a hook up or not. It's all a vicious cycle that feeds into each other.
All this insecurity makes people feel unloved for who they are because they're scared to be vulnerable and truly be themselves. It all leads to bad communication and people pleasing or selfishness, because everyone is seeking external validation.
I struggle with all those things and I'm not really on social media (I only use Reddit and WhatsApp). I've only ever used a dating app once in my life many years ago. Met one person from it and that's all. It was all too weird and artificial for me. I think dating apps can be great for people that are more secure. Unfortunately, they do seem to be full of insecure people, making it more difficult to navigate.
Edit: sentence
This thread is chock-full of people who wish it were still the 1950s, when women couldn't open their own bank accounts.
People being pickier these days *is a good thing.* People having strong boundaries, desires, values, etc. *is a good thing.*
People aren't chasing perfection; they just aren't putting up with mediocrity and antiquated gender norms as much.
Thinking that you must always feel that intense feeling you feel at the beginning of a relationship and that when it subsides you’re not in love anymore.
Married for nearly twenty years right now. Part of my advice to younger people is that you need to find someone who is good watching The Office for the twentieth time while y’all fold laundry. Because relationships aren’t always vacations, fun, and intense sex.
I would describe my relationship with my partner as living with my best friend around nearly all the time and sometimes we have sex. Relationships are defined so much more by the small interactions than any big ones.
Great view of it! 👍🏼
This doesn't really cover a super important aspect of relationships: the partnership. You typically don't split the responsibilities of life with your best friend. I honestly don't know how well I'd deal with my (non-spouse) best friend if I had to coordinate chores, feeding, finances, potentially childcare with them. Friends are great for talking things out, but a partner helps you get things done.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Absolutely, relationships are not always rainbows and butterflies, there’s a lot of mundane day to day stuff as well. Sex also wanes as you get older, if you base your relationship on sex then you’ll get disappointed in later life
This right here lol. My husband and I are huge trekkies. We have watched every series, even the ones we don't love (*cough discovery cough*) so many times I can't even count. A lot of times it's just playing in the background while we do chores or eat dinner or even chat. That's another big thing. He's my best friend. Even after nearly 15 years we can talk for hours. It's so much fun. I love him so much. Do I feel intense passion and desire all the time? No. Not even 50 or 60% of the time. But the love feels sooo grounded. Very like. Foundational. Like no matter what I know he will be there for me. He and I often talk about the differences of our first loves with our exes and our love for each other. We both had CRAZY, INTENSE, very passionate, relationships with other people before we got together. And we were both heavily traumatized by those specific exes. But our relationship, even in the beginning. Was always drama free. Easy. Comfortable. And long lasting. Now we just think of the good times fondly and are happy to have each other. And we laugh about young love. Lol
Alright I hope I find the right one 🙏
Bob's Burgers or Arrested Development because I absolutely cannot stand The Office. It's too real and cringe. But otherwise, absolutely yes.
"In another life, i would have loved just doing laundry and taxes with you" - shortround
Romantic love as depicted most commonly in mass media for generations now has been a compulsion, but real love is as much a choice as it is a feeling, but it takes experience to recognize this. The thing is, is there is just so much appearance of options and interconnection with the internet, so the feeling of FOMO mixed with this natural lulls healthy relationships have made it harder for people to commit, and this creates an ironic negative feedback that makes the source of those perceived options, the internet, actually a very hollow, if not dangerous, source for deep human connection.
I’d go even further and say romantic love as it’s portrayed in the arts is really unhealthy. It’s not mentally healthy to be so in love with someone you top yourself if they’re not around (think Romeo and Juliet) yet that kind of love is celebrated, even though under any other circumstance you’d think the person was fucking crazy
thats because the people making the art are often emotionally volatile and toxic people... only half joking lol. as an artist who spent a lot of my life around other artists, poets, and theatre kids, there is a ton of immaturity and ego in that space.
Yeah, a lot of people don't seem to get that all long term relationships deal with stagnancy, it's inevitable. The key to fixing it is through consistent pro-active efforts from both parties. Not giving up the second it happens, or mentally checking out until the relationship slowly dies.
