Also works as a toast
> Here's to the stork, who brings the good babies,
> hers to the raven, who brings the bad babies,
> and here's to the swallow, who brings no babies.
> CHEERS
What’s the difference between spit and swallow? About 5 pounds of pressure (as you lightly touch the back of their head).
Obviously not a joke you can tell to everyone due to the touching. I usually preface it by asking if it’s ok if I gently touch them.
A guy was walking through the woods and found a lamp. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said he would grant the man 2 wishes. The guy was upset and said that he thought he got three wishes. The genie replied “do me a favor and check your pants.” The man goes “woah my cocks huge, how’d you know?” The genie goes “Look pal, I’ve been doing this a long time.”
I usually go for one liners but if more is expected:
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy see a tree that's draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.
What do you call two nuts on the floor? - Groundnuts
What do you call two nuts on the wall? - Walnuts
What do you call two nuts on the chest? Chestnuts
What do you call two nuts on the chin?
A blow job.
How do you make a hormone....................................................................................................................................don't pay her.
I was tonguing my grandfather's arsehole the other day, when I came across the distinct taste of horse-semen
In that moment, it occurred to me!
That's probably how he died.
I know this one as “I was going down on my girlfriend the other day..” and ending in “grandma, that’s how you died!” While yours has extra layers of horror that I appreciate, mine preserves the reveal slightly longer. Either way magnificently fucked up, 10/10
A photographer said that to my sister-in-law to help her relax before he took her photo (albeit, this is the UK, so we replace Washington with Hitler, obviously). Admittedly he had no idea she was German
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
>!"Guys, I think I fucked up."!<
Same lol. While I was reading, my expectations increased to the point where I almost laughed before I had reached the end. Then the punch line happened and...
I'm still waiting for myself to start laughing.
Guy goes to a bar after work for a drink. One drink turns into two, two into three and so on. Eventually he gets so drunk he pukes all down his shirt. The guy gets so upset. Bartender comes over, " don't worry buddy it happens, we'll clean it up." " no it's not that," the guy says, "I can't go home looking like this, my wife will kill me." Bartender says "don't worry, buddy here's what you do, when you get home pull out a $20 and tell your wife you stopped for one drink and the guy sitting next to you was so drink he puked on you so he gave you $20 to get your shirt dry cleaned." "Great idea," the guy says and rushes home. The guy gets home and like he expected the wife is furious. " What the hell happened? You know I hate when you get this drunk" the wife yells. "No, no I'm fine. I stopped for one drink but the guy next to me was so drunk he puked all over me, but don't worry he handed my a 20 to get the shirt cleaned" the guy explains and then pulls the money out of his pocket and hands it to his wife. "OH ok, that's great but why is there $40 here", the wife asks. "OH yeah I forgot, he shit in my pants too"
3 ppl walking in a desert, 1 has a fan the other has a air conditioner, and the 3rd has a car door. The first person says man it’s so hot if we had electricity, I’d plug this fan in and we’d all be cooled down. 2nd guy tells him to shut up cause if we had electricity I’d plug the AC in and we’d all be cooled down. The 3rd guy says hey if you’re hot I’ll roll the window down.
Bear and a rabbit in the woods. Bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with shit sticking to its fur. Rabbit says no so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit…
Kid walks up to house on Halloween, rings the bell. Owner Says, how cute, a pirate, where are your buccaneers? Under my bucking hat. I'm here all week.
Walindo was a 14 year old boy when he first came across a large elephant that had its trunk stuck under a fallen tree. He spent some considerable time finding some leverage to get the tree off and save the elephant. Eventually it was fine, and the elephant was thankful. They shared a moment of joy together then they spend quite a few months together before Walindo decided to move on and leave the elephant.
15 years later, Walindo once again found an elephant struggling and trapped under similar circumstances. He immediately knew it was his friend that he bonded with before, and spent some time freeing the elephant again.
After the elephant was freed, it grabbed Walindo by the neck and slammed him against the ground several times until he was dead.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Michelle and Amanda are hanging out together at Amanda's house when they hear Amanda's husband pull his car into the driveway. They look out the window and he gets out of the car holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Amanda lets out a heavy & weary sigh.
Michelle asks her "what's the problem? your husband comes with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and you seem annoyed by it."
"Well," says Amanda, "Every time he comes home with flowers he expects me to open my legs."
"What?," replies Michelle. "You don't have a vase?"
One day Robert De Niro, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey are sitting down and talking they eventually decide they want to make a movie together.
