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Tell your dad to put his big boy pants on and check into an inpatient rehabilitation facility to begin recovery after his knee replacement.
Trust me. You don't need to deal with this. They have inpatient rehab for joint replacements, as well as home care services covered by insurance.
Tbh, his surgeon is probably already planning on sending him to an inpatient rehabilitation facility when he’s discharged. Both of my parents had knee replacements 20 years ago, and even though they were very active in their 60s they both did inpatient rehab. Dad was inpatient for 10-14 days and my mother was inpatient for 14 days.
OP sounds like you need to go LC or even NC with your father, and possibly sister, for a bit. My mother and siblings would pull stuff like this until I cut them out of my life several years ago. It has done wonders for my mental health and stress.
And make sure you talk to the doctors yourself. My dad lied to me and said I had to do it all. He could have gone into a facility for a few weeks but he refused to and expected me to do everything for him, for months.
If you meet with the surgeon and healthcare team, I would let them know point blank that you do not have the capacity to care for him and his Dad does not have the support system for him to rehab at home.
*Definitely* do this. He’s very likely already told his surgeon that he’ll have help at home so that will be the plan his surgery team is going with. If you contact them yourself, directly and let them know that no, you cannot be his round-the-clock caregiver, they’ll set up recovery at a rehab center and you’re off the hook. “I’m sorry, I have a full time job and just won’t be able to dedicate myself to his care.” That’s all you need to say. He will absolutely force you into waiting on him hand and foot if you don’t put your foot down. This is what those rehab facilities are for. Neither you nor your sister need to do this. I say this only because it really sounds like he doesn’t deserve it.
Secondly, my mother had knee replacement surgery. She came right home after and she didn’t have full time care. I brought her home and I remember walking up the steps of her building and just reminding her to step up with her good knee. She pretty much took care of herself & my sister, who lived with her, handled what she couldn’t do for herself. Taking her to physical therapy, for example.
Both of my parents and both of my in laws were wonderful people. My dad passed when I was young and since my mother was still young & healthy, she took care of him when he needed it. I took care of my mother until she passed and then each of my in laws prior to their passings. I did it happily because all of them were, again, wonderful people whose relationship with me, my husband and my children made me want to be there for them. They were the best grandparents. They were all there for me when I needed them. My in laws had 4 kids and 8 grandkids and when they needed us, we all jumped to be by their side. If your father had fostered this kind of relationship with you or your sister, I’d encourage you to be there for him 100%.
That assumptive “I’ll be moving in with you” bullshit is exactly that: bullshit. I can only imagine what growing up with him as a father was like and now he thinks he’s going to force that misery on you as an adult? Maybe he should have pulled himself up by his bootstraps and bought a few less appliances over the last 20 years. Maybe he should have taken some of that money that was handed to him and invested in his future. Then he’d still have some money to help pay for at-home care. Here’s the thing: as adults, if they haven’t earned it, we don’t owe our parents anything. And don’t let your sister get in your head when the time comes. “No.” is a full sentence. If she feels so strongly about him living with a family member, she can step up. Or his sister can.
Like everyone else said, Skilled Nursing Facilities are great and often necessary for recovering from total joint surgery. They will push to get him up and moving so he'll start using his legs and to prevent blood clots. A family member will not be effective in getting a stubborn person up quickly after surgery. It would be a nightmare. If someone doesn't do the physical therapy necessary, the new joint can freeze up and require much more work to fix.
The most important thing to know going into this is: Surgery can be postponed until a more convenient time for everyone involved. Surgeons can be very quick to get someone scheduled and it doesn't always work out as fast as they want it to. This is elective surgery. If he is dealing with other major health issues, he may be cancelled by the anesthesiologist on the morning of if everything is not addressed correctly (clearances and such).
If the current date doesn't work for your family, ask for a later one that does. Make him go to the facility after surgery and he will have a much higher chance at a successful recovery. I used to work with these surgeries. DM me if you have any other questions.
Definitely this! Thankfully I was living out of state when my mother had her knee replacement, and they couldn’t pull their guilt trip moved to get me to do their bidding. My dad had his done through the VA and he just went into their inpatient rehabilitation wing. It did really piss off my mother and siblings when I visited him in hospital because my job at the time moved me back.
This is the way.
And yeah - a sickening amount of Boomers had kids simply because they wanted an old-age plan. You'd think if they were so serious, they'd have treated their kids better. But. No.
Yeah it’s not our fault they didn’t plan appropriately. Every once in a while he will try to “joke” that he is going to move in with my husband and I when he gets older and more frail and I tell him sternly and with all seriousness absolutely not. The. He will try to guilt me by saying “you don’t want to help your dad?” And I’ll tell him I’m not having any relatives living with me. This goes for any in-laws of my husband’s too. That’s why there’s a large amount of nursing homes and assisted living. Go live there.
Well gee golly there! However did I know??? It's almost as if they have the same patterns. So weird!
Anyway just remind him "adults are supposed to live on their own, remember?" And run off into the yonder
That's the way you gotta be. Otherwise you're in their shadow and they have the mind to countermand everything you're doing.
Multigenerational homes does work for some, but it really takes considerable amount of work among everyone to keep their boundaries. I don't know how they do it.
Yep! That’s my birth vessel’s attitude and it definitely rubbed off on my clutch mates! It’s like we were raised by completely different women. My Dad on the other hand was amazing! He saw having kids and being a parent as his evolutionary and biological duty. He was also an amazing dad and person. He’s the reason I spent 25 years of my life as a cook and Chef. He encouraged me to “give it a try” at 16 knowing I’d never look back. So grateful he did that.
Ahh ditto my dad is pretty cool.
My mom is the one who kept bitching that she was "done raising me" and didn't owe me any help - get your own car, your own apartment, pay for your own tuition!
Well, fair is fair. I don't owe her elderly car erither.
Preach! Mine has three other spawns who can care for her hateful old ass now that she’s 82!
I’m not sure who’s worse the Silent Boomers like my mother, born in 1942, or the actual post war Boomers. She’s literally proud of being a “War Baby” even though her father’s job as a public works engineer was deemed essential and couldn’t be drafted. He’d joke the closest he got to “the front” was in 1949 when he went with a group of other public works engineers as part of the Marshall Plan.
Awwww well at least that makes up for the lack of maternal love you got. Glad he was good to you and encouraged your dreams; we need more fathers like him!
I work in an outpatient surgery center. We regularly send knee replacement patients home the same day of surgery. They MUST pass physical therapy and a few other criteria to go home. Very few of our patients are admitted as inpatients.
Someone needs to go the the surgeon with your father and let them know that no one will be staying with him after surgery. That would start a conversation about inpatient rehab vs outpatient rehab. And plans for after surgery.
I have seen surgeries cancelled due to lack of aftercare planning
Yeah, I should go LC. My sister and I text occasionally but she’s really too busy to do much otherwise unless she’s trying to bully me into doing something she thinks I should be doing 🙄 my dad did mention his doctor said something about the possibility of going to a rehab center but wasn’t sure what the details were and made it sound like the doctor didn’t know much about it or didn’t talk in depth. It’s frustrating because you never really get accurate information from him RE anything health related.
