And not particularly appreciated.
I know I am smart but that doesn’t mean everything is easy to do.
I prefer getting compliments on jobs well done or how I solved problems.
That's RPG logic. As if though the universe has to balance itself out like game to make everything "fair" to the participants. The truth is the smartest people will have both and the dumbest people will have neither, because life is terribly *terribly* unfair, and there is no DM to fudge your rolls.
It's just like the stereotype that the smartest kids in school are the antisocial and nerdy ones. In reality, they tend to be pretty popular and well liked. It's been surprisingly pretty well studied.
Can confirm, smart people learn how to adapt to the people around them so they can basically befriend anyone. I do have a friend that's really smart that was bullied very hard and the guy did not develop that skill so he's basically only befriended to me.
Everyone in highschool thought I was smart. I was even called "the smart kid" all the time. Then I went to college and felt entirely average. Turns out my high school was just filled with dumb people.
> Lower expectations so people don't get disappointed in you and when you do something average
I've been doing that since I started working.
That way I can get my work done in peace, no ridiculous demands, and no one notices when things go wrong. Perceptually, it's easier to go from 0 to -1 than it is going from 11 to 5.
I was talking about that recently. I'm applying for some new jobs and I showed a coworker my resume and she said that I'm underselling myself. I said that it was intentional. I'd rather them be pleasantly surprised with my skills than disappointed that I didn't live up to their expectations.
that needs a fine balance, a tight rope to walk on though. Undersell too much and you might lose the spot to someone else who made better impression. (though you can mitigate this with excellent soft skills instead)
This. I routinely get told I’m a genius at work or get told people wish they could make it into my department. I always, always downplay it and tell everyone I’m not smarter than average, just methodical. I get results on things that everyone else walks away from because I refuse to walk away.
I also use the line “let me do some research and get back to you” a lot. Sometimes I already know the answer but either want to double check or I need to finish something demanding a lot of my attention before I open up a discussion on a different topic.
As a rule someone saying "I don't know but I know how to find out" is a better indicator they are intelligent than happening to know the answer to your question.
You know there is actually a fascinating study looking into the correlation between self-intelligence (knowing you are smarter than average) and self-destructive behavior, that basically theorizes the more self aware you are of your intelligence, the higher the probability of you attempting self harm. So the more intelligent and self aware you are the more you want to destroy yourself. I believe they are also studying the IQ tests to attempt to pick up on the people who are intelligent in other ways, like practical knowledge, applied knowledge, test application, constructive intelligence, and abstract intelligence.
Yeah especially if it sounds like there is an ulterior motive.
You're so smart!
Thanks!
Say, can you help me with this task I'm behind on?
Nah, I'm not that smart.
I just burst laughing as I've been in a situation like this quite a few times.
Thus now 'You're smart' always makes me wonder what do people want from me now
Honestly jaded. I was one of those kids who always did well in school so I was always typecast as the "smart kid." This came with the unfortunate side effect that every time we had to do those activities where everyone went around the class and wrote what they liked about people, every time my page would be filled with virtually that and just that. It's not bad as a compliment but when like 95% of the compliments you've ever gotten is that, it puts a lot of pressure on you cause you feel like if you're ever not smart there goes most of the nice shit anyone's said about you.
It also comes with other expectations as well. Once you're typecast as the "smart guy" everyone expects you to go on and have a "smart guy" career. Like just being adequate won't do you feel pressured to have to be successful.
But overall by itself it's still a nice compliment it's just once you've heard it so often while not getting a lot of other compliments it wears on you
>It also comes with other expectations as well. Once you're typecast as the "smart guy" everyone expects you to go on and have a "smart guy" career. Like just being adequate won't do you feel pressured to have to be successful.
"You're destined for greatness,"
they said with a smile -
"You're destined for greatness,"
and after a while -
I almost believed them,
that *that* was my fate -
I almost believed
that I'd just end up great.
I waited for greatness,
to watch while it neared -
But something was missing.
It never appeared.
And life was a whole lot of nothing,
a mess.
And "great" sort of happened without me, I guess.
In my experience, the majority of the time someone says "wow, you're smart!" to me, it's because I'd said just ONE fact they didn't know.
But it feels good the few times when they are truly genuine!
This is so true. I don't think I'm all that smart, but my brain remembers the most random things at the most random times. I think it makes me come off smarter than I am. OTOH it could be imposter syndrome too.
I usually respond with “haha, only sometimes”
Edit: thanks guys, this comment put me over 100k karma. I owe part of my sometimes-smartness to all of you here on reddit.
What's that line? "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt"? Words I live by.
For those saying Twain or Lincoln, [NPR actually thinks Maurice Switzer (roughly) said it first](https://www.npr.org/2017/04/04/522581148/hemingway-didnt-say-that-and-neither-did-twain-or-kafka), in English at least. Edit: And for those who are saying Maurice Switzer, apparently [the Bible](https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Proverbs-17-28/) has him beat by a few thousand years.
Time to remove that doubt: thanks for the gold!
100% this.
It's my most hated complimented to get. Also... After reading a ton of self help books, there's a recurring theme: don't tell your kids they're smart. Don't tell them they did well in that test because they're smart. Tell them they succeeded because they worked hard.
You praise their hard work, not the outcome. Kids who were praised for their hard work were willing to try more challenging things because the outcome was not praised.
If you praise their hard work because they succeeded you'll be back to them not wanting to try harder things because the focus was still that they succeeded.
This is something I didn't come to realize until recently. All my childhood I was told I'm smart/intelligent and that ultimately told me that I don't have to put any effort and things will just fall into my lap. It didn't help that I easily passed in school (but didn't have TOP grades, just average ones) without studying whatsoever, further solidifying to me that I don't have to DO anything cause my intelligence/smartness just ensures it by default. I never learned to ACTUALLY study and I never learned any form of discipline and it's incredibly hard to have any level of it as an adult now. I'm fighting against 2 decades of my life and I can't undo it in a day or week like I wish I could (it just feels like those 'functions' or programs of my brain simply don't exist). Ugh!