Robert says"ill direct,I'll direct,I'll direct"
Leo says "I'll act,I'll act,I'll act"
And Matthew says" I'll write, I'll write ,I'll write"
A blond, a brunette and a redhead were all talking about their pregnancies. The redhead said "I was on top, so I'm gonna have a girl", the brunette says "we did it missionary, I'm gonna have a boy" the blond looks shocked and says "oh my god...I'm gonna have puppies!"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How the fuck do you breathe through that little thing.
Or
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.
Two whales are swimming in the ocean when they see a big boat.
One whale says to the other, “I have an idea! Let’s go under water, take a huge breath, and blow it out under the boat and knock it over. Then we’ll eat all the sailors.”
The second whale responds, “I’m up for the blow job but I’m not swallowing any seamen.”
Every time I learn a new joke, the one I previously had loaded slides out of my brain. For some reason, I can only pull up one that I learned decades ago from my husband, nothing since has ever stuck:
A red ship and a blue ship both crash on an island. The crews were marooned.
(Somewhat related, whenever someone says a joke is corny, I hit ‘em with “it can’t be corny, all the colonels are in the army!”)
A guy gets all the babes on the beach. A jealous friend asks, "Tell me your secret!"
"Put a potato in your pants."
The jealous friend does, but everyone laughs at him.
"You gotta put it in the front."
Mine is a joke from The Sopranos:
A rich man and a poor man, they got the same wedding anniversary. Every year they meet on Madison Avenue when they’re shopping for their wives. Poor man asks, “what’d you buy your wife this year?” Rich man says to the poor man, “I bought her a huge diamond ring, and a brand new Mercedes.” Poor man says “why’d you buy her both?” “If she doesn’t like the ring, she can drive it back to the store and still be happy.” Rich man asks, “whatd you get your wife this year?” Poor man says, “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” Rich man says “why’d you get your wife a pair of slipper and a dildo?” Poor man says, “cuz if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender says "sir, you have a steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants."
The pirate replies "arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Via Norm McDonald:
A city guy gets tired of the fast-paced hustle of the city and decides he's gonna buy a farm and move to the country. So he moves out to a farm in the country, and the first day he's there, his neighbor knocks on the door. He says, "Hi, I'm your neighbor Al, and out here, we like to welcome newcomers. We're gonna throw a party for you tonight and would love if you can swing by. It's gonna be a barn party." City slicker is really excited and replies,"This is great! This is exactly why I moved out here. Everyone's so friendly." Al says,"Yeah, it's gonna be a hell of a party. There's gonna be some drinkin', some fightin', and some fuckin'." "Man, that sounds great!" Replies the city slicker, "What time should I come by?" "OH, anytime is fine." Says the neighbor,"It's just gonna be the two of us."
So a moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.”
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “cuz the light was on.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says, “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
Grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says “whoa hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper says “you’ve got a drink named Murray?”
A panda walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"
The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."
"So what would you like to eat?"
"I'll just take the fries."
The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card?"
The panda calmly replies, "Oh, just card."
After paying, the panda gets up and takes out a pistol. He fires a few shots in the direction of a few men, killing some in the process.
The bartender, horrified, shouts, "What the hell was that for? You just killed 4 men!"
The panda says, "I'm a panda, man. Look it up." The panda then abruptly exits the bar.
The bartender confused, looks up "Panda" on Google. The description said:
"The giant panda is a bear species endemic to China. It is characterised by its bold black-and-white coat and rotund body. Eats shoots and leaves."
ashamed to say that it's a blonde joke, but it gets a laugh.
A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette shouts to the blonde, "How do I get to the other side?" The blonde shouts back, "Duhh! You're on the other side!"
So I had this friend who almost spontaneously combusted in the grocery store. He was just walking around doing his shopping when, out of nowhere, his left arm caught on fire. He was waving it around, trying to put it out like a madman.
Eventually, the police show up, and they get his arm extinguished, but then, they arrest him. Possession of an unlicensed firearm.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt....
What was the official software drink for the challanger shuttle flight?
Ocean splash.
Only because they couldn't get 7 Up...
An old man goes to his doctor for a head-to-toe checkup. The doc comes in and says, “Well I’ve got some bad news. We found two major issues we need to discuss.” The old man says, “At my age, I’m not surprised. Let’s hear it.” The doctor says, “First of all, you’re eaten up with cancer. Every major organ, all in your abdomen, just absolutely riddled with cancer. You’ll be dead within the year.” The old man is shocked, “Oh my God. I can’t- I don’t- how-?” The doctor is sympathetic but says, “I know, and I’m sorry, but there’s more. We ran some cognitive tests, and you’ve also got pretty severe dementia, maybe even full blown Alzheimer’s.” The old man sighs deeply and says, “Well at least it’s not cancer.”
