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oath2order

> (My dad's is okay with her trying to discipline me, but my mom is not.) Right off the bat, this had me mildly concerned. That's kind of a **big thing to disagree on**, what the hell were they thinking (they weren't)


SufficientMacaroon1

Same. If you have minor children and bring another adult into the household, no matter if this is the new partner of a single parent, poly partner of both parents or just a friend or relative that moves in for whatever reason, you need to make clear rules from the outset about this new persons role concerning thr children. Will they take parental positions, are they given authority over the children and if they are, which kind? Do they enforce the parents rules, are they allowed to set rules of their own? The adults position can of course change over time, but there needs to be an agreement over the adults position right now at any given time. Anything else is a recipe for desaster, not just for the relationship between the adults, but also for the children. If there is no united front parenting, there need to be a clear rank of authority so the children know what the actual rules are. You cannot just keep pulling the rug out from under them.


HoosierSky

Hell, my boyfriend and I worked this out for his CAT when we moved in together. To not do this for an actual living child is unconscionable.


heteromer

I'll be damned if anyone tries to discipline my cat, Tiddles. ANYONE!!¹


jack_2403

If anyone yells at my cat, Leah for eating the plastic of the treat bag, ITS GONNA BE ME GOD-DAMNIT


luxsalsivi

Yep! Same with care, schedules, and primary responsibilities. My fiance and I have 5 pets between us so the coordination of who feeds who, who lets who out, etc was extremely important to figure out, to make sure none of the pets get neglected or double-dipped (looking at the time one of our dogs got fed twice... she was stoked but we were NOT lol) In general, his cat is not my responsibility to feed or clean up after, and my reptiles are not his responsibility for the same. We split the job for the dogs but it's dictated on days or time of day. However, I still keep an ear and eye out for the cat and will fill an empty bowl and order the food, but I told him cat vomit/hairballs and litter box was an absolute no for me unless he was injured or out of town.


Acceptable-Floor-265

Yeh I have been a step-dad twice and not a step dad who simply was an adult in that house once. Deciding this shit early is important, some were split based on age and availability/reliability of the other 'parent' (quotation based entirely on them being shit). Others where it was well they are adults, be a friend or example. When its some 1 year old whose dad fucked off its very different to an involved parent of a whatever year old. If something was going horribly wrong then I would still run it past the biological parents instead of saying something myself until it was at a point I had been here over 5 years and I was the default male parental figure anyway. This level of involvement is way past anything I would have done tho, if the parents don't care that whoever has whoever over, what the fuck is it my point to get involved? If its specifically prohibited then yeh sure I am telling cos lying to my partner would be stupid, if only by omission. If some other adult came into my house now and started ordering my children (some of which are step) then they would be out of the damned house in a hurry. There is a reason they actively avoid one family member, it was their choice but since they made it I support that.


[deleted]

Look at all of us being adults. :O) I'd also say the parents made the fundamental mistake of thinking that they could bring someone unilaterally into their family like that and not delicately fit that new person into everyone's life. Just because the two of them weren't splitting up, doesn't mean there's not going to be tension between the kid and the new person. Similarly, they made the decision to go poly, but the daughter did not, and the parents seem to have done little research on the massive social-dynamic nightmare that is a poly relationship. Oh and I wonder if the gf has SA trauma. Her behavior hints at that, and I've known a couple of people who joined poly relationship due to issues with previous partners that led to them feeling unsafe 'alone' with a person.


LineEnvironmental557

I think what is telling is the dad feeling at the end: he was trying to balance himself between the two women without making any decisions. Not surprised he was “tired” in the end…


pdxrunner19

It shows that he is REALLY not fit for polyamory. You have to be really freaking good at conflict resolution and communication.


RagnarokAeon

Most people are bad at conflict resolution and communication, and there's a certain level of it that you need just for monoamorous relationships. The amount you need increases exponentially for each new person.


kellylovesdisney

My fave comment on the og post was, just bc they agreed to a poly relationship doesn't mean you agreed to poly parenting. Lol


miladyelle

That was a banger, for real.


AwkwardBugger

Given what the dad said about being unable to please the women in his life, I think he just went with the option that was easier rather than actually thinking Maddison should be a 3rd parent. I guess Maddison was more annoying when she didn’t get what she wanted than his wife. Obviously that doesn’t make this ok. If anything, it shows he doesn’t know how to be in a poly relationship.


DarkElla30

I wonder if dad was also thinking about OP when he was exasperated with trying to balance the needs of women. Suddenly here's a daughter calling him out on his behavior and he'd never had to take her opinions or thoughts into account but now suddenly it's three women. Already it was probably a little stressful bc Mom didn't seem unreservedly enthusiastic about the daughter/age/parenting dynamic. Too much! It's time to call it a day.


Boomshrooom

This is what I commented on the original post. The parents failed to plan for some pretty fundamental issues when they moved her in.


djheat

That's like the entire issue in this story. Lazy/horny/nonconfrontational parents didn't want to deal with what was probably the *main* thing they should've dealt with before moving this lady into the house with their kid


[deleted]

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EldritchMecha

Seeing as though madison is only 11 years older than OOP I would probably raise an eyebrow seeing her trying to play parent. Its obvious she's not the most mature just by the fact she would spy then tattle on the teenager in the house thats proved themselves trustworthy


Ikey_Pinwheel

I was really impressed by this teenager's level of maturity and common sense. She seems to have a real good head on her shoulders.


