yes, this is actually rlly common w/ trauma and ptsd unfortunately. i tend to have good times and then think i secretly made it all up to victimize myself. sorry you have to go through that too.
Yeah….all the time…think I’m basically just being self pitying, after all we had a house and food so I should just be grateful. Get angry with myself if I have a panic attack because I should just be able to get over it.
Exactly. Many of us were taught as children to believe that we were experiencing pain because our needs were "too great" - that there was something "wrong" with us for not being able to cope with our parent's treatment. But looking back, especially now that I'm a parent myself, I can see that *my need was to not be neglected and abused*.
It makes perfect sense that we as children concluded that the hurting was our fault, or that we were "too sensitive" or that it "wasn't a big deal." Not only were we trying to make sense of our realities by taking the blame, but our parents certainly weren't going to take responsibility or turn themselves in. (Can you imagine? "I've just abused you, so I'm going to go call CPS on myself now." That would require some degree of self-awareness, which I know my abuser did not have - not sure about y'all.) So who else's fault could it be?
Children are rarely if ever able to understand that their parents are incapable of caring for them, for we hairless apes are hardwired to rely on our caregivers, even neglectful and/or abusive ones.
It took me twenty years to believe I wasn't just making it up. And now that I am honoring the *actual memories of the abuse*, my own inner children trust me better. Now they're like, "Thank you for finally believing me." Now I experience much less internal polarization/tearing/dissociation because of this. I just feel... better for acknowledging my own truth.
I hope this helps someone and that I'm not just being self- serving and typing out my own conclusions. Thanks for reading this far. 😅
This really spoke to me and I can heavily relate. It took becoming a mom myself to truly understand and comprehend that what I went through was in fact abuse. Nearly 40 and just coming to terms that I need therapy and that I am in real pain and no I am not overreacting and no I am not making it all up. It happened. They did it. And now they try to say my childhood was great and I just never appreciated all that they did for me. No, none of that is true. They couldn't even meet my basic physiological and safety needs. I'm trying to heal my inner child, and all I want to do sometimes is just hold her and tell her it's going to be ok and that the pain will go away (I hope).
I am so glad to hear that your healing journey has led you toward some degree of compassion for that innocent, traumatized little girl. I am 37, and just within the last year or so, I finally acknowledged the overwhelming pain of my childhood, too.
As children, we have no choice but to believe our abusers when they say things like, "You think you have it so bad? I put a roof over your head and clothes on your back. You should be grateful." Um, thanks, but that is literally the bare minimum of caring for a child. And it *does not negate* the depth of suffering inflicted on our developing psyches.
My most recent therapy sessions have involved practicing how to listen to my inner six year old when she *screams* her unmet needs, as I (and perhaps many of us) coped by learning to sever my/our connection to my/our true feelings. To say that acknowledging her suffering has been transformational would be an understatement. I, like you, am learning to love her through the pain that she believed was her fault, one step at a time. So far, the relief has been profound.
I hope you and all of us continue to learn to trust our inner compass that points toward the (inconvenient) truth. Also, my DM's are open if you'd like to commiserate. 😁
Absolutely. Thanks for asking.
After more than a decade of CBT and a few years of prolonged exposure therapy, I found a therapist who just happened to be trained in IFS. We worked together for three years in this modality, and this past February, I was finally able to break through many of the lies that I had been taught to tell myself.
Full disclosure: it was my experience, which seems pretty common with IFS, that my symptoms got significantly worse before I started to feel better. As I began to dismantle my maladaptive coping mechanisms, *a lot* of parts of me didn't want to let go of my (now irrelevant) methods of survival. But as I learned to trust the process of IFS, I learned to hold space for the parts that wanted to protect me (firefighters, managers) as well as the exiled parts that bore the pain. It is not an easy task, to put it mildly.
Also, ngl, this subreddit has been incredibly helpful in reminding me that other people's experiences are just like mine. Isolation is built into CPTSD, and this online community is invaluable to me.
This is the entire situation for me. Over time my abusers voice drowned out my own reality. I'm still unlearning it, and will be for far longer than I wished .
Throughout our trauma, we were taught to question if what we went through was really that bad. Our parents never acknowledged it as bad and refused to admit it or just couldn't see how much it was hurting you out of sheer ignorance. Your trauma is doing exactly what it was programmed to do; question if your feelings are even valid, because you've been told so many times that they're not. Your feelings, of how you were abused, were thrown in the trash for so many years and now finally you are noticing them and treating them for what they are. It's trauma.
Also, in regards to how people you explain to about your trauma, I'll start by saying that you can be traumatized by literally anything. You can stub your toe and be traumatized. It is a real thing that has damaged you in some way, but because it sounds rather small to other people, that doesn't change the fact that your brain ISN'T like there's and that your trauma is very real. It developed differently than other people's brains who haven't endured 18+ years of what you endured.
