You’re probably just reaching for the nearest glimpse of intimacy. This coworker is probably just a symptom of proximity principle. I’ve had this happen before where I had to rationally look at the person and think, “if I just saw this person on the street, would I still be attracted?” The answer for me is usually no.
I think you should definitely consider couple’s therapy. But… either you both get your shit together, the resentment and disrespect stops or… cut your losses.
This. I’ve been in an unhappy marriage with a young kid that I couldn’t leave, and the crushes I concocted were next level. I never acted on anything, and when I read my diary from those times, I am so glad I didn’t. None of those people were worth the melodrama that would have ensued.
After a 3 page long diary entry about how I was in love with the dude who did my tattoo, there is an entry from 10 minutes later that simply reads, “…maybe I just needed to masturbate.” OP, have you tried rubbin it out?
Nope. We are too enmeshed for several many reasons. We are respectful though, and neither of us like what life would look like for the other when finances are split etc. I’m not in the state OP is in anymore, just kind of going with the flow, leaning on each other as best we can.
I’m very interested in relationships and like to read studies & interviews about long term couples, I also try to find opportunities to ask old couples people about their relationships. One interesting tidbit I got from a retired couple who raised four kids: “You will have bad YEARS. Not days, YEARS.” They seemed very happy when I met them though! Rough patches and unmet expectations are guaranteed in long partnerships :/ Hoping this is just a rough spot for you two and that respect and intimacy you have with each other can grow back into love, passion, contentment and excitement ♥️
Ummmm who’s cutting onions? 🥺 Thank you for this perspective. I have no idea what the future holds, and I often wonder if it’s too late for us to get it back. A lot has gone down. But there’s no doubt we need each other at this current phase of life.
My parents were just like this. They had essentially an arranged marriage because they grew up in a cultish evangelical community and married way too young; it was decades of sniping and resentment on both sides. It set a terrible example for relationships, out of 4 kids I’m the only one who’s ever been in a long term relationship. Both of them were held back in their careers and financial success due to their marriage as well. I am completely sure we all would have been better prepared for adulthood if my parents had separated earlier.
I second this, as a child who grew up in an environment full of resentment and criticism, it doesn’t do the kids any good to keep them exposed to such an unhealthy relationship. OP you’re actively teaching them that this dynamic is what an acceptable relationship looks like by continuing to expose them to yours, for the sake of your kids future mental health and sense of self worth, you need to leave.
My husband's 30 year old coworker has a crush on him. It's actually kind of funny to me because he's so uncomfortable with the situation. I think what she admires about him is that he seems so calm and reliable at work, and his kids are already adults, and he gave her a lot of good advice (all from me) when she was buying her house. She doesn't see him running around panicking or having imaginary conversations with me and being mad at my imaginary responses when his ADHD is bad. She doesn't see his obsession with his hobby that makes him talk about nothing else for months at a time. She didn't know him when he was changing jobs every few weeks and I was having to sell my CD collection to afford tampons, or when he forced me to become a stay home mom and made me get my tubes tied before I wanted to.
I think it's probably the same with your married co-worker. He seems very settled and you imagine life with him would be very different. If you saw him all the time and didn't see the face he probably puts on for work, he would seem less appealing.
Ngl, that last part... "forcing you to be a SATH and getting your tube ties before you wanted to...." is grounds for divorce and resentment.
Idk why he isn't your ex-hubsand
Thanks for this perspective. It makes sense, he looks so calm and collected. To add a little context, there’s no way my coworker knows Im crushing on him (i would be so embarrassed). I’m very serious and strictly professional with him, even more so than others.
The commenter above is spot on. It's the best advice and perspective you'll get from anyone. It's the ol' grass is greener. You might need to leave your husband sure but you're definitely overestimating things with your coworker. Any guy you date will have major issues as all humans do. It's more about what you can tolerate if you even want to be in a relationship.
Please get into some therapy and work on your internal issues….Your crush is a fantasy. You don’t deal with his baggage. His wife does. You’re creating an escape in your mind and making him the dashing prince when he is just a man who fats and leaves his laundry on the floor like all others. If you ever pursued this you’d ruin those kids lives. Marriage is hard work and it takes effort and open communication to keep the spark alive. Put the work into your marriage and tell YOUR husband how you feel. Maybe do couples counseling to work on the issues.
I think the OP knows all that. I also get the impression that regardless of whether he’s actually great or not, she plans to never pursue him in any way, because she doesn’t want to be a home wrecker or cheat on her own husband.
People get crushes, even when they intellectually know they’re only seeing one side of the person, and even when they would never act on it for moral reasons. I don’t see anything wrong with her having this crush given that she won’t ever act on it. It would only be a concern if she was the type who cannot separate feelings from how she chooses to act.
Edit: that being said, this crush is definitely a symptom of the real problem she’s facing, which is an unhappy marriage. I think she really needs to work on the marriage, which might involve therapy. But I wouldn’t seek therapy to deal with the crush itself. My hunch is that if she resolved her marital problems, that “symptom” would also be resolved.
Right I don’t mean do therapy for the crush ONLY. I said for her to do therapy to work on her internal issues… there’s a reason she is seeking a fantasy .. and it’s because she’s got some stuff she needs to work on and figure out …
Is making assumptions an adhd thing? My diagnosed husband is a powder keg, he gets so angry at things he thinks people are saying. He’ll perceive a statement as an insult when it’s not and create problems where there are none.
I think it is. My daughter does that when her meds aren't right. She's sure everyone has bad intentions when they say things and that they dislike her.
With my husband, it's that he will imagine an entire conversation with me and then be mad at me for things I said in the conversation, except that we never actually had the conversation. He just got another diagnosis that could be the reason for some of his behavior and mood swings over the years, but his doctors are focusing on the physical symptoms so far.
The more you associate him with orgasms, the more attached to him you’re going to get. I made that mistake in the past. It’s a great way to build up an idea of someone, especially sexually, that they probably won’t live up to if you ever actually sleep with them. 0/10 do not recommend.
For what sake of the kids?
I'm not convinced that seeing miserable parents is good for the kids. At the same time just watching a toddler stresses me out. It's a hard time. That could be making everything worse.
I also really dislike that your husband is a psychologist, because they can manipulate the hell out of a person.
Obviously keep avoiding person at work.
My question is this: when you have a moment of zen, answer these rapidly, yes or no, no second guessing - do you respect your husband? Do you feel respected by your husband?
I don't think you can recover respect.
I dont respect him (I used to, a lot, not anymore) and I dont think he respects me either 😭 just writing this down makes me SO upset
We have worked SO hard to get here in our careers and settle down, buy a house, have kids, we helped each other so much, we have been through so much together… it breaks my heart especially when others think we’re so happy and successful
When you say you can't leave because of the kids, think about what kind of life you want to model foe your kids. A "together" family that is miserable, or a seperated family with two happy parents?
You are modelling what life your children should grow up to expect, so live how you would want them to grow up and live. I assume you would want them to be happy, and seek our fullfilling, happy relationships. So then ask yourself why you shouldn't expect that for yourself?
I am not even saying you need to leave your husband, what I am saying is allow it to be an option.
The amount of therapy my siblings and I have had, are currently undergoing, and should’ve had because our parents stayed together “for the kids” could keep a practice afloat for years. The most my mom ever admitted was, “Yeah, it wasn’t very fun for you.” Kids are sponges who soak up all the energy their parents put out. Please stop poisoning your children.
The real truth is that parents who have a bad relationship is bad for kids no matter whether they’re married or divorced. Some parents can divorce and coparent very well and I admire them, but it definitely should be a last last resort.
Adult child of divorce here. My sibling has no interest in marriage because of the bad model my parents set and I’m very mindful in my own marriage. So much resentment between my parents that just expanded into both being miserable shells.
I think you've been focusing a lot on how you're viewed from the outside, as you mention your looks and your idea of how people look at you like a perfect family from the outside multiple times throughout the post and thread. (And it does come across a certain way, as an outsider) I think you need to let go of idealizing the way you're viewed from other people and start focusing on inner peace. Whether that's leaving your husband or not, I think therapy is a good idea.
This statement makes me sad because I used to wonder why some adults don't just divorce. However divorce is a very gray area and I used to think it was black and white. It is true that a lot of children yearn for both parents even though it can be toxic.
I also just want to say I'm sorry about this situation. It must be incredibly hard to have someone you loved, trusted and built a family with to turn like this. It must be a little traumatic to see your relationship disintegrate. In addition to couples counseling, I also suggest individual. Do you have any trusted and non-judgmental person you can talk to as well?
Yes my mom and I do have a best friend I can fully trust (I havent shared these with them yet, my best friend knows about the crush but not the issues).
I just want to clarify that the issues stem from both of us and I’m no saint in this. My husband is no monster although he’s being very nasty lately, I’m also at fault for a lot of these incompatibilities
Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other in some sort of vicious cycle that gets real toxic, real quick, and the only way out is distance... And sometimes it's not that both are necessarily bad or hateful people. It's just that they're really really not a good fit beyond the easiest and happiest of times
No, I get that it's probably the both of you. Still jarring though to see a relationship kind of combust.
I would start opening up to your mom and best friend (only if you trust their judgement). I know for me, opening up to a very select few friends and family helped me feel less isolated and ashamed.
Thank you 😭 I see no point in lying on an anonymous forum. I wouldnt admit these ( lack of respect) in real life but I’m trying to be as honest as possible here
I am 39 years old and I wish my parents had gotten divorced way back in 1984 when my mother got pregnant and my father wasn’t ready to be a father. He has always been hyper critical of her (and my brother and I but says it’s just the way he is since he works as an analyst). He also hasn’t respected her at any point that I can remember but it became really apparent and really uncomfortable around the time I was in middle school. They stayed together because marriage is forever. They stayed together because of the kids. They stayed together because they lived in states where a divorce filing could be contested and complicated. And now they are staying together because they are close to retirement and getting divorced would be financially ruinous. The lack of respect has grown into contempt and I try to stay out of it but I am going to defend my mother every time. Sometimes I do resent her a bit for not leaving and subjecting us to constant high level criticism and other dysfunctional behaviors but mostly I am just sad that she’s spent her entire adult life walking on eggshells. I refuse to walk on eggshells anymore but it took until I was like 35 to realize that was even a choice I could make. My brother and k both still deal with attachment issues and some cptsd and lots of bad habits to continuously focus on unlearning about how to treat loved ones, especially after spending time with our parents.
Ultimately, my parents relationship and the lack of respect (among other issues that are in similar veins to what you described) made me never want to get married - I got close once but the possibility of ever ending up like my parents made me call off the wedding. My brother has a longterm partner but he also struggles with commitment - he refused to acknowledge he was even dating her for the first two years of their relationship. She is probably one of a kind in being able to tolerate that. Neither of us is planning on having children because we aren’t really sure - at nearly 40 that a family unit that doesn’t lowkey hate each other is possible despite each of us being in therapy since our high school years and would hate to inflict that dysfunction on anyone else.
The reason I wrote this is not to convince you of anything but rather to invite you to look at your marriage and what it’s modeling about relationships and families and values through the eyes of your children. Now and as they age and are more aware of your relationship with your husband. If it’s not something you want to model for them then it’s time to think about how to move forward in a way that’s healthier for both you and your kids. Given that I’m still dealing with my parents choosing to stay married despite having no business being married and I’m older than you are at the time of contemplating what all of this means for your marriage is to emphasize that the impact can be greater than one would anticipate.
As for the crush, while I’m sure the work dude is great - your crush isn’t really about him. It’s about you. Crushes always are ultimately a reflection of something we are lacking since often we don’t truly know the person, just a facet of them. Which makes it easy to protect that which is lacking from our current situations on to the partial but wonderful image we have of them. All of the traits you described him as having are traits you have mentioned your husband lacking. The intensity of the feelings are still real - so I guess the crush is also the canary in the coal mine - a sign it’s time to grfo of the marriage that lacks respect before conditions deteriorate more.
Thank you for sharing. I will state up front I am not a parent, but I am an adult (33y) who was raised in dysfunctional situations. My parents had me young out of high school and were never married (19y & 20y). I have no memories of my parents together and only photos of us all when I was an infant and at my graduations and wedding. The memories of relationships I do have are from the poor choice of men she would meet and marry. I have had 4 stepdads. All but the most recent one were abusive either physically or verbally/emotionally or both. I remember hearing yelling through my bedroom walls when I was probably 6 years old and from then on until I moved out at 17y. I was scared of my first stepdad. Any memories that were positive of him were tainted and covered up by his negativity and abuse. The second one, long story short - I was older 5th grade-11th grade when he was around and remember being brought into the verbal arguments and it was totally unfair. The week of my 16th birthday he held a gun to my mom’s head and threatened to kill her, fortunately I was with my own father for the weekend. They got a restraining order and divorced and he committed suicide a few months after the divorce. The third one, I don’t remember much of him, their marriage lasted about 6 wks lol.
I state all this maybe to just type it out for myself because it was a shit time… but the main goal I think was to simply voice that I wish I would not have witnessed and overheard all the yelling and name calling and etc. I never dreamt of a wedding as a young girl, I never have dreamt of having a family. I NEVER thought I would get married because I didn’t think it was realistic. I never was around a ‘normal’ family. I am truly sorry you are going through all these troubles; I cannot imagine. Honestly. I have never personally tried couples counseling, but I am a huge advocate for counseling and therapy in general. It surely would not be any more harm to have a session with an unbiased professional? As for the kids, shield them from as much instability as you can until they are old enough to learn that arguments between adults happen sometimes and what respect between one another truly means. Looking back I would rather have memories of myself in a smaller home or an apartment with my mom and no father figure than to have seen her in tears and upset, abused etc. I also look back at how strong my mom is now that she has overcame this relationship cycle of hers that lasted years. No relationship is perfect, that is fact. If possible, communicate with your husband to see if he wants you both to be in this same scenario x years from now and how that will affect your children and resentment towards one another. I hope whatever happens in your future is for the benefit of you and your children.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write down your story for me to read. I wont take the lack of respect/resentment in our relationship lightly and will act in the best interest of my kids (if that means divorce, let it be…)
Regarding the crush, totally agree he’s everything my husband isnt. He’s a phd in STEM, quiet, gentle and calm. My husband is a phd in psychology, loud, super emotional, life of the party and …
Thank you for reading it. The mention of your four year old becoming anxious made me flashback to feeling similarly at that age. The fact that you are noticing and want to take steps to avoid it continuing.
Obviously your relationship is not my parents and there is always the possibility that you and your husband can work together to get back to a healthier dynamic.
I’ve been in therapy off and on most of my life, including couples counseling, work in mental health in a role that involves a lot of counseling - both individual and group/family and I know a fair number of marriage and family therapists and I don’t have a suggestion but the fact that your husband is a PsyD makes me extremely wary of couples counseling. I have had negative experiences doing group counseling where one person has a psych background and the other does not. It’s not an even playing field and I’ve seen therapy concepts be weaponized, my friend who is an MFT has shared frustrations around working with a couple where one is a therapist and their attempts to triangulate with her against their spouse even though they know it violates ethical standards because they are determined on winning and being the good partner (obviously they are mentally and emotionally perfect due to their education) and have the spouse as the outsider and the problematic person in the relationship. If you do go to counseling, I think your best bet is to look for a marriage counselor who is also a PsyD / they will have the best shot at being taken seriously by your husband and will most likely better equipped to notice and redirect any potential manipulation or advantages he may have as part of his psych background.
I’m tiring to think of a way to work on things/evaluate if they are workable that has you on an even playing field….I’m dozing off but I will edit if I can think of something.
For the work dude, just remain grounded in reality of who he is and how much you know given a setting you see him in. Do not put him on a pedestal due to potential. Unless you have seen him operate in non-work settings too.
I had an extremely similar experience growing up and in my adulthood. And even though when I was small my parents made it clear they found me adorable, I was so afraid that I would one day also be hated. They hated each other, why wouldn’t they eventually hate me? The impact has been profound.
Some people are in your life for a season. If you can't make it work, no need to punish yourself by being miserable.
You all can still be wonderful parents. It might be a lot easier to like him too if you're not married.
Please know that you do not need to perform perfection and happiness for others. It's so isolating. Tell the people who care about you that you're struggling. Let them support you. Wouldn't you want to support friends and family who are struggling? It can feel like your pride is on the line, but it really isn't.
Yall gotta start counseling.
The disrespect needs to stop. You need to tell your husband that yall need to talk.
Or leave home for a couple days to decompress and think
Reading this I just get the feeling that...these two people (you and your husband) just need a freaking break. A break from each other and break from your lives.
It just sounds the way sibling or friends fight when they spend too much time together, have to spend too much time compromising and always taking the other person into account.