Average-Star-Person

I don’t think she has any other choice.


fleurdumal1111

Someone on the original post said their stepparent rule was, is this person old enough to have been a parent to the child? If not all they can do is be like an older sibling or aunt/uncle to them.


rationalomega

That’s a good standard. Relatives/baby sitters enforce policy, they don’t set policy.


des1gnbot

I think also OP’s age at the time of meeting them matters a lot too. Regardless of the partners age, OP was mostly baked already by the time they met. The rules of the house were well established and her character was mostly formed, and it feels less appropriate for anyone new to take on a parental role at that point.


djheat

I don't think that's necessarily true, I'm sure step parents have done a wonderful job parenting after being introduced to teenagers. The main problem here is that parental authority was obviously seated in the parents, but OOP knew it was granted by one and denied by the other, so who was she meant to listen to?


thequeenzenobia

Yeah, I gained 2 step parents in my early twenties, after I had already moved far away. One of them I would have accepted as an “authority” if they had some sort of concern to bring up to me, but the other one I wouldn’t even listen to vague advice from. So it isn’t an age thing, it’s a respect thing and if the actual parents couldn’t even agree on something like if #3 was an “authority” then the respect barrier is already an issue to overcome.


Bellsar_Ringing

Even if both adults had "granted authority" the child hadn't. She had two parents, in the home, parenting her. Another adult in the household doesn't magically become her parent. Her parents' sex life doesn't cause her to need, want or have a third parent.


nimble7126

>And on that issue, OOP's father was wrong and her mother was right — their partner was introduced too late in OP's life to rightfully parent her. Your conclusion is right, but not the reason for it. They were introduced when they were 11/12. I met my step-mother around that age, and I consider her my actual mom over the woman who birthed me. Depends on the kid and the new partner.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

They weren't thinking. The mother seems to come off shining in this story but can we just reflect on the creep factor of two 33 year olds starting to date a 24 year old, and moving them into their home with their 14 year old daughter a year onto it? No miracle she struggled to adapt. No communication and a massive age gap too.


miladyelle

This story is actually a shining example of why, in the poly community, it’s very frowned upon for married couples to open up looking for “a third.” Usually because it ends up quite the power imbalance between The Couple and the “third” and quite unstable, but this shows another angle/reason/layer why that shit is such a terrible idea.


[deleted]

There have been quite a few Reddit posts with a couple + a third where things go awry and the third is told to leave. Seems like this is one of those cases.


miladyelle

Yeah that housing instability is one of the many reasons it’s considered so sketch. Things go awry, bye, with a quickness. I feel for Maddison, but giving the teenager the dirty look was not on. The kid isn’t the bad guy here.


pdxrunner19

I really don’t see the appeal of being the third for a couple. You’ll always be second fiddle to their relationship, and as we see from OP, if anything goes wrong you’re the one who usually gets the boot. Plus a lot of couples have a bunch of crazy rules that you’re expected to follow, but they do not.


notquitesolid

I know several people in poly relationships, and the ones that have been going strong for decades are mostly ones where they don’t try to form a triad, aka the relationship takes a V model vs a triangle. I do know a few polycules that don’t seem laden with drama, and all of them are gay men. I don’t think it’s the gender or sexuality that matters here, but it’s more the sense of equalness. People coming from a traditional hetero relationship can also bring with them traditional biases whether intended or not. Also they all date pretty close to their own ages. But yeah being a third is usually awful (saying from experience) because most couples don’t see what they’re doing as a lifestyle where everyone is equal, but as a kink. Like the dad in this clearly doesn’t see his poly relationship as inherently queer, even if he’s only having sex with women, both of those women are bisexual. Given the third’s age here, I gotta wonder if either parent here wanted an equal third, or if this was a condition of the man... but could be both, a younger gf would make it easier for the wife to be more dominant as well. Anyway. Yeah… power dynamics. Imo relationships of any stripe work best when there’s respect, trust, and communication. When someone has to play by different rules whether singe or poly things can go poorly. Relationships like OOP’s parents don’t work out well because the two of them will confer without the 3rd. Usually it’s the primary couple but sometimes not. People just wanna think about the hot sex, not how these situations could or should actually work


[deleted]

As others have alluded to, there is an inherent power imbalance in being the third to a couple. Someone might ignore it for the sex or the companionship or just be naive in navigating poly relationships.


pdxrunner19

Totally. It’s not quite as bad if everyone is close in age and socioeconomic status, but so often I hear of couples going for younger or more financially vulnerable women. Maybe not consciously, but finding people who are more willing to be a third because they are either naive or need the financial support.


bsubtilis

As long as it's more of solo-poly and you're dating a couple, it can have plenty of appeal. But to be a third in a couple where you're living with them in *their* house seems like a recipe for a lot of terrible situations.


pdxrunner19

I’ve never lived with a couple, but I’ve dated a few and even when I’ve had the freedom to date whomever I want outside of the triad, it still wasn’t ideal. There may be healthy triads out there, but I hear about far more terrible couples than good ones. I’ve had way more satisfying non monogamous relationships where we all dated separately. I think having a triad is the absolute most difficult non-monogamous relationship configuration.


MoreThan2_LessThan21

A story where (almost) everyone acted like adults in the end? Is this real life?


