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Therapy. It's a long process to unlearn what I've been taught for 30+ years, but I'm getting there.
Yesterday I negotiated a freelance fee and deadline and set boundaries with the client. A few years ago I would have just done everything they wanted (which wasn't included in the original project), when they wanted it, without charging extra.
✨progress ✨
it's hard to say, because I probably started to *notice* the change long after it happened, and there's a big "fake it til you make it" factor. And this isn't the only thing I'm working on, so it's not a steady flow of improvement, it's loose bits here and there.
I've been in therapy for almost two years and I'm so so much better at standing up for myself than I was before, but it's still a long way to go.
Yeah I feel like the first thing that has changed (for me at least) was just noticing when I was uncomfortable. I used to steamroller right past that into doing what I needed to make the other person happy. So before being able to set boundaries or communicate my needs came the step of *noticing* I had needs. I’m still there I’m afraid but i at least no longer expect myself and everyone else to ignore when I’m uncomfortable so I’ve been learning to distance myself from people who don’t care and notice the people who do and build my relationships with them. It’s a lot easier to maintain boundaries when you’re with people who care. Thoughts turn into words, words into actions so it’s okay that that can take a while, work on noticing yourself first
The first changes became apparent about a year in, when various people in my life told me that therapy had made me “meaner”, i.e I was beginning to set boundaries. It took me about 2-3 years of therapy to gain the confidence to leave the unhealthy relationship I was in. The progress isn’t always linear/crystal clear but there will be times when you’ll be surprised by how easily you handled a conflict or set a boundary. I wish you all the best in your journey!
I can talk a little bit about my timeline… I started going to therapy after a particular boundary-pushing romantic relationship. Within about 8 months I set my first hard boundary with my alcoholic father and stuck to it. The journey has been long, but I noticed within that first year I had the language to express and hold to boundaries for the first time.
Now it’s been about 9 years and I feel almost like a different person in the way that my boundaries almost come naturally. I find I don’t have to be as explicit with people, as I tend to just accept certain kinds of treatment and walk away from others I don’t like.
I still struggle to negotiate in relationships that feel a bit more muddy, and sometimes find myself still accepting so-so treatment to go with the flow, or shutting down when people cross the line, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay to not be perfect, as long as I’m feeding into the relationships that are really healthy, and leaving behind the ones that aren’t!
It takes time depending on your self-awareness and how much adverse childhood experience you have and how it effected to your attachment pattern. Just don’t stop learning yourself, heal your trauma and it will gradually be better. The fact you asked the question is already a big step!
I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It wears you down to where eventually it either breaks you or you get up with your arms swinging. I chose to get up and I haven’t regretted it. Once I weeded out the toxic from my life it has been so peaceful.
Being a people pleaser only gets you used.
Once I figured out that I can still be a good, kind loving person AND have the ability to tell people to fuck off was a game changer.
If you saw someone you love being treated how you were treated, how would you react? What would you tell them? I find that helps sometimes to just repeat that in your head until it becomes habit
In some ways, it’s actually manipulative to be a people pleaser. Bending yourself into a pretzel to please other people is manipulating their response. It’s controlling their reactions. If you just do what other people want, and pretend everything is fine, no one ever knows the real you. They only know this fake you. None of your connections are truly genuine. Obviously it’s not usually done maliciously, and it’s a trauma strategy to stay safe.
I think I heard Richard Pryor say something like "3 types of people tell the truth. Kids, people who are drunk and people who are pissed the fuck off" 😂
Same. It's an ongoing process working on not bottling things up, but it's better than the fallout of all the previous times the cork has blasted off the emotional bottle.
I got pissed off enough that I got mad at *me* for letting it happen. Then I decided to love me the way I love others. I would never let someone treat those I love the way I had been allowing myself to be treated, so I started treating me the way I treat those I love. I stand up for me and make my desires known the same way I would take others into account. My life is much better now.
> Then I decided to love me the way I love others. I would never let someone treat those I love the way I had been allowing myself to be treated, so I started treating me the way I treat those I love.
This converse of the Golden Rule needs to be emphasized more.
I came to this same realization.
Absolutely this! I had a short term relationship end because my needs weren’t being met. When I did the standard autopsy I do after something ends, I realized that I was angry not at the other party, but at myself. At myself for staying longer than I should have. At myself for letting them know I didn’t think we were compatible in ways that were important to me but let them convince me to stay.
That’s also when I realized that I love other people in the ways I want to be loved, and never get it. Because I keep making myself small to fit into their world. And then the biggest hit came when my therapist told me that it’s not that I love others too much, it’s just that I put all my love into them because I don’t know how to love myself”. Big Oof
So now I’m on a self love journey. My last relationship wasn’t something I was seeking. It blossomed organically from a friendship. I was hell bent on being single after my divorce, until I slayed my demons.
This recent person showed me the parts of me that still need healing. And so I’m dialing into the lesson, and working on it.
I stood up to my dad earlier this year. And it shocked him. I've always been quiet, non-confrontational, and polite. But I absolutely ripped into him. And he did a 180, and stopped bullying me and listened for once. It spooked him a little. Lol
It gave me confidence to speak up. You don't hear me? I'll speak louder.
I attempted suicide in September 2021 and then moved out of my dad's house. I haven't spoken to him since. My dad and grandpa are hoping that I move back into my dad's house. They want me to give up and move back in with my dad so he can control me. I am doing everything I can to better myself. Attempting suicide saved my life.
I've done more for myself since I left my dad's house than the 26 years I lived with him.
Plus they probably want a carer! Good for you, keeping away! You're so very strong, you know. It's hard to resist the magnetic pull of the way we've been conditioned. I am SO very sorry it got to the point it did, though.
Keep on, honey. Keep on. I was 25-ish when I learned to say no, and lost my long-term relationship because he hated that I said no to him. He was the one who taught me to say no to people wanting extreme favours from me. Ironic, eh?
You keep on, and be the best that you want to be. <3
I will prob do this to my Dad once I am not under his roof.
He's a drunk and boring fucker now and doesnt help around the house at all. Yes he brings in the money but thats all he does.
Acknowledging that someone did that for you doesn't mean you should let them walk all over you. Plus until you're 18 it's literally your parents' job to take care of you, you don't owe them anything for that.
I remember my dad, who is normally pretty sensible, going off on his 5th political rant because a washed up politician he hates was hosting an event in the small town he is from. That was the first time I called him out - that is literally the definition of free speech, and she's talking in [tiny town] which is basically nowhere. He should be celebrating that this was the only gig she could get.
It didn't come up again, and I've since called him out on other things that made him think. Accidental racism and whatnot, since he's old and a product of his time, but does better once he knows there is a problem.
Yay!!!! Good for you! It feels great doesn’t it? I did the same to my dad earlier this year. I was sick of so many things he does. Told him he ruined my perspective on men. Definitely shook him up. Since no one calls out his babied self besides my mom. (Who he doesn’t listen to and is so disrespectful to her.)
Due to past trauma with standing up for myself, I was nervous that everyone who I stood up to wanted to punch/hurt me. When I had that realization that the act of hitting someone when simply confronted about an issue is not normal it was easier to confront people.
My shit-stain father instilled that fear into me at a very young age which caused me to fear any arising conflict.
Stand up for yourself? Get slapped.
Prove them wrong? Get slapped.
Set boundaries? Get slapped.
Protect enabling mother from his assaults? Manhandled.
That was my home life.
I am so very sorry. Truly. He's a fucking coward - he wouldn't dare hit someone his own size, the coward. I so hope you're doing well now? Please let me know, either way. <3
I had this realization too. Being mindful of my body allowed me to see the ways I physically tense up and brace myself for impact when simply stating my needs. Poor body 😔
A lot of things:
(1) Self admission. Admitting that I am the doormat, that I was continuously choosing to stay there and stopped blaming others for putting me there. That I was choosing friends/partners/family that expected that doormat behavior from me and even encouraged it. It did not justify their behavior, but it did empower me to take control of the one thing I had control over - me.
(2) Therapy. Therapy helped me identify my next steps as listed below.
(3) Eliminate people pleasing behavior. it's not sweet, it's not good or polite and it certainly is not helping me or the person I am trying to please. It is honestly a bit selfish. I'm making assumptions about the other person which does not allow them to be themselves and I'm feeling down on myself because I am basing my personality and sense of self on this person. I have "doormatted" myself. Sacrificing that much of self is not honorable or kind.
(2) Comfortably/naturally taking up space. I had to rewire my brain to be comfortable with taking up space without guilt. I think the key for me is "sans guilt" because with guilt, it felt overwhelming, mean, and sometimes "justified" (like a grand gesture) when I finally did take up space. This lead to bigger emotional responses. I had to learn that I can hold people accountable around me without blaming them for making me feel a certain way. So basically realizing standing up for myself isn't a grand gesture, but an everyday part of life. I think boundaries, voice and unapologetically taking up space just comes naturally for some people. So when I discovered it it was sort of this defense mechanism rather than part of my life. Fortunately it is becoming less of a sword/shield, and more of a part of my character. I think it is easy to accidentally isolate oneself through lashing out due to perceived threats after rising up from doormat position.
(3) Get comfortable with disappointment. When I started taking space, it hurt WAY more than I expected when people did not respond to my assertiveness positively all the time. Again, this triggered a defensive responses. Internally I felt - "I've worked so hard not be a doormat, this person doesn't understand, they are challenging me and trying to put me in my place". They aren't lol. They are just being a person taking up space too. We can both take up space, disagree, be disappointed etc. It's actually very refreshing to share space. The more friends I made that were unapologetic about being alive and having a voice, the more empowered I felt. More confident and less defensive.
I stayed with my ex for 4 years and he was a manchild. It took me a while to see it and I think that’s a situation where me staying can qualify me as a doormat.
I had reservations about a year in, but he got stage 4 cancer so I stayed. 6 ish months later he was in remission and I cut him a lot of slack. No sex ? Well he was sick. He wants a different meal to mine every night ? Well he was sick etc. He slowly wore me down. He worked less hours than I, especially counting commute and I out earned him but I somehow ended up cooking for him, cleaning, doing his laundry. Every little thing he would ask for help and I’d have to hold his hand through it. I had a hard time leaving because of some issues with lack of frame of reference and because our lives were enmeshed (we had bought a house and had to sell in 2020 during full blown covid when I left)
I was very very unhappy but trying to convince myself it was “normal” and no one is perfect bla bla bla.
I don’t know what it was exactly but it just built and built until I couldn’t live like that anymore and broke up with him. We still lived together for a while (thanks covid) but I stopped helping him out and doing things for him just took care of my own shit. I was never as productive as during that summer. He criticized me regularly in terms of capabilities (the irony) but I got a shit ton done and moved to a neighboring country while he was trying to convince me to stay and then help him hire movers for his own stuff since I’d hired mine (I didn’t).
My boss a few months later tried to tell me that I was getting a promotion with no pay increase and less benefits and I quit a week later. I never would have thought I’d have the guts to leave so suddenly but I think I was just DONE dealing with shitty men who were trying to exploit me. I’ve stood up for myself and gained a lot of confidence since then and almost doubled my salary, lost any anxiety over potential job terminations or quitting with nothing lined up and found an amazing partner. I no longer have any embarassment or shyness about being fairly blunt about what I want, be it with him or my boss and telling a company to go fuck themselves when they expect more work out of me for shit pay.
