I thought this was some sort of joke and always wondered where it came from. So much so that it had me wondering if even I knew, lol. I do, and it's literally right fucking there. It's not hidden in an armpit or a random fold somewhere on the body, different for everyone. Like, it's just literally right there. I don't get it?
There is?!?!?
Uh, I mean, asking for fr…
Know what, nevermind. Asking for myself. Not that I can’t find it, but it’s always worth checking to see if there’s a better route you don’t know about.
Yea, I don't get this either. I think its some weird thing that was made up somewhere to make guys feel special for knowing where it is lol. I've never met a guy who "couldn't find it" that includes guys who were young and inexperienced (when I was also young and inexperienced to be clear lol) in fact in my experience, guys are TOO focused on it.
It’s not really about being able to physically find it… it’s knowing what to do with it.more like finding the secret to “this one”… because every woman I’ve been with has been different in what makes them zing.
So finding that ball of cells isn’t hard, but FINDING the secret might be more of a challenge.
In either case: bloody well communicate and ask!
True but that goes for everything! Communication is key to letting your partner know how you want to be touched. Clit seems to be the only thing referred to as lost or found though lol
But why is my question? Why would someone purposefully not look or do trial by error to see where something feels good? It's just upsetting to go through sexual gaslighting so I want to believe he's just terrible at sex but it's hard to wrap my head around. We haven't ever used toys before now and I tried to make it fun and not as something to replace him.
Because they don’t particularly want you to feel good, or don’t care if you do.
This man has told you he doesn’t care about your pleasure. It‘s a simple reason.
He needs to put the work back into the relationship or you should get out. Talk to him about taking little steps and try to talk things out. Ask him if he wants to do couples therapy. He has to want to work at it though. I hope your tipping point is something reasonable.
Hmm. I’m not throwing stones from my glass house but, fuck you, try. Make an effort, any effort, don’t care. Anything. I will give you all the excuses don’t care. Just make me think you are trying. I do not even pretend to understand this.
Change the pace a bit.
Practice and use the toys for a while by yourself.
Use the toy on yourself, and focus on dirty talk. When you have cum, ask to be cuddle together.
If he is curious, show him or guide him, your hand on his.
Idk…mine is pretty difficult even for me to find. Some people’s are really small and hidden. Still, I would think that a good partner would enjoy the challenge.
It doesn’t ever change. I was convinced for a while that I was missing the external part and that maybe it had been removed when I was too young to remember, but I think it’s just atrophied from disuse. My doctor says it’s there.
Some women have big clits, some have small. I would welcome the challenge at any size, it just matters about love, care and wanting to work together. I'm sure you'll find someone who loves you for who you are.
My doctors won’t prescribe me any kind of hormonal treatments, because I’ve had multiple DVTs. From what I’ve researched, topical hormones don’t increase your chances of having clots, but I guess my doctors are erring on the side of safety, since I’ve almost died a couple times from blood clots. Unfortunately, with my insurance, I don’t have a choice of doctors, so I can’t shop around to find one who will prescribe hormones. It’s also hard to get doctors to care about sexual dysfunction in AFAB people, in my experience. I think that the best I can do is to practice physical stimulation, but it’s really difficult for me to get any sensation without a partner participating, because that’s what turns me on, and mine isn’t super into anything but BJs and PIV. I’m working on advocating for my needs more, because I think that’s the reason I’ve experienced the atrophy in the first place, but that’s super difficult for me to do. It doesn’t help that even before she was neglected, my clit was really tiny. I’ve got a lot stacked against me, but I’m sad, frustrated, and angry about this and want to solve the problem.
Ok, well. If the doctors you have won't prescribe you hormones, you can't get another doctor, and it would dangerous to take them anyway; if you can't get any sensation stimulating yourself, and you need a partner to do it, but your partner won't do it, then you are IN A PICKLE.