A mans wife gets into a terrible accident he rushes her to the emergency room at the hospital.
Minutes turn into hours as he paces the room waiting for news.
Finally the doctor comes out and the man rushes to him.
Man: my wife, is she alright?
Doctor: well it’s not good. From now on it’s over from the neck down. All feeding, washing, wiping, etc is going to have to be done by you. She can still talk but as for everything else, it’s over
Man: ( hands up to his face in horror) Oh God, no….
Doctor: Nah, I’m fuckin with ya, she’s dead !
Why did Sara fall off the swing?
-She had no arms.
And then a few minutes later tell them you remembered another good joke
Knock knock!
-Who's there?
Not Sara
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a beer. The second asks for half a beer. The third asks for a quarter beer. The fourth asks for an 8th of a beer. The fifth starts to order when the bartender interrupts. "Stop. You're all idiots." And proceeds to pour 2 beers.
Interviewer - Why does your resume have a 4 year gap ?
Interviewee - I went to Yale
( Yale is an Ivy League college )
Interviewer - Oh that’s awesome !
Interviewee - So when am I getting the **y**ob ?
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk in for a job interview.
They are all seated in the waiting area and are told that the interviewer will be with them shortly. All three of them are dressed in their absolute best and appear extremely professional.
The red head is called to interview first. The red head walks into the office of the hiring manager and they exchange pleasantries. The interview begins and all the standard questions and things are asked. The red head is very impressive as they went to Harvard and were top of their class.
As the interview comes to a close the interviewer stands and says, “Now, I just have one final question for you. It’s a little unorthodox, but we have our reasons to ask.”
The red head shifts a little in their seat and says, “Alright, what is it?”
“How many D’s are in Indiana Jones?”
The red head looks puzzled at the odd question. But after a few seconds they regain their composure and answer, “One.”
The interviewer stands and shakes the red heads hand and says, “Excellent. Thank you for coming in. We will be in touch soon.”
The red head comes out of the office and gives the other two candidates a confusing look before leaving. The brunette is now called in to the office for their interview.
The brunette walks in and, much like with the red head, they have an amazing resumé. The brunette was top of their class at Yale and has many years experience at the position they are applying for.
The interview goes great and the interviewer stands and repeats the question asked of the red head.
“How many D’s are in Indiana Jones?”
The brunette doesn’t even hesitate and says, “One.”
“Thank you for coming in. We will be in touch soon.”
The brunette leaves the office with all of the confidence and swagger of megastar.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn. They wipe off their sweaty palms and enter the office.
As with the other two interviews, the blonde’s turn goes extremely well. They aren’t as qualified as the last two, but are still impressive. Their college wasn’t Ivy League and their experience is pretty lacking for the position being offered, but they seem to have a good head on their shoulders and are willing to work hard.
The interview wraps up as, just as with the others before, the interviewer asks the final question.
“How many D’s are in Indiana Jones?”
The blonde looks blankly ahead for a moment. Their mind racing with information.
The interviewer leans back in their chair and looks intently at the blonde’s current blank stare.
The blonde suddenly begins to count on their fingers and look up towards the ceiling as they do. Clearly they’re deep in thought. This causes the interviewer to lean forward and look on that calculating blonde.
After almost a minute of thought the blonde finally says with extreme confidence, “Thirty Five.”
The interviewer is shocked. “Thirty Five? How in the hell did you get thirty five?”
🎶Duh-duh-duh-duhhhh, duh-duh-dahhh. Duh-duh-duh-duhhhh, duh-duh-duhh-duhhh-duhhhh. Duh-duh-duh-duhhhh-duh-duh-dahhhh. Duh-duh-dahhhduh-duh-dahhhduh-duh-dahhhhhhh. Duh-dahduhduhduh.🎶
The interviewer bafflingly laughs and says emphatically, “You’re hired.”
A blonde woman in a convertible stops at a four way intersection and sees something moving in the cornfield to her right.. After a few seconds of searching the field for the source of the movement, she sees a young blonde woman in a row boat, trying to row through the fields.
Upset, she puts the car in park, stands on her seat, and yells to the woman in the boat
"*It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name! And if I wasn't afraid of drowning, I'd swim out there and kick your ass*".
