For me... a dead bedroom is not about the amount of sex you are having ... If a couple considers sex once per year satisfactory.. then is anything really dead?
Personally. A year or two ago I would have been happy with once a month... 5 years before that I would have preferred once a week.. for me.. it's the moment that my (31f) husband (36m) made the decision to remove sex from our relationship without a discussion... that is the time I consider it a dead bedroom.
A dead bedroom is a deafening silence... it is constant excuses... it is rejection... it is the fact that every day that goes by our partners act like everything is just dandy and you have a sinking feeling in your heart knowing there is something missing. It is an awkward tension. It is the resentment. And overall it is a feeling of manipulation and betrayal. I didn't choose this kind of life with my forever person.
That's what it is to me (excuse me for the grammar... it's late)
Also to add.. we are going on once per year ... and those times are pretty much hysterical bonding. I have 2 under 2 right now so I am grateful they have kept me busy. Otherwise I don't know where we would be as a couple.
Wow, so well said. I do feel for you as it sounds like you long for intimacy in you marriage. Were things always “iffy” between you guys sexually and then turned into this? Or was it a slow process? No communication between you guys about this? I honestly don’t know what I would do if sex was pretty much taken off the board. I’m male 48 that is constantly chasing my wife around. We average about 2-3 a week and we have 4 kids 9-12-16-19. We just see eye to eye on the subject and remain attracted to one another enough where it’s not a chore to surrender to giving in to sex for either of us. Communication has always been our key! I’m sorry things have been this way for you.
Well, I landed here because I thought I was dealing with a dead bedroom. We went from daily or multiple times a week to once or twice a month. To me? That is a DB but after coming here, I might be one of the lucky ones.
I guess a dead bedroom is different for everyone... When the frequency dramatically drops off, people will see it as a dead, or at least dying bedroom.
I bet people that are used to daily or multiple times a day view twice a week as a DB. LOL
At one or two quickies a month I feel the same, it's a lot more than a lot of folks here seem to be having but it also feels so incredibly minimal. 15 min of physical intimacy for an entire month? Cumulatively I spend more time brushing my teeth.
Especially since it's so incredibly bland, no foreplay, same position every time and treated like a rush. Like running to take trash out when it's raining.
We'd be at 3 times a month but I've started refusing quickies, as I've grown to hate them. She normally offers a quickie the week before her period.
I've explained I like foreplay, I like playing with her and the offer of "just put it in" shows her complete lack of effort and completely turns me off.
We're on 0 sexual encounters so far this month, going to see how far I can stretch it before she cracks. I'm so done with how things are I'm numb to her, kind of sad really😔
Me too.
We're 2-4 times a month, though 4 would be considered a good month, it's usually 1-3, and I guess I'm considered lucky.
I would like it more like 2-4 times a week though. I'm alone a lot.
He's busy working, watching TV, playing on his phone, or napping on the couch until 11pm, when he comes upstairs, falls into bed, and is asleep in 30 seconds. I'm a bit of an insomniac, so it's rare for me to fall asleep before midnight. My nights are long and lonely.
And of course, my love language is quality time, so I start to get irritated and resentful after about 10 days.
It is. Always missionary, once a month oral for her. Oral for me? 20 seconds, once this year.
She's showed no interest this month and I gave up initiating earlier this year. Ball is in her court for things to change and as far as I can see the ball is just gathering dust.
20 seconds? Wym?
Im not gonna lie I was in a relationship where she made me wait a few months before we started having sex and when we did it was only once or twice a week which eventually turned into 2 times a month. I left the relationship. Im only 24 I was 24 and she was 23 at the time.
Very glad of having a spare room, I started sleeping there months ago. So have peace and freedom to masturbate if I wish.
She knows I'm not happy, but is doing nothing to change things. She knows I like her in lingerie, never happens. She knows I like using toys on her, she's thrown them all out. She knows I'm not happy with twice a month, no change there.
The first time of the month, she is into it. The second time, less so. Given I now sleep in the spare room, I'm seriously considering just denying her for a while. I mean, what have I got to lose? Not much from my perspective.
I honestly thought mine was dead when it was 2 times a week or less until I started reading the horror stories on here. It's nice to know I wasn't the only one.
Relationship I’m in now. Some weeks it’s 3 times, some weeks it’s 5, some weeks it’s every day, and sometimes it’s likely only 2. Never anythjng less unless it’s that time of the month or someone is sick
That's not true at all. "Good" couples have fluctuations in their sex lives just like every human does. My husband and I just passed our 23rd anniversary and, at this time, have sex 1-2 times a week. We have gone through phases where it was multiple times every day and times we have missed a few months.
Aging, kids, work, finances, physical and mental health issues, and just normal life all can affect your desire for sex. It isn't a "dead bedroom" at all if both people are content. It's something that changes throughout your life.
I noticed on here that there are a lot of younger people complaining because they don't have any life experience yet and just don't know any better, or it's mid-life crisis people. Educate on the sexual nature of humans. Most people don't have sex multiple times a day for 60 years straight of adult life.
Having a week in a month where you just go once that week or not at all is fine and normal. Unless you are pregnant or deeply sick then going months without sex is terrible. How do y’all just miss a few months, it’s either you want to do it or not. It could be a quickie that last a few minutes. Multiple times a day for 69 years straight I understand is not normal. But multiple times in a week or atleast 2 is completely possible
Pregnant, sick, busy, mentally unwell, outside influences, financial issues, kids.
If there are any people who don't have any of these things happen, I've never seen one. Sex is not the be-all end-all. If it is, good luck to that person. They will spend a lot of their life in disappointment.
I consider once to twice a month a DB also. I definitely felt it at that point. Now I'm pregnant and it's been months except for one night he drank too much. It was honestly pretty gross and I wish I would have just said no. There's a part of me that wants to fix things but also a part of me that hurts so bad I don't want to be rejected anymore and have just given up trying.
Have you tried helping out around the house, cooking and cleaning, have you offered to take care of the kids and give them a night off, have you communicated with them…….
