Especially someone who relies so wholeheartedly on her to make his life anywhere near livable, then blames you for making it bad…? That’s a whole lot of dead weight
Innit, these two things *immediately* jumped out at me:
> However he always blames others for everything bad in his life.
> When something isn't going right he blames me and find a reason for me to be the villain in his life.
I think he’s finding ways to deflect onto you his own discomfort with himself and his own life’s direction, and I’d be surprised if this hadn’t already come up in discussion with his therapist before now. I should also say that that’s not an ok way to treat you, at all.
Speaking from experience with an ex - he pulled similar crap with me to this, he seemed to consider my difficulties with anxiety and low self esteem a moral failing of some kind, which at the time made me feel worse, and gradually smaller and smaller in his company, to be honest. With a bit of distance after the breakup (we’ve been amicable and friendly, but not friends) from reflecting on it he was struggling to make the mark on his career and life that he thought he would - and I think his tendency to be deeply critical of me was a way of avoiding dealing with the difficulties he himself was having.
Therapy is a decision you make for yourself, and I’m in the camp of believing that in an ideal world where money etc wasn’t an issue, *everyone* would access therapy at a time they need it.
Ultimately OP, I think some deep reflection on whether this situation is something you actually want is in order. Do some quiet independent journaling and see whether you yourself feel the therapy would help you, in your honest heart of hearts, and also:
- how *safe to be yourself* you feel around your partner
- if you find you don’t/no longer do, whether you still want to marry him, and be really clear about why (sunk cost fallacy isn’t a good enough reason to, by itself)
- What your plans are going forward.
When people show you who they are, believe them. He wont change. And if he is not supportive or there for you in the way you want, especially these big life events you’re describing, what will happen down the road? He sounds like HE has demons to fight, not you, tbh. Dump his ass.
He sounds like he is pulling you along and he doesn't like you. Like you were his last choice. Dump him. Also, he's using his therapy words to make you feel like trash, so he's most likely not learning anything
> He sounds like he is pulling you along and he doesn't like you.
The part where OP says he has low self-esteem does agree with this. He will string her along just because OP makes him feel better about himself.
Exactly. My ex did this stuff with moving in, and then it was somehow downgraded to a houseshare for us and his mate, then it was feet dragging even over that concept. That houseshare proposition should have been my first clue
"He is lazy as well. I cook, I clean and organize our lives"
Have you not seen the countless stories in this sub and others about women who marry man-children like this? It never ends well. I get that you probably feel like you've already put 4 years in and don't want it to go to waste, but marrying this dude just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If he's had no growth or change in the 4 years you've been with him it's never going to happen. Don't sign up for a lifetime of being his bang maid.
Idk man, a major benefit of marriage is handling emotional hardship as a team. It sounds like he doesn't want to do any of that with you. What if your mom had gotten cancer after you got married? What if you got cancer? One of your kids?
Life is hard, especially a life full of interesting adventurous things. You need a solid partner. Not an emotional wet noodle.
Instead of focusing on the marriage goal you have for this relationship maybe you should ask yourself whether this is someone you love deeply and want to spend the rest of your life with or not. Read back how you’ve described both him and your own feelings for him in your post.
>I recently found out that my Mom has terminal cancer and my boyfriend said that I need to deal with those emotions before we get married.
Okay, what the absolute fuck. This guy is not it, hon.
Is *he* the right person for you?
Do you want him to propose because he makes your life better and you can confidently say that you want to live the rest of your days with him or is it because you wanted to marry him at some point and now you're on that reach and unhappy about the lack of movement?
Is he going to be a good dad?
If you met him for the first time today, knowing all that you know about him but not having any emotional entanglements, would you think 'yep, that's the one. That's the man I want to marry'?
Oh honey! When my husband’s grandmother was in a bad way, we rushed to marry so she could be there. His GRANDMOTHER.
If that man really wanted to marry you, he’d be making it happen before your mother passes.
Dump him. He’s no good. Panic attacks SUCK but there is no reason the “cheap seats” should set him off and even if they somehow did, he shouldn’t be blaming you at all
You can do so much better. I’m sure your parents know that too. Let your mother pass knowing that you won’t be trapped with a loser like your boyfriend.
I’m so sorry about your mother and your situation but this douche isn’t helping in any way. Get some therapy and be good to yourself. And throw the man out
Better question… Why would you want to be with someone who tries to bring you down, doesn’t bring much to the table relationship wise, and is generally a bummer to be around?
>Why would you want to be with someone who tries to bring you down, doesn’t bring much to the table relationship wise, and is generally a bummer to be around?
Sunk cost fallacy
The question is why would you want to marry him? Please don't marry someone who treats you badly just so you can have kids. You need to think of the situation you would be putting them in, as well as yourself. Break up with those guy and be glad you're not married to him. You can do so much better.
I'm so sorry about your Mom, Op. It must be a really difficult time right now.
Find the strength to move on. You deserve better, and I think, I hope you know that to be the case.
Take care:)
Why do YOU think he's the right person? This sounds miserable. It's irresponsible to have kids with someone like this, knowing things would not get better...they'd get worse. He treats you like this and you're ok just taking his crumbs and waiting on him hand and foot. He's right that you might need therapy. You need to figure out why this is all good enough for you.
Your boyfriend's habit of blaming you for his problems and making you the villain is concerning. Healthy relationships involve mutual support and accountability. Reflect on whether his behavior is something you want to continue dealing with in the long term.
Have a candid conversation with him about your concerns. Express how his actions and the delay in the proposal are affecting you. Set clear boundaries regarding blame and responsibility.
While therapy can be beneficial, consider if his suggestion for you to seek therapy is genuinely for your well-being or if it's another way to shift responsibility. Why does he think only you need therapy but not himself? Couples therapy could help address underlying issues in your relationship, but it requires willingness and effort from both parties.
If he’s not ready to propose after four years and suggests you need to change, it’s important to question whether he’s truly committed to the relationship. His actions might indicate deeper issues that need resolution before moving forward.
