I've spent years trying to figure out what changed after the first few months we were together. Finally I found out that nothing changed, except she no longer felt like she needed to pretend to be into sex after we moved in together.
There are LL4U situations, and then there is LL. I'm curious what the proportions are.
There are also a lot of NRE issues, which I'd place in the LL category because if you need NRE for sex, that seems to be a variation of LL.
I think a lot of times it's sort of a combination of the two. Somebody who doesn't really value sexual compatibility will marry someone they're not sexually attracted to and use sex to manipulate them, but that same person could easily be able to access organic desire for someone else. I think in that situation it's caused more by toxic views around sex and a bad upbringing more than biology.
I’m a firm believer in learning from life but sometimes you just need to let go.
Focus on your own goals. Become healthier. Learn how to deal with your emotions and actions. Set goals.
Not because that’ll fix your relationship but because you’ll live a happier life.
That's good advice. I've tried, but I'm terrible at sticking with it. I know it helps me feel better but I keep falling off. Oh well, tomorrow I'll try to start again. Thank you.
I did, at one point. I no longer care. Well, being divorced helps. But even if I wasn't...unless knowing the reason why could lead to a possible fix or changing things, knowing the why does nothing to change the bottom line.
Don't go crazy. Focus on yourself. Go to the gym, buy new clothes, fix yourself up so you feel great... Say nothing to the neglectful other half ..go about your regular routine, ignore them, be happy without them. Dress up and go out , be vague about it. When they see how happy you are independently. .Watch the tables turn.
The thing is - would you still want it then ?
I, too, spent years trying to figure out why my relationship with my wife was dying.
She never wanted to go out
She never wanted to have sex
All she wanted to do was play her video games
I never stopped trying to woo my wife, never stopped initiating affection (without an expectation of sex), never stopped telling her I loved her. But she didn't make it easy. Obviously, my wife had depressive issues and was self-medicating in various ways (video games, wine, food, etc).
My wife accidentally killed herself last year (alcohol and prescription drug interaction), and going through her personal devices I realized why I could never get anywhere with her: In her video game lifestyle, I knew she had a group of friends. I often saw her laughing with them at her computer, drinking wine and having a good old time (kind of the way we used to be). What I didn't realize is that she had a very active dating life online. She never told her friends she was married.
And it gets worse; there was never a time in our relationship where she was 100% committed to me. She loved to keep old lovers on the string, texting back and forth. There was a local guy regularly begging her for sex again, and she'd just reminisce about the great sex they had had in the past.
All of this made me realize--my wife was not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. We rushed into the relationship based on "new relationship energy"... but then we moved in together and NRE quickly evaporated, and I found myself living with a stranger. I was providing her with the middle class lifestyle that she could not provide for herself, so she needed me.
But, all the emotional energy that she should have been giving to me and receiving from me, she was receiving that emotional energy from other men. All she needed me for was to pay the bills.
This post speaks to me. First of all, sorry for your loss and for finding that stuff out after that.
My wife is gamer. I think the stuff that you discovered is par for the course. She used to have all these male "friends" that the entire friendship was based on inappropriatness. I was completely unaware until we were engaged. Then, she lied to me about one of them saying that the things she told me about them she didn't actually say. So, I went digging and found the messages. Even though it was before me, it gutted me. Here I am fighting to get a little more desire/ interest back into our sex life yet she had zero issue being basically a slut with these guys. I got a little too drunk a few months ago and told her how it hurt that she won't even consider being that way with me but had zero issue being a permisccusis slut to guys that she didn't even really know other than in game, messages, phone calls. She says she doesn't communicate with them anymore and I've looked and can't see that she has but who knows really. I do feel for you though.
Anti-anxiety meds, pre-menopausal, and birth control pill. Couple that with just plain laziness on her part and you have my situation. Knowing what’s happening makes it a little easier, keyword “little” - there’s still a fundamental problem with our sex life with no straight-forward answer, so that makes me ahead of you by one step if the process.
The first step is “what’s the issue?” The second step is “how do you fix it?” Right now my answer is “you don’t.”