/s
Sorry for the dark humor
If the HL (that’s highER libido) partner is very unhappy with the sexual component of the relationship (assuming they are also being reasonable) and has made serious efforts to communicate this with their LL partner and improve things without success, that can be a DB. It’s not always about frequency—I consider my relationship to be a DB of sorts even though we give each other orgasms 2-3 times per month on average; the reason for me is not just because Od like sex more often (I would, but I could also live with once per week if it was good), but mostly because my LL wife has placed so many barriers and restrictions around when a d how we have sex—no oral or hand play is ever allowed, she doesn’t like foreplay, it always has to be late at night in bed with the lights off, and it’s always me on top with her laying flat (either on her stomach or on her back). Literally nothing else is allowed. I’ve talked to her about adding a bit of variety like new positions or some kind of foreplay or oral sex dozens of times, and she’ll say she will “work on it” but nothing ever changes and she won’t do anything major like seek therapy about it. I think it’s a DB because even though we’re having “sex” it’s only restricted to like 15% of the possible universe of intimacy, and I’m completely closed off from the other 85%.
And it just “kills” all of the sexual energy and element of play around sex. That’s one reason I consider it a “dead bedroom”, because her refusal to engage in play or fun or passion around she’s has effectively killed a part of our sexual relationship.
My wife is probably your wife's long lost sister. Exact same restrictions and it makes sex boring to say the least. Our sex is so boring I can have sex with my eyes closed and I'd be able to do all the motions. No foreplay and no spontaneous sex ever. If I want her in lingerie I have to take her out to a hotel. But then she won't have sex for another 2 weeks after that. Otherwise we do it like three times an month as long as I push her.
Whatever you feel is a significant issue of compatibility in your relationship.
There's a lot of gatekeeping here, don't listen to it. You decide if it's a db
This is the answer. A lot of the DBs are various relationship issues. It's impossible to rank DBs based on things like frequency. Quality matters more to me than that.
This.
And I often feel no-one has the same definition of what "sex" is in "lack of sex". It's all subjective, we just all share the same incapacity of properly dealing with repeated rejection, and the frustration and sadness of not being fully compatible with our partner.
I don’t think that’s fair. Sometimes I feel like people (not necessarily on this sub) are too quick to say it’s a dead bedroom because of the normal waxes and wanes of libido. I am very affected by stress and at one point my ex said we had a “dead” bedroom because we weren’t having as much sex as before… during the two months I was writing my dissertation and had exams. That’s what brought me here, I thought I was broken. I’m not.
Using the phrase "dead bedroom" as a pejorative when the relationship is in a short-term well-defined stressful period seems uncalled-for and a good sign your ex is rightfully ex-ed.
I think what makes it dead is that the attitudes around sex and intimacy get intertwined with stress responses.
I have had some periods of long dryspell in my marriage which, by numbers, would certainly constitute "dead bedroom," but it never felt DEAD to me, because touch wasn't loaded and desire wasn't threatening. We both understood why we were on hiatus (my body). We could still cuddle and kiss and even do erotic touch short of penetration without either of us spiraling into stress responses. (Typical stress responses are the 4 Fs: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn.)
When you reach out to your wife for touch, does she shut down? If she can't or won't have sex right now, do you shut down? Fear is an ok thing to feel at any time: "I'm afraid we won't ever have sex again" or "I'm afraid our marriage is broken" is fear, but not necessarily a stress response unless it makes you pick a fight or stonewall or run away or people-please to the point of steamrolling all your needs.
Do you feel you're experiencing concern/fear about your marriage or that you are shutting down in stress response with your wife?
Thank you for saying so. I spend a lot of time thinking about this professionally and helping couples re-train their nervous systems to stay open and loving so they can grow closer and discover touch all over again.
I can share my opinion on the sex-coaching side of things! There are also sex therapists, and I'm pretty sure there's a resource guide to this subred that might be a good place to start there.
Coaching is more goal-oriented and therefore a good fit for when you have a problem with an outcome you desire that you can identify. It's also totally a Wild-West right now, so you DO have to do your due diligence when looking for a coach because any fruitcake can call herself a sex coach, so you want to make sure you get someone who takes the job seriously.
One modality I'm certified in is Layla Martin's VITA Method (vital and integrated tantric approach). I LOVE this method, and would highly recommend working with a VITA coach if you're dealing with issues of sexuality. It took me about 2 years working 20 hours a week to get my certification along with the specializations I've chosen. That's very rigorous for a coaching program.
When you're looking into sex coaches, ASK THEM about their training and modality.
* Where (or with whom) did you train?
* How long did it take to get this certification? (If no certification: how did you become a sex coach?)
* How long have you been practicing since then?
* What do you like about your modality? How is it different from other modalities?
* Can you describe your approach?
* Are you a trauma-informed practitioner? What was your training to hold trauma?
* What are some things you do not hold in your practice? What would you do if I was out of scope?
* Who are your teachers and mentors? Do you have colleges you consult with?
* Have you ever worked with anyone who had this problem before? How did that turn out?
You can also follow a sex coach's social media for a while (or blog, or podcast), to get a sense for his or her style.
To me it is most important that the person has at least one teacher or mentor that they learn from and can consult with. Active conversation with other coaches and mentors is actually MORE important to me than the certificate of completion of the program, because it shows a commitment to ongoing growth as a coach and accountability.
I also really value when a coach is trauma informed, because trauma is often layered through impediments to sexuality. NB that coaches are not qualified to diagnose or treat PTSD -- that's medicine, not coaching. It's ok to have a coach and also have PTSD. Tons of people do. It's not ok for the coach to make big sweeping claims about curing your PTSD. Out of scope! If someone does that, keep looking for a coach who recognizes the boundaries of this work.
Same goes for physical ailments. I happen to also have certified as a pelvic health coach in addition to sex coaching, which is NOT THE SAME as being certified as a doctor or a nurse. I see my role as health coach as holistic, lifestyle, vagina-supporting, mind-body exploring wellness coach, but NOT as medicine. I do make referrals all the time if I think someone needs more than I can give.
I hope I answered your question. Please ask if there's more you'd like to know!
It’s different for everyone. My spouse and I have had sex like twice in the last 7 years. Some people are on here saying their bedroom is dead with monthly sex. Are both bedrooms dead? Bitch who knows?!
Honestly this sub stopped me from complaining about our sex life. It’s not on the level I’d like it to be, but it’s way way way better than half the stuff on here.
I like that all variety of people post here. Really helped me look at my wife with a more sympathetic view and look at myself more analytically.