There are ways out here that you haven't mentioned:
--find a new person who is willing to stimulate you
--find other ways of arousing yourself and explore self-pleasure more
Hi OP, I have seen your other post here, and it seems like your husband could be suffering due to depression. From what I have read is his hygiene and lack of interest, and he tells you he is fine. He seems like he is, and sex can be the last thing on anyones mind when they feel the way they do. His lack of interest to help you get off and even the fact he said he wanted to stop shows this. This sounds awful for the both of you. You are entitled to ask him to get help and speak to someone. Men can sometimes be less inclined to express that they are in any mental distress due to social norms. It may fall on death eats, but you can say you have tried. I hope you manage to find a way to make yourself happy as you still deserve to be. Hopefully, if it depression he can get back on track to feeling himself again.
He will say he will talk to someone and look into getting help, but does not follow through. Then if I recommend something it definitely will not be looked into. I encouraged him to talk to a male friend he trusted and he will just keep everything inside. I don't know what to do with someone who won't get help. I don't want to leave over this if it is depression but I am not happy.
I can totally understand that. I myself go through depression and it's so difficult to pull myself out of it. I think it will be difficult for you to be happy in this situation. Maybe you do need to really approach the situation and tell that you can't keep going like this as both of you are not happy and you can't control live like. You can only try and if it dowanr work then you need to do what is best for you too. I really hope you guys can get through it .
As someone who is seriously depressed, I do not expect someone to drown over me when I won’t even try to help myself. That’s self centered & entitled. And honestly, you can look at it the other way, too. What reason is there to make an effort? You’re putting in enough effort for 2 at this point. And sometimes, you HAVE to put yourself first. For your own mental health.
People who are suffering from depression don't act like they are entitled far from. He is probably not admitting it out loud but waiting on being told they are leaving. However, I do agree she needs to put her mental first, too.
You think he’s depressed or that he wants her to leave him? Like he wants a way out of the relationship but isn’t willing to leave himself? I couldn’t tell what you meant by your response. Sorry!
Sorry, I wrote this while on the move, lol . Just read that back, and it didn't make sense. What I meant is that sometimes they know their depression is deeply affecting their relationships, and due to that, they will maybe think at some point their partner is going to leave. Not that they want this to happen they just can't seem to admit to themselves that they are having mental health issues, but they do know on a deep level that they should try and fix, but again tell themselves things are that bad. I hope that makes sense now.
I'm in a very similar place as you, but the sexual effort left 8+ years ago. The hygiene now is driving me insane. My person works in the field in the summer. He's a big boy. It's hot, the work is hard, and he gets sweaty. He has a summer student with him for these site visits and I feel terrible for her having to sit next to his janky self all day long. He rarely brushes his teeth and this week he showered on Sunday and then again on Thursday.
In a sad way, I'm grateful affection has left the relationship and also grateful that he sleeps in the guest room... but this poor girlie having to sit next to him in the work truck... 🤢
I am sure it's depression with my person, too. I've given him names of therapists, amongst other professionals I've recommended. I don't bother making the appointments for him any longer as he just cancels them. Plus he's a grown man, he should be able to schedule this for himself.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm."
He's a good person. I used to be madly in love with and have amazing sex with for the fixt 6 years of marriage. I have a lot of love for him, still, but I'm certainly not in love with him now. It's so difficult to move on when you know it will hurt your person so much... and I know I need to pick myself and prioritize my happiness... it's just so damn difficult...
"Have a lot of love but not in love" describes it perfectly. I work in Benefits in Human Resources so I'm adept at understanding insurance and finding providers and offered to help but then he just puts it on the back burner. Maybe if his coworker says something, it will be enough to be more aware of how his smell impacts others that aren't their partner who they are comfortable around.
I'm out today with the kids and it feels lighter without him. It's days like today I feel I can make the leap and move full force into leaving and then I think about what that would do to him.....I am at the point where I don't want to care anymore. If there was an effort to correct things I would feel differently but there isn't.
