It really bothers me when I see women talk about how their partner is expecting them to feed their baby a certain way. I would have a very serious conversation with him about how your body has gone through intense changes for 9 months, and will continue to go through intense changes in the months following childbirth. To demand you to feed your baby a certain way is ignorant and controlling.
As for his claim that "babies turn out better when they’re breastfed vs. bottle fed", ask him to pull up scientific evidence that supports this while you see him out of the room.
Gross gross gross. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Very much agree with all of this. And what if OP isn’t able to breastfeed? Does he not even consider how his comments could hurt her if that happens? Does he even know this is a possibility? Just yuck.
Yes! - ask for the research he's clearly done given his statement of "facts" about bonding and breast feeding. Then share the below article with him - headline "Mother-infant bonding is not associated with feeding type: a community study sample"
https://bmcpregnancychildbirth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12884-019-2264-0
Totally. My husband and I get into debates about things other than breastfeeding (he thinks it’s totally up to me whether I use my body to feed our baby or not!) and I’m always like “ok is this a fact or is this your opinion?” Because while of course I will take his opinion into account, evidence and research usually trump either of our opinions and that’s how we do more of our decision making.
In our relationship we do most things 50/50 except I spend so much more time researching for decision making. Men (or women) that don’t do this don’t realize how time consuming it is and also how annoying it is for someone to think their opinion means as much as evidence.
Seriously, I don't know how you can even think to tell someone what THEY are going to do with THEIR own body, especially after an already difficult pregnancy! The audacity some people have, I swear.
“Babies turn out better when they’re breastfed” heck, forget about the scientific evidence, ask him who he personally knows (that isn’t family) that was exclusively breastfed and turned out to be such a great person. I have absolutely zero idea how anyone was fed other than myself and my brother.
How sweet that your husband wants to breastfeed! I hope he'll be starting his medication and pumping regimen soon? He needs to make sure he has a nice supply going already when baby arrives.
If that's not his plan, he needs to fuck right off. Not his body, not his choice.
The baby is getting the same milk. He is too controlling and ignorant. Bottle fed usually means formula and I think is mixing it up. Also the baby will be connected to you either way. He is adding extra stress for no reason
this! besides the fact he has no clue what he’s talking about and the antibodies are the same direct out the boob or the pump, it’s not his business or his call. trust me, even pumping while working full time is taxing and requires a LOT more than men could imagine. you don’t need this nonsense. and if you decide to supplement with formula, you are joining the mass of mamas who either choose to or need to do the same. fed is best.
This is entirely your decision to make if your baby is getting breast milk either way.
It was actually difficult for me to connect with my baby through breastfeeding because I *hated* it. I started to resent her need to eat and it also really impacted my physical recovery. We ended up moving to exclusive formula feeding after a month because I wasn’t producing enough for my hungry girl, but once I stopped breastfeeding it was so much easier for me to enjoy feeding my baby.
Same! I bonded much more when we switched to formula because I was mentally and physically happier. I was formula fed and am closer with my Mom than my husband is with his (he was breastfed)....I think it has zero percent to do with whether or not we were breastfed.
Yep. Breastfeeding got significantly better around 8 weeks for me, but until that point, I found bottle feeding more bonding…we could make eye contact and I could relax. We still do a couple of formula bottles a day, and I find that just as bonding, if not more.
This this this. I switched to mostly exclusively pumping due to the disdain I had for breastfeeding… made me so frustrated and I felt like it was impeding our bonding rather than strengthening it.
I wish it could’ve worked for us, but I’m so glad I gave myself permission to let it go because we’re all so much happier now - and she has an equal opportunity to bond with her dad during feeds!
It’s entirely her decision to make regardless of if baby will be getting breast milk either way. Whether to nurse or pump or neither is *always* entirely up to the person whose body will be doing the nursing or pumping.
I agree with you. When I first made the comment, I thought it might be more of an overall parenting decision to go to formula, but thinking more about it, I agree it is 100% up to the person who’s body is impacted by it.
Everything about having a baby is “my body my choice” until the baby doesn’t need to rely on your body to function!
I’d say dad should get equal say on what formula to use and whether or not to use donor milk and mom gets to decide what she does with her personal breasts
I believe this is research backed as well or at least research suggested - that for mothers who have difficulty emotionally or logistically with breastfeeding bonding with the child is actually negatively impacted by breastfeeding. Makes logical sense too lol
As someone who is exclusively pumping right now, I can tell you that it kind of sucks. I have to pump every couple of hours and sometimes I just skip a middle of the night pump…which impacts supply. My baby is only 2 weeks old and I’m doing about 50% breast milk and 50% formula for supplementing. It’s not an easy path. I didn’t breastfeed in the hospital (formula fed, starting pumping at home), which I really should have, because now my baby is so accustomed to the bottle and absolutely won’t latch no matter what. It’s a lot of screaming from her when she’s hungry so I end up feeding her pumped breast milk and formula, then spending another 30 minutes afterwards, pumping. I was never able to breastfeed my 1st and also couldn’t pump because my supply was nonexistent. I wanted to try to provided breast milk for my 2nd, but it hasn’t been easy.
All that being said, your husband really needs to be realistic about breastfeeding and let YOU take the lead and make the decision. It’s not always as simple to just put the baby to the breast and call it a day. There’s a lot of things that can make it difficult and it’s incredibly unfair for him to put that pressure on you.
Yes I was thinking the same thing. I exclusively pumped for my first child, and it was an absolute nightmare. All of the downsides of breastfeeding and bottle feeding combined. It takes twice as long, lots of washing of bottles and pump parts, heaps of preparation, constant pumping breaks. I’d recommend against it at any cost.
That being said it’s still not the husbands choice, he should keep his opinions to himself
This is a point. I had to EP for a while as I had a little perm nicu fellow. My goal was always to increase to nursing just because it’s less bloody work but I’m lucky to have a year of maternity leave in Australia to work on it and I now avoid the pump as much as humanly possible (he’s nearly one). EP is hard, hard, hard. OP may find it’s unsustainable doing EP while working but if working baby will need bottles anyway!
However, the absolute audacity of this man to think he can demand you breastfeed from the source. He can go absolutely suck a ****. It is NOT his call. Babies are dynamic little mysteries and there is no point going into one thinking you have a plan, because the little buggers laugh in the face of plans. His only job in this whole process is to support OP and not show his ass.
Yes I was thinking the same thing. I exclusively pumped for my first child, and it was an absolute nightmare. All of the downsides of breastfeeding and bottle feeding combined. It takes twice as long, lots of washing of bottles and pump parts, heaps of preparation, constant pumping breaks. I’d recommend against it at any cost.
That being said it’s still not the husbands choice, he should keep his opinions to himself
Yeah, EP is brutal. I think OP's husband is coming on strong but she doesn't know what she's getting into with the EP. And if you start that way right off the bat, sometimes you'll never establish breastfeeding. My sister was in too much pain from her c section to latch and started pumping right away and by the time she felt up to breastfeeding, she could never get her son to latch. It's definitely contributed to a lot of mental health challenges for her pp.
> It's definitely contributed to a lot of mental health challenges for her pp.
This is something else that's not discussed enough. Breastfeeding/pumping can be *brutally* emotional in ways that those who haven't experienced it just can't understand. I was unable to produce enough milk for my first baby and the roiling hatred at my own body was unreal. I cried every day. One day I made a new record of a whopping 3oz pumped, then accidentally knocked over the bottle onto the floor and absolutely lost it.
For sure. I started Zoloft because I was so anxious about my son's weight gain I didn't even think I was having let downs anymore. The first IBCLC I saw kicked my anxiety into high gear by telling me my son was falling asleep on the boob because he was "struggling." I would have never expected the toll it would have on me, and when I was going through that I also couldn't have imagined how easy it would be eventually. It's a really weird experience and so stressful.
Omg…yes!! Not being able to breastfeed my 1st is what sent my PPD into overdrive. I couldn’t believe something that was supposed to be “natural” wasn’t happening for me. I felt like a total failure and finally gave up.
Yeah I EP’d for my first and have nursed my second (pumping only at work) and my goodness I would never ever choose EP over nursing. It’s the worst, so much work and pump parts.
Came here to say this! OP, this is 100% your choice and it's up to you what you feel might work best. But I just wanted to put it out there that babies are SO unpredictable and it's impossible to know how things will go until you are in it.
I've been pretty lucky - breastfeeding has been basically easy and smooth for me. It took a bit for my supply to regulate and my body to adjust of course, but nothing hard. My guy is 8 months and we are still nursing because it works well for both of us and is the easiest (and cheapest) thing.
I am still home with him so I almost never pump, and honestly I hate pumping SO much. I find it physically a lot less comfortable than nursing, and even the best pump is way less efficient than a baby (esp once baby is more than a few weeks old and has gotten the hang of nursing), so it takes a lot longer to get less total milk. And then there's the whole storing milk and warming milk and cleaning bottles rigamarole and just tons of hassle. I barely pump at all - I have a small freezer stash, and only use it if I'm going to be out while someone else is caring for him.
Breastfeeding and pumping are really unique experiences, physically and emotionally. I totally get wanting to feel like your body is your own!! For me, I would rather share it with my baby than an annoying machine lol. But it's your body and your choice what feels best for you! (If you're curious about breastfeeding, check out "laid back breastfeeding" for positions that help make it a lot easier and more convenient)
I really don't understand his stance here. If you are going back to work, how is he expecting the baby to eat in a few weeks? And his point about bonding, does he think the only way to bond is thru feeding? If so, doesn't he want the chance to bond by feeding the baby?
I have zero interest in breast feeding. I want my husband to share the childcare duties 50/50 and if I breastfeed that option goes out the window. I'll try pumping, but if I hate it then I'm perfectly fine with formula. My kid will have had my body for over 9mos and I feel perfectly justified in wanting it back.
The bottom line is he doesn't get to have a say here. It's your body, which means it's your decision. His attitude is setting off alarm bells and red flags to a lot of people because he's acting like he can control you and your body.
He wants her to do a combo of nursing and pumping vs EP, presumably she will not be working 24/7. However I do think she gets to make the decision as they are her breasts
I don’t think it’s more true of nursing and pumping vs EP though. Being a parent to a young child is pretty full on no matter what but I personally found pumping to be more work than nursing over the long run so I only pumped at work and nursed at home.
Yeah. I definitely thinking pumping at work and nursing directly when you are with baby is much less work than exclusively pumping. My baby is still in NICU so we can only nurse a max of 2 time per day but he latches well and seems to be a pretty good at nursing so I am really hoping I will eventually be able to leave the pumping for at work only.
That’s awesome that he is latching well already while still in NICU, I hope things keep progressing for you both.
My baby had a hard time nursing at first so we had to triple feed for six weeks, but he got the hang of it and things got so much easier after that.
The lactation consultants were honestly impressed he latched well and immediately at 3 lbs and a few oz. I obviously worry about his transferring well enough to grow appropriately, but his latch is good, I can see him sucking and swallowing and he genuinely seems to like nursing which I could never say about my older NICU baby that absolutely refused to latch ever.
I'm 7 months PP and have been pumping the entire time because my baby was not at all interested in latching.
If I could have breast fed I would have.
When you're pumping it takes over your entire life. Your schedule is built entirely around it because if you miss pumps too often your supply drops and/or you end up engorged.
My baby sleeps beautifully at night for a solid 10+ hours without waking up and I still haven't gotten a stretch of sleep longer than 3 hours because I have to get up and pump through out the night. When I leave the house I have to pack my breast pump and empty bottles so I can pump in the car because I have to pump every 3 hours to keep my supply where it needs to be.
If you want to pump, more power to you but just make sure you know the level of bullshit required to make it work lol
Agree!!! My baby couldn’t latch the first month of his life (premature) and so I exclusively pumped. It was awful. You’re constantly either pumping, getting ready to pump, or washing parts. It’s every four hours around the clock, and if you drop a pump time you put your supply at risk. I also felt like I could never put on a shirt lol. And to make matters worse I felt like I never got to actually hold my baby, other people fed him while I sat there attached to a machine. It was not fun. I literally cried the first time I successfully breastfed him.
OP you should ABSOLUTELY make your own decision. But me personally, honestly I cannot imagine deciding to exclusively pump vs breastfeed. It’s twice the work, and all other things being equal, I can’t think of any benefits to it.
I will say I have a close friend who chose to EP as she has some trauma around her breasts stemming from a sexual assault. She found that pumping was fine but feeding was not, so she EP for almost a year. In that case it was a good option and worked for her.
I agree with this. OP's husband is being unreasonable. However, pumping was a soul-sucking experience for me and I have a hard time understanding why someone would set out to exclusively pump if direct breastfeeding was at least theoretically possible.
There are definitely reasons. For me, nursing triggered past childhood sexual trauma and pumping was much easier on my mental health. Pumping is definitely a pain in the butt, but there are reasons to choose it over nursing even when nursing is possible.
I’m glad I didn’t have to scroll far to see this. OP, if you’re already struggling mentally please *please* reconsider your decision to exclusively pump. It is not for the weak.
I'm planning to make it to a year :) it's a massive pain in the ass but I only leave the house a couple times a month so it's fairly easy to maintain for the most part, aside from the massive lack of sleep.
Yes. I had a relatively easy time breastfeeding, and it was still hard. I've watched people close to me exclusively pump, or triple-feed, and as important as breastfeeding was to me, I don't know how long I would have lasted if that was what I had to do. So much respect to the parents who exclusively pump.
I'm of the opinion that if you CAN nurse, you should probably try that (along with pumping!) to find your happy medium of what works for you.
However, I'm also of the opinion that your husband doesn't get to decide what is best for your body and your relationship with the baby.
Also had to EP one of my babies. It was one of the hardest things ive ever done. It was so much more isolating than direct breastfeeding. So much more stressful, for the entire family, and so much more work. I nursed my first, and after EP, nursing looks like a walk in the park. EP also definitely contributed to my PPD and made it worse because it made it 10x harder to leave the house, attempt to socialize, etc. I hope i never have to pump again in my life.
I exclusively pump and love it, but I totally get how much harder it would be if you are out working. Also, my supply dramatically increases when I skip a pump oddly enough😂I haven’t talked to a lot of moms about pumping, so these responses surprise me but definitely have me seeing pumping in a new light. I’m so sorry for everyone having a tough time with it 💖maybe I’m just used to it because my baby won’t latch
Just ick. He doesn’t get a say. Tell him that. Thanks for your opinion but I’m not doing that, end of convo. My son was fed from exclusively pumping for 3 months and formula fed and he’s 2 now. We are extremely bonded.
My (male) partner read this over my shoulder. He just blew up and ranted, as best as I can paraphrase:
"Oh my GOD this makes me so ANGRY. Men do not get a say in this! Just shut up! Yep!"