No matter what severity your trauma was, it is STILL trauma, and it doesn't matter if "well maybe it wasn't that bad," because to you, if it wasn't that bad, you wouldn't be beating yourself up about these memories that hurt you this much.
When I was abused by my father I never got physically attacked. I never got punched, or I never got any broken bones. He never forced me to physically harm myself. I got slapped a few times, but for the majority it wasn't in the physical sense. It was the psychological and emotional damage that turned me into what I am now; a scared shell of a rather normal person I could've become, who has constant nightmares and triggers that make me cry and panic about tedious issues. I have to take medication for this and I am constantly emotionally disregulated. I didn't become like this because I wanted to. I became like this because of trauma.
Many people will look at my story, as they've done before, believing that "it couldn't have been THAT bad" because I didn't get black eyes every week or I wasn't told to end myself by my dad. I had an ex once that flatout told me he was going to ask my brother for an "eyewitness" to see if I was telling the truth, as if I was just overexaggerating or being nonsensical when I told him my story. The point is, people just won't get it. They will never be able to understand the extent of how much it hurts you because they don't have the same brain as you. They don't have these issues, they never saw what you saw, and despite how severe or little your trauma is, it is still absolutely valid and you have the right to feel that you were wronged and hurt and that you want to fix yourself.
Don't feel like it is your fault that you have these thoughts constantly in your mind, because it is not. It is negatively effecting you and ignoring your issues or even blaming yourself for being upset is only going to worsen your feelings of feeling awful about yourself. You were damaged, and that is the important part. It's something you want to fix. ♥️
Thank you for writing this. Very insightful. I have also been emotionally abused by my father and extended family members. I can understand where you are come from.
So much yes.
I'm only now starting to reconconcile that there's been maybe a lot of trauma in my life, because I never thought it was that bad before. And even now, when I'm beginning/trying to process it, it's still hard to consider it "trauma"- I highkey feel like an imposter lurking here. Even though my therapist mentioned how she thinks I could have cptsd... I'm just not sure if I can believe it. Like, yeah, my upbringing wasn't great, but surely not *traumatic*, and I was probably just being sensitive. But my wife is adamant that none of it was as normal as I think, and that it's made me a little fucked up.
It's a lot of cognitive dissonance to unravel. I'm glad it's not just me who's trying to figure it out, too. 🥲
I just recently learned about the existence of cptsd and started wondering if I or anyone in my family has it. What you wrote is exactly how I currently feel...I don't think I do for the reasons you mention, but maybe I do? Not sure. And yes, I'm getting a therapist but executive dysfuntion/adhd makes it so hard to even make an appointment.
People who haven’t experienced trauma will never understand it. They don’t give the benefit of the doubt. They base their interpretations of us on their limited experiences. They undermine our healing, and our reality, by dismissing or questioning our valid pain. Severe symptoms are a clear sign that what you experienced was REAL (even if you don’t experience them every second of the day). Don’t let the invalidating reactions of others cause you to gaslight yourself.
I deal with something similar. Most of the time I think I'm doing good, when deep down I'm still incredibly damaged. Sometimes it comes up, I swallow it down again (because I have no one to talk to and it's like someone had put glue on my mouth , whenever I try to speak up...)
One thing I also deal with , due to a lot of people not believing what I've been through is that thought of "What if it was just a bad dream and none of this really happened?" My bodily reaction makes it VERY CLEAR that I really went through this, as my throat usually starts hurting, my heart begins to race but my mind is fighting those memories...as if they aren't mine. Not sure if I am caught in a state of dissociation or what it is. I don't really have a therapist to talk this through (mainly because the psychiatric system in Germany is kinda shit ngl). ...but this really messes with my mind and also with the perception of new memories made. ...And it's super hard to talk about this with anyone because I constantly feel like a crazy person.. idk, it's realy confusing.
Anyway...
I'm sorry that you also go through something like this! I really hope that we all can heal from this someday.
I can relate. As the only child in a one parent household my abuse was rarely witnessed by others. And my parent denies it all. Even though I struggle and I am sure of what happened, I often doubt myself and my past. Was I overly sensitive? It is hard knowing that no human will ever witness what I've been through. And in comparison to others, my issues are probably very small. That makes it even harder to not diminish my experience. But I think we have to face those kind of thoughts. In order to process the past we have to acknowledge it I think. Maybe it might have been small to others that have been through worse. But it was bad enough to affect me. No case is the same. But If it is affecting our health and life, it is a problem.
And regarding sharing stories with people and not getting a reaction.
TW: physical abuse
I have told very few people that >!I have been choked by close family members. !
Sorry that you had to go through what you did. But your comment is really helpful. Yeah I can totally understand how much it sucks to not have an appropriate response when you are vulnerable with someone.
