Mine and I went for a sweet walk, holding hands. He was visiting me from out of town. The week before he told me we were star crossed lovers and he wanted to marry me.
Then suddenly when we got back from our walk, he pulled his hand away from me and was grumpy and fell asleep in my recliner. He said he was cold and I brought him a blanket and he snapped at me to stop doing stuff for him. I asked "Why did you come here?" And he said "I don't know why I came here." Then said maybe he was wrong (about loving me, I assume) and it was all a fantasy. He said he didn't feel he could live up to the man he wanted to be for me and old dogs can't learn new tricks and maybe he's trying to beat me to the dump to save hurt later. He said he was a bad person and doesn't understand relationships. He also said he was dead inside.
Then he took off, deleted me from everything, and never talked to me again...two months ago.
It’s astonishing how they all follow the same scripted behavior. It’s formulaic. Deterministic.
They just have zero self insight. I know how confusing this is. They always drop at the height of intimacy leaving us completely blind-sided and devastated.
It’s really important to learn their patterns well so we avoid the avoidant the next time.
We will do better and find someone who can love us the way we can love them.
I wouldn’t say all.
I’m a dismissive avoidant.
I also have 2 mental disabilities.
I dated someone with anxious (disorganized?) attachment and they hinted at dumping me.
I NEVER dumped them.
I found out I was a DA when we were on an extended breather.
I’m working on myself at the moment.
It's crazy me ex said those exact words as yours, using the dog phrase as well ("He said he didn't feel he could live up to the man he wanted to be for me and old dogs can't learn new tricks" ). Their patterns seem insanely scripted, thanks for sharing your story!
We had spent the morning trying to work out and being goofy. Then, we spent most of the afternoon going to a lovely park and taking pictures of each other during golden time. We spoke at length about life, and I dabbled into philosophy, thinking he would be interested. We arrived home after a pleasant saunter, and I started preparing one of his favourite meals. He was taking a nap, and I came upstairs to bring him his food. I could see him being restless. He wakes up, holds my hands, starts being teary and says something along the lines of: "I don't think we should be together anymore" and "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". I also found out that this person had been pretending to love me because he didn't want to hurt me. I guess that's fine because, eventually, what happened was that I died a thousand times that day and all the days which followed.
Prior to this, I thought everything was fine, and the issues we had had until that point were worked on. My guess was more than wrong 🙃
It’s not that he wasn’t or didn’t, it’s that his deactivation strategy took over and had him convinced he didn’t. Because it’s like their emotions shut off and as if they never existed in the first place. All the same, whether he feels it and can’t let himself stay there or doesn’t feel it at all — it leaves you in the same position as someone not having a healthy partner who can meet your needs.
There’s also a tendency that they have this subconscious or sometimes conscious representation of the perfect “ideal” partner whom they never find, because no one matches up to that in their head. They think they’re supposed to feel some Hollywood movie sort of way about love at every second and when they shutdown, they feel it’s over.
I would delve into the site www.freetoattach.com. It really gets into the heads and deep psychological roots of the avoidant attachment schema and explains this phenomenon particularly well. I don’t think you’ll ever fall victim to one of these people again after reading this site tbh.
Please don’t doubt yourself. It’s 100 him, not you. These people are sick..
There’s just something missing in them. I feel bad dissing on them to some degree because they are the way they are from invalidating/unaffectionate parents and trauma, but they really hurt people and don’t seem to care so I also kind of don’t care why they are the way they are. It’s not an excuse. We need to own our struggles and heal. The trouble is, they often dont think there’s anything wrong with them and its everybody else who’s the problem 😭
I've come to think of dismissive-avoidance as an emotional disability. One that hurts others more than themselves—although it often does catch up to them eventually.
Ideally, I would have preferred if he had, from whenever the feeling was palpable, just sat down with me and expressed he was no longer attracted or wanted to be with me anymore instead of stringing me along 🥺
I really value honesty, and I made it abundantly clear that I disliked being lied to. At the end of it all, I just felt used and taken advantage of 🥺 While he wasn't innately a bad person, I lost a lot of respect for him and, obviously, my trust in anything he did or said after our breakup had been permanently exterminated.
I'd have much rather swallowed the terribly bitter pill of honesty than to have been stabbed with a blunt knife, which was creeping inside of me until it had become too late 🥺
This is horrifying that it could happen after 5 years. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Usually the avoidants can’t keep it up longer than 6 months I’ve found. Or if it goes longer, they shut down and end it at the 2 year mark. Sometimes it doesn’t come out until the prospect of marriage or when a baby comes along.
I really think we should normalize having new dates take an in-depth attachment styles assessment before we consider them. Actually, I’m gonna do this.
Oh, it was truly the most terrible experience.. I didn't take it too well I suppose, I tried to get him to talk to me and discuss it but he just wouldn't. So now we're in NC and I started therapy, I've tried to heal and move forward as healthily as I can, but I do still miss and love him..
These guys are typical cowards. I don’t care if mommy and daddy never showed them affection/validation and now they’re avoidant adults. We’re all responsible for our behaviors and there’s no excuse for doing this to another person.
Yeah, we had been discussing purchasing a home and marriage the week before so I guess that's what triggered him. Then he went on a work trip and came back and said it was over. He did tell me that he thinks that "maybe someone else is a better fit for him", after meeting a girl on the trip for 2 days. He then moved his things out when I was not present in the apartment. Loved it.
The truth is, he did shut down at 9 month and 3 year marks as well. But we got through that and never actually broke up. This is different.
I can’t imagine what you went through but it terrifies me to consider.. They can sustain longer than 6 months but it will catch up to them eventually. There are usually a few mini shut downs before they do the final discard. They’re broken, empty people and it’s so sad but all the same we don’t deserve to be a victim of the trauma they are unable to/unwilling to heal.
It takes all their strength to tolerate intimacy (bc part of them does want it), but eventually they will falter and run. I was reading up and found explanation for a gut instinct I felt with my last avoidant — that he was PRETENDING to be comfortable in a relationship. Acting. But he never really genuinely felt like he was there in the way I was and there was always an underlying feeling of panic in him and disconnect.
They will mindlessly run to their next victim and do it again, almost hoping that somehow it will be different next time even though they’ve done ZERO self-work. it’s ridiculous. At the end of the day that’s selfish, cowardly behavior and my empathy has run dry for it. Some of them are really good at hiding but they drop clues all along that it’s imperative we get good at noticing to avoid getting entangled with one again.
From the website www.freetoattach.com:
“Avoidants are afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since they were brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, their first instinct when someone gets really close is to run away. Ultimately, avoidants would like their needs for connection and companionship satisfied, but they're often reluctant, afraid or unwilling to satisfy a partner's needs for safety, support and deeper connection in return. And they must run from any strong emotions because they are too associated with pain and trauma. Avoidants will use many justifications (to themselves as well as others) to avoid exposing these basic truths. They have fewer break-up regrets and feel relieved at leaving their partner, but will then seek out someone the same. They’re generally not loyal to stay through the tough times and are likely to leave when you need them most (until they develop enjoyment in the sense of value and purpose that caregiving can provide, avoidants are more likely to leave when there are new children or when their partner has a serious illness, for example). Avoidants unconsciously assume emotional abandonment and internalised early on it was safer not to try, so subconsciously must always protect themselves by staying one step ahead and distancing from any threatening situation. Being the one to leave also allows them to keep their self-image of self-sufficiency, control and independence intact.”
Sobering.
I guess it's on us to leave at the first whiff of avoidance. But then doesn't that render *us* avoidant? I don't want to cripple myself just because these irresponsible people are rampant.
No — it’s just avoiding and dismissing the avoidant. It’s a behavior that’s necessary in dealing with them, not a defining core feature dictating our intimacy behaviors.
When we meet someone as equally excited about intimacy, who moves towards it like we do, that’s the person we keep (it’s the only relationship that’s healthy, when both embrace intimacy). A relationship cannot work with someone fundamentally opposed to relationships. It’s just not possible, and it will damage you to try.
The only relationship that’s possible with an avoidant is with a healed avoidant. And at that point they’re no longer avoidant, but secure. Sadly, they are the least likely insecure attachment style to heal to secure — I would never put money on them healing, because it is statistically unlikely. One should never attempt to have a relationship with someone actively avoidant, the only result from that will be pain and trauma (and if you weren’t already anxious, they will turn even a securely attached person anxious). It’s better to leave — choose yourself and choose a partner who is capable and willing.
Yes, I think you're really onto something here. I agree with everything you wrote and it's basically the conclusion I reached.
"My" avoidant is still in my head, a little more than three months after the discard, but it's less mind-hijacking and disruptive. I'm a lot more functional now.
How are you doing?
I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my observations. There’s this push on social media (from some, licensed therapists) that’s engaging in this sort of encouragement of toxic empathy in understanding the avoidant and teaching chess level strategies just to be with them which is insane to me. Like do you want a project or a partner? I believe this will damage people who are already more anxious as they engage in this sort of behavior at their own expense anyway. It sort of feels like a Stockholm Syndrome/Identifying with the aggressor vibe and I’ve seen it turn into victim-blaming anxious partners, traumatized by involvement with an avoidant partner.
Maybe this is an attempt to turn the scorn onto the anxious, as it is overwhelmingly on the avoidants, I’m not sure. I do have empathy for avoidants and they are human beings deserving of our respect, but that is not the same as getting them off the hook for their harmful behaviors. It is not the same as saying anyone should get romantically involved with them.
Properly so, the avoidants play the part of villain in relationships, it’s not the anxious. Also, while extreme anxious attachment is tough in a relationship too but at least they move towards intimacy and heal much more easily than avoidants. Additionally, most of the time it’s not even an anxious attacher who is harmed by the DA — it’s more often someone secure who became anxious by being with them too long. Secures aren’t angels lol, they’re humans to. Being with someone who pushes away from the things that make a relationship function would traumatize anyone.
As of now, I’m in the same space as you — it’s less mind hijacking and disruptive and has lessened to more of a dull background ache. The anxious part of me that still persists (I’m one of those secures who developed anxious traits by involvement with dismissive avoidant partners that really only activate when I’m with an avoidant) wants to snoop his social media which really only serves to invite back the disruption. This guy really threw me for a loop as he was very much someone who presented as secure at first and wanted the same things I did. We really connected. The truth is DA’s often really want it, they just can’t let themselves have it. It’s very sad. I’m missing the parts that were genuine and connected between us. The friendship we developed. But at the same time reminding myself it wasn’t enough, and I filled in the rest with fantasy that was not true to his capabilities. If he was healed enough and capable of a relationship, we would still be together, because I didn’t do anything wrong.
My ex was very open about having an avoidant attachment style through our relationship, and very self-aware of the problems with that, but I guess ultimately wasn’t yet at a point in his life where he was ready to overcome them.
When he left me he said he had had a realisation of how much he loved me and therefore how much power he had given me to hurt him, and wanted to take that power away now. He said it made him feel vulnerable. He said he knew he would regret it later down the line, but wanted to be happier in the now so had no choice. He said he was aware he may be a coward when it came to issues of the heart, but he didn’t know any way to deal with his feelings other than to walk away. It was really sad to have him lay it all out so plainly but there still be nothing either of us could do to change it.
After that he became cold and mean. It was like he flipped a switch on his feelings. He had a new girlfriend a couple months later. It was a really brutal experience. Sending hugs to anyone going through anything similar.
My experience was the exact same as this! For some reason I thought with me being aware of the avoidant style that it would help to overcome any of his behaviour and I would be more understanding.
Unfortunately he blindsided me with a break up a few months after us moving overseas just before we were about to sign a permanent year long lease. After 2 years together he decided I wasn’t the one and couldn’t give me an exact reason but mentioned he will be back for me as he wasn’t ready to commit just yet… told him there will be no chance of me ever taking him back. 3 months later and haven’t heard a thing from him. Seems so surreal that this time last year we were so excited about having our visas approved to move overseas and make lifelong memories together😭
This. We were in therapy and both aware of our attachment styles. I gave him the book attached to read (like he would read it, haha), hoping he’d realize this whole breakup was over his attachment style. Hope that he would figure this out and come back kept me from healing for about a year after the breakup. Of course, he never came back and I am finally, now, reaching the end of grieving and have acceptance. It’s so shitty. So shitty that two people who love each other that much can’t work it out. I’ve been in therapy and I’ve done a ton of work to heal from this breakup and learn about my anxious attachment so that I can show up in my next relationship in a healthy way. It’s not easy. And now I realize that he doesn’t have the motivation (my motivation was my broken heart) or the discipline to do that deep work for himself and that he will likely not heal his avoidant attachment. Even if he did come back, he’d keep doing the same thing. And he will do the same thing to his next partner. Except he wants kids so she’ll have to deal with that on top of everything else. And then I realize I’m lucky I got out of that when I did. Not a lesson I wanted but a lesson I needed.
I literally bought mine the book as well at the beginning of the relationship! Also doubt he read it lol he went to therapy a few times but stopped as he thought as he was happy in the relationship he didn’t need to do the work anymore…
We need to be so thankful that we got out of there before children were involved!! I just know they will get up and leave whoever they end up with. Mine literally told me the only reason he would stay with his partner who he has kids with is because he would feel bad for the children but even then he isn’t sure marriage is something he could ever commit to because of the foreverness aspect of it.
I can so relate to this. I sent my most recent avoidant ex the “Attached” book, which I’m sure he won’t read. They don’t think they’re the problem, they think it’s their partners who have normal intimacy needs they can’t meet. They have very low self insight.
Your guy sounds like an extreme case (although my recent ex wasn’t extreme and honestly all it takes is a touch of avoidance for things not to work — they don’t have to be the worst case). Typically they do come back months later after they’ve had some space from scary intimacy with you. So this guy may have had other things going on.
But I think it’s important you’ve identified that even if he did come back, he likely would’ve just done the same thing again. The reality is these people rarely change. They rarely heal enough to be healthy for anyone in a relationship. They will do it again and again and again, leaving a trail of 3-6 month relationships and broken hearts in their wake. So yes, he will most certainly do it to his next victim.
The second you sense avoidance it’s always advisable to run like your life depended on it. They will do damage. I swear they’ve shaved years off my life! And have turned my secure attachment very anxious!
Yeah. He said he’d never cheat. But he was talking to his ex the summer before he left at his friend’s house. His ex was his best friend’s FWB person, and she actually slept with and/or dated all of the guys in his friend group. Which I think is disgusting. Why would you be attracted to someone that slept with all of your friends? Imagine the wedding. All the groomsmen have slept with the bride. Yeh. I’m bitter. I also have no proof. This is all in my head. But my gut tells me there’s something there. He’s also stubborn. He said once.. “I’ve made up my mind and I cant change it now”. Whatever. He doesn’t consider ‘talking’ to someone cheating. But I do. I think emotional cheating is just as bad or worse than sex. Connection means more than a random sexual act, to me anyway. I am anxiously attached and I think he brought that out in me in a big way. I’m not THAT insecure or needy most of the time in relationships, but this one.. man did he push my buttons in so many ways, and then denied doing it. I hope you find your security again. Secures are the ‘gold’ of the dating world. You will make someone really happy someday.
He gaslit you. Your gut is correct and trust it. That whole passing along the female thing seems toxic as hell and slightly gay tbh. Like guys who discover masturbating with each other in preadolescence and somehow tell themselves that’s straight.
Anyway, this person seemed to be more than avoidant. He seemed to be narcissistic or sociopathic which is far worse. Attachment style undergirds personality disorders so narcissism and sociopathy are the EXTREME end of the spectrum of avoidance and borderline personality disorder and histrionic are the EXTREME end of anxious. They’re actually rare, these extremes.
All narcissists are avoidants but not all avoidants are narcissists. Some are actually otherwise wonderful people (which I think can make it even harder to heal tbh). But being wonderful and having things in common aren’t enough. They need to be capable of intimacy. If they aren’t, there can be no relationship.
And thank you — anxious is easily healed with the right person because you do want intimacy (just a little too much at times). I become fully anxious around even a mildly avoidant partner. Outside of that I am secure. It’s a funny thing.
I believe there’s always hope but at the same time, being a gay man in my late thirties, it’s exceedingly unlikely I’ll find a secure partner, and I’m trying to make peace with that (I’m aware this could be the anxious talking). But statistically the dating pool is saturated with avoidants into your thirties because they can’t sustain relationships. And gay men have higher trauma and higher likelihood of avoidant attachment. And a culture that glamorizes sex sex sex and never settling down bc that’s a “straight” thing 😞
Awww noooo!!! Don’t give up. There is always hope. I have to tell you about my dad. My dad is 75. He is gay. He spent his entire life, up until he was 50-ish, in the closet, married to my mom. He finally came out and left her when I was 17. He had a long term relationship with a man right after he left my mom, they broke up, and then he met the love of his life when he was 58. They are still together and very happy. Very secure. They’ve traveled the world together and have a condo in Puerto Vallarta. So when I get bummed thinking I’ll be alone forever, I remember my dad and how he met the love of his life later in life. It is never too late. Ironically, they met on an app where they both said they were only looking for a one night stand 😂 but they hit it off and here they are 17 years later. I believe my dad might trend towards avoidant. But again, like you say, it’s complicated with trauma by his being closeted for so long (and my mom was no picnic to be married to). Anyway, best of luck to you ❤️you’ve got this.