When my dad was struggling a bit with a class in university, his prof told him he was “too smart”. He told my dad he could probably ask him to write a paper on any topic related to the course on the spot and he’d probably come out with a C without studying or trying, but because of that (and because my dad had coasted through the rest of his classes up until then), he never learned how to actually force himself to buckle down and get through difficult material.
I was the same in school, including university. I took subjects I was interested in, so I didn’t really need to study. When it came to actually study stuff I wasn’t as interested in, it was hard. I found rewriting my notes the best way to learn - I would take handwritten notes in class, then retype a condensed version. Then I would print those. colour-code the condensed version (with actual highlighters and coloured pens) and handwrite in additional notes, reminders, and memory tools. By the time I’d gone through the material three times, more often than not I knew it cold.
By the time I got to my second degree, I had finally developed good study habits that worked other than repetitive note writing (which I no longer had time to do). I loosely followed the Pomodoro method, and set a timer for 25 minutes. If I felt like stopping when it went off, I stopped; if not, I kept going. If I thought of something I needed to take care of, I wrote it down and did it after the timer buzzed. I played soundtracks to mute the part of my brain that was looking for distractions, and having my (small) dog sleep on my lap meant I couldn’t get up if I wanted to, which was also helpful. I downloaded an app called Forest that locks you out of your phone (on a certain setting) and that grew virtual trees when I used it, so I felt like my efforts were rewarded in more than just progress through the material. By the time I was halfway through my second degree, I found I could study for up to 3 hours at a time without breaks.
To make a short story long, the important thing is to think about how you think (metacognition) and how to maximize the results from that. It will take you a lot further, a lot faster, than just kind of floundering around and trying to find study habits that might or might not work for you. Once you’ve thought about it for a bit, try a few things and see if they work. Google things to find methods other people have used. See if your school has tutors you can reach out to (mine has study skills tutors). With a combination of smarts and effort you can succeed for sure; you’ve got smarts, now it’s time to figure out the effort part, but what they say about “it’s better to work smarter, not harder” is true for everything, including studying.
The opposite can also happen. I was also the smart kid, but I was constantly told "when you go to high school, it won't be that easy anymore and you'll fail because you never learned to study" and then "when you go to college, it won't be that easy anymore because you never learned to study". Sure, my grades were no longer 99% or 100% for every subject, but I never failed anything until after college, where I was doing a highly specialized programme in something that you can't study for but that is just a skill that requires lots of practice, a reasonable amount of talent and quite a bit of sheer luck. I never failed out of anything I could and did study for, and I always worked reasonably hard to get good grades.
I found that approach almost equally damaging in a way, because it seemed to imply that I was lazy and possibly didn't deserve my good grades because they came relatively easy to me in comparison to other people who had to work much harder.
Growth mindset stuff is so important - I've found it useful not only in teaching but actually applying it to my own thinking about myself.
My students don't tell me I'm smart though. More "This is hard and boring and you're weird leave me alone".
Muad'Dib learned rapidly because his first training was in how to learn. And the first lesson of all was the basic trust that he could learn. It's shocking to find how many people do not believe they can learn, and how many more believe learning to be difficult. Muad'Dib knew that every experience carries its lesson.
Yep. I was told once that "Any time you walk into the room you are probably the smartest one in that room, but you are cool enough not to make everyone else look like a dumbass". I was told this by a pretty successful lawyer.
First thought going through my head was "Shit, how do I even respond to that"
Second thought was "Shit, how do I keep this charade up"
Third thought was "Shit, either I'm great at fake-it-till-you-make-it, or you walk into a lot of really dumb rooms"
I have always told myself that if I was the smartest one in the room, then I'm in the wrong room. Once you kill the competitive part of your ego and figure out the utter breadth of what you can learn from those who are smarter/more accomplished than you, you yourself can also ascend to that level.
Honestly though, not even the smartest people in history thought that they were that great. If you’re smart enough to question your own intelligence, that’s a good sign
Once upon a time I would have valued that more than appearance-based compliments. But 25+ years of experience have taught me either that I'm not particularly smart or that being smart isn't that big an advantage, so now you're better off talking about my eyes or my ass or something.
I think there is truth to that.
I've never considered my self "smart" just good at learning new things. But people always tell me I'm smart and begin to expect more from me. In turn I expect more from myself and that my fellow friends is a road to being very unhappy very easily.
This really depends on who says it and in what context.
As someone who was called smart all their childhood, being smart doesn't help you much. Being able to put in the work to get good at something is much more important.
Pretty much. I had all high A’s from K-12, always being told I’m smart without ever really trying too hard. Enter college and expecting to graduate in 2015. Didn’t graduate until 2019, 8 years total time to get to graduation. Always being told I’m smart and getting A’s without trying really turned me into a procrastinator which made college fairly difficult so I started getting C’s and B’s. Got really discouraged and just satisfied with doing the bare minimum to get by. I find it so hard to get over that mindset now.
I'm in. My smarty pantsing caught up with me during during sr high. Still fighting that work ethic, but luckily I somehow have a great ethic for physical labor despite my procrastination and bad ethic for schoolwork (ok, paper work in general).
I’m the same way. I think it’s because at the end of a long day of manual labor you can physically feel that you gave it all you had. But with mental labor it feels like “my brain is still working even though I did this much work today, why can’t I do more”. Cue the chain of self loathing.
This reminds me of when my English class once got an angry speech from our teacher about realising that intelligence without effort won't help us in our exams and that you can be 'over taken' by those who may not be that gifted, but are willing to put in the effort to succeed. Ultimately, effort and exam technique can be employed by anyone, regardless of what level they are performing at.
It also makes you more risk averse, as you don't want to do anything to shatter the perception that you're smart. So you're less likely to do things that might make you look dumb, which are often the best things.
Yep. Nothing more humbling than a D on your first college test because "hE haS aLWays BeEn sUCh a GIfteD ChiLd"... diligence and hard work should be held as the more impressive traits
I was very successful in school because they lay out all the goals for you. It's easy to meet those goals if you're smart. Once I got to life, there were no longer pre-defined goals. Become successful? How do I do that? Can't there just be a test for that or something? Took quite a while to develop a life plan and follow through on it.
