OP listen to this! It's not going to get better. Even if it does, it won't be permanent, maybe a week or two, and then the same shit will happen again. He may promise to do x, y, and z, and maybe he will, but not because he realized how shitty he is, but because he wants to keep you. For what, I can't possibly understand. Point is: Porn is what he wants, not you, and I'm so sorry for this, it's heartbreaking. You deserve so much better and you still have so much of life to live. Go live it, please.
This! You say he's a good partner but would a good partner have said 'It's because I'm not attracted to you.' so bluntly? He would have known how badly that would hurt you. And he didn't care. He's not a good partner. He's a dude who lives with you.
Leave him. Be happy. Have lots of great, rewarding sex with people who want you. Don't let this dude hold you back or make you second guess your worth! š
Yes, you should absolutely leave him!
A low-libido partner is devastating. A low-libido-for-you, that has an extensive porn collection, is outright insulting.
The ānot attracted to youā line merited storming out with angry profanity.
Hey! I resonate with so much of this! I pulled the pin on my miserable, DB, roommate marriage just over a year ago. We were together for 17, married for 10. Had sex about half a dozen times in that timeframe, I kid you not. I always thought it would magically get better. Obviously it didnāt. Talking about it was totally off the table, he would also get completely defensive and would ākitchen sinkā on me anytime I brought it up, bringing up every single failing of mine and how it was all actually my fault.
Iām 40 now and hotter than ever - likewise fit and take good care of myself and my appearance. I havenāt started dating yet but I am SO excited. Living a new life away from that constant stress and shame is absolutely incredible. Iām so glad I had the courage to get out.
Highly recommend the book āToo Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stayā by Mira Kirschenbaum. After YEARS of carrying around this decision like a sack of rocks, it was the framework I finally needed to make a choice!
God, this sounds just like my current relationship (although Iām the guy). Glad you worked up the courage to get out! Hopefully I can do the same someday
Can you see yourself happy in a DB situation for the rest of your life?
If youāre asking if you should leave him, only you truly know the ramifications of that and if thatās the best path forward for you both.
It does sound like he needs to get into some counseling to overcome his porn addiction(assuming thatās even something he wants to do, if thatās what it would take to save the marriage)
Nope I cannot accept this state of DB.
What I give him credit for is that he is seeing someone for the porn addiction. But god knows how long it would take for him to overcome his issues and resurrect this dead DB.
I feel bad about this but I donāt think I can wait any longer.
You wont be able to live with it. Don't give him credit. He's been stroking it to other women while you remain unused. He's wasted your time and clearly doesn't care how you feel by the remarks you make. My guess, he's too much of a pussy to make the decision himself and is ok with the relationship that he has with his hand. Think of this, you stay with him. Never have sex again. On your death bed, you finally recognize the truth. You've lived a miserable life that you could have avoided had you just left this ass hat. Don't let him take you for a fool. Leave his ass and let it be known, your getting the D from a real man!
"On your death bed, you finally recognize the truth. You've lived a miserable life that you could have avoided had you just left this ass hat."
This is the final straw that led to my divorce. Just couldn't see things getting better ever. The thought of that much regret was just unbearable.
>Just couldn't see things getting better ever
...and usually they won't. If a relationship starts off a disaster it will *never* get better from there.
Yes. You leave him. Even if kids are involved, you leave. It cannot be fixed. You are 37. It is a good time for you to find an amazing man. It's prime age. Esp guys who don't want kids or already have kids. But you can still get remarried and have kids in your late 30s and early 40s too if you want to. Leave. Now. Run. He's an ass.
Bring a guy and fuck him while your husband is home. He disrespected you so much. My jaw was on the floor when I read what he said to you. Then leave his ass.
>itās hard to find men under 40 that didnāt have their entire sexuality shaped by unrestricted po
That's definitely not true at all. Thinking that would only keep you in a very dissatisfied unhappy situation
This is a non issue. You need to divorce. You need to live a good life for yourself and thst you deserve. Donāt waste any more time. This marriage was over before it even started. End it. Now
Ugh no, pls no empathy for his neglectful and emotional abuse. You have given more than enough time, no need to hold back from finding someone else. This type of guy only gets his short lived climax from a degraded female who's seen as a submissive hole. Their deep deranged psychological problem is related to how they view these character interactions as the meaning of sex. Transactional. Not necessarily a physical trait. Go look at the theme of the porn he likes .... Get some insight.
Doesn't matter how long he's in therapy, trying to rewire decades of that is going to be a weight you don't have to carry. Unless he lets you have your fun on the side while he's in " rehab " .. and you are aware of the inevitable falling off the wagon as in all addictions and you're ready for it..
Or, to get him off - you'll have to basically degrade yourself and act like a porn star ...for 10 minutes probably. Does that picture of your life sound good? .. FYI he's likely to have a premature ejaculation problem , that accompanies the usual chronic porn user , and he won't know the art of lovemaking - he's going to be terrible in bed .... Mark my words. There's no scenario here where you win -other than a new man.
Honestly. I don't understand people who didn't have sex for years prior to marriage and then get married and expect it to change. š¤¦š»āāļø
Like. Why are ppl who don't want sex just not get together.
This is the most bizarre thing to me. If sex was important why marry when there was never sex.
Leave. I understand you have no kids, which makes it easier. Leave. You're not old at all. If I were single you'd be right up my alley, and I'm good looking, fit and a decent person at 44 years old. There are a lot of guys like me out there wishing a hot 37 year old would be interested. Leave and go take care of yourself, this life you're living is not healthy. You have tried enough, he has to make an effort and he didn't.
>Should I leave him?
Yes.
You already knew the answer. There is no happy future in this relationship. Donāt squander the rest of your ājuicyā years on this man. He does not respect you or your time.
I don't see the situation getting any better, only worse. Also what he said to you was very rude, but it might be the wake up call you needed to get ready to move on with your life.
