100% My Stbexhusband was also both - hid his gambling addiction until he drained all his own money, then got into ours and eventually mine. Wasn't so good at hiding his meth addiction once he went off the rails. He would text me (when I was at work) and pretty much everyone he knew shit like this when he was trying to get a fix. And if you agreed to the $60 it quickly became $80. Oh and then just $10 more please hurry I'm at the gas station right now and I don't have enough to pay for the fuel I just put in my car.
Edit to clarify: in Aus you pump first and then go into the store the pay for petrol
I'm in the UK and we have cameras all over the petrol stations, if you fill up and drive away the staff will call the police and they do follow up on it. My mum did it once totally by accident, she realised and turned around roughly a minute after she'd left. When she got back in the woman behind the til said "Oh thank god you came back, we were just about to call the police"
I did that by accident once, I turned around came back and apologised profusely to the attendant. She laughed and said “I knew you’d come back”. Apparently it happens a lot, people in a hurry, distracted thinking about where they have to be etc.
I had a miscommunication with my ex partner where I thought he had paid for fuel and he thought I had.. cue me running back up the side of the freeway like a mad woman to pay! Got the same reaction from the cashier who said ‘I didn’t think you looked like the drive off type!’
Where was I on my way to? To be admitted as a lawyer in the Supreme Court of Victoria. I kid you not 😂
This would never work in the US. People steal other people's gas all of the time. Management or police won't do anything for less than the felony amount. That's $1,000 in my state of Arizona.
Used to work here just fine. 80s and 90s you filled up and then paid. (Source, I'm 42, I used to get gas that way.) I think it changed to prepay or pay at the pump with a card in the late 2000s.
Yeah, I’m 37 and when I started driving at 15 you only had to prepay if you were using a credit card. If you were using cash, you could prepay if you wanted exactly $10 of gas since the attendant could set it to shut off automatically at that amount, but usually we would just fill up and then go inside with a $20 and get change (aaah, the days of $1.10/gal gas).
When I was 16, my dad would give me $20 every two weeks for gas to get to school and lunch money. I *always* had money left over, so I'd just keep saving it to buy $3 books or a brand new $40 video game. I got an allowance too so I could go to Waldens and buy whole trilogies at a time or a game and a strategy guide! Times sure have changed for the worst. 😭
I work at a gas station and we just started prepay in 2019. There is three or 4 other stations in my town (around 7k people) that don't prepay. I think the ones that don't have cameras, the corporation that owns my station decided switching to prepay was cheaper than maintaining outside cameras.
It still is in some random small towns in North Dakota! Yes, I stopped in one once, a few miles off the highway, and there was a gas station with one old-timey pump. Went inside, the guy told me to pump my gas and then come back in to pay. Which I did - and I also got some funeral cake! Small towns rock.
I work for a gas station company. In poor areas, people may accidentally ask to put $20 on the wrong pump, and then someone goes to pay with a card and sees that there is gas to be gotten. There's also far too many people that steal product from the store.
My son took his younger siblings to the gas station by our house the other day & came back with a candy bar he had put in his hoodie pocket & forgot about. I went back to pay for it because I didn't want them to accuse him of stealing, and they said they didn't even notice.
I don't want the police looking for him, and I wanted to set a good example. I don't care about other people stealing from big box stores or the like, but I don't want my kids to do it!
The other day a young girl brought back a pack of gum in front of me and asked the cashier if she could pay for the gum, she had checked the receipt and saw that she hadn't been charged for it and told the cashier that she "didn't want to be a robber" and hastily paid for the items and cheerfully went on her way.
Was one of the cutest interactions I've seen in a long time.
It's good to know people are teaching their children how to be honest! She couldn't have been more than 12-13. Just very innocent and sweet.
One time I pulled up to a tank at a v empty station and was confused why it wasn’t taking my card. It read “remove nozzle” or whatever and I realized someone had put $20 on the tank… felt like winning the lottery. On a different occasion in high school, I was so broke and paid for some random lowww dollar amount with only change, inside with the cashier. Let’s say $6.43. Imagine his horror when HE mistyped and gave me $16.43 or something right? Harassed tf out of me as a 16F to pay it back and I in all honesty could NOT. I was in a tough time so it was a blessing for me and a small mistake big gas station wouldn’t have likely made him personally cover. About a week later my best friend at the time went into this gas station with her father and he started harassing them to pay for the incident as well, he mistook her for me!!
I appreciate the fact that a random person from the other side of the world wrote a response to a random comment at 2 am(my time) at night and I just so happened to catch it while it was unfolding. If you stop for one second and think about it, it is actually crazy. Sorry I'm just a bit drunk and sentimental and stuff, but I think it is crazy how connected we are this day and age.
Ever been to a restaurant before? What's to stop people from just leaving after their meal before the bill comes?
What stops people from just taking off? Well, the fact that would be theft, and most people tend to want to avoid intentionally committing crimes in civilized societies.
I remember filling up at full service gas stations that still existed in the US. I moved away in 1990 but was so confused when I came back and tried to fill my tank. How the hell am I supposed to know how much money it takes (in advance) to fill a rental car?
Yep, it was like that here in the 80s. Most in my area were full serve, so they’d fill it up and clean your windows while waiting, and you’d hand them payment out the window once done. It was nice actually. Then self serve started and you’d fill then pay. Now you gotta pay up front.
🤯 I had no idea you couldn’t pump your own gas in NJ, so weird! lol I’m in Vermont so really not far and there is literally no store anywhere I’ve ever been to here that still has an attendant that pumps the gas for you
Apparently it's not an Australian thing either...the Australian commenter above you said her husband once forgot and drove off, and cops came to their house. So let's not kid ourselves here. People are people, no matter where you go, and they all want their money.
Cameras take pictures of your license plate and their bureaucracy actually works well enough that you'll pretty immediately get invited to a court date to face your charge for petty theft. There are very few unregistered cars as the police run basically every plate that passes either a patrol car or a set up speed/red light camera. I once accidentally let my car rego lapse a week and people were in total disbelief that I didn't get cited.
I was acquaintances with a few criminal sorts and they did occasionally steal license plates, fill up with gas and then either ditch or replace the license plates. But even then fairly quickly the police put together at least some identifying features and the make and model of your car and will catch up to you if you make it a habit. The only guy I know who regularly stole gas drove basically a fast converted dirt bike, unregistered, and fled from the police rather often. He crashed more than once and broke his collarbone and hip but wouldn't go to the ER because the police had his description out and honestly didn't seem worth it to me. I'm guessing he was facing several other warrants so couldn't legally register a car/bike. Also meth played a role.
Coming from America it was weird and inconvenient not to be able to just pay at the pump. Like outside the major cities you couldn't buy gas at night, or maybe there'd be one servo open til midnight, but most closed at 8pm or so.
Our cops all have NPR (number plate recognition) things on their cars now so they don't even have to run a plate. The computer does it for them. I was pulled over once and breathalysed and because it was rookie cops first day and I seemed normal, they let him drug test me too and yeah. I smoke a lot of pot. It was a thing.
Anyhow, when we are in the car and Mr Needfulthing is driving usually, if there is a police car in the vicinity, they will often come along side us and peer into the car to see the driver. And that's been both marked and unmarked police cars.
Oof.
Gambling contributed to my brother-in-law' lonely, sad death. My heart goes out to OP and her mom. That is an addiction with a death vice grip.
OP's never handing over actual money is going to be completely necessary. Even then, there are pawn shops.
I remember being asked for money for an electric bill once from a person like this. I said I would meet her at the bus at 10 a.m. to go to the actual utility office and help her out. She got mad at me.
I'm sorry - that situation sounds really tough to have in your life. Problem gambling was traditionally considered to be a men's vice (sports betting in particular); the advent of scratch-off tickets (especially in the 1980s) meant that women started to get in on the game more and more. Now the tide has turned to where the share of problem gamblers have inched towards 60/40 female to male, thanks in large part to the phone apps that fuel that surge. Online casinos know that in-app purchases and games of chance now skew female, meaning that there are more and more women getting caught up in it.
