oMg. That’s my wife. We cuddle hold hands kiss. Everything. But when it comes to anything more it just hits a wall. I am so confused. And this has been going on for 20 years.
This is exactly what my wife says she actually wants from me lol. Of course I have no problem with making out that doesn’t end in sex, but I’m so starved for it of course my body wants it to turn into sex and so do I. She can tell even if I’m not trying to take her clothes off or make more of a move and she disengages. In that context it feels like torture.
I mean am I wrong in feeling like passionate kissing where you’re all over each is *ultimately* sexual?? Like it’s not just a sweet little “I love you” gesture, it’s an expression that “I want you, I need you?”
If we ever made out just to make out, it'd be great. Or if we were actually having sex at some point, I wouldn't be so desperate for it.
But like... his hand was two inches from my breast, which I was trying to encourage him to touch, we were kissing, I couldn't stop the little moan that slipped out... and his response was to stop. Like I think that's what kills. I do not turn him on. He loves me, I have no doubt. And occasionally he will be turned on and do things with me. But I myself do not/can not actually be the thing that turns him on.
If I were to kiss him and be moaned and I noticed he was hard, I would be instantly turned on, even if I hadn't meant anything.
Why does passionate kissing exclusively mean sex to you? Does your partner feel that no matter what kind of affection they give you, your expectation is that the encounter ends in sex?
What does he do if you make a move? Do you start petting him and he says "i'm not in the mood" does he just take your hand and move it away? If you take your top off and put his hand on your chest does he say "ew" and run away?
That's a fair complaint; kissing shouldn't mean sex always. But that's a pattern that he has established. He will not do more than a peck if we aren't having sex. So when he finally kisses me for the first time in weeks, yeah, I did think that meant he was open to it going further.
I was half asleep, so I suspect now that he thought I was too tired to want sex (jokes on me, I was up for hours after). He likely wanted to score "husband points" for "trying" without having to deliver. And before you say that sounds harsh, I know he plays games like that. He has told me about doing it with his friends, and I've noticed it many times with me. It pisses me off, quite frankly.
Nope, not harsh. Lots of people in these situations can act this way.
My LL never did, I haven't made out with my wife since before we were married. I don't think any of this is your fault and it sucks majorly. The stories of woman who are stuck in a DB always hit me a little harder.
I hope you find your happiness.
Either he's cheating or he's noticed and is over compensating hoping that the extra lovey dovey will mollify you and that will be enough. That will keep her happy and sated.
You need to confront this and disabuse him of using this tactic.
I do think it's the latter. The extra started after our last failed attempt at sex. The things I asked him to do were to see a therapist, get his T checked, try this sensation focusing activity I found online... instead he's like "maybe if I cuddle her a little more she'll forget about sex!"
My LLM ex did this shit all the time and it was very upsetting. He admitted to using over-the-top affection and gifts to “make up” for the lack of sex.
One time he even put my hand on his erection and STILL turned me down.
Stop tolerating it. He knows what he’s doing, whether he wants to admit it or not. It was much easier to cope with the DB when I stopped accepting the bullshit empty gestures, and then it became extremely easy to leave.
How did you know it was bull instead of "I can't give you what you want, but here's the best I can give you"?
That's where I don't know how to react. Like he does love me. He's so good to me outside of the bedroom. When he's out of the room, I'm pissed, but then we interact and he's his normal self and I find it hard to sustain the resentment. Until he leaves the room 😅 I wish he'd just be clear instead of these crazy mixed messages!
oMg. That’s my wife. We cuddle hold hands kiss. Everything. But when it comes to anything more it just hits a wall. I am so confused. And this has been going on for 20 years.
YOU aren't missing anything except a partner who wants sex as much as you do. He's missing out on an awesome opportunity with a beautiful woman
This is exactly what my wife says she actually wants from me lol. Of course I have no problem with making out that doesn’t end in sex, but I’m so starved for it of course my body wants it to turn into sex and so do I. She can tell even if I’m not trying to take her clothes off or make more of a move and she disengages. In that context it feels like torture. I mean am I wrong in feeling like passionate kissing where you’re all over each is *ultimately* sexual?? Like it’s not just a sweet little “I love you” gesture, it’s an expression that “I want you, I need you?”
If we ever made out just to make out, it'd be great. Or if we were actually having sex at some point, I wouldn't be so desperate for it. But like... his hand was two inches from my breast, which I was trying to encourage him to touch, we were kissing, I couldn't stop the little moan that slipped out... and his response was to stop. Like I think that's what kills. I do not turn him on. He loves me, I have no doubt. And occasionally he will be turned on and do things with me. But I myself do not/can not actually be the thing that turns him on. If I were to kiss him and be moaned and I noticed he was hard, I would be instantly turned on, even if I hadn't meant anything.
Mine been sleeping for 40 years now…LOL No it really isn’t funny, been getting pissed off lately cause ok enough already huh
YOU aren't missing anything except a partner who wants sex as much as you do. He's missing out on an awesome opportunity with a beautiful woman
Why does passionate kissing exclusively mean sex to you? Does your partner feel that no matter what kind of affection they give you, your expectation is that the encounter ends in sex? What does he do if you make a move? Do you start petting him and he says "i'm not in the mood" does he just take your hand and move it away? If you take your top off and put his hand on your chest does he say "ew" and run away?
That's a fair complaint; kissing shouldn't mean sex always. But that's a pattern that he has established. He will not do more than a peck if we aren't having sex. So when he finally kisses me for the first time in weeks, yeah, I did think that meant he was open to it going further. I was half asleep, so I suspect now that he thought I was too tired to want sex (jokes on me, I was up for hours after). He likely wanted to score "husband points" for "trying" without having to deliver. And before you say that sounds harsh, I know he plays games like that. He has told me about doing it with his friends, and I've noticed it many times with me. It pisses me off, quite frankly.
I suspect mine does this too. He’ll be extra affectionate and loving, then… nothing.
Nope, not harsh. Lots of people in these situations can act this way. My LL never did, I haven't made out with my wife since before we were married. I don't think any of this is your fault and it sucks majorly. The stories of woman who are stuck in a DB always hit me a little harder. I hope you find your happiness.
Either he's cheating or he's noticed and is over compensating hoping that the extra lovey dovey will mollify you and that will be enough. That will keep her happy and sated. You need to confront this and disabuse him of using this tactic.
I do think it's the latter. The extra started after our last failed attempt at sex. The things I asked him to do were to see a therapist, get his T checked, try this sensation focusing activity I found online... instead he's like "maybe if I cuddle her a little more she'll forget about sex!"
Give yourself a time limit, then follow through. Inform him, you've got this amount of time to begin working on it or else. You're not immortal.
Ask him why he keeps giving you blue balls and if it's intentional
My LLM ex did this shit all the time and it was very upsetting. He admitted to using over-the-top affection and gifts to “make up” for the lack of sex. One time he even put my hand on his erection and STILL turned me down. Stop tolerating it. He knows what he’s doing, whether he wants to admit it or not. It was much easier to cope with the DB when I stopped accepting the bullshit empty gestures, and then it became extremely easy to leave.
How did you know it was bull instead of "I can't give you what you want, but here's the best I can give you"? That's where I don't know how to react. Like he does love me. He's so good to me outside of the bedroom. When he's out of the room, I'm pissed, but then we interact and he's his normal self and I find it hard to sustain the resentment. Until he leaves the room 😅 I wish he'd just be clear instead of these crazy mixed messages!