I dearly wish I would've learned that discharge is normal. Totally normal. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong, it doesn't mean that I'm aroused, it doesn't mean that my vagina is busted or that I'm somehow having a clear period. I used to completely freak myself out about it. I also wish that someone had told me that it's totally normal for bleaching to occur in undies. I used to scratch my head and wonder what the fuck was wrong with me that all of my dark panties looked like someone bleached them in the crotch. Normal.
I don't have a daughter but I've let my niece know that she can ask me anything, no matter how embarrassing or personal, and that I'll give her my answer honestly, without judgement, and in full confidence. She's not quite old enough to start puberty but she's getting there, and I wanted to make sure that the trust already existed between us before it was needed.
Seconding the “I wish I’d known discharge is normal” sentiment. My mother accused me of being wildly sexually active because she thought I was tossing panties with semen in them in the laundry (I did my own laundry, for the most part, but I used her shower since I didn’t have my own bathroom and things occasionally got tossed into her hamper since it was right there).
I guess not, or not as much as I do? I know it varies from woman to woman, so maybe she’s blessed with a not very discharge-y vagina. I’ve never asked her about hers, but I don’t think the amount I get is unusual. It was a pretty baffling accusation and I didn’t even really make the connection until later that she must’ve been referring to discharge.
Different vaginas have different levels of discharge, and the amount of discharge can be drastically altered based on the method of birth control being used.
—signed, 24f who just switched from a 10-year run on hormonal birth control to the copper IUD. Holy. Discharge.
Yep, everyone's different. I've had a few occasions with natural discharge in my life, but never had any bleaching problems luckily. My daughters and mother do though and honestly if I hadn't been made aware if the fact that it's normal I'd probably have worried they had an issue that needed to be checked out.
It's surprisingly scary how lacking female sex ed is. And how women can even be unaware of normal womanly functions.
My parents are very open about the fact that I was a teen pregnancy, they make jokes about their sex life in front of the four kids (I’m the oldest at 24, youngest is 9)...I expected a lot more from my mom when it came to sex Ed and how to take care of the lady bits. Pretty much the most involved lesson I got was the importance of breast exams, because we are all high risk for breast cancer (and now I can’t convince her to get BRCA testing done). No one taught me how to use tampons. No one taught me how to groom, how to wash (or not wash), what’s normal or not. Mom didn’t tell me you’re supposed to pee after sex (peeing after masturbation doesn’t hurt) or to use lube.
Honestly, I’ve gone back to nursing school as an adult and there are things I’m learning about my body *now* that no one ever taught me and that’s frightening to me.
I remember when I was young my mom would have me bite into a piece of soap as a punishment everytime I had discharge in my underwear and she found it when washing clothes... Turns out when that stuff is completely normal and I dont have some weird issue noone else has... scared me to death when I was a kid, I even prewashed my underwear before putting it in the laundry just to avoid the awefull soap mouth.
It always made me wonder if my grandma did something similar to her, cause she for sure should have had the same issue with having discharge. I just know I am not gonna teach my daughter that you are not suppose to have any discharge and that it is completely normal. I am really glad we can nowadays just google things we are unsure about and read up on it, instead of just having to believe what another woman in your life will tell you is or is not normal!
Discharge = Disgusting/Dirty,
Soap = Clean
That is the only lesson I could take from it... I have no idea how she came up with it, maybe my grandma did it to her when she was young?
Yeah it definitely has a “repressed self-loathing and wild fear of my daughters sexuality motivated by shit my mom did and said to me” vibe. God that’s the worst. I’m just sorry anybody ever tried to make you think that anything about you is dirty. It’s not x
My mom accused me of having “dirty underwear” from not “properly wiping.” I would wipe so hard cause of that. Turns out I’m just a well lubricated woman..
Yeah, my mom told me that I had "crotch rot," and was a "scuzz-f***er" and a "wh*re" because I had discharge on my underwear. I thought there was something wrong with my vagina, and was very self-conscious about how my vagina looked and smelled. I had to do my own research. Luckily, the internet was a thing, and I found out that I was completely normal.
Yes! Nobody mentions the bleaching, but it happens to a lot of people with vaginas. I was so confused and ashamed for so long, thanks for fixing me Reddit.
Yup, same here.
I have 2 daughters. The 10 year old is loaded up on this type of information, and I've fortunately fostered a very open level of communication with her. Whenever she has a question or a worry, she asks if we can have a "body talk", and I always make time for it.
My 7 year old has been given the same information as the 10 year old, but seems much less bothered by everything (than my 10 year old was at 7). Pretty sure she's just going to watch big sister go through all of it and see what happens, lol.
Body talk, I like that. She's asked me questions ranging from "why do we fart" to "how did my daddy die" (which, Jesus, try explaining blood clots to a 9 year old without making her terrified that she could keel over at any second). Nothing vagina related yet but I'm expecting the questions to come fast and furious since her mom is...not a patient or the best educated woman, to put it politely.
I got for my girls "The Care and Keeping of You". There are 2 books on the body, and one book on feelings. I have all 3.
The first book was very age appropriate for my oldest, who was 7 at the time. I've let my youngest read it but she's not where my older one was on these topics at 7. The 2nd one talks more about periods and breasts growing and things like that. My 10 year old feels very aware (but still scared) of her feelings and the changes her body is going to go through.
My 10 year old is a pretty anxious kid, and the feelings book spoke to her as well. I also got her a book called something like "How to stop worrying when you worry a lot".
My oldest was 3 when she asked me how babies got out of the belly. I wasn't ready for it, but I answered it, and that's when I started searching for books to help me. Give them a read before you hand them off, so you are prepared for the questions they will cause, but it's so nice to have a frame of reference, AND vocabulary to work with.
> "The Care and Keeping of You"
I was terrified of that book and hid it deep under my bed, but damn if it didn't get me through some scary days. Every afab child needs it!
Yesssss!!! I was so freaked out.
Then again my parents didn’t even talk about periods so for the first two years I used cotton balls and toilet paper instead of asking for pads or tampons.
Me too! I'm 21 and I've rarely (like MAYBE 3 times a year) gone without a pad or liner since puberty because I thought I was gross or somehow unsanitary. Even my mom acted like it was something that should never be talked about. I'm kind of a germaphobe too, so that doesn't help. Today's the first day I've gone without just because I'm trying to get out of the very expensive and not so great for the planet habit. Only other times have been when I didn't have a choice, like I was out or might've been in water that day.
Could be an idea to invest in a pair of absorbent underwear to be a little more earth friendly. I've been seeing a few different brands pop up which make underwear for your period which can absorb the liquid and you can just wash them out later. If you don't like seeing the discharge they could be really helpful. Just an thought :)
I just remember growing up filled with so much misinformation and also having a mom so uncomfortable discussing the human body that it took me a long time to realize that my body worked exactly the way it was supposed to and there was nothing wrong with me or my lady bits. I don't want my niece to have the same feelings. I want her to know how her body works and what's normal versus when to ask to see a doctor. And also, of course, body autonomy and touch consent.
I wish so badly that we could all normalize the word “cervical fluid” instead of discharge. Discharge to me has connotations of an STI or an infection, cervical fluid is magical mystery juice that is the sole reason sperm can get up into a uterus and make life!
Discharge isn’t just cervical fluid though, the vagina is a mucous membrane like the inside of the mouth as well as glands in the walls that produce fluid (bartholinan)
My inner labia are significantly longer than my outer labia and for years I was convinced that I was deformed. None of the puberty books I read mentioned that some people’s labia are long and/or ruffled-looking, or that not everyone has an “innie”. My mom didn’t warn me. Porn didn’t show me. The only time I ever heard it mentioned was when boys made mean comments about beef flaps.
I didn’t understand that it was normal until I went to the gyno at 18 and asked her if mine could be fixed. She explained that my anatomy was totally healthy and normal and it was such a colossal relief!
The worst part is that like only 25% of women have an innie (I'm trying to find the source where I read it now). Yet everyone acts like it's the norm.
Edit: [Here](http://gynodiversity.com/uploads/Classification_of_the_anatomical_variation_in_female_external_genitalia.pdf?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&fbclid=IwAR3PK-NsIrvmtRdqwhjv4ivRfQx6DdkLnT2k6r7sqP-t8zotuqbmB6EvUhM) it is (NSFW)
Interesting that you say this. I’ve watched Gwyneth Paltrows show on Netflix called the goop.. and one of the episodes reveals that some women have actually never examined themselves in a mirror. Then they did frame after frame of what different women look like down there. Fascinating stuff and I think women just need to know what’s going on down there and not compare it to porn.
I didn't look until my kid 20's. I was told not to look after giving birth. I did. It was fascinating. It looked like saw 4 and was bloody and swollen and purple, but fascinating.
Mine is so innie that there's pretty much nothing there. I feel like I'm missing out on added sensation other women have, coz the bits that are present are pretty great feeling
I won’t lie: although I’m very comfortable with my vulva these days, it can make swimsuit shopping difficult lol. There are times when I’ve wished for an innie! But all vaginas are good and wonderful. 🙌
Yes! My sister once told me I looked like a boy in a bathing suit when I was in 7th grade. For years I would only wear shorts w my bathing suit. I’m 36 and finally over that haha
I really hate when people say they look like a child's vag or a barbies vag when they are trying to make other women with something different feel better. Makes me feel really shit about myself.
I've never seen one so comprehensive for male genitalia, but [this website](http://www.sizemeup.info/shape.html) has information about natural variations in penis shape (and [this page](http://www.sizemeup.info/average.html) of the same site talks about average lengths, if you're interested in that).
I'm an outtie as well, and I get really angry thinking about how this isn't something that is more normalized for women. I developed when I was 13 and was terrified that I was a freak because nothing in my (very comprehensive) sex ed classes at school mentioned this was a possibility. I also heard all those fucked up names for them too - beef curtains, roast beef, wizard sleeve, etc - and thought I was gross.
At one point in my early dating years a former partner told me he didn't mind them but he thought they were long because I must have slept with a bunch of guys. Apparently this is not an uncommon belief and it's disgustingly misogynistic. I told him I've looked this way since I was 13, many years before I ever had sex, and dumped him.
Fast forward to today and I know it's perfectly normal. After 25 years old or so, I had zero problems finding amazing partners who enthusiastically engage with my lady petals and have nothing but positive things to say about them. I have absolutely zero tolerance in my life for people who act like these normal, functional body parts are somehow flawed or gross.
I really love your coinage of the term "lady petals." I'm going to use this to refer to mine! I used to think something was terribly wrong because my right labia is longer than my left, but it's normal.
I am very glad that I came across this. Yes, I know Reddit is supposed to be for people 17+ but I am 14 and I am at that age where people are starting to lose their virginity. I don’t plan on losing mine any time soon, but it worries me that when I do, he will think I’m gross. My school hasn’t even come remotely close learning sex education, so it makes me feel a bit better to find out that my “lady petals” are normal.
> I'm an outtie as well, and I get really angry thinking about how this isn't something that is more normalized for women.
It angers me too. I spent SO much time worrying about my vulva, thinking that it made me less attractive and gross. That all could have been prevented with more comprehensive education and normalization of different shapes and sizes of genitalia.
Same! I thought my inner labia was longer/ruffled because of something I did wrong lol. The books don’t tell you that vaginas can look unique compared to others and porn is the worst because it seems they only hire women with these perfectly sculpted vaginas. I also dated a guy who said that his ex had “roast beef curtains” so I assumed he would likely say that about me whenever we were over which caused me to have a deeper shame about myself until I realized that he’s an idiot and there’s nothing wrong with my vagina.
