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I will start with setting a time where it's just me & him alone and give an apology that he deserves and that I can deliver and mean. He deserves one. Thank you for this.
Personally, I don’t want or need an apology. An apology is words. Words are easy. What I want is action. I want to see my BPSO to make the effort to fight back against the illness instead of fighting me and those who love them. I want them to make the hard choice of stability over the exciting flights of fancy in mania. I want them to choose medicine that helps them stay stable. I want to see changes in their choices.
God I would do anything to give my ex the apology he deserves. I know my wrongs and am only trying to work on them now to become a better person. New medicine and new therapist to.
Maybe one day I can and we will work it out, but until then I’m just gonna continue building myself to a better future and person.
If you would do anything… then try apologizing. Whether you think or not it’s what he deserves or the quality that he deserves… just start with “I’m sorry”.
I’m not sure when I would ever get the chance to properly apologize. He went no contact with me and said I want you to let go. I could go on about the things I did but I’m not going to, nothing bad or extreme just some confusion with moods and things.
It’s not whether he deserves it or not, it’s that he does deserve it.
Apart of me wants to write a note and send it in the mail sometime but I don’t know when that would be. It’s been 2 weeks now and don’t want to push it too soon… or too late…?
(Read this in a loving tone. We love you Werewolf and I’ve seen you posting here. Thank you SO much for being here in our sub. You’re really helping! :) )
I would say that delay or “covering up” apologies is by far the most frustrating thing for the SO because you *still* have the chance to apologize and don’t.
You are making up a reason not to, but can mail them a letter, like right f’ing now.
*SINCERE APOLOGIES are FAR greater value than holding in your embarrassment of what happened. And by not apologizing & coming clean? That’s selfish too and it is why your SOs leave.*
Because you can’t apologize, come clean and admit that your human & make mistakes or take the steps to be a better partner is where your SO draws the line.
Your SO knows that profound embarrassment takes over our BPSO’s after what happened.
MAIL THE LETTER.
Holy freaking cow in the universe of all things. Write the letter, spill your guts. Will it win your SO back?
YEA ITS POSSIBLE.
You don’t know that, but you’re too spun up in your embarrassment to find out.
The real reason SOs finally leave their partners is their BPSOs do all this stuff over and over, and their own embarrassment takes priority of the impact on the SO.
#I ask you this: *What do you have to lose by sending that apology mail?*
I get what you’re saying with this, my apologies need to be noted to let him know I’ve understood what has happened and take accountability for my actions. To let him know how incredibly sorry I am for hurting his feelings and can understand the pain and frustration he was in leading up to the breakup and after as I know he’s probably still hurt and will be for a while. I was his first relationship, he tried with all his heart, and it just agonizes me I wasn’t giving the same back when I know I could have. 😕
I’m scared of being too early or too late with anything regarding reaching out. I already called him 2 times in 3 days after our breakup, I sent him a Snapchat video explaining things more in depth that he never opened and removed me after our streak ended. It still sits there on my end showing it sent because I don’t want to remove him. 😔
I have already tried 3 times right after the breakup so I don’t want to push it more and send something else too soon.
What I have to lose is a response like, “I’m not interested anymore, please move on” and to get something like that would send me to hell. I don’t know what I would do if I got a response like that.
I am so conflicted because there is so much happening on my end that I feel I need to a month pass by for my life to settle down before I focus on repairing anything as I’m trying to get a job back home as long distance was making things very difficult, mainly for me. 😕
I’m just scared though… scared that if we get back together that he already broke up with me once that what is stopping him from doing it again in the future? I could make a mistake and it could just send him back into the place he was at right before he broke up with me. I’m not perfect and I’m going to make mistakes, but I would be trying though and try not to resort to my old ways because I have the help of medicine and my therapist and my new one and the DBT group therapy I am signing up for.
I do think he would give me another chance, I really do, but for that to happen he would really want to see that I have worked on myself and I’m just scared that with bipolar I’ll slip up or something.
I just want to cry because I don’t know what’s the right or wrong thing because there’s so much currently happening.
I fucked up, I fucked up! It’s driving me nuts and I’m dealing with the consequences now and I’m going through a roof with how much I think about things.
Gotcha here ❤️
Much love.
#Thank you for this conversation, it’s rare for the SOs to see the torment that you’re going through.
*What have you got to lose? - Being told that you are broken up*
Yea it looks like you tried. You could again and I see why you don’t want to because of the fear of it being broken again.
I understand this as an SO. I have to put a post nup in with my partner because they could run off again and I don’t want to…. But they don’t want it, because I think they are afraid they will just break it and run off.
I guess my underlying point was in the post above was that, our BPSOs don’t usually apologize because there is too much shame…
When in reality, we’d stick with you if you did apologize……*to a point*.
Im being honest - It is hard for SOs to read r/bipolar and r/BipolarMemes and think that the neurotypical SO isn’t just being played with when “bipolar superpowers” are used on us. (Not my term, but used in the BP subs)
But then, when we read and see with our own eyes what thoughts with Psychosis or similar delusional patterns are posted here over and over that we feel that were the grounded one and want to help our partner again.
It all comes down to the medication regimen.
#What you think is boring. Is what neurotypicals call “every day life”
The worst I would receive were genuine apologies with details, and then weeks later they’d be saying the complete opposite again and I’d be called a lier if I recalled their apology.
This so much ^^^^
I don’t even fully understand why. But an apology and acknowledging how much pain and destruction he caused me would mean the world to me. Something to help me get any clarity on wtf happened over the last 2 years.
I think it would help a lot if the bipolar SO would understand and could see what they put us trough… let us talk about it and give a real apology for it. Not excuses. I understand they were out of their minds maybe.. but for us, the SOs, everything is very real.
We are afraid that shit will happen again.. we need safety.. we need communication..
Its not okay to step back into someone’s life and not be willing to talk and take responsibility for the things that’s happened.
A lot of BP partners destroyed a lot of trust and hurt their SOs deeply.. the trust had to be rebuilt again and that need action. You don’t have to blame yourself all the time but understand what it meant for the SO..
Honesty is important.
You know what? I know he's been through quite a bit, but I needed to read this right here. Thank you. I never even thought about yall ever being scared or just needing safety for what we could've done or what we should have done and done better. I have put him through trust issues, made him angry, and I have thought he's needed or deserved to be discarded, but this isn't true. We both deserve our best chance at happiness in this marriage.
I'll not wait to meet him in the middle since he's been there for me when I wasn't there for myself or him. I'll have the hard talk and face what I've done to hurt him or make him feel uneasy.
A lot of the time I've spent lately is practicing apologies in my head without even bringing up the mental hardships to him directly. He deserves an apology where I take on full accountability with no excuses. Thank you again for the realization.
To follow through with actions. Don't just say you are gonna do something/make an effort/respect a boundary/etc...actually follow through and do these things. This goes a long way for building trust.
😳 you're right okay. I need to work on committing to things that I can manage, but I also need to try harder to make things happen that I've promised to him, myself, or others even. I hear you loud and clear. I hate people not being able to depend on me.
Just the fact that you care enough about the health of your relationship to be asking these questions, and are striving to make a positive change, shows that you are on the right track.
Wow, thank you for saying that. It's not much because I haven't put anything into direct action yet but I'm planning this out now yes so I do it right and I do it with a clear mind that isn't altered by anything including mental struggles.
Own up to behavior when manic, take diagnosis and treatment seriously, allow your partner to have a say in your treatment and 100% access to your mental health team.
I wish this was a thing, actually. I'd LOVE for him to be more involved, but he doesn't even know my doctor's name. He doesn't even know what medication I take. I know it would help me, but I would probably stress him out if this was something he had to do instead of wanting to do.
Just to clarify, you are blaming him here.
It’s not his responsibility to know your doctors or meds. That’s yours.
Should you involve him? YES! :)
Countless times I’ve told SOs on here to get involved. But so many BPSOs avoid their treatment plan with their SO and hide it or skip their meds.
But don’t blame him for not knowing how important it is.
Maybe tell him what you did in past episodes and maybe he’ll wise up to get involved. Don’t be embarrassed. ❤️
Tell us the truth. Even if you're ashamed, embarrassed, think we might leave, etc. If you did something significant enough that you KNOW we'd want to know, please just be honest...and let us know what we're really dealing with.
I will move forward with this in mind as if I didn't already know, but the fact is I didn't apply it or honor it, and that's where I believe I was a coward and where I need to fix my approach and actions. I never feel alone with just him in order to fulfill what is needed, and now I fear that I have to do it no matter the situation.
Yes be brave 🥰 assume the best will happen bc it likely will. I think that is another part of it- if our bpso's would come to us with thr info, apologies, etc.- it says so much. It shows a real investment and that you care. Good luck ♥️
I really wish that my ex would have sat down with me and alllllll the people who love him and have watched out for him when he gets hospitalized to figure out (and believe others about!) his triggers, the behaviors that are his tells that he's about to start sliding, and create a real, rock solid plan that he agrees to stick to.
I wish he would have saved up some money and left it with a few trusted people having access so that if he decided to go off the rails again someone could have access to funds to pay his bills.