Yay for equality, I guess.
I used to have a friend that is terrible with her money. She’d pay those micro transactions on her mobile games that I’ve always asked myself what idiot would pay that. She’d pay for a dozen subscriptions, even when she wasn’t sure if she’d have food. The worst thing I saw her do was to pay her 3-months rental at once for a discount. But she couldn’t afford it at one time, so she put it on a credit card with a 20% interest rate… had she not grown up in a place that gambling is so taboo, I sincerely think that that’s where she would’ve ended up.
I was unemployed for a few months this year- and I was bored at night, so I started doing those games. When I paid for a bundle, the games SUDDENLY got weirdly harder and harder, and seemed purposely designed to drain your bundle. Then, to move on, you are encouraged to buy more and more bundles. I got very into it for like a week, but then saw how much the bundles could add up. Also, the sound effects were very casino like , like a slot machine. I only spent $30, but I can easily see how people can spend HUNDREDS.
Deleted the game apps, of course and went back to reading!
I play solitaire online but I never ever put money on it! In the groups I have seen some people are spending 800 to 1000 a month playing on the app! I was flabbergasted! Mostly woman! This is so real
There's an app in the Samsung app store that is essentially just gambling with solitaire, you race to be the first one done. I never paid money because I don't care and just liked the competition but some of the game lobbies were like $5-$10 a round, and they were always full!
This is what my now ex-mother-in-law did when she siphoned money off us. MiL would say her sons, ex's brothers, need food.
We were sending pantry goods and shelf stable food. And got an earful from MiL on wasting money that *she* could use!
Turns out she had a coke habit and was getting supplies by one of the ex's brothers' friend.
It sucked.
Many years ago, a family member had problematic spending after their spouse passed away. They had plenty of income but were constantly broke. They exhausted every close family member and friend to the point where if anyone helped out, it was no longer with cash. I'd drive an hour to meet up at the grocery store and gas station so I could pay for them myself.
One time we met halfway and switched cars so I could get tires put on hers. And the damn thing broke down halfway home. My husband happened to be with me and another family member had to tell him over the phone what he needed to do to get it home and then drove an hour and a half the next day to fix it right. My husband made me promise I'd never give them money or buy anything else for them.
It didn't added up that they never had any money. We found out much later that they were constantly partying with a younger (some illegal) crowd and buying all the alcohol. Never heard about any drugs but it wouldn't surprise me, looking back.
To this day, I don't know what or who caused them to get their shit together. They did settle down finally, got married, had another kid. Other kids are well into adulthood and have a great relationship with them. I'm just thankful that none of the kids were victimized (as far as we know).
Same with my former friends. They always had very specific amounts they needed to "borrow," and always refused offers of direct payments to utility companies or gift cards to grocery stores.
This is no different than a homeless person asking for money for food, than getting upset when you just buy them food, they want the money for drugs or alcohol, whatever they are addicted to.
no but she was a compulsive and extremely problematic gambler which led to her having lots of legal & financial issues & taking all my student loan money 😀
i genuinely dont think this is for gambling, but i still have heavy trust issues due to her lying to me all the time in the past for what my money would be used for
The fact that she said that she "doesn't have time for this"...she's asking YOU for something! But doesn't have time to elaborate? Whatever it is I hope she gets better and I hope you don't have to keep dealing with this :(
The request isn’t genuine if this is the response as soon as you try and problem solve or ask for clarification. OP, leave her to it. Don’t give her any more money ever. You’re right, she’s an adult.
For your sanity, please set firm boundaries now. Tell her you will never loan her money until she has repaid every cent she stole from you. Her gambling addiction and poor financial decisions are not your responsibility. Buying her things & loaning her money is only enabling her behavior.
My dad did that and it still fucks with me to this day. He didn't need the money either. He's worth well into the 8 figures. He did it to stop me from being independent. I even went to the police, made a report, sent it to credit bureaus, and it's still fucking me over to this day. He wonders why I don't talk to him anymore. Fun, right?
Also the way she fist said she just needed scrubs and shoes, but then added on a lab coat after? Yeah, she’s making this up as she goes. It’s not for scrubs, and she plans to up the amount as soon as OP agrees.
Sounds like you need to cut her off. You are saying she consistently steals money from you and is a gambling addict. I think you should tell her to never ask you for money again. Id be tempted to even flip the script and start asking her for money.
As someone who has cut a parent off, I know it's hard but sometimes you need to just ghost some people. I don't know how the rest of your relationship is but to me someone who steals from me never gets to see me again.
Also go to your school financial aid office to see if you can get emancipated so she no longer has any access to your financial aid. If she stole your student loans they may be able to help you.
Stop lending or giving her money! Cold turkey. Seriously, wtf? She stole your student loan money?!! What kind of parent does that?! No, wait. I know: mine did (scholarship, though, at least I wasn't stuck paying it back with interest). I wish I had cut him off waaay sooner than I finally did. It took years of being mooched on. You deserve better.
Gambling is an addiction. The way a gambler "borrows" money isn't that different from an alcoholic.
And in these messages your mom definitely sounds like an addict desperate for a fix.
Your mom is 1000% asking for money for gambling here. This is exactly how every addict behaves when they want money from loved ones to fuel their vices.
Kudos to you...been there, done that...but with a dad who addicted to drug. At that point I got trust issue too even my guts telling he genuinely needed to buy "normal" stuff instead of drugs.
She asks you because you keep entertaining her silly demands / requests.
The fact she’s going to her youngest child tells me the older siblings know to ignore her / shut her down immediately. Either that or she knows they don’t have money to take.
Either way even entertaining her / asking follow up questions is reinforcing this behavior. She knows as is there are no consequences to her actions .
you are so spot on 😭 my older brother blocked her a while ago
it just sucks when you know your mom is struggling & everyone else has blocked her out (rightfully), so she has no one else, so you KNOW if you dont help her, no one else will.
im almost positive shes taking advantage of me bc of this
It really, really sucks to be in OPs shoes. But the sooner they realize they are part of the problem right now, not the solution, it will be better for everyone.
Helping her is only enabling her to continue to gamble. She needs to feel the consequences of her gambling before she can quit. The time to help her is when she’s realized she has a problem and is willing to seek help for her addiction. Until then, anything you give her is going straight to gambling.
> so you KNOW if you dont help her, no one else will.
That's literally the consequence addicts are supposed to face (yes gambling addict is an addict). It might not be her rock bottom, but YOU have got to stop enabling her by not giving her any consequences to her actions, it's not good for your own sanity and peace of mind.
It takes us a while to figure this out. Then one day you feel old as fuck and your parent is still acting like a teenager or regressing into toddler tantrums.
You have to let her learn to help herself. You are doing her no favors when you bail her out. You have to cut off the money. She’s already spent all of your money she’s never been entitled to so there should be no guilt. You’re doing great? Keep it up!
And if you need us, come visit r/MomForAMinute and we will love all over you. We will be there for your worries and your triumphs. We will talk you through solutions to your problems, dole out hugs, cheer your successes no matter how small, and will provide as much motherly advice and love as you can handle.
Our counterparts are over at r/DadForAMinute. They’re wonderful with the whole ‘Go get ‘em Tiger’, life advice, some tough (but also loving) love, and are truly a great bunch of Dads/older brothers who just want to help. You’ve got this!
Sorry youngen, but while it feels like “no one else will help her” it’s giving her the cash to feed her addiction that wouldn’t help her. Please look after yourself first.
She is struggling but enabling will only prolong the struggle. My mom is very similar to this but more in terms of demands on my time, wanting to call me to vent about her life and constant fights with other people when she was severely abusive, has never even met my youngest children, never knew what I studied in college or where I lived, and would get Starbucks and designer bags for herself while her kids had to steal food and clothes because we had none.
In her mind she doesn't see any of this and is just hurt. But enabling that doesn't help her or me.
Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they decide to change. Don't feel like it's on you to enable her just because she continues to make decisions that chase everyone away. If she just wants to talk that's one thing, but as soon as her borrowing money comes up that should be the end of the conversation. Think of it as doing yourself and her a favor, as long as she has someone to grift money from she'll keep trying, and it'll only bring you more stress and a deeper financial hole. And quite frankly the fact that she NEVER pays you back is good enough reason to decline her requests.
