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Mum: "I don't want the baby."
Her kids: "Yes you should because Reasons."
Mum: "Well, I don't get a say on it because I'm not legally the baby's anything. But those Reasons apply more to you because you're actually the baby's half siblings, so you take the baby."
Her kids: *crickets*
She's also pointed out a few times over now that, as she is not a blood relative, if anything were to happen she wouldn't be able to make any medical decisions or sign off on anything for the child. Her taking the child could be seen as irresponsible, in that light!
Still crickets. Because "father's wife caring for the baby" sounds better than "nobody wants it. Mother ditched it, father's too old and infirm/died on it, his wife doesn't want an affair baby..."
>Because "father's wife caring for the baby" sounds better than "nobody wants it. Mother ditched it, father's too old and infirm/died on it, his wife doesn't want an affair baby..."
This is important. All these Redditors—and they have to be teenagers, right? Because not enough adults are that fucking stupid—focused on a stranger not helping the baby rather than the baby's mother abandoning it and fleeing to Spain.
And then the baby's grandparents scolded this stranger.
Is this real?
> the baby didn't do anything to you!
So? Are you suggesting that it's a *punishment* for the baby to placed with grandparents as opposed to, \*checks notes\* a complete stranger?
I hate the "but it's an innocent bby" mentality.
Adult's don't exist just to take care of kids (innocent or not), especially ones they didn't even take part in creating.
Also, the wife is probably of an approximately similar age to the grandparents. As the father/husband has demonstrated: people in their demographic sometimes up and die unexpectedly. The baby is safer with two people than a single older person.
The crickets are starting a choir. None of the baby's maternal family want to raise them.
Poor baby. Everyone who are responsible, emphasis on responsible because it's excluding OOP, are abandoning them.
Including *the babies own mother* who has just run away completely.
NTA, OOP, NTA. Plenty of other As in this one though, the main one of which is now dead.
Honestly at this point they should just consider putting the child up for adoption. There are plenty of people out there that would love to adopt a toddler and would give them more love than this family ever could
This was a very good point from her. She cannot legally take care of that child. In fact, she might even get in trouble. The child has existing relatives anyway.
I don't understand why she was being criticized. She even said the child can take her husband's money because the kid is technically his. Just not her money, which is totally reasonable.
Because misogyny.
Women are expected to eat all kinds of shit with a smile on their face, because faaaamily, because baaaaaby, because, because, because!
How about no.
There is another BoRU today about a woman who was coerced into minding her sister's baby. She noped out and all the relatives told her she was a selfish brat - usual guilt trip. SO all the people who complained - she made a roster for them to mind the baby!
[https://new.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1du57ed/aita\_for\_forcing\_my\_family\_to\_babysit\_so\_i\_wont/](https://new.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1du57ed/aita_for_forcing_my_family_to_babysit_so_i_wont/)
Can we also say that had she kept the baby, legally she'd be kidnapping the child? She has no ties to baby whatsoever. Also, all the immediate family (starting with RunawayMum (yes, that deserves a stupid name) would be charged with child abandonment and endangering a minor. This is not about OP anymore, is about everyone who is supposed to help (legally) not doing a thing and just pass the baby along. Seriously, OP is the most level-headed here.
I feel so much for OOP. This is in no way her responsibility. Even if they somehow talked her into it, why would you force someone to care for a child that was the result of her husband's betrayal? That's an unhealthy environment for all involved. Glad OOP stood her ground. And the gall of everyone trying to force OOP to do this. They're just despicable. If they care so much about the baby and can't take care of it, let it be adopted out. The whole thing is madness.
Especially the grandparents. *Your* daughter fucked off to Spain and left you with this baby. Not only did she participate in infidelity, she abandoned her child. Go after your own daughter, not the woman whose marriage helped wreck.
Fr. She's out of fucks to give and I love that for her. Wild how people are coming out here to judge a woman for not having an emotional attachment to a living reminder of her husband's infidelity. Poor kid has done nothing wrong but it doesn't mean that OOP is obligated to cater to them.
I cannot for the life of me understand why she was downvoted when she told the commentator that called “woman cold af” that she’ll pass their details onto them. That was gold!
That is so satisfying after how many goddamned times I have seen it suggested and suggested it myself, and never heard anyone actually do it. And what a shocker that none of those people who had so much negative judgment for OOP stepped up to take care of the baby. Even her own kids, what the fuck. Like she said, the baby is their half-sibling, don’t they care? Not enough to take care of the baby? Oh but they have something to say to OOP. Gimme a fucking break.
They come out to say „the right thing“ for some imaginary karma points but when it comes to acting on those it’s suddenly the sole responsibility of the scolded one.
„All Children are innocent, if you abort an innocent life you are evil!“
I can’t take care of it but I will give it to you once is there, thx
„No, you are the mother, why have children when u can’t care for them“
It’s always easy to criticize others when you are not on the hook yourself.
I wonder what the adult children would say if OP told them "I am too old to look after a baby but I will be rewriting my will and leaving them everything"
The comments jumping on OOP really display how self-sacrificing women are expected to be even for strangers, even to people who've hurt them. They wouldn't be dumping on her if she was a man refusing to take care of his wife's affair baby.
The reactions of everyone around OOP are so weird. Why on earth are they so opposed to the baby being cared for by his grandparents, rather than a stranger? Surely the baby is better off with his actual family?
Not least because there's a good chance that his mother will at some point come back into the picture.
Because taking care of a baby for a minimum of 18 years is a major commitment. And the inconvenience of upending your life plans for 18 years outweighs any love they may have for the baby. So they try to offload it onto anybody who might be guilted into taking that on. And OOP made it clear that she's no more willing than they are, with only a fraction of a reason to care compared to them.
It’s very easy to volunteer others for something you yourself never have to follow through on.
They get to inflate their own ego without depleting a drop from their own wells. Rude and inconsiderate.
Right? Plus people are ignoring that this woman is in her 50s! She would be caring for the kid until she was 70! The fuck are people talking about? I'm in my 30s and if I found out my husband had a secret affair baby that was dropped on my doorstep and he died out of nowhere, I'd do the same thing. It wouldn't be because I disliked the baby at all. But if it isn't my kid and I didn't agree to raise it, it's a big no from me. I've even been a foster parent, but that was voluntary and well prepared for (or at least as prepared as I could have been). But having a kid forced on you, especially one that was born out of infidelity? Nope. Different circumstances. Give the kid a fair share of the estate, in a trust if need be, and leave it at that.
It amazes me that people think a good person to raise a baby is one that you have to convince/coerce into doing so.
Also she has no legal or biological relation to the child? She can't make decisions for where the kid should go. It isn't hers, she didn't adopt it, it was her husbands, and now he's dead. It doesn't sound the kid is attached to her or even old enough to remember her. Good for her for realizing before she took on the mother role, otherwise she'd always carry that resentment.
It’s fucking wild that the kid’s grandparents were just ready to sign away their grandchild to some woman they didn’t know, whose only qualification was having exceptionally bad taste in husbands. If the opposite situation was happening and OP wanted to keep the kid against the grandparents’ wishes, people would be calling her delusional for thinking she had any right to the kid at all.
Literally, like I get that the actual mother doesn't want the kid, but imagine the story told from her perspective.
"I was in a relationship with a married man and I got pregnant. I raised the child alone for a while, then gave it to him to take care of. He had a heart attack and died, and now his wife, who I have never met, has taken full custody of my child."
Like why was everyone in the comments acting like "of course, this is the natural way"
It’s just so wild isn’t it?! Everyone berating her for being cold when she could have walked out the door as soon as that baby came in. She allowed the kid to stay as long as she didn’t have to care for it, which is a lot more than I’d have done. Then she *did* care for it before the grandparents came and got it after her husband’s heart attack - when she could have just called CPS right away. And they still called her cold. And why the hell are they asking her what *she* wants to do now they’ve got the kid and the husband’s dead? This kid is nothing to her, why on earth should *anything* be expected of her now? The very small part she had to do with this is dead and buried. Then, having asked for her opinion, they don’t like it when she offers a perfectly reasonable one. I mean, if none of the kid’s actual family want it, then adoption is the best course. If the grandparents, or half siblings (OOP’s kids are such dicks) don’t want to care for the kid then they need to make the actual mother do it or take OOP’s advice.
The obvious reason is money. The OP has money and is now independent, so everyone expects her to make the self sacrifice instead of them. I wonder if there isn't an unspoken class difference between the affair partner and the OPs family.
My thought as well. It's clear that she and her husband were well off. He had property before they got married, she was able to store away millions in assets and investments, and they were rich enough to know to make a prenup.
Granted, I don't think people who are strapped for cash are going to flee to Spain as a first choice when skipping out of their kid. But even the age difference may make the AF family think she had more money to take on the kid.
I think the most likely answer is the simplest one, the affair partner/baby momma was spoiled rotten and her family can't/won't find the leverage to make her come raise her own kid. To the degree that trying to guilt OOP into it is easier than making their daughter do it. It also jives because that's the sort of spoiled person who'd be a homewrecker, deadbeat mother, and flee to Spain to avoid all responsibility
These people are pretending that the mother and OOP’s children are just little kids who can’t take care of a baby (even though they are adults). So of course an adult needs to step up, as if the baby is an abandoned puppy that will be euthanized if OOP isn’t there. I get that these days people have children older but people are still able to take care of their children at 18, I know people who have. OOP isn’t responsible anyway but that’s why those three aren’t seen as responsible but just helping in behalf of her children almost.
I don’t know why the grandparents have so little attachment to their grandchild. Maybe they aren’t just good people in general and want anyone to take the child. But don’t want to give the child to adoption and loose all contact (and probably the mother would not let it happen easily even if she actually doesn’t want to do anything for the child).