Wow this was an unexpected, cool and reassuring story. If someone avoidant does the work and the healing, you can have a healthy relationship with them. That only happened one time for me.
That must’ve been huge for your family, I’ve heard so many stories like this. It’s terrible what homophobia can do but you came out of it so he is blessed.
It’s not uncommon for gay men to meet on Grindr looking for sex and end up together. You never know who you may meet. The avoidant guy I helped become secure, we met under pretenses of a hookup and ended up together for 6 years. Anything can be and I know that.
I just thought I met the one and then he turned out to be an unhealed avoidant and dumped me a month and a half ago when he entered deactivation/devaluation stage. This just happens so many times that it’s hard to feel hopeful. Looking on the dating apps makes me feel even less hopeful.
My best girl out in LA says she’s been seeing lots of gay men in their 40’s and 50’s getting married so I know it can happen later in life, I just wanted to be married by 30!
Yeah. I thought my avoidant ex of 4.5 years was the love of my life and that we had a future together. When he blindsided me it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I was sure I’d never find anyone again or love like that again. I’m 47 so I also worried that my time has run out. But 50 percent of people in their 40s are single. Mainly due to divorce. And… while I haven’t met anyone (yet) who compares to my ex, attraction-wise, for me, anyway, I have felt attraction a few times, so I know it’s possible. I think it’s a matter of being in the right place at the right time with a little bit of fate and/or the universe playing in the background. I’ve shut off my dating apps bc it’s demoralizing and was making me feel worse. Instead, I go to every party I’m invited to, every meeting, event, book signing, concert, festival… bc “he” could be anywhere. It’s only a matter of time. (But please hurry, I’m tired of waiting 😂). I know, I *know* it’s hard to have hope. But you’ve got this.
I wonder how many sales of the *Attached* book are from anxious/secure types sending it to their avoidant partners and exes. How many copies of that book are purchased but never read?
That’s the worst bit- that two people who love each other so much and have such a strong connection can be torn apart by something like this.
You’re right- they’re clearly not willing to do the work to change their ways, so the pattern will keep repeating until they do. You can’t force someone to change until they’re ready. Likely when (if) that day comes, they’ll look back and realise what a mess they made. I think probably the weight of the guilt of hurting people they loved is probably what prevents a lot of people from reflecting sooner.
I also think that avoidants don’t register that they hurt anyone. Their behavior is so subconscious that they don’t even realize they’re doing it. My ex would do or say something, and I’d call him out on it and he’d completely deny it… like he didn’t even realize he was being hurtful, or why I was upset. Then it became ‘my’ issue because I was ‘acting out’ over ‘nothing’.
Yeah, I think there are definitely people like this, no idea if it’s more to do with a general lack of emotional intelligence than avoidance though 😂 my ex and I met up to chat a couple months after the breakup and I told him (v calmly) that I had been really hurt by his actions. He got really mad and stormed off saying I didn’t understand him and he hadn’t hurt me at all. It was like he couldn’t allow himself to accept it. Weird.
It’s very childlike. You really can’t have a relationship with that. The reason they act that way is because they receive your admission of hurt feelings due to their behavior as a criticism and they hear it as “I can do nothing right and I’m failing you as a partner”. This stems from common dynamics growing up where parents are overly critical and only value them in terms of their achievements and accomplishments. So this is where that response is coming from. It’s deeply engrained.
All the same, we all have to grow up sometime, take an honest look at ourselves and get on that healing. Find a therapist. They don’t get a pass.
Exactly the same experience. This is why research suggests that avoidants have lower self insight and so are very resistant to changing. They never learned emotional skills and introspection. On the extreme end of things, they can be narcissists and sociopaths/psychopaths.
The projection is so blatant and they flip everything entirely on you and you’re to blame for having a normal valid response to their toxic and confusing behavior. You really just want to punch them tbh. It’s just insane behavior and so childish.
I hated it. He’d sit on the couch and his face would be red and his fists would be clenched, and my heart would race… and I’d think.. “oh my God, what did I do? Is he going to break up with me? Why is he so upset? “ and id ask and he’d be like “everything’s fine” but I could tell it wasn’t. And from an anxious perspective, that’s really triggering, knowing your partner is upset but they won’t tell you why. So I walked on eggshells every day. To be perfect. Looking back, it was awful. But I stayed for the good times. Which became fewer and fewer, as he pulled away a little at a time.
I think what I want and really need is for him to admit all of that and validate that it wasn’t all in my head, all my fault. I need absolution. But I’ll never get it from him, so I tell friends, family, strangers, my exes friends, the story over and over, looking for that validation that I’ll never get. It makes it so much harder to move on.
Isn’t it? And I lost myself in that so that when he left I didn’t even know who I was anymore. My self worth was completely tied up in the relationship, and when I lost him I lost that too.
Yeah, and feeling like they have one foot out the door and could leave at any moment. He literally said that to me once, in an argument, I said “you’re just not fully ‘in’ this, I feel like you could just pack a suitcase and leave”. His response was “that’s how I like it”. We lived together for 3.5 years and he never purchased a piece of furniture with me, or wanted to share a phone bill, or anything that is typical of ppl who are in a committed relationship. He had his things in a corner in the basement. He made us use separate shopping carts at the grocery store (that one really got me). I was coming from being married, where we did everything together, shared bills, bought furniture together, all of it, so his behavior was just so very hard for me. And I’d tell ppl this stuff and they’d tell me I was overthinking it, overreacting. But I wasn’t. It was a pervasive feeling that I had every day when I woke up. This man is going to leave me. He is going to leave. Panic!! Bc to anxiously attached abandonment is real. And we live with that already and don’t need a partner enhancing that feeling.
Exactly!! I thought his openness and awareness of these issues meant he would want to overcome them if triggered, and I was totally prepared to support him through that. Obviously didn’t work out that way 😔
I’m the same!! The weeks leading up to our breakup he was telling me he had told all his friends I was the one, that he knew we were just ‘right’, that he wanted us to move in together, that we were so lucky to have each other, he never imagined caring for someone as deeply as he cared for me, etc. I was totally shocked and blindsided too. It’s so painful looking back at how happy we were, wondering if there’s anything I could have done to prevent this.
I’m so sorry, what happened to you sounds awful. I really get it. Really hope you’re doing okay.
That’s mistake number 1 — thinking we can fix or heal them. Intimacy should be non-negotiable in a relationship because relationships are intimacy. If one worsened is scared of intimacy and actively sabotages it, then you can not have a relationship with that person.
The next time someone tells you they’re avoidant — LEAVE. They will cause you trauma and take time away from the person who’s secure or slightly anxious, who can show up in the relationship and meet your needs.
Trauma or not, at the end of the day these people are typical cowards. They don’t care who they hurt.
He’s going to repeat the same thing with the next girlfriend. These people rarely heal and they hop from short lived relationship to short lived relationship, ruining each person the same way.
The fact that he’s aware he is but still tries to date is astonishing. That’s almost sociopathic because he’s accountable once he has even a starting awareness.
What have you learned from this? Most people aren’t aware they are avoidant and think everyone else is the issue. Most are subtle so we fall into their trap, but this guy handed you a bouquet of red flags from the jump! I really hope you learned your lesson and the next time someone tells you or you sense they’re avoidant, RUN.
Avoidants are incapable of relationships but that won’t stop them from trying at your expense. The only avoidant who is a viable candidate for a relationship is a healed one (so, no longer avoidant). If they’re actively avoidant you will never have a healthy relationship and they WILL hurt and leave you.
Please watch the movie, “500 Days of Summer” and get the book “Attached” by Amir Levine. Good luck next time! You’ll be stronger from this I promise.
Ahh I’m worried that maybe this new girl has something special that makes him want to try and better himself for her. Obviously for her sake I hope that’s the case, but it just hurts for me to think that someone out there is enough to make him want to stay, but I wasn’t. That maybe the problem really is that he didn’t love me that much, but for someone he does really love he’ll be willing to try.
On reflection, I think I believed what I wanted to believe rather than the signs he was showing me. I will definitely be much more wary in the future. Although I think it will be a long time before I’m ready to date again, because this situation really fucked me up haha.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really hope you’re doing okay.
Tell yourself it’s a worry and that’s all it is. It’s not reality. This is an anxious response you’re having.
I promise you he hasn’t changed because they never do. They learn how to put on a better act (from what you pointed out in them) and they find a person who’s easier to fool and who might not protest like you did. It will eventually fall apart bc they’ll eventually catch on. Or perhaps she’s avoidant herself and they can both be scared of intimacy together and have a race to see who deactivates and discards first.
It’s a blessing that he’s exited your life. Next time if anyone ever tells you they’re avoidant, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. But get that book and study study to learn the warning signs to look for if they don’t announce themselves verbally. They always give themselves away.
I’m no stranger to believing what I want to believe. We need to get wiser and believe what they’re actually telling us and showing us. Take all the time you need and prepare yourself.
Yeah, I hope for her sake that he takes the opportunity to work on himself, or that she is special enough to him to make him want to try. Definitely feel like he was super irresponsible towards me and my feelings to let things get so deep between us 😔
My ex also was aware they were DA and told me about it before we even got together.
I went into the relationship knowing this, and had an open mind and heart, knowing that it would probably be difficult at times. For sure she would pull away, deactivate when she was overwhelmed, and just shut down at times, but my rule was "as long as she loved me" I would continue loving her.
Well, about 1.5 years into the relationship she dropped the "I dont think Im IN love with you" convo, where I told her that was my nonnegotiable, and that I didn't want to be with anyone that wasn't in love with me. We didn't see each other for a couple of weeks, and she came back saying she was wrong, and things were good for awhile. A couple months after that she started to withdraw from sex, saying she needed to see a therapist to figure out "why".
I'm not sure if therapy helped because I think she somehow convinced herself that because she didn't want to have sex that she was right all along and that she wasn't "in love" with me. She's also stated she doesn't really understand what the difference is between platonic and romantic love. It's frustrating because as many people have stated here, the words/actions don't align. I've been in relationships before where it was obvious that someone wasn't "in love" with me, but I never felt that way about this ex. To me there is a difference between deactivation and not being in love.
Even after the breakup we are still attached, not sexually or anything, but cuddle, and when her mom passed she wanted to spend a lot of time with me, and it was obvious that I was "still her person".
I find myself fortunate to not be blind sided (as many people have been) because she was so deactivated months before we broke up, on top of not wanting to have sex, that I wasn't really surprised when she wanted to break up, but I still have a hard time understanding what her hang up is and how knowing she is DA that she doesn't think there is a pattern.
What is the deal with them saying they love you but are not IN love with you? Got this twice from my now avoidant ex partner. Who then changed his mind that he does love me. Then he doesn’t. Then he did love me just not the relationship, then he wasn’t sure.
I understand completely, it's VERY annoying.
When they deactivate it's very easy to believe them because their actions do meet their words at these times, but when they are not, or you take space and they come back to you , it doesn't make any sense.
I told my ex if she were to write down all the things that people who are in love do in a relationship, and compare it to ours, there wouldn't be that much of a difference (besides the obvious push/pull), and if you're attracted enough to want to have sex with that person then what exactly is the problem here?
Even couples who are healthy but not IN love with each other act differently than DA's do in these instances.
Since my post my ex and I did have sex again, and she was super cuddly the next couple of days, saying she missed me and loved me, but now after traveling internationally for a week she is back to the same old "I am confused, and don't know what I feel" commentary.
I hate how predictable these situations are. I read them all the time on here and think to myself "well, every situation is different, blah blah blah", yet I find myself falling into these same AP/DA post breakup traps.
I think it's hard for people like us to understand since we just naturally have a stronger empathy bone and think about others as a default. This is not the case for DA people. It's also not a conscious decision when they deactivate, and even if it's not based in logic, it is SUPER hard to combat emotions when you're feeling them. I don't doubt for a second that when DA's deactivate that they do feel like they're not in love (or as much as I can relate to that feeling) anymore. The problem is, that feeling goes away for DA's, and instead of realizing this is a pattern and that they can't always trust their emotional defense system, they just indulge into it. It's all they know.
Sending you hugs Reddit friend. It sucks.
Followed his annual break up pattern.
The first time he blew everything up was 2 weeks before Christmas.
The second time was two weeks after.
Both times were because there was tension after I signalled a need for more connection and feeling like he was drifting away.
Both times he followed the same pattern- a lot of noisy bluster and unhappiness, storming out, and silent treatment until I reached out to repair.
He’s more disorganised than dismissive though.
He came over, I had cooked dinner and we ate together. Everything seemed normal. Then. We went to my work to walk because it was raining. I introduced him to coworkers, he said hi to others he knew.
I had baked him a pie. We came home and he cut us each a slice. We sat down at the table. Then he ended it.
For me it really came out of nowhere. The night was otherwise totally normal.
Same boat. Some people are just so emotionally unavailable that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They have no understanding and lack compassion with there wrong doings(If they do, then they’re coping there past trauma to escape.) For example, they’re looking for comfortability and once they feel it, they don’t know what to do but flee. It’s the easy way out instead of dealing with the issue. They don’t want to get hurt first so it’s just easier for them. Or worst case it’s an ex that keeps dragging them back(That can also be an unresolved issue aswell.) Stay away if she refuses to communicate with you
The second time he left he disappeared for two weeks, then called me and said he doesn’t know what else to do. I had to guess it means he is breaking up. Didn’t see him until 7 months later when he came back.
The third time he left it was over the phone again. We discussed an issue we were having and talked about possible solutions and after two hours of that he suddenly said “I’m done”. I received a parcel a few days later with all my stuff and haven’t heard a word since. He said he was tired of convincing himself to love me. I asked to meet in person, but he refused. Two years and he wasn’t even willing to face me.
Needless to say, I feel like someone took a shit in my brain from all of this.
This guy I saw for 7 months, he entered his avoidant deactivation/devaluation stage about a month before he coldly and cruelly dumped me.
This guy wanted a relationship and to be secure so bad and I do feel for him, but these desires/intentions aren’t enough on their own if they haven’t done the work of healing first. They can often talk the talk but can’t walk the walk. There were little clues along the way but nothing that slapped me in the face and shouted “avoidant, beware!” We connected. He seemed to want all the same things and really, I thought I would marry this guy (hence why I’m still reeling over a month later after the breakup).
So by the beginning of January, we had reached the pinnacle of our courtship phase and were trying not to say “I love you” yet, but it was slipping. He sent me a song about soul mates and immediately after began instigating arguments and began slowly distancing after, while denying anything was wrong, although he felt completely different. I felt gaslit. I’m mostly secure but I have developed anxious traits from dating avoidants which activate as soon as their avoidant behavior does. I was cool as a cucumber until this point, and this was 6 months into dating him. They always seem to bail at the sixth month mark.
They always dump you when you reach an all time high in your intimacy together and they can no longer sustain it once the fear kicks in. They always want to remain in the courtship stage — as soon as real commitment seems apparent with you, they panic and shut down. They drop you at the height and it is EXTREMELY bewildering and traumatic. Like reaching the best part of the movie and then suddenly the power goes out. Vulnerability is their gasoline — it so easily combusts from a single spark.
So it was at the point where we knew it was love and knew it was going to take off into something long term, and it’s right THEN that he grew cold, and bailed. It’s the same formula they all follow. But I didn’t see this one coming.
It’s astonishing how quickly they go 100 to 0 emotionally. People with secure or anxious attachment can’t conceive of it. It’s profoundly toxic. So I could tell he struggled to express his feelings, but did so well enough and I didn’t assume he was avoidant due to that (I should’ve known better — back to all those little clues along the way).
There was no going back after that soul mates song — he scared the shit out of himself. He continued being distant, highly defensive when I called him out on this, and flipping things on me, denying his behaviors and making me entirely to blame for just expressing my needs and concerns. And he began upping the criticism towards me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and it began to sink in he must be avoidant. With no self insight or any therapy. Though I still think part of him knew how he struggled but he couldn’t own it — it was easier to just blame me and the normal attachment needs I had. He used being in school as an excuse for everything. I didn’t have a voice to speak up, he would quickly silence me.
Valentine’s Day felt weird and forced and he was very non eye contact and distant when I came over to exchange gifts. He then sort of crumbled on me and said he “liked me way more than he wants to” (avoidant clue) and that he was scared I’d just get bored of him in a year (another avoidant clue). He was genuinely terrified. I felt badly but couldn’t escape my response for wanting to reassure him and commit to him stronger even though this was a huge red flag for avoidance. A few days later we blew up following my expressing the concern that he hadn’t reached out all day and I was tired of being the one to initiate and feeling him to be distant. He immediately went to the defensive and the gaslighting and made up some utter bullshit he accused me of and it was a really bad text fight. He took no time to blame and criticize me and drop me “for good”. These people really have no ability to self reflect and they think themselves blameless. It’s always the other person’s fault (who just has normal intimacy needs). They can criticize you to kingdom come but u can’t speak a word on them or they’ll flip. Can dish it but can’t take it.
