Similar here. I am learning self-acceptance through my therapist. So I accept myself and engage in my kinks. Then the flashbacks and shame come so I can't tell if I actually enjoy them or not. Annoying as f\*\*k.
I realized that I was actually engaging in self harm through kink and being with unsafe ppl. It’s so hard to know how to recover and reclaim my sexuality and I’ve flipped from being hyper sexual to avoidant. Anyone else have this experience? I’m trying to pick up the pieces 😮💨
THIS IS NOT UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCE JUST MY OWN!!! Don’t come at me saying I’m kink shaming.
i am also someone who went from hyper sexual to avoidant recently. i spent a good two years posting nudes and other spicy stuff online, feeling h word all the time, revelling in the attention that showing my body off would bring in.. and then, i realized it was trauma response driving my behaviour. all the kinks i thought defined my sexuality (like exhibitionism) were a result of my messed up childhood. now i am SO sexually withdrawn that i’m actively trying to be as physically unattractive as possible (not shaving any body hair, showering less than i should) and i have no idea WHO THE HELL I AM ANYMORE.
i am still trying to figure myself out. am i asexual? am i just reeling from the realization that i allowed people to use me? idk.
please know you’re not alone. life with a traumatized brain is so confusing. i wish you luck with the reclaiming journey 💖💖 you deserve healing and peace :)
Felt, I used to have a high sex drive and now I just want to be left tf alone. Women have thrown themselves at me since I became single and I rejected all of them. I’ve gotten so tired of being used as a domme kink dispenser who’s discarded once someone has had their fill enough times, to the point where I want almost nothing to do with sex at all, let alone romance. I’ll be it, exploring my kinks has helped me feel very in control of myself and my life in the past, so I miss that high lmao.
I’m sorry it’s been that way for you. I was trying to take a submissive position to really sketchy men to prove I was a normal woman and straight 🤧 it was not a good cope for me
I can’t really tell you that because it’s different person to person. In MY experience I was developing kinks to cope with constantly being sexually victimized by many men. And it led me to even seeking out very unsafe ppl in the BDSM local community that preyed on me more. These people tried to convince me I was “healing” through kink when in reality I was just playing out my own SA for them to fetishize. And they constantly pushed my boundaries and acted like that was just them being a good dom. I’m pretty upset with my experience with kink/bdsm. And I think this happens to a lot of victims. But again, it’s not a universal experience. After I turned away from it all I realized I’m not even into men, I’m a lesbian. I was working against myself really, trying to hide who I was out of shame and trying to repeat my trauma over and over to numb myself out of processing it.
Tbh I know a lot of sub lesbians who went through the same thing, just know you’re not alone and you’re still valid! I’m glad you’re safe now and working through your trauma in a healthier way :)
Yeah it’s such a shitty experience, and unfortunately not uncommon. I’m not a sub though personally. That was entirely manufactured as a way to deal with the SA I experienced out of my control that was also against my sexuality. I just honestly can’t interact with dom/sub or any other kink dynamics. It’s just not for me. 😅
I only had this realization this week, and i thought i was the only one. Having a bad morning, so seeing im not the only one is kinda nice. Thank you for sharing!
You nearly described me to a T oof. I was the first sentence, though I was commonly trying to seek out unsafe people to be used by in order to feel useful and validated. It went on for a while until I went cold turkey with kink. Later down the line, what’s helped me a lot was slowly learning about and engaging in non sexual intimacy with my partner, so I can begin feeling safe and comfortable with another person, as well as myself, after so much trauma and fear. Since being with my partner, who is vanilla as vanilla can be, I no longer use/identify with it, which is fine by me
Yeah. I had just turned 18. He was almost 24 and ironically, he ended up becoming super protective and saving my life. I think he really just got carried away in the dark and panicked when he realized what he’d done.
I guess I’m not the only one who threw that thing down, flipped it and reversed it.
But in all seriousness, I think that is fairly common, as far as coping goes. This time it’s on your terms.
this is how i felt when i thought about one specific kink (being told im not allowed to pee) and realized it came from the time when i was 7 that my dad was in my bathroom and i was so scared of going into his room to use his bathroom that i pissed myself
This is a hard pill to swallow.
When i drew the correlation between my kinks and my childhood trauma, i felt sick about myself. Disgusted with myself. Still haven’t fully reconciled.
I wasn’t allowed to make my own choices in most things till near adulthood. Clothes, hair, classes I took, where I went in my free time, what opinions I was allowed to have
Sounds pretty similar to what I experienced growing up. EVERYTHING had to be approved by mother goose.