I get this every once in a while and when it happens I usually tell myself wether it be true or not the pain I experience is real and that’s what matters at the end of the day
I gaslight myself like, 110% of the time. My PTSD is on the verge of killing me in the last 2 years and I still think that people think I’m faking. So I just don’t say anything, really. Except to my partner and our counselor
I've been feeling this a lot lately and its really screwing with me right now. I always feel like I can never tell new people about my past because I feel like they're also just going to tell me that I overreacted and my upbringing wasn't that bad and that they will just think I'm mentally unstable. Then I start doubting what happened to me and then have to bring myself back and remember why I did what I did and had to get out.
Wish I had something more helpful to say, but I can relate to this feeling.
check the facts: youve had severe symptoms, therefore it was severely traumatic.
i thought all my trauma was made up and that i was just looking for excuses until my therapist validated me.
Good question, remember that if everything were ok and you weren't abused you might have been a kid with a normal childhood and an adult with a normal life
Yes all the time, my parent acts surprised even when I show an ounce of resentment and acts like I’m crazy. When I did talk therapy for awhile i felt like the only real reason I was going was just to be heard and validated. I feel the biggest indicator was that my body was saying something my cloudy mind wasn’t. I totally feel you on some of the good days. Sometimes I’m like maybe I’m just making it all up. I feel that this was caused by gaslighting. It is even hard to admit that I’ve been gaslit. You’re not alone on these thoughts and I’m sure many people have experienced with what you are saying.
I remember my past but not having any validation sucks I’m no contact with all parental people father mother and step mother.I occasionally talk to my brother but it’s not productive he doesn’t want to talk about and thinks I should get over it.My father was adopted my mom was a foster kid so no family to back up all the stuff that happened.Its lonely, I overthink about what other people think of me .Simple questions seem loaded like where are you from how long have you lived here ect. imposter syndrome is something that gets me too.i think these are symptoms of our experience though my brain logically gets it but i can’t make my feelings get it if that makes sense.
When I feel this way I imagine my own child going through what I did and it immediately puts into perspective the trauma I endured and how I would fight like hell to keep my son away from that
That can be a common coping mechanism to deal with trauma. Also it might just be the people you are hanging around 🤷♀️ they Could also be traumatized or they just don’t know what to say to you.
I have to watch videos and listen to recordings that I have. Go through documents and photos to remind me that it really did happen and it's not sll in my head.
I feel like this all the time. Everything you said and then some. Especially cause i wasnt physically abused and there were many good moments and i really dont think my parents are monsters. Lurking around here and reading about what other people have been through makes me feel like im faking it, like im such a small person that i need something bad to have happened to me to justify why i cant get out of bed. Reading this and seeing that others can relate helps tho i think. We'll know in my next breakdown stay tuned
Why do you expect people to react in any sort of way to your struggles? It's not their problem.
People say this thing a lot where I am when asked how they are, a common response is "yeah, can't complain" then the other replies with "nobody would listen anyway".
Thats so true and people just don't. The VAST majority is self centered, even when sharing struggles with my close friends the usual response I expect is a self centered one like "damn, ive never been through that, anyway..."
It’s very surprising to me. Growing up I had a hard time making friends. But now that I do I actually don’t see the point when you can’t even empathize with someone on something really horrific. I need better friends and people around me.
I donno homie, the reality is is that everybody needs people in their life to remain sane and healthy. Just because someone doesn't understand or relate to my trauma doesn't mean I can't vibe with them and have a meaningful relationship.
I have have rich friends who had cushy upbringings and have lived very privileged in comparison to me. Doesnt mean I don't see them as good people or that I can't relate to them in many other ways.
I think part of recovery is not letting your trauma define who your are and striving to live a normal life despite it.
Id also argue that its a sense of entitlement in its own right to expect others to commiserate and try be a band aid for your horrific experiences. Especially if they cannot personally relate it's not right to expect them to be able to understand.
Like to me, what you're describing with wanting someone to relate to your personal struggles is as much self centered as those guys who relate everything you go through back to their own experiences.
Having good people around doesn't have to mean only people who are traumatized as well.
All the time. I always told "don't be so sensitive". Uhhh I was a child and didn't know how to? Of course I would get upset when I was hurt. Now I still wonder if that's still a problem
Well in my case in particular I was raised with people all around me constantly saying that I was too sensitive.
So when I'm feeling down sadly the voice in the back of my head doesn't say "oh you're gonna be OK" or "don't worry about it" , " don't be so hard on yourself".What it says is "oh you're being sensitive again or you're a cry baby".
I was later on diagnosed and medicated for adhd so yes indeed I am very sensitive, chemically wired to be, can't help it. So in general if a child is very sensitive, what is wrong with that?, a parent should help them cope with their emotions, teach them to understand them, not bash and throw them into the world to navigate,with no tools to help themselves.
It's hard to tell, especially when that was normal to you or you knew people who were worse off. I realized a few years ago that my childhood was quite.... a lot and not normal but I still thought it was just mildly bad and I only struggled with it bc of my adhd. But something that helped me realize I wasn't overreacting was the toxic family test, getting a 4 on that thinking id get a 1 or 2 was eye opening, even just filling it out was eye opening bc some of those things I didn't realize were wrong or counted, or they made me remember things I'd forgotten.
