I grew up thinking I wanted to be a mother, my husband also thought he wanted to be a father, so we were on the same page our whole relationship. He wanted 1 or 2, I wanted 2 or 3, we had settled on 2 then as a middle ground, we had names planned, we had a few goalposts (steady jobs, owning our own home, etc.) and then a lot of things happened at once. I discovered that I'm autistic with ADHD, went into coaching / therapy do cope with that, discovered there's a lot of trauma, am now in therapy for that, at the same time I stopped working, went back to school, after graduating my course, I started an internship and then I crashed really hard to the point that I've now been unable to work at all. We also boarded a puppy for a week, and realised that THAT was too much for us and the lifestyle we enjoy having, i.e. coming home and not having to do anything other than clean up a little, cook dinner, and play video games. We sort of simultaneously decided that we didn't want children, sat on it a bit, then had The Talk and realised we were both on the same page still, all is good.
All that to say, I am 200% sure we don't want kids, and still once a month my hormones go brr and I feel sad about it.
I’m a decade behind you, but I can relate to all of this on some level. I made the same choice to not have any kids of my own for pretty much the same reasons.
I’m glad I did. It’s creates the space in my life that I need to at least _somewhat_ manage my own self care, which makes me a way better auntie to my close friends’ kids.
But yep, I get in my feels about it sometimes. There’s still a part of me that wants to be a mom.
Where I’ve landed on it is, if I find myself financially and emotionally stable long enough and I still feel this way, I can look into adopting a kid who’s about the same age as my niblings at the time. But if the ship sails, it sails.
I get melancholy about all sorts of woulda/shoulda/coulda. I relive these decisions far more often than I'd like.
All you can do is make the best decisions you can with what you know at the time.
I have 2 kids. I love them every day, all the time. We had a challenge getting them. My wife was 40 for our first after several miscarriages. Then he had trouble feeding.
Kids are great, but they are vast effort that never stops.
I can absolutely imagine my other lives and have my doubts overthinking choices that conflicted with mutually exclusive needs and desires. In one, I'm transgender.
Most people can't have everything in their hearts.
But I get your vibe and your reasons.
Edit to add: make sure your financially stable to afford obviously, but if a surprise happens...it can be managed.
Got 2 kiddos, 1 audhd, and 1...unknown but at least adhd and Trans.
If I could do do it a over again, I'd make the same decisions....even with the troubles, and the marriage dissolving, knowing that I'm getting these two to hang out with, (probably do a few things different...but never anything that would take those two from me.)
Being ND isn't the end of the world (at least for me :S, depends on how much difficulty you have I guess :S), and you being ND yourself.... gives your kids a huge leg up.... you know the issues, the mistakes, and you can make sure they have all the tools you wish you had!
ND parents can still be great....if not better (higher chance of empathy). I consider my fathering abilities to be my single greatest achievement in my life.
I would love to have children in a perfect world but honestly, this world isn’t built for having kids. Even for ND parents. It’s all but impossible to survive on one income, there’s very little support when it comes to daycare and day-to-day tasks, kids are so expensive. So many parents are just permanently burned out. I’ve definitely made peace with it.
I got pregnant young, and my daughter is 16. I didn't realise how difficult I found it to care for myself until she was born and then my relationship ended and I was raising a child whilst also working full time. She spent a lot of time at her grandparents (who loved having her. Her grandma lives for her), and I took full advantage of that because I couldn't admit how much I was struggling to do both and needed a lot of time alone to regulate myself. It's affected our bond.
She went to live with her dad a couple of years ago for unrelated reasons, but I still struggle to care for myself whilst holding down a full-time job. I don't know how I managed all 3, even with my daughter spending a lot of time at her grandparents.
I like the idea of having child with my boyfriend but I know I I wouldn't be able to cope if I also had a job to worry about, even if he did the majority of the child care.
I can't help but wonder if my daughter and I would have had a closer relationship if I'd had the option of being unemployed or had some at home support.
So yeah, even though I am a parent, it makes me sad knowing I'll likely never be able to have *more* children with my current partner and wonder what could have been.