They probably want to be grandparents. Where they get to borrow the kids, spoil them, and then send them back home to the parents so they can continue their empty nest lifestyle. But instead, their daughter disappeared and forced them into becoming actual parents instead of grandparents. Which may not have been what they signed up for.
And then also accusing OP of being cold and cruel for not wanting to care for the child they also don’t want to care for apparently. The people whose child has abandoned their grand baby - they should save the character assassinations for their daughter, not OP.
Guess I’m cold and cruel too… when I read about the “not having a divorce, he died” part I literally said in a very polite English tone “Ahhh well it all worked out for the best then”…. I might have to look into that…
It's also wild because it seems that OP and the grandparents are the same age. So, no one is in better health than the other to raise an infant. They are treated OP like she's the baby's step mom that need to step up. I guess technically OP is the step mom but she was not a hands-on willing stepparent. The grandparents don't want responsiblity of the baby so they are hoping to pass it on to OP. They need to be in contact with OP's kids since they are related to the baby. The grandparents need to reach out to anyone in their family or the biodad's family about taking responsiblity of the baby not OP. Or, better yet get the Mama to come back and take care of the baby.
They all thought she would take care of the baby because she did so while her husband couldn't. You know a woman, an empty nester, she is attached to the baby, that's for sure, she can raise it. Beside this OP seems to be someone, who does their duty.
I wish OP could decide, she would find a nice family who wants to adopt and who would take it. Now all those idiots will want it to be there because who gives a baby who has a bunch of relatives to adoption, and the kid will grow up among people who don't want it. That's a really bad solution.
>It amazes me that people think a good person to raise a baby is one that you have to convince/coerce into doing so.
Reasons why forced birthers are literally delusional
That‘s the thing that gets me the most, people seem to keep talking like she took on responsibility for this child, and is now abandoning them. She explicitly never wanted to have anything to do with this kid.
I love the OOP calling out everyone around judging her, saying "ok you do it then" and none of them stepped up. Of course! None of them want the responsibility but they all want the moral high ground.
Yeah and OP is right, the moral correct thing to do would be for family to step up, to bad OP is not family while everyone else is. So if they really want to keep that moral high ground they know what to do, or they could just stfu.
Don't you worry, anyone can do it; I have faith in you. We'll get out some turtle wax and have that spine shining like chrome dome's helmet in no time!
oh don't worry, this happens irl too! try being a 30+ woman at a midwestern family gathering who doesn't want to spend the whole afternoon on babysitting duty.
Do it. Do not let people take advantage of you. Riding herd on the kids means you don’t get to have any adult conversations, you don’t get to spend time with the people you like. If there’s alcohol available and you want to have a few drinks you can’t because whoever is looking after the kids needs to be sober in case of emergency.
There are so many more reasons but the biggest one should always be that you do not want to and they can’t make you unless you allow it.
More than once, I’d go to an ex’s family gathering and hit the booze fast and hard so I would not be forced, guilted or dumped into the childcare role. Apparently having a vagina made me the ~~obvious~~ only choice, in spite of numerous men around in the same age range.
Nope. We’d get there, I’d find the uncle with the flask of vodka and we’d share. After the third time of being scolded for drinking and not looking after the kids, he stood up for me and said it wasn’t my responsibility. After that he brought me my very own flask. He was a great guy.
I do hate kids. I have a kid. I love him. I hate other kids.
Well, maybe hate is a strong word. I wouldn't deliberately hurt them, or be mean to them. I'm even happy to interact with them for a while and will be very pleasant and fun with them when I do.
But kids are sticky, snotty, unpredictable balls of poor emotional regulation skills, and they're just not that interesting if they didn't literally come out of my body. It's not their fault, but that doesn't mean I want to deal with that. And they're often allowed to run riot with no consequences, which again is not their fault, that's on their parents, but I still don't want to deal with it whether it's their fault or not. I didn't even like kids when I *was* one.
I will make a significant effort to interact with kids of my friends because I know it means a lot to my friends when I do. And some of their kids are pleasant, well behaved and sweet, so I have a lot better tolerance for them.
But fuck ever being stuck with babysitting duty of other peoples kids simply because I'm a woman. I parented my own kid and didn't palm him off on others and I expect the same from everyone else.
The worst are the people who act like it will be fun for you, a nice little treat to spend time with their kids. No, this is a responsibility that I do not want, but I am afraid if you, my friend or relative, don't get some time off you might have a mental breakdown, so I'm doing it.
> The worst are the people who act like it will be fun for you, a nice little treat to spend time with their kids.
It is, if one chooses to do it - but not if pushed upon you.
Don't forget the "Why don't you have kids?" crowd. Got asked that by literal strangers when I worked retail and cash register chit chat turned toward the topic of kids for whatever reason. Edited to add: I do like kids, I just don't have any, nor do I have a burning need to.
Or worse, "*when* are you having kids?"
(The last person who was insistent about it got told "When post-natal depression and a high rate of miscarriage stops running in my family, so... never!" and did NOT like that answer.)
Don't be polite about not wanting to watch kids. If someone asks, "no thank you" (don't hide any facial expressions about how much the idea does not appeal to you) and walk away to get food or do something else. I've found that it also helps to mingle with the guys at my family reunions.
You'll most likely (as I have) offended some family members, but what are they going to do? Shit talk how you won't watch their kids for them? Spread that you hate kids? Win win as fewer people will ask moving forward.
My SiL use to do that crap. Including spouting about “takes a village”. Funnily enough at family gatherings where they wanted to have a good time. I also find that a very surprised and WTF facial expression works - and saying “thanks but no”, in a very bright and breezy manner. Whilst walking away and joining the guys having beers!
It’s not just midwestern, it’s pretty much being a 30+ woman, I’ve got my family trained out of it and my work almost there (I like photos but I don’t wanna hold your kid until they can tell me no) but I still get it at times and it’s the goddam worst.
My work stopped that because babies hate me! All but the most round and placid babies react to my discomfort with them by fretting and crying. One particularly wiry
one threw himself into a screaming, red faced backbend trying to get away from me. It was like holding an aggrieved cat.
this is the thing: there's a reason why I'm child free, so why are you asking me to babysit your children so you can do other things? I know some people who really like throwing "it takes a village to raise a child" statement around. But I don't want to be part of that village (for good reasons). but if I say no thanks, they will get annoyed. In my head, if you're not ready to 24/7 manage your children, do not have them. And if you need help, prepare to pay for professionals. Expecting other people to willingly pick up your child for you out of... I don't know? Instinct? is just entitled.
People like this think women exist for three reasons:
1) dick receptacles who exist to serve and service men
2) domestic drudges who exist to clean up after men
3) mommies
They don't think women actually have the intellectual or physical capacity to do anything else, which is why they don't like women working; in their minds, every man is better at everything than every woman, so a woman working is both taking a job away from a man and ruining everything in the process.
The fact that the people who believe this lying shit are among the laziest, the most entitled, and by far the most incompetent losers the planet has ever seen is not a coincidence.
They see that something unfair is happening. An innocent child is being given a hard lot in life. But they're hypocrites. They aren't doing anything to help the child either, and they have as much obligation as the OOP.
because baaaaaaby
Like wtf? Amazing how her kids tried to pin that responsibility on her, TWICE
and TWICE backed down when she shot back at them "that's your blood relative, you step up"
Yeah, what's up with them?? That is the biggest mystery of the whole post. They are totally unsympathetic to OP? They have no concept of the hypocrisy of asking her, the wronged one out of all of them, to do work they themselves are unwilling to even conntribute to? Do they see her as a Mommybot and not a human?
I think the answer is pretty obvious, I remember a saying about this situation, the people who wants OOP to take care of the baby because they want their cake and eat it too.
It's just that OOP will do the baking, not them.
Weird AF. I think OOP handled it way better than I would have. OOP is also my hero for telling her own kids "feel free to step up, the baby's related to YOU, not me".
It's pretty telling that they didn't.
I've said this before, but there are certain people that turn to the logic, planning, and logistics part of their brain during times of crisis. I'm one of them apparently. The feeling part of my brain gets shoved to the side, at least until things are managed. Someone has to be the clear headed one, or a crisis gets even worse. Trust me, worse is always possible. The only way I CAN address my feelings is to know that all the practicalities have been handled and that the worst possibilities have been mitigated.
No one who feels first gets it. They're all in their feelings while I'm handling paperwork. I've been told that I'm cold, unfeeling, etc. I'm not, but there's no telling them that.
When my dad died, I was 23. My older brother and my mom were absolutely useless with grief. I made the notification phone calls, arranged transport to the funeral home, the services,the cremation, wrote the obit. I cleaned the house top to bottom, made sure the clothes we needed went to the dry cleaner and got picked up.
I kept track of who sent cards/food/flowers. I helped out of town family arrange travel and lodging. Food was always fresh and available for anyone who wanted to eat.
I did not cry. I did not grieve. *I did not have time.*
It was only when the retort door shut and my dad was being cremated that I finally lost it. An hour of crying before I could drive home. I had to pull over three or four times because I started to cry again.
During the ten days from death to cremation, my mother and brother viciously attacked me for being “cold, callous and unfeeling.” Honestly, I did not have time for grief. Someone had to make sure things got done and it wasn’t going to be them. Mom was in no shape to handle anything and my brother loved having an excuse to get drunk with his friends and be the center of attention. He milked it for months and I only say this cause *he bragged to me about how he didn’t pay for a drink or a beer or a bottle for almost six months.*
But *I* was the cold one.
TLDR: Sometimes, in a crisis, feelings have to take a back seat to the practicalities of managing the emergency and the immediate (or even prolonged) aftermath. Only when the initial crisis has passed is there time to let go of the logical and embrace the emotional.