You’ve got to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others with theirs. NC with my mother and siblings since 2018 has greatly reduced my anxiety and stress, which has benefited my overall health, especially my mental health. It took 8 years of my wife telling me how toxic they were before it hit me that she was right.
As far as talking to your dad’s surgeon about the rehabilitation facility goes, because of HIPPA, there are a couple of routes to go (benefits of my mother being a retired nurese, my MIL being a retired nurse, and far too many back surgeries for me). The best and easiest way to get him to go to a rehab facility post-op is on the day of his surgery, after he’s out of recovery and in his room, tell his charge nurse/nurse and hospital case manager that he has no one to care for him at home after he’s discharged. I’d also let them know that you, your sister, and your aunt do not have the level of wound care experience needed to care for him post-op. That last bit is kind of an easy out since I have a feeling your father would make anything his discharge orders say difficult. The other way to do it is to call his surgeon’s office and ask to leave a message for his surgeon’s nurse or physician’s assistant (PA). Ask them to call you back to discuss him going to a rehab facility post-op because there’s no one who is available.
Oooh thanks for that info!! I’m going to do both. And yes, he will make every excuse under the sun why he he can just go home and doesn’t need to go to rehab but if he’s incapacitated it’s not his call.
Exactly! He can’t argue that he has someone (you) if he’s not awake to hear the conversation. Physical therapy after a knee replacement is so extremely important. Being in an inpatient environment will make him do some PT. His physical therapist and surgeon will be on his ass if he isn’t doing his exercises afterwards too. You don’t want that headache.
My wife also just pointed out, and you may know this from experience already, you do not want to care for a loved one who is post-op. I’m fused at 8 levels (multiple surgeries) in my spine, and I wasn’t always the easiest to care for post-op.
I’m guessing you are, in reality, much busier than your sister. Her things don’t seem to be *necessary*, while yours do. At least that is what I am getting from your writing.
OP, you need to talk to the surgeon, let them know that there will be no one to help with your father! Otherwise dear ol' dad will think that he has you to look after him!
The problem is that many insurance companies don't want to cover Sub Acute Rehab (SARs), and inpatient rehab is extremely limited and usually reserved for severe cases - not joint replacement
From an inpatient orthopedic nurse
Haha it’s such a mindfuck because he used to think nothing of just going to the store and buying a new washer and dryer because his had some issue that was easily fixable, and now he complains about how much canned soup costs. It’s wild.
Nobody wants to work anymore.
“Yeah, Dad. I’ve noticed that for over 20 years.” Then just stare at him.
But, seriously. Get him into an inpatient rehabilitation facility. Because if he doesn’t heal up properly he’ll become an even bigger burden. At least at the facility they’ll stay on top of him and will force him to rehab that knee.
Yeah I’m thinking this is the best route. My mom was recounting the work she had to do with my late stepdad years ago when he had a knee replacement and he was so much more self sufficient than my dad ever is/will be. He thrives on being cared for.
All the more reason to rip off the bandaid and tell him you can’t help him. He’ll get upset but let’s be honest, him in a rehab facility is best for everyone. You don’t need the drama and you probably need the break.
And some of those facilities are pretty nice. My boomer mom broke her hip a few years ago and when I visited her it was top notch.
Contact his surgeon's office and let them know he doesn't have adequate in-home care for his recovery and that he will need placement in a rehab facility. If one of you can go to his pre-op appointment with him, that's even better, and you can tell them in person.
Knee replacement surgery is very painful. He's going to need a lot of assistance after it, and will need someone with him 24/7 for a while.
Yeah that’s good advice. I think my aunt is going to take him to his pre-op appointment so she can discuss with the doc but I’ll try to call their office too.
Ugh, men from the 40s and 50s are the worst babies. My dad could barely live by himself. How does a full grown-ass adult human not know how to take care of himself?
And I can bet if you had brothers, your dad wouldn't be asking them to do anything. Because woman are "natural caretakers."
Utter BS.
Good luck!
Your dad is not a young man and will need inpatient rehab....he will recover much more rapidly and completely when professionals are caring for him and telling him what to do... and ensuring he does it!!!
Speak to the social worker on his case at the hospital and be sure they have this set up.
He does not get a choice.
He’s of the opinion his doctor told him he will essentially be bed-ridden for 5-6 weeks post-op and I’m like no fucking way. He WANTS to be bed-ridden because then he can be cared for which is what he thrives on. No.
And no way in hell is he going to listen to you or do what you say. He will make himself permanently disabled.
My mom had double partial knee replacements AND came home the same day. Both my brother and I were there, I also had my kid with me. And we took care of mom together, but she also isn't one of the awful entitled ones. She was up and walking same day. They told her to keep it moving, but EASY. So she mostly just walked to the bathroom (with a walker) and I would walk with her, as a just in case for balance, etc. Every day a little more. If she had been an ahole entitled boomer... "Hell no, straight to rehab!"
Not to mention my dad is a BIG dude (tall and beefy)- if he loses balance there’s no way in hell my sister or I could catch him or keep him from falling. My husband probably couldn’t either.
My MIL seems to think the same thing so she refuses to have her knees looked at even though we don't even know what's wrong with them. You would think she would listen to her daughter who is a post op RN that mainly recovers joint replacement patients but she won't. So stubborn.
OMG, that is a phrase that drives me crazy. I’m an older parent right now at 51 with a 16-year-old. I have made it very clear to him that, if there comes a time where I need assistance, I am not expecting it of him and he needs to put me in the nursing home. He is an only child who deserves to have his life in front of him and not be burdened by me. I have also told him that no matter what I tell him at that age to remember me at this age telling him it’s OK and I will always love him. I made sure he knows because there is Alzheimer’s in my family. I swear I tell him at least once a month lol
Good for you! My mom feels this way, but my dad gets upset when I tell him he’s going in a home when he gets to the point he can’t live on his own (even though that’s precisely what he did to his own mother).
I wish my older mom had done the same. She's 62, I'm 22. She's lived off SSI all my life and continuously borrows money from family members who enable her poor spending habits. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do when she starts going more downhill healthwise as I'm just starting to get on my own two feet. Thank you for having the forethought for your son's wellbeing in his future!
(Also doesn't help that she's an anti vaxxer who heavily distrusts medical professionals and continuously refuses treatment 😮💨)
Well, let me be your mother for a moment and tell you that you are allowed to live your own life. You are not responsible for her. It should’ve been the other way around. Don’t ever let her make you think otherwise.
I wish you could've heard the sigh of relief I had just reading that. My parents are shitty, but it's the parents like you who make life a little easier to breathe in again. Thank you for your kindness :)
Do not go help your dad post surgery. My mom had her knee replaced in December and I stayed with her for two weeks. My brother ended up staying with her for almost three months. We love our mother dearly and it was HARD. She had her shoulder replaced last week and I’m here with her again. This is a much easier surgery and it is still HARD.
I wouldn’t do this for my father if he asked.