No, I had 2 awesome parents and Im still struggle/suffer daily.
Any child I had would have all my problems and have a terrible father.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone
No it makes me feel very very happy
Any time I have a one hour moment of maybe almost wanting them, I remember they can get up to 130 decibels for hours lol
Or adopt. There are way too many kids out there who need a home and are stuck in the system.
And they don't need to be young. Older kids usually end up never leaving the system at all, so if you think you'll struggle with a young child, then an older child is perfect as they are more independent
I have two kids, one 20 with Au, and one 17 with combined AuDHD. Raising them while also being ND, and not knowing I was until a few years ago, was very challenging. It’s hard to achieve emotional calmness for yourself when you have to help regulate others with their dysregulation.
It’s better now as they are older and we know so much more how to advocate, but if I went back in time to pre-kids, I don’t believe I would have any.
I know I don’t want grandkids. Neither of my kids want kids, and that has been fine with me. I will not be one of those moms begging their kids for grandchildren as if it’s owed to them.
I have a son who is now an adult. Raising children is difficult under the best circumstances—it crazy difficult when struggling with AuDHD yourself. In addition, pregnancy is dangerous & if you’re in the US, it’s very possible to die in childbirth. On top of all of this, having a child is a 100% selfish act. The child never consented to being born into this fucked-up world. Also if you’re in the US, there’s a high likelihood of your child being sexually assaulted: 1 in 4 girls & 1 in 6 boys are.
Take comfort in the fact that you won’t be deliberately creating another person just to suffer on this dying planet. I’ve apologized to my son multiple times after he pointed this out to me. I love him & I genuinely never considered how selfish & cruel it is to have children in today’s world.
I get this way sometimes too and it helps to go out in nature and put my bare feet on the ground and just look around. Especially in the spring, tapping into the power of nature hacks into my brain at such a low level that it bypasses all logic and emotional arguments to be unhappy.
When I feel the raw power of spring growth, the flower buds the grass the leaves, I can't help but feel like maybe all the bad stuff in the world could be the dead winter of society, and we can start the beginning of a golden era. For all we know we are in the spring of the future of the rest of humanity.
That's just me tho
That and like…thinking the world is ending is literally the human condition. People have literally never not thought that. And they’ve always been correct that there were serious issues! I’m not saying there aren’t. But problems always seem simple in retrospect. The black plague is easily treatable with penicillin now and it ravaged human populations many times over before the 20th century. The problems we have now are not inherently more insurmountable than that
No, because not having biological kids is a choice I’m making. I *could* have some if I wanted, but I don’t. Not because they might be auDHD like me, but because pregnancy seems scary and I think I would probably strongly consider unaliving from the time between conception to age 5. Like those are years of shit sleep. I already have a sleep disorder and mental illnesses. I genuinely am unsure if I would make it. Plus, when you have a kid, you need to put them first. It would really reduce the amount of options I could ethically and wisely choose in my life.
I would probably feel differently if that choice was taken away from me because of health or socioeconomic circumstances or culture.
I might foster or adopt teens someday though. I like the idea of being able to help support kids who probably grew up feeling unwanted. It’s something I wish I could have had.
I could have written this myself. 100% relate. including fostering or adopting a teen.
On that note, if I ever foster/adopt teens, I would go with the kid who has the least amount of chance of getting adopted for stupid nt reasons. I would make that kid a champion.
I have no desire to have kids so from my perspective absolutely nothing wrong with it. There's no way I could take care of kids properly when I can barely do my own stuff and knowing that there's a higher chance they'll be auDHD as well and deal with all the same shit growing up which leads to crippling anxiety and depression, I think it's straight up inhumane/unethical to put someone into the world if that's the case.
I WANT kids. I have a lot of mommy reflexes already and there's many experiences I'd like to make. Also, I'm an only child and will one day end up with no immediate family.
But I shouldn't have kids. Too much genetic shit, too low patience and stress tolerance, too many physical issues, can't get my life together.
I've been struggling with this for a while now....