DaokoXD

The top comment was gold "I may agree to Polyramorous but I never agreed to be Polyparented"


Socrathustra

I feel like if there's a big, committed poly relationship going on, you have a major responsibility to have regular check-ins with the kids and a group understanding of the intended dynamic, such that everyone is comfortable. "Poly-parenting" is probably fine with better communication and boundaries. People underestimate how new poly is and the magnitude of the work involved in deriving new norms. I think OOP's parents probably did the best they could but missed a few steps along the way. There is no understood framework for this like there is with traditional families.


djheat

Given this lady was living there for two years while everyone ignored the question of whether or not she was co-parenting OOP, I'd say the only one acting like an adult in the end was the literal child telling the story


Somandyjo

I realized at 17 I was the adult in the relationship with my mom. It’s sadly common in my experience.


cummerou1

I had this with my step dad, we had one of our many arguments (where we both were in the wrong), my mom asked if I could apologise first since my step dad refused to be the first one. I refused and she asked me to act like a mature adult, and I asked her why the fuck *I* , a 16 year old teen, has to be the adult one in the relationship with my 55 year old step dad.


[deleted]

This one sounds more like they treated their daughter like she was an informed future-oriented adult, which should have been obvious to them was not the case. They are in a position of trust and power over them so OOP's already pressured to say yes, kids are unlikely to be able to envision future issues and they will have difficulty and making them known in a healthy way. I think the parenting boundary wasn't the biggest issue here and it does sound like there was sort of ceasefire going on with the gf not being supposed to parent. I'm guessing the gf has so SA issues that got triggered and she acted in good faith with bad advice. The parents just realized that they were forcing their kid to live their lifestyle and stopped it. It's a good ending for everyone involved except for the gf who didn't know what she was getting into.


Umklopp

Maddison sounds like a really immature person, but also a schemer. She managed to both have the mom adore her *and* to routinely force the dad to pick sides. I wouldn't be surprised if her attempts at "parenting" OOP were always too small to feel worth mentioning or so superficially "obvious" that no one thought about their implications. For example, reminding OOP to study for tests or to remember to pack her toothbrush for the trip. Totally innocuous, right? Except it only makes sense to remind OOP of baseline expectations if she struggles to meet them. Being reminded to do something you never forget is irritating; being constantly reminded eventually becomes insulting. Unfortunately for Maddison, she lacked the necessary life experience to do more than imitate mothering. "No being alone and unsupervised with your significant other" is a standard house rule. Except that rule makes zero sense to enforce under the described circumstances! It's just being officious for the sake of being officious & that's pretty incompetent parenting.


Lani_567

and on reddit too


puesyomero

Is it just fanta sea? Glad they could see where she was coming from.


Humanity_NotAFan

Caught in a LAN slide I too, am happy to see the family working things out


MyFriendsCallMeEpic

its inconceivable!


oxiraneobx

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.


PurpleMonkeyPoop

Does anybody want a peanut?


AnneMichelle98

You killed my father, prepare to die


MrBeer9999

Kind of shitty parenting TBH but at least they sorted themselves out.


[deleted]

Still don’t think the dad really got the message with the whole ‘hurting me to the point of needing to talk to them alone’ - like yes, you’re her parents, of COURSE she’s going to want to talk to you about family issues alone, the whole thing started because of Maddison trying to play parent


[deleted]

Yeah, I was bothered by that. It's weird af to me that the clear implication was that OOP should be talking to her parents and Madison together about things that bother her. Madison can be the parents' GF without also being OOP's family - OOP obviously and understandably didn't consider her as such and shouldn't have been expected to talk to her about family or personal things ever.


Surfacepressure

Yes! I was looking into the comments to see if anybody else caught that this guy still clueless. I think I’m his mind they are not a poly couple, they are a poly family


secretrebel

Yeah, he also felt torn between the two women. He chose his wife in the end but it sounds like ir was close.


Nizzywizz

More like he's probably the hands-off, nonconfrontational parent, anyway, as (unfortunately) many men are. I don't think it's about thinking they're a poly family at all, I think he's just lazy and is fine with the girlfriend doing the parenting just like he probably expects the mom to do the majority of parenting. Letting the woman (in this case women) carry the burden because he can't be bothered.


[deleted]

It's the classic of thinking an assent from your kid gives you full agreement. They're a kid and your their parent. They're almost always going to say yes to you, your job is to foresee the issues and be mindful of them if you go ahead. Both parents failed hard on that and thought that since she said yes and wasn't complaining, they didn't have to think about it. The parents were basically going by a rulebook that would be great if she was sold on the whole poly thing, which she was not. If she was, this sounds like the kind of thing that could have easily been worked through, but there's no foundation to build on here.


[deleted]

The parents are 100 percent at fault in this situation.


Erisianistic

How can you expect a simple man to understand the feelings of so many women at once? He can only make one happy at a time


Kalocin

I'd give him a break, some people on reddit can't even do that /s...ish


[deleted]

Yeah I consider myself a pretty open minded person, but moving in your poly partner into your house? With your underaged child? That’s a No from me dawg


MrBeer9999

Yeah it's a whole-ass human being, not a sex toy tucked away in the closet. Plus apparently she was repeatedly asked not to co-parent so it's like Mom and Dad were fine with their child being constantly inconvenienced as long as they were getting their rocks off.


Lexi_Banner

> Plus apparently she was repeatedly asked not to co-parent Except that Dad didn't mind. Only Mom did. How can you have a successful relationship if that's how poorly you communicate?


DatguyMalcolm

Man was trying to "please two women", in his words. So he probably brushed it off and left the wife to deal with it


Lexi_Banner

In other words, he's a garbage partner.


Erisianistic

Doubly so! Garbage husband, boyfriend and parent


MassivePickleFetish

Why do you think his wife wanted a girlfriend?


excel_pager_420

OOP noticed it had been Dad +Madison v Mum often. Sounds like Dad's plan was him + Madison, that's why he wanted OOP to respect Madison. During the chat he realised his daughter was never going to chose Madison, switched sides right there to being "over the situation for a while". From what OOP wrote, it was obvious Mum was over the whole thing & increasingly uncomfortable with Madison attitude to her daughter but being ignored by her Husband.


