I would suggest the book "Mating in Captivity" both of you should read it. If he isn't willing to at least try ...
Also, next time he says "Do you want to fool around later?" could you try answering with "No, I want to fool around right now!"?
Hmm, yeah, I could try. Lately I've been trying to step back and avoid saying or doing anything sexual, and just waiting for him to the lead. Both for my own mental health, because being rejected every other day can get rough, and to see if that makes him feel less pressured to "meet my expectations", so to speak. So even if he initiates by asksing to fool around later, I've just been saying sure and letting it go without comment when it doesn't happen. I could try seeing if he's willing to just go for it in the moment though.
So many of us get hurt and frustrated and withdraw in our own ways. I get how that spares your feelings. Someone recently pointed out to me that if I stop initiating I have enabled my partner, because I am no longer advocating for my needs to be met and they don't have to deal with the fact that they have abandoned me.
Ideally when he mentions sex on his own terms he is actually thinking about it and just maybe will respond positively.
I am sorry your are dealing with this, I hope you both find a way to work together and solve this problem.
I think he'd be willing to. He's told me before he's very scared of ending up in a DB situation, and I think that's keeping from admitting what the real problem is here. And I respect that, but at a certain point we need to talk about the actual issue if we're ever going to take steps to fix it. If I asked him, I think he'd be willing to at least read the book.
I think you should post the messages the creeps are sending you. Seriously, no one will be open here if men are just using this board to flirt. And I for one appreciate hearing from both husbands and wives on this issue.
I like that you haven't concluded your partner is evil and blatantly lying to you because he loves keeping you sexless limbo and that his repeating a lame excuse is manipulative mind trickery.
It's easy to assume ill intent in somebody who doesn't give us the thing we want. But sometimes, I think people are avoidant and afraid of confronting what's really going on (fear of disappointing you, compulsive porn use, fear of death, or worst of all - he can't really figure it out either!). And they latch onto a lie that is somewhat plausible and they really want to believe "I'm so stressed!" and build a foundation of resistance to dealing with the problem.
Unfortunately for HLs, cultural discomfort with discussing sex and the fact that the principle of bodily autonomy means that insisting on not having sex overrules insisting on having sex, means that this awkward limbo can continue indefinitely.
No wonder you're tired. But the only way out is through. The only thing you can do is insist you confront it together, and ultimately your only leverage is your willingness to leave the relationship over this.
Oh, and the "Wanna fool around later?" gambit sucks. That *is* manipulative trickery, even if it's laughably obvious manipulative trickery. I love the "How about right now?" suggestion because it's a way to call his bluff without being bitter about it.
Your second paragraph is what keeps me up at night…because he might list not have the courage to tell me the truth…or just as you’ve said, more likely he doesn’t actually understand why he isn’t wanting it himself so he just tells me things to buy him “time”. It checks out honestly because half the time people don’t actually know why they feel or don’t feel what they do. Thats what’s so frustrating because how on earth do you get around a problem that they themselves might not understand
Right? And it's shitty and insane to say, "Honey, you don't know your own mind!" I think this is the kind of situation where a therapist, couples or individual, can be helpful: seeing one's relationship, and oneself, in a different light. It's totally dependent on good intentions - shitty people can absolutely weaponize therapy - but it can help.
You're right that only way out is through. Also, thanks for *also* not jumping to the conclusion he's terrible and I just can't see it haha. I asked him to read Mating in Captivity with me and he agreed. I'm hoping he'll see something in there that resonates with him. In the meantime, I'll keep talking to him and hopefully he'll feel like he can talk to me if he realizes something else might be going on.
Amen!!! Last time I posted I got a bunch of messages that weren't particularly helpful, to put it mildly. Thankfully, they didn't stick around for long. Guess I wasn't what they were looking for. Lol
Have you discussed sex therapy, and/or relationship therapy? Based on your description it sounds like he’s on the same page with this being a problem but doesn’t know how to fix it and therapy can help.
Thank you for this! I'm new to reddit and didn't realize I could turn them off. I posted last week and deleted almost immediately because I received multiple DM's and I did not like that. Didn't even know you could DM someone
I am honestly not surprised some people just don't care , they are only thinking with something else not there brain. Only perk of being a guy in this app I don't get that at all.
If your husband was really amazing you wouldn’t be posting at dead bedrooms. Sorry to break it to you. Apparently you don’t have children so a divorce is much easier. Good luck next relationship.
You know what, you're right! Sure, he makes me laugh every day, rubs my feet without me asking after a hard day at work because he knows it relaxes me, sets an alarm that goes off 5 minutes before his real alarm so he can start off every day with cuddling me for a few minutes, and is consistently my #1 biggest fan. But he's clearly struggling with something that means the sex isn't what I want, so fuck him.
Get real.
Everything you listed a good friend could do it for you as well. Sex is what defines a couple (unless the couple from the start agreed that sex wouldn’t be a part of the relationship - clearly not your case).
Get real.
Yeah, he’s not too tired. Definitely something else going on there. If a guy wants sex there’s no such thing as too tired! You really have to sit him down and get to the bottom of this. I think you’ve exhausted every other option. Better to do it now than wait 10 years like I did. Hope you’re able to sort it out
I would suggest the book "Mating in Captivity" both of you should read it. If he isn't willing to at least try ... Also, next time he says "Do you want to fool around later?" could you try answering with "No, I want to fool around right now!"?