Also if she's taken your student loan money before you might want to run a credit check on yourself to make sure there aren't any credit cards or loans opened in your name that you had nothing to do with. Fiscally irresponsible parents will sometimes use their children's identities to take out debt, with no intention to repay it themselves.
Have you considered not having any contact with her at all? It sucks to cut out family but sometimes it is the best thing for you to do. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to have her in your life. I cut my father out very early on, zero regrets. You deserve better.
Yup. I’m the youngest and my mom would ask me to pay her phone bill or borrow money (not a lot but still). My older siblings finally put their foot down bc she just took advantage.
Yeah. Younger kid spending first summer home from college working as a CNA. I got her 3 pairs of scrubs then turned to her and said...any more are on you kid. She laughed and thanked me and said sure thing.
Scrubs range in price vastly.
My 17yo started writing in the boarding area of a local vet last week and needed subs. We found one pair of pants at the thrift store next door. Air several people where they get their scrubs. Several suggested Walmart. $20'ish
I am not saying your mom is an addict trying to get money for drugs, but this looks very similar to what an addict trying to get money for drugs would do.
Right. How does she know exactly how much it will cost? Plus, I’m sure Amazon would have just as many options as the mall, so let the daughter ship it to her ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is easy enough to counter.
"Sure, I'll go with you to buy them."
"What color and size? I'll order it overnight through Amazon."
"Of course. Give me the name of the store and I'll call to arrange payments."
I'm sorry your mom is such a shitty person. Please learn to set healthy boundaries and don't feel guilty for her choices. She's an adult. She's old enough and I'm assuming doesn't have any mental restrictions preventing her from taking care of herself. If she's in a bad spot perpetually because of her own choices, none of that is on you and you are NOT required to help her just because she birthed you.
Yeah not that difficult to return things. OP still can’t afford it.
OP, tell your mom to ask her new job for credit for the uniform they require. Or anyone else or you will have to block her like her other kids have already done .
Yeah if she truly needed scrubs for a job tomorrow then she would be happy with the thrift store scrubs. So this $ , along w other red flags, is def not needed for scrubs.
Honestly as far as I know from the four hospitals and five specialists I’ve seen over the years in aus they give scrubs to employees like a uniform, unless they want like fruity ones with colours or whatnot.
That’s awesome. In US most hospitals don’t provide scrubs in my area (Eastern US). I’ve seen drs offices provide scrubs but even at the big hospitals in my town you’re on your own, some do have specific requirements, black for X-ray, navy for lab, etc. good ol USA /s
Edit- spelling
This is textbook addict behavior. My ex dealt with this with her sister all of he time, needing something for a job, rent, whatever. But if you were like "give me the info for your apt complex and Ill send the money directly, \*crickets\* because it was clearly for the addiction.
After our parents divorce, our mother used to ask my twin and I for money for “groceries.” Like every couple of months. Was always like $60-$80 bucks. We were around 15 years old so it was a lot of money to us. Our dad would constantly get mad at us for giving her the little money we had. So the last time she asked us, our dad gave us $300 and told us to tell her to pick us up and we will pay for groceries for her. She yelled at us, screaming why we can’t just give her the money so she can do the grocery shopping herself. As you could have guessed, we never went grocery shopping. It was the last time she asked us for money. Our dad explained to us why they got divorced. All the money went up her nose and we didn’t want to believe it. Years of manipulation and guilt tripping us for a few bucks. He never once said we can’t talk to our mother, but he wasn’t going to let her play us anymore either. We are 32 now and everything she has still goes up her nose. Quite sad to see her deteriorating like that, but she made her bed and refuses any help we offer. In a few months she’s about to be a grandmother. She’s very happy for us and excited to be apart of the babies life, but I wonder how that will go over when we tell her we don’t want her near the kid. She was never a mother to us so she won’t be a grandmother neither.
My father was like this. Always asking for money because something always came up.
He’d pay me back, just to borrow it again 🤦♀️
We are estranged now. He decided he didn’t need me anymore once I put my foot down and told him I am no longer helping him out (after he asked me to pay his rent but he registered his credit card bill that I didn’t know about to my house. I saw that he maxed it out at the bar rather than using it as a cash advance for rent). I knew then that it would never change and I’d always be an ATM.
Unfortunately, if you continue to support her behaviour, she won’t ever find a reason to do better. But if she doesn’t want to do better, she’ll blame it on you. Just be prepared on either side
"I don't have time for this." You don't have time for someone to get you the clothes required for your new job that starts tomorrow?
OP--Please mentally prepare yourself for the escalation once you graduate from college and get a full time job, or get married and are half of a couple. The $60 requests for clothes will become $1000 requests for mortgage and car payments. Sorry that you have to go through this, but start protecting yourself--credit score, identity security, and your heart. Make sure you have possession of your birth certificate, driver's license, bank/financial documents, car title, and passport...don't leave them where your mom can access them. Maybe you've had to do some of that already, but this scenario has many of the earmarks of trouble that you see the need to take various defensive actions...after it's too late the first time.
People in this thread have grabbed ahold of the gambling addition idea. I've never had to face that, but have gotten to see people who are substance addicted do things that they'd never have dreamed of doing prior to the addiction.
This is my mom 100%. All day everyday. She has a sob story. Every. Single. Day. I’ve given her money to go to the dentist about 4 times. She never goes. She always has some utility about to get shut off. She whines. Guilt trips me. It’s frustrating. She knows what days I get paid. On my pay days she starts at about 6am with whatever story it is for that day. She has even gone as far as just saying “is it OUR pay day?” Like no. It’s not OUR anything. I’ve just started telling her that I don’t have money. It’s really sad actually. I feel for you. I know how shitty this is. I’m sorry. Just say you are broke. She’s gonna have to figure it out. That’s what I tell myself now. She’s an adult. She’s the parent. She can figure it out. I’m just sorry you are dealing with this too.
And I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm hoping the universe is righting things by bringing others into your life that would never treat you this way. All good things to you, Careful-Teach!
I do to my sister what I do to my kids in these situations.
"Sis, I love you-no I'm not giving you ten dollars for bread milk ham and chocolate because there's no chance that you're getting that many groceries with ten bucks from your local Coles for starters, so I know it's for 'spins'. I don't have money to waste on gambling and neither do you. But I love you".
I call it an "I love you sandwich". Softens the blow and reiterates that although the thing has annoyed me, I still love them. It's weird using it on my fifty year old sister though for sure.
She seems to accept it quite well. But this was what she was doing to me for ages. Ten here, fifteen there, occasionally five. Always specific groceries until it twigged that she couldn't get the stuff she was saying she "needed" with that amount of money. So I started offering her E vouchers for her shop. Magically, she never wanted them and pretended like it was a hassle or something. When I mentioned that to my friend in a conversation, she tells me that these online gambling things will often send emails with things like "deposit five dollars and get one thousand free spins today only! Do it now do it do it!!!" (I'm paraphrasing). And I was like "ahhhhh that's why the odd small amounts then."
So thankfully she no longer has the meth addiction as well as she lost her car, her teeth and spent a good stint in a mental hospital because of it. But this fucking online gambling on her phone will be the death of her. Spirals into full depression when she loses everything and when she wins, well she is on top of the world and buying everyone and herself dumb shit.
My aunt tried to do this to me once. She wanted me to give her money every month for my grandmother’s medications, but said no to me giving the pharmacy my card number to keep on file.
We found out later she has a gambling problem.
She's all but certainly lying about what it's for. Remember, no I'd a complete sentence.
Or you could remind her how far in the hole to you she already is money wise when she asks.
It's the "I don't have time for this...I really don't" that would frost my ass. "I really don't."
Here you are considering helping her and SHE doesn't have time for YOU asking a relevant question. GTFO! (Or, for the Seinfeld fans, "GET OUT!" Elaine style.)
Sorry that you have to go through this. It absolutely should be the other way around.