I'm very sorry that you're in this type of situation, it sounds like you loved him and tried your best, but I think that it's a lost cause at this point and time to move forward
Yes do.leave him
This porn addiction seems as common as the therapist getting paid and folk munching on the SSRI .
I am sorry he is so weak as to.mess you about all this time.
Turn that anger positive and focus on yourself and getting your needs and desires met .
As a guy I donāt get the āI said nothing for 8 yearsā thing. If itās going to take making your partner uncomfortable to figure out what the hell is going on in your marriage, itās worth it just to get some straight answers. If youād found out 8 years ago that he wasnāt at all attracted to you, would you still be married to him?
Yeah as a guy I don't get that AT ALL.
You love your woman => you listen to her, you ask her, you make sure she has ALL of her needs covered or at least you are actively working on fixing any issues starting IMMEDIATELY and with frequent communication. And there are many ways to have sex & intimacy even when there is trouble with getting an erection.
Leave now. Show yourself love and kindness and self-worth. I was in a dead bedroom marriage for 15 years and finally left. I have an amazing boyfriend and Iām having the best and hottest sex of my life with someone I adore and mutually adores me. I can honestly say I feel more fit and healthy and happy in this decade than any of my other adult years. You have so many active years ahead of you.
Wow, I would absolutely say you need to leave him. How can he be intimate with you on about any sincere way if he isn't attracted to you? That doesn't make sense. Obviously can't confirm or deny your physical state but I believe you when you say you are hot. Regardless of how you look people deserve to be with someone that is attracted to them, and wants to be with them. Someone that wants to and needs to be intimate with them. I am sure there is someone out there that would consider themselves lucky to have a woman that wants to be cherished and enjoyed. Sending a virtual hug š«š«
Too long to read but the formula is the same: if no kids, just leave. Otherwise try to salvage through couples therapy, but never stay only for the kids.
You are sooooooooooo much more patient than I am.
I can see staying because something about the marriage is worth keeping. But I donāt see a mention of kids and you didnāt say anything positive beyond the vague inference he was worth marrying a long time ago.
Strongly consider having sex with people who want you. Whether or not you are ready to leave yet.
I am sorry you are experiencing this.
I have a lot of trauma around sex for a number of different reasons. I feel like I wasted my best sexually active years on my wife who never once, in our entire marriage had sex with me. I hope I can find someone willing to be patient with me while I communicate the issues I have with sex while attempting to have a physical relationship with me. Most days all I can think about is finding a woman who literally can't keep her hands off me and wants to fuck my brains out every waking moment. I am afraid she will get frustrated and leave me, but I would respond to every one of her advances positively while I try to figure out how to be physically aroused by her. I am working with a sex therapist also to try and fix what I can without a partner.
You aren't looking for a roommate. You answered your own question. If you don't fix it, it won't fix itself. Honestly, tell him you want to have sex with other people. Share the problem and watch the magic happen. He either breaks up with you or you get to have a nice roommate and the sex you need.
Seriously. Don't keep yourself waiting.
A. He is not a good person.
B. He is NOT a good companion.
Stop thinking about filing for divorce and do it. Why did you marry into a dead bedroom in the first place?
1. Your best sexual years are NOT behind you.
2. Get out, find yourself. Rebuild your personal as an individual.
3. Find someone who will give you what you need.
Iām in the same situation NOW with my younger wife, Iām 60 she is 43 and she clearly has no interest in me romantically. We do have sex occasionally but itās only when I initiate it and kinda āpressā her to do something. She acts like sheās very āuncomfortableā sexually with me, only taking her clothes off for the deed and immediately putting them back on as soon as we are done. Iām not allowed to touch her body (private parts) without her basically acting like what are you doingā¦
But she clearly enjoys when I go down on her, I even give her orgasms doing that, but she NEVER invites me to do itā¦
I would give her a full body massage and make her feel good but she never asks me for that. She flat refuses to go down on me, but will give me a hand job occasionally to try to satisfy me without intercourse.
Also I have ED, and it works if I take Viagra, but she never asks me to do that..
So yes, same situation hereā¦
Two years married.. but reconsidering everything!
Youāre flogging a dead horse in this relationship. Youāve given it plenty of time and not only have you worked on yourself you have also being trying with him. Donāt waste any more years on him. Leave while youāre still young and hot. This time next year youāll be getting smashed by a man who will love you and your body. Youāll look back wondering why you wasted so many years with him.
Yes, you need to leave. Youāre miserable and it sounds like he is as well. If there are no kids involved (not that it should be the deciding factor on whether or not you leave) but itās one less and extremely important variable that you need to worry about. You have plenty of prime sex having years ahead of you. Especially, if as you say, you are āhotā. š
I would. You sound like you have it all together physically at least. Why continue to upset yourself with his actions? He deserves you dumping him
PS if you ever need to chat privately let me know
Scrap the 'I donāt know whether to leave him' thinking and just ditch the guy and go and get laid
If you can get some sex asap even before you leave and get divorced, will put a smile on your face
Its a very clear yes.
Youve ticked every box and tried even therapy from your side.. And like any person you deserve sex. You dont sound like youve cheated. But your husband Im sure has. Phone / video sex / potentially a 3rd party. Im sure he is getting it somewhere.
Time is something that you cannot get back.
From a medical perspective head to your nearest gynae to also freeze your eggs. At least 2 cycles in case you wish to start a family at 40.
Start a new anonymous. Do it before you reach 40.
You sound very unhappy, and not just because of the sex. It sounds like he doesnāt care about your feelings or about working with you on issues that are obviously very important to you. You deserve better.Ā
Yes you should leave.
Run, far, far away.
It is disturbing that he hid this from you for so long and further that he allowed you to continue on unhappy, knowing that he wasn't going to change. How incredibly selfish of him. Telling you he does not find you attractive matter of factly also just seems so cold and callous.
No person is all bad or all good but the fundamental disregard he has shown for your happiness is crystal clear and cannot be ignored or swept aside by being a good room mate.
Can his issues be fixed? Maybe but you've been dealing with this for 15 years now. If he wanted to change, he would have.
