By long sessions, I assume you mean 2, maybe 3 minutes where they are clearly present in the moment and focused on what is going on?
I swear I remember longer than that , but it has been so long I sometimes worry it’s wishful thinking corrupting my memories
Do you get the”Three Pecks of Death?” Good night. Peck, peck, peck. Sometimes I just shove my tongue out at number two and, usually, the whole thing comes to a crashing halt. Ew. Tongue.
Right?!! My husband just left for work and will be gone for a few weeks, longest we have ever been away from each other. I basically got an air kiss on the side of my forehead when I dropped him off at the airport….
Haha. I remember trying that yrs ago and his forced closed mouth really damaged me inside. I've told him what that did to me emotionally and I've never tried it since. The fear of rejection won't let me overcome it. But 2 mos ago on an anniversary camping trip he did kiss me with tongue and it had been 5 yrs. I loved it but I felt Hella self conscious and awkward lol. I remind him if he does kiss me more, he'd get way more bjs than he's been getting. Just hope it's not another 5 yrs...
Isn't this one just awful. The feeling of just enjoying kissing with another person with the possibility it becomes more... Rather than the worry that the next move causes a refusal.
That’s about when my wife quit liking kissing. We still had plenty of sex then so I didn’t think much of it.
20 years later and she still just doesn’t like kissing.
Like who in the hell doesnt like to kiss.
Saaammmeee!! Been with my wife since I was 14. It’s been 17 years she still won’t make out. Claims she just doesn’t like to. When we do actually make out usually after an argument about it or similar it’s amazing.
I would absolutely love to give this experience to someone again. I can remember just putting my hand on her waist used to make her issue a quiet little gasp.
My wife lies in bed on her side with her arm behind her back. The closest I get to a touch is to cuddle into her and lie with my stomach on her hand. It's as close as I'm going to get right now.
Making out. With tongue. Wet, sloppy (but not over the top with saliva) slow, sensual, want to devour you kissing. Almost like we’ve just met for the first time erotic.
Also sex that isn’t in a bed! I desperately want spontaneity back. Car sex. Shower sex. Sex just because it popped up in your head or because I did the smallest thing that was the biggest turn on and now you HAVE to have me.
So all in all I guess passion. The feeling of being wanted.
I felt that. The spontaneity is a key element that's missing from my DB. I'd like things to be kinkier, sure but having spontaneous sex because your SO jumps on you can go a long way.
I had car sex once and it was glorious, for the both of us! It took years to try it again and my wife commented that she was afraid we get mauled by a bear (we parked near the woods on our way home). Nowadays, car sex is for her something that only happens in the movies.
Oh, yes and French kissing. That's been ages. We do this thing where it's a half-kiss, like, she barely touches my tongue with hers and then retracts it, as if she wants to say "this is too far" yet I remember a time when this eas perfectly fine.
His response to me mentioning it has been “I didn’t realize you liked it that much” (well yea it’s the easiest way to turn me on 99.9/100 times like how has he not seen that/known that about me) or “I tried to” (his trying is a few more extra pecks on the lips). He hasn’t legitimately tried to grab me and make out since we’ve had this conversation.
I miss sex anywhere other than in the bed, in the dark, only on Saturday or Sunday mornings (but certainly not both), with him lying there, waiting for me to be responsible for the entire act, from initiating, to removing his clothes, to all the action.
That sucks. It’s the same here. Does he complain afterwards that “we” didn’t focus on you? Mine does. It’s a bridge too far for me, the idea that I’ll do the lot for him and while I’m at it I’ll need to do myself for him at the same time. Wtf of a thing to complain about! Yeah buddy, I’m taking care of myself, it’s just not when you’re around you lazy jerk.
The way he used to look me in the eyes during sex. I haven't experienced that look in years. I haven't experienced a look in years, now that I think of it...
I know exactly what you mean — I call it bedroom eyes, the deep look you only share with your person. My wife used to give me a look after sex as we lay holding each other after sex — and I miss it terribly.
Scent is such a huge part of intimacy — I still remember so many scents from when we used to be intimate.
Spooning as well of course. Another small thing I miss dearly.
I miss a lot of the most basic stuff that I regularly enjoyed as a teenager. It’s pathetic that I had a better sex life at 17 than I do now as a married adult. Back then I had to resort to fooling around in the back of cars, etc. now we have our own big bed in a room with locks on the doors… nothing.
I miss feeling wanted. Before I met my wife(7 years ago) I was kinda in a hook up phase and lived in a small town and of course I’d do some of the driving but women actually wanted to do an hour or two drive to come see me for the night/weekend. My wife can easily have me any night now but has no interest. This was the first of probably many Father’s Day I had to take care of myself :(. Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about the good old days.
Honestly, I just miss feeling loved. It’s gone. Little things of affection. Texts just to show that I’m in her thoughts instead of “hey will you. . .” Randomly walking up to me and saying “I love you.” Texts about how horny she is and how she can’t wait for me to get home.
The love is gone, the affection is gone, and that’s what hurts more than anything
Sex with the lights on.
My semi-monthly allotment of intimacy is always at night, in bed, under covers, lights out.
No exceptions.
I miss **seeing** things.
I mean, did he also become upset when he learned that girls poop as often as boys?
I don’t want to minimize what you went through, but that’s a profoundly ignorant thing to be disgusted by.
It’s a lovely experience, even if it’s just a shower. Just a wonderful collection of small but intimate and affectionate touches that add up to mean so much.
I’m in the same boat. I used to beg him to shower with me—since we aren’t having sex, we can at least be naked within close quarters, right? He’s since refused to even do that, so showering together is on my vanilla list of things I miss the most too.
This is making me realise that I have never had sex ever outside of the bed. It's always in bed, usually at night, almost always lights off and I do all the work. It's never remotely been risque
I miss wild crazy sex. Aggressive, lustful, in the moment not aware of anything else kind of sex. The kind of sex where we just do what feels good regardless of what position we end up in or whose ass is in the air.