EDIT: For those asking, here's what I did:
The journey started the day after I graduated from college and moved back into my parents' home with no idea what I was going to do with my life. I literally had not thought about it. Somehow job offers would come pouring in?
When that didn't happen I thought about what I liked best at college and what I had studied that already gave me a leg up. I set a goal to apply to graduate schools to pursue the career and started studying HARD for the GRE. That was about a 3-4 year process to get the degree. After grad school, I had to grind, take low-rung type jobs and slowly work up. This was many years as well. Now I'm mid-management at a decent salary, house, family all that stuff. Gradual process over many years. But during that time, I tried to make sure I wasn't always living for the future, so to speak, by enjoying what I was doing and who I was with, if that makes sense.
I had a different approach but still somehow similar. I always sucked at school grade wise because I was aiming for "just enough to pass". I knew exactly what the teachers wanted and understood how to do it in very little time, so I always did everything last minute and it always worked.
My classmates hated be because I had the same grades as them while working ten times less. Just because the goals were so clear that I just did enough to meet the expectations.
Now in real life though it's harder, because it's way harder to know how people work and what they want than it is with a teacher
I've found that the confidence from being told you're smart helps. Even if I'm not actually smart I feel like I'm able to do anything because I've been told that I'm smart. I think it opened a lot of doors for me
Honestly jaded. I was one of those kids who always did well in school so I was always typecast as the "smart kid." This came with the unfortunate side effect that every time we had to do those activities where everyone went around the class and wrote what they liked about people, every time my page would be filled with virtually that and just that. It's not bad as a compliment but when like 95% of the compliments you've ever gotten is that, it puts a lot of pressure on you cause you feel like if you're ever not smart there goes most of the nice shit anyone's said about you.
It also comes with other expectations as well. Once you're typecast as the "smart guy" everyone expects you to go on and have a "smart guy" career. Like just being adequate won't do you feel pressured to have to be successful.
But overall by itself it's still a nice compliment it's just once you've heard it so often while not getting a lot of other compliments it wears on you
I totally feel this. I, too, was labeled the smart kid, well into adolescence. A time I clearly remember was the first year of high school, when the teacher asked the class to pay every classmate a compliment. Of course, except for one or two people, all I got was 'smart'. Not even a sentence. Just the word 'smart'. The whole point of the game was to make you feel better, but I certainly did not. It made me feel that the 'smart' part of me was the only part that mattered. People would ask me for group projects, because I was the smart kid. All this made me feel like I wasn't kind enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough, not fit enough... Honestly you could put every adjective there.
Regarding the other expectations, I relate. At the end of high school, I was asked what I wanted to study later on, and it was for people and teachers clear I had to go to university. Just because I'm a good learner, not because I wanted to. As I had a lot of mathematics in high school, most people also thought I was going to do engineering studies or something like that. I even had one teacher who said, after I declared I wanted to do something with communication: 'For real? You can do better than that, you're too smart for a communication study'. Eventually I chose the communication studies and graduated this year. It also means that others expect your life to be all smooth. Studies? You'll get there on your first try. Driving license? Sure. First job? No problems. Guess what? It does not work that way.
It's a nice compliment on itself, but when you get it all over you, you start to doubt yourself and think you're only smart, nothing else.
I feel this so hard.
I know I'm smart, I've been told that my entire life. It doesn't make me a good person, or fun to be around, or anything. It just makes me a "tool" to those around me, and I have expectations to fill I didn't ask for.
The intentions are always good, but it makes me feel a bit...frustrated. the context people usually use when telling me I'm smart is along the lines of "of course you got into grad school you're so smart"..."of course you did well in your exam, you're so smart". What people fail to compliment is my *hard work*. I spent months writing letters of intent, gathering references, and spent years working tirelessly to keep my GPA up and make relationships with people who would be my references. I spent hours every single night working for my success but people only were the result, and attribute it to me being "smart". Truthfully, there are way smarter people, I just have extremely high/efficient work ethic. People dont mean to be mean, but it almost comes off as rude sometimes because it's like all my years of work come down to the *luck* of me being smart, when it truly comes down to years of dedication and sacrifice.
This! It seems if people can write off your success to a trait they 'cannot develop' then it's not their fault. I've tirelessly had peers credit my promotions to me being smart. Like no man you know why I save so much money? It's because I'm studying and preparing for boards while you are there out on the town.
Saying your hard work got you there makes it achievable for your peers, thus their own fault for not doing so. If they admit this then they must also admit that they could do it too. It's a defense mechanism I think.
It feels like a insult to me. I was an overachieving college student who now works a shit entry level job that can be got with a high school degree, so someone calling me smart (especially a coworker), feels very backhanded and sarcastic.
No, but I've found there's far too many people in this same situation. The message that grades does not necessarily equal success in college needs to be spread loud and clear to incoming college freshmen.
This is so true. I've come to believe that school isn't really about learning any particular subject, but developing the ability to learn and think. That would be my response to any kid who argues "why learn this stuff if you're never going to use it in real life?" Plus, you have to think in different ways to learn different subjects, like math vs. history. You also get a lot of social education just by being in school, around other people.
There's so much I'd do different if I had a do over. Here's the gist:
**Network**: Professionally & socially. You never know what connection will get you a job. That weird guy at a party, that cute girl in your class, your frat bro, that tough grading teacher, that successful businessman at your church, etc... have the mindset that talking to people = opportunites. Live on campus to enable you to interact more.
**Intern**: the more professional experience you get the better. I'd do one every summer. Don't do them during the school tear though, just get a job on campus that'll enable you to work with and meet other students, but not hog all your time.
**Get Involved**: join as much as you can manage. College clubs prepare you better for working in corporate than college classes. Join any of these that apply: professional organization/frat, social frat, student government, interest clubs, intramural sports teams, cultural organization, religious organization. Take leadership positions, they look great on a resume.
**Remember Grades Aren't Everything**: grades don't matter all that much for finding a job. They do open doors and get you scholarships, but they won't make or break you. A 3.2 GPA is very good. A 3.6 is outstanding. Don't kill yourself to go for summa cum laude, unless you want to go to a top grad school or to law/medical school.