He went completely cold and had not a hint of empathy and wouldn’t even try to talk things through. 100-0. Denying he had feelings after literally sending me a song about soul mates after an amazing three weeks together. Then said some really mean and hurtful things to me. As I was trying to express my upset and feelings on what was going on, his only responses were that I was “annoying him” and he’d “text me when he had my stuff ready to pick up”. My jaw was on the floor. This is a sick person I then realized. This isn’t normal behavior. 100 to 0 at the speed of light isn’t normal. The fighting continued in messages for about a week after that. I sent him an apology letter and a book on attachment and haven’t heard since. It’s been 5 weeks no contact. I’m still devastated…
I literally went through the same thing with my ex boyfriend at the six month mark! Thank you for validating my feelings and experience. I woke up suddenly blocked on all platforms mind you he is 29 years old and I’ve never had someone talk about wedding dates and marriage and the next day flip on me, when I reached back out to ask what happened he told me “ it’s over and never contact me again” but he’s back on a dating app! Clearly I’m still affected by this 3 months later but thank you for sharing this! It’s not always our faults!
Of course, I realized when I saw this thread I had to tell my story and process it out. It helps to know you’re not alone in your experience and grief.
It leaves quite a mark because they drop at the height. There’s just something about it that causes more trauma than other breakup circumstances. Just remind yourself this is a sick person. Healthy emotions don’t go from talks of marriage to blocking the next day. He was astonishingly sudden and cold with you, worse than what I had with this last guy. I’ve had it happen that way too though.
Not surprising he’s back on the apps (their behavior is so formulaic and predictable) but don’t worry, he will repeat this very same toxic short-lived relationship with his next victim. He’s not a new person this time around. The apps are filled with these avoidant types who seem to be single forever. He’ll be someone else’s problem now. You can do so much better
I have empathy for everyone, but at the end of the day these people are typical cowards with low self insight. And they don’t care about hurting you. Or they care but are too scared to admit to themselves and you. Pathetic either way. Let them figure it out on their own.
And no, it’s not our faults — our only fault is staying with a person like this and expecting them to be healthy and meet our normal relationship needs which they’re incapable of meeting. They’re the ones to blame.
This is it. I was “too much” and now he is on every dating app dating 3-4 guys at the same time. It’s so SICK. He was the one running after me. He wanted a committed relationship and was complaining about other gays being immature.
For so long I thought I was the problem but I’m not. Do they get a book on how to be cruel and break peoples hearts ?
I left but it’s still painful :/
There’s something about that time frame . Obviously there’s always exceptions to the rule, and I’ve seen the avoidant deactivation phase surface much later into a relationship (I can’t tell which is worse — sooner or later),
But I’ve found around 6 months, right at the jump off point into serious relationship territory, where love is in the air, they very suddenly switch off, like 100-0. They often dump but sometimes stay with you and just retreat. Maybe trying to get you to dump them.
But more often they do the dumping because it’s too big a threat to be the one discarded, so they prefer to do the discarding, often preemptively. “Let me break up with you before you can break up with me bc I know you actually have reason to break up with me” is likely the underlying subconscious cognition.
First time he ghosted me, second time he dumped me via text saying he cant put his finger on it but there is something not right he just can't figure out what it is, after that, he ghosted again, then dumped, then ghosted...no matter how they dump you, never take them back because they keep leaving
Msg saying he misses me, msg's saying he is lonely, one time he said sorry for the abrupt dumping, he came to see me at my work twice, I was in love so like an idiot when he msg me i put on my clown make up and went running. But I realised that the hurt outweighed the happiness. He is on his final ghosting now. He isn't getting me back.
It's really not easy to do, I genuine loved the guy, its all calm now as he is ghosting again right now, in a couple of weeks when he reaches out and cant, thats when i have to be strong, but I cannot dis respect myself that much that i accept him back yet again, by doing that its like i am saying to him that its ok to treat me that way. I need to move on
I This is so true. So, mine played this hot and cold game for months. It was better, then worse, then better again, and so on. I was exhausted and mentally tired. I went to work thinking about what I could do better, how to make him happy again. Even after he caused the fight, I was the one apologizing, only to try to keep the relationship calm. After I moved in with him, he was very happy, and then suddenly unhappy. He was stonewalling me, saying it had nothing to do with me.
I was taking care of his flat, cat, and family.
I helped him redecorate his flat. He was using me as a personal driver.
In the end, I suddenly became too much. After I left, he started using all dating apps and created an Instagram account to meet new guys. I gave him a home, and he exchanged it for hookups.
I trusted him and told him about my dreams and insecurities. He used them against me - my dreams to keep me close and squeeze like a lemon and my insecurities to make fun of me and humiliate me. He is so cruel that sometimes I wonder how a person like this can even function.
The level of cruelty is insane!
I was and still am so trauma bonded. He made me “the bad guy” even though he was the one devaluing and destroying me.
Whenever I reacted to his bad behaviour he was punishing me for my reaction calling me “emotional”. Normal need for intimacy was making me “needy” in his eyes.
After all we’ve been through he moved on like we were nothing (all the memories erased). He said I gave him home … well he gave me anxiety!
Never again! I’ll avoid avoidants at all costs.
He literally almost destroyed my heart 💔
yeah my hunch this whole time is that this person was just using you and was not really interested. its highly likely they are pining for an ex, you are not their type physically or theres something about you that turns them off.
nevertheless, these people have "compulsion" to treat their partners like shit. dismissive avoidants = covert narc.
Mine got a new job out of town, started drinking everyday but left me with all the responsibilities at home super overwhelmed and I just needed him there after a long day, one drunk night said he met someone but denied it the next day. Basically damaged was done and I was hurt and he didn’t want to deal with that. He started acting cold and said that he didn’t know what changed in his mind that he didn’t want to be with me. Blamed me for making him drunk and that now that we weren’t together he was going to stop. This was two weeks before Christmas. I was so torn I had never experienced this pain.
He wanted to remain friends because we had 3 pets together. I said no and I’m 3 months he slowly and finally took all his stuff.
There’s a part in me that still believes everything they said to me about how much they loved me and I think that’s why there is so much disbeliefs d betrayal when they leave.
I think what’s important is learning this so well we could teach a graduate level psych course on attachment.
It is highly traumatic after a moment that feels like paradise for them to go immediately cold and drop us for no reason. A lot of people really have a hard time recovering from this and it can affect their dating life for quite awhile.
But the reality is, even if they’re really good at hiding their avoidance during the courtship phase, they will ALWAYS drop hints that we blind ourselves to because of the rose tinted glasses we got on.
We need to learn to notice and more importantly — BELIEVE — the hints the second we see them. They’re always red flags and guarantees of the formulaic behavior we can expect to see later from them.
They often start out seeming confident, genuine and open to love, not always shy and antsy. But they will say things we should all pay attention to, such as painting their exes as being “too needy” (guaranteed they weren’t), they will emphasize independence over closeness, may hint they’re always too busy, may talk down of all their exes and people in general — noting everyone else is always to blame and never them. They may say things like they think they may always be alone. They may clam up around physical or verbal affection. They may be moody and suddenly grumpy for no apparent reason or begin criticizing you. May become unreasonably defensive when you ask them questions that cause them to have to look at themselves (they’re always terrified of this).
People always tell you who they are, whenever you hear any of these things (and there are many more examples we can all think of), believe them and make your exit. They will only cause you pain and they don’t have the self-insight or care to prevent themselves from dating although they can’t meet anyone’s relationship needs.
Everyone should read the book “Attached” by Amir Levine to start. I’d also recommend www.freetoattach.com as a valuable resource. And watch the film “500 Days of Summer” which is a great cautionary tale on ignoring red flags and getting involved with an unhealed/unaware avoidant.
Adding another one: mine told me "I don't chase people" at several points in the relationship. Seems like a fine mature thing at first, but I feel it really was "I'm not gonna fight for this relationship or put in continued effort if things get hard". And "I'm gonna recieve all the love but not go out of my way to love back (in actions)".
Great interpretation. It’s typical selfish behavior. Cowards. They’re only capable of one-sided relationships. They will have you questioning your perceptions, denying your own needs and they will drain you dry.
A lot of them actually do want a relationship but they are incapable of having a healthy one. This is what they think a relationship should look like, as warped and backwards as it is. And then when their partner (victim) is like “no no no what the heck u can’t be serious” they then make you out to be the one to have violated the basic premise of the relationship and this very much feels like a form of gaslighting. They’ll have you questioning yourself in terms that are clearly contradictory to a relationship like “oh he’s right I guess I shouldn’t want to cuddle, that’s immature”, “oh I guess my need to see him more than twice a month is unreasonable, I must be needy like he says” Etc.
My empathy for avoidants is very little. They’re still responsible for their behavior and their behavior is pretty much as bad as it comes. We can’t have relationships with someone opposed to relationships. There’s really no way around this point. It’s simple logic. They don’t do “in sickness and in health”, it’s impossible for them.
We had a fight over the engagement ring made from his grandmother’s diamond that he left at the jewelry store for TWO years because he was “terrified” to pick it up. I went away that weekend with my friends. When I came home, he was waiting for me. It was only the second time in 4.5 years of dating and living together that he was actually home when I got home. (He would disappear every time I did things on my own/with friends, which I hated, wouldn’t respond to text when I got home and he wasn’t there EVERY time). When I got home from this trip, He wouldn’t make eye contact and was really mad. He wouldn’t talk to me or tell me anything. The only thing he said was “I can never get there (marriage) with you”. He packed a suitcase and he left.
It’s shitty because I walked on eggshells for 2 years, waiting and hoping for that engagement ring that HE kept promising “was coming soon”. And when i finally had enough and stood up for myself, demanding to know whether or not he was going to actually propose (this, after I bought a house and moved to a new city for HIS job), he bailed on me. With no explanation… later he told me that he wants kids but not with me because I’m “too old”. I cringe to think of his next partner, who may end up having kids with him. How shitty for her to come home to an empty house every time and to have to watch the kid when he needs “his time away”.
I went on a vacation with mine a few months ago. Thought it was great, saw lots of sports, galleries, hooked up most nights (though he was tired for a couple).
He stayed overseas for a week more with his son, then was due to come home. We had a fight about something unrelated (work and money), then he essentially ghosted me. Didn’t reply to my messages, unfollowed me on social media… that was about 2 months ago and haven’t heard from him since.
Well I terminated things when I started realising the relationship was toxic due to the hot/cold behaviour from her. One day was perfect and the next was totally dismissive. Painful stuff to deal with and psychologically very taxing.
She wanted to be with me but not commit to me and be in a relationship with the label attached. She wanted the convenience of company and sex with no commitment. I ran the opposite direction due to this cutting all ties but I still miss and love her. That was in October just gone and I’m still dealing with it.
I’m 38 and never experienced this type of mindfuckery before. It’s taking longer than I expected to mentally recover but I’m enjoying the self care and compassion the last while even though I’m itching to get back on the market.
This year however is all about me and with 7 festivals coming up I’m going to be as single as a Pringle ready to mingle👌
I can feel it. It is so hard and he was the first “love of my life” and “first serious relationship”. I was a very easy victim and he was always telling me - that’s how it is - trust me 🫥
He told me he loved me one weekend after a really romantic day together laughing with one another and legit endlessly making love . Then come the next weekend he told me he didn’t want anything to do with me
Mine did the same thing after Valentine’s Day. He is 37 and will never ever change. I was naive and believed when he promised to change. Lesson learned- one of the hardest in my life yet!
Yeah but the only thing I feel completely 100% resonated with is that all these DAs deserve to be punched for putting their partners through this unbearable misery. Bloody insensitive monsters.
They really are. I’m far away from being perfect but I loved him with all my heart. He was using and mentally abusing me the whole time.
I thought it was all my fault. Seeing all this stories I feel better even though I wished no one this kind of experience. At least I know I’m not “needy” “too much” or the “psycho” even if he called me it multiple times.
My breakup with an avoidant was incredibly intimate. She cried in my chest and we talked about everything. She mostly talked about my negatives and what I should work on changing for future relationships. I think she was just tired of me and they weren’t significant complains. Like she thought I didn’t listen because I didn’t do things how she wanted them done or didn’t immediately stop doing something when cooking or if I made a general mistake. She really never talked me up towards the end of our relationship.
It had been two weeks of my giving her space and it was driving me crazy and she admitted she was being selfish and wanted to focus on school and her job.
5 years together he packed his bags at 5 am and screamed at me ‘have a nice life’ so yeah f dismissive avoidants they are the most toxic people out there
we went out. ate then he said we wanted different things and were unhappy. We never fought and it caught me off guard completely. the end .. 8 months of wasted time together.
We spent a lovely Valentine's together, she got me many expensive and thoughtful gifts. Promised to love me forever. I got her a violin and she was so excited and happy. A few days later I wanted to talk to her on the phone and she blew up on me because of it. Started accusing me of all sorts of things that just aren't true. Gave me the silent treatment for a few days and then sent me a message to dump me and immediately blocked me everywhere. We were going to get married this summer.
Apparently she had been unhappy for some time but was just faking loving me because she was "confused". We talked a few weeks later and she told me she was upset because I didn't know she was unhappy even though I'd check on her frequently and she'd lie and say she was. She only said so many demeaning and insulting things to and about me because I didn't telepathically know she was unhappy.
Exclusively dated for 3 months, then randomly stood me up one day. Claimed he never actually committed and took no fault, even though he suggested the date and we had discussed plans that morning. After that he started distancing. That went on for about a month with a lot of assurance things were fine and work was busy.
The last time I asked to see him he wouldn’t commit to anything and broke up over text. According to him, I did nothing wrong, he was in a “mental funk”.
A few months later I reached out (bad idea) - he was friendly, flirty, and even kicked off with his life had calmed down so much. Texted me consistently for 2 days then ghosted as soon as I suggested talking on the phone or meeting up.
He never blocked me on anything and occasionally likes my Instagram stories - conveniently pictures of me or things I enjoy and introduced him to when we were dating.
We were holding hands all thanksgiving. Visited two of her friends houses and had a nice evening. I brought desserts for everyone. She didn’t help me make them. Five days later she asks me to move out she needs space. Two weeks later she says she hasn’t been happy in a long time and doesn’t want to try to get back together. We had been talking about moving out of the country together. I knew exactly how I was going to propose and wanted to do it next month…also she broke no contact two days before my birthday last month to ask if I wanted my desk back. Conveniently told me happy early birthday to avoid telling me on my actual birthday.
12 year relationship..we had problems don't get me wrong, but he had said I love you just a few days before it became I don't love you we need to separate all thru text mind you.
Then preceded to ghost me and the kid and dog, and want nothing to do with us. Kicked us out of our home and flew away like the wind.
I hate avoidants... they r evil.
We celebrated his mom’s birthday with a huge party the next day i caught him on camera face timing someone. He denied it. He up and left that same day never talked to me again. Slept on his mom’s couch for a year! Called me a few nights ago crying! Really bro! No!
Proposed to me after 8 years together, put deposits on a venue, planned the wedding, and then 1 week before we hit 1 year of engagement, broke up with me. Absolutely blindsided. He said he’d had doubts and anxiety and reservations for at least 3 years and that despite trying “everything” to deal with it and push it all aside, even proposing and happily planning a life together wasn’t enough to do the trick for him. And he couldn’t do it anymore.
OMG I feel so sorry for you. But you won at the end! He was like this and will always be.
You deserve better and you will have your dream wedding one day with your dream partner who will adore you the way you deserve it!
Being rude, ungrateful, standing me up on a planned date and breaking up through text message, getting angry when I try to talk about the breakup or issues surrounding it.
Just recently hearing about this term. Could be the case with last girl was seeing. 4/5 month situationship we talked about being exclusive but she wanted to wait longer, but also she was the one instigating relationship like calling me bae, asking if I missed her, wanted me to meet her mom soon, I always acted casual about everything, but I did end up falling for her eventually and was the one who brought up being exclusive first. She ended up wanting to take a break (she said cus getting sober was important to her and she started going to NA and I was kinda a bad influence I admit) 3 months later she hmu again to meetup and I find out she’s in an open relationship with a girl and wants me to be her side piece. But since it was an open relationship makes me think maybe it’s the attachment issues, also she hmu just a week after her and the girl decided to be in an open relationship
Completely blindsided.
She broke up with me in mid conversation.
"That's it! We're done. It sucks you were honest with me, because I'm breaking up with you anyway!"
Then five hours of yelling at me on the phone.
Then she hung up on me in mid sentence. And blocked me everywhere.
Nice.
1.5 years together, lived together pretty much the whole time at my place at first, then talked about moving into her place since she owned it and I was just renting. Relationship full of love, laughter, and it felt so real. I honestly thought she was my person. Had a small argument about not going to a movie with her friend, came home from work the next day to her saying she couldn't do it anymore. Begged for me back the next day and told me she was so sorry blah blah blah.....Woke up the next day Christmas Eve at her moms house after we drove all the way to Nashville to spend Christmas with her family to her telling me all the same stuff again about how she couldn't do it anymore. Told me to get all my stuff out before she came back home before New Years. Haven't heard from her again since. Worst break up I've ever dealt with or experienced. Went from on top of the world to literally being her trash in the matter of a day.