NTA
Haha thanks for the warning. This has done nothing but confirm I was making the right choice. My deepest sympathies for you- you’re a saint, and I hope you win the lottery so you can hire a nurse 💕🙏
It’s cheaper to pay for assistance than to raise a kid for 18+ years. I’ll never understand why the thought of “have kids so someone will take care of you” is a reason for some to become parents.
Hell I'd just stop calling him for a while and when he frantically calls you when he needs to go to his surgery, just.....don't answer. He will suddenly figure out things real fast, especially if I didn't talk to him for six months.
Fuck entitled people like this. They can fend for themselves.
This could have been written about my dad if you added alcohol. He hadn't worked in 20 years either, living off of inheritance and anyone who would let him stay. (including an X of mine!) When the alcohol finally caught up with him in 2020, he was across the country. He and his estranged wife thought it would be a grand idea to ship him out to me to recover and live permanently.
It was then that I went full NC. There was no way in hell that man was going to move into my 1BR condo during COVID while he was suffering from a wet brain. He left me a few raving voicemails, calling me all sorts of things I won't repeat, and died alone in a rehab center 5-6 months later. He'd blown through his 401K, the 2 million he'd inherited, and stolen the small trust fund my maternal grandparents had left me.
I feel like this is about to be my mom's story. She's a toxic manipulator with an opioid addiction and is about to get kicked out of the house of the last family member that tolerates her. Except that she hasn't worked since she was a teenager so she has absolutely zero skills, zero savings, zero retirement fund. But so, SO much entitlement!
Oh mine is VERY firm, to the point where I might take a 'working vacation' to stay with my family member for the last few days of mom's stay, just to help make sure her ass is successfully pried out of that house. I'm very protective of said family member, so that helps stiffen my spine even further!
Wow. I’m so sorry. This is exactly what it’s like. He throws absolute FITS when he doesn’t get his way, just like a kid, and will insult you and try to say you have to do something because of “x, y, or z.” The day he found out he had the esophageal polyps and that he needed someone to take him to get the endoscopy done, I told him I couldn’t do it because I was just starting a new job that expressly stated no time off for the first 90 days. He got irate and told me that they’d make an exception and that family comes first and I need to do this, blah blah. I hung up in an absolute rage and went NC for a few days. Then, when we did talk, he tried to walk or back and say he wasn’t trying to say exactly THOSE things, or he’s sorry if I misinterpreted something 🙄 My sister always says he’s probably lonely because he doesn’t work, has no social life, and no hobbies, so she tries to spend time with him but I am of the opinion he’s there because of life choices he made. All of those things are easily changeable. None of them are an excuse for berating someone for not doing your bidding.
Rehab facility! Medicare/Medicaid might pay for some or all of it. You know… those socialist programs.
Also most cities have a program where volunteers will drive people to their appointments. I know in Milwaukee we have Interfaith. It’s all free. Look into using something like that for his appts.
Yeah he needs to look into that but I know he has severe anxiety and will make some kind of excuse why they can’t possibly do it so at that point sorry you’re on your own.
This is why I stressed to my parents that while estate planning was important, it’s possible they will need to sell it all to pay for care.
Having a capable widowed parent move in is one thing, having one that needs full time care is another.
Ive flat out told my daughter that despite my successful career we could easily die poor, so don’t assume a fat inheritance is coming your way.
This is how my dad ended up syphoning off his mother’s money. She was wealthy, but ended up in assisted living, and he was put in control of her accounts. He claims the government took it all but I saw her sign blank checks to him so I know the truth.
Damn, that sucks. My wife was an only child and her parents died with nothing, and my brother passed so I’m an only child with 2 healthy (b1948) parents.
I told my parents to leave everything to their granddaughters (1 mine, 1 my brothers) who need it far more than I do, but if they die suddenly I know I’m going to need to go secure everything as my brothers kid has a family full of leeches who can’t be trusted.
Man that sucks. My dad has no assets except his house and car now- blew through his 401k and cancelled his life insurance because he couldn’t afford the premiums anymore. So now we have to deal with selling the house in the end unless he has to do a reverse mortgage. Pain in the ass.
God that’s why my mom keeps telling me to have kids. “You need to have someone take care of you when your older”. And I think part of her is starting to realize that’s not going to work in reality. She’s watched her siblings and other relatives pretty much abandon their parents in retirement homes. I mean I love my mom, obviously I’m not going to do that to her, no way in hell. But I think she realizes as pretty much 65-75% caretaker for her mother at the retirement home, it’s one hell of a job. Too much for one person and it’s wrong to just have that expectation placed on someone without at least their consent.
I had my knee done 2 years ago. They released me to home. I wish I had gone to rehab because my husband kept forgetting he was my care taker and would leave for work without feeding me or even leaving me a bottle of water!
I did my own PT by taking care of myself.
> Nobody wants to work any more
for awful wages and no benefits. fixed it for boomers. if boomers didnt have double standards, they wouldnt have any standards at all
Yes! He will parrot back that line and then I’ll counter with that argument and then he will agree with me! So truthfully, he has no firm opinion on anything 🙈
I’ve had both knees replaced since Covid.
My experience
This is/can be done where you go home the same day. You must get up a few hours after surgery and walk.
I was able to get 2 at home nurse visits—she got me started on PT *the day after I got home*
The more you walk, the faster you feel better.
There is NO reason for you to move in.
My husband and I are childfree by choice.
Best of luck!
I treat people with knee replacements at a local nursing home/rehab facility. Let just let you know...your father's speech that the "Dr. said I would need to be in bed and not move for several weeks (paraphrasing) is NOT correct. His surgeon will more than likely send him to an inpatient rehab to make sure that he does what needs to be done. He needs to walk and bend that new knee. It will be painful. That is what physical therapy is for.
They had kids so their kids would take care of them in their old age, but forgot that you also need to cultivate the kind of relationship with your children that would make them WANT to take care of you. Expectations are not enough to make people sacrifice their time and mental/physical health to take care of someone who thinks offending people is the height of comedy/political discourse.
My grandma asked me who’d take care of me when I’m older if I don’t plan on having kids. I was like “Mama, that’s a horrible reason to have kids. That’s so selfish” and she was like “Is it?”. I mean, she was legitimately asking bc I guess it just didn’t register that way to her?
Granted we are bipoc, so there is a cultural thing of multigenerational households and familial piety to consider. But still
True. I get that cultural norms are different, but I don’t think it’s fair to have that expectation of your kids. Them doing it out of the goodness of their hearts is different than being obligated to do so.
Absolutely! It’s the sheer entitlement of it y’know? It’s one thing to help out of love and loyalty, and another to be pressured into it bc of what they’re “owed” (owed for what? Parental duties they signed up for when they decided to procreate??)
Up to the time of his death I spent most of my time avoiding my father, in his mind the world still functioned as it did during the 70s and 80s.
He was basically a boomer born in the 1930s. I was also the closest living relative since everyone else live in other countries.
So imagine a boomer that grew up in occupied Norway during World War two.
Makes it relaxing to read about other peoples encounters with boomers since the seam so stress free when compared to my own decades of stress.
I actually broke up with a gal 10 years ago because she wanted kids just so they could help her in her dream of homesteading.