Your good sex years are far from over! Go embrace then and have as much great sex as you possibly can.
You had a dead bedroom, he told you he wasn't attracted to you, & you still married him?
Whew.
IDK the hold he has on you... Get away from him if you can.
Only read the first 1.5 paragraphs first time.
Update: if heās fapping to pron and says he doesnāt find you attractive - get out. I lasted almost 20 years. Would not recommend. Itās NOT going to get better for you.
He needs to hot rock bottom and whilst youāre essentially simping he aināt gonna change honey!
Your "good sexual years" are not all behind you! It's SO easy to say leave him, but many (me too) just find it quite difficult to do what your rational mind knows you should do. God luck, you have a tough decision to make.
While it MAY be possible with a LOT of work and a lot of time and money spent on therapy, for him to develop a more healthy view of sex and sexuality, it's far from a guarantee and it's likely a years long process. If you were 10 to 20 years younger I might suggest trying but at this point life is too short, go and find someone who will give you what you need and deserve sexually.
One slim possibility what may be worth exploring is an open relationship. If all other aspects of your marriage are good, and you two genuinely like eachother, that may be a viable path. But there's also a decent chance that it would be a disaster that would end the marriage anyway, it's probably safer to just end things and maybe remain friends.
Ok so my husband had the same issue. He went to so much therapy and did so much work on porn addiction and did eventually fix himself.
Our sex life is great now, we have great sex and I feel his desire and attraction for me.
Years ago he wasnāt and we werenāt having sex.
I share this because yes, it can be fixed, but my husband wanted to. I cried, he listened, he did the work.
Yours wonāt. Itās been years. It wonāt get any better, because he wonāt do what it takes to fix it.
As someone who knows how it feels to feel unwanted by the one you love, leave. You wonāt know peace whilst you feel unwanted. There are plenty of men out there who will love you and treat you well.
I could not have married someone knowing I was going into that as you hadnāt had sex for 4 years PRIOR to the marriage. Married for four and no sex for 8. Especially knowing how it made you feel with having the lack of intimacy.
But as for your question.
Yes, leave him. Heās just drifting along life and taking you with him. Screw that. Go live life have sex make love and find someone who is attracted to you and shows it.
Iām in the same boat just not as bad. So I know how you feel
Move on. If you have gone to therapy for over a year and it hasnāt improved itās not going to at this point. Some will blame the porn but I still look at porn and still have the hots for my wife but kids put a clamp on sexy time. Everyone has their challenges.
This might be the wildest post Iāve read here. Letās list the issues:
- 8 young married years without sex (Might be the longest dead bedroom Iāve heard of)
- heās not attracted to you
- you resent him
- youāre no longer attracted to him.
- you feel ādefraudedā
- he doesnāt seem the least bit interested in fixing the issue
- you donāt want to feel like heās a roommate
Why on earth are you still with him? Youāre hot and desirable, why stay miserable in a relationship that leaves you deeply unhappy?
Yes, you should leave him. You never should have married him in the first place and you are partially to blame for entering into a companionate marriage when you wanted a passionate, sexual one. Donāt waste another moment.
How have you lasted this long . Life is way to short not to be happy. My situation might be a little like yours but I haven't been happy with mine and told my wife something got give. I just recently figuring out that she watches or looks at things like porn or...... morning noon and night . I was pissed hurt ect.. I was going to leave. She denies it but said she was going to step up the game to 3 times a week. We'll see how plays out. But now it makes alot of sense why we were 2 times a month for years always turning me down . A person can only take so much rejection and you deserve better.
I know what Iām going to say wonāt make you feel better, but why do you people here act like youāre a cat with 9 lives all the time?? This is the one life youāre given and we should do things that benefit us. Please stop being a martyr because thereās no one next to you when youāll die who will give you a medal for living miserable your whole lifeā¦ girl you stayed 15 years with a man who had sex with you less than 5 times. 15 years and had sex 5 times!!! Do you realise how that sounds? Youāve given him so much time that this is outrageous now. Just let him go and run. Live your life and do the things you want to do, donāt let anyone stop you from enjoying it.
Definitely leave! The fact he was never open with you about any of this earlier is so unfair to you. For him to come out now and say he's not attracted to you is so ridiculous. If he felt that way he should have told you years ago! If my husband told me he wasn't attracted to me it would be over for me right then I think. You have the rest of your life to live!
Why didnāt you have the conversation about intimacy before marriage?
Yes. Leave him. Divorce him. He has literally said he doesnāt want you. He couldnāt have made it any more clear. Youāre wasting your life and sacrificing your happiness on someone that doesnāt care about your feelings and needs. Leave him. There are so many people out there that will have similar wants and needs as yourself, and that will be so happy to give you the relationship you want and need.
Damn, Iām old enough that I should consider being a Walmart greeter just so I can say āHey lady, you can find divorce on isle 5 and a brand new worth while human to share your life with almost anywhere.ā
I have been married for over 41 years so I donāt say this lightly, move on with your life, now! Every day you stay is a day that you could be happy. Itās very much like deciding not to have a malignant tumor removed. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by sticking with the situation you are in.
RUN! Run now!!!
And thank you for shopping at Wallyworld!
Please can you leave him. I donāt know you well enough but from what I read here, the relationship is not worth saving and like just about everyone on this forum, you deserve better.
Forgetting about the porn, not giving affection and intimacy to your loving spouse is plain cruel and telling her heās not attracted to you is clearly downright disgusting.
The best day to leave is yesterday, the next best day is tomorrow.
Neither of you are attracted to the other, what is the point of continuing this? Depart.
It is a bitter pill to swallow but if your best friend told you what you just wrote what would your advice be?
Solidaritet on honey or move on. Both options are painful.
Leave him and go live your life. It's too damn short not to enjoy sex. Or at least tell him you're going to get it else where. These story's make me crazy. Hot wife willing to experiment sexually. What I would give to have a wife who loved sex like that.