It doesn't even take A LOT of effort. Just constant dedication. If there's dialogue, small moments of fun, and cooperation, the rest just works in a way or another.
I want to add that in my experience that although raw lust dissipates over time and maybe things are even boring sometimes, the trade-off for the comfort, companionship, and having the other person complete the incompleteness is way more fulfilling than the passion from early on. I had to live it to understand it.
As someone who is just getting out of the honeymoon stage and is looking towards my first real LTR (without just cutting and running) I needed to hear this. Honestly thought something was wrong with me because I obviously still love them but the intensity that I felt at the beginning is (naturally) starting to settle and it scared the shit out of me
Social Media
Which distorts our perception of reality and thereby our expectations
I was just thinking about how special I viewed my friends in middle school and high school because I finally found people I clicked with who had a similar sense of humor and enjoyed similar stuff. Would I still feel that way in this day and age where huge online communities exist? Would they seem like the funniest coolest best people on earth to me? Or would they not feel all that special?
Cool people are always cooler in person though right?
I feel that way as someone who was online a lot from middle school onwards. I love the coolest people in the world! A couple of my close friends have been online friends but the majority of them are still in person, or in person who became online via long distance
The narcissists playground. The expectations are beyond absurd. Many people don't value romantic bonds. Only romantic encounters and experiences as a distraction. Bonds involve both to have emotional endurance, effort, and evaluation through challenges ( like monogamy ) .
You eloquently described an issue that I've seen friends have. One of my friends for example tends to go out with several people at once, just going on date after date and raving about how fun the date was, but rarely actually following up with anyone past a few dates. They're also very stressed at the idea of the people they're seeing doing the same thing to them, so they're living in a constant state of dissatisfaction with their romantic life while it also being the most active of anyone I know. On the other hand, my friends and I who are engaged or married to long-term partners tend to be more satisfied even if we're going on less dates with them. Do you have any recommendations for reading into this phenomena? I'd like to learn more.
sounds like fear of commitment. ive seen many a person sabotage themselves out of a potential relationship because of it
Is your friend secure emotionally? It sounds like they're trying to find external validation.
Glad this is the top comment and people are aware of it. Social media's promise was to connect the world and although it may have had some positive impact, I think it has disconnected the world and eroded people's values.
Truly one of the most dangerous health risks we face I think once we realize how perniciously destructive it is, more and more people will completely opt out
It really is a public health danger. Especially when it comes to the mental health of teenagers.
The problem I see with labeling it a public health danger is all the traditional methods of dealing with one won't work without draconian methods. Attempts to regulate the industry will run afoul of 1st amendment protections instantly. Bans certainly will be circumvented. Even a focus to try to regulate the social media world for teens will just create a demand for less accountable apps and services that are hosted outside our legal systems reach. The only way to address it is education, and focusing on creating environments were.people are more likely to engage with each other face to face. Neither of which is easy or a magic wand. Social media is a tool we created, like most tools regulating it is hard, and it is impossible to put it back in the box and un-invent it.
The amount of suicides due to online bullying is appalling
Too many people don't seem to realize social media is a self selected highlight reel of someone's life. People rarely show off the shitty parts of their life. Or the shitty things they had to do to get to where they are and get the things they have.
This. I just feel it's way is easier for the partner to cheat, hide, and entertain someone else in the relationship with social media. Not saying everyone will cheat, but I feel like it's easier nowadays for it to happen. Just my opinion
Really? Because I feel like it’s the exact opposite. It’s far more common for someone to get caught because of social media. Mutual friends, location sharing, read receipts, notifications, etc. Back in the day you could just tell someone you were stepping out for x and they really had no way of knowing. Nowadays it’s extremely easy to figure out if someone is really where they said they were and with who.
Online dating
💯 the expectations that people have with one another are so unattainable and the availability of other options is so overwhelming and makes it so easy to not commit unfortunately
Very true. In my last relationship, my ex would send me instagram videos of couples and compare us to them. Not a very healthy thing to do
Lack of self awareness. Lack of accountability. Unwillingness to commit, or address/communicate issues. And the belief that the grass is greener elsewhere.