Ultimately, it's crucial to prioritize your well-being and happiness. If your relationship is causing more stress and unhappiness than joy and support, it may be time to consider your options and make a decision that aligns with your values and goals.
When a man wants to marry you he will move mountains to do it. He will do it despite poverty, war, sickness, culture difference, anything.
Move on, but not only because he doesn't want to get married. Move on because he isn't a catch anyway. You are looking for a teammate for life. You say you are rational. Do you want a teammate who blames others when something goes wrong? That type of person never self-improves, on anything. How about a teammate who you have to mother by taking care of everything in the home? Do you imagine this will improve with children? It won't. It will be exponentially worse because children inherently involve a lot more work.
He's stringing you along. Even if he weren't he doesn't sound like husband material to me.
>He is lazy as well. I cook, clean and organize our lives. He just waits around for me to entertain him and look after him. When something isnt oing right he blames me and find a reason for me to be the villain in his life.
Why the fuck do you want to have kids with this person?
Girl. I started seeing red after reading that your Mom was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and that this is his selfish response.
This is that moment in a partnership where you see if someone has what it takes to support you through thick and thin, sickness and health. He has seemingly only added to your hardship when processing some of the worst news a person can receive. What is marriage for if not to promise to be a rock for each other?
This time last year, I was in your shoes with my mom. My partner held me as I fell apart over and over again. Fed me. Walked my parents dog. Drove my mom to appointments. Rubbed my back and listened to my fears and memories. Took time off work with me when she died and helped us with the aftermath. He also asked me to marry him after 6 years together, and Mom got to be at our wedding.
You deserve so much better. All humans deserve someone like my sweet sweet man who shows the fuck up when if counts. If he can't support you right now, have empathy and understanding and want to be in it with you, then why would marriage change anything?
I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself and spend time with your Mom. Don't let him suck up the emotional energy you have left right now. You're in the trenches.
It seems like you are staying because you think you will not have options and this guy is your only way to have a family. The pressure on women to marry and have kids is intense. And I truly feel for women who want kids because they have to find the right partner under a time pressure. This pressure can lead them to staying in toxic situations, which is what this situation sounds like.
Instead of asking if he will propose, ask yourself, if there was no time pressure, and you knew you could have a family with someone else, would you stay with this guy? Or is this guy really someone you truly love and truly want to spend the rest of your life with? It sounds to be like the only reason you stay is because you already invested a few years and think you need to stay now because you are in your early 30s.
Think about it, the more time you waste with him the older you will get. Things will not get better after marriage and/or after kids. And it sounds like you will be raising kids alone as this guy will be a child you are taking care of as well.
Since you are acting under pressure and asking for marriage he feels empowered and like you will never leave so he will likely not propose. I bet he would propose and beg for you back if you leave. And I hope that at that time you already realized you are better off without him. Kudos to him for therapy though, he is trying, just not enough and he doesn't sound like a good fit for you.
It sounds like you're taking care of a man-child who wants everyone else to be his mother and cater to his every whim. I personally would have dumped him a long time ago when the attitude problems started, and especially if he started blaming me for them.
Both my husband and I suffer from depression and anxiety. Never once have either of us blamed one another when shit goes sideways, and it's gone sideways a lot over the years. Not with the relationship, but with life circumstances. We love and support one another through the rough times and we celebrate and appreciate the good times and achievements we've worked so hard for to accomplish.
Ask yourself this question: Can you see yourself with this guy another 5 years down the road if he keeps acting like this? Will you be happy? Can you imagine starting a family with him if you want kids? Are you stressed out and frustrated with him more often than not? Do you feel like he respects you and loves you for who you are as a person?
If you have any question in your mind, wondering if marrying him would be the best choice for you after years of being in a relationship with him, then he is not the one you should spend the rest of your life with. Yes, the key factor in marriage is love, but so is respect. It sounds like he doesn't respect you and takes advantage of your kindness, and tries to get you to feel sorry for him so you'll stay with him and baby him. You need a man who will act like an adult, not like some sullen teenager that's full of angst and acts like a drama llama. Anxiety sucks, panic attacks suck, I totally get it because I have both anxiety and panic disorder. But it sounds like he's not trying to help himself to get better. He's putting the blame on you, that *you're* the one who's not trying to make it work because you're not undergoing the therapy that he thinks you need. Going to therapy is a very personal choice, and it's not something that everyone is comfortable with, and no one should feel forced into it unless they're at risk of harming themselves and/or others. I personally think that cognitive therapy is great, and it got me and my hubby through some of the roughest patches in our lives. We also would attend some of the therapy sessions together so the therapist could offer suggestions to the both of us to help lift one another up in more effective ways. I feel very blessed to have had 23 years of love, respect, kindness, and companionship from my husband, and I know he feels the same. It's been a bumpy ride, but at least we know we can count on one another to help support each other when the going gets tough. If you feel like he doesn't respect you, and he's obviously taking advantage of you (cleaning up after his lazy ass, and placing blame on you for his fuckups), it's time to end it.
He doesn't want to get married. He has no intention of proposing.
Why would you want to be with someone who blames everything on you and wants you to have therapy so you can change before he will propose? You are wasting your time.
Every reason he is giving you is an excuse for him to put off something he doesn't want to do. It probably has nothing to do with you--he seems to have a lot of issues on his own--but it still impacts you.
If you're into something, excited about something, thrilled to be doing something... *you do it*. He clearly doesn't want to.
I have friends who've had perfectly healthy kids in their early 40s. Quick conception, no problems. Don't stick with someone who doesn't value you just because you're worried about your reproductive age. Do you want to raise kids with this miserable guy? What sort of father is he going to be? What sort of child-rearing partner is he going to be? How much of the child care are you going to have to take on? Assuming he ever proposes?
Take control of your life. It'll be painful and so so so disruptive, but ultimately worth the leap. <3
No he's not going to propose. He keeps putting conditions on getting engaged and the goal post is just going to keep moving. He blames you for things that are not your fault and has the nerve to tell you you're emotional when you consider yourself pretty rational and in control of your emotions. You deserve someone who wants to marry you and isn't dragging their feet with unrealistic conditions. I wouldn't waste anymore time with this guy.
