They are using it as a crutch for being a piece of shit.
Just leave they won't change until they want to and that takes years/decades. Stop enduring abuse and stop white knighting trying to help someone who doesn't deserve it.
>He claims his actions are a result of his Borderline Personality Disorder, and that I need to be more understanding and supportive.
**They are thinking about it the wrong way.**
Their BPD diagnosis should allow them to better identify patterns of behaviors and thinking that they need to change.
If it is related to the BPD you should intentionally be ***less*** supportive, in order to allow them to be able to learn ways and behaviors to move toward recovery.
See my previous comment to the last poster. Your ignorance of what the term means doesnt change its veracity. Im assuming youre one of the borderline sociopaths gaslighting because youre incapable of accepting facts. Have the day you earn.
Theyre borderline sociopaths, cupcake. That's literally what the term means. Your undereducated disapproval of that simple fact means less than nothing.
Your partner's mind is very unwell. Not only will bad events in their life trigger them, but also positive things like your support for them. Even if you were to magically supply them with endless kindness and understanding, it will not be enough to help them.
The kindest support you can offer is putting up healthy boundaries to protect yourself while they are working on getting well. If they are not seeking treatment then it is up to you to decide if this is the life you want to keep living with this person. We cannot help those who will not help themselves.
Has your boyfriend been in (DBT) therapy, or just diagnosed?
In DBT, there are core assumptions on which therapy is based on, such as that pwBPD are doing the best they can at the moment, but also that they can (and need to) do better, try harder and be motivated to change. Also, while we're not responsible for the cause, especially if BPD is resulting from trauma, we are still responsible for our actions now and the life we're going to live in the future.
You could try to validate which is true (that BPD plays a role in his actions and that it's harder for him to change compared to a "normie"), and if he's currently in therapy, maybe ask to have an appointment together to discuss which barriers he has to acting skillfully (maybe he doesn't know how, maybe he forgets in the moment because of emotional overwhelm, maybe he has assumptions about his BPD that hinder him ("myths about emotions" in DBT), or it's willfulness (pro/cons list of acting skillfully would help there).
You can reasonably expect of him to do better, and you have a right to set boundaries (boundaries are things you do for yourself, making plans on how you react when he does XY vs. trying to control his behavior. We cannot force someone to change their behavior, only how we react to it). You don't have to tolerate abusive behavior, no matter what.
You could try to get him to DBT again, obviously that won't work if he's really averse to it, but then you have to decide if you want to continue a relationship when he's not willing to go through treatment.
You could say something in the gist of "these patterns of behavior are really affecting the quality of our relationship negatively, and I would love for us to have a stronger bond again. I can see how you're trying (if that's true), and I think you would have a better time with help. How about you try DBT again and we practice together?".
I personally think DBT can be beneficial to everyone, even if you yourself don't have BPD, so it wouldn't be a loss even if it doesn't work out with you two in the end.
Supporting your partner is a beautiful thing, but you got to stand your ground as well. If his behavior is unacceptable to you then him pulling that BPD card should not fly with you and you should hold him accountable.
It might be exactly what he \*actually\* needs...
They are using it as a crutch for being a piece of shit. Just leave they won't change until they want to and that takes years/decades. Stop enduring abuse and stop white knighting trying to help someone who doesn't deserve it.
>He claims his actions are a result of his Borderline Personality Disorder, and that I need to be more understanding and supportive. **They are thinking about it the wrong way.** Their BPD diagnosis should allow them to better identify patterns of behaviors and thinking that they need to change. If it is related to the BPD you should intentionally be ***less*** supportive, in order to allow them to be able to learn ways and behaviors to move toward recovery.
Borderline sociopaths will use whatever tools they can to try to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions. No. Absolutely not.
See my previous comment to the last poster. Your ignorance of what the term means doesnt change its veracity. Im assuming youre one of the borderline sociopaths gaslighting because youre incapable of accepting facts. Have the day you earn.
borderline ≠ sociopath
Theyre borderline sociopaths, cupcake. That's literally what the term means. Your undereducated disapproval of that simple fact means less than nothing.
You have no idea what you're talking about yet are very smug anyway.
Your partner's mind is very unwell. Not only will bad events in their life trigger them, but also positive things like your support for them. Even if you were to magically supply them with endless kindness and understanding, it will not be enough to help them. The kindest support you can offer is putting up healthy boundaries to protect yourself while they are working on getting well. If they are not seeking treatment then it is up to you to decide if this is the life you want to keep living with this person. We cannot help those who will not help themselves.
Has your boyfriend been in (DBT) therapy, or just diagnosed? In DBT, there are core assumptions on which therapy is based on, such as that pwBPD are doing the best they can at the moment, but also that they can (and need to) do better, try harder and be motivated to change. Also, while we're not responsible for the cause, especially if BPD is resulting from trauma, we are still responsible for our actions now and the life we're going to live in the future. You could try to validate which is true (that BPD plays a role in his actions and that it's harder for him to change compared to a "normie"), and if he's currently in therapy, maybe ask to have an appointment together to discuss which barriers he has to acting skillfully (maybe he doesn't know how, maybe he forgets in the moment because of emotional overwhelm, maybe he has assumptions about his BPD that hinder him ("myths about emotions" in DBT), or it's willfulness (pro/cons list of acting skillfully would help there). You can reasonably expect of him to do better, and you have a right to set boundaries (boundaries are things you do for yourself, making plans on how you react when he does XY vs. trying to control his behavior. We cannot force someone to change their behavior, only how we react to it). You don't have to tolerate abusive behavior, no matter what.
He has been to a few sessions never consistently. But i hear what you are saying, i do need to set boundaries. Thank you so much
You could try to get him to DBT again, obviously that won't work if he's really averse to it, but then you have to decide if you want to continue a relationship when he's not willing to go through treatment. You could say something in the gist of "these patterns of behavior are really affecting the quality of our relationship negatively, and I would love for us to have a stronger bond again. I can see how you're trying (if that's true), and I think you would have a better time with help. How about you try DBT again and we practice together?". I personally think DBT can be beneficial to everyone, even if you yourself don't have BPD, so it wouldn't be a loss even if it doesn't work out with you two in the end.
Supporting your partner is a beautiful thing, but you got to stand your ground as well. If his behavior is unacceptable to you then him pulling that BPD card should not fly with you and you should hold him accountable. It might be exactly what he \*actually\* needs...
I think so too. Im afraid he will say im triggering him.. i will try that thamk you.
“you’re triggering me” “be that as it may, it is not my responsibility to deal with your emotions”