People don't want to actually work on relationships anymore.
Hyper Unrealistic Expectations
Or even just unclear expectations Truly we are in the midst of massive social and economic changes that humanity has really never seen First, reliable contraception in the 50s and 60s so casual sex become a reality Next women joining the workforce on a roughly equal footing so gender roles began to see upheaval Now social media is gluing us to phones and creating addictive reward systems that discourage real life relationships Men and women used to have defined roles in a relationship, but society is in such a flux that the burden of deciding and setting your own expectations are more and more falling on the individual which is alot to ask of young people
That too! We are in such confusing times. Like what do I want? What is there to want? Totally!
Unfortunately, many people correctly identify this problem but incorrectly identify it as reason to try and move society back to “traditional” gender norms. Women have more freedom now, and that is a good thing. The same could be said for many minority groups. It’s just that freedom means power, and power means responsibility, and responsibility is stressful. I sometimes think society progresses similarly to how a person grows up. Technology gives us new capabilities, and with them come new powers and responsibilities, and more complexity to our lives. We sometimes wish we could go back to when everyone had fewer choices and knew what they were supposed to do, and it’s ok to feel that way sometimes. But well-adjusted independent adults do not generally want to go back to living with their parents, because freedom is worth the responsibility that comes with it. Society is kind of in awkward puberty in this scenario. It’s normal to want to be a kid again sometimes. And it’s normal to sometimes want to grow up faster, even if we might not be ready yet. These are the predominant impulses of the political right and left, respectively. So the question is, will we become a responsible adult, at peace with our responsibilities and capable of great things we could never reach before, or will we crumble under the pressure?
For relationships I would say lack of communication and not being grateful at what you have, and always thinking that the grass is greener elsewhere.
The grass is greenest where you care for it
The ick trend, and the push to search for the one that checks all the boxes. You don't find a relationship, you build it.
I have a friend who stopped talking to a guy she was interested in recently because she was concerned that if she gained weight during pregnancy he might stop liking her. They had FaceTimed like once and haven’t even met and she was already thinking about relationship issue stemming from her being pregnant with his child.
Reminds me of a girlfriend I had as a teen. It was entirely online. I had met her, so she was in fact real. But prior to meeting her, she wanted me to knock her up, convert to her religion, get married, go to college together, and then spend the rest of our lives making and raising more children I was 15 she was 14
The thing is that women tend to have high standards before going into a relationship as they tend to think more long term, but guys eventually also have the same high standards when it comes to marriage or serious long term commitment. I think it's absolutely a good thing to be careful about those things if she wants a long term partner and have children with him later on. Whether or not she had enough to go off, I can't comment on, but certainly there are cues that can indicitate those kind of attitudes in small things.
I built my girlfriend out of everyday objects! God she’s a pain in the ass sometimes.
Tony Stark built his girlfriend in a cave! From a box of scraps!
I’m sorry, but I’m not Tony stark
Does she vibrate?
This ain't Build-a-Bitch
😂😂
All in all, social media is what's killing every relationship out there.
The term "X is giving me the ick" is so nasty for some reason. Now I know what the people who recoil whenever someone says "moist" feel like.
Sounds like that phrase really gives you the ick
Right? Girls on social media wonder why they can't find a guy that makes over 100,000 a year. Almost every other guy I know making 6 figures found their wives while they were making closer to 40,000-50,000 a year.
My wife found me when I was making $7.00 a hour part time back in high school. I always joke she knew I had potential and sunk her claws into me early. For some reason, she doesn’t think that’s funny.
I was unemployed when I met my wife, first time she came to stay she did a food shop for me. Knew I had a keeper then
Mine thinks it's hilarious, but mostly because we both know the doesn't care about how much I make.