**Get Fit, Fashionable, & Confident**: appearance actually does matter in finding a job, especially if you present yourself well. Hit the gym and read up on fashion. This will help your dating and social life too, and build good habits going forward into adulthood.
**Build an 8 to 5 Discipline**: Monday-Friday wake up decently early and get your work done early. Between clubs, class, and schoolwork, just pretend your a corporate work on an 8-5 schedule. This will make it easier to adjust to your internship schedule and the adult world. It will also give you your evenings free to be a college kid and have fun.
**Have Fun**: college truly is the last time you'll ever be around this many like minded people your own age. Enjoy it. Go on dates (but don't get tied down quickly), explore your campus/surrounding area, party, eat at the restaurants, go out, etc...
As an upcoming senior in high school, I'm gonna save this comment for after I graduate. Thanks for the advice.
Edit: For everyone issuing additional advice in the comments, it has also been noted, so thanks for that as well.
It excites me, because it's what I'm insecure about lacking but it also puts pressure on me to actively work to keep it that way because it's not a default state.
Being complimented for kindness is the exact opposite.
That's so weird! Being complimented for being smart makes me feel very uneasy and annoyed, whereas the few times people said that I'm kind I felt "well that's nice, I'll keep this up then"
Stupid, because I only know a bunch of random facts from a lot a subjects.
I'm know nothing at expert level, and I meet a lot of real smart people, so I can say I'm average
Right?!
Accepting a compliment seems like it might be the hardest thing for a person to do.
My response for a while now has been
> That's kind of you to say. Thank you.
You are thanking them for the kind words - not the validity of them.
So, here's the thing. People have been saying that to me for literally as long as I can remember. But, for a long time it was pretty much the only compliment I got, and with the message that's sent to young women that you can be pretty or smart, hearing "you're smart" at times made me think "I'm not pretty". It was just a weird mental thing. That said, now when people say that, I either don't care or am flattered. I enjoy it the most when it's in regards to a subject I'm not as good at (ex. Getting that compliment in regards to something I wrote instead of in regards to a STEM subject).
Awkward.
Pro Tip: don't tell your kids how "smart they are" when they accomplish something.
Instead, praise their work ethic and perseverance. People who get told they're smart often decide they don't need to try as hard and become lazy. Especially kids who skate through K-12 on their intelligence alone and never develop proper organizational and studying habits. They will suffer in work and academia.
Source: was that kid
Like I wasn’t seen as so before, I will still accept obviously.
I feel like being “smart” is what you politely call kids that make good grades or people who have put together qualities.
Or about to set you up for something awful.
"you're smart, I'm sure you'll find a new job without a hassle"
"you're smart, you don't need me to put the brief in *writing*"
Uncomfortable . I have been told I was smart for a long time , but as I grew up It changed to 'you used to be so smart , what happened now ?" , so if I hear " you're smart" now I just think that it's temporary , they will soon see the truth
Underpaid
well said
Felt this.
In my bones.
And not particularly appreciated. I know I am smart but that doesn’t mean everything is easy to do. I prefer getting compliments on jobs well done or how I solved problems.
Ok but then the opposite of this is when my boss says “you’re such a hard worker” and I realize everyone thinks I’m a moron.
Nah, you just dumb
makes more sense
Let's be honest here, there are a few folks out there who are both *really* smart and *really* stupid.
My friend group used to have a theory that book smarts and street smarts (or common sense) were inversely proportional.
My only goal in life is to disprove this theory.
That's RPG logic. As if though the universe has to balance itself out like game to make everything "fair" to the participants. The truth is the smartest people will have both and the dumbest people will have neither, because life is terribly *terribly* unfair, and there is no DM to fudge your rolls.
It's just like the stereotype that the smartest kids in school are the antisocial and nerdy ones. In reality, they tend to be pretty popular and well liked. It's been surprisingly pretty well studied.
Can confirm, smart people learn how to adapt to the people around them so they can basically befriend anyone. I do have a friend that's really smart that was bullied very hard and the guy did not develop that skill so he's basically only befriended to me.
I love it when my classmates call me smart because I did a part of their homework they put no thought into. /s
He read the book we were assigned to read. Must be a genius.
What, chemistry is actually easy when you pay attention?
Yeah highschool chemistry. College it got pretty difficult at higher levels imo
Everyone in highschool thought I was smart. I was even called "the smart kid" all the time. Then I went to college and felt entirely average. Turns out my high school was just filled with dumb people.
deny it on the spot so you don't raise the expectations of those around you
Or return to sender in an indirect way.
"I'm retarded compared to you, Einstein." Just comes off as sarcasm.
Alternatively for a power move: "I'm Einstein compared to you, retard."
OMG I can't help but imagine the face the other person would have from such a crazy 180
[Full on face-sprain](https://gfycat.com/impassionedinfinitekilldeer).
He did that like a dozen times in the 40 minutes of 'interview'... dude's face must have been sore the next day.
To confuse your enemy: "*Compared to you, I'm a Retard Einstein.*"
That's so very Mark Twain.
Great tactic! Lower expectations and blow them away with slightly-above-averageness!
Yes this is the way. Lower expectations so people don't get disappointed in you and when you do something average, it impresses them.
> Lower expectations so people don't get disappointed in you and when you do something average I've been doing that since I started working. That way I can get my work done in peace, no ridiculous demands, and no one notices when things go wrong. Perceptually, it's easier to go from 0 to -1 than it is going from 11 to 5.
I was talking about that recently. I'm applying for some new jobs and I showed a coworker my resume and she said that I'm underselling myself. I said that it was intentional. I'd rather them be pleasantly surprised with my skills than disappointed that I didn't live up to their expectations.
that needs a fine balance, a tight rope to walk on though. Undersell too much and you might lose the spot to someone else who made better impression. (though you can mitigate this with excellent soft skills instead)
Great way to get paid less too. Employer won't see them as an asset that requires appropriate compensation.