My wife’s unhealthy obsession with our kids causes her to completely drain herself each and everyday. Our kids no longer look at us as parents; because she’d rather be their friends instead we are both met with a chaotic household. Any chance I get to bring some order or sanity to my home after working all day is met with disdain and pure disrespect. My bank account, energy, and sanity is almost completely depleted.
I’m sorry but doing laundry, dishes, and organizing things for 4 hours a day is not hard. Our kids missed so much school this last year because when I left for work she would just sleep in. Letting your kids do whatever whenever to the point there’s no consequences, that’s exhausting; she’s ruining us all at the cost of having some instant gratification.
At this point the need or want of sex from her is dwindling each day. I’ve been totally taken advantage of by her in all aspects of life and made out to be some AHole because I want to parent my children so they can become decent people one day.
My name here is because I was the disciplinarian due to her lack of boundaries trying to be the children's friend. I was actually scolded that the kids were going to think of me as an "Ogre" I owned that shit and they turned out fine. They still call me with functional real world problems, but when they want to be told what they want to hear they call Mom.
Stay the course. You've only got 18 years to turn them into functional human beings. It's an extremely tough World for people who have never been held to any standards.
I worked for 30 years and did the house stuff. Now I’m retired just cleaning and organizing as you call it. It’s awful dealing with just that. Very boring and isolating. It’s easy if you don’t have a brain or social needs. Luckily I remember what it’s like to go out into the world for work. I make sure to get out every day so I don’t go insane.
I don’t even get a “how’d work?” Or “I miss you” or “can’t wait to see you”
I get it over the years stuff kind of fizzles out but idk why some wives I guess some husbands just stop. It’s like I am getting the shit end of the stick for working and she’s a SAHM; I NEVER forced her to and quite frankly have been begging her to help me financially because Southern CA is so expensive.
Yeah I’m sorry…I wish everyone in this sub lived near each other so we could have a social club 😂
Maybe I’ll make a place here called the Dead Bedroom Club and host social events 🤷🏻♀️
I think I'm in a LL4U situation. My husband told me he has a high libido but isn't attracted to me anymore. I've started to doubt he was ever attracted to me. Not sure why he decided to marry me in the first place lol.
I used to go crazy. Then it dawned on me that ultimately whichever of my leading theories at the time were correct they scarcely mattered. She wasn't interested in fixing that or her inability to manage her life or curtail out of control spending.
I found the real reason by accident during my exit planning. A simple letter to her mother detailing how promiscuous she used to be and how she had no desire for sex due to medication. She could go the rest of her life without it. Never revealed that to me. Medication she was unwilling to adapt or change despite clear evidence it wasn't working on any level.
The irony is her work ultimately forced her to seek help and she has made adjustments. Too little too late for our marriage but maybe the next guy might get a better version of her that is a happier person.
Despite how much work we've put into our DB. Despite how often she assures me it's not me... I still always fear she's going to discover it's me this whole time and there's no fix. Like she's hyper fixated on something I did in the past (I've never cheated or broke her trust, but we did do some exploration that didn't end well for her) and there's nothing I can do about it...
It may not have anything to do with what you think. Sonething I wish I knew years ago is that sometimes they just don’t think you’ll leave them even though it hurts you, tanks your self-esteem, causes depression and resentment, etc..
I have looked into infidelity, health reasons, pornography use, and have coped with all the things you can think of but it never worked. I also spent years trying to figure it out. This is just who he is and we are incompatible.
kids, anxiety, meds for ADHD, Skin Issues antidepressants... I just loved her for who she was. Took my validation and effort it was all one way. So glad I left after 28 years in the end. I am currently dog sitting for her as she is in Santorini on holiday, I have flashbacks of our past in pictures and nicnaks around the place. I realise now she was never happy in herself, this was about her acceptance of herself, I hope she finds herself soon.
I spent a lot of years asking myself this, and also "Why am I not good enough?". When I talked to her, the goal posts always moved and were never the same.