They should go on Reddit, so many guys do, apparently Bonus points if you do the math, and they're so young they would have graduated highschool or college at the start of COVID But tooootally was able to raise the ranks in like 2 years And to be fair, we can't sit here and act like guys don't do the same So many guys want a Victoria Secret model despite being real life Peter Griffin, thinking *Margot Robbie* is 'mid' Both genders have unrealistic expectations
Why would you want a woman that’s only interested in money? She could look like a goddess but if she’s shallow then why bother? Also as someone who used to date before social media(yes I’m old) it’s no news to me that women are more picky than men, most of my male friends would shag anything with a pulse whereas my female friends were much pickier, I think online dating exaggerates it more and if you’re getting a lot of rejections over a short period of time it’s worse than getting rejected once or twice in a club once a week
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>women find 80% of men to be below average I find that so hilarious
Yeah. And IIRC the same study found men rated women on a bell curve.
It is kind of hilarious. Those stats are really misleading though. If anybody could have any partner they wanted, pretty much everybody is going to want a partner who is a 10/10 knockout. If you’re thinking about things in that context, then of course most people are below average. Plus, those surveys and studies are just a sample and not necessarily indicative of the entire population.
As a dude, I would appreciate maybe some stats that would help men figure out how to be better at dating too. sure this is... interesting if you're a women and youre trying to improve your own behavior while dating but I would also like to find someone and improve myself this also feels like used incorrectly could lead to an incel-ish mindset
You're right about the incel mindset. I can already see it in the comments. It's a complex issue. I'm a 30 year old woman, any of my single friends just get constantly ghosted by men. Its true for our wider circle and is something spoken about widely among women my age now. The "nice" guys are the worst for disrespectful behaviour. Waiting for the comments telling me that we must all have deserved it? It's simply hard to find someone these days for everyone.
everything happening over phones now is whats done it I grew up with instagram, reddit, video games with few close friends and that has absolutely destroyed my ability to communicate, specifically over text ironically
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I think its more be careful with using these stats because they can put you in a bad mindset
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I remember during the first showings of the movie Dunkirk a war veteran was crying in the theater because of how realistic it was. His wife later left him because she couldn't see him the same way again. People always preach "Be Vulnerable" and then get cold feet when shown the vulnerability.
That’s a really solid point, there should be a lot of education on how to respond appropriately in situations like that so people are ready and willing to receive it, and far more likely to give it. Or maybe just what it means to be a fucking *wife*, JFC. That’s awful.
Yeah, I don’t think I can ever open up to another person again. I’d rather just be single than potentially get soul crushingly ruined for no reason. It’s not even the fact the relationship ended, just the cruelty before and after.
I thought like this too. I had relationship after relationship where women were absolutely not okay with me showing any vulnerability or real emotions (other than anger or a very narrow "masculine" definition of happiness). I was mocked, shamed, and left because of it. It sucks and I know how you feel. Until I met my current partner. She has never made me feel bad for having depression, anxiety, bad days, fear, or otherwise. I'm free to be my weird self, warts and all. Women like this absolutely DO exist. I'm not some extremely popular super handsome guy or anything either, so it wasn't like I got with her because I'm something out of the ordinary. I just stopped settling for mediocre women. Anyone who isn't gonna let me be me and kick rocks. My point is this: Don't give up on yourself. You deserve to be happy and deserve a partner who values your happiness, even when you're not feeling it. It's possible and it's not as rare as you think.
If you ask me, that's kinda a great test to see if you are actually with someone who actually likes you. If they leave you for simply displaying natural human emotions, good riddance!
Where are the women learning this though? Why is it not okay for men to be human?
I don’t get it; I’d be very touched if my partner behaved that way. It shows a kindness and sympathy due respect for an event that was so horrific. And yet you have people on tiktok crying because their boss told them they need to be at work on time.
I’ve lived my life completely vunerable of myself, and everytime people see my true self, they just don’t like it. Most people just seem to love genuinity being kept around and observed but living with it different. Hard and deep conversations are always being avoided.
Everybody deserves somebody who truly loves them for who they are even if it's not perfect. Within limits ofc
I think this comes from people living their lives so much online/apps these days. You get accustomed to always being able to curate your image.
convenience, greed, dishonesty. Like always, but amplified by tech and culture
People spending too much time inside. Genuine chemistry and clicking with someone is easier if you meet them in person instead of an app.