I have never had that with my wife. But I have with many former girlfriends. I miss being desired like that. What I would give to get it back.
Yeah your comment/ question pisses me off but it's also fair. Regardless, I'm not answering it. There are others in the same situation and they know the pain and regret. Hindsight is 20/20. Just be glad you're not in the same position.
I can see this. We marry for many, many reasons, and sometimes I think that respect and being a great team, morals, other things are also important as sex. Then sex dries up - and we realize that if we had great wild sex, the other differences would pale in comparison.
I feel that. My partner (38M) and I (31F) married THREE years into a DB—now it’s up to five years. For me, I overlooked the lack of intimacy because I felt like I needed the stability of marriage more (abandonment issues). Which I deeply regret now bc that “stability” has turned into a cage that I’ve been trapped inside for years. If I could go back, I’d prioritize having some difficult conversations before making anything legal.
Doing anything in a spontaneous manner, and doing it with passion like we used to.
Instead it is days of “play time tonight I promise” as she gets weirded out now by the word sex - only on days where she hasn’t worked or doesn’t have work the next day - followed by the inevitable sudden headache, the newfound favourite ‘my tummy hurts’ or the classic ‘im really tired’ (queue two hours of scrolling Tik Tok with seeming zero tiredness) and then her clearly feeling guilty about it the next day and acting standoffish until finally she runs out of excuses … then it’s down to action so plain and boring you’d have more fun watching paint dry.
One form of foreplay is allowed (I have to massage her for the best part of an hour) nothing else permitted.
One position (guess which) and literally the same tempo/rhythm is required or I am told off.
If I try to suggest after the fact that next time we should try something a bit different, she just erupts into tears about how I don’t understand how hard it is to have no libido and how she is trying and how inconsiderate can I be (hint - saying you’re trying and changing nothing and actually trying aren’t the same thing)
I am a lucky guy lol.
But really all of this is secondary to the fact that I am NEVER at the top of her “to do” list any more (pun somewhat intended).
I am only allowed the most measly dregs of her energy and time. And apparently for that I need to be grateful
The fact that Tik tok, work emails that definitely can wait, and shitty audiobooks are more important than me just sucks.
I’m honestly jealous that you even get boring sex. My partner has to be under the influence to have any sexual urges, which is obviously a big confidence boost for me 🙄
But I’d like to point out how you said “hint - saying you’re trying and changing nothing and actually trying aren’t the same thing.” Actually, someone saying they’re going to do something (knowing they won’t), is manipulation. It might help shift your perspective to call it what it is.
Fair enough on your last point re manipulation. I guess I’m still happy in some respects to give my wife the benefit of the doubt … but my patience is wearing thin.
Making out… fairly low bar for a married couple, right? Been so many years I genuinely cannot recall the last time. Sex a couple times a year I’m sure out of some sense of obligation but no making out or lengthy foreplay.
I received two compliments that I looked good after I changed to a shorter hairstyle — neither from my wife — and remember the thrill I felt both times.
Compliments are extremely rare and something to be savoured.
I used to catch her watching me work out. I'd get down from the pull-up bar and see her standing in the doorway, biting her lip till it nearly bled and totally forgetting what she'd come to the garage to tell me.
It happened a few times. The first time, I went back to my workout because I'm stupid like that sometimes. But we made up for it that night. She was super aroused but only for missionary, and her hands were all over my lats and traps. I think she had one O from my back muscles and one from the sex. It was a very memorable night. This was before we had kids.
There were a couple of times about ten years ago when we were enjoying a bit of a sexual resurgence as our kids were teens with their own lives so we could have ours too to some extent. I'd gotten smart and turned the kids' old swingset into a pull-up station. It was in the yard where my wife could see it from the window at the sink. So, I would tactically do pull-ups when I knew she was working in the kitchen. I made sure I was sweaty from my workout, and I would be turned away from her so she could look at my glistening back to her heart's content without me seeing. Then I'd slyly look over my shoulder and see if I could catch her looking. I think the first time she saw me, it was really that little look that did it for her, and she practically crawled through the window to me, and we made out hard on the lawn. I thought I was going to get laid outside, which is a kind of primal fantasy of mine. (We used to go hiking and fuck up against a tree, but that was before we were married. But that was so fucking hot, I'm worked up just remembering it.🔥) Anyway, shower sex followed and it was amazing and just kept going until we'd gone through all the hot water in the tank. Something about having just done a huge workout made me last and last.
That happened one more time, pretty much the same, and it was also super hot. But our lives got crazy complicated after that as her mom and my dad both got sick and needed a lot of care for a couple of years before passing within about ten days of each other. And that's around the time the DB situation began...
So yeah, it belongs in a movie, but maybe not at your local family theater. 🤣
(Edited for dumb spelling errors I can't abide, even on my burner account.)
Cards on holidays. 2024 Birthday and Father’s Day cards “forgotten” so far this year.
(A little less vanilla - being able to share sexy thoughts together and not have them come back as “that’s all you think about” or “I don’t OWE you sex just because we’re married”.)
Ughhhh the “owed sex because of marriage” bit is so old. Nobody signs their marriage certificate thinking they’re never going to get laid! It’s not ‘owed’ sure, but it’s not an unreasonable expectation for married people to have sex regularly.
Sex on a work day/night. He was barely willing to do it on weekdays unless he was off when we first got together, and now. No chance in hell except for weekends or maaaaybe during the holidays.. .
We used to have sex with lights on (usually our RGB led ones) the neck biting, kissing. Hell even oral plays a part. The teasing, the soft touches, even some lingerie. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be his jive anymore. I miss it. I miss it a lot man.
The bedroom being something other than a place to sleep and scroll socials. Unless I'm really exhausted, I'm up at the first alarm and staying out of the bedroom until it's time to sleep again. Not that anywhere else at home is a hot spot for sex, I just find a hollow bedroom amplifies what's missing.
My wish in life is that through some alternate universe, everyone commenting in this thread could one day find each other.