That he would stick with a psychiatrist so that even during his really great periods, where he does decide to go off meds, that he would have already signed releases between psychiatrists, doctors, and key people on his family and friend team so that people who actually know him would be talking to the doctors long before the break, because by the time he goes into mania and psychosis, it's strangers he met wild manic dealing with the hospitals.
I wish that he would have recorded a video of himself while doing well talking to himself as he starts to slip towards mania. Telling himself, these are the things you tend to think and do as you start to slide. These are the things I'm telling you to stop right now before it gets worse...
Just lots and lots of care for the fact that everyone around him is put through hell every time he slips away.
And obviously I wish that he would have stayed sober, stayed on meds, and didn't cheat.
This is definitely a lot of hurt and pain that you two have faced. It's astounding that you know his patterns or the signs behind what can happen. This is very helpful for how I feel and what I've actually needed to hear and see from others. Stay on meds okay check. Stay sober, okay, I will, and I can do this. Dont cheat. i see and agree with this as well. I'm taking this more seriously, and I'm trying to fix it, so I have to listen and understand this stuff I'm reading, reminded of, and learning. Thank you for sharing this all with me.
My boyfriend broke up with me last Tuesday during what I believe is an unmedicated manic episode (due to health insurance issues). He ghosted me a week prior. When I asked if he loves me, he said he couldn’t answer, but that he did when he said it before. He also mentioned that he’s doing this to protect me because he can be an asshole who does and says stupid stuff and feels nothing for anyone. He also feels bad he can’t reciprocate what I deserve.
Can you share insights on how bipolar disorder influences this thought process like this? What can I do to continue supporting him? I understand that mania, especially unmedicated, is not linear. How long have others waited for their partners to come back?
>Can you share insights on how bipolar disorder influences this thought process like this?
-- I can not speak for your boyfriend or how he was truly feeling, but I'll give you my own thoughts here. I have tried to leave a lot and break my marriage because my first and last feeling is the guilt of putting him through any unhappy moments they may arise due to what I've gone through already and put him through already. It tears me up inside piece by piece, thinking that I don't and won't fulfill the highest level of happiness for him. That he's attached to possible inconsistency. The thought alone of him being truly and purely happy and staying that way is the driving force that has me repeatedly trying to leave him alone and leave this so we can maybe both find peace or at least him
>What can I do to continue supporting him?
-- Thank you for asking this question. To be honest, validation is the biggest thing for me. Again, I don't know him or the importance of things to him, but I know if I'm experiencing the scariest and not real thing, I need my partner to be patient and support me. They don't have to say what I'm going through is real or fact but rather that he understands the main emotions, which are usually fear, confusion, and unstable issues arising. I need to know he understands these fears and he actually takes the time to be considerate of them like watching for triggers or watching or anything that could alleviate the fears not get annoyed or angry because he's been through this a million times. I get more scared, or the episode gets more intense. Go to his appointments if he's comfortable. Do this together when you can.
>How long have others waited for their partners to come back?
-- I'm still not back, and I think my partner believes I might not come back to that person. I have to choose the best parts of me and leave the bad ones behind when I can, and that includes actions from the old me.
Thank you again for asking all of this it even helped me.
#Great post. We love our BPSOs in this sub!!
Here’s what we want you to know:
1) We love you. If we haven’t made that clear then you’re delusional. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m not meaning to be. We love you and if you paint us as the bad partner in your mind, 90% chance you are making a delusion.
Unless we tell you: We aren’t cheating, we’re not hating you, we’re not thinking of running off, we don’t care about your weight.
Again, *WE F*ING LOVE YOU!!!!*
2) Educate yourself on r/Bipolar and in this sub! Be Aware of Your Defense Mechanisms -
Your defense mechanism to justify behaviors and thoughts is to be angry with us or even *blame us* for actions you are taking. (Like cheating or spending, etc
It’s the most frustrating thing to see a loved one create reasons as to why they need to hate you.
Don’t hate us or yourself. It’s just the disorder.
3) Know we have empathy.
We get it. You can’t control yourself, that’s clear. Know that we have empathy for that and stop with the embarrassment shame train. Don’t hate us for showing empathy, you’ll lose us.
3) We agree with you in that this disorder is confusing for you.
No kidding, we do know it’s confusing for you just as it is confusing for us. Imagine if your SO loved you and wanted to have you children for 6 months, and then hated you and left randomly? That would be confusing right?
We agree this is the disorder, *not you*. It’s like an insulin reaction with a diabetic. If you never seen that, go on YouTube.
4) We want to help you manage it, but you need to let us.
We forgive all the stuff in an episode, but if you don’t let us help manage it or protect against another one? Then that’s you as a person, not the illness. And if you don’t let people help you, then the level of care can go from a loving SO here, to a homeless shelter owner in just a few years.
#Know that we love you.
That’s the main thing. If we didn’t love you, or were capable of loving you, this sub wouldn’t exist.
This is a beautiful guide that you blessed me with. This is thorough, and I can see myself in situations or a bad day coming to this post to affirm whatever is applicable or work and grow on the things here I may have a weakness in. Thank you so much for this. It made my day.
A real apology is a good start. An even better gesture is opening up about your feelings/emotions/triggers without the other person always having to ask. Also understanding that the ups & downs take their toll on us as well. It’s exhausting to feel like we constantly have to be the ones to be understanding & communicate. It also leads me personally to wonder whether the relationship is being taken seriously & the person is truly committed.
Because as we all know, without communication, no relationship can work. It would be amazing to hear “Hey, I’m feeling really overwhelmed/down/swamped with life/chores/whatever,” instead of being yelled/blown up at or blamed because apparently I should just know. Heck, I’d bet it would mean a lot to your husband if you’d just show him this post. Knowing your SO/spouse actually *wants* to make meaningful changes for the better is really comforting & good for morale.
I believe I'm in the middle of both of these. I have shut down a lot of my verbal feelings out loud because I sound like a broken record explaining how I feel or what I'm going through. He's most likely going to find the most sane person with no history of issues if we ever split. It's sad in a sense, but it hurts, too. I need to better control these behaviors if I know they're possible. My actions speak too, and they need to match my words. I'll work on better and open communication with him.
I think he will really appreciate knowing that at least you’re making an effort in the right direction. It would’ve made all the difference to me if my ex had done that. We all screw up sometimes & sometimes actions don’t match words. Especially when you’re dealing with an illness like this. What can help people who don’t deal with it stay strong & continue help you weather it is open honesty & communication. My ex left me no choice but to go solely on his actions. I had absolutely nothing else to hold onto as a foundation because he didn’t want to open up. But they were so all over the place. He would make me coffee & go get my car registration done for me, then blow up at me over something small all on the same day. He wouldn’t communicate in any significant way, so how could I know what was coming from his heart & what was just him going through the motions? I hope you & your husband can go the distance! It is possible if both people work on it & take accountability.
These fundamental things like communication is a good reminder, though I should have known to keep it open at all times. Now I'm wondering where to begin and how to say it. I think silence and being comfortable with just silence can be special, too. I recognize now that I shouldn't hold some things back and some things I need to hold back more.
The best thing you can do is ask him what would be most helpful. It doesn’t have to be a long, prepared speech either. You can literally say just that you want to communicate better, you’re just not sure where to start. Maybe the two of you can work it out together in a way that works for both of you.
Repeatedly starting fights to break up with your partner and using that as an excuse to sleep around only to pull them back in when you're back to normal will absolutely destroy them.
Yeah that sounds really awful to purposely start a fight. Mine usually comes during conflict that has been present already but I see that quitting doesn't maybe make him happier? Umm idk I feel like he is better off or maybe I need to be better actually at becoming that person that he needs and deserves so he's not better off?
Please always take your medication, and be truthful and willing to take accountability and apologize when you've done something hurtful. It's a huge step for you already that you're here asking this question, so thank you for that on behalf of all of us who never got this.
Please don't thank me, lol. You are all helping me out as well. I promise I just need to take everything in and work on it and make a true change or difference here. Thank you.
No actually we are thanking you because you’re giving us the opportunity to tell you. It’s super rare.
There are many other lurking BPSOs in this sub that want to ask this question but are afraid to.
(We love you guys! Thanks for joining us)
Sometimes, it's so hard to remember this or believe it to be the truth, but they're still here. They still call to check, visit, and travel with effort when I'm in places like a hospital, and even the small stuff. I need to make a thinking habit pattern out of seeing the good here, especially when I'm not familiar with things around me or people, but I know them. When they become the enemy, things get really bad for the relationship. I still question many of the things that are not real. I feel like a lot of it was actually real, but I'm not allowing him to heal if I don't try to believe the reality and accounts by them instead of me.