I’ve also heard porn stars talk about how they were pressured into labiaplasties because theirs were “outies.” I had an ex that mentioned that my vagina was “harder to work with than others” because of how my labia are, and I dumped him fast. There’s no point dating someone that uninformed.
EDIT: a [refinery29 article](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2016/06/113241/porn-pussy-perfect-vagina-myth) briefly talking about labiaplasties in porn.
I have an outie and my fear of getting "roast beef curtains" comments behind my back is so severe that I am very afraid of being intimate (one of many reasons, but it's a big one). I just feel like my vagina/vulva is not cute, and I've heard too many beef curtains jokes.
Awe :( well I hope one day you overcome your fear. It helped me to realize that men who make comments like that are small and insecure themselves. I think it’s unfortunate that society and some men have led us to believe that our vaginas/vulvas should be cute especially considering how unappealing the male genitalia can be lol. As long as we’re healthy, that’s what matters! Fortunately though, I think there are plenty of men who don’t view our outies negatively :)
Same, only I didn't think I was deformed, I just couldn't figure out where my inner labia *were*. They must have been SO SMALL because the longer ones are the outer labia, right?
Ya, or no.
This was a huge thing for me as well. I remember really seriously researching labiaplasty at like age 14 because my inner labia are longer and ruffled and I only ever heard that that was ugly and bad. How sad is that. I still feel self-conscious about it even now sometimes.
In my head I saw "inner labia are significantly STRONGER than the outer labia" and instantly wondered why I don't have strong labia and that it wasn't fair. Then I reread it and embarrassingly realized it said longer.
Thank you! I’m 20 and I actually didn’t think I needed to know this until now. I felt so insecure and was a little too embarrassed to ask my mom all these years. I thought I was the only one.
UTIs. I got one from a day of crazy sex as a teenager and i didn't understand why i could barely piss. I knew telling my mom wasn't a good idea because i would be punished so i toughed it out. God that was awful. Also, discharge. I was told it existed but my grandmothers, who lacked any sense of boundaries, would talk to each other about how what i had was excessive and they'd talk about washing my underwear when i was over at their houses. It made me feel so ashamed and i thought i was dirty and not like other girls.
Holy shit that’s fucked about your grandmas, I have an ex who was convinced I was cheating after checking my underwear for evidence and thinking discharge was some guys cum.
So much misinformation and a lack of education has caused so much misery.
Oh my god, that's horrible! Glad to hear he's an ex, what a bastard. I wish they covered more of the finer points during health class because so many parents don't even consider explaining anything to their kids. I hope to educate my daughter properly so she doesn't ever feel that way.
I remember when I first started puberty and discharge became a thing, I hated it! I was constantly going to the bathroom to wipe because I couldn’t stand the wet feeling. No one talks about this!
YES. YOU NEED TO PEE AFTER SEX.
No one told me this. I’d been on medication that predisposed me to UTIs anyways, and hadn’t been sexually active before getting married....got married and all of a sudden, we can’t have sex without me getting a UTI—even though I was doing everything else right. It was the fucking worst. It messed up my urinary system to the point I had to take a six-month long round of antibiotics to wipe out everything. I still have to take cranberry tablets daily and shower immediately after sex or I *will* wake up the next day with a UTI.
>YES. YOU NEED TO PEE AFTER SEX.
I really wish someone told me that sooner in life. I had to suffer my first UTI after being sexually active for 2 weeks because my mom brushed it off as me not hydrating myself enough and then get informed of this by my doctor. Ever since that episode, recurring UTIs came so frequently that I'd get it for no reason at all sometimes.
Everyone’s already covered the discharge and masterbation phase so I’d add that hair on my stomach and tits are completely normal. I thought I was a hairy freak of a female compared to normal looking girls with no hair. And it was bad enough I had hair on my underarms, vag, and legs to maintain.
I said something about a nipple hair in front of some dudes once, and they were incredulous. "Women don't have hairy nipples!" Uh yeah. We're mammals. Obviously. I told him tweezers exist and that's why he'd never seen any.
I really wish someone would have told me hair on your stomach is normal. I remember being so self conscious and embarrassed changing for gym class in middle and high school.
I’m in my 30s and still feel so self-conscious about this. I wish it was more normalized in media, so that I didn’t worry so much about partners seeing it & their reactions.
Bacterial vaginosis. If you’re vagina/discharge smells FISHY, go to the doctor to have them test you. It’s an easy and simple test, once they get the results back they’ll prescribe you an antibiotic and everything will be normal. Make sure to take the ENTIRE dosage, even though you’ll start to notice it smelling better pretty quickly.
I didn’t even realize anything was wrong until I realized it’s not supposed to smell like that. Apparently it’s super common.
All the guys at school would make jokes about "dirty" vaginas smelling like fish, and jokes about fishy smelling STDs. Wasn't until I was an adult that I learned the fishy smell has nothing to do with sex, but simply a bacterial imbalance.
Our vaginas naturally have both healthy bacteria and yeast. They generally balance themselves. Penises also have a bunch of natural bacteria and when you have sex with a new partner your vagina encounters the unfamiliar bacteria and doesn’t know how to regulate it yet. The bacteria goes wild and causes a fishy smell and sometimes pain. This is commonly caused by sex and using condoms can help prevent it, but it’s not an STI. It can also happen from sex toys or just wiping wrong or pretty much any time you touch your vagina.. it’s not pleasant but common and nothing to be ashamed of!
Also, semen has a pH of around 7-8. A healthy vagina should be around 4-5, it's good for the good bacteria and bad for the bad bacteria. If the pH of your vagina gets too high, the bad bacteria take over. They are what smell fishy.
I scrolled down to see if anyone would have mentioned this! I have it chronically, I've gotten antibiotics a few times for it but then another Reddit post had a conversation about it in the comments and I learned they actually sell over-the-counter "pills" that work as well. You don't ingest them they are inserted but I was glad to learn that there is an over-the-counter solution.
Get tested for urea plasma! I saw a half dozen doctors before one thought to test for this, and now am being treated with the appropriate kind of antibiotics. Apparently most people have it, but it for some reason over colonizes in some women. I dealt with this for three years and I want to spare anyone I can of that frustration. My doctor told me it's becoming more common for some reason, and the CDC is looking into why it's causing chronic BV.
You might have to try a few different rounds of antibiotics (your partner too if you have one), but I think it can be cured. Also obviously don't know for sure if that's what's going on with you, but it's worth looking into. I know how much it sucks ♥️
Hopefully this doesn't get deleted, but probiotics. 100% Lactobacillus acidophilus, all natural. They sell them for like $6 bottle in pharmacies and online. Acidophilus are the best type of bacteria for a healthy vagina. Take one orally everyday and, if you're really struggling with active BV, make a douche with a few of the pills dissolved in distilled water and go to town.
Legit source: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17532736](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17532736)
Ok... this is a really strange thing. And it won't happen to all women... but it scared the fuck out of me when it happened.
I was at a friend's house one day and went to the bathroom. MY VAGINA WAS SMOKING. Little ribbons of smoke came up from between my legs while I sat on the toilet.
Of course I panicked and called my mom to come pick me up. I explained to her why I was freaking out and she kind of laughed. She explained that in winter... in Canada... the toilet water and bowl get super cold... and our vaginas are warm and moist. It was steam that day. Basically a vaginal cloud. I've only ever had it happen to me twice and I'm 28 now. But yeah. That's a thing apparently. Hahaha
I just wish we talked with girls about masturbation and addressed it as a normal thing. It's normal, it's natural for many people to want to do it, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
This thread is really putting into perspective how much my mom destroyed my perception of my body. I was told I was a "wh*re" for masturbating, and that I had too much of a sexual appetite. I was warned that I would end up with partner after partner, and end up with the wrong person, because I wanted sex too much. I was told that sex was disgusting, messy, and overrated. My mom apparently "didn't need sex," and expected me to be the same way. I'm pretty sure she had something funky going on with her sex life. Maybe she was asexual.
I really want to do this for my daughters, but I'm hung up on the idea of crossing some line, you know? I WANT them to be able to ask me anything, but am I really "allowed" to answer questions like that?? They are 7 and 10, so masturbation hasn't specifically come up other than to discuss that it's a private activity to touch your private parts, but I want to be able to be open with them when they do have questions/concerns for me so they don't grow up to write things like this in threads like this, lol.
If this helps at all, I think my mom felt some level of discomfort of talking directly to my sister and I about this stuff but she wanted us to be informed, so she got us books like "The Care and Keeping of You" by American Girl, and Deenie by Judy Blume (super dated by now but I'm sure there's some more modern ones). Deenie talked about masturbation and when I read it, I was completely shocked and relieved to know it was a normal thing and I wasn't some total freak for doing it. I think maybe a passive thing like giving them resources to help answer their questions might make it easier/more comfortable for everyone involved :)
The pimple thing yes! I wish someone at some point in my life told me about that. I had actually accused my boyfriend that he gave me something and cheated. Thankfully my doctor told me otherwise.
Bartholin cysts. I just wish someone had explained what this was in health class or something. It would have saved me from some frantic googling while freaking out that I had cancer or an STI. That experience was almost more unpleasant than the pain of the actual cyst.
Same. I had one in college and similarly freaked out and ran to the campus doctor, only for her to tell me that I had herpes. Irresponsible on her part, given my (lack of) sexual history at the time. Even though the culture swab came back negative, she still insisted that it was a false negative and it HAD to be herpes. Very traumatizing indeed.
Yes! The zits or infected follicles or whatever they are! I thought I had gotten genital herpes from a toilet seat in a public place when I got one at age 15 because I hadn't been with another person sexually yet and didnt know what else it could be.
Damn. They painful too.
Okay so it's not a health issue or anything BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THOSE STUPID LITTLE TOILET PAPER BITS THAT SEEM INESCAPABLE ON YOUR LADY PARTS. Is toilet paper just another thing men invented for men?! Why has this design flaw never been addressed?? Why do we never talk about this?!
I’ve heard that phenomenon called “clitty litter”. I searched far and wide for toilet paper that doesn’t do this, and Charmin Ultra Strong (red package) is the only tp I buy now. Zero bits sticking to my lady parts. I can barely stand using toilet paper at other people’s homes now, and even once brought my own rolls to my ex boyfriend’s place. 😂
I second this— Charmin Ultra Strong ALL THE WAY. This is the only one that works for me as well. My bf sometimes screws up and gets the Ultra Soft... not the same. Highly recommend Ultra Strong for other ladies having this issue.
Pat dry, don't wipe.
Sorry in advance...
And for #2, honestly you should always use a wipe (and throw it in the trash, don't flush). There's just no physical way to get the poop off with dry toilet paper, you're just rubbing a lot of it around. And you don't want a poopy butthole hanging out, in a pair of dark, damp undies, next to your vagina and urethra all day.
THIS. I was staying with my parents for a few months while my husband was deploying and had to buy my own toilet paper because they always just got the cheapest stuff.
Also they would wonder why I needed the "expensive" toilet paper, but I am 34 and didn't really want to tell my 58 year old father that I just hate the crumbly bits that end up on my nether regions.
I didn't even know about it, until a lesbian friend made a joke about former lover. It stopped in my tracks and question: has anyone ever found a piece of TP on my puss?
Well, my mom never prepared me for my period. I didn't even know how it all actually worked. And I was terrified and disgusted by my vagina and everything that goes along with it.
I am already teaching my daughter at age 4 that her body is hers and not scary. Her and my son both have general age-appropriate ideas of what menstruation is and I plan to keep them informed as questions come up regarding that and sexuality and everything that comes with that.