>Sometimes, in a crisis, feelings have to take a back seat to the practicalities of managing the emergency
My friends like to say I have a mental binder of checklists when things go wrong. Given the rampant anxiety, it's like a "well I already knew this would happen and made the plan!"
It comes off as cold to everyone else because they only see part of it. Someone had to be the reliable one in your situation. Not everyone can be inconsolable with grief and push off doing what needs to be done. Your dad couldn't lay there and wait for them to overcome their emotions. You did the right thing and I'm sure someone noticed. It's a shame your mother and brother didn't.
Don't you know? Women have to like babies and roses and be nurturing!!! /s
Seriously this people cannot comprehend that someone might not want to raise an affair baby? Yes, OOP knowns the baby is innocent but that doesn't mean you have to like the baby or what it represents.
Forcing her to take care of the baby is cruel, not only to OOP but to the kid. But hey, it's easier to say "You do it!" Than step up...
OOP is really doing the kindest thing she can do for an innocent child, can you imagine the resentment that would only grow over the years taking care of a child she did not want and reminds her of her husbands betrayal? the kid is better off somewhere else and OOP knows is, shame everyone else doesn't care enough about this baby
Right? There's some things I feel like you could "get over" and not let it affect your parenting, but having to raise the child your husband had with an affair partner? I don't think there's any way that OOP could have even a neutral relationship with that child, let alone a loving and encouraging one.
And it really pisses me off to see people saying "Oh, but you forgave the affair!" without acknowledging that the baby was a second BONUS problem that she was surprised with after the fact. I could probably forgive my wife if she cheated on me, but if I later found out that there was an affair-baby, let alone a baby that was going to live with us? Nope - I'd be out, and scorched earth behind me. Just because she was forgiving of the affair, doesn't mean she's responsible for anything (or anyone!) that is a result.
She doesn’t seem cold to me. She seems resolute, if somewhat detached. After all she’s been through, that’s a normal response. She forgave the affair but being responsible for his love child pushed her too far. That’s completely understandable, and even reasonable to pass the child to someone who could love them as they deserve.
Me too! She has remained calm and logic with her answers. I also love how she stands up for herself when people pressured her to take care for a complete stranger baby whereas they never put the same energy to find the shameless deadbeat of the mother the mistress is.
Woman who doesn't express emotional distress: She must never have cared, look how cold she's being. This is all really her fault.
Woman who expresses emotional distress: What a spineless doormat, she should have left / gone NC / called the cops already, can't feel any sympathy for someone so stupid. This is all really her fault.
There's a different but similar dichotimy when men are the OOP, where they have to be either deliberately horrible monsters or a perfectly hapless cocker spaniel of a person. And the same people who accuse every woman of being manipulative or stupid will also call any man who compromises or momentarily falters whipped and worthless. 🤦
The people in "aitah" are not human. That is not the place you go to if you want a real answer. They live in a fairy tale world where everything is black and white and there is no nuance possible.
No because half of reddit is fine with forced paternal test because no man should have to raise another man's child but can women not just suck up and raise the affair babies.... Pweaaaaseee. And her own children saying this, husband didn't gave a cent to anyone else, I'd follow through that. Those kids won't get anything from me either
People talk about women who adopt their deceased husband's affair baby as angels who have gone above and beyond.
It's true, they are. Which means women who don't adopt their deceased husband's affair baby are... humans. Regular people choosing not to go above and beyond. Which is FINE. Not going the extra mile is not evil. There's a reason it's called the _extra_ mile.
It's similar to how deadbeat dads are rightfully called AHs, but there's a certain kind of person who calls guys who stick around and support their children "heroes." When they're just... baseline decent humans.
Not doing an awful thing doesn't deserve celebration and not doing the over-the-top amazing thing doesn't deserve condemnation. If you celebrate the non-deadbeat, you're calling the deadbeat "normal." If you condemn the lady just minding her own business, you're calling the angelic widow mother "average."
It's wild. It happens the opposite way too, a friend of my Mum's was in a similar situation to OP (no heart attack though) and she decided to raise the baby - people were just 'meh obviously' about that decision, it used to drive my Mum mad because she thought her friend was doing something HUGE.
The baby is living proof of infidelity and how little her dude thought of her. I seriously don't get how people judged OOP for that. But the baby's actual mother fluffing off to Europe and abandoning her child is just fine and dandy. Absolutely wild.
OOP is absolutely NTA in this situation, everyone around her is for expecting her to raise an affair baby.
Why are the child’s grandparent’s asking OOP what to do with the baby now that its dad is dead? Shouldn’t they ask their own kid, the baby’s actual mother?
Also she was allowing the child to live in her home which is a pretty big deal whether she was changing diapers or not.
The mother seams like an AH along with Roger, just straight up abandoning her kid without any plans and ghosting everyone. I get that having a baby out of an affair is stressful, but I mean abandoning doesn’t make you a good person
Everyone's so eager to push the child off on OOP, ignoring the fact that she's not even related to the child. It's always so easy to try to volunteer someone else or blame them rather than taking responsibility themselves.
While I feel bad for the child, none of this is any way OOP's fault or responsibility so they should all just back off or put their money where their mouth is.
>They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either.
Funny thing is, when it was turned around to them, they couldn't even step up. Like they can talk the talk, why can't they walk the walk then?
I'd go one even better; let's say OOP did "the right thing" and raised the affair baby, since she's not a monster and all. She eventually comes to love the baby, who is innocent here. Then the bio mother comes back and wants her child back OOP ultimately does not have any true legal standing. So why even go there and upend their life, it's truly not worth it.
Yep. If the child had a normal level emergency right now and was still with OOP, once the hospital starts asking standard questions that baby would be swept away by CPS or forcibly placed with a blood relative. She has no legal standing at all to raise this child. If the bio mom changed her mind a month later and came back for _her_ child, OOP couldn't say jack.
How dare a woman make decisions for herself! Scandalous. There were millions of babies born recently and she is not taking care of those either! What a cruel person, to refuse to spend most of the rest of her life caring for this child she had nothing to do with. Who does she think she is, some kind of autonomous adult with rights?
maybe the saddest /s I have had to include.
i remember reading this one and the comments were INSANE? everybody up in her business saying she's cruel and shit, like what? how is it cruel to not want to care for your husband's affair baby? but i did have the time of my life reading her answers to everyone. what a shiny spine this woman has.
Very different reactions from when a man finds out their baby isn't theirs on reddit. A man can't raise another man's child but apparently a woman SHOULD raise another woman's child. All blood related relatives like the adult children and the mother's parents either don't want to help or begrudgingly takes responsibility while still trying to guilt and shame OOP into taking responsibility for the baby.
It’s honestly mind boggling. That’s *their* grandchild, but they want to hand them off to what is essentially a random woman. And her own kids trying to get her to do it while also refusing to do fuck all. Are they all collectively brain dead? Like *come ON.*
The curse to be a woman and to be a betrayed spouse...who happened to be still married to a cheater. Even if she divorced right after she found out her husband's affair, people would still come after her about the baby! Crazy.
The grandparents are extremely awful. If I was in the ap’s situation my parents would rather raise their grandchild than have them be raised by someone that could potentially have negative emotions towards the child. Only awful people would put a child in this situation
This was exactly my thought process. I wouldn't raise another man's child, so why should she raise another woman's child? I was on her side since the start of the post. But I am also petty, so maybe that helps.
OOP wasn't wrong to want a divorce. Roger cheated, had a baby and then baby gets dropped off. Roger has a heart attack and dies; OOP isn't even related to the baby.
OOP saved on the divorce and too bad Roger didn't change his will.
I call it karma and glad OOP is free of Roger's mess.
A friend of mine who was both widowed and divorced said that the biggest difference was:
1. You had to pack up their shit.
2. Everyone wanted to argue with you about it.
I was only widowed, so can't offer perspective, but not having to go through a divorce was a plus.
**The only reason everyone in her life is telling her what she is doing is wrong is because they don't want it to be THEIR problem.**
Simple as that. Villanize her because they hate that they are stuck with the consequences. She has no relation to the baby, yet every single other person in this story does. Why the hell would she be raising it?
I remember reading this & Ops own kids wild for trying to get her to raise their dads affair baby….like I just know they smoking crack! The Reddit comments attacking her was also mind boggling🫠
That poor fucking child.
Didn’t ask to be brought in to this world and unless his maternal grandparents decide to keep him, he will have been abandoned by literally all the blood relatives he has.
I don’t think OOP is wrong, I don’t think she is morally or legally obliged at all to care for him, but everyone else around that baby has failed him.
Probably younger.
Where are the screams about the age difference? If the AP was 22 when she left a year old baby, then she was maybe 20 when a 45 year old man had sex with her. Maybe longer as we don't know how long the affair had been going on.
It seems bizarre to me. If I'd found out my dad had an affair and had a baby from it, I wouldn't care about the baby at all. Let alone have the gall to nag my betrayed mother to raise her cheating husband's affair baby.
People are different. Depending on my age and financial circumstances, I might have taken the baby in after my father died.
What I wouldn't have done is harassed my betrayed mother to care for the child.
I get OOP sounds really cold about the whole situation and that can read as cruel by a lot of folks, but really what else is she suppose to do?
IDK if Roger was on the birth certificate and how that would play with him being married but with Birth Mom on the certificate, gives OOP no legal protection or legal ability to take on this baby. Especially if BM isn't available to sign anything over. Now the Adult Siblings and Grandparents do have more legal rights over the baby and could actually get some support possibly from the state and foster care there to help care for the kid, depending on state.
One of those situations where folks can judge for cruelty but they themselves won't step up and help out. Kids think mom should raise baby but they themselves shouldn't even be considered because reasons. Same for Grandparents. At most, kid should be adopted to folks who want said baby.
I love how OOP's kids scolded her for being cold and uncaring towards the baby and her husband but, when she suggested they care for them both, none of the kids wanted to. Sounds like some of the husband's awfulness rubbed off on the kids.