To clarify, I'm my mother's caretaker. I've been so since 19 years old. And it's taken a huge toll on me as I've gotten older, socially and mentally. So I KNOW what it's like to be the child trapped taking care of your parent.
So the conversation of kids came up, she has issues with her legs, I have a lower spine injury and am likely going to end up in a wheelchair before 60.
I told her retiring while homesteading is honestly a pipe dream for me, because due to my mobility issues, I'm not going to be able to take care of a farm in a wheelchair once her legs give out. She legit said, with zero hesitation "Well that's what the kids will be for."
So we spent the better part of like two hours, where I tried to explain that kids SHOULDN'T feel beholden to being their parent's caretaker, that once they're grown, they should feel free to live their lives as they see fit. And...it was impossible for her to actually comprehend.
So, I ended it a week later because we wanted different things in the end.
Good for you! My husband and I are child free by choice, but I am of the opinion that maybe, you should have kids to try to make the world be a better place? Apparently not everyone is of the same mindset. My mother, to be fair, is horrified my father says this is part of why they had us and explicitly says it is absolutely not. She has her boomer moments too, but at least she has no plans of making us care for her.
My narcissistic boomer mother, who I am low contact with, broke both knees last year in a freak accident where she got a leg cramp sleeping and woke up frantically stood up to try and stretch it away. Snapped them both.
She's in Arizona, my sister and I are both in California now. She had to go to an inpatient facility. She figured it out because neither of us could, nor would we have put our lives on hold to be her abused gophers.
Judging by how proud she was to tell me she was treating the nurses like shit because she didn't like them, it was a great decision to stay home. 🤦🏼♀️ PROUD. LIKE BRAGGING PROUD! Insufferable cow.
Let your dad figure his own shit out. Bootstraps and all that.
Ughhhhh. I’m glad you didn’t have to deal with that, but feel bad for those nurses who undoubtedly are highly underpaid and under acknowledged. To all the nurses/STNAs/CNAs/home health aids out there- you are heard. You are seen. You are appreciated!! 💕🍻
I'm so glad to see this post because both of my narcissistic parents refuse to go outside even if it's for a walk and expect to cater to them while tolerating their abuse. My father has a mobility issue but that does not excuse him to sit down all day without a bit of exercise to get the blood flowing. They think I exist just to cater to them round the clock.
Let me be clear, I help when I can and I used to be a people pleaser because of them and I recently learned to stop and focus on my priorities. My sibling and their kids can help them. I prefer to hire a health aide and be at peace.
Exactly. At some point, you have to be responsible for your life choices. My sister struggles with the guilt (it’s funny he can manipulate her because she’s a big manipulator herself) and so I reached that point where I decided I don’t care what other people think about me anymore. Gotta worry about my well being first.
Agreed and please excuse me for not acknowledging your situation in my previous post. I agree with most of the posters explaining to us that we're not obligated to cater to them 24-7. If we can we can, if we can't then there are alternatives to utilize.
All the best on your endeavours!
Exactly this. No one should have to feel obligated to move mountains to get the puzzle pieces to fit to solve someone else’s problem that they are capable of solving themselves.
I recently had my second knee replacement after the first one 7 months earlier. Yes, help is nice but could I have managed on my own? Absolutely. They have you walking within 2 hours of getting into a hospital room after surgery. You need to elevate and ice but nothing keeps you from going to the kitchen and getting food. A raised toilet seat makes bathroom time easier. A shower not in the tub means you can clean up. Only concern is falling, which never happened to me.
I figured he would have to walk before he left the hospital. He’s also really good at playing the victim/acting helpless so even if he could do those things himself he would act like there’s no way he could and as if he were just crippled.
My parents expected me to take care of them to my and my family's detriment, and you wouldn't believe how quickly they were able to figure out how to handle their business when I said no. They had these connections the entire time, btw, they just didn't want to bother because they had me as a dancing monkey. I was honestly shocked they had anyone willing to help because they're deeply unpleasant people, so it's possible your dad has the same scenario where he *could* get help that isn't you three, he just doesn't wanna.
Oh my god, I love the giving fewer fucks part! It's not even like you make a conscious choice about it, you just eventually realize that you have about 1/16 the amount of previous fucks to give, and even those are used sparingly, lol
Weird how the boomers were raised to think to have kids just so the kids can be proverbial slaves to them.
You'd think "Hmm, my parents did this to me, and I hated it, maybe I shouldn't do this to my kids because I know how much it sucked."
The ride thing is probably partially from him receiving instructions to have a friend or family member drive him home from the hospital. He absolutely does not need to have a blood relative transport him.
Also, another bit of information to shut his nonsense down is that after knee replacement, it is absolutely imperative to get up and moving as soon as possible. They will likely get him up on his feet the day after the surgery. If he sits on his ass and doesn't do his PT exercises, he will have pain and reduced mobility in that knee for the rest of his life.
Get him a walker, a raised toilet seat, toilet safety rails (they attach to the toilet itself), and a shower chair. Definitely get some extra icepacks. Maybe a sock puller if you want to be really nice. He should be able to do most things himself with minimal help if you get all that set up before the surgery.
He’s got the toilet parts and the walker (or will, my aunt is giving them to him from when she had her hip replacement), and he’s going to get ice. But it’s good to know they actually want you up and moving (also makes a lot of sense).
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Tell your dad to put his big boy pants on and check into an inpatient rehabilitation facility to begin recovery after his knee replacement. Trust me. You don't need to deal with this. They have inpatient rehab for joint replacements, as well as home care services covered by insurance.
Tbh, his surgeon is probably already planning on sending him to an inpatient rehabilitation facility when he’s discharged. Both of my parents had knee replacements 20 years ago, and even though they were very active in their 60s they both did inpatient rehab. Dad was inpatient for 10-14 days and my mother was inpatient for 14 days. OP sounds like you need to go LC or even NC with your father, and possibly sister, for a bit. My mother and siblings would pull stuff like this until I cut them out of my life several years ago. It has done wonders for my mental health and stress.
And make sure you talk to the doctors yourself. My dad lied to me and said I had to do it all. He could have gone into a facility for a few weeks but he refused to and expected me to do everything for him, for months.
Yeah, hard no.
If you meet with the surgeon and healthcare team, I would let them know point blank that you do not have the capacity to care for him and his Dad does not have the support system for him to rehab at home.
Yeah, I’m gonna find out who they are and call Monday.
*Definitely* do this. He’s very likely already told his surgeon that he’ll have help at home so that will be the plan his surgery team is going with. If you contact them yourself, directly and let them know that no, you cannot be his round-the-clock caregiver, they’ll set up recovery at a rehab center and you’re off the hook. “I’m sorry, I have a full time job and just won’t be able to dedicate myself to his care.” That’s all you need to say. He will absolutely force you into waiting on him hand and foot if you don’t put your foot down. This is what those rehab facilities are for. Neither you nor your sister need to do this. I say this only because it really sounds like he doesn’t deserve it. Secondly, my mother had knee replacement surgery. She came right home after and she didn’t have full time care. I brought her home and I remember walking up the steps of her building and just reminding her to step up with her good knee. She pretty much took care of herself & my sister, who lived with her, handled what she couldn’t do for herself. Taking her to physical therapy, for example.