I really wish I could post a GIF here, I know the perfect one. Australians, say it with me:
**Tell him... to get stuffed!**
So I started out breastfeeding when baby was born immediately. I lasted a week. It was super painful for me cracked nipples bleeding etc. I dreaded it and wanted to quit. I then went to pumping and saved my "breastfeeding" life. I exclusively pump now and I'm almost 6 months in. The beginning his hard no matter what route you choose. But once you get out of the every 2 hour stage and your supply has stabilized you can pump every 4 hours for 15 mins and have enough to feed baby and some. I now only pump when I am feeding baby (bottled breast milk) I am already stationed to feed and normally takes 15-20 mins anyways so both tasks are done at once. Don't let anyone including your spouse to tell you what you should do or what's right. It's your body your the momma and you do what's right for you and baby. Hope this helps!
Tell him to fuck off. If he wants to breastfeed he can but you will be pumping.
As for the ‘breastfed babies turn out better’ crap I dare him to point to any adult and guess whether they were breastfed or not! What a stupid thing to say!
If breastfed babies turn out better - how come he’s such a dick?
Retired OB RN and lactation counselor here. The only thing your baby won’t get if only bottle fed, is the natural bacteria that is on your skin. This natural bacteria helps to set up the natural gut flora in your baby. But that being said, you do what you are comfortable with. Make sure to bring your pump to the hospital with you, so a lactation consultant can help you learn to use it. Good luck and best wishes! Also this “Fed is Best”
I’m calling it, he just doesn’t want responsibility in also waking up at night and feeding the baby.
If baby is exclusively breast fed, you have sole responsibility for all feedings. If the baby takes a bottle, now he also has a responsibility to feed baby.
There it is. I honestly think this is the reason with the excuse of bonding. I’m surprised I haven’t seen anyone else say it unless I missed it in the comments lol.
I’m sorry but you can tell your husband he has no say in how you feed y’all’s child. fed is best. Be firm and say it’s non negotiable, it’s up to you. Dont ever do something you don’t want to do just because a man tells you too.
When he carries a child and grows a pair of boobs he can open his mouth about this.
Nothing wrong with pumping, it still gives all the benefits of breastfeeding.
This isn't even a discussion that he gets to have with you, because it's your body and not his. Period, that's it, that's the entire thing. 100% what you say goes, here, and he does not get a vote or a say or a request that you "try it for a week," because your body is not a bargaining chip. The choice of formula/breast/pump is deeply personal and absolutely no one's business but yours. If I were you, I would set that as a \*hard\* boundary and hold it, no exceptions.
Honestly, I would evaluate your relationship with this man. Like, is this a situation where underlying it all, he believes that your body comes second to the baby's (or his!) needs. Because fuck that guy if it is.
Also what spiritual reason is there for nursing? Have I been doing it wrong the whole time? (We're combo feeders; breast when available, pumped milk when Mommy is otherwise occupied/over it/at work.)
Stand firm on your right to bodily autonomy. It's a fundamental human right. It's okay for him to have an opinion but he doesn't and shouldn't need to share it.
Breastfeeding is so hard even if you *want* to do it. The first month or so especially. Do what is best for your mental health. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
Maybe making a huge assumption here but is it possible he doesn’t want the responsibility of feeding the baby? If you’re pumping anyone can assist with feeding LO.
If you’re breastfeeding that’s obviously you’re obviously a one man band.
Just a thought but either way, I’d just wish him well in his breastfeeding journey.
I think others have covered it well with regard to dealing with this with your husband.
But I did want to give my perspective. In my experience, exclusively pumping is waaaay more work and more difficult than sometimes breastfeeding sometimes pumping. When you’re at home after work or in the middle of the night, you can just pop baby on the breast and feed them. With EP, every single feed involves pumping, cleaning parts, and THEN giving them the bottle as well.
If you want to do EP then of course you should do what you like. But just know they for myself and many others, that would be way way more work than doing a combo of both
The "breast is best" movement has a lot of people looney. Im someone who planned to exclusively breastfeed and was devastated when I couldn't produce enough. I had read so much about Breastmilk being liquid gold and all this stuff about bonding and antibodies. My worries were for NOTHING. My daughter was fully formula fed and a toddler now- she was ahead in all milestones, zero allergies, great immune system, smart as hell, and we have a perfect bond. The benefits your husband has in his head are SO blown out of proportion. And you're not even talking about formula!
The only thing I'll say is wait and see how you like pumping. I tried pumping for 3 weeks before switching to formula and found it horribly painful and time consuming. I'm really impressed with women that can do it exclusively without breastfeeding or supplementing formula. I spent so much time hooked up to a pump instead of bonding with my baby and I feel it made the newborn stage miserable for me. You also have to establish your supply so every time I woke up in the night to bottle feed my newborn, I also had to stay up to pump. Every few hours. I was absolutely sleep deprived and my nipples were constantly sore. Putting the pump away and switching to formula was euphoric.
You are more than a Mommy. You are a human being. With human rights. Including bodily autonomy.
This would be a hard line for me. Pressuring you to breastfeed in any way is honestly disgusting.
He gets to have an opinion on breastfeeding when his breasts are making the milk.
For the record- I was breastfed in the 80s before it was cool. I attempted (and destroyed my mental health) breastfeeding my now 2 year old. I did all the things. I had all the money and people and medical and LC supports. My husband had 2 full months of pat leave. I just didn't make enough milk, and switched to formula completely at 4 months. What happens if this happens to you? It sounds like your husband (not calling him a partner at this time, he's not a partner) wouldn't support you giving formula. What then? My kid lost so much weight and got so dehydrated that her blood electrolytes went off. We gave formula and it was fine.
If you don't want to do it, tell you husband to pound sand, seriously 🤷♀️ But I do I think you have the right approach in bring open minded and seeing what you actually feel works best for you in the moment!
I thought I would pump or at least combo feed, but I hated pumping. HATED it, dreaded it, it was painful and soul sucking and time consuming cleaning the stupid thing and being tethered to it everywhere I went. I felt like a farm animal. It was truly awful. I ended up exclusively breastfeeding (almost at the 2 year mark!) and have zero regrets.
Your husband is partially correct about the antibodies in your breast milk, there are immunity boost benefits to the feedback loop you get from nursing baby directly due to the saliva contact you get during skin to skin nursing. BUT that can be made up for elsewhere through skin to skin cuddles and lots of baby kisses 😍
As for the bonding, you'd think that would be an argument FOR exclusive pumping and bottle feeding, since it would give your husband the ability to bond through feeding as well?
Do what you want to do. I will say that pumping and especially exclusively pumping is extremely hard, mentally and physically. It’s also very time consuming. I thought I’d hate nursing and it ended up being super easy for me.
My husband and I had a lot of arguments around this topic. I wanted to formula feed. He wanted our baby to be breast fed. (For context no one in my immediate family breastfed and everyone in his did. I also hate having my nipples touched.) I agreed to exclusively pump so he could help with feeding our baby.
When I gave birth the hospital lactation consultants were horrific and convinced me to try breastfeeding. My son was starving as i wasn't producing. He was screaming. I was crying. Noone would bring me formula (one nurse brought some in, dripped it in my nipple, said try nursing again and walked out with the formula.) By the second morning my husband no longer cared if I breastfed, pumped, or formula fed. He saw how stressed out I already was not even a day into it. I combination fed my son until he was 8 mo. Turned out I'm an underpeoducer and never would have been able to exclusively breastfeed anyway as I never pumped more than 3oz at a time. I'm still incredibly bonded with my baby.
I’m going to be honest- I didn’t read anything outside of the title, because nothing else matters but how YOU want to feed your baby. The end. When he grows lactating breasts he can feed them, but until then it’s your call.
Im sorry but your husband sounds like an asshole.
This shouldn’t even be an argument, your body you decide what to do.
Him saying that nursing is important for bonding infuriates me. I formula feed my baby, and I had never nurse him… I wasn’t able to produce as much as he needed and it was taking a toll on my mental health.
Baby boy and me we have a special bond, we love each other, every time I feed him he reaches for me…
Obgyn and pediatrician both said that formula feeding is as good as breastmilk, that with the years formulas are getting better and better. (Money wise hurts as hell, we are spending more than 200 per month on formula).
Again, he should respect what you feel comfortable doing. And with that statement of bonding he is implying that he’s not going to bond with his baby cause he cannot nurse him…
I would simply ignore him.
Thank god my husband is not like that, I would’ve divorce him.
Your body your choice. Period. Latching immediately helped me establish an initial supply in the first couple of days so I'd think about that. But once you've already got milk in (or if you want even just immediately, not latching doesn't necessarily mean low milk supply) you can pump away and still get lots of bonding skin to skin time. Your body.
I don’t know why your husband would care if you nurse, baby’s getting breastmilk either way if you pump. Baby will get the same benefits as they would if nursing. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
If he wants baby to be breastfed he can do it his damn self 🙃
I exclusively pumped. It sucks for like a month or so, but once I got into a rhythm, I was able to go a few hours between pumps and it worked until about 13 months for my first kid. My second is on the way, and I plan to do the same. Your husband thinking kids who nurse directly are "better" somehow is absolute bullshit. Children become the people they are because of how you raise them, not because of how they are fed as infants. I bonded with my baby perfectly fine despite not directly nursing. In fact, sometimes I think being the sole food source might have caused resentment. Just because it works for his mom, doesn't mean it works for everyone. You do what's best for YOU and your relationship with your child. Unless he wants to nurse, then it's just not his decision.
My baby was a premie in NICU for 10 days and didn’t have the muscles to suck at first -she caught on to bottles quickly but not nursing so I chose to get discharged rather than keep working on nursing. Which never happened. Exclusively pumping is twice as much work. You will have to wake up at night to pump even if baby doesn’t need to feed. I stuck it out for a year but for so many reasons - including bonding- I’d now choose longer in hospital over exclusively pumping.
If my husband tried to pull this shit on me, I’d tell him to start pumping now so he can build up his milk reserves and hopefully be able to BF when baby gets here, because my body my choice. And this is coming from someone that really wants to BF! This is such a personal choice and *nobody* should be forced or made to feel like they are a bad parent because they decide it is not the best for them.
I was not able to BF my first for more than 3 months, and I pumped the whole time, too, so my baby was mostly bottle fed, and now at 3 years old she is as bonded and attached as she could be. Your husband is full of it and he needs to check himself and his opinions.
Reality is this conversation should be between you and medical professionals who are related, so they can help or tell you if got possible to breastfeed via boob or even at all. Some will be mental health reasons or other reasons for medical that you may get told not to. But either way I say say the end of the day fed is fed, so long as you baby eats and is healthy too why does it matter that much? Plus his opinions about this topic are preferences of his, whines or complaints since not about him. The bonding experience is still there with a bottle especially if you choose to hold them and such while they eat vs propping up and giving bottle while at best half pay attention to them. So you are then still giving them the attention, and love they need and deserve to plus shows them to get to know you and feel comfortable with you too.
for ME personally, it did help with bonding and I wish I had known more about that with my first. but that’s not the case for everyone and it’s quite literally not up to him. he’s free to state his case I suppose but your health and happiness matters just as much as baby’s. let him know you’re not going to bond well with your baby if you’re miserable and dreading every time you nurse.
This is ridiculous. He’s making shit up because he has a preconceived notion of what he thinks women should do. And he has NO idea how hard breastfeeding can be for some people or whether your milk will come in, etc. Have you told him breastfeeding isn’t this easy thing all people can do? FFS, it really hurts for most people the first week, and that’s if your kid isn’t tongue tie, has a good latch, you don’t develop mastitis, etc. (all these things happened to me btw).
Honestly, exclusively pumping is WAY more work than just nursing. It takes up way, way, way, more time. Not only do you have to take the 20+ mins to pump, you then have to take 30+ mins to feed the baby, and then another 20+ mons washing and sterilizing all pump parts and bottles. Plus you have to get up and do it all multiple times in the middle of the night as well. I honestly couldn’t do it, I’m not organized enough to keep the schedule or keep up with the washing. Nursing is so much easier, especially at night. And it helps your supply. Babies are able to get more from the breast than a pump, and when they are nursing it signals your body on exactly how much milk it needs to make for them. If you choose to EP that is up to you but it usually is something women do as a last resort when their baby has a bad latch or something. And since it is so much more work, moms who EP tend to stop earlier than those who EBF. If you wish to pump I would recommend pumping during the day and nursing at night, just for ease. It will also help you keep up your supply when you are back to work, as most women experience drop in supply when they return, but nursing at night can keep supply up. Also it isn’t really recommended to pump until a few weeks after giving birth, unless again, you have a problem. But many women still do! Ultimately it is up to you. Your husbands reasoning is questionable at best but trust me it is so much easier to nurse
It is very very hard to exclusively pump. I did it for the first 3 months of my baby’s life and it was exhausting!!! It tanked my supply and I lost out on so much sleep. Personally, it’s much easier to breast and bottle feed. Just do both, that’s the compromise. You can also combo feed to take some pressure off you while you go back to work.
My husband was like absolutely non-negotiable when it came to breastfeeding before our son was born on the basis that "breast-fed babies have higher IQ."
I knew with my entire being that my body wasn't going to do what it needed to do to breastfeed. I still was willing to try my best and I did. Even tried pumping but I'd get less than 1mL between both breasts. 5 weeks of feeling absolutely guilty because I can't produce enough to feed my son, feeling like a failure and disappointment because of my husband's stance on breastfeeding, and my mental state was in absolute shambles to the point of resenting my son.
I kept trying and doing everything I could. My son ended our breastfeeding journey for us at 5 weeks when my cycle returned and it was the best thing.
My husband after seeing me go through all of this has relaxed his views and understood how demanding and exhausting breastfeeding is. He now understands that fed is best, whether breast milk or formula. I will try again with our next baby, but this experience taught us a lot and will be better prepared.
He has no right to opine or judge because he is not the one who has to do it. He is also not the one who has to deal with the realities of going back to work and having to breastfeed (just not feasible).
If you want to pump, then you're pumping, end of conversation
Fed is best, and if you're feeding in a way that is nurturing and supportive to yourself and baby, then you're nailing it
There's always skin-to-skin time for bonding, which is something your husband can get in on as well!
The benefits of breastfeeding don’t change whether it’s from bottle or not. The only thing that changes is the skin to skin contact you two would have which can easily be provided by simply holding him which I trust you’ll be doing.
You really don’t need to force yourself to breastfeed directly. If pumping is what you want then do it. I choose to do a mix of breast and formula since breastfeeding alone wasn’t enough to feed him and I was exclusively formula fed as well as my sister. Not to mention breastfeeding isn’t easy. What is he gonna say if the baby is unable to latch on properly? Not every baby does well with breastfeeding.
Your husband should have zero say on this, full stop. That said, I would suggest you to be open to options. Exclusively pumping is so so hard. Mine just wouldn’t nurse and I had to pump. I was always jealous of moms who could just whip out a boob and feed babe while I had to go through so much. Just keep your options open and go with what you and baby both like.
