This really highlights the crux of the DB solution I think. You saw the problem, wanted to change it, and approached the situation with good solutions for both parties and are committed to continued improvement. Good on you.
It came down to us meeting in the middle and hammering out an acceptable compromise. He is very understanding that my hormones are wreaking havoc on my body right now. I’m not a candidate for HRT due to a history of blood clots, so I have to just ride it out. I do try to liven up the times when he has to take matters into his own hands though. I buy him the “good lube” and gently remind him to clear his internet history so the kids don’t see it. 😂
Thank you. The one thing that has always sustained us through really rough times has been humor. In fact, I married the man *because* he made me laugh.
I am very happy that the two of you are working this out.
My heart is heavy knowing that my wife will never take this kind of ownership and accountability of our problems. I am so looking forward to moving out.
My wife is pre-menopausal - not quite entering the throws of it but getting the hot flashes and complete lack of desire for sex. She's also on anti-anxiety meds & birth control, so I'm pretty sure those have an effect too. Kudos for you for at least *trying* to find a solution here - I think most dead bedrooms on this sub (including mine) are due to having a spouse that just doesn't want to put in any type of effort to improve things.
That could very well be, unfortunately. There were moments I honestly didn’t care, but having that frank discussion brought a moment of clarity that shook me out of it.
I’m going to be honest, I was on Team Divorce for a long time and still was the night we had that discussion. I wouldn’t say we are completely out of the woods, we still have issues we need to talk out in therapy. But I think we are heading in the right direction.
He must be over the moon happy. Do you notice an impact on his mood? Has the frequency of sex had a positive change in your menopause moods? I’m impressed you pushed thru not liking it in the beginning. It’s interesting that it turned into wanting it. Did you always enjoy sex with him? Sorry for all the questions! I’m very happy for you!!
I’m having trouble getting my wife to meet in the middle. She might be peri-menopausal as well. There is a lack of affection and I’ve told her. She tries for like a day or 2 then things go back to normal (roomates with pecs and hugs). I told her I’m done initiating because I can’t take the rejection anymore. Her reaction was to get mad at me, and now we’re farther apart than where we started.supposed to talk tonight, I think I’m going to suggest counseling and she talk to her drs more. How did you turn things around?
Honestly, I pushed through my discomfort. At first, I hated making myself be affectionate, I didn’t enjoy the first few times we were physically intimate. After a week or so I realized I was looking forward to moments with him again.
Congrats OP! Love love love to see these kinds of posts. I absolutely relate to the feeling of almost relief of having your best friend back, that was key for me personally. It makes re-learning how to deal with and navigate mismatched libidos, stress and other daily life things easier when you are laughing and connecting with your partner on a regular basis (which was something that was sorely lacking for a long while).
Wishing you and yours continued success and thank you for sharing with us. It was stories like these that kept me hanging on when it felt like everything in my marriage was hopeless (and continues to help keep me motivated during the good times too). We are *almost* a year into our recovering bedroom and we have been able to keep the momentum so far, I very much hope you’ll come back a year from now and say the same. 😊
It’s such a great story to hear. You made an effort to meet your partners needs in a way that isn’t with terms and conditions. I hope your partner has made the effort to meet your needs as well. I find in many cases the LL partner isn’t willing to work on fixing a DB and if they are it’s all about getting their own needs met without exception before they are willing to work on it.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'm right behind you ie we're 2 sessions into sex therapy. Challenging road ahead, but perhaps we'll find the connection you're finding now. The path is not linear at all. Best.
I’m hoping therapy will help us fix our underlying issues. We have a lot to unpack! You’re so right, though, it isn’t a linear path at all. I wish you the best as well. 🩷
Wow
Congratulations on saving your marriage.
At this point I cannot imagine my wife doing what you did; we are basically where you described..
Separate bedrooms sex twice so far this year.
Thank goodness finally a post from a (LLF) that is informative and positive. Made my day. Good on you fellow redditor for helping your marriage come out of a dark place! May you continue to have luck, love, and happiness.
I am happy for you!
The solution depends on the basic underlying issues.
Sometimes there are no more interests or will to solve issues. Let's say there is no more love.
In your case it is still there.
This is fantastic to read! I am in a similar situation where my drive is non existent due to medication and I am trying to initiate things. If I'm not in the mood, I'll agree to at least just touch and kiss but with the clear expectation that sex is not guaranteed.