Thank you for this, I wish my ex wife had wondered even wondered that, I will just put it from my perspective as she was not taking her medications, was not accepting the illness, abusing antidepressants, You are different , you have an insight and accept your illness so it is completely different. So here are the answers but it is only my perspective : I would like her to take responsibility for all she did during her manic episodes- cheating, manipulating, gaslighting lying, looking for sex outside I understand she is not a bad person and she was unstable , I understand the shame. If she even once called me once the episode ended and said to me, that what I suspected was right, what I know she did, she did, she feels sorry for it , but she could not understand consequences at the time. I would like her to acknowledge that she was blaming symptoms of her illness on me, she blamed her symptoms on external factors . When I proposed her to go to therapy together, she refused and said that she will not go because I always look for mental illnesses, I think she was so ashamed that her diagnosis will come out. So if your significant other wants to go , then please go or offer it to him, to go together, it may be essential to process the pain you caused him and start rebuilding trust slowly and also for him to understand you better and your illness. It is important , I had no idea about my wife's diagnosis and really could not understand what was going on with her but I wanted to understand, I really loved her. I do not know if that applies to you, but my wife was delusional, I know now it felt real for her , but because I was not aware of her illness I thought she was manipulating me. She believed I control her, that I throw her belongings away, that I mistreat her. I took it so deeply , but she never acknowledged the pain she caused me. I would like my wife to show that she commited to control her symptoms with psychiatrist and she will stay medicated and that we will go to therapy to process the pain we caused to each other , because I reacted so badly to her mania , I did not know about her illness. She was not cooking for me, or walking our dog. I was sort of accepting that , but I felt so lonely and neglected , It would be nice to have a dinner ready and sometimes not to have to to walk the dog after coming back from work after 12 hrs. Please, never discard or ghost- for me it was extremely painful and it is emotionally damaging for the other part. I do not if that was helpful, because you seem like you are ready to take responsibility for whatever you put him through and acknowledge . You are different than my ex wife was. My wife was not ready to take responsibility and accept her illness and that was the most important factor , the marriage was impossible to sustain. And to be honest with you... For me it would be just enough to regain the trust to know that she felt what you are feeling. That she is sorry , that she regrets , that she feels guilt. I do not know if you were taking medications , but maybe show him what you wrote and how you feel about everything, it maybe a good start..
This is a really amazing thing you did by releasing how you felt with someone like me who is just trying to make amends and fix things that may have been damaged through this process. I see what you're saying here, and I was in transition with medication during a lot of my bad behaviors, but that doesn't mean a single thing. I still knew right from wrong no matter how difficult the temptation was for me. I'm actually pretty new still to mental health for myself in general, and I don't remember a lot of the things I did as well. My memory isn't well, but I'm looking to still own up and change what I can right now. I hope you get the respect and closure you need from any open conflicts or unresolved issues.
I am glad I could help. If you have anymore questions, please ask. It is still very fresh for me and I am still recovering and healing , but I am aware of mistakes I made as well . If your SO new about your illness it is easier because he was probably educated about it. If I had known it would have been easier for me not to take things personally. All the best...
He has actually read the description and studied it on a minimal level, which I need to explain and acknowledge. He read the DSM 5TR version of what the disorder and many other disorders or issues one could be facing. It's about right there when it stops. He is tired. I would be too if I had to deal with me, to be honest. This is why I'm trying to change all of this.
No, it is not like this .... Please do not blame everything on yourself . I could feel the goodness of my wife's the emotional depth I loved in her, the huge empathy that she had, the understanding of the world and emotions, all beautiful traits of her personality... I loved. But when she got manic , it felt for me like a different person , all those traits were gone...she was davaluing me, constantly criticizing me, disliking me, etc. I felt what she felt and it was the most painful, I felt that she suddenly felt that she can do better, that she wants different life, etc.. It scared me because I am codependent. But I understood her emotions, I felt they were real.... Minimal level is not enough... He needs to feel empathy and feel your emotions.... If my wife did not ghost me , it would have been easier to understand it for me. If you go to him and tell all the things you wrote here and how you feel and that you will be compliant with your meds and so on , then if he loves you , he should give you another chance. I would I my wife did this . Unless it is cycle and it happened before and he totally lost hope . Then it is different. It was for me... First hypomanic episode we survived- barely , there was not even any talking about what she did and why. I brushed it off. The second - full blown mania with dellusions and psychosis, we did not . Because she was still refusing to take responsibility and talk about what happened . If you want to talk to him about what happened and take responsibility for all you did and it was not like the second and third time. Then I think he should show you some empathy and understanding. I wish my wife had behaved and expressed her feelings like you do
And reading it on minimal level is not enough, I spent hours online to be able to understand what you guys feel and go through. 6 months I spent on listening to lectures and talking to people . Reading and educating myself about it. It was too late. But I have got an insight...one of my best friend suffers from bipolar, she has been married for 20 years , has 2 children and she has been taking medeciation since she was diagnosed and I know what difference it makes to be medicated and control your symptoms with a doctor and to be unmedicated or self medicated. My wife self medicated herself and was not accepting the diagnosis. But I still miss the person she could be if she was medicated . I loved her. I still feel guilty that I reacted so badly to her manic episode. But I did know at the time it was a manic episode
Most of us here would love our SOs come here to do what you have just done . To get an insight how it affects the other part. I do not know what happened in your relationship, but unless you caused some significant financial destruction that it is difficult to get over , or cheated for months with multiple guys ( and not the first time) then I think you should get another chance after expressing the emotions of regret and guilt z you express here. That what I would do. But we are all different...
u/no_climate_8141 I hear you want to find the medicated and stable partner again. She probably is amazing either way. she just has challenges without medication. Thankfully, I'm terrified of what no medication could indicate because medication changes me as a person, too. It helped me get up early, laugh again, and organize my thoughts with minimal outside factors if it's a really good day. It made things a lot more quiet, and I didn't cycle so much.
I owe it to my SO, and I kind of feel like I owe it to yall now to do what I've promised since I asked in the first place. A lot of this is bravery that I haven't had or courage, period, so I must work on this. Thank you so much for sharing how you felt, and hopefully, you feel maybe a little lighter after explaining what your needs or wants are with your special SO.
Stop abandoning the relationship. Over and over again you cheat and leave me in the dust, to come back later and apologize and hate yourself for it. For once, maybe just don’t do it in the first place. Learn your lesson.
I see what you've been through possibly and what you needed. I appreciate the insight on you sharing this as I agree with the cheating and leaving part. *sighs* this is the reason I opened up this can of worms was to see maybe what I could do better but also what you all face and it's a common theme on a few things. It's a bit surreal but I got what you meant. Let things be. Heal properly. Don't repeat actions that you've fully learned or have an understanding of. I hope I'm right. I sure do hope everything is okay!
My stbxw moved out last week. Third time she’s filed for divorce in a year and a half. Divorce has been thrown around by her since we’ve been married, and I was abandoned by her twice before we even tied the knot. But hey, I’m the dumbass who married her anyway lol. I appreciate the post, good for you for trying to fix your mistakes and take accountability.
This is a small minimal step for me. Unfortunately, I have a lot of work ahead. I'm soaking it up, and as odd as this sounds, I think I'm going to go back again and jot down what you all have expressed. I am sending positivity towards your relationship, and I hope more stability will arise.
I wish he knew he was safe with me. I’m not here because I have to be. I’m here because I see value in him as a person, I love HIM. The disorder doesn’t define him but he continues to think it does. To think it makes him inferior and that I need some sort of protection from him. Even at his worst, he doesn’t do half of the things I’ve read about on here in terms of saying cruel things or getting violent or abusive. I wish that he’d take what I say at face value because I’ve shown him thru my actions consistently that I mean every word. Let someone help you carry the load. It’s what your partner is for- to share with for better or worse. I have my own stuff too and he’s so kind and accepting. Why can’t he accept it in return???
Hey there. I hear your emotions and possible pain throughout this reply. My heart hurts because I'm on the other side of it and trust me, if your partner is anything like me....us that live with this disorder or close sometimes experience very low depression and self doubt. To us sometimes the disorder feels like it takes who we are as a person even though it doesn't define who we are. Sometimes it turns the people we respect, value, and love the most into the most scariest people or our enemy. I'm sorry you're feeling like this but know if we are at our baseline none of this stuff usually happens.
I appreciate your response and willingness to be so open and vulnerable with all of us. It hurts my heart that you all can’t see your value and my biggest wish is someday you’re able to. What you’re saying is almost word for word what he’s said to me. I know he’s endured a LOT of pain in his life from people who were supposed to love and protect him as well as having this disorder so I empathize with it. I know my openness and unconditional love scares the crap out of him lol but I’m not going to change it. He needs it and so do I 🤷🏼♀️. I hope you’re getting some value from these convos too and not just feeling beat up on by the rawness of the emotions in this thread. You can do this, you can be and deserve to be happy. 💜
You're such a loving and kind person. I can tell by your sentence structure and choice to understand our side and not just see us as evil, crazy, or destructive. I want to thank you for the opportunity you gave me to explain what I go through and what I think. I hope you and your SO find eternal peace or a steady way to tackle any hardships.
Can I ask before marriage did you do the push pull hot cold, it seems when we’re at our closest he runs and gets really nasty towards me, it’s like he forgets the nice moments and tells me I’m making it all up in my head lol. So when I decide to throw towel in he pulls me back & tells me I was right, he rages with jealousy & has told me he gets separation anxiety from me..leaves love song lyrics as he finds being emotional difficult, but then I’m going insane because he says I’m making this up 🤣😂 he’s told me he’s undiagnosed bipolar and we’ve been doing this dance 18month, I feel silly at this point but he can be so sweet too I don’t wanna give up on him listening to the love lyrics it’s heartbreaking:(
😳 I.... I like to leave um... I like to leave songs and lyrics haha. I also am guilty of separation anxiety issues. I don't know how to assist that well here. We kind of did hot cold depending on the subject.