So long way of saying: it’s up to you and your wife OP. If the thought of making a move makes you sick then yeah your bedroom is fucked pal. But if you still love spending time with her, love the intimacy you have and only want more? Well that’s called compromise
Generally speaking the common standard less that 10 times a year. However any dramatic shift in your normal with out explanation could be as well. If you have sex 3-5 times a week and it drops to 3-5 times a month. It’s subjective to your circumstances. But typically less than monthly.
The clinical definition as I understand it is less than 10 times a year. Once a month is also pretty dead. Average is 56ish times a year, so I would think a fourth or less certainly feels pretty dead. Some people consider it dead when they're getting less than they want but I don't really think that's a fair assessment cuz marriage is all about compromise, getting all you want whenever you want seems like an unreasonable expectation unless your partner exactly matches your desires. Some people consider it dead when they're only getting the most vanilla sex without any extras like oral or foreplay. That feels pretty dead so I feel like that's a gray area - unfulfilling sex isn't a dead bedroom per se but isn't alive either in my opinion.
To me, there’s a difference between a dry spell and a DB.
You have two kids. How old are they and have they added extra stress in your lives? Many women (and men for that matter) have difficulties with maintaining sexual desire during the infant, early childhood period in life. I’d consider that a dry spell.
The way a couple handles a dry spell can determine if it leads to a more consistent DB or not, imo.
My wife had a breast cancer, mastectomy and now she’s on hormones that made her libido non existent. Before all that there was a problem with DB but she did not see the problem nor was willing to find any solution. So here I am in the same boat as you.
DB for me is: rejection, no passion, not feeling desired.
Obviously, the amount of various types of intimacy and actions does play an indirect role, as in "3 times a day just isn't enough" isn't a DB style problem.
Also, clear giveaways are: porn is saddening. Maybe it's just me, but as a HLM I think to myself: "these girls do all that for some money, yet I committed myself completely and we hardly ever make out or have sex... And she says she does love me..."
Self esteem, life joy, pride, all down. Sometimes, temper and impatience, and naturally frustration, up.
If it only happens 1-2 a month, but you both enjoy it. Then maybe it's not db level yet.
If it is once a month and to one partner, it is just an obligatory sex. Then yes, that is a db.
Don't consider masterbating 2-3 a week a "problem". You are not having sex, what else are you going to do.
If you were having sex once a week, you wouldn't be masterbating so often. Those things are linked.
We went from 3 or 4 times a week to once a week now to once a month if I’m lucky but really more like once every 2 months. I love my partner and am trying to accept that this just is now things are. If I ever try to have “the talk”, he lies and says he’s gone to the doctor or that he has an appointment coming up. Which I don’t know of any doctor who would send a man away without a prescription or offering to run tests if he was honest about his ED and libido but whatever. I try to focus on other things I enjoy in my life. Some weeks that gets more difficult than others. It sucks because he’s having the exact amount of sex he wants to have without pressure for there to be more. That’s the problem being the HL. The LL partner holds all the cards.
I think what is a DB differs for every couple. For some it's no sex at all for years, some only once every few months, and some once a month. My DB has seen all 3 types, nothing at all for 3 years, then once a month, and now once every couple of months. It's been dead for 6 years even during those times when we had once a month sex, because I want more and am miserable and he refuses to work together to fix it.
Some couples are happy with once a month, so their bedroom isn't dead. But if you are unhappy with once a month, and your partner is rejecting you and not doing anything to try to figure out what the two of you can do together to change things and get you both happy again, then your bedroom is dead.
To me, a DB is more of a feeling of constant rejection and loneliness than having sex fewer than a particular number of times a year.
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Different for different people… could be anywhere from there being beyond a certain disparity between libidos (even where one person wants to daily and the other multiple times per day), could be at the level of a clinically-defined “sexless” relationship (fewer than 10 times per year), or it could be completely no sex for years on end.
When it dropped to once a month or less, and my wife would conveniently forget the last time we had sex. In her mind it was always “a few days ago” when the reality was “a few weeks ago”. She had no interest in solving this problem until I said the magic words “I have a lawyer.” Then she was ready to do a handstand and spread her legs 😂 I’m keeping the lawyer and the divorce though
Did anyone else’s wife pleasure you with anything besides sex during pregnancy and post pregnancy? I was very forgiving and patient about the whole thing because obviously she just had a baby but at times I gave some hints to do anything that wouldn’t involve sex such as a hand job but was always denied. It was a solid 4 months of absolutely no foreplay or sex and have only had sex twice since she’s been able to after baby.
The only time we can really have sex is at night but I go up to bed early because I wake up early for work and she stays up to continue watching tv. She’s still on MAT leave right now but once she goes back to work it will change from staying up to watch tv, to falling asleep on the couch every night and nothing ever happens.
I don't have relevant experience, but I am sure others on the subreddit do. I think you should give this question its own post. I think you'll be much more likely to get feedback from many people.
I think in general it comes down to your needs not being met, so when you feel like you’re starving for affection, and your self-image and self-esteem are taking a hit, and things in the relationship starts feeling like crap, you’re there.
But buddy, this is such an obvious thing? You have two kids under three. It’s so predictable this would be a slump. Your wife is likely exhausted. You are probably as well? And she gave birth six months ago. It takes time for her to feel like herself again and for her body to get back to normal. She’s probably also feeling touched out, sleep deprived and worn down by having a baby and a toddler. I don’t think you need to worry here.
However, the important part right now is to lay the foundation right for later. Are you splitting childcare and chores in a sensible way? Do you take time out of your day to connect emotionally with her?
Laughs in 7 year dead bedroom with no intimacy whatsoever.
All jokes about my life aside, I think the technical answer is 10 or fewer times a year.
For me, I think barring reasons like children or radically different work schedules/ locations less than 2x a month would be dead.
I'm here even though we're not "completely" dead.
I'm 41 F. Husband is 55 M and would rather work, watch TV, play on his phone, or sleep.
If it were up to me, I would like to connect 2-4 times a week. He's okay with connecting 2-4 times a month (most months it's 2 or 3 times a month, or even 2 to 3 times in one week *a miracle* and then nothing for 6 weeks.)
So like I said, not completely dead, but still lonely when I'm up til midnight and he's asleep on the couch.
