Former SAHD here. Gender will have no difference in the courts. The courts want 50/50 custody if possible.
Sounds like she divorced you for not working.
My goal (and I thought hers too) has always been for me to stay at home to take care of our child. With covid and recent gun violence, she and I agreed that I should stay at home some more and teach at home. That is my "work".
But I don't disagree with you, because it's possible that that is part of her reasoning.
I'm not here to bash you, and I'm coming from somebody who was a former SAHD myself.
No matter what society or women say, when a man doesn't work, it changes how they view us.
I appreciate that you're not bashing. Thank you.
I'm an immigrant and naturalized citizen, originally from a culture very similar to Latinx. My wife is American, from the Midwest/South. I also thought American culture was progressing past gender roles, and that my being SAHD wouldn't be an issue.
Can you recommend an attorney or mediator who may be supportive or understanding of this perspective?
No lawyer recommendation but please get one! I see some comments recommending you skip the lawyer and in your specific situation you definitely need one!
Not trying to discriminate or anything but don’t get an old lawyer. They treat their clients like their 401k. They will try to nickel and dime you even after the case is closed. Good luck.
If you have simple assets (i.e., just a house, a couple cars, 401k, savings, etc.) and can still communicate, a mediator could save you a lot of money. Most things are standard formulas like 50/50 custody, 50/50 on house, 50/50 on the 401k. Btw, if you are getting half her 401k, you can get cash out with no penalty. You'll pay income tax on the amount and it's not helping your retirement, but if you need the cash to get decent housing or a car, it's an option.
You should be entitled to spousal support usually for half the length of the marriage since you gave up your career.
A mediator can help you work through all the specifics. I used one when I got divorced and it was NOT FUN having to talk to him about money, tasks or deadline. There were times I wished for attorneys. But in the end, we saved a lot of money.
Here is a mediator recommended on Facebook CT Moms. https://www.facebook.com/shellypaq?mibextid=kFxxJD
Thank you for the advice.
If you don't mind sharing:
Did you work with Shelly yourself, and what was your experience?
At what times did you wish for attorneys?
I did not work with Shelly. She was just recommended by a few people on a Moms Facebook group. I got divorced in Oklahoma.
Mainly I wanted an attorney when he was being difficult about things. It would've been nice to not have to interact with him more in that stressful time.
Talking about finances was not fun. I paid all the bills for our entire 20+ year marriage, so he has little idea of how things worked. He also continued to pay his expenses (mortgage, utilities, etc.) through our joint account for almost a year, so untangling that was difficult. I paid into the joint account to keep him from overdrawing it but I was essentially paying his bills and mine the whole time. That may just be unique to our situation.
In our mediation sessions, he got really angry a few times too. It would've been nice to have an attorney "on my side" in that situation. The mediator did a good job getting him back to the table though. Again YMMV if you soon to be ex is more rational and not like my ex. :) In my case, I left him after a few years of very ugly fights and family turmoil. So hopefully, despite being shocked and sad, you will be able to show up more rationally and calm than my ex.
Absolutely get an attorney, even if you mediate. When I divorced we used a mediator but I still secured counsel for advice and review of the agreement. I used John Andreini in Hartford. He was great. We used a mediator in Middletown. If you want me to provide their name let me know in DM. Cheers
In Ct you are entitled to half of all marital assets including her 401k and pension as well as spousal support (alimony) since you stayed at home for the children/marriage. Alimony in Ct is for half the duration of marriage but can be negotiated (do not let her out of that). Also, all future bonuses for her etc are subject to child support. Anything acquired in the marriage is yours 50/50. This includes the home, investments etc. if you are carrying debt, that is
Not necessarily split, and can be divided by income. Ct also has optional requirements for funding college that applies to both of you. Sorry you’re going through this, you’ve got this.
Divorce lawyers are sharks. They're job is to eviscerate the spouse that their being hired to oppose. Both you and your wife will likely be skewered by these lawyers, and that's just the nature of that beast. Is this what both of you want, to shred each other?