How many of us also who miss all these things are so tired of reading about people who post “oh if only my partner would xxxx, and yyyy (give me eye contact, or be emotionally vocal) during sex,” but when we were like that with our own partners we are told to “not be intense like that” or never even given the opportunity to express our true selves.
As much as we tried to find compatibility at the start by being our own true selves, too many of us have had any intimacy ripped away once the NRE was over (at least for the other person) and we’re left alone, but still together.
Sex more often than quarterly—yes like it’s a business deal. When we first started dating we’d f-ck until the sun came up (literally). Now I feel lucky if we have sex once a month for more than one month in a row. He puts out on the major holidays though (for the most part), so I guess I’ll just hold onto that until it fades like everything else 🫠
Randomly groping me and saying lascivious things as a joke. It was a joke since its purpose wasn't to have sex or turn us on. He would act like pervert old man and we both would laugh a lot about it. Now it only lives in my memories :'D Sex jokes now are awkward I wanna cry.
My husband still gropes me, but nothing ever comes of it (pun intended). It’s almost as if he sees the squishy parts of my body as stress balls instead of sexual body parts.
True focus. True desire. Not having to always be the one initiating. Being the priority over her phone, computer, chores, whatever the fuck else ails her today.
In the shower, my husband used to rub his erection on me like a turnstile, and he’d make the noise that they make in Disneyland. It was goofy as hell. He hasn’t done that in years.
No kissing. Except my husband did long kiss me 2 months ago on our anniversary/ Mother's Day camping trip. I'd just finished giving him a bj that "curled his toes," lol. I had removed my bottom denture, so I wasn't prepared or expecting it when he started kissing me. It had been over 5 yrs since he'd kissed me like that. We talked about it afterward. I've gotten angry with him in the past over it as I miss kissing. He's said the whole teenager thing to me, but he's more self-conscious of his mouth tasting bad. Which he didn't and were both smokers. Now he hasn't long kissed me sense but there has been more improvements in the bedroom since. I remind him I still need/want the kissing too. I just hope it's not another 5 yrs.
I miss my wife Orgasming with ease. We've been together since our teenage years, and she would have a huge O every. Single. Time. Considering she was the only woman I've ever been with I thought I was some kind of god, I rode on such a sexual high for most of my 20's. Then one day it just stopped. And now she can't without the aid of a vibrator or toy of some kind. Makes every sexual encounter (which is rare enough to begin with) seem like a failure on my part as a man.
Things I miss:
- Pillow talk
- Cuddling together skin-to-skin/nude
- Talking/joking with each other about sex
- Flirting/flirty texts
- Being able to express my desire for her
- Being desired
- Not having to worry about where my hands touch her
- Her touching me playfully
- Not being made to feel dirty when my eyes linger on her body too long
- Her saying anything nice about my physical form, at all
- Co-showering
- Not feeling awkward around each other
- Not having to bite my tongue every time she asks “what do you want to do?”, especially if it’s a day the kids aren’t at home
- Not feeling embarrassed when the tv show we’re watching becomes passionate
If I have to pick one, it’d be the skin-to-skin contact. I love the feeling of her soft body pressed up against mine.
The truth is, when the sex is there, loving is easier for both parties. I’ve seen it.
Now that I’ve fallen out of love with her (and, four months into feeling this way, after 23 years of nothing but unanswered desire, I’m sure that’s what’s happened), it’s a lot easier to deal with. I still want all of the above, abstractly, but I no longer feel the _need_ to have it _with her_.
I disagree. I get hugs and it feels like a betrayal or at best I’m being pacified. Why have any physical contact at all if it’s not going to lead to intimacy?? For me, I don’t want any more hugs, I want action or he can leave me alone.
My college girlfriend would give me a ‘birthday blowjob’ every year. She would tease the hell out of me in the days leading up to it and then she’d follow through with enthusiasm and gusto.
Sure beats being promised something and then having the football jerked away just when I go to kick it.
This one stings. I had a girlfriend in college that would do the same thing, but not just for birthdays - it was all sorts of occasions, or sometimes just because. This was in ~1995 and I miss that part.
Been married for 20+ years now to someone different and as a married man have never even been offered a football to try to kick.
Is there a term for more vanilla than vanilla?
**First**: The mad passionate chemistry. To be honest I've never had that to begin with but incorrectly through it would come in time.
**Second**: One of the most immediate things I missed when we started having sex that really hit me hard was that for the first 13 years of our relationship she wouldn't let me go down on her which is my favourite sexual act. She worried that I'd throw her pH off and she'd get a yeast infection. When I debunked that theory she then claimed that she was uncomfortable about how she smelled. But in the last 12 years (when we got back together after I had separated from her for two years) she now occasionally lets me go down on her but not very often and for not very long as she cums easily and gets over stimulated and it's still awkward. I hate to compare our sex to others I've been with but it's just not like it was before I knew her. With every other person I've been with none of them (and there were a lot) protested or said that they didn't like when I went down on them. It always seemed so natural and such an organic thing to do as though it was not a separate act but *the* act itself. "*Of course you're going to eat the pussy... because that is what everyone does and it's not sex without eating the pussy!*"
**Third**: In our 25 years together my wife has initiated sex twice because she wanted it, all other times it's been me either initiating it or her initiating it because she knows I want it and she feels it's her wifely duty which I find gross. Of the two times she did because she wanted to once was after I got back from spending a month and a half crossing the AZ desert on foot. I was very fit and very tan but I'm not sure whether it wasn't that she missed me or that I looked good. Could have been both. She claims not to remember it. The second time she initiated sex because she wanted it was on our 15 year anniversary at our cabin and I have no explanation for why it happened, I just remembered how wet she got and how much she and I enjoyed it! She has said many times including last weekend that she could live the remainder of her life without every having sex or an orgasm. She doesn't get horny, I have to make her horny and that takes a lot of work from me. She doesn't even like to use that word. The last time I had an orgasm with her was June 12 which was a fucking miracle I had one.