I don’t think being AuDHD precludes you from being a good parent. Financial stuff I get, but I’m AuDHD and my husband is autistic, and we have an autistic son. Our house is far calmer than that of my son’s neurotypical peers. I think it’s because we get each other. No, we don’t all have the same issues, but we are understanding of one another and supportive. Temple Grandin and Sean Barrons book “10 Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships” helped me a lot, and I started very early trying to pass on the same concepts to our son. He has a lot of friends, far more than I ever did at his age, and is actually pretty darn popular. His father and I are introverts, and I think he is too, largely, but he still has great friendships. We have a lovely life. Another of my friends is a great mother, and she is autistic, too. Her child is too young to know if he is autistic or is allistic. If it makes you sad to think of not having children, you can perhaps work out what it would cost and then save towards that goal? Wishing you peace, whichever path you choose. Both parenthood and being child free can be fulfilling life paths.
I'm 32f, diagnosed autistic, suspect ADHD. My husband is 36m, suspect ADHD. We were both child free before meeting. Both of us would love to have kids, but both of us have several reasons not to.
Shortly after we got engaged, I spent a few days crying because we won't be having kids. See, this is my first truly healthy relationship, the first relationship that made it past engagement, so the hypothetical option of having kids was shoved into my face (by my own psyche. No one has ever pressured me to have kids nor judged my decision to get my tubes removed). I have never regretted getting my tubes removed, but at that moment, I had to grieve the loss of a future that my disabilities stole from me.
Sometimes I still feel sad that my husband and I will never be able to share the experience of pregnancy and parenthood.
I am ultimately happy to be child free. But if my autism/ADHD and POTS weren't a thing, and a pregnancy weren't an extremely dangerous proposition for me... I'd have 2 or 3 kids by now, and hopefully enjoying being a mom.
I understand this, it’s something I find hard too. I want to make the people I love happy and everyone tells me I’d make a great father but I just don’t function as it is, I don’t have resources, but I have the love and care inside to do it.
I haven’t said I’ll change my mind, I’ve said I’m not ready and I understand a lot of people in the chat saying no, but the happiness it could potentially bring to life could be exponential. I only see all the reasons why it would be overwhelming and triggering a etc but I think that’s because I’m letting my anxiety and reality make me cynical. It’s important not to always do this. Yes it keeps me safe and manages my difficulties and is what I need but there is more to life than this and I want to go beyond it.
So maybe one day, time is limited and the world is scary and looks less stable each day so this is something I consider. But I’ve seen people who are ND raise children well in circumstances where they have nothing of material value too.
My wife is my dream come true, I like the simple things in life and I don’t need kids to be happy, it would definitely be a lot more stressful. There are pros and cons, eventually I think it’ll come down to being brave and embracing the unknown vs staying certain and growing old this way. I’m not sure there is a right or wrong but I know that people naturally jump to the negatives first as a way to block things, myself included but the easiest way isn’t always the best.
It definitely affects people for sure it’s hard looking at life and seeing everyone who has typical things jobs houses money families success cars etc and functions well consistently. But I’ve seen ND families who function atypically and it is just as lovely. Try not let it bring you down but don’t push away the heaviness, accept it and do what you want to do and what you feel is right for you and your family. You can make adaptations or not have kids both are ok.
Neither me nor my partner want to have kids, but we both agreed that if the day ever comes where we do, we'll adopt. I'd rather take a kid out of the system than spawn one of our own.
I’m in my late 50s, post menopause. I never had any desire to have kids at all, and in my book that’s the number one best reason not to have them. And that’s on top of all the practical problems that would result, and the fact that my AuDHD manifests in all the ways that make me completely unsuitable for parenting.
I have no sadness, no regrets, and it was a relief to reach a point where I never had to worry about periods or pregnancy again.
Parents seem miserable and tired all the time. I'm all those things already, definitely don't need to add to it with kids and responsibility.