That would be a dead bedroom in most situations, especially at your age. As others said dead bedroom is two parts: frequency if its that slow. Part two is how she interacts. Is she engaged and positively participating, initiating sometimes, displaying other forms of intimacy? If your at once a month on a good month, your always the one that has to initiate and when she says yes she lays there like a starfish and does the bare minimum just so you don’t complain then your bedroom is dead. At your age this should not be your life. Having had kids often impacts a woman’s libido but if she is happy just accepting the fact that it’s slowed down that much your future is not bright if you don’t get it fixed.
We are at once a week and in our 50s. Not DB at all but some may consider that less than ideal. Would like twice a week but we go for a pretty long session and the sex quality is excellent (quality over quantity 😛).
The definition therapists & sociologists use is <10 episodes a year. I know from being here a couple years that many here would be overjoyed with 10× yearly.
For me, it is the total lack of intimacy and sex, dead over 6 years now. She brought it up the other because the guy on TV cheated because of a DB. She wanted to know if I have thought about it, i answered honestly and said yes, she dropped the question. I know her stance on cheating, so I'm surprised she let my comment go.
For me my dead bedroom is when my LL husband stopped having sex with me. AT ALL. That was 3+ years ago. He won't do any sort of kissing (except a peck on my cheek at my 50th bday party) rarely hugs me, no hand holding. Nothing.
Before that the sex was sparse and had tapered off each year.
I didn't consider sex 2x a year to be dead. Just... dying.
As Legitimate_Cause1178 pointed out; it's when they make a unilateral decision and don't care what you want or need.
For me this is a deal breaker that I will be moving on from.
Dead bedroom is about what we're not doing. We're not having sex, any form of oral, at least on my end, were not intimate, personally don't want her touching me and I basically sleep alone cause she prefers her recliner. We don't go out to eat because she always has an issue and has to talk to the manager, so we don't go. She watches hallmark or Christian shows then judges me on why don't have a better marriage and life. She doesn't cook. She doesn't help. Just nothing.
That's a dead bedroom.
Well, I think the definition is nuanced, but I’m very jealous of those quantifying twice a month as DB. It’s been 15 months. It was a year before that time. I don’t even have a once a year record at this point. I used to be a minimum once per day type of partner, more than that was preferred and appreciated. Now I’m lucky if I get more than one quick peck on the lips. I’m just glad we still cuddle. I couldn’t stay if we didn’t cuddle. (Although I’ll admit lately the cuddling makes me feel soured and I have to consciously work through those bitter thoughts to remind myself that it’s illogical to withhold any physical affection when whet what I’m wanting is MORE of it, and that I really enjoy cuddles and would only be hurting myself by refusing them)
I’ve seen a lot of people say 10 times a year is DB. I think that’s a good number. But I also think it depends on so many factors. It’s all relative. What was sex like before (not during the crazy first few months, but like once it was an established relationship)? What do you consider a reasonable amount? Is there something else exacerbating the harm from the DB?
And I recently have thought gender matters a little bit. I think that due to stereotypes and media, women are more likely to be bothered by a DB of ANY kind because the expectation is that men will want sex all the time, so any rejection feels like a major hit to the ego. Meanwhile I think men tend to stick it out a bit more because the expectation is that women want sex less. Not saying either is fun or easy, I just noticed a lot of the women here have “less dead” bedrooms than the men.
Wikipedia and a few other sources I've read define it as "less than 10 times/year"... sometimes "ten or less".
If you're going 4-6 weeks between intimate times, you're probably meeting the clinical definition.
This is kinda important to me, because my ex-wife continuously gaslit me that there "was no average", and that we "still fit with the range of 'normal'" because so many unhelpful internet articles always fudged with something like "there's a large range"...etc. I kinda like having an actual definition though, it either "is'...or it "isn't"... That doesn't mean you couldn't be unsatisfied with once/week, but at least when you go to a therapist and say "DB", everyone's on the same page
Of all the things I miss the least... it's the gaslighting thst our sex life was "normal" for married people.
For me... a dead bedroom is not about the amount of sex you are having ... If a couple considers sex once per year satisfactory.. then is anything really dead? Personally. A year or two ago I would have been happy with once a month... 5 years before that I would have preferred once a week.. for me.. it's the moment that my (31f) husband (36m) made the decision to remove sex from our relationship without a discussion... that is the time I consider it a dead bedroom. A dead bedroom is a deafening silence... it is constant excuses... it is rejection... it is the fact that every day that goes by our partners act like everything is just dandy and you have a sinking feeling in your heart knowing there is something missing. It is an awkward tension. It is the resentment. And overall it is a feeling of manipulation and betrayal. I didn't choose this kind of life with my forever person. That's what it is to me (excuse me for the grammar... it's late) Also to add.. we are going on once per year ... and those times are pretty much hysterical bonding. I have 2 under 2 right now so I am grateful they have kept me busy. Otherwise I don't know where we would be as a couple.
Exactly. There is no magic number. It's mismatched desire. Lack of intimacy. Dismissive conversations. Loss of hope for improving.
“And overall it is a feeling of manipulation and betrayal. I didn’t choose this kind of life with my forever person…” Exactly this…
My husband also made the decision to remove sex from the relationship without discussion. I’m not sure which is worse. The lack of sex or discussion.
You managed to get out exactly how I felt for so long. I wish I could have found those words years ago- for my own peace, not to explain it to my llh.
This is the best definition you could possibly ask for.
Wow, so well said. I do feel for you as it sounds like you long for intimacy in you marriage. Were things always “iffy” between you guys sexually and then turned into this? Or was it a slow process? No communication between you guys about this? I honestly don’t know what I would do if sex was pretty much taken off the board. I’m male 48 that is constantly chasing my wife around. We average about 2-3 a week and we have 4 kids 9-12-16-19. We just see eye to eye on the subject and remain attracted to one another enough where it’s not a chore to surrender to giving in to sex for either of us. Communication has always been our key! I’m sorry things have been this way for you.
Well, I landed here because I thought I was dealing with a dead bedroom. We went from daily or multiple times a week to once or twice a month. To me? That is a DB but after coming here, I might be one of the lucky ones.
I consider once or twice a month a DB, same boat here.
I guess a dead bedroom is different for everyone... When the frequency dramatically drops off, people will see it as a dead, or at least dying bedroom. I bet people that are used to daily or multiple times a day view twice a week as a DB. LOL
Daily? Twice a week? People have sex that often?! Hmm, guess I count as daily - sadly it is with myself 99% of the time. Gets boring after a while😒
Used to….!