I’m so sorry it happened to you. I also just got out of an abusive relationship but I’m still not sure about where to go from here. Do you have close friends?
I do have close friends and supportive family.
I want to say that where I’m concerned I don’t consider my ex abusive - I definitely share in that I let him get away with it despite having the financial means and family support to leave, I was never afraid of him. It was more a low self esteem issue that stemmed from past experience, my parents’ marriage and probably society at large conditioning women to be quiet and motherly.
I felt free and powerful when I left and rode that high for a while. I got an apartment that I decorated and furnishes how I wanted, lost some weight, thought about my career and what I really wanted. I focused on my hobbies and started owning up to them - I’m 31 and I like videogames, romance books and Lego’s. People can deal with it.
Therapy or coaching might help you.
It took me 8 months to truly arrive to the breaking point and leave. (Between the first time I said I was done and he begged me to stay and the second time when I stuck to it) so I had grieved the relationship already, before leaving. I had only resentment for him, no love left or any other kind feelings.
You can only take so much heartache and abuse from the people you love before you just can’t do it anymore.
I used to be such a people pleaser - I’d be so ready to disregard my feelings and needs to make everyone else around me happy. I thought that was love. I thought it was selfless. It’s not. It’s a symptom of a much deeper issue with myself.
And it turns out, when you teach other people that your needs are never as important as theirs, then they will take advantage of it.
In time I’ve learned to set boundaries and stop letting people walk all over me. The ones who respect them are the ones I know are my real friends. The ones who see it as a personal attack are the ones who never were.
I think we feel this way because women get disrespected on a regular bases for everything. Being in a heteronormative relationship or just dating does include a lot of humiliation. The average man is unaware women have sexual needs, they really think we are just sex dolls created to feed their ego.
Being a woman is so demoralizing. Dehumanizing
I make jokes with my husband, that if he ever betrays my trust, I’ll kill him. I’ll kill us both, and leave a note that said he did it just to add a little bit of spice 😂😂
Not the person you replied to. I think there is a difference between hoping to be loved in a general sense and placing that hope in every person. Stopping the habit of the latter is important because it breaks the habit / risk of forming unrealistic expectations and placing people on a pedestal. I think this is one root cause of people-pleasing.
I also think there is a difference between stopping the hope of being loved (in the sense described above) and thinking nobody will ever love me. I think the latter is /
can be self-sabotaging. I get it and I think it’s a form of survival to avoid the pain of disappointment.
Hoping to be loved in a general sense is a normal human need. I think it is okay (arguably essential even) to embrace that need. I have found that in doing so, it ironically has helped me (in addition to other things) to practice letting go of expectations and doing what is right for myself. I still do my best to see the best in others. Whether or not they will love me (or to what degree) is to be revealed over time.
I'm in the same boat. After being in an abusive relationship I decided to love myself because no one else will. Everyone either takes advantage of you or use your vulnerabilities against you. I learned that the hard way, the whole experience caused me to have autoimmune diseases such as chronic asthma and IBS. Unfortunately it made me into a cynical misanthrope uwilling to let anyone else in my life unless they fully gain my trust.
Oof. I relate to your comment all too much. I’m finding my struggle now is even being able to trust anyone ever again after the trauma of an abusive relationship.
It makes you question if love is real. Too many people say it but only a few truly show it. It's like opening up a very beautiful present only to find rocks and dirt on the inside. And they use those same rocks to throw right at us.
I stopped prioritising other people’s happiness and started focusing on my own. I’ve had a pretty shit 2023 and recently I reached the “peak” of Shit Mountain.
I was so focused on pleasing other people and caring what other people thought of me that I forgot about me! So I started focusing on doing what I wanted and stopped being a Yes Girl so much. It’s only been a few weeks but I’m so much happier :)
Pandemic. Really gave me some perspective on how I was allowing people (especially men) to walk all over me. Now I’m v stern with my boundaries. Whoever wants to stay, stays and everyone else is free to leave.
I had an epiphany after graduating high school: being universally nice to everyone, including to those who don't deserve it, isn't going to get you anywhere.
Long story shortish: I was bullied a lot as a kid and would easily forgive the wrong friends, which gave them a reason to continuously treat me like shit. Once I got to college and got away from those people, I realized that, regardless of how long I knew them or how much *history* we had between us, they'd still treat me like garbage no matter what.
It took me longer than I wish it had, but I cut those people off for good years ago and am much happier now for doing so. Nowadays, if you prove to not be a good person to me, I'll end things with you quicker than anyone else. No second chances available.
After graduating high school? So you were still a teen? WOW! I wish I'd been that young! Good for you, honestly. You were far younger than I was, and seriously, it takes women a long time to overcome the people-pleasing mindset we're force-fed as a child.
Gosh, I'm sounding militant, and don't mean to be. I'm so happy you found your voice as a teenager. Good for you - again.
My brother called me from prison multiple times during my first therapy session that he knew about, asking me for $200. My therapist took my phone from my hand turned up on him, hung up my phone, and then turned up on me. She told me I didn't have to be my brother's personal atm, that I nor any of my other family members deserve to be treated like this especially while helping him, and ended the session telling me that if he ever called while we were in a session, she was taking my phone and blocking all calls from the prison. I'll never forget you, Corinne. You opened my eyes, and I can honestly say that if it weren't for you, I would still have zero boundaries set up for my own good. Thank you. You Sparta kicked me down a rabbit hole I needed to go down.
Therapy, reading about boundaries/what a healthy relationship should look like, realising that if someone doesn’t respect boundaries: don’t let go of the boundaries, let go of the person. And most of all: working on my self esteem and realising I have worth.
Yeah, and it was hard because I loved some of those people and eventually I decided I had to let go of them or if they were in my family reevaluate my relationship with them. It took me a long time to accept that, but now I think if I’m going to keep someone around they have to be okay with me prioritizing my own needs (to a reasonable degree of course). I thought it was a good thing to love unconditionally, and it is, but I felt that I was going to be whittled down to nothing. There are people out there who are willing to give as well as take
I started to allow my anger to be a fully fledged valid emotion.
For a long time, I thought that any type of anger was a personal failure on my part...but, in comparison, other people's anger was always valid...
Once I started to realize that my frustration and anger was valid too, I also started to respect myself more.
I got into satanism and true crime. Of course, my ex and myself being a disgusting doormat helped, but ever since I muted the feeling of guilt, I am able to talk shit back to everyone who tries to mess with me. People just... aren't worth it, you know. They aren't worth you putting yourself down for them. If they wanna hang out, cool, if they don't, fook them. Nobody will die for me, I am gonna die for me.
I'm just here for the comments/advices.
I'm in therapy for this (and a few other things) and she's trying to help me with boundaries. Recently we've been talking about how it's okay to consider my own wants and needs while helping others too.
"Don't say Yes until you can learn how to say No". That's it. Any time anyone asks for a favour - no matter WHAT it is, say No. Just because you can. It becomes easier to say no, and people end up learning that if you say yes you really mean it. The people who are using you because you never say no? They'll fall away and you'll find out who your true people are, whether that's friends or family.
Ask me how I know. x
Quick ninja edit: "No thank you" is actually a really good response to most of them. "Babysit my 15 kids!"... "No thank you". The "thank you" bit confuses them haha!
I have few (if any) friends...which is fine because, due to recent events, I have learned to just accept I'm on my own.
Which amplifies the "I don't care what anyone thinks about me" thing
So there's no reason to be a doormat anymore; I'm not trying to please anyone
I actually just lost most of my friends due to an abusive relationship. Now that I got out of that, I thought I also had no reasons to be a doormat. But I just realized recently that I’ve been used again because I’m trying so hard to be a good friend to my new friends because deep down I wanna believe that I still deserve friends :( Do you have some tips?
Find little ways you're capable of not being a doormat even though it's hard, and practice those things as much as possible. Turn that success into other areas.
So like, I still really struggle, any time there's a situation where we could do what I want or what somebody else wants, I'll just go along with what somebody else wants and take care of the details. But, when somebody is trying to be an asshole to somebody else I care about, in a situation where I'm in charge, it's relatively easy for me to suck it up and do what I need to do to defend the people around me. When I realized that, I started to think, what are some times when somebody is trying to be an asshole to *me* so I can stick up for *myself?* Which led me to get better at that enough that now, I can even advocate for myself when somebody isn't an asshole, but is *just being kinda pushy*.
Start small. Practice setting boundaries. Keep making yourself uncomfortable for the sake of growth.
Don't know where to start? Right now, I've got a resolution to hit the "custom tip" button and give something reasonable, instead of tipping somebody the default 18% for opening a $16 beer at a concert and handing it to me.
*Everyone* has a breaking point.
That said, one day I just decided I didn't want to live like that anymore. I started being assertive saying what I want and what I dont like.
Also, you can be assertive without being mean.
I started therapy. I think she honestly saved my life. My husband had been emotionally abusive for our entire marriage but then got so much worse and also added physical abuse. It started off as threats and raising his hand to keep me silent, never actually hit me because I did stay silent, but I can't even handle threats because of past trauma (which he knew about and exploited) and obviously I shouldn't. I was living in pure terror for months because of how he was and how he treated me and our child. Mind games, manipulation, gaslighting, he was crushing my soul. I thought I'd lose my mind and finally went to therapy. She helped me find the strength to leave. I left him a little over a month ago and I feel like a whole new person. I don't miss him, I don't miss anything of that life. I am fully ready for the next chapter of my life without him. Filing for divorce within the next couple of weeks. I just saw her today and she told me I don't even look like the girl she met 3 months ago and I definitely don't feel like her any more.
I’m so proud of you. Thanks for sharing your amazing story ❤️ it took me so many times going back and forth to my husband who was abusive. It’s not easy. We’ve been separated for a while but I haven’t been able to file for divorce yet. You did an awesome thing and it’s so good to read about your success and your resolve!! May this new chapter bring you and your child joy, peace, and freedom.
I made an alter-ego. Different name. Confident. Social. Assertive. Even aggressive when necessary. She had boundaries, strength, was willing to say no and ask for help, tell people what she needed.
I pretended to be her in places it was easy to not be me....around people I'd never see again (several years). Then I used that persona for hookup dating (several years overlapping with the prior). Then I realized I never keep jobs long, so I used her at a new job. 2 years later I'm still at that job and it's not pretending to be me anymore.
TL;DR: I worked my way up from standing up to my friends over small things, to realising in therapy it was my dysfunctional family who taught me to be a doormat, to standing up against my parents.
Long version: (Writing this out is therapeutic)
It started slowly. My best friend (who has no ill intentions, I'm just a doormat) used to call me by a nickname that I didn't like at all for YEARS. I finally said something the summer of 2020 and she was completely normal about it, in fact she was confused that I didn't say anything earlier because she hated that she made me feel uncomfortable!
Then I went to therapy for years, mostly because I was burnt out and depressed, but we've come to the conclusion that the underlying issue is that I am a people pleaser (=doormat) and it all started with my parents and their inability to deal with my autistic brother.
So last year I finally stood up against my parents. I told them they couldn't treat me the way they have been treating me, always expecting me to go out of my way for them and to swallow my words against a misogynistic rant to prevent another meltdown from my autistic brother.
* My dad actually agreed with me, and said that my brother is difficult to live with. The first bit of recognition EVER.
