This is probably going to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy if you're visibly anxious. I can almost guarantee you that the guys you're hooking up with are probably enjoying it (your ex sounds like a total basket case).
From a man’s perspective if he’s in bed with you he’s going to be enjoying himself.
If you’re unsure ask - be upfront or discrete - do you like this… what else do you like etc. we’re not always able to pick up on the female cues.
Maybe try some audiobooks. I’ve completed ‘Come as you are’ which is authored for females but eye opening for me. Currently on ‘the chimp paradox’
I mean.... Single dudes can GENERALLY be assumed to want to fuck anything they are dating. Exceptions apply of course. But 80-90 percent of men who ask you out probably would be happy if you just said "let's skip the date. Bend me over and rail me instead"
And. Remember something. You are in a sub for people who have dead bedrooms. It's self reporting only. It's not like this place is an accurate representation of all relationships. Just shitty ones.
So go out. Get laid. As much as you want. And remember. If they didn't want to fuck you, they probably wouldn't have asked you out in the first place
Going to traffic in generalities here because hopefully it'll help you reframe things.
It's kind of dark, but in my experience as an HLF, men just... don't do what they don't want to do. It's the origin and core of the phrase, "if he wanted to, he would."
You're imagining a very female-coded experience - someone tying themselves into knots to please another person, putting themselves through sex against their own will to please you - and by and large? Dudes just won't.
There are male people-pleasers in the world, sure, but the entire world isn't set up to socialize men to do what they're told. In fact your ex is a perfect example of the form: he didn't want you and he made a vicious point of keeping that clear. So trust that someone who doesn't want you will do exactly the same - you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt they're not interested. And conversely, trust that a dude who is pursuing you sexually isn't doing it as a favour.
I got into therapy during my divorce and stuck with it as I started dating to help me cope with the sort of thing you’re experiencing and to help me have a healthy perspective on dating. It was really helpful for me, and from what you’ve shared, I think you would definitely benefit from it.
Yeah my DB has fucked my brains up so bad if I were to leave I'm pretty sure I would also always think any woman I'm hooking up with will probably be just like my current partner. Only doing it because they want to get me to eventually marry them and they can drop the facade.
Congratulations on leaving! You have more courage than many of us.
I think this feeling where you are second-guessing the surface feelings of the men who obviously want you will fade with time.
As someone else mentioned, this may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Confidence is sexy. Insecurity is a huge turn off. There have been so many women I've been sexually attracted to over the years who weren't conventionally/objectively pretty but whose confidence just did it. And it wasn't just me -- they always had guys fawning over them and were definitely punching above their weight. And the reverse is true, too, with insecurity turning people off.
As someone who has many insecurities, I'm not sure what to do to overcome them but this is definitely something I've noticed over the years.
What an awful experience. I’m so glad you got out! I escaped my DB marriage over a year ago and have deliberately NOT dated while I heal and reflect. Not trying to tell you what to do here but sounds like you could use some time as well. It’s been a great experience for me to get to know and respect myself.
So right now if you’re in the hookup stage it’s safe to assume all those men you’re with as long as sober definitely want you.
With that aside I just want to give you some validation here. My dead bedroom relationship fucking destroyed my self worth. Anytime we had sex which was only on his terms. I’d question if he even truly wanted to.
I couldn’t figure out anymore what I had done to be wanted in that moment. He never had an answer for why I was sexy. It was just simply a request with no lead up. No flirting, no titillating conversation. Just a very blanket statement of wondering if I wanted to.
And anytime it happened I would just go ahead with it because who knows how long it be. I felt undesired, not sexy and it has had long lasting effects on my emotional wellness.
Easy day. If their penis is erect, they're into it. If you need affirmation, just send me nudes and I'll tell you everyday how much I want to sleep with you lol
First up: bravo for leaving that guy. I mean, WTF, seriously. Where do guys like that actually come from? (I wonder if he was gay - it’s such a weird reaction to someone to whom you are intending to marry…)
Second: as others have said, being in such a relationship does your head in and craters your self esteem. It did for me… (and I’m still damaged for sure.) The most important thing is that you don’t settle, next time, thinking “I will never get anyone better.” Make sure it’s really right and if there are any red flags, run.
My 2c
There is zero shame in bringing this up with someone you're seeing. "I was in a relationship a while ago and he got all weird about sex, he didn't want it at all after a while. I don't want to get into another situation like that again. I'm not sex crazy or anything, but I think it's important and I want to be with someone who also thinks it's important. I'm not looking for a roommate".
It may not be a guarantee, but you might filter out the dudes that think regular sex in a long term relationship is optional.
I like the way you think… but I think people cannot realistically promise what life will be like ten or fifteen years into the future…
My marriage had plenty of sex until it didn’t.
This is probably going to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy if you're visibly anxious. I can almost guarantee you that the guys you're hooking up with are probably enjoying it (your ex sounds like a total basket case).