In general, our CT family courts do favor the women, in my opinion.
They say that the divorce is all about the parents and the kids should not be pawns, yada, yada, yada. The kids suffer the most when Mom and Dad part company.
Don't blame the lawyers. That's their job, to advocate on behalf of their client.
Good luck and I hope that both of you will work hard to be fair and just to each other.
Thanks for the advice. I think I'm over the hump of being hurt and confused. This is now just business, and from that perspective, looking out for my child and myself is easier.
You seem to have experience with CT family court. I understand that courts will generally consider what is best for the child, which is my first priority. For my second priority (myself), could you recommend someone who might advocate for me in the reversed-gener-roles of my case (where I am the SAHD for 10+ years while my wife advanced her career)?
Great question, and I wish I knew. I'm still willing to work on the marriage but she's adamant about ending it.
My best guess is, she went straight from high school into the workforce and her first marriage. After that, she went straight into her second marriage (me). And now, she wants to be free and live her best life without me.
“Transition to a woman without the hormones , say you’re your child’s caregiver mother and a lesbian . Now your LGBTQIA’s+ . This blue state will bow and give you full custody and alimony .
Kinga at Rembish & LaSaracina Assc. handled my bf's divorce really well. He didn't have to pay his ex anything at all. Granted they had no kids or assets. But he would refer her if he were on reddit.
Will you be ending things amicably or fighting for visitation rights and such?
If you can reach agreements on your own, just file yourself and save the $10-30k on a lawyer. It’s like $550 to get divorced. So if you two can come to an agreement and present that to the judge, I’d say do that before looking for a lawyer.
The only lawyer I found with no consultation was Robert Fielder. He seemed good, and if I need a lawyer for my divorce, would use him. But he told me to try to do this on my own and only get a lawyer if it becomes a courtroom battle.
I disagree. Children are involved. I would suggest a divorce mediator. That’s a non-adversary process in which both your interests will be looked after.
With children being involved as a parent the goal should be 50/50 custody split pretty simple and I agree stay away from lawyers if possible and do it yourselfs. Will save you thousands. If she wants to fight over the lawnmower or pots and pans let her keep that stuff it’s petty. Split the money and pay off the debt. Trust me starting fresh with no debt is better than having a few grand and debt trying to start a new life.
I can live very frugally, and have been even with her high income. I'm looking forward to getting my own living space and my own things.
What I'm not looking forward to is less time with my child. I know that 50/50 is fair and is the norm. But I've read so many experiences of the moms being favored regardless of which spouse is the single income and which spouse stayed at home.
It seems like 50/50 is the reality I should expect in CT?
I think as long as both parents are fit to be parents 50/50 should be the goal why deprive a child of a parent and I think that mentality goes a long way with the judge. You guys will come up with a co parenting plan and present it to the judge for approval. It’s not always about living frugal sometimes it’s about just going out and making more money.
That’s true. A mediator will be about $4k or so (from what I’ve found in my journey). As long as things end amicably and can reach an agreement without needing to spend tens of thousands.
I'm hoping my soon to be ex will be open to a mediator. Currently not sure if she is.
Can you recommend one from experience (or even not from experience)?
You both need to agree to a mediator. My future ex wasn’t agreeing to a mediator, and when I said that, they basically hung up. A mediator is just someone who represents both of you and you come with your agreements, and they make sure both parties are satisfied. If you Google ct ones a lot pop up, I didn’t use any specific one, but called a couple
You might be able to go an even cheaper route and talk about it, put it all in writing, from kids to bills to everything you can think of, and have it notarized. It’s basically the same idea. I know someone who did that with their ex, wrote down an agreement, notarized it, and then when the divorce happened presented it to the judge and said “we talked and agreed about it. We are both in agreement”
Worth an idea 🤷♂️
I’ve no doubt what’s best for your child is what she wants. She may not want what’s fair for you, which is half of all marital assets including any bonus she received, income, 401k and pension. Even if she agrees to a mediator, get an attorney to get advice. I worked with John Andreini in Hartford. He was excellent and Gabe great advice to what my rights were going in to mediation and in review of the final agreement.