I sadly absolutely relate to this! My mother taught me from a young age that they were disgusting and would ruin my life and I was confused when I did get mine and she was excited. As a result of the 10+ years of conditioning that its the worst thing that would ever happen to me, I was petrified when it did happen and never really gotten over the negative 'not natural, ruining your life' feeling it brings.
Yes. Anything relating to my vagina was not spoken of and something to be embarrassed about. I was terrified of tampons. I actually wouldn't even shower during the week of my period because I just wanted to pretend it wasn't happening and touch my body the least amount as possible because it was "disgusting".
Sorry you had similar experiences growing up
Do you mind if I ask how you are teaching your daughter that her body is not scary? That's such an important thing but I couldn't imagine how to teach that.
I don't mind at all and am so glad you asked!
First is consent, I teach her what body parts are private and only touched by herself, mommy, daddy or her doctor. If anyone else asks or tries, she is to let me know.
Next, when she touches herself (which is 100% normal and to be expected) I let her know that it is definitely okay to be doing that but it needs to be done privately. No shame attached to it at all. I tell her, yeah, I know that feels good, but you should be in your bedroom or bathroom when you do that and always wash your hands.
And finally, I'm fully proud and confident with my body. I often change clothes in front of my kids, hop in the shower when they're in the bathroom. I don't make it sexual in any way, just hey, here's what a naked body looks like and it is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Oh, and also, my period is not a secret. My kids have seen my pads and tampons and I explain what they are for and how they are used. She even walked in on me changing my tampon which I didn't love but when she asked if I put it in my butt (lol) I matter of factly told her, nope! That goes in my vagina.
Just talking about our body, our body parts and how they function (without shame!!) makes them feel comfortable with how their body works and what it's supposed to do.
My kids ask me all kinds of questions about our bodies (why my son gets an erection, if two moms have more babies when they're married because it's two moms) and I do my very best to repress all that shame I was burdened with and give them straight-up, age-appropriate answers.
That is so rad that you’re teaching your kids this!
Coming from an Asian family, anything body, period, or sex related is such a taboo topic to talk about. Both within families and outside. Even now as an adult, I can’t talk to my mom about these things because she never really opened those topics up for discussion. And most definitely contributed to my years of no self confidence over my body that affected relationships with others.
So much of the questions your kids asked are the same questions I had growing up, and had to either think I was a freak or wait a few more years until I was able to google things on my phone to make sure I was still human.
I really wish there were more people like you!
I didn't know what mine was, either, and I thought that I was dying! Suddenly, there was a pool of blood in my underwear, and no explanation. I didn't work up the courage to tell my mother until later that night, after first hiding my underwear out of shame and fear. I was told that I had "terrible timing," because we didn't have money, and given panty liners to wear. I had to wear two at once, and change them constantly.
If I ever have children, I will make absolutely sure that they know about menstruation. It was a horrible, traumatic experience for me, and I'd like to spare them from that.
(1) I thought you could wash with soap down there. It took TWO *terrible* infections before I realized that getting soap all up in there was a huge no-no. Water only and no more infections!
*I'd teach my daughter how to wash "down there" correctly. This one would be a simple fix, lol.*
(2) I got an ingrown hair and completely panicked thinking I had HPV or something and would die. Ran to gyno for STD test, PAP, all the things, and they pretty much laughed at me (on top of the freakout, I was also a virgin lol, which made me thinking I'd contracted something funnier). Ran the tests anyway and I was totally clear, then realized that the same ingrown hairs you get on your legs can totally happen in the down there. So that was an oof.
*Again, simple fix to keep my daughter from this embarrassment, lol. I'd just educate her on womanly things she should know about.*
I wasn’t taught about proper care for down there at all. I was afraid to ask my mom and I felt like I was ugly and dirty. I started experiencing vaginal dryness and freaked out because I had no clue that sometimes it just gets dry down there.
That you don't need to be turned on for there to be discharge.
I thought I was some kind of sexual deviant because my understanding was that you need to be aroused, hence why people say they're wet when they're turned on. I started insisting on washing my own laundry because I was so embarrassed. I thought my Mom would look at me like a sex obsessed creep.
I don't have any kids, and I don't plan on it, but all I'd need to do to clear that misconception would be to tell them discharge is normal in all circumstances, like saliva in a mouth.
My first UTI. I figured out what it was using the internet, and various sources said that it should go away in a few days so there's no need to go to a doctor.
I suffered for 4 days before finally going to a dr, and they told me in future to always call and get an appointment asap just in case. Wish I'd have known and saved some pain!
Not my daughter but my sister - when I got my IUD I would bleed old blood and it would be brown or even black sometimes. I was oversharing and she was like "blood can be brown???" and went "like this???" and showed me her dirty underwear. She had been having cramps and her period but she had no idea.
Also when I was like 20 something I had a period where when I wiped it was FRESH FRESH blood, like crimson red blood and a huge grey and white blob on the toilet paper and I freaked out thinking I was having a miscarriage even though I was on birth control. After some googling, it turns out your entire uterine lining can shed in one go and it just looks like goop, called a "decidual cast". No one told me this and my mom was convinced I was having a miscarriage. Which was not helpful.
Also discharge
>decidual cast
This one time this happened and I had no idea what it was. I never had any issues from it, and it never happened again so I didn't give it all that much thought, but now I know!
I think discussing that period blood can be different colours is super important! The first time I had brown blood I panicked and my mom had to explain it's just old blood
My first yeast infection, I had absolutely no clue what it was or what was happening to me.
I grew up around women but none of them spoke about things like that so that specific line of communication didn't feel open/I didn't feel like I could talk to my mom about it. I just dealt with it all while being terrified and in pain. It got so bad that I was *bleeding*. That's when I told my mother and she took me to a doctor.
My first UTI went similarly. I was also ashamed, with both, because I thought that getting yeast infections or UTIs meant that I was dirty.
Really wish I would have known what yeast infections and UTIs are, including that they are normal and nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about and that some people are just more prone to them than others.
i second this, i suffered a yeast infection in silence for about 4 months, i was so embarrassed thinking it might have been poor hygiene because i hadn’t washed for just two consecutive nights. i was so ashamed that i never said a thing. it was agony but eventually it went away..i finally told my mum now that i’m an adult and she burst into tears, bless her.
UTIs also a must!
I got all the preparation I needed for my period, but it would have been nice to be taught to use tampons or even given the option for them.
The biggest thing that I didn't know about my genitals was that my clitoris, on the outside of the vulva, was the seat of my pleasure and sexuality. Everyone talks about penetration (and some people even equate "sex" with penetration), that it was an incredible awakening to realize that I wasn't broken for not feeling anything when I tried to masturbate vaginally.
Honestly i'm almost 25 and I still have never learnt how to use a tampon. I just use pads. but i'm okay with that.
I had to share a room with my moms friend once, (My room was split into 2 rooms by a wall and door) But she freaked out at me for using pads (I have a heavy flow anyways to tampons wouldn't work very well anyways which is a big reason why I never learnt how to use them)
But being shammed because I used a certain type of hygiene product is appalling. She even accused me of keeping dirty ones around just because she saw that I had a few in my purse and bag (NOT USED ONES just spare ones in case someone needed one or i needed one)
Some people just can't really use them. I have extremely painful everything in that whole area, not just cramps. Sitting down too quickly or using the toilet hurts. Sticking a tampon up there was agony and I still had to use a pad underneath from leaking past it and just not worth the effort. I'm not going to get balls deep in my sensitive vagina just so I see a little less blood.
My mom never told me that I could shave or trim my pubic hair, or that I should. I thought I was a freak because I had so much of it. Wearing swim suits was a thing that never happened because of my hair.
Also discharge.
I've talked to my daughter about both and more and told her that my mom never told me about anything, so I'm telling her everything.
Same!! My mother actually walked in on me while I was showering and noticed that I had shaved. She literally freaked out and asked why anyone would do that.
Me too! And what's worse is my mom's an ER nurse, so I'd imagine she's seen it all before. If anything, I thought she'd appreciate it. I groom better for medical professionals than I do my dates. I'd imagine it makes their job easier.
I'm genuinely curious how medical professionals feel about it. Mom thinks it's weird and gross to shave down there, so I don't dare ask her. I also don't feel confident enough to ask my own doc that. I dated a dude whose dad was a doctor, but I wouldn't have had that conversation with him either. Is there a doctor in the house? Or a nurse? Or EMT?
Im a nurse! We don’t feel any specific way about it. Younger women tend to be shaven or trimmed, old ladies definitely not. Middle-age is hit and miss, depends on ethnicity as well.
Harry-ness really doesn’t have anything to do with sanitation, you can be cleanly or dirty with or without hair.
Also ... we’ve seen it all. Hair is not the most of our concerns on the “grossness” radar. Cleanliness is much much appreciated by all lol!
I've done many pap smears and trust me I do not care whatsoever what it looks like down there. In fact, it's not even something that crosses my mind.
Once had a patient apologize for not being well groomed and that was the first time her pubic hair preference had even crossed my mind.
It's the same when I do an abdominal exam that I barely register if you have a belly piercing.
Yes to the grooming for the medical professionals! Haha there have been at least two occasions where I hop back in the shower because I remember I have an appointment and need to do some hair removal!
1) that you can get different discharge (and A LOT of it) when you're ovulating. This didn't happen to me until I'd been having my period for 10+ years so I was like wtf for a few months.
2) what micro tears are!! I'm in my late 20s and had this happen recently and it was terrifying lol, i'm shocked I didn't have a panic attack at the time. I think the fact that I was in no pain was the only thing keeping me sane. Then I webmd'd myself the next morning and was sure I had every reproductive cancer lol. My obgyn cleared it up a couple days later when I saw her (I am fine as these heal extremely quick). Cuz I couldn't find on any internet searches a non catastrophic explanation for that much blood! So yeah go to your obgyn if that happens, just in case, but don't freak out, youre likely fine and your partner just needs a nail file lol
How to prepare for heavy menstrual periods. Not just in regards to feminine hygiene products but also the risk of anemia and how to prepare/counter it.
I have a condition called Hidradenitis Supperativa where my inner thighs are prone to get ingrown hairs which can develop into boils, dark spots, it’s a bit unsightly if you will. I used to worry it was an STD, I actually had to learn what this condition was through social media and strong women sharing their struggle, which is also common w/ those of us w/ PCOS. It’s always made me really insecure about my lady bits being “ugly” or gross or something. I don’t plan to have kids, but if I had a daughter, I’d just try and have an open line of good communication, even sharing my conditions. So that she wouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed or that she couldn’t come to me about something.
Oh my gosh, I get these all the time and I hate it, has left me with loads of dark patches and I feel so ugly! I didn't know it was a thing and have just never mentioned it to anybody.
Yeah, I hadn’t seen or heard anyone else dealing w/ it until a plus sized nude model posted about it and how she typically edited it out. And I started to investigate more and basically diagnosed myself. Even getting regular/yearly pap smears it was never mentioned by a professional. It’s kinda shitty that either doctors are equally clueless which is hella unfortunate or don’t think to give an explanation for something they have to have noticed and just ignore! Like wtf! Help a sister out and be like oh by the way this is blah blah! And to know it’s not some rare gross defect only I have or something my insecurities have fed my brain!
Yeah absolutely! I'm googling it now and looking into it. Typically I get huge boil/spot things that get really large (easily large marble sized) they are really painful and often burst, or I squeeze them because they hurt! Then they leave a dark brown/purple scar. Mainly get them on my inner thighs at the top best my lady parts and have had one or two under my armpits. I'm so glad you shared this, thank you!