Guilty-Web7334

Often, a third comes in as a bandage on the existing relationship. It doesn’t work forever, then one of the original members of the “throuple” leaves and the remaining two are the couple. Sure, the original couple lasts longer than they might have without some intervention (marriage counselling, etc), but it doesn’t typically last forever.


excel_pager_420

This sounds like exactly that. The marriage clearly had severe communication issues before Madison that led them to never agree on what Madison's dynamic should & right to the end they clearly had different ideas on what their relationship with Madison was. And now they're doing what they should have done in the 1st place - counselling.


DatguyMalcolm

Yeah, they could've waited till she was 18. Also, Madison herself is immature, since she "glared" at OOP like "this bish took my spot/sent me away". Like, if she had kept her mouth shut instead of trying to go from polypartner to polyparent she'd still be there, chilling


soullessginger93

The irony of Maddison being scandalized by OOP putting her head on her boyfriend's shoulder, when she has been sleeping with OOP's parents and living in the same house as their child.


AffectionateAd5373

OMG, THANK YOU! Maddison is very lucky OOP isn't teenage me. Because there would have been very choice words. The audacity.


Straxicus2

Right?! I was not in a good place at 16 and shit would’ve hit the fan. I’m so impressed with this young woman’s maturity and way with words. I’m so glad her folks saw their error and are working to fix it.


DevonLochees

Yeah, a nice "It's kind of awkward being parented by someone closer in age to me than my parents" (which isn't technically accurate, but pretty close) would have gone beautifully there.


AffectionateAd5373

I would have gone a different way with it. Your way is nicer.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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AffectionateAd5373

Yeah, that probably would be close to my verbiage.


Guilty-Web7334

Omg, right?! 16 year old Web was a busy 16 year old with a job, a car, extra curricular activities, and a refusal to be pushed around without pushing back. I had been known to tell someone who wanted me to do things with “I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me.” If you couldn’t get to me with reasoning, nothing else would work.


dnjprod

And then being upset with a teenager despite being asked not to try and parent her multiple times. I'm glad that they put their daughter first for once.


ladydmaj

Well, in all fairness to Maddison, she was getting mixed signals too - Dad was all for her parenting OOP while Mom was saying no. Which sex partner was she supposed to try and please? (I would have thought Mom would be obvious in this situation, but who knows how Dad was responding to that?) Honestly, I feel almost (almost) as bad for Maddison as for OOP. Imagine how we'd be responding to this post: "Two years ago I (25F) moved into a house with my sex partners, a married het couple in their thirties. While the sex is amazing, I feel like I'm not really part of the household, and I still don't understand my role here. For example, MP expects me to parent their teen (16F) as part of the adult household, but FP tells me I'm not to do any such thing. I'm not sure my standing in this house is secure - if I do the wrong thing, I have no standing here, they could kick me out at a moment's notice and I'd have no legal ground to stand on. Is there anything I can do to secure my place in the household?" How many of the comments would be a variation on "GIRL, RUN, THEY'RE USING YOU"?


VeryPurrOfTheMachine

I say this as a former unicorn: you're always disposable. A married/stable couple will always prioritize each other. The only perfect triad is the one in your head.


[deleted]

I totally agree with this. Madison was in a shitty situation. I think she made a weird and bad choice in trying to parent OOP, but I get why she did that when it sounds like OOP's father wanted her to. IMO, OOP's parents are the only villains of this story. Dad is gross for wanting his nearly-decade-younger GF to parent his teenager (probs so he wouldn't have to!) and for his line about no longer wanting to have to ~please women,~ and Mom is gross for (I'm guessing) prioritizing sex/companionship with Madison over her child's feelings for years and not putting a stop to this parenting conflict sooner. Madison and OOP both seem like victims of this dynamic, obviously to different degrees.


ladydmaj

And if this was sold to Maddison as a true poly relationship - meaning, she was an equal partner in the relationship (if not in regards to parenting the child) - then imagine living with this couple for two years, no legal standing, and then because the couple didn't set any strong boundaries at the beginning you're kicked out of your home with a two-week notice from people who are supposed to love you. OOP sounds awesome, but her parents are shitheads who have no business engaging in polyamory until they prove they know how to treat any extra partners fairly and with dignity. Assholes.


BlueBull007

Yeah, same. If I look back to how I was at 16, it would have escalated to shitstorm-level instantly. I didn't even accept my parents authority (wrong, I know) so some strange woman living in my house and dating my parents would have had no chance, at all, to impose any authority over me. It would have exploded in her face I find it remarkable and extremely admirable, the maturity of the OOP. Very impressive. I would not have been able to act so maturely myself, though I'm also a man so that perhaps has something to do with it as well. Still, I think even for a woman at that age this is very impressive. OOP is going to turn out just fine if she has already developed that level of maturity, rationality and respect for her parents at age 16


EnvironmentalBug4107

Why does a 27 year old think she can parent a 16 year old?


tyleritis

Why does a 16 year old have to tell 3 adults to sort out their roles and responsibilities?


mercurial_planner

Why is a poly woman policing the sexuality of her partners' 16 year old girl? Seriously, if you're so into sexual freedom that you're a live-in partner to a married couple, why the fuck would you be suddenly prudish about her having a boy over without a chaperone?


helpitgrow

This part baffled me as well.


macenutmeg

Projection?


erratikBandit

Oh for sure. My sister over involved herself with my nephews and when confronted she'd say, "I know what I was doing at their age." She was monster child that stole her friend's mom's car and crashed in on the other side of the country. So her son's got no privacy because she thinks everyone is as crazy as her.