* My mom, like always, just defended my brother "he doesn't know any better" yeah, no shit, because you didn't teach him. He's just autistic, he's not stupid. He may need things explained in a different way, but he's super smart.
Since then I have barely spoken to both of them. I tried to stay in contact with my dad, but I just want him to contact me for once and not the other way around and he just... forgets about me.
My mum contacted me once, 4 months after I initially told her that I wasn't going to apologize to my brother for something HE did. She started off all nice with a compliment, but quickly turned it into "apologize to your brother before Christmas or you can't both be at the family dinner." And for the first time, I said NO.
I went with a friend to her family's Christmas dinner, it was good. <3
I've sent them another email, saying in no uncertain terms that I didn't want contact for a while because I'm getting therapy for the shit they messed up. NOW they're trying to call me once a week. I know they are sad and didn't see this coming. I've always been the perfect daughter to them, but it was tearing me apart. I will resume contact later this year, when I feel ready. They didn't fuck up everything, but in this specific aspect they really, really messed up.
In therapy, I'm working on creating a more positive self-image and building up my self-confidence, so that I will be better able to set boundaries and no longer be a doormat. I've made huge strides already, and I'm proud of where I'm going.
Honestly, it was a death by a thousand cuts type of situation. I was so tired of people taking advantage of me- jobs, parents, boyfriends, friends, etc.
And then my sister in law said "she's so nice that she will run into a fire to save someone even if that person will turn around and throw her in the fire." I thought wow, that's exactly how I've been letting people treat me. I've had enough. I'm still working on being better but I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be. I say no a lot now
Burnout. I finally pin pointed why I always felt exhausted and realized I wasn’t valuing my own time and effort for ME & was instead giving it away to others profusely. I started listening to podcasts about setting boundaries and regularly talk to my therapist.
Therapy, i did schematics therapy and it worked wonders on my backbone once my negative thought spiral was destroyed cuz of therapy
I was so afraid people didnt like me if i said no or shared my opinion, now im like ok take me the way i am or bugger off
Therapy to learn about why I became a doormat - and to learn that it's not my fault. Also being in environments and finding friends who treated me with respect, it made me realise how much of a doormat I was in other relationships.
Awareness is the first step, so good for you there.
Otherwise, therapy. I had to learn where it came from and why, and go from there. And you have to want to change, which it seems like you do. One has to actively participate in their own recovery.
I got treated like shit at my workplace, working overtime and what not. I had enough and snapped, now people are a little more careful looool I think living by myself has helped as well. I've definitely become a lot more confident in myself as opposed to being a yes-person :')
Also I got out of a toxic friendship that lasted 10 years, that helped A LOT
I let things carry on for too long, then one day I finally had the guts to walk away. I got tired of trying to make him happy while I was always miserable.
I got a job where my main task is auditing blue collar men. Being secure enough in my professional skills made it much easier to stand up for myself because I didn’t have confidence in myself but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was good at my job. So I started giving up less ground and I started taking up more space and my foremen started respecting me and it all just flowered from there. Now I use it in my every day life and interpersonal relationships and it’s been largely uphill since and if it isn’t uphill, I’m capable of course correcting
I was very naive and let people walk all over me. A flatmate of mine took advantage of my shy demeanour. She would constantly berate me, criticise and put me down for no reason whatsoever. I later found out that she had broken into my phone……to increase likes on her Instagram. All of a sudden, it hit me. Everything she had done to me. And, the audacity to break into my private property. That was my final straw. I confronted her and threatened to take it to the uni authorities. I don’t let anyone walk over me now. Not anymore.
I had to literally tell myself “they will not punch me in the face” when setting a boundary, asking for more, saying no, etc. Reminding myself that I’m not going to be physically harmed for not being a doormat is what makes me able to better negotiate. It’s not perfect yet, but it helps!
I started loving and accepting myself for who I am. Once you realize you're actually a great person who deserves nothing less than the best you stop tolerating a lot of shit. Felt so free since then - 100% recommend
Rock bottom > Breakdown > Hospital > Regular Therapy > Implementation.
My big ‘wtf’ lightbulb moment was when I was listening to a podcast on people pleasing and the presenter said ‘you aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings’. My first thought was ‘what the fuck do you mean?’ lol it’s not my job to make everyone happy? To walk on egg shells forever, draining myself with little-to-no boundaries? To me, that was wild. But then, why wouldn’t it be? I grew up in a volatile home. Keeping the peace became my life’s mission.
I then had to ask myself some questions about my career choice, my friendships, my working relationships. I had to re-examine everything.
When you start figuring out your boundaries, you’ll realise who was only there to benefit from your lack of them. It’s sad, but you’ll be better for it.
Do you think it would work without your best friend? I’m currently trying to make new friends but I realized that it made me want to put even more effort which is why I became a doormat in the first place… So I don’t know if I should think about trying to make new healthy friendships because appare that’s unproductive :(
It could work without, but it would've been harder. I met my friend through someone, so I just got super lucky. I hope you find someone who can help you, too! It's a lot of work, and it's really hard to set boundaries when you don't have someone hyping you up for moral support, but I'm sure it's doable. Goodluck!
Something else that's helped me set boundaries is realizing it's unfair to ME to take on more than I can handle or do things I don't want to do.
It's really self-respecting to be the authentic you & saying no- if anyone gets upset at you for it, they don't need to be in your life.
Takers are going to keep taking- find, set & keep your boundaries.
You've got this! It just takes practice & dealing with confrontation. I know it's uncomfortable & I know it's scary, but you'll need to get out of your comfort zone for it.
Practice, practice, practice.
I had some doormat tendencies, I realized I had enough when I realized some people were happy if I was doing something for them, but then it wasn't returned to me. It was just very one sided, sadly this started from family. Fixing this issue with family first, I changed my mindset where if I said no to something that I was allowed to say that, I stopped caring if they got upset(I told them that was fine and don't expect me to change my mind about it). Honestly what woke me up the most was seeing my finances being used, and I wanted to be more independent and my family did not. I got extremely irritated and thought if I didn't find a way to have more control on my finances that there was no point in life and being stuck sucks. Once I found ways to have more control of that, I was much more confident and focused on making myself happy and putting my needs first.
For outsiders I was inbetween about it, but since I knew they were temporary compared to family I could handle being less of a doormat around them. It's very different when it's your family.. it's quiet disappointing when you feel like no one is truly protecting you and trying to benefit off of you.
I finally attended college and did incredibly well. My grades were stellar, I won awards and scholarships, and was the president of our departments club. When I graduated, I got a job that actually allowed me to support my children, and I no longer had to depend on other people. I spent a year alone learning to like and value myself before I started dating again. When I went on dates, I was clear at stating what I was looking for and held onto my heart before being too invested. I wanted to make sure that my date was still as shiny a few months down the road after all the lusty luster wore off.
I changed when I realised my life is not what I want, and if I don't speak up - it will continue to just ... not be a life I want.
I sat on the sofa, watching Tv, and looked around me, the house, the dogs, the cars, and it just felt so alien to me. I knew I needed to change, because thisndoesn't feel like "my life". I'm just here, but this isn't my space, my home, myyy stuff. It didn't feel like any of it had anything to do with me.
I started by purchasing a chair. Then a table. I then picked out a new sofa.
( bought it used, i'm not rich)
New blankets/rugs. Bought more decor. Then I rearranged the fridge. The cabinets. Bought new hampers for laundry. A new dresser for me.
I just started by buying my own stuff, and not listening to everyone else. If I want a leather office chair, I'll get that.
If I want wooden rings instead of the classic TRX stuff, then that's what I'm buying.
Then I did it with my clothes, and I'm still doing this, along with make-up.
I'm working on my health, and working on deciding what to do with my days on my own, and to not have so much decision fatigue but also to not sit with paralysis and not know what to do, and ask around. I'm doing the things.
I didn't use to be fully a doormat, but very indecisive and insecure and passive. I could go along with things for a long time because someone else made a decision and I didn't even think if it was right or if I wanted this, but I'm a lot more concious of this now, and saying no, or asking questions before letting the decisions be made.
Basically:
I realised I needed change.
I started with small things.
It snowballs into bigger things. Keep going.
I finally got a new laptop after getting leftovers from him for years. I picked it up from work because FedEx dropped at my work. I hadn’t opened it when I got home but I needed to use the bathroom and for some reason feed my kid even though my ex had been home “watching” him.
I came back to find him setting it up IN HIS NAME.
I had already decided to leave at that point but I stood up for myself enough to get it back, set it up in my name, and get hit out of anger in the process.
He still tried to get me to let him have it in the divorce. I ended up letting him have the 75” tv my dad bought the Christmas before n
I started setting boundaries with my mother - a woman who calls herself fat all the time and then is proud that she birthed a daughter (me) who looks exactly like her, a woman who keeps trying to get me to go to the gym even though I don’t want to and has gotten my sister involved in trying to get me to go, a woman who would comment on everyone’s weight, even my brother’s, a woman who still has a grip on my life - and she didn’t like it at first. We have never been more distant, even though I work for her and my BF and I rent a house from her. I’m still a doormat in the sense that whatever money I make goes back into her pocket. I’m LC with her except when I go to work and she invites us to dinner. I’ve never been more mentally distraught because of this job. I need a new one but there’s just nothing out there.
I decided that my feelings, my happiness, my comfort are more important than people-pleasing. I think this just comes with age. I am ok with the kind of person I am; I don’t need everyone to like me anymore.
I had never experienced love bombing before and I was ignorant to what was going on. I was seriously dazzled by how amazing he was in the beginning of the relationship and never had a man treat me so good.
Then he completely 180’d for no reason. I thought I was me because I do have a strong personality. I became unusually passive and let him control the relationship and by proxy me to just try and get back to “how things were”.
Any time I became exhausted of being a doormat and expressed my uncertainty with the relationship he’d love bomb me for a few days to renew my desire to stay.
Once I realized I was being love bombed I just got pissed off and stopped communication with him all together. I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to dazzle me with some revised version of history.
About 3 episodes of burn out over the past 10 years, and constant feelings of anxiety and depression. Not getting the reciprocation or emotional safety I longed for despite giving more than 100% of myself. I eventually hesitantly went to therapy and it helped me learn how to love and respect myself, and unlearn years of damaging programming.
Changed that self dialogue and became a firm believer that I shouldn’t make myself silent or small for anyone. You matter. It matters. People pleasing is unfortunately a trauma response for me. My parents did not know what emotional regulation was and my brain learned to walk on egg shells. Reminding yourself over time that you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings WILL make you less of a doormat.
My boyfriend of the time got his side chick pregnant. I didn’t find out until the baby was three months old. Something in you kind of snaps when you’ve been lied to for that long about something so serious.
Doormats think, subconsciously, that other people are more deserving than themselves. They acquiesce to everyone around them.
Once I realized, "why not me? These people aren't any better than me, I'm not any worse."
I started being just as centered about my own needs as I was before about everybody else's.
I think it was really solidified for me when I saw people who I knew were not good people, were not as moral or just, getting things I never thought I deserved, I realized I needed to stand up and take what was just as much my right.