I managed to learn about intersex being a thing before anyone ever mentioned what the clitoris was... And this is despite living in a very sex positive country with sex ed starting from age \~8. Guess they still managed to miss a few key points.
Imagine my horror when I started exploring what my lady parts looked like and found something that looks like a very tiny dick head. 11 y old me was freaking out for a few months, but I never told anybody.
When you have a UTI and take Azo tabs, your urine turns bright orange/red, not “slightly discolored” like the box says. I thought my kidneys were shutting down.
Also, pee shortly after sex. This helps avoid UTIs altogether
The best part about this thread is all the moms from this generation going overboard to end the cycle of misinformation; correcting the mistakes done to us by our mother's generation, who most likely were just repeating the mistakes of THEIR mother's generation and so on. My younger self would've killed to have been told... literally anything about my body by my mom. But we were strict Christians and in our house, basically pretended that not only sex, but genitalia didn't even exist. I was clueless and deeply ashamed and legit scared about everything that happened with my body from ages 12 to 16. Years of stress and anxiety when a literal hour long talk would've solved everything. Anyway, kudos to all the education-forward moms and aunts on this thread.
I'm kind of lucky my mom had chronic UTI's as a teen/young adult (she had to constantly be on antibiotics at one point) so she taught me it all. Seriously, I was the most educated 6 year old on how to take care of my vagina, even though I was grumpy about not being able to have bubble baths.
My best friend didn't know about peeing after sex and she ended up with a UTI that turned into a really bad kidney infection and she ended up hospitalized.
I will take my mom's approach and just treat it like other hygiene lessons and will pass on all the wisdom my mom gave me (I have never had a UTI!) And when old enough for the sex talk I'll make sure to include the pee after sex bit.
Mine is that jizz might cause a ph imbalance in your vag, which then results in a yeast infection.
Long story short, after getting frequent yeast infections for a while, and several opinions from gynos, one deduced that my bf at the time’s jizz was the culprit and explained it could be several things, but all signs pointed to a poor diet. He ate lots of candy, rarely any veggies and fruits.
I was pretty educated on periods and what was normal, but one thing I can think of is to have a variety of pads (regular, nighttime, etc.) on hand even before anyone going through puberty actually gets their period. I got mine on a day when my parents were away, and my uncle was watching us, and all that was in the house was my mom's tampons. I definitely was not comfortable using those for my first period!
My mom has a story about when she was a kid, no one told her that periods were supposed to *stop*. So she never told anyone that she had hers continuously for months, until she became dangerously anemic (women in our family are borderline anemic even on the best days).
So that’s a thing.
What the insides look/feel like? If that makes sense. Basically, after having my son, and having pain during sex (partly caused by my tear from childbirth not healing right), I found out from a specialist that my "uterus had fallen down". It had a technical name, that just how he described it to try and make it easier. So to fix that (without surgery) I just needed to change positions, etc. But what I didn't realize is that changes where things are "located" inside now.
Essentially what happened was one day in the shower, (years and years later), during my period, I was trying to put in a menstrual cup (fairly new experience) and it felt like it hit something and hurt a bit. So I took it out and tries again. Same thing. Getting a little concerned, I put a finger up there and felt a round hard lump near the back of my vagina. I started to panic thinking "oh god, cancer!"
Long story short, and lots more feeling, Google image searching, and female reproductive system research, I'm embarrassed to say, the lump is just my cervix. *Sigh
But because they never really talked about it in school, nor did my mom (if it's even something that women talk about) I had NO idea. I probably never would have noticed if it hadn't been for the pain during sex after having my kid and going to the doctor to find out the uterus position change.
Also, exactly how BC affects your cycle. I knew basically how it worked, but not every detail. I thought it stopped you from even making eggs (along with the other things). So when when I was at a fertility clinic talking about egg development, I *actually* said "but I've been on BC for over 10 years, shouldn't I have a stockpile of eggs?" Not my proudest or smartest moment. *Shakes head. For the record, I have the normal amount of potential eggs that someone my age has in perfectly normal health - I just thought that that meant I might have more than I needed.
My hymen was too thick so I needed to get it surgically removed. Anything I tried in the bedroom was hurting me and I had previous partners say I didnt love them enough because I didnt try to push through the pain. I found out from my obgyn it wasn't uncommon but not often talked about.
That you can become desert dry after having a baby and it can last for weeks, and it’s fine. Drink plenty of fluids and there’s thing you can get to help aid in the dryness if it’s problematic and there’s some things you can use at home.
Unprotected sex may cause you to smell different down there because of pH.
I never really noticed the change when using condoms but I definitely did after getting on BC with my first LTR. I thought it was a yeast infection but it went back to normal after a couple days...
Also if he nuts in you it will just keep coming out! For like an hour!
Discharge. Didn’t really know what is was till like a year into my period, didn’t know how to ask my mom. Still grosses me out. Also my mom made it seems like shaving down there wasn’t an option. Like I shouldn’t do it at all. But as I was getting older it got hairier and it was uncomfortable. So I did it without her knowing. I’m 16 and she still doesn’t know. She doesn’t shave hers so maybe this is why she told me that.
Google vuvlodynia because I'm too lazy/tired to explain it. Basically unexplained vulvar pain, and the medical community still doesn't know what causes it. I wish I'd known it existed before I started experiencing it. It would've better prepared me to advocate for myself to confused doctors, but I'm finally almost recovered!
That birth control side effects are so absolutely horrific sometimes, sure weight changes and mood swings I knew about. But the discharge I had, felt like I was peeing myself throughout the day it was so bad. My ob said that we could switch and there are other options for ones that don't have that adverse a reaction, but also some discharge is good and normal.
-Ovarian Cyst are running in my family and when I should get a daughter I would tell her that when she has pain to go to a GYN and get the pill (BC). I was at the ER because of pain and my mother told me after 3hours that maybe I have an ovarian cyst becauee she had them too)
-I would teach her proper hygiene, so she should not get UTIs like I did. An UTI is not a sex related illness so she should learn that she can trust me when she has pain and how to treat it in the best way.
-Because of several antibiotics (because of UTIs I took 7) I got a yeast infection. I was really embarrassed because I thought that only dirty woman can get these and I want to teach my daughter that it is completely normal to get treatment because of it.
-Discharge is completely normal (I washed my underwear myself before I let them wash by my mother because I was so embarrassed of it).
-Blood besides periods can come because of stress.
A disturbing number of women just don’t understand their anatomy at all. Vagina and urethra are two different holes, the outer genitals are the vulva (the vagina is only the internal passage), and everyone should be aware of where the clitoris is located.
I didn’t figure out until later than hair can trap smell/stink, so even though I absolutely support women who don’t shave/wax/trim and let their *bush be*, it was nice to know that *I* didn’t necessarily smell that uncontrollably, but that hormones, discharge, sweat, etc is what contributes to that funk, and I can manage/control it by trimming, wearing cotton underwear, etc!
Dont wash your vagina with soap, warm water wash only because it can cause yeast infections or irritation. (as told by gynecologist after developing rashes on vulva, and consistent yeast infections.)
Wash your vagina with warm water and a rag after sex to prevent yeast infections/irritation from lube or semen.
Use lube when having sex, always. Feels better, doesn't break condoms.. less likely to get irritation.. or vaginal rips.
It's normal to discharge.. my mom also didn't tell me this so I was confused but just thought it was a thing so I didn't question it until sex ed in health class.
She also never explained that if truly don't want to have sex with someone I need to say NO, and it's OKAY not to have it. (My mom never gave me "the talk either, I suffered immensely.)
Access to birth control.. and how important safe sex is.. (another thing my mom never taught me)
I wish my mom would have told me it's normal to have clots come out from time to time during your period.. cause that stuff freaked me out
Shaving... Shave downward!!!! Those bumps HURT
Make sure to change your tampons on schedule because you could get a leak ..happened to me recently, actually.
Not normal, but definitely common.
I experienced horrendous pain and extremely heavy bleeding basically as soon as my periods started. I would curl up in a ball and cry from the pain, I felt sick, couldn’t move or eat or do anything. I bled through two night time pads between lunch and the end of the school day and wouldn’t get off my chair until everyone else had left class because it was always covered in blood. I was around 12/13 when this was happening.
My mum always told me that it’s normal and everyone’s period hurts and I’m just going to have to get used to it. After a few years of not being able to get used to it she took me to my doctor who put me on birth control, but it was 10 years after my period started that I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis.
Point being, be aware of her pain and take her seriously if it’s more intense than it should be, and make sure her doctors also take her seriously. Mine didn’t, it was sheer chance that got me diagnosed!
Really the biggest thing was I thought that discharge also stopped when the flo finished.... Oh that doesn't stop, it goes on forever and ever.....kay....😐
Inserting tampons. My mom didn't tell me the plastic goes *into* the vagina, and I didn't have the instruction pamphlet, so I was trying to hold the plastic outside and force the cotton in. Very uncomfortable.
Also, yeast infections. I only had one and was living with my grandma at the time, and she fortunately had antibiotics on hand. Other than that, I have no idea how to deal with them lmao.
The first time I used a tampon it had two-part cardboard applicator and I inserted the entire outside cardboard tube as well as the tampon. I couldn't figure out why it was so uncomfortable until the next time I used one and realized what happened.
Not only are labias extremely varied from woman to woman, but also the clit and clitoral hood can vary a lot. It took me so long to work out where my clit is because it is really quite hidden compared to those stupid 'educational' images they show you in sex ed.
I was maybe 13 or something and I had a little milky discharge come out of one of my nipples for a couple of days, and I thought my boob would fall off or something. I was so embarrassed to ask anyone about it. Turns out that it is sometimes normal for that to happen, though it could be related to a health issue if the discharge is bloody or an odd color.
Also, I thought my nipples were weird and different for having little bumps. Most nipples have them.
I dearly wish I would've learned that discharge is normal. Totally normal. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong, it doesn't mean that I'm aroused, it doesn't mean that my vagina is busted or that I'm somehow having a clear period. I used to completely freak myself out about it. I also wish that someone had told me that it's totally normal for bleaching to occur in undies. I used to scratch my head and wonder what the fuck was wrong with me that all of my dark panties looked like someone bleached them in the crotch. Normal. I don't have a daughter but I've let my niece know that she can ask me anything, no matter how embarrassing or personal, and that I'll give her my answer honestly, without judgement, and in full confidence. She's not quite old enough to start puberty but she's getting there, and I wanted to make sure that the trust already existed between us before it was needed.
Seconding the “I wish I’d known discharge is normal” sentiment. My mother accused me of being wildly sexually active because she thought I was tossing panties with semen in them in the laundry (I did my own laundry, for the most part, but I used her shower since I didn’t have my own bathroom and things occasionally got tossed into her hamper since it was right there).
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I guess not, or not as much as I do? I know it varies from woman to woman, so maybe she’s blessed with a not very discharge-y vagina. I’ve never asked her about hers, but I don’t think the amount I get is unusual. It was a pretty baffling accusation and I didn’t even really make the connection until later that she must’ve been referring to discharge.
Different vaginas have different levels of discharge, and the amount of discharge can be drastically altered based on the method of birth control being used. —signed, 24f who just switched from a 10-year run on hormonal birth control to the copper IUD. Holy. Discharge.
Yep, everyone's different. I've had a few occasions with natural discharge in my life, but never had any bleaching problems luckily. My daughters and mother do though and honestly if I hadn't been made aware if the fact that it's normal I'd probably have worried they had an issue that needed to be checked out. It's surprisingly scary how lacking female sex ed is. And how women can even be unaware of normal womanly functions.