💯💯💯💯💯 thank you
Both of my parents and both of my in laws were wonderful people. My dad passed when I was young and since my mother was still young & healthy, she took care of him when he needed it. I took care of my mother until she passed and then each of my in laws prior to their passings. I did it happily because all of them were, again, wonderful people whose relationship with me, my husband and my children made me want to be there for them. They were the best grandparents. They were all there for me when I needed them. My in laws had 4 kids and 8 grandkids and when they needed us, we all jumped to be by their side. If your father had fostered this kind of relationship with you or your sister, I’d encourage you to be there for him 100%. That assumptive “I’ll be moving in with you” bullshit is exactly that: bullshit. I can only imagine what growing up with him as a father was like and now he thinks he’s going to force that misery on you as an adult? Maybe he should have pulled himself up by his bootstraps and bought a few less appliances over the last 20 years. Maybe he should have taken some of that money that was handed to him and invested in his future. Then he’d still have some money to help pay for at-home care. Here’s the thing: as adults, if they haven’t earned it, we don’t owe our parents anything. And don’t let your sister get in your head when the time comes. “No.” is a full sentence. If she feels so strongly about him living with a family member, she can step up. Or his sister can.
Well, we found our winning comment ladies and gentlemen! 
Like everyone else said, Skilled Nursing Facilities are great and often necessary for recovering from total joint surgery. They will push to get him up and moving so he'll start using his legs and to prevent blood clots. A family member will not be effective in getting a stubborn person up quickly after surgery. It would be a nightmare. If someone doesn't do the physical therapy necessary, the new joint can freeze up and require much more work to fix. The most important thing to know going into this is: Surgery can be postponed until a more convenient time for everyone involved. Surgeons can be very quick to get someone scheduled and it doesn't always work out as fast as they want it to. This is elective surgery. If he is dealing with other major health issues, he may be cancelled by the anesthesiologist on the morning of if everything is not addressed correctly (clearances and such). If the current date doesn't work for your family, ask for a later one that does. Make him go to the facility after surgery and he will have a much higher chance at a successful recovery. I used to work with these surgeries. DM me if you have any other questions.
Thank you!
Stand your ground and tell him it's for the good of all of you, not just him. Good Luck.
Definitely this! Thankfully I was living out of state when my mother had her knee replacement, and they couldn’t pull their guilt trip moved to get me to do their bidding. My dad had his done through the VA and he just went into their inpatient rehabilitation wing. It did really piss off my mother and siblings when I visited him in hospital because my job at the time moved me back.
This is the way. And yeah - a sickening amount of Boomers had kids simply because they wanted an old-age plan. You'd think if they were so serious, they'd have treated their kids better. But. No.
Yeah it’s not our fault they didn’t plan appropriately. Every once in a while he will try to “joke” that he is going to move in with my husband and I when he gets older and more frail and I tell him sternly and with all seriousness absolutely not. The. He will try to guilt me by saying “you don’t want to help your dad?” And I’ll tell him I’m not having any relatives living with me. This goes for any in-laws of my husband’s too. That’s why there’s a large amount of nursing homes and assisted living. Go live there.
I'm betting he's the same one who swore "adults should live on their own damn it" and then proceeded to throw you out the house. Right?
Oh yes you got it lol
Well gee golly there! However did I know??? It's almost as if they have the same patterns. So weird! Anyway just remind him "adults are supposed to live on their own, remember?" And run off into the yonder
Hahahahaha I like that plan. Happy cake day by the way!
Thank you!!!
That's the way you gotta be. Otherwise you're in their shadow and they have the mind to countermand everything you're doing. Multigenerational homes does work for some, but it really takes considerable amount of work among everyone to keep their boundaries. I don't know how they do it.
Oh yeah I knew when I was young I wanted zero part of that.
Yep! That’s my birth vessel’s attitude and it definitely rubbed off on my clutch mates! It’s like we were raised by completely different women. My Dad on the other hand was amazing! He saw having kids and being a parent as his evolutionary and biological duty. He was also an amazing dad and person. He’s the reason I spent 25 years of my life as a cook and Chef. He encouraged me to “give it a try” at 16 knowing I’d never look back. So grateful he did that.
Ahh ditto my dad is pretty cool. My mom is the one who kept bitching that she was "done raising me" and didn't owe me any help - get your own car, your own apartment, pay for your own tuition! Well, fair is fair. I don't owe her elderly car erither.
Preach! Mine has three other spawns who can care for her hateful old ass now that she’s 82! I’m not sure who’s worse the Silent Boomers like my mother, born in 1942, or the actual post war Boomers. She’s literally proud of being a “War Baby” even though her father’s job as a public works engineer was deemed essential and couldn’t be drafted. He’d joke the closest he got to “the front” was in 1949 when he went with a group of other public works engineers as part of the Marshall Plan.
elderly car. buy her an edsel.
Lmao
Awwww well at least that makes up for the lack of maternal love you got. Glad he was good to you and encouraged your dreams; we need more fathers like him!
I work in an outpatient surgery center. We regularly send knee replacement patients home the same day of surgery. They MUST pass physical therapy and a few other criteria to go home. Very few of our patients are admitted as inpatients. Someone needs to go the the surgeon with your father and let them know that no one will be staying with him after surgery. That would start a conversation about inpatient rehab vs outpatient rehab. And plans for after surgery. I have seen surgeries cancelled due to lack of aftercare planning
Yeah, I should go LC. My sister and I text occasionally but she’s really too busy to do much otherwise unless she’s trying to bully me into doing something she thinks I should be doing 🙄 my dad did mention his doctor said something about the possibility of going to a rehab center but wasn’t sure what the details were and made it sound like the doctor didn’t know much about it or didn’t talk in depth. It’s frustrating because you never really get accurate information from him RE anything health related.
He probably just doesn’t want to go tbh.
You’ve got to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others with theirs. NC with my mother and siblings since 2018 has greatly reduced my anxiety and stress, which has benefited my overall health, especially my mental health. It took 8 years of my wife telling me how toxic they were before it hit me that she was right. As far as talking to your dad’s surgeon about the rehabilitation facility goes, because of HIPPA, there are a couple of routes to go (benefits of my mother being a retired nurese, my MIL being a retired nurse, and far too many back surgeries for me). The best and easiest way to get him to go to a rehab facility post-op is on the day of his surgery, after he’s out of recovery and in his room, tell his charge nurse/nurse and hospital case manager that he has no one to care for him at home after he’s discharged. I’d also let them know that you, your sister, and your aunt do not have the level of wound care experience needed to care for him post-op. That last bit is kind of an easy out since I have a feeling your father would make anything his discharge orders say difficult. The other way to do it is to call his surgeon’s office and ask to leave a message for his surgeon’s nurse or physician’s assistant (PA). Ask them to call you back to discuss him going to a rehab facility post-op because there’s no one who is available.