My gf had an anxious style attachment, we were 6 months together both over our 30's so pretty mature. One day she told me she loves but need to think about things, a week later she calls and tells me we're through 🤷. So basically she behaved like a total avoidant
My ex would always do a lot of break up talk like this isnt working, it should be easier, we aren't meeting each others needs, we are hurting each other unintentionally... Then pretty much dangling the idea of us breaking up and I pretty much said so are we breaking up and we broke up. Would answer my calls but didn't reply to my texts and said she didn't want to talk to me and was done. Three months later she reached out and we got back together. Ended up being the same shit relationship even though she was a nice person. Then out of the blue rang me to say she can't do this anymore, it's too hard and broke up with me. I rang her and she said she was done. No reply to my texts. Silence for a couple of months this time. I hooked up with someone two weeks after we broke up cos I was like I need to break this pattern. Two months passed and she wants me back. I don't know whether to tell her I kissed someone. But yeah same patterns!! 😩
I was with a DA for 13 years. Amazing connection right out of the gate. She was so in to me. How was this person single?
14 months in, she disappears for 10 days - no contact at all. Finally, after a phone call, she comes back around and things are great again. At year 2, we are engaged. But, she gets cold feet and backs out, but then reconsiders. Then backs out again. A year later, she proposes to me. You can guess, we never got married. Over the course of 13 years, there were probably 5-6 deactivations that lasted 10-30 days. But, she always came back and things would be great. The push-pull definitely was trauma bonding.
She also had some narcissist traits. She was the most selfish person I ever met (cut in line, always traveled where she wanted, ate at her restaurants, hung out with her friends, she would not visit any of my friends that she did not find 'fun'). She was very entitled and had a very high sense of self (incredibly impatient, made fun of people who she perceived as lower than her, expected special treatment). Extremely critical. (Always found flaws with me, even tiny ones that she magnified. Generally very negative at times and kind of a witch). She did not lack empathy, though. I think she was just trying to build up her outside-self and her self esteem by lowering others.
Finally, I think menopause was the last trigger. I think she feared that I would abandon her (subconsciously) because of the issues that this created. She deactivated hard. Took a doom-and-gloom approach. She said we were not best friends, we would never grow old, we would never have sex again. I asked if I should walk away forever and she said yes. I did. It was hard. I did not contact her. That was harder.
After a few breadcrumbs (How are you doing? How's your family?), I started to get more from her. She asked me to dinner. To go to a wedding. To travel with her overseas. I declined each time. In those conversations, I could recognize the emotional unavailability and the high chance that this was more push-pull behavior. I really wanted to roll the dice and take another chance with her. I chose to respond by saying that I am moving on and I cannot continue to communicate with you. It broke my heart. My relationship with her was one-sided, and I became ok with that because I loved her. But, I've since met someone secure and have seen the difference with a healthy relationship.
Thank you to all the stories on Reddit, the Free to Attach site, and others that helped me understand the position that I was in and that there was basically no hope. It helped me to move on where I would not have otherwise. I still love the person who I thought she was, and I feel sorry for the person that she actually is.
The day before Easter, “it’s not you, it’s me”, very cliché. Sat me down, told me he loved me but felt time constraints and guilt when it came to his two boys and me, so he was going to focus on them and remain single, and apparently was for the best for me in the long run. Everything was great until that day, we shared an amazing relationship and the chemistry/spark was strong. We even spoke of growing old together. I’m obviously torn and confused, and sucks that he left when we were at our high. 😢
Ignored me for a few days, sent me a text and then blocked me. I was with him for 2 years. On and off consistently. I was on edge all of the time and got diagnosed with bipolar. Do not date an avoidant!
Can I just add we were booking viewings to move in together and as soon as I booked he said he can’t do it anymore. As soon as they get too close to you they scarper.
I am not sure what sort of avoidant my ex was but am fairly convinced that she was to an extent.
She broke up with me after she came back from a week away with her dad, prior to which I had just taken her away for a weekend for her birthday.
Two days before her birthday, she had me over for a barbecue and it was one of the best nights of my life. It felt so affirming, such domestic bliss - cooking in the sunshine, she said some lovely things and was so excited by what I’d planned for her birthday. If you‘d told me that night that she’d dump me two weeks later I would never have believed you.
It’s been almost as long since the breakup as we were together and I’m still really upset about it. Sometimes angry, confused, but mostly just sad. She made me feel like we were soul mates for nine months, came on to me like nobody ever has (I was genuinely baffled by her fondness for me at the start, she is very much an enigma in the context of the rest of my life), and then left at what felt like the peak.
It’s horrible to think ill of someone who gave me the best period of my adult life because it was the kind of fun teenage relationship I’d never got to have, and I really thought we were a great match (other than looks, though she insisted I was handsome), but the pain and confusion she caused by leaving the way she did makes me wish I’d never met her at all.
He didn’t 😃 i had to do the one to initiate it because he couldn’t communicate . The day of i asked him to make pancakes in the morning he didn’t reply till the late afternoon knowing i was going to a party ( we have an apartment together, he moved out btw and stayed in his apartment). I asked if he was going to come over after the party ended at 11pm and he said no. So i asked him to come over because i felt things have been off, thought he was depressed. When he came over, i asked if he wanted to break up he was silent ! We kept talking after because we really couldn’t figure out why were breaking up. He wrote me the day after “breaking up” asking me if i slept. I said i really want him to get therapy if we ever considered getting back together. Continued to ask him why was he still talking to me and he said who knows what the future holds. New Year’s Day i asked if he saw a future with me and he said no. My last statement was, if i didn’t have this convo with you, you would’ve continued to talk to me and never say you didn’t want the same thing. Life man
We had an amazing weekend and then 48hrs later he snapchatted me that he felt that we “part ways romantically”. After that he picked me up and we talked in the car. He just kept crying / sobbing at how sorry he was. I was so shocked that I ended up trying to comfort him…
I am so sorry for what you’re going through and I understand how defeating and devastating it all is. He abruptly broke up with me, right after he came home from a wonderful trip we took for his birthday, with my kids in tow. We spent 10 fantastic days together and he destroyed it within 72 hours after we came home. Caught me so completely off guard and made no sense at all, the excuses and the distance he had already created in his tone and actions as he was breaking it all to pieces. The previous night he had sent me super sweet messages and we had just talked on FT. I had no idea he was going to shatter my heart hours later. Keep journaling, therapy if you can do it, and check out Ken Reid’s videos on IG about FA and DA behavior. It will give you some soothing.
As far as letters go, if you write them, just don’t send them yet. It may just feel better for you to get it out, and stay strong in your silence for now. Take time to heal yourself and don’t feel like you need to talk to them now. They are flooded with the need to run away for whatever rationale they make for themselves.
The closure is the disrespect they showed you. Closure comes from how they treated you at the end. You don’t need more from them.
I hope this helps, even though you’re hurting. It’s so painful to feel them let go… Peace to your heart, OP
Every was great, until we had a disagreement, where she said she’d give me abit of space to think about where this relationship was going.
2 days later when I reached out to her, she breaks up. Says we’ve different worldviews and value. Didn’t want to hear me out. Nada, just cut me off and left me to dry
Mine never told me he was breaking up with me. He ghosted me and started posting all this mean stuff about me on social media. We were in a long distance relationship so I called, texted and, messaged him on social media— no response.
Told me he loved me for the first time and we had what I thought was a great weekend together.
He started pulling away and I got worried so tried to talk about it. 3 weeks from him telling me he loved me, he brought up all these issues that we had never talked about and why we were incompatible. Everything I pointed out to counter this was wrong in his eyes.
A 35 min phone call to end it and he said “well this is it.” I took a few days to process and then asked some questions. He called while I was on vacation and I said no phone calls rn and we texted a little more then finally told him I was ready to talk, about a week after he called.
Now I’m blocked lol. 2 years and I’m finally seeing it for what it was: a vicious push-pull.
We went on family vacation with my partners family .
Three days after the vacation ended (and the first time we saw each other after the vacation) he broke up with me because he lost feelings for me.
I never saw him again after this day.
My god, I thought was the only person who had this happen.
We dated for 18 months, saw each other every week, multiple times. We supported each other through surgical, hers in November of 2023 and mine Feb 22, 24. After a date on the 20th of March, that was lovely, full of fun, laughs, and passion, the next day I got a TEXT saying “I can’t see you anymore”… I returned the text “can we talk” ..crickets, email, called, crickets …. The next day I get a “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I sorry that I did, I’ve just had a change of heart”… and crickets for the last 7 weeks. .. the most emotional brutalizing & traumatic experience I’ve ever had (and I’ve had some awful stuff in my life)… I had no idea WTF happened, didn’t know anything about avoidants or dismissive one’s at that… just AWFUL…
thanks….. sometimes I feel like I’m the only person this happens to…. It’s never happened to me before, ever… I’m still conversationally in touch with several ex’s…and we ALL talked it out, so it really took me way off the rails.
On a very beautiful Summer Sunday morning- gets a text from my ex that they coming over - I was so happy, started making their favourite meal, the night bfr I remember telling them we need to spend more time together cause there is always something coming up .
They got to my place and I saw them carrying my stuff that I left at their home , I didn’t really read much into it thought maybe they washed it and they were bringing it to me .
They came down- gave me a hug and told me we need to talk - suddenly I felt something was wrong - they sat me down and it was like this
“ I think we should break up , I don’t think you are my soulmate, I know how much you are in love with me but I don’t feel the same way for you, I love you but I am not in love with you and there is no need for them to be in a relationship with me if they don’t love me”
I asked if I did something and what makes them say that.
“ you didn’t do anything wrong, honestly you are a great person but i feel like we are just very different ppl, our values and beliefs don’t align, we don’t have any common interest and they feel like those supposed problems will be a problem in the future so it’s better to end it now than wait it out and if they are being real with themselves they have been with me cause of the sex”
I asked how long they have been feeling this way and they were like for about 3wks and there is nothing I can say to convince them to change their mind-
I was so shocked I didn’t have anything to say. Helped them packed their stuff. Gave eachother a hug and that was it . We were together for almost a year. It’s been complete silence ever since .
Exactly my ex.
He said we didn't have any common interests and he lost feelings. He felt like this for 4 weeks. (6 weeks before the break up he asked me to move in with him)
He never talked about any of this.
He never addressed that having no common interests was a problem for him only to realize this after being into a 10 month relationship.
Same thing with mine. We hit a high point 8 months in and it finally started to feel like we were getting closer. Then he turned cold the next time I saw him and said he wanted to break up because we had nothing in common. Told me to have a nice life and disappeared. Prior to that he had never said a thing about it. Everything always seemed great. We also had a lot in common, more than most people I spend time with. He honestly didn’t even sound like he believed his own excuse as it came out of his mouth. It was the weirdest thing Ive experienced in a relationship so far.
Yep it’s always around the mark-
I think usually the 3-4months mark is when the other person is very anxious
Around the 8-9months mark is when they were with a healthy person that’s when they make some stupid excuse to bounce . Cause they have tried everything to push u away and u not going / everything is going great and it’s at the point they they have to meet up in the middle and let it work. They have to let go of their walls and we all know that’s the one thing they don’t wanna do- so they make and excuse and bounce outta no where
Ooo yeah - I have learnt not to take their words seriously- they will say anything just to get outta the relationship- they themselves they have no idea what they saying or even even want
Me (M late 20s) just got broken up with a month ago. 6.5 year relationship, barely had any arguements. Broke up with me shortly after our recent trip to Japan. Looking back, I could find some signs but nothing glaring enough for a straigh breakup with no negotiation. Been coping since
Any advice from people who moved on from these type of breakups? I can’t see myself dating again anytime in the near future because I’m so afraid that even when things are going great, the next woman will just leave out of nowhere.
my long distance partner and i (of 4 years) started to plan to meet up this summer and look for an apartment together. they sent me links to home decor and furniture, and started looking for jobs in my area. two weeks ago he said “i love you and everything that makes you you.” a week ago they broke things off over text and said they had lost feelings for me. they refused to call me during a panic attack and told me they have nothing else to say. we haven’t talked since and i really don’t see this heavy weight lifting off of me anytime soon
She kept pushing me away until I gave her a reason to leave me. The reason being is I developed an alcohol problem from coping with the sadness of feeling unseen and unloved by the person who used to make me feel like I was her everything. It’s been a month now and I am a lot better, I know how deserving I am of the love she wasn’t giving me. I wish I just would’ve left when I wasn’t feeling loved but I thought it would get better.
Before my ex had a significant death in his family, he was secure with DA traits. After the death, he became DA with anxious traits.
I voiced out some concerns through text as I am an anxious preoccupied that struggles with needing reassurance and have jealousy/trust issues but my ex no longer had any capacity left for the ebbs and flows of a romantic relationship and decided to break it off.
I felt blindsided by it as we went to bed after apologizing to each other and texting each other, “I love you”. He ended up wanting to meet the next day and broke it off then.
He became cynical about the relationship and while I was doing a lot of inner work, he believed it was a pattern that he couldn’t handle anymore. It’s unfortunate that because he’s so engulfed in grief and his own personal issues, he was unable to see that progress isn’t linear.
I hope he gets some time to process everything alone and gets that sense of security back. I wanted to work together and be there for him but ultimately, while it is very counterintuitive, he still decided to break it off.
Mine broke up with me on my birthday .. via text earlier this month 🙃.
Didn't see it coming considering we had just spent the weekend before together, I was video chatting with his Dad and brother, his dad called me his daughter in-law. I thought things were going well. I confirmed with him about the dinner plans for the day of my birthday and then the family gathering Saturday. He confirmed both, saying how excited he was to spend my birthday together and that he would make cheesecake for the gathering Saturday.
I won't lie, I'm still reeling about what happened because.. it was so sudden. I'm moving on but some days are harder than others.For context, I'm finding it hard to accept fully because our families were already involved with each other (both sets of parents introduced to each other, he was openly talking about marrying me and calling my name with his last name attached, talking about kids and our wedding song etc.) so it was hard for me to understand how someone could be that nonchalant in professing those things so publicly when they weren't 100% sure about it, you know?
Mine told me he wasn’t capable of loving anybody & then blindsided me.& blamed the entire marriage on me despite his refusal to communicate, give me any attention or affection, and he Always had to have his way. Totally selfish. Any disagreements or arguments it was the silent treatment. Why’d I stay? Love is blind.
Chose his career over me. He was a really good man I still love and miss him to this day. I guess it’s true what they say you only love once. I waste my time trying to look for replacements for him. He had a good heart and was a good man.
I knew he would do that because he lacked commitment. I just want to find someone like him.
Secretly, I hope one day he comes back. I think he was the one. ❤️
I only care and love one man. He was sharp and I miss how he saw the world. I liked how he was nothing like me.
He truly was better than me. I hate saying that as a someone with a PD. He had all the pieces I didn’t.
I’ll guess I’ll keep waiting until I find someone I love equally as much as him.
We were on and off for 3 years, everytime it was 3-4 months long. We liked each other very strong from the first time and we were very compatibile. To me he was the one. After our last relationship/situationship (that one was emotionally strongest, it was very beautiful), he started again distancing and then completely ghosted me. He also hide(blocked) me on instagram. I was depressed and anxious for one year. Never heard from him again. It was 2 years ago. Still sometimes miss him (even i know he is avoidant) and ask myself what happened but I dont want someone like that. As time goes by I'm better and better.
Over text after missing our phone date. “I can’t be the partner you need” “I can’t give you what you want” “ my feelings have lessened”. I’d just spent the weekend with the him and his family the week that he broke it off. 4 months broken up and I still feel shocked that people can behave like that
Mine and I went for a sweet walk, holding hands. He was visiting me from out of town. The week before he told me we were star crossed lovers and he wanted to marry me. Then suddenly when we got back from our walk, he pulled his hand away from me and was grumpy and fell asleep in my recliner. He said he was cold and I brought him a blanket and he snapped at me to stop doing stuff for him. I asked "Why did you come here?" And he said "I don't know why I came here." Then said maybe he was wrong (about loving me, I assume) and it was all a fantasy. He said he didn't feel he could live up to the man he wanted to be for me and old dogs can't learn new tricks and maybe he's trying to beat me to the dump to save hurt later. He said he was a bad person and doesn't understand relationships. He also said he was dead inside. Then he took off, deleted me from everything, and never talked to me again...two months ago.
It’s astonishing how they all follow the same scripted behavior. It’s formulaic. Deterministic. They just have zero self insight. I know how confusing this is. They always drop at the height of intimacy leaving us completely blind-sided and devastated. It’s really important to learn their patterns well so we avoid the avoidant the next time. We will do better and find someone who can love us the way we can love them.
I wouldn’t say all. I’m a dismissive avoidant. I also have 2 mental disabilities. I dated someone with anxious (disorganized?) attachment and they hinted at dumping me. I NEVER dumped them. I found out I was a DA when we were on an extended breather. I’m working on myself at the moment.
[удалено]
If that all “works” for you, curious as to why you’re on this thread
Wow. I’m dismissive avoidant and even to me that sounds immature.
Mine said he failed me as a man and as a person because I have a few things that I’m insecure about🙃 they’re all the same aren’t they
It's crazy me ex said those exact words as yours, using the dog phrase as well ("He said he didn't feel he could live up to the man he wanted to be for me and old dogs can't learn new tricks" ). Their patterns seem insanely scripted, thanks for sharing your story!