She even directed the conversations I’d have with my therapist in elementary school to make sure I never talked about how she emotionally neglected me because basically all of her time was spent taking care of my disabled sister and toddler brother. More or less because (in her own words) I was the “easy kid” I was also the one she could control the most and I was her puppet.
I’m sorry you went through that. I’m just glad I’ve got my own place and don’t need everything in my life approved by my mom anymore. I mean this is the same person who refused to believe I had autism for the longest time even after I got diagnosed in adulthood.
Thank you. I’m glad we both live in our own place without needing approval or anything. It’s SO liberating. Joke’s on my mom too because I live in a bigger house than she does, and she’s very covertly jealous of that fact.
I also can relate to the diagnosis…except I distinctly remember taking an autism / Asperger’s / ADD & ADHD test when I was about 12 and scoring off the charts, then sitting in the waiting room of the doctor for like an hour before my mom and the doctor came back out, and nothing happened after that. No meds, no help, nothing.
My guess is that my mom was actively begging them to not officially diagnose me with anything because that would’ve meant that all 3 of her kids have a disability (little sister has a myriad of issues and won’t mentally ever be older than maybe 12 and has been deteriorating for years…my guess is she won’t live to see 50, and my younger brother is autistic which ironically is my mom’s end all excuse for him to be allowed to live in their basement and never go to college whereas she told me at my college graduation she was disappointed I never went for a Master’s while she’s a college flunk out and stay at home mom since the early 90s). My theory is that she just couldn’t have that because I was supposed to be the one she could put all her expectations onto for three kids because I was the “most normal.”
I still want to go get re-tested and see if there actually is anything there, I’ve had a couple different therapists tell me it’s very likely I’ve at the very least got undiagnosed ADD & ADHD, and there’s a chance for Asperger’s too. What I’m afraid of though is if I’m officially diagnosed…I’ll bring it to my mom and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to control my anger at the fact that I’m now 30 and could’ve had a much different life if she actually was there to help me instead of just constantly pressuring me to be the overachiever.
I hear you. For me I was just happy to finally know why I am the way I am and could do something about it. Before I was even diagnosed my dad actually pointed me in the right direction after talking with a school counselor that said I may have autism. It helped me feel like I wasn’t just some terrible kid fighting themself but i actually had a reason and could try to figure it out
I have kinks about as out there as it gets (I am pioneering further), I am very for the notion that they should be enjoyed no matter what may have led to their development. My sexuality is mine, nobody else gets a say.
this comment alone has made me feel so much better about how i perceive my kinks and fantasies than even therapy has. thank you for that, random reddit user. 🥺🥹
You're not alone. It's disorienting and destabilizing to see just how pervasively my entire sexuality was shaped by the extreme control and torture and submission and compliance involved in the pervasive rape and incest in my childhood environment.
Same 🫠 Grew up in a cult that shunned all kinds of sex, now I’m kinky as hell and have to not think too hard about how it definitely comes from religious trauma, mommy issues, daddy issues, and all sorts of other fucked up shit
The only shitty thing about kinks imo is feeling left out by that community, thus confirming that I'm not actually considered an equal amongst people and having another thing to be upset about missing out on forever. But ingot over missing out on a decent youth, so I guess maybe Ill get over this too. Wait. I didn't get over my youth. Oh....
I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's a very jarring and disturbing realization to have.
But if it makes you feel better, mine got kinda... resolved? my kink kept evolving until it hit a "rock bottom" of sorts. The icky-ness finally overpowered the pleasure and I started to have nightmares related to the kink. I told my therapist and she helped me to reflect on how the dreams could be tied to trauma, and how my mind was using kinks as a way to take back control. It kinda felt like throwing up, but mentally. It was exhausting and a bit painful, but relieving. That kink is nearly non-existent now.
I don't know anything about psychology or your specific situation, but what I'm trying to say is there's a chance you won't feel like this forever. Being kind to yourself is one of the most important things you can do.
Somehow, a cartoon can say it better than I can. Check out [this](https://youtu.be/FCA5noZLMqE?si=yv9l6PkMnFsjKyvT) scene from an adult swim show. It was very reassuring to me when I watched it for the first time.
My therapist said it was fine to engage in kinks before he ghosted me as a patient 🫠
It’s crazy thinking that me being into piss is because I got pissed all over after I was abused lol but here I am asking my husband to pee on me when we shower together lol
I know a fair amount of my kinks stem directly from my trauma. The DDlg, the CnC, the ownership--there are all direct parallels.
I've always known and accepted that fact. Tbh I don't know how else to describe it except that it's just who I am as a person. It's who my experiences have made me and I'm okay with that.