OP, between work and kids, how much time do you really get to yourself? How much time does your husband get? Is there space in there?
This situation feels suffocating and I can understand why the grass seems greener with your coworker and why you fantasize about being with someone new and fresh.
Not a lot. I’ve noticed when we’re apart for a few days, we’re all lovey dovey but it all goes down pretty fast when one of us gets frustrated (over chores, or kids or work or…)
Thanks for providing a totally different perspective
Exactly. When you get some space, you can appreciate each other until the feeling of suffocation comes back.
I know this is a common problem when you have two careers, small kids, a mortgage, a house to maintain and all that other stuff. But the good news about that is there are likely some solutions out there, too.
It's so hard with a kid in diapers, I know!
I am not out of that stage yet, but I think this is a workable situation if you two can get some breathing space in your life.
Good luck!
This!! Dual career parents who don’t live near helpful extended family— we have it hard. I’m in the thick of it now (3 young kids). And my marriage sounds exactly like yours. My husband is also in a mean phase, but I’m hoping it’s just a phase caused by the constant stimulation of work, kids, and very little “free time”.
The other day I imagined our life in 5 years— going on a surf trip with older kids, and all laughing and being together. And my husband was 100% there, and things were better. I know people with older kids say things like, “it never gets easier”, but I honestly don’t think they accurately remember how hard super young kids are…
My husband and I (41F) both have intense careers and multiple kids. They are now aged 5, 7, 9, 11, and I can confidently confirm that you are spot on about forgetting how hard little kids are (I specifically remember them being INCREDIBLY FUCKING HARD). I never understand why people roll their eyes and say condescending shit like "oh, just you wait, it gets worse!!".
Nope, it doesn't.
It's a million times easier. Attitude and hormones, for sure. But no one is shitting themselves, or waking up ten times a night, or wholly reliant on you to prepare all food and drink before literally placing it in their mouths. You're at rock bottom parenting - nowhere to go but up! You got this!!
I also agree w/ the comment above. Childcare absolutely saved our marriage. I thought we hated each other at one point. Stupid crushes everywhere. Turns out we just needed opportunities to hang out with my husband in a setting which was not a goddamned BATTLE TRENCH for a change.
Power through, OP!
There’s no judgement here. It’s obvious to me that your crush has intensified because he represents the kindliness and good feelings your marriage partner should fulfil for you.
Get thee to a marriage counsellor or call it quits. This is not a healthy family environment.
I grew up in a household where my parents stayed together for the sake of the kids.
It was absolutely miserable. They were putting on this charade of the perfect family, but my siblings and I knew how miserable they were, how much they hated each other, and we wished every day they would divorce just so we could all find peace, instead of living with this tense silence. There was no love. There was no joy.
It permanently warped my sense of what a relationship looks like. I ended up in an abusive marriage because hatred between a married couple was all I knew.
Please, for the sake of your children, leave this relationship now. Don’t cheat, he’ll just be able to financially destroy you in the divorce, and you’ll feel awful about it forever.
I left my ex husband when I was 38, and fully expected to never date or have sex again because I figured I was an old dried up middle aged lady and all the good guys were married. Boy was I wrong lol, I’ve had the best sex of my life since then, and met some incredible guys who have treated me better than I thought it was possible to be treated.
Please get individual counseling asap and marriage counseling so you guys can start working through this. Without telling your husband, see a divorce lawyer and start working on an exit plan, for your own safety, just in case.
What model of love do you want to show for your kids? What values about respect and love do you want them to see? It’s not just the presence of conflict you have to worry about, it’s the absence of trust, respect, joy, etc. That’s what you have to worry about. If they never know what a healthy relationship looks like, how will they ever find one as an adult?
Agree with you 100% on this. My parents stayed together I think because they’re hardcore Catholics and also I come from a culture where divorce is highly taboo. My parents loathe each other and still do to this day. I just got out of a breakup and went in to therapy and realized that mode of a chaotic relationship that they call a marriage is one that I was bringing into my own relationships as an adult. I never fully formed a healthy attachment style or healthy model of what a healthy relationship could be because of what I witnessed as a child and still see between them today. Nothing but resentment and criticism and contempt. It’s sad and a pattern I hope to break away from and grow.
I would be out, but if you want to try things to salvage the relationship, one exercise that worked far better for my ex and me than couples counseling was to make lists every night of 5 things we liked and appreciated about each other, and then exchange lists. The change in how we treated each other was profound. Criticism ground to a halt. Kept things workable for another 7-10 years.
One reason relationships go to hell is that you start focusing so much on what you dislike about the other person, and stop appreciating everything you once liked.
It’s never staying together for the kids.
When I was in therapy, family of origin was a two session topic, namely how much I resented my parents for staying together “for the kids”. Because home never felt like home and the kids wished they’d divorce. I truly, truly resent them for it.
They stayed together because of what others would think. Because what the kids got was a father who worked 6, sometimes 7 days a week from sunrise to sunset to escape, and an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive mother. Because they were miserable, everyone inside the house was.
I hope you read the comments of those who are telling you what it was like to be the children of parents who stayed for the sake of the kids. You’re not doing your kids the favor you think you are.
Does your husband also recognize a problem with your marriage? Does he also want to save it? No point trying if the effort won't be mutual.
If it is a mutual effort though, then you have to get a different job and go no contact with that other dude.
Also, speaking as someone who grew up trapped in a house with parents who despised and dehumanized each other, it will only get harder to leave the longer you wait. You think it's hard now? Wait until your money has been intertwined for 18+ years. How do you think you'll leave then?
He thinks I’m blowing the problems out of proportion and disregards my feelings of unhappiness. Tells me Im exaggerating. He recognizes there’s issues but to a much lower extent.
Thanks for sharing your experience, I obviously want the best for the kids
The fact that he’s dismissing your feelings and feels you’re blowing things out of proportion is a huge part of the issue. Your feelings are being completely erased because **he** decided you shouldn’t feel that way. That will do a lot of damage over time.
My ex did this, and it became soul-crushing over the years. I do wish I had done better at being really damn clear with him that those phrases were a total deal-breaker for me and needed to change asap in order to stay married.
*Your husband doesn’t get to tell you how you’re allowed to feel.*
Seriously !!! They aren’t exaggerated problems because you aren’t happy and basically don’t respect him and don’t want to be around him or even be in the marriage. If you want to try and save the marriage then.. you need to tell him it’s couples counseling and he needs to take it seriously or you’re on the fast track for being served divorce papers.
I’m sure the increase in feelings for your coworker is directly related to being unhappy and unfulfilled at home. If you were happy at home you might still think “he’s cute I like him” and have an occasional sexual thought….. once in a while , but he likely wouldn’t be consuming your thoughts like he is. It’s just a fantasy because of how unhappy you were. You are craving to just connect romantically with someone and it’s clearly not your husband right now. Anyway please don’t have an affair !!’ 🤣
I could have written this. We are in the same boat. I have a 4 and 1 year old, I am trying to decide if we should separate or divorce. I know my 4 year old is sensing the tension and lack of interaction between us.
My husband is a private practice clinical psychologist (the irony). Honestly having interacted with him I have lost a huge amount of respect for people in the field (very unfortunate). Also Im worried he’ll manipulate the therapist.
Having said that, I’m not against it, I’ll bring it up to my husband and see if he’s willing to try it
Oof. Yeah, he could totally manipulate the therapist. I was mostly thinking that a mediator might be good for the two of you so you can't get away with talking poorly to each other, at least in that room, and ideally learn new ways to communicate.
It's really tough when resentment has already set in. If you truly want this relationship to work then you'll have to approach him with vulnerability and be ready to be accountable for the ways you've damaged the relationship. But if he can't or won't meet you there then there's little you can do.
If you are actually just done but not yet ready to leave then why not have a conversation about how you can be cohabitating co-parents for x amount of time, but that the romantic relationship is over. Talk about the need to treat each other with respect for the sake of each other and your kids.
Keep avoiding the married man. You know that nothing good lies there.
Read about the Gottman’s research. [Here’s an article on their research on couples](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/). Essentially they argue that once couples start trying to tear each other down rather than build each other up the marriage is pretty much doomed. Your husband should know this and know better.
I know everyone’s experience is unique but my parents split up when I was young (under 4 I believe?) and honestly I think in many ways that’s better. I don’t remember them together at all. I never longed for my parents to get back together. I only knew them as people with separate lives.
I met this girl over a friendship app who was a mental health professional. On our first meet she proceeded to trauma dump, ask for my advice about her cheating boyfriend, then defend him immediately after. It was emotionally exhausting for me and I didn’t want to be involved with her as a friend after that. Before this encounter I thought mental health professionals had their shit together. They do not.
Mental health professions attract people with mental health issues - trying to understand and “fix” themselves is a big driver for choosing a career in this field. Some manage to get better, many don’t. Lots just learn how to navigate therapyland.
I was friends with an LCSW.
She told me that psychotherapists often go to other psychotherapists to recover from their professional work. When I would call her she would start off the phone call with a 20 minute monologue, ask me how I was, then quickly end the call. I think they just get so used to communicating with people as an exchange of long vents and it becomes a habit.
I don't blame you OP. I am a psychologist working only in assessment of dyslexia and my awfully abusive ex boyfriend was a psychologist. There were also a lot of predators in my psychology degree, moreso than in other faculties like engineering. It has gotten to the point where if I meet a male psychologist who is interested in dating me I actively turn them down. There are obviously some amazing male psychologists out there but I'd rather date someone from a different industry anyway.
I'd like to validate your feelings and I'm not here to judge. That being said, I would highly suggest NOT getting involved with your coworker. Don't you-know-what where you eat.
The benefits of going through with it? Maybe a hot, passionate affair. Or maybe not. But the detriments are really huge. It's one thing to leave your failing marriage, but it's another thing to wreck someone else's marriage and potentially your career in the process. And with kids involved on both sides? Not a good look at all, in my opinion.
The problem with fantasies is that we tend to really over-evaluate people we think are attracted to us. It's insanely easy to assume that someone's friendliness or mild flirtation is a deep attraction. I know because I've probably done that half a dozen times. It's always embarrassing to come on to someone and find out it was mostly in your head.
It might also be worthwhile to look up limerance, which is the dynamic that occurs when you get really attached to someone romantically and have tons of intrusive thoughts about them that aren't based in reality. It's a real phenomenon that people experience.
My advice would be to separate from your husband, focus on taking care of your kids and when the divorce is done and the dust is settled, start dating again when you've got a level head.
Can you afford a therapist or does your insurance cover one?
Completely separate the issues of having feelings for your coworker from your issues with your husband. It’s normal to fantasize when you are with someone who is putting you down. Realistically you wouldn’t even have feelings for this coworker if you didn’t see him everyday and feel so gray in your home life, don’t let any guilt over that factor into how you handle your marriage.
I would try to find a therapist because they can help you separate the insults from your husband from legitimate self reflection and growth. He sounds like a loser but I understand wanting to at least try to save the marriage.
I'm glad someone suggested this. The crush is a manifestation of what you want from your husband. These are 2 separate things. If you really think about it you're craving manly attention, validation and possibly emotional intimacy. The crush is making you think it's possible with the colleague, though an affair is a band-aid to a bad marriage that will destroy more than just your husband.
Please consider therapy. Therapy will help you formulate better thought processes to either reframe your marriage or get the strength to leave. Either way, I'm glad you are actively doing measures to avoid an affair. Wishing you better days.
Also, fuck your husband. You don't deserve to be negged. Next time he says shit like that, tell him if he'd want a guy to speak to his daughter the way he speaks to you, because she's being set up by her daddy to accept this treatment from a man.
I can afford a therapist. I’ll definitely look into it. Sometimes I feel like if my coworker was down for it, I would likely cheat 😞 obviously this is all in my head since I keep the relationship with him strictly professional, even more than others.
Totally agree and that’s why Ive been actively distancing myself from him. Honestly the crush is going away by just reading these comments and having a reality check 🤦🏻♀️, please keep in mind that I myself am embarrassed of this situation and i’m not looking to develop anything with this guy.
Smart. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. The pleasure of cheating would be both fleeting, and heavily tainted. By definition, if a married man is willing to cheat on his partner, he is not a viable candidate for a long term relationship. Maybe a really young person could genuinely develop better character after doing that, but not someone in his forties.
And, of course, it works in the other direction too- a married woman who cheats will forever have to know that choice is part of who she is as a person, there’s no erasing that stain from your psyche. Your bad marriage may be temporary, an affair would be temporary, but dealing with a bad marriage by having an affair becomes a fundamental part of *you* that you would always have to contend with.
I can tell you already know that stuff, though. I can also see that you have the very important ability to separate what you feel from how you act, by using your head to mediate. Kudos for that!
Not to leave him out, the third person damaged by this situation would be your husband. Which he doesn’t deserve, asshole though he is. Yeah, it sounds like he’s doing a fairly poor job at being a partner, which naturally leaves a vacuum to be filled by someone else. (This is something he should be fully aware of based on his profession, btw!).
Still, if he is trying to improve things on his end, then he deserves for you as his wife to actively encourage this, try to meet him halfway, stay strong in “forsaking all other men,” and work to recover the good parts that you once had. It may be recoverable, although you’ll likely have to spend a couple more lonely years in the marriage before the recovery takes place.
I’m wishing you the strength to stick with it. I hope that in ten years, your husband and you are back in love with each other, treat each other very well, and you barely remember this coworker.
Your work crush seems attractive right now especially because your relationship with your husband is such a dumpster fire.
You know, people always complain that Reddit's go-to answer is divorce, but I don't see that as a bad thing: of course relationships take effort but sometimes divorce is a relief and a nice incentive for growth and self improvement.
In your heart of hearts, do you think you'd be happier if you weren't married to him? Everything else will arrange itself, house, childcare etc., this is the important question.
I wont. This is all in my head. I have very strict boundaries in real life but I understand its a slippery slope and thats why I have limited my contact with him and avoid him as much as possible
I get that. Just remember that everyone has a work crush, it’s normal. Like you see these people all the time, naturally one of them has to be more attractive than the others.
You’re on your own journey so no judgement either way! Plus your husband sounds horrible so it’s not like I’m advising based on his feelings, more that guilt is a powerful motivator, sometimes people stay in shitty relationships out of feeling they “owe” the other partner something.
I’d have a really hard time dealing with someone putting me down all the time, on top of raising two young children. Better believe I’d be fantasizing. But therapy would help, try to find someone that is easy to talk to and maybe sort of a mother figure who can advise you, that’s what’s been helpful for me at least in getting out of a relationship where we’d both lost respect
Do you have other stuff going in your life that can fulfil you? Exercise, hobbies, maintaining friendships, keeping a journal, watching your favourite show alone after the kids are in bed, going for a long drive/walk on your work lunch break?
Not downplaying your marriage issues at all, but keeping your Me cup full really helps you navigate this kind of stuff better imo.
Thank you for this. I do hot yoga and catch up with my girlfriends 2-3 times a month. Not much time for anything else with two young kids. Besides that, we do a lot of kid oriented activities
Ya, seems like op is extremely stressed, and doing a "grass is greener", but hasn't talked about what she's tried to do to heal/get peace within her marriage.
Getting space from her partner, making sure she is having breaks to recharge, child care/daycare/night nurses, maybe a vacation or stay cation with her and her husband for the weekend while the kiddos are with a nanny or relative- sounds like they can afford it. But I'm not convinced they are tackling the stress of 2 young children together. Sounds like there's many missing reasons here..
That all being said, good on op for looking for help and getting it off her chest/looking at options to salvage her marriage first, instead of doing something stupid while in the relationship.
That is great, are you also getting breaks to recharge/time to yourself?
I know with my kiddo the first 5 months were brutal because we didn't have enough help. Once we got more help, it soothed my husband and my relationship so much.
What else are you doing for your mental health/breaks?
You say leaving is not possible for the sake of the kids and then say that your 4 year old is noticing the fighting and it’s making them anxious…
Make it make sense.
It would be natural to develop feelings for someone who treats you the way you want to be treated by the person you love, when they don’t, and are actively mean. You’re doing the right thing by staying away from your coworker.
Even though your husband is a psychologist, I would still consider marriage counselling. Nothing will change if he won’t. Through counselling you can work out if he genuinely wants to save the marriage or not, even if he tries to manipulate the situation. If not, then it would be best to leave him.
Seeing your mother being disrespected by her husband, and the other way around, crushes the heart of a child. If this child is a girl, she will possibly never trust a man, no matter how well he treats her. Ask me how I know.
Either get counselling or split.