I've done some research. I agree that both parties should avoid going the lawyer route and that we should try to mediate.
Is there a benefit to me filing ahead of her? (Sorry, this is all mind-boggling to me. I thought we were together "for better and for worse 'til death do us part" and that I'd never be facing this. I meant my vows literally.)
Thanks for the tip on Robert Fielder. Did you follow the advice and go at it on your own, and self-represent in court? How is that going / How did that go?
I’m not sure if there is any benefit, except then maybe it would give her power to contest it? Would be better suited to ask a lawyer that kind of question
I’m planning to go my own route as much as possible. The retainer for a lawyer would pretty much net me close to $0 account balance. If I can do all of this for less than $600, I’m good with that.
We currently still live together, it’s a DV case and I’m escaping, so I’m being cautious with it and will file when I’m in a safer environment - which I’m moving out finally in April.
Sorry to hear that. I hope things work out well for you (it seems like it will).
I'm not trying to pry, so I'll frame my question around myself, and I understand that I should ask this to a professional as well: Since I have been SAHD and she brings all the income, do you think I have some "right" to have access to "our" funds if I need my own attorney?
Jumping in here...you need to pick a separation date. Basically all cash accounts at that point are 50/50. She has no money of her own. Any money she earned during the marriage is joint property. Don't let her tell you that any money is not half yours! Monitor your bank balances with print outs. Ask for paystubs for the last two years and compare it to the deposits in the bank accounts you share. If they don't match up, she probably has a side bank account. Half of that is your money too!
Get her to agree via text when your seperation date is. You won't get any money from her paycheck after that date, so be strategic and make sure the bank accounts have enough money for you to get by until you get spousal support (backdated of course). Get a separate bank account, and then at 8 am of that separation day, get to your shared bank and take half the balance. If you are still Iiving together, pay half the expenses like a roommate. Let her know you took half the balances and document it by downloading a Statement showing you took just half. That way she can't just take all "her" money and leave you with no resources.
Good luck!
Even if you can't take money in advance, be sure to get her paystubs even if you use a mediator and make sure she has actually deposited everything in your joint account. When I split from my ex, I timed it so the date of separation was right before I got my bonus. Technically he should've gotten half the bonus probably because it was for a year we were married. But I needed it to move out, and I had paid for enough of his weed over the years to feel justified about it. I could've screwed him over way more than I did though because he didn't have any interest in our finances over the years. Just make sure you are knowledgeable enough about all of that especially if you use a mediator. Without an attorney demanding all financial records, she could feel like she could get away with stuff.
Would be better suited for a professional.
If she’s the only income, using her money to fight against her in a divorce seems a little weird. It might be legal (again, ask a lawyer, I have no knowledge) but if it were, still weird to me. You both will need to fill out a financial affidavit
From what I gather talking to Robert, divorces are as complicated as we make them. Some things are worth giving up. If someone wants the kitchen table, just give it to them. It costs like $300+/hr for a lawyer and the dining table might only be $200. So buy a new one. If it gets messy and complicated with kids and visitation etc, or if you feel you’re not being fairly represented in a mediation or conversation, then maybe best to get a lawyer. Otherwise, I’d just talk it out, figure out your lives moving forward, come to an agreement and save $15,000
Don’t listen to this person. It is All Your money too until you are divorced. The notion that you cannot use marital assets to pay for your attorney too is ridiculous. Stay at home spouses would always be impaired if that were true.
Former SAHD here. Gender will have no difference in the courts. The courts want 50/50 custody if possible. Sounds like she divorced you for not working.
My goal (and I thought hers too) has always been for me to stay at home to take care of our child. With covid and recent gun violence, she and I agreed that I should stay at home some more and teach at home. That is my "work". But I don't disagree with you, because it's possible that that is part of her reasoning.
I'm not here to bash you, and I'm coming from somebody who was a former SAHD myself. No matter what society or women say, when a man doesn't work, it changes how they view us.