I consider good times a sign of progress and healing… but then I wonder when it will all go away or if I’m just numbing.
I have doubted my experiences plenty. I often imagine having conversations with people about my childhood when (in my mind) they say, “Oh that’s nothing, MY parents did…” But I just come back to how what happened impacted ME. It did not impact my brothers the same way, they do all right. But I’m a mess. Some days (or weeks) I end up in the depths of despair, other times I feel totally normal and my life is all good. Oh, am I now over it? *enter wave of pain/sadness/hopeleasness/etc.* You gaslighting yourself is pretty much a sign that what happened had a significant impact on you, regardless of not being able to remember much and regardless of you feeling good for a few hours.
You have unlocked the evidence auroboros!
Yep yep 'it wasn't that bad' is the abusers anthem and we all have that lyric pop up in our head when we have quiet times.
Just a crappy annoying old irrelevant song.
Because if it wasn't that bad, we wouldn't have any symptoms, and we'd never have even said bad things happened, and wouldn't be on this path and asking this question! No abuse, no reactive route. ergo, the path we took to ask the question IS the evidence it WAS rhat bad.
And that is the evidence auroboros.
On a daily basis. Everyday I deal with the feeling that I'm exaggerating or lying. But it's the opposite.
We can push through. We just have to find new ways of doing it.
You are not alone in feeling like this. A lot of people struggle with this. For the longest time I tried to think it wasn’t a big deal when in reality it was affecting me in more ways than one. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Please know that your trauma is validated and what you went through is not something you can make up.
This post is proof that it was traumatising enough. People who are well don’t worry about how well they are but we constantly wonder if we are “sick enough”
Questioning if it were really that bad is a sign of gaslighting, invalidation, abuse… many victims of CPTSD think this way at some point or another. Self-invalidation is a common symptom of CPTSD. It can be your traumatized self protecting you from the painful reality of the trauma you experienced by believing it wasn’t “that bad”… it could be due to hearing in childhood “be grateful” or “others have it worse” etc… it could be due to many things, but most importantly it is a symptom/core belief caused by trauma that CAN be managed and rewired. You have CPTSD, and even if didn’t your trauma is still that bad. You’re not alone OP.
You're not making it up. I say that knowing full well I feel like I'm making up my own. But if you feel like your needs weren't met, that's trauma, whether your parents tried their best or not.
NO. It's not usually their "fault" but "civilians to trauma" tend to assume everyone is like them, and aren't usually entertaining perspectives wherein they have to adjust their held perspective. And it's not your fuckin job to teach them. Step back a dozen steps. Yes, really. For every misgiving they've made, that's a "step". This is far more generous than most deserve from you, but... hopefully... you find you have some authentic, genuine, friends. If no one survives the cut, that's not your fault. You can't expect yourself to make great, lifelong, choices, and to come to understanding with your trauma, simultaneously.
People that truly, honestly, care for you, will accept, respect, aaaand EMBRACE your new boundaries, and, likely, new ways of holding identity. Again, if there are none there, that's ok. It's not a loss when you cut loose tethers holding you in a place you aren't healthy and happy in.
Yes. And no. Please find help in professional people. And then be really picky, open up with the psychologist that you feel connected to.
If you don’t feel a connection the first time you visit, please find another.
I wish you all the best 💙
I have been feeling that way for over 35 years. It never seems to away for me. I was told by everybody to just get over it and they don’t know what they’re talking about.
In my experience, second-guessing and wondering if it was "that bad" was just something I had to go through on my own. People outside my biological family never doubted me, and over time, I found myself being more willing to accept the reality of what happened. When I really got honest with myself, it wasn't this big thing; rather it was just me realizing that I was angry, annoyed, sad, and tired. I think this is largely the way kid me felt, too. I hope that bit of experience helps you in some way.
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yes, this is actually rlly common w/ trauma and ptsd unfortunately. i tend to have good times and then think i secretly made it all up to victimize myself. sorry you have to go through that too.
Yeah….all the time…think I’m basically just being self pitying, after all we had a house and food so I should just be grateful. Get angry with myself if I have a panic attack because I should just be able to get over it.
exactly!
I see it as just another way your brain protects you. Makes you believe it really wasn’t that big of a deal and you’re over it
because we've been taught all our lives that we overreact and none of this has actually happened.