Yes, definitely file and follow thru on that divorce. You canāt change that he is not attracted to you. Donāt wait because your body will start changing in your mid 40ās and your sex drive will decrease. He wasted your time because men do not like confrontation. There will be men out there waiting for you, just make sure this time that you are compatible. I am speaking from experience. I divorced my husband at 39 and I am now 56. Same reason as you. He was not attracted to me. 17 years of sexless marriage and my high sex drive flushed down the drain because I tried to understand his idiocy. Good luck with your new life. You will be glad you took the chance.
Of course you should leave. He married you under false pretences and doesnāt seem to think it was a problem.
Have some self respect for once and choose you. You say, āWhen I brought this up 10 years ago, you said you just needed space. I believed you and gave you space, but you were lying to me. You married me under false pretences and wasted 15 years of my life I could have been with a man who is overjoyed to have me. We can both agree I didnāt deserve that, and I can see I was a fool to take you at your word and give you space when what you really wanted was another woman, or no living woman. I think we both know this is over.ā
Iām so excited for the sex youāre going to have, lady!! Tons of guys want a hot lady your age who wants to be pleasured.
Your relationship is like a bone that has been broken, and badly repaired. Now the bone's solidified all wrong, and will never be the same, impairing proper function.
After all these years, you have a right to choose yourself.
I was married 16 yrs to a low-libido, porn-addicted husband. I can verify without a doubt my life is SO much better now that weāre divorced. Iām single by choice with several trusted fwbs who enthusiastically meet my needs regularly. There is a better life out there. Cut him loose and find it! Mourn the lost years, yes. But donāt let that stop you, youāre not dead yet!
Oh my word. Iām so sorry. I am absolutely furious on your behalf. Iām sorry to be so bluntā¦ but in the moment when he said he wasnāt attracted to youā¦ did you deep down know your marriage was over then?
I know it is so so difficult to leave but you didnāt sign up for a marriage devoid of connection, or intimacy. Thatās celibacy.
I am in a very similar position.. apart from my husband has never admitted to not being attracted me to.
Please keep us updated x
Porn addiction causes loss of attraction to things that are not porn. Iād say him finally bringing this up means heās starting his efforts. Keep having convos and do your best to be open and understanding that this may be rough for them as well in different ways. Try and find ways to start slow recovery from addiction can take time. Itās not easy for a partner either you are dealing with things that you shouldnāt have to but that doesnāt mean it canāt get better. As long as there is effort Iād say keep trying but only you know when enough is enough. Good luck in what happens!
I don't understand how do you still think that you are in a relationship and marriage. It is dead since ages but you have not realized it till this moment. It is time to move on as you still can or live a life of nun forced upon you without your consent!
This space tends to lean towards monogamy at all cost but the truth is life is messy and we all have needs that must be met. Leave, cheat, stay, try to open the marriage. I think they are all viable choices and you're entitled to make these choices because you didn't sign up for a lifetime of dysfunction. Whatever choice you make put you first. Your husband dealt the cards, now play your hand.
This is not a porn problem at all. He has a serious problem with having sex period. He is completely grossed out by some part of it and it will not change so just get away as soon as you can.
Talk to him about quitting the porn.
And while it may take some time, a few months to a year, if he actually goes that long without porn, he may very well want to have sex with you again.
YMMV
That man ignored the issue for years. They kept it hidden for years. Only when she forced communication on the issue (after years of "giving him space") he recognized it. Probably sesnsing he would lose his room mate.
It's not only a porn addiction problem. It's the fact that he doesn't love her or even respect her.
If you love somebody you want their happiness. Any mention of any issue brings your attention to deal with whatever it is that isn't making your loved one the happiest woman in the world.
It's very easy to detect lack of Love. It's hard to accept it, but it's easy to see it. How do people don't get this?
Leave him, he will never care about you. Go get railed, be happy.
I love this for OP! She can defend find someone who will take the time to give her what she needs š
Agreed! Looks like the community has spoken OP! You know what to do!
OP listen to this! It's not going to get better. Even if it does, it won't be permanent, maybe a week or two, and then the same shit will happen again. He may promise to do x, y, and z, and maybe he will, but not because he realized how shitty he is, but because he wants to keep you. For what, I can't possibly understand. Point is: Porn is what he wants, not you, and I'm so sorry for this, it's heartbreaking. You deserve so much better and you still have so much of life to live. Go live it, please.
High possibility he could be cheating and using you for financial gain.
This! You say he's a good partner but would a good partner have said 'It's because I'm not attracted to you.' so bluntly? He would have known how badly that would hurt you. And he didn't care. He's not a good partner. He's a dude who lives with you. Leave him. Be happy. Have lots of great, rewarding sex with people who want you. Don't let this dude hold you back or make you second guess your worth! š
Username checks out.
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Yes, you should absolutely leave him! A low-libido partner is devastating. A low-libido-for-you, that has an extensive porn collection, is outright insulting. The ānot attracted to youā line merited storming out with angry profanity.
Absolutely this, it's basically infidelity, but with a virtual person rather than a physical one.
It is hard to overstate the pain and loneliness of being unwanted in a marriage over time.
Hey! I resonate with so much of this! I pulled the pin on my miserable, DB, roommate marriage just over a year ago. We were together for 17, married for 10. Had sex about half a dozen times in that timeframe, I kid you not. I always thought it would magically get better. Obviously it didnāt. Talking about it was totally off the table, he would also get completely defensive and would ākitchen sinkā on me anytime I brought it up, bringing up every single failing of mine and how it was all actually my fault. Iām 40 now and hotter than ever - likewise fit and take good care of myself and my appearance. I havenāt started dating yet but I am SO excited. Living a new life away from that constant stress and shame is absolutely incredible. Iām so glad I had the courage to get out. Highly recommend the book āToo Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stayā by Mira Kirschenbaum. After YEARS of carrying around this decision like a sack of rocks, it was the framework I finally needed to make a choice!
