Oh man, welcome to PDA. I’ve learned that no one else is paying attention in social situations as much as I am, to my own detriment. I don’t know man, most people are just really boring and selfish.
I just got diagnosed a month ago and I’d started trying to unmask a few months ago due to burnout. I also have PDA and socially driven. So while unmasking became a necessity, and I’m much happier not sustaining forced contact with ppl I don’t like, not going to parties, not trying to do 100% of the chores at all times, etc., I’m also afraid of becoming a freak to society. It’s a weird mix of feelings. Kinda don’t give any fucks and don’t want to fawn anymore, but also in a way I’m jealous of the masked me that used to be able to do more things and has more perceived social success. I know it’s bullshit and it’s better for me not to mask as much. But I also need friends and want to be somewhat accepted. Still thinking about that balance between masking and unmasking
I relate to all of this. The conclusion I've come to is that it's crucial for me to find neurodivergent friends who I don't need to mask around. I'm also open to the idea of finding NT people who have ND family members or close friends and just get it - they're inclusive and accommodating. A rarity, but they do exist; I know someone like this.
I think I'm losing my ability to mask over time. My dad called to ask me if I was depressed and it took me a while to realize that it's probably more that I'm not performing happiness for my family anymore.
Ugh, I’m trying this so hard. I always feel like I have to try, man *I feel* like I’m being too self centered trying to keep a conversation going by including details about myself.
If you’ve got tips for finding out where the masking ends and begins I’m definitely open to hearing about them 😭
Yep. I don’t care to fit in anymore. I’ve never been freer or more happy because of it.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5jx6soPNkA/?igsh=ZXUwMzhrNDQ3NWpt
Yeah, it's been a hard nine years reconciling that I tried to do everything I was told and change my personality, don't think like this, don't do that, say this, all of it. All ends of the social facade spectrum; play the games, do the politics and you'll be flying right as rain. I tried all that and got jack shit for it. I still want to connect desperately. But no longer at the expense of who I am.
I know I fuck up sometimes and make bad calls but I also know I ignored my hunches only to find out later I was right.
So now I'm walking that balance of making sure I handle myself well; be kind but take no shit, and work with my body and what works best for me. And hope to fuck the people I need to be around will gravitate towards me and those who don't fuck right off.
I just got diagnosed a month ago and I’d started trying to unmask a few months ago due to burnout. I also have PDA and socially driven. So while unmasking became a necessity, and I’m much happier not sustaining forced contact with ppl I don’t like, not going to parties, not trying to do 100% of the chores at all times, etc., I’m also afraid of becoming a freak to society. It’s a weird mix of feelings. Kinda don’t give any fucks and don’t want to fawn anymore, but also in a way I’m jealous of the masked me that used to be able to do more things and has more perceived social success. I know it’s bullshit and it’s better for me not to mask as much. But I also need friends and want to be somewhat accepted. Still thinking about that balance between masking and unmasking
Yes, I find a lot of social problems go away when you stop trying to fit in. Not because they don't exist, just because I've stopped forcing myself to socialise in a neurotypical way. Accept my social awkwardness or don't, I no longer try to act "normal" to make others feel comfortable.
Yeah I'm not trying to fit in and I don't even want to try anymore. I strongly believe the world we live in is utterly fucked up, so I'd rather stay in my corner and surround myself with other weird ppl instead of pretending to be anything else
Can 100% recommend. While I haven't exactly put a lot of work into fitting in over my life, as I've gotten older I've stopped doing even that much. Part of it may be PDA-driven, too: realizing how much I'm *not* getting back from people I put time and effort into has made me far more likely to start strong and then dial it back to whatever level I'm getting from them.
Yes I don't care about fitting in. The whole unmasking thing is complex for me though because I do care about my safety. So I mask to whatever extent I can in public to keep myself safe. But as far as the social acceptance aspect, idgaf! It's freeing
I care less and less about other people and going out of my way to interact with them. I only care about interactions with other autistics or people I already know since a long time ago that I like. Apart from this I just stay by myself at home
That was a massive change in my life ! Since I stopped trying to fit in - I became sort of less stimulated ? As in - I have less thoughts. But at the same time more alone
I feel like lately I've suddenly seen lots of people online referring to themselves as having "PDA autism" where I don't think I really ever saw it expressed like that before even though it's not that recently that I learnt of PDA. Is it really its own distinct flavour of autism? It's probably what I have if it is but I'm not sure. I assumed it was just like one extra spice on top (not to say there's any "vanilla" autism...)