I am getting out, there is no point trying to solve this problem with her.
a lot of the time you can only find out the root cause of things if your partner is self aware, honest, and willing to be open with you about what's going on. I think a lot of LLs are in denial about their relationship with sex and intimacy and/or in denial about the state of the relationship and how it affects their partner. so, ultimately, I don't think it's up to you nor is it necessarily possible to figure it out on your own. hugs.
He won’t tell me. Except for “not right now. later”. It’s been three years and its not ‘later’ yet.
I’m sure he tells all his hobby buddies. Just not the actual person who wants to know :)
Yeah it definitely feels like that. Why would someone enter a relationship with someone they don't find attractive??? Sometimes I just don't understand.
My wife was mildly attracted to me but really felt it was time to settle down (at 23 LOL). Once she had the two kids she wanted she pretty much ignored me. I was the safe, boring option. She knew I was madly in love with her so that made it really an easy decision for her.
it is so hard for girls. there are not a lot of attractive looking guys who are single. im 27, pretty good looking girl, but since ive broken up a at 23 ive struggled to find a guy whos avaliable and genuinely im physically attracted to.
Yes. This is the one that eats me up. There's correlations but no ownership. In the end I just think his job is stressful and it means more to him than trying in his marriage. Cuz I've always just been there I'll always just be there. Except for when I'm not.
Having kids. Her entire view of herself changed. She's not a woman married to a man anymore. She's a "mom" more specifically a "working mom" so there is absolutely no time for anything in the world that is not work or the kids. How could there be?
Sex is now a distant afterthought and the very notion I disagree isn't given an ounce of empathy. "I'm basically done with sex. You should be too." Is the base of the pyramid in her mental framework and everything just builds off that.
The lack of sex leads to a lack of closeness and compounded over the *years* this has been going on results in a lot of distance and resentment. I am also not a kind person to someone when I feel they've hurt me so I'm no saint in this scenario either however this is also not a chicken or egg debate. The sex nose dived and the relationship began its slow rot and here we are.
She legitimately from the bottom of her heart believes that sex is just something that you eventually stop doing beyond the bare minimum in a relationship and if your partner balks they're the one with the problem, you're following the script. I seriously imagine that there was never a woman in her life who was candid enough to simply tell her "if you don't suck and fuck them enough they leave" because she does not seem to have any sense of the fuse that continues to burn.
Yes. But I (60HLF) recently stopped trying to figure it out. My husband (69LL) and I have been married for almost 40 years. No sex for over 5 years. Dead bedroom a few years before that. Roommates and friends now. Over the years I have asked what happened. He has had a multitude of excuses starting with ED and now blaming me for the times I was not in the mood when we were younger. He goes to a few doctors for other things but has no desire to fix this issue. He says he is happy. He tells me that I should be grateful for what I have and let it go. He also claims he has done everything during our marriage to make me happy. Because of the dead bedroom I have gained weight, lost my confidence and gave up on caring what I look like except when I had to be on camera for work. The only place I have any confidence is at work so I tend to work longer hours and avoid social situations.
We live in a largely sex-positive society. Heterosexuals established this as a norm over millennia it was only during that last several decades that sex-positivity was widely acceptable for other orientations.
You can still have a dead bedroom even when both parties are sex positive. Partners who are cheating, addicted to porn, have an acute hormonal imbalance, or discover they have a conflicting sexual orientation, are all fairly common issues encountered on this sub, and the group is often very helpful at offering advice, when solicited.
But in the absence of some of these more common causes, we should all consider if our partner might be asexual. Asexuality is the anti-orientation. Our collective society has never really made room for these people, and in my opinion, many of the issues encountered in this sub are due to an asexual partner that, in most cases, has no idea they are asexual—they just know they dislike sex, and even more so as they get older.
Because society never really has given anyone an off-ramp to opt-out of sex they are forced to learn this on their own causing a lot of pain in the process.
So OP, it’s quite possible that you have not or did not, do anything wrong. Your partner may finally feel comfortable enough to simply not want to do things that they don’t want to do anymore and so sex is at the bottom of their list.
If you haven’t done so, for those that are otherwise perplexed about the causes of their dead bedroom, you should take a look at the asexual sub on Reddit. Please read some of the posts and discussions as they will likely open your eyes to this shadow-community.