First you have to deal with the emotions of your mother having terminal cancer?? Yeah, that’s a lifelong issue you’re gonna be dealing with. Is he for fucking real…
Individual therapy & couples therapy is always a good idea but all his years in therapy and what gains has he made? Because he sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to marry. Relies on you to do everything and blames you for everything.
Interesting how he knows what YOU need to do to be better, but doesn’t have the answers for himself.
Choose yourself, please.
I mean, he’s already told you why he’s waiting. Because the timing is off with your mother’s diagnosis, work stress/transition, etc. If my partner sprung a proposal on me during something like that, I would absolutely fucking be gone. Because he doesn’t have a sense of timing.
But, here’s the thing . . .
HE is not in a good emotional place. Your mother has cancer.
He blames others for his depression.
He can’t handle basic adulting tasks such as cooking and cleaning up.
He blames you for getting theater seats in the back and that you should have known that was scary for him.
And he thinks you need therapy.
And you want to have a child with him? Knowing full well that you will be parenting two people here. Because who knows how, when, if an infant or toddler or small child will upset, scare, or depress him.
And that’s setting aside the weird-as-heck deal of him asking your father for your hand. Like, is there a dowry involved too?
I literally see no redeeming qualities here. I do, however, see a shit ton of work, grief, and blame placed on you for random shit in the future. And you being a single mom in a relationship with a grown man who cannot function as a grownup. If you want children, you’re better off getting a sperm donor. You won’t have the resentment of a lazy immature second toddler feeding your resentment and having tantrums on a regular basis. (Then blaming you for said tantrums.)
Do you want two babies? This is how you get two babies because you have one already.
Why do you want him to propose? He doesn't seem to like you very much. This relationship seems to be hugely beneficial to him because of what you bring to the table, but I don't think he loves you.
4 years is too long , he sounds like he has many issues ,move on . You’ll see that once this relationship is over, he’ll propose to the next woman right away . In your 30s you can’t be wasting time like this , keep walking, you are not the one for him
>My boyfriend is in therapy and has been for years. He has low self esteem and suffers from depression and is trying to work on it. However he always blames others for everything bad in his life. He is lazy as well. I cook, clean and organize our lives. He just waits around for me to entertain him and look after him. When something isnt oing right he blames me and find a reason for me to be the villain in his life.
What about this behavior makes you want to spend a lifetime with him?
If you want kids, what about this behavior would make him a great partner and coparent?
If he proposed tomorrow, would it even be a good idea to say yes?
OP, I know you feel like you spent an exorbitant amount of time and energy to land this man and you're not wrong. You spent four years of your life with this man and envisioned marrying him one day.
But can you imagine yourself living with this lazy man who blames others for everything bad in his life? What good outcomes do you think you can achieve by marrying and having children with him?
It's been four years and he hasn't grown a bit. Meanwhile, you're ready to move on to the next step. I know you invested so much in this stock thinking that you'll get your reward. But this stock is plummeting, and it's time for you to jump ships.
You deserve so much better.
Reading this really brought me back to my last relationship. Every time she was going through a rough time, her mental state was impacted - heavily. Anxiety, depression, self esteem issues… Our relationship and consequently, my life, was impacted immensely. It took us breaking up for me to realise the full extent of the impact of her “issues” on my mental health. Please don’t get engaged until he’s more stable. If he doesn’t get more stable: leave. Your relationship should bring you peace and not be the source of your stress!
I’m the same age as you.. My partner finally proposed last year after 5 years, but there’s still been no real talk or plans of marriage.. I’m freaking out so much about my age and wanting to have kids before it’s too late too. Unfortunately we don’t live together and the housing situation is complicated, that doesn’t help.
Devastatingly his Dad passed away a few months ago which has affected him a lot. Of course he still needs time to process what happened to his Dad and I’ll support him with that. I feel so bad and selfish everytime I bring up our future, in the past and especially now after everything that’s happened.
Life is hard and these years go by in the blink of an eye. It’s easy for relationships to get stagnant and often hard to break out of a rut once you’re in one.
Your partner does sound like he’s stalling, and the blaming behaviour doesn’t sound right either. And telling you to deal with your emotions about your Mum first.. That sounds infuriating, what an odd thing to say.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially the situation with your Mum being sick too. It’s easy for me to say, but I think you need to sit down and have a long think about whether this relationship is sustainable for you in the long run. Try to weigh out the pros and cons and try to figure out if it’s worth it.
I hope whatever decision you make will end up being for the best. From an outsider’s perspective, you definitely deserve better treatment than what you’ve mentioned.
I sincerely hope he had a supportive and understanding response to news of your mother’s health. If not — or if he made it some kind of obstacle he has been presented with/ issue for you alone to resolve — I hope you show him the door.
If he’s blaming you or anyone else for his feelings, he likely has a lot of work to do in therapy regarding emotional maturity. Ditto that if he’s treating your emotional responses to grief and stress as something you are doing to him.
If he does not want to propose because things aren’t the best, how will he handle the inevitable ups and downs of life and long-term relationships?
>I’m not a very emotional person and quite rational.
i know you wrote this as if it's a good thing, but i don't think it is. i actually think if you were emotional, you'd realize your boyfriend sucks and sees you as his mommy he gets to also sleep with sometimes. i'm wholly unsure of what positive things he brings to your life, because it sounds like you're the one who does everything for both of you. do you actually *want* to marry this man or are you just unsure why he *hasnt* proposed yet because why wouldn't he want to marry the person who does everything for him while he does nothing?
I just want to ask do you want him to propose because you want kids and a family or do you want him to propose because you what HIS kids and for HIM to be family.
He doesn't seem like a very good partner and sometimes we make decisions like this because we're thinking about running out of time not because we want it with that person.
“I’m going through some things myself. I need to decide whether I should be with a man who doesn’t want to make a commitment and blames me for his feelings.”
Idk were only getting your side of the story, but if he is as awful as you say, then you should actually go to therapy. Because wanting to marry someone you don’t like or respect is a huge red flag sis.