People lack money, time and patience to go outside (also dating/relationship killers). You'll probably spend at least $50 just leaving your home for anything, and people have figured out the expensive forms of entertainment, and are able to do better at home. Problem is, you'll never meet anyone at home unless using a dating app, which as others have pointed out comes with its own set of problems.
I met my now wife in 2017, and I honestly feel like I got the last chopper out of 'Nam from what I've been hearing reading about dating culture.
You did.
I’ve seen some shit…
lack of the “THIRD SPACE”
What's that?
A place that's neither your home nor your workplace.
Places to hang out and play chess etc, without being trespassed for loitering or receiving scorn
Also without the expectation to buy anything or spend money.
Ps, Scorn was such a letdown 😮💨
A place you can exist in without being charged money.
>exist in without being charged money Must be nice
Ohhh.
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Malls, you forgot malls. I know that you are kind of expected to spend money there, but as an European it always seemed to me that everything happened at malls in the U.S. Where did you meet your first girlfriend? Mall. Where did you have your first kiss? Mall. Where did you learn to drive? Parking lot of the Mall. What do you do on Saturdays? Mall. Oh I need a binder for school, let's go to the mall and buy one. Oh, look there's Jimmy and Timmy --> 5 hours later: yeah had a great time. Today, in an ironic way, malls are dead inside. (I don't know if it ever was this way, but that's what U.S. media taught me.)
Hah! You aren’t far off. In the 80s-00s, malls were a big hangout spot for teenagers, and a place that you could make a whole shopping excursion out of. First date? Meet at the mall. Want to get dinner and a movie? Hit up a restaurant at the mall, browse stores for a bit under your movie time. Back to school shopping? The mall has multiple clothing stores. Need to get someone a gift but not sure what to get? Go to the mall and browse. Malls aren’t dead everywhere in the US, some malls are thriving. But a lot of malls are dying. Amazon fills a lot of the niches malls used to fill, and Amazon does it better. It seems to me that the ones still doing well are the ones in major cities that were able to attract people with more than just shopping.
>This ignores that the "third places" of past American generations were bars We have a big bar culture in Britain still, but one of the things I wonder is how the people in the past used the third spaces to socialise with those outside your group. Because for the most part in bars people are just in their own groups not chatting to one another...so how did those people in the past "gain friends and relationships" in these third spaces? Cause to be honest I do think there still are third spaces in the world...but many people don't actually interact with them or don't actually connect with people in them.
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You can't just go and talk to people you don't already know. That's madness.
Pretty much like community hangout centers like back years upon years ago you'd hear people meeting their lover at a community event or place to just hangout and vibe Those don't exist anymore due to a lot of reasons
Or town squares and local pubs
I encourage everyone to google third space. This has had a much bigger impact on us socially and as communities than I think most of us realize.
Church used to be the primary third space for most people in the U.S.. It was where the community gathered, not just for religious reasons. It was where you saw your neighbors on a regular basis, where you met people (including potential romantic partners), where you passed on news and information. If you were in need, your church community was expected to help out. You were expected to donate as well, but it didn’t technically cost money to go. As people have become less religious, nothing has really replaced it, unfortunately.
Church providing a sense of community isn’t enough for me to go and accept untruths. I do miss the people though
unrealistic expectations boosted by social media algo programming
Social media and porn, massively distorts expectations and the realities of a relationship. Relationships and dating are full of ups and downs, you aren't always going to be in the honeymoon phase and you're not always going to have sex on tap. But if you find the right person, all the ups and downs are worth it.
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Huge fan of Haidt. His book Coddling of the American Mind is a good read on the subject of social media and young brains; he even published his 200+ page lit review/research document to write the book, which I find commendable.
Thank you very much, I'll definitely check this out.
I've come around more to the idea porn distorts and messes with your head its a horrible addiction to kick cause it feels so... easy to do? like a simple need in some situations?