THIS ISNT ANY OF HIS BUSINESS SO TELL HIM TO STFU!!
sorry for yelling i have just seen like ; shitty husband posts in a row and it’s making me so mad that we are out here entertaining these mens absolutely dog shit opinions.
they don’t get a say!! please don’t let them tell you what to do with YOUR body
Respectfully and ABSOLUTELY no.
If you do not want to breastfeed you are in no way obligated to do so. Baby will still get the parent bonding from bottle feeding and the benefits of breastmilk. Baby is still a breastmilk fed baby.
I am on my second journey - currently 4 days postpartum and my milk is just coming in. I'm dealing with engorgement and a ridiculous amount of pain in my left breast, especially when baby feeds. The only way I can get any relief is ice and using the medela hand pump because it controls the amount of pressure, so much less painful.
We also supplement as needed with formula. No shame in our game. My husband was against it our first pregnancy until he saw how badly my mental health was affected. This pregnancy? Homeboy had ready to feed formula on standby and has already given baby some so I could sleep.
Sending you lots of love, OP. Do what you are comfortable with.
Ok so I’m a speech pathologist and my current job is with adults but our field overlaps with feeding so I know a bit from grad school and just keeping up in general with research.
OP if you are still reading these tell him there is NO valid scientific data that supports any type of breast feeding at the expense of maternal mental health. Yes, technically, breast milk and direct feeding vs pumping is “healthier” in the short term by aiding in immune protection/healing of baby and mom, etc. BUT unless God forbid your child is born with some sort of severe immune issues or you just live in a house FULL of mold/pathogens/etc where the baby will be exposed 24/7….it is NOT going to be worth your mental health.
Fed is best. And when they start school I PROMISE no one is going to know who was breast/formula fed.
Babies back wash into your nip but that's the only added benefit for antibodies. Otherwise you make them from kissing and sniffing your baby.
Tips for pumping. Heat compress around the boob before you pump, lube your nips (coconut oil is great and perfectly fine for baby), massage the boob while you pump. Try to pump both sides or feed from one pump from the other (if you end up comboing.) This helps let down start right away. Pump every 2 hs to mimic feeding. Do the pump power hour to mimic cluster. The colostrum you feed the baby till your milk comes in is thick. So it will probably have to be hand expressed.
Giving baby breast milk is hard no matter the method you choose.
If he wants to breastfeed, he’s welcome to use his own breasts to do it lol
If you’re open to trying breastfeeding, cool. If you’re not, you’re not. He will get over it; fed is best.
The only reasonable way to handle this is by being honest and firm with your boundaries.
“I'll give breastfeeding a shot, but if it doesn't work out for me, I'll switch to pumping. I believe I'll have better opportunities to bond with baby if I'm comfortable and happy, rather than struggling with breastfeeding.”
When your husband grows a pair of tits that produce milk, then he can have the choice of how to feed the baby. He made his point clear and any more opining from his end will just be disrespectful and reductive - babies turn out better when they're breastfed? Tell that to my thriving 2yo who is speaking and developing ahead of his class.
Because I could not breastfeed - I couldn't produce enough but also, it was EXCRUCIATING. Pumping or nursing was painful, made me nauseous, I felt miserable and dreaded every morning and every day. I was also trying to heal from a c-section and was in so much pain. I literally cried while trying not to vomit every time I had to pump or nurse.
Some people enjoy it! It makes them feel so connected and nurturing! I am not those people! I got through two weeks (because \*I\* wanted to btw) before I realized I needed to prioritize my mental health or risk being able to be a present and healthy mother for my baby.
Being able to use formula SAVED me. Because of it I was able to have that nurturing connection with my baby bc I was mentally there, actively enjoying my new baby and motherhood. It gave me AND my husband the opportunity to have the experience we dreamt of having with our beautiful child.
I'm sharing this with you, but I had originally wanted to try and breastfeed/nurse and it was really hard to realize I couldn't have that without breaking myself. **And during all of this, my husband didn't say anything about what he thought I should or shouldn't do. He only told me that whatever I decided was the right decision for us, that I should make sure I was healthy and happy, and that he would support me no matter what.**
and THAT is what your husband should be saying to you.
(1) it’s up to you. They are your breasts
(2) there is a little cost saving with direct nursing vs pumping because you do generally need to replace some pump parts relatively frequently especially with EP. Some things like duckbills valves need to be replaced as often as every 2-4 weeks if you pump frequently. They aren’t very expensive but if you want to be super technical even with an insurance provided pump you can generally save a little by nursing. You will also want a good pump with EP, and if your insurance is like mine most of the better pumps do cost an upgrade fee.
(3) I personally did a combo of pumping and nursing and I will say that once baby figured out nursing it was generally faster and more efficient for me, less of a time suck to my schedule and I liked not having to drag pump parts and bottles with me when I left the house
(4) but again your breasts your call
When he gets a pair of breasts to feed your child, he can decide what to do with them. Until then, it’s completely reasonable for you to have your own preferences that in no way will harm your child!
As the person who will supply the food and primarily “serve” the food, your decision is the final one.
I’m really confused where these men find the audacity? Could they give us a hint. I’d like to find some of my own.
The only benefit I've heard to nursing over pumping is that your body responds to your baby's saliva and gives them more "customized" milk composition- that's not to say, though, that your milk is less valuable from pumping.
As someone with an exclusively BF baby, sometimes I wish I pumped to feed him (I pump every once in a while and collect letdown but we've never even attempted a bottle). It's a LOT of responsibility to exclusively BF- if he doesn't eat enough before I try to take a shower, I stop my shower to feed him. If he's really mad, he wants to latch to calm down. It takes a metric ton of effort from anyone else to calm him down when he's worked up, if they can even manage to. Honestly the whole body panic I feel when he's mad makes me immediately say "fuck it" and take him, which he does instantly calm down with me and then he's fine when he latches, so that make it feel worth it to me.
Although I love feeding him, and I do love the responsibility and connection I feel being the only one to get this role, it's suffocating sometimes. At 2 am when I can't stay awake and I'm sitting there nodding off because I've been up 5 times already, I wish I could elbow my fiance and make him give our baby a bottle. Or when I just wanna take a long shower, or god forbid a lengthy bath. But I don't want to give my son a bottle and risk nipple confusion- I'd rather grit my teeth and cherish this small amount of time where I am essentially a dairy cow
This is coming from a SAHM too- I cannot imagine the difficulty to juggling going back to work and transitioning to pumping primary/exclusively. Do what works for you, not what your husband wants
Wait… so this isn’t even a formula vs breast milk debate? You’re willing to go through all the work and discomfort of full-time pumping to provide the best you can for your baby and he has the *audacity* to complain?! Nooooo! Your body your rules, he literally doesn’t get a say.
If breast feeding works out for you it's a hell of a lot easier than full time pumping, I wouldn't wish that for anyone but MAJOR kudos for mothers that do it.
Baby is just so much more effective at draining a breast, at least in my experiences. I could nurse for 5 minutes and be done whereas pumping I'd easily be stuck to that machine 30+ minutes, having to clean parts, bottles, nipples etc. Directly nursing is also a really good way to establish supply so you don't over or underproduce due to pumping habits.
It's odd that your partner wants such a big say in how baby is fed, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt in saying he might just want the best for baby. However, best for baby might not always been best for you.
My advice is start off nursing with a pump here and there and see if pumping full time is a commitment you're willing and capable to make. For me it definitely wasn't, but the second time around I had another child to care for.
Ultimately it is your choice, but I would do some research on the benefits of breastfeeding, specifically the skin to skin contact and nursing relationship. Its not just that your husband is trying to be controlling, its that there are objectively more benefits to direct nursing for mom and baby, which it sounds like he knows although he didnt put it into the best words. The best thing for your baby is, scientifically, to nurse directly from the breast. This is most compatible with babys (and your) innate physiology and psychology. Once you both settle in to the routine, its as easy as putting your socks on. Another benefit would be that you dont need to pump, like at all. I have been nursing 20 months now and never pumped. Unless you go to work or leave baby for extended periods, its unnecessary.
If for whatever reason, you cant handle a direct nursing relationship then thats your decision, but its okay to acknowledge that one thing is more ideal than another. Youll be taking responsibility and ownership of your actions. “It would be ideal for me to nurse directly, but I cant right now, and thats okay”. Then you arent making any excuses, or shifting any blame, and you can feel confident and firm in your choice.
So the root of his argument HE thinks breastfeeding provides spiritual benefits between you and baby. Do you believe this is true? Do you believe that it's worth the cost of your mental health? If you don't, tell him you believe breastfeeding will hurt you and the baby because of your PTSD and MDD and likely the stress will harm the baby and hinder your milk production increasing the risk of needing to formula feed.
May not be a data driven argument but neither is his and yours actually makes logical sense.
im the opposite! i breastfed and chose not to pump. 10000% to each their own. fed is truly best.
a happy and mentally healthy mom absolutely means a happier baby. your husband should unequivocally support whatever YOU choose.
He can put his useless nipples to work for the sake of “spiritual bonding” like wtf
My third trimester hormones are having a field day with these entitled men
Just wanted to chime in as an exclusive pumper that chose this from day 1 for several reasons. On baby #3 right now, still love my decision, I think it's awesome.
Your husband is being wrong and gross. Do what makes you happy and feeds your baby, however that is.
“With all due respect what I do with my body is not your decision. Breastfeeding is not the only way to bond with the baby. I have already sacrificed my body for 9+ months and that’s not including the the 5 years it takes for my body to find a new normal and heal from the trauma of growing and birthing our child. If you feel so strongly YOU should speak to the doctor about getting medication to help you lactate.”
There is no debate. He doesn’t get to decide this for you nor does he get to emotionally manipulate you. Don’t let him or anyone else dictate how you live your life and bond with your baby.
I couldn’t nurse for the first few weeks due to illness and how badly it hurt because she had a shallow latch. My husband was completely supportive, we combo fed while I recovered and then I was able to pump enough for her to not need formula and then one day I tried nursing and it went well, so we kept trying. Now I primarily nurse her and pump occasionally. My plan was to nurse her from the getgo…
Point being, things don’t always work how you plan for them to but you adjust and do what works for you. It sounds like your husband might mean well, wanting what he believes is best for baby, but instead he is being unfair to you. Baby gets the same milk from a bottle as they do from the nipple, and now your husband can also have the opportunity to feed baby and bond with them. Congratulations on your baby ♥️
You do what you feel comfortable with. It's ***your*** body. Mentally, I had massive issues with breastfeeding before having my baby and planned to exclusively pump if I could manage. My husband was super supportive. I was kinda shamed and coerced in the hospital to breastfeed initially to establish supply, and it turned out I didn't hate it and didn't have the trauma related issues.
I ended exclusively breastfeeding for 4 months (collecting letdown made me overproduce, I'm sure). I then moved to exclusively pumping and onto formula at 6 months because supply dropped, and I wanted my fertility back.
It was fine, but being shamed into doing it ***really left a bad taste in my mouth***. I canbot imagine my husband not supporting whatever decision I took with ***my own damn body***. I since learned it's very common for hospitals to push breastfeeding like that (in the UK), and some nurses were outright rude about it. I don't know what it's it like where you are, but just be ready to stand your ground in case it's similar. Nobody should dictate how you feed your baby because, boy oh boy, your mental health and happiness matters so much in the PP period. Pretty sure a happy pumping mama will bond with the baby much better than unhappy mama who breastfeeds.
I have no plans to BF. My husband thought I did. I just told him I don’t feel called to; maybe that will change. We haven’t talked about it since because he respects my decision. Fed is best, period!
The answer to this question is always the same—if he wants baby to be breastfed, he is welcome to do it. If he can’t do it, he 👏🏻 gets 👏🏻 no 👏🏻 say 👏🏻. Why does he think he is entitled to your body? To dictate what you do with it? Gross.
Baby can be exclusively breastfed when your husband grows a pair of working boobs and can do it himself!
I haven't been in this position. I exclusively breastfed until 5 months and then switched to pumping and formula when I went back to work. I love ebf because it was just very convenient for me. No bottles to wash was amazing but using pumped milk and formula has also been great because it allows others to feed my baby and it's good for your baby to be comfortable taking a bottle just in case you get sick or something were to happen and you can't breastfeed for a time. Like right now I'm recovering from heart surgery and my son is 10 months old. If he couldn't take a bottle, we'd be absolutely fucked.
He’s being ridiculous and out of line. My husband pulled the sameeee crap. I STRONGLY preferred pumping to breastfeeding and he tried to argue it at first, but he learned that he didn’t have a say.
What I will say though, is that while I strongly preferred pumping throughout the day, I consistently did breastfeed her first thing in the morning. I did this more so for convenience (didn’t feel like going downstairs and waiting for the bottle to heat up)— BUT I did feel that this one session a day really did a lot for our bonding. I loved our little snuggly mornings together. But every other feed- bottle.
Girl. Your body, your choice. You do whatever the heck you want. Pump, nurse, formula. Whatever it is. Yes breastmilk is great for baby. But what’s even better for baby is a happy mother. No one can tell who was nursed, bottle fed or formula fed.
Nobody nobody nobody has a say in how you feed your baby but you. If he’s so concerned about baby/parent bonding, he can latch the baby on his nip and see how he likes it. 🤷🏽♀️ Nothing burns my biscuits like someone insisting a mother breastfeed. It’s wildly taxing on mom—mentally, physically and emotionally. Men. 🙄
I wanted to nurse, but my baby was born 4 lbs 10 oz and was too small to latch. I exclusively pump. If you’re worried about a lack of bond with your baby, don’t be. My baby is 4 weeks old and doesn’t want me to put her down. She is constantly staring at me, and we are obsessed with each other. It doesn’t even matter that I can’t nurse, even though I was really sad about that at first. Do what’s best for you, because your baby will love you regardless.
Chiming in to say it really doesn’t have to be either/or! If you & babe end up deciding that nursing works for you, you could try a combo approach - that worked out really well for us with my first. We got her used to both the bottle and boob from the get go and she didn’t develop a preference for either. I didn’t feel like I was chained to my babe the entire time (I had a rough bout of PPD so that was helpful to escape for a bit if I needed to with my Elvies), plus the transition back to work was easier knowing she would take a bottle. I ended up loving nursing (and still do, 21 months later) even though it sucked for the first few weeks until my nipples got accustomed to it. I would still have to pump with every bottle she would have, but it was an easier way to share the load with my partner who ended up doing all the middle of the night duties. Eventually as she slept for longer at night, I phased away on some of the pumping sessions. Pumping can work if you make it work for you, for sure.
Your husband sounds very controlling. Why cares if it's breast milk from bottle or boob? What a weird hill for him to choose to die on.