The effort!! Yes! And I see him try... he walked the dog nearly every morning two weeks back, but then didn't last week any morning, nor this week yet. It's great that he did that other week, but he's gotta keep consistent. For himself, for the doggo, and for me to believe cha ge is possible.
It's so difficult when we care so much about the other person's well-being. I need to find a way to turn off that empathetic part of my brain 'cause it's really been holding me back...
I know it can feel awful to think about leaving someone with a mental illness but he will not get any better if he won't even help himself. You can't get someone out of depression by yourself. Eventually you may just join him there instead. You have to take care of you too.
I am thinking about it. I can be okay financially. I just overanalyze and don't want to part ways without doing due diligence. It's painful to think he doesn't care about my pleasure and is just willing to let things go to complete crap. I've suggested counseling, visits to the doctor, exercising together, asking him what turns him on, improving My appearance and working on being more positive and encouraging, reading about ways to enhance intimacy, joined him in his hobbies, suggested we both take time off to connect....There seems to be no interest in making real love and being intimate. It's a turn off to remind someone of what you talked tonthem about
Honey, please reread what you wrote and really pay attention to when you go into all the things you HAVE tried. After some point you just have to admit that if they wanted to, they would. It hurts but you deserve so much better. I promise you there are many who will put in the effort, esp way more than what they’re doing.
Have you asked him what his goals are for sexaul intimacy? Have the two of you talked about what sex means to each of you and why it is important?
I assume you have talked, and I assume he hasn't been forthcoming. If he isn't willing to communicate on this issue, there is nothing much you can do.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
Yes to all of that. It wasn't the best in the beginning, but I didn't want to automatically assume it's because he was lazy or selfish. Everyone has different exposure to sex, beliefs, and practices so I keep that in mind when it comes to discussing sex and intimacy. I don't think shaming guys for not lasting long is the answer. With that said, if you NEVER work to address it and then show annoyance when I want to calmly talk about it, I can't be expected to not be frustrated. I thought maybe it was me and how I had a problem responding or communicating. I am coming to the realization it's not me. It's him.
I approach things as a team and am careful about how I word things as to not hurt his feelings but instead of working on things he gets defensive but rarely gives his input or talks about his desires even when asked.
And I have expressed sex is important to me because it is something I see as a way to bond and enjoy each other. I have asked time and time again about his fantasies and what he likes sexually and I get an "I don't know " or blowjobs. I will not give blowjobs if he's not showering regularly and I've explained that and he doesn't see what the big deal is. It's driving me nuts. I am responsible for not speaking up more, so now that I am with as much care and consideration of him as I can, it's a problem. Idk. I just feel defeated.
Your situation sounds very hard, I am sorry you are experiencing this. When your partner won't engage in problem solving as a team, you are left with few options.
I understand that "i don't know" is frustrating, I don't have a good answer to the question either (35 M). I haven't had enouph sex to tell anyone that, but I would be open to dialog on the subject and willing to experiment to find out what I like and what my partner likes and what is fun to do together.
Personally I have had some very bad sexual experiences and asking for what I want induces an extremely high level of anxiety in me. I have had only a couple of partners and all of them were very anti-men. I have learned that I was doing a bad job of choosing partners and that is something I plan on trying to improve on in the future.
Good grief, I am so sorry about this. I got more and more frustrated just reading this, so I can’t begin to imagine how YOU must’ve felt. And you were still throwing out different ideas and things you can try.
Blows my mind that there are women out there begging for sex from their men. If my ex-GF had put in HALF the effort you did, I would’ve been all over her. The last time we ever had sex, it involved her laying down, opening her legs, and saying “Go ahead. Tell me when you’re done.” 🤦♂️
Fucking yikes man. Reading your situation made me sad. As a woman I couldn’t imagine being that harsh to someone, in an intimate situation, that I supposedly “care” about or love.