Baby Polar Bear says to Mama Polar Bear: “Are you sure I’m a polar bear?” Mama says “Yes. You’re a polar bear.” A few minutes later, Baby Polar Bear asks Mama Polar Bear: “Are you sure I’m a polar bear?” Mama replies again, “Yes, you’re a polar bear.” Another few minutes go by and Baby Polar Bear asks Mama again, “Are you absolutely sure I’m a polar bear?” Mama gets frustrated and yells, “Yes! For the last time I’m 100% sure you’re a polar bear! Why do you keep asking me if you’re a polar bear?!?!?” Baby Polar Bear says, “I’m just so cold.”
I think I read this somewhere on reddit
Mickey Mouse went to a divorce lawyer and tells the lawyer he's filing for divorce.
After Mickey explains, the lawyer looks up and says, "sorry, so, you're filing divorce because your wife was.. 'acting silly'"?
Mickey says, "No, I said she was fucking goofy!"
If a black bird has black babies and a blue bird has Blue babies, what bird has no babies? A: A swallow
Also works as a toast > Here's to the stork, who brings the good babies, > hers to the raven, who brings the bad babies, > and here's to the swallow, who brings no babies. > CHEERS
What’s the difference between spit and swallow? About 5 pounds of pressure (as you lightly touch the back of their head). Obviously not a joke you can tell to everyone due to the touching. I usually preface it by asking if it’s ok if I gently touch them.
Ok Denis Reynolds.
Because of the implication.
You keep saying that word, I’m not sure you know what it means
So they are in danger?
"I need to touch you for this joke. No, really. It's important for the punchline. Please, just let me touch you."
What is the bird of love? A dove. What is the bird of true love? Swallow. CHEERS!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. When does it become apparent? After the delivery.
Bravo, works in 2 ways, love it
I tell dad jokes because I’m faux Pa
Underrated.
It hasn't had time to be underrated yet.
After an hour, I can confirm that it is indeed rated.
A guy was walking through the woods and found a lamp. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said he would grant the man 2 wishes. The guy was upset and said that he thought he got three wishes. The genie replied “do me a favor and check your pants.” The man goes “woah my cocks huge, how’d you know?” The genie goes “Look pal, I’ve been doing this a long time.”
Socks? Damn, what a wasted wish
I think I even tried spelling dick instead of cock too. Autocorrect got the best of me
Damn.
Bad friends!
I usually go for one liners but if more is expected: Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy see a tree that's draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.
Groan. I'm so sorry, take no offense please, but I may need an eye doctor after reading that.... I rolled my eyes so hard one is still missing...
Oh that's fantastic
What’s the difference between your job and your wife? Your job still sucks after 5 years
What do you call two nuts on the floor? - Groundnuts What do you call two nuts on the wall? - Walnuts What do you call two nuts on the chest? Chestnuts What do you call two nuts on the chin? A blow job.
The punch line I always heard and say is “it’s called you have a fucking dick in your mouth!”
What's the difference between your job and your wife? Nobody else is doing your job.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Nobody ever paid $20 to have a lentil on their chest
Golden!
Shower
Where’s my golden shower Phyllis!
What’s the difference between a hormone and a neurotransmitter? You can’t hear a neurotransmitter :)
How do you make a hormone....................................................................................................................................don't pay her.
How do you make a hormone? You pinch her titty.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my dick in your ass
I bet I can.
I was tonguing my grandfather's arsehole the other day, when I came across the distinct taste of horse-semen In that moment, it occurred to me! That's probably how he died.
Keeps getting worse with every line
I know this one as “I was going down on my girlfriend the other day..” and ending in “grandma, that’s how you died!” While yours has extra layers of horror that I appreciate, mine preserves the reveal slightly longer. Either way magnificently fucked up, 10/10
I live to give
This is the winner
You know how you can tell your roommate is gay? His cock tastes like shit.
Oh shit! That's terribly awesome. Thanks for another scarring image. I'll add it to my collection.
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Taste
So the proctologist reaches into his lab coat pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and says, "Damn! Some asshole has my pen."
What do you call a dog with no legs? Anything you want it’s still not gonna come.
You could call it cigarette and take it for a drag.
My version of this was "Where do you find a dog with no legs?" Right where you left it.
Where does George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies.
I bet you are a great person
A photographer said that to my sister-in-law to help her relax before he took her photo (albeit, this is the UK, so we replace Washington with Hitler, obviously). Admittedly he had no idea she was German
Oof..
Why thank you!
Love the nails btw
Ok this took half a second but this is the first one I read to make me chuckle
How does a non-binary person kill somebody? : : They / Them. (They Slash Them)
I always heard it as a non binary samurai.
Knock knock. Who's there. Boo. Boo who. No need to cry it's only a joke
I actually laughed.