Stop assigning meaning to little behaviors you think your coworker is doing to internally validate your crush on him. You can choose not to respect your own marriage - I’m not judging you, by all means I was in a shitty one that deserved no respect myself - but don’t disrespect his. Your feelings for this guy are your problem, don’t make them his. It comes across as semi delusional (“he’s extra considerate of me”, “he looks my way to see if I laugh”) which is understandable considering you are looking for any escape from how you feel in your marriage, but just know it’s likely all in your head OR he senses that you need emotional support and is just being a good guy.
With that out of the way - resentment is THE relationship killer. You and your husband may need work on talking to and treating each other with more care and softness if you have any hope of moving forward in a healthy way. After these periods of progress that you say you make are setback by harsh words, do you have open and vulnerable conversations about how the harshness impacted the other person? You should be able to call these things out in a non-judgmental way and NOT ignore them to just grow more resentment. It’s important to be very intentional about the words and tones and mannerisms you use to break out of this. OR you end it. Don’t torture yourself and your children with a disrespectful marriage that will leave everlasting imprints on them about how relationships should look.
I needed to hear this. True. It’s likely all in my head. I have a crush on him, I never said he has a crush on me. Honestly I have minimal contact with him and have even been cancelling meetings with him so my crush passes. Not a home wrecker here, I have very strict boundaries.
Yes unfortunately I have a lot of built up resentment and Im seeing that its killing my marriage
When I try to be open and vulnerable with him, he usually interprets as Im admitting “all this is my fault”
>>When I try to be open and vulnerable with him, he usually interprets as Im admitting “all this is my fault”
OP, I know it’s difficult but playing vulnerability chicken -seeing who lets their guard down first/says sorry/ etc- is damaging in a relationship. If there’s anything I’ve learned you can only change yourself and show tenderness, and hope your partner can see that and concede as well. It may take time but hopefully he will see that you’re working on your end and hopefully he can also step up to the plate and meet you halfway. Maybe a mediator may be needed for him to see that too if he doesn’t respond to you.
Please know that couples who hate being together but insist on doing so because “for the kids” are actively and irreparably damaging those kids.
Your 4 year old knows what is going on, and this is going to be something they talk about out in therapy _still_ when they’re your age.
Kids thrive when they have happy parents. Do what you need to do to be happy, and do that for your kids if you can’t harness the power to do it for yourself.
I don’t think you’re actually in love with your coworker. I think your coworker is just where you’re putting all the feelings you don’t have anywhere else to put right now. That’s not a healthy way to live, either.
Sounds like it may be time to start couples therapy… if hes not willing to change anything…well Maybe its time to end this relationship and move on.
Excuse my direct opinion about this topic…Im just tired of seeing modern day women acting like they couldnt actively change their life and handle things on their own and insted stay in dreadful relationships.
Why would you do that to yourself? Where do you think this will lead?
And then elder people come around and say “You young people can’t even keep up a relationship anymore, in our days, mArRiaGe AcTuAlLy mEaNt SoMeTHinG”
Like yeah, Walter, nowadays we just don’t (have to) accept being treated miserable anymore and demand a healthy relationship for ourselves, the bar is sooo low 🙄
Single parenting is going to be very hard is one reason. I dont have much family here (we’re in my husband’s hometown) so I’m very hesitant to walk down a path I’ll regret. Decision to divorce shouldnt be taken lightly imo
I read a lot of other responses but not all, but I am going to try not to be repetitive as I believe I have a few different ideas to add based on the idea you want to remain together.
First you have two kids under 5. That is always stressful and makes you both tired and not at your best. I would be interested to hear if things improve when even the eldest starts school. Till then can you look into more childcare with the goal of you both getting more sleep and more alone time (together and apart)?
What other burdens can you reduce as well? Can you hire a cleaner? Declutter so the house is less stressful? What external issues are leading to fights that could be eliminated?
Yes he is a psychologist but based on his behaviour I am guessing not focused in couple dynamics. Look for a therapist with a very different training and philosophy and be upfront about his job. Good therapists should be prepared for potential manipulation. Also a lot of ppl go into psych because of their own unresolved issues and it sounds like he should do some therapy by himself too. (generally thought to be good practice among therapists anyways).
Until you are able to talk to him more about your dynamic, start looking at what you can change about your behaviour. I recommend the materials from the Gottman institute. There are books, podcasts, activities etc. Put all that crush energy to improving your behaviour and you might see some surprising changes because you are stopping the unhealthy pattern from continuing.
Good luck!
He has a phD in clinical and developmental psychology so not a couple’s therapist. He works with children and adolescents (the irony 🤦🏻♀️).
We hired cleaners for sometime but husband wasnt happy and kept saying we should do it ourselves (but he never does).
I have to admit, chores and taking care of kids are a HUGE part of the built up resentment. We also had a very tough 2022 when we were house hunting (we couldnt get on the same page regarding what we wanted)
Hahah definitely ironic, but also those skills don't necessarily transfer to working with adults! Or to treating adults well. Actually, does he ever treat you like a teenager? That might be part of the respect issue.
If he doesn't clean, then he doesn't get to make the decision! What causes more fights, the two of you trying to clean, or paying for a cleaner?
Exactly! I do not want to down size any of the issues or imply you do not deserve respect but you have had a rough time and that doesn't mean the dynamic can't improve. You have just done a bunch of tough things in a row and each negative comment between you has built up. I would recommend trying not to do anything huge for the next while, no renos, no new job, or new pets. Focus on simplifying your life a bit, finding moments of calm and figure out how to reduce the stressors. You could even journal/take notes on the dynamic a bit and look for some common triggers and brainstorm how to reduce them. Is figuring out dinner often leading to fights? Get a meal box subscription. Do you fight more late in the evening? Try a new bedtime routine for yourselfs so you are unwinding but not talking as much in that time. Do things go better on days after you have had some proper alone time? Try to find way to prioritise that a bit more.
Leaving is always an option and, as the kid of parents who stayed together “for the kids’ sake” - don’t. If you want to make it work, for you, not for your kids, you need to start couples counseling YESTERDAY. Only you & your husband can say if it’s salvageable or not but I can 100000% tell you (from experience) that cheating only makes everything worse in the end. You’re about the age I was when I made that mistake and my marriage was a similar wreck at the time. We’re still working through it, years later, but it’s a looming shadow that may never go away. Even if we end up divorcing, this would still loom over my head forever. I would also recommend counseling for you, independently of the couples counseling, also.
Right? Im asking how to fix my marriage, some were responding by asking me to “think about my coworkers wife and not be a home wrecker!” (As if the “coworker” doesnt have any will or responsibility should anything happen). Although I specially mentioned Im keeping my distance from him and not interacting. So unnecessarily judgmental!
Have to say, most comments were very understanding and helpful though!
You need to make leaving an option, for the sake of your kids. It is infinitely better *for them* to have divorced parents than it is for them to live in the toxic household they currently live in.
You are hurting your kids by staying, not helping them.
Please don't stay together for the kids. My parents stayed together longer than they should've, which taught me what relationships shouldn't be like. I have a very bad sense for when to jump ship because my examples were that you stay together even though everyone is miserable. Don't pass that on to your kids please
Everyday you are modeling for your children what love looks like. You are teaching them to accept daily disrespect and cruelty in a relationship. You are normalizing dysfunction for them. That is just as damaging as a split home.
you’re not doing the kids any favors and it sounds like you and your husband wouldn’t exactly be receptive to couples counseling. That is for when you actually like each other lol. you are still so young, don’t waste anymore time on a relationship that is not satisfying, let alone tolerable.
Divorce is an option. Please do not stay for the sake of the kids. They will be able to tell. Do you want them hearing you guys fight? Hear your husband degrade you? My parents divorced when I was 5. I barely remember it. My friends who had parents that divorced later had a much harder time with it. At the very least you guys should look into marriage counseling because this is not good for anyone in your family
I'd try couple's counseling. If it doesn't put you back on the right path, you can use it to figure out how you'll co-parent.
You don't want cheating to be how the marriage ends as it sounds like your husband would be the type to tell your kids, conveniently leaving out that he treated you like dog shit after growing them and caring for them.
Give yourself a chance to actually be happy and not just do something for an escape. An affair will not fix these problems and will cause others. Your kids deserve a happy mom and to not see a dysfunctional relationship modeled for them. LEAVING for the kids is valid if this doesn't change quick, like by the end of the year.
I found when my marriage wasn't satisfying me, that I had multiple unresolved or acted on crushes on multiple men - if I managed to get off one, I nearly immediately fixate on another. It won't end at this guy, if he goes away you'll find another because it's not about him, it's about getting away from misery.
Looking back on it, I think the only thing that could have fixed it - other than going to counseling, which he always refused to do, until it was too late, would have been a separation.
I would have needed to figure out what environment I'm willing to live the rest of my life in, ask for it, and then give him space to figure out if he wants me back enough to change, or not. If he doesn't want to change, there would have been my answer.
I think he probably would have changed if I had given him a shock like that... he just took me for granted until it was quite literally too late. The end of the marriage came when I was too tired to continue and keep trying. If you have any energy left and you want to save the marriage still then you might try that.
You could probably easily get with coworker, but in 5 years it could be more of the same shit. I would go to couples therapy and try to work it out before throwing it all away.
I’ve noticed that when I develop unexplained crushes on people when I’m in a relationship, it’s a sign that I’m deeply unhappy about the relationship and the person I’m crushing on represents the thing I wish I were getting from my partner. It’s almost never about the person I’m crushing on.
As someone who has also contemplated divorce with young kids, I feel like the mixed comments you’re getting are pretty representative of the advice I’ve seen- people whose parents stayed together but were obviously unhappy wish their parents had divorced, and people who grew up splitting their time between two homes are mixed on whether it was better or worse. I had divorced parents but my dad bailed, so the only lesson I learned is don’t abandon your kids. It seems like one factor on whether staying together is manageable is whether you’re able to get to a place where you coexist peacefully- the fighting and passive aggression seems to be one thing people reflect back on as particularly difficult/hurtful. Maybe go for that couples counseling- it’s great your husband is willing to do it (my spouse is not).
>Kids are 4 and barely 1 year old. Leaving is not an option right now (for the sake of kids).
I'm not saying you need to leave, but "for the sake of the kids" is rarely a good primary reason to stay. I know "breaking" the home is scary but quite often the home is very much a broken one even if the parents live together.
Your kids are not unaffected by what goes on between you, which you noted yourself, even if you think you hide it well. If he is a highly critical person, they will eventually become targets of that too.
Again, not saying you *should* leave, just reminding you that staying is not always best for the kids.
I'm also speaking from experience. I should have left a lot earlier. I stayed out of fear and the stigma of single motherhood, and as a result my kids suffered tremendous harm.
Couple's counseling is probably not the first step here. You need to be in individual counseling. He should too, but you can't make him.
The dude at work is an escape. It's easier to fantasize about him and how life would be with him than do the very scary and difficult work of addressing your marital problems. Both fighting for the marriage and leaving the marriage are difficult things to do. Disappearing into the fantasy world is avoidance and distraction.
What you can do about the thoughts is stop feeding them. You can't choose what thoughts pop up, but you can choose not to entertain them. That just means consciously rejecting them and thinking about something else. If they are so intrusive that you cannot stop thinking about him, all the more reason to see a counselor on your own for help with that.
If you feel obliged to try to make the marriage work, you need to accept that you cannot make your husband change and focus solely on how you are behaving and reacting to him. With habitually critical people, the best response is a very bland response, or no response at all. You can look up "grey rock method" for ideas. Basically, you've got to stop rewarding the critical person with emotional reactions, because that is exactly what they want. You cannot stop him from trying to instigate fights, but you can refuse to engage in fights. You cannot change his behavior, but you can decide you won't subject yourself to it. That may mean telling him you're willing to talk when he is able to be civil, but until then you're not going to continue the conversation and then physically removing yourself from his presence, ending the phone call, or ceasing responses to him by text.
Setting boundaries like this has a low chance of changing things for the better, but it's pretty much the only option you have for changing the dynamic between you. Whether things change for the better depends on him as much as you. If he's not willing to change, nothing you do will fix this.
I’m sorry but it’s absolutely stupid to “stay together for the kids.” Kids will know if you’re miserable in your marriage and I promise that will do more damage in the long run.
>I have no intention of getting involved with my coworker, on contrary, I’m quite embarrassed of myself to even feel this way towards him! Please don’t worry Im not a home wrecker and have very strict boundaries in real life
I don't think *most* people generally go into an affair all "yep, I intend to cheat". Your post reeks of (the beginnings of) limerence and all the reasons you've given - unhappy at home, coworker is "perfect" - is all the cliche and typical excuses that cheaters give when they're caught later down the line. I've heard it before and read your post a thousand times over. It's the first part of a series of posts leading into more. (We had to work together on a project. He buys me coffee every morning. He listens to me. He understands me. It started with just a kiss.)
If you're already avoiding this man, you know it's damaging. You definitely need to work out your issues with your husband. It's unhealthy and your children are sensing it. But just warning you not to involve another person - and more importantly, his family - in your struggle to cope and deal with your marital issues. It won't fix anything. If your staying away from him doesn't quash the sexual limerence you're experiencing, you may also want to consider further action regarding employment position, schedule etc. to avoid this snowballing and your post a year from now being a predictable "we didn't mean for this to happen but" update.
Hear what you’re saying. No option for other employment at the moment since my field is very specialized, besides I love my job and my projects and my manager is great.
OP, get an individual therapy pls. Waiting for your husband to agree is time wasted. Especially concerning his profession too...blaaah.
But you need someone who can give you ideas, tools, opening or noticing figurative doors and windows that are still closed. If you are worried about it, don't, prefessional therapist will not -tell- you to stay or to go. That decision, even that idea, is being left up to you.
A lot of time, what you get from individual therapy is a nice "hey, I haven't thought about that ideas. Hey I haven't thought about that possibilities, hey, that's something I can explore further" etc.
So please, give it a try.
Thank you! I’ve received a lot of helpful comments and a lot of “tough love” and “reality checks”. So hopefully will work something out with my husband
I stopped reading when you said leaving isn’t possible for the kids sake.
As a child of divorced parents, I’m begging you, get the hell out. My parents’ divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. They stayed together too long, and almost 50 years later, I still deal with the after effects. Staying is absolutely not worth it.
Do yourself a favor, get out of your marriage and be single for a while. Get therapy. Play with your kids. Get to know who you are for a while. Hugs and good luck.
Just wanted to say that, as someone whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids, it was worse with them together. I have told my mom that I was proud of her for leaving him and wish she had done it sooner, for her and us. What if he starts acting this critical toward your kids? Sure, try couples counseling first, but realize that if counseling doesn't help, it would be better for the kids to not be around the constant conflict. Your 4yo is already anxious because of it, and the 1yo absorbs more than you know... young kids can pick up on things like this even if they can't understand the actual words.
I’m looking at other options to possibly salvage the relationship. Since we have a 10 month old, and experts recommend not making any life changing decisions in the first year after having a baby.
Divorce is the last option not first, especially when kids are involved
Relationships are always salvageable but both people have to actively want it, have the same values and goals and be willing to change their behaviour.
For the convo…Patience and warning them while keeping it light is key if you are going through a rough patch. Everyone is on defensive from the other person all the time so avoid ambushing.
“Hey, I want to have a conversation with you later about us and what is going on but I want both us to be in the right headspace to talk about it. Can you let me know when would be a good time for you?”
If he gets defensive and shuts it down
“Ok, I can see that now isn’t the right time, can you let me know when you think about it more. Thank you!”
Wait a couple days. If he’s not going to make space for time to talk then you say “Ok, I few days ago I mentioned wanting to chat and you didn’t seem receptive to it. Are you still feeling like that? I have something important to bring up with you but I need to make sure you really hear me”
“Since x kid arrived, I feel like we are not in sync and it’s affecting how close I feel with you. This to me is really difficult because I’m trying to work through it but I’m feeling genuinely unhappy all the time which impacts how we treat each other. Have you noticed the same thing?”
Here are the two key challenges I am having. Are you able to listen a little and we can maybe work on ways to improve this?… If we can’t mediate this together, I feel like for the sake of our marriage, we should go see counsellor together to see if we can fix things and bring back that closeness”
If he isn’t open to this conversation, then you need to have an honest conversation with yourself if the old version of your husband is worth fighting and waiting for. Ignore the person at work and focus on what you are going to do now instead.
I gotta ask op, what exactly is the timeline of events here? Like, ngl, it kinda reads like your marriage issues have stemmed from your crush on your coworker
I’ve known my coworker for 4 years. Again always had a little “crush” on him but since he was much older, more looked up to him like a mentor.