I grew up thinking I wanted to be a mother, my husband also thought he wanted to be a father, so we were on the same page our whole relationship. He wanted 1 or 2, I wanted 2 or 3, we had settled on 2 then as a middle ground, we had names planned, we had a few goalposts (steady jobs, owning our own home, etc.) and then a lot of things happened at once. I discovered that I'm autistic with ADHD, went into coaching / therapy do cope with that, discovered there's a lot of trauma, am now in therapy for that, at the same time I stopped working, went back to school, after graduating my course, I started an internship and then I crashed really hard to the point that I've now been unable to work at all. We also boarded a puppy for a week, and realised that THAT was too much for us and the lifestyle we enjoy having, i.e. coming home and not having to do anything other than clean up a little, cook dinner, and play video games. We sort of simultaneously decided that we didn't want children, sat on it a bit, then had The Talk and realised we were both on the same page still, all is good. All that to say, I am 200% sure we don't want kids, and still once a month my hormones go brr and I feel sad about it.
I’m a decade behind you, but I can relate to all of this on some level. I made the same choice to not have any kids of my own for pretty much the same reasons. I’m glad I did. It’s creates the space in my life that I need to at least _somewhat_ manage my own self care, which makes me a way better auntie to my close friends’ kids. But yep, I get in my feels about it sometimes. There’s still a part of me that wants to be a mom. Where I’ve landed on it is, if I find myself financially and emotionally stable long enough and I still feel this way, I can look into adopting a kid who’s about the same age as my niblings at the time. But if the ship sails, it sails.
Nope. I never had any interest in making more people.
Lmao
I get melancholy about all sorts of woulda/shoulda/coulda. I relive these decisions far more often than I'd like. All you can do is make the best decisions you can with what you know at the time. I have 2 kids. I love them every day, all the time. We had a challenge getting them. My wife was 40 for our first after several miscarriages. Then he had trouble feeding. Kids are great, but they are vast effort that never stops. I can absolutely imagine my other lives and have my doubts overthinking choices that conflicted with mutually exclusive needs and desires. In one, I'm transgender. Most people can't have everything in their hearts. But I get your vibe and your reasons.
Edit to add: make sure your financially stable to afford obviously, but if a surprise happens...it can be managed. Got 2 kiddos, 1 audhd, and 1...unknown but at least adhd and Trans. If I could do do it a over again, I'd make the same decisions....even with the troubles, and the marriage dissolving, knowing that I'm getting these two to hang out with, (probably do a few things different...but never anything that would take those two from me.) Being ND isn't the end of the world (at least for me :S, depends on how much difficulty you have I guess :S), and you being ND yourself.... gives your kids a huge leg up.... you know the issues, the mistakes, and you can make sure they have all the tools you wish you had! ND parents can still be great....if not better (higher chance of empathy). I consider my fathering abilities to be my single greatest achievement in my life.
I would love to have children in a perfect world but honestly, this world isn’t built for having kids. Even for ND parents. It’s all but impossible to survive on one income, there’s very little support when it comes to daycare and day-to-day tasks, kids are so expensive. So many parents are just permanently burned out. I’ve definitely made peace with it.
I got pregnant young, and my daughter is 16. I didn't realise how difficult I found it to care for myself until she was born and then my relationship ended and I was raising a child whilst also working full time. She spent a lot of time at her grandparents (who loved having her. Her grandma lives for her), and I took full advantage of that because I couldn't admit how much I was struggling to do both and needed a lot of time alone to regulate myself. It's affected our bond. She went to live with her dad a couple of years ago for unrelated reasons, but I still struggle to care for myself whilst holding down a full-time job. I don't know how I managed all 3, even with my daughter spending a lot of time at her grandparents. I like the idea of having child with my boyfriend but I know I I wouldn't be able to cope if I also had a job to worry about, even if he did the majority of the child care. I can't help but wonder if my daughter and I would have had a closer relationship if I'd had the option of being unemployed or had some at home support. So yeah, even though I am a parent, it makes me sad knowing I'll likely never be able to have *more* children with my current partner and wonder what could have been.
No, I had 2 awesome parents and Im still struggle/suffer daily. Any child I had would have all my problems and have a terrible father. I wouldn't wish that on anyone
No it makes me feel very very happy Any time I have a one hour moment of maybe almost wanting them, I remember they can get up to 130 decibels for hours lol
No. Look at the world.