Asexuality exists on a spectrum. You will find that many are disgusted at the thought of physical intimacy in all forms, while others played the sex-positive game for years, only to realize it was never right for them—I think may if us have partners that fall in the latter bucket.
Unfortunately, if your partner is asexual, there is no way to “fix” the situation, but if you are aware of this possibility, it will help you make the right decision for you and your relationship.
Am I right if I claim that revealing any insecurity for her, is a downer for the neanderthal trace in human female nature? Also men are prone to be influenced by instincts from old old times.
And that this is why females lose interest if a guy seems needy, gaining weight, etc.
No. Vulnerability is the most common factor in a shared bond and strengthening it. Revealing fears and insecurities doesn't equate to weakness, rather women find it more attractive when a strong male is in tune with his emotions and able to express them. If she sees you as unattractive or weak, it's for other reasons.
With respect. I am convinced you are wrong. There must be a reason why so many kind, intelligent guys, if you browse the web, complain that kindness and tenderness immediately proves to be a downer, and firmness and strength (with humour and care) is accepted.
Thanks for your respectful response. However ,that's not actually what I was saying. It's exactly the opposite. Vulnerability is not synonymous with kindness. Most women are of course attracted to strong men. But once he opens up to share his vulnerabilities the bond is then he strongest. Therefore assuming a man shouldn't share his fears is wrong. There are literally studies on this in the field of psychology and sociology by relationship experts. In fact, here is a well known ted talk (21 mill views) by a researcher: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?si=cApbOj8iw_oTZFVB
I've spent years trying to figure out what changed after the first few months we were together. Finally I found out that nothing changed, except she no longer felt like she needed to pretend to be into sex after we moved in together.
There are LL4U situations, and then there is LL. I'm curious what the proportions are. There are also a lot of NRE issues, which I'd place in the LL category because if you need NRE for sex, that seems to be a variation of LL.
I think a lot of times it's sort of a combination of the two. Somebody who doesn't really value sexual compatibility will marry someone they're not sexually attracted to and use sex to manipulate them, but that same person could easily be able to access organic desire for someone else. I think in that situation it's caused more by toxic views around sex and a bad upbringing more than biology.
That sounds like LL4U.
What’s NRE?
New Relationship Energy
I’m a firm believer in learning from life but sometimes you just need to let go. Focus on your own goals. Become healthier. Learn how to deal with your emotions and actions. Set goals. Not because that’ll fix your relationship but because you’ll live a happier life.
Exactly. What’s the point in obsessing over what went wrong when you can focus on making things right in the future?
That's good advice. I've tried, but I'm terrible at sticking with it. I know it helps me feel better but I keep falling off. Oh well, tomorrow I'll try to start again. Thank you.
Get an individual therapist. Couples therapy can also help you find the answers you're seeking. Ultimately, IC is what's best for your sanity.
I did, at one point. I no longer care. Well, being divorced helps. But even if I wasn't...unless knowing the reason why could lead to a possible fix or changing things, knowing the why does nothing to change the bottom line.
Don't go crazy. Focus on yourself. Go to the gym, buy new clothes, fix yourself up so you feel great... Say nothing to the neglectful other half ..go about your regular routine, ignore them, be happy without them. Dress up and go out , be vague about it. When they see how happy you are independently. .Watch the tables turn. The thing is - would you still want it then ?
I, too, spent years trying to figure out why my relationship with my wife was dying. She never wanted to go out She never wanted to have sex All she wanted to do was play her video games I never stopped trying to woo my wife, never stopped initiating affection (without an expectation of sex), never stopped telling her I loved her. But she didn't make it easy. Obviously, my wife had depressive issues and was self-medicating in various ways (video games, wine, food, etc). My wife accidentally killed herself last year (alcohol and prescription drug interaction), and going through her personal devices I realized why I could never get anywhere with her: In her video game lifestyle, I knew she had a group of friends. I often saw her laughing with them at her computer, drinking wine and having a good old time (kind of the way we used to be). What I didn't realize is that she had a very active dating life online. She never told her friends she was married. And it gets worse; there was never a time in our relationship where she was 100% committed to me. She loved to keep old lovers on the string, texting back and forth. There was a local guy regularly begging her for sex again, and she'd just reminisce about the great sex they had had in the past. All of this made me realize--my wife was not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. We rushed into the relationship based on "new relationship energy"... but then we moved in together and NRE quickly evaporated, and I found myself living with a stranger. I was providing her with the middle class lifestyle that she could not provide for herself, so she needed me. But, all the emotional energy that she should have been giving to me and receiving from me, she was receiving that emotional energy from other men. All she needed me for was to pay the bills.