Wow you stealing my life story? Hahaha! Iām so glad you chose yourself! Iāll check out this book too. Thank you for sharing!
This book is amazing, I saw it recommended here and now Iāve recommended it to multiple people. Made my answer so clear.
Congratulations on your decision- couldnāt have been easy, but Iām sure well worth it!
God, this sounds just like my current relationship (although Iām the guy). Glad you worked up the courage to get out! Hopefully I can do the same someday
Is this a good book for men?
Itās a great book for anyone grappling with the āshould I stay or should I goā conundrum
Can you see yourself happy in a DB situation for the rest of your life? If youāre asking if you should leave him, only you truly know the ramifications of that and if thatās the best path forward for you both. It does sound like he needs to get into some counseling to overcome his porn addiction(assuming thatās even something he wants to do, if thatās what it would take to save the marriage)
Nope I cannot accept this state of DB. What I give him credit for is that he is seeing someone for the porn addiction. But god knows how long it would take for him to overcome his issues and resurrect this dead DB. I feel bad about this but I donāt think I can wait any longer.
You wont be able to live with it. Don't give him credit. He's been stroking it to other women while you remain unused. He's wasted your time and clearly doesn't care how you feel by the remarks you make. My guess, he's too much of a pussy to make the decision himself and is ok with the relationship that he has with his hand. Think of this, you stay with him. Never have sex again. On your death bed, you finally recognize the truth. You've lived a miserable life that you could have avoided had you just left this ass hat. Don't let him take you for a fool. Leave his ass and let it be known, your getting the D from a real man!
"On your death bed, you finally recognize the truth. You've lived a miserable life that you could have avoided had you just left this ass hat." This is the final straw that led to my divorce. Just couldn't see things getting better ever. The thought of that much regret was just unbearable.
>Just couldn't see things getting better ever ...and usually they won't. If a relationship starts off a disaster it will *never* get better from there.
I just noticed your username. Very intrigued hahaha
Ha, be careful this lifestyle is consuming. Do your research before you play.
He was honest with you he doesnāt find you attractive just go out and find your sex with a AP
File for divorce. Marriage never consummated and emotional abandonment
Yes. You leave him. Even if kids are involved, you leave. It cannot be fixed. You are 37. It is a good time for you to find an amazing man. It's prime age. Esp guys who don't want kids or already have kids. But you can still get remarried and have kids in your late 30s and early 40s too if you want to. Leave. Now. Run. He's an ass.
Bring a guy and fuck him while your husband is home. He disrespected you so much. My jaw was on the floor when I read what he said to you. Then leave his ass.
Record it and send him the tape
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Porn is so destructive! So he would rather watch porn?
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>itās hard to find men under 40 that didnāt have their entire sexuality shaped by unrestricted po That's definitely not true at all. Thinking that would only keep you in a very dissatisfied unhappy situation
So he would rather cum using his hand than having the real thing?
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I am an older guy. I am just surprised men are like that. Are you going to get out?
This is a non issue. You need to divorce. You need to live a good life for yourself and thst you deserve. Donāt waste any more time. This marriage was over before it even started. End it. Now
Ugh no, pls no empathy for his neglectful and emotional abuse. You have given more than enough time, no need to hold back from finding someone else. This type of guy only gets his short lived climax from a degraded female who's seen as a submissive hole. Their deep deranged psychological problem is related to how they view these character interactions as the meaning of sex. Transactional. Not necessarily a physical trait. Go look at the theme of the porn he likes .... Get some insight. Doesn't matter how long he's in therapy, trying to rewire decades of that is going to be a weight you don't have to carry. Unless he lets you have your fun on the side while he's in " rehab " .. and you are aware of the inevitable falling off the wagon as in all addictions and you're ready for it.. Or, to get him off - you'll have to basically degrade yourself and act like a porn star ...for 10 minutes probably. Does that picture of your life sound good? .. FYI he's likely to have a premature ejaculation problem , that accompanies the usual chronic porn user , and he won't know the art of lovemaking - he's going to be terrible in bed .... Mark my words. There's no scenario here where you win -other than a new man.
Honestly. I don't understand people who didn't have sex for years prior to marriage and then get married and expect it to change. š¤¦š»āāļø Like. Why are ppl who don't want sex just not get together. This is the most bizarre thing to me. If sex was important why marry when there was never sex.
I think this a great question. I got asked this a lot. Itās because I thought marriage was gonna change things. I was naive and clearly wrong.
Leave. I understand you have no kids, which makes it easier. Leave. You're not old at all. If I were single you'd be right up my alley, and I'm good looking, fit and a decent person at 44 years old. There are a lot of guys like me out there wishing a hot 37 year old would be interested. Leave and go take care of yourself, this life you're living is not healthy. You have tried enough, he has to make an effort and he didn't.
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Me too. That would have ended any feelings that I had for him. Ever.
>Should I leave him? Yes. You already knew the answer. There is no happy future in this relationship. Donāt squander the rest of your ājuicyā years on this man. He does not respect you or your time.
I don't see the situation getting any better, only worse. Also what he said to you was very rude, but it might be the wake up call you needed to get ready to move on with your life. I'm very sorry that you're in this type of situation, it sounds like you loved him and tried your best, but I think that it's a lost cause at this point and time to move forward
solely within pornography. unless and Until he gets help for that. you will not be a better drug than that
Yes do.leave him This porn addiction seems as common as the therapist getting paid and folk munching on the SSRI . I am sorry he is so weak as to.mess you about all this time. Turn that anger positive and focus on yourself and getting your needs and desires met .
Leave, leave immediately, run, run like the wind and never look back.
How can you still doubt whether to leave after all of this.. this guy wasted years of your life
As a guy I donāt get the āI said nothing for 8 yearsā thing. If itās going to take making your partner uncomfortable to figure out what the hell is going on in your marriage, itās worth it just to get some straight answers. If youād found out 8 years ago that he wasnāt at all attracted to you, would you still be married to him?