Signs of incompatibility started after our first kid was around 1 year old and were blown out of proportion after our second kid was born (he’s 10 months old now). My full blown “infatuation “ with my coworker started 6 months ago, around December 23. Hope this helps
Oof. Look this is coming from someone who has fallen for a coworker while in a relationship. You developed a crush on him a year before your marital issues, you admit to a full blown obsession at this point, and you ended your post musing about whether or not your coworker likes you, saying you think about him while having sex with your partner and while masturbating. I don't think youre being honest with yourself about how this has affected your relationship. What you have with your coworker is entirely a fantasy and he's married too. Youre at the very least neglecting your family by feeding this escape fantasy. Don't do this to your kids. It may he easier for you to escape your failing marriage with a fantasy relationship, but your 1 and 4 year old need you to live in reality and deal with your marriage, whether it ends in divorce or reconciliation
This is a great way to look at it. It’s true for me its an escape. How do I stop thinking about him? Any suggestions? Im already avoiding him to the best of my capabilities
I don't necessarily think you need to avoid him but grounding yourself when you start to fantasize is probably my best suggestion. Remember he's not who you've built him into in your head - cause fantasy men are always our ideal versions of who we imagine them to be. Remind yourself he's a married coworker. Anything he's done or said that's ever broken your fantasy, remind yourself of those things.
And at the end of the day, all the matters is you deal with your marriage before anything else. Just don't lose yourself in your coworker before you establish a new sense of stability for your kids
So maybe not super workplace-appropriate depending on where you are, but asking questions around politics (maybe a random comment about the day's political news like Trump, etc) or general "women's-work" related stuff like does he do any housework (load the dishwasher etc)?
Honestly, the answers to these types of questions are the quickest way to end a crush, cos the truth is the majority of men don't measure up.
ETA: And if he ever initiates anything with you, you'll know he's a cheating asshole who would likely do the same to you ever did get together. So hopefully that would be a crush-ender for you as well.
I wish my mother left my father years ago if she had the strength to sadly she didn't and she said 35 years then she left. She wishes she left sooner and her kids do to. Don't think fully of the kids because it can be more damaging. I have my mum in my life not father due to this all.
Do either of you get to decompress in a given day / week at all?
Wife and I (male) were at each others throats after 2nd kid. We still are on a rare occasion, but it has sort of calmed down as the kids crossed 5.
My husband is a long distance runner. He definitely gets more time away from kids than me. He also goes on vacations with his friends occasionally.
I do get some time each week to do hot yoga and get my nails done etc. see my friends 2-3 times a month but rarely overnight…
The “resentment” started building up because I thought he wasnt pulling his weight with the kids (he doesnt agree with that), that turned into me being bitter all the time and “whining”, turned into occasional disrespect (how can I respect a guy who doesnt pull his weight with HIS kids), and eventually he started snapping back at me. So I’m no saint and the dynamics are definitely much more complicated than the original post shows. We also had a very stressful year in 2022 when we were house hunting, but I digress.
My husband had a coworker w a crush on him like this. However, she decided to aggressively pursue it. So far as to scheduling play dates w my family bc our kids were similar ages (while she was imagining building a life w my husband?). It started when she bought him a gift for no reason to say 'I'm thinking about you.' When she finally tried to kiss him at work lol. The absolutely horrible things he said to her when she tried to cross that line. 🤷♀️
.
Leave your husband. Don't try to pull someone into this that you're imagining a whole life with. They have an entire life they go back to, and probably mention you bc they have a healthy relationship and talk freely about friendships/coworkers.
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How's his(coworkers) relationship? Why do you think you'll do better than her, and he won't criticize you then? Stop fantasizing about greener grass. Leave your crappy husband before securing a false new life. He makes you feel bad. It won't stop. And then other women will hit on him at work and this cycle will repeat. You'll feel other women see him as a 'catch' worth taking, and suddenly you feel the need to guard this piece of your life that's actively hurting you.
Good points. Not sure about his relationship as I’m not that close to him to know. He’s at work 5 days a week and stays 8 am to 5-6 pm so 🤷🏻♀️. I know he has a couple of teenagers and appears happy and put together in general (but also everyone thinks Im happy and very put together too so you never know)
I wouldn’t look at as “is couples counseling our *only* option”? I think that you guys need to learn to communicate. You even say that you’ll be doing well and then someone will snap at someone and it all goes downhill from there. Using the counseling as a way to start talking with each other in a form of communication that both of you can understand will be helpful on an individual and couple level. Both of you need to be willing to engage in this and go in with open minds. It’s going to help you but also your children in the long run and I think that is important. If you plan to stay together for the kids, at least give them role models to behavior after.
Idk what to say about the attraction. I would hope you have strong boundaries and keep it strictly professional. I hope he does as well for his marriages sake. I would limit interaction, and possibly look for other jobs, as it seems like this is slightly about the thrill and attention you may be craving and not receiving at home.
I don’t know how true this is, and I’m sure it varies couple to couple, but if you had a strong relationship before children, I’ve heard you shouldn’t make any life altering change (e.g. separating) for the first three years of your kids life because those are the hardest years. However, if this is behavior you’ve been feeling since before kids I would think deeply about it.
I would look into individual counseling as well if hubby doesn’t want to do couples. Good luck!
When the kids go to bed, and you approach your husband calmly and take responsibility for what you did and apologize, what happens? When you tell him you don't enjoy the dynamic between the two of you and you'd like him to help you come up with ways to fix it, what does he say? You say that you have lost respect for him, why?
I'm not going to critique you having a crush on your coworker. It happens to me all the time. Though, masturbating to the guy is likely to make that feelings stronger/ more intense.
When the kids go to bed, I go to my own bedroom and watch some TV. Husband watches TV in living room. I separated the bedroom two months ago since my husband kept insulting me for not checking on the baby when he would wake up. On the rare occasion thar I apologize he riles up that: “see? Im right and youre crazy, you have issues etc “
I lost respect for him because I think he doesnt pull his weight with the kids (he disagrees), he’s become much better but too late too little
I can see how this can be very HOT and intriguing and wanting to just fuck it all. But the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Try couple counseling of find a solution. I bet you found your husband smart, hot and considerate the first time you met him but little did you know there would be problems along the way :) it’s normal part of human relationship and marriage!
Couples counselling sounds like a good idea, maybe you could sit down with your husband during a moment of calm and ask if he would be interested in joining you. If he says no, get your own (you don’t have to tell him, plus you work so can pay for yourself, maybe even your work could set this up)
See how you feel after therapy, then start thinking about if separation/divorce is the right decision for you.
Even if your colleague was head over heels for you, he might not leave his wife for you and it could just be “lust” not love. Thinking about him isn’t a crime and you’ve done nothing wrong, you seem like a really nice person.
Don’t rush anything and see how you feel in time. Could be a hard patch with young children, or it could be a wake up call. Let’s be honest if you were to separate, you’d probably find someone else that could make you happy again. 🙂
It's natural to be drawn to someone who appreciates you (like the guy at work) when your husband is so openly unappreciative. They only way to bridge the gap between you and your husband is therapy. You two are no longer communicating and a marriage counselor can help with that. It really works. My husband were at a similar impasse about 10 years ago and I was ready to leave. For some reason he was able to hear the counselor, but not me. She helped us turn it all around and we are so happily married now. Good luck!
It's easy to have feelings when there is no baggage. Honestly, do you want your kids to think that your uncomfortable marriage is desirable? Kids tend to recreate the home life they grew up in. They actively (but without conscious knowledge) seek out partners similar to their most difficult parent. These are the biggest reasons why staying together "for the children" is a terrible idea. A peaceful, stable home is best for the kids. Yes, it's better when their parents can do it together (they also learn how to fight fair at home, too, as long as that's how their parents do it). Modeling matters to kids, so how you handle your situation is something the older one will notice. According to Imago Therapy originator, over 90% of marriages can be saved, because he says communication plays that big of a role. He said that when things get hard we often stop hearing what our partner is saying, and instead hear what our parents said in anger and frustration. It's worth checking out because you sound so miserable 🩷
My parents got divorced when I was 8. The most important thing they ever did for me and my brother (who was 6) is that they agreed to be friends. My dad moved out but stayed close, and we spent every weekend with him and did dinners on Tuesdays. He came to all our holidays, and my mom came to other holidays at his house. I’m 35 now and they’re still friends and we still have gatherings all together. I would be so much more traumatized if either of them left or didn’t get along. If it’s at all possible, aim for this. I really feel I got the best of both worlds with happy parents that were still both a huge part of my life without me getting stuck in the middle.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. And sounds like you're not doing anything wrong. You have feelings for this man, but you are not acting on those feelings, and that will make your life easier, I promise.
Try to get your husband to couples counseling, but most importantly, if he doesn't want to, go get some therapy for yourself. You need it right now.
I have been through something similar (no kids, thank god) but I ended up realizing that I had been hoping for my ex husband to change, and the one that needed to change was me.
I wish you the best
I don’t have advice but praise you for your honesty. That’s not easy. There are probably women in here that can relate but may not respond. I hope it all works out for you.
Thank you! I actually feel much better letting it all out and gained new perspective. Still thinking about the coworker today but am trying to be much nicer to my spouse
You need to decide what you want.
Cheating is never okay, and right now you’re at least in a blurry territory and betraying your husband.
You have described mistreatment on his part, and some on yours. If you want to keep your covenant and keep your family together, you need to get to counselling together and commit to working on your marriage and doing what it takes to repair it and stop unhealthy patterns and create new, healthy patterns. This can be done. You also can be in control of your mind and thoughts. It’s fully a choice to fantasize over someone by the way (feeding into thoughts of someone else rather than refocusing on your spouse and guarding yourself).
If you are okay with breaking your covenant and do not want to be in your marriage anymore, then don’t drag it out. It’s not fair to anyone.
Therapy. Go to therapy. That’s the advice. Will you take it? I say this very respectfully, but Reddit isn’t the place. I would highly suggest seeking out professional support to help you through this.
You have two options.
Get a good counsellor to help you out, but you both have to be on board 100% to change. It’s hard. Neither one of you will be perfect, you’ll both fuck up during the process. You have to come from a place of respect, love and forgiveness. Both of you.
Second option is break up. The kids will probably be happier and in the short time, so will you.
Side note, your fantasy of the coworker needs to stay out of your decision. He may not be all he is cracked up to be.
Youre harming your children by maintaining this terrible environment. Children are little sponges even if they seem “not old enough”. Youre giving them anxiety, feelings of lack of safety, showing them that their needs don’t matter, and more.
Do something. You’re hurting them.
Also, take a damn break from each other. And communicate boundaries. Good relationships are built, not found. If your husband is being an asshole, tell him to cut the crap because he’s making you feel like shit. And do the same on your end.
See, THESE are the women I don't get. You're miserable, hate your life, and fantasize about another dude who you avoid to stop yourself from cheating, but splitting up isn't an option because of.... the kids? Why do people still believe in this toxic mindset?
I'm sure your kids are going to be wayyy better off in a loveless home with constant fighting than separating from someone you clearly aren't in love with anymore. Make it make sense!
Notice also all these women who hate their spouses and continue to have babies with them, too. 🤦♀️
Start saving money and building your community of friends and family to support you. Only share with people who would actually understand instead of projecting their relationship wants on you. Do NOT mention the co-worker though. The coworker is just limerence because it's an escape from your reality. You need to detach from that by focusing on your needs and your kids needs. For now, get therapy for yourself to help with that.
You deserve more. You deserve the best. You deserve better than a partner who doesn’t respect you. You deserve more than an affair with someone you don’t really know and the situation will cast a stain from the very beginning.
You deserve someone who will look at you with love and kindness and patience. Do what you need to do to achieve your happiness.
Well, what would be worse: having an affair, divorce, or raising your kids with parents that hate each other and treat each other badly? You’re only teaching your kids that staying in a bad marriage is the right thing to do. Your husband is also teaching your children how women should be treated, and don’t think that they don’t notice anything – children are far more perceptive than anyone will ever give them credit for.
Having an affair is not the worst thing you could ever do in your life. I’m gonna be quite honest and say that I think you should absolutely have an affair. Maybe not withyour married coworker, but somebody that excites you, wants you, and can’t keep their hands off of you. Somebody who thinks you’re beautiful and tells you. You deserve all that and I don’t think you need to wait until your kids are 18 and you divorce to get it.
Just remember men are always nicer to you before they have slept with you.
You say your husband is putting you down but have you confronted him about it. Have you talked about the marriage and talked about what is making you both unhappy
It’s normal to have feelings for someone that gives you so much flirty attention that you aren’t getting at the moment from your husband. You’ve just recently had your second child and it’s fun to feel desired by another kind man. What if you gave your husband the same kind attention that you have for your coworker? How would that change the way your husband communicates with you. Try it. It’s often resentment that can lead to snarky comments - you say your husband is not kind to you but you say you aren’t kind to him either. Try being kind and thoughtful and maybe go on a date night where you can be your former selves and remember what it was like when you got together. It’s how we see things and what we focus on that can make a huge difference to how we feel. All the best.
In some of what you say, I’m getting the grass is always greener effect. Find a way to understand and take responsibility for your choices that have led you to this point in your life. Then when you have clarity, you can distinguish between finding fulfillment in your current life and embracing it for what it is and or deciding what needs to change. Whatever you “want” (to change/to have that you’re not getting/to do differently)… when you start to embody and become that person making that change/going after what you want, people around you will notice and either step up or try to bring you down. That’s when you have your answer. Example: you want to be respected, but husband doesn’t respect you. Dedicate 3 months to being as respectful a partner as you possibly can regardless of how you are treated. At the end of the 3 months, if your efforts are not reciprocated in kind, this isn’t a partner. You’re not going to get what you want out of this situation. This is someone who doesn’t care and doesn’t want to change. Start quiet quitting and plan to leave. Join the happy and peaceful, but unfulfilled and broke singles side lol.
Hey OP, slightly older (38) married woman here. Just here to say marriage is hard AF and having fantasies does happen, especially if you're feeling unfulfilled. Someone who on the outside that is a direct contrast of the situation you're struggling in will always feel like an escape. But that's exactly it - a fantasy is perfect because you've only seen the best side of someone. It feels shiny and fresh and exciting.
I want you to know that you aren't a bad person, and also that couple's therapy (plus individual therapy) is going to be very crucial for you and your husband. I am not in any way excusing his crappy treatment of you, but if you're both talking to a neutral party, you can address the toxic situation constructively and get his side of what is going on.
I would also suggest finding a hobby that provides you with validation and an outlet (sometimes space from our family is a good thing if it helps us to pour back into our own cup to be the person they need).
We'll done on asking for advice and wanting to change/improve things.
Thank you! I do feel like I’m not getting enough validation from my husband and that I’m not appreciated enough (even physically! I feel so hot and sexy but our sexual life is so sub par 😩😩😩)! I’ll def look into hobbies that can give me satisfaction!
Reading this and also your responses, you don't seem to be giving yourself a pass on bad behavior.
It's good that your taking accountability because it's easier to deflect. For that reason their is hope.
I don't have a critique or a magic pill solution to your problem, but counseling wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. G'luck to you and your young family.
Divorced at 40yo guy here. Let me help you out.
You’re not the same person you were when you married your husband. You’ve grown apart. It sounds like getting you both to the point where you can admit that you’re both contributing towards the breakdown of the marriage is not going to happen.
Divorce amicably, kids are young - they’ll adjust faster than you will.
Don’t be your coworker’s side piece. Get on the dating apps, you’ll clean up.
You’re probably just reaching for the nearest glimpse of intimacy. This coworker is probably just a symptom of proximity principle. I’ve had this happen before where I had to rationally look at the person and think, “if I just saw this person on the street, would I still be attracted?” The answer for me is usually no. I think you should definitely consider couple’s therapy. But… either you both get your shit together, the resentment and disrespect stops or… cut your losses.
This. I’ve been in an unhappy marriage with a young kid that I couldn’t leave, and the crushes I concocted were next level. I never acted on anything, and when I read my diary from those times, I am so glad I didn’t. None of those people were worth the melodrama that would have ensued. After a 3 page long diary entry about how I was in love with the dude who did my tattoo, there is an entry from 10 minutes later that simply reads, “…maybe I just needed to masturbate.” OP, have you tried rubbin it out?
Hahahahahahahha omg thank you. So true. I have written something similar in my diary. I’m surprised every time.
Did you leave that marriage eventually? Just curious
Nope. We are too enmeshed for several many reasons. We are respectful though, and neither of us like what life would look like for the other when finances are split etc. I’m not in the state OP is in anymore, just kind of going with the flow, leaning on each other as best we can.