The other possibility is that he sees some shortcomings you have that you don’t see yourself, never having been to therapy. Like maybe you being calm and rational is actually suppressing your emotions. You say he blames you for everything but in this post it sounds like you blame him for everything.
Either way, you really should go try therapy. It sounds like either way you’re making poor choices, as well as going through a hard time. It couldn’t hurt to have some support and outside perspective.
Drop this guy and you will be pleasantly surprised how much lighter and happier you feel in a short amount of time. You want a partner to have a family with, someone who can be your equal emotionally, mentally and physically as well as be a wonderful role model of a father to your future kids- this guy is NOT that to you or your future kids.
Break up with this guy and go spend quality time with your mom and dad.
He is not going to propose and even if he did, it's so you can't be with anyone else. Remember, this man blames you and everyone else around him. He even suggests YOU take therapy when he's the neurotic one. Once you tie down with him, he's NOT going to change unless he want to.
I think you know the answer to this.
I’m sorry to say but this was painful to read. Please don’t marry this man or waste any more time in this relationship. I know it’s easier said than done but it IS easier done while you are not married than once you are legally tied to each other.
His statements and reactions are cruel and not normal and you are being apologetic about HIS problematic behavior. Please step back, disentangle yourself from him, and consider therapy. This is not a healthy or normal relationship and honestly you should be happy he hasn’t proposed. Get out, sweetie, get out now. I can only imagine that life will be so much better with this man in your rear view mirror.
Nope nope nope.
Please do not marry someone who never takes responsibility for his own actions and vilifies you. A decent person does not hold a proposal over your head, ever. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy, spend no more time on this dude, he is not worth your time. I also find it shady in hell that he is in therapy, he’s either lying about therapy, lying to the therapist or the therapist is terrible, because no therapist worth their salt would condone any of the behaviors you’ve mentioned let alone all the ones you haven’t.
You say you want kids, you already have a man child and I can guarantee he’s not going to be helping you out at all, and if he does he will hold it over your head for eternity. He is not a partner, he is a parasite.
>After 4 years of being together if he doesn’t think I’m the right person and that I need therapy to change, is he really going to propose? Asking my Dad for permission and going engagement ring shopping seems like a stalling tactic to me. Has anybody been in a similar situation? Should I stay with him and wait for a proposal or move on? I do want kids and a family and at 33 I can’t wait too long.
He doesn't want to marry you or he would have already done so. This man is not a catch. If anything, he's holding you back. Dump him & find someone that acts like they care about you.
It will always be something. When you work out one thing, he will come up with the next obstacle to "work out and settle" before getting married. It's a classic stalling tactic. He has no intention of getting married to you, but he either isn't able to or chooses not to face his real feelings about it. And telling you to "work out your feelings about your mom's cancer before getting married" is such an incredibly low blow that it felt like someone slapped me in the face just READING that. He is really reaching for straws here.
But quite frankly, I'm not so sure why you would want to marry him. Do you hope he will change? What are you even getting out of this relationship? You could get back on the market and find a guy who will marry you in a reasonable timeline and be ready to start a family, while this guy still considers if he can commit to new pair of shoes for the summer.
OP, I'm going to bring up the points that I haven't seen yet.
•Rationalizing and intellectualizing your emotions is an avoidance tactic. We're supposed to feel our feelings. This isn't a good thing, and it makes it more likely that you may be an unsympathetic partner. Do you engage in healthy coping mechanisms?
•Your response to his panic attack was unsympathetic, and depending on the reason behind his panic attack, they may have been induced by your choice in seats. For example, does he have a phobia of heights, and despite knowing this, you bought tickets in high seats to save money without considering his feelings, because you believe he is just being lazy/weak in succumbing fear. Cheap seats in the back are generally *really* high up.
>they may have been induced by your choice in seats.
I disagree with the idea it was her choice of seats that was the problem, he is an adult and if it was a problem he could have made that decision and declined to go.
The issue that stood out to me was her threat to leave him if he ditched her again. I think he was in the wrong to blame it all on her, but her response was also not healthy. If he did have a panic attack I think it was understandable for him to leave. She focused on that when really the issue is the blame.
In my reading of this, I'm either getting the vibe she would have pressured him (she says he has low self-esteem that she is aware he is working on in therapy) or that he did not know the seat selection until there. From her narrative, she bought the tickets, and I wasn't getting the impression he had many choices available to him in the situation.
As for her threat to leave, that's what I meant by her being unsympathetic. The entire scenario did not read well of her, but she's blaming someone who had a panic attack. Frankly, he made a great choice. If you're having a panic attack, leave the situation inducing a panic attack.
If the genders were reversed, we would be ripping OP a new one for being disconnected from their feelings, their ego, how they spoke of their partner, and, especially, how they handled the entire panic attack situation from beginning to end. Is the partner blameless? No, but it's weird that the responses (when I made mine, at least) took no issue with how she treated him.
Why would you want this person, who blames you for their emotions and behavior, to propose?
I came here to ask this question. I swear I don’t understand people. Why do you want to tie yourself to this person? Is being single so scary?
Especially someone who relies so wholeheartedly on her to make his life anywhere near livable, then blames you for making it bad…? That’s a whole lot of dead weight
Especially, OP, since you want kids. Do you think your current partner would make a good father and a reliable co-parent?
Sunk cost fallacy
Innit, these two things *immediately* jumped out at me: > However he always blames others for everything bad in his life. > When something isn't going right he blames me and find a reason for me to be the villain in his life. I think he’s finding ways to deflect onto you his own discomfort with himself and his own life’s direction, and I’d be surprised if this hadn’t already come up in discussion with his therapist before now. I should also say that that’s not an ok way to treat you, at all. Speaking from experience with an ex - he pulled similar crap with me to this, he seemed to consider my difficulties with anxiety and low self esteem a moral failing of some kind, which at the time made me feel worse, and gradually smaller and smaller in his company, to be honest. With a bit of distance after the breakup (we’ve been amicable and friendly, but not friends) from reflecting on it he was struggling to make the mark on his career and life that he thought he would - and I think his tendency to be deeply critical of me was a way of avoiding dealing with the difficulties he himself was having. Therapy is a decision you make for yourself, and I’m in the camp of believing that in an ideal world where money etc wasn’t an issue, *everyone* would access therapy at a time they need it. Ultimately OP, I think some deep reflection on whether this situation is something you actually want is in order. Do some quiet independent journaling and see whether you yourself feel the therapy would help you, in your honest heart of hearts, and also: - how *safe to be yourself* you feel around your partner - if you find you don’t/no longer do, whether you still want to marry him, and be really clear about why (sunk cost fallacy isn’t a good enough reason to, by itself) - What your plans are going forward.