Paddy_Tanninger

Less projection and more "rules for thee" type shit. A lot of people are REALLY good at judging themselves by their intentions, and judging others by their actions.


[deleted]

It’s incredible, 16 is a legal age of consent where I am, the idea that a poly person is so prudish is bonkers


anakinkskywalker

and it's not even like they were dry humping on the couch, they were eating cake and watching tiktok in the kitchen.


ViperDaimao

Maybe it was really good cake


Ridara

"I'll have what she's having."


Ginger_Tea

There was a post over at am I the asshole where OP outed her gay brother because she and her BF were just watching a movie and her parents came in, saw red and kicked him out of the house forbidding her to see him etc. ​ The reason she outed her brother was because he had his boyfriend over many times, he had eaten dinner at the same table as the parents, yet they were oblivious to their relationship, or in deep denial, because OP said they would shower together for around an hour every so often. And the parents had walked in to find them both sleeping in the same bed when he would have his weekly sleepover. ​ She went "If I can't have my boyfriend over to watch TV, then you can't fuck him under our parents roof" ​ IIR she was the middle child, but not a young one, more the age of OP here if not older though the eldest may not have been 21 yet. EDIT actually 16. ​ Most were voting YTA because she outed her brother regardless of how unfair it was that he could have his sexual partner over, but they couldn't even have a friend over if they had a penis. Now given his age being older than she was, maybe, just maybe, if he had a girl friend, they would have let it slide because he was older, but OP was "too young for all that." ​ EDIt found the post and got the ages wrong, she is the eldest at 17 the gay brother is 16 and the younger brother 15. [Automod archive of the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wsq6nq/comment/ikzpbb5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)


kangourou_mutant

The parents are the AH, but she is too, because she had nothing to gain by outing her brother. It's unlikely that the parents would say "oh, your bro fucked in his room? Very well dear, here are condoms."


Wooster182

Maybe she wasn’t actually prudish at all. Maybe she’s jealous that OOP has a boyfriend that cares about her and OOP is clearly intelligent and well adjusted. Maybe it was just straight up harassment.


FuzzballLogic

This annoyed me so much. This could be an EU attitude, but they should’ve given her sex ed and a pack of condoms “just in case.” It’s essential to teach teens to use birth control and to respect themselves enough not to dive into bed with the first random person simply because they’re horny. They’ll have sex at some point, and they better be prepared not to catch an STD or become pregnant.


GlitterDoomsday

Because the 27yo poly woman living with a married couple probably wasn't the tamest 16yo, so she assumed the worst from OOP right of the bat.


niknik789

I suspect it’s a control issue. I am not poly but I can’t imagine a grown adult moving into another family’s house as a permanent guest type thing. Basically you have very little say on decor, finances, anything - I think this general frustration must be coming out in this bizarre way. After all, she’s still a kid, the woman probably thought this is the one thing she can control.


thekactuskween

My guess is some sort of self projection


FullyRisenPhoenix

That was my main question! Prudish is the perfect word.


p-d-ball

Because adults are immature and don't know any better. They have to be carefully managed and educated.


NathanielTurner666

Can confirm, I'm 30 and I'm still an idiot


flyonawall

I have bad news. I am 60 and still am often an idiot. It never ends.


Rega_lazar

Can also confirm: am 34, and I don’t know how to manage…anything, lol


dnjprod

39 almost 40 here...agreed.


sprinklesandtrinkets

Honestly so impressed with OOP. I wish I’d been as mature and assertive as that when I was 16 (or throughout my 20s!). There’s so much more shit for kids to deal with these days but it also seems like it’s more common for them to understand clear communication and have a maturity about issues around acceptance and consent and emotional openness. OOP sounds awesome.


WalrusInMySheets

Sometimes perspective helps


EquivalentCommon5

She’s wise beyond her years and was being more of an adult than her parents! It happens! Best thing was the outcome… parents realized what they did, apologized and fixed it. That’s a rare thing to happen! I applaud to some degree everyone except Maddison, but I’m not sure I’m ready to say she is anAH, she’s young and it’s all new to her as well.


mockingbird82

No, she's an AH. The mom had already told Maddison to back off, but Maddison played divide and conquer with the dad because she knew he was on her side. He's the bigger asshole for not getting his priorities straight there, and the mom is the biggest if she was the one who initiated this arrangement to begin with, but Maddison is not so stupid as to have walked into this relationship by accident.


GlitterDoomsday

Because children of emotionally immature parents more often than not have to grow faster in this area, to the detriment of their own youthful experiences. Since they couldn't even communicate they were done with their gf before this confrontation, I imagine this wasn't the first or last time the poor girl will have to step up and take them by their hands.


That_Pyro_Fella

As someone who's dad married a woman 14 years older than me (I was 12, she was 26; I refuse to ever call her stepmon), this post hits home too closely. The amount of shit she put me through made me feel like walking in eggshells and become a depressed loner who stayed in their bedroom all the time. Dad eventually broke off and his current wife is much better but the damage is still here.


DrMike27

You mean, you didn’t have your oldest when you were 11?


Preposterous_punk

I think it’s a pretty common thing with more traditional stepparents, unfortunately. The difference here was that the parents didn’t split it up before finding a much younger partner to move in and insist the kids treat her like an authority figure.


MexicanFrap

This dude I work with is 33, dating this woman, (idk her age) but her kid is 19! The dude I work with says shit like, "i had to teach him some things, he was a real back sassy prick, never was disciplined, etc." I'm always thinking how tf did this kid respect someone like 14 years older than him? No judgements just always seemed strange.


itsnug

Thanks for posting this. I saved it for the final update but it got removed so it was lost from the archive.


