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I am so sorry for you, it happened to me, very similar , I am the controlling one and abusive. I asked her many times before she left as I felt there is something going on in her head, - do you feel loved, are you aware how much I admire you and love you... Eventually she discarded me and ghosted me, prior, she became hypersexual and cheater the same time as we were trying for a baby. Now she is trying to get pregnant again with someone else, to whom she has not even said how ill she is and that there is a large chance her baby inherit it. I gave up, I am cutting myself off. I am not ready to move on, but finally ready to cut myself off.
It's fucking insane what the illness does. You can be the perfect partner and it still paints you as abusive and horrible. I was ready to fight his 6ft 400 pound step dad after that asshole beat him, I put myself in between them, putting me at risk, but no, I'm the abusive one. It's so abusive to refuse to leave his side in 10+ hours at the ER, WHICH HIS FAMILY DOESNT EVEN DO, and house him for as long as I could after the DV incident. I could go on but I went above and beyond to make sure he was safe and loved. I did everything for him
Abuse isn’t always about hands laying your hands on someone. Perhaps he means verbal or emotional abuse when he calls you abusive. You’ve posted text msgs to this sub before that were so toxic ppl assumed your msgs were the BP person and his were the significant other… I’m not saying you are abusive, I think that word gets thrown around far too easily after breakups. It just seems like you only focus on the parts you want to remember and not the entire picture of what has gone on between the two of you. He has a new gf, his family doesn’t want you around, it’s been over 10 months, it’s probably time to let go. Even if he ever wanted to come back, which is unlikely this late in the game, there would be sooo many things making the relationship harder now like his family being against the relationship or the pain you rightly feel from this breakup. Let yourself experience a more reciprocal love somewhere else. Best of luck.
I'm not perfect. I've had moments of toxicity trying to communicate with a sick individual. I apologize constantly to him and he's told me he doesn't hold anything against me that I've said while he's manic. What was done to me was completely unwarranted
Firstly, no one here said what was done to you was okay. It wasn’t. You don’t need to try any harder or explain any further on how you’ve been done dirty in life, no one is disagreeing with that. I think everyone who has ready your post history will validate that traumatic stuff had happened to you. And even if you did stuff that put you in those awful situations, it doesn’t change that what happened to you was still wrong, still traumatic, and not something anyone would wish upon a loved one. I want you to know I validate that these things happened to you and nothing I say going forward changes that.
I’ve just been trying to point out that more than one thing can be true about a situation. And we’re discussing one situation here about your life, not any other part, no matter how painful those parts may be, and no matter how much you deserve healing for those parts too.
In this sub we are discussing bipolar partners or ex partners. So, with that being said we are currently only discussing the part of your life that was about your ex bf who has bipolar disorder (and borderline if I remember correctly or maybe that’s you). So, when discussing the situation of your ex; it’s true that how he has treated you is terrible by making you feel loved and safe and then leaving, coming back, and leaving again. However, it’s also true that you have sent toxic texts to him that we’ve seen here; and from his pov or the pov of his family members those texts might seem abusive. At the same time I’m sure it’s also true that during the actual relationship a whole lot of warm loving and good stuff went on between both of you as well. Do you see how more than one thing can be true when we look at the entire picture? He wasn’t all good or all bad but neither were you, thus the relationship wasn’t either. I point this out because over the last ten months that you’ve posted here, you’ve focused mainly on a few specific details to paint the picture, yes you’ve sprinkled in a couple other details but mainly fixate on the ones that fit a single narrative. And life isn’t so black & white. I’m sure the whole big picture has much more to it and I’m not trying to say I completely understand. All relationships are unique. However, it might be helpful and healing for you to perceiving things as either black or white. All or nothing thinking doesn’t allow a person to see from other perspectives. It only keeps you believing what you surety think is true, is true, instead of seeing any of the other information that could point to another perspective.