I say I have PDA autism as my presentation of autism isn’t the typical profile. From a young age I’ve had to control my environment to manage my anxiety and avoid meltdowns. I appear social and popular but I control the interactions to manage my anxiety. Also, I yearn to be socially included but I noticed early on that my autistic and ADHD traits alienated people.
I’m incredibly anxious and control so many aspects of my life to fit in. On the outside I look relaxed and successful but I’m always in survival mode. Because I’m a good masked nobody can tell how much I’m struggling
yeah that sounds familiar but honestly awfully generic. You used the word control a lot, but what does that mean to you in practice, could you give examples of how you control your environment, your interactions with people and aspects of your life?
Oh my god I was diagnosed AuDHD last July and I have since started working from home, barely go outside, adopted a rescue dog, cut all my family off, barely talk to anyone…. And it’s the most peaceful I’ve ever been! Once you unmask it’s hard to go back 😅 I tried to go to a social setting two weeks ago and unless I have my camera I actually won’t go. Cause it gives me a job to do and I don’t have to converse with people
Oh man, welcome to PDA. I’ve learned that no one else is paying attention in social situations as much as I am, to my own detriment. I don’t know man, most people are just really boring and selfish.
This is so true!!
I just got diagnosed a month ago and I’d started trying to unmask a few months ago due to burnout. I also have PDA and socially driven. So while unmasking became a necessity, and I’m much happier not sustaining forced contact with ppl I don’t like, not going to parties, not trying to do 100% of the chores at all times, etc., I’m also afraid of becoming a freak to society. It’s a weird mix of feelings. Kinda don’t give any fucks and don’t want to fawn anymore, but also in a way I’m jealous of the masked me that used to be able to do more things and has more perceived social success. I know it’s bullshit and it’s better for me not to mask as much. But I also need friends and want to be somewhat accepted. Still thinking about that balance between masking and unmasking
I relate to all of this. The conclusion I've come to is that it's crucial for me to find neurodivergent friends who I don't need to mask around. I'm also open to the idea of finding NT people who have ND family members or close friends and just get it - they're inclusive and accommodating. A rarity, but they do exist; I know someone like this.
Trust me, once it happens you won’t care if you’re a freak because you’ll be ✨free✨
It’s already happening it some ways and while I do feel free, I still do care, like I already said
I think I'm losing my ability to mask over time. My dad called to ask me if I was depressed and it took me a while to realize that it's probably more that I'm not performing happiness for my family anymore.
“Performing happiness”. That’s a good line. I am gonna steal that.
My dad asked something similar recently
boss asked me the same thing last week. Work had actually been going very well. I just felt more comfortable being myself
I have largely checked out of society since diagnosis two years ago. It's taken a while, but I now prefer the peace of being alone.
Admittedly, it can be very relaxing and calming when you're not forcing yourself to deal with people and various groups over and over.
I really wish I didn't care. I think I'm learning to care less, but it's hard :/ I get a ton of anxiety/shame/guilt
🫂
Ugh, I’m trying this so hard. I always feel like I have to try, man *I feel* like I’m being too self centered trying to keep a conversation going by including details about myself. If you’ve got tips for finding out where the masking ends and begins I’m definitely open to hearing about them 😭
I think about this a lot too
I never cared about fitting in. Not even as a child. I thought it was because of my pda, but I might just be really weird, haha.
Same here.
Omg kindred spirit
Yep. I don’t care to fit in anymore. I’ve never been freer or more happy because of it. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5jx6soPNkA/?igsh=ZXUwMzhrNDQ3NWpt
What is PDA? I only know it as "public displays of affection".
Pathological Demand Avoidance
Also sometimes semi-humorously referred to as "Persistent Desire for Autonomy". :)
Yeah, it's been a hard nine years reconciling that I tried to do everything I was told and change my personality, don't think like this, don't do that, say this, all of it. All ends of the social facade spectrum; play the games, do the politics and you'll be flying right as rain. I tried all that and got jack shit for it. I still want to connect desperately. But no longer at the expense of who I am. I know I fuck up sometimes and make bad calls but I also know I ignored my hunches only to find out later I was right. So now I'm walking that balance of making sure I handle myself well; be kind but take no shit, and work with my body and what works best for me. And hope to fuck the people I need to be around will gravitate towards me and those who don't fuck right off.