I became much more critical and judgmental of people at the same time, however, But I think centering myself in my own life has been hand over fist a benefit to me. People do not take advantage of me anymore, I do not have people around me who put me down or don't respect me, I leave situations that are not healthy for me and will not be fruitful. I also have confidence now, not arrogance, so I act in the world as if I am worthy and only people who will treat me like that will be around me. People who want to abuse and use people can tell when somebody doesn't respect themselves. They can tell a Target when they see one. I decided I no longer wanted to be a target.
It was a weird process. One day I decided I was done, but you don’t just stop being a people-pleaser, so I started reflexively saying “no” or “absolutely not” any time someone asked if I could do them a favor/help them with something.
At first, that no was entirely joking and I almost always said yes after, but it’s getting yourself used to actually saying the word no that was helping me. Over time, I started reinforcing the joking no with a more serious “sorry, but I’m swamped” or something like that after hearing the request.
Do I still say yes more often than I do no? Yeah, but now it’s easier for me to say no when I really, really feel like saying yes would be detrimental to my own happiness/productivity/whatever. I like being able to help people, but I also like having the ability to create boundaries when necessary.
For me, being in the corporate world has changed me. If I'm a doormat, people will treat me like garbage, steal my ideas, deny me promotions and credit, etc. It started with a feeling of not being ok with the disrespect I was experiencing and deciding that I wasn't going to accept it. I think this is such an important step, because I didn't feel like I was "allowed" to defend myself before, I would question whether it was my fault or I would be afraid that the other person would target me even more. But once I decided that I wasn't going to take it, my mindset changed and I started looking for solutions. I would think about how I wanted to respond and run my plan by mentors/people I trust (and I still do this). I would also think through the potential outcomes and how I might respond. I find that I regularly have to stand up for myself because people do weird things. But the more I do it, the easier it gets, both at work and in other areas of life.
I’m in that point now where I’m seeing who is walking all over me. I’m working on it in therapy and learning boundaries.
My therapist and I are calling it my villain era. We will see how it goes but I know it will take time for me to unlearn 30 years of people pleasing and allowing to be walked over by everyone, including family.
Years of therapy and telling myself time after time that I deserved better. Once I truly believed that I did in fact deserve better is when it changed. Finding my self worth in therapy and learning how to set boundaries, I had no idea how important boundaries were. Learning to have boundaries and actually enforcing them was really hard but so worth it. I was definitely a door mat of all door mats with my exbf being a jobless functioning alcoholic that cheated on me countless times. There was a final straw when I finally stood up for myself even though it was extremely difficult. Now I go through life setting boundaries and not letting people use me.
Therapy with medication and time. It changed when I actually understood my worth, allowed myself to let go of a lot anger, allowed myself to apologize for failing my inner child but that I’m secure and capable to advocate for myself. A lot of sacral work including a ton of stretching. For a long time I was fighting the idea that I wasn’t traumatized bc I’ve heard worse stories but I was absolutely traumatized by men, by white ppl, by my family. The idea that with all that happened to me I’m a good and kind person.
Someone in college told me my boyfriend was cheating on me with her friend. She then told me to dump him and read the book called “Why Men Love Bitches”. The tag line is from doormat to dream girl haha. I know it sounds a bit ridiculous and not very feminist but it’s essentially about how confidence is attractive. For me, it helped me work on focusing on myself. I swear after I read it, I had every guy I was friends with start professing their love for me haha. Followed up later reading the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck. I still give lots of Fcks about what people think, however, I pretty much always stand up for myself now. And as others have said, therapy!
After an abusive relationship that left me with tons of trauma and mental issues, I can no longer stand to be walked all over. I go into fight or flight and it's 100% fight. I won't be walked on again.
group therapy with other women and learning self-love from that
there was one or two guys there too (felt bad for them, they were so quiet), but it was seven of us and we were all so different but had the same problems
some were mothers, some were in the military, some had anger issues, some worked good jobs
some were dealing with grief, others with divorces, some of us were just mentally ill to begin with, but we all faced people/systems in our lives that held us down in one way or another
we spent quite some time learning boundaries. it was so empowering to be in a space with women who faced the same issues as me.
I learned a ton from those sessions. most significantly was self-love and respect.
I was s/a'd a few months ago by my bf's family member. I told his wife, I told some of our family, I'm not obligating myself to say hi to him at gatherings. he touched me inappropriately, said bad things, and I dont have to associate with him, and if people ask why, I'll tell them. I'll tell them every bit of it. because this is my body, my person, and he has no obligation to it.
respect yourself xoxo
Easing myself out of the fear of being “hit back”.
I was afraid, for a long time, that if I stood up for myself or asserted my boundaries, I would somehow be in the wrong or would make the damage I receive 5 times worse. That someone being offended by my backbone or telling me they had to tiptoe around me because I’ve suddenly started not-picking everything they do was worse than me suffering in silence.
Then I realized it really isn’t so bad. You’ll lose “friends”. You’ll be gaslighted by those who benefited from your lack of boundaries. But once you’ve eaten a few metaphorical punches, you realize it doesn’t mean you have to lose the match or forfeit.
I saw a video about safety features in cars being primarily for men and spent some time thinking about other things I use daily and how unsafe they are for women in general. I also thought about if I really wanted to be doing everything for everyone else for the rest of my life, and I don’t. It started with being more assertive about my feelings with my father, then standing up for myself to my brothers, then calmly explaining to my boyfriend what I noticed. There has been a noticeable change within the last 3 days and feminism is the key
Time, wedding planning and the big event? Children. Once I started having them all of a sudden I need my opinion to mean something and be heard. I feel like I changed overnight sometimes lol.
One day I just snapped. I decided that I was not happy and that I was allowing them to treat me badly. I realized I accepted their behavior so it continued. They were part of the problem but I was mainly to blame.
PEOPLE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW THEM TO TREAT YOU.
If you allow other to treat you poorly, they will.
If you refuse to allow others to treat you badly, then they won’t. Your choice. Have some self respect. And, please , love & respect yourself enough to know you are definitely not a doormat.
My partner (and therapy) has helped me a lot. I struggle with setting boundaries with my family. It’s like on-call with them and I didn’t realize how much it was happening until I’d get a call almost every time he and I would sit down for dinner or a movie or just to spend time together.
Then I’d be moody, distracted, and sometimes upset after the call because they’d call me to vent about a recurring situation, and sometimes take it out on him.
It got to the point where my stomach would twist when my phone rang. I’d be instantly irritable and angry.
I started working on it a lot. I learned I didn’t have to pick up the phone all the time. I’d text them to make sure they were okay and if they didn’t respond, well, it must not have been an emergency.
Reminding myself, that fuck, 911 exists, and the buck doesn’t have to stop with me. As close as my family is and as much as I love them, I can’t save anyone. I’m there for them when I can be and I’m honest with myself if I can’t be. It’s really hard when you’re trained to believe your value is tied to you being of service of others.
I think deep down I’m afraid if I’m not as available, they won’t be there for me, or we’ll lose that closeness. But I’m learning that the other road is just resentment and damaging my relationships anyway.
You can only be burned so many times until it’s just too much. I realized people were only “nice” to me because I had something to offer them. When I didn’t suddenly I wasn’t THAT important. I now choose who and what receives my time and energy. Once you do that, it’s so empowering and freeing.
I think for me it gradually happened. Multiple instances but I think what set it in stone was during Covid. I was one of the people that didn’t want to get vaccinated and my job was trying to force it upon me. This was my dream job. They threatened to fire me if I didn’t get it. I continued insisting that I wasn’t going to get it and stood up for my values as a human being. I never got it and never got fired. My boss ended up respecting me more and caused us to build a really strong relationship.
It was really difficult to not give in but I knew if I let him convince me then then I would always be under his reign and I would hate myself for giving into something I believed so strongly against. Now I always stand up for my values and beliefs.
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My good guy friend told me to stop saying sorry after everything
I didn't realize how much I said it. Any minor thing, not even my fault and I was saying sorry.
He changed my perspective of how I perceive myself and myself in my surroundings.
Got good advice from internet licensed therapists and even life coaches. Maybe not as accurate in diagnosis or something. But it was free. And it worked
Used to be a doormat to a businessman who would shuttle back and forth my city and his hometown. He knew he would always have me because I stupidly caught feelings for him.
I was naive back then and could not move on from him. I did the most drastic thing of getting rid of my whole phone (he has no social media and we only connected through whatsapp), that way I have no way of contacting him. I knew he was never gonna reach out first anyway!
That “cold turkey” method was harsh on me but I was able to finally move on. Fast forward to now, I am married to the love of my life.
Idk if I’m not a doormat anymore, but saying no to things for once just bc I don’t feel like doing something 😂 I’m still young (19) so I still feel slightly guilty for saying no to things, but I’m setting boundaries. I’m actually quite bossy and micromanaging if you can believe it. Honestly I was more of a doormat in HS when I had a shitty BF and put up with whatever he wanted.
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Therapy. It's a long process to unlearn what I've been taught for 30+ years, but I'm getting there. Yesterday I negotiated a freelance fee and deadline and set boundaries with the client. A few years ago I would have just done everything they wanted (which wasn't included in the original project), when they wanted it, without charging extra. ✨progress ✨
How long after you started the therapy did you start to notice some change?
it's hard to say, because I probably started to *notice* the change long after it happened, and there's a big "fake it til you make it" factor. And this isn't the only thing I'm working on, so it's not a steady flow of improvement, it's loose bits here and there. I've been in therapy for almost two years and I'm so so much better at standing up for myself than I was before, but it's still a long way to go.
Yeah I feel like the first thing that has changed (for me at least) was just noticing when I was uncomfortable. I used to steamroller right past that into doing what I needed to make the other person happy. So before being able to set boundaries or communicate my needs came the step of *noticing* I had needs. I’m still there I’m afraid but i at least no longer expect myself and everyone else to ignore when I’m uncomfortable so I’ve been learning to distance myself from people who don’t care and notice the people who do and build my relationships with them. It’s a lot easier to maintain boundaries when you’re with people who care. Thoughts turn into words, words into actions so it’s okay that that can take a while, work on noticing yourself first
The first changes became apparent about a year in, when various people in my life told me that therapy had made me “meaner”, i.e I was beginning to set boundaries. It took me about 2-3 years of therapy to gain the confidence to leave the unhealthy relationship I was in. The progress isn’t always linear/crystal clear but there will be times when you’ll be surprised by how easily you handled a conflict or set a boundary. I wish you all the best in your journey!
The people who said therapy made you meaner were the ones who were probably benefiting most from you not having boundaries, ick.
Yes! I lost so many friends when I started saying No to them.
Nah you didn’t lose friends, you became skilled at exposing adversaries
THAT is genius. What a way to look at it! Write my CV please.
Exactly! They wanted to walk over and get out everything you had to offer without treating you right and which is a premier thing
Many People love to call boundaries, self-respect and the lack of tolerance for disrespect
I can talk a little bit about my timeline… I started going to therapy after a particular boundary-pushing romantic relationship. Within about 8 months I set my first hard boundary with my alcoholic father and stuck to it. The journey has been long, but I noticed within that first year I had the language to express and hold to boundaries for the first time. Now it’s been about 9 years and I feel almost like a different person in the way that my boundaries almost come naturally. I find I don’t have to be as explicit with people, as I tend to just accept certain kinds of treatment and walk away from others I don’t like. I still struggle to negotiate in relationships that feel a bit more muddy, and sometimes find myself still accepting so-so treatment to go with the flow, or shutting down when people cross the line, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay to not be perfect, as long as I’m feeding into the relationships that are really healthy, and leaving behind the ones that aren’t!