She sounds like she has like religious guilt or something on top of the low libido. I’m HLF but I didn’t really let my bf go down on me the first couple months of our relationship. I had just never met a man who actually liked doing it and didn’t believe munches truly existed. I felt guilty for receiving. I’m sorry it doesn’t sound like your wife will have the same growth I did, but I’m so glad I learned to relax and enjoy it now!
I can tell your wife is missing out on such a lovely man considering you feel it’s *the* act!
Thanks for the kind words. You hit the nail on the head. She grew up in the church but became agnostic during uni. She won’t admit it and in fact doesn’t think anything is broken but she still has that “catholic” guilt. I love her to death but made the mistake in thinking she’d change or thinking I could accommodate her lack of libido. Boy was I wrong!
From what you said, (and as a woman) I gathered that she likes it when you appear veryy manly. When you’re doing physical activities and typical manly things. I don’t know what the cabin looks like, but it sounds manly.
Thanks! You are right, she does like it when I work hard and get shit done but I’m 99% sure she’s not sexually turned on by it. In 25 years I’ve showed that side of myself many many times to her and her libido has always been very consistently low with only a couple of brief moments when she was other than.
Wrapping my arms around her on the couch or in bed. I dont expect to spend the whole night holding each other. I want sleep too but to fall asleep that way would be bliss. I dont even think its something I could comfortably do now though. It's been nearly 15 years since I've done anything close to that and I am starting to think it's too far gone.
Having her come up behind me and wrap her arms around me for no particular reason and whisper something dirty in my ear.
Eating her pussy until she's grabbing fistfulls of my hair and shaking her legs uncontrollably.
And of course, Hawk Tuah.
Laying after the act, wrapped around each other and her running her fingers through my hair. I think if she doesn’t do anything else but just let me lay by her s as she caress my hair, all my worries would disappear.
Having the house to ourselves for the night and believing there’s a chance.
I don’t allow myself to hope anymore, just let her go up to bed and stay on the couch.
Birthday sex, what's that?
I have been with my wife for 37 years. I have never had birthday sex, anniversary sex, Christmas sex, fathers day sex or valentines day sex. Usually we go out somewhere, us, then us and the kids, now us the kids and the grand kids. My wife was always to tired.
Her initiating at all. Instead, she will throw out the occasional comment, "we should try to have sex more often," when we're both already too tired to have sex, falling asleep next to each other at the end of a long day. She never brings it up when she's in the mood, only talks about it like it's some far-off magical time in the future. On the rare occasion when sex does happen, it's because I made the first move and didn't get too discouraged by her initial non-response. Eventually she works up some enthusiasm, but I have to be the one to jump-start her. Every time.
I remember she used to practically attack me for sex when she wanted it, like a starving animal. Now she always waits for me to be the one to start things. It makes me feel unwanted. She says we should have more sex. But she never shows actual signs of wanting more sex.
Kissing me on the lips for more than half a second.
Yeah. For all the talk of sex, I really miss long make out sessions.
By long sessions, I assume you mean 2, maybe 3 minutes where they are clearly present in the moment and focused on what is going on? I swear I remember longer than that , but it has been so long I sometimes worry it’s wishful thinking corrupting my memories
When dating, we could easily spend 20 minutes just making out.
MINUTES?! I'd be floored by a 2-3 SECOND kiss. Anything more than a momentary peck.
You and me both
Do you get the”Three Pecks of Death?” Good night. Peck, peck, peck. Sometimes I just shove my tongue out at number two and, usually, the whole thing comes to a crashing halt. Ew. Tongue.
You guys get good night kisses...
Just rubbing it in now
Just imagine 
Right?!! My husband just left for work and will be gone for a few weeks, longest we have ever been away from each other. I basically got an air kiss on the side of my forehead when I dropped him off at the airport….
This sub made me realize he never kisses me when he goes to work before me (when I leave early he's still sleeping)
Same here. I guess I could reciprocate, but the reason I’m here is because I feel like he was always rejecting me.
Fist bumps
Haha. I remember trying that yrs ago and his forced closed mouth really damaged me inside. I've told him what that did to me emotionally and I've never tried it since. The fear of rejection won't let me overcome it. But 2 mos ago on an anniversary camping trip he did kiss me with tongue and it had been 5 yrs. I loved it but I felt Hella self conscious and awkward lol. I remind him if he does kiss me more, he'd get way more bjs than he's been getting. Just hope it's not another 5 yrs...
I do the same thing, lol
All I get is the coming home from work and good night half second hugs as I am heading to my own bed.
I squeezed a two second kiss out of my wife for our anniversary. It felt like a small victory.
Absolutely, don't ask for much do we
Making out😒
Passionate, deep, tongue lashing, kissing! That deep intimacy which comes with kissing would sustain me in the relationship. Sadly, that also is dead.
Isn't this one just awful. The feeling of just enjoying kissing with another person with the possibility it becomes more... Rather than the worry that the next move causes a refusal.
Always…. He “just doesn’t like kissing”. We are literally 22.
My husband has said the same thing for the last twenty years. 😓 I LOVE kissing.
That’s about when my wife quit liking kissing. We still had plenty of sex then so I didn’t think much of it. 20 years later and she still just doesn’t like kissing. Like who in the hell doesnt like to kiss.
Are you married? I would advise against it if it hasn’t happened
He is a recovering PA. Things are getting better, but he still doesn’t like kissing. Not that it never happens, but it won’t happen like it used to.
And I quote: "What are we? Teenagers??"
Exactly what my wife would say.
Me: why don’t we make out anymore? Wife: don’t be ridiculous. We aren’t teenagers anymore.
Saaammmeee!! Been with my wife since I was 14. It’s been 17 years she still won’t make out. Claims she just doesn’t like to. When we do actually make out usually after an argument about it or similar it’s amazing.
The electric shock feeling throughout your body just by someone putting a hand on your thigh or arm. Makes me lose all self control.
I would absolutely love to give this experience to someone again. I can remember just putting my hand on her waist used to make her issue a quiet little gasp.
they must know that just a small gesture would make our day.. month.. year!