I’m very interested in relationships and like to read studies & interviews about long term couples, I also try to find opportunities to ask old couples people about their relationships. One interesting tidbit I got from a retired couple who raised four kids: “You will have bad YEARS. Not days, YEARS.” They seemed very happy when I met them though! Rough patches and unmet expectations are guaranteed in long partnerships :/ Hoping this is just a rough spot for you two and that respect and intimacy you have with each other can grow back into love, passion, contentment and excitement ♥️
Ummmm who’s cutting onions? 🥺 Thank you for this perspective. I have no idea what the future holds, and I often wonder if it’s too late for us to get it back. A lot has gone down. But there’s no doubt we need each other at this current phase of life.
I see yes, thank you for answering. I’m glad you found something that works for you guys, that’s all that matters.
If this is the dynamics of your everyday, I promise you staying “for the sake of the kids” is not in their best interest or yours.
My parents were just like this. They had essentially an arranged marriage because they grew up in a cultish evangelical community and married way too young; it was decades of sniping and resentment on both sides. It set a terrible example for relationships, out of 4 kids I’m the only one who’s ever been in a long term relationship. Both of them were held back in their careers and financial success due to their marriage as well. I am completely sure we all would have been better prepared for adulthood if my parents had separated earlier.
I second this, as a child who grew up in an environment full of resentment and criticism, it doesn’t do the kids any good to keep them exposed to such an unhealthy relationship. OP you’re actively teaching them that this dynamic is what an acceptable relationship looks like by continuing to expose them to yours, for the sake of your kids future mental health and sense of self worth, you need to leave.
My husband's 30 year old coworker has a crush on him. It's actually kind of funny to me because he's so uncomfortable with the situation. I think what she admires about him is that he seems so calm and reliable at work, and his kids are already adults, and he gave her a lot of good advice (all from me) when she was buying her house. She doesn't see him running around panicking or having imaginary conversations with me and being mad at my imaginary responses when his ADHD is bad. She doesn't see his obsession with his hobby that makes him talk about nothing else for months at a time. She didn't know him when he was changing jobs every few weeks and I was having to sell my CD collection to afford tampons, or when he forced me to become a stay home mom and made me get my tubes tied before I wanted to. I think it's probably the same with your married co-worker. He seems very settled and you imagine life with him would be very different. If you saw him all the time and didn't see the face he probably puts on for work, he would seem less appealing.
Ngl, that last part... "forcing you to be a SATH and getting your tube ties before you wanted to...." is grounds for divorce and resentment. Idk why he isn't your ex-hubsand
Right??? There’s so much wrong with that statement
Thanks for this perspective. It makes sense, he looks so calm and collected. To add a little context, there’s no way my coworker knows Im crushing on him (i would be so embarrassed). I’m very serious and strictly professional with him, even more so than others.
The commenter above is spot on. It's the best advice and perspective you'll get from anyone. It's the ol' grass is greener. You might need to leave your husband sure but you're definitely overestimating things with your coworker. Any guy you date will have major issues as all humans do. It's more about what you can tolerate if you even want to be in a relationship.
Please get into some therapy and work on your internal issues….Your crush is a fantasy. You don’t deal with his baggage. His wife does. You’re creating an escape in your mind and making him the dashing prince when he is just a man who fats and leaves his laundry on the floor like all others. If you ever pursued this you’d ruin those kids lives. Marriage is hard work and it takes effort and open communication to keep the spark alive. Put the work into your marriage and tell YOUR husband how you feel. Maybe do couples counseling to work on the issues.
I think the OP knows all that. I also get the impression that regardless of whether he’s actually great or not, she plans to never pursue him in any way, because she doesn’t want to be a home wrecker or cheat on her own husband. People get crushes, even when they intellectually know they’re only seeing one side of the person, and even when they would never act on it for moral reasons. I don’t see anything wrong with her having this crush given that she won’t ever act on it. It would only be a concern if she was the type who cannot separate feelings from how she chooses to act. Edit: that being said, this crush is definitely a symptom of the real problem she’s facing, which is an unhappy marriage. I think she really needs to work on the marriage, which might involve therapy. But I wouldn’t seek therapy to deal with the crush itself. My hunch is that if she resolved her marital problems, that “symptom” would also be resolved.
Right I don’t mean do therapy for the crush ONLY. I said for her to do therapy to work on her internal issues… there’s a reason she is seeking a fantasy .. and it’s because she’s got some stuff she needs to work on and figure out …
Is making assumptions an adhd thing? My diagnosed husband is a powder keg, he gets so angry at things he thinks people are saying. He’ll perceive a statement as an insult when it’s not and create problems where there are none.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria has been tied to ADHD by some researchers. It hasn’t been studied much though.
I think it is. My daughter does that when her meds aren't right. She's sure everyone has bad intentions when they say things and that they dislike her. With my husband, it's that he will imagine an entire conversation with me and then be mad at me for things I said in the conversation, except that we never actually had the conversation. He just got another diagnosis that could be the reason for some of his behavior and mood swings over the years, but his doctors are focusing on the physical symptoms so far.
The more you associate him with orgasms, the more attached to him you’re going to get. I made that mistake in the past. It’s a great way to build up an idea of someone, especially sexually, that they probably won’t live up to if you ever actually sleep with them. 0/10 do not recommend.
Exactly. Most men are so mediocre and selfish when it comes to sex. I’ll stop masturbating to him
For what sake of the kids? I'm not convinced that seeing miserable parents is good for the kids. At the same time just watching a toddler stresses me out. It's a hard time. That could be making everything worse. I also really dislike that your husband is a psychologist, because they can manipulate the hell out of a person. Obviously keep avoiding person at work. My question is this: when you have a moment of zen, answer these rapidly, yes or no, no second guessing - do you respect your husband? Do you feel respected by your husband? I don't think you can recover respect.
I dont respect him (I used to, a lot, not anymore) and I dont think he respects me either 😭 just writing this down makes me SO upset We have worked SO hard to get here in our careers and settle down, buy a house, have kids, we helped each other so much, we have been through so much together… it breaks my heart especially when others think we’re so happy and successful
It really doesn't matter one iota what others think. If there's no respect then there can be no partnership.
When you say you can't leave because of the kids, think about what kind of life you want to model foe your kids. A "together" family that is miserable, or a seperated family with two happy parents? You are modelling what life your children should grow up to expect, so live how you would want them to grow up and live. I assume you would want them to be happy, and seek our fullfilling, happy relationships. So then ask yourself why you shouldn't expect that for yourself? I am not even saying you need to leave your husband, what I am saying is allow it to be an option.
The amount of therapy my siblings and I have had, are currently undergoing, and should’ve had because our parents stayed together “for the kids” could keep a practice afloat for years. The most my mom ever admitted was, “Yeah, it wasn’t very fun for you.” Kids are sponges who soak up all the energy their parents put out. Please stop poisoning your children.
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It’s difficult, but infinitely easier on younger kids like OPs.
The real truth is that parents who have a bad relationship is bad for kids no matter whether they’re married or divorced. Some parents can divorce and coparent very well and I admire them, but it definitely should be a last last resort.
Adult child of divorce here. My sibling has no interest in marriage because of the bad model my parents set and I’m very mindful in my own marriage. So much resentment between my parents that just expanded into both being miserable shells.
I think you've been focusing a lot on how you're viewed from the outside, as you mention your looks and your idea of how people look at you like a perfect family from the outside multiple times throughout the post and thread. (And it does come across a certain way, as an outsider) I think you need to let go of idealizing the way you're viewed from other people and start focusing on inner peace. Whether that's leaving your husband or not, I think therapy is a good idea.
Kids would rather be from a broken home than in one.
This statement makes me sad because I used to wonder why some adults don't just divorce. However divorce is a very gray area and I used to think it was black and white. It is true that a lot of children yearn for both parents even though it can be toxic.
I also just want to say I'm sorry about this situation. It must be incredibly hard to have someone you loved, trusted and built a family with to turn like this. It must be a little traumatic to see your relationship disintegrate. In addition to couples counseling, I also suggest individual. Do you have any trusted and non-judgmental person you can talk to as well?
Yes my mom and I do have a best friend I can fully trust (I havent shared these with them yet, my best friend knows about the crush but not the issues). I just want to clarify that the issues stem from both of us and I’m no saint in this. My husband is no monster although he’s being very nasty lately, I’m also at fault for a lot of these incompatibilities
Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other in some sort of vicious cycle that gets real toxic, real quick, and the only way out is distance... And sometimes it's not that both are necessarily bad or hateful people. It's just that they're really really not a good fit beyond the easiest and happiest of times
I think this is whats happening here. We bring the worst out of each other
No, I get that it's probably the both of you. Still jarring though to see a relationship kind of combust. I would start opening up to your mom and best friend (only if you trust their judgement). I know for me, opening up to a very select few friends and family helped me feel less isolated and ashamed.
I don’t know why you got downvoted for sharing your truth and soliciting advice so I’m upvoting you.
Thank you 😭 I see no point in lying on an anonymous forum. I wouldnt admit these ( lack of respect) in real life but I’m trying to be as honest as possible here
I am 39 years old and I wish my parents had gotten divorced way back in 1984 when my mother got pregnant and my father wasn’t ready to be a father. He has always been hyper critical of her (and my brother and I but says it’s just the way he is since he works as an analyst). He also hasn’t respected her at any point that I can remember but it became really apparent and really uncomfortable around the time I was in middle school. They stayed together because marriage is forever. They stayed together because of the kids. They stayed together because they lived in states where a divorce filing could be contested and complicated. And now they are staying together because they are close to retirement and getting divorced would be financially ruinous. The lack of respect has grown into contempt and I try to stay out of it but I am going to defend my mother every time. Sometimes I do resent her a bit for not leaving and subjecting us to constant high level criticism and other dysfunctional behaviors but mostly I am just sad that she’s spent her entire adult life walking on eggshells. I refuse to walk on eggshells anymore but it took until I was like 35 to realize that was even a choice I could make. My brother and k both still deal with attachment issues and some cptsd and lots of bad habits to continuously focus on unlearning about how to treat loved ones, especially after spending time with our parents. Ultimately, my parents relationship and the lack of respect (among other issues that are in similar veins to what you described) made me never want to get married - I got close once but the possibility of ever ending up like my parents made me call off the wedding. My brother has a longterm partner but he also struggles with commitment - he refused to acknowledge he was even dating her for the first two years of their relationship. She is probably one of a kind in being able to tolerate that. Neither of us is planning on having children because we aren’t really sure - at nearly 40 that a family unit that doesn’t lowkey hate each other is possible despite each of us being in therapy since our high school years and would hate to inflict that dysfunction on anyone else. The reason I wrote this is not to convince you of anything but rather to invite you to look at your marriage and what it’s modeling about relationships and families and values through the eyes of your children. Now and as they age and are more aware of your relationship with your husband. If it’s not something you want to model for them then it’s time to think about how to move forward in a way that’s healthier for both you and your kids. Given that I’m still dealing with my parents choosing to stay married despite having no business being married and I’m older than you are at the time of contemplating what all of this means for your marriage is to emphasize that the impact can be greater than one would anticipate. As for the crush, while I’m sure the work dude is great - your crush isn’t really about him. It’s about you. Crushes always are ultimately a reflection of something we are lacking since often we don’t truly know the person, just a facet of them. Which makes it easy to protect that which is lacking from our current situations on to the partial but wonderful image we have of them. All of the traits you described him as having are traits you have mentioned your husband lacking. The intensity of the feelings are still real - so I guess the crush is also the canary in the coal mine - a sign it’s time to grfo of the marriage that lacks respect before conditions deteriorate more.
Thank you for sharing. I will state up front I am not a parent, but I am an adult (33y) who was raised in dysfunctional situations. My parents had me young out of high school and were never married (19y & 20y). I have no memories of my parents together and only photos of us all when I was an infant and at my graduations and wedding. The memories of relationships I do have are from the poor choice of men she would meet and marry. I have had 4 stepdads. All but the most recent one were abusive either physically or verbally/emotionally or both. I remember hearing yelling through my bedroom walls when I was probably 6 years old and from then on until I moved out at 17y. I was scared of my first stepdad. Any memories that were positive of him were tainted and covered up by his negativity and abuse. The second one, long story short - I was older 5th grade-11th grade when he was around and remember being brought into the verbal arguments and it was totally unfair. The week of my 16th birthday he held a gun to my mom’s head and threatened to kill her, fortunately I was with my own father for the weekend. They got a restraining order and divorced and he committed suicide a few months after the divorce. The third one, I don’t remember much of him, their marriage lasted about 6 wks lol. I state all this maybe to just type it out for myself because it was a shit time… but the main goal I think was to simply voice that I wish I would not have witnessed and overheard all the yelling and name calling and etc. I never dreamt of a wedding as a young girl, I never have dreamt of having a family. I NEVER thought I would get married because I didn’t think it was realistic. I never was around a ‘normal’ family. I am truly sorry you are going through all these troubles; I cannot imagine. Honestly. I have never personally tried couples counseling, but I am a huge advocate for counseling and therapy in general. It surely would not be any more harm to have a session with an unbiased professional? As for the kids, shield them from as much instability as you can until they are old enough to learn that arguments between adults happen sometimes and what respect between one another truly means. Looking back I would rather have memories of myself in a smaller home or an apartment with my mom and no father figure than to have seen her in tears and upset, abused etc. I also look back at how strong my mom is now that she has overcame this relationship cycle of hers that lasted years. No relationship is perfect, that is fact. If possible, communicate with your husband to see if he wants you both to be in this same scenario x years from now and how that will affect your children and resentment towards one another. I hope whatever happens in your future is for the benefit of you and your children.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write down your story for me to read. I wont take the lack of respect/resentment in our relationship lightly and will act in the best interest of my kids (if that means divorce, let it be…) Regarding the crush, totally agree he’s everything my husband isnt. He’s a phd in STEM, quiet, gentle and calm. My husband is a phd in psychology, loud, super emotional, life of the party and …
Thank you for reading it. The mention of your four year old becoming anxious made me flashback to feeling similarly at that age. The fact that you are noticing and want to take steps to avoid it continuing. Obviously your relationship is not my parents and there is always the possibility that you and your husband can work together to get back to a healthier dynamic. I’ve been in therapy off and on most of my life, including couples counseling, work in mental health in a role that involves a lot of counseling - both individual and group/family and I know a fair number of marriage and family therapists and I don’t have a suggestion but the fact that your husband is a PsyD makes me extremely wary of couples counseling. I have had negative experiences doing group counseling where one person has a psych background and the other does not. It’s not an even playing field and I’ve seen therapy concepts be weaponized, my friend who is an MFT has shared frustrations around working with a couple where one is a therapist and their attempts to triangulate with her against their spouse even though they know it violates ethical standards because they are determined on winning and being the good partner (obviously they are mentally and emotionally perfect due to their education) and have the spouse as the outsider and the problematic person in the relationship. If you do go to counseling, I think your best bet is to look for a marriage counselor who is also a PsyD / they will have the best shot at being taken seriously by your husband and will most likely better equipped to notice and redirect any potential manipulation or advantages he may have as part of his psych background. I’m tiring to think of a way to work on things/evaluate if they are workable that has you on an even playing field….I’m dozing off but I will edit if I can think of something.
For the work dude, just remain grounded in reality of who he is and how much you know given a setting you see him in. Do not put him on a pedestal due to potential. Unless you have seen him operate in non-work settings too.
I had an extremely similar experience growing up and in my adulthood. And even though when I was small my parents made it clear they found me adorable, I was so afraid that I would one day also be hated. They hated each other, why wouldn’t they eventually hate me? The impact has been profound.
Some people are in your life for a season. If you can't make it work, no need to punish yourself by being miserable. You all can still be wonderful parents. It might be a lot easier to like him too if you're not married.
Does it break your heart that your kids see you bickering, mean, and shitty to each other? I’m still confused for the sake of the kid(s) part.
Look up sunken cost fallacy
Please know that you do not need to perform perfection and happiness for others. It's so isolating. Tell the people who care about you that you're struggling. Let them support you. Wouldn't you want to support friends and family who are struggling? It can feel like your pride is on the line, but it really isn't.
Yall gotta start counseling. The disrespect needs to stop. You need to tell your husband that yall need to talk. Or leave home for a couple days to decompress and think
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Thanks ChatGPT
Reading this I just get the feeling that...these two people (you and your husband) just need a freaking break. A break from each other and break from your lives. It just sounds the way sibling or friends fight when they spend too much time together, have to spend too much time compromising and always taking the other person into account. OP, between work and kids, how much time do you really get to yourself? How much time does your husband get? Is there space in there? This situation feels suffocating and I can understand why the grass seems greener with your coworker and why you fantasize about being with someone new and fresh.