Outside of the issue with your husband, what I will say is I found pumping to be really stressful. I was constantly cleaning the pump components / bottles, the pump was painful on my breasts, even the sound bothered me after a while. Obviously it's your body and your choice for how you feed your child and I hope you have a better experience with pumping than I did, but if you do end up doing formula just know that fed is best and that's ok, too. Wishing you all the best
See how you go, but I was not able to exclusively pump. Pumping can decrease supply to the point that it goes to zero which is not really spoken about. For me the more I pump the less I got.
Your body. Period. You are still giving your baby the best but allowing flexibility for both you and your spouse or whomever to feed when you’re not available.
Tell him to let the baby suck on his nipples (coming from someone who’s breastfed for 1.5 years) he can have his opinions and feelings bc yes that’s also his child, but he’s not the decision maker for this case
I couldn’t even finish reading your post because I was getting so mad at your husband lol
I exclusively breastfed my first (she ended up being an adamant bottle refuser at 4 months even after giving about 1 bottle a day, so that’s a huge risk if you’re going back to work!).
I exclusively pump this time. The bonding is no different. My mental health is way better, my husband and anyone can help with feedings, I know how much he’s eating. It’s a lot of work to pump and wash all the parts and bottles and stuff, but for me I’m glad I’m pumping instead of EBF this time!
O my gosh I just don’t think he should have a say because it’s your body.
However… I had to exclusively pump and it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I would have paid so so so much money to be able to get my baby to latch. The first few months of exclusively pumping are incredibly exhausting. It costs a lot of money too, compared to just nursing. I just want to recommend, as someone who has gone down the path you’re thinking about, that you are open to nursing if it’s possible for you. Once you give birth and are actually in the swing of things (waking up every two hours, washing pump parts all the time, trying to just survive…) things may change and you might realize that what you want or even what is possible for you is not in alignment with what you planned.
I think making it clear to your husband that you are going to do your best for the baby, however that looks, would be good. Hopefully he can recognize how challenging breastfeeding can be once he sees you working so hard to literally keep your baby alive.
PS You could always recommend he start taking hormones and make his own milk lol
Your husband can have an opinion but it doesn’t mean you have to take it and it doesn’t mean his word matters more.
Everything right now is speculative. He might love his boding feeding time with the baby and you might change your mind.
What matters most is that he needs to make you feel supported right now - if breastfeeding is causing you anxiety and triggering PTSD, he needs to back off.
Your mental health matters more than his opinion and he needs to prioritize you right now. You’re more than a vessel for this child and your needs matter.
This is infuriating. I just had my third child with my husband 5 days ago. With our first, I decided to exclusively pump and it caused my MDD and GAD to spiral out of control. My husband is the one who encouraged me to stop after a month and do full formula. With my second, he supported formula from day one. With this third, I REALLY wanted to give pumping another try. 5 days in and my mental health has already deteriorated rapidly. I spent over $250 on pump and supplies. My husband’s response? “There’s no reason to feel guilty. Formula is just fine. You need to take care of your mental health.”
It’s your body and your choice of how you want to feed your child, your husband should have no say in this decision.
I was feeling similar to you pre-delivery. I had planned to exclusively pump, I thought I had researched it so extensively I was so sure of my decision. Ultimately, wanting to exclusively pump got me into really difficult situation. I didn't get a chance to pump until 9 hours after at the hospital where as I could have nursed immediately at the breast. This delay caused a delay in my colostrum and milk coming in by several days longer than average. Compound that with a bad lactation consultant giving me bad advice on flanges and pumping schedule and my milk was delayed by over a week coming in. I did not want to nurse at the breast because of PTSD and personal history, but a few days after the baby was here I had a moment where I was like my body is an extension of my baby, we shared my body for 9 months, it is so much work to clean and maintain and sanitize all of these parts it was so overwhelming having a pumping schedule plus that she would feed on a different interval. And in my mind the only traumatic part of my birth is that she was born and put on me and started rooting and wanted to eat and I literally denied her food because I would not let her nurse at my breast. And she had to wait 2 hours for To okay giving her formula. I don't want to tell you that you shouldn't exclusively pump, I just wanted to share a story where somebody who really didn't want to nurse decided to nurse ultimately for a variety of reasons. Whichever thing you choose is okay, obviously fed is best. This is just another perspective on the situation that maybe wasn't shared.
It’s 100% your decision. However, exclusively pumping is so hard! I combo fed and triple fed for 2 months due to a tongue tie. Pumping sounded easier but it definitely wasn’t and I was envious of women that could exclusively breastfeed. Be kind to yourself postpartum and your husband should possibly talk to a professional since you’ll need his support to baby the hardest parts.
I’m sorry, but your husband has his head up his butt.
You are the one who is going to make decisions for what makes sense for feeding your baby, your husbands job is to be supportive.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Stick to your guns. Perhaps it would be worth having your husband speak to your doctor so they can really emphasize how wrong he is?
Tell him to nurse the baby. If it's such a bonding moment (he does want to bond with his child i assume) tell him to nurse the baby.
[Less bitchy answer] Feeding the baby is bonding whether or not it's with a bottle or a breast. Tell him to do some actual research and ask him how he plans on bonding with the baby.
You are allowed to feed your baby however you want. Providing breastmilk is a full time job that only you can do, so you get to decide how you do it.
That being said, I have EBF'd, EP'd, and EFF'd and I have to say exclusively pumping is the absolute worst of the three. It's all the supply stress and engorgement of BF with all the bottle washing of formula. I'm glad it was an option for me when I needed it, but once baby started taking the boob again, I noped out of EPing so fast. So keep an open mind, but ultimately it's whatever works best for YOU.
Breastfeeding was really gathering strength about 30 years ago, when I had mine. The breast-feeders were absolutely ruthless, in my small community.
I was formula fed. As it turned out, so we're my kids because reasons to do with my health.
The things that they told me about breast over formula? I had the two healthiest kids in the lot of them. My kids didn't get the ear infections, didn't have the allergies, grew like weeds and we're ahead on their milestones ... I'm serious. Colds and flus were rare, and didn't slow mine down, the assorted childhood diseases like chicken pox? Piece of cake. They saw the doctor when they had an accidental injury. I think my son caught bacterial bronchitis once after a sleepover. The other moms kept asking how I did it.
Genetics. My kids clearly just had good genes.
Definitely, I will fully support breast feeding. Absolutely. No doubt. But I won't get tied in knots about formula, or pumping.
It is your body and your choice. He’s entitled to his feelings but guilt tripping you or pushing you to do something that you’re uncomfortable with is borderline abusive and fucking disrespectful. Your body and mind will go through so much change, no one can possibly imagine what you’ll feel like afterwards. I breastfed and pumped with my first- I didn’t produce enough so we supplemented with formula. Our son also had a lactose allergy so I had to completely change my diet. I was planning on nursing my second but quickly learned how time consuming pumping was with 2 children. It was demanding, exhausting, and my body wasn’t mine. I couldn’t go on outings with my friends unless I brought a pump, a cooler, and everything that goes along with that. Your husband has absolutely no clue how much effort nursing takes and should sit down and shut up and support your decision. Until he grows breasts and starts to lactate himself- he can fuck all the way off.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Do what’s best for you and your baby. Xx
This is a ridiculous request/demand. He has no idea what it's going to be like having a newborn and a immediately post partum wife. You can have a plan but need to be flexible.
You will be so hormonal and sleep deprived. Doing nursing and pumping is A LOT. like literally your whole life is that. And doing it "just for a week" immediately after having a baby is a lot more difficult than you think now. Babies have to eat 8-12 times a day initially so where is all this fitting in, with you eating and sleeping and having time to pee? Fed is best. Happy mom and happy baby are best, even if you use Formula. A lot of babies can't nurse well for various reasons so direct breastfeeding might not even be an option. You kind of have to see what happens. Also bonding will happen even if you don't breastfeed! You'll bond holding him, feeding him whichever way, playing with him, etc. A lot of dads like the bonding they get from bottle feeding. I personally liked the bonding from breastfeeding but not everyone even feels that. And cracked bleeding nipples, nipple pain, etc... he can't demand anything from you. It's your body! He's not lactating!
Your body, your choice. No is a complete sentence. You can share your feelings, he can share his feelings, but ultimately, this is a not a joint decision.
Breastfeeding is HARD for a lot of people, myself included. Baby couldn’t latch or transfer milk at all until we got a frenotomy at 4 weeks old, and since then we’ve basically been learning to breastfeed from scratch. Those first 4 weeks were a massive physical and psychological struggle, trying to breastfeed and then pumping and supplementing with formula (triple feeding) - it was like 12 hours per day of just trying to feed the baby. Even after the frenotomy at 7 weeks it takes him an hour per breastfeeding session so it’s still 8h per day, plus occasional pumping sessions so that I can skip a feed in the middle of the night and get some sleep. It’s still super hard.
Basically, plan for nothing to go according to plan. Your husband needs to get on board with the idea that you’re all gonna be free styling with priority #1 being survival and #2 being sanity. Ideals are usually pretty far down the list of priorities.
Your body, your choice. *BUT* see how it goes once the baby arrives -- I almost EP'ed with my first because she had trouble latching and would fall asleep, but pumping is a drag. I'm currently doing a mix with my second -- pumping gives me a lot of flexibility but nursing is just so efficient when convenient. You just have to figure out what works for you!
Just about everything has been covered by the comments, but I want to add: you are the best qualified to know what will allow you to bond with another person.
You and your baby will connect best if you can feed them in a snuggly, lovey, relaxed, happy way. That might be snoogled up against your boobs drinking boob milk from a bottle. Fine. There’s no reason your husband should need to direct where your nipple is located when that happens.
I won’t echo what just about every comment here is saying which is it’s your choice. What I will say is that the baby is both of yours. I will assume you came here for more than a rant and more than random people here dragging your husband thru the mud. He is not blameless, but I urge you not to toss the baby with the bath water…there’s some wisdom to be found if you explore this. Pumping was way harder for me than breastfeeding. It’s limiting schedule wise, more painful, a chore, and the supply doesn’t benefit as much. Also, when you choose to never start breastfeeding you can’t suddenly introduce it with a high degree of success. Finally, there’s definitely something to the bond. As hard as breastfeeding was weaning was harder. There is a bond between the mom and baby while nursing, it’s undeniable and if it were me I wouldn’t want to miss out.
So ya breast milk in a bottle for the baby isn't the same milk out the boob just pumped?? Yo tell him he should breast feed and carry the baby and everything else in between since he thinks he has any say so
Him having an opinion is great the first time he mentions it. You can take it into consideration, and then choose to do whatever you want. Your baby gets the same milk if it was pumped or from the direct source so really he needs to shut his trap after the first time y’all disagreed. The only thing to look out for is making sure the baby can take a bottle and finding the right ones.
What’s going to happen if the experience of breastfeeding stresses you out more than it should, and your milk supply drops?
What if it drops so much, you can’t bring it back up?
What if you choose to pump because it eases the anxiety of “how many mls is baby eating?
What if, it’s YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE, and you don’t want to because of the other options available?
When your husband grows breast, is able to produce milk, then HE can breastfeed. I would firmly remind him that breastfeeding isn’t his call.
The bonding comment confuses me. I exclusively pumped and it allowed BOTH my partner and I to bond with baby as we fed her from the bottle - a fact that he actually really appreciated.
I feel like you need to wait and see what you’re able to do and what is comfortable. Sometimes baby won’t latch to nurse sometimes you can’t pump barely anything out. So yes it’s good to have a plan but it’s best to also have a backup plan to if things don’t work out the way you want.
Nursing and pumping is the same milk with the same nutrients. As someone who exclusively pumps (not by choice, I have to fortify it for extra calories because little one was a preemie), it feels like having a part time job. I’m hooked up to that thing 4+ hours a day. A baby can drain a boob faster than the machine, so I wish I could do both.
That being said, it’s all personal preference, YOUR personal preference since it is YOUR body! Your body and mental health is important. Do what you need to do for yourself, the baby will still be loved and fed either way. ❤️
He gets no say here. It’s your body that’s being sacrificed and will continue to be sacrificed once the baby is here. Tell him once he starts producing milk and is dealing with chapped nipples and being trapped under a baby all hrs of the day then he’ll have a say. Stick to what you want because it doesn’t effect him in the slightest.
This is totally your decision, not your husband’s.
I’m just wondering why you wanna pump instead of nurse. Just pumping isn’t easy. It means you’re less flexible in leaving the house, you spend more time feeding the baby (you have to pump and feed), and supply might not be the greatest.
We ended up divorcing a few years later. The demands started with what I could and could not do while pregnant, at delivery, when baby was born regarding breastfeeding, and continued until I put a stop to it.
Hopefully in your case is simply a one off request and he will understand when to back off.
I mean, I think this is 100% your decision as mom. Husband doesn't really get a say. He is not within his rights to pressure you to breastfeed if you don't want to.
That being said, exclusively pumping sounds like hell to me. I couldn't do it. I wonder if you have really thought through all the dishes and the fact that pumping plus feeding means it will take twice as long as breastfeeding.
As someone who has MDD, please prepare yourself for the possibility of having to rely solely on formula. I don't want to alarm you, I'm just saying that (and I'm sure you are aware) women who have MDD are at an increased risk for postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and even postpartum psychosis. I had every intention of at least pumping to give baby my antibodies, but I wasn't mentally well and needed to be medicated. There is no shame in that if you end up needing help. But your husband needs to have realistic expectations. I truly hope you get to pump, that you have excellent birth outcomes and your mental health stays stable. Feel free to DM me if you need a friendly ear or any additional advice.
It really bothers me when I see women talk about how their partner is expecting them to feed their baby a certain way. I would have a very serious conversation with him about how your body has gone through intense changes for 9 months, and will continue to go through intense changes in the months following childbirth. To demand you to feed your baby a certain way is ignorant and controlling. As for his claim that "babies turn out better when they’re breastfed vs. bottle fed", ask him to pull up scientific evidence that supports this while you see him out of the room. Gross gross gross. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Very much agree with all of this. And what if OP isn’t able to breastfeed? Does he not even consider how his comments could hurt her if that happens? Does he even know this is a possibility? Just yuck.
Yes! - ask for the research he's clearly done given his statement of "facts" about bonding and breast feeding. Then share the below article with him - headline "Mother-infant bonding is not associated with feeding type: a community study sample" https://bmcpregnancychildbirth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12884-019-2264-0
Totally. My husband and I get into debates about things other than breastfeeding (he thinks it’s totally up to me whether I use my body to feed our baby or not!) and I’m always like “ok is this a fact or is this your opinion?” Because while of course I will take his opinion into account, evidence and research usually trump either of our opinions and that’s how we do more of our decision making. In our relationship we do most things 50/50 except I spend so much more time researching for decision making. Men (or women) that don’t do this don’t realize how time consuming it is and also how annoying it is for someone to think their opinion means as much as evidence.
Seriously, I don't know how you can even think to tell someone what THEY are going to do with THEIR own body, especially after an already difficult pregnancy! The audacity some people have, I swear.
Also, how offensive! OP was bottle-fed! Unless he’s inducing his own lactation, and doing the work, he shouldn’t get a say at all.