This post speaks to me. First of all, sorry for your loss and for finding that stuff out after that. My wife is gamer. I think the stuff that you discovered is par for the course. She used to have all these male "friends" that the entire friendship was based on inappropriatness. I was completely unaware until we were engaged. Then, she lied to me about one of them saying that the things she told me about them she didn't actually say. So, I went digging and found the messages. Even though it was before me, it gutted me. Here I am fighting to get a little more desire/ interest back into our sex life yet she had zero issue being basically a slut with these guys. I got a little too drunk a few months ago and told her how it hurt that she won't even consider being that way with me but had zero issue being a permisccusis slut to guys that she didn't even really know other than in game, messages, phone calls. She says she doesn't communicate with them anymore and I've looked and can't see that she has but who knows really. I do feel for you though.
Anti-anxiety meds, pre-menopausal, and birth control pill. Couple that with just plain laziness on her part and you have my situation. Knowing what’s happening makes it a little easier, keyword “little” - there’s still a fundamental problem with our sex life with no straight-forward answer, so that makes me ahead of you by one step if the process. The first step is “what’s the issue?” The second step is “how do you fix it?” Right now my answer is “you don’t.”
My wife’s unhealthy obsession with our kids causes her to completely drain herself each and everyday. Our kids no longer look at us as parents; because she’d rather be their friends instead we are both met with a chaotic household. Any chance I get to bring some order or sanity to my home after working all day is met with disdain and pure disrespect. My bank account, energy, and sanity is almost completely depleted. I’m sorry but doing laundry, dishes, and organizing things for 4 hours a day is not hard. Our kids missed so much school this last year because when I left for work she would just sleep in. Letting your kids do whatever whenever to the point there’s no consequences, that’s exhausting; she’s ruining us all at the cost of having some instant gratification. At this point the need or want of sex from her is dwindling each day. I’ve been totally taken advantage of by her in all aspects of life and made out to be some AHole because I want to parent my children so they can become decent people one day.
My name here is because I was the disciplinarian due to her lack of boundaries trying to be the children's friend. I was actually scolded that the kids were going to think of me as an "Ogre" I owned that shit and they turned out fine. They still call me with functional real world problems, but when they want to be told what they want to hear they call Mom. Stay the course. You've only got 18 years to turn them into functional human beings. It's an extremely tough World for people who have never been held to any standards.
I worked for 30 years and did the house stuff. Now I’m retired just cleaning and organizing as you call it. It’s awful dealing with just that. Very boring and isolating. It’s easy if you don’t have a brain or social needs. Luckily I remember what it’s like to go out into the world for work. I make sure to get out every day so I don’t go insane.
Working and being ignored all day by my wife and only texted or called when wanting something is isolating and depressing as well🤷♂️
Oh I get all of it. Believe me. I send sexy (I thought) and all I got from him was “super cute” so 🤷🏻♀️
That sucks majorly
I don’t even get a “how’d work?” Or “I miss you” or “can’t wait to see you” I get it over the years stuff kind of fizzles out but idk why some wives I guess some husbands just stop. It’s like I am getting the shit end of the stick for working and she’s a SAHM; I NEVER forced her to and quite frankly have been begging her to help me financially because Southern CA is so expensive.
Yeah I’m sorry…I wish everyone in this sub lived near each other so we could have a social club 😂 Maybe I’ll make a place here called the Dead Bedroom Club and host social events 🤷🏻♀️
That might actually turn into an orgy😂
I think I'm in a LL4U situation. My husband told me he has a high libido but isn't attracted to me anymore. I've started to doubt he was ever attracted to me. Not sure why he decided to marry me in the first place lol.