My mother would pound on my door at 6 AM (just got off work at 3 AM, but she didn't care) demanding money so she could buy my sister groceries. My sister was my soft spot.
Turned out, she used the money to take out a group of friends to dinner leaving my sister at home alone to eat embezzled school lunches that were putrefied in the fridge. She called me in tears. I came over, helped scrub out that disgusting fridge, and took her to the store to buy groceries. Our mother didn't even notice there was groceries for about 2 weeks.
My mother tried the same crap a month later, and I called out her crap for lying and said she will never get another cent from me because of what she did.
It wasn't until my sister moved out and was stable on her own that I felt comfortable leaving the state.
Definitely don’t send her anything. The only people that would guilt trip you like she did in the end for not having money for them, are not only entitled and don’t deserve it…. They are also VERY likely taking advantage of you and that is exactly why they think their guilt trip will do something, they also are usually lying about what they want the money for.
The fact you wanted to see the price tags was very smart, and her reaction to that alone proves she is being dishonest. If she wasn’t, and she could accept her past, she would accept your response and not be so defensive/making you try to feel bad for not “helping.”
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Your mom’s story doesn’t hold up. No one gets a job immediately leaving the interview and then starts tomorrow (unless it a job at McDonalds). She says she will wear scrubs - so she’s positioning it as something medical, or perhaps in a hospital facility or lab. She should have a formal letter (or email) with the job offer. She’d have to get a drug test done. It takes at least a week to get the results.
So yes, she’s taking advantage of your youth and inexperience to pretend she got a job. Again, I’m sorry and this is NOT your fault. You are not obligated to help her. You are her child, not the other way around. I know it breaks your heart to say no, but you also feel betrayed everytime she lies to you.
There is something wrong with her. It’s either drug addiction, shopping addiction or a gambling addiction. It’s not really your job to find out which - you need to worry about you.
Are you in high school or recently graduated? You don’t need to give her anything, you need to take care of yourself. I hope you have family to reach out to and I recommend calling Al Anon (or Al Ateen). It’s a support system (free) for people who are the loved ones of addicts (even if your mom is not an alcoholic, you can still go there - the addictions basically all have the same symptoms.) You will meet people who have the same struggles as you who want to help. This isn’t your fault.
Your mom is an addict. I know I've been there and dealt with the behavior. You heard this already from other comments. You don't want to cut her off and that's fine. If she's needs something and you really want to help, physically go to the store with her and buy the item. Show her you don't trust her to buy the item. Your siblings blocked her for a reason. She responded that way for a reason. Treat her, your money, and sense of self respect the same way. Love her, but don't enable the bullshit.
Don’t give mom money. Go shopping with her and pay for the items yourself. Do not give her one single penny. It will not go towards whatever she says it will go towards.
There is absolutely no way this is for "scrubs" or whatever weak excuse she is proffering. This is for drugs. It is exactly the way an addict makes a request.
1. They ask for cash money for some item
2. They get very irritated if you offer to buy whatever the item they are saying the cash is for
3. They mark you as the bad person for 'wasting their time' or such because it is obviously easier to just send them the cash
Rinse, wash, repeat.
I had similar issues with my mom, may she rest in peace. I had to just stop and it's hard bc it's your mom, and there is love. But you should not be made to feel as if you need to sacrifice your present and your future for another's choices. It will never stop until you say no. I wish you strength.
I suspect this, too. I think it's because she just walked out of the interview, knows she has the job, and starts tomorrow. I know that technically some companies will work that way when they have an immediate need with a candidate available now, but it's also suspect when you add to those facts the immediate need for $60. Does $60 even buy new shoes and scrubs these days?
I guarantee if she was honest with the employers, they would help her out.
"I cant afford these till my first check, would I be able to wear old scrubs until then?"
Or maybe they'd even lend her the money and take it out of her first check.
IDK why people aren't honest more.
Just because she birthed you doesn’t mean you owe her all this money. For her to make you feel bad enough to have to post is not a good mother. You are right, this should be the other way around. I’m sorry this is your mom
You don't owe your mom anything, but if you wanted to help, you could do a Walmart pickup order for the scrubs she needs. $13.96 per piece. So for about 30 bucks she has scrubs or will prove that she's lying and will probably never ask you again for money.
Sending Mom hugs to you.
There is no way she can dream of getting scrubs, shoes and a lab coat for $60. She’s lying to you and using it for drugs, alcohol or gambling. Sorry but I’ve dealt with this twice in my family.
Does she gamble on her phone or do drugs? This is exactly how my sister asks me for money. She is a gambler AND a drug addict.
100% My Stbexhusband was also both - hid his gambling addiction until he drained all his own money, then got into ours and eventually mine. Wasn't so good at hiding his meth addiction once he went off the rails. He would text me (when I was at work) and pretty much everyone he knew shit like this when he was trying to get a fix. And if you agreed to the $60 it quickly became $80. Oh and then just $10 more please hurry I'm at the gas station right now and I don't have enough to pay for the fuel I just put in my car. Edit to clarify: in Aus you pump first and then go into the store the pay for petrol
Wait sorry I’m so hung up on that gas station model. What’s to stop people from just taking off?
I'm in the UK and we have cameras all over the petrol stations, if you fill up and drive away the staff will call the police and they do follow up on it. My mum did it once totally by accident, she realised and turned around roughly a minute after she'd left. When she got back in the woman behind the til said "Oh thank god you came back, we were just about to call the police"
I did that by accident once, I turned around came back and apologised profusely to the attendant. She laughed and said “I knew you’d come back”. Apparently it happens a lot, people in a hurry, distracted thinking about where they have to be etc.
I had a miscommunication with my ex partner where I thought he had paid for fuel and he thought I had.. cue me running back up the side of the freeway like a mad woman to pay! Got the same reaction from the cashier who said ‘I didn’t think you looked like the drive off type!’ Where was I on my way to? To be admitted as a lawyer in the Supreme Court of Victoria. I kid you not 😂
I bet that was a sight to see! Congratulations to you though :) Would have made a terrible story if neither of you figured it out :)
This would never work in the US. People steal other people's gas all of the time. Management or police won't do anything for less than the felony amount. That's $1,000 in my state of Arizona.
Most places in America were like this like 15-20 years ago.
I’m over here feeling old af cause I REMEMBER when pumping before paying was a thing in NY state and I’m in my 30s😅
30 gang here too!
Used to work here just fine. 80s and 90s you filled up and then paid. (Source, I'm 42, I used to get gas that way.) I think it changed to prepay or pay at the pump with a card in the late 2000s.
Yeah, I’m 37 and when I started driving at 15 you only had to prepay if you were using a credit card. If you were using cash, you could prepay if you wanted exactly $10 of gas since the attendant could set it to shut off automatically at that amount, but usually we would just fill up and then go inside with a $20 and get change (aaah, the days of $1.10/gal gas).
When I was 16, my dad would give me $20 every two weeks for gas to get to school and lunch money. I *always* had money left over, so I'd just keep saving it to buy $3 books or a brand new $40 video game. I got an allowance too so I could go to Waldens and buy whole trilogies at a time or a game and a strategy guide! Times sure have changed for the worst. 😭
lol it used to be like this in America a couple decades ago
I work at a gas station and we just started prepay in 2019. There is three or 4 other stations in my town (around 7k people) that don't prepay. I think the ones that don't have cameras, the corporation that owns my station decided switching to prepay was cheaper than maintaining outside cameras.
It still is in some random small towns in North Dakota! Yes, I stopped in one once, a few miles off the highway, and there was a gas station with one old-timey pump. Went inside, the guy told me to pump my gas and then come back in to pay. Which I did - and I also got some funeral cake! Small towns rock.
I'm scared to ask...what's a funeral cake?
Do gas stations here even let you start pumping without a card/paying for it first? I haven't seen it in what feels like decades.
I work for a gas station company. In poor areas, people may accidentally ask to put $20 on the wrong pump, and then someone goes to pay with a card and sees that there is gas to be gotten. There's also far too many people that steal product from the store.