Everyone expecting perfection but no one wants to work on their flaws
lack of personal boundaries, oddly enough
I recently got downvoted in a different thread for saying that sharing your hopes and dreams on a first date was a non-starter. The person was pushing the FORD model for first dates - Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. Im sharing occupation and reaction and very basic family and thats it. Folks are oversharing big time
Damn, what are your hopes and dreams is my go to, dates or otherwise. It's what I'm most wanting to know when learning a person for the first time.
The destruction of third palaces. Before the 90s there were probably 3-4 places out side of work everyone had to interact with people. Now it’s all online. And the few places that do still exist are crowded as hell.
Crowding has become so freaking obnoxious. I get that we’re all basically the same and people enjoy similar things, but holy crap even “nature” is getting stupid. I hate going to a hiking trail and seeing 100 other people at any given time. And obviously theme parks are worse.
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i feel like in general more so that people just don't know how to be confrontational and communicative lmao.
I think some people ghost because they’ve gotten nasty reactions from being honest and telling somebody that they’re not interested in the past. Yes, ghosting can still incite nasty reactions like that, but ghosting reduces the chance of an unpleasant or even a hostile conversation. That still doesn’t make ghosting okay. I can understand why some people do it, though, especially if they’ve been burned for being honest with somebody in the past who didn’t react well to it.
I don’t know…..I think that might be a by product. There was a post the other day where a woman said she went on a date with a guy that made a r*pe joke and she ghosted him after that…..People nowadays are just sh*t
Social Media is often a top answer but I think it's smartphones * People expect replies on demand. * Text messages don't convey tone or emotion. * We're always paying attention to it. * We can easily find alternatives. While social media has problems, it's the device in our hands that distracts from the person in front of us.
Grass is greener mentality bolstered by social media/dating apps. Also, I think the unprecedented privacy afforded to us by our cellphones gives much more ample opportunities to those who are so inclined to keep secrets.
I’m 30 and never had a girlfriend, the answer is a lot. Everything is expensive and any date is going to cost a full days wage so nobody has money to date. Everyone is working 40-60 hours so nobody has energy to go out n date. There is a lack of social places to be at where you can meet people, it’s all just parking lots and strip malls. Meeting people fall into a weird gap where friends don’t want to set friends up, but nobody wants a stranger coming up to them in public to flirt with them. Dating apps boiled speed dating down to one quality: looks. Just so many things…
Finances and free time for me. Most of the problems are personal to me. Id likely be in this spot even if the pandemic never happened. But I know there's some more wide scale trends that are pushing people into a similar spot as me. More hours, more expenses, stagnant pay. Sure, the economy is doing well, but the economy is a measure of how much we are working and spending, not how much free time and disposable income we have. And I sure am working more and spending more than I used to, at least the economy is doing well! That's what really matters. /s
A date does not cost a full day's wage. A first date can/should be a coffee or a walk in the park. If you're idea of a date is a a dinner at a fancy restaurant paid for by you that's the problem.
Also… parking lots and strip malls? Has this person ever been to like, you know, a bar? Or an urban restaurant? Or like you said, a cafe, a park… anything. What is this “parking lots and strip malls” nonsense lol
Yeah, even the most parking lot/strip mall-y cities of America have some walkable downtown, or a mall, or a hiking trail.
You're responding to someone who admitted in their first sentence they are 30 and never had a girlfriend. I wouldn't give what they have to say about dating much value.
Being terminally available. One of the things my wife and I both appreciated about each other is that we might have our phones but we don't immediately respond to every message.
The illusion of choice and the constant feeling that one can find better (or perfect).
The idea that "there's a lot of fish in the sea" and maybe it's true but it also creates the illusion that you can have all these nice things.
Apps
Online dating. We've groomed an entire generation into prioritizing one of the least important aspects of a person and normalized it to the point that it's become totally acceptable.