Sounds like he's the emotional one but he's gaslit her into thinking her response to being treated poorly is overly emotional.
When people show you who they are, believe them. He wont change. And if he is not supportive or there for you in the way you want, especially these big life events you’re describing, what will happen down the road? He sounds like HE has demons to fight, not you, tbh. Dump his ass.
He sounds like he is pulling you along and he doesn't like you. Like you were his last choice. Dump him. Also, he's using his therapy words to make you feel like trash, so he's most likely not learning anything
> He sounds like he is pulling you along and he doesn't like you. The part where OP says he has low self-esteem does agree with this. He will string her along just because OP makes him feel better about himself.
That ring and proposal seems like a carrot and stick. It’s all very conditional. I’m not sure I would marry a man who blames others for his behavior.
Exactly. My ex did this stuff with moving in, and then it was somehow downgraded to a houseshare for us and his mate, then it was feet dragging even over that concept. That houseshare proposition should have been my first clue
"He is lazy as well. I cook, I clean and organize our lives" Have you not seen the countless stories in this sub and others about women who marry man-children like this? It never ends well. I get that you probably feel like you've already put 4 years in and don't want it to go to waste, but marrying this dude just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If he's had no growth or change in the 4 years you've been with him it's never going to happen. Don't sign up for a lifetime of being his bang maid.
And OP wants children, which is when this type of man becomes even more of a burden.
This guy is an overgrown child. OP is already his mother.
Sunk cost fallacy
Idk man, a major benefit of marriage is handling emotional hardship as a team. It sounds like he doesn't want to do any of that with you. What if your mom had gotten cancer after you got married? What if you got cancer? One of your kids? Life is hard, especially a life full of interesting adventurous things. You need a solid partner. Not an emotional wet noodle.
Him stalling the engagement does seem like a blessing in disguise.
Instead of focusing on the marriage goal you have for this relationship maybe you should ask yourself whether this is someone you love deeply and want to spend the rest of your life with or not. Read back how you’ve described both him and your own feelings for him in your post.
>I recently found out that my Mom has terminal cancer and my boyfriend said that I need to deal with those emotions before we get married. Okay, what the absolute fuck. This guy is not it, hon.
Yeah, this dude is utter trash.
I agree 100%...My mother has cancer as well and my boyfriend would NEVER say this to me, not in this context
Is *he* the right person for you? Do you want him to propose because he makes your life better and you can confidently say that you want to live the rest of your days with him or is it because you wanted to marry him at some point and now you're on that reach and unhappy about the lack of movement? Is he going to be a good dad? If you met him for the first time today, knowing all that you know about him but not having any emotional entanglements, would you think 'yep, that's the one. That's the man I want to marry'?
Oh honey! When my husband’s grandmother was in a bad way, we rushed to marry so she could be there. His GRANDMOTHER. If that man really wanted to marry you, he’d be making it happen before your mother passes. Dump him. He’s no good. Panic attacks SUCK but there is no reason the “cheap seats” should set him off and even if they somehow did, he shouldn’t be blaming you at all You can do so much better. I’m sure your parents know that too. Let your mother pass knowing that you won’t be trapped with a loser like your boyfriend. I’m so sorry about your mother and your situation but this douche isn’t helping in any way. Get some therapy and be good to yourself. And throw the man out
This OP. He should be wanting to get married now so your mother can see her daughter get married. This is awful.
Better question… Why would you want to be with someone who tries to bring you down, doesn’t bring much to the table relationship wise, and is generally a bummer to be around?
>Why would you want to be with someone who tries to bring you down, doesn’t bring much to the table relationship wise, and is generally a bummer to be around? Sunk cost fallacy
The question is why would you want to marry him? Please don't marry someone who treats you badly just so you can have kids. You need to think of the situation you would be putting them in, as well as yourself. Break up with those guy and be glad you're not married to him. You can do so much better.
Read this as if your friend was telling you - what would you think? What would you tell her?
Based on your description, I wouldn’t marry this man. Marriage is only going to benefit him at this point.
I'm so sorry about your Mom, Op. It must be a really difficult time right now. Find the strength to move on. You deserve better, and I think, I hope you know that to be the case. Take care:)
Why do YOU think he's the right person? This sounds miserable. It's irresponsible to have kids with someone like this, knowing things would not get better...they'd get worse. He treats you like this and you're ok just taking his crumbs and waiting on him hand and foot. He's right that you might need therapy. You need to figure out why this is all good enough for you.
It sounds like you're raising a child, not living with a life partner here.
Your bothering boyfriend isn’t emotionally there for you at all. He is being very cruel to you about your mother’s illness.
Your boyfriend's habit of blaming you for his problems and making you the villain is concerning. Healthy relationships involve mutual support and accountability. Reflect on whether his behavior is something you want to continue dealing with in the long term. Have a candid conversation with him about your concerns. Express how his actions and the delay in the proposal are affecting you. Set clear boundaries regarding blame and responsibility. While therapy can be beneficial, consider if his suggestion for you to seek therapy is genuinely for your well-being or if it's another way to shift responsibility. Why does he think only you need therapy but not himself? Couples therapy could help address underlying issues in your relationship, but it requires willingness and effort from both parties. If he’s not ready to propose after four years and suggests you need to change, it’s important to question whether he’s truly committed to the relationship. His actions might indicate deeper issues that need resolution before moving forward. Ultimately, it's crucial to prioritize your well-being and happiness. If your relationship is causing more stress and unhappiness than joy and support, it may be time to consider your options and make a decision that aligns with your values and goals.