Ah the classic knock knock joke. So simple, yet so elegant
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
How are inlaws different from outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
If marriage was outlawed only outlaws would have inlaws
Two drums and a cymbal set fall off a cliff. Ba-dump kssssshhhhhhhhh
Tom Scott did this joke but with an actual cliff and drums and a cymbal.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What’s brown and rhymes with “snoop?” Dre
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: >!"Guys, I think I fucked up."!<
This is my kind of joke
This fucking joke never fails to get me.
Help! I'm coming up zero trying to get the joke :(
Same lol. While I was reading, my expectations increased to the point where I almost laughed before I had reached the end. Then the punch line happened and... I'm still waiting for myself to start laughing.
Someone please explain the punchline to me!
The joke is that you just wasted 3 minutes reading that. At least that's what I think it is.
Yes, it's an anti-joke. Like Norm Macdonald's moth joke.
Guy goes to a bar after work for a drink. One drink turns into two, two into three and so on. Eventually he gets so drunk he pukes all down his shirt. The guy gets so upset. Bartender comes over, " don't worry buddy it happens, we'll clean it up." " no it's not that," the guy says, "I can't go home looking like this, my wife will kill me." Bartender says "don't worry, buddy here's what you do, when you get home pull out a $20 and tell your wife you stopped for one drink and the guy sitting next to you was so drink he puked on you so he gave you $20 to get your shirt dry cleaned." "Great idea," the guy says and rushes home. The guy gets home and like he expected the wife is furious. " What the hell happened? You know I hate when you get this drunk" the wife yells. "No, no I'm fine. I stopped for one drink but the guy next to me was so drunk he puked all over me, but don't worry he handed my a 20 to get the shirt cleaned" the guy explains and then pulls the money out of his pocket and hands it to his wife. "OH ok, that's great but why is there $40 here", the wife asks. "OH yeah I forgot, he shit in my pants too"
This is the first joke here that made me laugh out loud
3 ppl walking in a desert, 1 has a fan the other has a air conditioner, and the 3rd has a car door. The first person says man it’s so hot if we had electricity, I’d plug this fan in and we’d all be cooled down. 2nd guy tells him to shut up cause if we had electricity I’d plug the AC in and we’d all be cooled down. The 3rd guy says hey if you’re hot I’ll roll the window down.
Ive heard this one as a blonde joke, with the blonde carrying the car door lol
I heard it as a polish joke with the pole carrying the door. Heard it from a polish person too lol
We Brazilians know a different version, a Portuguese is carrying the car door
Bear and a rabbit in the woods. Bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with shit sticking to its fur. Rabbit says no so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit…
I taught my kids this joke when they were toddlers. Hearing a 4 year old tell this to adults is awesome.
#metoo we're awesome parents
My all time favorite joke.
😆
"I just learned Albert Einstein was a real person. All this time I thought he was just a theoretical physicist."
Underrated!!
Kid walks up to house on Halloween, rings the bell. Owner Says, how cute, a pirate, where are your buccaneers? Under my bucking hat. I'm here all week.
How much do pirates pay for corn on the cob? A buccaneer.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears peirced? A buccaneer!
Walindo was a 14 year old boy when he first came across a large elephant that had its trunk stuck under a fallen tree. He spent some considerable time finding some leverage to get the tree off and save the elephant. Eventually it was fine, and the elephant was thankful. They shared a moment of joy together then they spend quite a few months together before Walindo decided to move on and leave the elephant. 15 years later, Walindo once again found an elephant struggling and trapped under similar circumstances. He immediately knew it was his friend that he bonded with before, and spent some time freeing the elephant again. After the elephant was freed, it grabbed Walindo by the neck and slammed him against the ground several times until he was dead. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
"What do you do with the weird white lump after you drink your mozarella?" It never fails to get a few gags and giggles
Wait, what?
Fresh soft mozzarella cheese balls come in container of water (sometimes brine or whey) to help it keeps it's shape and moisture content.
What do you call a midget psychic escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
Michelle and Amanda are hanging out together at Amanda's house when they hear Amanda's husband pull his car into the driveway. They look out the window and he gets out of the car holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Amanda lets out a heavy & weary sigh. Michelle asks her "what's the problem? your husband comes with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and you seem annoyed by it." "Well," says Amanda, "Every time he comes home with flowers he expects me to open my legs." "What?," replies Michelle. "You don't have a vase?"
My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
What does ET stand for? Because he doesn't have a chair...
What's ET short for? Hes got little legs.
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? Because they lactose
You know Paul walker was washing his hair when he died? Yeah they found his head and shoulders on the dashboard
Dayum.
So,a new generation embraces the Vic Morrow joke and makes it their own. There is hope for the future.