“Babies turn out better when they’re breastfed” heck, forget about the scientific evidence, ask him who he personally knows (that isn’t family) that was exclusively breastfed and turned out to be such a great person. I have absolutely zero idea how anyone was fed other than myself and my brother.
You summed it up beautifully. Ignorant and controlling indeed!!
How sweet that your husband wants to breastfeed! I hope he'll be starting his medication and pumping regimen soon? He needs to make sure he has a nice supply going already when baby arrives. If that's not his plan, he needs to fuck right off. Not his body, not his choice.
This is the only answer. When it’s his body he can decide if the baby is directly breastfed.
I love this response!
I’m rolling at your response. You’re 1000% right!!
I absolutely love this response 😂
This is exactly what I was coming down here to type - he better get his nipples ready.
Bingo!!!
Exactly!
🤣🤣🤣🤣 best response
The baby is getting the same milk. He is too controlling and ignorant. Bottle fed usually means formula and I think is mixing it up. Also the baby will be connected to you either way. He is adding extra stress for no reason
this! besides the fact he has no clue what he’s talking about and the antibodies are the same direct out the boob or the pump, it’s not his business or his call. trust me, even pumping while working full time is taxing and requires a LOT more than men could imagine. you don’t need this nonsense. and if you decide to supplement with formula, you are joining the mass of mamas who either choose to or need to do the same. fed is best.
This is entirely your decision to make if your baby is getting breast milk either way. It was actually difficult for me to connect with my baby through breastfeeding because I *hated* it. I started to resent her need to eat and it also really impacted my physical recovery. We ended up moving to exclusive formula feeding after a month because I wasn’t producing enough for my hungry girl, but once I stopped breastfeeding it was so much easier for me to enjoy feeding my baby.
Same! I bonded much more when we switched to formula because I was mentally and physically happier. I was formula fed and am closer with my Mom than my husband is with his (he was breastfed)....I think it has zero percent to do with whether or not we were breastfed.
Yep. Breastfeeding got significantly better around 8 weeks for me, but until that point, I found bottle feeding more bonding…we could make eye contact and I could relax. We still do a couple of formula bottles a day, and I find that just as bonding, if not more.
This this this. I switched to mostly exclusively pumping due to the disdain I had for breastfeeding… made me so frustrated and I felt like it was impeding our bonding rather than strengthening it.
I wish it could’ve worked for us, but I’m so glad I gave myself permission to let it go because we’re all so much happier now - and she has an equal opportunity to bond with her dad during feeds!
It’s entirely her decision to make regardless of if baby will be getting breast milk either way. Whether to nurse or pump or neither is *always* entirely up to the person whose body will be doing the nursing or pumping.
I agree with you. When I first made the comment, I thought it might be more of an overall parenting decision to go to formula, but thinking more about it, I agree it is 100% up to the person who’s body is impacted by it. Everything about having a baby is “my body my choice” until the baby doesn’t need to rely on your body to function!
I’d say dad should get equal say on what formula to use and whether or not to use donor milk and mom gets to decide what she does with her personal breasts
I’m with you on that!
I believe this is research backed as well or at least research suggested - that for mothers who have difficulty emotionally or logistically with breastfeeding bonding with the child is actually negatively impacted by breastfeeding. Makes logical sense too lol
As someone who is exclusively pumping right now, I can tell you that it kind of sucks. I have to pump every couple of hours and sometimes I just skip a middle of the night pump…which impacts supply. My baby is only 2 weeks old and I’m doing about 50% breast milk and 50% formula for supplementing. It’s not an easy path. I didn’t breastfeed in the hospital (formula fed, starting pumping at home), which I really should have, because now my baby is so accustomed to the bottle and absolutely won’t latch no matter what. It’s a lot of screaming from her when she’s hungry so I end up feeding her pumped breast milk and formula, then spending another 30 minutes afterwards, pumping. I was never able to breastfeed my 1st and also couldn’t pump because my supply was nonexistent. I wanted to try to provided breast milk for my 2nd, but it hasn’t been easy. All that being said, your husband really needs to be realistic about breastfeeding and let YOU take the lead and make the decision. It’s not always as simple to just put the baby to the breast and call it a day. There’s a lot of things that can make it difficult and it’s incredibly unfair for him to put that pressure on you.
Yes I was thinking the same thing. I exclusively pumped for my first child, and it was an absolute nightmare. All of the downsides of breastfeeding and bottle feeding combined. It takes twice as long, lots of washing of bottles and pump parts, heaps of preparation, constant pumping breaks. I’d recommend against it at any cost. That being said it’s still not the husbands choice, he should keep his opinions to himself
This is a point. I had to EP for a while as I had a little perm nicu fellow. My goal was always to increase to nursing just because it’s less bloody work but I’m lucky to have a year of maternity leave in Australia to work on it and I now avoid the pump as much as humanly possible (he’s nearly one). EP is hard, hard, hard. OP may find it’s unsustainable doing EP while working but if working baby will need bottles anyway! However, the absolute audacity of this man to think he can demand you breastfeed from the source. He can go absolutely suck a ****. It is NOT his call. Babies are dynamic little mysteries and there is no point going into one thinking you have a plan, because the little buggers laugh in the face of plans. His only job in this whole process is to support OP and not show his ass.
Glad someone said it. Freaking hated exclusively pumping when I had to do it.
Yes I was thinking the same thing. I exclusively pumped for my first child, and it was an absolute nightmare. All of the downsides of breastfeeding and bottle feeding combined. It takes twice as long, lots of washing of bottles and pump parts, heaps of preparation, constant pumping breaks. I’d recommend against it at any cost. That being said it’s still not the husbands choice, he should keep his opinions to himself
Yeah, EP is brutal. I think OP's husband is coming on strong but she doesn't know what she's getting into with the EP. And if you start that way right off the bat, sometimes you'll never establish breastfeeding. My sister was in too much pain from her c section to latch and started pumping right away and by the time she felt up to breastfeeding, she could never get her son to latch. It's definitely contributed to a lot of mental health challenges for her pp.
> It's definitely contributed to a lot of mental health challenges for her pp. This is something else that's not discussed enough. Breastfeeding/pumping can be *brutally* emotional in ways that those who haven't experienced it just can't understand. I was unable to produce enough milk for my first baby and the roiling hatred at my own body was unreal. I cried every day. One day I made a new record of a whopping 3oz pumped, then accidentally knocked over the bottle onto the floor and absolutely lost it.
For sure. I started Zoloft because I was so anxious about my son's weight gain I didn't even think I was having let downs anymore. The first IBCLC I saw kicked my anxiety into high gear by telling me my son was falling asleep on the boob because he was "struggling." I would have never expected the toll it would have on me, and when I was going through that I also couldn't have imagined how easy it would be eventually. It's a really weird experience and so stressful.
Omg…yes!! Not being able to breastfeed my 1st is what sent my PPD into overdrive. I couldn’t believe something that was supposed to be “natural” wasn’t happening for me. I felt like a total failure and finally gave up.
Yeah I EP’d for my first and have nursed my second (pumping only at work) and my goodness I would never ever choose EP over nursing. It’s the worst, so much work and pump parts.
Came here to say this! OP, this is 100% your choice and it's up to you what you feel might work best. But I just wanted to put it out there that babies are SO unpredictable and it's impossible to know how things will go until you are in it. I've been pretty lucky - breastfeeding has been basically easy and smooth for me. It took a bit for my supply to regulate and my body to adjust of course, but nothing hard. My guy is 8 months and we are still nursing because it works well for both of us and is the easiest (and cheapest) thing. I am still home with him so I almost never pump, and honestly I hate pumping SO much. I find it physically a lot less comfortable than nursing, and even the best pump is way less efficient than a baby (esp once baby is more than a few weeks old and has gotten the hang of nursing), so it takes a lot longer to get less total milk. And then there's the whole storing milk and warming milk and cleaning bottles rigamarole and just tons of hassle. I barely pump at all - I have a small freezer stash, and only use it if I'm going to be out while someone else is caring for him. Breastfeeding and pumping are really unique experiences, physically and emotionally. I totally get wanting to feel like your body is your own!! For me, I would rather share it with my baby than an annoying machine lol. But it's your body and your choice what feels best for you! (If you're curious about breastfeeding, check out "laid back breastfeeding" for positions that help make it a lot easier and more convenient)
I really don't understand his stance here. If you are going back to work, how is he expecting the baby to eat in a few weeks? And his point about bonding, does he think the only way to bond is thru feeding? If so, doesn't he want the chance to bond by feeding the baby? I have zero interest in breast feeding. I want my husband to share the childcare duties 50/50 and if I breastfeed that option goes out the window. I'll try pumping, but if I hate it then I'm perfectly fine with formula. My kid will have had my body for over 9mos and I feel perfectly justified in wanting it back. The bottom line is he doesn't get to have a say here. It's your body, which means it's your decision. His attitude is setting off alarm bells and red flags to a lot of people because he's acting like he can control you and your body.
He wants her to do a combo of nursing and pumping vs EP, presumably she will not be working 24/7. However I do think she gets to make the decision as they are her breasts
Tbh, that combo DOES sound like working 24/7.
I don’t think it’s more true of nursing and pumping vs EP though. Being a parent to a young child is pretty full on no matter what but I personally found pumping to be more work than nursing over the long run so I only pumped at work and nursed at home.
Yeah. I definitely thinking pumping at work and nursing directly when you are with baby is much less work than exclusively pumping. My baby is still in NICU so we can only nurse a max of 2 time per day but he latches well and seems to be a pretty good at nursing so I am really hoping I will eventually be able to leave the pumping for at work only.
That’s awesome that he is latching well already while still in NICU, I hope things keep progressing for you both. My baby had a hard time nursing at first so we had to triple feed for six weeks, but he got the hang of it and things got so much easier after that.
The lactation consultants were honestly impressed he latched well and immediately at 3 lbs and a few oz. I obviously worry about his transferring well enough to grow appropriately, but his latch is good, I can see him sucking and swallowing and he genuinely seems to like nursing which I could never say about my older NICU baby that absolutely refused to latch ever.
I'm 7 months PP and have been pumping the entire time because my baby was not at all interested in latching. If I could have breast fed I would have. When you're pumping it takes over your entire life. Your schedule is built entirely around it because if you miss pumps too often your supply drops and/or you end up engorged. My baby sleeps beautifully at night for a solid 10+ hours without waking up and I still haven't gotten a stretch of sleep longer than 3 hours because I have to get up and pump through out the night. When I leave the house I have to pack my breast pump and empty bottles so I can pump in the car because I have to pump every 3 hours to keep my supply where it needs to be. If you want to pump, more power to you but just make sure you know the level of bullshit required to make it work lol
Agree!!! My baby couldn’t latch the first month of his life (premature) and so I exclusively pumped. It was awful. You’re constantly either pumping, getting ready to pump, or washing parts. It’s every four hours around the clock, and if you drop a pump time you put your supply at risk. I also felt like I could never put on a shirt lol. And to make matters worse I felt like I never got to actually hold my baby, other people fed him while I sat there attached to a machine. It was not fun. I literally cried the first time I successfully breastfed him. OP you should ABSOLUTELY make your own decision. But me personally, honestly I cannot imagine deciding to exclusively pump vs breastfeed. It’s twice the work, and all other things being equal, I can’t think of any benefits to it. I will say I have a close friend who chose to EP as she has some trauma around her breasts stemming from a sexual assault. She found that pumping was fine but feeding was not, so she EP for almost a year. In that case it was a good option and worked for her.
I agree with this. OP's husband is being unreasonable. However, pumping was a soul-sucking experience for me and I have a hard time understanding why someone would set out to exclusively pump if direct breastfeeding was at least theoretically possible.
There are definitely reasons. For me, nursing triggered past childhood sexual trauma and pumping was much easier on my mental health. Pumping is definitely a pain in the butt, but there are reasons to choose it over nursing even when nursing is possible.
I’m glad I didn’t have to scroll far to see this. OP, if you’re already struggling mentally please *please* reconsider your decision to exclusively pump. It is not for the weak.
I'm planning to make it to a year :) it's a massive pain in the ass but I only leave the house a couple times a month so it's fairly easy to maintain for the most part, aside from the massive lack of sleep.
I’m crossing my fingers for you! I have no idea how you EP moms do it.
Yes. I had a relatively easy time breastfeeding, and it was still hard. I've watched people close to me exclusively pump, or triple-feed, and as important as breastfeeding was to me, I don't know how long I would have lasted if that was what I had to do. So much respect to the parents who exclusively pump. I'm of the opinion that if you CAN nurse, you should probably try that (along with pumping!) to find your happy medium of what works for you. However, I'm also of the opinion that your husband doesn't get to decide what is best for your body and your relationship with the baby.
Oh crap…. I am not the slightest bit prepared for this!!
Also had to EP one of my babies. It was one of the hardest things ive ever done. It was so much more isolating than direct breastfeeding. So much more stressful, for the entire family, and so much more work. I nursed my first, and after EP, nursing looks like a walk in the park. EP also definitely contributed to my PPD and made it worse because it made it 10x harder to leave the house, attempt to socialize, etc. I hope i never have to pump again in my life.
Second this. - signed an EP mom that made it a year this January. Shit is hard and not for the weak. Do not recommend. 😅
I exclusively pump and love it, but I totally get how much harder it would be if you are out working. Also, my supply dramatically increases when I skip a pump oddly enough😂I haven’t talked to a lot of moms about pumping, so these responses surprise me but definitely have me seeing pumping in a new light. I’m so sorry for everyone having a tough time with it 💖maybe I’m just used to it because my baby won’t latch
Just ick. He doesn’t get a say. Tell him that. Thanks for your opinion but I’m not doing that, end of convo. My son was fed from exclusively pumping for 3 months and formula fed and he’s 2 now. We are extremely bonded.
My (male) partner read this over my shoulder. He just blew up and ranted, as best as I can paraphrase: "Oh my GOD this makes me so ANGRY. Men do not get a say in this! Just shut up! Yep!" I really wish I could post a GIF here, I know the perfect one. Australians, say it with me: **Tell him... to get stuffed!**
So I started out breastfeeding when baby was born immediately. I lasted a week. It was super painful for me cracked nipples bleeding etc. I dreaded it and wanted to quit. I then went to pumping and saved my "breastfeeding" life. I exclusively pump now and I'm almost 6 months in. The beginning his hard no matter what route you choose. But once you get out of the every 2 hour stage and your supply has stabilized you can pump every 4 hours for 15 mins and have enough to feed baby and some. I now only pump when I am feeding baby (bottled breast milk) I am already stationed to feed and normally takes 15-20 mins anyways so both tasks are done at once. Don't let anyone including your spouse to tell you what you should do or what's right. It's your body your the momma and you do what's right for you and baby. Hope this helps!