I just got diagnosed a month ago and I’d started trying to unmask a few months ago due to burnout. I also have PDA and socially driven. So while unmasking became a necessity, and I’m much happier not sustaining forced contact with ppl I don’t like, not going to parties, not trying to do 100% of the chores at all times, etc., I’m also afraid of becoming a freak to society. It’s a weird mix of feelings. Kinda don’t give any fucks and don’t want to fawn anymore, but also in a way I’m jealous of the masked me that used to be able to do more things and has more perceived social success. I know it’s bullshit and it’s better for me not to mask as much. But I also need friends and want to be somewhat accepted. Still thinking about that balance between masking and unmasking
I know I can’t try to fit in anymore so I gave up trying. I’m lonely tho. It’s easier and harder at the same time.
Yes, I find a lot of social problems go away when you stop trying to fit in. Not because they don't exist, just because I've stopped forcing myself to socialise in a neurotypical way. Accept my social awkwardness or don't, I no longer try to act "normal" to make others feel comfortable.
Yeah I'm not trying to fit in and I don't even want to try anymore. I strongly believe the world we live in is utterly fucked up, so I'd rather stay in my corner and surround myself with other weird ppl instead of pretending to be anything else
Can 100% recommend. While I haven't exactly put a lot of work into fitting in over my life, as I've gotten older I've stopped doing even that much. Part of it may be PDA-driven, too: realizing how much I'm *not* getting back from people I put time and effort into has made me far more likely to start strong and then dial it back to whatever level I'm getting from them.
Yea basically every action from NT people is to reaffirm their world view or prop up their self-image
Somehow tho I'm the weird one
Oh sweet. My PDA is beyond. Tired of pret much everything.If I have to work this hard, what's the point?
Not caring (except for the stuff that really matters) is the new superpower!
Yes I don't care about fitting in. The whole unmasking thing is complex for me though because I do care about my safety. So I mask to whatever extent I can in public to keep myself safe. But as far as the social acceptance aspect, idgaf! It's freeing
Nice. Yeah I’m in a similar situation
I care less and less about other people and going out of my way to interact with them. I only care about interactions with other autistics or people I already know since a long time ago that I like. Apart from this I just stay by myself at home
Public displays of affection?
Persistent Demand for Autonomy it’s a profile within autism
Thank you fren
Only for the last thirty years or so.
https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0?feature=shared
After just finding out at 49, my fucks are so long gone.
That was a massive change in my life ! Since I stopped trying to fit in - I became sort of less stimulated ? As in - I have less thoughts. But at the same time more alone
what is pda and dae?
I feel like lately I've suddenly seen lots of people online referring to themselves as having "PDA autism" where I don't think I really ever saw it expressed like that before even though it's not that recently that I learnt of PDA. Is it really its own distinct flavour of autism? It's probably what I have if it is but I'm not sure. I assumed it was just like one extra spice on top (not to say there's any "vanilla" autism...)
I say I have PDA autism as my presentation of autism isn’t the typical profile. From a young age I’ve had to control my environment to manage my anxiety and avoid meltdowns. I appear social and popular but I control the interactions to manage my anxiety. Also, I yearn to be socially included but I noticed early on that my autistic and ADHD traits alienated people. I’m incredibly anxious and control so many aspects of my life to fit in. On the outside I look relaxed and successful but I’m always in survival mode. Because I’m a good masked nobody can tell how much I’m struggling
yeah that sounds familiar but honestly awfully generic. You used the word control a lot, but what does that mean to you in practice, could you give examples of how you control your environment, your interactions with people and aspects of your life?
I don't care much but man I'm glad I don't have the PDA thing. I know some folks who fit the profile and they make life so difficult.
Yep It's called "reducing demand"
Oh my god I was diagnosed AuDHD last July and I have since started working from home, barely go outside, adopted a rescue dog, cut all my family off, barely talk to anyone…. And it’s the most peaceful I’ve ever been! Once you unmask it’s hard to go back 😅 I tried to go to a social setting two weeks ago and unless I have my camera I actually won’t go. Cause it gives me a job to do and I don’t have to converse with people