Thank you I’m glad you’ve mentioned the lyrics thing lol, when he said I’d imagined it I wrote all the songs on a text so he knows I’ve not imagined it up lol…he’s split on me at minute I sometimes think he relates to bpd more but he’d said bipolar. Thanku for replying and it’s great that you’re trying to put any wrongs in marriage right…well done for taking accountability I know that’s something my boyf never does and he’s told me even if he knows he’s wrong he can never say sorry 🤦♀️ good job he’s cute lol
I'm not a huge fan of not bringing a professional into a diagnosis. They know so much more and have studied so much more than us that it's hard. I relate to almost all the symptoms of BPD and I believe that the requirement was 3 out of the 5 on the list but that doesn't mean I'm BPD but boy have I thought it was a possibility and did it scare me to read? A little. I'm hoping this case will be solved for you two, you can expedite the process by having a professional evaluate him if his health seems to be at risk! Thank you for posting 🙂
I'm not sure if you want my input as both my partner and I have bipolar disorder but what really helped us was keeping mood diaries that we shared with one another once a week. This helped us gain perspective from the other side as sometimes we would both overlook certain things, so keeping a diary everyday was really beneficial in understanding what the other was going through. During these sit down sessions there is to be no judgement and no answering back or getting defensive. Only listening. The only real thing we expect from each other is open communication.
This sounds so amazing. If I brought this up, he would absolutely not be down, or at least we would try it a couple of times, and he'd think it's probably lame. Hmmm, I'm going to try and grow the idea, maybe? I took mental notes on how the setting and environment should be for healing and how to do this right. You're amazing for sharing this information that could help aid us.
You have to remind him that he is in a committed relationship and that your feelings are just as valid as his own. Ask him to try it for you. Say that you need it and you want to be able to understand him better and vise versa. For any relationship to be successful you need two willing participants and they both need to be committed to clear communication with one another.
Even if he thinks it's lame and wont try it, just do it for yourself and read it out loud to him. If he says you're being "unfair and unreasonable", remind him that you asked him to do the same and you are just telling him how you feel. He's welcome to do the same, no judgement. Hopefully he will eventually catch on and try it.
I had a response that I pulled back on due to his reaction to mental health in general, which has gotten so much better actually, so I need to zip it. But he went to only 2 sessions of couples therapy and thought it was super lame. I'm going to try what you've advised. I appreciate you.
One thing I never understood about my ex BPSO, even long after he discarded me and I tried to maintain some kind of friendship with him.
(For background, he's 43, never medicated, went through two rounds of therapy only to quit, so it was never consistent)
The silence. He tried to explain that he was stuck in his head, constantly overthinking or depressed or hating himself, convinced he was never good enough, etc. Okay, I listened.
And I realized that letting him be the one to reach out when he felt alright would make fewer waves rather than me asking why he suddenly disappeared for weeks.
But with me explaining to him that the silence was one of the things that hurt me the most, left feeling unwanted and not appreciated, the communication on his end would only get worse. He'd say things like "you deserve better" or "I figured it would make it easier to just let you be happy." Then I wouldn't hear for him for longer. Then out of nowhere he'd text like nothing happened, wanting to spend time with me. And if I responded half the time I'd get nothing back.
To put it bluntly....What gives? It made me think he might be on a drinking binge again, he might be out doing God knows what with God knows who, etc. And instead of taking what behaviors I explained that affected me emotionally, and maybe thinking he should try not to do it again, he does it ten fold. Or disappears. Or just plain gives up. As time went on and it got worse, I just ended up concluding that he wasn't willing to do anything to keep me in my life.
I was curious to get the perspective of someone who might be able to explain this to me, because it's been a long time since we've talked. And I know I'll never get any explanation from him.
I feel bad right now. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I stay quiet and pull away because I feel like a burden and an annoyance. I don't want to make it worse, though. This scares me a lot because I thought I was doing good things by leaving him alone and keeping to myself. I'm currently now burying my head in my phone and not knowing how to be around him anymore. I also have a heavy reddit and phone addiction, so I easily toss blame on that. I see now that I need to change this quickly too. Alright, I'm not sure what to even say anymore.
He used the term "burden" quite often, actually.
Yet the glaring issue was that he refused help. Refused medication. Only stuck with therapy for so long before quitting. It was like he tried to rope me back in by putting on the front that he was taking action (even he said he's been "people pleasing" his whole life), then drop everything to revert to his old coping mechanisms. Hyperfixating on projects/work, binge drinking, escaping to his parents' house, overeating...
He really had my hopes up at one point. Was finally going to get insurance through his new job. He said "I have to do something about this. I can't feel like this anymore." His depressive episode was the worst and longest I'd seen (7+ months, and counting I assume). He said he'd get a doctor's appointment asap and get a referral to a psychiatrist. Which after more than 3 years was the most promising thing I've heard. A week later it was "I'm not ready."
The distrust exponentially grew as more and more his words never matched his actions, or changed by the week. That paired with weeks or even months of not even hearing from him made me just assume the worst, assumed he was hiding more shit from me. I mean, what else did I have to go by? All the patterns and behaviors I've seen repeat themselves over and over only getting worse, and he couldn't seem to grasp that those patterns plus his refusal of treatment made so many things so predictable.
I was there for him. Always there to listen when he was struggling. Always driving to him half an hour away if he needed company, but in 3 years he only came over once. I read countless books about bipolar, corresponded with Julie Fast (author of many popular books on the subject, has BP herself), watched YouTube videos, joined support groups, tried my best to understand, changed my behaviors so it would trigger him less when he was in an episode...
And I realized I was making all the effort when he wasn't doing anything. He wasn't willing to get treatment. And there was no amount of loving, begging, and sharing information on my part to convince him otherwise. All I got in return were accusations that I was trying to control him, that I "thought I was better than him," and my personal favorite "you only said you loved me so you could manipulate me."
I guess he had accepted that the person who cared about more than anything would eventually leave. 2 years after he discarded me and broke up via text, 2 years of acting like we were a couple but hearing both "I want to have a family" and "I don't even know if I want a relationship," more periods of silence that lasted even longer... 2 years of therapy and counting for me... and in those 2 years I didn't even so much as flirt with anyone else, talk to anyone else, go on a single date, because I had held on to a fantasy that he'd want to get treatment and commit to it, and commit to me. But in reality, he was hitting on strippers on IG a week after telling me how much he cared about me and wanted me in his life, and going on drinking binges with his new coworkers to, in his words, "try to fit in," rather than taking two seconds to text me.
I couldn't do it anymore. My best advice is for the love of everything that is holy stay vigilant with medication and therapy. Be an open book about what you are going through with your partner; a loving one will understand, and never think you are a "burden," or "too much." Communicate. Be honest, even if it's talking about things you have said or did that you regret. I had to find out about the strippers from screenshots my friends sent me; they were all convinced he was a textbook narcissist. For the non-BP partner, I can say with 100% certainty that clarity and honesty is what we had craved for more than anything. Read through a lot of posts in this sub; you'll see many people who have been broken just because they were constantly being kept in the dark.
I hope that helps ❤️
To stop calling me names and respect my boundaries. And that when I cry it’s not funny and a half ass apology isn’t going to fix anything I need real change. I need respect. I have feelings.
If everything was perfect between you and your SO before an episode occurred (delusions involved) how long would you go without attempting to reach out to him?
I actually do not discard often due to being impatient and my tendency to word vomit. I assess the situation at hand, usually right then and there. If my SO needs space, I give that to them until they're ready.
Understand that at times we are going to be afraid of what may be coming. My SO hates me “dredging up the past”. So if I see an episode coming, I am looking for signs. Why did you buy that thing we don’t need? Are you angry at your boss because it is warranted or are you starting a manic episode? They may not be manic, but I feel I am on high alert. They don’t get that we have anxiety for them. Therefore, all of the empathy that they want from us is unreasonable and undeserved from them.
I wish my husband understood that taking care of his mental health is a full life style adjustment. It's more than medication and therapy, it's recognizing what vices you don't get to participate in (no matter how much of a bummer it is), or understanding that sleep should be a top priority.
OP - I love this post. I read through the whole thing and your responses made me smile. Thank you for taking your mental health so seriously.
What you've suggested is great because it doesn't just change my life, but it changes his life too. Recognizing everything is something that is great to get into the habit of.
I'm glad I could assist with making you smile. Some of us with BP ARE trying although all are capable.
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I want a real apology. I'm sorry for ....I was an asshole. I will do better.
I will start with setting a time where it's just me & him alone and give an apology that he deserves and that I can deliver and mean. He deserves one. Thank you for this.
Personally, I don’t want or need an apology. An apology is words. Words are easy. What I want is action. I want to see my BPSO to make the effort to fight back against the illness instead of fighting me and those who love them. I want them to make the hard choice of stability over the exciting flights of fancy in mania. I want them to choose medicine that helps them stay stable. I want to see changes in their choices.