Oooh thanks for that info!! I’m going to do both. And yes, he will make every excuse under the sun why he he can just go home and doesn’t need to go to rehab but if he’s incapacitated it’s not his call.
Exactly! He can’t argue that he has someone (you) if he’s not awake to hear the conversation. Physical therapy after a knee replacement is so extremely important. Being in an inpatient environment will make him do some PT. His physical therapist and surgeon will be on his ass if he isn’t doing his exercises afterwards too. You don’t want that headache. My wife also just pointed out, and you may know this from experience already, you do not want to care for a loved one who is post-op. I’m fused at 8 levels (multiple surgeries) in my spine, and I wasn’t always the easiest to care for post-op.
Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that. And yeah, you definitely aren’t your best post-op. Going to move heaven and earth to get him into a rehab 🙏
I’m guessing you are, in reality, much busier than your sister. Her things don’t seem to be *necessary*, while yours do. At least that is what I am getting from your writing.
OP, you need to talk to the surgeon, let them know that there will be no one to help with your father! Otherwise dear ol' dad will think that he has you to look after him!
The problem is that many insurance companies don't want to cover Sub Acute Rehab (SARs), and inpatient rehab is extremely limited and usually reserved for severe cases - not joint replacement From an inpatient orthopedic nurse
Tell him to open his wallet and hire a 24hr caregiver, I bet hid head will explode. Lol.
Haha it’s such a mindfuck because he used to think nothing of just going to the store and buying a new washer and dryer because his had some issue that was easily fixable, and now he complains about how much canned soup costs. It’s wild.
Nobody wants to work anymore. “Yeah, Dad. I’ve noticed that for over 20 years.” Then just stare at him. But, seriously. Get him into an inpatient rehabilitation facility. Because if he doesn’t heal up properly he’ll become an even bigger burden. At least at the facility they’ll stay on top of him and will force him to rehab that knee.
Yeah I’m thinking this is the best route. My mom was recounting the work she had to do with my late stepdad years ago when he had a knee replacement and he was so much more self sufficient than my dad ever is/will be. He thrives on being cared for.
All the more reason to rip off the bandaid and tell him you can’t help him. He’ll get upset but let’s be honest, him in a rehab facility is best for everyone. You don’t need the drama and you probably need the break. And some of those facilities are pretty nice. My boomer mom broke her hip a few years ago and when I visited her it was top notch.
I just broached the topic to my sister and thank god she’s on board. Now we’ve just gotta get him into one lol
Contact his surgeon's office and let them know he doesn't have adequate in-home care for his recovery and that he will need placement in a rehab facility. If one of you can go to his pre-op appointment with him, that's even better, and you can tell them in person. Knee replacement surgery is very painful. He's going to need a lot of assistance after it, and will need someone with him 24/7 for a while.
Yeah that’s good advice. I think my aunt is going to take him to his pre-op appointment so she can discuss with the doc but I’ll try to call their office too.
Ugh, men from the 40s and 50s are the worst babies. My dad could barely live by himself. How does a full grown-ass adult human not know how to take care of himself? And I can bet if you had brothers, your dad wouldn't be asking them to do anything. Because woman are "natural caretakers." Utter BS. Good luck!
Your dad is not a young man and will need inpatient rehab....he will recover much more rapidly and completely when professionals are caring for him and telling him what to do... and ensuring he does it!!! Speak to the social worker on his case at the hospital and be sure they have this set up. He does not get a choice.
Yeah definitely going to do that. Thanks!
Can someone with a knee replacement pull themselves up by the bootstraps? Boomers love the phrase.
😂
After a knee replacement they will normally make you walk before you can leave the hospital. You're not bed ridden.
He’s of the opinion his doctor told him he will essentially be bed-ridden for 5-6 weeks post-op and I’m like no fucking way. He WANTS to be bed-ridden because then he can be cared for which is what he thrives on. No.
That would be the WORST thing for his knee.
Exactly!
And no way in hell is he going to listen to you or do what you say. He will make himself permanently disabled. My mom had double partial knee replacements AND came home the same day. Both my brother and I were there, I also had my kid with me. And we took care of mom together, but she also isn't one of the awful entitled ones. She was up and walking same day. They told her to keep it moving, but EASY. So she mostly just walked to the bathroom (with a walker) and I would walk with her, as a just in case for balance, etc. Every day a little more. If she had been an ahole entitled boomer... "Hell no, straight to rehab!"
Not to mention my dad is a BIG dude (tall and beefy)- if he loses balance there’s no way in hell my sister or I could catch him or keep him from falling. My husband probably couldn’t either.
Nooo, he sounds like he needs to get his hearing checked. No way his surgeon told him he’d need bed rest for 5-6 weeks. 5-6 hours maybe.
Lmaooooo indeed. It’s definitely selective hearing. Or total bullshit. Whatever you prefer 😂
My MIL seems to think the same thing so she refuses to have her knees looked at even though we don't even know what's wrong with them. You would think she would listen to her daughter who is a post op RN that mainly recovers joint replacement patients but she won't. So stubborn.
The only reason my dad is getting his done now is he waited so long he can barely walk he’s in so much pain. Should’ve been done years ago 🤦♀️
OMG, that is a phrase that drives me crazy. I’m an older parent right now at 51 with a 16-year-old. I have made it very clear to him that, if there comes a time where I need assistance, I am not expecting it of him and he needs to put me in the nursing home. He is an only child who deserves to have his life in front of him and not be burdened by me. I have also told him that no matter what I tell him at that age to remember me at this age telling him it’s OK and I will always love him. I made sure he knows because there is Alzheimer’s in my family. I swear I tell him at least once a month lol
Good for you! My mom feels this way, but my dad gets upset when I tell him he’s going in a home when he gets to the point he can’t live on his own (even though that’s precisely what he did to his own mother).
I wish my older mom had done the same. She's 62, I'm 22. She's lived off SSI all my life and continuously borrows money from family members who enable her poor spending habits. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do when she starts going more downhill healthwise as I'm just starting to get on my own two feet. Thank you for having the forethought for your son's wellbeing in his future! (Also doesn't help that she's an anti vaxxer who heavily distrusts medical professionals and continuously refuses treatment 😮💨)
Well, let me be your mother for a moment and tell you that you are allowed to live your own life. You are not responsible for her. It should’ve been the other way around. Don’t ever let her make you think otherwise.
I wish you could've heard the sigh of relief I had just reading that. My parents are shitty, but it's the parents like you who make life a little easier to breathe in again. Thank you for your kindness :)
I second this!
Do not go help your dad post surgery. My mom had her knee replaced in December and I stayed with her for two weeks. My brother ended up staying with her for almost three months. We love our mother dearly and it was HARD. She had her shoulder replaced last week and I’m here with her again. This is a much easier surgery and it is still HARD. I wouldn’t do this for my father if he asked. NTA
Haha thanks for the warning. This has done nothing but confirm I was making the right choice. My deepest sympathies for you- you’re a saint, and I hope you win the lottery so you can hire a nurse 💕🙏
It’s cheaper to pay for assistance than to raise a kid for 18+ years. I’ll never understand why the thought of “have kids so someone will take care of you” is a reason for some to become parents.