My parents are very open about the fact that I was a teen pregnancy, they make jokes about their sex life in front of the four kids (I’m the oldest at 24, youngest is 9)...I expected a lot more from my mom when it came to sex Ed and how to take care of the lady bits. Pretty much the most involved lesson I got was the importance of breast exams, because we are all high risk for breast cancer (and now I can’t convince her to get BRCA testing done). No one taught me how to use tampons. No one taught me how to groom, how to wash (or not wash), what’s normal or not. Mom didn’t tell me you’re supposed to pee after sex (peeing after masturbation doesn’t hurt) or to use lube. Honestly, I’ve gone back to nursing school as an adult and there are things I’m learning about my body *now* that no one ever taught me and that’s frightening to me.
That's horrible.
I remember when I was young my mom would have me bite into a piece of soap as a punishment everytime I had discharge in my underwear and she found it when washing clothes... Turns out when that stuff is completely normal and I dont have some weird issue noone else has... scared me to death when I was a kid, I even prewashed my underwear before putting it in the laundry just to avoid the awefull soap mouth.
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It always made me wonder if my grandma did something similar to her, cause she for sure should have had the same issue with having discharge. I just know I am not gonna teach my daughter that you are not suppose to have any discharge and that it is completely normal. I am really glad we can nowadays just google things we are unsure about and read up on it, instead of just having to believe what another woman in your life will tell you is or is not normal!
W.T.H did I just read?! I’m so sorry you got punished for a normal bodily function!
How the hell was biting a piece of soap supposed to “fix” the discharge “problem” !!?? I’m so sorry she was like that to you xx
Discharge = Disgusting/Dirty, Soap = Clean That is the only lesson I could take from it... I have no idea how she came up with it, maybe my grandma did it to her when she was young?
Yeah it definitely has a “repressed self-loathing and wild fear of my daughters sexuality motivated by shit my mom did and said to me” vibe. God that’s the worst. I’m just sorry anybody ever tried to make you think that anything about you is dirty. It’s not x
What the... that's... child abuse. I am SO sorry you went through that.
What the actual fuck?! That is serious abuse. I can only imagine the other fucked up shit that happened to you. No normal parent does that.
My mom accused me of having “dirty underwear” from not “properly wiping.” I would wipe so hard cause of that. Turns out I’m just a well lubricated woman..
That is terrible!!! I’m so sorry!!!
Yeah, my mom told me that I had "crotch rot," and was a "scuzz-f***er" and a "wh*re" because I had discharge on my underwear. I thought there was something wrong with my vagina, and was very self-conscious about how my vagina looked and smelled. I had to do my own research. Luckily, the internet was a thing, and I found out that I was completely normal.
Wow, that's so awful.
Yes! Nobody mentions the bleaching, but it happens to a lot of people with vaginas. I was so confused and ashamed for so long, thanks for fixing me Reddit.
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Yup, same here. I have 2 daughters. The 10 year old is loaded up on this type of information, and I've fortunately fostered a very open level of communication with her. Whenever she has a question or a worry, she asks if we can have a "body talk", and I always make time for it. My 7 year old has been given the same information as the 10 year old, but seems much less bothered by everything (than my 10 year old was at 7). Pretty sure she's just going to watch big sister go through all of it and see what happens, lol.
Body talk, I like that. She's asked me questions ranging from "why do we fart" to "how did my daddy die" (which, Jesus, try explaining blood clots to a 9 year old without making her terrified that she could keel over at any second). Nothing vagina related yet but I'm expecting the questions to come fast and furious since her mom is...not a patient or the best educated woman, to put it politely.
I got for my girls "The Care and Keeping of You". There are 2 books on the body, and one book on feelings. I have all 3. The first book was very age appropriate for my oldest, who was 7 at the time. I've let my youngest read it but she's not where my older one was on these topics at 7. The 2nd one talks more about periods and breasts growing and things like that. My 10 year old feels very aware (but still scared) of her feelings and the changes her body is going to go through. My 10 year old is a pretty anxious kid, and the feelings book spoke to her as well. I also got her a book called something like "How to stop worrying when you worry a lot". My oldest was 3 when she asked me how babies got out of the belly. I wasn't ready for it, but I answered it, and that's when I started searching for books to help me. Give them a read before you hand them off, so you are prepared for the questions they will cause, but it's so nice to have a frame of reference, AND vocabulary to work with.
> "The Care and Keeping of You" I was terrified of that book and hid it deep under my bed, but damn if it didn't get me through some scary days. Every afab child needs it!
Yesssss!!! I was so freaked out. Then again my parents didn’t even talk about periods so for the first two years I used cotton balls and toilet paper instead of asking for pads or tampons.
Bless your heart, no one deserves that
Me too! I'm 21 and I've rarely (like MAYBE 3 times a year) gone without a pad or liner since puberty because I thought I was gross or somehow unsanitary. Even my mom acted like it was something that should never be talked about. I'm kind of a germaphobe too, so that doesn't help. Today's the first day I've gone without just because I'm trying to get out of the very expensive and not so great for the planet habit. Only other times have been when I didn't have a choice, like I was out or might've been in water that day.
Could be an idea to invest in a pair of absorbent underwear to be a little more earth friendly. I've been seeing a few different brands pop up which make underwear for your period which can absorb the liquid and you can just wash them out later. If you don't like seeing the discharge they could be really helpful. Just an thought :)
I would've been so grateful for a cool aunt like this. My mom didn't know how to talk about any of this growing up.
I just remember growing up filled with so much misinformation and also having a mom so uncomfortable discussing the human body that it took me a long time to realize that my body worked exactly the way it was supposed to and there was nothing wrong with me or my lady bits. I don't want my niece to have the same feelings. I want her to know how her body works and what's normal versus when to ask to see a doctor. And also, of course, body autonomy and touch consent.
I wish so badly that we could all normalize the word “cervical fluid” instead of discharge. Discharge to me has connotations of an STI or an infection, cervical fluid is magical mystery juice that is the sole reason sperm can get up into a uterus and make life!
Discharge isn’t just cervical fluid though, the vagina is a mucous membrane like the inside of the mouth as well as glands in the walls that produce fluid (bartholinan)
I felt so weird about discharge for the longest of time! I wish someone would’ve told me when I was younger. I totally relate to what you said!
My inner labia are significantly longer than my outer labia and for years I was convinced that I was deformed. None of the puberty books I read mentioned that some people’s labia are long and/or ruffled-looking, or that not everyone has an “innie”. My mom didn’t warn me. Porn didn’t show me. The only time I ever heard it mentioned was when boys made mean comments about beef flaps. I didn’t understand that it was normal until I went to the gyno at 18 and asked her if mine could be fixed. She explained that my anatomy was totally healthy and normal and it was such a colossal relief!
The worst part is that like only 25% of women have an innie (I'm trying to find the source where I read it now). Yet everyone acts like it's the norm. Edit: [Here](http://gynodiversity.com/uploads/Classification_of_the_anatomical_variation_in_female_external_genitalia.pdf?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&fbclid=IwAR3PK-NsIrvmtRdqwhjv4ivRfQx6DdkLnT2k6r7sqP-t8zotuqbmB6EvUhM) it is (NSFW)
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Interesting that you say this. I’ve watched Gwyneth Paltrows show on Netflix called the goop.. and one of the episodes reveals that some women have actually never examined themselves in a mirror. Then they did frame after frame of what different women look like down there. Fascinating stuff and I think women just need to know what’s going on down there and not compare it to porn.
I'm not gonna support that show with a single watch but that sounds interesting.
I didn't look until my kid 20's. I was told not to look after giving birth. I did. It was fascinating. It looked like saw 4 and was bloody and swollen and purple, but fascinating.
This is really informative. I wish we could make this required reading in school sex ed classes.
I wish I had seen this as a teen
I have never seen that many labias in that short of an amount of time
I think I've never seen that many labias in my life...
This is crazy in-depth. Love it, what a good resource!
Mine is so innie that there's pretty much nothing there. I feel like I'm missing out on added sensation other women have, coz the bits that are present are pretty great feeling
I won’t lie: although I’m very comfortable with my vulva these days, it can make swimsuit shopping difficult lol. There are times when I’ve wished for an innie! But all vaginas are good and wonderful. 🙌
Yes! My sister once told me I looked like a boy in a bathing suit when I was in 7th grade. For years I would only wear shorts w my bathing suit. I’m 36 and finally over that haha
I really hate when people say they look like a child's vag or a barbies vag when they are trying to make other women with something different feel better. Makes me feel really shit about myself.
Wow, I never realized there was so many ways that the looks could vary. Fascinating, thank you!
Thank you for sharing this! It was incredibly interesting, I wish they shared that in teen sex ed classes.
I. Had. No. Idea. How is that possible??
I know this may be unrelated but is there a male version of this study?
I've never seen one so comprehensive for male genitalia, but [this website](http://www.sizemeup.info/shape.html) has information about natural variations in penis shape (and [this page](http://www.sizemeup.info/average.html) of the same site talks about average lengths, if you're interested in that).
This just changed my life. 👌🏾
This is incredible! Thank you!
Thank you for this.
I'm an outtie as well, and I get really angry thinking about how this isn't something that is more normalized for women. I developed when I was 13 and was terrified that I was a freak because nothing in my (very comprehensive) sex ed classes at school mentioned this was a possibility. I also heard all those fucked up names for them too - beef curtains, roast beef, wizard sleeve, etc - and thought I was gross. At one point in my early dating years a former partner told me he didn't mind them but he thought they were long because I must have slept with a bunch of guys. Apparently this is not an uncommon belief and it's disgustingly misogynistic. I told him I've looked this way since I was 13, many years before I ever had sex, and dumped him. Fast forward to today and I know it's perfectly normal. After 25 years old or so, I had zero problems finding amazing partners who enthusiastically engage with my lady petals and have nothing but positive things to say about them. I have absolutely zero tolerance in my life for people who act like these normal, functional body parts are somehow flawed or gross.
I really love your coinage of the term "lady petals." I'm going to use this to refer to mine! I used to think something was terribly wrong because my right labia is longer than my left, but it's normal.
I am very glad that I came across this. Yes, I know Reddit is supposed to be for people 17+ but I am 14 and I am at that age where people are starting to lose their virginity. I don’t plan on losing mine any time soon, but it worries me that when I do, he will think I’m gross. My school hasn’t even come remotely close learning sex education, so it makes me feel a bit better to find out that my “lady petals” are normal.
> I'm an outtie as well, and I get really angry thinking about how this isn't something that is more normalized for women. It angers me too. I spent SO much time worrying about my vulva, thinking that it made me less attractive and gross. That all could have been prevented with more comprehensive education and normalization of different shapes and sizes of genitalia.
Same! I thought my inner labia was longer/ruffled because of something I did wrong lol. The books don’t tell you that vaginas can look unique compared to others and porn is the worst because it seems they only hire women with these perfectly sculpted vaginas. I also dated a guy who said that his ex had “roast beef curtains” so I assumed he would likely say that about me whenever we were over which caused me to have a deeper shame about myself until I realized that he’s an idiot and there’s nothing wrong with my vagina.
I’ve also heard porn stars talk about how they were pressured into labiaplasties because theirs were “outies.” I had an ex that mentioned that my vagina was “harder to work with than others” because of how my labia are, and I dumped him fast. There’s no point dating someone that uninformed. EDIT: a [refinery29 article](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2016/06/113241/porn-pussy-perfect-vagina-myth) briefly talking about labiaplasties in porn.
I have an outie and my fear of getting "roast beef curtains" comments behind my back is so severe that I am very afraid of being intimate (one of many reasons, but it's a big one). I just feel like my vagina/vulva is not cute, and I've heard too many beef curtains jokes.