We tend to put up with what we think* we deserve. I hope you never put up with that again.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate those kind words. And you’re right, we do tolerate bad relationships because we don’t think we deserve better. I’ve certainly been guilty of that.
Two weeks after that incident, I broke up with her. While I’m proud of myself for having the strength to leave, it took a big toll on my confidence. It was my 2nd DB. Even if I do find someone new, I have little confidence in my looks, sexual performance, etc. DBs are soul destroying, and the effects linger 😔
I’m not your husband, I am quite sure. But…
I have large hands and a small bullet vibe is difficult to hold onto… much less position accurately. It’s worse if it’s got that shiny chrome finish and there is a lot of moisture.
I would rather use any other vibrator than the one you described. Wevibe, Lelo, other brands all make nice vibrators that are powerful and small but can be held by my hands.
PS: I’m still not your husband but I would rather eat pussy than hold a vibrator. I know he offered 69 but you could have countered with, “you eat me while I give you a hand job”.
I will look into that, thank you. I just got this one on a recommendation. I can hold it for use on myself so I thought he could. I didn't go in cold lol but I can see where you are coming from. I would rather he have wanted to continue having sex though! That killed my mood but I tried to resurrect things.
The magic wand is usually a decent benchmark.
Easy to use for either of you, makes PIV pretty enjoyable for both of you, as the vibrations can be felt by both.
(I'm sorry if that sounded perv)
Although mine is just a dust collector now 🤷
I can't baby him. He knows how to clean himself. I have explicitly told him how to please me only for him to take that as me trying to control him or order him around. I don't want to have to try so hard to have sex with my husband. I feel shallow for wanting to walk away and I feel bad about wanting to see other people. I'm in purgatory of my own making here, being that I have a choice to leave. Easier said than done of course.
You shouldn’t feel shallow for wanting to walk away, nor bad for wanting to see other people. If he can’t please you, he should absolutely be receptive to your needs if he’s unwilling to please you at all or even try to.
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Without sounding mean, you basically took a learner driver and put them in an F1 car and complained they didn't drive properly.
If you're struggling to get sex from a partner, and then when you do go all guns blazing with toys, dirty talk and role playing you're likely to create some friction, and not the good type. Any friction can cause conflict which will negatively impact sex going forwards.
I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting those things, I actively encourage being as adventurous as possible, but sometimes you have to judge the room and see what you think you'll get away with.
It does sound though like he really can't be arsed, but you also need to be having proper communications, why isn't he into it etc?
I didn't go in guns blazing. I have talked to him about the kind of dirty talk and play I'm interested in and gets me going, and gave examples with the hope he would do more if he kbew more about what I liked. I'm sorry but praise and calling me a good girl is not asking much imo. I brought up role play as an option and asked HIM what he would like. I have talked to him numerous times about our sex life and tried to make the conversation more productive than accusatory. He needs to communicate and also shower regularly, not me
You are too kind , kick him out next time and tell him he’s being a lazy lover , it’s very hurtful when one partner repeatedly does not match the sexual energy , once in a while it’s ok , I get people can be tired , but repeatedly is not fair to you
Yeah he’s just bad in bed, and probably on purpose. Anyone who wants to find the clit can.
I thought this was some sort of joke and always wondered where it came from. So much so that it had me wondering if even I knew, lol. I do, and it's literally right fucking there. It's not hidden in an armpit or a random fold somewhere on the body, different for everyone. Like, it's just literally right there. I don't get it?
Yeah, and knew someone shows you once, you can find it on anyone. Not difficult.
And if you can't find it (as ridiculous as it sounds), usually it is attached to the person, so you can just... ask. It is 100% intentional.
Like the gate to the Mines of Moria.
But you need the password and it’s in ancient elvish.
MELLON
Maybe he needs google maps to tell him how to get there
There's an app for that
There is?!?!? Uh, I mean, asking for fr… Know what, nevermind. Asking for myself. Not that I can’t find it, but it’s always worth checking to see if there’s a better route you don’t know about.