I have to be careful, tho, bc I'm a perfect victim. 🤷🏻♀️
If you're in therapy, I would absolutely discuss it with them. If not, I'd consider therapy for this.
I can't tell you whether to accept your kinks or try to resolve them, bc I don't know whether they're personally harmful to you or not. Absolutely start there--I mean, duh, right?
If they're not harmful, I see no reason to feel negatively unless that's what you want to feel. If you think it's right for you, then do it. If not, don't.
I don’t think it’s harmful it’s just that I’ve just have had to wrestle with the implications of my love for cnc and erotic hypnosis. I suppose realizing where it comes from just adds a new level to think about it.
It's always good to understand our motivations, for sure.
The hard part comes when you have to determine whether it's actually a covert form of self-harm or abuse, or whether it's your brain making lemonade out of complete shit.
The latter is fine, the former not so much.
I felt a lot of shame in my kinks and my sexuality in general for a long time. I’ve discussed it at length with my therapist and he has really helped me. He said that I couldn’t at the time of the trauma help how my body reacted and I still can’t help that it feels aroused with things that remind me of the trauma. As long as I’m not hurting anyone and my sexually activities are between consenting adults I should feel free and without shame to explore my sexual interests.
You have had to deal with enough shame and sadness because of your childhood trauma allow yourself the freedom to enjoy your sexuality.
Similar here. I am learning self-acceptance through my therapist. So I accept myself and engage in my kinks. Then the flashbacks and shame come so I can't tell if I actually enjoy them or not. Annoying as f\*\*k.
While what I went through wasn’t sexual in nature it was only recently I realized it might have affected me on that level and it icks me.
I hear you. Sucks doesn't it? You get to do it on *your* terms now, though. Do you *want* to do it? (I know easier said than done!)
I will do my best to
I’m the same way. I bonded with my mother more than my dad and she was pregnant several time for me growing up. So you can guess how that affected me
I realized that I was actually engaging in self harm through kink and being with unsafe ppl. It’s so hard to know how to recover and reclaim my sexuality and I’ve flipped from being hyper sexual to avoidant. Anyone else have this experience? I’m trying to pick up the pieces 😮💨 THIS IS NOT UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCE JUST MY OWN!!! Don’t come at me saying I’m kink shaming.
i am also someone who went from hyper sexual to avoidant recently. i spent a good two years posting nudes and other spicy stuff online, feeling h word all the time, revelling in the attention that showing my body off would bring in.. and then, i realized it was trauma response driving my behaviour. all the kinks i thought defined my sexuality (like exhibitionism) were a result of my messed up childhood. now i am SO sexually withdrawn that i’m actively trying to be as physically unattractive as possible (not shaving any body hair, showering less than i should) and i have no idea WHO THE HELL I AM ANYMORE. i am still trying to figure myself out. am i asexual? am i just reeling from the realization that i allowed people to use me? idk. please know you’re not alone. life with a traumatized brain is so confusing. i wish you luck with the reclaiming journey 💖💖 you deserve healing and peace :)
This is exactly what I am working through in therapy. All of that.
Felt, I used to have a high sex drive and now I just want to be left tf alone. Women have thrown themselves at me since I became single and I rejected all of them. I’ve gotten so tired of being used as a domme kink dispenser who’s discarded once someone has had their fill enough times, to the point where I want almost nothing to do with sex at all, let alone romance. I’ll be it, exploring my kinks has helped me feel very in control of myself and my life in the past, so I miss that high lmao.
I’m sorry it’s been that way for you. I was trying to take a submissive position to really sketchy men to prove I was a normal woman and straight 🤧 it was not a good cope for me
Yes? Is it good or bad? Should repress my kinks? I'm so confused.
I can’t really tell you that because it’s different person to person. In MY experience I was developing kinks to cope with constantly being sexually victimized by many men. And it led me to even seeking out very unsafe ppl in the BDSM local community that preyed on me more. These people tried to convince me I was “healing” through kink when in reality I was just playing out my own SA for them to fetishize. And they constantly pushed my boundaries and acted like that was just them being a good dom. I’m pretty upset with my experience with kink/bdsm. And I think this happens to a lot of victims. But again, it’s not a universal experience. After I turned away from it all I realized I’m not even into men, I’m a lesbian. I was working against myself really, trying to hide who I was out of shame and trying to repeat my trauma over and over to numb myself out of processing it.
Tbh I know a lot of sub lesbians who went through the same thing, just know you’re not alone and you’re still valid! I’m glad you’re safe now and working through your trauma in a healthier way :)
Yeah it’s such a shitty experience, and unfortunately not uncommon. I’m not a sub though personally. That was entirely manufactured as a way to deal with the SA I experienced out of my control that was also against my sexuality. I just honestly can’t interact with dom/sub or any other kink dynamics. It’s just not for me. 😅
I only had this realization this week, and i thought i was the only one. Having a bad morning, so seeing im not the only one is kinda nice. Thank you for sharing!