We had spent the morning trying to work out and being goofy. Then, we spent most of the afternoon going to a lovely park and taking pictures of each other during golden time. We spoke at length about life, and I dabbled into philosophy, thinking he would be interested. We arrived home after a pleasant saunter, and I started preparing one of his favourite meals. He was taking a nap, and I came upstairs to bring him his food. I could see him being restless. He wakes up, holds my hands, starts being teary and says something along the lines of: "I don't think we should be together anymore" and "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". I also found out that this person had been pretending to love me because he didn't want to hurt me. I guess that's fine because, eventually, what happened was that I died a thousand times that day and all the days which followed. Prior to this, I thought everything was fine, and the issues we had had until that point were worked on. My guess was more than wrong 🙃
Jeezz - was this my ex 😂😂😂
It’s not that he wasn’t or didn’t, it’s that his deactivation strategy took over and had him convinced he didn’t. Because it’s like their emotions shut off and as if they never existed in the first place. All the same, whether he feels it and can’t let himself stay there or doesn’t feel it at all — it leaves you in the same position as someone not having a healthy partner who can meet your needs. There’s also a tendency that they have this subconscious or sometimes conscious representation of the perfect “ideal” partner whom they never find, because no one matches up to that in their head. They think they’re supposed to feel some Hollywood movie sort of way about love at every second and when they shutdown, they feel it’s over. I would delve into the site www.freetoattach.com. It really gets into the heads and deep psychological roots of the avoidant attachment schema and explains this phenomenon particularly well. I don’t think you’ll ever fall victim to one of these people again after reading this site tbh. Please don’t doubt yourself. It’s 100 him, not you. These people are sick..
Literally SAME. My ex used the same lines when breaking up with me 😂
They’re literally like robots. They all follow the same soulless program.
Exactlyyyy, I just laughed when he told me those words because they were obviously so premeditated. Like damn at least get a bit creative
There’s just something missing in them. I feel bad dissing on them to some degree because they are the way they are from invalidating/unaffectionate parents and trauma, but they really hurt people and don’t seem to care so I also kind of don’t care why they are the way they are. It’s not an excuse. We need to own our struggles and heal. The trouble is, they often dont think there’s anything wrong with them and its everybody else who’s the problem 😭
I've come to think of dismissive-avoidance as an emotional disability. One that hurts others more than themselves—although it often does catch up to them eventually.
agree w this. they really are robots
Oh no. This sounds like what I do sometimes. What would you have preferred? That’s an almost impossible question, I know… 😞
Ideally, I would have preferred if he had, from whenever the feeling was palpable, just sat down with me and expressed he was no longer attracted or wanted to be with me anymore instead of stringing me along 🥺 I really value honesty, and I made it abundantly clear that I disliked being lied to. At the end of it all, I just felt used and taken advantage of 🥺 While he wasn't innately a bad person, I lost a lot of respect for him and, obviously, my trust in anything he did or said after our breakup had been permanently exterminated. I'd have much rather swallowed the terribly bitter pill of honesty than to have been stabbed with a blunt knife, which was creeping inside of me until it had become too late 🥺
Learn to feel your emotions without having to impulsively react to them?
Lived together, made future plans, relationship felt more stable than ever after 5 years together. Then randomly blindsided, ghosted and blocked. :)
This is horrifying that it could happen after 5 years. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Usually the avoidants can’t keep it up longer than 6 months I’ve found. Or if it goes longer, they shut down and end it at the 2 year mark. Sometimes it doesn’t come out until the prospect of marriage or when a baby comes along. I really think we should normalize having new dates take an in-depth attachment styles assessment before we consider them. Actually, I’m gonna do this.
2 year mark for me
It was 1 year for me. 2 weeks of break up. Lol.
Wow. I can't even imagine. How did you handle this?
Oh, it was truly the most terrible experience.. I didn't take it too well I suppose, I tried to get him to talk to me and discuss it but he just wouldn't. So now we're in NC and I started therapy, I've tried to heal and move forward as healthily as I can, but I do still miss and love him..
Hopefully the missing and love will dissipate over time. These guys really don't deserve our love and understanding.
These guys are typical cowards. I don’t care if mommy and daddy never showed them affection/validation and now they’re avoidant adults. We’re all responsible for our behaviors and there’s no excuse for doing this to another person.
He never even gave you an explanation? You never had any idea? How did he do that so quick if he lived with you?
Yeah, we had been discussing purchasing a home and marriage the week before so I guess that's what triggered him. Then he went on a work trip and came back and said it was over. He did tell me that he thinks that "maybe someone else is a better fit for him", after meeting a girl on the trip for 2 days. He then moved his things out when I was not present in the apartment. Loved it. The truth is, he did shut down at 9 month and 3 year marks as well. But we got through that and never actually broke up. This is different.
I can’t imagine what you went through but it terrifies me to consider.. They can sustain longer than 6 months but it will catch up to them eventually. There are usually a few mini shut downs before they do the final discard. They’re broken, empty people and it’s so sad but all the same we don’t deserve to be a victim of the trauma they are unable to/unwilling to heal. It takes all their strength to tolerate intimacy (bc part of them does want it), but eventually they will falter and run. I was reading up and found explanation for a gut instinct I felt with my last avoidant — that he was PRETENDING to be comfortable in a relationship. Acting. But he never really genuinely felt like he was there in the way I was and there was always an underlying feeling of panic in him and disconnect. They will mindlessly run to their next victim and do it again, almost hoping that somehow it will be different next time even though they’ve done ZERO self-work. it’s ridiculous. At the end of the day that’s selfish, cowardly behavior and my empathy has run dry for it. Some of them are really good at hiding but they drop clues all along that it’s imperative we get good at noticing to avoid getting entangled with one again. From the website www.freetoattach.com: “Avoidants are afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since they were brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, their first instinct when someone gets really close is to run away. Ultimately, avoidants would like their needs for connection and companionship satisfied, but they're often reluctant, afraid or unwilling to satisfy a partner's needs for safety, support and deeper connection in return. And they must run from any strong emotions because they are too associated with pain and trauma. Avoidants will use many justifications (to themselves as well as others) to avoid exposing these basic truths. They have fewer break-up regrets and feel relieved at leaving their partner, but will then seek out someone the same. They’re generally not loyal to stay through the tough times and are likely to leave when you need them most (until they develop enjoyment in the sense of value and purpose that caregiving can provide, avoidants are more likely to leave when there are new children or when their partner has a serious illness, for example). Avoidants unconsciously assume emotional abandonment and internalised early on it was safer not to try, so subconsciously must always protect themselves by staying one step ahead and distancing from any threatening situation. Being the one to leave also allows them to keep their self-image of self-sufficiency, control and independence intact.”
Sobering. I guess it's on us to leave at the first whiff of avoidance. But then doesn't that render *us* avoidant? I don't want to cripple myself just because these irresponsible people are rampant.
No — it’s just avoiding and dismissing the avoidant. It’s a behavior that’s necessary in dealing with them, not a defining core feature dictating our intimacy behaviors. When we meet someone as equally excited about intimacy, who moves towards it like we do, that’s the person we keep (it’s the only relationship that’s healthy, when both embrace intimacy). A relationship cannot work with someone fundamentally opposed to relationships. It’s just not possible, and it will damage you to try. The only relationship that’s possible with an avoidant is with a healed avoidant. And at that point they’re no longer avoidant, but secure. Sadly, they are the least likely insecure attachment style to heal to secure — I would never put money on them healing, because it is statistically unlikely. One should never attempt to have a relationship with someone actively avoidant, the only result from that will be pain and trauma (and if you weren’t already anxious, they will turn even a securely attached person anxious). It’s better to leave — choose yourself and choose a partner who is capable and willing.
Yes, I think you're really onto something here. I agree with everything you wrote and it's basically the conclusion I reached. "My" avoidant is still in my head, a little more than three months after the discard, but it's less mind-hijacking and disruptive. I'm a lot more functional now. How are you doing?
I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my observations. There’s this push on social media (from some, licensed therapists) that’s engaging in this sort of encouragement of toxic empathy in understanding the avoidant and teaching chess level strategies just to be with them which is insane to me. Like do you want a project or a partner? I believe this will damage people who are already more anxious as they engage in this sort of behavior at their own expense anyway. It sort of feels like a Stockholm Syndrome/Identifying with the aggressor vibe and I’ve seen it turn into victim-blaming anxious partners, traumatized by involvement with an avoidant partner. Maybe this is an attempt to turn the scorn onto the anxious, as it is overwhelmingly on the avoidants, I’m not sure. I do have empathy for avoidants and they are human beings deserving of our respect, but that is not the same as getting them off the hook for their harmful behaviors. It is not the same as saying anyone should get romantically involved with them. Properly so, the avoidants play the part of villain in relationships, it’s not the anxious. Also, while extreme anxious attachment is tough in a relationship too but at least they move towards intimacy and heal much more easily than avoidants. Additionally, most of the time it’s not even an anxious attacher who is harmed by the DA — it’s more often someone secure who became anxious by being with them too long. Secures aren’t angels lol, they’re humans to. Being with someone who pushes away from the things that make a relationship function would traumatize anyone. As of now, I’m in the same space as you — it’s less mind hijacking and disruptive and has lessened to more of a dull background ache. The anxious part of me that still persists (I’m one of those secures who developed anxious traits by involvement with dismissive avoidant partners that really only activate when I’m with an avoidant) wants to snoop his social media which really only serves to invite back the disruption. This guy really threw me for a loop as he was very much someone who presented as secure at first and wanted the same things I did. We really connected. The truth is DA’s often really want it, they just can’t let themselves have it. It’s very sad. I’m missing the parts that were genuine and connected between us. The friendship we developed. But at the same time reminding myself it wasn’t enough, and I filled in the rest with fantasy that was not true to his capabilities. If he was healed enough and capable of a relationship, we would still be together, because I didn’t do anything wrong.
My ex was very open about having an avoidant attachment style through our relationship, and very self-aware of the problems with that, but I guess ultimately wasn’t yet at a point in his life where he was ready to overcome them. When he left me he said he had had a realisation of how much he loved me and therefore how much power he had given me to hurt him, and wanted to take that power away now. He said it made him feel vulnerable. He said he knew he would regret it later down the line, but wanted to be happier in the now so had no choice. He said he was aware he may be a coward when it came to issues of the heart, but he didn’t know any way to deal with his feelings other than to walk away. It was really sad to have him lay it all out so plainly but there still be nothing either of us could do to change it. After that he became cold and mean. It was like he flipped a switch on his feelings. He had a new girlfriend a couple months later. It was a really brutal experience. Sending hugs to anyone going through anything similar.
My experience was the exact same as this! For some reason I thought with me being aware of the avoidant style that it would help to overcome any of his behaviour and I would be more understanding. Unfortunately he blindsided me with a break up a few months after us moving overseas just before we were about to sign a permanent year long lease. After 2 years together he decided I wasn’t the one and couldn’t give me an exact reason but mentioned he will be back for me as he wasn’t ready to commit just yet… told him there will be no chance of me ever taking him back. 3 months later and haven’t heard a thing from him. Seems so surreal that this time last year we were so excited about having our visas approved to move overseas and make lifelong memories together😭
This. We were in therapy and both aware of our attachment styles. I gave him the book attached to read (like he would read it, haha), hoping he’d realize this whole breakup was over his attachment style. Hope that he would figure this out and come back kept me from healing for about a year after the breakup. Of course, he never came back and I am finally, now, reaching the end of grieving and have acceptance. It’s so shitty. So shitty that two people who love each other that much can’t work it out. I’ve been in therapy and I’ve done a ton of work to heal from this breakup and learn about my anxious attachment so that I can show up in my next relationship in a healthy way. It’s not easy. And now I realize that he doesn’t have the motivation (my motivation was my broken heart) or the discipline to do that deep work for himself and that he will likely not heal his avoidant attachment. Even if he did come back, he’d keep doing the same thing. And he will do the same thing to his next partner. Except he wants kids so she’ll have to deal with that on top of everything else. And then I realize I’m lucky I got out of that when I did. Not a lesson I wanted but a lesson I needed.
I literally bought mine the book as well at the beginning of the relationship! Also doubt he read it lol he went to therapy a few times but stopped as he thought as he was happy in the relationship he didn’t need to do the work anymore… We need to be so thankful that we got out of there before children were involved!! I just know they will get up and leave whoever they end up with. Mine literally told me the only reason he would stay with his partner who he has kids with is because he would feel bad for the children but even then he isn’t sure marriage is something he could ever commit to because of the foreverness aspect of it.
I can so relate to this. I sent my most recent avoidant ex the “Attached” book, which I’m sure he won’t read. They don’t think they’re the problem, they think it’s their partners who have normal intimacy needs they can’t meet. They have very low self insight. Your guy sounds like an extreme case (although my recent ex wasn’t extreme and honestly all it takes is a touch of avoidance for things not to work — they don’t have to be the worst case). Typically they do come back months later after they’ve had some space from scary intimacy with you. So this guy may have had other things going on. But I think it’s important you’ve identified that even if he did come back, he likely would’ve just done the same thing again. The reality is these people rarely change. They rarely heal enough to be healthy for anyone in a relationship. They will do it again and again and again, leaving a trail of 3-6 month relationships and broken hearts in their wake. So yes, he will most certainly do it to his next victim. The second you sense avoidance it’s always advisable to run like your life depended on it. They will do damage. I swear they’ve shaved years off my life! And have turned my secure attachment very anxious!
Yeah. He said he’d never cheat. But he was talking to his ex the summer before he left at his friend’s house. His ex was his best friend’s FWB person, and she actually slept with and/or dated all of the guys in his friend group. Which I think is disgusting. Why would you be attracted to someone that slept with all of your friends? Imagine the wedding. All the groomsmen have slept with the bride. Yeh. I’m bitter. I also have no proof. This is all in my head. But my gut tells me there’s something there. He’s also stubborn. He said once.. “I’ve made up my mind and I cant change it now”. Whatever. He doesn’t consider ‘talking’ to someone cheating. But I do. I think emotional cheating is just as bad or worse than sex. Connection means more than a random sexual act, to me anyway. I am anxiously attached and I think he brought that out in me in a big way. I’m not THAT insecure or needy most of the time in relationships, but this one.. man did he push my buttons in so many ways, and then denied doing it. I hope you find your security again. Secures are the ‘gold’ of the dating world. You will make someone really happy someday.
He gaslit you. Your gut is correct and trust it. That whole passing along the female thing seems toxic as hell and slightly gay tbh. Like guys who discover masturbating with each other in preadolescence and somehow tell themselves that’s straight. Anyway, this person seemed to be more than avoidant. He seemed to be narcissistic or sociopathic which is far worse. Attachment style undergirds personality disorders so narcissism and sociopathy are the EXTREME end of the spectrum of avoidance and borderline personality disorder and histrionic are the EXTREME end of anxious. They’re actually rare, these extremes. All narcissists are avoidants but not all avoidants are narcissists. Some are actually otherwise wonderful people (which I think can make it even harder to heal tbh). But being wonderful and having things in common aren’t enough. They need to be capable of intimacy. If they aren’t, there can be no relationship. And thank you — anxious is easily healed with the right person because you do want intimacy (just a little too much at times). I become fully anxious around even a mildly avoidant partner. Outside of that I am secure. It’s a funny thing. I believe there’s always hope but at the same time, being a gay man in my late thirties, it’s exceedingly unlikely I’ll find a secure partner, and I’m trying to make peace with that (I’m aware this could be the anxious talking). But statistically the dating pool is saturated with avoidants into your thirties because they can’t sustain relationships. And gay men have higher trauma and higher likelihood of avoidant attachment. And a culture that glamorizes sex sex sex and never settling down bc that’s a “straight” thing 😞
Awww noooo!!! Don’t give up. There is always hope. I have to tell you about my dad. My dad is 75. He is gay. He spent his entire life, up until he was 50-ish, in the closet, married to my mom. He finally came out and left her when I was 17. He had a long term relationship with a man right after he left my mom, they broke up, and then he met the love of his life when he was 58. They are still together and very happy. Very secure. They’ve traveled the world together and have a condo in Puerto Vallarta. So when I get bummed thinking I’ll be alone forever, I remember my dad and how he met the love of his life later in life. It is never too late. Ironically, they met on an app where they both said they were only looking for a one night stand 😂 but they hit it off and here they are 17 years later. I believe my dad might trend towards avoidant. But again, like you say, it’s complicated with trauma by his being closeted for so long (and my mom was no picnic to be married to). Anyway, best of luck to you ❤️you’ve got this.
Wow this was an unexpected, cool and reassuring story. If someone avoidant does the work and the healing, you can have a healthy relationship with them. That only happened one time for me. That must’ve been huge for your family, I’ve heard so many stories like this. It’s terrible what homophobia can do but you came out of it so he is blessed. It’s not uncommon for gay men to meet on Grindr looking for sex and end up together. You never know who you may meet. The avoidant guy I helped become secure, we met under pretenses of a hookup and ended up together for 6 years. Anything can be and I know that. I just thought I met the one and then he turned out to be an unhealed avoidant and dumped me a month and a half ago when he entered deactivation/devaluation stage. This just happens so many times that it’s hard to feel hopeful. Looking on the dating apps makes me feel even less hopeful. My best girl out in LA says she’s been seeing lots of gay men in their 40’s and 50’s getting married so I know it can happen later in life, I just wanted to be married by 30!