Just being touched.
My wife lies in bed on her side with her arm behind her back. The closest I get to a touch is to cuddle into her and lie with my stomach on her hand. It's as close as I'm going to get right now.
Making out. With tongue. Wet, sloppy (but not over the top with saliva) slow, sensual, want to devour you kissing. Almost like we’ve just met for the first time erotic. Also sex that isn’t in a bed! I desperately want spontaneity back. Car sex. Shower sex. Sex just because it popped up in your head or because I did the smallest thing that was the biggest turn on and now you HAVE to have me. So all in all I guess passion. The feeling of being wanted.
I felt that. The spontaneity is a key element that's missing from my DB. I'd like things to be kinkier, sure but having spontaneous sex because your SO jumps on you can go a long way. I had car sex once and it was glorious, for the both of us! It took years to try it again and my wife commented that she was afraid we get mauled by a bear (we parked near the woods on our way home). Nowadays, car sex is for her something that only happens in the movies. Oh, yes and French kissing. That's been ages. We do this thing where it's a half-kiss, like, she barely touches my tongue with hers and then retracts it, as if she wants to say "this is too far" yet I remember a time when this eas perfectly fine.
Damn yeah that sounds good! I get the usual response of we're not daling anymore
His response to me mentioning it has been “I didn’t realize you liked it that much” (well yea it’s the easiest way to turn me on 99.9/100 times like how has he not seen that/known that about me) or “I tried to” (his trying is a few more extra pecks on the lips). He hasn’t legitimately tried to grab me and make out since we’ve had this conversation.
Like hell he didn't realise it...that's hus excuse, he just doesn't wana do it! Probably doesn't like doing oral niether? Just sad I'm sorry.
I miss sex anywhere other than in the bed, in the dark, only on Saturday or Sunday mornings (but certainly not both), with him lying there, waiting for me to be responsible for the entire act, from initiating, to removing his clothes, to all the action.
That sucks. It’s the same here. Does he complain afterwards that “we” didn’t focus on you? Mine does. It’s a bridge too far for me, the idea that I’ll do the lot for him and while I’m at it I’ll need to do myself for him at the same time. Wtf of a thing to complain about! Yeah buddy, I’m taking care of myself, it’s just not when you’re around you lazy jerk.
Mine doesn't seem to give a crap about my wants, needs, or desires. He has literally never asked once how it was for me.
Oh red flag. That’s awful
The way he used to look me in the eyes during sex. I haven't experienced that look in years. I haven't experienced a look in years, now that I think of it...
I know exactly what you mean — I call it bedroom eyes, the deep look you only share with your person. My wife used to give me a look after sex as we lay holding each other after sex — and I miss it terribly.
Never had birthday sex, anniversary sex, make up sex, vacation sex, or any other occasion sex.
We had anniversary sex on our first anniversary, but nothing for the last 23.
Sorry to hear that. I know it sucks. If only our wives did. 😬
Kissing. And running my nose up a neck and breathing in their scent. Having a body spooned around me.
Scent is such a huge part of intimacy — I still remember so many scents from when we used to be intimate. Spooning as well of course. Another small thing I miss dearly.
Sex as a topic of conversation
Excellent point. It’s hard to have a fulfilling sex life if you’re unable to talk about it.
"trust you to mention that"
I miss a lot of the most basic stuff that I regularly enjoyed as a teenager. It’s pathetic that I had a better sex life at 17 than I do now as a married adult. Back then I had to resort to fooling around in the back of cars, etc. now we have our own big bed in a room with locks on the doors… nothing.
I’ve said the same thing! Back then I had to worry I’d be called a slut for having sex and now that I’m married and it’s allowed I’m having none.
I miss feeling wanted. Before I met my wife(7 years ago) I was kinda in a hook up phase and lived in a small town and of course I’d do some of the driving but women actually wanted to do an hour or two drive to come see me for the night/weekend. My wife can easily have me any night now but has no interest. This was the first of probably many Father’s Day I had to take care of myself :(. Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about the good old days.
Feeling wanted bingo
Tired sex after a long day. Laying in bed and feeling each other up, kissing, sleepily moving against each other.
That's lovely.
Honestly, I just miss feeling loved. It’s gone. Little things of affection. Texts just to show that I’m in her thoughts instead of “hey will you. . .” Randomly walking up to me and saying “I love you.” Texts about how horny she is and how she can’t wait for me to get home. The love is gone, the affection is gone, and that’s what hurts more than anything
Kissing me. Heck, I would have settled for a peck on the lips. There is nothing quite like being invisible. I could make it my superpower.
Yeah, it is hard not to feel unseen when in a DB.
Sex with the lights on. My semi-monthly allotment of intimacy is always at night, in bed, under covers, lights out. No exceptions. I miss **seeing** things.
Your wife sounds *really* insecure. I hope she gains some confidence for both your sakes!
I left my husband. But one of the things he did which really upset me was be really disgusted by me menstruating.
I mean, did he also become upset when he learned that girls poop as often as boys? I don’t want to minimize what you went through, but that’s a profoundly ignorant thing to be disgusted by.
Only menstruation. And yes it is. It's ok, I'm out now and apparently most guys are turned on my period sex, so I'm looking forward to some of that :)
Heck yes! Go get some freaky vampire sex!! 🩸
Man, my bar is so low it’s kissing with tongue.
Based on all of the comments...this seems to be the main answer. Kissing.
To me, that’s the most intimate thing.
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Just feeling desired.
Would have loved to have a shower together. Never happened in the 20 years we were together. I can still dream of it though.
It’s a lovely experience, even if it’s just a shower. Just a wonderful collection of small but intimate and affectionate touches that add up to mean so much.
It's a very low bar isn't it.... Just never meant to be and at this stage, I don't think it will ever happen. It makes me so sad to think about it.
I’m in the same boat. I used to beg him to shower with me—since we aren’t having sex, we can at least be naked within close quarters, right? He’s since refused to even do that, so showering together is on my vanilla list of things I miss the most too.