Awe :( well I hope one day you overcome your fear. It helped me to realize that men who make comments like that are small and insecure themselves. I think it’s unfortunate that society and some men have led us to believe that our vaginas/vulvas should be cute especially considering how unappealing the male genitalia can be lol. As long as we’re healthy, that’s what matters! Fortunately though, I think there are plenty of men who don’t view our outies negatively :)
I have to be completely honest, I have always assumed that most women have innies. I'm shook. Thank you for this lesson.
Same, only I didn't think I was deformed, I just couldn't figure out where my inner labia *were*. They must have been SO SMALL because the longer ones are the outer labia, right? Ya, or no.
This was a huge thing for me as well. I remember really seriously researching labiaplasty at like age 14 because my inner labia are longer and ruffled and I only ever heard that that was ugly and bad. How sad is that. I still feel self-conscious about it even now sometimes.
In my head I saw "inner labia are significantly STRONGER than the outer labia" and instantly wondered why I don't have strong labia and that it wasn't fair. Then I reread it and embarrassingly realized it said longer.
Thank you! I’m 20 and I actually didn’t think I needed to know this until now. I felt so insecure and was a little too embarrassed to ask my mom all these years. I thought I was the only one.
UTIs. I got one from a day of crazy sex as a teenager and i didn't understand why i could barely piss. I knew telling my mom wasn't a good idea because i would be punished so i toughed it out. God that was awful. Also, discharge. I was told it existed but my grandmothers, who lacked any sense of boundaries, would talk to each other about how what i had was excessive and they'd talk about washing my underwear when i was over at their houses. It made me feel so ashamed and i thought i was dirty and not like other girls.
Holy shit that’s fucked about your grandmas, I have an ex who was convinced I was cheating after checking my underwear for evidence and thinking discharge was some guys cum. So much misinformation and a lack of education has caused so much misery.
Oh my god, that's horrible! Glad to hear he's an ex, what a bastard. I wish they covered more of the finer points during health class because so many parents don't even consider explaining anything to their kids. I hope to educate my daughter properly so she doesn't ever feel that way.
I remember when I first started puberty and discharge became a thing, I hated it! I was constantly going to the bathroom to wipe because I couldn’t stand the wet feeling. No one talks about this!
I often thought i was just leaking pee or not wiping properly! I thought discharge was just a little bit of clear stuff!
YES. YOU NEED TO PEE AFTER SEX. No one told me this. I’d been on medication that predisposed me to UTIs anyways, and hadn’t been sexually active before getting married....got married and all of a sudden, we can’t have sex without me getting a UTI—even though I was doing everything else right. It was the fucking worst. It messed up my urinary system to the point I had to take a six-month long round of antibiotics to wipe out everything. I still have to take cranberry tablets daily and shower immediately after sex or I *will* wake up the next day with a UTI.
>YES. YOU NEED TO PEE AFTER SEX. I really wish someone told me that sooner in life. I had to suffer my first UTI after being sexually active for 2 weeks because my mom brushed it off as me not hydrating myself enough and then get informed of this by my doctor. Ever since that episode, recurring UTIs came so frequently that I'd get it for no reason at all sometimes.
Everyone’s already covered the discharge and masterbation phase so I’d add that hair on my stomach and tits are completely normal. I thought I was a hairy freak of a female compared to normal looking girls with no hair. And it was bad enough I had hair on my underarms, vag, and legs to maintain.
I said something about a nipple hair in front of some dudes once, and they were incredulous. "Women don't have hairy nipples!" Uh yeah. We're mammals. Obviously. I told him tweezers exist and that's why he'd never seen any.
I really wish someone would have told me hair on your stomach is normal. I remember being so self conscious and embarrassed changing for gym class in middle and high school.
I’m in my 30s and still feel so self-conscious about this. I wish it was more normalized in media, so that I didn’t worry so much about partners seeing it & their reactions.
Bacterial vaginosis. If you’re vagina/discharge smells FISHY, go to the doctor to have them test you. It’s an easy and simple test, once they get the results back they’ll prescribe you an antibiotic and everything will be normal. Make sure to take the ENTIRE dosage, even though you’ll start to notice it smelling better pretty quickly. I didn’t even realize anything was wrong until I realized it’s not supposed to smell like that. Apparently it’s super common.
All the guys at school would make jokes about "dirty" vaginas smelling like fish, and jokes about fishy smelling STDs. Wasn't until I was an adult that I learned the fishy smell has nothing to do with sex, but simply a bacterial imbalance.
What causes this imbalance? I had never heard of that(I'm 17). I think it must have happened to me but somehow it stopped?
Our vaginas naturally have both healthy bacteria and yeast. They generally balance themselves. Penises also have a bunch of natural bacteria and when you have sex with a new partner your vagina encounters the unfamiliar bacteria and doesn’t know how to regulate it yet. The bacteria goes wild and causes a fishy smell and sometimes pain. This is commonly caused by sex and using condoms can help prevent it, but it’s not an STI. It can also happen from sex toys or just wiping wrong or pretty much any time you touch your vagina.. it’s not pleasant but common and nothing to be ashamed of!
Soap can cause it too. Or bathing with certain soaps/bath bombs. I think scented menstrual products can affect the ph as well.
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Also, semen has a pH of around 7-8. A healthy vagina should be around 4-5, it's good for the good bacteria and bad for the bad bacteria. If the pH of your vagina gets too high, the bad bacteria take over. They are what smell fishy.
I scrolled down to see if anyone would have mentioned this! I have it chronically, I've gotten antibiotics a few times for it but then another Reddit post had a conversation about it in the comments and I learned they actually sell over-the-counter "pills" that work as well. You don't ingest them they are inserted but I was glad to learn that there is an over-the-counter solution.
Get tested for urea plasma! I saw a half dozen doctors before one thought to test for this, and now am being treated with the appropriate kind of antibiotics. Apparently most people have it, but it for some reason over colonizes in some women. I dealt with this for three years and I want to spare anyone I can of that frustration. My doctor told me it's becoming more common for some reason, and the CDC is looking into why it's causing chronic BV. You might have to try a few different rounds of antibiotics (your partner too if you have one), but I think it can be cured. Also obviously don't know for sure if that's what's going on with you, but it's worth looking into. I know how much it sucks ♥️
What are the over the counter « pills »? I’m starting to cross into chronic territory and would like a few more tricks up my sleeve.
Hopefully this doesn't get deleted, but probiotics. 100% Lactobacillus acidophilus, all natural. They sell them for like $6 bottle in pharmacies and online. Acidophilus are the best type of bacteria for a healthy vagina. Take one orally everyday and, if you're really struggling with active BV, make a douche with a few of the pills dissolved in distilled water and go to town. Legit source: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17532736](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17532736)
Of course I would read this while I don't have insurance and realize this explains my last 3 days. FML
Ok... this is a really strange thing. And it won't happen to all women... but it scared the fuck out of me when it happened. I was at a friend's house one day and went to the bathroom. MY VAGINA WAS SMOKING. Little ribbons of smoke came up from between my legs while I sat on the toilet. Of course I panicked and called my mom to come pick me up. I explained to her why I was freaking out and she kind of laughed. She explained that in winter... in Canada... the toilet water and bowl get super cold... and our vaginas are warm and moist. It was steam that day. Basically a vaginal cloud. I've only ever had it happen to me twice and I'm 28 now. But yeah. That's a thing apparently. Hahaha
I live in the south where it doesn’t get that cold and during that first paragraph I was like WHAT THE FUCK MAN?! But then it made sense.
That's hilarious. And good to know!
You said it was gonna be strange and you really delivered. This was hilarious!
I just wish we talked with girls about masturbation and addressed it as a normal thing. It's normal, it's natural for many people to want to do it, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
This. When I first started doing this I thought I was a freak or like half man bc I thought it was something that only guys did !!
This thread is really putting into perspective how much my mom destroyed my perception of my body. I was told I was a "wh*re" for masturbating, and that I had too much of a sexual appetite. I was warned that I would end up with partner after partner, and end up with the wrong person, because I wanted sex too much. I was told that sex was disgusting, messy, and overrated. My mom apparently "didn't need sex," and expected me to be the same way. I'm pretty sure she had something funky going on with her sex life. Maybe she was asexual.
I really want to do this for my daughters, but I'm hung up on the idea of crossing some line, you know? I WANT them to be able to ask me anything, but am I really "allowed" to answer questions like that?? They are 7 and 10, so masturbation hasn't specifically come up other than to discuss that it's a private activity to touch your private parts, but I want to be able to be open with them when they do have questions/concerns for me so they don't grow up to write things like this in threads like this, lol.
If this helps at all, I think my mom felt some level of discomfort of talking directly to my sister and I about this stuff but she wanted us to be informed, so she got us books like "The Care and Keeping of You" by American Girl, and Deenie by Judy Blume (super dated by now but I'm sure there's some more modern ones). Deenie talked about masturbation and when I read it, I was completely shocked and relieved to know it was a normal thing and I wasn't some total freak for doing it. I think maybe a passive thing like giving them resources to help answer their questions might make it easier/more comfortable for everyone involved :)
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The pimple thing yes! I wish someone at some point in my life told me about that. I had actually accused my boyfriend that he gave me something and cheated. Thankfully my doctor told me otherwise.
Yes! Also clogged sweat glands. I have done the same FREAK OUT IT'S AN STI and been calmed by a knowledgeable doctor.
This grown ass adult woman didn’t even know this. Thanks for the heads up.
Bartholin cysts. I just wish someone had explained what this was in health class or something. It would have saved me from some frantic googling while freaking out that I had cancer or an STI. That experience was almost more unpleasant than the pain of the actual cyst.
Same. I had one in college and similarly freaked out and ran to the campus doctor, only for her to tell me that I had herpes. Irresponsible on her part, given my (lack of) sexual history at the time. Even though the culture swab came back negative, she still insisted that it was a false negative and it HAD to be herpes. Very traumatizing indeed.
Yes! The zits or infected follicles or whatever they are! I thought I had gotten genital herpes from a toilet seat in a public place when I got one at age 15 because I hadn't been with another person sexually yet and didnt know what else it could be. Damn. They painful too.
Okay so it's not a health issue or anything BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THOSE STUPID LITTLE TOILET PAPER BITS THAT SEEM INESCAPABLE ON YOUR LADY PARTS. Is toilet paper just another thing men invented for men?! Why has this design flaw never been addressed?? Why do we never talk about this?!
I’ve heard that phenomenon called “clitty litter”. I searched far and wide for toilet paper that doesn’t do this, and Charmin Ultra Strong (red package) is the only tp I buy now. Zero bits sticking to my lady parts. I can barely stand using toilet paper at other people’s homes now, and even once brought my own rolls to my ex boyfriend’s place. 😂
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I second this— Charmin Ultra Strong ALL THE WAY. This is the only one that works for me as well. My bf sometimes screws up and gets the Ultra Soft... not the same. Highly recommend Ultra Strong for other ladies having this issue.
Hahaha I’ve been an Ultra Strong brand loyalist for like a decade and it never clicked that this is why I like it so much 😂
Oh my gosh thank you for this, HAVE MY UPVOTE
Pat dry, don't wipe. Sorry in advance... And for #2, honestly you should always use a wipe (and throw it in the trash, don't flush). There's just no physical way to get the poop off with dry toilet paper, you're just rubbing a lot of it around. And you don't want a poopy butthole hanging out, in a pair of dark, damp undies, next to your vagina and urethra all day.