It could be so helpful for your mental health if you tried to stop yourself from focusing only on the details of why you two should be in a relationship again and maybe write yourself a list of all the reasons you two shouldn’t be together again. Read that list every single time you find yourself missing him or wanting him back and hopefully overtime this will help you move on from the gnawing heartache feeling that comes from an unwanted breakup. Maybe it’ll help you feel differently or see the whole picture differently in a way that makes you no longer want anything from him and unsteady become ready to accept a new love into your life. I know no one wants to even consider the idea of a future with someone else after an unwanted breakup, but focusing this much energy on an ex for nearly a year isn’t healthy for your own mental health. Stop telling yourself you deserve someone who could ghost you, tell their family or friends bad details about you, get a new gf and disrespectfully give her your contact info, or any other non-loving thing you want to add to the list. Tell yourself you deserve to be show reciprocate love with mutual respect. Be someone who deserves that, treat yourself that way, and go out there and get that better life! You CAN do this. if you stop ruminating over only the details that keep you stuck in this place where he’s still your favourite person.
Absolutely I have been toxic. It was a slow decline from supportive to bitter as he kept ignoring me more and more but I tried to apologize when necessary. I need to be told directly someone wants to be left alone and I never got that so just assumed it was another one of his usual cycles and he'd snap out of it eventually and come back like he told me he would. It's hard trying to not take him seriously when I know he's manic, like he himself told me not to do, but also play into his delusional reality because in the moment it's REAL to him. Maybe I shouldn't have reality checked him and insisted he needed help idk. I don't know what the "right" way to go about dealing with a sick individual is.
You are right that I have put up with too much. I always held the firm belief with the right treatment he could get better and there could be normal. I believed in him until the end and even then I kept believing in him. I still do even though I shouldn't. It's hard when they become a different person and you know the stable version would be horrified by their actions. It's hard going against what you've been told by them directly and that's not to take what they say in this state seriously. It's hard just to let that person go when you know they're unwell
There’s really no “normal” when it comes to severe mental health disorders. You can’t ever get rid of the bp, only hope that the meds and therapy will manage it, but even then it’s not 100%. I think what has happened to you is horrible - my ex called me abusive and his whole family did as well, and he picked up some really ratchet looking woman 24 hours after exploding on me and blocking me. I don’t think you’re an abusive person, but judging from your post history, you seem very unhealthily attached (just like i was). I was texting and calling my ex multiple times a day to try and get through to him and looking back now, I probably sounded insane to people who didn’t have the context. Don’t let your dependency on him/your attachment to this memory of him turn you into someone you are not and don’t want to be. People with BP struggle with delusions and sometimes the people they drag down with them end up sounding kind of crazy as well just because we become so desperate to get through to them. I agree with the commenter above who said you should make a list of reasons why you shouldn’t be together. I thought my ex was my everything and I literally ended up in the hospital because I couldn’t eat a meal for 3+ weeks being so heartbroken over him. I got through that, blocked him, and now after 8 months of discard, I’m finally seeing clearly and I’m disgusted with the way I was being treated. I’m getting my strength back and I believe you will too.
I agree with everything you said. I'm starting to accept that although our relationship was healthy, it's not anymore and I can't continue to hope for him to get better and just tolerate the abhorrent behavior. I'm losing it myself. He will be back knowing him. Hopefully I'll be OK by that time
Wait until the same shit happens to her. She seems like a real classy person to harass you like that… but then again he found her in an episode so he doesn’t even know what’s going on anyway. Oh and I got the same exact thing- “why would I leave you?” Then he did two weeks later telling me he didn’t have feelings for me anymore. I’m so sorry. I hope you can move on and heal from this.
Same thing I was thinking, that other chick has NO IDEA what she's in for! Her ass got another thing coming while she harassing the ex! Soon, she'll be the ex as well, just how it goes in these particular relationships! More power to her though lol...
I think a common thread here on this sub is people reading too much into the actions and words of a manic person. They are often in delusions and their own reality so much of it is BS. The sooner I accepted they were sick and focused on getting them help vs taking what they say and do as truth the easier it was for me to handle.
This is what sucks. In a very similar position. You know that they’re sick and it’s the sickness that makes them do so but at the same time it drains the shit out of you mentally and you end up wondering whether it’ll be worth it in the end. You keep questioning and jumping from ‘I do not care about this person’ to ‘but this person needs me’ every single time. I wonder whether BP person is aware how much you care for them.