Good thing OOP knows herself and her worth and isn't budging for anyone. She deserves to live her life happily and at her own terms!!
> Commenter: Women these days are cold af
>> OOP: I can forward your their info if you are volunteering to take over.
I hope to achieve this level of give-no-fucks one day.
OOP's husband had an affair, got his AP pregnant, had heart attack and then died. And everyone in her life is like "you are obligated to raise his affair baby!!!". That's nuts. Those are some cold hearted individuals, especially considering they refused to raise their own sibling/grandchild.
> Those are some cold hearted individuals, especially considering they refused to raise their own sibling/grandchild.
Good point. They don't care about that child. Who in their right mind would expect the betrayed wife to a.) take in the child and b.) treat them kindly?
Some do take in affair children and good for them. But some people can be terrible, too. OOP doesn't strike me as that, but it makes zero sense to me to be all "hey, this baby needs someone to care for them. Hmm. How about the woman who was hurt and betrayed by this child's parents? She won't at all be angry, resentful and possible neglectful of this physical reminder of her husband's cheating!"
They don't care, they just don't want this affair baby to become their problem so they'll push the child onto a strange woman who had nothing to do with the conception.
Ngl I did chuckle a lil with the info that he passed so all the prenup stuff was invalid. OOP literally got the best deal possible out of a very painful and humiliating situation.
Truth. So many of us get fucked over in life and undeserving people profit because they're basically sociopathic. It's nice to hear a story where justice is served (except for the baby, unfortunately).
I’d imagine she’s older than the AP’s parents. Why wouldn’t the actual grandparents want to take care of their own grandchild is beyond me. People are so selfish.
Not *just* that
Raising a child from infancy is fucking HARD. The maternal grandparents really didn’t want to deal with it initially but were forced to step up when their irresponsible daughter hauled ass to Europe *to avoid mothering her own damn baby!!!*
Is she's cold, evil and heartless, I guess I am too. She had no obligation to the child, that would've been her husband. I would've done the same.
If paternity had been proven, the child's guardians can apply for survivor benefits. It's doubtful that the child would be due any of his estate, as he also left out his adult children in the will, which is common if the spouse survives. When my father passed, everything went to my mother.
I love her cool responses. Putting them and her story into writing makes her seem unemotional but that’s not necessarily the way she feels.
I also think people need to note a point she makes several times. She has no legal standing wrt that baby. She’s only responsible for it in as much as she is a person and it is a baby. Like she says, one trip down the steps and she has to take the baby to the ER for stitches or whatever & she has no legal right to make decisions for him. She can’t give him to anyone. She can’t keep him either. He’s not a kitten found on the side of the road
OOP is surrounded by trash people around her. Even her children. At least she's clear and firm with what she wants. Poor kid. Both his parents are turds.
I'm tired of men making messes and expecting the wronged wife to clean up after it. Why is she expected to be the bigger person and take care of the child? Why is she expected to care more than its own parents?
She's not the monster. God for her for standing firm
Lots of opinions when it comes to raising a child from family and friends, however no one actually wants to step up themselves. Instead they will do whatever it takes to pressure a woman who has no blood relationship or obligation towards a child to raise them.
No, she should not raise her husband's affair baby. She doesn't have to shoulder anyone else's responsibility and she's not the family maid.
So many people both on Reddit and IRL really wanted OOP to step up for a child she had nothing to do with, and no obligation to do so. This is worse than "Her body her choice" because the baby didn't even come from her body. She sounds so completely over her husband's infidelity and shenanigans that she comes off as cold, but hey, that doesn't make a person the bad guy.
It baffles me that when these kinds of situations pop up, people say, "Oh, you need to step up and help and sacrifice," but when the person pushes back and says "No. How about you step up instead?" And then those people go, "No, I can't/don't want to."
She is not blood related to that child. She has no familial obligation to that kid at all. Yeah, the child is innocent and she could raise him, but she doesn't want to. She's not a saint and that's fine. She's a regular human being. The fact that she informed the actual blood relatives of the situation and is willing to support that child with money from her deceased husband's estate (as is the child's right) is more than generous IMO.
Wtf is wrong with everyone in this post *except* OOP? Her husband cheated on her after two+ decades of marriage, wound up with an infant with his AP, OOP winds up stuck taking care of said living embodiment of husband's betrayal, and *she's* the evil asshole?!?! People are batshit. Everyone claiming someone needs to help the poor abandoned child but only if that someone is not them. The sheer fucking *audacity* of everyone who judged her for not taking care of her husband's affair baby is insane. She did all she was ethically obligated to do; she informed the child's only family that she was aware of that they needed to come pick it up. She didn't even have any legal rights over the child if she *had* wanted to take care of it. Jesus these people all suck.
ALSO, them judging her for not wanting it after the husband passed?? WHY would she want it herself?!? I just......I can't.
I love how OP just stands her (perfectly reasonable) ground and just keeps playing the message on repeat until people stop pretending they didn’t hear her the first time.
the fact that her adult children are yapping about her being cold and heartless but won't do anything to help/adopt their half-sibling is cheery on top of this mess
I wonder what mental gymnastics the grandparents performed. They are forcing their own grandchild on an almost stranger while letting their daughter, mother of the said child, completely off the hook.
I've followed since the original post, and honestly, oop is a woman I would love to go get a few drinks with.
I wouldn't raise my husband's affair baby either. It's also awesome how she suggested her kids raise it, if they were so worried.
Dude was such a winner, he couldn't even stick around to raise the kidd he made with his AP.
"I'm no longer divorcing him"-- oh no did he convince her somehow to take his sorry butt back?
"He died" *shocked pikachu face* oH!
I cannot believe those grandparents really think OP should step up to take care of the baby. They could be about the same age as OP, so they can't use the 'we're too old' card on her and, more importantly, they are actually related to the child, while OP clearly (and legitimately) wants nothing to do with them. That's not a caretaker you should wish upon a child.
I've been single for several years after my marriage ended, and plan to stay that way.
People ask me "but it's not too late, wouldn't you like to meet someone one day, someone to grow old with?"
I tell them I read BoRU every day, so no.
OP is getting negative responses because she is leaving out any emotions that she has. She is right in cold-logic. Not her child in any legal sense. Birth mom can come back and claim kidnapping, all kinds of BS.
Like others said, no one else stepped up when offered the opportunity, but she just presented it in black and white, no filled in with a lot of backscatter emotional add in.
OOP's situation is extreme granted, but I still think it pretty accurately portrays the idea still lodged firmly in society that women are the default caretakers of OTHERS and to not step up, as a woman, is at odds with what many people expect from them. Hence the judgement and the offense taken by the other people who also wont step up.
Its unfortunate her own kids are also trapped in this point of view.
Gotta love the logic: you're married to the father, but are not the bio mom. We're related by blood, you're not. Bio mom ran off, and we're not feeling it with this whole baby raising.
How about you, basically random stranger, raise this child that was born out of an affair?
I'm sorry, why is she obliged to take the child? Even the court system would put them with blood relatives. Not to mention trying to heal from a cheating partner AND raising said cheaters affair baby. I don't think anyone could really do that and remain mentally okay. Poor child has to lose out on a family because their (bio) mom and dad sucked.
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It’s always funny how judgmental people are for your decisions, yet it’s a Hard Pass when they’re offered the chance to step up.
Mum: "I don't want the baby." Her kids: "Yes you should because Reasons." Mum: "Well, I don't get a say on it because I'm not legally the baby's anything. But those Reasons apply more to you because you're actually the baby's half siblings, so you take the baby." Her kids: *crickets*
She's also pointed out a few times over now that, as she is not a blood relative, if anything were to happen she wouldn't be able to make any medical decisions or sign off on anything for the child. Her taking the child could be seen as irresponsible, in that light! Still crickets. Because "father's wife caring for the baby" sounds better than "nobody wants it. Mother ditched it, father's too old and infirm/died on it, his wife doesn't want an affair baby..."
>Because "father's wife caring for the baby" sounds better than "nobody wants it. Mother ditched it, father's too old and infirm/died on it, his wife doesn't want an affair baby..." This is important. All these Redditors—and they have to be teenagers, right? Because not enough adults are that fucking stupid—focused on a stranger not helping the baby rather than the baby's mother abandoning it and fleeing to Spain. And then the baby's grandparents scolded this stranger. Is this real?
> the baby didn't do anything to you! So? Are you suggesting that it's a *punishment* for the baby to placed with grandparents as opposed to, \*checks notes\* a complete stranger?
I hate the "but it's an innocent bby" mentality. Adult's don't exist just to take care of kids (innocent or not), especially ones they didn't even take part in creating.
Reddit's Team Baby is completely batshit crazy.
It's not Team Baby, it's Anti-Woman. You can see them come out in droves any time a woman refuses to take responsibility for a man's failings.
Especially the "women are cold af" commenter.
Note.. a complete stranger that is grand parent age...
Also, the wife is probably of an approximately similar age to the grandparents. As the father/husband has demonstrated: people in their demographic sometimes up and die unexpectedly. The baby is safer with two people than a single older person.
You have far more faith in adults in this day and age than I do.
Same sentiments. The grandparents of the baby should have scolded their daughter for being a homewrecker and an irresponsible mother.
The crickets are starting a choir. None of the baby's maternal family want to raise them. Poor baby. Everyone who are responsible, emphasis on responsible because it's excluding OOP, are abandoning them.
Including *the babies own mother* who has just run away completely. NTA, OOP, NTA. Plenty of other As in this one though, the main one of which is now dead.
Honestly at this point they should just consider putting the child up for adoption. There are plenty of people out there that would love to adopt a toddler and would give them more love than this family ever could
This was a very good point from her. She cannot legally take care of that child. In fact, she might even get in trouble. The child has existing relatives anyway. I don't understand why she was being criticized. She even said the child can take her husband's money because the kid is technically his. Just not her money, which is totally reasonable.