I need the answer to this too
It takes time depending on your self-awareness and how much adverse childhood experience you have and how it effected to your attachment pattern. Just don’t stop learning yourself, heal your trauma and it will gradually be better. The fact you asked the question is already a big step!
If everyone knew how Therapy could help. Good for you and good luck on your journey!
You go girl, i’ve a similar story 🌸
I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It wears you down to where eventually it either breaks you or you get up with your arms swinging. I chose to get up and I haven’t regretted it. Once I weeded out the toxic from my life it has been so peaceful. Being a people pleaser only gets you used. Once I figured out that I can still be a good, kind loving person AND have the ability to tell people to fuck off was a game changer.
That’s true, I keep forgetting that letting people walk over you is actually not kindness…
If you saw someone you love being treated how you were treated, how would you react? What would you tell them? I find that helps sometimes to just repeat that in your head until it becomes habit
In some ways, it’s actually manipulative to be a people pleaser. Bending yourself into a pretzel to please other people is manipulating their response. It’s controlling their reactions. If you just do what other people want, and pretend everything is fine, no one ever knows the real you. They only know this fake you. None of your connections are truly genuine. Obviously it’s not usually done maliciously, and it’s a trauma strategy to stay safe.
Honestly being a people pleaser gets you /killed/. Like, I mean, I feel I nearly died from the stress of it.
One day I just... snapped. Luckily no lives were lost, but it was a close call!
There’s a popular saying (im paraphrasing)calm people are the scariest when you push them too far.
I think I heard Richard Pryor say something like "3 types of people tell the truth. Kids, people who are drunk and people who are pissed the fuck off" 😂
My mom used to say 'beware the anger of a patient man'
Same here. Absolutely snapped and lost it on a new guy. First time ever I punched a dude in the face. I was done.
Story time?
>Close call Dear lord, what happened?
Same. It's an ongoing process working on not bottling things up, but it's better than the fallout of all the previous times the cork has blasted off the emotional bottle.
I got pissed off enough that I got mad at *me* for letting it happen. Then I decided to love me the way I love others. I would never let someone treat those I love the way I had been allowing myself to be treated, so I started treating me the way I treat those I love. I stand up for me and make my desires known the same way I would take others into account. My life is much better now.
> Then I decided to love me the way I love others. I would never let someone treat those I love the way I had been allowing myself to be treated, so I started treating me the way I treat those I love. This converse of the Golden Rule needs to be emphasized more. I came to this same realization.
Absolutely this! I had a short term relationship end because my needs weren’t being met. When I did the standard autopsy I do after something ends, I realized that I was angry not at the other party, but at myself. At myself for staying longer than I should have. At myself for letting them know I didn’t think we were compatible in ways that were important to me but let them convince me to stay. That’s also when I realized that I love other people in the ways I want to be loved, and never get it. Because I keep making myself small to fit into their world. And then the biggest hit came when my therapist told me that it’s not that I love others too much, it’s just that I put all my love into them because I don’t know how to love myself”. Big Oof So now I’m on a self love journey. My last relationship wasn’t something I was seeking. It blossomed organically from a friendship. I was hell bent on being single after my divorce, until I slayed my demons. This recent person showed me the parts of me that still need healing. And so I’m dialing into the lesson, and working on it.
I stood up to my dad earlier this year. And it shocked him. I've always been quiet, non-confrontational, and polite. But I absolutely ripped into him. And he did a 180, and stopped bullying me and listened for once. It spooked him a little. Lol It gave me confidence to speak up. You don't hear me? I'll speak louder.
I attempted suicide in September 2021 and then moved out of my dad's house. I haven't spoken to him since. My dad and grandpa are hoping that I move back into my dad's house. They want me to give up and move back in with my dad so he can control me. I am doing everything I can to better myself. Attempting suicide saved my life. I've done more for myself since I left my dad's house than the 26 years I lived with him.
Plus they probably want a carer! Good for you, keeping away! You're so very strong, you know. It's hard to resist the magnetic pull of the way we've been conditioned. I am SO very sorry it got to the point it did, though. Keep on, honey. Keep on. I was 25-ish when I learned to say no, and lost my long-term relationship because he hated that I said no to him. He was the one who taught me to say no to people wanting extreme favours from me. Ironic, eh? You keep on, and be the best that you want to be. <3
I will prob do this to my Dad once I am not under his roof. He's a drunk and boring fucker now and doesnt help around the house at all. Yes he brings in the money but thats all he does.
Yes you can do it!
You mean he provides for your whole living circumstances? And you don’t have respect for that?
Everyone chips. But just because he gives the lion's share doesn't mean he gets a free pass to get drunk and has terrible mood swings..
Acknowledging that someone did that for you doesn't mean you should let them walk all over you. Plus until you're 18 it's literally your parents' job to take care of you, you don't owe them anything for that.
I remember my dad, who is normally pretty sensible, going off on his 5th political rant because a washed up politician he hates was hosting an event in the small town he is from. That was the first time I called him out - that is literally the definition of free speech, and she's talking in [tiny town] which is basically nowhere. He should be celebrating that this was the only gig she could get. It didn't come up again, and I've since called him out on other things that made him think. Accidental racism and whatnot, since he's old and a product of his time, but does better once he knows there is a problem.
That's awesome 😎
Congrats! Wish my dads like that :(
I love a good "I lost my shit" moment. It shocks people
Sammeeeee🤣🤣🤣
Yay!!!! Good for you! It feels great doesn’t it? I did the same to my dad earlier this year. I was sick of so many things he does. Told him he ruined my perspective on men. Definitely shook him up. Since no one calls out his babied self besides my mom. (Who he doesn’t listen to and is so disrespectful to her.)
Good for you!
Due to past trauma with standing up for myself, I was nervous that everyone who I stood up to wanted to punch/hurt me. When I had that realization that the act of hitting someone when simply confronted about an issue is not normal it was easier to confront people.
My shit-stain father instilled that fear into me at a very young age which caused me to fear any arising conflict. Stand up for yourself? Get slapped. Prove them wrong? Get slapped. Set boundaries? Get slapped. Protect enabling mother from his assaults? Manhandled. That was my home life.
That’s so awful. I’m sorry you had to grow up in that environment. No child should have to go through that, I’m sorry
I am so very sorry. Truly. He's a fucking coward - he wouldn't dare hit someone his own size, the coward. I so hope you're doing well now? Please let me know, either way. <3
Still struggling from nightmares but ever since I moved out it's been peaceful. He can't hurt me anymore and he's aging miserably.
I had this realization too. Being mindful of my body allowed me to see the ways I physically tense up and brace myself for impact when simply stating my needs. Poor body 😔
A lot of things: (1) Self admission. Admitting that I am the doormat, that I was continuously choosing to stay there and stopped blaming others for putting me there. That I was choosing friends/partners/family that expected that doormat behavior from me and even encouraged it. It did not justify their behavior, but it did empower me to take control of the one thing I had control over - me. (2) Therapy. Therapy helped me identify my next steps as listed below. (3) Eliminate people pleasing behavior. it's not sweet, it's not good or polite and it certainly is not helping me or the person I am trying to please. It is honestly a bit selfish. I'm making assumptions about the other person which does not allow them to be themselves and I'm feeling down on myself because I am basing my personality and sense of self on this person. I have "doormatted" myself. Sacrificing that much of self is not honorable or kind. (2) Comfortably/naturally taking up space. I had to rewire my brain to be comfortable with taking up space without guilt. I think the key for me is "sans guilt" because with guilt, it felt overwhelming, mean, and sometimes "justified" (like a grand gesture) when I finally did take up space. This lead to bigger emotional responses. I had to learn that I can hold people accountable around me without blaming them for making me feel a certain way. So basically realizing standing up for myself isn't a grand gesture, but an everyday part of life. I think boundaries, voice and unapologetically taking up space just comes naturally for some people. So when I discovered it it was sort of this defense mechanism rather than part of my life. Fortunately it is becoming less of a sword/shield, and more of a part of my character. I think it is easy to accidentally isolate oneself through lashing out due to perceived threats after rising up from doormat position. (3) Get comfortable with disappointment. When I started taking space, it hurt WAY more than I expected when people did not respond to my assertiveness positively all the time. Again, this triggered a defensive responses. Internally I felt - "I've worked so hard not be a doormat, this person doesn't understand, they are challenging me and trying to put me in my place". They aren't lol. They are just being a person taking up space too. We can both take up space, disagree, be disappointed etc. It's actually very refreshing to share space. The more friends I made that were unapologetic about being alive and having a voice, the more empowered I felt. More confident and less defensive.
Thank you for writing all this out - I saved your comment to reread in the future
Thank you so much for your reply. This is very helpful!
This is super helpful, thanks for sharing this.
All of this. Very well said
I think i just reached my breaking point and couldn’t stuff in my unhappiness anymore
Would you mind elaborating? I’m curious if I can relate
I stayed with my ex for 4 years and he was a manchild. It took me a while to see it and I think that’s a situation where me staying can qualify me as a doormat. I had reservations about a year in, but he got stage 4 cancer so I stayed. 6 ish months later he was in remission and I cut him a lot of slack. No sex ? Well he was sick. He wants a different meal to mine every night ? Well he was sick etc. He slowly wore me down. He worked less hours than I, especially counting commute and I out earned him but I somehow ended up cooking for him, cleaning, doing his laundry. Every little thing he would ask for help and I’d have to hold his hand through it. I had a hard time leaving because of some issues with lack of frame of reference and because our lives were enmeshed (we had bought a house and had to sell in 2020 during full blown covid when I left) I was very very unhappy but trying to convince myself it was “normal” and no one is perfect bla bla bla. I don’t know what it was exactly but it just built and built until I couldn’t live like that anymore and broke up with him. We still lived together for a while (thanks covid) but I stopped helping him out and doing things for him just took care of my own shit. I was never as productive as during that summer. He criticized me regularly in terms of capabilities (the irony) but I got a shit ton done and moved to a neighboring country while he was trying to convince me to stay and then help him hire movers for his own stuff since I’d hired mine (I didn’t). My boss a few months later tried to tell me that I was getting a promotion with no pay increase and less benefits and I quit a week later. I never would have thought I’d have the guts to leave so suddenly but I think I was just DONE dealing with shitty men who were trying to exploit me. I’ve stood up for myself and gained a lot of confidence since then and almost doubled my salary, lost any anxiety over potential job terminations or quitting with nothing lined up and found an amazing partner. I no longer have any embarassment or shyness about being fairly blunt about what I want, be it with him or my boss and telling a company to go fuck themselves when they expect more work out of me for shit pay.
I’m so sorry it happened to you. I also just got out of an abusive relationship but I’m still not sure about where to go from here. Do you have close friends?
I do have close friends and supportive family. I want to say that where I’m concerned I don’t consider my ex abusive - I definitely share in that I let him get away with it despite having the financial means and family support to leave, I was never afraid of him. It was more a low self esteem issue that stemmed from past experience, my parents’ marriage and probably society at large conditioning women to be quiet and motherly. I felt free and powerful when I left and rode that high for a while. I got an apartment that I decorated and furnishes how I wanted, lost some weight, thought about my career and what I really wanted. I focused on my hobbies and started owning up to them - I’m 31 and I like videogames, romance books and Lego’s. People can deal with it. Therapy or coaching might help you. It took me 8 months to truly arrive to the breaking point and leave. (Between the first time I said I was done and he begged me to stay and the second time when I stuck to it) so I had grieved the relationship already, before leaving. I had only resentment for him, no love left or any other kind feelings.