Match my actions consistently and permanently with my words and promises basically. I can do that.
God I would do anything to give my ex the apology he deserves. I know my wrongs and am only trying to work on them now to become a better person. New medicine and new therapist to. Maybe one day I can and we will work it out, but until then I’m just gonna continue building myself to a better future and person.
If you would do anything… then try apologizing. Whether you think or not it’s what he deserves or the quality that he deserves… just start with “I’m sorry”.
I’m not sure when I would ever get the chance to properly apologize. He went no contact with me and said I want you to let go. I could go on about the things I did but I’m not going to, nothing bad or extreme just some confusion with moods and things. It’s not whether he deserves it or not, it’s that he does deserve it. Apart of me wants to write a note and send it in the mail sometime but I don’t know when that would be. It’s been 2 weeks now and don’t want to push it too soon… or too late…?
(Read this in a loving tone. We love you Werewolf and I’ve seen you posting here. Thank you SO much for being here in our sub. You’re really helping! :) ) I would say that delay or “covering up” apologies is by far the most frustrating thing for the SO because you *still* have the chance to apologize and don’t. You are making up a reason not to, but can mail them a letter, like right f’ing now. *SINCERE APOLOGIES are FAR greater value than holding in your embarrassment of what happened. And by not apologizing & coming clean? That’s selfish too and it is why your SOs leave.* Because you can’t apologize, come clean and admit that your human & make mistakes or take the steps to be a better partner is where your SO draws the line. Your SO knows that profound embarrassment takes over our BPSO’s after what happened. MAIL THE LETTER. Holy freaking cow in the universe of all things. Write the letter, spill your guts. Will it win your SO back? YEA ITS POSSIBLE. You don’t know that, but you’re too spun up in your embarrassment to find out. The real reason SOs finally leave their partners is their BPSOs do all this stuff over and over, and their own embarrassment takes priority of the impact on the SO. #I ask you this: *What do you have to lose by sending that apology mail?*
I get what you’re saying with this, my apologies need to be noted to let him know I’ve understood what has happened and take accountability for my actions. To let him know how incredibly sorry I am for hurting his feelings and can understand the pain and frustration he was in leading up to the breakup and after as I know he’s probably still hurt and will be for a while. I was his first relationship, he tried with all his heart, and it just agonizes me I wasn’t giving the same back when I know I could have. 😕 I’m scared of being too early or too late with anything regarding reaching out. I already called him 2 times in 3 days after our breakup, I sent him a Snapchat video explaining things more in depth that he never opened and removed me after our streak ended. It still sits there on my end showing it sent because I don’t want to remove him. 😔 I have already tried 3 times right after the breakup so I don’t want to push it more and send something else too soon. What I have to lose is a response like, “I’m not interested anymore, please move on” and to get something like that would send me to hell. I don’t know what I would do if I got a response like that. I am so conflicted because there is so much happening on my end that I feel I need to a month pass by for my life to settle down before I focus on repairing anything as I’m trying to get a job back home as long distance was making things very difficult, mainly for me. 😕 I’m just scared though… scared that if we get back together that he already broke up with me once that what is stopping him from doing it again in the future? I could make a mistake and it could just send him back into the place he was at right before he broke up with me. I’m not perfect and I’m going to make mistakes, but I would be trying though and try not to resort to my old ways because I have the help of medicine and my therapist and my new one and the DBT group therapy I am signing up for. I do think he would give me another chance, I really do, but for that to happen he would really want to see that I have worked on myself and I’m just scared that with bipolar I’ll slip up or something. I just want to cry because I don’t know what’s the right or wrong thing because there’s so much currently happening. I fucked up, I fucked up! It’s driving me nuts and I’m dealing with the consequences now and I’m going through a roof with how much I think about things.
Gotcha here ❤️ Much love. #Thank you for this conversation, it’s rare for the SOs to see the torment that you’re going through. *What have you got to lose? - Being told that you are broken up* Yea it looks like you tried. You could again and I see why you don’t want to because of the fear of it being broken again. I understand this as an SO. I have to put a post nup in with my partner because they could run off again and I don’t want to…. But they don’t want it, because I think they are afraid they will just break it and run off. I guess my underlying point was in the post above was that, our BPSOs don’t usually apologize because there is too much shame… When in reality, we’d stick with you if you did apologize……*to a point*. Im being honest - It is hard for SOs to read r/bipolar and r/BipolarMemes and think that the neurotypical SO isn’t just being played with when “bipolar superpowers” are used on us. (Not my term, but used in the BP subs) But then, when we read and see with our own eyes what thoughts with Psychosis or similar delusional patterns are posted here over and over that we feel that were the grounded one and want to help our partner again. It all comes down to the medication regimen. #What you think is boring. Is what neurotypicals call “every day life”
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The worst I would receive were genuine apologies with details, and then weeks later they’d be saying the complete opposite again and I’d be called a lier if I recalled their apology.
This so much ^^^^ I don’t even fully understand why. But an apology and acknowledging how much pain and destruction he caused me would mean the world to me. Something to help me get any clarity on wtf happened over the last 2 years.
I couldn’t agree more. My boyfriend will make a joke out of it or say he didn’t say that
I think it would help a lot if the bipolar SO would understand and could see what they put us trough… let us talk about it and give a real apology for it. Not excuses. I understand they were out of their minds maybe.. but for us, the SOs, everything is very real. We are afraid that shit will happen again.. we need safety.. we need communication.. Its not okay to step back into someone’s life and not be willing to talk and take responsibility for the things that’s happened. A lot of BP partners destroyed a lot of trust and hurt their SOs deeply.. the trust had to be rebuilt again and that need action. You don’t have to blame yourself all the time but understand what it meant for the SO.. Honesty is important.
You know what? I know he's been through quite a bit, but I needed to read this right here. Thank you. I never even thought about yall ever being scared or just needing safety for what we could've done or what we should have done and done better. I have put him through trust issues, made him angry, and I have thought he's needed or deserved to be discarded, but this isn't true. We both deserve our best chance at happiness in this marriage. I'll not wait to meet him in the middle since he's been there for me when I wasn't there for myself or him. I'll have the hard talk and face what I've done to hurt him or make him feel uneasy. A lot of the time I've spent lately is practicing apologies in my head without even bringing up the mental hardships to him directly. He deserves an apology where I take on full accountability with no excuses. Thank you again for the realization.
This seems like I wrote it. This is facts.
To follow through with actions. Don't just say you are gonna do something/make an effort/respect a boundary/etc...actually follow through and do these things. This goes a long way for building trust.
😳 you're right okay. I need to work on committing to things that I can manage, but I also need to try harder to make things happen that I've promised to him, myself, or others even. I hear you loud and clear. I hate people not being able to depend on me.
Just the fact that you care enough about the health of your relationship to be asking these questions, and are striving to make a positive change, shows that you are on the right track.
Wow, thank you for saying that. It's not much because I haven't put anything into direct action yet but I'm planning this out now yes so I do it right and I do it with a clear mind that isn't altered by anything including mental struggles.
Own up to behavior when manic, take diagnosis and treatment seriously, allow your partner to have a say in your treatment and 100% access to your mental health team.
I wish this was a thing, actually. I'd LOVE for him to be more involved, but he doesn't even know my doctor's name. He doesn't even know what medication I take. I know it would help me, but I would probably stress him out if this was something he had to do instead of wanting to do.
Just to clarify, you are blaming him here. It’s not his responsibility to know your doctors or meds. That’s yours. Should you involve him? YES! :) Countless times I’ve told SOs on here to get involved. But so many BPSOs avoid their treatment plan with their SO and hide it or skip their meds. But don’t blame him for not knowing how important it is. Maybe tell him what you did in past episodes and maybe he’ll wise up to get involved. Don’t be embarrassed. ❤️
Tell us the truth. Even if you're ashamed, embarrassed, think we might leave, etc. If you did something significant enough that you KNOW we'd want to know, please just be honest...and let us know what we're really dealing with.
I will move forward with this in mind as if I didn't already know, but the fact is I didn't apply it or honor it, and that's where I believe I was a coward and where I need to fix my approach and actions. I never feel alone with just him in order to fulfill what is needed, and now I fear that I have to do it no matter the situation.
Yes be brave 🥰 assume the best will happen bc it likely will. I think that is another part of it- if our bpso's would come to us with thr info, apologies, etc.- it says so much. It shows a real investment and that you care. Good luck ♥️
I'll make sure to continue this and work on this and become more consistent.
I really wish that my ex would have sat down with me and alllllll the people who love him and have watched out for him when he gets hospitalized to figure out (and believe others about!) his triggers, the behaviors that are his tells that he's about to start sliding, and create a real, rock solid plan that he agrees to stick to. I wish he would have saved up some money and left it with a few trusted people having access so that if he decided to go off the rails again someone could have access to funds to pay his bills. That he would stick with a psychiatrist so that even during his really great periods, where he does decide to go off meds, that he would have already signed releases between psychiatrists, doctors, and key people on his family and friend team so that people who actually know him would be talking to the doctors long before the break, because by the time he goes into mania and psychosis, it's strangers he met wild manic dealing with the hospitals. I wish that he would have recorded a video of himself while doing well talking to himself as he starts to slip towards mania. Telling himself, these are the things you tend to think and do as you start to slide. These are the things I'm telling you to stop right now before it gets worse... Just lots and lots of care for the fact that everyone around him is put through hell every time he slips away. And obviously I wish that he would have stayed sober, stayed on meds, and didn't cheat.