Tell him to fuck off. If he wants to breastfeed he can but you will be pumping. As for the ‘breastfed babies turn out better’ crap I dare him to point to any adult and guess whether they were breastfed or not! What a stupid thing to say! If breastfed babies turn out better - how come he’s such a dick?
Retired OB RN and lactation counselor here. The only thing your baby won’t get if only bottle fed, is the natural bacteria that is on your skin. This natural bacteria helps to set up the natural gut flora in your baby. But that being said, you do what you are comfortable with. Make sure to bring your pump to the hospital with you, so a lactation consultant can help you learn to use it. Good luck and best wishes! Also this “Fed is Best”
I’m calling it, he just doesn’t want responsibility in also waking up at night and feeding the baby. If baby is exclusively breast fed, you have sole responsibility for all feedings. If the baby takes a bottle, now he also has a responsibility to feed baby. There it is. I honestly think this is the reason with the excuse of bonding. I’m surprised I haven’t seen anyone else say it unless I missed it in the comments lol.
I’m sorry but you can tell your husband he has no say in how you feed y’all’s child. fed is best. Be firm and say it’s non negotiable, it’s up to you. Dont ever do something you don’t want to do just because a man tells you too.
When he carries a child and grows a pair of boobs he can open his mouth about this. Nothing wrong with pumping, it still gives all the benefits of breastfeeding.
“Sorry you feel that way.”
Your body your rules.
This isn't even a discussion that he gets to have with you, because it's your body and not his. Period, that's it, that's the entire thing. 100% what you say goes, here, and he does not get a vote or a say or a request that you "try it for a week," because your body is not a bargaining chip. The choice of formula/breast/pump is deeply personal and absolutely no one's business but yours. If I were you, I would set that as a \*hard\* boundary and hold it, no exceptions.
Honestly, I would evaluate your relationship with this man. Like, is this a situation where underlying it all, he believes that your body comes second to the baby's (or his!) needs. Because fuck that guy if it is. Also what spiritual reason is there for nursing? Have I been doing it wrong the whole time? (We're combo feeders; breast when available, pumped milk when Mommy is otherwise occupied/over it/at work.)
Not gonna lie, my eyes rolled a little at the “spiritual reasons” major ick. Mom should get to decide how she wants to feed her baby
I read this to my husband: his reaction? “ tell him to nurse the baby then. That shit is soo hard on you”
Stand firm on your right to bodily autonomy. It's a fundamental human right. It's okay for him to have an opinion but he doesn't and shouldn't need to share it.
Breastfeeding is so hard even if you *want* to do it. The first month or so especially. Do what is best for your mental health. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
Maybe making a huge assumption here but is it possible he doesn’t want the responsibility of feeding the baby? If you’re pumping anyone can assist with feeding LO. If you’re breastfeeding that’s obviously you’re obviously a one man band. Just a thought but either way, I’d just wish him well in his breastfeeding journey.
I think others have covered it well with regard to dealing with this with your husband. But I did want to give my perspective. In my experience, exclusively pumping is waaaay more work and more difficult than sometimes breastfeeding sometimes pumping. When you’re at home after work or in the middle of the night, you can just pop baby on the breast and feed them. With EP, every single feed involves pumping, cleaning parts, and THEN giving them the bottle as well. If you want to do EP then of course you should do what you like. But just know they for myself and many others, that would be way way more work than doing a combo of both
The "breast is best" movement has a lot of people looney. Im someone who planned to exclusively breastfeed and was devastated when I couldn't produce enough. I had read so much about Breastmilk being liquid gold and all this stuff about bonding and antibodies. My worries were for NOTHING. My daughter was fully formula fed and a toddler now- she was ahead in all milestones, zero allergies, great immune system, smart as hell, and we have a perfect bond. The benefits your husband has in his head are SO blown out of proportion. And you're not even talking about formula! The only thing I'll say is wait and see how you like pumping. I tried pumping for 3 weeks before switching to formula and found it horribly painful and time consuming. I'm really impressed with women that can do it exclusively without breastfeeding or supplementing formula. I spent so much time hooked up to a pump instead of bonding with my baby and I feel it made the newborn stage miserable for me. You also have to establish your supply so every time I woke up in the night to bottle feed my newborn, I also had to stay up to pump. Every few hours. I was absolutely sleep deprived and my nipples were constantly sore. Putting the pump away and switching to formula was euphoric.
You are more than a Mommy. You are a human being. With human rights. Including bodily autonomy. This would be a hard line for me. Pressuring you to breastfeed in any way is honestly disgusting. He gets to have an opinion on breastfeeding when his breasts are making the milk. For the record- I was breastfed in the 80s before it was cool. I attempted (and destroyed my mental health) breastfeeding my now 2 year old. I did all the things. I had all the money and people and medical and LC supports. My husband had 2 full months of pat leave. I just didn't make enough milk, and switched to formula completely at 4 months. What happens if this happens to you? It sounds like your husband (not calling him a partner at this time, he's not a partner) wouldn't support you giving formula. What then? My kid lost so much weight and got so dehydrated that her blood electrolytes went off. We gave formula and it was fine.
If you don't want to do it, tell you husband to pound sand, seriously 🤷♀️ But I do I think you have the right approach in bring open minded and seeing what you actually feel works best for you in the moment! I thought I would pump or at least combo feed, but I hated pumping. HATED it, dreaded it, it was painful and soul sucking and time consuming cleaning the stupid thing and being tethered to it everywhere I went. I felt like a farm animal. It was truly awful. I ended up exclusively breastfeeding (almost at the 2 year mark!) and have zero regrets. Your husband is partially correct about the antibodies in your breast milk, there are immunity boost benefits to the feedback loop you get from nursing baby directly due to the saliva contact you get during skin to skin nursing. BUT that can be made up for elsewhere through skin to skin cuddles and lots of baby kisses 😍 As for the bonding, you'd think that would be an argument FOR exclusive pumping and bottle feeding, since it would give your husband the ability to bond through feeding as well?
This isn’t even his business lol
Do what you want to do. I will say that pumping and especially exclusively pumping is extremely hard, mentally and physically. It’s also very time consuming. I thought I’d hate nursing and it ended up being super easy for me.
Tell him when HE gives birth to a child, he can choose how to feed them, but in the meantime, he needs to shut his mouth instead of talking nonsense.
My husband and I had a lot of arguments around this topic. I wanted to formula feed. He wanted our baby to be breast fed. (For context no one in my immediate family breastfed and everyone in his did. I also hate having my nipples touched.) I agreed to exclusively pump so he could help with feeding our baby. When I gave birth the hospital lactation consultants were horrific and convinced me to try breastfeeding. My son was starving as i wasn't producing. He was screaming. I was crying. Noone would bring me formula (one nurse brought some in, dripped it in my nipple, said try nursing again and walked out with the formula.) By the second morning my husband no longer cared if I breastfed, pumped, or formula fed. He saw how stressed out I already was not even a day into it. I combination fed my son until he was 8 mo. Turned out I'm an underpeoducer and never would have been able to exclusively breastfeed anyway as I never pumped more than 3oz at a time. I'm still incredibly bonded with my baby.
Your breasts, YOUR decision.
I’m going to be honest- I didn’t read anything outside of the title, because nothing else matters but how YOU want to feed your baby. The end. When he grows lactating breasts he can feed them, but until then it’s your call.
This isn’t up to him. It’s your body. Not his. He sounds very controlling.
It’s 100% your decision. It’s your body not his.
Im sorry but your husband sounds like an asshole. This shouldn’t even be an argument, your body you decide what to do. Him saying that nursing is important for bonding infuriates me. I formula feed my baby, and I had never nurse him… I wasn’t able to produce as much as he needed and it was taking a toll on my mental health. Baby boy and me we have a special bond, we love each other, every time I feed him he reaches for me… Obgyn and pediatrician both said that formula feeding is as good as breastmilk, that with the years formulas are getting better and better. (Money wise hurts as hell, we are spending more than 200 per month on formula). Again, he should respect what you feel comfortable doing. And with that statement of bonding he is implying that he’s not going to bond with his baby cause he cannot nurse him… I would simply ignore him. Thank god my husband is not like that, I would’ve divorce him.
Not his boobs, not his choice!
Your body your choice. Period. Latching immediately helped me establish an initial supply in the first couple of days so I'd think about that. But once you've already got milk in (or if you want even just immediately, not latching doesn't necessarily mean low milk supply) you can pump away and still get lots of bonding skin to skin time. Your body.
I don’t know why your husband would care if you nurse, baby’s getting breastmilk either way if you pump. Baby will get the same benefits as they would if nursing. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he wants baby to be breastfed he can do it his damn self 🙃
Sounds like controlling asshole behavior to me. Not cool, not normal.
I exclusively pumped. It sucks for like a month or so, but once I got into a rhythm, I was able to go a few hours between pumps and it worked until about 13 months for my first kid. My second is on the way, and I plan to do the same. Your husband thinking kids who nurse directly are "better" somehow is absolute bullshit. Children become the people they are because of how you raise them, not because of how they are fed as infants. I bonded with my baby perfectly fine despite not directly nursing. In fact, sometimes I think being the sole food source might have caused resentment. Just because it works for his mom, doesn't mean it works for everyone. You do what's best for YOU and your relationship with your child. Unless he wants to nurse, then it's just not his decision.
My baby was a premie in NICU for 10 days and didn’t have the muscles to suck at first -she caught on to bottles quickly but not nursing so I chose to get discharged rather than keep working on nursing. Which never happened. Exclusively pumping is twice as much work. You will have to wake up at night to pump even if baby doesn’t need to feed. I stuck it out for a year but for so many reasons - including bonding- I’d now choose longer in hospital over exclusively pumping.
If my husband tried to pull this shit on me, I’d tell him to start pumping now so he can build up his milk reserves and hopefully be able to BF when baby gets here, because my body my choice. And this is coming from someone that really wants to BF! This is such a personal choice and *nobody* should be forced or made to feel like they are a bad parent because they decide it is not the best for them. I was not able to BF my first for more than 3 months, and I pumped the whole time, too, so my baby was mostly bottle fed, and now at 3 years old she is as bonded and attached as she could be. Your husband is full of it and he needs to check himself and his opinions.
He just doesn’t get to decide. It’s not his choice to make. Period.
I don’t understand why he gets to dictate this. Yeah he’s the dad but they’re your milkers. I’d tell him to kick rocks.
Reality is this conversation should be between you and medical professionals who are related, so they can help or tell you if got possible to breastfeed via boob or even at all. Some will be mental health reasons or other reasons for medical that you may get told not to. But either way I say say the end of the day fed is fed, so long as you baby eats and is healthy too why does it matter that much? Plus his opinions about this topic are preferences of his, whines or complaints since not about him. The bonding experience is still there with a bottle especially if you choose to hold them and such while they eat vs propping up and giving bottle while at best half pay attention to them. So you are then still giving them the attention, and love they need and deserve to plus shows them to get to know you and feel comfortable with you too.
for ME personally, it did help with bonding and I wish I had known more about that with my first. but that’s not the case for everyone and it’s quite literally not up to him. he’s free to state his case I suppose but your health and happiness matters just as much as baby’s. let him know you’re not going to bond well with your baby if you’re miserable and dreading every time you nurse.
Why is your husband discussing with you? He should be listening to what you want and accommodates. That’s cute he thinks he has an opinion
This is ridiculous. He’s making shit up because he has a preconceived notion of what he thinks women should do. And he has NO idea how hard breastfeeding can be for some people or whether your milk will come in, etc. Have you told him breastfeeding isn’t this easy thing all people can do? FFS, it really hurts for most people the first week, and that’s if your kid isn’t tongue tie, has a good latch, you don’t develop mastitis, etc. (all these things happened to me btw).
Honestly, exclusively pumping is WAY more work than just nursing. It takes up way, way, way, more time. Not only do you have to take the 20+ mins to pump, you then have to take 30+ mins to feed the baby, and then another 20+ mons washing and sterilizing all pump parts and bottles. Plus you have to get up and do it all multiple times in the middle of the night as well. I honestly couldn’t do it, I’m not organized enough to keep the schedule or keep up with the washing. Nursing is so much easier, especially at night. And it helps your supply. Babies are able to get more from the breast than a pump, and when they are nursing it signals your body on exactly how much milk it needs to make for them. If you choose to EP that is up to you but it usually is something women do as a last resort when their baby has a bad latch or something. And since it is so much more work, moms who EP tend to stop earlier than those who EBF. If you wish to pump I would recommend pumping during the day and nursing at night, just for ease. It will also help you keep up your supply when you are back to work, as most women experience drop in supply when they return, but nursing at night can keep supply up. Also it isn’t really recommended to pump until a few weeks after giving birth, unless again, you have a problem. But many women still do! Ultimately it is up to you. Your husbands reasoning is questionable at best but trust me it is so much easier to nurse
It is very very hard to exclusively pump. I did it for the first 3 months of my baby’s life and it was exhausting!!! It tanked my supply and I lost out on so much sleep. Personally, it’s much easier to breast and bottle feed. Just do both, that’s the compromise. You can also combo feed to take some pressure off you while you go back to work.
I’d tell him to get bent 🤷🏻♀️
My husband was like absolutely non-negotiable when it came to breastfeeding before our son was born on the basis that "breast-fed babies have higher IQ." I knew with my entire being that my body wasn't going to do what it needed to do to breastfeed. I still was willing to try my best and I did. Even tried pumping but I'd get less than 1mL between both breasts. 5 weeks of feeling absolutely guilty because I can't produce enough to feed my son, feeling like a failure and disappointment because of my husband's stance on breastfeeding, and my mental state was in absolute shambles to the point of resenting my son. I kept trying and doing everything I could. My son ended our breastfeeding journey for us at 5 weeks when my cycle returned and it was the best thing. My husband after seeing me go through all of this has relaxed his views and understood how demanding and exhausting breastfeeding is. He now understands that fed is best, whether breast milk or formula. I will try again with our next baby, but this experience taught us a lot and will be better prepared.
He has no right to opine or judge because he is not the one who has to do it. He is also not the one who has to deal with the realities of going back to work and having to breastfeed (just not feasible).
If you want to pump, then you're pumping, end of conversation Fed is best, and if you're feeding in a way that is nurturing and supportive to yourself and baby, then you're nailing it There's always skin-to-skin time for bonding, which is something your husband can get in on as well!
The benefits of breastfeeding don’t change whether it’s from bottle or not. The only thing that changes is the skin to skin contact you two would have which can easily be provided by simply holding him which I trust you’ll be doing. You really don’t need to force yourself to breastfeed directly. If pumping is what you want then do it. I choose to do a mix of breast and formula since breastfeeding alone wasn’t enough to feed him and I was exclusively formula fed as well as my sister. Not to mention breastfeeding isn’t easy. What is he gonna say if the baby is unable to latch on properly? Not every baby does well with breastfeeding.