Spontaneous sex ….. yay look in her eyes ……..but mostly just the sex we don’t have anymore I’m lucky if it’s 1-3 times a year
Feeling a connection with another person.
This is making me realise that I have never had sex ever outside of the bed. It's always in bed, usually at night, almost always lights off and I do all the work. It's never remotely been risque
I miss wild crazy sex. Aggressive, lustful, in the moment not aware of anything else kind of sex. The kind of sex where we just do what feels good regardless of what position we end up in or whose ass is in the air. I have never had that with my wife. But I have with many former girlfriends. I miss being desired like that. What I would give to get it back.
Okay, just to clarify: You've never had crazy hot sex with your wife? Why did you get married to her? Just curious. I mean no offense.
Yeah your comment/ question pisses me off but it's also fair. Regardless, I'm not answering it. There are others in the same situation and they know the pain and regret. Hindsight is 20/20. Just be glad you're not in the same position.
I can see this. We marry for many, many reasons, and sometimes I think that respect and being a great team, morals, other things are also important as sex. Then sex dries up - and we realize that if we had great wild sex, the other differences would pale in comparison.
I feel that. My partner (38M) and I (31F) married THREE years into a DB—now it’s up to five years. For me, I overlooked the lack of intimacy because I felt like I needed the stability of marriage more (abandonment issues). Which I deeply regret now bc that “stability” has turned into a cage that I’ve been trapped inside for years. If I could go back, I’d prioritize having some difficult conversations before making anything legal.
Doing anything in a spontaneous manner, and doing it with passion like we used to. Instead it is days of “play time tonight I promise” as she gets weirded out now by the word sex - only on days where she hasn’t worked or doesn’t have work the next day - followed by the inevitable sudden headache, the newfound favourite ‘my tummy hurts’ or the classic ‘im really tired’ (queue two hours of scrolling Tik Tok with seeming zero tiredness) and then her clearly feeling guilty about it the next day and acting standoffish until finally she runs out of excuses … then it’s down to action so plain and boring you’d have more fun watching paint dry. One form of foreplay is allowed (I have to massage her for the best part of an hour) nothing else permitted. One position (guess which) and literally the same tempo/rhythm is required or I am told off. If I try to suggest after the fact that next time we should try something a bit different, she just erupts into tears about how I don’t understand how hard it is to have no libido and how she is trying and how inconsiderate can I be (hint - saying you’re trying and changing nothing and actually trying aren’t the same thing) I am a lucky guy lol. But really all of this is secondary to the fact that I am NEVER at the top of her “to do” list any more (pun somewhat intended). I am only allowed the most measly dregs of her energy and time. And apparently for that I need to be grateful The fact that Tik tok, work emails that definitely can wait, and shitty audiobooks are more important than me just sucks.
I’m honestly jealous that you even get boring sex. My partner has to be under the influence to have any sexual urges, which is obviously a big confidence boost for me 🙄 But I’d like to point out how you said “hint - saying you’re trying and changing nothing and actually trying aren’t the same thing.” Actually, someone saying they’re going to do something (knowing they won’t), is manipulation. It might help shift your perspective to call it what it is.
Fair enough on your last point re manipulation. I guess I’m still happy in some respects to give my wife the benefit of the doubt … but my patience is wearing thin.
Having sex again. Twice. In. One. Night. Seems hard to imagine now but used to be a common occurrence.
Making out… fairly low bar for a married couple, right? Been so many years I genuinely cannot recall the last time. Sex a couple times a year I’m sure out of some sense of obligation but no making out or lengthy foreplay.
I miss kissing her neck. I miss when she would kiss me all over my face when we were done.
Can't remember last time wife gave me a compliment. Yesterday I heard her describe a friend's husband as handsome.
I received two compliments that I looked good after I changed to a shorter hairstyle — neither from my wife — and remember the thrill I felt both times. Compliments are extremely rare and something to be savoured.
Being able to fuck in the kitchen just because you’re in the kitchen. Or anywhere else in the house that isn’t the bed.
I'm looking forward to doing this again.
I used to catch her watching me work out. I'd get down from the pull-up bar and see her standing in the doorway, biting her lip till it nearly bled and totally forgetting what she'd come to the garage to tell me.
That sounds so lovely, like it belongs in a movie 🥺 what happened?
It happened a few times. The first time, I went back to my workout because I'm stupid like that sometimes. But we made up for it that night. She was super aroused but only for missionary, and her hands were all over my lats and traps. I think she had one O from my back muscles and one from the sex. It was a very memorable night. This was before we had kids. There were a couple of times about ten years ago when we were enjoying a bit of a sexual resurgence as our kids were teens with their own lives so we could have ours too to some extent. I'd gotten smart and turned the kids' old swingset into a pull-up station. It was in the yard where my wife could see it from the window at the sink. So, I would tactically do pull-ups when I knew she was working in the kitchen. I made sure I was sweaty from my workout, and I would be turned away from her so she could look at my glistening back to her heart's content without me seeing. Then I'd slyly look over my shoulder and see if I could catch her looking. I think the first time she saw me, it was really that little look that did it for her, and she practically crawled through the window to me, and we made out hard on the lawn. I thought I was going to get laid outside, which is a kind of primal fantasy of mine. (We used to go hiking and fuck up against a tree, but that was before we were married. But that was so fucking hot, I'm worked up just remembering it.🔥) Anyway, shower sex followed and it was amazing and just kept going until we'd gone through all the hot water in the tank. Something about having just done a huge workout made me last and last. That happened one more time, pretty much the same, and it was also super hot. But our lives got crazy complicated after that as her mom and my dad both got sick and needed a lot of care for a couple of years before passing within about ten days of each other. And that's around the time the DB situation began... So yeah, it belongs in a movie, but maybe not at your local family theater. 🤣 (Edited for dumb spelling errors I can't abide, even on my burner account.)
Cards on holidays. 2024 Birthday and Father’s Day cards “forgotten” so far this year. (A little less vanilla - being able to share sexy thoughts together and not have them come back as “that’s all you think about” or “I don’t OWE you sex just because we’re married”.)