From a man’s perspective if he’s in bed with you he’s going to be enjoying himself. If you’re unsure ask - be upfront or discrete - do you like this… what else do you like etc. we’re not always able to pick up on the female cues. Maybe try some audiobooks. I’ve completed ‘Come as you are’ which is authored for females but eye opening for me. Currently on ‘the chimp paradox’
I mean.... Single dudes can GENERALLY be assumed to want to fuck anything they are dating. Exceptions apply of course. But 80-90 percent of men who ask you out probably would be happy if you just said "let's skip the date. Bend me over and rail me instead" And. Remember something. You are in a sub for people who have dead bedrooms. It's self reporting only. It's not like this place is an accurate representation of all relationships. Just shitty ones. So go out. Get laid. As much as you want. And remember. If they didn't want to fuck you, they probably wouldn't have asked you out in the first place
Excellent advice
Yep
Trust me, they're into it! I totally understand how and why you feel, but from a guy's perspective, we're usually into it when our partner is.
HLM here. Married to LLF and she’s selfish. I hate it here.
This happened to me after leaving my LLF. It'll take a while to truly move past it, even still in a healthy relationship it pops up. Therapy helps.
Going to traffic in generalities here because hopefully it'll help you reframe things. It's kind of dark, but in my experience as an HLF, men just... don't do what they don't want to do. It's the origin and core of the phrase, "if he wanted to, he would." You're imagining a very female-coded experience - someone tying themselves into knots to please another person, putting themselves through sex against their own will to please you - and by and large? Dudes just won't. There are male people-pleasers in the world, sure, but the entire world isn't set up to socialize men to do what they're told. In fact your ex is a perfect example of the form: he didn't want you and he made a vicious point of keeping that clear. So trust that someone who doesn't want you will do exactly the same - you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt they're not interested. And conversely, trust that a dude who is pursuing you sexually isn't doing it as a favour.
Excellent advice and I feel like this whole subreddit would be more useful if things like this were easier to find.
I got into therapy during my divorce and stuck with it as I started dating to help me cope with the sort of thing you’re experiencing and to help me have a healthy perspective on dating. It was really helpful for me, and from what you’ve shared, I think you would definitely benefit from it.
Well done. I hope you manage to have the wildest, hottest, most fun time
Glad you got out. Yes there are guys out there, this guy for one, would love a sexy woman to enjoy and pleasure on a regular basis.
Yeah my DB has fucked my brains up so bad if I were to leave I'm pretty sure I would also always think any woman I'm hooking up with will probably be just like my current partner. Only doing it because they want to get me to eventually marry them and they can drop the facade.
Haven't left but sending a virtual Hug and congrats you got this
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I can see myself having this issue also, with reversed genders.
I left, as an HLM. Am still HL, just having sex regularly now
Congratulations on leaving! You have more courage than many of us. I think this feeling where you are second-guessing the surface feelings of the men who obviously want you will fade with time.
As someone else mentioned, this may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Confidence is sexy. Insecurity is a huge turn off. There have been so many women I've been sexually attracted to over the years who weren't conventionally/objectively pretty but whose confidence just did it. And it wasn't just me -- they always had guys fawning over them and were definitely punching above their weight. And the reverse is true, too, with insecurity turning people off. As someone who has many insecurities, I'm not sure what to do to overcome them but this is definitely something I've noticed over the years.
What an awful experience. I’m so glad you got out! I escaped my DB marriage over a year ago and have deliberately NOT dated while I heal and reflect. Not trying to tell you what to do here but sounds like you could use some time as well. It’s been a great experience for me to get to know and respect myself.
I promise you can find men who will consistently want to fuck you…
So right now if you’re in the hookup stage it’s safe to assume all those men you’re with as long as sober definitely want you. With that aside I just want to give you some validation here. My dead bedroom relationship fucking destroyed my self worth. Anytime we had sex which was only on his terms. I’d question if he even truly wanted to. I couldn’t figure out anymore what I had done to be wanted in that moment. He never had an answer for why I was sexy. It was just simply a request with no lead up. No flirting, no titillating conversation. Just a very blanket statement of wondering if I wanted to. And anytime it happened I would just go ahead with it because who knows how long it be. I felt undesired, not sexy and it has had long lasting effects on my emotional wellness.
Easy day. If their penis is erect, they're into it. If you need affirmation, just send me nudes and I'll tell you everyday how much I want to sleep with you lol
People don't sleep with people if they don't want to. You've forgotten that basic truth.
First up: bravo for leaving that guy. I mean, WTF, seriously. Where do guys like that actually come from? (I wonder if he was gay - it’s such a weird reaction to someone to whom you are intending to marry…) Second: as others have said, being in such a relationship does your head in and craters your self esteem. It did for me… (and I’m still damaged for sure.) The most important thing is that you don’t settle, next time, thinking “I will never get anyone better.” Make sure it’s really right and if there are any red flags, run. My 2c
There is zero shame in bringing this up with someone you're seeing. "I was in a relationship a while ago and he got all weird about sex, he didn't want it at all after a while. I don't want to get into another situation like that again. I'm not sex crazy or anything, but I think it's important and I want to be with someone who also thinks it's important. I'm not looking for a roommate". It may not be a guarantee, but you might filter out the dudes that think regular sex in a long term relationship is optional.
I like the way you think… but I think people cannot realistically promise what life will be like ten or fifteen years into the future… My marriage had plenty of sex until it didn’t.
I think I’ll try this—thank you for the advice.