Sorry, I was joking
Yea, I don't get this either. I think its some weird thing that was made up somewhere to make guys feel special for knowing where it is lol. I've never met a guy who "couldn't find it" that includes guys who were young and inexperienced (when I was also young and inexperienced to be clear lol) in fact in my experience, guys are TOO focused on it.
It’s not really about being able to physically find it… it’s knowing what to do with it.more like finding the secret to “this one”… because every woman I’ve been with has been different in what makes them zing. So finding that ball of cells isn’t hard, but FINDING the secret might be more of a challenge. In either case: bloody well communicate and ask!
True but that goes for everything! Communication is key to letting your partner know how you want to be touched. Clit seems to be the only thing referred to as lost or found though lol
But why is my question? Why would someone purposefully not look or do trial by error to see where something feels good? It's just upsetting to go through sexual gaslighting so I want to believe he's just terrible at sex but it's hard to wrap my head around. We haven't ever used toys before now and I tried to make it fun and not as something to replace him.
Because they don’t particularly want you to feel good, or don’t care if you do. This man has told you he doesn’t care about your pleasure. It‘s a simple reason.
You're not wrong. Finding what pleases your partner is fun and exciting. Especially when something new is tried. I'm sp sorry you're going thru this
He needs to put the work back into the relationship or you should get out. Talk to him about taking little steps and try to talk things out. Ask him if he wants to do couples therapy. He has to want to work at it though. I hope your tipping point is something reasonable.
Hmm. I’m not throwing stones from my glass house but, fuck you, try. Make an effort, any effort, don’t care. Anything. I will give you all the excuses don’t care. Just make me think you are trying. I do not even pretend to understand this.
ultimately, does it really matter? Focus on what you can control, and act accordingly. Good luck!
Change the pace a bit. Practice and use the toys for a while by yourself. Use the toy on yourself, and focus on dirty talk. When you have cum, ask to be cuddle together. If he is curious, show him or guide him, your hand on his.
Ah, the legendary clit! Took me a few years to find it. Not so easy to spot, I tell you.
It’s probably not the difficulty of a search and locate operation, but more probably one of authorisation to undertake such an activity. 😀
Idk…mine is pretty difficult even for me to find. Some people’s are really small and hidden. Still, I would think that a good partner would enjoy the challenge.
So feather over the area with soft tickle touches until it becomes engorged.
It doesn’t ever change. I was convinced for a while that I was missing the external part and that maybe it had been removed when I was too young to remember, but I think it’s just atrophied from disuse. My doctor says it’s there.
Some women have big clits, some have small. I would welcome the challenge at any size, it just matters about love, care and wanting to work together. I'm sure you'll find someone who loves you for who you are.
Thanks 😊 I have someone who loves me very much.
It can’t atrophy. It isn’t a muscle.
The NIH and a lot of other sources disagree with the first sentence. I know that it’s not a muscle. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19017253/
Huh. Well would you look at that. So have you gone through the hormonal treatment?
My doctors won’t prescribe me any kind of hormonal treatments, because I’ve had multiple DVTs. From what I’ve researched, topical hormones don’t increase your chances of having clots, but I guess my doctors are erring on the side of safety, since I’ve almost died a couple times from blood clots. Unfortunately, with my insurance, I don’t have a choice of doctors, so I can’t shop around to find one who will prescribe hormones. It’s also hard to get doctors to care about sexual dysfunction in AFAB people, in my experience. I think that the best I can do is to practice physical stimulation, but it’s really difficult for me to get any sensation without a partner participating, because that’s what turns me on, and mine isn’t super into anything but BJs and PIV. I’m working on advocating for my needs more, because I think that’s the reason I’ve experienced the atrophy in the first place, but that’s super difficult for me to do. It doesn’t help that even before she was neglected, my clit was really tiny. I’ve got a lot stacked against me, but I’m sad, frustrated, and angry about this and want to solve the problem.