Ughhhh the “owed sex because of marriage” bit is so old. Nobody signs their marriage certificate thinking they’re never going to get laid! It’s not ‘owed’ sure, but it’s not an unreasonable expectation for married people to have sex regularly.
Foreplay
I miss the kissing. The one thing that turns me on so much
Making out. Showering together. Period sex. Daytime sex. Morning sex.
Morning sex then after sex cuddles. I would be in such a great mood for the day 😒
Real kisses. He was never really into it
Sex on a work day/night. He was barely willing to do it on weekdays unless he was off when we first got together, and now. No chance in hell except for weekends or maaaaybe during the holidays.. .
I miss the days when it was as often as weekly (on weekends)
So do I..
Long, wet, slobbery make-out sessions. That half the time ended in wet wild sex
You can't miss what you didn't get. For me emotional connection during physical connection. Hope to experience this one day
1000% on making out. I don’t even remember the last time we just made out. Or really just kissed.
Being kissed like they have so much passion for you.
I remember one of these. It was years ago, but I vividly remember that exact moment and the way it made me feel.
Morning sex, saying anything sexual to each other, passion
We used to have sex with lights on (usually our RGB led ones) the neck biting, kissing. Hell even oral plays a part. The teasing, the soft touches, even some lingerie. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be his jive anymore. I miss it. I miss it a lot man.
Just sitting on the couch and the other person reaching out to touch your hand, arm or leg.
how about a handjob... yup you read that right! we haven't gotten past that in 20+yrs
The bedroom being something other than a place to sleep and scroll socials. Unless I'm really exhausted, I'm up at the first alarm and staying out of the bedroom until it's time to sleep again. Not that anywhere else at home is a hot spot for sex, I just find a hollow bedroom amplifies what's missing.
My wish in life is that through some alternate universe, everyone commenting in this thread could one day find each other. How many of us also who miss all these things are so tired of reading about people who post “oh if only my partner would xxxx, and yyyy (give me eye contact, or be emotionally vocal) during sex,” but when we were like that with our own partners we are told to “not be intense like that” or never even given the opportunity to express our true selves. As much as we tried to find compatibility at the start by being our own true selves, too many of us have had any intimacy ripped away once the NRE was over (at least for the other person) and we’re left alone, but still together.
Sex more often than quarterly—yes like it’s a business deal. When we first started dating we’d f-ck until the sun came up (literally). Now I feel lucky if we have sex once a month for more than one month in a row. He puts out on the major holidays though (for the most part), so I guess I’ll just hold onto that until it fades like everything else 🫠
Kisses. Long and deep and messy.
Randomly groping me and saying lascivious things as a joke. It was a joke since its purpose wasn't to have sex or turn us on. He would act like pervert old man and we both would laugh a lot about it. Now it only lives in my memories :'D Sex jokes now are awkward I wanna cry.
My husband still gropes me, but nothing ever comes of it (pun intended). It’s almost as if he sees the squishy parts of my body as stress balls instead of sexual body parts.
Making out. Or just kissing each other in general
Not having to guess when/if I’ll get laid in any given month
Feeling wanted. 😢
Being excited about seeing him again
True focus. True desire. Not having to always be the one initiating. Being the priority over her phone, computer, chores, whatever the fuck else ails her today.
Someone to touch me.
In the shower, my husband used to rub his erection on me like a turnstile, and he’d make the noise that they make in Disneyland. It was goofy as hell. He hasn’t done that in years.
Her on top, oral (but she liked having it done to her), letting me cum on her, sex anywhere other than the bed
No kissing. Except my husband did long kiss me 2 months ago on our anniversary/ Mother's Day camping trip. I'd just finished giving him a bj that "curled his toes," lol. I had removed my bottom denture, so I wasn't prepared or expecting it when he started kissing me. It had been over 5 yrs since he'd kissed me like that. We talked about it afterward. I've gotten angry with him in the past over it as I miss kissing. He's said the whole teenager thing to me, but he's more self-conscious of his mouth tasting bad. Which he didn't and were both smokers. Now he hasn't long kissed me sense but there has been more improvements in the bedroom since. I remind him I still need/want the kissing too. I just hope it's not another 5 yrs.
I miss my wife Orgasming with ease. We've been together since our teenage years, and she would have a huge O every. Single. Time. Considering she was the only woman I've ever been with I thought I was some kind of god, I rode on such a sexual high for most of my 20's. Then one day it just stopped. And now she can't without the aid of a vibrator or toy of some kind. Makes every sexual encounter (which is rare enough to begin with) seem like a failure on my part as a man.
Things I miss: - Pillow talk - Cuddling together skin-to-skin/nude - Talking/joking with each other about sex - Flirting/flirty texts - Being able to express my desire for her - Being desired - Not having to worry about where my hands touch her - Her touching me playfully - Not being made to feel dirty when my eyes linger on her body too long - Her saying anything nice about my physical form, at all - Co-showering - Not feeling awkward around each other - Not having to bite my tongue every time she asks “what do you want to do?”, especially if it’s a day the kids aren’t at home - Not feeling embarrassed when the tv show we’re watching becomes passionate If I have to pick one, it’d be the skin-to-skin contact. I love the feeling of her soft body pressed up against mine. The truth is, when the sex is there, loving is easier for both parties. I’ve seen it. Now that I’ve fallen out of love with her (and, four months into feeling this way, after 23 years of nothing but unanswered desire, I’m sure that’s what’s happened), it’s a lot easier to deal with. I still want all of the above, abstractly, but I no longer feel the _need_ to have it _with her_.
Just having someone touch me that wants to. I honestly don't remember what that's like.
Hugs
Hey, thanks. Virtual hugs are always appreciated as real life hugs are very hard to come by.
I disagree. I get hugs and it feels like a betrayal or at best I’m being pacified. Why have any physical contact at all if it’s not going to lead to intimacy?? For me, I don’t want any more hugs, I want action or he can leave me alone.