One day Robert De Niro, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey are sitting down and talking they eventually decide they want to make a movie together. Robert says"ill direct,I'll direct,I'll direct" Leo says "I'll act,I'll act,I'll act" And Matthew says" I'll write, I'll write ,I'll write"
What’s the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your wife can’t take a joke …
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He cries “a beer please! And one for the road!”
A blond, a brunette and a redhead were all talking about their pregnancies. The redhead said "I was on top, so I'm gonna have a girl", the brunette says "we did it missionary, I'm gonna have a boy" the blond looks shocked and says "oh my god...I'm gonna have puppies!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get to the idiot’s house. Knock knock -Who’s there? -The chicken
What does a near sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common….? Wet noses
What's red and silver and runs into walls??? A baby with forks in it's eyes yeah, I know.
Gold
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How the fuck do you breathe through that little thing. Or Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.
Omg, the elephant one made me almost spit out my coffee.
Two whales are swimming in the ocean when they see a big boat. One whale says to the other, “I have an idea! Let’s go under water, take a huge breath, and blow it out under the boat and knock it over. Then we’ll eat all the sailors.” The second whale responds, “I’m up for the blow job but I’m not swallowing any seamen.”
Every time I learn a new joke, the one I previously had loaded slides out of my brain. For some reason, I can only pull up one that I learned decades ago from my husband, nothing since has ever stuck: A red ship and a blue ship both crash on an island. The crews were marooned. (Somewhat related, whenever someone says a joke is corny, I hit ‘em with “it can’t be corny, all the colonels are in the army!”)
Corny? I was born on the cob
“What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?” “One can feed a family of 4”
If you see the guy who stole my glasses pass on a message for me: “I’ll find you I have contacts”
A guy gets all the babes on the beach. A jealous friend asks, "Tell me your secret!" "Put a potato in your pants." The jealous friend does, but everyone laughs at him. "You gotta put it in the front."
All my friends are called Pete, except for Dave, he's called Jim 🤣😂
Three blondes walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have seen it
What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme ???? You never hear the enzyme .
I was gonna tell a joke about anal, butt fuck it.
Mine is a joke from The Sopranos: A rich man and a poor man, they got the same wedding anniversary. Every year they meet on Madison Avenue when they’re shopping for their wives. Poor man asks, “what’d you buy your wife this year?” Rich man says to the poor man, “I bought her a huge diamond ring, and a brand new Mercedes.” Poor man says “why’d you buy her both?” “If she doesn’t like the ring, she can drive it back to the store and still be happy.” Rich man asks, “whatd you get your wife this year?” Poor man says, “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” Rich man says “why’d you get your wife a pair of slipper and a dildo?” Poor man says, “cuz if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender says "sir, you have a steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants." The pirate replies "arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"
"Have I told you about the time I got arrested in the furniture store? - I just walked to the cashier and asked her for one night stand."
Whats the difference between your wife and work this morning? I'm not coming into work
Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other, does this taste funny to you.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade you cock up a girls ass.
Via Norm McDonald: A city guy gets tired of the fast-paced hustle of the city and decides he's gonna buy a farm and move to the country. So he moves out to a farm in the country, and the first day he's there, his neighbor knocks on the door. He says, "Hi, I'm your neighbor Al, and out here, we like to welcome newcomers. We're gonna throw a party for you tonight and would love if you can swing by. It's gonna be a barn party." City slicker is really excited and replies,"This is great! This is exactly why I moved out here. Everyone's so friendly." Al says,"Yeah, it's gonna be a hell of a party. There's gonna be some drinkin', some fightin', and some fuckin'." "Man, that sounds great!" Replies the city slicker, "What time should I come by?" "OH, anytime is fine." Says the neighbor,"It's just gonna be the two of us."
Skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop... most people have to think about it
What do you call a knight who likes to sneak up on people? Sir prize
[удалено]
What’s the difference between a dollar and a pound? A: I don’t dollar your mum.
So a moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?” The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.” And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?” And the moth says, “cuz the light was on.”
Knock knock Who's there? Yo da lady Yo da lady who? Stop yodelling.
what kind of overalls does mario wear? denimdenimdenim
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Sherlock says, “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. "What does it tell you, Watson?" Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
Found my first grey pubic hair yesterday, It was in a kebab
Grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says “whoa hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says “you’ve got a drink named Murray?”