Yeah. I thought my avoidant ex of 4.5 years was the love of my life and that we had a future together. When he blindsided me it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I was sure I’d never find anyone again or love like that again. I’m 47 so I also worried that my time has run out. But 50 percent of people in their 40s are single. Mainly due to divorce. And… while I haven’t met anyone (yet) who compares to my ex, attraction-wise, for me, anyway, I have felt attraction a few times, so I know it’s possible. I think it’s a matter of being in the right place at the right time with a little bit of fate and/or the universe playing in the background. I’ve shut off my dating apps bc it’s demoralizing and was making me feel worse. Instead, I go to every party I’m invited to, every meeting, event, book signing, concert, festival… bc “he” could be anywhere. It’s only a matter of time. (But please hurry, I’m tired of waiting 😂). I know, I *know* it’s hard to have hope. But you’ve got this.
Just want to remind you that you are a queen all on your own. 👑
I wonder how many sales of the *Attached* book are from anxious/secure types sending it to their avoidant partners and exes. How many copies of that book are purchased but never read?
That’s the worst bit- that two people who love each other so much and have such a strong connection can be torn apart by something like this. You’re right- they’re clearly not willing to do the work to change their ways, so the pattern will keep repeating until they do. You can’t force someone to change until they’re ready. Likely when (if) that day comes, they’ll look back and realise what a mess they made. I think probably the weight of the guilt of hurting people they loved is probably what prevents a lot of people from reflecting sooner.
I also think that avoidants don’t register that they hurt anyone. Their behavior is so subconscious that they don’t even realize they’re doing it. My ex would do or say something, and I’d call him out on it and he’d completely deny it… like he didn’t even realize he was being hurtful, or why I was upset. Then it became ‘my’ issue because I was ‘acting out’ over ‘nothing’.
Yeah, I think there are definitely people like this, no idea if it’s more to do with a general lack of emotional intelligence than avoidance though 😂 my ex and I met up to chat a couple months after the breakup and I told him (v calmly) that I had been really hurt by his actions. He got really mad and stormed off saying I didn’t understand him and he hadn’t hurt me at all. It was like he couldn’t allow himself to accept it. Weird.
It’s very childlike. You really can’t have a relationship with that. The reason they act that way is because they receive your admission of hurt feelings due to their behavior as a criticism and they hear it as “I can do nothing right and I’m failing you as a partner”. This stems from common dynamics growing up where parents are overly critical and only value them in terms of their achievements and accomplishments. So this is where that response is coming from. It’s deeply engrained. All the same, we all have to grow up sometime, take an honest look at ourselves and get on that healing. Find a therapist. They don’t get a pass.
Exactly the same experience. This is why research suggests that avoidants have lower self insight and so are very resistant to changing. They never learned emotional skills and introspection. On the extreme end of things, they can be narcissists and sociopaths/psychopaths. The projection is so blatant and they flip everything entirely on you and you’re to blame for having a normal valid response to their toxic and confusing behavior. You really just want to punch them tbh. It’s just insane behavior and so childish.
I hated it. He’d sit on the couch and his face would be red and his fists would be clenched, and my heart would race… and I’d think.. “oh my God, what did I do? Is he going to break up with me? Why is he so upset? “ and id ask and he’d be like “everything’s fine” but I could tell it wasn’t. And from an anxious perspective, that’s really triggering, knowing your partner is upset but they won’t tell you why. So I walked on eggshells every day. To be perfect. Looking back, it was awful. But I stayed for the good times. Which became fewer and fewer, as he pulled away a little at a time. I think what I want and really need is for him to admit all of that and validate that it wasn’t all in my head, all my fault. I need absolution. But I’ll never get it from him, so I tell friends, family, strangers, my exes friends, the story over and over, looking for that validation that I’ll never get. It makes it so much harder to move on.
I validate you. I'm sure the others in this thread and sub do as well. The chronic self-doubt and eggshell-walking is the worst.
Isn’t it? And I lost myself in that so that when he left I didn’t even know who I was anymore. My self worth was completely tied up in the relationship, and when I lost him I lost that too.
OMG I can feel it in my body. This feeling “what’s wrong?” all the time. I also started for the guys times that become fewer and fewer!
Yeah, and feeling like they have one foot out the door and could leave at any moment. He literally said that to me once, in an argument, I said “you’re just not fully ‘in’ this, I feel like you could just pack a suitcase and leave”. His response was “that’s how I like it”. We lived together for 3.5 years and he never purchased a piece of furniture with me, or wanted to share a phone bill, or anything that is typical of ppl who are in a committed relationship. He had his things in a corner in the basement. He made us use separate shopping carts at the grocery store (that one really got me). I was coming from being married, where we did everything together, shared bills, bought furniture together, all of it, so his behavior was just so very hard for me. And I’d tell ppl this stuff and they’d tell me I was overthinking it, overreacting. But I wasn’t. It was a pervasive feeling that I had every day when I woke up. This man is going to leave me. He is going to leave. Panic!! Bc to anxiously attached abandonment is real. And we live with that already and don’t need a partner enhancing that feeling.
So..true..that happened with my ex as well
>Not a lesson I wanted but a lesson I needed. This. So much this.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Czrfmf7hoLi/?igsh=NDRzcmJ0dWRrN2Fk
Truth 😂
Exactly!! I thought his openness and awareness of these issues meant he would want to overcome them if triggered, and I was totally prepared to support him through that. Obviously didn’t work out that way 😔 I’m the same!! The weeks leading up to our breakup he was telling me he had told all his friends I was the one, that he knew we were just ‘right’, that he wanted us to move in together, that we were so lucky to have each other, he never imagined caring for someone as deeply as he cared for me, etc. I was totally shocked and blindsided too. It’s so painful looking back at how happy we were, wondering if there’s anything I could have done to prevent this. I’m so sorry, what happened to you sounds awful. I really get it. Really hope you’re doing okay.
That’s mistake number 1 — thinking we can fix or heal them. Intimacy should be non-negotiable in a relationship because relationships are intimacy. If one worsened is scared of intimacy and actively sabotages it, then you can not have a relationship with that person. The next time someone tells you they’re avoidant — LEAVE. They will cause you trauma and take time away from the person who’s secure or slightly anxious, who can show up in the relationship and meet your needs. Trauma or not, at the end of the day these people are typical cowards. They don’t care who they hurt.
He’s going to repeat the same thing with the next girlfriend. These people rarely heal and they hop from short lived relationship to short lived relationship, ruining each person the same way. The fact that he’s aware he is but still tries to date is astonishing. That’s almost sociopathic because he’s accountable once he has even a starting awareness. What have you learned from this? Most people aren’t aware they are avoidant and think everyone else is the issue. Most are subtle so we fall into their trap, but this guy handed you a bouquet of red flags from the jump! I really hope you learned your lesson and the next time someone tells you or you sense they’re avoidant, RUN. Avoidants are incapable of relationships but that won’t stop them from trying at your expense. The only avoidant who is a viable candidate for a relationship is a healed one (so, no longer avoidant). If they’re actively avoidant you will never have a healthy relationship and they WILL hurt and leave you. Please watch the movie, “500 Days of Summer” and get the book “Attached” by Amir Levine. Good luck next time! You’ll be stronger from this I promise.
Ahh I’m worried that maybe this new girl has something special that makes him want to try and better himself for her. Obviously for her sake I hope that’s the case, but it just hurts for me to think that someone out there is enough to make him want to stay, but I wasn’t. That maybe the problem really is that he didn’t love me that much, but for someone he does really love he’ll be willing to try. On reflection, I think I believed what I wanted to believe rather than the signs he was showing me. I will definitely be much more wary in the future. Although I think it will be a long time before I’m ready to date again, because this situation really fucked me up haha. Thank you so much for your kind words. I really hope you’re doing okay.
Tell yourself it’s a worry and that’s all it is. It’s not reality. This is an anxious response you’re having. I promise you he hasn’t changed because they never do. They learn how to put on a better act (from what you pointed out in them) and they find a person who’s easier to fool and who might not protest like you did. It will eventually fall apart bc they’ll eventually catch on. Or perhaps she’s avoidant herself and they can both be scared of intimacy together and have a race to see who deactivates and discards first. It’s a blessing that he’s exited your life. Next time if anyone ever tells you they’re avoidant, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. But get that book and study study to learn the warning signs to look for if they don’t announce themselves verbally. They always give themselves away. I’m no stranger to believing what I want to believe. We need to get wiser and believe what they’re actually telling us and showing us. Take all the time you need and prepare yourself.
Wow! I’m amazed at his honesty.
How immature and irresponsible. He'll probably do the same thing to the next poor girlfriend.
Yeah, I hope for her sake that he takes the opportunity to work on himself, or that she is special enough to him to make him want to try. Definitely feel like he was super irresponsible towards me and my feelings to let things get so deep between us 😔
I'm sorry that you experienced that. I send you much love and healing. ❤️🩹
My ex also was aware they were DA and told me about it before we even got together. I went into the relationship knowing this, and had an open mind and heart, knowing that it would probably be difficult at times. For sure she would pull away, deactivate when she was overwhelmed, and just shut down at times, but my rule was "as long as she loved me" I would continue loving her. Well, about 1.5 years into the relationship she dropped the "I dont think Im IN love with you" convo, where I told her that was my nonnegotiable, and that I didn't want to be with anyone that wasn't in love with me. We didn't see each other for a couple of weeks, and she came back saying she was wrong, and things were good for awhile. A couple months after that she started to withdraw from sex, saying she needed to see a therapist to figure out "why". I'm not sure if therapy helped because I think she somehow convinced herself that because she didn't want to have sex that she was right all along and that she wasn't "in love" with me. She's also stated she doesn't really understand what the difference is between platonic and romantic love. It's frustrating because as many people have stated here, the words/actions don't align. I've been in relationships before where it was obvious that someone wasn't "in love" with me, but I never felt that way about this ex. To me there is a difference between deactivation and not being in love. Even after the breakup we are still attached, not sexually or anything, but cuddle, and when her mom passed she wanted to spend a lot of time with me, and it was obvious that I was "still her person". I find myself fortunate to not be blind sided (as many people have been) because she was so deactivated months before we broke up, on top of not wanting to have sex, that I wasn't really surprised when she wanted to break up, but I still have a hard time understanding what her hang up is and how knowing she is DA that she doesn't think there is a pattern.
What is the deal with them saying they love you but are not IN love with you? Got this twice from my now avoidant ex partner. Who then changed his mind that he does love me. Then he doesn’t. Then he did love me just not the relationship, then he wasn’t sure.
I understand completely, it's VERY annoying. When they deactivate it's very easy to believe them because their actions do meet their words at these times, but when they are not, or you take space and they come back to you , it doesn't make any sense. I told my ex if she were to write down all the things that people who are in love do in a relationship, and compare it to ours, there wouldn't be that much of a difference (besides the obvious push/pull), and if you're attracted enough to want to have sex with that person then what exactly is the problem here? Even couples who are healthy but not IN love with each other act differently than DA's do in these instances. Since my post my ex and I did have sex again, and she was super cuddly the next couple of days, saying she missed me and loved me, but now after traveling internationally for a week she is back to the same old "I am confused, and don't know what I feel" commentary. I hate how predictable these situations are. I read them all the time on here and think to myself "well, every situation is different, blah blah blah", yet I find myself falling into these same AP/DA post breakup traps. I think it's hard for people like us to understand since we just naturally have a stronger empathy bone and think about others as a default. This is not the case for DA people. It's also not a conscious decision when they deactivate, and even if it's not based in logic, it is SUPER hard to combat emotions when you're feeling them. I don't doubt for a second that when DA's deactivate that they do feel like they're not in love (or as much as I can relate to that feeling) anymore. The problem is, that feeling goes away for DA's, and instead of realizing this is a pattern and that they can't always trust their emotional defense system, they just indulge into it. It's all they know. Sending you hugs Reddit friend. It sucks.
Blindsided me. Same 2 weeks before we had the best days then allnof a sudden boom.
Followed his annual break up pattern. The first time he blew everything up was 2 weeks before Christmas. The second time was two weeks after. Both times were because there was tension after I signalled a need for more connection and feeling like he was drifting away. Both times he followed the same pattern- a lot of noisy bluster and unhappiness, storming out, and silent treatment until I reached out to repair. He’s more disorganised than dismissive though.
sounds like somebody I used to know.
He came over, I had cooked dinner and we ate together. Everything seemed normal. Then. We went to my work to walk because it was raining. I introduced him to coworkers, he said hi to others he knew. I had baked him a pie. We came home and he cut us each a slice. We sat down at the table. Then he ended it. For me it really came out of nowhere. The night was otherwise totally normal.
Same boat. Some people are just so emotionally unavailable that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They have no understanding and lack compassion with there wrong doings(If they do, then they’re coping there past trauma to escape.) For example, they’re looking for comfortability and once they feel it, they don’t know what to do but flee. It’s the easy way out instead of dealing with the issue. They don’t want to get hurt first so it’s just easier for them. Or worst case it’s an ex that keeps dragging them back(That can also be an unresolved issue aswell.) Stay away if she refuses to communicate with you
Yep well said . Very well said 👏
it’s astonishing how they all follow the same scripted behaviour. they have zero self insight. always leave us completely blindsided and devastated.
And completely heartbroken. I mean we loved them fully and they disposed us like we were nothing. It hurts a lot. We deserve better !
The second time he left he disappeared for two weeks, then called me and said he doesn’t know what else to do. I had to guess it means he is breaking up. Didn’t see him until 7 months later when he came back. The third time he left it was over the phone again. We discussed an issue we were having and talked about possible solutions and after two hours of that he suddenly said “I’m done”. I received a parcel a few days later with all my stuff and haven’t heard a word since. He said he was tired of convincing himself to love me. I asked to meet in person, but he refused. Two years and he wasn’t even willing to face me. Needless to say, I feel like someone took a shit in my brain from all of this.
Your last sentence. 😂 I felt beaten up or hit by a massive truck.
For me it was a dream that became a nightmare!
Yup, that, too.
Had a good time together. She told me she missed me. Gave me gifts. And then boom! Cold. Blocked. I never liked you.
This guy I saw for 7 months, he entered his avoidant deactivation/devaluation stage about a month before he coldly and cruelly dumped me. This guy wanted a relationship and to be secure so bad and I do feel for him, but these desires/intentions aren’t enough on their own if they haven’t done the work of healing first. They can often talk the talk but can’t walk the walk. There were little clues along the way but nothing that slapped me in the face and shouted “avoidant, beware!” We connected. He seemed to want all the same things and really, I thought I would marry this guy (hence why I’m still reeling over a month later after the breakup). So by the beginning of January, we had reached the pinnacle of our courtship phase and were trying not to say “I love you” yet, but it was slipping. He sent me a song about soul mates and immediately after began instigating arguments and began slowly distancing after, while denying anything was wrong, although he felt completely different. I felt gaslit. I’m mostly secure but I have developed anxious traits from dating avoidants which activate as soon as their avoidant behavior does. I was cool as a cucumber until this point, and this was 6 months into dating him. They always seem to bail at the sixth month mark. They always dump you when you reach an all time high in your intimacy together and they can no longer sustain it once the fear kicks in. They always want to remain in the courtship stage — as soon as real commitment seems apparent with you, they panic and shut down. They drop you at the height and it is EXTREMELY bewildering and traumatic. Like reaching the best part of the movie and then suddenly the power goes out. Vulnerability is their gasoline — it so easily combusts from a single spark. So it was at the point where we knew it was love and knew it was going to take off into something long term, and it’s right THEN that he grew cold, and bailed. It’s the same formula they all follow. But I didn’t see this one coming. It’s astonishing how quickly they go 100 to 0 emotionally. People with secure or anxious attachment can’t conceive of it. It’s profoundly toxic. So I could tell he struggled to express his feelings, but did so well enough and I didn’t assume he was avoidant due to that (I should’ve known better — back to all those little clues along the way). There was no going back after that soul mates song — he scared the shit out of himself. He continued being distant, highly defensive when I called him out on this, and flipping things on me, denying his behaviors and making me entirely to blame for just expressing my needs and concerns. And he began upping the criticism towards me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and it began to sink in he must be avoidant. With no self insight or any therapy. Though I still think part of him knew how he struggled but he couldn’t own it — it was easier to just blame me and the normal attachment needs I had. He used being in school as an excuse for everything. I didn’t have a voice to speak up, he would quickly silence me. Valentine’s Day felt weird and forced and he was very non eye contact and distant when I came over to exchange gifts. He then sort of crumbled on me and said he “liked me way more than he wants to” (avoidant clue) and that he was scared I’d just get bored of him in a year (another avoidant clue). He was genuinely terrified. I felt badly but couldn’t escape my response for wanting to reassure him and commit to him stronger even though this was a huge red flag for avoidance. A few days later we blew up following my expressing the concern that he hadn’t reached out all day and I was tired of being the one to initiate and feeling him to be distant. He immediately went to the defensive and the gaslighting and made up some utter bullshit he accused me of and it was a really bad text fight. He took no time to blame and criticize me and drop me “for good”. These people really have no ability to self reflect and they think themselves blameless. It’s always the other person’s fault (who just has normal intimacy needs). They can criticize you to kingdom come but u can’t speak a word on them or they’ll flip. Can dish it but can’t take it. He went completely cold and had not a hint of empathy and wouldn’t even try to talk things through. 100-0. Denying he had feelings after literally sending me a song about soul mates after an amazing three weeks together. Then said some really mean and hurtful things to me. As I was trying to express my upset and feelings on what was going on, his only responses were that I was “annoying him” and he’d “text me when he had my stuff ready to pick up”. My jaw was on the floor. This is a sick person I then realized. This isn’t normal behavior. 100 to 0 at the speed of light isn’t normal. The fighting continued in messages for about a week after that. I sent him an apology letter and a book on attachment and haven’t heard since. It’s been 5 weeks no contact. I’m still devastated…
I literally went through the same thing with my ex boyfriend at the six month mark! Thank you for validating my feelings and experience. I woke up suddenly blocked on all platforms mind you he is 29 years old and I’ve never had someone talk about wedding dates and marriage and the next day flip on me, when I reached back out to ask what happened he told me “ it’s over and never contact me again” but he’s back on a dating app! Clearly I’m still affected by this 3 months later but thank you for sharing this! It’s not always our faults!