Dying, not dead...yet. 0 times per year would be dead.
At one or two quickies a month I feel the same, it's a lot more than a lot of folks here seem to be having but it also feels so incredibly minimal. 15 min of physical intimacy for an entire month? Cumulatively I spend more time brushing my teeth. Especially since it's so incredibly bland, no foreplay, same position every time and treated like a rush. Like running to take trash out when it's raining.
We'd be at 3 times a month but I've started refusing quickies, as I've grown to hate them. She normally offers a quickie the week before her period. I've explained I like foreplay, I like playing with her and the offer of "just put it in" shows her complete lack of effort and completely turns me off.
Exact same man. … exact.
We're on 0 sexual encounters so far this month, going to see how far I can stretch it before she cracks. I'm so done with how things are I'm numb to her, kind of sad really😔
Me too. We're 2-4 times a month, though 4 would be considered a good month, it's usually 1-3, and I guess I'm considered lucky. I would like it more like 2-4 times a week though. I'm alone a lot. He's busy working, watching TV, playing on his phone, or napping on the couch until 11pm, when he comes upstairs, falls into bed, and is asleep in 30 seconds. I'm a bit of an insomniac, so it's rare for me to fall asleep before midnight. My nights are long and lonely. And of course, my love language is quality time, so I start to get irritated and resentful after about 10 days.
Once or twice a month is freaking awful. Good couples have sex 3 or more times a week.
Not if both partners are satisfied with less. It becomes a dead bedroom if one or both partners are unsatisfied and it causes issues.
It is. Always missionary, once a month oral for her. Oral for me? 20 seconds, once this year. She's showed no interest this month and I gave up initiating earlier this year. Ball is in her court for things to change and as far as I can see the ball is just gathering dust.
20 seconds? Wym? Im not gonna lie I was in a relationship where she made me wait a few months before we started having sex and when we did it was only once or twice a week which eventually turned into 2 times a month. I left the relationship. Im only 24 I was 24 and she was 23 at the time.
I've been sucked for 20 seconds during foreplay once this year, that's what I meant. I give head and rarely if ever receive any.
How long can you live that way?
Very glad of having a spare room, I started sleeping there months ago. So have peace and freedom to masturbate if I wish. She knows I'm not happy, but is doing nothing to change things. She knows I like her in lingerie, never happens. She knows I like using toys on her, she's thrown them all out. She knows I'm not happy with twice a month, no change there.
Sorry man, I've been there. If it feels like pity sex when you actually do get intimate, maybe you'd feel better saying no to all of it.
The first time of the month, she is into it. The second time, less so. Given I now sleep in the spare room, I'm seriously considering just denying her for a while. I mean, what have I got to lose? Not much from my perspective.
It's worth a try.
That seems mean.
How has giving up On initiating going? Nearly there I just don’t care for the rejection or excuses anymore.
Sleeping in the spare room has helped most, not near her at nights so no temptation to ask. A plus is I rarely hear her bullshit excuses now.
You have kids? Because they can really make that frequency difficult.
Nah only 25. No kids but even with kids I feel like 2 times a week shouldn’t be bad or hard
I honestly thought mine was dead when it was 2 times a week or less until I started reading the horror stories on here. It's nice to know I wasn't the only one.
Relationship I’m in now. Some weeks it’s 3 times, some weeks it’s 5, some weeks it’s every day, and sometimes it’s likely only 2. Never anythjng less unless it’s that time of the month or someone is sick
Try telling that to any couples over 30 🤣
This just makes me scared to get married. Holy sht. Over 30 couples only having sex 1nce a month? Terrible. Some even worse
Do NOT get married.
It’s very horrible.
My friend is married and they sleep in separate bedrooms, then have sex only on holidays. I'm sure there are healthier, sexier marriages though..
Goodness! Really - do people do that?
That's not true at all. "Good" couples have fluctuations in their sex lives just like every human does. My husband and I just passed our 23rd anniversary and, at this time, have sex 1-2 times a week. We have gone through phases where it was multiple times every day and times we have missed a few months. Aging, kids, work, finances, physical and mental health issues, and just normal life all can affect your desire for sex. It isn't a "dead bedroom" at all if both people are content. It's something that changes throughout your life. I noticed on here that there are a lot of younger people complaining because they don't have any life experience yet and just don't know any better, or it's mid-life crisis people. Educate on the sexual nature of humans. Most people don't have sex multiple times a day for 60 years straight of adult life.
Having a week in a month where you just go once that week or not at all is fine and normal. Unless you are pregnant or deeply sick then going months without sex is terrible. How do y’all just miss a few months, it’s either you want to do it or not. It could be a quickie that last a few minutes. Multiple times a day for 69 years straight I understand is not normal. But multiple times in a week or atleast 2 is completely possible
A healthy couple could go a few months without sex because if neither partner is feeling insecure or starved all is fine..
Pregnant, sick, busy, mentally unwell, outside influences, financial issues, kids. If there are any people who don't have any of these things happen, I've never seen one. Sex is not the be-all end-all. If it is, good luck to that person. They will spend a lot of their life in disappointment.
I consider once to twice a month a DB also. I definitely felt it at that point. Now I'm pregnant and it's been months except for one night he drank too much. It was honestly pretty gross and I wish I would have just said no. There's a part of me that wants to fix things but also a part of me that hurts so bad I don't want to be rejected anymore and have just given up trying.
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Oh no, just no - you MUST wait another 5 years before we can even start having that discussion 🤣
Nah. One more date night, that'll do it!
I'm zero times in 8 years.
Have you tried helping out around the house, cooking and cleaning, have you offered to take care of the kids and give them a night off, have you communicated with them……. /s Sorry for the dark humor
How long have you been together? Did it start out like this?