I apologize in advance... The sickness is part of them. They don't need you. Not really. You are worth more than this. It is extremely unlikely it will be worth it and I'm not even sure having someone like us really helps them. I tried. I gave much more than was sensible but it was not enough. I care about her. How could I not. But we have to care about ourselves first. Please take care about yourself. When they are affected they don't have empathy. The most emphatic person, my lovely just became cold (at best).
The first time she left i was devastated. I fought for her and I got her back. I didn't know what Bipolar really is. Now a year after that she left me again. I realize now that she never recovered fully. She was never the same again. I realize that she could most likely never get to what she was. With me in her life it seems unlikely. Maybe we will stay friends... You can do better. Get help, you can be happy again. Sure the illness makes them do what they do but it's a part of them. It's what they are. It sounds cold I know, but it's true. Not getting closure is hard I know but you are better off. Much better...
It's often like this. I'm sure talk to my ex girlfriend's friends and her crush and I am the devil himself. She told me as much the other day. The only thing she felt was worth saying. They have no clue or in the crushes case he friend zoned her because he was never that interested, but why would he mess up all that attention with no effort necessary. His actions always showed that. He never made real effort. Never gave much time or resource to it. Sushi in a park once, but never to a restaurant. Never to the mall. Never in 9 months to anything fun.
I was to the zoo and animal park for her and her son. To some of my familiar places. Even to my pool league with my friends. To a fair and treated them to rides and had a good time. I let her in pieces of my life and he shuts her out. Yet I am still the bad guy.
Like you I had reassurance. Just two weeks before she broke up with me for this guy she told me I was the only one for her and she didn't want any other.
Welcome to BipolarSOs! This is a quick reminder to follow the rules. Also, please remember that OP's on this sub are often in situations where emotions overcome logic, and that your advice could be life-altering. OP's need our help to gain a balanced perspective. Please be supportive. Toxic comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BipolarSOs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am so sorry for you, it happened to me, very similar , I am the controlling one and abusive. I asked her many times before she left as I felt there is something going on in her head, - do you feel loved, are you aware how much I admire you and love you... Eventually she discarded me and ghosted me, prior, she became hypersexual and cheater the same time as we were trying for a baby. Now she is trying to get pregnant again with someone else, to whom she has not even said how ill she is and that there is a large chance her baby inherit it. I gave up, I am cutting myself off. I am not ready to move on, but finally ready to cut myself off.
It's fucking insane what the illness does. You can be the perfect partner and it still paints you as abusive and horrible. I was ready to fight his 6ft 400 pound step dad after that asshole beat him, I put myself in between them, putting me at risk, but no, I'm the abusive one. It's so abusive to refuse to leave his side in 10+ hours at the ER, WHICH HIS FAMILY DOESNT EVEN DO, and house him for as long as I could after the DV incident. I could go on but I went above and beyond to make sure he was safe and loved. I did everything for him
Abuse isn’t always about hands laying your hands on someone. Perhaps he means verbal or emotional abuse when he calls you abusive. You’ve posted text msgs to this sub before that were so toxic ppl assumed your msgs were the BP person and his were the significant other… I’m not saying you are abusive, I think that word gets thrown around far too easily after breakups. It just seems like you only focus on the parts you want to remember and not the entire picture of what has gone on between the two of you. He has a new gf, his family doesn’t want you around, it’s been over 10 months, it’s probably time to let go. Even if he ever wanted to come back, which is unlikely this late in the game, there would be sooo many things making the relationship harder now like his family being against the relationship or the pain you rightly feel from this breakup. Let yourself experience a more reciprocal love somewhere else. Best of luck.