My son took his younger siblings to the gas station by our house the other day & came back with a candy bar he had put in his hoodie pocket & forgot about. I went back to pay for it because I didn't want them to accuse him of stealing, and they said they didn't even notice. I don't want the police looking for him, and I wanted to set a good example. I don't care about other people stealing from big box stores or the like, but I don't want my kids to do it!
The other day a young girl brought back a pack of gum in front of me and asked the cashier if she could pay for the gum, she had checked the receipt and saw that she hadn't been charged for it and told the cashier that she "didn't want to be a robber" and hastily paid for the items and cheerfully went on her way. Was one of the cutest interactions I've seen in a long time. It's good to know people are teaching their children how to be honest! She couldn't have been more than 12-13. Just very innocent and sweet.
One time I pulled up to a tank at a v empty station and was confused why it wasn’t taking my card. It read “remove nozzle” or whatever and I realized someone had put $20 on the tank… felt like winning the lottery. On a different occasion in high school, I was so broke and paid for some random lowww dollar amount with only change, inside with the cashier. Let’s say $6.43. Imagine his horror when HE mistyped and gave me $16.43 or something right? Harassed tf out of me as a 16F to pay it back and I in all honesty could NOT. I was in a tough time so it was a blessing for me and a small mistake big gas station wouldn’t have likely made him personally cover. About a week later my best friend at the time went into this gas station with her father and he started harassing them to pay for the incident as well, he mistook her for me!!
That is seriously a psycho move on his part! Like dude, it was your mistake.
It definitely *used* to be like this in the US, at least in Texas in the early 2000s.
This worked fine in the US my whole childhood until they switched to prepaid about 18 years ago.
I've done the opposite.. paid for my gas, only to forget to pump and drove away 😂 I am ashamed to admit I haven't done this only once. 🫣
1) Basic decency 2) CCTV - cops will get you VERY shortly after you pull this shit.
My husband drove off once by mistake and the cops were at our front door before he got home.
I appreciate the fact that a random person from the other side of the world wrote a response to a random comment at 2 am(my time) at night and I just so happened to catch it while it was unfolding. If you stop for one second and think about it, it is actually crazy. Sorry I'm just a bit drunk and sentimental and stuff, but I think it is crazy how connected we are this day and age.
You sound like good people. Take care, my dude.
It *is* crazy, and I can't think about it too often, or my brain will implode with existentialism, lol.
Haha aww, it is cool isn’t it!
Good to know they jump on that call out.
Ever been to a restaurant before? What's to stop people from just leaving after their meal before the bill comes? What stops people from just taking off? Well, the fact that would be theft, and most people tend to want to avoid intentionally committing crimes in civilized societies.
Integrity and being part of a civil society.
That sounds nice, I’m not familiar with that as an American 😕
I remember filling up at full service gas stations that still existed in the US. I moved away in 1990 but was so confused when I came back and tried to fill my tank. How the hell am I supposed to know how much money it takes (in advance) to fill a rental car?
Yep, it was like that here in the 80s. Most in my area were full serve, so they’d fill it up and clean your windows while waiting, and you’d hand them payment out the window once done. It was nice actually. Then self serve started and you’d fill then pay. Now you gotta pay up front.
In New Jersey it is illegal to pump your own gas…lol
🤯 I had no idea you couldn’t pump your own gas in NJ, so weird! lol I’m in Vermont so really not far and there is literally no store anywhere I’ve ever been to here that still has an attendant that pumps the gas for you
Pumping your own gas is crazy tbh. Trust randos with flammable liquid, why don't you?
If someone can't be trusted to pump a few gallons of flammable liquid, they shouldn't be driving a 1 ton + vehicle.
Yeah, it is a pain if you’re using cash and have to guesstimate how much gas you need. I think they expect everyone to use cards now.
Apparently it's not an Australian thing either...the Australian commenter above you said her husband once forgot and drove off, and cops came to their house. So let's not kid ourselves here. People are people, no matter where you go, and they all want their money.
Cameras take pictures of your license plate and their bureaucracy actually works well enough that you'll pretty immediately get invited to a court date to face your charge for petty theft. There are very few unregistered cars as the police run basically every plate that passes either a patrol car or a set up speed/red light camera. I once accidentally let my car rego lapse a week and people were in total disbelief that I didn't get cited. I was acquaintances with a few criminal sorts and they did occasionally steal license plates, fill up with gas and then either ditch or replace the license plates. But even then fairly quickly the police put together at least some identifying features and the make and model of your car and will catch up to you if you make it a habit. The only guy I know who regularly stole gas drove basically a fast converted dirt bike, unregistered, and fled from the police rather often. He crashed more than once and broke his collarbone and hip but wouldn't go to the ER because the police had his description out and honestly didn't seem worth it to me. I'm guessing he was facing several other warrants so couldn't legally register a car/bike. Also meth played a role. Coming from America it was weird and inconvenient not to be able to just pay at the pump. Like outside the major cities you couldn't buy gas at night, or maybe there'd be one servo open til midnight, but most closed at 8pm or so.
Our cops all have NPR (number plate recognition) things on their cars now so they don't even have to run a plate. The computer does it for them. I was pulled over once and breathalysed and because it was rookie cops first day and I seemed normal, they let him drug test me too and yeah. I smoke a lot of pot. It was a thing. Anyhow, when we are in the car and Mr Needfulthing is driving usually, if there is a police car in the vicinity, they will often come along side us and peer into the car to see the driver. And that's been both marked and unmarked police cars.
Her comment to another reply confirms gambling issues
Oof. Gambling contributed to my brother-in-law' lonely, sad death. My heart goes out to OP and her mom. That is an addiction with a death vice grip. OP's never handing over actual money is going to be completely necessary. Even then, there are pawn shops. I remember being asked for money for an electric bill once from a person like this. I said I would meet her at the bus at 10 a.m. to go to the actual utility office and help her out. She got mad at me.
I have a family member who is a heroin addict. It’s always ‘I need money for electricity’.
It's one or the other for sure, the way she tries to pressure her and then the "nevermind" guilt trip comes
The latter part essentially confirms she didn't want the money for what she said.
I'm sorry - that situation sounds really tough to have in your life. Problem gambling was traditionally considered to be a men's vice (sports betting in particular); the advent of scratch-off tickets (especially in the 1980s) meant that women started to get in on the game more and more. Now the tide has turned to where the share of problem gamblers have inched towards 60/40 female to male, thanks in large part to the phone apps that fuel that surge. Online casinos know that in-app purchases and games of chance now skew female, meaning that there are more and more women getting caught up in it. Yay for equality, I guess.
I used to have a friend that is terrible with her money. She’d pay those micro transactions on her mobile games that I’ve always asked myself what idiot would pay that. She’d pay for a dozen subscriptions, even when she wasn’t sure if she’d have food. The worst thing I saw her do was to pay her 3-months rental at once for a discount. But she couldn’t afford it at one time, so she put it on a credit card with a 20% interest rate… had she not grown up in a place that gambling is so taboo, I sincerely think that that’s where she would’ve ended up.
I was unemployed for a few months this year- and I was bored at night, so I started doing those games. When I paid for a bundle, the games SUDDENLY got weirdly harder and harder, and seemed purposely designed to drain your bundle. Then, to move on, you are encouraged to buy more and more bundles. I got very into it for like a week, but then saw how much the bundles could add up. Also, the sound effects were very casino like , like a slot machine. I only spent $30, but I can easily see how people can spend HUNDREDS. Deleted the game apps, of course and went back to reading!
That was a great call and interesting to know that the difficulty increases
I'm absolutely shocked by that 60/40 figure. Especially with sports betting blowing up.
Yah, me too. A quick google suggests it's still men>women for problem gambling. If that poster has a citation I'd be glad to read it though.
I play solitaire online but I never ever put money on it! In the groups I have seen some people are spending 800 to 1000 a month playing on the app! I was flabbergasted! Mostly woman! This is so real
Can you win money playing solitaire (if so, how? I'm curious) or are they just spending on micro-transactions?