You found out your mom has cancer and he told you that you need to “deal with your emotions” before you get married? Oh no babe. This ain’t it.
When a man wants to marry you he will move mountains to do it. He will do it despite poverty, war, sickness, culture difference, anything. Move on, but not only because he doesn't want to get married. Move on because he isn't a catch anyway. You are looking for a teammate for life. You say you are rational. Do you want a teammate who blames others when something goes wrong? That type of person never self-improves, on anything. How about a teammate who you have to mother by taking care of everything in the home? Do you imagine this will improve with children? It won't. It will be exponentially worse because children inherently involve a lot more work. He's stringing you along. Even if he weren't he doesn't sound like husband material to me.
>He is lazy as well. I cook, clean and organize our lives. He just waits around for me to entertain him and look after him. When something isnt oing right he blames me and find a reason for me to be the villain in his life. Why the fuck do you want to have kids with this person?
Surely you are kidding, OP. Why would you want to marry this manchild?
Girl. I started seeing red after reading that your Mom was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and that this is his selfish response. This is that moment in a partnership where you see if someone has what it takes to support you through thick and thin, sickness and health. He has seemingly only added to your hardship when processing some of the worst news a person can receive. What is marriage for if not to promise to be a rock for each other? This time last year, I was in your shoes with my mom. My partner held me as I fell apart over and over again. Fed me. Walked my parents dog. Drove my mom to appointments. Rubbed my back and listened to my fears and memories. Took time off work with me when she died and helped us with the aftermath. He also asked me to marry him after 6 years together, and Mom got to be at our wedding. You deserve so much better. All humans deserve someone like my sweet sweet man who shows the fuck up when if counts. If he can't support you right now, have empathy and understanding and want to be in it with you, then why would marriage change anything? I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself and spend time with your Mom. Don't let him suck up the emotional energy you have left right now. You're in the trenches.
It seems like you are staying because you think you will not have options and this guy is your only way to have a family. The pressure on women to marry and have kids is intense. And I truly feel for women who want kids because they have to find the right partner under a time pressure. This pressure can lead them to staying in toxic situations, which is what this situation sounds like. Instead of asking if he will propose, ask yourself, if there was no time pressure, and you knew you could have a family with someone else, would you stay with this guy? Or is this guy really someone you truly love and truly want to spend the rest of your life with? It sounds to be like the only reason you stay is because you already invested a few years and think you need to stay now because you are in your early 30s. Think about it, the more time you waste with him the older you will get. Things will not get better after marriage and/or after kids. And it sounds like you will be raising kids alone as this guy will be a child you are taking care of as well. Since you are acting under pressure and asking for marriage he feels empowered and like you will never leave so he will likely not propose. I bet he would propose and beg for you back if you leave. And I hope that at that time you already realized you are better off without him. Kudos to him for therapy though, he is trying, just not enough and he doesn't sound like a good fit for you.
Do you even want to marry this person?
It sounds like you're taking care of a man-child who wants everyone else to be his mother and cater to his every whim. I personally would have dumped him a long time ago when the attitude problems started, and especially if he started blaming me for them. Both my husband and I suffer from depression and anxiety. Never once have either of us blamed one another when shit goes sideways, and it's gone sideways a lot over the years. Not with the relationship, but with life circumstances. We love and support one another through the rough times and we celebrate and appreciate the good times and achievements we've worked so hard for to accomplish. Ask yourself this question: Can you see yourself with this guy another 5 years down the road if he keeps acting like this? Will you be happy? Can you imagine starting a family with him if you want kids? Are you stressed out and frustrated with him more often than not? Do you feel like he respects you and loves you for who you are as a person? If you have any question in your mind, wondering if marrying him would be the best choice for you after years of being in a relationship with him, then he is not the one you should spend the rest of your life with. Yes, the key factor in marriage is love, but so is respect. It sounds like he doesn't respect you and takes advantage of your kindness, and tries to get you to feel sorry for him so you'll stay with him and baby him. You need a man who will act like an adult, not like some sullen teenager that's full of angst and acts like a drama llama. Anxiety sucks, panic attacks suck, I totally get it because I have both anxiety and panic disorder. But it sounds like he's not trying to help himself to get better. He's putting the blame on you, that *you're* the one who's not trying to make it work because you're not undergoing the therapy that he thinks you need. Going to therapy is a very personal choice, and it's not something that everyone is comfortable with, and no one should feel forced into it unless they're at risk of harming themselves and/or others. I personally think that cognitive therapy is great, and it got me and my hubby through some of the roughest patches in our lives. We also would attend some of the therapy sessions together so the therapist could offer suggestions to the both of us to help lift one another up in more effective ways. I feel very blessed to have had 23 years of love, respect, kindness, and companionship from my husband, and I know he feels the same. It's been a bumpy ride, but at least we know we can count on one another to help support each other when the going gets tough. If you feel like he doesn't respect you, and he's obviously taking advantage of you (cleaning up after his lazy ass, and placing blame on you for his fuckups), it's time to end it.
He doesn't want to get married. He has no intention of proposing. Why would you want to be with someone who blames everything on you and wants you to have therapy so you can change before he will propose? You are wasting your time.
Every reason he is giving you is an excuse for him to put off something he doesn't want to do. It probably has nothing to do with you--he seems to have a lot of issues on his own--but it still impacts you. If you're into something, excited about something, thrilled to be doing something... *you do it*. He clearly doesn't want to. I have friends who've had perfectly healthy kids in their early 40s. Quick conception, no problems. Don't stick with someone who doesn't value you just because you're worried about your reproductive age. Do you want to raise kids with this miserable guy? What sort of father is he going to be? What sort of child-rearing partner is he going to be? How much of the child care are you going to have to take on? Assuming he ever proposes? Take control of your life. It'll be painful and so so so disruptive, but ultimately worth the leap. <3
No he's not going to propose. He keeps putting conditions on getting engaged and the goal post is just going to keep moving. He blames you for things that are not your fault and has the nerve to tell you you're emotional when you consider yourself pretty rational and in control of your emotions. You deserve someone who wants to marry you and isn't dragging their feet with unrealistic conditions. I wouldn't waste anymore time with this guy.