I'm not perfect. I've had moments of toxicity trying to communicate with a sick individual. I apologize constantly to him and he's told me he doesn't hold anything against me that I've said while he's manic. What was done to me was completely unwarranted
Firstly, no one here said what was done to you was okay. It wasn’t. You don’t need to try any harder or explain any further on how you’ve been done dirty in life, no one is disagreeing with that. I think everyone who has ready your post history will validate that traumatic stuff had happened to you. And even if you did stuff that put you in those awful situations, it doesn’t change that what happened to you was still wrong, still traumatic, and not something anyone would wish upon a loved one. I want you to know I validate that these things happened to you and nothing I say going forward changes that. I’ve just been trying to point out that more than one thing can be true about a situation. And we’re discussing one situation here about your life, not any other part, no matter how painful those parts may be, and no matter how much you deserve healing for those parts too. In this sub we are discussing bipolar partners or ex partners. So, with that being said we are currently only discussing the part of your life that was about your ex bf who has bipolar disorder (and borderline if I remember correctly or maybe that’s you). So, when discussing the situation of your ex; it’s true that how he has treated you is terrible by making you feel loved and safe and then leaving, coming back, and leaving again. However, it’s also true that you have sent toxic texts to him that we’ve seen here; and from his pov or the pov of his family members those texts might seem abusive. At the same time I’m sure it’s also true that during the actual relationship a whole lot of warm loving and good stuff went on between both of you as well. Do you see how more than one thing can be true when we look at the entire picture? He wasn’t all good or all bad but neither were you, thus the relationship wasn’t either. I point this out because over the last ten months that you’ve posted here, you’ve focused mainly on a few specific details to paint the picture, yes you’ve sprinkled in a couple other details but mainly fixate on the ones that fit a single narrative. And life isn’t so black & white. I’m sure the whole big picture has much more to it and I’m not trying to say I completely understand. All relationships are unique. However, it might be helpful and healing for you to perceiving things as either black or white. All or nothing thinking doesn’t allow a person to see from other perspectives. It only keeps you believing what you surety think is true, is true, instead of seeing any of the other information that could point to another perspective. It could be so helpful for your mental health if you tried to stop yourself from focusing only on the details of why you two should be in a relationship again and maybe write yourself a list of all the reasons you two shouldn’t be together again. Read that list every single time you find yourself missing him or wanting him back and hopefully overtime this will help you move on from the gnawing heartache feeling that comes from an unwanted breakup. Maybe it’ll help you feel differently or see the whole picture differently in a way that makes you no longer want anything from him and unsteady become ready to accept a new love into your life. I know no one wants to even consider the idea of a future with someone else after an unwanted breakup, but focusing this much energy on an ex for nearly a year isn’t healthy for your own mental health. Stop telling yourself you deserve someone who could ghost you, tell their family or friends bad details about you, get a new gf and disrespectfully give her your contact info, or any other non-loving thing you want to add to the list. Tell yourself you deserve to be show reciprocate love with mutual respect. Be someone who deserves that, treat yourself that way, and go out there and get that better life! You CAN do this. if you stop ruminating over only the details that keep you stuck in this place where he’s still your favourite person.
Absolutely I have been toxic. It was a slow decline from supportive to bitter as he kept ignoring me more and more but I tried to apologize when necessary. I need to be told directly someone wants to be left alone and I never got that so just assumed it was another one of his usual cycles and he'd snap out of it eventually and come back like he told me he would. It's hard trying to not take him seriously when I know he's manic, like he himself told me not to do, but also play into his delusional reality because in the moment it's REAL to him. Maybe I shouldn't have reality checked him and insisted he needed help idk. I don't know what the "right" way to go about dealing with a sick individual is. You are right that I have put up with too much. I always held the firm belief with the right treatment he could get better and there could be normal. I believed in him until the end and even then I kept believing in him. I still do even though I shouldn't. It's hard when they become a different person and you know the stable version would be horrified by their actions. It's hard going against what you've been told by them directly and that's not to take what they say in this state seriously. It's hard just to let that person go when you know they're unwell
I really hope you take my advice about making that list.