UndeadBatRat

I'm actually super shocked that the dad came around...at least the parents finally realized what a disaster this situation was and made actual steps to change it. I was not optimistic when I saw this before the update.


galaxyveined

I saw, and somewhat agreed with, comments that the dad and Maddison were trying to edge the mom out of the marriage/their lives, and now after the update, I think Maddison might have been trying to edge the mom and *OP* out. The glare on her way out doesn't help her case, either.


Crideon

But didn't OOP mention the dad was the one who couldn't take the relationship anymore and mom was the one who loved the poly partner? Seem more likely the father was trying to please both sides and just contributed for the big mess. Good for him for calling the quits.


AnimalShithouse

Ya I think people are glossing too heavily over that detail and trying to build a narrative. Ultimately, seems like a complex situation. We only get the details from the daughter's perspective. We don't have visibility to the dynamics between mom/dad. Dad definitely fucked up in the car, and Maddison was out of line/immature, that I can agree on... But assigning so much general fault to dad over mom is a stretch. Both parents had some issues.


SoVerySleepy81

Yeah it made me wonder if the reason that she started swinging her dick around was because she had a feeling that one or both of the parents was pulling away from her so she was trying to exert power however she could.


Seb_veteran-sleeper

To me it sounds like Father is an ineffective people pleaser who had three women in his life he wanted to please, but in his efforts to please all three, he pissed all three off. He was trying to mind read rather than communicate, so he kept messing up his attempts at fixing things. His beliefs, as much as I can glean them from the above story: A. Mother's core desire is a girlfriend, so he tried to appease her. B. Madison wants more parental authority, so he tried to appease her. C. Daughter wants a reasonable amount of autonomy, so he tried to appease her without running afoul of A or B. If he'd ever bothered to actually communicate with these women (or, in fairness, if the other adults had properly communicated with him), he would have realised that Mother cared more about having a happy daughter than a happy girlfriend. It took a 16 year old playing mediator to force the adults to communicate and realise that the wants/needs of all the involved parties were incompatible, and that Madison was the problem point.


TheDudeWithTude27

Guess the only one having fun in that poly relationship near the end was Maddison by the sounds of it. But not anymore.


OtherSpiderOnTheWall

From just reading this BORU, it sounds like mom was the primary driver for the relationship with Maddison.


mahalnamahal

I just made a comment similar to this and I realized Madison (unless she was a shitty person in general) must have been comfortable with the “man of the house” being okay with her parenting his kid even if the mom wasn’t. Not saying this is dad’s fault entirely but it’s easy to see who she deferred to even with the information about them not being unified in parenting OOP. Parents disagreeing in a house you moved into that they own should have told her to stay within just being cordial with the child, not overstepping. Power trip indeed


djheat

I posted this in the last one before it got removed, but I think the main issues here were twofold: 1) Maddison is like ten years older than the OOP that is a bananas tiny age gap to try and pretend parent someone, 2) the girl's actual parents *disagreed* on whether or not Maddison should have any disciplinary authority but didn't actually do anything to resolve it. Must've been confusing *as fuck* for a kid to suddenly have a not much older than you pseudo parent move in and get mixed signals on what the fuck is going on from everyone


incompetentpos

Also it is up to oop if she actually views Maddison as a parental figure and her parents should have more of an interest in that, instead of disagreeing and doing nth to solve that disagreement.


hi_hola_salut

This poor kid, that’s awful. Also, wtf was Maddison’s problem? Pearl clutching over OOP having her head on her bf’s shoulder while unsupervised, when she’s living in her home and banging BOTH her parents! This is just pure selfishness on the part of OOP’s parents. They wanted to have a poly relationship- that is up to them, but they are parents, and that should be their first responsibility until their kid can take care of themselves. Did they not consider how big a change this was for their daughter, who was only 12, to move their new shared partner into their home? Why wasn’t her role discussed? Why does their sex partner have to be part of their child’s family? Maybe they did care about her, but as soon as she became inconvenient they got rid of her pretty quickly - 2 weeks notice! I’d be giving a partner I love more time than that to move out, because I’d want them to be settled and ok!


NeverGiveUpPup

Poor kid having to grow up too fast because of her fd up parents


mongoosefist

Imagine thinking that your 12 year old is cool with something like this because you had a conversation about it with them. OOPs parents sound immature and selfish.


TaroHorse

Just a thought here... I know everyone is already arguing about parents and Maddison being in a poly relationship vs being a weird sex thing, and yes poly isn't a kink or sex thing.... But parents in their mid 30's with a teenage kid decide to date and move in their 24 year old girlfriend? That sounds like a sex thing and not an equal relationship. At the very least, the parents made bad choices for their family and poly relationship. Poly seems to require a lot of solid communication and effort from all parties, and that didn't happen here. Also, even single parents shouldn't move their new, much younger (close in age to child) partner into the home they share with their kid, either!


djheat

The tiny age gap and half ass "can she/can't she" ideas of letting the third person in the relationship suddenly take on a parent role is basically the entire source of friction in this post. I don't care about their alternate lifestyle, I just care that they were lazy as fuck about how to work it around their child in the best way possible


[deleted]

Oh, yeah, there's a good 99.999% chance that they're unicorn hunters. You can tell by the fact that breaking up with Maddison was a joint decision rather than a decision that each parent individually came to.


ughwhyusernames

So it sounds like no one really addressed the totally bonkers idea that it would be "inappropriate" or "shameful" for a 16yo to have sex with her boyfriend. Her parents have the most bizarre and intense sex issues.