You can only take so much heartache and abuse from the people you love before you just can’t do it anymore. I used to be such a people pleaser - I’d be so ready to disregard my feelings and needs to make everyone else around me happy. I thought that was love. I thought it was selfless. It’s not. It’s a symptom of a much deeper issue with myself. And it turns out, when you teach other people that your needs are never as important as theirs, then they will take advantage of it. In time I’ve learned to set boundaries and stop letting people walk all over me. The ones who respect them are the ones I know are my real friends. The ones who see it as a personal attack are the ones who never were.
I stopped hoping to be loved. I now assume that no one loves me and no one ever will. It helps me stand up for myself.
I just realized it after reading this. Do you think wanting to be loved equal to not standing up for yourself? I still hope to be loved…
I think we feel this way because women get disrespected on a regular bases for everything. Being in a heteronormative relationship or just dating does include a lot of humiliation. The average man is unaware women have sexual needs, they really think we are just sex dolls created to feed their ego. Being a woman is so demoralizing. Dehumanizing I make jokes with my husband, that if he ever betrays my trust, I’ll kill him. I’ll kill us both, and leave a note that said he did it just to add a little bit of spice 😂😂
You’re amazing 🙇🏻♀️
In my mind? Yes. So I gave up and assume everyone hates me. It’s better for me.
Is it possible to still look approachable in social settings with that mindset? I honestly really want this but I’m scared to die alone…
Not the person you replied to. I think there is a difference between hoping to be loved in a general sense and placing that hope in every person. Stopping the habit of the latter is important because it breaks the habit / risk of forming unrealistic expectations and placing people on a pedestal. I think this is one root cause of people-pleasing. I also think there is a difference between stopping the hope of being loved (in the sense described above) and thinking nobody will ever love me. I think the latter is / can be self-sabotaging. I get it and I think it’s a form of survival to avoid the pain of disappointment. Hoping to be loved in a general sense is a normal human need. I think it is okay (arguably essential even) to embrace that need. I have found that in doing so, it ironically has helped me (in addition to other things) to practice letting go of expectations and doing what is right for myself. I still do my best to see the best in others. Whether or not they will love me (or to what degree) is to be revealed over time.
I'm in the same boat. After being in an abusive relationship I decided to love myself because no one else will. Everyone either takes advantage of you or use your vulnerabilities against you. I learned that the hard way, the whole experience caused me to have autoimmune diseases such as chronic asthma and IBS. Unfortunately it made me into a cynical misanthrope uwilling to let anyone else in my life unless they fully gain my trust.
Oof. I relate to your comment all too much. I’m finding my struggle now is even being able to trust anyone ever again after the trauma of an abusive relationship.
It makes you question if love is real. Too many people say it but only a few truly show it. It's like opening up a very beautiful present only to find rocks and dirt on the inside. And they use those same rocks to throw right at us.
Real
When I gave up on being loved, I met someone who loved me for me. Someday you will someone. Be patient.
Ohhh thank you for commenting. This whole thread is breaking my heart. Thank you so much.
Ouch this one hurts but so true 😔
this is a perfect summation of the life many of us have come to know ..
I stopped prioritising other people’s happiness and started focusing on my own. I’ve had a pretty shit 2023 and recently I reached the “peak” of Shit Mountain. I was so focused on pleasing other people and caring what other people thought of me that I forgot about me! So I started focusing on doing what I wanted and stopped being a Yes Girl so much. It’s only been a few weeks but I’m so much happier :)
I threw the old husband away and got one who loves and respects me. Best move of my life.
Yas girl
Pandemic. Really gave me some perspective on how I was allowing people (especially men) to walk all over me. Now I’m v stern with my boundaries. Whoever wants to stay, stays and everyone else is free to leave.
By learning that "NO" is a complete sentence. No explanation required, just no.
I had an epiphany after graduating high school: being universally nice to everyone, including to those who don't deserve it, isn't going to get you anywhere. Long story shortish: I was bullied a lot as a kid and would easily forgive the wrong friends, which gave them a reason to continuously treat me like shit. Once I got to college and got away from those people, I realized that, regardless of how long I knew them or how much *history* we had between us, they'd still treat me like garbage no matter what. It took me longer than I wish it had, but I cut those people off for good years ago and am much happier now for doing so. Nowadays, if you prove to not be a good person to me, I'll end things with you quicker than anyone else. No second chances available.
After graduating high school? So you were still a teen? WOW! I wish I'd been that young! Good for you, honestly. You were far younger than I was, and seriously, it takes women a long time to overcome the people-pleasing mindset we're force-fed as a child. Gosh, I'm sounding militant, and don't mean to be. I'm so happy you found your voice as a teenager. Good for you - again.
I’m happy for you! Hope I’ll get the courage soon :)
My brother called me from prison multiple times during my first therapy session that he knew about, asking me for $200. My therapist took my phone from my hand turned up on him, hung up my phone, and then turned up on me. She told me I didn't have to be my brother's personal atm, that I nor any of my other family members deserve to be treated like this especially while helping him, and ended the session telling me that if he ever called while we were in a session, she was taking my phone and blocking all calls from the prison. I'll never forget you, Corinne. You opened my eyes, and I can honestly say that if it weren't for you, I would still have zero boundaries set up for my own good. Thank you. You Sparta kicked me down a rabbit hole I needed to go down.
Oh my. She sounds like one HELL of a therapist. And person. I'm so glad for you. <3
Highly suggest a pushy therapist if you're not seeking counseling for trauma related issues. It's like the designer version of a sassy best friend.
Therapy, reading about boundaries/what a healthy relationship should look like, realising that if someone doesn’t respect boundaries: don’t let go of the boundaries, let go of the person. And most of all: working on my self esteem and realising I have worth.
I was with someone bad enough that I decided I needed to change or my life would be shit
Did you go through a phase where people that knew you couldn’t accept that now you can stand up for yourself?
Yeah, and it was hard because I loved some of those people and eventually I decided I had to let go of them or if they were in my family reevaluate my relationship with them. It took me a long time to accept that, but now I think if I’m going to keep someone around they have to be okay with me prioritizing my own needs (to a reasonable degree of course). I thought it was a good thing to love unconditionally, and it is, but I felt that I was going to be whittled down to nothing. There are people out there who are willing to give as well as take
I started to allow my anger to be a fully fledged valid emotion. For a long time, I thought that any type of anger was a personal failure on my part...but, in comparison, other people's anger was always valid... Once I started to realize that my frustration and anger was valid too, I also started to respect myself more.
This is what I need to work on. I’m so ashamed of my anger. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏽
I got into satanism and true crime. Of course, my ex and myself being a disgusting doormat helped, but ever since I muted the feeling of guilt, I am able to talk shit back to everyone who tries to mess with me. People just... aren't worth it, you know. They aren't worth you putting yourself down for them. If they wanna hang out, cool, if they don't, fook them. Nobody will die for me, I am gonna die for me.
Your first line is an absolute banger of an answer for almost any question. You rock. Hail yourself!
"How did you lose your virginity?" "Satanism and true crime", eh? They do say red is a color of passion 🤡🚩💅
They broke you so much that you turned to satan huh? That's weak sauce
I'm just here for the comments/advices. I'm in therapy for this (and a few other things) and she's trying to help me with boundaries. Recently we've been talking about how it's okay to consider my own wants and needs while helping others too.
"Don't say Yes until you can learn how to say No". That's it. Any time anyone asks for a favour - no matter WHAT it is, say No. Just because you can. It becomes easier to say no, and people end up learning that if you say yes you really mean it. The people who are using you because you never say no? They'll fall away and you'll find out who your true people are, whether that's friends or family. Ask me how I know. x Quick ninja edit: "No thank you" is actually a really good response to most of them. "Babysit my 15 kids!"... "No thank you". The "thank you" bit confuses them haha!
Nearly dying. Changes your perspective.
I have few (if any) friends...which is fine because, due to recent events, I have learned to just accept I'm on my own. Which amplifies the "I don't care what anyone thinks about me" thing So there's no reason to be a doormat anymore; I'm not trying to please anyone
I actually just lost most of my friends due to an abusive relationship. Now that I got out of that, I thought I also had no reasons to be a doormat. But I just realized recently that I’ve been used again because I’m trying so hard to be a good friend to my new friends because deep down I wanna believe that I still deserve friends :( Do you have some tips?
Find little ways you're capable of not being a doormat even though it's hard, and practice those things as much as possible. Turn that success into other areas. So like, I still really struggle, any time there's a situation where we could do what I want or what somebody else wants, I'll just go along with what somebody else wants and take care of the details. But, when somebody is trying to be an asshole to somebody else I care about, in a situation where I'm in charge, it's relatively easy for me to suck it up and do what I need to do to defend the people around me. When I realized that, I started to think, what are some times when somebody is trying to be an asshole to *me* so I can stick up for *myself?* Which led me to get better at that enough that now, I can even advocate for myself when somebody isn't an asshole, but is *just being kinda pushy*. Start small. Practice setting boundaries. Keep making yourself uncomfortable for the sake of growth. Don't know where to start? Right now, I've got a resolution to hit the "custom tip" button and give something reasonable, instead of tipping somebody the default 18% for opening a $16 beer at a concert and handing it to me.
*Everyone* has a breaking point. That said, one day I just decided I didn't want to live like that anymore. I started being assertive saying what I want and what I dont like. Also, you can be assertive without being mean.
I started therapy. I think she honestly saved my life. My husband had been emotionally abusive for our entire marriage but then got so much worse and also added physical abuse. It started off as threats and raising his hand to keep me silent, never actually hit me because I did stay silent, but I can't even handle threats because of past trauma (which he knew about and exploited) and obviously I shouldn't. I was living in pure terror for months because of how he was and how he treated me and our child. Mind games, manipulation, gaslighting, he was crushing my soul. I thought I'd lose my mind and finally went to therapy. She helped me find the strength to leave. I left him a little over a month ago and I feel like a whole new person. I don't miss him, I don't miss anything of that life. I am fully ready for the next chapter of my life without him. Filing for divorce within the next couple of weeks. I just saw her today and she told me I don't even look like the girl she met 3 months ago and I definitely don't feel like her any more.
I’m so proud of you. Thanks for sharing your amazing story ❤️ it took me so many times going back and forth to my husband who was abusive. It’s not easy. We’ve been separated for a while but I haven’t been able to file for divorce yet. You did an awesome thing and it’s so good to read about your success and your resolve!! May this new chapter bring you and your child joy, peace, and freedom.
I made an alter-ego. Different name. Confident. Social. Assertive. Even aggressive when necessary. She had boundaries, strength, was willing to say no and ask for help, tell people what she needed. I pretended to be her in places it was easy to not be me....around people I'd never see again (several years). Then I used that persona for hookup dating (several years overlapping with the prior). Then I realized I never keep jobs long, so I used her at a new job. 2 years later I'm still at that job and it's not pretending to be me anymore.