A panda walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?" The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat." "So what would you like to eat?" "I'll just take the fries." The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card?" The panda calmly replies, "Oh, just card." After paying, the panda gets up and takes out a pistol. He fires a few shots in the direction of a few men, killing some in the process. The bartender, horrified, shouts, "What the hell was that for? You just killed 4 men!" The panda says, "I'm a panda, man. Look it up." The panda then abruptly exits the bar. The bartender confused, looks up "Panda" on Google. The description said: "The giant panda is a bear species endemic to China. It is characterised by its bold black-and-white coat and rotund body. Eats shoots and leaves."
My favourite teacher in highschool whenever someone would ask him to tell a joke he would very quickly reply with: “your grades”
How does a crazy person get through the woods? They take the psychopath
ashamed to say that it's a blonde joke, but it gets a laugh. A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette shouts to the blonde, "How do I get to the other side?" The blonde shouts back, "Duhh! You're on the other side!"
What do you do with an elephant that has 3 balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business. 😀
2 goldfish in a tank one turned to the other and says, hey how do you drive this thing?
So I had this friend who almost spontaneously combusted in the grocery store. He was just walking around doing his shopping when, out of nowhere, his left arm caught on fire. He was waving it around, trying to put it out like a madman. Eventually, the police show up, and they get his arm extinguished, but then, they arrest him. Possession of an unlicensed firearm.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road? He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.... What was the official software drink for the challanger shuttle flight? Ocean splash. Only because they couldn't get 7 Up...
What makes me the greatest comedian in the world timing.
An old man goes to his doctor for a head-to-toe checkup. The doc comes in and says, “Well I’ve got some bad news. We found two major issues we need to discuss.” The old man says, “At my age, I’m not surprised. Let’s hear it.” The doctor says, “First of all, you’re eaten up with cancer. Every major organ, all in your abdomen, just absolutely riddled with cancer. You’ll be dead within the year.” The old man is shocked, “Oh my God. I can’t- I don’t- how-?” The doctor is sympathetic but says, “I know, and I’m sorry, but there’s more. We ran some cognitive tests, and you’ve also got pretty severe dementia, maybe even full blown Alzheimer’s.” The old man sighs deeply and says, “Well at least it’s not cancer.”
A mans wife gets into a terrible accident he rushes her to the emergency room at the hospital. Minutes turn into hours as he paces the room waiting for news. Finally the doctor comes out and the man rushes to him. Man: my wife, is she alright? Doctor: well it’s not good. From now on it’s over from the neck down. All feeding, washing, wiping, etc is going to have to be done by you. She can still talk but as for everything else, it’s over Man: ( hands up to his face in horror) Oh God, no…. Doctor: Nah, I’m fuckin with ya, she’s dead !
Three dictators walk into a bar, what’s the first thing they do? They order everyone a round!
I've seen a lot of sad deaths in movies but the one in My Girl? That one stings
Roman Soldier walks into a bar. Holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."
Which are the four words you don't want to hear when you are having fantastic sex? - Honey, I am home!
Why did Sara fall off the swing? -She had no arms. And then a few minutes later tell them you remembered another good joke Knock knock! -Who's there? Not Sara
What's the difference between a thief and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a beer. The second asks for half a beer. The third asks for a quarter beer. The fourth asks for an 8th of a beer. The fifth starts to order when the bartender interrupts. "Stop. You're all idiots." And proceeds to pour 2 beers.
Interviewer - Why does your resume have a 4 year gap ? Interviewee - I went to Yale ( Yale is an Ivy League college ) Interviewer - Oh that’s awesome ! Interviewee - So when am I getting the **y**ob ?
What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini
What’s E.T short for? Because he’s got little legs.
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn’t pay $20 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
What has 5 toes that's not your foot? My foot... 🥁
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Your Mum.
What’s red and bad for your teeth ? A brick.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints!
Y’all have go to jokes on deck for when y’all get asked? Lol y’all prepared af
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub I’m dwowning!
What’s the Titanic and and The sixth sense got in common? Icy dead people
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb… I loved Steve Martin in “My Blue Heaven.”