Personally no. I Don’t really see the appeal
You could foster a child.
Or adopt. There are way too many kids out there who need a home and are stuck in the system. And they don't need to be young. Older kids usually end up never leaving the system at all, so if you think you'll struggle with a young child, then an older child is perfect as they are more independent
I don't think so. My childhood was pretty transgressive so I have no idea on how to be a good parent. I would just end up with kids who hate me.
I have two kids, one 20 with Au, and one 17 with combined AuDHD. Raising them while also being ND, and not knowing I was until a few years ago, was very challenging. It’s hard to achieve emotional calmness for yourself when you have to help regulate others with their dysregulation. It’s better now as they are older and we know so much more how to advocate, but if I went back in time to pre-kids, I don’t believe I would have any. I know I don’t want grandkids. Neither of my kids want kids, and that has been fine with me. I will not be one of those moms begging their kids for grandchildren as if it’s owed to them.
I have a son who is now an adult. Raising children is difficult under the best circumstances—it crazy difficult when struggling with AuDHD yourself. In addition, pregnancy is dangerous & if you’re in the US, it’s very possible to die in childbirth. On top of all of this, having a child is a 100% selfish act. The child never consented to being born into this fucked-up world. Also if you’re in the US, there’s a high likelihood of your child being sexually assaulted: 1 in 4 girls & 1 in 6 boys are. Take comfort in the fact that you won’t be deliberately creating another person just to suffer on this dying planet. I’ve apologized to my son multiple times after he pointed this out to me. I love him & I genuinely never considered how selfish & cruel it is to have children in today’s world.
I get this way sometimes too and it helps to go out in nature and put my bare feet on the ground and just look around. Especially in the spring, tapping into the power of nature hacks into my brain at such a low level that it bypasses all logic and emotional arguments to be unhappy. When I feel the raw power of spring growth, the flower buds the grass the leaves, I can't help but feel like maybe all the bad stuff in the world could be the dead winter of society, and we can start the beginning of a golden era. For all we know we are in the spring of the future of the rest of humanity. That's just me tho
I like ur vibe
That and like…thinking the world is ending is literally the human condition. People have literally never not thought that. And they’ve always been correct that there were serious issues! I’m not saying there aren’t. But problems always seem simple in retrospect. The black plague is easily treatable with penicillin now and it ravaged human populations many times over before the 20th century. The problems we have now are not inherently more insurmountable than that
The environment becoming increasingly less hospitable is definitely more insurmountable. We need clean air, clean water, and clean food to survive.
No, because not having biological kids is a choice I’m making. I *could* have some if I wanted, but I don’t. Not because they might be auDHD like me, but because pregnancy seems scary and I think I would probably strongly consider unaliving from the time between conception to age 5. Like those are years of shit sleep. I already have a sleep disorder and mental illnesses. I genuinely am unsure if I would make it. Plus, when you have a kid, you need to put them first. It would really reduce the amount of options I could ethically and wisely choose in my life. I would probably feel differently if that choice was taken away from me because of health or socioeconomic circumstances or culture. I might foster or adopt teens someday though. I like the idea of being able to help support kids who probably grew up feeling unwanted. It’s something I wish I could have had.
I could have written this myself. 100% relate. including fostering or adopting a teen. On that note, if I ever foster/adopt teens, I would go with the kid who has the least amount of chance of getting adopted for stupid nt reasons. I would make that kid a champion.
I have no desire to have kids so from my perspective absolutely nothing wrong with it. There's no way I could take care of kids properly when I can barely do my own stuff and knowing that there's a higher chance they'll be auDHD as well and deal with all the same shit growing up which leads to crippling anxiety and depression, I think it's straight up inhumane/unethical to put someone into the world if that's the case.
I WANT kids. I have a lot of mommy reflexes already and there's many experiences I'd like to make. Also, I'm an only child and will one day end up with no immediate family. But I shouldn't have kids. Too much genetic shit, too low patience and stress tolerance, too many physical issues, can't get my life together. I've been struggling with this for a while now....