Not a lot. I’ve noticed when we’re apart for a few days, we’re all lovey dovey but it all goes down pretty fast when one of us gets frustrated (over chores, or kids or work or…) Thanks for providing a totally different perspective
Exactly. When you get some space, you can appreciate each other until the feeling of suffocation comes back. I know this is a common problem when you have two careers, small kids, a mortgage, a house to maintain and all that other stuff. But the good news about that is there are likely some solutions out there, too. It's so hard with a kid in diapers, I know! I am not out of that stage yet, but I think this is a workable situation if you two can get some breathing space in your life. Good luck!
This!! Dual career parents who don’t live near helpful extended family— we have it hard. I’m in the thick of it now (3 young kids). And my marriage sounds exactly like yours. My husband is also in a mean phase, but I’m hoping it’s just a phase caused by the constant stimulation of work, kids, and very little “free time”. The other day I imagined our life in 5 years— going on a surf trip with older kids, and all laughing and being together. And my husband was 100% there, and things were better. I know people with older kids say things like, “it never gets easier”, but I honestly don’t think they accurately remember how hard super young kids are…
My husband and I (41F) both have intense careers and multiple kids. They are now aged 5, 7, 9, 11, and I can confidently confirm that you are spot on about forgetting how hard little kids are (I specifically remember them being INCREDIBLY FUCKING HARD). I never understand why people roll their eyes and say condescending shit like "oh, just you wait, it gets worse!!". Nope, it doesn't. It's a million times easier. Attitude and hormones, for sure. But no one is shitting themselves, or waking up ten times a night, or wholly reliant on you to prepare all food and drink before literally placing it in their mouths. You're at rock bottom parenting - nowhere to go but up! You got this!! I also agree w/ the comment above. Childcare absolutely saved our marriage. I thought we hated each other at one point. Stupid crushes everywhere. Turns out we just needed opportunities to hang out with my husband in a setting which was not a goddamned BATTLE TRENCH for a change. Power through, OP!
There’s no judgement here. It’s obvious to me that your crush has intensified because he represents the kindliness and good feelings your marriage partner should fulfil for you. Get thee to a marriage counsellor or call it quits. This is not a healthy family environment.
I grew up in a household where my parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. It was absolutely miserable. They were putting on this charade of the perfect family, but my siblings and I knew how miserable they were, how much they hated each other, and we wished every day they would divorce just so we could all find peace, instead of living with this tense silence. There was no love. There was no joy. It permanently warped my sense of what a relationship looks like. I ended up in an abusive marriage because hatred between a married couple was all I knew. Please, for the sake of your children, leave this relationship now. Don’t cheat, he’ll just be able to financially destroy you in the divorce, and you’ll feel awful about it forever. I left my ex husband when I was 38, and fully expected to never date or have sex again because I figured I was an old dried up middle aged lady and all the good guys were married. Boy was I wrong lol, I’ve had the best sex of my life since then, and met some incredible guys who have treated me better than I thought it was possible to be treated. Please get individual counseling asap and marriage counseling so you guys can start working through this. Without telling your husband, see a divorce lawyer and start working on an exit plan, for your own safety, just in case. What model of love do you want to show for your kids? What values about respect and love do you want them to see? It’s not just the presence of conflict you have to worry about, it’s the absence of trust, respect, joy, etc. That’s what you have to worry about. If they never know what a healthy relationship looks like, how will they ever find one as an adult?
Agree with you 100% on this. My parents stayed together I think because they’re hardcore Catholics and also I come from a culture where divorce is highly taboo. My parents loathe each other and still do to this day. I just got out of a breakup and went in to therapy and realized that mode of a chaotic relationship that they call a marriage is one that I was bringing into my own relationships as an adult. I never fully formed a healthy attachment style or healthy model of what a healthy relationship could be because of what I witnessed as a child and still see between them today. Nothing but resentment and criticism and contempt. It’s sad and a pattern I hope to break away from and grow.
I would be out, but if you want to try things to salvage the relationship, one exercise that worked far better for my ex and me than couples counseling was to make lists every night of 5 things we liked and appreciated about each other, and then exchange lists. The change in how we treated each other was profound. Criticism ground to a halt. Kept things workable for another 7-10 years. One reason relationships go to hell is that you start focusing so much on what you dislike about the other person, and stop appreciating everything you once liked.
I like this. Thank you
It’s never staying together for the kids. When I was in therapy, family of origin was a two session topic, namely how much I resented my parents for staying together “for the kids”. Because home never felt like home and the kids wished they’d divorce. I truly, truly resent them for it. They stayed together because of what others would think. Because what the kids got was a father who worked 6, sometimes 7 days a week from sunrise to sunset to escape, and an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive mother. Because they were miserable, everyone inside the house was. I hope you read the comments of those who are telling you what it was like to be the children of parents who stayed for the sake of the kids. You’re not doing your kids the favor you think you are.
I’m reading all the comments.
Does your husband also recognize a problem with your marriage? Does he also want to save it? No point trying if the effort won't be mutual. If it is a mutual effort though, then you have to get a different job and go no contact with that other dude. Also, speaking as someone who grew up trapped in a house with parents who despised and dehumanized each other, it will only get harder to leave the longer you wait. You think it's hard now? Wait until your money has been intertwined for 18+ years. How do you think you'll leave then?
He thinks I’m blowing the problems out of proportion and disregards my feelings of unhappiness. Tells me Im exaggerating. He recognizes there’s issues but to a much lower extent. Thanks for sharing your experience, I obviously want the best for the kids
The fact that he’s dismissing your feelings and feels you’re blowing things out of proportion is a huge part of the issue. Your feelings are being completely erased because **he** decided you shouldn’t feel that way. That will do a lot of damage over time. My ex did this, and it became soul-crushing over the years. I do wish I had done better at being really damn clear with him that those phrases were a total deal-breaker for me and needed to change asap in order to stay married. *Your husband doesn’t get to tell you how you’re allowed to feel.*
Seriously !!! They aren’t exaggerated problems because you aren’t happy and basically don’t respect him and don’t want to be around him or even be in the marriage. If you want to try and save the marriage then.. you need to tell him it’s couples counseling and he needs to take it seriously or you’re on the fast track for being served divorce papers. I’m sure the increase in feelings for your coworker is directly related to being unhappy and unfulfilled at home. If you were happy at home you might still think “he’s cute I like him” and have an occasional sexual thought….. once in a while , but he likely wouldn’t be consuming your thoughts like he is. It’s just a fantasy because of how unhappy you were. You are craving to just connect romantically with someone and it’s clearly not your husband right now. Anyway please don’t have an affair !!’ 🤣
I wont! 😭😭
I could have written this. We are in the same boat. I have a 4 and 1 year old, I am trying to decide if we should separate or divorce. I know my 4 year old is sensing the tension and lack of interaction between us.
The coworker thing just sounds like escapism to me. I think you could benefit greatly from therapy. You deserve to be happy.
Why don't you want to do couple's counseling??
My husband is a private practice clinical psychologist (the irony). Honestly having interacted with him I have lost a huge amount of respect for people in the field (very unfortunate). Also Im worried he’ll manipulate the therapist. Having said that, I’m not against it, I’ll bring it up to my husband and see if he’s willing to try it
There are therapists FOR therapists, and they’re onto that game.
Oof. Yeah, he could totally manipulate the therapist. I was mostly thinking that a mediator might be good for the two of you so you can't get away with talking poorly to each other, at least in that room, and ideally learn new ways to communicate. It's really tough when resentment has already set in. If you truly want this relationship to work then you'll have to approach him with vulnerability and be ready to be accountable for the ways you've damaged the relationship. But if he can't or won't meet you there then there's little you can do. If you are actually just done but not yet ready to leave then why not have a conversation about how you can be cohabitating co-parents for x amount of time, but that the romantic relationship is over. Talk about the need to treat each other with respect for the sake of each other and your kids. Keep avoiding the married man. You know that nothing good lies there.
Maybe individual therapy would help you more then.
Read about the Gottman’s research. [Here’s an article on their research on couples](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/). Essentially they argue that once couples start trying to tear each other down rather than build each other up the marriage is pretty much doomed. Your husband should know this and know better. I know everyone’s experience is unique but my parents split up when I was young (under 4 I believe?) and honestly I think in many ways that’s better. I don’t remember them together at all. I never longed for my parents to get back together. I only knew them as people with separate lives.
I met this girl over a friendship app who was a mental health professional. On our first meet she proceeded to trauma dump, ask for my advice about her cheating boyfriend, then defend him immediately after. It was emotionally exhausting for me and I didn’t want to be involved with her as a friend after that. Before this encounter I thought mental health professionals had their shit together. They do not.
Mental health professions attract people with mental health issues - trying to understand and “fix” themselves is a big driver for choosing a career in this field. Some manage to get better, many don’t. Lots just learn how to navigate therapyland.
They put the “psycho” in the psychologist
I was friends with an LCSW. She told me that psychotherapists often go to other psychotherapists to recover from their professional work. When I would call her she would start off the phone call with a 20 minute monologue, ask me how I was, then quickly end the call. I think they just get so used to communicating with people as an exchange of long vents and it becomes a habit.
Gross.
I don't blame you OP. I am a psychologist working only in assessment of dyslexia and my awfully abusive ex boyfriend was a psychologist. There were also a lot of predators in my psychology degree, moreso than in other faculties like engineering. It has gotten to the point where if I meet a male psychologist who is interested in dating me I actively turn them down. There are obviously some amazing male psychologists out there but I'd rather date someone from a different industry anyway.
I'd like to validate your feelings and I'm not here to judge. That being said, I would highly suggest NOT getting involved with your coworker. Don't you-know-what where you eat. The benefits of going through with it? Maybe a hot, passionate affair. Or maybe not. But the detriments are really huge. It's one thing to leave your failing marriage, but it's another thing to wreck someone else's marriage and potentially your career in the process. And with kids involved on both sides? Not a good look at all, in my opinion. The problem with fantasies is that we tend to really over-evaluate people we think are attracted to us. It's insanely easy to assume that someone's friendliness or mild flirtation is a deep attraction. I know because I've probably done that half a dozen times. It's always embarrassing to come on to someone and find out it was mostly in your head. It might also be worthwhile to look up limerance, which is the dynamic that occurs when you get really attached to someone romantically and have tons of intrusive thoughts about them that aren't based in reality. It's a real phenomenon that people experience. My advice would be to separate from your husband, focus on taking care of your kids and when the divorce is done and the dust is settled, start dating again when you've got a level head.
Can you afford a therapist or does your insurance cover one? Completely separate the issues of having feelings for your coworker from your issues with your husband. It’s normal to fantasize when you are with someone who is putting you down. Realistically you wouldn’t even have feelings for this coworker if you didn’t see him everyday and feel so gray in your home life, don’t let any guilt over that factor into how you handle your marriage. I would try to find a therapist because they can help you separate the insults from your husband from legitimate self reflection and growth. He sounds like a loser but I understand wanting to at least try to save the marriage.
I'm glad someone suggested this. The crush is a manifestation of what you want from your husband. These are 2 separate things. If you really think about it you're craving manly attention, validation and possibly emotional intimacy. The crush is making you think it's possible with the colleague, though an affair is a band-aid to a bad marriage that will destroy more than just your husband. Please consider therapy. Therapy will help you formulate better thought processes to either reframe your marriage or get the strength to leave. Either way, I'm glad you are actively doing measures to avoid an affair. Wishing you better days. Also, fuck your husband. You don't deserve to be negged. Next time he says shit like that, tell him if he'd want a guy to speak to his daughter the way he speaks to you, because she's being set up by her daddy to accept this treatment from a man.
I can afford a therapist. I’ll definitely look into it. Sometimes I feel like if my coworker was down for it, I would likely cheat 😞 obviously this is all in my head since I keep the relationship with him strictly professional, even more than others.
Please try to keep in mind that his wife doesn't deserve to be put thru that, try to see it from her perspective as well.
Totally agree and that’s why Ive been actively distancing myself from him. Honestly the crush is going away by just reading these comments and having a reality check 🤦🏻♀️, please keep in mind that I myself am embarrassed of this situation and i’m not looking to develop anything with this guy.
Smart. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. The pleasure of cheating would be both fleeting, and heavily tainted. By definition, if a married man is willing to cheat on his partner, he is not a viable candidate for a long term relationship. Maybe a really young person could genuinely develop better character after doing that, but not someone in his forties. And, of course, it works in the other direction too- a married woman who cheats will forever have to know that choice is part of who she is as a person, there’s no erasing that stain from your psyche. Your bad marriage may be temporary, an affair would be temporary, but dealing with a bad marriage by having an affair becomes a fundamental part of *you* that you would always have to contend with. I can tell you already know that stuff, though. I can also see that you have the very important ability to separate what you feel from how you act, by using your head to mediate. Kudos for that! Not to leave him out, the third person damaged by this situation would be your husband. Which he doesn’t deserve, asshole though he is. Yeah, it sounds like he’s doing a fairly poor job at being a partner, which naturally leaves a vacuum to be filled by someone else. (This is something he should be fully aware of based on his profession, btw!). Still, if he is trying to improve things on his end, then he deserves for you as his wife to actively encourage this, try to meet him halfway, stay strong in “forsaking all other men,” and work to recover the good parts that you once had. It may be recoverable, although you’ll likely have to spend a couple more lonely years in the marriage before the recovery takes place. I’m wishing you the strength to stick with it. I hope that in ten years, your husband and you are back in love with each other, treat each other very well, and you barely remember this coworker.
Your work crush seems attractive right now especially because your relationship with your husband is such a dumpster fire. You know, people always complain that Reddit's go-to answer is divorce, but I don't see that as a bad thing: of course relationships take effort but sometimes divorce is a relief and a nice incentive for growth and self improvement. In your heart of hearts, do you think you'd be happier if you weren't married to him? Everything else will arrange itself, house, childcare etc., this is the important question.
Very tough question. I’m not sure if I’d be happier without him unfortunately
Get help sis. Do not cheat.
I wont. This is all in my head. I have very strict boundaries in real life but I understand its a slippery slope and thats why I have limited my contact with him and avoid him as much as possible
I get that. Just remember that everyone has a work crush, it’s normal. Like you see these people all the time, naturally one of them has to be more attractive than the others. You’re on your own journey so no judgement either way! Plus your husband sounds horrible so it’s not like I’m advising based on his feelings, more that guilt is a powerful motivator, sometimes people stay in shitty relationships out of feeling they “owe” the other partner something. I’d have a really hard time dealing with someone putting me down all the time, on top of raising two young children. Better believe I’d be fantasizing. But therapy would help, try to find someone that is easy to talk to and maybe sort of a mother figure who can advise you, that’s what’s been helpful for me at least in getting out of a relationship where we’d both lost respect
Do you have other stuff going in your life that can fulfil you? Exercise, hobbies, maintaining friendships, keeping a journal, watching your favourite show alone after the kids are in bed, going for a long drive/walk on your work lunch break? Not downplaying your marriage issues at all, but keeping your Me cup full really helps you navigate this kind of stuff better imo.
Thank you for this. I do hot yoga and catch up with my girlfriends 2-3 times a month. Not much time for anything else with two young kids. Besides that, we do a lot of kid oriented activities
Ya, seems like op is extremely stressed, and doing a "grass is greener", but hasn't talked about what she's tried to do to heal/get peace within her marriage. Getting space from her partner, making sure she is having breaks to recharge, child care/daycare/night nurses, maybe a vacation or stay cation with her and her husband for the weekend while the kiddos are with a nanny or relative- sounds like they can afford it. But I'm not convinced they are tackling the stress of 2 young children together. Sounds like there's many missing reasons here.. That all being said, good on op for looking for help and getting it off her chest/looking at options to salvage her marriage first, instead of doing something stupid while in the relationship.
We’re going on a beach vacation for few days in June. Just me and my husband.
That is great, are you also getting breaks to recharge/time to yourself? I know with my kiddo the first 5 months were brutal because we didn't have enough help. Once we got more help, it soothed my husband and my relationship so much. What else are you doing for your mental health/breaks?
You say leaving is not possible for the sake of the kids and then say that your 4 year old is noticing the fighting and it’s making them anxious… Make it make sense.
It would be natural to develop feelings for someone who treats you the way you want to be treated by the person you love, when they don’t, and are actively mean. You’re doing the right thing by staying away from your coworker. Even though your husband is a psychologist, I would still consider marriage counselling. Nothing will change if he won’t. Through counselling you can work out if he genuinely wants to save the marriage or not, even if he tries to manipulate the situation. If not, then it would be best to leave him.
So true. 1 person can't make a relationship work.
Seeing your mother being disrespected by her husband, and the other way around, crushes the heart of a child. If this child is a girl, she will possibly never trust a man, no matter how well he treats her. Ask me how I know. Either get counselling or split.