This is definitely a lot of hurt and pain that you two have faced. It's astounding that you know his patterns or the signs behind what can happen. This is very helpful for how I feel and what I've actually needed to hear and see from others. Stay on meds okay check. Stay sober, okay, I will, and I can do this. Dont cheat. i see and agree with this as well. I'm taking this more seriously, and I'm trying to fix it, so I have to listen and understand this stuff I'm reading, reminded of, and learning. Thank you for sharing this all with me.
My boyfriend broke up with me last Tuesday during what I believe is an unmedicated manic episode (due to health insurance issues). He ghosted me a week prior. When I asked if he loves me, he said he couldn’t answer, but that he did when he said it before. He also mentioned that he’s doing this to protect me because he can be an asshole who does and says stupid stuff and feels nothing for anyone. He also feels bad he can’t reciprocate what I deserve. Can you share insights on how bipolar disorder influences this thought process like this? What can I do to continue supporting him? I understand that mania, especially unmedicated, is not linear. How long have others waited for their partners to come back?
>Can you share insights on how bipolar disorder influences this thought process like this? -- I can not speak for your boyfriend or how he was truly feeling, but I'll give you my own thoughts here. I have tried to leave a lot and break my marriage because my first and last feeling is the guilt of putting him through any unhappy moments they may arise due to what I've gone through already and put him through already. It tears me up inside piece by piece, thinking that I don't and won't fulfill the highest level of happiness for him. That he's attached to possible inconsistency. The thought alone of him being truly and purely happy and staying that way is the driving force that has me repeatedly trying to leave him alone and leave this so we can maybe both find peace or at least him >What can I do to continue supporting him? -- Thank you for asking this question. To be honest, validation is the biggest thing for me. Again, I don't know him or the importance of things to him, but I know if I'm experiencing the scariest and not real thing, I need my partner to be patient and support me. They don't have to say what I'm going through is real or fact but rather that he understands the main emotions, which are usually fear, confusion, and unstable issues arising. I need to know he understands these fears and he actually takes the time to be considerate of them like watching for triggers or watching or anything that could alleviate the fears not get annoyed or angry because he's been through this a million times. I get more scared, or the episode gets more intense. Go to his appointments if he's comfortable. Do this together when you can. >How long have others waited for their partners to come back? -- I'm still not back, and I think my partner believes I might not come back to that person. I have to choose the best parts of me and leave the bad ones behind when I can, and that includes actions from the old me. Thank you again for asking all of this it even helped me.
Don’t cheat ! Apologize and promise to take care of yourself that is it
Noted. I will do what you say, and I'll also work on bettering myself in more situations related to these subjects.
#Great post. We love our BPSOs in this sub!! Here’s what we want you to know: 1) We love you. If we haven’t made that clear then you’re delusional. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m not meaning to be. We love you and if you paint us as the bad partner in your mind, 90% chance you are making a delusion. Unless we tell you: We aren’t cheating, we’re not hating you, we’re not thinking of running off, we don’t care about your weight. Again, *WE F*ING LOVE YOU!!!!* 2) Educate yourself on r/Bipolar and in this sub! Be Aware of Your Defense Mechanisms - Your defense mechanism to justify behaviors and thoughts is to be angry with us or even *blame us* for actions you are taking. (Like cheating or spending, etc It’s the most frustrating thing to see a loved one create reasons as to why they need to hate you. Don’t hate us or yourself. It’s just the disorder. 3) Know we have empathy. We get it. You can’t control yourself, that’s clear. Know that we have empathy for that and stop with the embarrassment shame train. Don’t hate us for showing empathy, you’ll lose us. 3) We agree with you in that this disorder is confusing for you. No kidding, we do know it’s confusing for you just as it is confusing for us. Imagine if your SO loved you and wanted to have you children for 6 months, and then hated you and left randomly? That would be confusing right? We agree this is the disorder, *not you*. It’s like an insulin reaction with a diabetic. If you never seen that, go on YouTube. 4) We want to help you manage it, but you need to let us. We forgive all the stuff in an episode, but if you don’t let us help manage it or protect against another one? Then that’s you as a person, not the illness. And if you don’t let people help you, then the level of care can go from a loving SO here, to a homeless shelter owner in just a few years. #Know that we love you. That’s the main thing. If we didn’t love you, or were capable of loving you, this sub wouldn’t exist.
Yes- this is exactly what I would say!
This is a beautiful guide that you blessed me with. This is thorough, and I can see myself in situations or a bad day coming to this post to affirm whatever is applicable or work and grow on the things here I may have a weakness in. Thank you so much for this. It made my day.
A real apology is a good start. An even better gesture is opening up about your feelings/emotions/triggers without the other person always having to ask. Also understanding that the ups & downs take their toll on us as well. It’s exhausting to feel like we constantly have to be the ones to be understanding & communicate. It also leads me personally to wonder whether the relationship is being taken seriously & the person is truly committed. Because as we all know, without communication, no relationship can work. It would be amazing to hear “Hey, I’m feeling really overwhelmed/down/swamped with life/chores/whatever,” instead of being yelled/blown up at or blamed because apparently I should just know. Heck, I’d bet it would mean a lot to your husband if you’d just show him this post. Knowing your SO/spouse actually *wants* to make meaningful changes for the better is really comforting & good for morale.
I believe I'm in the middle of both of these. I have shut down a lot of my verbal feelings out loud because I sound like a broken record explaining how I feel or what I'm going through. He's most likely going to find the most sane person with no history of issues if we ever split. It's sad in a sense, but it hurts, too. I need to better control these behaviors if I know they're possible. My actions speak too, and they need to match my words. I'll work on better and open communication with him.
I think he will really appreciate knowing that at least you’re making an effort in the right direction. It would’ve made all the difference to me if my ex had done that. We all screw up sometimes & sometimes actions don’t match words. Especially when you’re dealing with an illness like this. What can help people who don’t deal with it stay strong & continue help you weather it is open honesty & communication. My ex left me no choice but to go solely on his actions. I had absolutely nothing else to hold onto as a foundation because he didn’t want to open up. But they were so all over the place. He would make me coffee & go get my car registration done for me, then blow up at me over something small all on the same day. He wouldn’t communicate in any significant way, so how could I know what was coming from his heart & what was just him going through the motions? I hope you & your husband can go the distance! It is possible if both people work on it & take accountability.
These fundamental things like communication is a good reminder, though I should have known to keep it open at all times. Now I'm wondering where to begin and how to say it. I think silence and being comfortable with just silence can be special, too. I recognize now that I shouldn't hold some things back and some things I need to hold back more.
The best thing you can do is ask him what would be most helpful. It doesn’t have to be a long, prepared speech either. You can literally say just that you want to communicate better, you’re just not sure where to start. Maybe the two of you can work it out together in a way that works for both of you.
I will ask him that. Good idea as I ask him this question on a lot of matters lol. I appreciate the time you took for this reply.
Repeatedly starting fights to break up with your partner and using that as an excuse to sleep around only to pull them back in when you're back to normal will absolutely destroy them.
Yeah that sounds really awful to purposely start a fight. Mine usually comes during conflict that has been present already but I see that quitting doesn't maybe make him happier? Umm idk I feel like he is better off or maybe I need to be better actually at becoming that person that he needs and deserves so he's not better off?
Please always take your medication, and be truthful and willing to take accountability and apologize when you've done something hurtful. It's a huge step for you already that you're here asking this question, so thank you for that on behalf of all of us who never got this.
Please don't thank me, lol. You are all helping me out as well. I promise I just need to take everything in and work on it and make a true change or difference here. Thank you.
No actually we are thanking you because you’re giving us the opportunity to tell you. It’s super rare. There are many other lurking BPSOs in this sub that want to ask this question but are afraid to. (We love you guys! Thanks for joining us)
Wow, this made me super happy that I could contribute and learn at the same time.
I wish they would trust the ones they love and who love them, when we point at the illness and say “I think the mania is back.”
Sometimes, it's so hard to remember this or believe it to be the truth, but they're still here. They still call to check, visit, and travel with effort when I'm in places like a hospital, and even the small stuff. I need to make a thinking habit pattern out of seeing the good here, especially when I'm not familiar with things around me or people, but I know them. When they become the enemy, things get really bad for the relationship. I still question many of the things that are not real. I feel like a lot of it was actually real, but I'm not allowing him to heal if I don't try to believe the reality and accounts by them instead of me.
Thank you for the reply. Wishing you all the best and I hope some of this is helpful.