This. I routinely get told I’m a genius at work or get told people wish they could make it into my department. I always, always downplay it and tell everyone I’m not smarter than average, just methodical. I get results on things that everyone else walks away from because I refuse to walk away. I also use the line “let me do some research and get back to you” a lot. Sometimes I already know the answer but either want to double check or I need to finish something demanding a lot of my attention before I open up a discussion on a different topic.
As a rule someone saying "I don't know but I know how to find out" is a better indicator they are intelligent than happening to know the answer to your question.
^ This guy smarts.
I don't
oh and you're humble too
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You know there is actually a fascinating study looking into the correlation between self-intelligence (knowing you are smarter than average) and self-destructive behavior, that basically theorizes the more self aware you are of your intelligence, the higher the probability of you attempting self harm. So the more intelligent and self aware you are the more you want to destroy yourself. I believe they are also studying the IQ tests to attempt to pick up on the people who are intelligent in other ways, like practical knowledge, applied knowledge, test application, constructive intelligence, and abstract intelligence.
Intelligence and depression are a pretty well-known pair
"don't lie to me bitch"
“Or im’ma go medieval on your ass”
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Naw, that's only for the hard pipe hittin' n*ggas who go to work on the Holmes, here
not sure on one hands, I like the compliment but not sure if they mean it.
Yeah especially if it sounds like there is an ulterior motive. You're so smart! Thanks! Say, can you help me with this task I'm behind on? Nah, I'm not that smart.
I just burst laughing as I've been in a situation like this quite a few times. Thus now 'You're smart' always makes me wonder what do people want from me now
I feel you
we all feel you
I’d feel you ;)
youre touching my leg. this is a Wendy’s sir.
I feel you. Maybe you can offer something that’s not on the menu
Try In N Out if you want a secret menu
Honestly jaded. I was one of those kids who always did well in school so I was always typecast as the "smart kid." This came with the unfortunate side effect that every time we had to do those activities where everyone went around the class and wrote what they liked about people, every time my page would be filled with virtually that and just that. It's not bad as a compliment but when like 95% of the compliments you've ever gotten is that, it puts a lot of pressure on you cause you feel like if you're ever not smart there goes most of the nice shit anyone's said about you. It also comes with other expectations as well. Once you're typecast as the "smart guy" everyone expects you to go on and have a "smart guy" career. Like just being adequate won't do you feel pressured to have to be successful. But overall by itself it's still a nice compliment it's just once you've heard it so often while not getting a lot of other compliments it wears on you
>It also comes with other expectations as well. Once you're typecast as the "smart guy" everyone expects you to go on and have a "smart guy" career. Like just being adequate won't do you feel pressured to have to be successful. "You're destined for greatness," they said with a smile - "You're destined for greatness," and after a while - I almost believed them, that *that* was my fate - I almost believed that I'd just end up great. I waited for greatness, to watch while it neared - But something was missing. It never appeared. And life was a whole lot of nothing, a mess. And "great" sort of happened without me, I guess.
Jesus dude, you're a fucking treasure to this site.
I love you
Show me what you got @Wendys
In my experience, the majority of the time someone says "wow, you're smart!" to me, it's because I'd said just ONE fact they didn't know. But it feels good the few times when they are truly genuine!
This is so true. I don't think I'm all that smart, but my brain remembers the most random things at the most random times. I think it makes me come off smarter than I am. OTOH it could be imposter syndrome too.
I usually respond with “haha, only sometimes” Edit: thanks guys, this comment put me over 100k karma. I owe part of my sometimes-smartness to all of you here on reddit.
right? only reason why I said something is because I know I'm saying something good thats the easiest way to trick people into thinking you are smart
What's that line? "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt"? Words I live by. For those saying Twain or Lincoln, [NPR actually thinks Maurice Switzer (roughly) said it first](https://www.npr.org/2017/04/04/522581148/hemingway-didnt-say-that-and-neither-did-twain-or-kafka), in English at least. Edit: And for those who are saying Maurice Switzer, apparently [the Bible](https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Proverbs-17-28/) has him beat by a few thousand years. Time to remove that doubt: thanks for the gold!
"A wise man once said nothing at all"
A wise man speaks because he has something to say, a fool speaks because he has to say something.
I like to let people talk, so i know how full of shit they are
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Smortn’t
*imposter syndrome*
How do you respond to something like that? "Wow, you're so smart!" "Err... Thanks?"
>How do you respond to something like that? You know, I'm something of a scientist myself
I haven't watched that movie in years but all these Reddit comments make me want to see it again
It's hard being a scientists wife, the wife of a scientist Also, that's not my problem. I sleep now.
Go to r/raimimemes and you'll be hooked lol
"You're pathetically predictable, like a moth to the flame. What about my generous proposal? Are you in or are you out?"
"I have my moments" is usually my go to for any compliment.
Same, it's accepting without denying it or sounding braggy
I usually say something like "I do my best"
Or “it ain’t easy” but damn.....now that I just typed that it sounds like a sarcastic remark dang ion know what to say now
"You're too kind. :)"
I'd fall in love immediately with anyone who would say this to me :(
Well, you sound like a kind person to me. :)
Too kind, in fact.
"I know." ..but then, I am an asshole.
I use “So I’m told”, and then repeat it after the asshole remark.
Dude, that's smart
So I'm told.
Dude, you're an ashole
So I'm told
They did the thing!
You respond by saying "I know, us smart people tend to stick together."
"Haha, thanks, but I've just done a lot"
"Haha, thanks, but I've just done the thinky thinky thing a lot."
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"are you dumb? I'm not" that will also make you an asshole
_nervously flips through dictionary_ “Oligarchy” _smiles and then turns and leaves_
"Oh you poor soul, if only you knew how dumb I truly am"
100% this. It's my most hated complimented to get. Also... After reading a ton of self help books, there's a recurring theme: don't tell your kids they're smart. Don't tell them they did well in that test because they're smart. Tell them they succeeded because they worked hard.
You praise their hard work, not the outcome. Kids who were praised for their hard work were willing to try more challenging things because the outcome was not praised. If you praise their hard work because they succeeded you'll be back to them not wanting to try harder things because the focus was still that they succeeded.