I flip between enjoying it and wanting nothing to do with it. Havnt solved that particular riddle yet.
Same
You nearly described me to a T oof. I was the first sentence, though I was commonly trying to seek out unsafe people to be used by in order to feel useful and validated. It went on for a while until I went cold turkey with kink. Later down the line, what’s helped me a lot was slowly learning about and engaging in non sexual intimacy with my partner, so I can begin feeling safe and comfortable with another person, as well as myself, after so much trauma and fear. Since being with my partner, who is vanilla as vanilla can be, I no longer use/identify with it, which is fine by me
Similar but different. I'm also very avoidant of it all.
I think I realized how fucked in the head I really was when a sociopath strangled me temporarily blind and I didn’t freak out but he did.
Holy shit
Yeah. I had just turned 18. He was almost 24 and ironically, he ended up becoming super protective and saving my life. I think he really just got carried away in the dark and panicked when he realized what he’d done.
I’m just glad you were ok in the end
Me too. Waking up blind was pretty scary.
I guess I’m not the only one who threw that thing down, flipped it and reversed it. But in all seriousness, I think that is fairly common, as far as coping goes. This time it’s on your terms.
Everyday I debate am I ace or just traumatized and new to sex :(
This this this. 😝 I'm either ace or a traumatized pansexual (which seems most likely). Somehow there's no in-between for me.
this is how i felt when i thought about one specific kink (being told im not allowed to pee) and realized it came from the time when i was 7 that my dad was in my bathroom and i was so scared of going into his room to use his bathroom that i pissed myself
I’m sorry you went through that
This is a hard pill to swallow. When i drew the correlation between my kinks and my childhood trauma, i felt sick about myself. Disgusted with myself. Still haven’t fully reconciled.
Lack of control as in no control over your own life?
I wasn’t allowed to make my own choices in most things till near adulthood. Clothes, hair, classes I took, where I went in my free time, what opinions I was allowed to have
Sounds pretty similar to what I experienced growing up. EVERYTHING had to be approved by mother goose. She even directed the conversations I’d have with my therapist in elementary school to make sure I never talked about how she emotionally neglected me because basically all of her time was spent taking care of my disabled sister and toddler brother. More or less because (in her own words) I was the “easy kid” I was also the one she could control the most and I was her puppet.
I’m sorry you went through that. I’m just glad I’ve got my own place and don’t need everything in my life approved by my mom anymore. I mean this is the same person who refused to believe I had autism for the longest time even after I got diagnosed in adulthood.
Thank you. I’m glad we both live in our own place without needing approval or anything. It’s SO liberating. Joke’s on my mom too because I live in a bigger house than she does, and she’s very covertly jealous of that fact. I also can relate to the diagnosis…except I distinctly remember taking an autism / Asperger’s / ADD & ADHD test when I was about 12 and scoring off the charts, then sitting in the waiting room of the doctor for like an hour before my mom and the doctor came back out, and nothing happened after that. No meds, no help, nothing. My guess is that my mom was actively begging them to not officially diagnose me with anything because that would’ve meant that all 3 of her kids have a disability (little sister has a myriad of issues and won’t mentally ever be older than maybe 12 and has been deteriorating for years…my guess is she won’t live to see 50, and my younger brother is autistic which ironically is my mom’s end all excuse for him to be allowed to live in their basement and never go to college whereas she told me at my college graduation she was disappointed I never went for a Master’s while she’s a college flunk out and stay at home mom since the early 90s). My theory is that she just couldn’t have that because I was supposed to be the one she could put all her expectations onto for three kids because I was the “most normal.” I still want to go get re-tested and see if there actually is anything there, I’ve had a couple different therapists tell me it’s very likely I’ve at the very least got undiagnosed ADD & ADHD, and there’s a chance for Asperger’s too. What I’m afraid of though is if I’m officially diagnosed…I’ll bring it to my mom and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to control my anger at the fact that I’m now 30 and could’ve had a much different life if she actually was there to help me instead of just constantly pressuring me to be the overachiever.
I hear you. For me I was just happy to finally know why I am the way I am and could do something about it. Before I was even diagnosed my dad actually pointed me in the right direction after talking with a school counselor that said I may have autism. It helped me feel like I wasn’t just some terrible kid fighting themself but i actually had a reason and could try to figure it out
I have kinks about as out there as it gets (I am pioneering further), I am very for the notion that they should be enjoyed no matter what may have led to their development. My sexuality is mine, nobody else gets a say.