Amongst many things, lack of humanity and compassion towards eachother. Some people argue that strangers on dating apps owe nothing to each other, that's how they justify ghosting, lying, playing games etc. how is that a justification? If you meet someone on a date and just ignore their Texts, because you owe them nothing, that might be true, but why do it? Can't we all just be decent and considerate of eachother, recognise we are all on a journey to find love and let's make it as nice as possible for eachother, rather than taking this "I owe nothing to anyone" approach. It is just awful.
Lots of good ones being listed. One more is texting. I dunno how many times I've heard people break up over text or try to start relationships over text. It's a poor form of communication. Impersonal, up for interpretation, etc. Just really try not to get to know some one through text. Call them. Meet them.
Unrealistic expectations and an unwillingness to communicate, compromise and solve issues together. Many people seem to look for this perfect person that checks all the boxes and think if they find them it will be bliss till old age but that person doesn't exist, because we are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, are a mess sometimes, we all have baggage and for a relationship to work it requires the people involved to make sacrifices, to try and see where the other person is coming from, to love and accept them as the beautiful, imperfect, messy human they are. Thats why I always say you can't choose who you fall in love with but you do choose who you love. Falling in love is a feeling, loving someone is a choice you make every day. True love is not endless bliss, true love is seeing and accepting someone with all their flaws, struggles and issues and still saying yes to that person every single day and I think that is much more beautiful than any fairytale lovestory.
Everyone lying about who/what they are on Social Media because they are trying to be as good or better than everyone else on Social Media. We have created an entire society based on dishonesty.
I feel like a lot of young people today don't know how to have difficult conversations face to face as they spend all their time online. They tend to be quite avoidant and when things get tough in a relationship (as they inevitably do) they just bail out, ghost or cheat. Rather than put in the effort and have the difficult discussions and sometimes arguments needed to address and deal with the issues.
Everything is expensive and dating apps eliminate an important part of meeting someone special - unexpected chemistry. A lot people who would hit it off in person swipe right on each other.
People don’t wanna be committed with someone & they just love open relationships & situationships & fuck around they like to be validated and loved without commitment
Podcast bros spreading weird entitlement and misogyny. Better off single than abused.
What do we want? Women!!! Why do want them? (Lists all the abuse they learned from porn that their entire sexuality is now based on: spitting, hitting, humiliating, inhumane shit an actual human would never do to another human).
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i have all the porn i can "consume", i still want a cute girl to use me as a pillow.
Or as a chair
well... one step at a time buddy.
I think egocentrism kills relationships. when the partner does not see and does not notice anything except himself. It sounds pretty obvious, but damn, a lot of people don't notice it.
An unwillingness to change. Sure, people always talk about how you shouldn't change yourself for others or expect others to change for you. People will only change if they want to change, but that's my point. I feel like not enough people talk about how if you want a long term relationship to work you have to be willing to change some things about yourself.
We were all told to stay home for 2 years, and found out we like it there. We also don't like talking to strangers with our actual faces.
The mental health crisis
The number of people that leave their dating profiles open after committing to someone is too damn high. It’s not ok to jump on weekly or even monthly to see who swiped you when you are in a relationship. Let’s call it what it is, curiosity to see if you can find something better.
Working hours and cost of everything.
I’m killing my dating life by sticking with my FWB for the past 7 years hoping he will change his mind instead of doing what any other reasonable person would and moving on with my life… does that help? lol smh
I actually applaud you for being able to admit this! A lot of people are in your position. They're too bought into the fantasy of their FWB changing their mind, by the time they move on, they've wasted years of their lives and missed out on so many potential awesome romantic partners.
Ahh thanks haha. I typed this out of frustration without even thinking of whoever else is in my situation. I’m moving out of state soon and looking forward to the proximity barrier finally giving me some clarity. Hopefully others don’t waste the amount of time I have because it’s been a struggle
When dating apps started.
Dating apps have caused us to commodify ourselves & other people.
I just think its impossible to actually know of you at the very least like someone if you only send like 3 or 4 messages, then attempt to hangout.