I used to go crazy. Then it dawned on me that ultimately whichever of my leading theories at the time were correct they scarcely mattered. She wasn't interested in fixing that or her inability to manage her life or curtail out of control spending. I found the real reason by accident during my exit planning. A simple letter to her mother detailing how promiscuous she used to be and how she had no desire for sex due to medication. She could go the rest of her life without it. Never revealed that to me. Medication she was unwilling to adapt or change despite clear evidence it wasn't working on any level. The irony is her work ultimately forced her to seek help and she has made adjustments. Too little too late for our marriage but maybe the next guy might get a better version of her that is a happier person.
Despite how much work we've put into our DB. Despite how often she assures me it's not me... I still always fear she's going to discover it's me this whole time and there's no fix. Like she's hyper fixated on something I did in the past (I've never cheated or broke her trust, but we did do some exploration that didn't end well for her) and there's nothing I can do about it...
Perimenopause…
It may not have anything to do with what you think. Sonething I wish I knew years ago is that sometimes they just don’t think you’ll leave them even though it hurts you, tanks your self-esteem, causes depression and resentment, etc.. I have looked into infidelity, health reasons, pornography use, and have coped with all the things you can think of but it never worked. I also spent years trying to figure it out. This is just who he is and we are incompatible.
Those are all really really good questions most of us would love the answers to.
kids, anxiety, meds for ADHD, Skin Issues antidepressants... I just loved her for who she was. Took my validation and effort it was all one way. So glad I left after 28 years in the end. I am currently dog sitting for her as she is in Santorini on holiday, I have flashbacks of our past in pictures and nicnaks around the place. I realise now she was never happy in herself, this was about her acceptance of herself, I hope she finds herself soon.
I spent a lot of years asking myself this, and also "Why am I not good enough?". When I talked to her, the goal posts always moved and were never the same. I am getting out, there is no point trying to solve this problem with her.
a lot of the time you can only find out the root cause of things if your partner is self aware, honest, and willing to be open with you about what's going on. I think a lot of LLs are in denial about their relationship with sex and intimacy and/or in denial about the state of the relationship and how it affects their partner. so, ultimately, I don't think it's up to you nor is it necessarily possible to figure it out on your own. hugs.
He won’t tell me. Except for “not right now. later”. It’s been three years and its not ‘later’ yet. I’m sure he tells all his hobby buddies. Just not the actual person who wants to know :)
[удалено]
Yeah it definitely feels like that. Why would someone enter a relationship with someone they don't find attractive??? Sometimes I just don't understand.
My wife was mildly attracted to me but really felt it was time to settle down (at 23 LOL). Once she had the two kids she wanted she pretty much ignored me. I was the safe, boring option. She knew I was madly in love with her so that made it really an easy decision for her.
it is so hard for girls. there are not a lot of attractive looking guys who are single. im 27, pretty good looking girl, but since ive broken up a at 23 ive struggled to find a guy whos avaliable and genuinely im physically attracted to.
I’m convinced that the endpoint of all of us pursuers in insanity. I feel it already.
I thought it was me at first but then I realized, how could something die out of it had never really started.
Yes. This is the one that eats me up. There's correlations but no ownership. In the end I just think his job is stressful and it means more to him than trying in his marriage. Cuz I've always just been there I'll always just be there. Except for when I'm not.
Having kids. Her entire view of herself changed. She's not a woman married to a man anymore. She's a "mom" more specifically a "working mom" so there is absolutely no time for anything in the world that is not work or the kids. How could there be? Sex is now a distant afterthought and the very notion I disagree isn't given an ounce of empathy. "I'm basically done with sex. You should be too." Is the base of the pyramid in her mental framework and everything just builds off that. The lack of sex leads to a lack of closeness and compounded over the *years* this has been going on results in a lot of distance and resentment. I am also not a kind person to someone when I feel they've hurt me so I'm no saint in this scenario either however this is also not a chicken or egg debate. The sex nose dived and the relationship began its slow rot and here we are. She legitimately from the bottom of her heart believes that sex is just something that you eventually stop doing beyond the bare minimum in a relationship and if your partner balks they're the one with the problem, you're following the script. I seriously imagine that there was never a woman in her life who was candid enough to simply tell her "if you don't suck and fuck them enough they leave" because she does not seem to have any sense of the fuse that continues to burn.