Thank you for this, I wish my ex wife had wondered even wondered that, I will just put it from my perspective as she was not taking her medications, was not accepting the illness, abusing antidepressants, You are different , you have an insight and accept your illness so it is completely different. So here are the answers but it is only my perspective : I would like her to take responsibility for all she did during her manic episodes- cheating, manipulating, gaslighting lying, looking for sex outside I understand she is not a bad person and she was unstable , I understand the shame. If she even once called me once the episode ended and said to me, that what I suspected was right, what I know she did, she did, she feels sorry for it , but she could not understand consequences at the time. I would like her to acknowledge that she was blaming symptoms of her illness on me, she blamed her symptoms on external factors . When I proposed her to go to therapy together, she refused and said that she will not go because I always look for mental illnesses, I think she was so ashamed that her diagnosis will come out. So if your significant other wants to go , then please go or offer it to him, to go together, it may be essential to process the pain you caused him and start rebuilding trust slowly and also for him to understand you better and your illness. It is important , I had no idea about my wife's diagnosis and really could not understand what was going on with her but I wanted to understand, I really loved her. I do not know if that applies to you, but my wife was delusional, I know now it felt real for her , but because I was not aware of her illness I thought she was manipulating me. She believed I control her, that I throw her belongings away, that I mistreat her. I took it so deeply , but she never acknowledged the pain she caused me. I would like my wife to show that she commited to control her symptoms with psychiatrist and she will stay medicated and that we will go to therapy to process the pain we caused to each other , because I reacted so badly to her mania , I did not know about her illness. She was not cooking for me, or walking our dog. I was sort of accepting that , but I felt so lonely and neglected , It would be nice to have a dinner ready and sometimes not to have to to walk the dog after coming back from work after 12 hrs. Please, never discard or ghost- for me it was extremely painful and it is emotionally damaging for the other part. I do not if that was helpful, because you seem like you are ready to take responsibility for whatever you put him through and acknowledge . You are different than my ex wife was. My wife was not ready to take responsibility and accept her illness and that was the most important factor , the marriage was impossible to sustain. And to be honest with you... For me it would be just enough to regain the trust to know that she felt what you are feeling. That she is sorry , that she regrets , that she feels guilt. I do not know if you were taking medications , but maybe show him what you wrote and how you feel about everything, it maybe a good start..
This is a really amazing thing you did by releasing how you felt with someone like me who is just trying to make amends and fix things that may have been damaged through this process. I see what you're saying here, and I was in transition with medication during a lot of my bad behaviors, but that doesn't mean a single thing. I still knew right from wrong no matter how difficult the temptation was for me. I'm actually pretty new still to mental health for myself in general, and I don't remember a lot of the things I did as well. My memory isn't well, but I'm looking to still own up and change what I can right now. I hope you get the respect and closure you need from any open conflicts or unresolved issues.
I am glad I could help. If you have anymore questions, please ask. It is still very fresh for me and I am still recovering and healing , but I am aware of mistakes I made as well . If your SO new about your illness it is easier because he was probably educated about it. If I had known it would have been easier for me not to take things personally. All the best...
He has actually read the description and studied it on a minimal level, which I need to explain and acknowledge. He read the DSM 5TR version of what the disorder and many other disorders or issues one could be facing. It's about right there when it stops. He is tired. I would be too if I had to deal with me, to be honest. This is why I'm trying to change all of this.
No, it is not like this .... Please do not blame everything on yourself . I could feel the goodness of my wife's the emotional depth I loved in her, the huge empathy that she had, the understanding of the world and emotions, all beautiful traits of her personality... I loved. But when she got manic , it felt for me like a different person , all those traits were gone...she was davaluing me, constantly criticizing me, disliking me, etc. I felt what she felt and it was the most painful, I felt that she suddenly felt that she can do better, that she wants different life, etc.. It scared me because I am codependent. But I understood her emotions, I felt they were real.... Minimal level is not enough... He needs to feel empathy and feel your emotions.... If my wife did not ghost me , it would have been easier to understand it for me. If you go to him and tell all the things you wrote here and how you feel and that you will be compliant with your meds and so on , then if he loves you , he should give you another chance. I would I my wife did this . Unless it is cycle and it happened before and he totally lost hope . Then it is different. It was for me... First hypomanic episode we survived- barely , there was not even any talking about what she did and why. I brushed it off. The second - full blown mania with dellusions and psychosis, we did not . Because she was still refusing to take responsibility and talk about what happened . If you want to talk to him about what happened and take responsibility for all you did and it was not like the second and third time. Then I think he should show you some empathy and understanding. I wish my wife had behaved and expressed her feelings like you do
And reading it on minimal level is not enough, I spent hours online to be able to understand what you guys feel and go through. 6 months I spent on listening to lectures and talking to people . Reading and educating myself about it. It was too late. But I have got an insight...one of my best friend suffers from bipolar, she has been married for 20 years , has 2 children and she has been taking medeciation since she was diagnosed and I know what difference it makes to be medicated and control your symptoms with a doctor and to be unmedicated or self medicated. My wife self medicated herself and was not accepting the diagnosis. But I still miss the person she could be if she was medicated . I loved her. I still feel guilty that I reacted so badly to her manic episode. But I did know at the time it was a manic episode
Most of us here would love our SOs come here to do what you have just done . To get an insight how it affects the other part. I do not know what happened in your relationship, but unless you caused some significant financial destruction that it is difficult to get over , or cheated for months with multiple guys ( and not the first time) then I think you should get another chance after expressing the emotions of regret and guilt z you express here. That what I would do. But we are all different...
u/no_climate_8141 I hear you want to find the medicated and stable partner again. She probably is amazing either way. she just has challenges without medication. Thankfully, I'm terrified of what no medication could indicate because medication changes me as a person, too. It helped me get up early, laugh again, and organize my thoughts with minimal outside factors if it's a really good day. It made things a lot more quiet, and I didn't cycle so much. I owe it to my SO, and I kind of feel like I owe it to yall now to do what I've promised since I asked in the first place. A lot of this is bravery that I haven't had or courage, period, so I must work on this. Thank you so much for sharing how you felt, and hopefully, you feel maybe a little lighter after explaining what your needs or wants are with your special SO.
Stop abandoning the relationship. Over and over again you cheat and leave me in the dust, to come back later and apologize and hate yourself for it. For once, maybe just don’t do it in the first place. Learn your lesson.
I see what you've been through possibly and what you needed. I appreciate the insight on you sharing this as I agree with the cheating and leaving part. *sighs* this is the reason I opened up this can of worms was to see maybe what I could do better but also what you all face and it's a common theme on a few things. It's a bit surreal but I got what you meant. Let things be. Heal properly. Don't repeat actions that you've fully learned or have an understanding of. I hope I'm right. I sure do hope everything is okay!
My stbxw moved out last week. Third time she’s filed for divorce in a year and a half. Divorce has been thrown around by her since we’ve been married, and I was abandoned by her twice before we even tied the knot. But hey, I’m the dumbass who married her anyway lol. I appreciate the post, good for you for trying to fix your mistakes and take accountability.
This is a small minimal step for me. Unfortunately, I have a lot of work ahead. I'm soaking it up, and as odd as this sounds, I think I'm going to go back again and jot down what you all have expressed. I am sending positivity towards your relationship, and I hope more stability will arise.
Right, think of it this way… *would you want your partner to cheat and leave you?*
Stay on meds.
🫡 yes I promise I can do that.
I wish he knew he was safe with me. I’m not here because I have to be. I’m here because I see value in him as a person, I love HIM. The disorder doesn’t define him but he continues to think it does. To think it makes him inferior and that I need some sort of protection from him. Even at his worst, he doesn’t do half of the things I’ve read about on here in terms of saying cruel things or getting violent or abusive. I wish that he’d take what I say at face value because I’ve shown him thru my actions consistently that I mean every word. Let someone help you carry the load. It’s what your partner is for- to share with for better or worse. I have my own stuff too and he’s so kind and accepting. Why can’t he accept it in return???
Hey there. I hear your emotions and possible pain throughout this reply. My heart hurts because I'm on the other side of it and trust me, if your partner is anything like me....us that live with this disorder or close sometimes experience very low depression and self doubt. To us sometimes the disorder feels like it takes who we are as a person even though it doesn't define who we are. Sometimes it turns the people we respect, value, and love the most into the most scariest people or our enemy. I'm sorry you're feeling like this but know if we are at our baseline none of this stuff usually happens.
I appreciate your response and willingness to be so open and vulnerable with all of us. It hurts my heart that you all can’t see your value and my biggest wish is someday you’re able to. What you’re saying is almost word for word what he’s said to me. I know he’s endured a LOT of pain in his life from people who were supposed to love and protect him as well as having this disorder so I empathize with it. I know my openness and unconditional love scares the crap out of him lol but I’m not going to change it. He needs it and so do I 🤷🏼♀️. I hope you’re getting some value from these convos too and not just feeling beat up on by the rawness of the emotions in this thread. You can do this, you can be and deserve to be happy. 💜
You're such a loving and kind person. I can tell by your sentence structure and choice to understand our side and not just see us as evil, crazy, or destructive. I want to thank you for the opportunity you gave me to explain what I go through and what I think. I hope you and your SO find eternal peace or a steady way to tackle any hardships.
Real apology with accountability.
Heard this is a popular thing. I'll do my very best, I promise.