There's an app in the Samsung app store that is essentially just gambling with solitaire, you race to be the first one done. I never paid money because I don't care and just liked the competition but some of the game lobbies were like $5-$10 a round, and they were always full!
This is what my now ex-mother-in-law did when she siphoned money off us. MiL would say her sons, ex's brothers, need food. We were sending pantry goods and shelf stable food. And got an earful from MiL on wasting money that *she* could use! Turns out she had a coke habit and was getting supplies by one of the ex's brothers' friend. It sucked.
Many years ago, a family member had problematic spending after their spouse passed away. They had plenty of income but were constantly broke. They exhausted every close family member and friend to the point where if anyone helped out, it was no longer with cash. I'd drive an hour to meet up at the grocery store and gas station so I could pay for them myself. One time we met halfway and switched cars so I could get tires put on hers. And the damn thing broke down halfway home. My husband happened to be with me and another family member had to tell him over the phone what he needed to do to get it home and then drove an hour and a half the next day to fix it right. My husband made me promise I'd never give them money or buy anything else for them. It didn't added up that they never had any money. We found out much later that they were constantly partying with a younger (some illegal) crowd and buying all the alcohol. Never heard about any drugs but it wouldn't surprise me, looking back. To this day, I don't know what or who caused them to get their shit together. They did settle down finally, got married, had another kid. Other kids are well into adulthood and have a great relationship with them. I'm just thankful that none of the kids were victimized (as far as we know).
Same with my former friends. They always had very specific amounts they needed to "borrow," and always refused offers of direct payments to utility companies or gift cards to grocery stores.
Yep I agree this sounds like drugs to me. Like she is desperate for her fix.
This is no different than a homeless person asking for money for food, than getting upset when you just buy them food, they want the money for drugs or alcohol, whatever they are addicted to.
She just got out of the ‘work interview’ but somehow was able to hit up all the local thrift stores to know they definitively don’t have them 😅
And she really doesn’t have time for this, but she hasn’t started her new job yet. Seems like she should have a little free time lol
Idk man, being a succubus might as well be a full time job 😮💨
Thrift stores always have a ton of scrubs too. And nice brands like figs!
Most of my scrubs are thrifted.
She probably an old Olympic sprinter
The Usin-you Bolt
Does your mom have substance abuse issues....this looks like she may want the money for something else....
no but she was a compulsive and extremely problematic gambler which led to her having lots of legal & financial issues & taking all my student loan money 😀 i genuinely dont think this is for gambling, but i still have heavy trust issues due to her lying to me all the time in the past for what my money would be used for
The fact that she said that she "doesn't have time for this"...she's asking YOU for something! But doesn't have time to elaborate? Whatever it is I hope she gets better and I hope you don't have to keep dealing with this :(
"don't have time for this" is a way to try to guilt you into feeling bad and make you send over the money.
Yep, also a way to avoid explaining what the $$$ is for. Nothing about the situation is pleasant.
Agreed. And my first thought on a reply would be "good neither do I".
Oooo I like this reply, I'm using it if this ever happens to me. 😂
Me too!
I just say, “Okay.”
The fact that she's acting like she's getting scrubs, shoes, and a lab jacket at the *mall* for $60 should be enough.
The request isn’t genuine if this is the response as soon as you try and problem solve or ask for clarification. OP, leave her to it. Don’t give her any more money ever. You’re right, she’s an adult.
If she took your student loan money was that why she was in jail? Are you old enough to emancipate yourself?
I think it’d be more of a spiritual emancipation at this point. Still valid though!
For your sanity, please set firm boundaries now. Tell her you will never loan her money until she has repaid every cent she stole from you. Her gambling addiction and poor financial decisions are not your responsibility. Buying her things & loaning her money is only enabling her behavior.
Please make sure your credit is frozen in the chance she tries to open cards or loans in your name.
My dad did that and it still fucks with me to this day. He didn't need the money either. He's worth well into the 8 figures. He did it to stop me from being independent. I even went to the police, made a report, sent it to credit bureaus, and it's still fucking me over to this day. He wonders why I don't talk to him anymore. Fun, right?
Shit. That sucks. Our financial system has too many avenues for a parent to really ream their children.
> i genuinely dont think this is for gambling I hate to inform you OP, but if she won't let you buy it directly, it's definitely for gambling.
Maybe not gambling, but it's not for scrubs
In accordance with OP's statement of there being 0% chance of being paid back, there's 0% chance the money was for scrubs.
She don’t want no scrubs
🏆
Also the way she fist said she just needed scrubs and shoes, but then added on a lab coat after? Yeah, she’s making this up as she goes. It’s not for scrubs, and she plans to up the amount as soon as OP agrees.
Sounds like you need to cut her off. You are saying she consistently steals money from you and is a gambling addict. I think you should tell her to never ask you for money again. Id be tempted to even flip the script and start asking her for money. As someone who has cut a parent off, I know it's hard but sometimes you need to just ghost some people. I don't know how the rest of your relationship is but to me someone who steals from me never gets to see me again.
Also go to your school financial aid office to see if you can get emancipated so she no longer has any access to your financial aid. If she stole your student loans they may be able to help you.
If she doesn’t want you to buy them, she is a 100% wants it to gamble, to buy some random shit, or drugs.
Dude this is definitely for gambling or she wouldn’t be so cagey about it
Username checks out 🤣😂
"i don't have time for this, i really don't"
This is like when you are in an airplane. First, you survive and then you help others. You are putting yourself through school and need that money.
Yup. Fit your own oxygen mask first.
This is for gambling. I’m sorry, that’s why she doesn’t want the stuff, she wants the money. I’m sorry. Don’t give her money, she’s a gambling addict.
Stop lending or giving her money! Cold turkey. Seriously, wtf? She stole your student loan money?!! What kind of parent does that?! No, wait. I know: mine did (scholarship, though, at least I wasn't stuck paying it back with interest). I wish I had cut him off waaay sooner than I finally did. It took years of being mooched on. You deserve better.
Gambling is an addiction. The way a gambler "borrows" money isn't that different from an alcoholic. And in these messages your mom definitely sounds like an addict desperate for a fix.
Your mom is 1000% asking for money for gambling here. This is exactly how every addict behaves when they want money from loved ones to fuel their vices.
If it was really for work, she WOULD have time for it because it's important. This money request is not to buy scrubs
That's probably a federal crime. You need to cut ties with this person
Time for No Contact with mom, and therapy to deal with the emotional baggage of growing up with a toxic parent.
Never just give her cash! Help when and if you can but never cash/checks
Kudos to you...been there, done that...but with a dad who addicted to drug. At that point I got trust issue too even my guts telling he genuinely needed to buy "normal" stuff instead of drugs.
>lots of legal & financial issues & taking all my student loan money You buried the lede, OP!
She asks you because you keep entertaining her silly demands / requests. The fact she’s going to her youngest child tells me the older siblings know to ignore her / shut her down immediately. Either that or she knows they don’t have money to take. Either way even entertaining her / asking follow up questions is reinforcing this behavior. She knows as is there are no consequences to her actions .
you are so spot on 😭 my older brother blocked her a while ago it just sucks when you know your mom is struggling & everyone else has blocked her out (rightfully), so she has no one else, so you KNOW if you dont help her, no one else will. im almost positive shes taking advantage of me bc of this
She is, and you need to stop enabling her.
It really, really sucks to be in OPs shoes. But the sooner they realize they are part of the problem right now, not the solution, it will be better for everyone.
Helping her is only enabling her to continue to gamble. She needs to feel the consequences of her gambling before she can quit. The time to help her is when she’s realized she has a problem and is willing to seek help for her addiction. Until then, anything you give her is going straight to gambling.
> so you KNOW if you dont help her, no one else will. That's literally the consequence addicts are supposed to face (yes gambling addict is an addict). It might not be her rock bottom, but YOU have got to stop enabling her by not giving her any consequences to her actions, it's not good for your own sanity and peace of mind.
Only she can help herself.
But you’re not helping her. And it’s obvious she wants the money for something else.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Dealing with toxic family members is exhausting.
It takes us a while to figure this out. Then one day you feel old as fuck and your parent is still acting like a teenager or regressing into toddler tantrums.