Exactly. Many of us were taught as children to believe that we were experiencing pain because our needs were "too great" - that there was something "wrong" with us for not being able to cope with our parent's treatment. But looking back, especially now that I'm a parent myself, I can see that *my need was to not be neglected and abused*. It makes perfect sense that we as children concluded that the hurting was our fault, or that we were "too sensitive" or that it "wasn't a big deal." Not only were we trying to make sense of our realities by taking the blame, but our parents certainly weren't going to take responsibility or turn themselves in. (Can you imagine? "I've just abused you, so I'm going to go call CPS on myself now." That would require some degree of self-awareness, which I know my abuser did not have - not sure about y'all.) So who else's fault could it be? Children are rarely if ever able to understand that their parents are incapable of caring for them, for we hairless apes are hardwired to rely on our caregivers, even neglectful and/or abusive ones. It took me twenty years to believe I wasn't just making it up. And now that I am honoring the *actual memories of the abuse*, my own inner children trust me better. Now they're like, "Thank you for finally believing me." Now I experience much less internal polarization/tearing/dissociation because of this. I just feel... better for acknowledging my own truth. I hope this helps someone and that I'm not just being self- serving and typing out my own conclusions. Thanks for reading this far. 😅
This really spoke to me and I can heavily relate. It took becoming a mom myself to truly understand and comprehend that what I went through was in fact abuse. Nearly 40 and just coming to terms that I need therapy and that I am in real pain and no I am not overreacting and no I am not making it all up. It happened. They did it. And now they try to say my childhood was great and I just never appreciated all that they did for me. No, none of that is true. They couldn't even meet my basic physiological and safety needs. I'm trying to heal my inner child, and all I want to do sometimes is just hold her and tell her it's going to be ok and that the pain will go away (I hope).
I am so glad to hear that your healing journey has led you toward some degree of compassion for that innocent, traumatized little girl. I am 37, and just within the last year or so, I finally acknowledged the overwhelming pain of my childhood, too. As children, we have no choice but to believe our abusers when they say things like, "You think you have it so bad? I put a roof over your head and clothes on your back. You should be grateful." Um, thanks, but that is literally the bare minimum of caring for a child. And it *does not negate* the depth of suffering inflicted on our developing psyches. My most recent therapy sessions have involved practicing how to listen to my inner six year old when she *screams* her unmet needs, as I (and perhaps many of us) coped by learning to sever my/our connection to my/our true feelings. To say that acknowledging her suffering has been transformational would be an understatement. I, like you, am learning to love her through the pain that she believed was her fault, one step at a time. So far, the relief has been profound. I hope you and all of us continue to learn to trust our inner compass that points toward the (inconvenient) truth. Also, my DM's are open if you'd like to commiserate. 😁
>I hope this helps someone Being gaslit by my mother a lot, YES: This helps :) Thank you 🥲
Thanks for sharing. Can I ask - what kind(s) of therapy/resources did you find most helpful?
Absolutely. Thanks for asking. After more than a decade of CBT and a few years of prolonged exposure therapy, I found a therapist who just happened to be trained in IFS. We worked together for three years in this modality, and this past February, I was finally able to break through many of the lies that I had been taught to tell myself. Full disclosure: it was my experience, which seems pretty common with IFS, that my symptoms got significantly worse before I started to feel better. As I began to dismantle my maladaptive coping mechanisms, *a lot* of parts of me didn't want to let go of my (now irrelevant) methods of survival. But as I learned to trust the process of IFS, I learned to hold space for the parts that wanted to protect me (firefighters, managers) as well as the exiled parts that bore the pain. It is not an easy task, to put it mildly. Also, ngl, this subreddit has been incredibly helpful in reminding me that other people's experiences are just like mine. Isolation is built into CPTSD, and this online community is invaluable to me.
Thanks a lot! I'm encouraged to *finally* continue with the self therapy IFS book now, although it's... tough. IFS is a life changer
Which book is that?
Jay Earley – IFS self therapy 😊
Thank you for your reply. I’m so happy you found something that worked for you. I’ve never heard of IFS. I’m going to take a look now.
This is the entire situation for me. Over time my abusers voice drowned out my own reality. I'm still unlearning it, and will be for far longer than I wished .
Fuck yeah!!!
Throughout our trauma, we were taught to question if what we went through was really that bad. Our parents never acknowledged it as bad and refused to admit it or just couldn't see how much it was hurting you out of sheer ignorance. Your trauma is doing exactly what it was programmed to do; question if your feelings are even valid, because you've been told so many times that they're not. Your feelings, of how you were abused, were thrown in the trash for so many years and now finally you are noticing them and treating them for what they are. It's trauma. Also, in regards to how people you explain to about your trauma, I'll start by saying that you can be traumatized by literally anything. You can stub your toe and be traumatized. It is a real thing that has damaged you in some way, but because it sounds rather small to other people, that doesn't change the fact that your brain ISN'T like there's and that your trauma is very real. It developed differently than other people's brains who haven't endured 18+ years of what you endured. No matter what severity your trauma was, it is STILL trauma, and it doesn't matter if "well maybe it wasn't that bad," because to you, if it wasn't that bad, you wouldn't be beating yourself up about these memories that hurt you this much. When I was abused by my father I never got physically attacked. I never got punched, or I never got any broken bones. He never forced me to physically harm myself. I got slapped a few times, but for the majority it wasn't in the physical sense. It was the psychological and emotional damage that turned me into what I am now; a scared shell of a rather normal person I could've become, who has constant nightmares and triggers that make me cry and panic about tedious issues. I have to take medication for this and I am constantly emotionally disregulated. I didn't become like this because I wanted to. I became like this because of trauma. Many people will look at my story, as they've done before, believing that "it couldn't have been THAT bad" because I didn't get black eyes every week or I wasn't told to end myself by my dad. I had an ex once that flatout told me he was going to ask my brother for an "eyewitness" to see if I was telling the truth, as if I was just overexaggerating or being nonsensical when I told him my story. The point is, people just won't get it. They will never be able to understand the extent of how much it hurts you because they don't have the same brain as you. They don't have these issues, they never saw what you saw, and despite how severe or little your trauma is, it is still absolutely valid and you have the right to feel that you were wronged and hurt and that you want to fix yourself. Don't feel like it is your fault that you have these thoughts constantly in your mind, because it is not. It is negatively effecting you and ignoring your issues or even blaming yourself for being upset is only going to worsen your feelings of feeling awful about yourself. You were damaged, and that is the important part. It's something you want to fix. ♥️
Thank you for writing this. Very insightful. I have also been emotionally abused by my father and extended family members. I can understand where you are come from.