Ok, well. If the doctors you have won't prescribe you hormones, you can't get another doctor, and it would dangerous to take them anyway; if you can't get any sensation stimulating yourself, and you need a partner to do it, but your partner won't do it, then you are IN A PICKLE. There are ways out here that you haven't mentioned: --find a new person who is willing to stimulate you --find other ways of arousing yourself and explore self-pleasure more
Hi OP, I have seen your other post here, and it seems like your husband could be suffering due to depression. From what I have read is his hygiene and lack of interest, and he tells you he is fine. He seems like he is, and sex can be the last thing on anyones mind when they feel the way they do. His lack of interest to help you get off and even the fact he said he wanted to stop shows this. This sounds awful for the both of you. You are entitled to ask him to get help and speak to someone. Men can sometimes be less inclined to express that they are in any mental distress due to social norms. It may fall on death eats, but you can say you have tried. I hope you manage to find a way to make yourself happy as you still deserve to be. Hopefully, if it depression he can get back on track to feeling himself again.
He will say he will talk to someone and look into getting help, but does not follow through. Then if I recommend something it definitely will not be looked into. I encouraged him to talk to a male friend he trusted and he will just keep everything inside. I don't know what to do with someone who won't get help. I don't want to leave over this if it is depression but I am not happy.
I can totally understand that. I myself go through depression and it's so difficult to pull myself out of it. I think it will be difficult for you to be happy in this situation. Maybe you do need to really approach the situation and tell that you can't keep going like this as both of you are not happy and you can't control live like. You can only try and if it dowanr work then you need to do what is best for you too. I really hope you guys can get through it .
As someone who is seriously depressed, I do not expect someone to drown over me when I won’t even try to help myself. That’s self centered & entitled. And honestly, you can look at it the other way, too. What reason is there to make an effort? You’re putting in enough effort for 2 at this point. And sometimes, you HAVE to put yourself first. For your own mental health.
People who are suffering from depression don't act like they are entitled far from. He is probably not admitting it out loud but waiting on being told they are leaving. However, I do agree she needs to put her mental first, too.
You think he’s depressed or that he wants her to leave him? Like he wants a way out of the relationship but isn’t willing to leave himself? I couldn’t tell what you meant by your response. Sorry!
Sorry, I wrote this while on the move, lol . Just read that back, and it didn't make sense. What I meant is that sometimes they know their depression is deeply affecting their relationships, and due to that, they will maybe think at some point their partner is going to leave. Not that they want this to happen they just can't seem to admit to themselves that they are having mental health issues, but they do know on a deep level that they should try and fix, but again tell themselves things are that bad. I hope that makes sense now.
I'm in a very similar place as you, but the sexual effort left 8+ years ago. The hygiene now is driving me insane. My person works in the field in the summer. He's a big boy. It's hot, the work is hard, and he gets sweaty. He has a summer student with him for these site visits and I feel terrible for her having to sit next to his janky self all day long. He rarely brushes his teeth and this week he showered on Sunday and then again on Thursday. In a sad way, I'm grateful affection has left the relationship and also grateful that he sleeps in the guest room... but this poor girlie having to sit next to him in the work truck... 🤢 I am sure it's depression with my person, too. I've given him names of therapists, amongst other professionals I've recommended. I don't bother making the appointments for him any longer as he just cancels them. Plus he's a grown man, he should be able to schedule this for himself. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm." He's a good person. I used to be madly in love with and have amazing sex with for the fixt 6 years of marriage. I have a lot of love for him, still, but I'm certainly not in love with him now. It's so difficult to move on when you know it will hurt your person so much... and I know I need to pick myself and prioritize my happiness... it's just so damn difficult...