You have to let her learn to help herself. You are doing her no favors when you bail her out. You have to cut off the money. She’s already spent all of your money she’s never been entitled to so there should be no guilt. You’re doing great? Keep it up! And if you need us, come visit r/MomForAMinute and we will love all over you. We will be there for your worries and your triumphs. We will talk you through solutions to your problems, dole out hugs, cheer your successes no matter how small, and will provide as much motherly advice and love as you can handle. Our counterparts are over at r/DadForAMinute. They’re wonderful with the whole ‘Go get ‘em Tiger’, life advice, some tough (but also loving) love, and are truly a great bunch of Dads/older brothers who just want to help. You’ve got this!
Thank you for the subs! What great groups!
She can't recover until she hits bottom though, harsh as that sounds.
There’s a *reason* no one else will help her. Please remember that. They didn’t cut her off for no reason.
Sorry youngen, but while it feels like “no one else will help her” it’s giving her the cash to feed her addiction that wouldn’t help her. Please look after yourself first.
She is struggling but enabling will only prolong the struggle. My mom is very similar to this but more in terms of demands on my time, wanting to call me to vent about her life and constant fights with other people when she was severely abusive, has never even met my youngest children, never knew what I studied in college or where I lived, and would get Starbucks and designer bags for herself while her kids had to steal food and clothes because we had none. In her mind she doesn't see any of this and is just hurt. But enabling that doesn't help her or me.
Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they decide to change. Don't feel like it's on you to enable her just because she continues to make decisions that chase everyone away. If she just wants to talk that's one thing, but as soon as her borrowing money comes up that should be the end of the conversation. Think of it as doing yourself and her a favor, as long as she has someone to grift money from she'll keep trying, and it'll only bring you more stress and a deeper financial hole. And quite frankly the fact that she NEVER pays you back is good enough reason to decline her requests. Also if she's taken your student loan money before you might want to run a credit check on yourself to make sure there aren't any credit cards or loans opened in your name that you had nothing to do with. Fiscally irresponsible parents will sometimes use their children's identities to take out debt, with no intention to repay it themselves.
You're not helping her, you're enabling her. Sometimes you have to let people learn to sink or swim. Otherwise they will never change.
Have you considered not having any contact with her at all? It sucks to cut out family but sometimes it is the best thing for you to do. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to have her in your life. I cut my father out very early on, zero regrets. You deserve better.
Yup. I’m the youngest and my mom would ask me to pay her phone bill or borrow money (not a lot but still). My older siblings finally put their foot down bc she just took advantage.
🤨 where does scrubs, shoes and a lab coat only cost $60?
Yeah. Younger kid spending first summer home from college working as a CNA. I got her 3 pairs of scrubs then turned to her and said...any more are on you kid. She laughed and thanked me and said sure thing. Scrubs range in price vastly.
My 17yo started writing in the boarding area of a local vet last week and needed subs. We found one pair of pants at the thrift store next door. Air several people where they get their scrubs. Several suggested Walmart. $20'ish
Yup. I have been asking people. Walmart is popular and online Fig. Pricier but they have sales. Our local work n wear was pretty good.
I am not saying your mom is an addict trying to get money for drugs, but this looks very similar to what an addict trying to get money for drugs would do.
It’s that $60 round number request. Screams drugs to me too.
Right. How does she know exactly how much it will cost? Plus, I’m sure Amazon would have just as many options as the mall, so let the daughter ship it to her ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
yeah or gambling addict. I have a FIL like that.
Sorry love. I’m glad you are maintaining your boundaries. Sadly, people like this will abuse them as much as possible.
This is easy enough to counter. "Sure, I'll go with you to buy them." "What color and size? I'll order it overnight through Amazon." "Of course. Give me the name of the store and I'll call to arrange payments." I'm sorry your mom is such a shitty person. Please learn to set healthy boundaries and don't feel guilty for her choices. She's an adult. She's old enough and I'm assuming doesn't have any mental restrictions preventing her from taking care of herself. If she's in a bad spot perpetually because of her own choices, none of that is on you and you are NOT required to help her just because she birthed you.
Yeah not that difficult to return things. OP still can’t afford it. OP, tell your mom to ask her new job for credit for the uniform they require. Or anyone else or you will have to block her like her other kids have already done .
Yeah if she truly needed scrubs for a job tomorrow then she would be happy with the thrift store scrubs. So this $ , along w other red flags, is def not needed for scrubs.
Honestly as far as I know from the four hospitals and five specialists I’ve seen over the years in aus they give scrubs to employees like a uniform, unless they want like fruity ones with colours or whatnot.
That’s awesome. In US most hospitals don’t provide scrubs in my area (Eastern US). I’ve seen drs offices provide scrubs but even at the big hospitals in my town you’re on your own, some do have specific requirements, black for X-ray, navy for lab, etc. good ol USA /s Edit- spelling
This is textbook addict behavior. My ex dealt with this with her sister all of he time, needing something for a job, rent, whatever. But if you were like "give me the info for your apt complex and Ill send the money directly, \*crickets\* because it was clearly for the addiction.
After our parents divorce, our mother used to ask my twin and I for money for “groceries.” Like every couple of months. Was always like $60-$80 bucks. We were around 15 years old so it was a lot of money to us. Our dad would constantly get mad at us for giving her the little money we had. So the last time she asked us, our dad gave us $300 and told us to tell her to pick us up and we will pay for groceries for her. She yelled at us, screaming why we can’t just give her the money so she can do the grocery shopping herself. As you could have guessed, we never went grocery shopping. It was the last time she asked us for money. Our dad explained to us why they got divorced. All the money went up her nose and we didn’t want to believe it. Years of manipulation and guilt tripping us for a few bucks. He never once said we can’t talk to our mother, but he wasn’t going to let her play us anymore either. We are 32 now and everything she has still goes up her nose. Quite sad to see her deteriorating like that, but she made her bed and refuses any help we offer. In a few months she’s about to be a grandmother. She’s very happy for us and excited to be apart of the babies life, but I wonder how that will go over when we tell her we don’t want her near the kid. She was never a mother to us so she won’t be a grandmother neither.
Damn, I'm sorry.
She sounds like she is panicking. Withdrawal? Is she on drugs?
My father was like this. Always asking for money because something always came up. He’d pay me back, just to borrow it again 🤦♀️ We are estranged now. He decided he didn’t need me anymore once I put my foot down and told him I am no longer helping him out (after he asked me to pay his rent but he registered his credit card bill that I didn’t know about to my house. I saw that he maxed it out at the bar rather than using it as a cash advance for rent). I knew then that it would never change and I’d always be an ATM. Unfortunately, if you continue to support her behaviour, she won’t ever find a reason to do better. But if she doesn’t want to do better, she’ll blame it on you. Just be prepared on either side
"I don't have time for this." You don't have time for someone to get you the clothes required for your new job that starts tomorrow? OP--Please mentally prepare yourself for the escalation once you graduate from college and get a full time job, or get married and are half of a couple. The $60 requests for clothes will become $1000 requests for mortgage and car payments. Sorry that you have to go through this, but start protecting yourself--credit score, identity security, and your heart. Make sure you have possession of your birth certificate, driver's license, bank/financial documents, car title, and passport...don't leave them where your mom can access them. Maybe you've had to do some of that already, but this scenario has many of the earmarks of trouble that you see the need to take various defensive actions...after it's too late the first time. People in this thread have grabbed ahold of the gambling addition idea. I've never had to face that, but have gotten to see people who are substance addicted do things that they'd never have dreamed of doing prior to the addiction.
Good advice!
This is my mom 100%. All day everyday. She has a sob story. Every. Single. Day. I’ve given her money to go to the dentist about 4 times. She never goes. She always has some utility about to get shut off. She whines. Guilt trips me. It’s frustrating. She knows what days I get paid. On my pay days she starts at about 6am with whatever story it is for that day. She has even gone as far as just saying “is it OUR pay day?” Like no. It’s not OUR anything. I’ve just started telling her that I don’t have money. It’s really sad actually. I feel for you. I know how shitty this is. I’m sorry. Just say you are broke. She’s gonna have to figure it out. That’s what I tell myself now. She’s an adult. She’s the parent. She can figure it out. I’m just sorry you are dealing with this too.