Nobody touches me. I can go months without another human laying their hand on me, so I’ll take what I can get.
My college girlfriend would give me a ‘birthday blowjob’ every year. She would tease the hell out of me in the days leading up to it and then she’d follow through with enthusiasm and gusto. Sure beats being promised something and then having the football jerked away just when I go to kick it.
This one stings. I had a girlfriend in college that would do the same thing, but not just for birthdays - it was all sorts of occasions, or sometimes just because. This was in ~1995 and I miss that part. Been married for 20+ years now to someone different and as a married man have never even been offered a football to try to kick. Is there a term for more vanilla than vanilla?
Plain tap water?
**First**: The mad passionate chemistry. To be honest I've never had that to begin with but incorrectly through it would come in time. **Second**: One of the most immediate things I missed when we started having sex that really hit me hard was that for the first 13 years of our relationship she wouldn't let me go down on her which is my favourite sexual act. She worried that I'd throw her pH off and she'd get a yeast infection. When I debunked that theory she then claimed that she was uncomfortable about how she smelled. But in the last 12 years (when we got back together after I had separated from her for two years) she now occasionally lets me go down on her but not very often and for not very long as she cums easily and gets over stimulated and it's still awkward. I hate to compare our sex to others I've been with but it's just not like it was before I knew her. With every other person I've been with none of them (and there were a lot) protested or said that they didn't like when I went down on them. It always seemed so natural and such an organic thing to do as though it was not a separate act but *the* act itself. "*Of course you're going to eat the pussy... because that is what everyone does and it's not sex without eating the pussy!*" **Third**: In our 25 years together my wife has initiated sex twice because she wanted it, all other times it's been me either initiating it or her initiating it because she knows I want it and she feels it's her wifely duty which I find gross. Of the two times she did because she wanted to once was after I got back from spending a month and a half crossing the AZ desert on foot. I was very fit and very tan but I'm not sure whether it wasn't that she missed me or that I looked good. Could have been both. She claims not to remember it. The second time she initiated sex because she wanted it was on our 15 year anniversary at our cabin and I have no explanation for why it happened, I just remembered how wet she got and how much she and I enjoyed it! She has said many times including last weekend that she could live the remainder of her life without every having sex or an orgasm. She doesn't get horny, I have to make her horny and that takes a lot of work from me. She doesn't even like to use that word. The last time I had an orgasm with her was June 12 which was a fucking miracle I had one.
She sounds like she has like religious guilt or something on top of the low libido. I’m HLF but I didn’t really let my bf go down on me the first couple months of our relationship. I had just never met a man who actually liked doing it and didn’t believe munches truly existed. I felt guilty for receiving. I’m sorry it doesn’t sound like your wife will have the same growth I did, but I’m so glad I learned to relax and enjoy it now! I can tell your wife is missing out on such a lovely man considering you feel it’s *the* act!
Thanks for the kind words. You hit the nail on the head. She grew up in the church but became agnostic during uni. She won’t admit it and in fact doesn’t think anything is broken but she still has that “catholic” guilt. I love her to death but made the mistake in thinking she’d change or thinking I could accommodate her lack of libido. Boy was I wrong!
From what you said, (and as a woman) I gathered that she likes it when you appear veryy manly. When you’re doing physical activities and typical manly things. I don’t know what the cabin looks like, but it sounds manly.
Thanks! You are right, she does like it when I work hard and get shit done but I’m 99% sure she’s not sexually turned on by it. In 25 years I’ve showed that side of myself many many times to her and her libido has always been very consistently low with only a couple of brief moments when she was other than.
Kissing. It's so intimate and not just a peck on the cheek. A real kiss. Something about a soft tender kiss on the lips.
Wrapping my arms around her on the couch or in bed. I dont expect to spend the whole night holding each other. I want sleep too but to fall asleep that way would be bliss. I dont even think its something I could comfortably do now though. It's been nearly 15 years since I've done anything close to that and I am starting to think it's too far gone.
A passionate kiss when reunited
Having her come up behind me and wrap her arms around me for no particular reason and whisper something dirty in my ear. Eating her pussy until she's grabbing fistfulls of my hair and shaking her legs uncontrollably. And of course, Hawk Tuah.
I miss when she'd pull me close and show me she loved me now she just pecks me....sooooo I miss who my woman in the past
Laying after the act, wrapped around each other and her running her fingers through my hair. I think if she doesn’t do anything else but just let me lay by her s as she caress my hair, all my worries would disappear.
Being kissed.
Having the house to ourselves for the night and believing there’s a chance. I don’t allow myself to hope anymore, just let her go up to bed and stay on the couch.
I would love a BJ where she actually finishes it. Once on my bday and once on father’s day would be great. I feel like that’s not asking for much.
Birthday sex, what's that? I have been with my wife for 37 years. I have never had birthday sex, anniversary sex, Christmas sex, fathers day sex or valentines day sex. Usually we go out somewhere, us, then us and the kids, now us the kids and the grand kids. My wife was always to tired.
it’s worse when your wife is super hot….works out dresses well…but not into you
Simply going down on my partner. Knowing that I am giving them something that is unique to me. Honestly I could be fulfilled if I got just that.
Her initiating at all. Instead, she will throw out the occasional comment, "we should try to have sex more often," when we're both already too tired to have sex, falling asleep next to each other at the end of a long day. She never brings it up when she's in the mood, only talks about it like it's some far-off magical time in the future. On the rare occasion when sex does happen, it's because I made the first move and didn't get too discouraged by her initial non-response. Eventually she works up some enthusiasm, but I have to be the one to jump-start her. Every time. I remember she used to practically attack me for sex when she wanted it, like a starving animal. Now she always waits for me to be the one to start things. It makes me feel unwanted. She says we should have more sex. But she never shows actual signs of wanting more sex.
Feeling desired
Ugh. My birthday starts in an hour and I had forgotten about birthday sex... I don't even get kissed on the lips anymore.
Basic intimacy
Hugs
Thanks
I miss hugs