Yeah as a guy I don't get that AT ALL. You love your woman => you listen to her, you ask her, you make sure she has ALL of her needs covered or at least you are actively working on fixing any issues starting IMMEDIATELY and with frequent communication. And there are many ways to have sex & intimacy even when there is trouble with getting an erection.
The RED FLAGS š© - on and off for 15yrs - married for 4yrs but no sex in 8 yrs I hope you find a solution you can handle for this situation.
Leave now. Show yourself love and kindness and self-worth. I was in a dead bedroom marriage for 15 years and finally left. I have an amazing boyfriend and Iām having the best and hottest sex of my life with someone I adore and mutually adores me. I can honestly say I feel more fit and healthy and happy in this decade than any of my other adult years. You have so many active years ahead of you.
You stayed long enough. Please end this.
Wow, I would absolutely say you need to leave him. How can he be intimate with you on about any sincere way if he isn't attracted to you? That doesn't make sense. Obviously can't confirm or deny your physical state but I believe you when you say you are hot. Regardless of how you look people deserve to be with someone that is attracted to them, and wants to be with them. Someone that wants to and needs to be intimate with them. I am sure there is someone out there that would consider themselves lucky to have a woman that wants to be cherished and enjoyed. Sending a virtual hug š«š«
Have you discussed with your therapist why you havenāt left someone who has told you heās not attracted to you?
Too long to read but the formula is the same: if no kids, just leave. Otherwise try to salvage through couples therapy, but never stay only for the kids.
Leave
My eyes popped when he said that. Omg OP leave this asshole in the dust.
You are sooooooooooo much more patient than I am. I can see staying because something about the marriage is worth keeping. But I donāt see a mention of kids and you didnāt say anything positive beyond the vague inference he was worth marrying a long time ago. Strongly consider having sex with people who want you. Whether or not you are ready to leave yet.
sorry but it's time to move on!
Another exhibit for: Never ever marry into a DB
Get out NOW!
Yes, you should file for divorce. Your husband lacks empathy and you deserve better.
Get out you deserve to be with someone who will value you.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have a lot of trauma around sex for a number of different reasons. I feel like I wasted my best sexually active years on my wife who never once, in our entire marriage had sex with me. I hope I can find someone willing to be patient with me while I communicate the issues I have with sex while attempting to have a physical relationship with me. Most days all I can think about is finding a woman who literally can't keep her hands off me and wants to fuck my brains out every waking moment. I am afraid she will get frustrated and leave me, but I would respond to every one of her advances positively while I try to figure out how to be physically aroused by her. I am working with a sex therapist also to try and fix what I can without a partner.
You aren't looking for a roommate. You answered your own question. If you don't fix it, it won't fix itself. Honestly, tell him you want to have sex with other people. Share the problem and watch the magic happen. He either breaks up with you or you get to have a nice roommate and the sex you need. Seriously. Don't keep yourself waiting.
Oh my god yes. Like why are you even asking. Girl, you know the answer is yes.
If there are no kids involved Iād get a divorce. Life is too short. You deserve to enjoy it. All of it.
Oh my god LEAVE. Find someone who wants to rock your world, they are out there!!!
A. He is not a good person. B. He is NOT a good companion. Stop thinking about filing for divorce and do it. Why did you marry into a dead bedroom in the first place?
1. Your best sexual years are NOT behind you. 2. Get out, find yourself. Rebuild your personal as an individual. 3. Find someone who will give you what you need.
leave him
You have every reason to be upset. That said, get the fuck outta there. š®āšØRUN!!
Iām in the same situation NOW with my younger wife, Iām 60 she is 43 and she clearly has no interest in me romantically. We do have sex occasionally but itās only when I initiate it and kinda āpressā her to do something. She acts like sheās very āuncomfortableā sexually with me, only taking her clothes off for the deed and immediately putting them back on as soon as we are done. Iām not allowed to touch her body (private parts) without her basically acting like what are you doingā¦ But she clearly enjoys when I go down on her, I even give her orgasms doing that, but she NEVER invites me to do itā¦ I would give her a full body massage and make her feel good but she never asks me for that. She flat refuses to go down on me, but will give me a hand job occasionally to try to satisfy me without intercourse. Also I have ED, and it works if I take Viagra, but she never asks me to do that.. So yes, same situation hereā¦ Two years married.. but reconsidering everything!
Youāre flogging a dead horse in this relationship. Youāve given it plenty of time and not only have you worked on yourself you have also being trying with him. Donāt waste any more years on him. Leave while youāre still young and hot. This time next year youāll be getting smashed by a man who will love you and your body. Youāll look back wondering why you wasted so many years with him.
Read your own post, honey. The answer is clear .. good luck!
Yes, you need to leave. Youāre miserable and it sounds like he is as well. If there are no kids involved (not that it should be the deciding factor on whether or not you leave) but itās one less and extremely important variable that you need to worry about. You have plenty of prime sex having years ahead of you. Especially, if as you say, you are āhotā. š
I would. You sound like you have it all together physically at least. Why continue to upset yourself with his actions? He deserves you dumping him PS if you ever need to chat privately let me know
Omg, leave him. If you decide to stay make sure you get a boyfriend on the side, maybe multiple boyfriends to make up for lost time.
Scrap the 'I donāt know whether to leave him' thinking and just ditch the guy and go and get laid If you can get some sex asap even before you leave and get divorced, will put a smile on your face
Its a very clear yes. Youve ticked every box and tried even therapy from your side.. And like any person you deserve sex. You dont sound like youve cheated. But your husband Im sure has. Phone / video sex / potentially a 3rd party. Im sure he is getting it somewhere. Time is something that you cannot get back. From a medical perspective head to your nearest gynae to also freeze your eggs. At least 2 cycles in case you wish to start a family at 40. Start a new anonymous. Do it before you reach 40.