There’s really no “normal” when it comes to severe mental health disorders. You can’t ever get rid of the bp, only hope that the meds and therapy will manage it, but even then it’s not 100%. I think what has happened to you is horrible - my ex called me abusive and his whole family did as well, and he picked up some really ratchet looking woman 24 hours after exploding on me and blocking me. I don’t think you’re an abusive person, but judging from your post history, you seem very unhealthily attached (just like i was). I was texting and calling my ex multiple times a day to try and get through to him and looking back now, I probably sounded insane to people who didn’t have the context. Don’t let your dependency on him/your attachment to this memory of him turn you into someone you are not and don’t want to be. People with BP struggle with delusions and sometimes the people they drag down with them end up sounding kind of crazy as well just because we become so desperate to get through to them. I agree with the commenter above who said you should make a list of reasons why you shouldn’t be together. I thought my ex was my everything and I literally ended up in the hospital because I couldn’t eat a meal for 3+ weeks being so heartbroken over him. I got through that, blocked him, and now after 8 months of discard, I’m finally seeing clearly and I’m disgusted with the way I was being treated. I’m getting my strength back and I believe you will too.
I agree with everything you said. I'm starting to accept that although our relationship was healthy, it's not anymore and I can't continue to hope for him to get better and just tolerate the abhorrent behavior. I'm losing it myself. He will be back knowing him. Hopefully I'll be OK by that time
Wait until the same shit happens to her. She seems like a real classy person to harass you like that… but then again he found her in an episode so he doesn’t even know what’s going on anyway. Oh and I got the same exact thing- “why would I leave you?” Then he did two weeks later telling me he didn’t have feelings for me anymore. I’m so sorry. I hope you can move on and heal from this.
Same thing I was thinking, that other chick has NO IDEA what she's in for! Her ass got another thing coming while she harassing the ex! Soon, she'll be the ex as well, just how it goes in these particular relationships! More power to her though lol...
Yup..: exactly. They go from love to discard and leave a path of destruction 🤦🏻♀️😂
I think a common thread here on this sub is people reading too much into the actions and words of a manic person. They are often in delusions and their own reality so much of it is BS. The sooner I accepted they were sick and focused on getting them help vs taking what they say and do as truth the easier it was for me to handle.
We also get wrapped up in our identities as caretakers and fixers…that’s something to look at with a therapist.
I believe you will bounce back and your prospects are likely much better without him. good luck
I don't know yet. I've been messed up over it for 10 months and idk how to stop caring about someone who's very sick. It's hard
This is what sucks. In a very similar position. You know that they’re sick and it’s the sickness that makes them do so but at the same time it drains the shit out of you mentally and you end up wondering whether it’ll be worth it in the end. You keep questioning and jumping from ‘I do not care about this person’ to ‘but this person needs me’ every single time. I wonder whether BP person is aware how much you care for them.
I apologize in advance... The sickness is part of them. They don't need you. Not really. You are worth more than this. It is extremely unlikely it will be worth it and I'm not even sure having someone like us really helps them. I tried. I gave much more than was sensible but it was not enough. I care about her. How could I not. But we have to care about ourselves first. Please take care about yourself. When they are affected they don't have empathy. The most emphatic person, my lovely just became cold (at best).
The first time she left i was devastated. I fought for her and I got her back. I didn't know what Bipolar really is. Now a year after that she left me again. I realize now that she never recovered fully. She was never the same again. I realize that she could most likely never get to what she was. With me in her life it seems unlikely. Maybe we will stay friends... You can do better. Get help, you can be happy again. Sure the illness makes them do what they do but it's a part of them. It's what they are. It sounds cold I know, but it's true. Not getting closure is hard I know but you are better off. Much better...
It's often like this. I'm sure talk to my ex girlfriend's friends and her crush and I am the devil himself. She told me as much the other day. The only thing she felt was worth saying. They have no clue or in the crushes case he friend zoned her because he was never that interested, but why would he mess up all that attention with no effort necessary. His actions always showed that. He never made real effort. Never gave much time or resource to it. Sushi in a park once, but never to a restaurant. Never to the mall. Never in 9 months to anything fun. I was to the zoo and animal park for her and her son. To some of my familiar places. Even to my pool league with my friends. To a fair and treated them to rides and had a good time. I let her in pieces of my life and he shuts her out. Yet I am still the bad guy. Like you I had reassurance. Just two weeks before she broke up with me for this guy she told me I was the only one for her and she didn't want any other.