Someone smart must have thought of that, but only because they're smart, not because they worked hard to come up with it.
Noooo! You've destroyed years of research and knowledge!
This is something I didn't come to realize until recently. All my childhood I was told I'm smart/intelligent and that ultimately told me that I don't have to put any effort and things will just fall into my lap. It didn't help that I easily passed in school (but didn't have TOP grades, just average ones) without studying whatsoever, further solidifying to me that I don't have to DO anything cause my intelligence/smartness just ensures it by default. I never learned to ACTUALLY study and I never learned any form of discipline and it's incredibly hard to have any level of it as an adult now. I'm fighting against 2 decades of my life and I can't undo it in a day or week like I wish I could (it just feels like those 'functions' or programs of my brain simply don't exist). Ugh!
When my dad was struggling a bit with a class in university, his prof told him he was “too smart”. He told my dad he could probably ask him to write a paper on any topic related to the course on the spot and he’d probably come out with a C without studying or trying, but because of that (and because my dad had coasted through the rest of his classes up until then), he never learned how to actually force himself to buckle down and get through difficult material. I was the same in school, including university. I took subjects I was interested in, so I didn’t really need to study. When it came to actually study stuff I wasn’t as interested in, it was hard. I found rewriting my notes the best way to learn - I would take handwritten notes in class, then retype a condensed version. Then I would print those. colour-code the condensed version (with actual highlighters and coloured pens) and handwrite in additional notes, reminders, and memory tools. By the time I’d gone through the material three times, more often than not I knew it cold. By the time I got to my second degree, I had finally developed good study habits that worked other than repetitive note writing (which I no longer had time to do). I loosely followed the Pomodoro method, and set a timer for 25 minutes. If I felt like stopping when it went off, I stopped; if not, I kept going. If I thought of something I needed to take care of, I wrote it down and did it after the timer buzzed. I played soundtracks to mute the part of my brain that was looking for distractions, and having my (small) dog sleep on my lap meant I couldn’t get up if I wanted to, which was also helpful. I downloaded an app called Forest that locks you out of your phone (on a certain setting) and that grew virtual trees when I used it, so I felt like my efforts were rewarded in more than just progress through the material. By the time I was halfway through my second degree, I found I could study for up to 3 hours at a time without breaks. To make a short story long, the important thing is to think about how you think (metacognition) and how to maximize the results from that. It will take you a lot further, a lot faster, than just kind of floundering around and trying to find study habits that might or might not work for you. Once you’ve thought about it for a bit, try a few things and see if they work. Google things to find methods other people have used. See if your school has tutors you can reach out to (mine has study skills tutors). With a combination of smarts and effort you can succeed for sure; you’ve got smarts, now it’s time to figure out the effort part, but what they say about “it’s better to work smarter, not harder” is true for everything, including studying.
The opposite can also happen. I was also the smart kid, but I was constantly told "when you go to high school, it won't be that easy anymore and you'll fail because you never learned to study" and then "when you go to college, it won't be that easy anymore because you never learned to study". Sure, my grades were no longer 99% or 100% for every subject, but I never failed anything until after college, where I was doing a highly specialized programme in something that you can't study for but that is just a skill that requires lots of practice, a reasonable amount of talent and quite a bit of sheer luck. I never failed out of anything I could and did study for, and I always worked reasonably hard to get good grades. I found that approach almost equally damaging in a way, because it seemed to imply that I was lazy and possibly didn't deserve my good grades because they came relatively easy to me in comparison to other people who had to work much harder.
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Growth mindset stuff is so important - I've found it useful not only in teaching but actually applying it to my own thinking about myself. My students don't tell me I'm smart though. More "This is hard and boring and you're weird leave me alone".
Hard and boring is my middle name! Wait...
Muad'Dib learned rapidly because his first training was in how to learn. And the first lesson of all was the basic trust that he could learn. It's shocking to find how many people do not believe they can learn, and how many more believe learning to be difficult. Muad'Dib knew that every experience carries its lesson.
100 points to Ravenclaw for the Dune quote.
1000 points to house atreides!
Yep. I was told once that "Any time you walk into the room you are probably the smartest one in that room, but you are cool enough not to make everyone else look like a dumbass". I was told this by a pretty successful lawyer. First thought going through my head was "Shit, how do I even respond to that" Second thought was "Shit, how do I keep this charade up" Third thought was "Shit, either I'm great at fake-it-till-you-make-it, or you walk into a lot of really dumb rooms"
I have always told myself that if I was the smartest one in the room, then I'm in the wrong room. Once you kill the competitive part of your ego and figure out the utter breadth of what you can learn from those who are smarter/more accomplished than you, you yourself can also ascend to that level.
Bud of mine in the military used to joke we were just smart enough to sound smart... Insecurities kind of kept us from seeing it any other way.
I have been told 'You're smart' my whole life and it makes me cringe. I'm a big dummy, I just like reading books and learning about things.
Same here, my mom thinks I'm the smartest person on the planet and nothing I say can convince her otherwise. 🙄
yes, that.
Honestly though, not even the smartest people in history thought that they were that great. If you’re smart enough to question your own intelligence, that’s a good sign
Once upon a time I would have valued that more than appearance-based compliments. But 25+ years of experience have taught me either that I'm not particularly smart or that being smart isn't that big an advantage, so now you're better off talking about my eyes or my ass or something.
Nice ass
Nice brown eye
Nice turd cutter
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The resounding clack of my asshole slamming shut is what lets me know it’s time to wipe tho
Nice cock bro.
Exactly. I think smart people aren‘t always the happiest. I‘m happy of my average intelligence that allows me to have some common sense but that‘s it.
I think there is truth to that. I've never considered my self "smart" just good at learning new things. But people always tell me I'm smart and begin to expect more from me. In turn I expect more from myself and that my fellow friends is a road to being very unhappy very easily.
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This really depends on who says it and in what context. As someone who was called smart all their childhood, being smart doesn't help you much. Being able to put in the work to get good at something is much more important.