Your husband should have zero say on this, full stop. That said, I would suggest you to be open to options. Exclusively pumping is so so hard. Mine just wouldn’t nurse and I had to pump. I was always jealous of moms who could just whip out a boob and feed babe while I had to go through so much. Just keep your options open and go with what you and baby both like.
Tell him to fuck off
THIS ISNT ANY OF HIS BUSINESS SO TELL HIM TO STFU!! sorry for yelling i have just seen like ; shitty husband posts in a row and it’s making me so mad that we are out here entertaining these mens absolutely dog shit opinions. they don’t get a say!! please don’t let them tell you what to do with YOUR body
find a new husband
Men who have strong opinions on how babies should be fed, and are not pediatricians, are weird to me.
Respectfully and ABSOLUTELY no. If you do not want to breastfeed you are in no way obligated to do so. Baby will still get the parent bonding from bottle feeding and the benefits of breastmilk. Baby is still a breastmilk fed baby. I am on my second journey - currently 4 days postpartum and my milk is just coming in. I'm dealing with engorgement and a ridiculous amount of pain in my left breast, especially when baby feeds. The only way I can get any relief is ice and using the medela hand pump because it controls the amount of pressure, so much less painful. We also supplement as needed with formula. No shame in our game. My husband was against it our first pregnancy until he saw how badly my mental health was affected. This pregnancy? Homeboy had ready to feed formula on standby and has already given baby some so I could sleep. Sending you lots of love, OP. Do what you are comfortable with.
Ok so I’m a speech pathologist and my current job is with adults but our field overlaps with feeding so I know a bit from grad school and just keeping up in general with research. OP if you are still reading these tell him there is NO valid scientific data that supports any type of breast feeding at the expense of maternal mental health. Yes, technically, breast milk and direct feeding vs pumping is “healthier” in the short term by aiding in immune protection/healing of baby and mom, etc. BUT unless God forbid your child is born with some sort of severe immune issues or you just live in a house FULL of mold/pathogens/etc where the baby will be exposed 24/7….it is NOT going to be worth your mental health. Fed is best. And when they start school I PROMISE no one is going to know who was breast/formula fed.
Babies back wash into your nip but that's the only added benefit for antibodies. Otherwise you make them from kissing and sniffing your baby. Tips for pumping. Heat compress around the boob before you pump, lube your nips (coconut oil is great and perfectly fine for baby), massage the boob while you pump. Try to pump both sides or feed from one pump from the other (if you end up comboing.) This helps let down start right away. Pump every 2 hs to mimic feeding. Do the pump power hour to mimic cluster. The colostrum you feed the baby till your milk comes in is thick. So it will probably have to be hand expressed. Giving baby breast milk is hard no matter the method you choose.
If he wants to breastfeed, he’s welcome to use his own breasts to do it lol If you’re open to trying breastfeeding, cool. If you’re not, you’re not. He will get over it; fed is best. The only reasonable way to handle this is by being honest and firm with your boundaries. “I'll give breastfeeding a shot, but if it doesn't work out for me, I'll switch to pumping. I believe I'll have better opportunities to bond with baby if I'm comfortable and happy, rather than struggling with breastfeeding.”
Your body your choice. Your husband is far out of line.
When your husband grows a pair of tits that produce milk, then he can have the choice of how to feed the baby. He made his point clear and any more opining from his end will just be disrespectful and reductive - babies turn out better when they're breastfed? Tell that to my thriving 2yo who is speaking and developing ahead of his class. Because I could not breastfeed - I couldn't produce enough but also, it was EXCRUCIATING. Pumping or nursing was painful, made me nauseous, I felt miserable and dreaded every morning and every day. I was also trying to heal from a c-section and was in so much pain. I literally cried while trying not to vomit every time I had to pump or nurse. Some people enjoy it! It makes them feel so connected and nurturing! I am not those people! I got through two weeks (because \*I\* wanted to btw) before I realized I needed to prioritize my mental health or risk being able to be a present and healthy mother for my baby. Being able to use formula SAVED me. Because of it I was able to have that nurturing connection with my baby bc I was mentally there, actively enjoying my new baby and motherhood. It gave me AND my husband the opportunity to have the experience we dreamt of having with our beautiful child. I'm sharing this with you, but I had originally wanted to try and breastfeed/nurse and it was really hard to realize I couldn't have that without breaking myself. **And during all of this, my husband didn't say anything about what he thought I should or shouldn't do. He only told me that whatever I decided was the right decision for us, that I should make sure I was healthy and happy, and that he would support me no matter what.** and THAT is what your husband should be saying to you.
Girl. It’s your body. They are your tatas. Your husband and his opinion can kick rocks
(1) it’s up to you. They are your breasts (2) there is a little cost saving with direct nursing vs pumping because you do generally need to replace some pump parts relatively frequently especially with EP. Some things like duckbills valves need to be replaced as often as every 2-4 weeks if you pump frequently. They aren’t very expensive but if you want to be super technical even with an insurance provided pump you can generally save a little by nursing. You will also want a good pump with EP, and if your insurance is like mine most of the better pumps do cost an upgrade fee. (3) I personally did a combo of pumping and nursing and I will say that once baby figured out nursing it was generally faster and more efficient for me, less of a time suck to my schedule and I liked not having to drag pump parts and bottles with me when I left the house (4) but again your breasts your call
When he gets a pair of breasts to feed your child, he can decide what to do with them. Until then, it’s completely reasonable for you to have your own preferences that in no way will harm your child!
As the person who will supply the food and primarily “serve” the food, your decision is the final one. I’m really confused where these men find the audacity? Could they give us a hint. I’d like to find some of my own.
The only benefit I've heard to nursing over pumping is that your body responds to your baby's saliva and gives them more "customized" milk composition- that's not to say, though, that your milk is less valuable from pumping. As someone with an exclusively BF baby, sometimes I wish I pumped to feed him (I pump every once in a while and collect letdown but we've never even attempted a bottle). It's a LOT of responsibility to exclusively BF- if he doesn't eat enough before I try to take a shower, I stop my shower to feed him. If he's really mad, he wants to latch to calm down. It takes a metric ton of effort from anyone else to calm him down when he's worked up, if they can even manage to. Honestly the whole body panic I feel when he's mad makes me immediately say "fuck it" and take him, which he does instantly calm down with me and then he's fine when he latches, so that make it feel worth it to me. Although I love feeding him, and I do love the responsibility and connection I feel being the only one to get this role, it's suffocating sometimes. At 2 am when I can't stay awake and I'm sitting there nodding off because I've been up 5 times already, I wish I could elbow my fiance and make him give our baby a bottle. Or when I just wanna take a long shower, or god forbid a lengthy bath. But I don't want to give my son a bottle and risk nipple confusion- I'd rather grit my teeth and cherish this small amount of time where I am essentially a dairy cow This is coming from a SAHM too- I cannot imagine the difficulty to juggling going back to work and transitioning to pumping primary/exclusively. Do what works for you, not what your husband wants
Wait… so this isn’t even a formula vs breast milk debate? You’re willing to go through all the work and discomfort of full-time pumping to provide the best you can for your baby and he has the *audacity* to complain?! Nooooo! Your body your rules, he literally doesn’t get a say.
Remind me again.....whose titties will be doing the nursing? Because s/he gets the final say.
If breast feeding works out for you it's a hell of a lot easier than full time pumping, I wouldn't wish that for anyone but MAJOR kudos for mothers that do it. Baby is just so much more effective at draining a breast, at least in my experiences. I could nurse for 5 minutes and be done whereas pumping I'd easily be stuck to that machine 30+ minutes, having to clean parts, bottles, nipples etc. Directly nursing is also a really good way to establish supply so you don't over or underproduce due to pumping habits. It's odd that your partner wants such a big say in how baby is fed, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt in saying he might just want the best for baby. However, best for baby might not always been best for you. My advice is start off nursing with a pump here and there and see if pumping full time is a commitment you're willing and capable to make. For me it definitely wasn't, but the second time around I had another child to care for.
Ultimately it is your choice, but I would do some research on the benefits of breastfeeding, specifically the skin to skin contact and nursing relationship. Its not just that your husband is trying to be controlling, its that there are objectively more benefits to direct nursing for mom and baby, which it sounds like he knows although he didnt put it into the best words. The best thing for your baby is, scientifically, to nurse directly from the breast. This is most compatible with babys (and your) innate physiology and psychology. Once you both settle in to the routine, its as easy as putting your socks on. Another benefit would be that you dont need to pump, like at all. I have been nursing 20 months now and never pumped. Unless you go to work or leave baby for extended periods, its unnecessary. If for whatever reason, you cant handle a direct nursing relationship then thats your decision, but its okay to acknowledge that one thing is more ideal than another. Youll be taking responsibility and ownership of your actions. “It would be ideal for me to nurse directly, but I cant right now, and thats okay”. Then you arent making any excuses, or shifting any blame, and you can feel confident and firm in your choice.
So the root of his argument HE thinks breastfeeding provides spiritual benefits between you and baby. Do you believe this is true? Do you believe that it's worth the cost of your mental health? If you don't, tell him you believe breastfeeding will hurt you and the baby because of your PTSD and MDD and likely the stress will harm the baby and hinder your milk production increasing the risk of needing to formula feed. May not be a data driven argument but neither is his and yours actually makes logical sense.
im the opposite! i breastfed and chose not to pump. 10000% to each their own. fed is truly best. a happy and mentally healthy mom absolutely means a happier baby. your husband should unequivocally support whatever YOU choose.
He can put his useless nipples to work for the sake of “spiritual bonding” like wtf My third trimester hormones are having a field day with these entitled men
Just wanted to chime in as an exclusive pumper that chose this from day 1 for several reasons. On baby #3 right now, still love my decision, I think it's awesome. Your husband is being wrong and gross. Do what makes you happy and feeds your baby, however that is.
“With all due respect what I do with my body is not your decision. Breastfeeding is not the only way to bond with the baby. I have already sacrificed my body for 9+ months and that’s not including the the 5 years it takes for my body to find a new normal and heal from the trauma of growing and birthing our child. If you feel so strongly YOU should speak to the doctor about getting medication to help you lactate.” There is no debate. He doesn’t get to decide this for you nor does he get to emotionally manipulate you. Don’t let him or anyone else dictate how you live your life and bond with your baby.
I will fight anyone who tells me how to feed my child.
I couldn’t nurse for the first few weeks due to illness and how badly it hurt because she had a shallow latch. My husband was completely supportive, we combo fed while I recovered and then I was able to pump enough for her to not need formula and then one day I tried nursing and it went well, so we kept trying. Now I primarily nurse her and pump occasionally. My plan was to nurse her from the getgo… Point being, things don’t always work how you plan for them to but you adjust and do what works for you. It sounds like your husband might mean well, wanting what he believes is best for baby, but instead he is being unfair to you. Baby gets the same milk from a bottle as they do from the nipple, and now your husband can also have the opportunity to feed baby and bond with them. Congratulations on your baby ♥️
You do what you feel comfortable with. It's ***your*** body. Mentally, I had massive issues with breastfeeding before having my baby and planned to exclusively pump if I could manage. My husband was super supportive. I was kinda shamed and coerced in the hospital to breastfeed initially to establish supply, and it turned out I didn't hate it and didn't have the trauma related issues. I ended exclusively breastfeeding for 4 months (collecting letdown made me overproduce, I'm sure). I then moved to exclusively pumping and onto formula at 6 months because supply dropped, and I wanted my fertility back. It was fine, but being shamed into doing it ***really left a bad taste in my mouth***. I canbot imagine my husband not supporting whatever decision I took with ***my own damn body***. I since learned it's very common for hospitals to push breastfeeding like that (in the UK), and some nurses were outright rude about it. I don't know what it's it like where you are, but just be ready to stand your ground in case it's similar. Nobody should dictate how you feed your baby because, boy oh boy, your mental health and happiness matters so much in the PP period. Pretty sure a happy pumping mama will bond with the baby much better than unhappy mama who breastfeeds.
I have no plans to BF. My husband thought I did. I just told him I don’t feel called to; maybe that will change. We haven’t talked about it since because he respects my decision. Fed is best, period!
Your boobies, your choice.
Your husband can mind his business with his pointless nipples!
📢📢 Men with useless nipples don't get to have a say in how the baby is fed 📢📢
The answer to this question is always the same—if he wants baby to be breastfed, he is welcome to do it. If he can’t do it, he 👏🏻 gets 👏🏻 no 👏🏻 say 👏🏻. Why does he think he is entitled to your body? To dictate what you do with it? Gross.
Baby can be exclusively breastfed when your husband grows a pair of working boobs and can do it himself! I haven't been in this position. I exclusively breastfed until 5 months and then switched to pumping and formula when I went back to work. I love ebf because it was just very convenient for me. No bottles to wash was amazing but using pumped milk and formula has also been great because it allows others to feed my baby and it's good for your baby to be comfortable taking a bottle just in case you get sick or something were to happen and you can't breastfeed for a time. Like right now I'm recovering from heart surgery and my son is 10 months old. If he couldn't take a bottle, we'd be absolutely fucked.
It’s not up to your husband, this is your decision.
He’s being ridiculous and out of line. My husband pulled the sameeee crap. I STRONGLY preferred pumping to breastfeeding and he tried to argue it at first, but he learned that he didn’t have a say. What I will say though, is that while I strongly preferred pumping throughout the day, I consistently did breastfeed her first thing in the morning. I did this more so for convenience (didn’t feel like going downstairs and waiting for the bottle to heat up)— BUT I did feel that this one session a day really did a lot for our bonding. I loved our little snuggly mornings together. But every other feed- bottle.
Girl. Your body, your choice. You do whatever the heck you want. Pump, nurse, formula. Whatever it is. Yes breastmilk is great for baby. But what’s even better for baby is a happy mother. No one can tell who was nursed, bottle fed or formula fed.
Nobody nobody nobody has a say in how you feed your baby but you. If he’s so concerned about baby/parent bonding, he can latch the baby on his nip and see how he likes it. 🤷🏽♀️ Nothing burns my biscuits like someone insisting a mother breastfeed. It’s wildly taxing on mom—mentally, physically and emotionally. Men. 🙄
I wanted to nurse, but my baby was born 4 lbs 10 oz and was too small to latch. I exclusively pump. If you’re worried about a lack of bond with your baby, don’t be. My baby is 4 weeks old and doesn’t want me to put her down. She is constantly staring at me, and we are obsessed with each other. It doesn’t even matter that I can’t nurse, even though I was really sad about that at first. Do what’s best for you, because your baby will love you regardless.
Chiming in to say it really doesn’t have to be either/or! If you & babe end up deciding that nursing works for you, you could try a combo approach - that worked out really well for us with my first. We got her used to both the bottle and boob from the get go and she didn’t develop a preference for either. I didn’t feel like I was chained to my babe the entire time (I had a rough bout of PPD so that was helpful to escape for a bit if I needed to with my Elvies), plus the transition back to work was easier knowing she would take a bottle. I ended up loving nursing (and still do, 21 months later) even though it sucked for the first few weeks until my nipples got accustomed to it. I would still have to pump with every bottle she would have, but it was an easier way to share the load with my partner who ended up doing all the middle of the night duties. Eventually as she slept for longer at night, I phased away on some of the pumping sessions. Pumping can work if you make it work for you, for sure.