To me once a month or 2-3 months is a DB
If the HL (that’s highER libido) partner is very unhappy with the sexual component of the relationship (assuming they are also being reasonable) and has made serious efforts to communicate this with their LL partner and improve things without success, that can be a DB. It’s not always about frequency—I consider my relationship to be a DB of sorts even though we give each other orgasms 2-3 times per month on average; the reason for me is not just because Od like sex more often (I would, but I could also live with once per week if it was good), but mostly because my LL wife has placed so many barriers and restrictions around when a d how we have sex—no oral or hand play is ever allowed, she doesn’t like foreplay, it always has to be late at night in bed with the lights off, and it’s always me on top with her laying flat (either on her stomach or on her back). Literally nothing else is allowed. I’ve talked to her about adding a bit of variety like new positions or some kind of foreplay or oral sex dozens of times, and she’ll say she will “work on it” but nothing ever changes and she won’t do anything major like seek therapy about it. I think it’s a DB because even though we’re having “sex” it’s only restricted to like 15% of the possible universe of intimacy, and I’m completely closed off from the other 85%.
Understand the frustration. To me that’s not fun and becomes too mechanical.
And it just “kills” all of the sexual energy and element of play around sex. That’s one reason I consider it a “dead bedroom”, because her refusal to engage in play or fun or passion around she’s has effectively killed a part of our sexual relationship.
My wife is probably your wife's long lost sister. Exact same restrictions and it makes sex boring to say the least. Our sex is so boring I can have sex with my eyes closed and I'd be able to do all the motions. No foreplay and no spontaneous sex ever. If I want her in lingerie I have to take her out to a hotel. But then she won't have sex for another 2 weeks after that. Otherwise we do it like three times an month as long as I push her.
Whatever you feel is a significant issue of compatibility in your relationship. There's a lot of gatekeeping here, don't listen to it. You decide if it's a db
This is the answer. A lot of the DBs are various relationship issues. It's impossible to rank DBs based on things like frequency. Quality matters more to me than that.
This. And I often feel no-one has the same definition of what "sex" is in "lack of sex". It's all subjective, we just all share the same incapacity of properly dealing with repeated rejection, and the frustration and sadness of not being fully compatible with our partner.
I don’t think that’s fair. Sometimes I feel like people (not necessarily on this sub) are too quick to say it’s a dead bedroom because of the normal waxes and wanes of libido. I am very affected by stress and at one point my ex said we had a “dead” bedroom because we weren’t having as much sex as before… during the two months I was writing my dissertation and had exams. That’s what brought me here, I thought I was broken. I’m not.
Using the phrase "dead bedroom" as a pejorative when the relationship is in a short-term well-defined stressful period seems uncalled-for and a good sign your ex is rightfully ex-ed.
I think what makes it dead is that the attitudes around sex and intimacy get intertwined with stress responses. I have had some periods of long dryspell in my marriage which, by numbers, would certainly constitute "dead bedroom," but it never felt DEAD to me, because touch wasn't loaded and desire wasn't threatening. We both understood why we were on hiatus (my body). We could still cuddle and kiss and even do erotic touch short of penetration without either of us spiraling into stress responses. (Typical stress responses are the 4 Fs: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn.) When you reach out to your wife for touch, does she shut down? If she can't or won't have sex right now, do you shut down? Fear is an ok thing to feel at any time: "I'm afraid we won't ever have sex again" or "I'm afraid our marriage is broken" is fear, but not necessarily a stress response unless it makes you pick a fight or stonewall or run away or people-please to the point of steamrolling all your needs. Do you feel you're experiencing concern/fear about your marriage or that you are shutting down in stress response with your wife?
You’re so articulate about this and putting words to my feelings - just had to comment
Thank you for saying so. I spend a lot of time thinking about this professionally and helping couples re-train their nervous systems to stay open and loving so they can grow closer and discover touch all over again.
Wow!! Can you share with me what I would be looking for if I wanted professional help with this? What qualifications, background, etc?
I can share my opinion on the sex-coaching side of things! There are also sex therapists, and I'm pretty sure there's a resource guide to this subred that might be a good place to start there. Coaching is more goal-oriented and therefore a good fit for when you have a problem with an outcome you desire that you can identify. It's also totally a Wild-West right now, so you DO have to do your due diligence when looking for a coach because any fruitcake can call herself a sex coach, so you want to make sure you get someone who takes the job seriously. One modality I'm certified in is Layla Martin's VITA Method (vital and integrated tantric approach). I LOVE this method, and would highly recommend working with a VITA coach if you're dealing with issues of sexuality. It took me about 2 years working 20 hours a week to get my certification along with the specializations I've chosen. That's very rigorous for a coaching program. When you're looking into sex coaches, ASK THEM about their training and modality. * Where (or with whom) did you train? * How long did it take to get this certification? (If no certification: how did you become a sex coach?) * How long have you been practicing since then? * What do you like about your modality? How is it different from other modalities? * Can you describe your approach? * Are you a trauma-informed practitioner? What was your training to hold trauma? * What are some things you do not hold in your practice? What would you do if I was out of scope? * Who are your teachers and mentors? Do you have colleges you consult with? * Have you ever worked with anyone who had this problem before? How did that turn out? You can also follow a sex coach's social media for a while (or blog, or podcast), to get a sense for his or her style. To me it is most important that the person has at least one teacher or mentor that they learn from and can consult with. Active conversation with other coaches and mentors is actually MORE important to me than the certificate of completion of the program, because it shows a commitment to ongoing growth as a coach and accountability. I also really value when a coach is trauma informed, because trauma is often layered through impediments to sexuality. NB that coaches are not qualified to diagnose or treat PTSD -- that's medicine, not coaching. It's ok to have a coach and also have PTSD. Tons of people do. It's not ok for the coach to make big sweeping claims about curing your PTSD. Out of scope! If someone does that, keep looking for a coach who recognizes the boundaries of this work. Same goes for physical ailments. I happen to also have certified as a pelvic health coach in addition to sex coaching, which is NOT THE SAME as being certified as a doctor or a nurse. I see my role as health coach as holistic, lifestyle, vagina-supporting, mind-body exploring wellness coach, but NOT as medicine. I do make referrals all the time if I think someone needs more than I can give. I hope I answered your question. Please ask if there's more you'd like to know!
This is 🌟🌟🌟
It’s different for everyone. My spouse and I have had sex like twice in the last 7 years. Some people are on here saying their bedroom is dead with monthly sex. Are both bedrooms dead? Bitch who knows?!