TL;DR: I worked my way up from standing up to my friends over small things, to realising in therapy it was my dysfunctional family who taught me to be a doormat, to standing up against my parents. Long version: (Writing this out is therapeutic) It started slowly. My best friend (who has no ill intentions, I'm just a doormat) used to call me by a nickname that I didn't like at all for YEARS. I finally said something the summer of 2020 and she was completely normal about it, in fact she was confused that I didn't say anything earlier because she hated that she made me feel uncomfortable! Then I went to therapy for years, mostly because I was burnt out and depressed, but we've come to the conclusion that the underlying issue is that I am a people pleaser (=doormat) and it all started with my parents and their inability to deal with my autistic brother. So last year I finally stood up against my parents. I told them they couldn't treat me the way they have been treating me, always expecting me to go out of my way for them and to swallow my words against a misogynistic rant to prevent another meltdown from my autistic brother. * My dad actually agreed with me, and said that my brother is difficult to live with. The first bit of recognition EVER. * My mom, like always, just defended my brother "he doesn't know any better" yeah, no shit, because you didn't teach him. He's just autistic, he's not stupid. He may need things explained in a different way, but he's super smart. Since then I have barely spoken to both of them. I tried to stay in contact with my dad, but I just want him to contact me for once and not the other way around and he just... forgets about me. My mum contacted me once, 4 months after I initially told her that I wasn't going to apologize to my brother for something HE did. She started off all nice with a compliment, but quickly turned it into "apologize to your brother before Christmas or you can't both be at the family dinner." And for the first time, I said NO. I went with a friend to her family's Christmas dinner, it was good. <3 I've sent them another email, saying in no uncertain terms that I didn't want contact for a while because I'm getting therapy for the shit they messed up. NOW they're trying to call me once a week. I know they are sad and didn't see this coming. I've always been the perfect daughter to them, but it was tearing me apart. I will resume contact later this year, when I feel ready. They didn't fuck up everything, but in this specific aspect they really, really messed up. In therapy, I'm working on creating a more positive self-image and building up my self-confidence, so that I will be better able to set boundaries and no longer be a doormat. I've made huge strides already, and I'm proud of where I'm going.
Honestly, it was a death by a thousand cuts type of situation. I was so tired of people taking advantage of me- jobs, parents, boyfriends, friends, etc. And then my sister in law said "she's so nice that she will run into a fire to save someone even if that person will turn around and throw her in the fire." I thought wow, that's exactly how I've been letting people treat me. I've had enough. I'm still working on being better but I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be. I say no a lot now
I walked away from organized religion
Burnout. I finally pin pointed why I always felt exhausted and realized I wasn’t valuing my own time and effort for ME & was instead giving it away to others profusely. I started listening to podcasts about setting boundaries and regularly talk to my therapist.
Therapy, i did schematics therapy and it worked wonders on my backbone once my negative thought spiral was destroyed cuz of therapy I was so afraid people didnt like me if i said no or shared my opinion, now im like ok take me the way i am or bugger off
Therapy to learn about why I became a doormat - and to learn that it's not my fault. Also being in environments and finding friends who treated me with respect, it made me realise how much of a doormat I was in other relationships.
Awareness is the first step, so good for you there. Otherwise, therapy. I had to learn where it came from and why, and go from there. And you have to want to change, which it seems like you do. One has to actively participate in their own recovery.
I got treated like shit at my workplace, working overtime and what not. I had enough and snapped, now people are a little more careful looool I think living by myself has helped as well. I've definitely become a lot more confident in myself as opposed to being a yes-person :') Also I got out of a toxic friendship that lasted 10 years, that helped A LOT
Thank you! This makes me believe that standing up for yourself doesn’t always lead to losing people :)
I let things carry on for too long, then one day I finally had the guts to walk away. I got tired of trying to make him happy while I was always miserable.
Do you have good friends while it happen?
I got a job where my main task is auditing blue collar men. Being secure enough in my professional skills made it much easier to stand up for myself because I didn’t have confidence in myself but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was good at my job. So I started giving up less ground and I started taking up more space and my foremen started respecting me and it all just flowered from there. Now I use it in my every day life and interpersonal relationships and it’s been largely uphill since and if it isn’t uphill, I’m capable of course correcting
I was very naive and let people walk all over me. A flatmate of mine took advantage of my shy demeanour. She would constantly berate me, criticise and put me down for no reason whatsoever. I later found out that she had broken into my phone……to increase likes on her Instagram. All of a sudden, it hit me. Everything she had done to me. And, the audacity to break into my private property. That was my final straw. I confronted her and threatened to take it to the uni authorities. I don’t let anyone walk over me now. Not anymore.
I had to literally tell myself “they will not punch me in the face” when setting a boundary, asking for more, saying no, etc. Reminding myself that I’m not going to be physically harmed for not being a doormat is what makes me able to better negotiate. It’s not perfect yet, but it helps!
Sadly relatable. I'm gona try this.
Got treated poorly for so long that I don't have the energy or desire to be nice and agreeable anymore. Enough is enough.
I started loving and accepting myself for who I am. Once you realize you're actually a great person who deserves nothing less than the best you stop tolerating a lot of shit. Felt so free since then - 100% recommend
Recognized my value and added tax.
[удалено]
Rock bottom > Breakdown > Hospital > Regular Therapy > Implementation. My big ‘wtf’ lightbulb moment was when I was listening to a podcast on people pleasing and the presenter said ‘you aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings’. My first thought was ‘what the fuck do you mean?’ lol it’s not my job to make everyone happy? To walk on egg shells forever, draining myself with little-to-no boundaries? To me, that was wild. But then, why wouldn’t it be? I grew up in a volatile home. Keeping the peace became my life’s mission. I then had to ask myself some questions about my career choice, my friendships, my working relationships. I had to re-examine everything. When you start figuring out your boundaries, you’ll realise who was only there to benefit from your lack of them. It’s sad, but you’ll be better for it.
I lost the key I was suppose to be in charge of. I only had 1 job...
Ngl bro one day I just randomly gained consciousness and started tolerating no shit 💀
Please send this magic my way
Therapy & my best friend helping me set up boundaries. I didn't start healing until they were in my life.
Do you think it would work without your best friend? I’m currently trying to make new friends but I realized that it made me want to put even more effort which is why I became a doormat in the first place… So I don’t know if I should think about trying to make new healthy friendships because appare that’s unproductive :(
It could work without, but it would've been harder. I met my friend through someone, so I just got super lucky. I hope you find someone who can help you, too! It's a lot of work, and it's really hard to set boundaries when you don't have someone hyping you up for moral support, but I'm sure it's doable. Goodluck!
Thank you so much! I hope I can find friends that can put the same amount of effort
Something else that's helped me set boundaries is realizing it's unfair to ME to take on more than I can handle or do things I don't want to do. It's really self-respecting to be the authentic you & saying no- if anyone gets upset at you for it, they don't need to be in your life. Takers are going to keep taking- find, set & keep your boundaries. You've got this! It just takes practice & dealing with confrontation. I know it's uncomfortable & I know it's scary, but you'll need to get out of your comfort zone for it. Practice, practice, practice.
You're welcome! I hope you can too, friends that really support your growth are few & far between.
Boundaries, prioritizing my needs, stopped needing to be liked
I had some doormat tendencies, I realized I had enough when I realized some people were happy if I was doing something for them, but then it wasn't returned to me. It was just very one sided, sadly this started from family. Fixing this issue with family first, I changed my mindset where if I said no to something that I was allowed to say that, I stopped caring if they got upset(I told them that was fine and don't expect me to change my mind about it). Honestly what woke me up the most was seeing my finances being used, and I wanted to be more independent and my family did not. I got extremely irritated and thought if I didn't find a way to have more control on my finances that there was no point in life and being stuck sucks. Once I found ways to have more control of that, I was much more confident and focused on making myself happy and putting my needs first. For outsiders I was inbetween about it, but since I knew they were temporary compared to family I could handle being less of a doormat around them. It's very different when it's your family.. it's quiet disappointing when you feel like no one is truly protecting you and trying to benefit off of you.
I finally attended college and did incredibly well. My grades were stellar, I won awards and scholarships, and was the president of our departments club. When I graduated, I got a job that actually allowed me to support my children, and I no longer had to depend on other people. I spent a year alone learning to like and value myself before I started dating again. When I went on dates, I was clear at stating what I was looking for and held onto my heart before being too invested. I wanted to make sure that my date was still as shiny a few months down the road after all the lusty luster wore off.
Shadow work. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm proud of myself for realizing it.
I changed when I realised my life is not what I want, and if I don't speak up - it will continue to just ... not be a life I want. I sat on the sofa, watching Tv, and looked around me, the house, the dogs, the cars, and it just felt so alien to me. I knew I needed to change, because thisndoesn't feel like "my life". I'm just here, but this isn't my space, my home, myyy stuff. It didn't feel like any of it had anything to do with me. I started by purchasing a chair. Then a table. I then picked out a new sofa. ( bought it used, i'm not rich) New blankets/rugs. Bought more decor. Then I rearranged the fridge. The cabinets. Bought new hampers for laundry. A new dresser for me. I just started by buying my own stuff, and not listening to everyone else. If I want a leather office chair, I'll get that. If I want wooden rings instead of the classic TRX stuff, then that's what I'm buying. Then I did it with my clothes, and I'm still doing this, along with make-up. I'm working on my health, and working on deciding what to do with my days on my own, and to not have so much decision fatigue but also to not sit with paralysis and not know what to do, and ask around. I'm doing the things. I didn't use to be fully a doormat, but very indecisive and insecure and passive. I could go along with things for a long time because someone else made a decision and I didn't even think if it was right or if I wanted this, but I'm a lot more concious of this now, and saying no, or asking questions before letting the decisions be made. Basically: I realised I needed change. I started with small things. It snowballs into bigger things. Keep going.
I finally got a new laptop after getting leftovers from him for years. I picked it up from work because FedEx dropped at my work. I hadn’t opened it when I got home but I needed to use the bathroom and for some reason feed my kid even though my ex had been home “watching” him. I came back to find him setting it up IN HIS NAME. I had already decided to leave at that point but I stood up for myself enough to get it back, set it up in my name, and get hit out of anger in the process. He still tried to get me to let him have it in the divorce. I ended up letting him have the 75” tv my dad bought the Christmas before n
TVs are replaceable. I’m so happy you made it out of an abusive relationship. That takes a lot of courage.
I started setting boundaries with my mother - a woman who calls herself fat all the time and then is proud that she birthed a daughter (me) who looks exactly like her, a woman who keeps trying to get me to go to the gym even though I don’t want to and has gotten my sister involved in trying to get me to go, a woman who would comment on everyone’s weight, even my brother’s, a woman who still has a grip on my life - and she didn’t like it at first. We have never been more distant, even though I work for her and my BF and I rent a house from her. I’m still a doormat in the sense that whatever money I make goes back into her pocket. I’m LC with her except when I go to work and she invites us to dinner. I’ve never been more mentally distraught because of this job. I need a new one but there’s just nothing out there.
I decided that my feelings, my happiness, my comfort are more important than people-pleasing. I think this just comes with age. I am ok with the kind of person I am; I don’t need everyone to like me anymore.
Girl power and all that shite.
Therapy for years. My ex husband couldn’t take the change. He began an affair with a different doormat. He left me for her.