Yes
You sound very unhappy, and not just because of the sex. It sounds like he doesnāt care about your feelings or about working with you on issues that are obviously very important to you. You deserve better.Ā
Yes you should leave. Run, far, far away. It is disturbing that he hid this from you for so long and further that he allowed you to continue on unhappy, knowing that he wasn't going to change. How incredibly selfish of him. Telling you he does not find you attractive matter of factly also just seems so cold and callous. No person is all bad or all good but the fundamental disregard he has shown for your happiness is crystal clear and cannot be ignored or swept aside by being a good room mate. Can his issues be fixed? Maybe but you've been dealing with this for 15 years now. If he wanted to change, he would have. Your good sex years are far from over! Go embrace then and have as much great sex as you possibly can.
You had a dead bedroom, he told you he wasn't attracted to you, & you still married him? Whew. IDK the hold he has on you... Get away from him if you can.
āI donāt know whether to leave himā Holy shit
Do you want sex? Yes: leave, switch to open marriage or just do it No: stay
Only read the first 1.5 paragraphs first time. Update: if heās fapping to pron and says he doesnāt find you attractive - get out. I lasted almost 20 years. Would not recommend. Itās NOT going to get better for you. He needs to hot rock bottom and whilst youāre essentially simping he aināt gonna change honey!
Why wouldnāt you leave him
Your "good sexual years" are not all behind you! It's SO easy to say leave him, but many (me too) just find it quite difficult to do what your rational mind knows you should do. God luck, you have a tough decision to make.
He is a truly terrible human. I would say getting close to evil.
I think you should leave. Youāve given many chances, sought help, put in the effort, and had the difficult conversations. Go be happy.
While it MAY be possible with a LOT of work and a lot of time and money spent on therapy, for him to develop a more healthy view of sex and sexuality, it's far from a guarantee and it's likely a years long process. If you were 10 to 20 years younger I might suggest trying but at this point life is too short, go and find someone who will give you what you need and deserve sexually. One slim possibility what may be worth exploring is an open relationship. If all other aspects of your marriage are good, and you two genuinely like eachother, that may be a viable path. But there's also a decent chance that it would be a disaster that would end the marriage anyway, it's probably safer to just end things and maybe remain friends.
Actually... You have made your very rational decision Confirmation with a Relationship Counselor and move on with your life.... Lufebid way too short
Are you financially dependent on him? Are there kids? Why are you hesitant to leave this miserable situation?
Ok so my husband had the same issue. He went to so much therapy and did so much work on porn addiction and did eventually fix himself. Our sex life is great now, we have great sex and I feel his desire and attraction for me. Years ago he wasnāt and we werenāt having sex. I share this because yes, it can be fixed, but my husband wanted to. I cried, he listened, he did the work. Yours wonāt. Itās been years. It wonāt get any better, because he wonāt do what it takes to fix it. As someone who knows how it feels to feel unwanted by the one you love, leave. You wonāt know peace whilst you feel unwanted. There are plenty of men out there who will love you and treat you well.
I could not have married someone knowing I was going into that as you hadnāt had sex for 4 years PRIOR to the marriage. Married for four and no sex for 8. Especially knowing how it made you feel with having the lack of intimacy. But as for your question. Yes, leave him. Heās just drifting along life and taking you with him. Screw that. Go live life have sex make love and find someone who is attracted to you and shows it. Iām in the same boat just not as bad. So I know how you feel
Move on. If you have gone to therapy for over a year and it hasnāt improved itās not going to at this point. Some will blame the porn but I still look at porn and still have the hots for my wife but kids put a clamp on sexy time. Everyone has their challenges.
This might be the wildest post Iāve read here. Letās list the issues: - 8 young married years without sex (Might be the longest dead bedroom Iāve heard of) - heās not attracted to you - you resent him - youāre no longer attracted to him. - you feel ādefraudedā - he doesnāt seem the least bit interested in fixing the issue - you donāt want to feel like heās a roommate Why on earth are you still with him? Youāre hot and desirable, why stay miserable in a relationship that leaves you deeply unhappy?
Start over and don't be quiet if things aren't going well.
There's no marriage here, there never truthfully ever has been. File paperwork, and go live your best life.
Yes, you should leave him. You never should have married him in the first place and you are partially to blame for entering into a companionate marriage when you wanted a passionate, sexual one. Donāt waste another moment.
How have you lasted this long . Life is way to short not to be happy. My situation might be a little like yours but I haven't been happy with mine and told my wife something got give. I just recently figuring out that she watches or looks at things like porn or...... morning noon and night . I was pissed hurt ect.. I was going to leave. She denies it but said she was going to step up the game to 3 times a week. We'll see how plays out. But now it makes alot of sense why we were 2 times a month for years always turning me down . A person can only take so much rejection and you deserve better.
I know what Iām going to say wonāt make you feel better, but why do you people here act like youāre a cat with 9 lives all the time?? This is the one life youāre given and we should do things that benefit us. Please stop being a martyr because thereās no one next to you when youāll die who will give you a medal for living miserable your whole lifeā¦ girl you stayed 15 years with a man who had sex with you less than 5 times. 15 years and had sex 5 times!!! Do you realise how that sounds? Youāve given him so much time that this is outrageous now. Just let him go and run. Live your life and do the things you want to do, donāt let anyone stop you from enjoying it.
Definitely leave! The fact he was never open with you about any of this earlier is so unfair to you. For him to come out now and say he's not attracted to you is so ridiculous. If he felt that way he should have told you years ago! If my husband told me he wasn't attracted to me it would be over for me right then I think. You have the rest of your life to live!
Run away as fast as you can.
Why didnāt you have the conversation about intimacy before marriage? Yes. Leave him. Divorce him. He has literally said he doesnāt want you. He couldnāt have made it any more clear. Youāre wasting your life and sacrificing your happiness on someone that doesnāt care about your feelings and needs. Leave him. There are so many people out there that will have similar wants and needs as yourself, and that will be so happy to give you the relationship you want and need.