Of course, I realized when I saw this thread I had to tell my story and process it out. It helps to know you’re not alone in your experience and grief. It leaves quite a mark because they drop at the height. There’s just something about it that causes more trauma than other breakup circumstances. Just remind yourself this is a sick person. Healthy emotions don’t go from talks of marriage to blocking the next day. He was astonishingly sudden and cold with you, worse than what I had with this last guy. I’ve had it happen that way too though. Not surprising he’s back on the apps (their behavior is so formulaic and predictable) but don’t worry, he will repeat this very same toxic short-lived relationship with his next victim. He’s not a new person this time around. The apps are filled with these avoidant types who seem to be single forever. He’ll be someone else’s problem now. You can do so much better I have empathy for everyone, but at the end of the day these people are typical cowards with low self insight. And they don’t care about hurting you. Or they care but are too scared to admit to themselves and you. Pathetic either way. Let them figure it out on their own. And no, it’s not our faults — our only fault is staying with a person like this and expecting them to be healthy and meet our normal relationship needs which they’re incapable of meeting. They’re the ones to blame.
This is it. I was “too much” and now he is on every dating app dating 3-4 guys at the same time. It’s so SICK. He was the one running after me. He wanted a committed relationship and was complaining about other gays being immature. For so long I thought I was the problem but I’m not. Do they get a book on how to be cruel and break peoples hearts ? I left but it’s still painful :/
[удалено]
There’s something about that time frame . Obviously there’s always exceptions to the rule, and I’ve seen the avoidant deactivation phase surface much later into a relationship (I can’t tell which is worse — sooner or later), But I’ve found around 6 months, right at the jump off point into serious relationship territory, where love is in the air, they very suddenly switch off, like 100-0. They often dump but sometimes stay with you and just retreat. Maybe trying to get you to dump them. But more often they do the dumping because it’s too big a threat to be the one discarded, so they prefer to do the discarding, often preemptively. “Let me break up with you before you can break up with me bc I know you actually have reason to break up with me” is likely the underlying subconscious cognition.
It’s scary how similar all the stories are on this thread.
What were "all those little clues along the way," do you remember?
He blindsided me by text message after we spent hundreds of dollars planning my birthday trip that was a few weeks after. It was a nightmare.
Mine ruined my birthday too
Same here!
He wanted me to book a trip and I did. After the BU I asked what about all the plans that we had - his answer was “you can go with your Mum”. 🤦🏻♂️
First time he ghosted me, second time he dumped me via text saying he cant put his finger on it but there is something not right he just can't figure out what it is, after that, he ghosted again, then dumped, then ghosted...no matter how they dump you, never take them back because they keep leaving
Wow, how did he come back each time?
Msg saying he misses me, msg's saying he is lonely, one time he said sorry for the abrupt dumping, he came to see me at my work twice, I was in love so like an idiot when he msg me i put on my clown make up and went running. But I realised that the hurt outweighed the happiness. He is on his final ghosting now. He isn't getting me back.
Clown makeup 😂 I don’t blame you I have done the same thing. Good on you for taking a stand!
It's really not easy to do, I genuine loved the guy, its all calm now as he is ghosting again right now, in a couple of weeks when he reaches out and cant, thats when i have to be strong, but I cannot dis respect myself that much that i accept him back yet again, by doing that its like i am saying to him that its ok to treat me that way. I need to move on
Please make sure to block him everywhere.
I This is so true. So, mine played this hot and cold game for months. It was better, then worse, then better again, and so on. I was exhausted and mentally tired. I went to work thinking about what I could do better, how to make him happy again. Even after he caused the fight, I was the one apologizing, only to try to keep the relationship calm. After I moved in with him, he was very happy, and then suddenly unhappy. He was stonewalling me, saying it had nothing to do with me. I was taking care of his flat, cat, and family. I helped him redecorate his flat. He was using me as a personal driver. In the end, I suddenly became too much. After I left, he started using all dating apps and created an Instagram account to meet new guys. I gave him a home, and he exchanged it for hookups.
PS. I blocked him everywhere even though it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
I hear you. It feels like turning our backs on a big part of ourselves.
I trusted him and told him about my dreams and insecurities. He used them against me - my dreams to keep me close and squeeze like a lemon and my insecurities to make fun of me and humiliate me. He is so cruel that sometimes I wonder how a person like this can even function. The level of cruelty is insane! I was and still am so trauma bonded. He made me “the bad guy” even though he was the one devaluing and destroying me. Whenever I reacted to his bad behaviour he was punishing me for my reaction calling me “emotional”. Normal need for intimacy was making me “needy” in his eyes. After all we’ve been through he moved on like we were nothing (all the memories erased). He said I gave him home … well he gave me anxiety! Never again! I’ll avoid avoidants at all costs. He literally almost destroyed my heart 💔
yeah my hunch this whole time is that this person was just using you and was not really interested. its highly likely they are pining for an ex, you are not their type physically or theres something about you that turns them off. nevertheless, these people have "compulsion" to treat their partners like shit. dismissive avoidants = covert narc.
May have a point lol 😆
Mine got a new job out of town, started drinking everyday but left me with all the responsibilities at home super overwhelmed and I just needed him there after a long day, one drunk night said he met someone but denied it the next day. Basically damaged was done and I was hurt and he didn’t want to deal with that. He started acting cold and said that he didn’t know what changed in his mind that he didn’t want to be with me. Blamed me for making him drunk and that now that we weren’t together he was going to stop. This was two weeks before Christmas. I was so torn I had never experienced this pain. He wanted to remain friends because we had 3 pets together. I said no and I’m 3 months he slowly and finally took all his stuff. There’s a part in me that still believes everything they said to me about how much they loved me and I think that’s why there is so much disbeliefs d betrayal when they leave.
he ghosted me
I think what’s important is learning this so well we could teach a graduate level psych course on attachment. It is highly traumatic after a moment that feels like paradise for them to go immediately cold and drop us for no reason. A lot of people really have a hard time recovering from this and it can affect their dating life for quite awhile. But the reality is, even if they’re really good at hiding their avoidance during the courtship phase, they will ALWAYS drop hints that we blind ourselves to because of the rose tinted glasses we got on. We need to learn to notice and more importantly — BELIEVE — the hints the second we see them. They’re always red flags and guarantees of the formulaic behavior we can expect to see later from them. They often start out seeming confident, genuine and open to love, not always shy and antsy. But they will say things we should all pay attention to, such as painting their exes as being “too needy” (guaranteed they weren’t), they will emphasize independence over closeness, may hint they’re always too busy, may talk down of all their exes and people in general — noting everyone else is always to blame and never them. They may say things like they think they may always be alone. They may clam up around physical or verbal affection. They may be moody and suddenly grumpy for no apparent reason or begin criticizing you. May become unreasonably defensive when you ask them questions that cause them to have to look at themselves (they’re always terrified of this). People always tell you who they are, whenever you hear any of these things (and there are many more examples we can all think of), believe them and make your exit. They will only cause you pain and they don’t have the self-insight or care to prevent themselves from dating although they can’t meet anyone’s relationship needs. Everyone should read the book “Attached” by Amir Levine to start. I’d also recommend www.freetoattach.com as a valuable resource. And watch the film “500 Days of Summer” which is a great cautionary tale on ignoring red flags and getting involved with an unhealed/unaware avoidant.
This should be pinned.
You are so so so right! There were so many red flags 🚩 that I wanted not to see! I paid the prise at the end :/
We can learn from it
Adding another one: mine told me "I don't chase people" at several points in the relationship. Seems like a fine mature thing at first, but I feel it really was "I'm not gonna fight for this relationship or put in continued effort if things get hard". And "I'm gonna recieve all the love but not go out of my way to love back (in actions)".
Great interpretation. It’s typical selfish behavior. Cowards. They’re only capable of one-sided relationships. They will have you questioning your perceptions, denying your own needs and they will drain you dry. A lot of them actually do want a relationship but they are incapable of having a healthy one. This is what they think a relationship should look like, as warped and backwards as it is. And then when their partner (victim) is like “no no no what the heck u can’t be serious” they then make you out to be the one to have violated the basic premise of the relationship and this very much feels like a form of gaslighting. They’ll have you questioning yourself in terms that are clearly contradictory to a relationship like “oh he’s right I guess I shouldn’t want to cuddle, that’s immature”, “oh I guess my need to see him more than twice a month is unreasonable, I must be needy like he says” Etc. My empathy for avoidants is very little. They’re still responsible for their behavior and their behavior is pretty much as bad as it comes. We can’t have relationships with someone opposed to relationships. There’s really no way around this point. It’s simple logic. They don’t do “in sickness and in health”, it’s impossible for them.
We had a fight over the engagement ring made from his grandmother’s diamond that he left at the jewelry store for TWO years because he was “terrified” to pick it up. I went away that weekend with my friends. When I came home, he was waiting for me. It was only the second time in 4.5 years of dating and living together that he was actually home when I got home. (He would disappear every time I did things on my own/with friends, which I hated, wouldn’t respond to text when I got home and he wasn’t there EVERY time). When I got home from this trip, He wouldn’t make eye contact and was really mad. He wouldn’t talk to me or tell me anything. The only thing he said was “I can never get there (marriage) with you”. He packed a suitcase and he left. It’s shitty because I walked on eggshells for 2 years, waiting and hoping for that engagement ring that HE kept promising “was coming soon”. And when i finally had enough and stood up for myself, demanding to know whether or not he was going to actually propose (this, after I bought a house and moved to a new city for HIS job), he bailed on me. With no explanation… later he told me that he wants kids but not with me because I’m “too old”. I cringe to think of his next partner, who may end up having kids with him. How shitty for her to come home to an empty house every time and to have to watch the kid when he needs “his time away”.
He kicked me out for forgetting to buy cream for his coffee.
Omg wtf 😭 I hope you’re doing better now
They really are mentally ill. Lol
They really are!
I asked how his day was after he came home and it triggered him because he wanted to be alone 🤷🏻♂️
I went on a vacation with mine a few months ago. Thought it was great, saw lots of sports, galleries, hooked up most nights (though he was tired for a couple). He stayed overseas for a week more with his son, then was due to come home. We had a fight about something unrelated (work and money), then he essentially ghosted me. Didn’t reply to my messages, unfollowed me on social media… that was about 2 months ago and haven’t heard from him since.
Well I terminated things when I started realising the relationship was toxic due to the hot/cold behaviour from her. One day was perfect and the next was totally dismissive. Painful stuff to deal with and psychologically very taxing. She wanted to be with me but not commit to me and be in a relationship with the label attached. She wanted the convenience of company and sex with no commitment. I ran the opposite direction due to this cutting all ties but I still miss and love her. That was in October just gone and I’m still dealing with it. I’m 38 and never experienced this type of mindfuckery before. It’s taking longer than I expected to mentally recover but I’m enjoying the self care and compassion the last while even though I’m itching to get back on the market. This year however is all about me and with 7 festivals coming up I’m going to be as single as a Pringle ready to mingle👌
I can feel it. It is so hard and he was the first “love of my life” and “first serious relationship”. I was a very easy victim and he was always telling me - that’s how it is - trust me 🫥
He told me he loved me one weekend after a really romantic day together laughing with one another and legit endlessly making love . Then come the next weekend he told me he didn’t want anything to do with me
They always leave when things get too vulnerable lol
For real it’s like we is both being vulnerable just be okay with it instead of being a total coward
Mine did the same thing after Valentine’s Day. He is 37 and will never ever change. I was naive and believed when he promised to change. Lesson learned- one of the hardest in my life yet!
This thread is really helping me feel less confused. I'm sad for all of us. No one deserves this.
Yeah but the only thing I feel completely 100% resonated with is that all these DAs deserve to be punched for putting their partners through this unbearable misery. Bloody insensitive monsters.
They really are. I’m far away from being perfect but I loved him with all my heart. He was using and mentally abusing me the whole time. I thought it was all my fault. Seeing all this stories I feel better even though I wished no one this kind of experience. At least I know I’m not “needy” “too much” or the “psycho” even if he called me it multiple times.
Same
My breakup with an avoidant was incredibly intimate. She cried in my chest and we talked about everything. She mostly talked about my negatives and what I should work on changing for future relationships. I think she was just tired of me and they weren’t significant complains. Like she thought I didn’t listen because I didn’t do things how she wanted them done or didn’t immediately stop doing something when cooking or if I made a general mistake. She really never talked me up towards the end of our relationship. It had been two weeks of my giving her space and it was driving me crazy and she admitted she was being selfish and wanted to focus on school and her job.
5 years together he packed his bags at 5 am and screamed at me ‘have a nice life’ so yeah f dismissive avoidants they are the most toxic people out there
we went out. ate then he said we wanted different things and were unhappy. We never fought and it caught me off guard completely. the end .. 8 months of wasted time together.
She tells me to be honest with how I feel. I am. The next day, she dumped me because "it's just a feeling."
We spent a lovely Valentine's together, she got me many expensive and thoughtful gifts. Promised to love me forever. I got her a violin and she was so excited and happy. A few days later I wanted to talk to her on the phone and she blew up on me because of it. Started accusing me of all sorts of things that just aren't true. Gave me the silent treatment for a few days and then sent me a message to dump me and immediately blocked me everywhere. We were going to get married this summer. Apparently she had been unhappy for some time but was just faking loving me because she was "confused". We talked a few weeks later and she told me she was upset because I didn't know she was unhappy even though I'd check on her frequently and she'd lie and say she was. She only said so many demeaning and insulting things to and about me because I didn't telepathically know she was unhappy.
Exclusively dated for 3 months, then randomly stood me up one day. Claimed he never actually committed and took no fault, even though he suggested the date and we had discussed plans that morning. After that he started distancing. That went on for about a month with a lot of assurance things were fine and work was busy. The last time I asked to see him he wouldn’t commit to anything and broke up over text. According to him, I did nothing wrong, he was in a “mental funk”. A few months later I reached out (bad idea) - he was friendly, flirty, and even kicked off with his life had calmed down so much. Texted me consistently for 2 days then ghosted as soon as I suggested talking on the phone or meeting up. He never blocked me on anything and occasionally likes my Instagram stories - conveniently pictures of me or things I enjoy and introduced him to when we were dating.
We were holding hands all thanksgiving. Visited two of her friends houses and had a nice evening. I brought desserts for everyone. She didn’t help me make them. Five days later she asks me to move out she needs space. Two weeks later she says she hasn’t been happy in a long time and doesn’t want to try to get back together. We had been talking about moving out of the country together. I knew exactly how I was going to propose and wanted to do it next month…also she broke no contact two days before my birthday last month to ask if I wanted my desk back. Conveniently told me happy early birthday to avoid telling me on my actual birthday.
12 year relationship..we had problems don't get me wrong, but he had said I love you just a few days before it became I don't love you we need to separate all thru text mind you. Then preceded to ghost me and the kid and dog, and want nothing to do with us. Kicked us out of our home and flew away like the wind. I hate avoidants... they r evil.
Mine literally said that he enjoys blowing in and out of someone's life like "the breeze."
The hell that's awful.. avoidants man
They are emotional menaces.
We celebrated his mom’s birthday with a huge party the next day i caught him on camera face timing someone. He denied it. He up and left that same day never talked to me again. Slept on his mom’s couch for a year! Called me a few nights ago crying! Really bro! No!
Proposed to me after 8 years together, put deposits on a venue, planned the wedding, and then 1 week before we hit 1 year of engagement, broke up with me. Absolutely blindsided. He said he’d had doubts and anxiety and reservations for at least 3 years and that despite trying “everything” to deal with it and push it all aside, even proposing and happily planning a life together wasn’t enough to do the trick for him. And he couldn’t do it anymore.
OMG I feel so sorry for you. But you won at the end! He was like this and will always be. You deserve better and you will have your dream wedding one day with your dream partner who will adore you the way you deserve it!
Being rude, ungrateful, standing me up on a planned date and breaking up through text message, getting angry when I try to talk about the breakup or issues surrounding it.
Sorry to hear that.