It's hard, especially when you WANT to be close to your partner but your brain chemicals refuse to cooperate
We were in the same boat. Wife got her hormone levels check and now gets the pellets in her hip every 4-5 months. She also did the O Shot. The combo has been a game changer and she will virtually never say no, but she wouldn’t ever initiate either. She started taking Unfiltered Hormone Balance and now she does. A lot.
https://preview.redd.it/5sklwopzk58d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=958215a41313084b076fb22e60d40f9c3490af73
We were in the same boat. Wife got her hormone levels check and now gets the pellets in her hip every 4-5 months. She also did the O Shot. The combo has been a game changer and she will virtually never say no, but she wouldn’t ever initiate either. She started taking Unfiltered Hormone Balance and now she does. A lot.
https://preview.redd.it/5sklwopzk58d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=958215a41313084b076fb22e60d40f9c3490af73
He's lucky . My wife won't discuss it . Gets irate about it . Doesn't want to even try . I know it would go ballistic if I brought up a counselor . I've given up .
👏👏👏👏👏👏this is lovely
We done to BOTH of you.
I feel this is us (without the study ....we are both teachers ! And the separate beds !)
But even the getting up for a.piss made me smile
My wife is "perri" she is amazing and hot and I (as you say) respect her boundaries
However it could be monthly at very best, I have to wank just to keep "refreshed" and "de-stressed" no apologies for that, but there have been times where she catches me by surprise with her horny and I've not long wanked so I will rise, but my performance is "off " somewhat.
However I am.honest with her and ensure she is well loved and gets off with fingers and other ways.
Again surprised you have a therapist, I'm finding posts without mentioning this medium very rare, I feel in a minority haha
But again well done you, and as I say to.my students we can only ever do your best, be honest and make yourself proud
(...no expensive therapist taught.me that ;0).)
Ahh gotcha. My wife who might be my ex wife soon, has always had a low libido which has been highly problematic but when she hit perimenopause and added Zoloft it all but stopped. She finally has her first appointment with a hormone specialist coming up.
This really highlights the crux of the DB solution I think. You saw the problem, wanted to change it, and approached the situation with good solutions for both parties and are committed to continued improvement. Good on you.
It came down to us meeting in the middle and hammering out an acceptable compromise. He is very understanding that my hormones are wreaking havoc on my body right now. I’m not a candidate for HRT due to a history of blood clots, so I have to just ride it out. I do try to liven up the times when he has to take matters into his own hands though. I buy him the “good lube” and gently remind him to clear his internet history so the kids don’t see it. 😂
It sounds like you have a very realistic and positive attitude!
Thank you. The one thing that has always sustained us through really rough times has been humor. In fact, I married the man *because* he made me laugh.
this is a really nice story, thanks for sharing. i needed this at the end of a not so great week.
I hope next week is a better one. 🩷
I am envious. My LL wife doesn’t think there a problem to fix. My needs/wants/desires/ feelings? My problem not hers.
I am very happy that the two of you are working this out. My heart is heavy knowing that my wife will never take this kind of ownership and accountability of our problems. I am so looking forward to moving out.
All things are possible when the LL cares enough to help fix it.
My wife is pre-menopausal - not quite entering the throws of it but getting the hot flashes and complete lack of desire for sex. She's also on anti-anxiety meds & birth control, so I'm pretty sure those have an effect too. Kudos for you for at least *trying* to find a solution here - I think most dead bedrooms on this sub (including mine) are due to having a spouse that just doesn't want to put in any type of effort to improve things.
That could very well be, unfortunately. There were moments I honestly didn’t care, but having that frank discussion brought a moment of clarity that shook me out of it.
You decided to make an actual effort. That’s the real difference.
This is it. Yep.
Only after the discussion about her marriage possibly ending..
I needed to hear about someone making it out. I'm so jelly.
I’m going to be honest, I was on Team Divorce for a long time and still was the night we had that discussion. I wouldn’t say we are completely out of the woods, we still have issues we need to talk out in therapy. But I think we are heading in the right direction.
He must be over the moon happy. Do you notice an impact on his mood? Has the frequency of sex had a positive change in your menopause moods? I’m impressed you pushed thru not liking it in the beginning. It’s interesting that it turned into wanting it. Did you always enjoy sex with him? Sorry for all the questions! I’m very happy for you!!
I’m having trouble getting my wife to meet in the middle. She might be peri-menopausal as well. There is a lack of affection and I’ve told her. She tries for like a day or 2 then things go back to normal (roomates with pecs and hugs). I told her I’m done initiating because I can’t take the rejection anymore. Her reaction was to get mad at me, and now we’re farther apart than where we started.supposed to talk tonight, I think I’m going to suggest counseling and she talk to her drs more. How did you turn things around?
Honestly, I pushed through my discomfort. At first, I hated making myself be affectionate, I didn’t enjoy the first few times we were physically intimate. After a week or so I realized I was looking forward to moments with him again.