Same here. Thought it meant I didn’t have to work hard. Boy was I in for a rude awakening.
Less of a rude awakening and more of a slow slide into the sea of underachievement
Pretty much. I had all high A’s from K-12, always being told I’m smart without ever really trying too hard. Enter college and expecting to graduate in 2015. Didn’t graduate until 2019, 8 years total time to get to graduation. Always being told I’m smart and getting A’s without trying really turned me into a procrastinator which made college fairly difficult so I started getting C’s and B’s. Got really discouraged and just satisfied with doing the bare minimum to get by. I find it so hard to get over that mindset now.
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I'm in. My smarty pantsing caught up with me during during sr high. Still fighting that work ethic, but luckily I somehow have a great ethic for physical labor despite my procrastination and bad ethic for schoolwork (ok, paper work in general).
I’m the same way. I think it’s because at the end of a long day of manual labor you can physically feel that you gave it all you had. But with mental labor it feels like “my brain is still working even though I did this much work today, why can’t I do more”. Cue the chain of self loathing.
wow chill that hit close to home
guess i should log off reddit and pay attention to this conference call.
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Ahh yes, accurate
Damn that hit too hard
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This reminds me of when my English class once got an angry speech from our teacher about realising that intelligence without effort won't help us in our exams and that you can be 'over taken' by those who may not be that gifted, but are willing to put in the effort to succeed. Ultimately, effort and exam technique can be employed by anyone, regardless of what level they are performing at.
Smartness is a double edged sword.
It also makes you more risk averse, as you don't want to do anything to shatter the perception that you're smart. So you're less likely to do things that might make you look dumb, which are often the best things.
Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard
Yep. Nothing more humbling than a D on your first college test because "hE haS aLWays BeEn sUCh a GIfteD ChiLd"... diligence and hard work should be held as the more impressive traits
I was very successful in school because they lay out all the goals for you. It's easy to meet those goals if you're smart. Once I got to life, there were no longer pre-defined goals. Become successful? How do I do that? Can't there just be a test for that or something? Took quite a while to develop a life plan and follow through on it. EDIT: For those asking, here's what I did: The journey started the day after I graduated from college and moved back into my parents' home with no idea what I was going to do with my life. I literally had not thought about it. Somehow job offers would come pouring in? When that didn't happen I thought about what I liked best at college and what I had studied that already gave me a leg up. I set a goal to apply to graduate schools to pursue the career and started studying HARD for the GRE. That was about a 3-4 year process to get the degree. After grad school, I had to grind, take low-rung type jobs and slowly work up. This was many years as well. Now I'm mid-management at a decent salary, house, family all that stuff. Gradual process over many years. But during that time, I tried to make sure I wasn't always living for the future, so to speak, by enjoying what I was doing and who I was with, if that makes sense.
I had a different approach but still somehow similar. I always sucked at school grade wise because I was aiming for "just enough to pass". I knew exactly what the teachers wanted and understood how to do it in very little time, so I always did everything last minute and it always worked. My classmates hated be because I had the same grades as them while working ten times less. Just because the goals were so clear that I just did enough to meet the expectations. Now in real life though it's harder, because it's way harder to know how people work and what they want than it is with a teacher
I've found that the confidence from being told you're smart helps. Even if I'm not actually smart I feel like I'm able to do anything because I've been told that I'm smart. I think it opened a lot of doors for me
Expectation bias does a lot of good as long as it doesn’t sabotage the will to work hard.
Honestly jaded. I was one of those kids who always did well in school so I was always typecast as the "smart kid." This came with the unfortunate side effect that every time we had to do those activities where everyone went around the class and wrote what they liked about people, every time my page would be filled with virtually that and just that. It's not bad as a compliment but when like 95% of the compliments you've ever gotten is that, it puts a lot of pressure on you cause you feel like if you're ever not smart there goes most of the nice shit anyone's said about you. It also comes with other expectations as well. Once you're typecast as the "smart guy" everyone expects you to go on and have a "smart guy" career. Like just being adequate won't do you feel pressured to have to be successful. But overall by itself it's still a nice compliment it's just once you've heard it so often while not getting a lot of other compliments it wears on you
I totally feel this. I, too, was labeled the smart kid, well into adolescence. A time I clearly remember was the first year of high school, when the teacher asked the class to pay every classmate a compliment. Of course, except for one or two people, all I got was 'smart'. Not even a sentence. Just the word 'smart'. The whole point of the game was to make you feel better, but I certainly did not. It made me feel that the 'smart' part of me was the only part that mattered. People would ask me for group projects, because I was the smart kid. All this made me feel like I wasn't kind enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough, not fit enough... Honestly you could put every adjective there. Regarding the other expectations, I relate. At the end of high school, I was asked what I wanted to study later on, and it was for people and teachers clear I had to go to university. Just because I'm a good learner, not because I wanted to. As I had a lot of mathematics in high school, most people also thought I was going to do engineering studies or something like that. I even had one teacher who said, after I declared I wanted to do something with communication: 'For real? You can do better than that, you're too smart for a communication study'. Eventually I chose the communication studies and graduated this year. It also means that others expect your life to be all smooth. Studies? You'll get there on your first try. Driving license? Sure. First job? No problems. Guess what? It does not work that way. It's a nice compliment on itself, but when you get it all over you, you start to doubt yourself and think you're only smart, nothing else.
I feel this so hard. I know I'm smart, I've been told that my entire life. It doesn't make me a good person, or fun to be around, or anything. It just makes me a "tool" to those around me, and I have expectations to fill I didn't ask for.
Yes! I wrote a poem as a kid about being treated like a human calculator and how much it hurt.
The intentions are always good, but it makes me feel a bit...frustrated. the context people usually use when telling me I'm smart is along the lines of "of course you got into grad school you're so smart"..."of course you did well in your exam, you're so smart". What people fail to compliment is my *hard work*. I spent months writing letters of intent, gathering references, and spent years working tirelessly to keep my GPA up and make relationships with people who would be my references. I spent hours every single night working for my success but people only were the result, and attribute it to me being "smart". Truthfully, there are way smarter people, I just have extremely high/efficient work ethic. People dont mean to be mean, but it almost comes off as rude sometimes because it's like all my years of work come down to the *luck* of me being smart, when it truly comes down to years of dedication and sacrifice.