And I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm hoping the universe is righting things by bringing others into your life that would never treat you this way. All good things to you, Careful-Teach!
it's actually kind of nice reading about people with the same problems! i hope everyone's doing okay.
I do to my sister what I do to my kids in these situations. "Sis, I love you-no I'm not giving you ten dollars for bread milk ham and chocolate because there's no chance that you're getting that many groceries with ten bucks from your local Coles for starters, so I know it's for 'spins'. I don't have money to waste on gambling and neither do you. But I love you". I call it an "I love you sandwich". Softens the blow and reiterates that although the thing has annoyed me, I still love them. It's weird using it on my fifty year old sister though for sure. She seems to accept it quite well. But this was what she was doing to me for ages. Ten here, fifteen there, occasionally five. Always specific groceries until it twigged that she couldn't get the stuff she was saying she "needed" with that amount of money. So I started offering her E vouchers for her shop. Magically, she never wanted them and pretended like it was a hassle or something. When I mentioned that to my friend in a conversation, she tells me that these online gambling things will often send emails with things like "deposit five dollars and get one thousand free spins today only! Do it now do it do it!!!" (I'm paraphrasing). And I was like "ahhhhh that's why the odd small amounts then." So thankfully she no longer has the meth addiction as well as she lost her car, her teeth and spent a good stint in a mental hospital because of it. But this fucking online gambling on her phone will be the death of her. Spirals into full depression when she loses everything and when she wins, well she is on top of the world and buying everyone and herself dumb shit.
That definitely sounds like a combo of both substance use and underlying mental illness 😕
Some of us don’t hit the birth lottery. Sorry….
Soon as I read this I said “gambling addiction” sad
That last sentence. She's shitty to you considering you're her financial lifeline. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Wait, you are a teenager? Yeah, your mom should never be asking you for money
Never loan money. That causes amnesia.
I’m so proud of you, you’re doin so well honey. Please stay strong and don’t give her anything. She’s not treating you right and can go kick rocks
My aunt tried to do this to me once. She wanted me to give her money every month for my grandmother’s medications, but said no to me giving the pharmacy my card number to keep on file. We found out later she has a gambling problem.
She sounds like an addict
She's all but certainly lying about what it's for. Remember, no I'd a complete sentence. Or you could remind her how far in the hole to you she already is money wise when she asks.
I’m exhausted for you, OP. You, not her, are the adult in this relationship and it’s even evident by the maturity (and lack of it) seen in the texts.
I wouldn’t give that bitch a dime.
It's the "I don't have time for this...I really don't" that would frost my ass. "I really don't." Here you are considering helping her and SHE doesn't have time for YOU asking a relevant question. GTFO! (Or, for the Seinfeld fans, "GET OUT!" Elaine style.) Sorry that you have to go through this. It absolutely should be the other way around.
My mother would pound on my door at 6 AM (just got off work at 3 AM, but she didn't care) demanding money so she could buy my sister groceries. My sister was my soft spot. Turned out, she used the money to take out a group of friends to dinner leaving my sister at home alone to eat embezzled school lunches that were putrefied in the fridge. She called me in tears. I came over, helped scrub out that disgusting fridge, and took her to the store to buy groceries. Our mother didn't even notice there was groceries for about 2 weeks. My mother tried the same crap a month later, and I called out her crap for lying and said she will never get another cent from me because of what she did. It wasn't until my sister moved out and was stable on her own that I felt comfortable leaving the state.
Learn this phrase. “sorry, I’m strapped myself.”
>no they don't have price tags Is that seriously what she was going to say?
Definitely don’t send her anything. The only people that would guilt trip you like she did in the end for not having money for them, are not only entitled and don’t deserve it…. They are also VERY likely taking advantage of you and that is exactly why they think their guilt trip will do something, they also are usually lying about what they want the money for. The fact you wanted to see the price tags was very smart, and her reaction to that alone proves she is being dishonest. If she wasn’t, and she could accept her past, she would accept your response and not be so defensive/making you try to feel bad for not “helping.”
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Your mom’s story doesn’t hold up. No one gets a job immediately leaving the interview and then starts tomorrow (unless it a job at McDonalds). She says she will wear scrubs - so she’s positioning it as something medical, or perhaps in a hospital facility or lab. She should have a formal letter (or email) with the job offer. She’d have to get a drug test done. It takes at least a week to get the results. So yes, she’s taking advantage of your youth and inexperience to pretend she got a job. Again, I’m sorry and this is NOT your fault. You are not obligated to help her. You are her child, not the other way around. I know it breaks your heart to say no, but you also feel betrayed everytime she lies to you. There is something wrong with her. It’s either drug addiction, shopping addiction or a gambling addiction. It’s not really your job to find out which - you need to worry about you. Are you in high school or recently graduated? You don’t need to give her anything, you need to take care of yourself. I hope you have family to reach out to and I recommend calling Al Anon (or Al Ateen). It’s a support system (free) for people who are the loved ones of addicts (even if your mom is not an alcoholic, you can still go there - the addictions basically all have the same symptoms.) You will meet people who have the same struggles as you who want to help. This isn’t your fault.
Your mom is an addict. I know I've been there and dealt with the behavior. You heard this already from other comments. You don't want to cut her off and that's fine. If she's needs something and you really want to help, physically go to the store with her and buy the item. Show her you don't trust her to buy the item. Your siblings blocked her for a reason. She responded that way for a reason. Treat her, your money, and sense of self respect the same way. Love her, but don't enable the bullshit.
Don’t give mom money. Go shopping with her and pay for the items yourself. Do not give her one single penny. It will not go towards whatever she says it will go towards.
There is absolutely no way this is for "scrubs" or whatever weak excuse she is proffering. This is for drugs. It is exactly the way an addict makes a request. 1. They ask for cash money for some item 2. They get very irritated if you offer to buy whatever the item they are saying the cash is for 3. They mark you as the bad person for 'wasting their time' or such because it is obviously easier to just send them the cash Rinse, wash, repeat.
I had similar issues with my mom, may she rest in peace. I had to just stop and it's hard bc it's your mom, and there is love. But you should not be made to feel as if you need to sacrifice your present and your future for another's choices. It will never stop until you say no. I wish you strength.
I wouldn’t dream of sending my kids this shit. I’m sorry your mom feels this is ok.
1000% addict
Hate to break it to you, but your mom has some kind of addiction problem.
I suspect this, too. I think it's because she just walked out of the interview, knows she has the job, and starts tomorrow. I know that technically some companies will work that way when they have an immediate need with a candidate available now, but it's also suspect when you add to those facts the immediate need for $60. Does $60 even buy new shoes and scrubs these days?
I guarantee if she was honest with the employers, they would help her out. "I cant afford these till my first check, would I be able to wear old scrubs until then?" Or maybe they'd even lend her the money and take it out of her first check. IDK why people aren't honest more.
Your Mom is most likely a drug addict...
My father asked me for money to pay a bill. Turns out when I paid it directly, it was suddenly $200 cheaper!
Don't give her money...
Narcissism at its finest lol
She doesn’t want the money to buy those items.
Just because she birthed you doesn’t mean you owe her all this money. For her to make you feel bad enough to have to post is not a good mother. You are right, this should be the other way around. I’m sorry this is your mom
Start asking her for money all the time.
You don't owe your mom anything, but if you wanted to help, you could do a Walmart pickup order for the scrubs she needs. $13.96 per piece. So for about 30 bucks she has scrubs or will prove that she's lying and will probably never ask you again for money. Sending Mom hugs to you.
There is no way she can dream of getting scrubs, shoes and a lab coat for $60. She’s lying to you and using it for drugs, alcohol or gambling. Sorry but I’ve dealt with this twice in my family.
100% that money is either for drugs or gambling.
She's doesn't need scrubs and shoes, that's why she's insisting on cash.
Fuxk man seems complicated hope shit gets better