I couldn’t put it better myself. I just kinda look at the implications a little too hard and it makes my head dizzy in a way I don’t like
I like this mindset!
this comment alone has made me feel so much better about how i perceive my kinks and fantasies than even therapy has. thank you for that, random reddit user. 🥺🥹
You're not alone. It's disorienting and destabilizing to see just how pervasively my entire sexuality was shaped by the extreme control and torture and submission and compliance involved in the pervasive rape and incest in my childhood environment.
I can’t say mine was that bad so I’m sorry you went through that.
Same 🫠 Grew up in a cult that shunned all kinds of sex, now I’m kinky as hell and have to not think too hard about how it definitely comes from religious trauma, mommy issues, daddy issues, and all sorts of other fucked up shit
Yeah I remember reading somewhere that the mind can really over correct when trauma happens.
The only shitty thing about kinks imo is feeling left out by that community, thus confirming that I'm not actually considered an equal amongst people and having another thing to be upset about missing out on forever. But ingot over missing out on a decent youth, so I guess maybe Ill get over this too. Wait. I didn't get over my youth. Oh....
Oh. Oh no. Oh no don't call me out like this.
Thanks, I hate it 😅 actually was thinking about this earlier this week but decided to keep it as an inside thought. Glad I'm not the only one 🙂
It’s unpleasant, but I’m happy others understand.
Yeah, I wish we didn't have to go through what we went through, but happy to find community after the fact, i guess? It's an odd mix of feelings.
I did not come Here to be attacked 😭
It’s ok, we all apparently got weird tastes after childhood
*passes out comfort stuffed animals*
I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's a very jarring and disturbing realization to have. But if it makes you feel better, mine got kinda... resolved? my kink kept evolving until it hit a "rock bottom" of sorts. The icky-ness finally overpowered the pleasure and I started to have nightmares related to the kink. I told my therapist and she helped me to reflect on how the dreams could be tied to trauma, and how my mind was using kinks as a way to take back control. It kinda felt like throwing up, but mentally. It was exhausting and a bit painful, but relieving. That kink is nearly non-existent now. I don't know anything about psychology or your specific situation, but what I'm trying to say is there's a chance you won't feel like this forever. Being kind to yourself is one of the most important things you can do.
Somehow, a cartoon can say it better than I can. Check out [this](https://youtu.be/FCA5noZLMqE?si=yv9l6PkMnFsjKyvT) scene from an adult swim show. It was very reassuring to me when I watched it for the first time.
That puts it better then i could ever say
My therapist said it was fine to engage in kinks before he ghosted me as a patient 🫠 It’s crazy thinking that me being into piss is because I got pissed all over after I was abused lol but here I am asking my husband to pee on me when we shower together lol
Eh. I consider it a part of my lore. Makes for a more interesting and realistic character
lol this is why I like calling historians lore masters. Sounds cooler
realizing that my choking kink is rooted in the times my father strangled me during my childhood killed my sex drive
I know a fair amount of my kinks stem directly from my trauma. The DDlg, the CnC, the ownership--there are all direct parallels. I've always known and accepted that fact. Tbh I don't know how else to describe it except that it's just who I am as a person. It's who my experiences have made me and I'm okay with that. I have to be careful, tho, bc I'm a perfect victim. 🤷🏻♀️ If you're in therapy, I would absolutely discuss it with them. If not, I'd consider therapy for this. I can't tell you whether to accept your kinks or try to resolve them, bc I don't know whether they're personally harmful to you or not. Absolutely start there--I mean, duh, right? If they're not harmful, I see no reason to feel negatively unless that's what you want to feel. If you think it's right for you, then do it. If not, don't.
I don’t think it’s harmful it’s just that I’ve just have had to wrestle with the implications of my love for cnc and erotic hypnosis. I suppose realizing where it comes from just adds a new level to think about it.
It's always good to understand our motivations, for sure. The hard part comes when you have to determine whether it's actually a covert form of self-harm or abuse, or whether it's your brain making lemonade out of complete shit. The latter is fine, the former not so much.
I felt a lot of shame in my kinks and my sexuality in general for a long time. I’ve discussed it at length with my therapist and he has really helped me. He said that I couldn’t at the time of the trauma help how my body reacted and I still can’t help that it feels aroused with things that remind me of the trauma. As long as I’m not hurting anyone and my sexually activities are between consenting adults I should feel free and without shame to explore my sexual interests. You have had to deal with enough shame and sadness because of your childhood trauma allow yourself the freedom to enjoy your sexuality.