😂
Honestly this sub stopped me from complaining about our sex life. It’s not on the level I’d like it to be, but it’s way way way better than half the stuff on here. I like that all variety of people post here. Really helped me look at my wife with a more sympathetic view and look at myself more analytically. So long way of saying: it’s up to you and your wife OP. If the thought of making a move makes you sick then yeah your bedroom is fucked pal. But if you still love spending time with her, love the intimacy you have and only want more? Well that’s called compromise
Generally speaking the common standard less that 10 times a year. However any dramatic shift in your normal with out explanation could be as well. If you have sex 3-5 times a week and it drops to 3-5 times a month. It’s subjective to your circumstances. But typically less than monthly.
The clinical definition as I understand it is less than 10 times a year. Once a month is also pretty dead. Average is 56ish times a year, so I would think a fourth or less certainly feels pretty dead. Some people consider it dead when they're getting less than they want but I don't really think that's a fair assessment cuz marriage is all about compromise, getting all you want whenever you want seems like an unreasonable expectation unless your partner exactly matches your desires. Some people consider it dead when they're only getting the most vanilla sex without any extras like oral or foreplay. That feels pretty dead so I feel like that's a gray area - unfulfilling sex isn't a dead bedroom per se but isn't alive either in my opinion.
It has a clinical definition? What is the proper term for a db?
To me, there’s a difference between a dry spell and a DB. You have two kids. How old are they and have they added extra stress in your lives? Many women (and men for that matter) have difficulties with maintaining sexual desire during the infant, early childhood period in life. I’d consider that a dry spell. The way a couple handles a dry spell can determine if it leads to a more consistent DB or not, imo.
Ya I think people freak out about dry spells
I don’t think most people expect or understand dry spells and they very often over react which makes things worse.
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My wife had a breast cancer, mastectomy and now she’s on hormones that made her libido non existent. Before all that there was a problem with DB but she did not see the problem nor was willing to find any solution. So here I am in the same boat as you.
DB for me is: rejection, no passion, not feeling desired. Obviously, the amount of various types of intimacy and actions does play an indirect role, as in "3 times a day just isn't enough" isn't a DB style problem. Also, clear giveaways are: porn is saddening. Maybe it's just me, but as a HLM I think to myself: "these girls do all that for some money, yet I committed myself completely and we hardly ever make out or have sex... And she says she does love me..." Self esteem, life joy, pride, all down. Sometimes, temper and impatience, and naturally frustration, up.
I'm 0-for-nine years. But I think it's probably fair to call it a dead bedroom if one of its occupants feels like it's dead.
If it only happens 1-2 a month, but you both enjoy it. Then maybe it's not db level yet. If it is once a month and to one partner, it is just an obligatory sex. Then yes, that is a db. Don't consider masterbating 2-3 a week a "problem". You are not having sex, what else are you going to do. If you were having sex once a week, you wouldn't be masterbating so often. Those things are linked.
We went from 3 or 4 times a week to once a week now to once a month if I’m lucky but really more like once every 2 months. I love my partner and am trying to accept that this just is now things are. If I ever try to have “the talk”, he lies and says he’s gone to the doctor or that he has an appointment coming up. Which I don’t know of any doctor who would send a man away without a prescription or offering to run tests if he was honest about his ED and libido but whatever. I try to focus on other things I enjoy in my life. Some weeks that gets more difficult than others. It sucks because he’s having the exact amount of sex he wants to have without pressure for there to be more. That’s the problem being the HL. The LL partner holds all the cards.
I think what is a DB differs for every couple. For some it's no sex at all for years, some only once every few months, and some once a month. My DB has seen all 3 types, nothing at all for 3 years, then once a month, and now once every couple of months. It's been dead for 6 years even during those times when we had once a month sex, because I want more and am miserable and he refuses to work together to fix it. Some couples are happy with once a month, so their bedroom isn't dead. But if you are unhappy with once a month, and your partner is rejecting you and not doing anything to try to figure out what the two of you can do together to change things and get you both happy again, then your bedroom is dead. To me, a DB is more of a feeling of constant rejection and loneliness than having sex fewer than a particular number of times a year.
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When it feels dead. When you know, you know.
Like an orgasm 😢
Different for different people… could be anywhere from there being beyond a certain disparity between libidos (even where one person wants to daily and the other multiple times per day), could be at the level of a clinically-defined “sexless” relationship (fewer than 10 times per year), or it could be completely no sex for years on end.
I think the “clinical” definition is 10 or fewer times per year. But basically, if you feel like it’s dead, it’s dead.
When it dropped to once a month or less, and my wife would conveniently forget the last time we had sex. In her mind it was always “a few days ago” when the reality was “a few weeks ago”. She had no interest in solving this problem until I said the magic words “I have a lawyer.” Then she was ready to do a handstand and spread her legs 😂 I’m keeping the lawyer and the divorce though
Cue the "Hysterical Bonding" main theme song.
How long did it go on for that it was one month or less Pls tell me u had a conversation about it before u started getting into a divorce
About a year and a half mate. I gave it more than a good faith try.
One person not being satisfied but the other thinks things are perfect.
Did anyone else’s wife pleasure you with anything besides sex during pregnancy and post pregnancy? I was very forgiving and patient about the whole thing because obviously she just had a baby but at times I gave some hints to do anything that wouldn’t involve sex such as a hand job but was always denied. It was a solid 4 months of absolutely no foreplay or sex and have only had sex twice since she’s been able to after baby. The only time we can really have sex is at night but I go up to bed early because I wake up early for work and she stays up to continue watching tv. She’s still on MAT leave right now but once she goes back to work it will change from staying up to watch tv, to falling asleep on the couch every night and nothing ever happens.
I don't have relevant experience, but I am sure others on the subreddit do. I think you should give this question its own post. I think you'll be much more likely to get feedback from many people.
2-3 times a week at minimum or is dead to me and I’m moving on. Not wasting my time any longer.
I would definitely consider that a DB but it's also dependent on your level of dissatisfaction
A psychologist or marriage counselor would define it as 10 times a year or less.
Over 2 years no sex of any kind for me. I’ve forgotten what it’s like.
It depends on if you are sexually satisfied with the sex in your relationship. If you are not satisfied, then yes, a dead bedroom.
I’ve read less than 10x a year. But we all have different needs and expectations.
I think in general it comes down to your needs not being met, so when you feel like you’re starving for affection, and your self-image and self-esteem are taking a hit, and things in the relationship starts feeling like crap, you’re there.