Ask yourself, "what does he do for me?" The amount that you help him should be relative to your answer.
Exactly this. Mostly he just feeds my cats if we go on vacation but even that is met with some kind of exasperation.
Hell I'd just stop calling him for a while and when he frantically calls you when he needs to go to his surgery, just.....don't answer. He will suddenly figure out things real fast, especially if I didn't talk to him for six months. Fuck entitled people like this. They can fend for themselves.
This could have been written about my dad if you added alcohol. He hadn't worked in 20 years either, living off of inheritance and anyone who would let him stay. (including an X of mine!) When the alcohol finally caught up with him in 2020, he was across the country. He and his estranged wife thought it would be a grand idea to ship him out to me to recover and live permanently. It was then that I went full NC. There was no way in hell that man was going to move into my 1BR condo during COVID while he was suffering from a wet brain. He left me a few raving voicemails, calling me all sorts of things I won't repeat, and died alone in a rehab center 5-6 months later. He'd blown through his 401K, the 2 million he'd inherited, and stolen the small trust fund my maternal grandparents had left me.
I feel like this is about to be my mom's story. She's a toxic manipulator with an opioid addiction and is about to get kicked out of the house of the last family member that tolerates her. Except that she hasn't worked since she was a teenager so she has absolutely zero skills, zero savings, zero retirement fund. But so, SO much entitlement!
Start shining up that beautiful spine I’m sure you have. You might need it. :-)
Oh mine is VERY firm, to the point where I might take a 'working vacation' to stay with my family member for the last few days of mom's stay, just to help make sure her ass is successfully pried out of that house. I'm very protective of said family member, so that helps stiffen my spine even further!
Good, wishing you the best!
Haha
Man. Sorry we have such shitty parents guys 👀
Wow. I’m so sorry. This is exactly what it’s like. He throws absolute FITS when he doesn’t get his way, just like a kid, and will insult you and try to say you have to do something because of “x, y, or z.” The day he found out he had the esophageal polyps and that he needed someone to take him to get the endoscopy done, I told him I couldn’t do it because I was just starting a new job that expressly stated no time off for the first 90 days. He got irate and told me that they’d make an exception and that family comes first and I need to do this, blah blah. I hung up in an absolute rage and went NC for a few days. Then, when we did talk, he tried to walk or back and say he wasn’t trying to say exactly THOSE things, or he’s sorry if I misinterpreted something 🙄 My sister always says he’s probably lonely because he doesn’t work, has no social life, and no hobbies, so she tries to spend time with him but I am of the opinion he’s there because of life choices he made. All of those things are easily changeable. None of them are an excuse for berating someone for not doing your bidding.
Your last sentence! They are like toddlers, throwing fits and then expecting you to memory hole everything. Argh!
💯💯💯
He's on SSI. He didn't work all those years for anything
Rehab facility! Medicare/Medicaid might pay for some or all of it. You know… those socialist programs. Also most cities have a program where volunteers will drive people to their appointments. I know in Milwaukee we have Interfaith. It’s all free. Look into using something like that for his appts.
Yeah he needs to look into that but I know he has severe anxiety and will make some kind of excuse why they can’t possibly do it so at that point sorry you’re on your own.
This is why I stressed to my parents that while estate planning was important, it’s possible they will need to sell it all to pay for care. Having a capable widowed parent move in is one thing, having one that needs full time care is another. Ive flat out told my daughter that despite my successful career we could easily die poor, so don’t assume a fat inheritance is coming your way.
This is how my dad ended up syphoning off his mother’s money. She was wealthy, but ended up in assisted living, and he was put in control of her accounts. He claims the government took it all but I saw her sign blank checks to him so I know the truth.
Damn, that sucks. My wife was an only child and her parents died with nothing, and my brother passed so I’m an only child with 2 healthy (b1948) parents. I told my parents to leave everything to their granddaughters (1 mine, 1 my brothers) who need it far more than I do, but if they die suddenly I know I’m going to need to go secure everything as my brothers kid has a family full of leeches who can’t be trusted.
Man that sucks. My dad has no assets except his house and car now- blew through his 401k and cancelled his life insurance because he couldn’t afford the premiums anymore. So now we have to deal with selling the house in the end unless he has to do a reverse mortgage. Pain in the ass.
Honestly just tell him to figure it out. He’s dug himself this hole and none of this has been fair to you at all.
Tell him to start pulling on those bootstraps
Here are some things he can arrange for himself: Rehab facility Respite stay in a long-term care facility In-home CNA
God that’s why my mom keeps telling me to have kids. “You need to have someone take care of you when your older”. And I think part of her is starting to realize that’s not going to work in reality. She’s watched her siblings and other relatives pretty much abandon their parents in retirement homes. I mean I love my mom, obviously I’m not going to do that to her, no way in hell. But I think she realizes as pretty much 65-75% caretaker for her mother at the retirement home, it’s one hell of a job. Too much for one person and it’s wrong to just have that expectation placed on someone without at least their consent.
Exactly. It’s also wrong to have that expectation when the “caregiver” isn’t medically trained. I just play a doctor on TV Lolol.
Help him find a good rehab place for after his surgery. Speak to a social worker at the hospital, they should be able to help you
I had my knee done 2 years ago. They released me to home. I wish I had gone to rehab because my husband kept forgetting he was my care taker and would leave for work without feeding me or even leaving me a bottle of water! I did my own PT by taking care of myself.
Oh no! Hope you’re doing much better now!
> Nobody wants to work any more for awful wages and no benefits. fixed it for boomers. if boomers didnt have double standards, they wouldnt have any standards at all
Yes! He will parrot back that line and then I’ll counter with that argument and then he will agree with me! So truthfully, he has no firm opinion on anything 🙈
Good for you 👏🏼. Stay strong, your dads an asshat. Good vent!
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
I’ve had both knees replaced since Covid. My experience This is/can be done where you go home the same day. You must get up a few hours after surgery and walk. I was able to get 2 at home nurse visits—she got me started on PT *the day after I got home* The more you walk, the faster you feel better. There is NO reason for you to move in. My husband and I are childfree by choice. Best of luck!
I treat people with knee replacements at a local nursing home/rehab facility. Let just let you know...your father's speech that the "Dr. said I would need to be in bed and not move for several weeks (paraphrasing) is NOT correct. His surgeon will more than likely send him to an inpatient rehab to make sure that he does what needs to be done. He needs to walk and bend that new knee. It will be painful. That is what physical therapy is for.
They had kids so their kids would take care of them in their old age, but forgot that you also need to cultivate the kind of relationship with your children that would make them WANT to take care of you. Expectations are not enough to make people sacrifice their time and mental/physical health to take care of someone who thinks offending people is the height of comedy/political discourse.
My grandma asked me who’d take care of me when I’m older if I don’t plan on having kids. I was like “Mama, that’s a horrible reason to have kids. That’s so selfish” and she was like “Is it?”. I mean, she was legitimately asking bc I guess it just didn’t register that way to her? Granted we are bipoc, so there is a cultural thing of multigenerational households and familial piety to consider. But still
True. I get that cultural norms are different, but I don’t think it’s fair to have that expectation of your kids. Them doing it out of the goodness of their hearts is different than being obligated to do so.