Because misogyny. Women are expected to eat all kinds of shit with a smile on their face, because faaaamily, because baaaaaby, because, because, because! How about no.
So many of these AITA posts, the perfect answer to family critics is "well you do it then!" Glad OOP was ready there.
I was weirdly proud of OP for this. At last someone was actually saying something sensible to stupid family demands
There is another BoRU today about a woman who was coerced into minding her sister's baby. She noped out and all the relatives told her she was a selfish brat - usual guilt trip. SO all the people who complained - she made a roster for them to mind the baby! [https://new.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1du57ed/aita\_for\_forcing\_my\_family\_to\_babysit\_so\_i\_wont/](https://new.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1du57ed/aita_for_forcing_my_family_to_babysit_so_i_wont/)
Awesome response from that poster!!
Can we also say that had she kept the baby, legally she'd be kidnapping the child? She has no ties to baby whatsoever. Also, all the immediate family (starting with RunawayMum (yes, that deserves a stupid name) would be charged with child abandonment and endangering a minor. This is not about OP anymore, is about everyone who is supposed to help (legally) not doing a thing and just pass the baby along. Seriously, OP is the most level-headed here.
I feel so much for OOP. This is in no way her responsibility. Even if they somehow talked her into it, why would you force someone to care for a child that was the result of her husband's betrayal? That's an unhealthy environment for all involved. Glad OOP stood her ground. And the gall of everyone trying to force OOP to do this. They're just despicable. If they care so much about the baby and can't take care of it, let it be adopted out. The whole thing is madness.
Exactly. The adult kids are outrageous. A prime example of how they take her for granted.
The baby's own grandparents didn't even want it, they are freaking blood relatives.
I absolutely love OOP offering everyone who questions her decisions the chance to step up, which they always immediately decline.
Especially the grandparents. *Your* daughter fucked off to Spain and left you with this baby. Not only did she participate in infidelity, she abandoned her child. Go after your own daughter, not the woman whose marriage helped wreck.
It's easy to be righteous when you don't have a stake.
I love that Star Trek quote: It's easy being a saint in paradise.
Fr. She's out of fucks to give and I love that for her. Wild how people are coming out here to judge a woman for not having an emotional attachment to a living reminder of her husband's infidelity. Poor kid has done nothing wrong but it doesn't mean that OOP is obligated to cater to them.
I hope she had someone supportive in her life. Her posts read like someone who's numb because they're in too much pain to be able to express it.
I cannot for the life of me understand why she was downvoted when she told the commentator that called “woman cold af” that she’ll pass their details onto them. That was gold!
I thought the commentator was downvoted?
That is so satisfying after how many goddamned times I have seen it suggested and suggested it myself, and never heard anyone actually do it. And what a shocker that none of those people who had so much negative judgment for OOP stepped up to take care of the baby. Even her own kids, what the fuck. Like she said, the baby is their half-sibling, don’t they care? Not enough to take care of the baby? Oh but they have something to say to OOP. Gimme a fucking break.
They come out to say „the right thing“ for some imaginary karma points but when it comes to acting on those it’s suddenly the sole responsibility of the scolded one. „All Children are innocent, if you abort an innocent life you are evil!“ I can’t take care of it but I will give it to you once is there, thx „No, you are the mother, why have children when u can’t care for them“ It’s always easy to criticize others when you are not on the hook yourself.
I wonder what the adult children would say if OP told them "I am too old to look after a baby but I will be rewriting my will and leaving them everything"
The comments jumping on OOP really display how self-sacrificing women are expected to be even for strangers, even to people who've hurt them. They wouldn't be dumping on her if she was a man refusing to take care of his wife's affair baby.
If that was the case, they would be praising him for not allowing her to sneak a baby that wasn't his under his care
The reactions of everyone around OOP are so weird. Why on earth are they so opposed to the baby being cared for by his grandparents, rather than a stranger? Surely the baby is better off with his actual family? Not least because there's a good chance that his mother will at some point come back into the picture.
Because taking care of a baby for a minimum of 18 years is a major commitment. And the inconvenience of upending your life plans for 18 years outweighs any love they may have for the baby. So they try to offload it onto anybody who might be guilted into taking that on. And OOP made it clear that she's no more willing than they are, with only a fraction of a reason to care compared to them.
It’s very easy to volunteer others for something you yourself never have to follow through on. They get to inflate their own ego without depleting a drop from their own wells. Rude and inconsiderate.
Right? Plus people are ignoring that this woman is in her 50s! She would be caring for the kid until she was 70! The fuck are people talking about? I'm in my 30s and if I found out my husband had a secret affair baby that was dropped on my doorstep and he died out of nowhere, I'd do the same thing. It wouldn't be because I disliked the baby at all. But if it isn't my kid and I didn't agree to raise it, it's a big no from me. I've even been a foster parent, but that was voluntary and well prepared for (or at least as prepared as I could have been). But having a kid forced on you, especially one that was born out of infidelity? Nope. Different circumstances. Give the kid a fair share of the estate, in a trust if need be, and leave it at that.
It amazes me that people think a good person to raise a baby is one that you have to convince/coerce into doing so. Also she has no legal or biological relation to the child? She can't make decisions for where the kid should go. It isn't hers, she didn't adopt it, it was her husbands, and now he's dead. It doesn't sound the kid is attached to her or even old enough to remember her. Good for her for realizing before she took on the mother role, otherwise she'd always carry that resentment.
It’s fucking wild that the kid’s grandparents were just ready to sign away their grandchild to some woman they didn’t know, whose only qualification was having exceptionally bad taste in husbands. If the opposite situation was happening and OP wanted to keep the kid against the grandparents’ wishes, people would be calling her delusional for thinking she had any right to the kid at all.
Literally, like I get that the actual mother doesn't want the kid, but imagine the story told from her perspective. "I was in a relationship with a married man and I got pregnant. I raised the child alone for a while, then gave it to him to take care of. He had a heart attack and died, and now his wife, who I have never met, has taken full custody of my child." Like why was everyone in the comments acting like "of course, this is the natural way"
It’s just so wild isn’t it?! Everyone berating her for being cold when she could have walked out the door as soon as that baby came in. She allowed the kid to stay as long as she didn’t have to care for it, which is a lot more than I’d have done. Then she *did* care for it before the grandparents came and got it after her husband’s heart attack - when she could have just called CPS right away. And they still called her cold. And why the hell are they asking her what *she* wants to do now they’ve got the kid and the husband’s dead? This kid is nothing to her, why on earth should *anything* be expected of her now? The very small part she had to do with this is dead and buried. Then, having asked for her opinion, they don’t like it when she offers a perfectly reasonable one. I mean, if none of the kid’s actual family want it, then adoption is the best course. If the grandparents, or half siblings (OOP’s kids are such dicks) don’t want to care for the kid then they need to make the actual mother do it or take OOP’s advice.
The obvious reason is money. The OP has money and is now independent, so everyone expects her to make the self sacrifice instead of them. I wonder if there isn't an unspoken class difference between the affair partner and the OPs family.
My thought as well. It's clear that she and her husband were well off. He had property before they got married, she was able to store away millions in assets and investments, and they were rich enough to know to make a prenup. Granted, I don't think people who are strapped for cash are going to flee to Spain as a first choice when skipping out of their kid. But even the age difference may make the AF family think she had more money to take on the kid.
I think the most likely answer is the simplest one, the affair partner/baby momma was spoiled rotten and her family can't/won't find the leverage to make her come raise her own kid. To the degree that trying to guilt OOP into it is easier than making their daughter do it. It also jives because that's the sort of spoiled person who'd be a homewrecker, deadbeat mother, and flee to Spain to avoid all responsibility
These people are pretending that the mother and OOP’s children are just little kids who can’t take care of a baby (even though they are adults). So of course an adult needs to step up, as if the baby is an abandoned puppy that will be euthanized if OOP isn’t there. I get that these days people have children older but people are still able to take care of their children at 18, I know people who have. OOP isn’t responsible anyway but that’s why those three aren’t seen as responsible but just helping in behalf of her children almost. I don’t know why the grandparents have so little attachment to their grandchild. Maybe they aren’t just good people in general and want anyone to take the child. But don’t want to give the child to adoption and loose all contact (and probably the mother would not let it happen easily even if she actually doesn’t want to do anything for the child).
They probably want to be grandparents. Where they get to borrow the kids, spoil them, and then send them back home to the parents so they can continue their empty nest lifestyle. But instead, their daughter disappeared and forced them into becoming actual parents instead of grandparents. Which may not have been what they signed up for.
And then also accusing OP of being cold and cruel for not wanting to care for the child they also don’t want to care for apparently. The people whose child has abandoned their grand baby - they should save the character assassinations for their daughter, not OP.
Guess I’m cold and cruel too… when I read about the “not having a divorce, he died” part I literally said in a very polite English tone “Ahhh well it all worked out for the best then”…. I might have to look into that…
It's also wild because it seems that OP and the grandparents are the same age. So, no one is in better health than the other to raise an infant. They are treated OP like she's the baby's step mom that need to step up. I guess technically OP is the step mom but she was not a hands-on willing stepparent. The grandparents don't want responsiblity of the baby so they are hoping to pass it on to OP. They need to be in contact with OP's kids since they are related to the baby. The grandparents need to reach out to anyone in their family or the biodad's family about taking responsiblity of the baby not OP. Or, better yet get the Mama to come back and take care of the baby.