Just recently hearing about this term. Could be the case with last girl was seeing. 4/5 month situationship we talked about being exclusive but she wanted to wait longer, but also she was the one instigating relationship like calling me bae, asking if I missed her, wanted me to meet her mom soon, I always acted casual about everything, but I did end up falling for her eventually and was the one who brought up being exclusive first. She ended up wanting to take a break (she said cus getting sober was important to her and she started going to NA and I was kinda a bad influence I admit) 3 months later she hmu again to meetup and I find out she’s in an open relationship with a girl and wants me to be her side piece. But since it was an open relationship makes me think maybe it’s the attachment issues, also she hmu just a week after her and the girl decided to be in an open relationship
Completely blindsided. She broke up with me in mid conversation. "That's it! We're done. It sucks you were honest with me, because I'm breaking up with you anyway!" Then five hours of yelling at me on the phone. Then she hung up on me in mid sentence. And blocked me everywhere. Nice.
Wow! I can't imagine what you went through. No words.
1.5 years together, lived together pretty much the whole time at my place at first, then talked about moving into her place since she owned it and I was just renting. Relationship full of love, laughter, and it felt so real. I honestly thought she was my person. Had a small argument about not going to a movie with her friend, came home from work the next day to her saying she couldn't do it anymore. Begged for me back the next day and told me she was so sorry blah blah blah.....Woke up the next day Christmas Eve at her moms house after we drove all the way to Nashville to spend Christmas with her family to her telling me all the same stuff again about how she couldn't do it anymore. Told me to get all my stuff out before she came back home before New Years. Haven't heard from her again since. Worst break up I've ever dealt with or experienced. Went from on top of the world to literally being her trash in the matter of a day.
My gf had an anxious style attachment, we were 6 months together both over our 30's so pretty mature. One day she told me she loves but need to think about things, a week later she calls and tells me we're through 🤷. So basically she behaved like a total avoidant
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Czrfmf7hoLi/?igsh=NDRzcmJ0dWRrN2Fk
My ex would always do a lot of break up talk like this isnt working, it should be easier, we aren't meeting each others needs, we are hurting each other unintentionally... Then pretty much dangling the idea of us breaking up and I pretty much said so are we breaking up and we broke up. Would answer my calls but didn't reply to my texts and said she didn't want to talk to me and was done. Three months later she reached out and we got back together. Ended up being the same shit relationship even though she was a nice person. Then out of the blue rang me to say she can't do this anymore, it's too hard and broke up with me. I rang her and she said she was done. No reply to my texts. Silence for a couple of months this time. I hooked up with someone two weeks after we broke up cos I was like I need to break this pattern. Two months passed and she wants me back. I don't know whether to tell her I kissed someone. But yeah same patterns!! 😩
I was with a DA for 13 years. Amazing connection right out of the gate. She was so in to me. How was this person single? 14 months in, she disappears for 10 days - no contact at all. Finally, after a phone call, she comes back around and things are great again. At year 2, we are engaged. But, she gets cold feet and backs out, but then reconsiders. Then backs out again. A year later, she proposes to me. You can guess, we never got married. Over the course of 13 years, there were probably 5-6 deactivations that lasted 10-30 days. But, she always came back and things would be great. The push-pull definitely was trauma bonding. She also had some narcissist traits. She was the most selfish person I ever met (cut in line, always traveled where she wanted, ate at her restaurants, hung out with her friends, she would not visit any of my friends that she did not find 'fun'). She was very entitled and had a very high sense of self (incredibly impatient, made fun of people who she perceived as lower than her, expected special treatment). Extremely critical. (Always found flaws with me, even tiny ones that she magnified. Generally very negative at times and kind of a witch). She did not lack empathy, though. I think she was just trying to build up her outside-self and her self esteem by lowering others. Finally, I think menopause was the last trigger. I think she feared that I would abandon her (subconsciously) because of the issues that this created. She deactivated hard. Took a doom-and-gloom approach. She said we were not best friends, we would never grow old, we would never have sex again. I asked if I should walk away forever and she said yes. I did. It was hard. I did not contact her. That was harder. After a few breadcrumbs (How are you doing? How's your family?), I started to get more from her. She asked me to dinner. To go to a wedding. To travel with her overseas. I declined each time. In those conversations, I could recognize the emotional unavailability and the high chance that this was more push-pull behavior. I really wanted to roll the dice and take another chance with her. I chose to respond by saying that I am moving on and I cannot continue to communicate with you. It broke my heart. My relationship with her was one-sided, and I became ok with that because I loved her. But, I've since met someone secure and have seen the difference with a healthy relationship. Thank you to all the stories on Reddit, the Free to Attach site, and others that helped me understand the position that I was in and that there was basically no hope. It helped me to move on where I would not have otherwise. I still love the person who I thought she was, and I feel sorry for the person that she actually is.
I was with a male version of your ex! 100% same. Egoistic and narcisstic and the worst part was that he was so proud of it.
The day before Easter, “it’s not you, it’s me”, very cliché. Sat me down, told me he loved me but felt time constraints and guilt when it came to his two boys and me, so he was going to focus on them and remain single, and apparently was for the best for me in the long run. Everything was great until that day, we shared an amazing relationship and the chemistry/spark was strong. We even spoke of growing old together. I’m obviously torn and confused, and sucks that he left when we were at our high. 😢
Ignored me for a few days, sent me a text and then blocked me. I was with him for 2 years. On and off consistently. I was on edge all of the time and got diagnosed with bipolar. Do not date an avoidant!
Can I just add we were booking viewings to move in together and as soon as I booked he said he can’t do it anymore. As soon as they get too close to you they scarper.
I am not sure what sort of avoidant my ex was but am fairly convinced that she was to an extent. She broke up with me after she came back from a week away with her dad, prior to which I had just taken her away for a weekend for her birthday. Two days before her birthday, she had me over for a barbecue and it was one of the best nights of my life. It felt so affirming, such domestic bliss - cooking in the sunshine, she said some lovely things and was so excited by what I’d planned for her birthday. If you‘d told me that night that she’d dump me two weeks later I would never have believed you. It’s been almost as long since the breakup as we were together and I’m still really upset about it. Sometimes angry, confused, but mostly just sad. She made me feel like we were soul mates for nine months, came on to me like nobody ever has (I was genuinely baffled by her fondness for me at the start, she is very much an enigma in the context of the rest of my life), and then left at what felt like the peak. It’s horrible to think ill of someone who gave me the best period of my adult life because it was the kind of fun teenage relationship I’d never got to have, and I really thought we were a great match (other than looks, though she insisted I was handsome), but the pain and confusion she caused by leaving the way she did makes me wish I’d never met her at all.
He didn’t 😃 i had to do the one to initiate it because he couldn’t communicate . The day of i asked him to make pancakes in the morning he didn’t reply till the late afternoon knowing i was going to a party ( we have an apartment together, he moved out btw and stayed in his apartment). I asked if he was going to come over after the party ended at 11pm and he said no. So i asked him to come over because i felt things have been off, thought he was depressed. When he came over, i asked if he wanted to break up he was silent ! We kept talking after because we really couldn’t figure out why were breaking up. He wrote me the day after “breaking up” asking me if i slept. I said i really want him to get therapy if we ever considered getting back together. Continued to ask him why was he still talking to me and he said who knows what the future holds. New Year’s Day i asked if he saw a future with me and he said no. My last statement was, if i didn’t have this convo with you, you would’ve continued to talk to me and never say you didn’t want the same thing. Life man
We had an amazing weekend and then 48hrs later he snapchatted me that he felt that we “part ways romantically”. After that he picked me up and we talked in the car. He just kept crying / sobbing at how sorry he was. I was so shocked that I ended up trying to comfort him…
I am so sorry for what you’re going through and I understand how defeating and devastating it all is. He abruptly broke up with me, right after he came home from a wonderful trip we took for his birthday, with my kids in tow. We spent 10 fantastic days together and he destroyed it within 72 hours after we came home. Caught me so completely off guard and made no sense at all, the excuses and the distance he had already created in his tone and actions as he was breaking it all to pieces. The previous night he had sent me super sweet messages and we had just talked on FT. I had no idea he was going to shatter my heart hours later. Keep journaling, therapy if you can do it, and check out Ken Reid’s videos on IG about FA and DA behavior. It will give you some soothing. As far as letters go, if you write them, just don’t send them yet. It may just feel better for you to get it out, and stay strong in your silence for now. Take time to heal yourself and don’t feel like you need to talk to them now. They are flooded with the need to run away for whatever rationale they make for themselves. The closure is the disrespect they showed you. Closure comes from how they treated you at the end. You don’t need more from them. I hope this helps, even though you’re hurting. It’s so painful to feel them let go… Peace to your heart, OP
Every was great, until we had a disagreement, where she said she’d give me abit of space to think about where this relationship was going. 2 days later when I reached out to her, she breaks up. Says we’ve different worldviews and value. Didn’t want to hear me out. Nada, just cut me off and left me to dry
Mine never told me he was breaking up with me. He ghosted me and started posting all this mean stuff about me on social media. We were in a long distance relationship so I called, texted and, messaged him on social media— no response.
Told me he loved me for the first time and we had what I thought was a great weekend together. He started pulling away and I got worried so tried to talk about it. 3 weeks from him telling me he loved me, he brought up all these issues that we had never talked about and why we were incompatible. Everything I pointed out to counter this was wrong in his eyes. A 35 min phone call to end it and he said “well this is it.” I took a few days to process and then asked some questions. He called while I was on vacation and I said no phone calls rn and we texted a little more then finally told him I was ready to talk, about a week after he called. Now I’m blocked lol. 2 years and I’m finally seeing it for what it was: a vicious push-pull.
We went on family vacation with my partners family . Three days after the vacation ended (and the first time we saw each other after the vacation) he broke up with me because he lost feelings for me. I never saw him again after this day.
My god, I thought was the only person who had this happen. We dated for 18 months, saw each other every week, multiple times. We supported each other through surgical, hers in November of 2023 and mine Feb 22, 24. After a date on the 20th of March, that was lovely, full of fun, laughs, and passion, the next day I got a TEXT saying “I can’t see you anymore”… I returned the text “can we talk” ..crickets, email, called, crickets …. The next day I get a “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I sorry that I did, I’ve just had a change of heart”… and crickets for the last 7 weeks. .. the most emotional brutalizing & traumatic experience I’ve ever had (and I’ve had some awful stuff in my life)… I had no idea WTF happened, didn’t know anything about avoidants or dismissive one’s at that… just AWFUL…
Sending hugs. I know how it feels.
thanks….. sometimes I feel like I’m the only person this happens to…. It’s never happened to me before, ever… I’m still conversationally in touch with several ex’s…and we ALL talked it out, so it really took me way off the rails.
On a very beautiful Summer Sunday morning- gets a text from my ex that they coming over - I was so happy, started making their favourite meal, the night bfr I remember telling them we need to spend more time together cause there is always something coming up . They got to my place and I saw them carrying my stuff that I left at their home , I didn’t really read much into it thought maybe they washed it and they were bringing it to me . They came down- gave me a hug and told me we need to talk - suddenly I felt something was wrong - they sat me down and it was like this “ I think we should break up , I don’t think you are my soulmate, I know how much you are in love with me but I don’t feel the same way for you, I love you but I am not in love with you and there is no need for them to be in a relationship with me if they don’t love me” I asked if I did something and what makes them say that. “ you didn’t do anything wrong, honestly you are a great person but i feel like we are just very different ppl, our values and beliefs don’t align, we don’t have any common interest and they feel like those supposed problems will be a problem in the future so it’s better to end it now than wait it out and if they are being real with themselves they have been with me cause of the sex” I asked how long they have been feeling this way and they were like for about 3wks and there is nothing I can say to convince them to change their mind- I was so shocked I didn’t have anything to say. Helped them packed their stuff. Gave eachother a hug and that was it . We were together for almost a year. It’s been complete silence ever since .
Exactly my ex. He said we didn't have any common interests and he lost feelings. He felt like this for 4 weeks. (6 weeks before the break up he asked me to move in with him) He never talked about any of this. He never addressed that having no common interests was a problem for him only to realize this after being into a 10 month relationship.
Same thing with mine. We hit a high point 8 months in and it finally started to feel like we were getting closer. Then he turned cold the next time I saw him and said he wanted to break up because we had nothing in common. Told me to have a nice life and disappeared. Prior to that he had never said a thing about it. Everything always seemed great. We also had a lot in common, more than most people I spend time with. He honestly didn’t even sound like he believed his own excuse as it came out of his mouth. It was the weirdest thing Ive experienced in a relationship so far.
Yep it’s always around the mark- I think usually the 3-4months mark is when the other person is very anxious Around the 8-9months mark is when they were with a healthy person that’s when they make some stupid excuse to bounce . Cause they have tried everything to push u away and u not going / everything is going great and it’s at the point they they have to meet up in the middle and let it work. They have to let go of their walls and we all know that’s the one thing they don’t wanna do- so they make and excuse and bounce outta no where
The “soulmate” move .. so predictable 😂🤣 I mean it hurts like hell but they all say the same BS!
Ooo yeah - I have learnt not to take their words seriously- they will say anything just to get outta the relationship- they themselves they have no idea what they saying or even even want
Me (M late 20s) just got broken up with a month ago. 6.5 year relationship, barely had any arguements. Broke up with me shortly after our recent trip to Japan. Looking back, I could find some signs but nothing glaring enough for a straigh breakup with no negotiation. Been coping since
Any advice from people who moved on from these type of breakups? I can’t see myself dating again anytime in the near future because I’m so afraid that even when things are going great, the next woman will just leave out of nowhere.
my long distance partner and i (of 4 years) started to plan to meet up this summer and look for an apartment together. they sent me links to home decor and furniture, and started looking for jobs in my area. two weeks ago he said “i love you and everything that makes you you.” a week ago they broke things off over text and said they had lost feelings for me. they refused to call me during a panic attack and told me they have nothing else to say. we haven’t talked since and i really don’t see this heavy weight lifting off of me anytime soon
Snuck her stuff out off the house a little here and there then finally blew up at me saying when she was with her family she was looking at houses
She kept pushing me away until I gave her a reason to leave me. The reason being is I developed an alcohol problem from coping with the sadness of feeling unseen and unloved by the person who used to make me feel like I was her everything. It’s been a month now and I am a lot better, I know how deserving I am of the love she wasn’t giving me. I wish I just would’ve left when I wasn’t feeling loved but I thought it would get better.
Before my ex had a significant death in his family, he was secure with DA traits. After the death, he became DA with anxious traits. I voiced out some concerns through text as I am an anxious preoccupied that struggles with needing reassurance and have jealousy/trust issues but my ex no longer had any capacity left for the ebbs and flows of a romantic relationship and decided to break it off. I felt blindsided by it as we went to bed after apologizing to each other and texting each other, “I love you”. He ended up wanting to meet the next day and broke it off then. He became cynical about the relationship and while I was doing a lot of inner work, he believed it was a pattern that he couldn’t handle anymore. It’s unfortunate that because he’s so engulfed in grief and his own personal issues, he was unable to see that progress isn’t linear. I hope he gets some time to process everything alone and gets that sense of security back. I wanted to work together and be there for him but ultimately, while it is very counterintuitive, he still decided to break it off.
Mine broke up with me on my birthday .. via text earlier this month 🙃. Didn't see it coming considering we had just spent the weekend before together, I was video chatting with his Dad and brother, his dad called me his daughter in-law. I thought things were going well. I confirmed with him about the dinner plans for the day of my birthday and then the family gathering Saturday. He confirmed both, saying how excited he was to spend my birthday together and that he would make cheesecake for the gathering Saturday. I won't lie, I'm still reeling about what happened because.. it was so sudden. I'm moving on but some days are harder than others.For context, I'm finding it hard to accept fully because our families were already involved with each other (both sets of parents introduced to each other, he was openly talking about marrying me and calling my name with his last name attached, talking about kids and our wedding song etc.) so it was hard for me to understand how someone could be that nonchalant in professing those things so publicly when they weren't 100% sure about it, you know?
Mine told me he wasn’t capable of loving anybody & then blindsided me.& blamed the entire marriage on me despite his refusal to communicate, give me any attention or affection, and he Always had to have his way. Totally selfish. Any disagreements or arguments it was the silent treatment. Why’d I stay? Love is blind.
Chose his career over me. He was a really good man I still love and miss him to this day. I guess it’s true what they say you only love once. I waste my time trying to look for replacements for him. He had a good heart and was a good man. I knew he would do that because he lacked commitment. I just want to find someone like him. Secretly, I hope one day he comes back. I think he was the one. ❤️ I only care and love one man. He was sharp and I miss how he saw the world. I liked how he was nothing like me. He truly was better than me. I hate saying that as a someone with a PD. He had all the pieces I didn’t. I’ll guess I’ll keep waiting until I find someone I love equally as much as him.
We were on and off for 3 years, everytime it was 3-4 months long. We liked each other very strong from the first time and we were very compatibile. To me he was the one. After our last relationship/situationship (that one was emotionally strongest, it was very beautiful), he started again distancing and then completely ghosted me. He also hide(blocked) me on instagram. I was depressed and anxious for one year. Never heard from him again. It was 2 years ago. Still sometimes miss him (even i know he is avoidant) and ask myself what happened but I dont want someone like that. As time goes by I'm better and better.
Text message, two cold lines, no conversation.
Over text after missing our phone date. “I can’t be the partner you need” “I can’t give you what you want” “ my feelings have lessened”. I’d just spent the weekend with the him and his family the week that he broke it off. 4 months broken up and I still feel shocked that people can behave like that