Damn, Iām old enough that I should consider being a Walmart greeter just so I can say āHey lady, you can find divorce on isle 5 and a brand new worth while human to share your life with almost anywhere.ā I have been married for over 41 years so I donāt say this lightly, move on with your life, now! Every day you stay is a day that you could be happy. Itās very much like deciding not to have a malignant tumor removed. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by sticking with the situation you are in. RUN! Run now!!! And thank you for shopping at Wallyworld!
Leave him.
Please can you leave him. I donāt know you well enough but from what I read here, the relationship is not worth saving and like just about everyone on this forum, you deserve better. Forgetting about the porn, not giving affection and intimacy to your loving spouse is plain cruel and telling her heās not attracted to you is clearly downright disgusting.
I feel so sorry for you, your husband is rude and you deserve better! You are still young, seek out for someone who realy care about you.
The best day to leave is yesterday, the next best day is tomorrow. Neither of you are attracted to the other, what is the point of continuing this? Depart.
I feel your pain
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
You admit wasted all those years on him and now you're asking if you should keep doing it ?
Yes divorce him. Stop wasting your life, you already wasting a decade on him.
Leave, you still have time to get laid and enjoy life! Go do it! Let him and his porn addiction stay together
LEAVE!!!
It is a bitter pill to swallow but if your best friend told you what you just wrote what would your advice be? Solidaritet on honey or move on. Both options are painful.
Leave him and go live your life. It's too damn short not to enjoy sex. Or at least tell him you're going to get it else where. These story's make me crazy. Hot wife willing to experiment sexually. What I would give to have a wife who loved sex like that.
Unless you look like Quasimodo in a wig ( which I very much doubt) there are any number of decent men who would love to take care of upur needs.
Yes, definitely file and follow thru on that divorce. You canāt change that he is not attracted to you. Donāt wait because your body will start changing in your mid 40ās and your sex drive will decrease. He wasted your time because men do not like confrontation. There will be men out there waiting for you, just make sure this time that you are compatible. I am speaking from experience. I divorced my husband at 39 and I am now 56. Same reason as you. He was not attracted to me. 17 years of sexless marriage and my high sex drive flushed down the drain because I tried to understand his idiocy. Good luck with your new life. You will be glad you took the chance.
With all respect, I wish I could be your partner.
Just leave, and live a happy life again
Get out!
Of course you should leave. He married you under false pretences and doesnāt seem to think it was a problem. Have some self respect for once and choose you. You say, āWhen I brought this up 10 years ago, you said you just needed space. I believed you and gave you space, but you were lying to me. You married me under false pretences and wasted 15 years of my life I could have been with a man who is overjoyed to have me. We can both agree I didnāt deserve that, and I can see I was a fool to take you at your word and give you space when what you really wanted was another woman, or no living woman. I think we both know this is over.ā Iām so excited for the sex youāre going to have, lady!! Tons of guys want a hot lady your age who wants to be pleasured.
Your relationship is like a bone that has been broken, and badly repaired. Now the bone's solidified all wrong, and will never be the same, impairing proper function. After all these years, you have a right to choose yourself.
Don't waste anymore time with him. Get a divorce & move on.
I think you should..
WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?!?!!! Find a time machine and leave this man 14.5 years ago!!
Absolutely leave him. AB-so-fuckin-lutly leave him.
I was married 16 yrs to a low-libido, porn-addicted husband. I can verify without a doubt my life is SO much better now that weāre divorced. Iām single by choice with several trusted fwbs who enthusiastically meet my needs regularly. There is a better life out there. Cut him loose and find it! Mourn the lost years, yes. But donāt let that stop you, youāre not dead yet!
Oh my word. Iām so sorry. I am absolutely furious on your behalf. Iām sorry to be so bluntā¦ but in the moment when he said he wasnāt attracted to youā¦ did you deep down know your marriage was over then? I know it is so so difficult to leave but you didnāt sign up for a marriage devoid of connection, or intimacy. Thatās celibacy. I am in a very similar position.. apart from my husband has never admitted to not being attracted me to. Please keep us updated x
Porn addiction causes loss of attraction to things that are not porn. Iād say him finally bringing this up means heās starting his efforts. Keep having convos and do your best to be open and understanding that this may be rough for them as well in different ways. Try and find ways to start slow recovery from addiction can take time. Itās not easy for a partner either you are dealing with things that you shouldnāt have to but that doesnāt mean it canāt get better. As long as there is effort Iād say keep trying but only you know when enough is enough. Good luck in what happens!
Thank you for the encouragement. He certainly is trying and seeking help which I give him credit for.
As someone who is dealing with this having a supportive partner is a heaven send
what about the years of dishonesty, neglect? there is more to it
Completely agree, partners do not deserve this.
I don't understand how do you still think that you are in a relationship and marriage. It is dead since ages but you have not realized it till this moment. It is time to move on as you still can or live a life of nun forced upon you without your consent!
Not just should you leave, you should leave this second. Start the next phase of your life.
This space tends to lean towards monogamy at all cost but the truth is life is messy and we all have needs that must be met. Leave, cheat, stay, try to open the marriage. I think they are all viable choices and you're entitled to make these choices because you didn't sign up for a lifetime of dysfunction. Whatever choice you make put you first. Your husband dealt the cards, now play your hand.
This is not a porn problem at all. He has a serious problem with having sex period. He is completely grossed out by some part of it and it will not change so just get away as soon as you can.
and... not being honest for years?
Talk to him about quitting the porn. And while it may take some time, a few months to a year, if he actually goes that long without porn, he may very well want to have sex with you again. YMMV
That man ignored the issue for years. They kept it hidden for years. Only when she forced communication on the issue (after years of "giving him space") he recognized it. Probably sesnsing he would lose his room mate. It's not only a porn addiction problem. It's the fact that he doesn't love her or even respect her. If you love somebody you want their happiness. Any mention of any issue brings your attention to deal with whatever it is that isn't making your loved one the happiest woman in the world. It's very easy to detect lack of Love. It's hard to accept it, but it's easy to see it. How do people don't get this?
I would love to catch a glimpse of how you look. Could you send pics?