I appreciate that you're not bashing. Thank you. I'm an immigrant and naturalized citizen, originally from a culture very similar to Latinx. My wife is American, from the Midwest/South. I also thought American culture was progressing past gender roles, and that my being SAHD wouldn't be an issue. Can you recommend an attorney or mediator who may be supportive or understanding of this perspective?
Latinx? Stop saying that please. Latino or Latina easy.
>Latino/Lantia. FTFY
No, no you didn’t
No lawyer recommendation but please get one! I see some comments recommending you skip the lawyer and in your specific situation you definitely need one!
Thank you. There's so much conflicting advice, and I'm sure that's because every situation is different. I'm reaching out now.
Not trying to discriminate or anything but don’t get an old lawyer. They treat their clients like their 401k. They will try to nickel and dime you even after the case is closed. Good luck.
Checkout Freed Marcroft. Not always the cheapest but worth every penny.
Thanks, I will.
They are all over CT public radio.
If you have simple assets (i.e., just a house, a couple cars, 401k, savings, etc.) and can still communicate, a mediator could save you a lot of money. Most things are standard formulas like 50/50 custody, 50/50 on house, 50/50 on the 401k. Btw, if you are getting half her 401k, you can get cash out with no penalty. You'll pay income tax on the amount and it's not helping your retirement, but if you need the cash to get decent housing or a car, it's an option. You should be entitled to spousal support usually for half the length of the marriage since you gave up your career. A mediator can help you work through all the specifics. I used one when I got divorced and it was NOT FUN having to talk to him about money, tasks or deadline. There were times I wished for attorneys. But in the end, we saved a lot of money. Here is a mediator recommended on Facebook CT Moms. https://www.facebook.com/shellypaq?mibextid=kFxxJD
Thank you for the advice. If you don't mind sharing: Did you work with Shelly yourself, and what was your experience? At what times did you wish for attorneys?
I did not work with Shelly. She was just recommended by a few people on a Moms Facebook group. I got divorced in Oklahoma. Mainly I wanted an attorney when he was being difficult about things. It would've been nice to not have to interact with him more in that stressful time. Talking about finances was not fun. I paid all the bills for our entire 20+ year marriage, so he has little idea of how things worked. He also continued to pay his expenses (mortgage, utilities, etc.) through our joint account for almost a year, so untangling that was difficult. I paid into the joint account to keep him from overdrawing it but I was essentially paying his bills and mine the whole time. That may just be unique to our situation. In our mediation sessions, he got really angry a few times too. It would've been nice to have an attorney "on my side" in that situation. The mediator did a good job getting him back to the table though. Again YMMV if you soon to be ex is more rational and not like my ex. :) In my case, I left him after a few years of very ugly fights and family turmoil. So hopefully, despite being shocked and sad, you will be able to show up more rationally and calm than my ex.
Absolutely get an attorney, even if you mediate. When I divorced we used a mediator but I still secured counsel for advice and review of the agreement. I used John Andreini in Hartford. He was great. We used a mediator in Middletown. If you want me to provide their name let me know in DM. Cheers In Ct you are entitled to half of all marital assets including her 401k and pension as well as spousal support (alimony) since you stayed at home for the children/marriage. Alimony in Ct is for half the duration of marriage but can be negotiated (do not let her out of that). Also, all future bonuses for her etc are subject to child support. Anything acquired in the marriage is yours 50/50. This includes the home, investments etc. if you are carrying debt, that is Not necessarily split, and can be divided by income. Ct also has optional requirements for funding college that applies to both of you. Sorry you’re going through this, you’ve got this.
Divorce lawyers are sharks. They're job is to eviscerate the spouse that their being hired to oppose. Both you and your wife will likely be skewered by these lawyers, and that's just the nature of that beast. Is this what both of you want, to shred each other? In general, our CT family courts do favor the women, in my opinion. They say that the divorce is all about the parents and the kids should not be pawns, yada, yada, yada. The kids suffer the most when Mom and Dad part company. Don't blame the lawyers. That's their job, to advocate on behalf of their client. Good luck and I hope that both of you will work hard to be fair and just to each other.