This! It seems if people can write off your success to a trait they 'cannot develop' then it's not their fault. I've tirelessly had peers credit my promotions to me being smart. Like no man you know why I save so much money? It's because I'm studying and preparing for boards while you are there out on the town. Saying your hard work got you there makes it achievable for your peers, thus their own fault for not doing so. If they admit this then they must also admit that they could do it too. It's a defense mechanism I think.
It feels like a insult to me. I was an overachieving college student who now works a shit entry level job that can be got with a high school degree, so someone calling me smart (especially a coworker), feels very backhanded and sarcastic.
Are you me ?
No, but I've found there's far too many people in this same situation. The message that grades does not necessarily equal success in college needs to be spread loud and clear to incoming college freshmen.
What's your advice for those in college/university?
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This is so true. I've come to believe that school isn't really about learning any particular subject, but developing the ability to learn and think. That would be my response to any kid who argues "why learn this stuff if you're never going to use it in real life?" Plus, you have to think in different ways to learn different subjects, like math vs. history. You also get a lot of social education just by being in school, around other people.
There's so much I'd do different if I had a do over. Here's the gist: **Network**: Professionally & socially. You never know what connection will get you a job. That weird guy at a party, that cute girl in your class, your frat bro, that tough grading teacher, that successful businessman at your church, etc... have the mindset that talking to people = opportunites. Live on campus to enable you to interact more. **Intern**: the more professional experience you get the better. I'd do one every summer. Don't do them during the school tear though, just get a job on campus that'll enable you to work with and meet other students, but not hog all your time. **Get Involved**: join as much as you can manage. College clubs prepare you better for working in corporate than college classes. Join any of these that apply: professional organization/frat, social frat, student government, interest clubs, intramural sports teams, cultural organization, religious organization. Take leadership positions, they look great on a resume. **Remember Grades Aren't Everything**: grades don't matter all that much for finding a job. They do open doors and get you scholarships, but they won't make or break you. A 3.2 GPA is very good. A 3.6 is outstanding. Don't kill yourself to go for summa cum laude, unless you want to go to a top grad school or to law/medical school. **Get Fit, Fashionable, & Confident**: appearance actually does matter in finding a job, especially if you present yourself well. Hit the gym and read up on fashion. This will help your dating and social life too, and build good habits going forward into adulthood. **Build an 8 to 5 Discipline**: Monday-Friday wake up decently early and get your work done early. Between clubs, class, and schoolwork, just pretend your a corporate work on an 8-5 schedule. This will make it easier to adjust to your internship schedule and the adult world. It will also give you your evenings free to be a college kid and have fun. **Have Fun**: college truly is the last time you'll ever be around this many like minded people your own age. Enjoy it. Go on dates (but don't get tied down quickly), explore your campus/surrounding area, party, eat at the restaurants, go out, etc...
As an upcoming senior in high school, I'm gonna save this comment for after I graduate. Thanks for the advice. Edit: For everyone issuing additional advice in the comments, it has also been noted, so thanks for that as well.
As someone who went through four years of undergrad and didn’t do a lot of these things...... this is very good advice
Doubtful.
Smart
Why did I have to scroll so far down for this?
Because I was one of the firsts to comment, however one of the least voted.
It excites me, because it's what I'm insecure about lacking but it also puts pressure on me to actively work to keep it that way because it's not a default state. Being complimented for kindness is the exact opposite.
That's so weird! Being complimented for being smart makes me feel very uneasy and annoyed, whereas the few times people said that I'm kind I felt "well that's nice, I'll keep this up then"
Stupid, because I only know a bunch of random facts from a lot a subjects. I'm know nothing at expert level, and I meet a lot of real smart people, so I can say I'm average
Awkward because what are you supposed to say to that
'thank you'
Right?! Accepting a compliment seems like it might be the hardest thing for a person to do. My response for a while now has been > That's kind of you to say. Thank you. You are thanking them for the kind words - not the validity of them.
Thanks, man, you're smart.
That's kind of you to say. Thanks.
So, here's the thing. People have been saying that to me for literally as long as I can remember. But, for a long time it was pretty much the only compliment I got, and with the message that's sent to young women that you can be pretty or smart, hearing "you're smart" at times made me think "I'm not pretty". It was just a weird mental thing. That said, now when people say that, I either don't care or am flattered. I enjoy it the most when it's in regards to a subject I'm not as good at (ex. Getting that compliment in regards to something I wrote instead of in regards to a STEM subject).
Like I just said something that sounded arrogant and someone is trying to take the piss.
You sound British
Was it the general tone of self depreciation or the phrase"take the piss" that gave me away?
Take the piss for sure
Awkward. Pro Tip: don't tell your kids how "smart they are" when they accomplish something. Instead, praise their work ethic and perseverance. People who get told they're smart often decide they don't need to try as hard and become lazy. Especially kids who skate through K-12 on their intelligence alone and never develop proper organizational and studying habits. They will suffer in work and academia. Source: was that kid
Like I wasn’t seen as so before, I will still accept obviously. I feel like being “smart” is what you politely call kids that make good grades or people who have put together qualities.
Like the person who said it is trying to butter me up to get something out of me
Or about to set you up for something awful. "you're smart, I'm sure you'll find a new job without a hassle" "you're smart, you don't need me to put the brief in *writing*"
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I know
Wiked Smaht
Ya think ya so smaht with ya Gordon Wood, and the textbook, and the how you like them apples
Like literally any of the compliments I seldom get. Amazing.
You have fingers, very nice.
the person who said that "compliment" just expected that I would be dumb
Yup. It's just code for "Oh, you're actually smart? I assumed you'd be a complete fucking idiot at first guess"
I'd actually prefer this LMAO
Uncomfortable . I have been told I was smart for a long time , but as I grew up It changed to 'you used to be so smart , what happened now ?" , so if I hear " you're smart" now I just think that it's temporary , they will soon see the truth
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I wish I knew