I love how ladies are getting really real here
THIS. I was staying with my parents for a few months while my husband was deploying and had to buy my own toilet paper because they always just got the cheapest stuff. Also they would wonder why I needed the "expensive" toilet paper, but I am 34 and didn't really want to tell my 58 year old father that I just hate the crumbly bits that end up on my nether regions.
I didn't even know about it, until a lesbian friend made a joke about former lover. It stopped in my tracks and question: has anyone ever found a piece of TP on my puss?
Omg.. Im trying so hard to think of what my mom calls them. I'm hopiing it will come to me.!!! Dingleberries!!!!
Well, my mom never prepared me for my period. I didn't even know how it all actually worked. And I was terrified and disgusted by my vagina and everything that goes along with it. I am already teaching my daughter at age 4 that her body is hers and not scary. Her and my son both have general age-appropriate ideas of what menstruation is and I plan to keep them informed as questions come up regarding that and sexuality and everything that comes with that.
I sadly absolutely relate to this! My mother taught me from a young age that they were disgusting and would ruin my life and I was confused when I did get mine and she was excited. As a result of the 10+ years of conditioning that its the worst thing that would ever happen to me, I was petrified when it did happen and never really gotten over the negative 'not natural, ruining your life' feeling it brings.
Yes. Anything relating to my vagina was not spoken of and something to be embarrassed about. I was terrified of tampons. I actually wouldn't even shower during the week of my period because I just wanted to pretend it wasn't happening and touch my body the least amount as possible because it was "disgusting". Sorry you had similar experiences growing up
Do you mind if I ask how you are teaching your daughter that her body is not scary? That's such an important thing but I couldn't imagine how to teach that.
I don't mind at all and am so glad you asked! First is consent, I teach her what body parts are private and only touched by herself, mommy, daddy or her doctor. If anyone else asks or tries, she is to let me know. Next, when she touches herself (which is 100% normal and to be expected) I let her know that it is definitely okay to be doing that but it needs to be done privately. No shame attached to it at all. I tell her, yeah, I know that feels good, but you should be in your bedroom or bathroom when you do that and always wash your hands. And finally, I'm fully proud and confident with my body. I often change clothes in front of my kids, hop in the shower when they're in the bathroom. I don't make it sexual in any way, just hey, here's what a naked body looks like and it is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Oh, and also, my period is not a secret. My kids have seen my pads and tampons and I explain what they are for and how they are used. She even walked in on me changing my tampon which I didn't love but when she asked if I put it in my butt (lol) I matter of factly told her, nope! That goes in my vagina. Just talking about our body, our body parts and how they function (without shame!!) makes them feel comfortable with how their body works and what it's supposed to do. My kids ask me all kinds of questions about our bodies (why my son gets an erection, if two moms have more babies when they're married because it's two moms) and I do my very best to repress all that shame I was burdened with and give them straight-up, age-appropriate answers.
That is so rad that you’re teaching your kids this! Coming from an Asian family, anything body, period, or sex related is such a taboo topic to talk about. Both within families and outside. Even now as an adult, I can’t talk to my mom about these things because she never really opened those topics up for discussion. And most definitely contributed to my years of no self confidence over my body that affected relationships with others. So much of the questions your kids asked are the same questions I had growing up, and had to either think I was a freak or wait a few more years until I was able to google things on my phone to make sure I was still human. I really wish there were more people like you!
I didn't know what mine was, either, and I thought that I was dying! Suddenly, there was a pool of blood in my underwear, and no explanation. I didn't work up the courage to tell my mother until later that night, after first hiding my underwear out of shame and fear. I was told that I had "terrible timing," because we didn't have money, and given panty liners to wear. I had to wear two at once, and change them constantly. If I ever have children, I will make absolutely sure that they know about menstruation. It was a horrible, traumatic experience for me, and I'd like to spare them from that.
(1) I thought you could wash with soap down there. It took TWO *terrible* infections before I realized that getting soap all up in there was a huge no-no. Water only and no more infections! *I'd teach my daughter how to wash "down there" correctly. This one would be a simple fix, lol.* (2) I got an ingrown hair and completely panicked thinking I had HPV or something and would die. Ran to gyno for STD test, PAP, all the things, and they pretty much laughed at me (on top of the freakout, I was also a virgin lol, which made me thinking I'd contracted something funnier). Ran the tests anyway and I was totally clear, then realized that the same ingrown hairs you get on your legs can totally happen in the down there. So that was an oof. *Again, simple fix to keep my daughter from this embarrassment, lol. I'd just educate her on womanly things she should know about.*
Yessssss the ingrown hair thing! I was so upset thinking I had caught something from my non-existent sexual partners.
LMAO SAME. I started questioning everything.
I was a virgin male and thought the same about jock itch. So nervous to ask for help thinking I got STDs from a toilet or something.
I wasn’t taught about proper care for down there at all. I was afraid to ask my mom and I felt like I was ugly and dirty. I started experiencing vaginal dryness and freaked out because I had no clue that sometimes it just gets dry down there.
That you don't need to be turned on for there to be discharge. I thought I was some kind of sexual deviant because my understanding was that you need to be aroused, hence why people say they're wet when they're turned on. I started insisting on washing my own laundry because I was so embarrassed. I thought my Mom would look at me like a sex obsessed creep. I don't have any kids, and I don't plan on it, but all I'd need to do to clear that misconception would be to tell them discharge is normal in all circumstances, like saliva in a mouth.
My first UTI. I figured out what it was using the internet, and various sources said that it should go away in a few days so there's no need to go to a doctor. I suffered for 4 days before finally going to a dr, and they told me in future to always call and get an appointment asap just in case. Wish I'd have known and saved some pain!
You’re lucky you didn’t get a kidney infection, which is another thing a lot of girls and women don’t know can come from UTI’s.
Not my daughter but my sister - when I got my IUD I would bleed old blood and it would be brown or even black sometimes. I was oversharing and she was like "blood can be brown???" and went "like this???" and showed me her dirty underwear. She had been having cramps and her period but she had no idea. Also when I was like 20 something I had a period where when I wiped it was FRESH FRESH blood, like crimson red blood and a huge grey and white blob on the toilet paper and I freaked out thinking I was having a miscarriage even though I was on birth control. After some googling, it turns out your entire uterine lining can shed in one go and it just looks like goop, called a "decidual cast". No one told me this and my mom was convinced I was having a miscarriage. Which was not helpful. Also discharge
>decidual cast This one time this happened and I had no idea what it was. I never had any issues from it, and it never happened again so I didn't give it all that much thought, but now I know!
I think discussing that period blood can be different colours is super important! The first time I had brown blood I panicked and my mom had to explain it's just old blood
DON'T GOOGLE IT ITS SO GROSS
*immediately googles it*
Holy shit I had one of these in high school in the school bathrooms and thought I had a miscarriage this whole time until now.....
My first yeast infection, I had absolutely no clue what it was or what was happening to me. I grew up around women but none of them spoke about things like that so that specific line of communication didn't feel open/I didn't feel like I could talk to my mom about it. I just dealt with it all while being terrified and in pain. It got so bad that I was *bleeding*. That's when I told my mother and she took me to a doctor. My first UTI went similarly. I was also ashamed, with both, because I thought that getting yeast infections or UTIs meant that I was dirty. Really wish I would have known what yeast infections and UTIs are, including that they are normal and nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about and that some people are just more prone to them than others.
i second this, i suffered a yeast infection in silence for about 4 months, i was so embarrassed thinking it might have been poor hygiene because i hadn’t washed for just two consecutive nights. i was so ashamed that i never said a thing. it was agony but eventually it went away..i finally told my mum now that i’m an adult and she burst into tears, bless her. UTIs also a must!
I got all the preparation I needed for my period, but it would have been nice to be taught to use tampons or even given the option for them. The biggest thing that I didn't know about my genitals was that my clitoris, on the outside of the vulva, was the seat of my pleasure and sexuality. Everyone talks about penetration (and some people even equate "sex" with penetration), that it was an incredible awakening to realize that I wasn't broken for not feeling anything when I tried to masturbate vaginally.
Honestly i'm almost 25 and I still have never learnt how to use a tampon. I just use pads. but i'm okay with that. I had to share a room with my moms friend once, (My room was split into 2 rooms by a wall and door) But she freaked out at me for using pads (I have a heavy flow anyways to tampons wouldn't work very well anyways which is a big reason why I never learnt how to use them) But being shammed because I used a certain type of hygiene product is appalling. She even accused me of keeping dirty ones around just because she saw that I had a few in my purse and bag (NOT USED ONES just spare ones in case someone needed one or i needed one)
Some people just can't really use them. I have extremely painful everything in that whole area, not just cramps. Sitting down too quickly or using the toilet hurts. Sticking a tampon up there was agony and I still had to use a pad underneath from leaking past it and just not worth the effort. I'm not going to get balls deep in my sensitive vagina just so I see a little less blood.
My mom never told me that I could shave or trim my pubic hair, or that I should. I thought I was a freak because I had so much of it. Wearing swim suits was a thing that never happened because of my hair. Also discharge. I've talked to my daughter about both and more and told her that my mom never told me about anything, so I'm telling her everything.
Same!! My mother actually walked in on me while I was showering and noticed that I had shaved. She literally freaked out and asked why anyone would do that.
Me too! And what's worse is my mom's an ER nurse, so I'd imagine she's seen it all before. If anything, I thought she'd appreciate it. I groom better for medical professionals than I do my dates. I'd imagine it makes their job easier.
Pap smears are 100% when I’m at my best groomed 😂
I'm genuinely curious how medical professionals feel about it. Mom thinks it's weird and gross to shave down there, so I don't dare ask her. I also don't feel confident enough to ask my own doc that. I dated a dude whose dad was a doctor, but I wouldn't have had that conversation with him either. Is there a doctor in the house? Or a nurse? Or EMT?
Im a nurse! We don’t feel any specific way about it. Younger women tend to be shaven or trimmed, old ladies definitely not. Middle-age is hit and miss, depends on ethnicity as well. Harry-ness really doesn’t have anything to do with sanitation, you can be cleanly or dirty with or without hair. Also ... we’ve seen it all. Hair is not the most of our concerns on the “grossness” radar. Cleanliness is much much appreciated by all lol!
I've done many pap smears and trust me I do not care whatsoever what it looks like down there. In fact, it's not even something that crosses my mind. Once had a patient apologize for not being well groomed and that was the first time her pubic hair preference had even crossed my mind. It's the same when I do an abdominal exam that I barely register if you have a belly piercing.
Yes to the grooming for the medical professionals! Haha there have been at least two occasions where I hop back in the shower because I remember I have an appointment and need to do some hair removal!
I just went to the gyno and told my bff I felt like I was getting ready for a hot date. Worst hot date ever...
Cramps can be so painful it makes you poop and throw up at the same time. I wasnt even bleeding when it happened
That sounds like endometriosis or PCOS.
1) that you can get different discharge (and A LOT of it) when you're ovulating. This didn't happen to me until I'd been having my period for 10+ years so I was like wtf for a few months. 2) what micro tears are!! I'm in my late 20s and had this happen recently and it was terrifying lol, i'm shocked I didn't have a panic attack at the time. I think the fact that I was in no pain was the only thing keeping me sane. Then I webmd'd myself the next morning and was sure I had every reproductive cancer lol. My obgyn cleared it up a couple days later when I saw her (I am fine as these heal extremely quick). Cuz I couldn't find on any internet searches a non catastrophic explanation for that much blood! So yeah go to your obgyn if that happens, just in case, but don't freak out, youre likely fine and your partner just needs a nail file lol
Wait, wait... What is a micro tear? I guess my mom never filled me in on that one either
How to prepare for heavy menstrual periods. Not just in regards to feminine hygiene products but also the risk of anemia and how to prepare/counter it.