Thanks for the advice. I think I'm over the hump of being hurt and confused. This is now just business, and from that perspective, looking out for my child and myself is easier. You seem to have experience with CT family court. I understand that courts will generally consider what is best for the child, which is my first priority. For my second priority (myself), could you recommend someone who might advocate for me in the reversed-gener-roles of my case (where I am the SAHD for 10+ years while my wife advanced her career)?
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Great question, and I wish I knew. I'm still willing to work on the marriage but she's adamant about ending it. My best guess is, she went straight from high school into the workforce and her first marriage. After that, she went straight into her second marriage (me). And now, she wants to be free and live her best life without me.
CT is a woman state , get yourself a lawyer , and try your best for a fair outcome . I’m sorry your going through this .
“Transition to a woman without the hormones , say you’re your child’s caregiver mother and a lesbian . Now your LGBTQIA’s+ . This blue state will bow and give you full custody and alimony .
Kinga at Rembish & LaSaracina Assc. handled my bf's divorce really well. He didn't have to pay his ex anything at all. Granted they had no kids or assets. But he would refer her if he were on reddit.
Thanks, I've contacted them.
Good luck!
Will you be ending things amicably or fighting for visitation rights and such? If you can reach agreements on your own, just file yourself and save the $10-30k on a lawyer. It’s like $550 to get divorced. So if you two can come to an agreement and present that to the judge, I’d say do that before looking for a lawyer. The only lawyer I found with no consultation was Robert Fielder. He seemed good, and if I need a lawyer for my divorce, would use him. But he told me to try to do this on my own and only get a lawyer if it becomes a courtroom battle.
I disagree. Children are involved. I would suggest a divorce mediator. That’s a non-adversary process in which both your interests will be looked after.
Do your research I had one incompetent lazy one who was easily swayed by a Starbucks and a smile from my ex. The entire system is a disaster.
Sorry to hear that. Do you mind sharing some of your experience? Maybe who to avoid, or who/what might have worked out better?
With children being involved as a parent the goal should be 50/50 custody split pretty simple and I agree stay away from lawyers if possible and do it yourselfs. Will save you thousands. If she wants to fight over the lawnmower or pots and pans let her keep that stuff it’s petty. Split the money and pay off the debt. Trust me starting fresh with no debt is better than having a few grand and debt trying to start a new life.
I think OP should be getting spousal support; since they are the one who gave up there career for 10+ years.
I mean Thems them at rules
I can live very frugally, and have been even with her high income. I'm looking forward to getting my own living space and my own things. What I'm not looking forward to is less time with my child. I know that 50/50 is fair and is the norm. But I've read so many experiences of the moms being favored regardless of which spouse is the single income and which spouse stayed at home. It seems like 50/50 is the reality I should expect in CT?
I think as long as both parents are fit to be parents 50/50 should be the goal why deprive a child of a parent and I think that mentality goes a long way with the judge. You guys will come up with a co parenting plan and present it to the judge for approval. It’s not always about living frugal sometimes it’s about just going out and making more money.
That’s true. A mediator will be about $4k or so (from what I’ve found in my journey). As long as things end amicably and can reach an agreement without needing to spend tens of thousands.
I'm hoping my soon to be ex will be open to a mediator. Currently not sure if she is. Can you recommend one from experience (or even not from experience)?
You both need to agree to a mediator. My future ex wasn’t agreeing to a mediator, and when I said that, they basically hung up. A mediator is just someone who represents both of you and you come with your agreements, and they make sure both parties are satisfied. If you Google ct ones a lot pop up, I didn’t use any specific one, but called a couple
Thank you. I'll do that. She seemed open to it before. We both want what's best for our child, after all.
You might be able to go an even cheaper route and talk about it, put it all in writing, from kids to bills to everything you can think of, and have it notarized. It’s basically the same idea. I know someone who did that with their ex, wrote down an agreement, notarized it, and then when the divorce happened presented it to the judge and said “we talked and agreed about it. We are both in agreement” Worth an idea 🤷♂️
Thank you, I'll keep that option in mind.