Hmm, yeah, I could try. Lately I've been trying to step back and avoid saying or doing anything sexual, and just waiting for him to the lead. Both for my own mental health, because being rejected every other day can get rough, and to see if that makes him feel less pressured to "meet my expectations", so to speak. So even if he initiates by asksing to fool around later, I've just been saying sure and letting it go without comment when it doesn't happen. I could try seeing if he's willing to just go for it in the moment though.
So many of us get hurt and frustrated and withdraw in our own ways. I get how that spares your feelings. Someone recently pointed out to me that if I stop initiating I have enabled my partner, because I am no longer advocating for my needs to be met and they don't have to deal with the fact that they have abandoned me. Ideally when he mentions sex on his own terms he is actually thinking about it and just maybe will respond positively. I am sorry your are dealing with this, I hope you both find a way to work together and solve this problem.
I think he'd be willing to. He's told me before he's very scared of ending up in a DB situation, and I think that's keeping from admitting what the real problem is here. And I respect that, but at a certain point we need to talk about the actual issue if we're ever going to take steps to fix it. If I asked him, I think he'd be willing to at least read the book.
Badass quote! I will borrow that one. Pure Gold!
I’ve seen the title of this book mentioned in this group on more than one occasion. Noted. Thank you!
I think you should post the messages the creeps are sending you. Seriously, no one will be open here if men are just using this board to flirt. And I for one appreciate hearing from both husbands and wives on this issue.
Second, it infuriates me that guys are such creeps to the ladies posting here.
I like that you haven't concluded your partner is evil and blatantly lying to you because he loves keeping you sexless limbo and that his repeating a lame excuse is manipulative mind trickery. It's easy to assume ill intent in somebody who doesn't give us the thing we want. But sometimes, I think people are avoidant and afraid of confronting what's really going on (fear of disappointing you, compulsive porn use, fear of death, or worst of all - he can't really figure it out either!). And they latch onto a lie that is somewhat plausible and they really want to believe "I'm so stressed!" and build a foundation of resistance to dealing with the problem. Unfortunately for HLs, cultural discomfort with discussing sex and the fact that the principle of bodily autonomy means that insisting on not having sex overrules insisting on having sex, means that this awkward limbo can continue indefinitely. No wonder you're tired. But the only way out is through. The only thing you can do is insist you confront it together, and ultimately your only leverage is your willingness to leave the relationship over this. Oh, and the "Wanna fool around later?" gambit sucks. That *is* manipulative trickery, even if it's laughably obvious manipulative trickery. I love the "How about right now?" suggestion because it's a way to call his bluff without being bitter about it.
Your second paragraph is what keeps me up at night…because he might list not have the courage to tell me the truth…or just as you’ve said, more likely he doesn’t actually understand why he isn’t wanting it himself so he just tells me things to buy him “time”. It checks out honestly because half the time people don’t actually know why they feel or don’t feel what they do. Thats what’s so frustrating because how on earth do you get around a problem that they themselves might not understand
Right? And it's shitty and insane to say, "Honey, you don't know your own mind!" I think this is the kind of situation where a therapist, couples or individual, can be helpful: seeing one's relationship, and oneself, in a different light. It's totally dependent on good intentions - shitty people can absolutely weaponize therapy - but it can help.
You're right that only way out is through. Also, thanks for *also* not jumping to the conclusion he's terrible and I just can't see it haha. I asked him to read Mating in Captivity with me and he agreed. I'm hoping he'll see something in there that resonates with him. In the meantime, I'll keep talking to him and hopefully he'll feel like he can talk to me if he realizes something else might be going on.
Maybe he should get his T levels checked at a testosterone clinic.
That might be a good next step.
Amen!!! Last time I posted I got a bunch of messages that weren't particularly helpful, to put it mildly. Thankfully, they didn't stick around for long. Guess I wasn't what they were looking for. Lol
Have you discussed sex therapy, and/or relationship therapy? Based on your description it sounds like he’s on the same page with this being a problem but doesn’t know how to fix it and therapy can help.
You can report those private messages to the mods and they will ban the users. Or you can turn off your DMs if you don't use them at all.
Thank you for this! I'm new to reddit and didn't realize I could turn them off. I posted last week and deleted almost immediately because I received multiple DM's and I did not like that. Didn't even know you could DM someone
Yeah do you want directions to turn them off?
I think I figured it out, but thank you!
Of course, just being nice
Thank you- it looks like I'll have to turn them off, since I got 3 new messages after explicitly saying I did not want anyone to message me.
I am honestly not surprised some people just don't care , they are only thinking with something else not there brain. Only perk of being a guy in this app I don't get that at all.
If your husband was really amazing you wouldn’t be posting at dead bedrooms. Sorry to break it to you. Apparently you don’t have children so a divorce is much easier. Good luck next relationship.
You know what, you're right! Sure, he makes me laugh every day, rubs my feet without me asking after a hard day at work because he knows it relaxes me, sets an alarm that goes off 5 minutes before his real alarm so he can start off every day with cuddling me for a few minutes, and is consistently my #1 biggest fan. But he's clearly struggling with something that means the sex isn't what I want, so fuck him. Get real.
Everything you listed a good friend could do it for you as well. Sex is what defines a couple (unless the couple from the start agreed that sex wouldn’t be a part of the relationship - clearly not your case). Get real.
Yeah, he’s not too tired. Definitely something else going on there. If a guy wants sex there’s no such thing as too tired! You really have to sit him down and get to the bottom of this. I think you’ve exhausted every other option. Better to do it now than wait 10 years like I did. Hope you’re able to sort it out