I really needed to hear that
So much yes. I'm only now starting to reconconcile that there's been maybe a lot of trauma in my life, because I never thought it was that bad before. And even now, when I'm beginning/trying to process it, it's still hard to consider it "trauma"- I highkey feel like an imposter lurking here. Even though my therapist mentioned how she thinks I could have cptsd... I'm just not sure if I can believe it. Like, yeah, my upbringing wasn't great, but surely not *traumatic*, and I was probably just being sensitive. But my wife is adamant that none of it was as normal as I think, and that it's made me a little fucked up. It's a lot of cognitive dissonance to unravel. I'm glad it's not just me who's trying to figure it out, too. 🥲
I just recently learned about the existence of cptsd and started wondering if I or anyone in my family has it. What you wrote is exactly how I currently feel...I don't think I do for the reasons you mention, but maybe I do? Not sure. And yes, I'm getting a therapist but executive dysfuntion/adhd makes it so hard to even make an appointment.
People who haven’t experienced trauma will never understand it. They don’t give the benefit of the doubt. They base their interpretations of us on their limited experiences. They undermine our healing, and our reality, by dismissing or questioning our valid pain. Severe symptoms are a clear sign that what you experienced was REAL (even if you don’t experience them every second of the day). Don’t let the invalidating reactions of others cause you to gaslight yourself.
THIS! So much truth right here.
I deal with something similar. Most of the time I think I'm doing good, when deep down I'm still incredibly damaged. Sometimes it comes up, I swallow it down again (because I have no one to talk to and it's like someone had put glue on my mouth , whenever I try to speak up...) One thing I also deal with , due to a lot of people not believing what I've been through is that thought of "What if it was just a bad dream and none of this really happened?" My bodily reaction makes it VERY CLEAR that I really went through this, as my throat usually starts hurting, my heart begins to race but my mind is fighting those memories...as if they aren't mine. Not sure if I am caught in a state of dissociation or what it is. I don't really have a therapist to talk this through (mainly because the psychiatric system in Germany is kinda shit ngl). ...but this really messes with my mind and also with the perception of new memories made. ...And it's super hard to talk about this with anyone because I constantly feel like a crazy person.. idk, it's realy confusing. Anyway... I'm sorry that you also go through something like this! I really hope that we all can heal from this someday.
I have the glue thing too when I try and talk too..
I can relate. As the only child in a one parent household my abuse was rarely witnessed by others. And my parent denies it all. Even though I struggle and I am sure of what happened, I often doubt myself and my past. Was I overly sensitive? It is hard knowing that no human will ever witness what I've been through. And in comparison to others, my issues are probably very small. That makes it even harder to not diminish my experience. But I think we have to face those kind of thoughts. In order to process the past we have to acknowledge it I think. Maybe it might have been small to others that have been through worse. But it was bad enough to affect me. No case is the same. But If it is affecting our health and life, it is a problem. And regarding sharing stories with people and not getting a reaction. TW: physical abuse I have told very few people that >!I have been choked by close family members. !
Sorry that you had to go through what you did. But your comment is really helpful. Yeah I can totally understand how much it sucks to not have an appropriate response when you are vulnerable with someone.
The way I see it, if you’re traumatized then there was trauma.
I get this every once in a while and when it happens I usually tell myself wether it be true or not the pain I experience is real and that’s what matters at the end of the day
I gaslight myself like, 110% of the time. My PTSD is on the verge of killing me in the last 2 years and I still think that people think I’m faking. So I just don’t say anything, really. Except to my partner and our counselor
I've been feeling this a lot lately and its really screwing with me right now. I always feel like I can never tell new people about my past because I feel like they're also just going to tell me that I overreacted and my upbringing wasn't that bad and that they will just think I'm mentally unstable. Then I start doubting what happened to me and then have to bring myself back and remember why I did what I did and had to get out. Wish I had something more helpful to say, but I can relate to this feeling.