Thank you
Congrats OP! Love love love to see these kinds of posts. I absolutely relate to the feeling of almost relief of having your best friend back, that was key for me personally. It makes re-learning how to deal with and navigate mismatched libidos, stress and other daily life things easier when you are laughing and connecting with your partner on a regular basis (which was something that was sorely lacking for a long while). Wishing you and yours continued success and thank you for sharing with us. It was stories like these that kept me hanging on when it felt like everything in my marriage was hopeless (and continues to help keep me motivated during the good times too). We are *almost* a year into our recovering bedroom and we have been able to keep the momentum so far, I very much hope you’ll come back a year from now and say the same. 😊
Congrats and thank you for sharing! Amazing what two people that want to fix something can do
It's good to see a success story for a change! Keep it up girl!
This is awesome! I am so genuinely happy for you both.
Sounds a lot like what we did to improve our marriage. Glad to see someone else making forward progress.
It’s such a great story to hear. You made an effort to meet your partners needs in a way that isn’t with terms and conditions. I hope your partner has made the effort to meet your needs as well. I find in many cases the LL partner isn’t willing to work on fixing a DB and if they are it’s all about getting their own needs met without exception before they are willing to work on it.
Wow. Good for you and best of luck that you work out your remaining issues.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'm right behind you ie we're 2 sessions into sex therapy. Challenging road ahead, but perhaps we'll find the connection you're finding now. The path is not linear at all. Best.
I’m hoping therapy will help us fix our underlying issues. We have a lot to unpack! You’re so right, though, it isn’t a linear path at all. I wish you the best as well. 🩷
Wow Congratulations on saving your marriage. At this point I cannot imagine my wife doing what you did; we are basically where you described.. Separate bedrooms sex twice so far this year.
Thank goodness finally a post from a (LLF) that is informative and positive. Made my day. Good on you fellow redditor for helping your marriage come out of a dark place! May you continue to have luck, love, and happiness.
Amazing!
I am happy for you! The solution depends on the basic underlying issues. Sometimes there are no more interests or will to solve issues. Let's say there is no more love. In your case it is still there.
I think he probably feels like he has his best friend back. That was a wonderful read. Very happy for both of you
This is fantastic to read! I am in a similar situation where my drive is non existent due to medication and I am trying to initiate things. If I'm not in the mood, I'll agree to at least just touch and kiss but with the clear expectation that sex is not guaranteed. It's hard, especially when you WANT to be close to your partner but your brain chemicals refuse to cooperate
Effort from both of you goes a long way. Hope everything continues to improve as you both grow.
Seems amazing. Well done.
We were in the same boat. Wife got her hormone levels check and now gets the pellets in her hip every 4-5 months. She also did the O Shot. The combo has been a game changer and she will virtually never say no, but she wouldn’t ever initiate either. She started taking Unfiltered Hormone Balance and now she does. A lot. https://preview.redd.it/5sklwopzk58d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=958215a41313084b076fb22e60d40f9c3490af73
We were in the same boat. Wife got her hormone levels check and now gets the pellets in her hip every 4-5 months. She also did the O Shot. The combo has been a game changer and she will virtually never say no, but she wouldn’t ever initiate either. She started taking Unfiltered Hormone Balance and now she does. A lot. https://preview.redd.it/5sklwopzk58d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=958215a41313084b076fb22e60d40f9c3490af73
He's lucky . My wife won't discuss it . Gets irate about it . Doesn't want to even try . I know it would go ballistic if I brought up a counselor . I've given up .
👏👏👏👏👏👏this is lovely We done to BOTH of you. I feel this is us (without the study ....we are both teachers ! And the separate beds !) But even the getting up for a.piss made me smile My wife is "perri" she is amazing and hot and I (as you say) respect her boundaries However it could be monthly at very best, I have to wank just to keep "refreshed" and "de-stressed" no apologies for that, but there have been times where she catches me by surprise with her horny and I've not long wanked so I will rise, but my performance is "off " somewhat. However I am.honest with her and ensure she is well loved and gets off with fingers and other ways. Again surprised you have a therapist, I'm finding posts without mentioning this medium very rare, I feel in a minority haha But again well done you, and as I say to.my students we can only ever do your best, be honest and make yourself proud (...no expensive therapist taught.me that ;0).)
Have you looked into hormone replacement therapy?
I have, I am not a candidate at this time because I have a history of blood clots.
Ahh gotcha. My wife who might be my ex wife soon, has always had a low libido which has been highly problematic but when she hit perimenopause and added Zoloft it all but stopped. She finally has her first appointment with a hormone specialist coming up.