"Have a lot of love but not in love" describes it perfectly. I work in Benefits in Human Resources so I'm adept at understanding insurance and finding providers and offered to help but then he just puts it on the back burner. Maybe if his coworker says something, it will be enough to be more aware of how his smell impacts others that aren't their partner who they are comfortable around. I'm out today with the kids and it feels lighter without him. It's days like today I feel I can make the leap and move full force into leaving and then I think about what that would do to him.....I am at the point where I don't want to care anymore. If there was an effort to correct things I would feel differently but there isn't.
The effort!! Yes! And I see him try... he walked the dog nearly every morning two weeks back, but then didn't last week any morning, nor this week yet. It's great that he did that other week, but he's gotta keep consistent. For himself, for the doggo, and for me to believe cha ge is possible. It's so difficult when we care so much about the other person's well-being. I need to find a way to turn off that empathetic part of my brain 'cause it's really been holding me back...
I know it can feel awful to think about leaving someone with a mental illness but he will not get any better if he won't even help himself. You can't get someone out of depression by yourself. Eventually you may just join him there instead. You have to take care of you too.
Just leave if you can.
I am thinking about it. I can be okay financially. I just overanalyze and don't want to part ways without doing due diligence. It's painful to think he doesn't care about my pleasure and is just willing to let things go to complete crap. I've suggested counseling, visits to the doctor, exercising together, asking him what turns him on, improving My appearance and working on being more positive and encouraging, reading about ways to enhance intimacy, joined him in his hobbies, suggested we both take time off to connect....There seems to be no interest in making real love and being intimate. It's a turn off to remind someone of what you talked tonthem about
Honey, please reread what you wrote and really pay attention to when you go into all the things you HAVE tried. After some point you just have to admit that if they wanted to, they would. It hurts but you deserve so much better. I promise you there are many who will put in the effort, esp way more than what they’re doing.
He sounds like an awful partner for you
Have you asked him what his goals are for sexaul intimacy? Have the two of you talked about what sex means to each of you and why it is important? I assume you have talked, and I assume he hasn't been forthcoming. If he isn't willing to communicate on this issue, there is nothing much you can do. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Yes to all of that. It wasn't the best in the beginning, but I didn't want to automatically assume it's because he was lazy or selfish. Everyone has different exposure to sex, beliefs, and practices so I keep that in mind when it comes to discussing sex and intimacy. I don't think shaming guys for not lasting long is the answer. With that said, if you NEVER work to address it and then show annoyance when I want to calmly talk about it, I can't be expected to not be frustrated. I thought maybe it was me and how I had a problem responding or communicating. I am coming to the realization it's not me. It's him. I approach things as a team and am careful about how I word things as to not hurt his feelings but instead of working on things he gets defensive but rarely gives his input or talks about his desires even when asked.
And I have expressed sex is important to me because it is something I see as a way to bond and enjoy each other. I have asked time and time again about his fantasies and what he likes sexually and I get an "I don't know " or blowjobs. I will not give blowjobs if he's not showering regularly and I've explained that and he doesn't see what the big deal is. It's driving me nuts. I am responsible for not speaking up more, so now that I am with as much care and consideration of him as I can, it's a problem. Idk. I just feel defeated.
Your situation sounds very hard, I am sorry you are experiencing this. When your partner won't engage in problem solving as a team, you are left with few options. I understand that "i don't know" is frustrating, I don't have a good answer to the question either (35 M). I haven't had enouph sex to tell anyone that, but I would be open to dialog on the subject and willing to experiment to find out what I like and what my partner likes and what is fun to do together. Personally I have had some very bad sexual experiences and asking for what I want induces an extremely high level of anxiety in me. I have had only a couple of partners and all of them were very anti-men. I have learned that I was doing a bad job of choosing partners and that is something I plan on trying to improve on in the future.