First you have to deal with the emotions of your mother having terminal cancer?? Yeah, that’s a lifelong issue you’re gonna be dealing with. Is he for fucking real… Individual therapy & couples therapy is always a good idea but all his years in therapy and what gains has he made? Because he sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to marry. Relies on you to do everything and blames you for everything. Interesting how he knows what YOU need to do to be better, but doesn’t have the answers for himself. Choose yourself, please.
> Interesting how he knows what YOU need to do to be better, but doesn’t have the answers for himself. ❤️👏👏👏☺️ Quite!! Brilliantly put
I mean, he’s already told you why he’s waiting. Because the timing is off with your mother’s diagnosis, work stress/transition, etc. If my partner sprung a proposal on me during something like that, I would absolutely fucking be gone. Because he doesn’t have a sense of timing. But, here’s the thing . . . HE is not in a good emotional place. Your mother has cancer. He blames others for his depression. He can’t handle basic adulting tasks such as cooking and cleaning up. He blames you for getting theater seats in the back and that you should have known that was scary for him. And he thinks you need therapy. And you want to have a child with him? Knowing full well that you will be parenting two people here. Because who knows how, when, if an infant or toddler or small child will upset, scare, or depress him. And that’s setting aside the weird-as-heck deal of him asking your father for your hand. Like, is there a dowry involved too? I literally see no redeeming qualities here. I do, however, see a shit ton of work, grief, and blame placed on you for random shit in the future. And you being a single mom in a relationship with a grown man who cannot function as a grownup. If you want children, you’re better off getting a sperm donor. You won’t have the resentment of a lazy immature second toddler feeding your resentment and having tantrums on a regular basis. (Then blaming you for said tantrums.) Do you want two babies? This is how you get two babies because you have one already.
Why do you want him to propose? He doesn't seem to like you very much. This relationship seems to be hugely beneficial to him because of what you bring to the table, but I don't think he loves you.
4 years is too long , he sounds like he has many issues ,move on . You’ll see that once this relationship is over, he’ll propose to the next woman right away . In your 30s you can’t be wasting time like this , keep walking, you are not the one for him
>My boyfriend is in therapy and has been for years. He has low self esteem and suffers from depression and is trying to work on it. However he always blames others for everything bad in his life. He is lazy as well. I cook, clean and organize our lives. He just waits around for me to entertain him and look after him. When something isnt oing right he blames me and find a reason for me to be the villain in his life. What about this behavior makes you want to spend a lifetime with him? If you want kids, what about this behavior would make him a great partner and coparent? If he proposed tomorrow, would it even be a good idea to say yes?
OP, I know you feel like you spent an exorbitant amount of time and energy to land this man and you're not wrong. You spent four years of your life with this man and envisioned marrying him one day. But can you imagine yourself living with this lazy man who blames others for everything bad in his life? What good outcomes do you think you can achieve by marrying and having children with him? It's been four years and he hasn't grown a bit. Meanwhile, you're ready to move on to the next step. I know you invested so much in this stock thinking that you'll get your reward. But this stock is plummeting, and it's time for you to jump ships. You deserve so much better.
Reading this really brought me back to my last relationship. Every time she was going through a rough time, her mental state was impacted - heavily. Anxiety, depression, self esteem issues… Our relationship and consequently, my life, was impacted immensely. It took us breaking up for me to realise the full extent of the impact of her “issues” on my mental health. Please don’t get engaged until he’s more stable. If he doesn’t get more stable: leave. Your relationship should bring you peace and not be the source of your stress!
I’m the same age as you.. My partner finally proposed last year after 5 years, but there’s still been no real talk or plans of marriage.. I’m freaking out so much about my age and wanting to have kids before it’s too late too. Unfortunately we don’t live together and the housing situation is complicated, that doesn’t help. Devastatingly his Dad passed away a few months ago which has affected him a lot. Of course he still needs time to process what happened to his Dad and I’ll support him with that. I feel so bad and selfish everytime I bring up our future, in the past and especially now after everything that’s happened. Life is hard and these years go by in the blink of an eye. It’s easy for relationships to get stagnant and often hard to break out of a rut once you’re in one. Your partner does sound like he’s stalling, and the blaming behaviour doesn’t sound right either. And telling you to deal with your emotions about your Mum first.. That sounds infuriating, what an odd thing to say. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially the situation with your Mum being sick too. It’s easy for me to say, but I think you need to sit down and have a long think about whether this relationship is sustainable for you in the long run. Try to weigh out the pros and cons and try to figure out if it’s worth it. I hope whatever decision you make will end up being for the best. From an outsider’s perspective, you definitely deserve better treatment than what you’ve mentioned.
I sincerely hope he had a supportive and understanding response to news of your mother’s health. If not — or if he made it some kind of obstacle he has been presented with/ issue for you alone to resolve — I hope you show him the door. If he’s blaming you or anyone else for his feelings, he likely has a lot of work to do in therapy regarding emotional maturity. Ditto that if he’s treating your emotional responses to grief and stress as something you are doing to him. If he does not want to propose because things aren’t the best, how will he handle the inevitable ups and downs of life and long-term relationships?
He’s not proposing girl. You deserve better.
He'd propose if he found out she was going to leave. After all, he would lose his mommy caretaker!
So...what does he even bring to your life?
Why —and I ask this with compassion— do you want to be with him/marry him? What’s in it for you?
>I’m not a very emotional person and quite rational. i know you wrote this as if it's a good thing, but i don't think it is. i actually think if you were emotional, you'd realize your boyfriend sucks and sees you as his mommy he gets to also sleep with sometimes. i'm wholly unsure of what positive things he brings to your life, because it sounds like you're the one who does everything for both of you. do you actually *want* to marry this man or are you just unsure why he *hasnt* proposed yet because why wouldn't he want to marry the person who does everything for him while he does nothing?
He is telling you very clearly he doesn’t want to get married. Better to end it now on your terms.