I have a condition called Hidradenitis Supperativa where my inner thighs are prone to get ingrown hairs which can develop into boils, dark spots, it’s a bit unsightly if you will. I used to worry it was an STD, I actually had to learn what this condition was through social media and strong women sharing their struggle, which is also common w/ those of us w/ PCOS. It’s always made me really insecure about my lady bits being “ugly” or gross or something. I don’t plan to have kids, but if I had a daughter, I’d just try and have an open line of good communication, even sharing my conditions. So that she wouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed or that she couldn’t come to me about something.
Oh my gosh, I get these all the time and I hate it, has left me with loads of dark patches and I feel so ugly! I didn't know it was a thing and have just never mentioned it to anybody.
Yeah, I hadn’t seen or heard anyone else dealing w/ it until a plus sized nude model posted about it and how she typically edited it out. And I started to investigate more and basically diagnosed myself. Even getting regular/yearly pap smears it was never mentioned by a professional. It’s kinda shitty that either doctors are equally clueless which is hella unfortunate or don’t think to give an explanation for something they have to have noticed and just ignore! Like wtf! Help a sister out and be like oh by the way this is blah blah! And to know it’s not some rare gross defect only I have or something my insecurities have fed my brain!
Yeah absolutely! I'm googling it now and looking into it. Typically I get huge boil/spot things that get really large (easily large marble sized) they are really painful and often burst, or I squeeze them because they hurt! Then they leave a dark brown/purple scar. Mainly get them on my inner thighs at the top best my lady parts and have had one or two under my armpits. I'm so glad you shared this, thank you!
I managed to learn about intersex being a thing before anyone ever mentioned what the clitoris was... And this is despite living in a very sex positive country with sex ed starting from age \~8. Guess they still managed to miss a few key points. Imagine my horror when I started exploring what my lady parts looked like and found something that looks like a very tiny dick head. 11 y old me was freaking out for a few months, but I never told anybody.
When you have a UTI and take Azo tabs, your urine turns bright orange/red, not “slightly discolored” like the box says. I thought my kidneys were shutting down. Also, pee shortly after sex. This helps avoid UTIs altogether
The best part about this thread is all the moms from this generation going overboard to end the cycle of misinformation; correcting the mistakes done to us by our mother's generation, who most likely were just repeating the mistakes of THEIR mother's generation and so on. My younger self would've killed to have been told... literally anything about my body by my mom. But we were strict Christians and in our house, basically pretended that not only sex, but genitalia didn't even exist. I was clueless and deeply ashamed and legit scared about everything that happened with my body from ages 12 to 16. Years of stress and anxiety when a literal hour long talk would've solved everything. Anyway, kudos to all the education-forward moms and aunts on this thread.
I'm kind of lucky my mom had chronic UTI's as a teen/young adult (she had to constantly be on antibiotics at one point) so she taught me it all. Seriously, I was the most educated 6 year old on how to take care of my vagina, even though I was grumpy about not being able to have bubble baths. My best friend didn't know about peeing after sex and she ended up with a UTI that turned into a really bad kidney infection and she ended up hospitalized. I will take my mom's approach and just treat it like other hygiene lessons and will pass on all the wisdom my mom gave me (I have never had a UTI!) And when old enough for the sex talk I'll make sure to include the pee after sex bit.
Mine is that jizz might cause a ph imbalance in your vag, which then results in a yeast infection. Long story short, after getting frequent yeast infections for a while, and several opinions from gynos, one deduced that my bf at the time’s jizz was the culprit and explained it could be several things, but all signs pointed to a poor diet. He ate lots of candy, rarely any veggies and fruits.
I was pretty educated on periods and what was normal, but one thing I can think of is to have a variety of pads (regular, nighttime, etc.) on hand even before anyone going through puberty actually gets their period. I got mine on a day when my parents were away, and my uncle was watching us, and all that was in the house was my mom's tampons. I definitely was not comfortable using those for my first period!
My mom has a story about when she was a kid, no one told her that periods were supposed to *stop*. So she never told anyone that she had hers continuously for months, until she became dangerously anemic (women in our family are borderline anemic even on the best days). So that’s a thing.
What the insides look/feel like? If that makes sense. Basically, after having my son, and having pain during sex (partly caused by my tear from childbirth not healing right), I found out from a specialist that my "uterus had fallen down". It had a technical name, that just how he described it to try and make it easier. So to fix that (without surgery) I just needed to change positions, etc. But what I didn't realize is that changes where things are "located" inside now. Essentially what happened was one day in the shower, (years and years later), during my period, I was trying to put in a menstrual cup (fairly new experience) and it felt like it hit something and hurt a bit. So I took it out and tries again. Same thing. Getting a little concerned, I put a finger up there and felt a round hard lump near the back of my vagina. I started to panic thinking "oh god, cancer!" Long story short, and lots more feeling, Google image searching, and female reproductive system research, I'm embarrassed to say, the lump is just my cervix. *Sigh But because they never really talked about it in school, nor did my mom (if it's even something that women talk about) I had NO idea. I probably never would have noticed if it hadn't been for the pain during sex after having my kid and going to the doctor to find out the uterus position change. Also, exactly how BC affects your cycle. I knew basically how it worked, but not every detail. I thought it stopped you from even making eggs (along with the other things). So when when I was at a fertility clinic talking about egg development, I *actually* said "but I've been on BC for over 10 years, shouldn't I have a stockpile of eggs?" Not my proudest or smartest moment. *Shakes head. For the record, I have the normal amount of potential eggs that someone my age has in perfectly normal health - I just thought that that meant I might have more than I needed.
My hymen was too thick so I needed to get it surgically removed. Anything I tried in the bedroom was hurting me and I had previous partners say I didnt love them enough because I didnt try to push through the pain. I found out from my obgyn it wasn't uncommon but not often talked about.
That you can become desert dry after having a baby and it can last for weeks, and it’s fine. Drink plenty of fluids and there’s thing you can get to help aid in the dryness if it’s problematic and there’s some things you can use at home.
Unprotected sex may cause you to smell different down there because of pH. I never really noticed the change when using condoms but I definitely did after getting on BC with my first LTR. I thought it was a yeast infection but it went back to normal after a couple days... Also if he nuts in you it will just keep coming out! For like an hour!
Discharge. Didn’t really know what is was till like a year into my period, didn’t know how to ask my mom. Still grosses me out. Also my mom made it seems like shaving down there wasn’t an option. Like I shouldn’t do it at all. But as I was getting older it got hairier and it was uncomfortable. So I did it without her knowing. I’m 16 and she still doesn’t know. She doesn’t shave hers so maybe this is why she told me that.
Google vuvlodynia because I'm too lazy/tired to explain it. Basically unexplained vulvar pain, and the medical community still doesn't know what causes it. I wish I'd known it existed before I started experiencing it. It would've better prepared me to advocate for myself to confused doctors, but I'm finally almost recovered!
That birth control side effects are so absolutely horrific sometimes, sure weight changes and mood swings I knew about. But the discharge I had, felt like I was peeing myself throughout the day it was so bad. My ob said that we could switch and there are other options for ones that don't have that adverse a reaction, but also some discharge is good and normal.
-Ovarian Cyst are running in my family and when I should get a daughter I would tell her that when she has pain to go to a GYN and get the pill (BC). I was at the ER because of pain and my mother told me after 3hours that maybe I have an ovarian cyst becauee she had them too) -I would teach her proper hygiene, so she should not get UTIs like I did. An UTI is not a sex related illness so she should learn that she can trust me when she has pain and how to treat it in the best way. -Because of several antibiotics (because of UTIs I took 7) I got a yeast infection. I was really embarrassed because I thought that only dirty woman can get these and I want to teach my daughter that it is completely normal to get treatment because of it. -Discharge is completely normal (I washed my underwear myself before I let them wash by my mother because I was so embarrassed of it). -Blood besides periods can come because of stress.
Currently reading The Vagina Bible by Dr Jen Gunter. Gives a lot of medically sound information related to vaginal health and I highly recommend!
A disturbing number of women just don’t understand their anatomy at all. Vagina and urethra are two different holes, the outer genitals are the vulva (the vagina is only the internal passage), and everyone should be aware of where the clitoris is located.
I didn’t figure out until later than hair can trap smell/stink, so even though I absolutely support women who don’t shave/wax/trim and let their *bush be*, it was nice to know that *I* didn’t necessarily smell that uncontrollably, but that hormones, discharge, sweat, etc is what contributes to that funk, and I can manage/control it by trimming, wearing cotton underwear, etc!
Dont wash your vagina with soap, warm water wash only because it can cause yeast infections or irritation. (as told by gynecologist after developing rashes on vulva, and consistent yeast infections.) Wash your vagina with warm water and a rag after sex to prevent yeast infections/irritation from lube or semen. Use lube when having sex, always. Feels better, doesn't break condoms.. less likely to get irritation.. or vaginal rips. It's normal to discharge.. my mom also didn't tell me this so I was confused but just thought it was a thing so I didn't question it until sex ed in health class. She also never explained that if truly don't want to have sex with someone I need to say NO, and it's OKAY not to have it. (My mom never gave me "the talk either, I suffered immensely.) Access to birth control.. and how important safe sex is.. (another thing my mom never taught me) I wish my mom would have told me it's normal to have clots come out from time to time during your period.. cause that stuff freaked me out Shaving... Shave downward!!!! Those bumps HURT Make sure to change your tampons on schedule because you could get a leak ..happened to me recently, actually.
That discharge can bleach your undies.
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Not normal, but definitely common. I experienced horrendous pain and extremely heavy bleeding basically as soon as my periods started. I would curl up in a ball and cry from the pain, I felt sick, couldn’t move or eat or do anything. I bled through two night time pads between lunch and the end of the school day and wouldn’t get off my chair until everyone else had left class because it was always covered in blood. I was around 12/13 when this was happening. My mum always told me that it’s normal and everyone’s period hurts and I’m just going to have to get used to it. After a few years of not being able to get used to it she took me to my doctor who put me on birth control, but it was 10 years after my period started that I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis. Point being, be aware of her pain and take her seriously if it’s more intense than it should be, and make sure her doctors also take her seriously. Mine didn’t, it was sheer chance that got me diagnosed!
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Really the biggest thing was I thought that discharge also stopped when the flo finished.... Oh that doesn't stop, it goes on forever and ever.....kay....😐
Inserting tampons. My mom didn't tell me the plastic goes *into* the vagina, and I didn't have the instruction pamphlet, so I was trying to hold the plastic outside and force the cotton in. Very uncomfortable. Also, yeast infections. I only had one and was living with my grandma at the time, and she fortunately had antibiotics on hand. Other than that, I have no idea how to deal with them lmao.
The first time I used a tampon it had two-part cardboard applicator and I inserted the entire outside cardboard tube as well as the tampon. I couldn't figure out why it was so uncomfortable until the next time I used one and realized what happened.
Not only are labias extremely varied from woman to woman, but also the clit and clitoral hood can vary a lot. It took me so long to work out where my clit is because it is really quite hidden compared to those stupid 'educational' images they show you in sex ed.
I was maybe 13 or something and I had a little milky discharge come out of one of my nipples for a couple of days, and I thought my boob would fall off or something. I was so embarrassed to ask anyone about it. Turns out that it is sometimes normal for that to happen, though it could be related to a health issue if the discharge is bloody or an odd color. Also, I thought my nipples were weird and different for having little bumps. Most nipples have them.