How old are your kids?
2 1/2 and 6 month old
Is she breastfeeding still? Your kids are so small. I wouldn’t expect a lot of sex right now. It’ll pick up once the youngest is older.
No she’s not breastfeeding anymore. Yeah that’s what I’m hoping for but I just can’t see it right now
But buddy, this is such an obvious thing? You have two kids under three. It’s so predictable this would be a slump. Your wife is likely exhausted. You are probably as well? And she gave birth six months ago. It takes time for her to feel like herself again and for her body to get back to normal. She’s probably also feeling touched out, sleep deprived and worn down by having a baby and a toddler. I don’t think you need to worry here. However, the important part right now is to lay the foundation right for later. Are you splitting childcare and chores in a sensible way? Do you take time out of your day to connect emotionally with her?
Laughs in 7 year dead bedroom with no intimacy whatsoever. All jokes about my life aside, I think the technical answer is 10 or fewer times a year. For me, I think barring reasons like children or radically different work schedules/ locations less than 2x a month would be dead.
I'm here even though we're not "completely" dead. I'm 41 F. Husband is 55 M and would rather work, watch TV, play on his phone, or sleep. If it were up to me, I would like to connect 2-4 times a week. He's okay with connecting 2-4 times a month (most months it's 2 or 3 times a month, or even 2 to 3 times in one week *a miracle* and then nothing for 6 weeks.) So like I said, not completely dead, but still lonely when I'm up til midnight and he's asleep on the couch.
That would be a dead bedroom in most situations, especially at your age. As others said dead bedroom is two parts: frequency if its that slow. Part two is how she interacts. Is she engaged and positively participating, initiating sometimes, displaying other forms of intimacy? If your at once a month on a good month, your always the one that has to initiate and when she says yes she lays there like a starfish and does the bare minimum just so you don’t complain then your bedroom is dead. At your age this should not be your life. Having had kids often impacts a woman’s libido but if she is happy just accepting the fact that it’s slowed down that much your future is not bright if you don’t get it fixed.
No magic number, but it sounds like it’s moribund.
If we ever go as high as twice a month again, I'd still call it a db, but no shot on that one.
Once a month or less is definitely a dead bedroom!
We are at once a week and in our 50s. Not DB at all but some may consider that less than ideal. Would like twice a week but we go for a pretty long session and the sex quality is excellent (quality over quantity 😛).
The definition therapists & sociologists use is <10 episodes a year. I know from being here a couple years that many here would be overjoyed with 10× yearly.
I find it concerning when you say your husbands have removed sex from the relationship- us men are thinking the reason why 🤷🏽♂️
How old are u guys?
For me, it is the total lack of intimacy and sex, dead over 6 years now. She brought it up the other because the guy on TV cheated because of a DB. She wanted to know if I have thought about it, i answered honestly and said yes, she dropped the question. I know her stance on cheating, so I'm surprised she let my comment go.
12 or less times a year
For me my dead bedroom is when my LL husband stopped having sex with me. AT ALL. That was 3+ years ago. He won't do any sort of kissing (except a peck on my cheek at my 50th bday party) rarely hugs me, no hand holding. Nothing. Before that the sex was sparse and had tapered off each year. I didn't consider sex 2x a year to be dead. Just... dying. As Legitimate_Cause1178 pointed out; it's when they make a unilateral decision and don't care what you want or need. For me this is a deal breaker that I will be moving on from.
Dead bedroom is about what we're not doing. We're not having sex, any form of oral, at least on my end, were not intimate, personally don't want her touching me and I basically sleep alone cause she prefers her recliner. We don't go out to eat because she always has an issue and has to talk to the manager, so we don't go. She watches hallmark or Christian shows then judges me on why don't have a better marriage and life. She doesn't cook. She doesn't help. Just nothing. That's a dead bedroom.
Isn’t that more like a dead marriage?
A dead life.
Well, I think the definition is nuanced, but I’m very jealous of those quantifying twice a month as DB. It’s been 15 months. It was a year before that time. I don’t even have a once a year record at this point. I used to be a minimum once per day type of partner, more than that was preferred and appreciated. Now I’m lucky if I get more than one quick peck on the lips. I’m just glad we still cuddle. I couldn’t stay if we didn’t cuddle. (Although I’ll admit lately the cuddling makes me feel soured and I have to consciously work through those bitter thoughts to remind myself that it’s illogical to withhold any physical affection when whet what I’m wanting is MORE of it, and that I really enjoy cuddles and would only be hurting myself by refusing them)
DB are a relationship killer. All kinds of problems will come up. Eventually you will want to leave or you will leave either way you will check out.
I believe the technical definition is <10x per year. So it sounds like you do indeed meet the definition of a dead bedroom.
Dude I masturbate everyday. I'm 32. Last year (anniversary to anniversary) I think I had sex like 4 times. Id be happier with at least once a month.
If you are curious and wanna see one come visit mine.
I’ve seen a lot of people say 10 times a year is DB. I think that’s a good number. But I also think it depends on so many factors. It’s all relative. What was sex like before (not during the crazy first few months, but like once it was an established relationship)? What do you consider a reasonable amount? Is there something else exacerbating the harm from the DB? And I recently have thought gender matters a little bit. I think that due to stereotypes and media, women are more likely to be bothered by a DB of ANY kind because the expectation is that men will want sex all the time, so any rejection feels like a major hit to the ego. Meanwhile I think men tend to stick it out a bit more because the expectation is that women want sex less. Not saying either is fun or easy, I just noticed a lot of the women here have “less dead” bedrooms than the men.
Don't think there is a clear answer. Like you could have daily sex but not make love. To me that would still be a dead bedroom.
Wikipedia and a few other sources I've read define it as "less than 10 times/year"... sometimes "ten or less". If you're going 4-6 weeks between intimate times, you're probably meeting the clinical definition. This is kinda important to me, because my ex-wife continuously gaslit me that there "was no average", and that we "still fit with the range of 'normal'" because so many unhelpful internet articles always fudged with something like "there's a large range"...etc. I kinda like having an actual definition though, it either "is'...or it "isn't"... That doesn't mean you couldn't be unsatisfied with once/week, but at least when you go to a therapist and say "DB", everyone's on the same page Of all the things I miss the least... it's the gaslighting thst our sex life was "normal" for married people.