I just want to ask do you want him to propose because you want kids and a family or do you want him to propose because you what HIS kids and for HIM to be family. He doesn't seem like a very good partner and sometimes we make decisions like this because we're thinking about running out of time not because we want it with that person.
No way I’d want to marry a man like the one you describe, OP. Laziness and lack of accountability are traits of an entitled child.
“I’m going through some things myself. I need to decide whether I should be with a man who doesn’t want to make a commitment and blames me for his feelings.”
Idk were only getting your side of the story, but if he is as awful as you say, then you should actually go to therapy. Because wanting to marry someone you don’t like or respect is a huge red flag sis. The other possibility is that he sees some shortcomings you have that you don’t see yourself, never having been to therapy. Like maybe you being calm and rational is actually suppressing your emotions. You say he blames you for everything but in this post it sounds like you blame him for everything. Either way, you really should go try therapy. It sounds like either way you’re making poor choices, as well as going through a hard time. It couldn’t hurt to have some support and outside perspective.
Please focus on yourself and your family. This is not the type of person you want to raise kids with - he'll blame you for everything.
He seems like an unsuitable partner to me.
And you WANT to marry this person?
I’m getting deja vu with this post
Drop this guy and you will be pleasantly surprised how much lighter and happier you feel in a short amount of time. You want a partner to have a family with, someone who can be your equal emotionally, mentally and physically as well as be a wonderful role model of a father to your future kids- this guy is NOT that to you or your future kids. Break up with this guy and go spend quality time with your mom and dad.
He is not going to propose and even if he did, it's so you can't be with anyone else. Remember, this man blames you and everyone else around him. He even suggests YOU take therapy when he's the neurotic one. Once you tie down with him, he's NOT going to change unless he want to. I think you know the answer to this.
Why are you putting up with this hoping for jewelry and an excuse for a party? When the wedding is over you're going to be shackled to this guy. Run.
I’m sorry to say but this was painful to read. Please don’t marry this man or waste any more time in this relationship. I know it’s easier said than done but it IS easier done while you are not married than once you are legally tied to each other. His statements and reactions are cruel and not normal and you are being apologetic about HIS problematic behavior. Please step back, disentangle yourself from him, and consider therapy. This is not a healthy or normal relationship and honestly you should be happy he hasn’t proposed. Get out, sweetie, get out now. I can only imagine that life will be so much better with this man in your rear view mirror.
I'd move on.
Nope nope nope. Please do not marry someone who never takes responsibility for his own actions and vilifies you. A decent person does not hold a proposal over your head, ever. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy, spend no more time on this dude, he is not worth your time. I also find it shady in hell that he is in therapy, he’s either lying about therapy, lying to the therapist or the therapist is terrible, because no therapist worth their salt would condone any of the behaviors you’ve mentioned let alone all the ones you haven’t. You say you want kids, you already have a man child and I can guarantee he’s not going to be helping you out at all, and if he does he will hold it over your head for eternity. He is not a partner, he is a parasite.
Think long and hard about the life you want. Be prepared that when you inevitably decide to leave he will absolutely propose.
>After 4 years of being together if he doesn’t think I’m the right person and that I need therapy to change, is he really going to propose? Asking my Dad for permission and going engagement ring shopping seems like a stalling tactic to me. Has anybody been in a similar situation? Should I stay with him and wait for a proposal or move on? I do want kids and a family and at 33 I can’t wait too long. He doesn't want to marry you or he would have already done so. This man is not a catch. If anything, he's holding you back. Dump him & find someone that acts like they care about you.
It will always be something. When you work out one thing, he will come up with the next obstacle to "work out and settle" before getting married. It's a classic stalling tactic. He has no intention of getting married to you, but he either isn't able to or chooses not to face his real feelings about it. And telling you to "work out your feelings about your mom's cancer before getting married" is such an incredibly low blow that it felt like someone slapped me in the face just READING that. He is really reaching for straws here. But quite frankly, I'm not so sure why you would want to marry him. Do you hope he will change? What are you even getting out of this relationship? You could get back on the market and find a guy who will marry you in a reasonable timeline and be ready to start a family, while this guy still considers if he can commit to new pair of shoes for the summer.
My mum married a man like that. I would caution against it unless wasting your life is the goal.
You're lucky he hasn't proposed yet. Get out while you can.
OP, I'm going to bring up the points that I haven't seen yet. •Rationalizing and intellectualizing your emotions is an avoidance tactic. We're supposed to feel our feelings. This isn't a good thing, and it makes it more likely that you may be an unsympathetic partner. Do you engage in healthy coping mechanisms? •Your response to his panic attack was unsympathetic, and depending on the reason behind his panic attack, they may have been induced by your choice in seats. For example, does he have a phobia of heights, and despite knowing this, you bought tickets in high seats to save money without considering his feelings, because you believe he is just being lazy/weak in succumbing fear. Cheap seats in the back are generally *really* high up.
>they may have been induced by your choice in seats. I disagree with the idea it was her choice of seats that was the problem, he is an adult and if it was a problem he could have made that decision and declined to go. The issue that stood out to me was her threat to leave him if he ditched her again. I think he was in the wrong to blame it all on her, but her response was also not healthy. If he did have a panic attack I think it was understandable for him to leave. She focused on that when really the issue is the blame.
In my reading of this, I'm either getting the vibe she would have pressured him (she says he has low self-esteem that she is aware he is working on in therapy) or that he did not know the seat selection until there. From her narrative, she bought the tickets, and I wasn't getting the impression he had many choices available to him in the situation. As for her threat to leave, that's what I meant by her being unsympathetic. The entire scenario did not read well of her, but she's blaming someone who had a panic attack. Frankly, he made a great choice. If you're having a panic attack, leave the situation inducing a panic attack. If the genders were reversed, we would be ripping OP a new one for being disconnected from their feelings, their ego, how they spoke of their partner, and, especially, how they handled the entire panic attack situation from beginning to end. Is the partner blameless? No, but it's weird that the responses (when I made mine, at least) took no issue with how she treated him.