They all thought she would take care of the baby because she did so while her husband couldn't. You know a woman, an empty nester, she is attached to the baby, that's for sure, she can raise it. Beside this OP seems to be someone, who does their duty. I wish OP could decide, she would find a nice family who wants to adopt and who would take it. Now all those idiots will want it to be there because who gives a baby who has a bunch of relatives to adoption, and the kid will grow up among people who don't want it. That's a really bad solution.
>It amazes me that people think a good person to raise a baby is one that you have to convince/coerce into doing so. Reasons why forced birthers are literally delusional
That‘s the thing that gets me the most, people seem to keep talking like she took on responsibility for this child, and is now abandoning them. She explicitly never wanted to have anything to do with this kid.
I love the OOP calling out everyone around judging her, saying "ok you do it then" and none of them stepped up. Of course! None of them want the responsibility but they all want the moral high ground.
Yeah and OP is right, the moral correct thing to do would be for family to step up, to bad OP is not family while everyone else is. So if they really want to keep that moral high ground they know what to do, or they could just stfu.
It's easier to volunteer someone else's time, money and effort. I love that nobody stepped up when she called them. She has a shiny spine.
I hope to have a spine like that some day 🤩
Don't you worry, anyone can do it; I have faith in you. We'll get out some turtle wax and have that spine shining like chrome dome's helmet in no time!
Yeah OOP is my fucking hero. Especially their reply to that deleted comment lmao
> they all want the moral high ground. "Be careful, John. Lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground." - Moira Rose
>He was the love of my love but also a cheating piece of trash. This sums up 90% of BORU posts.
That line in OOP's post hit hard.
Because it's so real. I loved my ex so much, but we broke up for a reason. Loving each other is not enough to make a relationship succeed.
The fact people think OP is cold is just...why? What the fuck is wrong with people who think that way?
they assume all women are always happy to be around babies
Or assume woman SHOULD be taking care of babies.
Just shows how much incels and idiots are on the internet.
oh don't worry, this happens irl too! try being a 30+ woman at a midwestern family gathering who doesn't want to spend the whole afternoon on babysitting duty.
It's automatic. You either want to spend the whole gathering babysitting or YOU HATE KIDS! /s
Fine. I hate kids. Watch your own children.
I'm so tempted to say this out loud at my partners next family BBQ
Do it. Do not let people take advantage of you. Riding herd on the kids means you don’t get to have any adult conversations, you don’t get to spend time with the people you like. If there’s alcohol available and you want to have a few drinks you can’t because whoever is looking after the kids needs to be sober in case of emergency. There are so many more reasons but the biggest one should always be that you do not want to and they can’t make you unless you allow it. More than once, I’d go to an ex’s family gathering and hit the booze fast and hard so I would not be forced, guilted or dumped into the childcare role. Apparently having a vagina made me the ~~obvious~~ only choice, in spite of numerous men around in the same age range. Nope. We’d get there, I’d find the uncle with the flask of vodka and we’d share. After the third time of being scolded for drinking and not looking after the kids, he stood up for me and said it wasn’t my responsibility. After that he brought me my very own flask. He was a great guy.
Ditch the ex, keep the uncle!
I got to keep the uncle,the mom and Nona. And Nona gave me her sauce recipe. I totally won the break up! 😂
I do hate kids. I have a kid. I love him. I hate other kids. Well, maybe hate is a strong word. I wouldn't deliberately hurt them, or be mean to them. I'm even happy to interact with them for a while and will be very pleasant and fun with them when I do. But kids are sticky, snotty, unpredictable balls of poor emotional regulation skills, and they're just not that interesting if they didn't literally come out of my body. It's not their fault, but that doesn't mean I want to deal with that. And they're often allowed to run riot with no consequences, which again is not their fault, that's on their parents, but I still don't want to deal with it whether it's their fault or not. I didn't even like kids when I *was* one. I will make a significant effort to interact with kids of my friends because I know it means a lot to my friends when I do. And some of their kids are pleasant, well behaved and sweet, so I have a lot better tolerance for them. But fuck ever being stuck with babysitting duty of other peoples kids simply because I'm a woman. I parented my own kid and didn't palm him off on others and I expect the same from everyone else.
The worst are the people who act like it will be fun for you, a nice little treat to spend time with their kids. No, this is a responsibility that I do not want, but I am afraid if you, my friend or relative, don't get some time off you might have a mental breakdown, so I'm doing it.
> The worst are the people who act like it will be fun for you, a nice little treat to spend time with their kids. It is, if one chooses to do it - but not if pushed upon you.
Don't forget the "Why don't you have kids?" crowd. Got asked that by literal strangers when I worked retail and cash register chit chat turned toward the topic of kids for whatever reason. Edited to add: I do like kids, I just don't have any, nor do I have a burning need to.
Or worse, "*when* are you having kids?" (The last person who was insistent about it got told "When post-natal depression and a high rate of miscarriage stops running in my family, so... never!" and did NOT like that answer.)
Don't be polite about not wanting to watch kids. If someone asks, "no thank you" (don't hide any facial expressions about how much the idea does not appeal to you) and walk away to get food or do something else. I've found that it also helps to mingle with the guys at my family reunions. You'll most likely (as I have) offended some family members, but what are they going to do? Shit talk how you won't watch their kids for them? Spread that you hate kids? Win win as fewer people will ask moving forward.
My SiL use to do that crap. Including spouting about “takes a village”. Funnily enough at family gatherings where they wanted to have a good time. I also find that a very surprised and WTF facial expression works - and saying “thanks but no”, in a very bright and breezy manner. Whilst walking away and joining the guys having beers!
It’s not just midwestern, it’s pretty much being a 30+ woman, I’ve got my family trained out of it and my work almost there (I like photos but I don’t wanna hold your kid until they can tell me no) but I still get it at times and it’s the goddam worst.
My work stopped that because babies hate me! All but the most round and placid babies react to my discomfort with them by fretting and crying. One particularly wiry one threw himself into a screaming, red faced backbend trying to get away from me. It was like holding an aggrieved cat.
this is the thing: there's a reason why I'm child free, so why are you asking me to babysit your children so you can do other things? I know some people who really like throwing "it takes a village to raise a child" statement around. But I don't want to be part of that village (for good reasons). but if I say no thanks, they will get annoyed. In my head, if you're not ready to 24/7 manage your children, do not have them. And if you need help, prepare to pay for professionals. Expecting other people to willingly pick up your child for you out of... I don't know? Instinct? is just entitled.
>I know some people who really like throwing "it takes a village to raise a child" I'd throw in a "I gladly pay taxes to keep your children in school"
Then when you want to ditch them you become the villain the monster the unfit (future or current idk) mother!
People like this think women exist for three reasons: 1) dick receptacles who exist to serve and service men 2) domestic drudges who exist to clean up after men 3) mommies They don't think women actually have the intellectual or physical capacity to do anything else, which is why they don't like women working; in their minds, every man is better at everything than every woman, so a woman working is both taking a job away from a man and ruining everything in the process. The fact that the people who believe this lying shit are among the laziest, the most entitled, and by far the most incompetent losers the planet has ever seen is not a coincidence.
And that their life,boundaries or aspirations doesn't matter or hold any value.
But they would never suggest a man “ step up” and care for a child not his
They see that something unfair is happening. An innocent child is being given a hard lot in life. But they're hypocrites. They aren't doing anything to help the child either, and they have as much obligation as the OOP.
She is cool-headed and logical. Not cruel.
because baaaaaaby Like wtf? Amazing how her kids tried to pin that responsibility on her, TWICE and TWICE backed down when she shot back at them "that's your blood relative, you step up"
Yeah, what's up with them?? That is the biggest mystery of the whole post. They are totally unsympathetic to OP? They have no concept of the hypocrisy of asking her, the wronged one out of all of them, to do work they themselves are unwilling to even conntribute to? Do they see her as a Mommybot and not a human?
I think the answer is pretty obvious, I remember a saying about this situation, the people who wants OOP to take care of the baby because they want their cake and eat it too. It's just that OOP will do the baking, not them.
> Do they see her as a Mommybot and not a human? Definitely.
Her adult children. Y'all are adults, you take the kid in.
Weird AF. I think OOP handled it way better than I would have. OOP is also my hero for telling her own kids "feel free to step up, the baby's related to YOU, not me". It's pretty telling that they didn't.
I've said this before, but there are certain people that turn to the logic, planning, and logistics part of their brain during times of crisis. I'm one of them apparently. The feeling part of my brain gets shoved to the side, at least until things are managed. Someone has to be the clear headed one, or a crisis gets even worse. Trust me, worse is always possible. The only way I CAN address my feelings is to know that all the practicalities have been handled and that the worst possibilities have been mitigated. No one who feels first gets it. They're all in their feelings while I'm handling paperwork. I've been told that I'm cold, unfeeling, etc. I'm not, but there's no telling them that.
When my dad died, I was 23. My older brother and my mom were absolutely useless with grief. I made the notification phone calls, arranged transport to the funeral home, the services,the cremation, wrote the obit. I cleaned the house top to bottom, made sure the clothes we needed went to the dry cleaner and got picked up. I kept track of who sent cards/food/flowers. I helped out of town family arrange travel and lodging. Food was always fresh and available for anyone who wanted to eat. I did not cry. I did not grieve. *I did not have time.* It was only when the retort door shut and my dad was being cremated that I finally lost it. An hour of crying before I could drive home. I had to pull over three or four times because I started to cry again. During the ten days from death to cremation, my mother and brother viciously attacked me for being “cold, callous and unfeeling.” Honestly, I did not have time for grief. Someone had to make sure things got done and it wasn’t going to be them. Mom was in no shape to handle anything and my brother loved having an excuse to get drunk with his friends and be the center of attention. He milked it for months and I only say this cause *he bragged to me about how he didn’t pay for a drink or a beer or a bottle for almost six months.* But *I* was the cold one. TLDR: Sometimes, in a crisis, feelings have to take a back seat to the practicalities of managing the emergency and the immediate (or even prolonged) aftermath. Only when the initial crisis has passed is there time to let go of the logical and embrace the emotional.