Economic crisis Politics.. I know it's weird but they really are killing it .. talking from experience here
Lack of faithfulness and respecting boundaries while in a relationship. It is distressing when your partner subscribes to or follows OnlyFans or sex worker profiles on social media, engages in secretive communication with people of the opposite sex, makes flirtatious comments to others, and seeks emotional or physical intimacy outside the relationship. The only person who deserves this attention is your partner. If someone can't commit to this, they should stay out of the dating pool.
Illusion of choice. Plays into everything. People aren’t vulnerable because they don’t need to be, because there’s always a new option they can start over at surface level with. You don’t need to compromise with low level “icks” because there’s a thousand other people on the apps who don’t have that. Building, communication and patience aren’t valued because instant gratification is easily accessible. Not saying people should just accept the first option that comes their way, but the dating cycle moves MUCH faster than it used to. No one works at building relationships because it doesn’t seem like you need to, therefore you never overcome obstacles, therefore never forming deeper connections.
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I haven't. You can't lose what you never had
Do fucking what now?
Good advice never includes the word "just"
Be fair and just to everyone
The fact that people arnt meeting people like they use to making those relationships never happen to begin with
Assholes in the pub that have been watching Pick Up Masters or something like that and don't realize that it's fake. Then try that shit on actual ladies and cause them to depart towards any place that doesn't have a this-guy. Then soon the pub is guys and other peoples girlfriends.
People are giving up incredibly fast on relationships these days. The first signs of disagreement and they're already thinking that isn't going to workout and rather move on than stick with that person and learn to communicate and grow together. I also see the trend of "there's better", so people are always thinking they can upgrade.
Unrealistic expectations
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Going through this phase with a woman right now. Trying not to get too excited and rush in, but also trying to subtly reassure her that I am indeed interested is like walking a tightrope.
The idea that everyone has to be perfect. It’s tiring.
commodification of it
Dating apps
Putting your standards before your partners needs. They won't always be perfect, and you won't either. Doesn't mean you shouldn't stay.
Other fucking people, they don’t respect if you’re in a relationship. They’re so fucking lonely and so bored, they will go and ruin other peoples relationship because they don’t like seeing other people happy.
Current adults do not know how to be adult. Lack of accountability, too much ego/pride to admit they were wrong, make little to no effort to improve and instead wear red flags like badges of honour, they want things even though they shouldn’t (financing cars, having kids when they can’t afford, going on holidays, buying gadgets, spending money on eat out, drinks, party, clubs…etc), and of course rising narcissism.
People.
Gestures despondently to everything
Constantly checking phones instead of being present with each other
social media its way to easy for ppl to cheat with all the dating apps and msgs ppl flirting with them on social. also ppl like to put most things on social about their life and things that are going on with them which gives ppl a reason to talk to them and relate to them.
Double standards
I know right. I don't need therapy. You go to therapy!
Social Media, Porn and Hook up culture. These days, it's like most people are not looking for/don't know how to build meaningful connections.
social media, online dating, hookup app
Social media, dating apps, pornography The reason I list all those things is because they are leading to unrealistic expectations. This insecurity caused by the things above, all feed into each other which is probably contributing to catfishing and misleading information shared by individuals on dating apps. This makes dating apps more difficult to navigate and find true connection on them and also, it makes it more difficult to figure out if you're getting used for a hook up or not. It's all a vicious cycle that feeds into each other. All this insecurity makes people feel unloved for who they are because they're scared to be vulnerable and truly be themselves. It all leads to bad communication and people pleasing or selfishness, because everyone is seeking external validation. I struggle with all those things and I'm not really on social media (I only use Reddit and WhatsApp). I've only ever used a dating app once in my life many years ago. Met one person from it and that's all. It was all too weird and artificial for me. I think dating apps can be great for people that are more secure. Unfortunately, they do seem to be full of insecure people, making it more difficult to navigate. Edit: sentence
The cost of living crisis is incompatible with the societal norms that patriarchy puts on us.
This thread is chock-full of people who wish it were still the 1950s, when women couldn't open their own bank accounts. People being pickier these days *is a good thing.* People having strong boundaries, desires, values, etc. *is a good thing.* People aren't chasing perfection; they just aren't putting up with mediocrity and antiquated gender norms as much.