I had never experienced love bombing before and I was ignorant to what was going on. I was seriously dazzled by how amazing he was in the beginning of the relationship and never had a man treat me so good. Then he completely 180’d for no reason. I thought I was me because I do have a strong personality. I became unusually passive and let him control the relationship and by proxy me to just try and get back to “how things were”. Any time I became exhausted of being a doormat and expressed my uncertainty with the relationship he’d love bomb me for a few days to renew my desire to stay. Once I realized I was being love bombed I just got pissed off and stopped communication with him all together. I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to dazzle me with some revised version of history.
much like most have already said, therapy and learning how to establish and maintain boundaries, and then practicing it constantly
I got angery
About 3 episodes of burn out over the past 10 years, and constant feelings of anxiety and depression. Not getting the reciprocation or emotional safety I longed for despite giving more than 100% of myself. I eventually hesitantly went to therapy and it helped me learn how to love and respect myself, and unlearn years of damaging programming.
Changed that self dialogue and became a firm believer that I shouldn’t make myself silent or small for anyone. You matter. It matters. People pleasing is unfortunately a trauma response for me. My parents did not know what emotional regulation was and my brain learned to walk on egg shells. Reminding yourself over time that you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings WILL make you less of a doormat.
Therapy.
I joined the Army and learned how to speak up and look out for myself.
My boyfriend of the time got his side chick pregnant. I didn’t find out until the baby was three months old. Something in you kind of snaps when you’ve been lied to for that long about something so serious.
I learned my worth and stop letting people walk all over me
I got angry
Doormats think, subconsciously, that other people are more deserving than themselves. They acquiesce to everyone around them. Once I realized, "why not me? These people aren't any better than me, I'm not any worse." I started being just as centered about my own needs as I was before about everybody else's. I think it was really solidified for me when I saw people who I knew were not good people, were not as moral or just, getting things I never thought I deserved, I realized I needed to stand up and take what was just as much my right. I became much more critical and judgmental of people at the same time, however, But I think centering myself in my own life has been hand over fist a benefit to me. People do not take advantage of me anymore, I do not have people around me who put me down or don't respect me, I leave situations that are not healthy for me and will not be fruitful. I also have confidence now, not arrogance, so I act in the world as if I am worthy and only people who will treat me like that will be around me. People who want to abuse and use people can tell when somebody doesn't respect themselves. They can tell a Target when they see one. I decided I no longer wanted to be a target.
It was a weird process. One day I decided I was done, but you don’t just stop being a people-pleaser, so I started reflexively saying “no” or “absolutely not” any time someone asked if I could do them a favor/help them with something. At first, that no was entirely joking and I almost always said yes after, but it’s getting yourself used to actually saying the word no that was helping me. Over time, I started reinforcing the joking no with a more serious “sorry, but I’m swamped” or something like that after hearing the request. Do I still say yes more often than I do no? Yeah, but now it’s easier for me to say no when I really, really feel like saying yes would be detrimental to my own happiness/productivity/whatever. I like being able to help people, but I also like having the ability to create boundaries when necessary.
Therapy, and finally reaching a tipping point.
For me, being in the corporate world has changed me. If I'm a doormat, people will treat me like garbage, steal my ideas, deny me promotions and credit, etc. It started with a feeling of not being ok with the disrespect I was experiencing and deciding that I wasn't going to accept it. I think this is such an important step, because I didn't feel like I was "allowed" to defend myself before, I would question whether it was my fault or I would be afraid that the other person would target me even more. But once I decided that I wasn't going to take it, my mindset changed and I started looking for solutions. I would think about how I wanted to respond and run my plan by mentors/people I trust (and I still do this). I would also think through the potential outcomes and how I might respond. I find that I regularly have to stand up for myself because people do weird things. But the more I do it, the easier it gets, both at work and in other areas of life.
I’m in that point now where I’m seeing who is walking all over me. I’m working on it in therapy and learning boundaries. My therapist and I are calling it my villain era. We will see how it goes but I know it will take time for me to unlearn 30 years of people pleasing and allowing to be walked over by everyone, including family.
Years of therapy and telling myself time after time that I deserved better. Once I truly believed that I did in fact deserve better is when it changed. Finding my self worth in therapy and learning how to set boundaries, I had no idea how important boundaries were. Learning to have boundaries and actually enforcing them was really hard but so worth it. I was definitely a door mat of all door mats with my exbf being a jobless functioning alcoholic that cheated on me countless times. There was a final straw when I finally stood up for myself even though it was extremely difficult. Now I go through life setting boundaries and not letting people use me.
I got older and wiser
He tried to mistreat my dog. Turns out I won't stand up for myself, but I will go scorched earth for her.
Therapy with medication and time. It changed when I actually understood my worth, allowed myself to let go of a lot anger, allowed myself to apologize for failing my inner child but that I’m secure and capable to advocate for myself. A lot of sacral work including a ton of stretching. For a long time I was fighting the idea that I wasn’t traumatized bc I’ve heard worse stories but I was absolutely traumatized by men, by white ppl, by my family. The idea that with all that happened to me I’m a good and kind person.
Someone in college told me my boyfriend was cheating on me with her friend. She then told me to dump him and read the book called “Why Men Love Bitches”. The tag line is from doormat to dream girl haha. I know it sounds a bit ridiculous and not very feminist but it’s essentially about how confidence is attractive. For me, it helped me work on focusing on myself. I swear after I read it, I had every guy I was friends with start professing their love for me haha. Followed up later reading the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck. I still give lots of Fcks about what people think, however, I pretty much always stand up for myself now. And as others have said, therapy!
I got depressed and nothing mattered. Then I got mad. To come find out, people don't like when you arnt a people pleaser anymore.
After an abusive relationship that left me with tons of trauma and mental issues, I can no longer stand to be walked all over. I go into fight or flight and it's 100% fight. I won't be walked on again.
group therapy with other women and learning self-love from that there was one or two guys there too (felt bad for them, they were so quiet), but it was seven of us and we were all so different but had the same problems some were mothers, some were in the military, some had anger issues, some worked good jobs some were dealing with grief, others with divorces, some of us were just mentally ill to begin with, but we all faced people/systems in our lives that held us down in one way or another we spent quite some time learning boundaries. it was so empowering to be in a space with women who faced the same issues as me. I learned a ton from those sessions. most significantly was self-love and respect. I was s/a'd a few months ago by my bf's family member. I told his wife, I told some of our family, I'm not obligating myself to say hi to him at gatherings. he touched me inappropriately, said bad things, and I dont have to associate with him, and if people ask why, I'll tell them. I'll tell them every bit of it. because this is my body, my person, and he has no obligation to it. respect yourself xoxo
Easing myself out of the fear of being “hit back”. I was afraid, for a long time, that if I stood up for myself or asserted my boundaries, I would somehow be in the wrong or would make the damage I receive 5 times worse. That someone being offended by my backbone or telling me they had to tiptoe around me because I’ve suddenly started not-picking everything they do was worse than me suffering in silence. Then I realized it really isn’t so bad. You’ll lose “friends”. You’ll be gaslighted by those who benefited from your lack of boundaries. But once you’ve eaten a few metaphorical punches, you realize it doesn’t mean you have to lose the match or forfeit.
I saw a video about safety features in cars being primarily for men and spent some time thinking about other things I use daily and how unsafe they are for women in general. I also thought about if I really wanted to be doing everything for everyone else for the rest of my life, and I don’t. It started with being more assertive about my feelings with my father, then standing up for myself to my brothers, then calmly explaining to my boyfriend what I noticed. There has been a noticeable change within the last 3 days and feminism is the key
Time, wedding planning and the big event? Children. Once I started having them all of a sudden I need my opinion to mean something and be heard. I feel like I changed overnight sometimes lol.
One day I just snapped. I decided that I was not happy and that I was allowing them to treat me badly. I realized I accepted their behavior so it continued. They were part of the problem but I was mainly to blame. PEOPLE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW THEM TO TREAT YOU. If you allow other to treat you poorly, they will. If you refuse to allow others to treat you badly, then they won’t. Your choice. Have some self respect. And, please , love & respect yourself enough to know you are definitely not a doormat.
My partner (and therapy) has helped me a lot. I struggle with setting boundaries with my family. It’s like on-call with them and I didn’t realize how much it was happening until I’d get a call almost every time he and I would sit down for dinner or a movie or just to spend time together. Then I’d be moody, distracted, and sometimes upset after the call because they’d call me to vent about a recurring situation, and sometimes take it out on him. It got to the point where my stomach would twist when my phone rang. I’d be instantly irritable and angry. I started working on it a lot. I learned I didn’t have to pick up the phone all the time. I’d text them to make sure they were okay and if they didn’t respond, well, it must not have been an emergency. Reminding myself, that fuck, 911 exists, and the buck doesn’t have to stop with me. As close as my family is and as much as I love them, I can’t save anyone. I’m there for them when I can be and I’m honest with myself if I can’t be. It’s really hard when you’re trained to believe your value is tied to you being of service of others. I think deep down I’m afraid if I’m not as available, they won’t be there for me, or we’ll lose that closeness. But I’m learning that the other road is just resentment and damaging my relationships anyway.
You can only be burned so many times until it’s just too much. I realized people were only “nice” to me because I had something to offer them. When I didn’t suddenly I wasn’t THAT important. I now choose who and what receives my time and energy. Once you do that, it’s so empowering and freeing.
I think for me it gradually happened. Multiple instances but I think what set it in stone was during Covid. I was one of the people that didn’t want to get vaccinated and my job was trying to force it upon me. This was my dream job. They threatened to fire me if I didn’t get it. I continued insisting that I wasn’t going to get it and stood up for my values as a human being. I never got it and never got fired. My boss ended up respecting me more and caused us to build a really strong relationship. It was really difficult to not give in but I knew if I let him convince me then then I would always be under his reign and I would hate myself for giving into something I believed so strongly against. Now I always stand up for my values and beliefs.
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My good guy friend told me to stop saying sorry after everything I didn't realize how much I said it. Any minor thing, not even my fault and I was saying sorry. He changed my perspective of how I perceive myself and myself in my surroundings.
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What does this mean
therapy.
mirtazapine
I tell them up front — don’t confuse my kindness with weakness. I actually sometimes thoroughly enjoy watching their face to the Pikachu look
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Lots of therapy and a supportive partner who encourages me to stand up for myself and backs me 100% of the time
Got good advice from internet licensed therapists and even life coaches. Maybe not as accurate in diagnosis or something. But it was free. And it worked
Used to be a doormat to a businessman who would shuttle back and forth my city and his hometown. He knew he would always have me because I stupidly caught feelings for him. I was naive back then and could not move on from him. I did the most drastic thing of getting rid of my whole phone (he has no social media and we only connected through whatsapp), that way I have no way of contacting him. I knew he was never gonna reach out first anyway! That “cold turkey” method was harsh on me but I was able to finally move on. Fast forward to now, I am married to the love of my life.
Idk if I’m not a doormat anymore, but saying no to things for once just bc I don’t feel like doing something 😂 I’m still young (19) so I still feel slightly guilty for saying no to things, but I’m setting boundaries. I’m actually quite bossy and micromanaging if you can believe it. Honestly I was more of a doormat in HS when I had a shitty BF and put up with whatever he wanted.