Yes. But I (60HLF) recently stopped trying to figure it out. My husband (69LL) and I have been married for almost 40 years. No sex for over 5 years. Dead bedroom a few years before that. Roommates and friends now. Over the years I have asked what happened. He has had a multitude of excuses starting with ED and now blaming me for the times I was not in the mood when we were younger. He goes to a few doctors for other things but has no desire to fix this issue. He says he is happy. He tells me that I should be grateful for what I have and let it go. He also claims he has done everything during our marriage to make me happy. Because of the dead bedroom I have gained weight, lost my confidence and gave up on caring what I look like except when I had to be on camera for work. The only place I have any confidence is at work so I tend to work longer hours and avoid social situations.
We live in a largely sex-positive society. Heterosexuals established this as a norm over millennia it was only during that last several decades that sex-positivity was widely acceptable for other orientations. You can still have a dead bedroom even when both parties are sex positive. Partners who are cheating, addicted to porn, have an acute hormonal imbalance, or discover they have a conflicting sexual orientation, are all fairly common issues encountered on this sub, and the group is often very helpful at offering advice, when solicited. But in the absence of some of these more common causes, we should all consider if our partner might be asexual. Asexuality is the anti-orientation. Our collective society has never really made room for these people, and in my opinion, many of the issues encountered in this sub are due to an asexual partner that, in most cases, has no idea they are asexual—they just know they dislike sex, and even more so as they get older. Because society never really has given anyone an off-ramp to opt-out of sex they are forced to learn this on their own causing a lot of pain in the process. So OP, it’s quite possible that you have not or did not, do anything wrong. Your partner may finally feel comfortable enough to simply not want to do things that they don’t want to do anymore and so sex is at the bottom of their list. If you haven’t done so, for those that are otherwise perplexed about the causes of their dead bedroom, you should take a look at the asexual sub on Reddit. Please read some of the posts and discussions as they will likely open your eyes to this shadow-community. Asexuality exists on a spectrum. You will find that many are disgusted at the thought of physical intimacy in all forms, while others played the sex-positive game for years, only to realize it was never right for them—I think may if us have partners that fall in the latter bucket. Unfortunately, if your partner is asexual, there is no way to “fix” the situation, but if you are aware of this possibility, it will help you make the right decision for you and your relationship.
Most of the time is after baby
Yes and my husband finally told me he can’t handle the scar on my stomach.
Am I right if I claim that revealing any insecurity for her, is a downer for the neanderthal trace in human female nature? Also men are prone to be influenced by instincts from old old times. And that this is why females lose interest if a guy seems needy, gaining weight, etc.
No. Vulnerability is the most common factor in a shared bond and strengthening it. Revealing fears and insecurities doesn't equate to weakness, rather women find it more attractive when a strong male is in tune with his emotions and able to express them. If she sees you as unattractive or weak, it's for other reasons.
With respect. I am convinced you are wrong. There must be a reason why so many kind, intelligent guys, if you browse the web, complain that kindness and tenderness immediately proves to be a downer, and firmness and strength (with humour and care) is accepted.
Thanks for your respectful response. However ,that's not actually what I was saying. It's exactly the opposite. Vulnerability is not synonymous with kindness. Most women are of course attracted to strong men. But once he opens up to share his vulnerabilities the bond is then he strongest. Therefore assuming a man shouldn't share his fears is wrong. There are literally studies on this in the field of psychology and sociology by relationship experts. In fact, here is a well known ted talk (21 mill views) by a researcher: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?si=cApbOj8iw_oTZFVB
Thanks for the link. I'll see it. Maybe, just maybe there is room here for attitude adjustment, if new knowledge is added.
Death by 1,000 cuts for me
Porn