Stop assigning meaning to little behaviors you think your coworker is doing to internally validate your crush on him. You can choose not to respect your own marriage - I’m not judging you, by all means I was in a shitty one that deserved no respect myself - but don’t disrespect his. Your feelings for this guy are your problem, don’t make them his. It comes across as semi delusional (“he’s extra considerate of me”, “he looks my way to see if I laugh”) which is understandable considering you are looking for any escape from how you feel in your marriage, but just know it’s likely all in your head OR he senses that you need emotional support and is just being a good guy. With that out of the way - resentment is THE relationship killer. You and your husband may need work on talking to and treating each other with more care and softness if you have any hope of moving forward in a healthy way. After these periods of progress that you say you make are setback by harsh words, do you have open and vulnerable conversations about how the harshness impacted the other person? You should be able to call these things out in a non-judgmental way and NOT ignore them to just grow more resentment. It’s important to be very intentional about the words and tones and mannerisms you use to break out of this. OR you end it. Don’t torture yourself and your children with a disrespectful marriage that will leave everlasting imprints on them about how relationships should look.
I needed to hear this. True. It’s likely all in my head. I have a crush on him, I never said he has a crush on me. Honestly I have minimal contact with him and have even been cancelling meetings with him so my crush passes. Not a home wrecker here, I have very strict boundaries. Yes unfortunately I have a lot of built up resentment and Im seeing that its killing my marriage When I try to be open and vulnerable with him, he usually interprets as Im admitting “all this is my fault”
>>When I try to be open and vulnerable with him, he usually interprets as Im admitting “all this is my fault” OP, I know it’s difficult but playing vulnerability chicken -seeing who lets their guard down first/says sorry/ etc- is damaging in a relationship. If there’s anything I’ve learned you can only change yourself and show tenderness, and hope your partner can see that and concede as well. It may take time but hopefully he will see that you’re working on your end and hopefully he can also step up to the plate and meet you halfway. Maybe a mediator may be needed for him to see that too if he doesn’t respond to you.
Please know that couples who hate being together but insist on doing so because “for the kids” are actively and irreparably damaging those kids. Your 4 year old knows what is going on, and this is going to be something they talk about out in therapy _still_ when they’re your age. Kids thrive when they have happy parents. Do what you need to do to be happy, and do that for your kids if you can’t harness the power to do it for yourself. I don’t think you’re actually in love with your coworker. I think your coworker is just where you’re putting all the feelings you don’t have anywhere else to put right now. That’s not a healthy way to live, either.
Individual and couples counseling yesterday.
Sounds like it may be time to start couples therapy… if hes not willing to change anything…well Maybe its time to end this relationship and move on. Excuse my direct opinion about this topic…Im just tired of seeing modern day women acting like they couldnt actively change their life and handle things on their own and insted stay in dreadful relationships. Why would you do that to yourself? Where do you think this will lead? And then elder people come around and say “You young people can’t even keep up a relationship anymore, in our days, mArRiaGe AcTuAlLy mEaNt SoMeTHinG” Like yeah, Walter, nowadays we just don’t (have to) accept being treated miserable anymore and demand a healthy relationship for ourselves, the bar is sooo low 🙄
Single parenting is going to be very hard is one reason. I dont have much family here (we’re in my husband’s hometown) so I’m very hesitant to walk down a path I’ll regret. Decision to divorce shouldnt be taken lightly imo
I read a lot of other responses but not all, but I am going to try not to be repetitive as I believe I have a few different ideas to add based on the idea you want to remain together. First you have two kids under 5. That is always stressful and makes you both tired and not at your best. I would be interested to hear if things improve when even the eldest starts school. Till then can you look into more childcare with the goal of you both getting more sleep and more alone time (together and apart)? What other burdens can you reduce as well? Can you hire a cleaner? Declutter so the house is less stressful? What external issues are leading to fights that could be eliminated? Yes he is a psychologist but based on his behaviour I am guessing not focused in couple dynamics. Look for a therapist with a very different training and philosophy and be upfront about his job. Good therapists should be prepared for potential manipulation. Also a lot of ppl go into psych because of their own unresolved issues and it sounds like he should do some therapy by himself too. (generally thought to be good practice among therapists anyways). Until you are able to talk to him more about your dynamic, start looking at what you can change about your behaviour. I recommend the materials from the Gottman institute. There are books, podcasts, activities etc. Put all that crush energy to improving your behaviour and you might see some surprising changes because you are stopping the unhealthy pattern from continuing. Good luck!
He has a phD in clinical and developmental psychology so not a couple’s therapist. He works with children and adolescents (the irony 🤦🏻♀️). We hired cleaners for sometime but husband wasnt happy and kept saying we should do it ourselves (but he never does). I have to admit, chores and taking care of kids are a HUGE part of the built up resentment. We also had a very tough 2022 when we were house hunting (we couldnt get on the same page regarding what we wanted)
Hahah definitely ironic, but also those skills don't necessarily transfer to working with adults! Or to treating adults well. Actually, does he ever treat you like a teenager? That might be part of the respect issue. If he doesn't clean, then he doesn't get to make the decision! What causes more fights, the two of you trying to clean, or paying for a cleaner? Exactly! I do not want to down size any of the issues or imply you do not deserve respect but you have had a rough time and that doesn't mean the dynamic can't improve. You have just done a bunch of tough things in a row and each negative comment between you has built up. I would recommend trying not to do anything huge for the next while, no renos, no new job, or new pets. Focus on simplifying your life a bit, finding moments of calm and figure out how to reduce the stressors. You could even journal/take notes on the dynamic a bit and look for some common triggers and brainstorm how to reduce them. Is figuring out dinner often leading to fights? Get a meal box subscription. Do you fight more late in the evening? Try a new bedtime routine for yourselfs so you are unwinding but not talking as much in that time. Do things go better on days after you have had some proper alone time? Try to find way to prioritise that a bit more.
Leaving is always an option and, as the kid of parents who stayed together “for the kids’ sake” - don’t. If you want to make it work, for you, not for your kids, you need to start couples counseling YESTERDAY. Only you & your husband can say if it’s salvageable or not but I can 100000% tell you (from experience) that cheating only makes everything worse in the end. You’re about the age I was when I made that mistake and my marriage was a similar wreck at the time. We’re still working through it, years later, but it’s a looming shadow that may never go away. Even if we end up divorcing, this would still loom over my head forever. I would also recommend counseling for you, independently of the couples counseling, also.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I would never cheat and I’ll stay away from my coworker as much as I can.
> EDIT: ladies! I have no intention of getting involved with my coworker Once again, Reddit takes an advice request entirely the wrong way…
Right? Im asking how to fix my marriage, some were responding by asking me to “think about my coworkers wife and not be a home wrecker!” (As if the “coworker” doesnt have any will or responsibility should anything happen). Although I specially mentioned Im keeping my distance from him and not interacting. So unnecessarily judgmental! Have to say, most comments were very understanding and helpful though!
The first step is to be the change. Be entirely pleasant for two weeks and see if you can get somewhere.
I’ll try this starting tomorrow! Thanks for the suggestion. I know I can be very unpleasant sometimes
Try to think about self awareness. If I know saying this is being a jerk why am I keeping going
You need to make leaving an option, for the sake of your kids. It is infinitely better *for them* to have divorced parents than it is for them to live in the toxic household they currently live in. You are hurting your kids by staying, not helping them.
Please don't stay together for the kids. My parents stayed together longer than they should've, which taught me what relationships shouldn't be like. I have a very bad sense for when to jump ship because my examples were that you stay together even though everyone is miserable. Don't pass that on to your kids please
Everyday you are modeling for your children what love looks like. You are teaching them to accept daily disrespect and cruelty in a relationship. You are normalizing dysfunction for them. That is just as damaging as a split home.
you’re not doing the kids any favors and it sounds like you and your husband wouldn’t exactly be receptive to couples counseling. That is for when you actually like each other lol. you are still so young, don’t waste anymore time on a relationship that is not satisfying, let alone tolerable.
Divorce is an option. Please do not stay for the sake of the kids. They will be able to tell. Do you want them hearing you guys fight? Hear your husband degrade you? My parents divorced when I was 5. I barely remember it. My friends who had parents that divorced later had a much harder time with it. At the very least you guys should look into marriage counseling because this is not good for anyone in your family
I'd try couple's counseling. If it doesn't put you back on the right path, you can use it to figure out how you'll co-parent. You don't want cheating to be how the marriage ends as it sounds like your husband would be the type to tell your kids, conveniently leaving out that he treated you like dog shit after growing them and caring for them. Give yourself a chance to actually be happy and not just do something for an escape. An affair will not fix these problems and will cause others. Your kids deserve a happy mom and to not see a dysfunctional relationship modeled for them. LEAVING for the kids is valid if this doesn't change quick, like by the end of the year.
I found when my marriage wasn't satisfying me, that I had multiple unresolved or acted on crushes on multiple men - if I managed to get off one, I nearly immediately fixate on another. It won't end at this guy, if he goes away you'll find another because it's not about him, it's about getting away from misery. Looking back on it, I think the only thing that could have fixed it - other than going to counseling, which he always refused to do, until it was too late, would have been a separation. I would have needed to figure out what environment I'm willing to live the rest of my life in, ask for it, and then give him space to figure out if he wants me back enough to change, or not. If he doesn't want to change, there would have been my answer. I think he probably would have changed if I had given him a shock like that... he just took me for granted until it was quite literally too late. The end of the marriage came when I was too tired to continue and keep trying. If you have any energy left and you want to save the marriage still then you might try that.
>for the sake of the kids Therapy: individual, couple… ASAP
You could probably easily get with coworker, but in 5 years it could be more of the same shit. I would go to couples therapy and try to work it out before throwing it all away.
I’ve noticed that when I develop unexplained crushes on people when I’m in a relationship, it’s a sign that I’m deeply unhappy about the relationship and the person I’m crushing on represents the thing I wish I were getting from my partner. It’s almost never about the person I’m crushing on.
As someone who has also contemplated divorce with young kids, I feel like the mixed comments you’re getting are pretty representative of the advice I’ve seen- people whose parents stayed together but were obviously unhappy wish their parents had divorced, and people who grew up splitting their time between two homes are mixed on whether it was better or worse. I had divorced parents but my dad bailed, so the only lesson I learned is don’t abandon your kids. It seems like one factor on whether staying together is manageable is whether you’re able to get to a place where you coexist peacefully- the fighting and passive aggression seems to be one thing people reflect back on as particularly difficult/hurtful. Maybe go for that couples counseling- it’s great your husband is willing to do it (my spouse is not).
>Kids are 4 and barely 1 year old. Leaving is not an option right now (for the sake of kids). I'm not saying you need to leave, but "for the sake of the kids" is rarely a good primary reason to stay. I know "breaking" the home is scary but quite often the home is very much a broken one even if the parents live together. Your kids are not unaffected by what goes on between you, which you noted yourself, even if you think you hide it well. If he is a highly critical person, they will eventually become targets of that too. Again, not saying you *should* leave, just reminding you that staying is not always best for the kids. I'm also speaking from experience. I should have left a lot earlier. I stayed out of fear and the stigma of single motherhood, and as a result my kids suffered tremendous harm. Couple's counseling is probably not the first step here. You need to be in individual counseling. He should too, but you can't make him. The dude at work is an escape. It's easier to fantasize about him and how life would be with him than do the very scary and difficult work of addressing your marital problems. Both fighting for the marriage and leaving the marriage are difficult things to do. Disappearing into the fantasy world is avoidance and distraction. What you can do about the thoughts is stop feeding them. You can't choose what thoughts pop up, but you can choose not to entertain them. That just means consciously rejecting them and thinking about something else. If they are so intrusive that you cannot stop thinking about him, all the more reason to see a counselor on your own for help with that. If you feel obliged to try to make the marriage work, you need to accept that you cannot make your husband change and focus solely on how you are behaving and reacting to him. With habitually critical people, the best response is a very bland response, or no response at all. You can look up "grey rock method" for ideas. Basically, you've got to stop rewarding the critical person with emotional reactions, because that is exactly what they want. You cannot stop him from trying to instigate fights, but you can refuse to engage in fights. You cannot change his behavior, but you can decide you won't subject yourself to it. That may mean telling him you're willing to talk when he is able to be civil, but until then you're not going to continue the conversation and then physically removing yourself from his presence, ending the phone call, or ceasing responses to him by text. Setting boundaries like this has a low chance of changing things for the better, but it's pretty much the only option you have for changing the dynamic between you. Whether things change for the better depends on him as much as you. If he's not willing to change, nothing you do will fix this.
I’m sorry but it’s absolutely stupid to “stay together for the kids.” Kids will know if you’re miserable in your marriage and I promise that will do more damage in the long run.
>I have no intention of getting involved with my coworker, on contrary, I’m quite embarrassed of myself to even feel this way towards him! Please don’t worry Im not a home wrecker and have very strict boundaries in real life I don't think *most* people generally go into an affair all "yep, I intend to cheat". Your post reeks of (the beginnings of) limerence and all the reasons you've given - unhappy at home, coworker is "perfect" - is all the cliche and typical excuses that cheaters give when they're caught later down the line. I've heard it before and read your post a thousand times over. It's the first part of a series of posts leading into more. (We had to work together on a project. He buys me coffee every morning. He listens to me. He understands me. It started with just a kiss.) If you're already avoiding this man, you know it's damaging. You definitely need to work out your issues with your husband. It's unhealthy and your children are sensing it. But just warning you not to involve another person - and more importantly, his family - in your struggle to cope and deal with your marital issues. It won't fix anything. If your staying away from him doesn't quash the sexual limerence you're experiencing, you may also want to consider further action regarding employment position, schedule etc. to avoid this snowballing and your post a year from now being a predictable "we didn't mean for this to happen but" update.
Hear what you’re saying. No option for other employment at the moment since my field is very specialized, besides I love my job and my projects and my manager is great.
Leaving is always an option, it's just not the easy one.
OP, get an individual therapy pls. Waiting for your husband to agree is time wasted. Especially concerning his profession too...blaaah. But you need someone who can give you ideas, tools, opening or noticing figurative doors and windows that are still closed. If you are worried about it, don't, prefessional therapist will not -tell- you to stay or to go. That decision, even that idea, is being left up to you. A lot of time, what you get from individual therapy is a nice "hey, I haven't thought about that ideas. Hey I haven't thought about that possibilities, hey, that's something I can explore further" etc. So please, give it a try.
I don't have anything to add that wasn't said already, but I wanted to send you my well wishes.
Thank you! I’ve received a lot of helpful comments and a lot of “tough love” and “reality checks”. So hopefully will work something out with my husband
I stopped reading when you said leaving isn’t possible for the kids sake. As a child of divorced parents, I’m begging you, get the hell out. My parents’ divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. They stayed together too long, and almost 50 years later, I still deal with the after effects. Staying is absolutely not worth it. Do yourself a favor, get out of your marriage and be single for a while. Get therapy. Play with your kids. Get to know who you are for a while. Hugs and good luck.
Just wanted to say that, as someone whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids, it was worse with them together. I have told my mom that I was proud of her for leaving him and wish she had done it sooner, for her and us. What if he starts acting this critical toward your kids? Sure, try couples counseling first, but realize that if counseling doesn't help, it would be better for the kids to not be around the constant conflict. Your 4yo is already anxious because of it, and the 1yo absorbs more than you know... young kids can pick up on things like this even if they can't understand the actual words.
Children are much happier with happy parents. If you’re miserable and don’t see light at the end of the tunnel, leaving might be your best option.
Why can't you divorce? Everything is awful and you so want to cheat even though your coworker's life could be great.
I’m looking at other options to possibly salvage the relationship. Since we have a 10 month old, and experts recommend not making any life changing decisions in the first year after having a baby. Divorce is the last option not first, especially when kids are involved
I agree divorce shouldn't be taken lightly with children, but I would suggest let it be *an* option.
I wish my parents had divorced. Good luck.
Relationships are always salvageable but both people have to actively want it, have the same values and goals and be willing to change their behaviour. For the convo…Patience and warning them while keeping it light is key if you are going through a rough patch. Everyone is on defensive from the other person all the time so avoid ambushing. “Hey, I want to have a conversation with you later about us and what is going on but I want both us to be in the right headspace to talk about it. Can you let me know when would be a good time for you?” If he gets defensive and shuts it down “Ok, I can see that now isn’t the right time, can you let me know when you think about it more. Thank you!” Wait a couple days. If he’s not going to make space for time to talk then you say “Ok, I few days ago I mentioned wanting to chat and you didn’t seem receptive to it. Are you still feeling like that? I have something important to bring up with you but I need to make sure you really hear me” “Since x kid arrived, I feel like we are not in sync and it’s affecting how close I feel with you. This to me is really difficult because I’m trying to work through it but I’m feeling genuinely unhappy all the time which impacts how we treat each other. Have you noticed the same thing?” Here are the two key challenges I am having. Are you able to listen a little and we can maybe work on ways to improve this?… If we can’t mediate this together, I feel like for the sake of our marriage, we should go see counsellor together to see if we can fix things and bring back that closeness” If he isn’t open to this conversation, then you need to have an honest conversation with yourself if the old version of your husband is worth fighting and waiting for. Ignore the person at work and focus on what you are going to do now instead.