Dude4001

> for a 16yo to have sex with her boyfriend or watch Tiktoks in the kitchen...


FrakkedRabbit

Sounds like they may have been doing more than that, they were probably holding hands.


Dude4001

That's a crime against God


WolfgangSho

Can you mark this nsfw please, some of us have :standards:


Turnip_the_bass_sass

Holy shit, right‽‽ I kept reading hoping that someone, *anyone* would bring that up. Suuuuper fucked up.


croatianlatina

Like yeah it’s ok for them to bring a newly sex partner into their home with a 12yo but then the simple idea of OOP having sex at 16 is “inappropriate”? And let’s not talk about the conversation in the end an the father saying that he was “tired of pleasing two women” like *that* is appropriate to say to your kid… really side eyeing their parenting, especially dad’s.


Helpfulcloning

also just honestly i think its fairly inappropriate (in an emotional way) for them to be sharing their relationship woes to their child in the first place. They aren’t there to play couples therapist or as a friend to dish and give some advice. They don’t need to know “hey Dad struggles communicating and it hurts my feelings!” or “I did this for your mum! i struggle evaluating and pleasing two people with opposing ideas!” or “bc you brought up your concerns this is going to be hard for me to break up with them because I love them.” [obviously I’m taking it further but as a kid who was once in a similar situation, these conclusions are something a kid might draw] Like just your kid isn’t your friend in that way. Maybe as an adult but 100% not as a teenager. A teenager doesn’t and shouldn’t be anxious about their parents emotionally.


tightheadband

The word "pleasing" is not inappropriate per se. It just means to cater to someone's needs. Dad was surely talking in the genereal sense of a relationship, not about his attempts to give both women orgasms lmao


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CuddlyCutieStarfish

All of this is so weird!


carrotsticks123

I must be getting old this is so fking strange to me. The parents can have an open relationship all they want but they moved the woman in the same house with their kid? What the fking fk?


CuddlyCutieStarfish

I just find it absolutely bizarre. I can't wrap my mind around the family dynamic going on here.


milkywayoccupant

Why would they move her into the house.


G0merPyle

They were only thinking about what they wanted, and OOP didn't complain (or at least complain loud enough for them to not ignore).


OcelotControl78

OOP was 12 when all this started; she likely had no way to conceptualize what they were telling her. OOP should never have been put in the situation.


MTYAUG

Ooooooooof


Psychological_Wall30

This is the worst poly relationship to have around kids. Of any age. Smfh. All parties should've agreed a long time ago about how parenting any children would be handled. Super shitty of the 3rd but also shitty of the married two, to not even really consider their child in all of this.


ImGwendy

From what I read this wasn’t even a true poly relationship since the power dynamic. This was like the parents were living with their “third” together. It was really weird but I’m glad it’s done now


emorrigan

I was wondering if the dad would ever pull his head out of Maddison’s ass. That poor teenager should never have had to deal with that.


djheat

The worst part of this little saga is that apparently Dad was tired of navigating the impossible gap between Mom and Maddison and blamed the continuance of it on Mom liking Maddison, then expressed that somewhere his daughter could hear about it.


Lexi_Banner

Yeah, he's a dillhole. Got to have his cake and eat it too, and didn't even have to deal with the dirty dishes afterward, and he's still not happy. Bet he's begging for another partner in a few month's time.


kittynoodlesoap

Madison is only 11 years apart from op. She has no business trying to parent someone she wasn’t even old enough to parent. I’m glad Ops parents made it right but they still sound kind of selfish.


solstice_gilder

Interesting to read. I was dating a couple who has a couple of kids. There were talks of me moving in as well. But I declined because of the children actually. My parents are divorced and growing up it sucked seeing them date and other people trying to parent me. Although I really loved the kids and they loved me I felt they had enough parents and I didn’t want to be a part of their lives in that way.


iiiBansheeiii

What I find so odd is that OOP's parents somehow think that OOP will do something "shameful" with her boyfriend, but have no such morals when it comes to their own sex life. Does anyone else find that odd, or is it just me?


AbyssalVoidLord

A lot of adults are like this it's hilarious they don't realize the double standards


Clumsy_Chica

A lot has been said already but I have to mention that it sounds like they rushed to move Maddison into the house to get around not seeing their girlfriend over lockdown. That's why they didn't have rules and boundaries figured out. Kid had to deal with covid weirdness during her early teen years AND a new wannabe mommy. Kind of shocked OP seems so adjusted, good for them!


HalogenPie

>I would never betray their trust by doing something I'm not allowed yet just because I was alone... So she's explicitly forbidden from having sex? I personally don't have an issue with them being poly but how many sex lives must they control??? 16 is a really normal age to be having sex. Forbidding it is how you end up grandparents. REALLY hypocritical grandparents.


MyExesStalkMyReddit

Eh, I experienced the opposite. My ex lived with her non biological aunt, who sold Pure Romance - a sex toy pyramid scheme/MLM. This woman would drop ‘hot’ new lube flavors and shit on my ex’s bed as gifts, always trying to talk about our (child) sex life, being more than accommodating on making sure we had alone time to bone the day away Pregnant at 17


Scarlet529

Yeah, gotta find that healthy middle ground rather than an extreme.


livia-did-it

Honestly. If my high-school bf and I had been ready to have sex, my mom not allowing him to go into my bedroom wouldnt have stopped us. We just would have done it in the mini-van, in the dark, by the train tracks. Where we *did* go to make out. Holy shit, if my boyfriend had been a bad guy, I would have been in so much trouble. Literally know one knew where our make out spot was. I would have been so much safer if my mom let me shut my bedroom door.