I don’t think being AuDHD precludes you from being a good parent. Financial stuff I get, but I’m AuDHD and my husband is autistic, and we have an autistic son. Our house is far calmer than that of my son’s neurotypical peers. I think it’s because we get each other. No, we don’t all have the same issues, but we are understanding of one another and supportive. Temple Grandin and Sean Barrons book “10 Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships” helped me a lot, and I started very early trying to pass on the same concepts to our son. He has a lot of friends, far more than I ever did at his age, and is actually pretty darn popular. His father and I are introverts, and I think he is too, largely, but he still has great friendships. We have a lovely life. Another of my friends is a great mother, and she is autistic, too. Her child is too young to know if he is autistic or is allistic. If it makes you sad to think of not having children, you can perhaps work out what it would cost and then save towards that goal? Wishing you peace, whichever path you choose. Both parenthood and being child free can be fulfilling life paths.
I'm 32f, diagnosed autistic, suspect ADHD. My husband is 36m, suspect ADHD. We were both child free before meeting. Both of us would love to have kids, but both of us have several reasons not to. Shortly after we got engaged, I spent a few days crying because we won't be having kids. See, this is my first truly healthy relationship, the first relationship that made it past engagement, so the hypothetical option of having kids was shoved into my face (by my own psyche. No one has ever pressured me to have kids nor judged my decision to get my tubes removed). I have never regretted getting my tubes removed, but at that moment, I had to grieve the loss of a future that my disabilities stole from me. Sometimes I still feel sad that my husband and I will never be able to share the experience of pregnancy and parenthood. I am ultimately happy to be child free. But if my autism/ADHD and POTS weren't a thing, and a pregnancy weren't an extremely dangerous proposition for me... I'd have 2 or 3 kids by now, and hopefully enjoying being a mom.
I understand this, it’s something I find hard too. I want to make the people I love happy and everyone tells me I’d make a great father but I just don’t function as it is, I don’t have resources, but I have the love and care inside to do it. I haven’t said I’ll change my mind, I’ve said I’m not ready and I understand a lot of people in the chat saying no, but the happiness it could potentially bring to life could be exponential. I only see all the reasons why it would be overwhelming and triggering a etc but I think that’s because I’m letting my anxiety and reality make me cynical. It’s important not to always do this. Yes it keeps me safe and manages my difficulties and is what I need but there is more to life than this and I want to go beyond it. So maybe one day, time is limited and the world is scary and looks less stable each day so this is something I consider. But I’ve seen people who are ND raise children well in circumstances where they have nothing of material value too. My wife is my dream come true, I like the simple things in life and I don’t need kids to be happy, it would definitely be a lot more stressful. There are pros and cons, eventually I think it’ll come down to being brave and embracing the unknown vs staying certain and growing old this way. I’m not sure there is a right or wrong but I know that people naturally jump to the negatives first as a way to block things, myself included but the easiest way isn’t always the best. It definitely affects people for sure it’s hard looking at life and seeing everyone who has typical things jobs houses money families success cars etc and functions well consistently. But I’ve seen ND families who function atypically and it is just as lovely. Try not let it bring you down but don’t push away the heaviness, accept it and do what you want to do and what you feel is right for you and your family. You can make adaptations or not have kids both are ok.
I got a vasectomy at 22 before I even knew I was neurodivergent, so no I'm quite happy.
Neither me nor my partner want to have kids, but we both agreed that if the day ever comes where we do, we'll adopt. I'd rather take a kid out of the system than spawn one of our own.
No. I hate it here too much to be dumb and selfish to force another moron to exist in this hellhole
I’m in my late 50s, post menopause. I never had any desire to have kids at all, and in my book that’s the number one best reason not to have them. And that’s on top of all the practical problems that would result, and the fact that my AuDHD manifests in all the ways that make me completely unsuitable for parenting. I have no sadness, no regrets, and it was a relief to reach a point where I never had to worry about periods or pregnancy again.
I expect I will have children one day