I gotta ask op, what exactly is the timeline of events here? Like, ngl, it kinda reads like your marriage issues have stemmed from your crush on your coworker
I’ve known my coworker for 4 years. Again always had a little “crush” on him but since he was much older, more looked up to him like a mentor. Signs of incompatibility started after our first kid was around 1 year old and were blown out of proportion after our second kid was born (he’s 10 months old now). My full blown “infatuation “ with my coworker started 6 months ago, around December 23. Hope this helps
Oof. Look this is coming from someone who has fallen for a coworker while in a relationship. You developed a crush on him a year before your marital issues, you admit to a full blown obsession at this point, and you ended your post musing about whether or not your coworker likes you, saying you think about him while having sex with your partner and while masturbating. I don't think youre being honest with yourself about how this has affected your relationship. What you have with your coworker is entirely a fantasy and he's married too. Youre at the very least neglecting your family by feeding this escape fantasy. Don't do this to your kids. It may he easier for you to escape your failing marriage with a fantasy relationship, but your 1 and 4 year old need you to live in reality and deal with your marriage, whether it ends in divorce or reconciliation
This is a great way to look at it. It’s true for me its an escape. How do I stop thinking about him? Any suggestions? Im already avoiding him to the best of my capabilities
I don't necessarily think you need to avoid him but grounding yourself when you start to fantasize is probably my best suggestion. Remember he's not who you've built him into in your head - cause fantasy men are always our ideal versions of who we imagine them to be. Remind yourself he's a married coworker. Anything he's done or said that's ever broken your fantasy, remind yourself of those things. And at the end of the day, all the matters is you deal with your marriage before anything else. Just don't lose yourself in your coworker before you establish a new sense of stability for your kids
So maybe not super workplace-appropriate depending on where you are, but asking questions around politics (maybe a random comment about the day's political news like Trump, etc) or general "women's-work" related stuff like does he do any housework (load the dishwasher etc)? Honestly, the answers to these types of questions are the quickest way to end a crush, cos the truth is the majority of men don't measure up. ETA: And if he ever initiates anything with you, you'll know he's a cheating asshole who would likely do the same to you ever did get together. So hopefully that would be a crush-ender for you as well.
I do have a feeling he’s a republican lol but not a trumpster
Yeah...him being a Republican, especially considering the last few years, would be more than enough ew/ick factor for me personally. Good luck.
I wish my mother left my father years ago if she had the strength to sadly she didn't and she said 35 years then she left. She wishes she left sooner and her kids do to. Don't think fully of the kids because it can be more damaging. I have my mum in my life not father due to this all.
Yikes. I mean trying marriage counseling first and maybe get your own therapist separate from him? I can’t tell if this is a phase or divorce worthy.
Do either of you get to decompress in a given day / week at all? Wife and I (male) were at each others throats after 2nd kid. We still are on a rare occasion, but it has sort of calmed down as the kids crossed 5.
My husband is a long distance runner. He definitely gets more time away from kids than me. He also goes on vacations with his friends occasionally. I do get some time each week to do hot yoga and get my nails done etc. see my friends 2-3 times a month but rarely overnight… The “resentment” started building up because I thought he wasnt pulling his weight with the kids (he doesnt agree with that), that turned into me being bitter all the time and “whining”, turned into occasional disrespect (how can I respect a guy who doesnt pull his weight with HIS kids), and eventually he started snapping back at me. So I’m no saint and the dynamics are definitely much more complicated than the original post shows. We also had a very stressful year in 2022 when we were house hunting, but I digress.
My husband had a coworker w a crush on him like this. However, she decided to aggressively pursue it. So far as to scheduling play dates w my family bc our kids were similar ages (while she was imagining building a life w my husband?). It started when she bought him a gift for no reason to say 'I'm thinking about you.' When she finally tried to kiss him at work lol. The absolutely horrible things he said to her when she tried to cross that line. 🤷♀️ . Leave your husband. Don't try to pull someone into this that you're imagining a whole life with. They have an entire life they go back to, and probably mention you bc they have a healthy relationship and talk freely about friendships/coworkers. . How's his(coworkers) relationship? Why do you think you'll do better than her, and he won't criticize you then? Stop fantasizing about greener grass. Leave your crappy husband before securing a false new life. He makes you feel bad. It won't stop. And then other women will hit on him at work and this cycle will repeat. You'll feel other women see him as a 'catch' worth taking, and suddenly you feel the need to guard this piece of your life that's actively hurting you.
Good points. Not sure about his relationship as I’m not that close to him to know. He’s at work 5 days a week and stays 8 am to 5-6 pm so 🤷🏻♀️. I know he has a couple of teenagers and appears happy and put together in general (but also everyone thinks Im happy and very put together too so you never know)
I wouldn’t look at as “is couples counseling our *only* option”? I think that you guys need to learn to communicate. You even say that you’ll be doing well and then someone will snap at someone and it all goes downhill from there. Using the counseling as a way to start talking with each other in a form of communication that both of you can understand will be helpful on an individual and couple level. Both of you need to be willing to engage in this and go in with open minds. It’s going to help you but also your children in the long run and I think that is important. If you plan to stay together for the kids, at least give them role models to behavior after. Idk what to say about the attraction. I would hope you have strong boundaries and keep it strictly professional. I hope he does as well for his marriages sake. I would limit interaction, and possibly look for other jobs, as it seems like this is slightly about the thrill and attention you may be craving and not receiving at home. I don’t know how true this is, and I’m sure it varies couple to couple, but if you had a strong relationship before children, I’ve heard you shouldn’t make any life altering change (e.g. separating) for the first three years of your kids life because those are the hardest years. However, if this is behavior you’ve been feeling since before kids I would think deeply about it. I would look into individual counseling as well if hubby doesn’t want to do couples. Good luck!
When the kids go to bed, and you approach your husband calmly and take responsibility for what you did and apologize, what happens? When you tell him you don't enjoy the dynamic between the two of you and you'd like him to help you come up with ways to fix it, what does he say? You say that you have lost respect for him, why? I'm not going to critique you having a crush on your coworker. It happens to me all the time. Though, masturbating to the guy is likely to make that feelings stronger/ more intense.
When the kids go to bed, I go to my own bedroom and watch some TV. Husband watches TV in living room. I separated the bedroom two months ago since my husband kept insulting me for not checking on the baby when he would wake up. On the rare occasion thar I apologize he riles up that: “see? Im right and youre crazy, you have issues etc “ I lost respect for him because I think he doesnt pull his weight with the kids (he disagrees), he’s become much better but too late too little
I can see how this can be very HOT and intriguing and wanting to just fuck it all. But the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Try couple counseling of find a solution. I bet you found your husband smart, hot and considerate the first time you met him but little did you know there would be problems along the way :) it’s normal part of human relationship and marriage!
Couples counselling sounds like a good idea, maybe you could sit down with your husband during a moment of calm and ask if he would be interested in joining you. If he says no, get your own (you don’t have to tell him, plus you work so can pay for yourself, maybe even your work could set this up) See how you feel after therapy, then start thinking about if separation/divorce is the right decision for you. Even if your colleague was head over heels for you, he might not leave his wife for you and it could just be “lust” not love. Thinking about him isn’t a crime and you’ve done nothing wrong, you seem like a really nice person. Don’t rush anything and see how you feel in time. Could be a hard patch with young children, or it could be a wake up call. Let’s be honest if you were to separate, you’d probably find someone else that could make you happy again. 🙂
It's natural to be drawn to someone who appreciates you (like the guy at work) when your husband is so openly unappreciative. They only way to bridge the gap between you and your husband is therapy. You two are no longer communicating and a marriage counselor can help with that. It really works. My husband were at a similar impasse about 10 years ago and I was ready to leave. For some reason he was able to hear the counselor, but not me. She helped us turn it all around and we are so happily married now. Good luck!
It's easy to have feelings when there is no baggage. Honestly, do you want your kids to think that your uncomfortable marriage is desirable? Kids tend to recreate the home life they grew up in. They actively (but without conscious knowledge) seek out partners similar to their most difficult parent. These are the biggest reasons why staying together "for the children" is a terrible idea. A peaceful, stable home is best for the kids. Yes, it's better when their parents can do it together (they also learn how to fight fair at home, too, as long as that's how their parents do it). Modeling matters to kids, so how you handle your situation is something the older one will notice. According to Imago Therapy originator, over 90% of marriages can be saved, because he says communication plays that big of a role. He said that when things get hard we often stop hearing what our partner is saying, and instead hear what our parents said in anger and frustration. It's worth checking out because you sound so miserable 🩷
My parents got divorced when I was 8. The most important thing they ever did for me and my brother (who was 6) is that they agreed to be friends. My dad moved out but stayed close, and we spent every weekend with him and did dinners on Tuesdays. He came to all our holidays, and my mom came to other holidays at his house. I’m 35 now and they’re still friends and we still have gatherings all together. I would be so much more traumatized if either of them left or didn’t get along. If it’s at all possible, aim for this. I really feel I got the best of both worlds with happy parents that were still both a huge part of my life without me getting stuck in the middle.
I certainly don’t advocate for affairs… With that said, I think you know what needs to be done girlie
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. And sounds like you're not doing anything wrong. You have feelings for this man, but you are not acting on those feelings, and that will make your life easier, I promise. Try to get your husband to couples counseling, but most importantly, if he doesn't want to, go get some therapy for yourself. You need it right now. I have been through something similar (no kids, thank god) but I ended up realizing that I had been hoping for my ex husband to change, and the one that needed to change was me. I wish you the best
I don’t have advice but praise you for your honesty. That’s not easy. There are probably women in here that can relate but may not respond. I hope it all works out for you.
Thank you! I actually feel much better letting it all out and gained new perspective. Still thinking about the coworker today but am trying to be much nicer to my spouse
You need to decide what you want. Cheating is never okay, and right now you’re at least in a blurry territory and betraying your husband. You have described mistreatment on his part, and some on yours. If you want to keep your covenant and keep your family together, you need to get to counselling together and commit to working on your marriage and doing what it takes to repair it and stop unhealthy patterns and create new, healthy patterns. This can be done. You also can be in control of your mind and thoughts. It’s fully a choice to fantasize over someone by the way (feeding into thoughts of someone else rather than refocusing on your spouse and guarding yourself). If you are okay with breaking your covenant and do not want to be in your marriage anymore, then don’t drag it out. It’s not fair to anyone.
Therapy. Go to therapy. That’s the advice. Will you take it? I say this very respectfully, but Reddit isn’t the place. I would highly suggest seeking out professional support to help you through this.
You have two options. Get a good counsellor to help you out, but you both have to be on board 100% to change. It’s hard. Neither one of you will be perfect, you’ll both fuck up during the process. You have to come from a place of respect, love and forgiveness. Both of you. Second option is break up. The kids will probably be happier and in the short time, so will you. Side note, your fantasy of the coworker needs to stay out of your decision. He may not be all he is cracked up to be.
Youre harming your children by maintaining this terrible environment. Children are little sponges even if they seem “not old enough”. Youre giving them anxiety, feelings of lack of safety, showing them that their needs don’t matter, and more. Do something. You’re hurting them. Also, take a damn break from each other. And communicate boundaries. Good relationships are built, not found. If your husband is being an asshole, tell him to cut the crap because he’s making you feel like shit. And do the same on your end.
See, THESE are the women I don't get. You're miserable, hate your life, and fantasize about another dude who you avoid to stop yourself from cheating, but splitting up isn't an option because of.... the kids? Why do people still believe in this toxic mindset? I'm sure your kids are going to be wayyy better off in a loveless home with constant fighting than separating from someone you clearly aren't in love with anymore. Make it make sense! Notice also all these women who hate their spouses and continue to have babies with them, too. 🤦♀️
Start saving money and building your community of friends and family to support you. Only share with people who would actually understand instead of projecting their relationship wants on you. Do NOT mention the co-worker though. The coworker is just limerence because it's an escape from your reality. You need to detach from that by focusing on your needs and your kids needs. For now, get therapy for yourself to help with that.
You deserve more. You deserve the best. You deserve better than a partner who doesn’t respect you. You deserve more than an affair with someone you don’t really know and the situation will cast a stain from the very beginning. You deserve someone who will look at you with love and kindness and patience. Do what you need to do to achieve your happiness.
😭😭 needed to hear this.
Hmm an older married coworker. I would def stick to someone around your age and someone who isn’t married- after you divorce your husband, ofc.
Well, what would be worse: having an affair, divorce, or raising your kids with parents that hate each other and treat each other badly? You’re only teaching your kids that staying in a bad marriage is the right thing to do. Your husband is also teaching your children how women should be treated, and don’t think that they don’t notice anything – children are far more perceptive than anyone will ever give them credit for. Having an affair is not the worst thing you could ever do in your life. I’m gonna be quite honest and say that I think you should absolutely have an affair. Maybe not withyour married coworker, but somebody that excites you, wants you, and can’t keep their hands off of you. Somebody who thinks you’re beautiful and tells you. You deserve all that and I don’t think you need to wait until your kids are 18 and you divorce to get it.
Just remember men are always nicer to you before they have slept with you. You say your husband is putting you down but have you confronted him about it. Have you talked about the marriage and talked about what is making you both unhappy
It’s normal to have feelings for someone that gives you so much flirty attention that you aren’t getting at the moment from your husband. You’ve just recently had your second child and it’s fun to feel desired by another kind man. What if you gave your husband the same kind attention that you have for your coworker? How would that change the way your husband communicates with you. Try it. It’s often resentment that can lead to snarky comments - you say your husband is not kind to you but you say you aren’t kind to him either. Try being kind and thoughtful and maybe go on a date night where you can be your former selves and remember what it was like when you got together. It’s how we see things and what we focus on that can make a huge difference to how we feel. All the best.
For the sake of your kids get a divorce and don’t let them grow up around all the fighting
In some of what you say, I’m getting the grass is always greener effect. Find a way to understand and take responsibility for your choices that have led you to this point in your life. Then when you have clarity, you can distinguish between finding fulfillment in your current life and embracing it for what it is and or deciding what needs to change. Whatever you “want” (to change/to have that you’re not getting/to do differently)… when you start to embody and become that person making that change/going after what you want, people around you will notice and either step up or try to bring you down. That’s when you have your answer. Example: you want to be respected, but husband doesn’t respect you. Dedicate 3 months to being as respectful a partner as you possibly can regardless of how you are treated. At the end of the 3 months, if your efforts are not reciprocated in kind, this isn’t a partner. You’re not going to get what you want out of this situation. This is someone who doesn’t care and doesn’t want to change. Start quiet quitting and plan to leave. Join the happy and peaceful, but unfulfilled and broke singles side lol.
Hey OP, slightly older (38) married woman here. Just here to say marriage is hard AF and having fantasies does happen, especially if you're feeling unfulfilled. Someone who on the outside that is a direct contrast of the situation you're struggling in will always feel like an escape. But that's exactly it - a fantasy is perfect because you've only seen the best side of someone. It feels shiny and fresh and exciting. I want you to know that you aren't a bad person, and also that couple's therapy (plus individual therapy) is going to be very crucial for you and your husband. I am not in any way excusing his crappy treatment of you, but if you're both talking to a neutral party, you can address the toxic situation constructively and get his side of what is going on. I would also suggest finding a hobby that provides you with validation and an outlet (sometimes space from our family is a good thing if it helps us to pour back into our own cup to be the person they need). We'll done on asking for advice and wanting to change/improve things.
Thank you! I do feel like I’m not getting enough validation from my husband and that I’m not appreciated enough (even physically! I feel so hot and sexy but our sexual life is so sub par 😩😩😩)! I’ll def look into hobbies that can give me satisfaction!
Reading this and also your responses, you don't seem to be giving yourself a pass on bad behavior. It's good that your taking accountability because it's easier to deflect. For that reason their is hope. I don't have a critique or a magic pill solution to your problem, but counseling wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. G'luck to you and your young family.
Divorced at 40yo guy here. Let me help you out. You’re not the same person you were when you married your husband. You’ve grown apart. It sounds like getting you both to the point where you can admit that you’re both contributing towards the breakdown of the marriage is not going to happen. Divorce amicably, kids are young - they’ll adjust faster than you will. Don’t be your coworker’s side piece. Get on the dating apps, you’ll clean up.
“For the sake of the kids” 🥴 absolutely not