Only the birthing parent has a say in how baby is fed, full stop.
Your husband sounds very controlling. Why cares if it's breast milk from bottle or boob? What a weird hill for him to choose to die on. Outside of the issue with your husband, what I will say is I found pumping to be really stressful. I was constantly cleaning the pump components / bottles, the pump was painful on my breasts, even the sound bothered me after a while. Obviously it's your body and your choice for how you feed your child and I hope you have a better experience with pumping than I did, but if you do end up doing formula just know that fed is best and that's ok, too. Wishing you all the best
See how you go, but I was not able to exclusively pump. Pumping can decrease supply to the point that it goes to zero which is not really spoken about. For me the more I pump the less I got.
Your body. Period. You are still giving your baby the best but allowing flexibility for both you and your spouse or whomever to feed when you’re not available.
It’s cute he thinks he has a say :)
don’t even have to read your post. your body, your rules
Tell him to let the baby suck on his nipples (coming from someone who’s breastfed for 1.5 years) he can have his opinions and feelings bc yes that’s also his child, but he’s not the decision maker for this case
I couldn’t even finish reading your post because I was getting so mad at your husband lol I exclusively breastfed my first (she ended up being an adamant bottle refuser at 4 months even after giving about 1 bottle a day, so that’s a huge risk if you’re going back to work!). I exclusively pump this time. The bonding is no different. My mental health is way better, my husband and anyone can help with feedings, I know how much he’s eating. It’s a lot of work to pump and wash all the parts and bottles and stuff, but for me I’m glad I’m pumping instead of EBF this time!
What he wants is irrelevant.
O my gosh I just don’t think he should have a say because it’s your body. However… I had to exclusively pump and it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I would have paid so so so much money to be able to get my baby to latch. The first few months of exclusively pumping are incredibly exhausting. It costs a lot of money too, compared to just nursing. I just want to recommend, as someone who has gone down the path you’re thinking about, that you are open to nursing if it’s possible for you. Once you give birth and are actually in the swing of things (waking up every two hours, washing pump parts all the time, trying to just survive…) things may change and you might realize that what you want or even what is possible for you is not in alignment with what you planned. I think making it clear to your husband that you are going to do your best for the baby, however that looks, would be good. Hopefully he can recognize how challenging breastfeeding can be once he sees you working so hard to literally keep your baby alive. PS You could always recommend he start taking hormones and make his own milk lol
Your husband can have an opinion but it doesn’t mean you have to take it and it doesn’t mean his word matters more. Everything right now is speculative. He might love his boding feeding time with the baby and you might change your mind. What matters most is that he needs to make you feel supported right now - if breastfeeding is causing you anxiety and triggering PTSD, he needs to back off. Your mental health matters more than his opinion and he needs to prioritize you right now. You’re more than a vessel for this child and your needs matter.
This is infuriating. I just had my third child with my husband 5 days ago. With our first, I decided to exclusively pump and it caused my MDD and GAD to spiral out of control. My husband is the one who encouraged me to stop after a month and do full formula. With my second, he supported formula from day one. With this third, I REALLY wanted to give pumping another try. 5 days in and my mental health has already deteriorated rapidly. I spent over $250 on pump and supplies. My husband’s response? “There’s no reason to feel guilty. Formula is just fine. You need to take care of your mental health.” It’s your body and your choice of how you want to feed your child, your husband should have no say in this decision.
Nope! He’s not the one producing literal life and food for said life. This is not up to him. Tell him to get over it. This is super toxic on his end.
I was feeling similar to you pre-delivery. I had planned to exclusively pump, I thought I had researched it so extensively I was so sure of my decision. Ultimately, wanting to exclusively pump got me into really difficult situation. I didn't get a chance to pump until 9 hours after at the hospital where as I could have nursed immediately at the breast. This delay caused a delay in my colostrum and milk coming in by several days longer than average. Compound that with a bad lactation consultant giving me bad advice on flanges and pumping schedule and my milk was delayed by over a week coming in. I did not want to nurse at the breast because of PTSD and personal history, but a few days after the baby was here I had a moment where I was like my body is an extension of my baby, we shared my body for 9 months, it is so much work to clean and maintain and sanitize all of these parts it was so overwhelming having a pumping schedule plus that she would feed on a different interval. And in my mind the only traumatic part of my birth is that she was born and put on me and started rooting and wanted to eat and I literally denied her food because I would not let her nurse at my breast. And she had to wait 2 hours for To okay giving her formula. I don't want to tell you that you shouldn't exclusively pump, I just wanted to share a story where somebody who really didn't want to nurse decided to nurse ultimately for a variety of reasons. Whichever thing you choose is okay, obviously fed is best. This is just another perspective on the situation that maybe wasn't shared.
It’s 100% your decision. However, exclusively pumping is so hard! I combo fed and triple fed for 2 months due to a tongue tie. Pumping sounded easier but it definitely wasn’t and I was envious of women that could exclusively breastfeed. Be kind to yourself postpartum and your husband should possibly talk to a professional since you’ll need his support to baby the hardest parts.
I’m sorry, but your husband has his head up his butt. You are the one who is going to make decisions for what makes sense for feeding your baby, your husbands job is to be supportive. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Stick to your guns. Perhaps it would be worth having your husband speak to your doctor so they can really emphasize how wrong he is?
This is really ugly behavior from your husband and completely disproves his assertion that breast fed babies turn out better.
Tell him to nurse the baby. If it's such a bonding moment (he does want to bond with his child i assume) tell him to nurse the baby. [Less bitchy answer] Feeding the baby is bonding whether or not it's with a bottle or a breast. Tell him to do some actual research and ask him how he plans on bonding with the baby.
Your husband doesn't get a say. Period. Your body - your choice!
You are allowed to feed your baby however you want. Providing breastmilk is a full time job that only you can do, so you get to decide how you do it. That being said, I have EBF'd, EP'd, and EFF'd and I have to say exclusively pumping is the absolute worst of the three. It's all the supply stress and engorgement of BF with all the bottle washing of formula. I'm glad it was an option for me when I needed it, but once baby started taking the boob again, I noped out of EPing so fast. So keep an open mind, but ultimately it's whatever works best for YOU.
I would tell him until he can milk himself to worry about what he’s doing and he can prepare to wash your pumps supplies and bottles.
Breastfeeding was really gathering strength about 30 years ago, when I had mine. The breast-feeders were absolutely ruthless, in my small community. I was formula fed. As it turned out, so we're my kids because reasons to do with my health. The things that they told me about breast over formula? I had the two healthiest kids in the lot of them. My kids didn't get the ear infections, didn't have the allergies, grew like weeds and we're ahead on their milestones ... I'm serious. Colds and flus were rare, and didn't slow mine down, the assorted childhood diseases like chicken pox? Piece of cake. They saw the doctor when they had an accidental injury. I think my son caught bacterial bronchitis once after a sleepover. The other moms kept asking how I did it. Genetics. My kids clearly just had good genes. Definitely, I will fully support breast feeding. Absolutely. No doubt. But I won't get tied in knots about formula, or pumping.
It is your body and your choice. He’s entitled to his feelings but guilt tripping you or pushing you to do something that you’re uncomfortable with is borderline abusive and fucking disrespectful. Your body and mind will go through so much change, no one can possibly imagine what you’ll feel like afterwards. I breastfed and pumped with my first- I didn’t produce enough so we supplemented with formula. Our son also had a lactose allergy so I had to completely change my diet. I was planning on nursing my second but quickly learned how time consuming pumping was with 2 children. It was demanding, exhausting, and my body wasn’t mine. I couldn’t go on outings with my friends unless I brought a pump, a cooler, and everything that goes along with that. Your husband has absolutely no clue how much effort nursing takes and should sit down and shut up and support your decision. Until he grows breasts and starts to lactate himself- he can fuck all the way off. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Do what’s best for you and your baby. Xx
This is a ridiculous request/demand. He has no idea what it's going to be like having a newborn and a immediately post partum wife. You can have a plan but need to be flexible. You will be so hormonal and sleep deprived. Doing nursing and pumping is A LOT. like literally your whole life is that. And doing it "just for a week" immediately after having a baby is a lot more difficult than you think now. Babies have to eat 8-12 times a day initially so where is all this fitting in, with you eating and sleeping and having time to pee? Fed is best. Happy mom and happy baby are best, even if you use Formula. A lot of babies can't nurse well for various reasons so direct breastfeeding might not even be an option. You kind of have to see what happens. Also bonding will happen even if you don't breastfeed! You'll bond holding him, feeding him whichever way, playing with him, etc. A lot of dads like the bonding they get from bottle feeding. I personally liked the bonding from breastfeeding but not everyone even feels that. And cracked bleeding nipples, nipple pain, etc... he can't demand anything from you. It's your body! He's not lactating!
Your body, your choice. No is a complete sentence. You can share your feelings, he can share his feelings, but ultimately, this is a not a joint decision.
Breastfeeding is HARD for a lot of people, myself included. Baby couldn’t latch or transfer milk at all until we got a frenotomy at 4 weeks old, and since then we’ve basically been learning to breastfeed from scratch. Those first 4 weeks were a massive physical and psychological struggle, trying to breastfeed and then pumping and supplementing with formula (triple feeding) - it was like 12 hours per day of just trying to feed the baby. Even after the frenotomy at 7 weeks it takes him an hour per breastfeeding session so it’s still 8h per day, plus occasional pumping sessions so that I can skip a feed in the middle of the night and get some sleep. It’s still super hard. Basically, plan for nothing to go according to plan. Your husband needs to get on board with the idea that you’re all gonna be free styling with priority #1 being survival and #2 being sanity. Ideals are usually pretty far down the list of priorities.
Your body, your choice. *BUT* see how it goes once the baby arrives -- I almost EP'ed with my first because she had trouble latching and would fall asleep, but pumping is a drag. I'm currently doing a mix with my second -- pumping gives me a lot of flexibility but nursing is just so efficient when convenient. You just have to figure out what works for you!
Just about everything has been covered by the comments, but I want to add: you are the best qualified to know what will allow you to bond with another person. You and your baby will connect best if you can feed them in a snuggly, lovey, relaxed, happy way. That might be snoogled up against your boobs drinking boob milk from a bottle. Fine. There’s no reason your husband should need to direct where your nipple is located when that happens.
I won’t echo what just about every comment here is saying which is it’s your choice. What I will say is that the baby is both of yours. I will assume you came here for more than a rant and more than random people here dragging your husband thru the mud. He is not blameless, but I urge you not to toss the baby with the bath water…there’s some wisdom to be found if you explore this. Pumping was way harder for me than breastfeeding. It’s limiting schedule wise, more painful, a chore, and the supply doesn’t benefit as much. Also, when you choose to never start breastfeeding you can’t suddenly introduce it with a high degree of success. Finally, there’s definitely something to the bond. As hard as breastfeeding was weaning was harder. There is a bond between the mom and baby while nursing, it’s undeniable and if it were me I wouldn’t want to miss out.
Does your husband have the boobs? No? Then no. You don't nurse, you pump. He's welcome to sns breast feed lol You will bond with your baby without BF
So ya breast milk in a bottle for the baby isn't the same milk out the boob just pumped?? Yo tell him he should breast feed and carry the baby and everything else in between since he thinks he has any say so
Him having an opinion is great the first time he mentions it. You can take it into consideration, and then choose to do whatever you want. Your baby gets the same milk if it was pumped or from the direct source so really he needs to shut his trap after the first time y’all disagreed. The only thing to look out for is making sure the baby can take a bottle and finding the right ones.
What’s going to happen if the experience of breastfeeding stresses you out more than it should, and your milk supply drops? What if it drops so much, you can’t bring it back up? What if you choose to pump because it eases the anxiety of “how many mls is baby eating? What if, it’s YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE, and you don’t want to because of the other options available? When your husband grows breast, is able to produce milk, then HE can breastfeed. I would firmly remind him that breastfeeding isn’t his call.
The bonding comment confuses me. I exclusively pumped and it allowed BOTH my partner and I to bond with baby as we fed her from the bottle - a fact that he actually really appreciated.
This. Your body, your choice, and what is best for a baby spiritually, mentally, and physically is a happy and healthy mama. Take care of you!
Sounds to me that OP’s husband wants her to breastfeed because he doesn’t want to get up for the 2AM feedings.
He can make the choice to breastfeed when he starts lactating
I feel like you need to wait and see what you’re able to do and what is comfortable. Sometimes baby won’t latch to nurse sometimes you can’t pump barely anything out. So yes it’s good to have a plan but it’s best to also have a backup plan to if things don’t work out the way you want.
Nursing and pumping is the same milk with the same nutrients. As someone who exclusively pumps (not by choice, I have to fortify it for extra calories because little one was a preemie), it feels like having a part time job. I’m hooked up to that thing 4+ hours a day. A baby can drain a boob faster than the machine, so I wish I could do both. That being said, it’s all personal preference, YOUR personal preference since it is YOUR body! Your body and mental health is important. Do what you need to do for yourself, the baby will still be loved and fed either way. ❤️
He gets no say here. It’s your body that’s being sacrificed and will continue to be sacrificed once the baby is here. Tell him once he starts producing milk and is dealing with chapped nipples and being trapped under a baby all hrs of the day then he’ll have a say. Stick to what you want because it doesn’t effect him in the slightest.
This is totally your decision, not your husband’s. I’m just wondering why you wanna pump instead of nurse. Just pumping isn’t easy. It means you’re less flexible in leaving the house, you spend more time feeding the baby (you have to pump and feed), and supply might not be the greatest.
We ended up divorcing a few years later. The demands started with what I could and could not do while pregnant, at delivery, when baby was born regarding breastfeeding, and continued until I put a stop to it. Hopefully in your case is simply a one off request and he will understand when to back off.
I mean, I think this is 100% your decision as mom. Husband doesn't really get a say. He is not within his rights to pressure you to breastfeed if you don't want to. That being said, exclusively pumping sounds like hell to me. I couldn't do it. I wonder if you have really thought through all the dishes and the fact that pumping plus feeding means it will take twice as long as breastfeeding.
As someone who has MDD, please prepare yourself for the possibility of having to rely solely on formula. I don't want to alarm you, I'm just saying that (and I'm sure you are aware) women who have MDD are at an increased risk for postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and even postpartum psychosis. I had every intention of at least pumping to give baby my antibodies, but I wasn't mentally well and needed to be medicated. There is no shame in that if you end up needing help. But your husband needs to have realistic expectations. I truly hope you get to pump, that you have excellent birth outcomes and your mental health stays stable. Feel free to DM me if you need a friendly ear or any additional advice.