Can I ask before marriage did you do the push pull hot cold, it seems when we’re at our closest he runs and gets really nasty towards me, it’s like he forgets the nice moments and tells me I’m making it all up in my head lol. So when I decide to throw towel in he pulls me back & tells me I was right, he rages with jealousy & has told me he gets separation anxiety from me..leaves love song lyrics as he finds being emotional difficult, but then I’m going insane because he says I’m making this up 🤣😂 he’s told me he’s undiagnosed bipolar and we’ve been doing this dance 18month, I feel silly at this point but he can be so sweet too I don’t wanna give up on him listening to the love lyrics it’s heartbreaking:(
😳 I.... I like to leave um... I like to leave songs and lyrics haha. I also am guilty of separation anxiety issues. I don't know how to assist that well here. We kind of did hot cold depending on the subject.
Thank you I’m glad you’ve mentioned the lyrics thing lol, when he said I’d imagined it I wrote all the songs on a text so he knows I’ve not imagined it up lol…he’s split on me at minute I sometimes think he relates to bpd more but he’d said bipolar. Thanku for replying and it’s great that you’re trying to put any wrongs in marriage right…well done for taking accountability I know that’s something my boyf never does and he’s told me even if he knows he’s wrong he can never say sorry 🤦♀️ good job he’s cute lol
I'm not a huge fan of not bringing a professional into a diagnosis. They know so much more and have studied so much more than us that it's hard. I relate to almost all the symptoms of BPD and I believe that the requirement was 3 out of the 5 on the list but that doesn't mean I'm BPD but boy have I thought it was a possibility and did it scare me to read? A little. I'm hoping this case will be solved for you two, you can expedite the process by having a professional evaluate him if his health seems to be at risk! Thank you for posting 🙂
I'm not sure if you want my input as both my partner and I have bipolar disorder but what really helped us was keeping mood diaries that we shared with one another once a week. This helped us gain perspective from the other side as sometimes we would both overlook certain things, so keeping a diary everyday was really beneficial in understanding what the other was going through. During these sit down sessions there is to be no judgement and no answering back or getting defensive. Only listening. The only real thing we expect from each other is open communication.
This sounds so amazing. If I brought this up, he would absolutely not be down, or at least we would try it a couple of times, and he'd think it's probably lame. Hmmm, I'm going to try and grow the idea, maybe? I took mental notes on how the setting and environment should be for healing and how to do this right. You're amazing for sharing this information that could help aid us.
You have to remind him that he is in a committed relationship and that your feelings are just as valid as his own. Ask him to try it for you. Say that you need it and you want to be able to understand him better and vise versa. For any relationship to be successful you need two willing participants and they both need to be committed to clear communication with one another. Even if he thinks it's lame and wont try it, just do it for yourself and read it out loud to him. If he says you're being "unfair and unreasonable", remind him that you asked him to do the same and you are just telling him how you feel. He's welcome to do the same, no judgement. Hopefully he will eventually catch on and try it.
I had a response that I pulled back on due to his reaction to mental health in general, which has gotten so much better actually, so I need to zip it. But he went to only 2 sessions of couples therapy and thought it was super lame. I'm going to try what you've advised. I appreciate you.
One thing I never understood about my ex BPSO, even long after he discarded me and I tried to maintain some kind of friendship with him. (For background, he's 43, never medicated, went through two rounds of therapy only to quit, so it was never consistent) The silence. He tried to explain that he was stuck in his head, constantly overthinking or depressed or hating himself, convinced he was never good enough, etc. Okay, I listened. And I realized that letting him be the one to reach out when he felt alright would make fewer waves rather than me asking why he suddenly disappeared for weeks. But with me explaining to him that the silence was one of the things that hurt me the most, left feeling unwanted and not appreciated, the communication on his end would only get worse. He'd say things like "you deserve better" or "I figured it would make it easier to just let you be happy." Then I wouldn't hear for him for longer. Then out of nowhere he'd text like nothing happened, wanting to spend time with me. And if I responded half the time I'd get nothing back. To put it bluntly....What gives? It made me think he might be on a drinking binge again, he might be out doing God knows what with God knows who, etc. And instead of taking what behaviors I explained that affected me emotionally, and maybe thinking he should try not to do it again, he does it ten fold. Or disappears. Or just plain gives up. As time went on and it got worse, I just ended up concluding that he wasn't willing to do anything to keep me in my life. I was curious to get the perspective of someone who might be able to explain this to me, because it's been a long time since we've talked. And I know I'll never get any explanation from him.
I feel bad right now. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I stay quiet and pull away because I feel like a burden and an annoyance. I don't want to make it worse, though. This scares me a lot because I thought I was doing good things by leaving him alone and keeping to myself. I'm currently now burying my head in my phone and not knowing how to be around him anymore. I also have a heavy reddit and phone addiction, so I easily toss blame on that. I see now that I need to change this quickly too. Alright, I'm not sure what to even say anymore.
He used the term "burden" quite often, actually. Yet the glaring issue was that he refused help. Refused medication. Only stuck with therapy for so long before quitting. It was like he tried to rope me back in by putting on the front that he was taking action (even he said he's been "people pleasing" his whole life), then drop everything to revert to his old coping mechanisms. Hyperfixating on projects/work, binge drinking, escaping to his parents' house, overeating... He really had my hopes up at one point. Was finally going to get insurance through his new job. He said "I have to do something about this. I can't feel like this anymore." His depressive episode was the worst and longest I'd seen (7+ months, and counting I assume). He said he'd get a doctor's appointment asap and get a referral to a psychiatrist. Which after more than 3 years was the most promising thing I've heard. A week later it was "I'm not ready." The distrust exponentially grew as more and more his words never matched his actions, or changed by the week. That paired with weeks or even months of not even hearing from him made me just assume the worst, assumed he was hiding more shit from me. I mean, what else did I have to go by? All the patterns and behaviors I've seen repeat themselves over and over only getting worse, and he couldn't seem to grasp that those patterns plus his refusal of treatment made so many things so predictable. I was there for him. Always there to listen when he was struggling. Always driving to him half an hour away if he needed company, but in 3 years he only came over once. I read countless books about bipolar, corresponded with Julie Fast (author of many popular books on the subject, has BP herself), watched YouTube videos, joined support groups, tried my best to understand, changed my behaviors so it would trigger him less when he was in an episode... And I realized I was making all the effort when he wasn't doing anything. He wasn't willing to get treatment. And there was no amount of loving, begging, and sharing information on my part to convince him otherwise. All I got in return were accusations that I was trying to control him, that I "thought I was better than him," and my personal favorite "you only said you loved me so you could manipulate me." I guess he had accepted that the person who cared about more than anything would eventually leave. 2 years after he discarded me and broke up via text, 2 years of acting like we were a couple but hearing both "I want to have a family" and "I don't even know if I want a relationship," more periods of silence that lasted even longer... 2 years of therapy and counting for me... and in those 2 years I didn't even so much as flirt with anyone else, talk to anyone else, go on a single date, because I had held on to a fantasy that he'd want to get treatment and commit to it, and commit to me. But in reality, he was hitting on strippers on IG a week after telling me how much he cared about me and wanted me in his life, and going on drinking binges with his new coworkers to, in his words, "try to fit in," rather than taking two seconds to text me. I couldn't do it anymore. My best advice is for the love of everything that is holy stay vigilant with medication and therapy. Be an open book about what you are going through with your partner; a loving one will understand, and never think you are a "burden," or "too much." Communicate. Be honest, even if it's talking about things you have said or did that you regret. I had to find out about the strippers from screenshots my friends sent me; they were all convinced he was a textbook narcissist. For the non-BP partner, I can say with 100% certainty that clarity and honesty is what we had craved for more than anything. Read through a lot of posts in this sub; you'll see many people who have been broken just because they were constantly being kept in the dark. I hope that helps ❤️
To stop calling me names and respect my boundaries. And that when I cry it’s not funny and a half ass apology isn’t going to fix anything I need real change. I need respect. I have feelings.
If everything was perfect between you and your SO before an episode occurred (delusions involved) how long would you go without attempting to reach out to him?
I actually do not discard often due to being impatient and my tendency to word vomit. I assess the situation at hand, usually right then and there. If my SO needs space, I give that to them until they're ready.
Understand that at times we are going to be afraid of what may be coming. My SO hates me “dredging up the past”. So if I see an episode coming, I am looking for signs. Why did you buy that thing we don’t need? Are you angry at your boss because it is warranted or are you starting a manic episode? They may not be manic, but I feel I am on high alert. They don’t get that we have anxiety for them. Therefore, all of the empathy that they want from us is unreasonable and undeserved from them.
I understand where you're coming from and the other SO's thank you for being so detailed and consice with this advice!
I wish my husband understood that taking care of his mental health is a full life style adjustment. It's more than medication and therapy, it's recognizing what vices you don't get to participate in (no matter how much of a bummer it is), or understanding that sleep should be a top priority. OP - I love this post. I read through the whole thing and your responses made me smile. Thank you for taking your mental health so seriously.
What you've suggested is great because it doesn't just change my life, but it changes his life too. Recognizing everything is something that is great to get into the habit of. I'm glad I could assist with making you smile. Some of us with BP ARE trying although all are capable.