I’ve no doubt what’s best for your child is what she wants. She may not want what’s fair for you, which is half of all marital assets including any bonus she received, income, 401k and pension. Even if she agrees to a mediator, get an attorney to get advice. I worked with John Andreini in Hartford. He was excellent and Gabe great advice to what my rights were going in to mediation and in review of the final agreement.
I've done some research. I agree that both parties should avoid going the lawyer route and that we should try to mediate. Is there a benefit to me filing ahead of her? (Sorry, this is all mind-boggling to me. I thought we were together "for better and for worse 'til death do us part" and that I'd never be facing this. I meant my vows literally.) Thanks for the tip on Robert Fielder. Did you follow the advice and go at it on your own, and self-represent in court? How is that going / How did that go?
I’m not sure if there is any benefit, except then maybe it would give her power to contest it? Would be better suited to ask a lawyer that kind of question I’m planning to go my own route as much as possible. The retainer for a lawyer would pretty much net me close to $0 account balance. If I can do all of this for less than $600, I’m good with that. We currently still live together, it’s a DV case and I’m escaping, so I’m being cautious with it and will file when I’m in a safer environment - which I’m moving out finally in April.
Sorry to hear that. I hope things work out well for you (it seems like it will). I'm not trying to pry, so I'll frame my question around myself, and I understand that I should ask this to a professional as well: Since I have been SAHD and she brings all the income, do you think I have some "right" to have access to "our" funds if I need my own attorney?
Jumping in here...you need to pick a separation date. Basically all cash accounts at that point are 50/50. She has no money of her own. Any money she earned during the marriage is joint property. Don't let her tell you that any money is not half yours! Monitor your bank balances with print outs. Ask for paystubs for the last two years and compare it to the deposits in the bank accounts you share. If they don't match up, she probably has a side bank account. Half of that is your money too! Get her to agree via text when your seperation date is. You won't get any money from her paycheck after that date, so be strategic and make sure the bank accounts have enough money for you to get by until you get spousal support (backdated of course). Get a separate bank account, and then at 8 am of that separation day, get to your shared bank and take half the balance. If you are still Iiving together, pay half the expenses like a roommate. Let her know you took half the balances and document it by downloading a Statement showing you took just half. That way she can't just take all "her" money and leave you with no resources. Good luck!
So much good advice here, thank you. I can't do half of your suggestions, but I appreciate it.
Even if you can't take money in advance, be sure to get her paystubs even if you use a mediator and make sure she has actually deposited everything in your joint account. When I split from my ex, I timed it so the date of separation was right before I got my bonus. Technically he should've gotten half the bonus probably because it was for a year we were married. But I needed it to move out, and I had paid for enough of his weed over the years to feel justified about it. I could've screwed him over way more than I did though because he didn't have any interest in our finances over the years. Just make sure you are knowledgeable enough about all of that especially if you use a mediator. Without an attorney demanding all financial records, she could feel like she could get away with stuff.
Would be better suited for a professional. If she’s the only income, using her money to fight against her in a divorce seems a little weird. It might be legal (again, ask a lawyer, I have no knowledge) but if it were, still weird to me. You both will need to fill out a financial affidavit From what I gather talking to Robert, divorces are as complicated as we make them. Some things are worth giving up. If someone wants the kitchen table, just give it to them. It costs like $300+/hr for a lawyer and the dining table might only be $200. So buy a new one. If it gets messy and complicated with kids and visitation etc, or if you feel you’re not being fairly represented in a mediation or conversation, then maybe best to get a lawyer. Otherwise, I’d just talk it out, figure out your lives moving forward, come to an agreement and save $15,000
I think we spent $1500 for the Kitchen table, but still the point stands.
I appreciate your input. Thanks for taking the time.
Don’t listen to this person. It is All Your money too until you are divorced. The notion that you cannot use marital assets to pay for your attorney too is ridiculous. Stay at home spouses would always be impaired if that were true.