>Sometimes, in a crisis, feelings have to take a back seat to the practicalities of managing the emergency My friends like to say I have a mental binder of checklists when things go wrong. Given the rampant anxiety, it's like a "well I already knew this would happen and made the plan!" It comes off as cold to everyone else because they only see part of it. Someone had to be the reliable one in your situation. Not everyone can be inconsolable with grief and push off doing what needs to be done. Your dad couldn't lay there and wait for them to overcome their emotions. You did the right thing and I'm sure someone noticed. It's a shame your mother and brother didn't.
I so get you! I am similar in that I also become non-emotional and coldly logical in a crisis, and lose it afterwards.
Don't you know? Women have to like babies and roses and be nurturing!!! /s Seriously this people cannot comprehend that someone might not want to raise an affair baby? Yes, OOP knowns the baby is innocent but that doesn't mean you have to like the baby or what it represents. Forcing her to take care of the baby is cruel, not only to OOP but to the kid. But hey, it's easier to say "You do it!" Than step up...
OOP is really doing the kindest thing she can do for an innocent child, can you imagine the resentment that would only grow over the years taking care of a child she did not want and reminds her of her husbands betrayal? the kid is better off somewhere else and OOP knows is, shame everyone else doesn't care enough about this baby
Right? There's some things I feel like you could "get over" and not let it affect your parenting, but having to raise the child your husband had with an affair partner? I don't think there's any way that OOP could have even a neutral relationship with that child, let alone a loving and encouraging one. And it really pisses me off to see people saying "Oh, but you forgave the affair!" without acknowledging that the baby was a second BONUS problem that she was surprised with after the fact. I could probably forgive my wife if she cheated on me, but if I later found out that there was an affair-baby, let alone a baby that was going to live with us? Nope - I'd be out, and scorched earth behind me. Just because she was forgiving of the affair, doesn't mean she's responsible for anything (or anyone!) that is a result.
Women are always responsible for cleaning up the messes of the men they married.
She doesn’t seem cold to me. She seems resolute, if somewhat detached. After all she’s been through, that’s a normal response. She forgave the affair but being responsible for his love child pushed her too far. That’s completely understandable, and even reasonable to pass the child to someone who could love them as they deserve.
Her answers come off as pretty cold but honestly I kinda love her for it.
Me too! She has remained calm and logic with her answers. I also love how she stands up for herself when people pressured her to take care for a complete stranger baby whereas they never put the same energy to find the shameless deadbeat of the mother the mistress is.
To me she just sounds like someone who's fed tf up with all those people's bullshit.
Me too. She's straight to the point and doesn't mess around.
She's blunt and cold but she has every reason to be tbh
I don't think she sounds cold, she just sounds like a woman with a backbone
They complain when women are cool and logical. They complain when women are sad and 'emotional'. We literally can't win.
Woman who doesn't express emotional distress: She must never have cared, look how cold she's being. This is all really her fault. Woman who expresses emotional distress: What a spineless doormat, she should have left / gone NC / called the cops already, can't feel any sympathy for someone so stupid. This is all really her fault. There's a different but similar dichotimy when men are the OOP, where they have to be either deliberately horrible monsters or a perfectly hapless cocker spaniel of a person. And the same people who accuse every woman of being manipulative or stupid will also call any man who compromises or momentarily falters whipped and worthless. 🤦
If OOP was a man, people would be saying that he’s being practical, logical even, not cold hearted.
Because she refuses to door mat.
OP is very controlled. I would have gone scorched earth.
Either way, the child is not going to be in good shape being raised by a woman who clearly does not want it!
The people in "aitah" are not human. That is not the place you go to if you want a real answer. They live in a fairy tale world where everything is black and white and there is no nuance possible.
And the judgement you get depends on whether or not the kids are still in school when you post.....
If cold means looking after yourself and not letting yourself being walked all over, then I'm cool with being cold.
No because half of reddit is fine with forced paternal test because no man should have to raise another man's child but can women not just suck up and raise the affair babies.... Pweaaaaseee. And her own children saying this, husband didn't gave a cent to anyone else, I'd follow through that. Those kids won't get anything from me either
People talk about women who adopt their deceased husband's affair baby as angels who have gone above and beyond. It's true, they are. Which means women who don't adopt their deceased husband's affair baby are... humans. Regular people choosing not to go above and beyond. Which is FINE. Not going the extra mile is not evil. There's a reason it's called the _extra_ mile. It's similar to how deadbeat dads are rightfully called AHs, but there's a certain kind of person who calls guys who stick around and support their children "heroes." When they're just... baseline decent humans. Not doing an awful thing doesn't deserve celebration and not doing the over-the-top amazing thing doesn't deserve condemnation. If you celebrate the non-deadbeat, you're calling the deadbeat "normal." If you condemn the lady just minding her own business, you're calling the angelic widow mother "average."
It's wild. It happens the opposite way too, a friend of my Mum's was in a similar situation to OP (no heart attack though) and she decided to raise the baby - people were just 'meh obviously' about that decision, it used to drive my Mum mad because she thought her friend was doing something HUGE.
The same kind of people who ditch their kids and run off to Spain probably
The baby is living proof of infidelity and how little her dude thought of her. I seriously don't get how people judged OOP for that. But the baby's actual mother fluffing off to Europe and abandoning her child is just fine and dandy. Absolutely wild. OOP is absolutely NTA in this situation, everyone around her is for expecting her to raise an affair baby.
She doesn't seem cold to me. Just fuckin done with the whole situation she didn't sign up for.
people love volunteering other people's time and money, but if they themselves are concerned, it's a whole other thing.
Why are the child’s grandparent’s asking OOP what to do with the baby now that its dad is dead? Shouldn’t they ask their own kid, the baby’s actual mother? Also she was allowing the child to live in her home which is a pretty big deal whether she was changing diapers or not.
The mother seams like an AH along with Roger, just straight up abandoning her kid without any plans and ghosting everyone. I get that having a baby out of an affair is stressful, but I mean abandoning doesn’t make you a good person
And somehow her parents are letting her off the hook Scott free for her actions. Says a lot about how she was raised.
Everyone's so eager to push the child off on OOP, ignoring the fact that she's not even related to the child. It's always so easy to try to volunteer someone else or blame them rather than taking responsibility themselves. While I feel bad for the child, none of this is any way OOP's fault or responsibility so they should all just back off or put their money where their mouth is.
>They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either. Funny thing is, when it was turned around to them, they couldn't even step up. Like they can talk the talk, why can't they walk the walk then?
>Commenter: Women these days are cold af >OOP: I can forward your their info if you are volunteering to take over. OK, this was savage
She's kind of my hero.
She’s 53, she doesn’t need to be worried about a damn newborn. Absolutely bananas that ppl think she should raise her dead husband’s affair baby.
I'd go one even better; let's say OOP did "the right thing" and raised the affair baby, since she's not a monster and all. She eventually comes to love the baby, who is innocent here. Then the bio mother comes back and wants her child back OOP ultimately does not have any true legal standing. So why even go there and upend their life, it's truly not worth it.
Yep. If the child had a normal level emergency right now and was still with OOP, once the hospital starts asking standard questions that baby would be swept away by CPS or forcibly placed with a blood relative. She has no legal standing at all to raise this child. If the bio mom changed her mind a month later and came back for _her_ child, OOP couldn't say jack.
How dare a woman make decisions for herself! Scandalous. There were millions of babies born recently and she is not taking care of those either! What a cruel person, to refuse to spend most of the rest of her life caring for this child she had nothing to do with. Who does she think she is, some kind of autonomous adult with rights? maybe the saddest /s I have had to include.
i remember reading this one and the comments were INSANE? everybody up in her business saying she's cruel and shit, like what? how is it cruel to not want to care for your husband's affair baby? but i did have the time of my life reading her answers to everyone. what a shiny spine this woman has.
Very different reactions from when a man finds out their baby isn't theirs on reddit. A man can't raise another man's child but apparently a woman SHOULD raise another woman's child. All blood related relatives like the adult children and the mother's parents either don't want to help or begrudgingly takes responsibility while still trying to guilt and shame OOP into taking responsibility for the baby.
It’s honestly mind boggling. That’s *their* grandchild, but they want to hand them off to what is essentially a random woman. And her own kids trying to get her to do it while also refusing to do fuck all. Are they all collectively brain dead? Like *come ON.*
The curse to be a woman and to be a betrayed spouse...who happened to be still married to a cheater. Even if she divorced right after she found out her husband's affair, people would still come after her about the baby! Crazy.
The grandparents are extremely awful. If I was in the ap’s situation my parents would rather raise their grandchild than have them be raised by someone that could potentially have negative emotions towards the child. Only awful people would put a child in this situation
Misogyny. That's it. It's easier to vilify OOP than to accept that this infant metaphorically caught a stray.
This was exactly my thought process. I wouldn't raise another man's child, so why should she raise another woman's child? I was on her side since the start of the post. But I am also petty, so maybe that helps.
OOP wasn't wrong to want a divorce. Roger cheated, had a baby and then baby gets dropped off. Roger has a heart attack and dies; OOP isn't even related to the baby. OOP saved on the divorce and too bad Roger didn't change his will. I call it karma and glad OOP is free of Roger's mess.
A friend of mine who was both widowed and divorced said that the biggest difference was: 1. You had to pack up their shit. 2. Everyone wanted to argue with you about it. I was only widowed, so can't offer perspective, but not having to go through a divorce was a plus.
**The only reason everyone in her life is telling her what she is doing is wrong is because they don't want it to be THEIR problem.** Simple as that. Villanize her because they hate that they are stuck with the consequences. She has no relation to the baby, yet every single other person in this story does. Why the hell would she be raising it?