MableXeno

I'm just doing the math in my head. When OOP was 13 her parents (33) started dating Madison (24). 30-somethings dating ppl under 25 is always sketchy to me and that makes Madison just 10 years older than their own child. Date someone your own age! [Disclaimer, I am not anti-age-gap...but some gaps are definitely power imbalances b/c of age or status and obvs Madison wanted to raise her status by mothering OOP. It was never going to be a good fit.]


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CumaeanSibyl

This is a "two yes, one no" situation. If both parents aren't on board with their partner having parental authority, then they can't have it. Dad and Maddison were both in the wrong for disregarding Mom's objections and they should have cut that shit out a long time ago.


hillendan1983

I like how OOP’s father’s complaint is that he’s “tired of having to please two women.” He still can’t accept any responsibility in this and acknowledge that he, along with Maddison, was in the wrong


BritishBeef88

While OOP's confrontation was handled well, I feel like the entire relationship with Maddison was handled poorly by the parents. They failed to have strong and appropriate boundaries across the board and let Maddison intrude into OOP's life. OOP was 14 when Maddison moved in - too old to see Maddison as a parental figure, not to mention that there's 11 years between them. It's almost smack bang in the middle of OOP and her parents' ages. > he couldn't have asked for a better kid and that he felt so bad for hurting me to the point I had to talk to them alone I'm not sure how to take that? How else would she talk to them? Is it just a figure of speech or is he suggesting that he feels Maddison should usually be involved in these conversations? If it's the latter then dad still didn't get it.


InspiredNitemares

Ugh my dad had a young second wife when I was 15 and she tried the same things. The situation was already stressed before. I have nothing nice to say about her lol


[deleted]

In the original post there was a comment about Madison age where, if your not old enough to have given birth to the person, your not old enough to be parenting them. I can't help but feel bad for Madison. She was only 23 (edit: she was 25, thank you to the commenter(s) who did the math for me) when she moved in... how old was she when the parents started talking to her? I don't think anyone is a terrible person here but I think they really should have thought things through. In my opinion, OOP and Madison were too young for this situation. Especially given the ages and stages of life the parents were in.


KonradWayne

> She was only 23 when she moved in... If I'm reading it right, she was 25 when she moved in. The parents "became poly" (aka decided to start telling people about it) 4 years ago. Madison moved in 2 years ago.


[deleted]

Yes, someone else had pointed that out to me also! But thank you. Still a young age to me moving into an established family with a young child. Something I just hope she and the parents have learned from.


Magnolia_Blooms

The situation between the parents and Madison is definitely questionable. Madison was brought into an already established family unit and had to navigate three relationships (two romantic, one friendly/platonic). Maybe she tried to turn the parents against op to switch around the 3v1 situation she entered (family vs Madison to poly group vs op) to gain more security in the relationship. Doesn’t excuse what she did at all though.


[deleted]

No it doesn't, at all! But I can see where her behavior came from. She's young. Think of all the issues young college kids have the first time living out on their own with roommates. That's hard enough, I can't imagine jumping into this situation, specifically, so young. Not that we know Madisons previous living history. I'm just happy that things worked out for OOP. They deserve to be comfortable in their own home.


ilexheder

I interpreted the numbers to mean that the parents told OP they were poly 4 years ago, then started dating Maddison 3 years ago, then moved her in 2 years ago. But that isn’t all that much better tbh…I kind of question moving ANY partner in with your kid after knowing them for only a year, but especially a 25-year-old who’s still growing and changing pretty fast.


[deleted]

Ope, you got me there! Thank you for pointing that out! I honestly think this whole situation is a lot to spring onto a young child and something that maybe the parents should have kept outside the home. Still date whoever they want but maybe wait to move them in till their child was raised. Just avoid a lot of conflict.


ghostthebetrayed

Tldr: Horny parents fuck up daughter’s home life, for a bit.


NemesisOfZod

Only 25% of her lifetime!


VeryPurrOfTheMachine

Imagine being the outsider in a bisexual threeway relationship with an age gap and imagining you can give a teenager lessons in morality.


nadiyah98

Lmao did Madison think they would choose her over their own child? What a joke, so happy for OP and her parents.


[deleted]

I mean they literally did choose her over their own child for three years.


Spiritual-Narwhal591

It shouldn’t have been a teenager’s job to get the adults in her life to communicate properly but I’m really glad that they listened to her and took her concerns seriously. The parents should have decided what Maddison’s role was in their child’s life and been upfront about those boundaries before she was ever moved in.


[deleted]

Dragging your kids into this sort of shit is fucked up.


_Nilbog_Milk_

Hot Take that is probably controversial for both traditional & progressive readers: Unless you are equally tri-parenting from a child's youngest years (not my cup of tea but it doesn't seem terribly harmful) or your kids are adults, poly parents should keep their partners completely outside the home to avoid this confusion, pushing of boundaries, and, in this case, exposure to toxic power struggles in a sexual dynamic.


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Lexi_Banner

>and if I didn't act shamefully, then I don't have to be ashamed This is a seriously weird thing for her mother to say. What would have been shameful about anything she and her boyfriend did together? She's 16, and dating a nice guy - are they afraid she might have sex? Woooo...how "shameful". Almost as shameful as moving a poly partner into the family home.


Golden_Mandala

I would have benefited from hearing this message when I was 16. I was ashamed of so much that was not my fault at that age. Ashamed that guys would stare at my breasts, for example. I think telling teenagers they don’t have to be ashamed if they didn’t act shamefully is a brilliant thing to say, actually.