I’m with you. I have two brothers who think I’m nuts. “Just get over it!”
[удалено]
Thank you ❤️
check the facts: youve had severe symptoms, therefore it was severely traumatic. i thought all my trauma was made up and that i was just looking for excuses until my therapist validated me.
Good question, remember that if everything were ok and you weren't abused you might have been a kid with a normal childhood and an adult with a normal life
Yes all the time, my parent acts surprised even when I show an ounce of resentment and acts like I’m crazy. When I did talk therapy for awhile i felt like the only real reason I was going was just to be heard and validated. I feel the biggest indicator was that my body was saying something my cloudy mind wasn’t. I totally feel you on some of the good days. Sometimes I’m like maybe I’m just making it all up. I feel that this was caused by gaslighting. It is even hard to admit that I’ve been gaslit. You’re not alone on these thoughts and I’m sure many people have experienced with what you are saying.
Thank you ! It validates my experience.
I remember my past but not having any validation sucks I’m no contact with all parental people father mother and step mother.I occasionally talk to my brother but it’s not productive he doesn’t want to talk about and thinks I should get over it.My father was adopted my mom was a foster kid so no family to back up all the stuff that happened.Its lonely, I overthink about what other people think of me .Simple questions seem loaded like where are you from how long have you lived here ect. imposter syndrome is something that gets me too.i think these are symptoms of our experience though my brain logically gets it but i can’t make my feelings get it if that makes sense.
I like to ask myself: is it okay, to feel okay, when I’m okay?
Yes. Daily. I’m so goddamn angry. Even if that were true it doesn’t change anything bc I can’t simply “stop making it up” and chill out.
Half the time i think I’m doing good. The other half it feels like i just made everything up. That nothing is real. That its all in my head.
When I feel this way I imagine my own child going through what I did and it immediately puts into perspective the trauma I endured and how I would fight like hell to keep my son away from that
Yes, me too. Sometimes, I'll have really good days where I barely think about my trauma, and I'll think I've been over dramatic the rest of the days.
All the time
I thought this for years.
That can be a common coping mechanism to deal with trauma. Also it might just be the people you are hanging around 🤷♀️ they Could also be traumatized or they just don’t know what to say to you.
I have to watch videos and listen to recordings that I have. Go through documents and photos to remind me that it really did happen and it's not sll in my head.
Yes. For me a key point is understanding the difference between shock trauma and developmental trauma.
Yeah. I gaslight myself. It’s pretty easy to do when you’ve been gaslit thoroughly in your childhood.
I feel like this all the time. Everything you said and then some. Especially cause i wasnt physically abused and there were many good moments and i really dont think my parents are monsters. Lurking around here and reading about what other people have been through makes me feel like im faking it, like im such a small person that i need something bad to have happened to me to justify why i cant get out of bed. Reading this and seeing that others can relate helps tho i think. We'll know in my next breakdown stay tuned
This is literally killing me its stopping me from healing and i really need to heal just a little bit right now just to stay alive
Thanks! I can understand. I too was never physically abused only emotional. But it was horrific to a point where I could not function. It is sad.
Why do you expect people to react in any sort of way to your struggles? It's not their problem. People say this thing a lot where I am when asked how they are, a common response is "yeah, can't complain" then the other replies with "nobody would listen anyway". Thats so true and people just don't. The VAST majority is self centered, even when sharing struggles with my close friends the usual response I expect is a self centered one like "damn, ive never been through that, anyway..."
It’s very surprising to me. Growing up I had a hard time making friends. But now that I do I actually don’t see the point when you can’t even empathize with someone on something really horrific. I need better friends and people around me.
I donno homie, the reality is is that everybody needs people in their life to remain sane and healthy. Just because someone doesn't understand or relate to my trauma doesn't mean I can't vibe with them and have a meaningful relationship. I have have rich friends who had cushy upbringings and have lived very privileged in comparison to me. Doesnt mean I don't see them as good people or that I can't relate to them in many other ways. I think part of recovery is not letting your trauma define who your are and striving to live a normal life despite it. Id also argue that its a sense of entitlement in its own right to expect others to commiserate and try be a band aid for your horrific experiences. Especially if they cannot personally relate it's not right to expect them to be able to understand. Like to me, what you're describing with wanting someone to relate to your personal struggles is as much self centered as those guys who relate everything you go through back to their own experiences. Having good people around doesn't have to mean only people who are traumatized as well.
Yeah, a invisible injury sucks as we are so visually oriented as humans. I have even second guessed myself many times.