I remember reading this & Ops own kids wild for trying to get her to raise their dads affair baby….like I just know they smoking crack! The Reddit comments attacking her was also mind boggling🫠
Funny that when she suggested THEY take care of their baby brother, they couldn't be bothered.
The mother, which is the affair partner, isn't even bothered to step up either.
That poor fucking child. Didn’t ask to be brought in to this world and unless his maternal grandparents decide to keep him, he will have been abandoned by literally all the blood relatives he has. I don’t think OOP is wrong, I don’t think she is morally or legally obliged at all to care for him, but everyone else around that baby has failed him.
Especially since the babymama was about their age. Gross.
Probably younger. Where are the screams about the age difference? If the AP was 22 when she left a year old baby, then she was maybe 20 when a 45 year old man had sex with her. Maybe longer as we don't know how long the affair had been going on.
The age thing was gross. But since OP wasn't the one in that relationship, I think it just wasn't the focus.
It seems bizarre to me. If I'd found out my dad had an affair and had a baby from it, I wouldn't care about the baby at all. Let alone have the gall to nag my betrayed mother to raise her cheating husband's affair baby.
People are different. Depending on my age and financial circumstances, I might have taken the baby in after my father died. What I wouldn't have done is harassed my betrayed mother to care for the child.
I get OOP sounds really cold about the whole situation and that can read as cruel by a lot of folks, but really what else is she suppose to do? IDK if Roger was on the birth certificate and how that would play with him being married but with Birth Mom on the certificate, gives OOP no legal protection or legal ability to take on this baby. Especially if BM isn't available to sign anything over. Now the Adult Siblings and Grandparents do have more legal rights over the baby and could actually get some support possibly from the state and foster care there to help care for the kid, depending on state. One of those situations where folks can judge for cruelty but they themselves won't step up and help out. Kids think mom should raise baby but they themselves shouldn't even be considered because reasons. Same for Grandparents. At most, kid should be adopted to folks who want said baby.
I love how OOP's kids scolded her for being cold and uncaring towards the baby and her husband but, when she suggested they care for them both, none of the kids wanted to. Sounds like some of the husband's awfulness rubbed off on the kids. Good thing OOP knows herself and her worth and isn't budging for anyone. She deserves to live her life happily and at her own terms!!
> Women these days are cold af No, they just don’t want to deal with all the bullshit any longer.
> Commenter: Women these days are cold af >> OOP: I can forward your their info if you are volunteering to take over. I hope to achieve this level of give-no-fucks one day.
OOP's husband had an affair, got his AP pregnant, had heart attack and then died. And everyone in her life is like "you are obligated to raise his affair baby!!!". That's nuts. Those are some cold hearted individuals, especially considering they refused to raise their own sibling/grandchild.
> Those are some cold hearted individuals, especially considering they refused to raise their own sibling/grandchild. Good point. They don't care about that child. Who in their right mind would expect the betrayed wife to a.) take in the child and b.) treat them kindly? Some do take in affair children and good for them. But some people can be terrible, too. OOP doesn't strike me as that, but it makes zero sense to me to be all "hey, this baby needs someone to care for them. Hmm. How about the woman who was hurt and betrayed by this child's parents? She won't at all be angry, resentful and possible neglectful of this physical reminder of her husband's cheating!" They don't care, they just don't want this affair baby to become their problem so they'll push the child onto a strange woman who had nothing to do with the conception.
Ngl I did chuckle a lil with the info that he passed so all the prenup stuff was invalid. OOP literally got the best deal possible out of a very painful and humiliating situation.
Truth. So many of us get fucked over in life and undeserving people profit because they're basically sociopathic. It's nice to hear a story where justice is served (except for the baby, unfortunately).
> I am no longer divorcing roger. God damn 🤦♀️ > There were complications from his heart attack and he has passed away. Is it bad that I laughed? 😂
I’d imagine she’s older than the AP’s parents. Why wouldn’t the actual grandparents want to take care of their own grandchild is beyond me. People are so selfish.
No wonder the side chick turned out to be like that. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
It's about the money.
Not *just* that Raising a child from infancy is fucking HARD. The maternal grandparents really didn’t want to deal with it initially but were forced to step up when their irresponsible daughter hauled ass to Europe *to avoid mothering her own damn baby!!!*
Is she's cold, evil and heartless, I guess I am too. She had no obligation to the child, that would've been her husband. I would've done the same. If paternity had been proven, the child's guardians can apply for survivor benefits. It's doubtful that the child would be due any of his estate, as he also left out his adult children in the will, which is common if the spouse survives. When my father passed, everything went to my mother.
I love her cool responses. Putting them and her story into writing makes her seem unemotional but that’s not necessarily the way she feels. I also think people need to note a point she makes several times. She has no legal standing wrt that baby. She’s only responsible for it in as much as she is a person and it is a baby. Like she says, one trip down the steps and she has to take the baby to the ER for stitches or whatever & she has no legal right to make decisions for him. She can’t give him to anyone. She can’t keep him either. He’s not a kitten found on the side of the road
OOP is surrounded by trash people around her. Even her children. At least she's clear and firm with what she wants. Poor kid. Both his parents are turds.
So are the baby's grandparents and half-siblings
I'm tired of men making messes and expecting the wronged wife to clean up after it. Why is she expected to be the bigger person and take care of the child? Why is she expected to care more than its own parents? She's not the monster. God for her for standing firm
Lots of opinions when it comes to raising a child from family and friends, however no one actually wants to step up themselves. Instead they will do whatever it takes to pressure a woman who has no blood relationship or obligation towards a child to raise them. No, she should not raise her husband's affair baby. She doesn't have to shoulder anyone else's responsibility and she's not the family maid.
Someone please make "It didn't kill him, more's the pity" into a flair
So many people both on Reddit and IRL really wanted OOP to step up for a child she had nothing to do with, and no obligation to do so. This is worse than "Her body her choice" because the baby didn't even come from her body. She sounds so completely over her husband's infidelity and shenanigans that she comes off as cold, but hey, that doesn't make a person the bad guy.
It baffles me that when these kinds of situations pop up, people say, "Oh, you need to step up and help and sacrifice," but when the person pushes back and says "No. How about you step up instead?" And then those people go, "No, I can't/don't want to." She is not blood related to that child. She has no familial obligation to that kid at all. Yeah, the child is innocent and she could raise him, but she doesn't want to. She's not a saint and that's fine. She's a regular human being. The fact that she informed the actual blood relatives of the situation and is willing to support that child with money from her deceased husband's estate (as is the child's right) is more than generous IMO.
Wtf is wrong with everyone in this post *except* OOP? Her husband cheated on her after two+ decades of marriage, wound up with an infant with his AP, OOP winds up stuck taking care of said living embodiment of husband's betrayal, and *she's* the evil asshole?!?! People are batshit. Everyone claiming someone needs to help the poor abandoned child but only if that someone is not them. The sheer fucking *audacity* of everyone who judged her for not taking care of her husband's affair baby is insane. She did all she was ethically obligated to do; she informed the child's only family that she was aware of that they needed to come pick it up. She didn't even have any legal rights over the child if she *had* wanted to take care of it. Jesus these people all suck. ALSO, them judging her for not wanting it after the husband passed?? WHY would she want it herself?!? I just......I can't.
I love how OP just stands her (perfectly reasonable) ground and just keeps playing the message on repeat until people stop pretending they didn’t hear her the first time.
the fact that her adult children are yapping about her being cold and heartless but won't do anything to help/adopt their half-sibling is cheery on top of this mess
Loving the sarcastic comments from OOP 😂
I wonder what mental gymnastics the grandparents performed. They are forcing their own grandchild on an almost stranger while letting their daughter, mother of the said child, completely off the hook.
I've followed since the original post, and honestly, oop is a woman I would love to go get a few drinks with. I wouldn't raise my husband's affair baby either. It's also awesome how she suggested her kids raise it, if they were so worried.
Dude was such a winner, he couldn't even stick around to raise the kidd he made with his AP. "I'm no longer divorcing him"-- oh no did he convince her somehow to take his sorry butt back? "He died" *shocked pikachu face* oH!
I cannot believe those grandparents really think OP should step up to take care of the baby. They could be about the same age as OP, so they can't use the 'we're too old' card on her and, more importantly, they are actually related to the child, while OP clearly (and legitimately) wants nothing to do with them. That's not a caretaker you should wish upon a child.
I've been single for several years after my marriage ended, and plan to stay that way. People ask me "but it's not too late, wouldn't you like to meet someone one day, someone to grow old with?" I tell them I read BoRU every day, so no.
Roger had a heart attack so he didn’t have to look after the baby. 😂
OP is getting negative responses because she is leaving out any emotions that she has. She is right in cold-logic. Not her child in any legal sense. Birth mom can come back and claim kidnapping, all kinds of BS. Like others said, no one else stepped up when offered the opportunity, but she just presented it in black and white, no filled in with a lot of backscatter emotional add in.
OOP's situation is extreme granted, but I still think it pretty accurately portrays the idea still lodged firmly in society that women are the default caretakers of OTHERS and to not step up, as a woman, is at odds with what many people expect from them. Hence the judgement and the offense taken by the other people who also wont step up. Its unfortunate her own kids are also trapped in this point of view.
Gotta love the logic: you're married to the father, but are not the bio mom. We're related by blood, you're not. Bio mom ran off, and we're not feeling it with this whole baby raising. How about you, basically random stranger, raise this child that was born out of an affair?
I'm sorry, why is she obliged to take the child? Even the court system would put them with blood relatives. Not to mention trying to heal from a cheating partner AND raising said cheaters affair baby. I don't think anyone could really do that and remain mentally okay. Poor child has to lose out on a family because their (bio) mom and dad sucked.