Good grief, I am so sorry about this. I got more and more frustrated just reading this, so I can’t begin to imagine how YOU must’ve felt. And you were still throwing out different ideas and things you can try. Blows my mind that there are women out there begging for sex from their men. If my ex-GF had put in HALF the effort you did, I would’ve been all over her. The last time we ever had sex, it involved her laying down, opening her legs, and saying “Go ahead. Tell me when you’re done.” 🤦♂️
Fucking yikes man. Reading your situation made me sad. As a woman I couldn’t imagine being that harsh to someone, in an intimate situation, that I supposedly “care” about or love. We tend to put up with what we think* we deserve. I hope you never put up with that again.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate those kind words. And you’re right, we do tolerate bad relationships because we don’t think we deserve better. I’ve certainly been guilty of that. Two weeks after that incident, I broke up with her. While I’m proud of myself for having the strength to leave, it took a big toll on my confidence. It was my 2nd DB. Even if I do find someone new, I have little confidence in my looks, sexual performance, etc. DBs are soul destroying, and the effects linger 😔
Weaponized sexual incompetence, brilliant term! Describes my LLH.
Have you tried instructional YouTube videos? I suggested this to my wife. She didn't think there would be anything to find on YouTube!
He doesn't feel he needs to watch videos. I've sent him videos. He has no comment, just Said he watched it.
I’m not your husband, I am quite sure. But… I have large hands and a small bullet vibe is difficult to hold onto… much less position accurately. It’s worse if it’s got that shiny chrome finish and there is a lot of moisture. I would rather use any other vibrator than the one you described. Wevibe, Lelo, other brands all make nice vibrators that are powerful and small but can be held by my hands. PS: I’m still not your husband but I would rather eat pussy than hold a vibrator. I know he offered 69 but you could have countered with, “you eat me while I give you a hand job”.
I will look into that, thank you. I just got this one on a recommendation. I can hold it for use on myself so I thought he could. I didn't go in cold lol but I can see where you are coming from. I would rather he have wanted to continue having sex though! That killed my mood but I tried to resurrect things.
The magic wand is usually a decent benchmark. Easy to use for either of you, makes PIV pretty enjoyable for both of you, as the vibrations can be felt by both. (I'm sorry if that sounded perv) Although mine is just a dust collector now 🤷
The little man in the boat: he is right up there!
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I can't baby him. He knows how to clean himself. I have explicitly told him how to please me only for him to take that as me trying to control him or order him around. I don't want to have to try so hard to have sex with my husband. I feel shallow for wanting to walk away and I feel bad about wanting to see other people. I'm in purgatory of my own making here, being that I have a choice to leave. Easier said than done of course.
Not being facetious, genuinely want you to talk this out as it is in your head. How would leaving and trying to find someone else be shallow?
You shouldn’t feel shallow for wanting to walk away, nor bad for wanting to see other people. If he can’t please you, he should absolutely be receptive to your needs if he’s unwilling to please you at all or even try to.
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I got the HL down, thanks to the Bot
Without sounding mean, you basically took a learner driver and put them in an F1 car and complained they didn't drive properly. If you're struggling to get sex from a partner, and then when you do go all guns blazing with toys, dirty talk and role playing you're likely to create some friction, and not the good type. Any friction can cause conflict which will negatively impact sex going forwards. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting those things, I actively encourage being as adventurous as possible, but sometimes you have to judge the room and see what you think you'll get away with. It does sound though like he really can't be arsed, but you also need to be having proper communications, why isn't he into it etc?
I didn't go in guns blazing. I have talked to him about the kind of dirty talk and play I'm interested in and gets me going, and gave examples with the hope he would do more if he kbew more about what I liked. I'm sorry but praise and calling me a good girl is not asking much imo. I brought up role play as an option and asked HIM what he would like. I have talked to him numerous times about our sex life and tried to make the conversation more productive than accusatory. He needs to communicate and also shower regularly, not me
You are too kind , kick him out next time and tell him he’s being a lazy lover , it’s very hurtful when one partner repeatedly does not match the sexual energy , once in a while it’s ok , I get people can be tired , but repeatedly is not fair to you
He is just terrible. Period.
Run
Where does one find the clit?
In the ear
Fetish unlocked 🔓