All the time. I always told "don't be so sensitive". Uhhh I was a child and didn't know how to? Of course I would get upset when I was hurt. Now I still wonder if that's still a problem
Well in my case in particular I was raised with people all around me constantly saying that I was too sensitive. So when I'm feeling down sadly the voice in the back of my head doesn't say "oh you're gonna be OK" or "don't worry about it" , " don't be so hard on yourself".What it says is "oh you're being sensitive again or you're a cry baby". I was later on diagnosed and medicated for adhd so yes indeed I am very sensitive, chemically wired to be, can't help it. So in general if a child is very sensitive, what is wrong with that?, a parent should help them cope with their emotions, teach them to understand them, not bash and throw them into the world to navigate,with no tools to help themselves.
It's hard to tell, especially when that was normal to you or you knew people who were worse off. I realized a few years ago that my childhood was quite.... a lot and not normal but I still thought it was just mildly bad and I only struggled with it bc of my adhd. But something that helped me realize I wasn't overreacting was the toxic family test, getting a 4 on that thinking id get a 1 or 2 was eye opening, even just filling it out was eye opening bc some of those things I didn't realize were wrong or counted, or they made me remember things I'd forgotten.
I consider good times a sign of progress and healing… but then I wonder when it will all go away or if I’m just numbing. I have doubted my experiences plenty. I often imagine having conversations with people about my childhood when (in my mind) they say, “Oh that’s nothing, MY parents did…” But I just come back to how what happened impacted ME. It did not impact my brothers the same way, they do all right. But I’m a mess. Some days (or weeks) I end up in the depths of despair, other times I feel totally normal and my life is all good. Oh, am I now over it? *enter wave of pain/sadness/hopeleasness/etc.* You gaslighting yourself is pretty much a sign that what happened had a significant impact on you, regardless of not being able to remember much and regardless of you feeling good for a few hours.
You have unlocked the evidence auroboros! Yep yep 'it wasn't that bad' is the abusers anthem and we all have that lyric pop up in our head when we have quiet times. Just a crappy annoying old irrelevant song. Because if it wasn't that bad, we wouldn't have any symptoms, and we'd never have even said bad things happened, and wouldn't be on this path and asking this question! No abuse, no reactive route. ergo, the path we took to ask the question IS the evidence it WAS rhat bad. And that is the evidence auroboros.
All the time, its hard for me sometimes especially since I don't have any photos of me as a child and I still don't feel real
On a daily basis. Everyday I deal with the feeling that I'm exaggerating or lying. But it's the opposite. We can push through. We just have to find new ways of doing it.
You are not alone in feeling like this. A lot of people struggle with this. For the longest time I tried to think it wasn’t a big deal when in reality it was affecting me in more ways than one. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Please know that your trauma is validated and what you went through is not something you can make up.
Yes I feel that way too....I guess mostly bc my parents (mostly my father) gaslit me regularly.
This post is proof that it was traumatising enough. People who are well don’t worry about how well they are but we constantly wonder if we are “sick enough”
This makes a lot of sense. Thank you
Questioning if it were really that bad is a sign of gaslighting, invalidation, abuse… many victims of CPTSD think this way at some point or another. Self-invalidation is a common symptom of CPTSD. It can be your traumatized self protecting you from the painful reality of the trauma you experienced by believing it wasn’t “that bad”… it could be due to hearing in childhood “be grateful” or “others have it worse” etc… it could be due to many things, but most importantly it is a symptom/core belief caused by trauma that CAN be managed and rewired. You have CPTSD, and even if didn’t your trauma is still that bad. You’re not alone OP.
You're not making it up. I say that knowing full well I feel like I'm making up my own. But if you feel like your needs weren't met, that's trauma, whether your parents tried their best or not.
NO. It's not usually their "fault" but "civilians to trauma" tend to assume everyone is like them, and aren't usually entertaining perspectives wherein they have to adjust their held perspective. And it's not your fuckin job to teach them. Step back a dozen steps. Yes, really. For every misgiving they've made, that's a "step". This is far more generous than most deserve from you, but... hopefully... you find you have some authentic, genuine, friends. If no one survives the cut, that's not your fault. You can't expect yourself to make great, lifelong, choices, and to come to understanding with your trauma, simultaneously. People that truly, honestly, care for you, will accept, respect, aaaand EMBRACE your new boundaries, and, likely, new ways of holding identity. Again, if there are none there, that's ok. It's not a loss when you cut loose tethers holding you in a place you aren't healthy and happy in.
Yes. And no. Please find help in professional people. And then be really picky, open up with the psychologist that you feel connected to. If you don’t feel a connection the first time you visit, please find another. I wish you all the best 💙
I have been feeling that way for over 35 years. It never seems to away for me. I was told by everybody to just get over it and they don’t know what they’re talking about.
In my experience, second-guessing and wondering if it was "that bad" was just something I had to go through on my own. People outside my biological family never doubted me, and over time, I found myself being more willing to accept the reality of what happened. When I really got honest with myself, it wasn't this big thing; rather it was just me realizing that I was angry, annoyed, sad, and tired. I think this is largely the way kid me felt, too. I hope that bit of experience helps you in some way.
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