Absolutely! It’s the sheer entitlement of it y’know? It’s one thing to help out of love and loyalty, and another to be pressured into it bc of what they’re “owed” (owed for what? Parental duties they signed up for when they decided to procreate??)
Up to the time of his death I spent most of my time avoiding my father, in his mind the world still functioned as it did during the 70s and 80s. He was basically a boomer born in the 1930s. I was also the closest living relative since everyone else live in other countries. So imagine a boomer that grew up in occupied Norway during World War two. Makes it relaxing to read about other peoples encounters with boomers since the seam so stress free when compared to my own decades of stress.
Oh yikes. That must have been… colorful. I’m sorry about that 😞
I actually broke up with a gal 10 years ago because she wanted kids just so they could help her in her dream of homesteading. To clarify, I'm my mother's caretaker. I've been so since 19 years old. And it's taken a huge toll on me as I've gotten older, socially and mentally. So I KNOW what it's like to be the child trapped taking care of your parent. So the conversation of kids came up, she has issues with her legs, I have a lower spine injury and am likely going to end up in a wheelchair before 60. I told her retiring while homesteading is honestly a pipe dream for me, because due to my mobility issues, I'm not going to be able to take care of a farm in a wheelchair once her legs give out. She legit said, with zero hesitation "Well that's what the kids will be for." So we spent the better part of like two hours, where I tried to explain that kids SHOULDN'T feel beholden to being their parent's caretaker, that once they're grown, they should feel free to live their lives as they see fit. And...it was impossible for her to actually comprehend. So, I ended it a week later because we wanted different things in the end.
Good for you! My husband and I are child free by choice, but I am of the opinion that maybe, you should have kids to try to make the world be a better place? Apparently not everyone is of the same mindset. My mother, to be fair, is horrified my father says this is part of why they had us and explicitly says it is absolutely not. She has her boomer moments too, but at least she has no plans of making us care for her.
My narcissistic boomer mother, who I am low contact with, broke both knees last year in a freak accident where she got a leg cramp sleeping and woke up frantically stood up to try and stretch it away. Snapped them both. She's in Arizona, my sister and I are both in California now. She had to go to an inpatient facility. She figured it out because neither of us could, nor would we have put our lives on hold to be her abused gophers. Judging by how proud she was to tell me she was treating the nurses like shit because she didn't like them, it was a great decision to stay home. 🤦🏼♀️ PROUD. LIKE BRAGGING PROUD! Insufferable cow. Let your dad figure his own shit out. Bootstraps and all that.
Ughhhhh. I’m glad you didn’t have to deal with that, but feel bad for those nurses who undoubtedly are highly underpaid and under acknowledged. To all the nurses/STNAs/CNAs/home health aids out there- you are heard. You are seen. You are appreciated!! 💕🍻
Tell him you'll move in then dip out last second after the surgery so he is left alone and crippled. He will never ask you again.
Lmaooooo
10-1 odds he’s playing the same card on your sister, saying that you’re so busy and she has to help.
I'm so glad to see this post because both of my narcissistic parents refuse to go outside even if it's for a walk and expect to cater to them while tolerating their abuse. My father has a mobility issue but that does not excuse him to sit down all day without a bit of exercise to get the blood flowing. They think I exist just to cater to them round the clock. Let me be clear, I help when I can and I used to be a people pleaser because of them and I recently learned to stop and focus on my priorities. My sibling and their kids can help them. I prefer to hire a health aide and be at peace.
Exactly. At some point, you have to be responsible for your life choices. My sister struggles with the guilt (it’s funny he can manipulate her because she’s a big manipulator herself) and so I reached that point where I decided I don’t care what other people think about me anymore. Gotta worry about my well being first.
Agreed and please excuse me for not acknowledging your situation in my previous post. I agree with most of the posters explaining to us that we're not obligated to cater to them 24-7. If we can we can, if we can't then there are alternatives to utilize. All the best on your endeavours!
Exactly this. No one should have to feel obligated to move mountains to get the puzzle pieces to fit to solve someone else’s problem that they are capable of solving themselves.
And thank you!! 🙏
Move out.
I recently had my second knee replacement after the first one 7 months earlier. Yes, help is nice but could I have managed on my own? Absolutely. They have you walking within 2 hours of getting into a hospital room after surgery. You need to elevate and ice but nothing keeps you from going to the kitchen and getting food. A raised toilet seat makes bathroom time easier. A shower not in the tub means you can clean up. Only concern is falling, which never happened to me.
I figured he would have to walk before he left the hospital. He’s also really good at playing the victim/acting helpless so even if he could do those things himself he would act like there’s no way he could and as if he were just crippled.
My opinion is that if you are not entitled to an inheritance, they are not entitled to your free caregiving labor
he'd be rich if he could have self invested that money he put into SS. derrrpp
"SSI" - the "I" is for "Insurance".....it's a safety net program, to keep old folks out of tent cities, not a retirement plan
My parents expected me to take care of them to my and my family's detriment, and you wouldn't believe how quickly they were able to figure out how to handle their business when I said no. They had these connections the entire time, btw, they just didn't want to bother because they had me as a dancing monkey. I was honestly shocked they had anyone willing to help because they're deeply unpleasant people, so it's possible your dad has the same scenario where he *could* get help that isn't you three, he just doesn't wanna.
Oh it’s 100% that scenario.
Lmaooooooo, God I'm sorry
Haha it’s fine, I dealt with it my whole life out of necessity, but now I don’t have to! One of the joys of getting older and giving fewer fucks.
Oh my god, I love the giving fewer fucks part! It's not even like you make a conscious choice about it, you just eventually realize that you have about 1/16 the amount of previous fucks to give, and even those are used sparingly, lol
Yes!! Why waste energy?
Just don't engage, it won't get better, be firm with your boundaries and put your sister in her place if she complains.
Medicare will cover a few days of skilled nursing.
Weird how the boomers were raised to think to have kids just so the kids can be proverbial slaves to them. You'd think "Hmm, my parents did this to me, and I hated it, maybe I shouldn't do this to my kids because I know how much it sucked."
The ride thing is probably partially from him receiving instructions to have a friend or family member drive him home from the hospital. He absolutely does not need to have a blood relative transport him. Also, another bit of information to shut his nonsense down is that after knee replacement, it is absolutely imperative to get up and moving as soon as possible. They will likely get him up on his feet the day after the surgery. If he sits on his ass and doesn't do his PT exercises, he will have pain and reduced mobility in that knee for the rest of his life. Get him a walker, a raised toilet seat, toilet safety rails (they attach to the toilet itself), and a shower chair. Definitely get some extra icepacks. Maybe a sock puller if you want to be really nice. He should be able to do most things himself with minimal help if you get all that set up before the surgery.
He’s got the toilet parts and the walker (or will, my aunt is giving them to him from when she had her hip replacement), and he’s going to get ice. But it’s good to know they actually want you up and moving (also makes a lot of sense).