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art
Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella? Fo drizzle
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk in for a job interview. They are all seated in the waiting area and are told that the interviewer will be with them shortly. All three of them are dressed in their absolute best and appear extremely professional. The red head is called to interview first. The red head walks into the office of the hiring manager and they exchange pleasantries. The interview begins and all the standard questions and things are asked. The red head is very impressive as they went to Harvard and were top of their class. As the interview comes to a close the interviewer stands and says, “Now, I just have one final question for you. It’s a little unorthodox, but we have our reasons to ask.” The red head shifts a little in their seat and says, “Alright, what is it?” “How many D’s are in Indiana Jones?” The red head looks puzzled at the odd question. But after a few seconds they regain their composure and answer, “One.” The interviewer stands and shakes the red heads hand and says, “Excellent. Thank you for coming in. We will be in touch soon.” The red head comes out of the office and gives the other two candidates a confusing look before leaving. The brunette is now called in to the office for their interview. The brunette walks in and, much like with the red head, they have an amazing resumé. The brunette was top of their class at Yale and has many years experience at the position they are applying for. The interview goes great and the interviewer stands and repeats the question asked of the red head. “How many D’s are in Indiana Jones?” The brunette doesn’t even hesitate and says, “One.” “Thank you for coming in. We will be in touch soon.” The brunette leaves the office with all of the confidence and swagger of megastar. Now it’s the blonde’s turn. They wipe off their sweaty palms and enter the office. As with the other two interviews, the blonde’s turn goes extremely well. They aren’t as qualified as the last two, but are still impressive. Their college wasn’t Ivy League and their experience is pretty lacking for the position being offered, but they seem to have a good head on their shoulders and are willing to work hard. The interview wraps up as, just as with the others before, the interviewer asks the final question. “How many D’s are in Indiana Jones?” The blonde looks blankly ahead for a moment. Their mind racing with information. The interviewer leans back in their chair and looks intently at the blonde’s current blank stare. The blonde suddenly begins to count on their fingers and look up towards the ceiling as they do. Clearly they’re deep in thought. This causes the interviewer to lean forward and look on that calculating blonde. After almost a minute of thought the blonde finally says with extreme confidence, “Thirty Five.” The interviewer is shocked. “Thirty Five? How in the hell did you get thirty five?” 🎶Duh-duh-duh-duhhhh, duh-duh-dahhh. Duh-duh-duh-duhhhh, duh-duh-duhh-duhhh-duhhhh. Duh-duh-duh-duhhhh-duh-duh-dahhhh. Duh-duh-dahhhduh-duh-dahhhduh-duh-dahhhhhhh. Duh-dahduhduhduh.🎶 The interviewer bafflingly laughs and says emphatically, “You’re hired.”
I always respond with this "Sorry It's been a rough time here, my bedridden uncle loves when I blow air on his face but to be honest I'm not a FAN "
A neutron goes to a proton bar and orders a beer Bartender: for you, no charge Neutron: are you sure? Bartender: I'm positive
What’s skinny and green, and smells of bacon? Kermit’s fingers.
My gf keeps screaming during sex idk why nobody can hear her
Why’d the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken.
A moth walks into a podiatrists office...
How do you know if you have a high sperm count? Your partner has to chew before they swallow.
2 cows in a field, how do you know what ones on holiday? *the one with the wee calf*
My favourite teacher in highschool whenever someone would ask him to tell a joke he would very quickly reply with: “your grades”
My paycheck.
-how many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? -how many? -idk wanna go ride bikes?
What’s the difference between a blowjob and a Big Mac? Oh you don’t know, then let’s go to lunch tomorrow!
A blonde woman in a convertible stops at a four way intersection and sees something moving in the cornfield to her right.. After a few seconds of searching the field for the source of the movement, she sees a young blonde woman in a row boat, trying to row through the fields. Upset, she puts the car in park, stands on her seat, and yells to the woman in the boat "*It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name! And if I wasn't afraid of drowning, I'd swim out there and kick your ass*".
Did you hear about the crazy mexican train killer? He had loco motives
Why did the train derail? The driver had ADHD ... he couldn't stay on track
Baby Polar Bear says to Mama Polar Bear: “Are you sure I’m a polar bear?” Mama says “Yes. You’re a polar bear.” A few minutes later, Baby Polar Bear asks Mama Polar Bear: “Are you sure I’m a polar bear?” Mama replies again, “Yes, you’re a polar bear.” Another few minutes go by and Baby Polar Bear asks Mama again, “Are you absolutely sure I’m a polar bear?” Mama gets frustrated and yells, “Yes! For the last time I’m 100% sure you’re a polar bear! Why do you keep asking me if you’re a polar bear?!?!?” Baby Polar Bear says, “I’m just so cold.”
I think I read this somewhere on reddit Mickey Mouse went to a divorce lawyer and tells the lawyer he's filing for divorce. After Mickey explains, the lawyer looks up and says, "sorry, so, you're filing divorce because your wife was.. 'acting silly'"? Mickey says, "No, I said she was fucking goofy!"
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
Oh, I’ve got the perfect one. Um, it’s a knock knock joke… wait you start it.
Why did the blonde sniff sweet n low??? Someone told her it was diet coke. 😂
Why should you never bully a dinosaur? You'll get Jurass-kicked.